People Hope They’re Innocent In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Expecting My Wife To Fulfill Her Agreed Upon Responsibilities After Having A Baby?
“A little about me: I am 30, and my wife is 29. Before we got married (we had known each other for three years), we decided I would be the sole earner, responsible for finances and taxes, while she would be a housewife, taking care of the kids and household duties.
We agreed she would never work, and I wouldn’t ask her to either.
In the first two years of our marriage, we didn’t have kids. I worked from 8 am-6 pm. Sometimes she’d wake up and make me breakfast, sometimes she wouldn’t. I didn’t mind because we were early in our marriage.
On days she made breakfast, she would also pack me lunch. On days she didn’t wake up early, I would eat both breakfast and lunch at work. She would wake up around 12-2 pm, do household chores, and wait for me to come home.
We would have dinner together and spend time going out for movies, dinners, or visiting friends, at least twice a week.
This year, we had a baby. I took one month of leave to help her, which is the maximum my job allows. State leave was an option, but the subsidized pay wouldn’t cover our bills.
After my leave, her parents stayed with us for two months, helping with the baby. I supported all the household bills during this time. After they left, our baby was three months old, and this is when issues began. My wife was used to her previous routine of waking up late and now found it difficult to manage caring for the baby and household chores.
I offered to help by cleaning the first floor of our house and putting our baby to bed several times a week, despite working from 8 am to 6 pm, handling all immigration paperwork, taxes, bills, and grocery shopping (since she doesn’t drive). However, every day I come home, she seems angry or upset, often taking it out on me.
Sometimes it’s about the baby, sometimes it’s about me not helping enough around the house.
Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities. I acknowledged that she had an easier life in the first two years of our marriage because she didn’t work, but reminded her that we had planned for this baby and understood it would require more work.
We had agreed she would be the primary caretaker and housewife, but now, she would not stop complaining and we can’t stop having fights.
Am I the jerk for asking her to fulfill her share of the household responsibilities?”
Another User Comments:
“”Today, we had an argument where I asked why she was consistently struggling with her responsibilities.” I’m having trouble imagining a fight starting if this was a good-natured question.
You weren’t reaching out to your partner about what is going on with her and her postpartum life, you were being judgemental. Your child – born this year – cannot be more than 5 months old. Have you literally never met a baby? They’re hard people to live with – especially when you have no help.
Let me stick you in a house for a couple of years without a job then shove a screaming, sleepless, needy watermelon through your insides and see if maybe you don’t get overwhelmed by your new reality. Worry less about whether the laundry is put away and more about whether you’re sapping the sanity of your life partner.
YTJ.” Kitastrophe8503
Another User Comments:
“You know it makes me so happy every time I read these posts and I am single and don’t have to put up with nonsense like this. These posts are one of the reasons I chose to be single because I could not handle this.
Your wife has a newborn. 3 months are still newborns genius! She is probably tired as heck trying to take care of a baby. It’s not as if you have a child going off to school yet where she isn’t responsible for taking care of an INFANT.
YTJ my guy give her some time still. If she’s at least trying then cut her some slack. Also, did it ever occur to you that she could also be suffering from postpartum depression? Some women experience that after having a baby.” sunlightofourpast
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not a popular opinion, but they talked about this and agreed. She had 2 years of not doing much and getting up like a teenager mid-afternoon. He worked hard to pay for their life and still is, has offered to help her and now it’s not an easy free ride she is complaining and taking it out on him.
I know having kids is hard as I have done it myself as a stay-at-home mom and as a single working mom. But his job is valid, too, and he has not had a 2 year free ride.” happycoffeebean13
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Wedding Date To Accommodate My Mother's Honeymoon?
“So my partner (29f) and I (32f) have been engaged for over 2 years. We’ve told people we’re planning the wedding for next May. I have just started formally planning a few weeks ago.
Venues and caterers are chosen, a date has been set, but “save the date” cards haven’t been sent, and down payments haven’t been paid yet.
Context for our choice of month:
Having an outdoor May wedding is pretty much the only thing we’ve been sure of since the engagement.
We want an outdoor wedding so the months from October-March are off the table. Venues in my area are more expensive in the summer months (June, July, and August) and while we are stable, we are not well-off. September and April are big months for birthdays (including both of ours).
Additionally, I am a professor so April is a hectic month for me as that is exam time in our country so I’m typically grading until the wee hours of the night. So… that left us with May.
The issue:
I am spending so much time explaining our choice of month because it turns out my mother (60s) and her new husband (60s) will be honeymooning all of next May.
My mother and I have a fine relationship but are not particularly close. I have 100% told her we were planning for May, but she obviously doesn’t remember. My mother has put a payment down on her honeymoon. I only found out about her honeymoon this weekend when I called to tell her that the date was set (her wedding was this year).
She keeps texting me alternative dates that we could do the wedding. But, and here’s where I might be the jerk, I don’t want to. I like the date we’ve chosen. We put a lot of thought into this. She is right, we could change it without any cost to us, but other months don’t work well for various reasons.
I did offer to comprise by moving it to early May and have her push her honeymoon back a few days, but this was rejected. This date will be our anniversary for the rest of our life. It will be the day when we schedule extra special weekends away and fancy dinners.
The date of a honeymoon isn’t as special, she could change it if she wanted.
It is also worth noting here that the two of them are very well-off. For context, they own 3 homes and go on international vacations at least twice a year. Moving the honeymoon after placing a downpayment will be inconvenient, but it will not hurt them financially and they have almost a year’s notice to reschedule it.
Additionally, my fiance and I are paying for the wedding entirely ourselves.
That being said… they do have a downpayment and we don’t. They have had this date set longer than us. And it is a honeymoon, not just a regular vacation. Also, it’s not like a cousin can’t go, it’s my MOTHER.
Should I change the date for her? I do want her there. I am honestly not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but other months truly don’t work nearly as well… Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You offered a compromise.
Moving a week or two would be one thing, but she is nixing an entire month! That she knew about! I don’t see where people are getting the idea that OP knew about Mom’s plans before setting the date. I read that OP was vocal about a May wedding right from the start of the engagement, which was well before Mom’s wedding or honeymoon, and when confirming for this year, Mom dropped the “oh I have all of May booked, move it.” Personally, this comes across as a power play.
Mom is taking a honeymoon a year after her own wedding and has picked the one month her daughter has said she wants to get married in. Mom knew what she was doing. I stand by my NTJ vote.” candycoatedcoward
Another User Comments:
“Not just a regular vacation?
I call nonsense. A honeymoon is right after your wedding. Sometimes a honeymoon is delayed because you can’t afford it or don’t have the vacation time, but that doesn’t sound like either applies to your mother. She wants a month-long vacation in May. She’s calling it a honeymoon to justify her unwillingness to change her plans for your sake.
Don’t change your date. If she cares enough to come, great! If not, your wedding will be wonderful without her. NTJ, but if you try to guilt her instead of saying, “Sorry you can’t make it, but I hope you have a great trip!” you will be a jerk.
You are getting married. Stop worrying about your mother’s presence or opinion. Live your own life.” Far-Slice-3821
19. AITJ For Snapping At My Family After My Brother Ruined My Award Ceremony?
“Throughout my life, I’ve resented the fact that my brother, who has several mental conditions, gets praised for nearly everything he does while I can’t seem to get our parents to notice any of my hard work or accomplishments.
However, I think recently I reached my limit.
I had entered a creative writing short story contest at my college and I was chosen to be in the final ten. I was going to read my story in front of a group of judges and an audience that included my brother and mother; my dad had to work.
I was given the 8th slot to read my story, but around the 6th story my brother started making a lot of noise and my mother had to leave to calm him down, causing her to miss both my reading of my story, and me receiving an award for my work.
I thought certainly my parents would have to be proud of a trophy, but when I texted my mom to bring the car around, she was too focused on my brother to say anything to me.
But what really stung was when she said, “I’m proud of you for calming down so quickly.” I heard this while I was outside the car pumping gas.
I told her, perhaps not in the most calm tone, that it’s stupid to praise the one who ruined everything and not the one who won a trophy. And she said what she always does, “He has special needs, you should be more supportive.” I told her he ruined my big day and how I wanted her to see me as a winner, and apparently, my shouting caused my brother to have one of his seizures.
His flailing arm knocked my trophy out of the car cracking it against the cement of the gas station (it was made of glass).
Finally, I lost it and said nasty things to both of them before walking to a friend’s house to spend the night on his couch.
All I wanted was a verbal acknowledgment of my hard work and accomplishment, but today was a total bust. I’m typing this before I turn in for the night and I’m not looking forward to going home and seeing whatever punishment I’m going to face for my outburst.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you reached your limits. And you had a good reason for it. Your brother is a disabled person and it’s understandable that your parents focus on him most of the time. However, you are their child too and you need their support as well.
It was your day and you deserved all their attention. It was just one day. I guess that is pretty much the dynamic that has been developing throughout the years and cannot be changed.” graphene-05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – first and foremost, congratulations on your award and I’m sorry that it got cracked. You deserve to be acknowledged as a person and your parents aren’t giving you the attention you deserve – don’t hate your brother for that.
Sure it was a jerk move for yelling and calling them names, but it was a breaking point for you. He can’t control that he’s disabled but your parents are massive jerks and your anger should be directed at them and not your brother. She couldn’t have left your brother for one night with your dad (or vice versa) or get a caretaker?
Talk with your parents and try to keep calm about it – tell them you just wanted one night when you felt special to your parents. You mentioned college so I’m assuming you’re 18 – you can choose to leave home and stay with a relative or friend if they start berating you for not being supportive of your brother.” Moonlit_Eevee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mom knew there was a huge chance brother would be triggered, but brought him along anyway, and so missing the whole point of the trip – support OP. And then praising brother for no longer being an issue rather than the child who actually deserved the praise and was the purpose of the trip.
Personally, I’d tell my mom that if she is going to bring brother along too, then do everyone a favor and stay at home. If the event is for someone else, then focus on them, not the brother. She doesn’t want to deal with brother’s issues, brother doesn’t want to cause them, and everyone else doesn’t want to be affected by them.
And if she’s going to spend all her time dealing with brother then she’s not there to provide support, so better to not be there at all. Mom is going to wonder why OP is NC as soon as they escape to the furthest college.” stiggley
18. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Bring My Niece And Nephew To Our Family's Friday Night Brewery Tradition?
“Every Friday night my husband and I (both 34) and our kids (4&6) go to an outdoor brewery as our family tradition. We’ve been doing this for about a year and a half now and are considered “regulars”, we also bring our new puppy with us now.
My kids have a solid group of friends that they run around and play with, and it’s awesome for my husband and me because it’s the closest thing we can ever get to a date night. His parents (both in their 60s) live over 3 hours away and mine (both in their 50s) are an hour away but hate to leave their house, and also don’t like dogs, so they don’t babysit for us either.
It’s been almost 5 years since we’ve had a night out together.
Also on Friday nights, my parents have my niece and nephew over to their house for a sleepover, they are 5 & 7. My sister and her kids only live about 10 minutes from my parents so they spend a lot of time together.
But my parents rarely call, visit, or even inquire about our kids. My oldest has started to ask a lot of questions about the difference in relationships. Anyway, recently my dad has been bringing my niece and nephew up to the brewery on Friday nights because it’s “easier” for him than having to entertain them at his house.
At first, I was upset by this because never once has he met us there to spend time with us or our kids, and I felt like he was just passing the babysitting off to my husband and me on our “date night”, but I said sure why not since it’s a public place and not right to tell someone else not to go there.
Having them there ended up putting a huge damper on our night. My dad is not super social, and was kind of standoffish to our normal group of regulars we tend to socialize with. He also doesn’t like dogs and kept making comments about the dogs being there.
In addition to that, having my niece and nephew there caused a lot of drama in the kids’ friend circle. My niece is very bossy and instead of the kids being in one nice group like they usually are everyone was split up and divided, my kids both had moments of crying due to what my niece was doing, and I spent most of my time having to referee the group like I was worried about.
Last week they didn’t come and it was soooo much better. But my dad just texted me they will be coming again this week and now I’m dreading it. WIBTJ if I told my dad this is interfering with my family’s tradition and our attempt at a date night, and we’d rather they didn’t come?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but my suggestion is to tell your friend group that you and your husband are going to take a break from going to the brewery so as to break your father of this ‘habit’ before it actually becomes a habit. Then you tell your dad that your family is going to be exploring other options for your date nights and won’t be going to the brewery for a while.
It sucks that you need to take this step but look at it long-term. If your dad complains, you should take the opportunity to be honest. “Dad, and I went to the brewery because the kids got the opportunity to play without us having to directly supervise and we got a date night.
You showing up ruined the night for us as I am constantly having to supervise the kids due to causing so many problems. We never agreed to include you in our plans and it isn’t fair of you to impose on our date nights. If you and mom don’t want to actively supervise, then you need to stop agreeing to babysit them.”” divemachine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you should call him out on the fact that he has never bothered before, and doesn’t even make the effort to see your kids, and that it is glaringly obvious that he is doing this so he doesn’t have to take care of the kids himself.
Tell him all the others in the group feel the same way, they don’t want him there if he isn’t going to mind the kids he brought. It is not just a you thing, not wanting him and those kids there. If he gets upset, so what, what will you be losing?
You are not responsible for managing his feelings. Maybe move to a different pub for a while or change to a different night. If he keeps it up, won’t he be surprised to show up and no one else is there?!” ConfusedAt63
17. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Respect My Boundaries And Not Visit Unannounced?
“I’m an Asian female, 42, living alone after a divorce, and dealing with ADHD, depression, and anxiety (well-managed with medication and counseling).
I work part-time as a health professional and study veterinary science full-time, which is hectic and stressful. My parents separated years ago, and my father still treats me like a child, which is really frustrating.
He visits almost daily, using his house key, despite me asking for space over 50 times.
After long days at work or uni, I need to recharge alone as an introvert, but he doesn’t understand. He insists on cooking for me, but his dishes are often unappetizing (like mixing baked beans with black bean beef or Chinese BBQ pork with spaghetti Bolognese).
I feel guilty for not appreciating his efforts, but I really need my own space.
My dad is in his 70s, retired, and lonely, with no friends or social activities. I’ve tried encouraging him to meet people or learn new skills, but he remains reclusive.
Exams are approaching, and I need to focus, but his visits and expectations add to my stress. He’s moody and easily offended, making me anxious about spending time with him.
I’m capable and don’t need his help, but he doesn’t see that.
His way of showing love is by bringing food and doing chores like taking out my bins, which makes me feel inadequate. On good days, I tolerate it; on bad days, it’s overwhelming. He doesn’t listen or respect my boundaries, despite me communicating clearly.
I feel guilty for not wanting his frequent visits and cooking, but his presence and comments about my weight (I have a BMI of 30) add to my stress. Am I wrong for wanting my space and not wanting my dad to show up unannounced?”
Another User Comments:
“I mean you’re NTJ, but I have a feeling this isn’t about him thinking that you need him, but about him needing you and being too proud to admit it. Of course I understand not wanting him around all the time though. I’d phase this out – find senior activity groups and bring him to them.
Go with him as your time together for a while until he makes friends and will go on his own (maybe there will be a period of dropping him off). He probably just needs company but is too afraid to venture out to find it on his own.” Ecstatic_Turnover_55
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But as a person with an Asian family, I know changing the locks and freezing him out is not the answer for you. You need to distract him with other activities and interests and direct him there. He won’t go on his own, so you’ll have to take him until he has bonded with seniors at a center or even babysitting, volunteering at a shelter or animal rescue, community gardening, etc. He has a lot of love to give and needs an outlet.
My Asian friend of 35 still has parents who come in to clean while he’s at work, and worry about where his books are placed in his bedroom, and do his laundry for him. It is these acts of service that they do that show their love.
He can’t say no, but he doesn’t want them doing it, either. Talking to him about boundaries may help, but not solve the problem. What he needs is to feel needed and seen by others, and that you can help him find. Then explain the days and nights you can see him, and reinforce that you are happy to see him then.” Euphoric_Travel2541
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to set boundaries. You need to sit him down. “Dad, I love you. And this is hard, but I need to live my life. That means I need my space. You need to give me that space. That means we need to set new ground rules.
That means we need to cut down on visits to once a week. And no more just walking into the house. You ring my bell. I will ring your bell. And my weight is fine, so it hurts my feelings when you criticize it. Yes, you are my father and I owe you respect.
But respect goes both ways. Can we agree you will cut down your visits to once a week, AFTER you call and see if I’m available?” And if he can’t, take your key back or change the locks. Do not let him BS you with ‘culture’, ‘tradition’, or any crap that says your feelings mean nothing in your own home.
Encourage him to go to the local senior center and start taking classes and socializing with people his own age.” FuzzyMom2005
16. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For A Gift That My Ex Bought Me?
“My ex-partner and I broke up about 2 months ago and were in a relationship for a total of 2 and a half years.
Our relationship was rocky, and to be honest pretty unhealthy. I broke things off with him for good, and he decided to move out and let me have the apartment (We are both on the lease, which is important for later.). He still has things at the apartment and his key.
Let’s just say he isn’t being the healthiest about our break up, and I don’t go a week without him blowing up my phone over something. He’ll text me and tell me how miserable he is one time and then text me about how happy he is about everything.
He’s trying to get me to reach out to him, but it hasn’t been working until now.
He texted me today his information for an account he set up with Byte for me and asked me to take over the payments on it. If you don’t know, Byte is a company that sells aligners for teeth straightening.
Let me just put it out there that I never asked for this product, and was very comfortable with my body and appearance, but he wasn’t. One of the reasons we broke up was because he was always criticizing my weight, teeth, and just body in general. No matter how much I told him it hurt me, he would tell me I was making a big deal over nothing and that he was just trying to encourage me to “better myself”.
He bought me the Byte aligners for Christmas, even though I told him that he didn’t have to buy me such an expensive gift. I’ve been struggling with money since I’ve been trying to pay off my debts, so I wasn’t able to get him anything super expensive like that.
He insisted, and got them for me anyway.
Now since we are broken up, he is asking that I pay for the rest of it and he is trying to make me put in my card information on the account. Now that I am paying the whole rent by myself, I am not able to afford that payment.
I feel that since it was a gift to me, I shouldn’t have to pay for it. Plus I haven’t even gotten my second set of aligners. I’ve tried contacting them about it, but haven’t heard anything and it’s been about 3 months.
He can be petty in many ways as well as controlling.
I’m worried that if I refuse to pay for this, he will try and do something to me, the apartment, my cats, or my stuff. Like I said, he still has keys and everything. I feel like I might be the jerk for making him pay for something so expensive even though we are broken up.
At the same time, I really feel like it’s not my responsibility, but he will not leave me alone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you can’t expect to keep getting them either like if he stops paying and they don’t send the next ones you can’t be mad.
Meanwhile glad you left him. Now it’s time to leave, if you can afford it move, explain to the leasing company you’re in physical danger they will often allow lease breaks in those cases (not always). If you have to stay maybe get someone to watch your pets that way when you’re home you can deadbolt the door and when you’re not, at least what is home is just stuff (I know we love our stuff but it is less important than human and pet safety…maybe get renters Insurance JIC).
As soon as you can move, do move, and don’t under any circumstances give him your address. This might seem extreme if he has never been physically abusive but you seem scared and that’s enough.” Icy_Yam_3610
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please be careful and be safe.
Like everyone else said, change the locks, password, EVERYTHING & talk to your landlord ASAP. If you have proof that it was a gift, you shouldn’t have to pay for it but I wouldn’t push it since you know how he can be.
Keep contacting Byte & let them know what’s going on. Hopefully, you can get a hold of them. Maybe take over the account from him and just change the password & remove his information. Hopefully, that will at least get him out of that situation.
And let him know he needs to clear his things by the end of the week but also have the landlord or someone there with you when he’s there for safety reasons. Please don’t be alone with him while he’s there. Hope everything turns out for the best.” SadaPvrc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. WHY would you pay for something you never wanted or asked for? “He can be petty in many ways as well as controlling. I’m worried that if I refuse to pay for this, he will try and do something to me, the apartment, my cats, or my stuff.” Block his number, start documenting, get security cams, and start calling the police.
Record his threats, and get a restraining order.” Excellent-Count4009
15. AITJ For Giving My Nephew A Dollhouse Against My Brother's Wishes?
“I (29F) have a nephew, Jack (7M), who loves playing with dolls.
For his birthday, I bought him a popular dollhouse he had been eyeing. Jack was thrilled, but my brother, Jack’s dad, was furious. He accused me of encouraging inappropriate behavior and trying to make Jack “girly.” He demanded I take the gift back and replace it with something more “suitable” for a boy, like action figures or sports equipment.
I refused, saying Jack’s happiness was the priority and that it wasn’t fair to force gender stereotypes on him. This led to a heated argument where my brother said I was undermining his parenting and trying to impose my beliefs on his family. He even went as far as saying that my actions were confusing Jack and that I was causing him emotional harm.
The situation escalated when my sister-in-law joined in, accusing me of always trying to one-up them and disrespect their choices. She brought up past incidents where she felt I overstepped boundaries, making me feel like I was being ganged up on.
To make matters worse, my parents have taken sides.
My mother thinks I should respect my brother’s wishes and return the dollhouse, while my father supports me, saying that Jack’s interests should be nurtured regardless of gender norms. This has created a rift in the family, with gatherings becoming tense and uncomfortable.
Jack still loves the dollhouse and plays with it whenever he visits, but my brother has threatened to stop bringing him over if I don’t apologize and get a more “appropriate” gift. I’m starting to wonder if I really did cross a line.
AITJ for giving my nephew a toy he loves, despite my brother’s objections and the ensuing family conflict?”
Another User Comments:
“You aren’t forcing gender stereotypes onto your nephew. Society has forced gender stereotypes onto toys. But to be clear, is the dollhouse currently kept at your place, for Jack to play with whenever he visits?
Because it sounds like if Jack had the dollhouse at home, Jack’s dad would quickly dump that toy. NTJ.” Ok-Status-9627
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you got him something you knew he wanted and would love. Your brother and sil are the jerks for not allowing their child to be happy.
Some parents are so b****y ridiculous about gender norms, who cares?!!! He wants to play with dolls, then let him!!! She wants to play with cars, then let her!! They are just b****y toys for Christ’s sake!! Sorry, makes me a little angry, can you tell?!
I had a relative tell my daughter who was only 3 at the time that cars are for boys and try to take away her hot wheels, mumma bear flew outta me very fast that day and thankfully that relative hasn’t spoken to me since.” Pitiful-Problem6903
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t. You are NTJ. People need to stop projecting on children. If a boy wants to play with dolls, then that should be okay. We all want fathers to be involved in the upbringing of children, so why not nurture any caring personality traits boys (and children in general) have..
it is just as okay as girls playing with cars. Both my boys (8 and almost 2) love to play in our little kitchen. My almost 2-year-old loves to “give” his bunny food. The favorite color of our 8-year-old was solely pink from ages 4-7. Now it is pink, red, blue, orange, and green but not yellow.
And next year it might be another color or just pink again. As a child, I loved to play with Barbies and cars and other “boy toys”. I also loved to build. Children just play with whatever they want and like. And that could differ from month to month, even day to day.
OP, your nephew might be “girly” but that shouldn’t matter! What matters is him walking his own path. It should be praised that he dares to play with other toys than what people expect of him.” Pollythepony1993
14. AITJ For Telling My Cousin To Stand Up To Her Partner About Her Baby Shower?
“My cousin and her partner have been together for 10 years.
They’re having their first child this November. Her partner is very opinionated.
The other night she called me in tears telling me her partner has decided they’re having her shower at a club so they can have a DJ and open bar. I asked her what happened to the venue she had picked and she told me he vetoed it because he was inviting all his friends and family and that venue wouldn’t work for them.
Now I’m sure some of it is cultural. Celebrations in his culture are massive parties. Our culture is more reserved and while we enjoy large parties we’re a bit more traditional when it comes to things like baby showers.
So when she called me yesterday and started talking about the shower and how she was still upset, I suggested they compromise.
Still have the music and bar but choose a different location. Still, let his family make the food but insist you want certain decorations.
She said no and that she would just get over it because this is how his family did things and that’s what things would be like in the future.
By this point I was annoyed with the whole thing and that she was continually calling me to cry about it that I told her “you need to grow a backbone, he’s ruining your shower, speak up.”
She must have said something because I got about fifteen texts from her partner this morning calling me everything under the sun and how I’ve ruined their relationship and that my cousin doesn’t want to have a shower now.
I do feel like a jerk now because I know how my cousin can be but at the same time I don’t feel bad about her finally standing up for herself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A shower is generally for the mother and the mother’s family.
He is definitely co-opting it. She definitely needs to grow a backbone. You did not ruin anything. You didn’t even interfere. You tried to give your cousin support. She decided to invoke your name in her defense, and now you have to suffer more. That sucks.
Why don’t you and your family plan (with her) and throw the shower? You can invite his family, and then if they want to come they can. If he wants to have an “I’m having a baby bash” at the club, they can do that on their own.” solidly_garbage
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can point out to the guy that your cousin wasn’t happy with what HE was doing long before you spoke to her. Maybe if he wants your cousin/his partner and the mother of his child to be happy he should stop doing what HE wants and actually listen to HER.
This is not a bachelor/bachelorette party. This is a baby shower. If he wants a DJ and drinks, make it an after-party, not for the event itself. She wants to socialize with her guests and open presents and relax and that is not what will happen in a club.
This guy is a huge jerk.” AggravatingNerve3488
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This seems to have been, yet another of those times when your cousin called to vent. She was not open to your impartial (?) third-party views and recommendations. But, as is so often the case with people who are on the receiving end of things, you got tired and told her (forcefully) that she needs to deal with things that bother her.
This time, your words seem to have, finally, sunk in. I’d only add the recommendation that you talk to your cousin about going to some sort of counseling so that she and her partner can (re)create their relationship based on open, honest, and ongoing communication between the two of them.
He seems to be from the old school where “this is how we’ve always done things” is a good enough reason for ignoring someone’s wishes in the matter.” Individual_Ad_9213
13. AITJ For Not Calling My Nonbinary Sibling-In-Law "Bhabhi"?
“So for context, bhabhi means sister-in-law in Hindi. I have three brothers. Two are older and married and one is younger than me.
My oldest brother is married to a woman who I call Bhabhi. My second oldest brother recently got married to his partner of two years. They’re nonbinary but a biological woman. I have never called them bhabhi because I didn’t know if it was disrespectful or not.
I usually refer to them by their name or I call them doll or something.
Yesterday we were all at my parents’ house for dinner. I was setting the table with my eldest sister in law and I was talking to her about this boy I’ve been seeing and I assume I was saying bhabhi a lot.
My brother’s spouse asked me what bhabhi means and I told them it meant sister-in-law. They asked me why I don’t call them bhabhi and I explained my reasoning. They started saying that’s nonsense and saying that I was rude and disrespectful. I really wasn’t trying to be.
My brother and his spouse left and my brother texted me and told me I was rude to his spouse and accused me of not treating them like family. He said he wouldn’t speak to me until I apologized to his spouse. My eldest brother and his wife are on my side but my parents just want to keep the peace and told me I should apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds respectful – as they do not identify as a woman it would indeed be incorrect to refer to them with a feminine title unless they had okayed it themselves. There are some NB individuals who do not want to be called by terms such as brother, sister, wife, husband, etc because they are inherently gendered titles, while others are more relaxed about such things.
You were playing it safe and being appropriate. This would be worth having a calm chat with brother and spouse about – expect them to let you explain why you were keeping your language gender-neutral, that it was to respect their gender identity and not to exclude them from the family, and that if they wish to be referred to as bhabhi then you’d be happy to do so.
But you don’t need to be groveling for an apology.” Fearless_Spring5611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother’s spouse doesn’t identify as a woman, so you were being respectful by not misgendering them as a “sister” which is female. It sounds like you were nice with your explanation as well.
It doesn’t sound like you are refusing to call them that, if they want, but they would need to be prepared to have female pronouns directed at them because calling them “sister-in-law” is going to make others assume their pronouns are female. NTJ.” tawstwfg
12. AITJ For Considering Reporting My Mom For Taking Out Student Loans In My Name?
“When I was graduating from high school, I went to a college fair at my local community college and I signed up to win a raffle. It turned out that it was for the Art Institutes and they started sending letters to my house and my mom pressured me into applying.
I got in but it was so expensive I said I didn’t want to go because I couldn’t imagine going into that much debt to go to art school. I refused to even pack my things and I knew that I was not going to have success going.
At the time I was an undiagnosed autistic 18-year-old and even undiagnosed, my mom knew I couldn’t take care of myself and attempted to get me on SSI for what she thought was bipolar, even hiring a lawyer when the claim was denied. Her reasoning is that I have a hard time talking to people when I’m “flipping out” or other people are rude to me.
But if I’m being honest I also struggle with daily tasks and nonverbal communication.
Well, I was told that I would 1) not have to pay for anything because my mom would and 2) if I didn’t go I would be homeless. So less than a month out of high school I was in student housing attending classes.
I know I signed all kinds of paperwork for the school but I don’t recall ever signing anything for loans. It’s entirely possible that I did though because I was being given paperwork by my mom and at the time I was convinced that I was crazy and she had my best interest at heart.
I was also only 17 and 18.
I was unable to complete the program (no surprise being that I had no support four hours away from family and having the worst college experience imaginable).
So fast forward several years and I see an open letter on my mom’s counter with my name on the envelope, it was from a student loan saying I owed $15,000.
I tried to confront her but she refused to answer any questions, she wouldn’t even tell me how many loans she took out and for what amounts nor give me any account information.
I have gone no contact with her since for reasons unrelated.
I don’t know what to do because if I turn her in I run the risk of losing my family, but I also kind of want justice somewhere for how she has treated me and she is going to ruin my financial future. I have tried to do a change of address through USPS and I have never received any mail being rerouted from her address.
The only thing I can think of doing is getting a lawyer but I don’t want to ruin my mom’s life even if I am done with her, I don’t wish her wrongdoing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think that’s a smart idea.
The college experience is supposed to be fun, but as a neurodivergent person (I’m also neurodivergent, but I was diagnosed as a small child), it can be hard going to college and not having the support that you need in place. Plus, it resulted in a lot of loans that YOU knew would be a lot, and as a result, you couldn’t finish the art school program.” ninaxc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – pull a copy of your credit report to see if these are your loans or not. If they are, then contact the lender(s) for a copy of the loan documents to see if you signed them. Also, get a copy of your account at the school listing all the payments made.
If you signed it after you turned 18 and the school was paid with the proceeds, then you owe it. If you find she forged your signature and/or took some of the money, then you need to either accept she took advantage of you and let it go, or file a police report for identity theft. Just note that once you know it was identity theft and don’t do anything about it, then any court will most likely see you as complicit and not help you if you try to get out of it down the road.” Legal-Lingonberry577
Another User Comments:
“Just with respect to the loan, I don’t know how you’d prove it was fraud if you signed loan documents. Unfortunately, a verbal promise to pay won’t carry much weight if she denies it. The police and courts have an expectation that you read and understood all the contracts you signed off on – which you really admit might’ve included a loan application.
Do you have proof the money went to her sole account? And that she didn’t give you any of it? Because I think that’s probably what you’d need by way of evidence.” Disruptorpistol
11. AITJ For Reporting A Child Licking Sauce Dispensers At Costco To The Staff?
“I went to Costco and bought a hotdog for myself and my husband. After waiting in line, I went to the sauce dispensers to get some mustard. I saw a child licking her fingers, eating the sauce off them, and then proceeding to wipe them on the sauce dispensers (where the sauce comes out), repeating the same thing several times with all three sauce dispensers.
I decided not to confront the child or say anything to her family to avoid causing drama and embarrassing the child. Instead, I told the staff about the incident. A staff member came out and asked who did it, and I pointed at the child.
Probably should’ve kept quiet, but oh well.
The staff member confronted the family, which was a big group with two women and their children of various ages. The child who did this was about 6-7 years old (I saw her licking everything around her and even her mother asked her to stop).
The family then confronted me, asking why I didn’t tell them directly and went straight to the staff. I politely explained that my concern was food safety and that’s all, so I wasn’t looking to confront anyone.
They didn’t believe me, said I must hate children, and spent the next few minutes talking over me and not letting me put a word in.
I reiterated that my concern was only food safety and that I don’t want other people’s saliva in my sauces. The staff member then told them they could easily check the CCTV, which seemed to calm the family down.
I’m still frustrated due to the whole incident.
I hate arguing with people in public and wonder if I am in the wrong here. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ the staff needed to know so that they could clean the dispensers. It’s also not your job to parent that child or to confront the parents, you did the right thing.
I’m also curious as to why the parents knew that it was you that reported this? The staff should’ve handled this very discreetly so that nobody knew who it was that reported their child, that would’ve saved a confrontation altogether.” ScoobaChick28
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they should’ve been watching and disciplining their child. Not even my 3-year-old would do that and he licks the front door after he wipes banana on it. (Still working on that) It’s honestly terrible that you can’t even trust something public to be safe against contamination from irresponsible people.
Thank you for stepping up and talking to the employee, if nothing else it might prompt better sanitization standards and more oversight for health and cleanliness. I doubt the family will learn anything from this, but who knows. Being publicly shamed for bad behavior can do wonders sometimes.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but the Costco employee handled this very poorly. They should have been much more discreet, and when the family asked “who complained” the employee should NOT have pointed you out. What was the employee hoping to achieve by doing this? They apparently didn’t have enough common sense to realize that this was going to lead to a confrontation instead of keeping things calm.
The ONLY reason the family would ask “who complained” is because they want to confront that person. Having that information serves no other purpose and doesn’t actually change the fact of the situation at all. When the family asked who complained the employee should have said something like it doesn’t matter, it’s a health issue or no one complained we observed your child licking the dispensers or something like that.
It’s the employee’s job to deal with the family and clean the dispensers, not yours.” anbaric26
10. AITJ For Not Letting My Best Friend Live On My Farm?
“My husband and I spent 1 year to fulfill our dream of a farm in a mountain area. And another year to finish off everything. Last week I invited my family over for the first time and my best friend.
Since we live in another country, they actually spent the whole weekend here and slept in our guest houses. My parents left on Sunday and my best friend decided to stay for another 3 days.
On the last day, she told me how beautiful it is here and how much she loves it here.
I told her that I am very glad she liked it and she is free to visit me again. She said since she is still single she asked me if she could live here with me and my husband and my kids. She said that the guesthouse is perfect for her and she would work on the farm with me and take care of the kids.
I declined and explained to her that I appreciate how much she likes it here but I would like to only live with my family here and for me, privacy is very important. She told me that I will have privacy because the guesthouse is not directly next to my house and that she will not bother me.
She added how I am lucky in life to have a beautiful place like this in a beautiful area with a husband and kids and that she is unfortunately not lucky at all and she just wishes that I will share this luck with her.
I told her that she needs to find her own luck, if I let her stay here she will never find her own luck, and that it’s important for her to find her own. I told her I am fine with her visiting more often if she feels lonely or needs a break from life, but not living here.
She then basically implied how selfish I am to gatekeep my happiness and not share it with a best friend in need. That if the tables were turned she would let me live with her. I told her that I wouldn’t expect this from her and would never come to the idea of living with her and her kids.
She left and we haven’t talked since. My husband said I did the right thing. He thinks it’s not normal for her to react like that.
Am I the jerk for not helping her out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You built the guest house for guests, not occupants.
It’s also easy to say how you would act if the situation was reversed but that doesn’t mean one thing – you don’t know how you’d act unless you were actually in that situation. Accusing you of gatekeeping your happiness is ridiculous and just a way to shame you into something that SHE wants.
You did the right thing by not letting her foist herself on you and your family. This would not end well.” Initial728
Another User Comments:
“Wow, this friend is certainly laying it on thick with the guilt. It was oh so very nice of her to invite herself to live with OP and her family.
Such entitlement. I’m willing to bet this friend had this whole plan in place to basically move herself in, expecting OP to just accept and welcome her in. She seems quite determined and somewhat desperate for this move. Why? OP did the right thing in telling this friend no. Occasional guests are one thing, a permanent one is a whole ‘nother ball game.” Ratchet_gurl24
Another User Comments:
“Luck and hard work are not equal. You did not get lucky and win a lottery or have a stranger hand you your property, you worked for it. I probably would say there was no luck involved at all gaining the property and maintaining it is hard work.
Friend needs to work to achieve her own dreams she does not get to be added to your dream. When she mentions helping you need to explain you have things under control and do not want help. You are not obligated to share your hard work with someone else.
I’d just for yucks be interested in what she was willing to do to help you. Do not invite her to visit again she will make the visit unpleasant by trying to convince you to let her stay or worse not leave. Do not let her ruin your lifestyle by trying to adapt it to include your friend.
NTJ.” Slightlysanemomof5
9. AITJ For Wanting To Wear My Old Wedding Dress For My New Wedding?
“3 years ago I was briefly engaged, we ultimately called it off before making it down the aisle. I had gotten far enough in the planning process to where I did purchase a dress. It was an expensive purchase and I am still obsessed with it, so I ended up keeping the dress in the hopes that I would get married one day.
Well fast forward to now, I am with a new guy and we just got engaged. When discussing the budget, I told him we had a bit of leeway because I didn’t have to buy a dress. He was pretty upset when I explained, saying he didn’t want me to get married to him in a dress that I had bought while envisioning wearing it to marry my ex.
It really wasn’t like that at all, I bought the dress because I liked how it looked on me, not really picturing my fiance at all. He refuses to believe this and is insisting I buy a new dress. I think this is silly and a waste of money, especially since any new dress I bought would look very similar.
He hasn’t seen the dress I currently have, and I’m seriously considering lying and saying I bought a new one while wearing the old one, but don’t want to start our marriage off on a lie.
So AITJ for wanting to wear the dress I already have to my wedding against my fiancé’s wishes?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can see both sides – wedding dresses are EXPENSIVE! You didn’t actually wear it as you didn’t actually marry the person. There are no wedding photos. I wouldn’t call it “re-use”, because it didn’t get used. However, I can see his POV here, too.
It does seem wild to hold onto something as personal as the dress you bought to marry someone else. It is a very tangible sign of the love you had for another person and the life you hoped to have with them. I don’t have any great suggestions here.
The only thing I can think of is perhaps you can make some minor alterations to modify it slightly? So even if it is “tainted” in his mind, it could be different enough to him that it’s not the same dress that you intended to wear to marry some other person.” NotCreativeAtAll16
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, offer a compromise, offer to have it altered a bit, making it a little different a bit, don’t show it to him. Whether you actually do or not is between you and your conscience. I understand purchasing the dress because you liked or loved it and it not being about the ex, it was about YOU.
Nice wedding dresses can be very expensive so you shouldn’t have to simply settle for something you less than love.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“I think it’s fine, but I’m not your fiance. It bothers him. Maybe if he gave you a ring that he had previously given to someone else it would bother you.
If you’re going to get married you need to learn how to solve these problems. Sit down and talk to him. Stop saying “no really, it isn’t like that” and listen to what he is saying about how he feels. Maybe he will return the favor.
Then you can resolve it. Don’t get married to each other if you’re not both willing to do what it takes to resolve problems. No jerks here.” Miserable_Dentist_70
8. AITJ For Alerting My Friend's Mom About Her Manipulative Partner?
“So in the last few months, my (28F) friend (27F) has gone through a lot of change.
She ended her long-term relationship and her childhood cat had to be put down after a traumatic case of paralysis. I was there to help her through it and as mean as this sounds, I was getting very emotionally drained from constantly supporting her, I love her but it was very mentally taxing.
Three weeks ago she told me she wanted to meet up with a guy. The guy in question was a (20M) who lived 8 hours away, she met him through PlayStation chat. They have been talking for at least 6 months and when they first started talking they were both still in relationships.
She assured me they were “just friends” and only started talking romantically after they had both broken up.
I never liked him, she said that he would prioritize talking to her over his then-partner, didn’t have a job and just stayed home all day playing PlayStation.
I told her I thought it was a terrible idea as she said she planned for him to come to her house and stay for the weekend, I suggested they meet halfway as he lives 8 hours away and she said no.
This was 3 weeks ago, he never left.
She made up stories about him missing the bus and he was going to leave the next day. She got upset and admitted she had been hiding things from me because she knew I wouldn’t approve and it was all too quick
I met him last night and it went as terribly as I expected (yes I only met him last night as I didn’t even want to meet him at all).
He is Indian and doesn’t speak English very well, he didn’t engage with me at all and just sat on his phone watching TikTok.
She and I were catching up and I mentioned a recent relationship fail and how I was ghosted. He perked up and laughed, he said that he would do that to my friend when they started talking, “treat em mean, keep em keen”.
He said it was fun to manipulate her because he knew she would be “desperate enough” to come back to him. I got up and left as I wouldn’t have been able to hold back.
She confronted me today and we had a huge fight.
I told her my concerns, that it’s a dangerous situation she has gotten herself into. She laughed and said that I’m overreacting, that “it sounds bad when he says things like that but it’s just a joke!”
She told me that she’s enjoying it while it lasts because he will probably be deported soon as his visa is about to expire.
She said that they were thinking of getting married so he could stay in the country.
After that, I called her mum, who knew nothing about this. My friend usually talks to her mum every day and always speaks highly of the advice she gives her.
So I called her as I was concerned because I assumed she knew about this but she didn’t and it didn’t end well.
My friend has now left me dozens of messages and phone calls cursing me out.
AITJ for calling her mum because she plans to marry a man who is just using and manipulating her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ friend is spiraling into self-destructive behavior, now is the time she needs her support network to make sure she’s thinking things through and not just reacting emotionally in ways she’ll later regret. You’re trying to be a good friend, letting her mom know was sensible.
Unfortunately from this point going forward, it’s up to your friend to get the help she needs. Might be worth telling your friend that she is acting extremely out of character after a very traumatizing time, and you believe she isn’t coping in a healthy manner.
That it hurts to see her allow herself to be used and be so reckless, so you’ve alerted her support network as you need to step back.” I_wanna_be_anemone
Another User Comments:
“That was a well-intentioned move, it’s too bad it ended up backfiring on you.
It looks like your friend is having a difficult time at the moment and is willfully blind about the situation with her “SO”. I’d be alarmed too if it were a friend of mine. Well at least her parent is in the know now thanks to you.
Hopefully, they’ll be able to talk her out of making rash decisions like marrying this guy to get him a green card. Unfortunately, your relationship with your friend may never recover. I don’t think you’re the jerk or only a little though, because you legitimately thought her mom would’ve been in the know so you wouldn’t be spilling any secrets.” Global_Look2821
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry, but you tried talking with her. You tried meeting him for her sake. You tried AGAIN talking with her. You did the right thing despite what she says. IDK what the heck your friend is possibly thinking. The only reason he is with her is because she is naive enough to agree to marry him so he doesn’t have to go back to his home country.
It sounds to me like your friend is just looking for a man who is willing to marry her. I hate to agree with the guy, but she is desperate. She wants to be married, say she is happy, and that she is finally going to start her life.
INFO: why did she end things with her previous SO?” the_greek_italian
7. AITJ For Being Polite To My No-Show Cleaning Lady?
“I had a cleaning service recommended to me so I set up an appointment. She was supposed to be at my house at 10 am. By 10:45 she still hadn’t arrived. I sent her a message verifying if 10 was correct.
No answer. By 11:15 I assumed she either got tied up at her previous job or she simply didn’t show up. Just to make sure, I sent her a final text in which I said ‘Maybe I was mistaken but I thought we had scheduled a 10 am cleaning.
Perhaps we can reschedule for another time.’
My brother absolutely lost it over this message. He said I’m taking the blame for the cleaning lady not showing up. He said by using the word ‘mistaken’ I have now laid the blame on myself.
I told him I didn’t see at all where he got that impression. I was simply being polite about the missed appointment. I didn’t think it was a question of assigning blame to anyone. Just a polite suggestion that maybe I got the time wrong but it’s no big deal. Well, my brother exploded at my laid-back reaction insisting I shouldn’t send that message.
I mean this isn’t a legal issue. Even if I was somehow assuming blame it’s not like it’s a situation where someone is going to be sued. But I kid you not my brother and I got into a HUGE fight over this innocuous message.
He said I’m what’s wrong with society. People like me who go around being polite instead of assigning responsibility to the people who deserve it.
So now I’m perplexed. Is my brother right? Did I do something terribly wrong by using the word ‘mistaken’?
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It reads like you’re blaming it on communication issues, not assuming blame. If you were rude straight off the bat she would never come to your home. Maybe she called out sick and you weren’t informed, maybe she was double booked and didn’t realize, you don’t know why she was late, there are a thousand reasons why someone would be late/not show up.
If it happens again though I’d switch cleaning services and tell her exactly why.” DangerousAdvice3631
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re a jerk, but I’ve stopped doing this kind of thing. If I know we scheduled it for 10, I’m not going to pretend I was mistaken.
If I was still interested in using a service that never showed up and didn’t contact me, I would’ve simply said “I’m sorry we missed each other. I cannot wait any longer. These days/times would be good for me if you’d like to reschedule”.
However, I most likely wouldn’t use them again unless they had a very good reason for the lack of communication.” Piaffe_zip16
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But personally, I find as a people pleaser my language is usually less aggressive and leans more towards no blame than assigning blame and aggression.
In my opinion, by denoting it as a mistake, you are giving the cleaning lady an easy out. That is not necessarily a bad thing if you do plan on trying to have a second interaction with her. Your brother seems to be on more of the aggressive level and I understand where he’s coming from.
Personally, I’ve had to adjust my own language to make sure I’m asking for something and not just glossing over things. Like I might have said: “Hi just checking in, we didn’t get to meet up today at 10:00 a.m. as originally scheduled. Please reach out to me as soon as you can so that we can make another attempt.” Because my end goal of contacting that person would be to request a follow-up conversation.” Hot-Adhesiveness-438
6. AITJ For Letting My Wife Leave The House With A Whisky Sticker On Her Sweater?
“In Canada, there is a brand of whisky that the label on the back of the bottle is a sticker.
A lot of guys put them on their truck, hard hat, or toolbox.
I was about to recycle a bottle when I decided to peel off the sticker and put it on my wife’s sweater.
I thought it was funny. She thought it was funny.
Our daughter is coming over with her husband to celebrate her birthday with us. My wife and I are getting the house and yard ready.
I told my wife that I ate the chocolate bar she had bought for s’mores so she went to get more.
When she got home she called me an idiot for letting her leave the house with a whisky sticker on her chest. Her words.
She forgot it was there too so I don’t see how this is all my fault.
She said she was getting a lot of side-eye at Safeway and didn’t know why.
She isn’t really mad but she isn’t happy either.”
Another User Comments:
“From the title, I expected it to be something where you placed it on her back without her knowing it was there. But nope, she knew from the get-go. Should you have said something?
Probably. Does she get to blame you for her own forgetfulness because you didn’t? Nope. This is sort of on both of you, but I’d say more on her.
S’mores pro-tip: Instead of full-sized chocolate bars, consider getting a variety pack of miniature chocolates. Like Hershey’s Minis or Ghirardelli Squares.
They’re already sized for s’mores. Plus you get multiple flavours of chocolate to choose from. The mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups work well too. If you have a good-sized group and want to go a bit extra, you can also get things like a jar of lemon curd.
Use it in place of the chocolate and you now have a lemon pie s’more. Could be a nice alternative if you have guests who aren’t big on chocolate.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This barely passes for conflict. But to your point, you said “she (my wife) thought it was funny” meaning she was aware that you put it there.
It’s not like you hugged her and snuck it onto the back of her top like a “kick me” sign. And also as a fellow woman, I’m not all that concerned with my appearance, but I still do a once over check before leaving the house.” hayleybeth7
Another User Comments:
“I’m a school counselor and we used to do cat whiskers on Dr. Seuss day. One time I left school mid-day to go to the post office. Had some looks but didn’t think much of it. Didn’t remember the whiskers until I returned to school.
This post just brought that moment flooding back to me.” EveningCover8917
5. AITJ For Blaming My Brother For His Daughter's Hostility Towards His Partner?
“This is a conflict between me (25f) and my brother (30m). My brother has a 7-year-old daughter with his ex-wife (30f). Right now he’s “engaged” to his current partner (28f). They’ve been together for 2 years.
So my brother and his ex are high school sweethearts who got married right after graduation and they had my niece a few years later.
My brother always knew his ex had the “blended family isn’t real family” “stepfamily isn’t real family” “half-siblings aren’t real siblings” mindset. She had a blended family and she did not consider them her family, just bio. She was always very anti-step/half in general. When they were newly married they were asked to leave my aunt and uncle’s house because my uncle is technically my cousin’s adoptive father (formerly step) and my brother’s ex was spewing that nonsense in their house.
His ex always talked about how her kids would know family is b***d, family is real mom, real dad, real siblings, and would never ever have a family relationship with any steps. My brother knew this before they had my niece. He still had my niece with her and when they broke up when my niece was 2 he never acknowledged the fact it was going to be difficult for him to partner up again and have a decent household when my niece was being raised with those views.
This is where his partner comes in. They’ve been together for two years and my niece does not acknowledge her as dad’s partner and is generally kinda hostile to her. It’s not adult levels but she says a lot of the stuff her mom has taught her.
So when my brother proposed, his partner said she couldn’t say yes at that moment and she asked for couples counseling. Apparently, she loves my brother but has her doubts about the future with my niece’s views and reluctance to accept her. She said she doesn’t want to make things worse and doesn’t want a household where the child isn’t comfortable with her.
Plus she wants children and knowing how my niece feels is a concern for her.
My brother is really starting to worry he will lose her now. He was talking to me about it and I told him he should have considered this when he divorced, because he knew how his ex spoke to their daughter and the views she was teaching her.
He told me that’s not his fault and how dare I blame him for his ex’s decisions. I said I’m not blaming him for her decisions. I’m blaming him for not taking those into consideration and not counteracting them right away. I told him he started doing it when his ex had already gotten several years of a head start on him and he only started when it was clear my niece was refusing to give his partner a shot which is something his partner was taking note of very clearly.
He told me I am still blaming him for his ex’s decisions and he also told me to back off.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“If you see smoke coming from a kitchen, you expect someone to check it out and put it out if it’s a fire.
Everyone else saw the smoke when he divorced his “bio family is the only family that matters” ex-wife. Your brother only took this seriously when his current partner declined his proposal. Tbh, I think you shouldn’t be afraid to point out to your brother he’s starting to demonstrate a pattern of “love goggles”, a “love conquers all” mindset.
When he was with his ex-wife he ignored that she disrespected people who didn’t share her viewpoints, e.g. your uncle kicking her out. In his current relationship he was blindsided by the fact his partner does not have love goggles, she knows his daughter’s hostility to her isn’t a good environment to raise kids in.
Otherwise, he would be engaged to her and continue to ignore his daughter’s behavior. NTJ.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He needs family counseling ASAP. If the ex refuses to allow it then he should get a lawyer. He might have to go to court to get permission if the ex fights it.
His reasoning needs to not include his partner if he needs to go before a judge. The judge might not consider that a reason. He can say that it’s because he wants to make sure that he is co-parenting her correctly. To make sure that she feels comfortable in his home.
He needs to find out what is being said with a professional leading the conversation. If he asks the ex to go and she refuses a judge won’t like that. I see that as the only way to stop his partner from walking away and him leading a content life going forward.” Bfan72
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I think YTJ. First of all your bother married her despite her beliefs because he was probably aware of why she held those beliefs and felt they were justified at the time. Secondly, it’s easy to spot these details and put them together when you are outside of the situation and have the benefit of hindsight.
It’s not an immediate assumption that a mother would poison their child with hate for years. Even knowing her stance it is just not something someone would think a parent would be sharing with their child at such a young age.” Ranoutofoptions7
4. AITJ For Wanting To Host Christmas At Home Instead Of Traveling To My Sister's House?
“We have been schlepping 3 kids between 8-hour drives for the holidays since our first child was born 8 years ago. Recently, we got a new house which was finally big enough to host, and talked to our families about our desire to stay home for Christmas from now on (although made it clear we would love to have them join us.).
I expected our parents to have a tough time with this, but they were understanding. My sister, however, (who recently had her first child), was caught completely off guard and pretty upset about the changes. We made it clear we were perfectly willing to trade the opportunity to host family with her (so that the family we share could go back and forth each Christmas, every other year at our house or hers), or that she could come to us if she didn’t want to host. What we weren’t willing to do was travel to her house.
I assumed she would share our desire to have Christmas at home (and want to trade off hosting), but this in no way seemed to be the case. She was upset that we simply “announced” we weren’t going to travel anymore, and it wasn’t a group conversation since it affected the whole family.
She also didn’t believe it was something she could do with her in-laws, as she didn’t see them as ready to give up Christmas.
AITJ for wanting to stay home with my husband and kids, and not being willing to travel to my sister’s house on off-years even though we are perfectly willing to share hosting with her, and not “monopolizing” the side of the family we do share?
I was completely caught off guard that she didn’t see our perspective at all, and pretty upset to be seen as the bad guy.”
Another User Comments:
“I love my parents, but they are a stress case at Christmas. Basically, they insist on hosting and they have a checklist of “traditions” that have to be followed by the letter.
My sister and I know this, but it’s still kinda a lot of drama sometimes. It’s not a huge deal to me because I live close to our parents, but my sister and her family have to fly. After coming “home” for 10 years AFTER having kids, my sister suggested that maybe they could host for a while because they found it exhausting to travel during Christmas.
Our parents – mostly our dad – kinda lost their cool, lol. Sooo much drama! I have to say I wasn’t excited about having to travel with my 2 kids, but I didn’t have to join in on this fight. My parents argued on my behalf, lol.
So what ended up happening was they got to spend every other year at home just them. My parents and my kids and I were invited to come, but they didn’t really expect me to show up. My sister said she totally understood the cost being an issue.
But our parents went there just once before saying it was too hard on them to travel during the holidays. So, I say NTJ because I think everyone needs to find their own family traditions and energy. But I totally understand why there’s drama.” Tight_Beautiful_343
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I never could understand why people do this. All this traveling, the stress of hosting! No one really enjoys it everyone is tired and the kids are cranky. The last time we traveled for Christmas was 2007 and only because we knew FIL was not going to see another one!
I like Christmas at home with my wife, or maybe if funds allow at a hotel for 3 nights over Christmas. Christmas with extended family, sorry there is nothing worse!” Successful_Bath1200
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We lived 3000 km from our families and they were in the same place.
We always came home for Christmas and started off by firmly telling them we would only do one Christmas Day visit but would rotate each year who got Xmas Day. After two years of crap, we then introduced a third option in the rotation – we stayed home and did our own thing.
After about 6-7 years of this, my MIL did enough damage to her relationship with me (combined with an epic Christmas lunch meltdown and abuse session) that I just said I wouldn’t go anymore. I’ll see her Boxing Day or Christmas Eve but never, ever again on Christmas Day.
Hubby decides what he wants to do and we go from there with planning. We have moved back near family and I still hold this boundary. You are never the jerk for setting your own processes and boundaries, particularly not when kids come into it.
You just have to be prepared to wear the consequences.” commentspanda
3. AITJ For Paying A Family's Meal After Their Father Had A Stroke?
“So I’m a restaurant manager and today we had an older customer have a mini-stroke in the restaurant.
We called 911, ambulance came and got him. Well, the family was still here and the wife of the older gentleman came to pay. I told them that it’s on the house, that it’s okay, just so they can go and be with him at the hospital faster.
My grandfather who raised me had a stroke back when I was 13 so I know how scary that can be.
Well, she was grateful and thanked us but the son, about in his 40s I guess, got offended and threw up his hands acting like I just offended him.
So AITJ for paying for a family’s meal when their older dad had a stroke?”
Another User Comments:
“Obviously, we will never know what was going on in the son’s mind. My gut feeling is that it’s more likely that he had been telling his mom they needed to just leave immediately regardless of the bill and she had insisted on paying rather than following the ambulance.
In other words, my speculation is that his gesture was aimed at his mom and not you. Regardless, you are NTJ. Thank you for being a good person.” S******************4
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are an observant, kind, and compassionate human being, please do not change.
The customer was probably acting irrationally because of the situation, so I give him a pass as well. It is tough seeing a family member get sick or have a health episode. He was probably just lashing out at anything, and not anything you did.
I hope you have a happy life, and that your customers all ended up being okay.” UnicornFarts1111
Another User Comments:
“It’s likely that it wasn’t directed at you but at the family member who was concerned about paying the bill. Plenty of people wouldn’t give a crap about a bill if a family had a serious medical emergency and would want to leave to go to be with them at the hospital. They mostly likely drove together and she held them up by saying she wanted to pay the bill and he disagreed because of the situation.
Then when you said it was taken care of he likely threw his hands up as more of a “great you’ve wasted our time to pay a bill you didn’t need to” situation. Not everyone will have the same reaction in an emergency, he clearly felt that it was urgent to get to the hospital and she was probably frazzled and didn’t want to cause any issues with an unpaid bill despite it being a less urgent matter.
NTJ.” ScribblerQ
2. AITJ For Refusing My Dad's Request To Believe In God?
“I (32m) recently had a conversation with my dad (62m) where he asked me if I would “consider believing in god for him.”
This week my parents had to put down the family dog because of a myriad of health issues he had. He lived 13 good years and gave us much joy and love.
My dad is taking it really hard.
My dad has never been religious as far as I know but my mom goes to church on Christian holidays. About 7 months ago my dad had a cancer scare. It took about 4 months of testing to find out the lump in his stomach wasn’t cancer and he’s perfectly healthy now.
He claims those 4 months of waiting for test results put the “fear of god into him” and now he’s a believer. I have never been religious for a variety of reasons but what it boils down to is I just don’t have faith in any higher power.
My dad told me to think over my response and get back to him later. I know telling him the truth would hurt him but I also don’t want to just lie to him to make him happy. When he asked me to believe he basically said he wants all of our family together in heaven and if we’re not all there, there’s no point.
WIBTJ for telling him no I won’t believe in god?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m also a non-believer and I completely understand that it can be really hard to approach the topic with family/relatives who are religious, so I’d say NTJ here. I’m sure that your father just wants to feel connected to you, especially if he has experienced some sort of enlightenment through religion, however, you’re your own person and you ultimately make the decision in what you believe in.
My advice would be to tell him that you don’t feel comfortable adopting a religion that you don’t believe in, but you will always be supportive of your family and be there for them when they need it. You can’t control his reaction, but you can at least hope that he understands that a difference in beliefs won’t change that you care for him.” loeycity
Another User Comments:
“I think this is more about your father facing his own mortality which was confirmed by his “wants all of our family together in heaven” comment. What do you want to do? Do you want to be honest to make yourself feel better or do you want to try to offer your father some solace?
There is the white lie route. You could also tell him you’re more agnostic than atheist. That “I’m not sure, but maybe Dad. I’d really like to think we’ll be together again someday after all is said and done” might give him a little bit of whatever it is he needs and is seeking.
No one is a jerk here and I think this is just a difficult situation because it’s family. You have to do what feels right and what you can live with.” Proper_Purple3674
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How you navigate your faith and its effect on those around you is entirely up to you.
I’m not religious and when talking to my Christian mom about it, the only thing she asked of me (and my nonreligious brothers) is that when we die we accept god into our hearts so we can go to heaven. Personally, my brothers and I had no issue telling a white lie and promising our mother this.
We know she only asked because she cares and by not agreeing, she wouldn’t fight us about it but it would cause her unnecessary worries. To us, there is no harm in her believing this and it actually has no impact on our lives whatever she thinks.
It works for us. Some people aren’t comfortable with this sort of lie, or having others believe something untrue about them, especially when it comes to religion. Also, your dad may be the type to keep pushing if you give him an inch and for you, the best way to deal with that is to put a hard stop on it.
Just do it gently. Clearly, he’s having a rough time and this sort of thing takes a while to come to terms with for religious parents. Although if he keeps pushing and becomes disrespectful of your choice that’s a different matter.” Professional-Scar628
1. AITJ For Inviting A Chess Player To Play With An Elderly Resident At The Assisted Living Facility I Work At?
“I work at an assisted living facility, I.E. a nursing home for people who are very elderly and cannot care for themselves.
One of the residents in the wing where I work is “Josh”, a 97-year-old man who has pretty bad cognitive decay. Most of the time, he doesn’t remember who I am, who he is, where he is, or what’s going on. However, he’s a former national chess champion, something I only know about because the personal effects in his room include some of his trophies and other awards.
We’ve got a few sets in the common areas, and if you can wake him up long enough to play, he does still remember how, and he’s thrashed most of the staff at one point or another over the board.
Well, it’s not a close friend, but I have a guy I know who is kind of a friend of a friend, let’s call him “Bob”, and he’s the top player at some local chess association.
A LONG way down from a pro player, but the sort of guy who is usually the strongest player in the room. I had mentioned that one of the residents I care for is this former champion, and he asked to come by to visit since Bob’s a huge chess nerd and wanted to meet a national champion, no matter what kind of state he was in.
We allow visitors, so I signed him in, and by good luck, it was on one of Josh’s better days.
Long story short, they went into one of the common rooms and played chess for 6 hours straight. I wasn’t able to stick around to watch most of it, but I talked with Bob afterward, who said that while he’s clearly not the player he was when he won the national championships anymore, Josh is still a ‘mean old buzzard’ over the board, and won a bit over 2/3 of their games.
Josh missed dinner, and I had to get into the canteen after hours and make him some scrambled eggs and toast just so he’d have something to eat. And I was with him for the dinner, and it was the most animated I’d seen him in….
ever, actually. He was actually talking about his day and definitely remembered what was going on, and how this ‘young punk’ came to challenge him and he had to show the kid how it’s done.
All in all, I thought I did a good thing, brightened up a very old, very sick man’s day.
But pretty much all of my co-workers have the opposite take, that disrupting his schedule and agitating him like that was a bad, jerkish thing to do, especially if it caused him to miss his regular dinner. I’m pretty new at this job, so I do value their opinions, but I don’t think what I did was wrong.
Am I the jerk here? Especially if I do it again?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but you may have caused issues for night shift – having a resident that far off schedule may impact how he behaves in the nighttime after you leave, if he rests ok, if he’s difficult in the morning, etc. Also, delays on dinner may affect medications, when they can be taken, and how effective they are.
I would say, if you think about taking Bob back there again, let Bob know “hey his dinner is at X time, you need to wrap it up around then.” If he’s in a good mental place when they finish a game but it’s nearly dinner, maybe Bob can get him to talk about his tournaments instead?” CaeruleumBleu
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I am an RN and I have spent a lot of time around the elderly. This started when I was very young, long before becoming a nurse. I say all of this really not knowing what your role is in this facility.
I want you to know that what you did was a wonderful thing. You went above and beyond and gave Josh a day to remember, even if just for a little while. I hope that you will consider a career that involves taking care of others, nursing, occupational therapy, care management, etc. Thank you for going the extra mile to make his day!” jacquelineslee
Another User Comments:
“A guy nearing the end of his life who has probably outlived most relatives and practically every friend he’s ever had was able to spend a few hours doing something he has a life-long passion for. That’s incredible and it was awesome of you to go out of your way to make that happen.
However….”they went into one of the common rooms and played chess for 6 hours straight. I wasn’t able to stick around to watch most of it.” This might have been a bit much, especially since you weren’t around for most of it. You know his physical and mental condition far better than I do, so maybe it’s no big deal, but 6 hours seems like a long time.
It doesn’t make you the jerk at all, but you might want to scale that back a little bit in the future, or at least make sure he’s able to eat when he’s supposed to. Overall, great job, OP. Keep it up. NTJ.” OGBrewSwayne
