People Seek Comfort After Telling Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Family For Causing My Significant Other To Be Sent To The ER?
“My (23 M) family is very close and we regularly gather together for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. My grandfather passed away earlier this year and he was a veteran. He didn’t like loud noises because of his war trauma, so our family was very used to not popping balloons, crackers, or fireworks around him.
My significant other (19 F) also really hates loud sounds due to her traumatic childhood. I invited her to my niece’s birthday party, and I asked my family in advance not to pop any balloons around her because of her trauma.
I didn’t specify what it was because that’s not my information to share. They all were pretty annoyed about it but agreed to keep the loud sounds to a minimum for her. We also agreed that my SO and I would leave before the party ended so we wouldn’t be around when the kids began to pop all the balloons, that way they’d still get to have fun.
When we got there, my family was making some mean jokes about how my asking them to keep the noise down for my SO was an insult to my grandfather’s war trauma. I told them to cut it out, and after that things were running smoothly for the next two hours.
I have to clarify here that my SO is in therapy and she was slowly getting over her fear of loud noises but she can’t bear too many of them in one go.
After that, my cousin (21 M) purposely popped a balloon near her.
She was startled, but she laughed it off and moved away from him. He and other family members, however, took her reaction to mean that I was over-exaggerating about her trauma. More people started ‘accidentally’ popping balloons around her, mostly when I wasn’t with her, and she ended up having a panic attack that transformed into a bad asthma attack and I drove her to the ER because we didn’t have her inhaler with us.
As I was leaving, I basically blew up at my mother who had also popped some balloons. I said that my family had all coordinated this to test how much of the popping my SO could handle and purposely triggered her trauma.
My mother replied that I was being selfish to expect them to accommodate her and that I was being disrespectful to my grandfather by expecting them to continue the no-popping rule made for him for my SO. She also said I was being a jerk and I wasn’t invited back to any events if I didn’t apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like your family was looking for an excuse to be mean to someone. I personally wouldn’t go to any other events until THEY apologize for what they did. Maybe even pay the bill for the ER since they did that.
I’d block them or cut them off if they’re going to treat people that way. That’s unacceptable. Your SO needs people who can help her feel better about herself and help her through the trauma. Not make it worse.” Arya_Skye
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – go low contact until your family learns to have some basic decency. You and your SO were polite and even made compromises, but your family purposefully disrespected her boundaries and dismissed her trauma and feelings.
They literally sent her to the ER because they didn’t believe her and didn’t care about your SO’s well-being. If they’re like this about a very simple ask (do not pop balloons), then how can they be trusted when it comes to any other boundaries?
What about someone who doesn’t like to be touched due to trauma? Or someone with allergies who can’t eat certain foods? This behavior definitely sounds in line with those who ‘hide’ an allergen in food so they can ‘prove’ if an allergy is real.
This type of dismissive, disrespectful, petty, and deeply immature behavior from your family is a massive red flag.” ctortan
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good on you for standing up for your SO. Your family was being unreasonable; war isn’t the only thing that can traumatize people, and it’s already scary for your SO to have to disclose that she has trauma.
I am afraid of certain noises myself and feel horrible every time I have to bring it up because it’s hard to explain to people who do not have the same problem.
They are the ones who should apologize to your SO.
She isn’t even causing them trouble (they can live without popping balloons).
I can’t believe that even after seeing her get an asthma attack they would continue to downplay her condition. If I were her I’d never come back to any party, but if she does I’d take her away from future parties before it escalates to this extent.
She must have felt too nervous around your family to say she wants to leave. If they refuse to understand then it’s up to you to protect her.” User
17. AITJ For Not Being Comfortable Being My Significant Other's Grandma's Caretaker?
“I (19 f) used to be my grandma’s (78) caretaker before she passed away 4 months ago. I have been volunteering in nursing homes and charity organizations for elders since 16 and my grandma was the only full-time parent I had growing up so it wasn’t hard for me.
However, after her passing, I stopped and I do not think I will be doing any volunteering any time soon.
Now my significant other’s (23) mom came to stay over for a few days and brought up the topic. She said that they’ve been very busy and they can’t afford to hire a caretaker and since I work a week on and another off I’d be able to take care of her mother.
I tried to refuse politely and told her I only did it because I was very familiar with my grandma’s conditions and she was my only family which was why I was comfortable doing it. She started saying how they’re the only family I have now and we should be supporting each other through rough times.
My SO told her she has no job so it’s easier for her to do it and that I need some time healing. She started yelling at him for disrespecting her and calling her jobless when she is that way because she stayed at home raising him all these years so she needs time for herself and she was talking to me so it was none of his business.
All of us went silent until she decided to leave and tell me to come over on Monday. I told her I wasn’t going to look after someone I am not close to and I am not comfortable with doing that as I am still mourning and I also need time for myself.
My SO has been receiving texts and calls from here and there which he refuses to tell me about pretending it’s not about me but I also received some from my end from his mom and aunt calling me a jerk for not counting them as family and refusing to do what I am best at doing.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, you can be more clear. It sounds like you said you won’t take care of her mother because you do not know her or her condition and because you’re grieving.
I think you need to tell her you won’t take care of her mother because you are 19 freaking years old and you’ve already put your life on hold to care for your grandmother, which you did so lovingly because she was your grandmother.
But you do not love her mother, are not free care, and will be living your own life moving forward.
If she says she’s family, then tell her you want to go to college and she needs to pay.” Rhuthbarb
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, and do not let anyone tell you differently. Your SO’s mom and aunt are the jerks. Your SO’s mom is very entitled if she thinks she can take advantage of you for free labor to care for her own aging relative so she can ‘have time for herself’.
Her comments about ‘being your only family now’ etc. are also very manipulative. She wants to shirk her own responsibilities and put all of the admittedly difficult labor onto someone else. She talks about being disrespectful but obviously has no respect for you, your grief, or your time.
And I bet she expects you to do all of this for free as well. What a peach.
Props to your SO for standing up for you and trying to shield you from his mom’s entitlement.” M4UN4K34
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This family is trying to use you, they do not care about you or your grief. You do not have a relationship with this elderly woman, and she isn’t your family. Why would you take care of her free of charge?
They are trying to manipulate you into doing something they won’t do themselves. I would rather get another job and get paid for it than take care of someone because they can’t afford to, or refuse to do it themselves.
If you are in the U.S. at her age she should have insurance (Medicare) or a private plan that would pay a home health aide to come in if she isn’t in need of a nursing home.
Do not let them manipulate or bully you.
You do not owe this family anything. You need to be thinking of your future, and how to get ahead in life. I am in my 50s, and as I get older I hope that no one sacrifices their youth taking care of me while opportunities pass them by.” ContentedRecluse
16. AITJ For Going Home Early Because Of My Mother's Partner's Behavior?
“I (30M) visited my mother for Thanksgiving and my plan was to stay until Monday. Little did I know that when my mother picked me up from the airport, my ex-stepfather (my mother was married to this man and divorced years ago, and are now back together) was there in the car as a ‘surprise’ from my mother.
A little context for this man though. He made my life miserable growing up and was very controlling of me and my brother. He would not be supportive of anything my brother and I did and would gaslight us consistently.
My mother is lonely where she lives now, and she really wanted someone to be with which is why they amended and got back together, but did not remarry.
So, Friday, I had to work on some crucial work-related things that came up out of nowhere, and I was on my laptop in my room finishing those things up.
My mother called me to dinner and I asked her to give me a few minutes because I needed to finish my train of thought with this email I was sending. My mother’s partner then opened the door and said it’s time to eat now and I asked him to give me a few minutes.
He then proceeded to turn off my laptop and I stopped him to the point where it didn’t just shut down automatically, but it still shut down and I lost the email I was typing up along with some other work files that were still open (I was able to salvage a little bit of it).
He and I got into a verbal altercation and I said that he doesn’t control me anymore and that he is completely out of line for shutting down my laptop, to which he said this is his and my mother’s household and it’s their rules.
I got so irritated to the point where I said to both of them that I would be changing my flight to later today and that once I am treated like I am an adult and not a teenager, I would come back for Christmas, so that’s exactly what I did.
I got a later flight, Ubered there, and left for home early.
I’ve been doing some self-care things for the past two days to take my mind off of what happened because my mother was so upset when I left early.
But, instead of thoroughly enjoying my time off, I was left with the ‘surprise’ of my mother’s partner being there, and still controlling me even eight years after he and my mother divorced. I love my mother, but there is no way I am putting up with behavior like that from her partner (even if her partner keeps her company and makes her happy).
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What an awful Thanksgiving surprise. Not only are they back together but living together? Ugh.
You can see your mom and support her not being lonely I think without spending much time with him. If the history is as awful as you say I definitely wouldn’t stay there again.
Maybe get a hotel if you decide to visit?
He was completely out of line for sure. Did he know you were working and not just playing a game or something? Not that this is a defense for his actions but I am curious.
For Pete’s sake, you are 30 years old.
I do not blame you a bit and would be unlikely to ever stay there again as long as he lives with her.
Perhaps she can come to visit you?” SaraG1973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You are a full-grown adult who was taking a few moments to finish a task for work, and he treated you like a child (not that a child should be treated that badly, either). And of course, he immediately calls it ‘his household’ after moving in with your mother.
Even if he was a complete stranger, this behavior would be unacceptable, but with your history together, it’s completely understandable that you did not want to be around him.
I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, I imagine it will strain things between you and your mother going forward.
For whatever reason, she’d rather be with this controlling jerk than alone (even though I am sure there are far better men out there). You can decide how much of a relationship you want with her, and how much you are willing to deal with.
If she is willing to visit you without him, it could still work, but it’s possible that someone that controlling won’t let her go anywhere alone. I hope things work out, but you do not have to subject yourself to him for her sake.” Thesafflower
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepfather’s actions were beyond reproach. He is still the narcissistic, gas-lighting jerk he was when you were young. I am so sorry this man has reentered your mother’s and by connection your, life.
You handled the situation beautifully. Good for you for creating boundaries. Moving forward, have your mother come visit you, instead of the other way around. On another note, I truly hope your mother is ok. People like him are difficult to shake, once you’ve let them into your life.” AffectionateAd8770
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your mother’s partner is. Did your mother ever stand up for you ever in your life? It doesn’t sound like it. The jerk had no right to touch your laptop. I do not blame you for getting on a plane and leaving.
Unfortunately in the future, you’re going to have to find out when he’s not there so you can see your mother or he’s just going to continue to make your life miserable. Sad that your mother is so lonely that she had to go back to this jerk.” No_Interview_2481
15. AITJ For Leaving Our House When I Turned 18?
“I (30s) have a decent life. I have a loving SO and I wouldn’t trade them for the world, nor my kids. The way I got to where I am now was not fun, though. I’ll spare the exact details, but essentially I did not have a childhood, and I will never look back on my early years with any sort of fondness.
I am and always will be in no contact with my mother because she is the single most toxic person on the face of this earth and she blames me for her life being in shambles right now (it’s her fault, I had nothing to do with that).
My father was a heavy drinker because of her and initially did nothing to stop the mistreatment (not physical), but when he finally grew a pair and separated from her, she made his life miserable. He won in the end but it took a toll.
He’s not in the best of health and is currently living with me and my SO, and, like many old men his age, refuses to sit around and not help around the house. He refuses to believe he can’t do things like he used to, which has resulted in a few trips to the hospital. My siblings come and visit him and my family often because they love him, just as I do.
Before anyone says I should blame him just as much, just pack it away. That is in the past and he regrets it. Nothing I can say will ever hurt him more than his own guilt over not protecting us.
He’s grown a nice shiny spine since then and uses it to spoil his grandkids rotten.
On to the issue. While my siblings generally do not bring things up from our childhood, two nights ago we had a party and my dad took the kids to Cici’s.
This of course involved drinking. Later in the evening, my siblings remarked that they did resent me for ducking out the second I turned 18. I’ll be blunt and say yes, I did. I ran the second I could. I ‘stole’ funds from my mother (which she had originally stolen from me) and hid them in a false back to the air intake to the central AC unit for as long as I could, then ran without notice the second I was 18.
I won’t explain how I made it. I went totally no contact with my family and built my life. Why? As the oldest, my mother put everything on me and berated me for everything she failed to do. If the power got cut, it was my fault.
If the roof sprung a leak, it was my fault. It was horrible. So I left.
I didn’t call CPS, mainly because I thought my mother just hated me. I found out later that when I left, Mother lost her target, and turned to my oldest sister, then to my brother.
By the time my brother was 17, Dad got custody and Mom was cut out. My siblings accused me of not caring for them then, and I, equally inebriated, shouted back that I had to leave for my own sanity. The night ended with everyone angry at each other, and I can’t help but feel I hurt them by saying I had to.
I do not regret leaving, not one bit. I regret that I didn’t and couldn’t help them. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is clearly the major jerk here, but sorry dude, it was your dad’s job to protect you from her.
She didn’t turn him into a heavy drinker. He was a grown man and made his own choices. I am glad he’s good to your kids and that you now have a loving relationship, but your sibs shouldn’t be blaming you for not doing your parents’ job.
You were drowning and you saved yourself. It probably felt like abandonment to your sibs, since you (just a KID for God’s sake) were the only one functioning as an adult in the house. I am so sorry for all you’ve gone through.
I’ll bet you’re a great parent.” wordsmythy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You were a teenager! You had to protect yourself! I am so sorry you had to go through that!
You had to endure that mistreatment for years! By the time you left, your siblings had been protected by you basically your whole life.
I am sure it was miserable for them too, but they didn’t have to endure it for the many years you did.
I bet your sister also got out as soon as she could.
Instead of dwelling on the past, congratulate yourself that you have built a wonderful life, forgive yourself for leaving the younger siblings, reward yourself by giving your children an amazing childhood with a caring and present parent.” pfashby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there was literally nothing you could do to help them. If your father couldn’t get them out there was nothing you could do to get them out. The truth is though and I am sorry for saying this OP they’re not mad you couldn’t save them, they’re mad you didn’t continue to endure mistreatment so they would get less of it.
Which is by far the trashiest thing in the world but the truth. In their eyes, if you’d stayed you’d have been mistreated and they could’ve been happy. That was never your responsibility they’re just jealous you got out and mad you couldn’t be the permanent punching bag for the family forever.
What happened wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t because you left – it was because your mom was so toxic she couldn’t not be abusive to at least SOMEONE. She was the problem, not you saving yourself.” Blondebabe2002
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Sloppy Friends Move In With Me?
“I’m 20f. I had a rather difficult upbringing, single mother, absent father, lived below the poverty line most of my life type crap. When my uncle on my dad’s side found out about my existence last year, he purchased a house for me in the city I live in to essentially make up for my dad being a piece of trash.
I also live in Ireland, where there’s a major housing crisis going on
It’s a 3 bed 2 bath, but I turned the living room into my bedroom because I’m lazy and don’t want to go up and down stairs all the time, so technically 4.
I’m really proud of how I’ve decorated it, kept it clean, and managed all of the bills myself for the last year. I’m also grateful that I won’t have to struggle to find affordable rent like a lot of my friends do.
The issue I’m having is that 4 of my friends, two couples, are being evicted from their houses before the year is out and are struggling to find places to rent. I love these 4 people more than anything, but they’re sloppy and have a tendency to host after-parties and stuff.
Their current house has bottles and cans everywhere, dishes are never cleaned, and they somehow have a slug problem.
I let a 5th friend, who was having some serious financial trouble move in with me because she needed the help and she’s cleaner and calmer.
The 4 friends being evicted caught wind of this and knowing I do technically have two free bedrooms, asked if could they move in as well when their lease is up.
I said no because I do not want 6 people living in my house, especially people who are not properly house-trained and will absolutely disrupt my current lifestyle.
I don’t want to have my space invaded so much because honestly, it’s mine and I want to keep it mine. I told them I won’t let them move in with me unless they actually end up sleeping on the streets and even then I’d have my reservations.
The 4 friends think I’m being a jerk, but I don’t think I am, because it’s my house and I decide who gets to live here. They’re all not talking to me and I’m not too sure what to do with the situation now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are far too many stories about people letting their friends and family move in ‘temporarily’ or as renters and it goes to crap. It’s your house and you don’t have to let anyone live there unless you want to.
It sucks they’re in that situation, but it’s not your responsibility. The fact that they seem to feel entitled to move in proves that you’re making the right choice not letting them. That being said, you’re likely going to lose these friendships, but that’s because of their entitlement, not your fault.
Stand your ground. You don’t want to be the next person evicting them after they’ve made a huge mess of your house, not contributed anything financially, and made no real plans to move out.” Papyrus72846
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I once told a friend: I love you with all my heart.
I cherish our friendship and you know that. And bc I want it to stay like this, we can’t live together. You are messy and it will take me about 2 months till I will start hating you for being messy in my space (and maybe it would take you even less time to be fed up with me) and a years’ lasting friendship will end for both of us.
I like you way too much to risk this.
She just laughed, hugged me and we are still friends – though never lived together.” Every_Caterpillar945
Another User Comments:
“No no no no no do not let them move in!
Do not let them even stay the night. I don’t know about the specific legal tenancy rights in Ireland but it sounds like you wouldn’t get them out without a court order if things – and they will – go badly.
NTJ. These ‘friends’ don’t understand that this is your home and you value a certain type of living situation. A real friend wouldn’t be bullying you into something you don’t want to do. It’s fine that they asked, but you said no. Now they’re being insulting and trying to bully you because you didn’t give the answer they wanted. No is a full sentence.
You don’t have to give a reason.” ThoseTwo203
13. AITJ For Not Letting People Use My Property As A Shortcut?
“I bought a piece of land and had a house built on it recently. There was a gravel road (now paved) that has become my driveway. I guess before I lived there the locals used it to get around faster.
I’ve been told that if they can’t use my driveway it makes the travel 15 minutes longer. This started when I moved in. The stuff like the yard and surrounding area was not finished but it was complete enough to move in.
My driveway is long and can be exited or entered from two sides. With how the house is built for them to use my driveway as a shortcut a lot of traffic would pass right by my house and cars every day.
This isn’t just people driving. People on bikes and walkers want to use it too. I simply do not want the whole town driving through my driveway every day.
I realized it was a problem when I moved in and could constantly hear cars driving through all hours of the night.
Or voices of people talking and people walking right past the cars. I understood that this property was vacant for a while so I put up signs saying that this is private property. You can clearly see a house there and I am sure they saw it being built.
No change. So I put up gates that only me and my wife have access to. It doesn’t deter the walkers but I have plans for that.
This caused a big fuss. I’ve had numerous people knock on my door asking why I put a gate up.
Saying they will be late to work or school. I had a guy say I made him late to an interview. I just tell everyone that this is private property and that this house didn’t just appear here. You saw it built.
You saw the signs if this were a route you used daily. Apparently, the police used this as a speed trap area and I’ve had police ask me to open the gates. I tell them no. My wife normally is the type to let people use the driveway but this wasn’t normal. Imagine the whole town using it like a shortcut.
There was so much traffic constantly.
The first complaint I got before the gates were up was when I parked my car on the driveway and not on the part in front of my house. Because it was ‘blocking the traffic.’ I responded ‘The traffic on my property?’ I’ve had cops tell me I am obstructing their work.
My direct neighbors understand but town people are just upset that their shortcut is gone. They are pretty upset about the house being here altogether. People would park their cars all over the driveway and my property during sports events (high school football is important around here).
I am not trying to be an evil neighbor. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“100% NTJ. You bought that land, you built that house, it’s your privacy and quality of life, and you do not owe anyone anything, not even an explanation.
If the whole town likes that shortcut so much, why didn’t the town buy the section of land to build a roadway? They didn’t, and they had the time since you said it was vacant for a while, so boo-hoo, and tough luck!
Fence off the walkable pedestrian area, add a locking pedestrian gate, and get some big and vocal dogs. People need to respect your property and privacy, period!” Murky-Gur8788
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s private land. Yes, it sucks for people to have to add 15 minutes to their commute, but that’s not your fault.
If someone gets hurt they could sue you for everything. I would have done the same thing. Add cameras if you can and put in a complaint to the city/police department/whoever about cops harassing you for your property.
If people can’t drive there anymore they do not need to speed trap it. Fence the area and put up a sign that offenders will be prosecuted.” Complete_Ability_530
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s a liability issue. You would be responsible for any accident on your property, and there’s no real mechanism to designate it as a public drive.
Make sure you have clear private property and no trespassing signs to alleviate that risk. Make it clear to police that you are not allowing private traffic because you do not wish to be liable for any incidents they may cause.
You have received complaints about parking in your own driveway, and that is unacceptable
Depending on where you live, you may be unable to deter walkers, tho, so make sure you aren’t in a place like some areas of the UK that preserve public walking paths.” whichwitch9
12. AITJ For Telling My Sister There's A Difference Between Working From Home And Vacationing?
“My (30F) sister (32F) is heavily pregnant, due in 1-2 weeks with her 3rd child (M), and as such is attending regular doctor’s appointments 1-2 times a week. I am part of her birth plan and will be taking 1-2 vacation days and watching her kids while she and her husband are in the hospital when she gives birth.
She chose me because she knows our parents, her husband’s parents, and our older brother won’t respect her wishes about isolation and safety, and she also asked me to isolate ahead of time because I can work from home. I spoke with my boss and he agreed. All is okay so far.
Last week, with my boss’ permission, I started working from home prior to Thanksgiving. I didn’t take any vacation because I only get 3 weeks total for the year and needed to save for when she was in the hospital.
She had an appointment last Tuesday at her Gyno and needed someone to watch her older 2 kids.
Her husband makes good money as a truck engine mechanic and is working overtime currently to get money for the baby and account for lost income while my sister is on FMLA/Maternity leave (He’s in the shop away from customers and is doing 6 ft/masking at her request) so he couldn’t.
And she didn’t want my parents, his parents, or our older brother/sister-in-law watching them because they aren’t isolating.
So she asked me to watch them, thinking that I could just set them up while working, and I told her no.
I understand she is under a large number of hormones and stress right now, so her reaction was understandable. She panicked, said she was worried about my reliability when she has the baby, etc.
Being aware of her current mental stress, I kindly explained that there is a difference between working from home and vacation and that my boss often does impromptu Zoom calls.
I kindly explained that if it were just the 3-year-old I could probably set them up with a tablet/etc., but the one-year-old would have no idea that I am working and would need constant watching/attention as my house isn’t babyproof as I am child-free.
She eventually accepted it and decided to have our aunt who is retired watch them, as both she and her husband never leave the house.
She was still mad at me though and thinks I should have just watched the kids for a few hours while working from home.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is actually good that you set this boundary now. If you had done it this time then she would have expected you to do it whenever you worked from home and she needed a break or whatever.
Inevitably you would have had to take a vacation on short notice to babysit.
The other way you could have handled it would be to explain you are giving her X days of YOUR vacation toward her pregnancy, and ask if she wants you to deduct a half-day from the remaining total.” 1962Michael
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are doing her a wonderful favor by watching both her kids for a few days while she is in the hospital, and this is at the expense of your limited PTO. But this does not obligate you to also be an on-call babysitter so she can go to her OB appointment.
And – there is absolutely NO working from home with two children in that age range. You would have had to call in. She was not the jerk for asking you, but she has no right to be upset at you for saying no. She should hire a babysitter, or even bring her kids along (not ideal, but can be done – I have 2 children and have had to do it when babysitting fell through).” meandervida
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You already agreed to help them out with other stuff and what she doesn’t seem to get is that though you are at home, you are working. Looking after 2 very young kids would be hard enough on its own, never mind while also working.
If they had been older and it was more of a matter of being around rather than constantly watching them it would be a different story, but either way, you are under no obligation to look after their kids at that time, especially since you had work.” nicoleisawkward
11. AITJ For Being Annoyed That My Friend Won't Fix Her Place Up?
“I have lived with my (ex) friend for 5 years now. I was staying at the salvation army and she opened up her guest room to me for a few hundred a month. This was supposed to be a month or so long arrangement but life got hectic.
This house has two bathrooms. One is completely functional and modern. The other one is not functional and needs to be remodeled. I mean, the shower and toilet do not even work. The sink works but no one ever uses it.
My former friend, I will call her FF, owns the house. She has been saying for years she is trying to save the money to fix everything in that bathroom and it hasn’t gotten done yet. So last year I stopped paying rent except for when she hounds me about it and then I give her a little money to shut her up.
I am sick of living in this house where I can’t take a bath and have only a standup shower and do not have my own bathroom.
In the last 12 months, she has gotten 3 tattoos and she went on a cross-country road trip with her brother.
When I call her out on this stuff she just makes excuses like, ‘It’s gonna cost about 3 grand to do that bathroom. I am trying to save up the money but there are other bills and stuff that are just a higher priority.’ She has about $500 in the bathroom fund right now.
Yesterday she even had the audacity to blame me and say maybe if I paid rent she would have more funds for the bathroom remodel. She said I earn more than she does and it’s ridiculous that she was supporting me.
She also sent some sappy text about how this is really hurting her a lot because 20 years of friendship is basically ruined and all she did was try to help me. Whatever.
Well, I think it’s ridiculous that I can’t even take a bubble bath while paying to live here but she can get tats and go on cross-country trips.
Over the summer she told me she couldn’t afford to turn the AC on either unless I start contributing more. She said the AC raises the electric bill by $50 a month and she needs me to help if I want it on.
I am sick of being denied basic comforts while she can get tats and go on trips. Oh and as of today (Halloween), she is posting all over social media about going to work at some big tattoo convention in 2023 and possibly going to Germany with her SO who is from there.
Just wow.
So am I the jerk? If anyone is wondering I am 40 and she is 43. We live somewhere where the cost of living is pretty high if anyone is questioning why 2 grown women are living together.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your friend got you out of the Salvation Army and allowed you to stay past the agreed-upon time frame. She helped you in a time of need, and now that the tables have turned, do you think you’re justified to squat in her home rent-free over a (checks notes) bubble bath?!?
You’ve got a stand-up shower, and that covers any legal necessity. If it’s not enough for you, then pay your back rent and move out. Or, and this is a crazy thought, recognize that your former friend could’ve left you to fend for yourself at the Salvation Army (maybe she should have) but chose to help you put your life back together instead; maybe you could financially help her get you your bubble bath now that you earn more than she does.
Perhaps express your gratitude that she came to your rescue rather than leave you at a shelter (which ima guess didn’t have a claw foot tub, either). I know, I am some kinda lunatic; but I think that’s better than being some kinda jerk like you.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, big time. You were staying at the Salvation Army. Your very generous former friend gave you a bedroom in her house for a few hundred a month, supposedly for a month. You’ve been there for 5 frickin’ years now.
Are you grateful? Satisfied? Thankful that you had a friend who let you overstay by 4 years and 11 months without throwing you out? No, you’re complaining about not having a private bathroom for your bubble bath and you’ve been withholding ‘rent’ for a year.
It’s not rent. Rent would be at least 4X that. It’s a token amount and you’ve been taking full advantage of your former friend for half a decade. Do your former friend a favor—buy your own fancy house and you won’t have anything more to complain about.” Bulldog1836
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry not sorry, but as long as you have access to a functioning bathroom and can bathe, you shouldn’t complain and cry because you ‘can’t take a bubble bath’. And if running the AC is going to take an extra $50 a month, fork it over.
You aren’t paying to live there anyway.
You were living at the Salvation Army when she offered you her spare room for some rent. You even stated that you earn more than she does. Either start forking over some rent or get out on your own.
You do not pay rent unless she hounds you, so you should have a nice little nest egg you’re sitting on.
Oh, and she doesn’t have to answer to you for what she spends her own money on. That’s her house, not yours.
You are the one that’s mooching off of her, not the other way around. Grow up already. Forty years old and you’re acting like a petulant 15-year-old that just got told they can’t go to the next teeny bopper concert of their favorite boy band.” reallynah75
10. AITJ For Not Letting My SIL Join Our Family Dinner Because Of Her Dog?
“My SIL notoriously crosses boundaries when it comes to her dog. Last year on Thanksgiving (at my house) she brought her dog with her and proceeded to sit with the dog on her lap all through dinner; feeding the dog table scraps.
Which included her just taking chunks of the turkey and giving it directly to her dog or taking scoops of the potatoes and letting her dog eat it directly off the spoon. Whenever she would stop feeding the dog for point 2 seconds the dog was trying to take from other people’s plates.
I do not care how much you love dogs. This is absolutely repulsive and disgusting behavior.
After speaking to my husband about it, I made it clear she would not be welcome back in my home if she brought the dog with her.
My husband agreed to this and we both talked to his sister about her dog not being allowed back in our home because the dinner table behavior was rude and inappropriate and soured everyone’s appetite (she was letting the dog lick her fingers and then proceeded to grab more food by hand without washing them; which means she was touching food with dog slobber fingers and expecting people to eat it).
She said she understood but felt we were being a ‘bit ignorant’ and tried telling us that we had dog phobia but she would respect our wishes and not bring the animal to our house ‘despite the fact that I need her for emotional support’.
Fast forward to today. We had a family dinner planned for months and reminded his sister not to bring her dog at least twice. She showed up here 45 minutes ago and lo and behold she had the dog with her.
I told her she wasn’t welcome inside and she immediately started flipping out with the ‘You can’t be serious right now. I drove 3 hours to get here.’ I reminded her that we had told her several times the dog was not welcome and she went off again stating we couldn’t have expected her to leave ‘her baby’ at home 3 hours away.
I stood firm and just closed the door because I wasn’t about to argue or let her push my boundaries. MIL is mad however because she doesn’t get to see her daughter often and we should have just sucked it up this one time so she could see her kid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at ALL. Just for a second, let’s pretend that SIL had taken her dog and sat the dog in her lap at the dinner table, and the dog and been well trained and SIL had NOT touched all the food on the table with dog-slobbered hands… let’s pretend that SIL didn’t feed the dog on her lap.
Ok… maybe I could have been able to deal with that. But, COME ON! In what reality would anyone be ok with a guest reaching over and pulling a piece of turkey off the main serving tray with their bare hands that had already been slobbered on… repeatedly… and then doing this disgusting act over and over?
SIL is delusional!” rhendon46
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Being repulsed by her lack of hygiene and sanitation is a perfectly natural response to dog slobber contaminating the food and serving utensils. Compound that with her prioritizing spoiling her dog with someone else’s resources and fixating her attention on it rather than being a good guest to both the other guests and the host. I would have never invited her back at all, no caveat about the dog required.
If she needs an emotional support animal to be able to engage with her own family she should go no contact. Dog phobia? How far up her own wazoo did she have to dig to find that nonsense?” Professional_Ruin953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You told her NOT to bring her dog many times ahead of time. She still brought her dog anyway. She disregarded your husband’s and your message/warning. She was hoping that you would let her in after she drove 3 hours.
I wouldn’t let the dog sit on my lap and eat off of my plates or spoon or my hands. No way! I do have two granddogs. I wouldn’t let them have table scraps which are NOT healthy for the dogs.
She is slowly killing her dog with that table scraps if she feeds that often.” MischievousBish
9. AITJ For Being Frustrated About The Progress Of Our House Renovation?
“My wife (30 f) and I (35 m) bought our house 5 years ago and it needs work, but time and money are always a constraint. Right now, my wife is not working while she goes back to school and I am working the second shift as the sole earner.
Since my wife is home more than me, she has been handling most of the work that’s been done around the house, including dealing with contractors. She comes from a family of DIYers who tend to shoot from the hip with projects, while I prefer to have a plan in place before we do any work.
And the most recent projects that she has spearheaded have been, in my opinion, subpar.
Some examples: our privacy fence gate doesn’t close right and she hasn’t gotten the contractor to come to fix it for months. The internet line wasn’t buried deeply enough by the contractors, and I think she should have sent them away when they didn’t have the right equipment.
She decided, without my input, to use a cleanser on our house before restaining it and the cleanser left streaks in the wood that cannot be covered by the stain. We have a wooden sculpture in our yard that she did NOT clean and it is dark and dirty and looks like crap.
She doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
Most recently we had gutter work done, and I wanted a gutter put on the back of our new shed. She forgot to tell the contractor where I wanted the downspout and he put it in the opposite corner so now the water is just going to collect behind the shed, which is exactly what I wanted to avoid.
She called me at work to give me this news and I spent the rest of the day frustrated.
When I got home, I asked what we were going to do about this and she said something about fixing it ourselves.
I told her that it would never be right if we fixed it ourselves, that I already paid for the work to be done right the first time and we’re just throwing away money and time with needing to redo all these projects that she has been doing lousily.
I asked if she even cared about the quality of work that is being done on the house and said that maybe she shouldn’t be involved with any more projects on the house unless communication improves. She just sat in silence and slept on the couch without speaking to me.
This morning, I asked if she was going to talk to me and she said ‘I do not know’. I was exasperated and asked if she could just tell me what is wrong and she replied ‘I am scared of you’.
She told me she wished I had approached the issue by looking for a solution and I told her that she just doesn’t want to be accountable for her actions. She said she just wants us ‘to be partners’.
I could be the jerk for how I went about telling her about my feelings, but I feel like there’s no way for me to give her negative feedback without her freaking out.
Am I the jerk for telling my wife that she needs to be accountable for her actions?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
OP, you want to call all the shots while having her do all the work. In your mind, it’s her job to (silently and smoothly) assure that everything ends up as you wanted it.
It’s as if you were the boss and she was your assistant, whose job it is to carry out your wishes. If she fails at getting your way for you, you feel entitled to accuse her of being lousy and throwing away money and all kinds of other things, blaming and shaming her out of frustration that she didn’t fulfill your wishes correctly.
She isn’t the one with the communication problem. She would like to have a civil discussion and approach problems as partners, while you’d rather accuse that ‘she just doesn’t want to be accountable for her actions.’ That being the case, ‘unless communication improves’ is entirely on you.
I absolutely do believe that she is scared of you. You drip with superiority. You think you’re better than your wife, entitled to tell her what to do and to judge how well she carries the instructions out, and that’s a huge red flag.
I hope you two do not have kids.” ChangeTheFocus
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Based on your own words, you responded in an accusatory tone (‘I told her that she just doesn’t want to be accountable for her actions’) right after she admitted she was scared of you!
I highly doubt this is her ‘feigning fear,’ as a different user speculated. After being barraged the night before, your wife gave CONSTRUCTIVE criticism on how she would prefer to discuss sensitive topics in the future — in a more partner-focused, kind, and solution-based way.
You broached this entire subject with ‘frustration’ and accused her of carelessness and ‘throwing away money’ seemingly without bringing up a communication issue or less-drastic solutions at all. Instead, you jumped straight to suggesting that she should be removed from all projects.
With this kind of angry and accusatory reaction, it’s not at all crazy to think that she would be silent and afraid of you. Seems like it was just a way for you to blow off steam and shame her.
Her request for you to communicate in a kind and CONSTRUCTIVE way is not ridiculous in the slightest, just as much as it’s not ridiculous to want things in your house to be done well or for her to communicate better.
But words DO matter and how you wield them has consequences.
Just remember what your true priority is here… Is it the project, or is it having a loving partnership with your wife? After you decide on these priorities, THEN you can work together on how to deal with the house projects.
Or not work together at all.” willoxash
Another User Comments:
“I am thinking that you may be the jerk in this one. You bought a fixer-upper so you knew that there would be a lot of work to do. Partner is ‘not working’ but managing the repairs on the house (which sounds like work to me.
She was basically working as the main contact with the contractors doing the work). So daily, she was dealing with multiple decisions regarding the house AND going to school (also very stressful and time-consuming). Perhaps she is in over her head with it all.
But your post doesn’t sound like you would be very approachable when something goes wrong.
If she is dealing with multiple stressors and you’re losing your mind if something goes wrong, I could see where she would be afraid to talk to you about it.
Let’s do the math. 2 stressors for you (known work stressors and house renovation which you are not directly dealing with) and at least 5 stressors for her (school, dealing with the renovations and each individual contractor, dealing with you trying to ‘hold her accountable’ when something goes wrong, you not giving her proper respect for what she is doing as far as trying to manage the renovations (like it’s not a big job in itself), and it sounds like you being a jerk if there’s a problem).
I’d say the woman has plenty on her plate right now.
When is the last time you took her out of all that stress, made her feel important and just spent quality time with her? Maybe you should worry more about making repairs to your relationship than the house.
House renovation is always a stressful situation. It would suck to have the house of your dreams and nobody to share it with. You need to pay attention to what she is saying to you.” Fragrant-Art-4753
8. AITJ For Telling My Fiancé To Stop Looking For A Job That Pays More Than Mine?
“My fiancé (26M) and I (27) work in the same industry, but in different niches. I met my fiancé while we were both working for the same company. He was full-time, and I was a contractor.
My pay was lower than the full-timers, so I was looking for a new job throughout & quit after I was offered a better-paid one.
When I left, I encouraged my fiance to find a new job too. He did and found one that paid the same as mine ($30/hr).
That new role didn’t work out, (the company expected a lot more than the job description said & didn’t pay enough for what was being asked + constant stress, and last minute OT.
They thought I wasn’t working hard enough), I was fired but found another role that also didn’t work out.
After, I was unemployed for a few mos. I had savings and got unemployment, so was not relying on my fiance financially, but $ was still tight.
He paid for a lot of groceries and covered the cost if we went out.
Meanwhile, my fiancé’s new job had been going great, but in my opinion, they ask & expect too much from him for his current pay, so I’ve been encouraging him to find something better (he’s more shy abt change & hates job hunting).
4 months ago, after 2.5 mos unemployed, I got a new job that paid SIGNIFICANTLY better than any of my prior ones, and my fiance’s (115k). I love the job, it’s been going great. Since, I’ve been paying my share, & treating us more often when we go out.
A month after I started my job, my fiance’s company closed.
Since then, he’s been hunting/interviewing, and has been offered THREE new jobs, but turned ALL of them down. Why? Because they do not pay as well as mine.
He’s also self-sabotaged a few of his interviews by asking for hourly pay that would be equal to mine (though his niche/role type in our industry isn’t paid as high), so some jobs he’s been qualified for/had good interviews for didn’t go any further because he was asking too much.
Last week he was offered a THIRD job (85k, A LOT for the role type), I was strongly encouraging him to take it, and he got frustrated, saying it wasn’t fair for me to be pushing him to take a lower-paying job than mine & implying that I wanted to feel superior.
I said I didn’t care about that, and that he should just accept it since it’s more than he was making before, and REALLY good pay for his particular role type. He got upset, saying that he deserved to be making just as much and that it wasn’t fair for me to insist he settles for less.
AITJ for encouraging him to take it? He’s not in bad financial distress at this point BUT he’s anxious about unemployment and dipping into savings, & I do not want to end up having to bear the financial burden later on, AND he’s unlikely to find a role similar to his old one that pays what mine in a COMPLETELY different area of the industry is.
I do not see why he couldn’t just accept a job and then keep low-key hunting for something better?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Taking a job does not mean you are stuck for life – he is stressed out with his financials and unemployment, and depending on the job, he may be losing skills related to that field the longer he sits unemployed. A job pay that is lower with higher personal/outside life satisfaction is pay in itself.
A higher-paying job will demand more, maybe taking a greater toll on mental health and the work-life balance… that should be a factor in any employment opportunity if it is important to you.
Taking the job will continue his resume and networking, and there may be other opportunities within that job/company/field later through the connections made in this role.
His mindset about the power imbalance is concerning and needs to be addressed. Does he feel less in the relationship if you bring home more – what was his attitude when you were earning less, was he holding that over you, did he treat you differently… or is it his own insecurity.
What happens if he gets sick and you need to look after him, or he is unable to continue in this field at all? There is a much larger conversation that needs to happen regarding the dynamic in your relationship, his insecurity, and what your future will look like in general.” Jaylloyd24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should take the job and look for another one if money bothers him, but 85k income is infinitely more than 0k income. That is the stone-hard math here. Also, it feels like he is far from reality.
You 2 should talk about what is his problem exactly. Because it seems like he feels inferior if he gets less salary and that alone is a bad sign for me however he has to come clean about his exact problem.” LadyNavia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your fiance is quite frankly being dumb. He’s letting his ego get in the way of actually providing any value to your collective living situation.
I’d keep track of this because if he’s going to get all insecure and pouty every time you’re making more than him he might not be a good fit.
This is not a characteristic of a good man or partner.” dennarai17
7. AITJ For Wanting To Play Dungeons And Dragons Every Once In A While?
“I (34 f) love Dungeons and Dragons. But I haven’t played in 4 years, due to a rough pregnancy and then the global crisis. I miss it a lot, and my son recently turned 3, so I talked to my husband about starting to play D&D again.
He agreed because he also missed it, and we got a group together to start playing again. I invited my sister (f 29) to join us since she loves stranger things and was a theater kid. We decided to play on the first Saturday of every month.
Our first session was in October, and it went well, I missed playing and it was so much fun. But our session was only 2 1/2 hours.
About 2 hours into the session, my sister started sending me texts asking when we would be done and calling me selfish for leaving my son with my mom for so long.
I got sick of that after 20 minutes so asked my husband (the dungeon master) to wrap it up even though we just started a dungeon. My husband was upset because he likes long sessions and before we had a kid we used to play for 6 or 7 hours.
We have our second session coming up this weekend, and my husband has established he wants to play for at least 4 hours, preferably 5. I have made it clear to my sister that the sessions will last a while, and if she doesn’t want to dedicate the time she doesn’t have to play.
She said she still wants to, but called me rude for expecting someone to watch my son for 5 hours. I agree with that, so I arranged for a paid sitter to watch my son for 3 hours, then to bring him to my mom who will watch him for an hour and a half to 2 hours.
But now my sister has been texting me and telling me that I am a bad mom for wanting to be away for my son for 5 hours and that I am selfish for wanting to play D&D instead of spending time with him.
I am a stay-at-home mom, I spend all my time with my son, does it really make me a jerk to want 5 hours a month to return to a beloved hobby?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister doesn’t seem like a very nice person.
If your mom has an issue with the amount of babysitting she was doing for you, she can talk to you about it herself, unless there’s some reason she needs a spokeswoman/advocate.
You’re not being a bad parent by doing something that brings you joy while your baby is perfectly happy and safe.
5-7 hours might be a bit long for role-playing sessions at this time in your life, but that’s up to you and your husband to figure out, not your sister.” redbirdjazzz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
In my opinion, you are definitely NTJ.
I am guessing that your sister has no kids? If she did she’d understand that parents need breaks too. I won’t lie I have left my kids with family for a day to be able to get away and go on a date or something.
In my opinion, the only way you’d be the jerk was if you hadn’t made it clear with your mother how long it would be and were imposing on her when she didn’t want to be. But if she is happy to watch the grandbabies then let her.
Take time for yourself we all need it and get precious little of that to begin with.” Worldly_Raccoon_7113
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are still an individual, a person, a woman – your life did not pause the moment you had a baby.
Taking some time for yourself is not only fair but important. And why does your sister get to dictate how long it is fair for your mother to babysit? Honestly, I do not think she cares about your mother, she just wants an excuse to cut the session short.
Idea: include your sister, but perhaps her character has some uncontrollable curse that teleports her randomly away from the group. This can mean that she is involved, but once she was bored her character has another ‘episode’ of this curse and she disappears.
This can get her out of the game so she’s not complaining, and depending on her role within the group can cause some interesting problems for the story to overcome. As long as someone else in the group carries an amulet which acts as an anchor, so when she teleports back she comes back to the amulet, and back to the group.” Iamhuntingwerewolves
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Do Chores As A Guest?
“One of the reasons I do not like seeing my partner’s parents is because we’re expected to work when we get there. He gets pulled into a biggish task, and I am expected to do my share by setting, serving, clearing away food and dishes, washing all the dishes, etc. I was scrubbing dishes the first day I met them.
They actually bought dish gloves just for me after I once commented that I normally wear them. No one else wears them, they are designated for me. The younger brother who lives there doesn’t help. My partner helps but mostly gets called away.
Did I mention they do not have many friends and their other kids do not really talk to them? My partner has taken it upon himself to compensate for that…
For the record, I always bring a gift for them, and I know I should help out, but I resent that he’s guilted to come over and we have to do that amount of chores when we work hard all week.
My partner doesn’t like seeing them either and tried to talk to them about allowing us to just visit sometimes. They were offended: ‘You can’t help family?’; ‘We didn’t know you’re royalty!’; ‘Do not worry, my computer will just stay broken.
It’s not like I have to work!’ (It wasn’t broken, he just refuses to learn how to do the most basic troubleshooting).
The first time we saw them since she told me to just leave the dishes in the sink (progress!) instead of giving me instructions on how to wash particular dishes as I clear the plates.
The second time though, it started up again, with bonus not-so-passive aggression aimed at me. ‘I know you do not like chores, but could you possibly put this dish out?’; ‘(feign innocence) Is it not common where you’re from to do chores?’ The dad started talking about his younger years, then the mom said, ‘You know, that was a time when we were taught to appreciate our elders and to roll up our sleeves and work, not like this generation!’
I promise it’s like I mentally blacked out and I disassociated, but I just uttered, ‘Was your generation ever taught that good hosts do not put their guests to work?’
I’ll spare you, but let’s just say it didn’t go over well.
I didn’t apologize though.
My partner is always on my side, he said he’ll talk to his mom, but also asked if I would be willing to apologize.
Was that too far? WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In any kind of social situation, it’s never ok for just one side to keep making trashy comments.
They set up the rules, you played their game. If they are willing to talk trash, they should be willing to get it back. That is one lesson that every generation has learned: If you give it, you have to take it.
I think one of the extra problems here is that they do not see you as guests, they see you as children too. They are going to have to figure out a way to see you as adults who have their own lives.” Perrin_Adderson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, actually you shouldn’t be helping them. You are a guest, you are being invited over, and being treated like Cinderella.
Like the whole dynamic is that because you’re a woman who is sleeping with their son you are now a maid and you are lower in rank?
There shouldn’t be ranks.
But I think what we actually need to look at is that despite you saying you didn’t want to go, your partner has pressured you to go. He knows his parents treat you badly, and is now asking you to apologize.
He isn’t actually on your side.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That whole respect your elders crap always gets me because it’s invariably used for manipulation and implies that you owe them something. You do not. You’re not a member of their family (yet), so you do not need to contribute to the maintenance of their household.
Even if you were their child, you do not live with them, so you’re a guest and should be treated like one. Helping out in another’s home should always be optional.
Your partner probably needs to go to therapy.
Somehow they’ve convinced him that it’s on him to compensate for them driving away their other children and, again, it’s not. His guilt is inappropriate and it’s likely he didn’t come to that conclusion on his own.
You may want to apologize if you intend on having a committed, long-term relationship with your partner, but you both need to set boundaries with these people. And if they continue to push regardless, good riddance to them both.” nololthx
5. AITJ For Calling My Mother-In-Law A Horrible Mother In Front Of Her Relatives?
“My (32f) husband (32m) and I have two kids, a boy 9, and a girl 6.
Ever since I became a mom, my MIL has always bashed me that I will be a terrible mom because I am too young to raise children (I was 23 when I gave birth to my boy) and how I’ll mess this up.
Overall she has always been competitive with me because she believes I stole her son from her and that her son has no time for his mom and his ‘real family’ anymore and only has eyes for me. We’ve been low contact for all these years.
My husband grew up terribly with her because everything he did, she’d judge him and shame him for, even the most harmless everyday stuff. Whenever my husband did something she did not agree with she’d always pull the ‘how dare you do x thing before asking my permission, I am your mother, I raised you, and you owe it to me to do as I say’.
Even during his childhood, he was always reminded about how he was an unwanted kid and she laughed about giving him away and shamed him for existing. Even now that we’re in low contact with her, she was still trying to dig her claws in and bring him down any way that she can.
We try to be as distant from her as possible.
Last Saturday, a cousin of my husband was having an engagement party and we and our kids were invited. So was my MIL. So while we were there she was trying to chit-chat with us, at first she was nice considering we haven’t seen her in months in person but a while later she revealed her true authentic self once again when she wanted to judge my parenting style and call me a weak mother and that my kids won’t respect me unless they fear me.
I asked her why would she say that. She said she’d noticed me being all sweet and gentle talking to my kids, serving them their plates, etc, and called me my kids’ servant and said that I’ll be a doormat to them when it should be the other way around.
I told her ‘I am sorry but I am not taking advice from someone who was a horrible mother herself. Seeing how my husband suffered because of you, disgusts me to know now that I have kids of my own and I always think how could a mother be so cruel and heartless to her own kid, how dare you?
Keep your advice’. She then started making a scene in the middle of the engagement party in order to shame me for saying that to her. My husband and I tried to ignore her and be as calm and civilized as possible in order not to further contribute to her tantrum and further ruin the party.
But certain relatives said I should be ashamed for shaming MIL because she has made so many sacrifices for my husband and he’d not be here if not for her and I was also shamed for talking back at her when she just wanted to offer advice.
They blamed her tantrum and the party being ruined on me talking back at her instead of shutting my mouth.
We left shortly after and MIL called my husband to further cry and complain and he cussed her out for being a terrible person and hang up.
I do not know if I am the jerk in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while it is disrespectful and you definitely owe your hosts an apology, you are only human and that woman (MIL) should also keep her mouth shut.
Telling people that they are bad parents repeatedly is beyond rude. I am glad you know to be in very low contact/no contact and how to gray rock her. I’d bet MIL set you up just to get the family on her side.
Simply apologize to anyone who is upset (except her) and let them know that this has been an ongoing problem and you’d consider apologizing to her if she agreed to stop bashing your parenting skills. (Not that you owe her an apology, but that is a breadcrumb to put the ball in her court and take the weight off of you from bystanders).” Any_Coyote6662
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. MIL way more than you, but instead of taking the high ground, you chose someone else’s engagement party to say things that, as a sane and intelligent person, you knew would escalate a scene.
Nothing you said was out of line, and you were provoked. Everything your MIL said was way out of line. The only reason you’re a soft jerk is that, after nine years of needing to say those things to her, you chose someone else’s engagement party to say what needed saying.” Own-Cauliflower2386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – what good parent doesn’t make their 6 and 9-year-olds a plate at a family function? It’s one thing to encourage independence at home (allowing the child to serve themselves) where you can clean up any spills but at parties, unless the child is very clean and careful, you can expect spills and mishaps.
Also by you making their plates it keeps them out of the way of adults who do not notice a smaller person in front of them and ensures they do not only eat rolls and desserts. Family can bite the big one, she can dish it out but can’t take it if she was embarrassed, she should be and maybe next time she will keep her big mouth shut.” mede04
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. None of us care for our in-laws’ unsolicited parenting advice. Or unsolicited parenting advice in general. It’s never coming from the type of parent you look up to and I do not think that’s a coincidence.
But I understand this isn’t really about advice.
MIL seems pretty abusive to you and your husband and it’s good you’re low contact.
But was it smart to publicly call her a crappy mother? Probably not. No matter how true it is, it’s just not a good look for you to stoop down to her level and she has already manipulated her environment to enable her abuse, you do not really stand a chance of making any real impact.
She has been provoking you and this is exactly what she was hoping would happen. For you to finally crack and explode. Abusive people loooooove to play the victim and as you can see, she has done a splendid job of training some flying monkeys that will defend her.” King_Julien__
4. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Take Her Son's Phone Away?
“My husband (42m) and I (42f) hosted Thanksgiving this year. My brother (44m) and sister (47f) came with their families, as did our parents.
Including my kids, there are 8 grandchildren, including my brother’s son Caleb, who is 13, and my sister’s son Chaz, who is 10.
In our family, we do not dress up for Thanksgiving. Caleb dressed up like he normally does, wearing a Vineyard Vines shirt, shorts, and Nike.
He’s the type of athletic boy who wears shorts when it’s cold out, my brother and his wife have stopped fighting him about it, he’s a good and caring kid who gets good grades. Caleb was also wearing a bunch of those rubber/silicone bracelets, these ones were related to various sports teams. He wears them daily, as do a lot of kids who wear these rubber bracelets, I’ve seen it on a lot of kids.
Caleb is the sports fanatic and athlete of the family, he loves these bracelets. He was watching football for a bit before deciding to play with Nick (3m). Nick is the son of the oldest grandchild in the family, Madison (16f), who got pregnant at 13.
The dad, Connor (16m), is still around and going out with Madison. He loves Nick and is a great guy, but was at Thanksgiving with his family and Nick stayed with us. Connor is an athlete, and Nick seems to be like Dad in that regard, he is currently in the same soccer program Caleb was in at that age (Caleb asked to do soccer that young), Nick is a rambunctious kid.
Madison is my sister’s daughter.
While Caleb and Nick were playing outside together, Chaz came out into the backyard. Caleb and Nick were kicking a soccer ball, with Caleb trying to teach him some skills. While no one was outside with them, we could see them through the glass doors and all the adults were in the kitchen/dining room and could see what was happening outside.
Chaz was taking photos of what was happening, eventually, the kids were called in to eat and it became too dark out for the kids to play inside, so Caleb and Nick went into the toy room to watch a documentary about one of Caleb’s favorite baseball players.
Chaz went into the room while they were watching and asked to play Minecraft with him and Nick. As they were playing Minecraft, Chaz made multiple comments calling Caleb’s outfit ‘gay’ for wearing bracelets and made fun of what he was building in Minecraft. Caleb came out to tell us what was happening.
He had mentioned that Chaz was taking photos of them earlier. At that point, I ask to see Chaz’s phone, but he refused until I offered him candy. He was calling Caleb ‘gay’, ‘stupid’ and other things to his friends in a group text.
Chaz is a mean kid and has a history of bullying kids in school… I told my sister to take his phone away for the rest of the night, she said it would only make Chaz worse. I said if she didn’t, I’d ask her to leave.
She reluctantly did and he was a jerk for the rest of the night. She blames me, I said she needs to teach Chaz manners. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This crossed a line when Chaz made it about s*******y.
For him to be humiliating his cousin to his friends like that at such a young age is seriously concerning, and I am glad you felt something was off enough to check out where the photos were going.
This isn’t about you ‘parenting someone else’s kid’, this is your nephew.
A member of your family, in your home. You had every right. On top of that, you were doing it to get to the bottom of his bullying your child. You were acting to protect your child.
You didn’t attack Chaz or call him names or force him to do hard labor or something.
I think others are simultaneously underreacting to what really matters, and overreacting to what is classically seen as overstepping. (Which, in America, is often just ‘I know I do not parent my kid but that doesn’t mean YOU can’)
I am relieved you’re stepping up for your nephew.
It’s so damaging when your first bullies are your own family.
Good luck. What a mess.” pinkhazy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as far as I see it you weren’t parenting those kids you were laying down rules in your house.
Chaz is a jerk and he’s being taught that being a jerk gets you what you want by his mom, and he’s doing it in front of a 3-year-old. Tell your sister exactly what happened and why you set those rules, and tell her if she wants to encourage that behavior by all means do it in HER home never in yours.” Psychological_Way500
Another User Comments:
“As much as it pains me to do this, everyone sucks here. You are the least by far.
Chaz: Homophobic and sees no issue, makes fun of his cousin for dressing a certain way, and talks with his friends about his cousin behind his back.
Sister: The leading jerk. Her poor parenting is what has led to this moment in time. Not enough punishment or reinforcement to correct bad behavior on her part and let him misbehave. Something has told her to let this slide and that’s not okay.
You: Not your place to look through the kid’s phone or assign a punishment, that’s on his parents to decide unfortunately and you overstepped looking into his group text.
Honestly, doesn’t sound like a very fun Thanksgiving. I am not gonna call Chaz a full-blown jerk because he’s 10 and probably thinks he’s a cool macho man for calling someone gay, and his parents have led him to this point.
But yeah.” Striking_Ad_6573
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Little Sister To A Taylor Swift Concert?
“So after Taylor Swift announced her new tour dates my 13-year-old sister is going crazy and wanted to see her and my mom even promised she’d try to get tickets for her since her date here is close to her birthday.
Well, my mom also then asked me since she tends to be very busy and usually takes my sister to stuff if I would take her instead and that I (18F) might like it.
Well I got pretty angry because I DO NOT like Taylor at all, I am really into hardcore punk and metalcore and emo (and real emo like Sunny Day Real Estate and American Football, not My Chemical Romance crap.) And so I was like ‘ARE YOU SERIOUS?’ to my mom and about how I didn’t like her and it should be obvious.
My mom said that she knew in the past I insisted that I would never ever go to a rap concert (I hate all rap too), but Taylor Swift isn’t rap and I like going to concerts… I told her that doesn’t matter because she still sucks.
The only bands I’ve seen have been in very small venues or even just basements full of people moshing and crowd surfing and going crazy, nothing like Taylor Swift! And my mom said even if I didn’t like it if she was busy then could I do her a favor and take my sister and I said absolutely not because I’d rather dip my hands in boiling water than go see Taylor Swift and that I’d be too embarrassed at any of the shows I do like to go to if anyone there knew that I actually went to a concert like that.
My mom said that I am being really petty and rude. I explained that not all girls my age like Taylor Swift and she was like the exact opposite of what I like so that’s like an insult and I do not want to torture myself at something like that.
Well now my mom seems actually kind of upset at me, but I do not see why she couldn’t just take my sister or have her go with a friend if her friend’s mom or sister are taking them, so am I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. We get it. You’re not like the other girls. slow clap
But more personally, I hope you find (learn?) better confidence in your interests as you age. That is to say, you become secure in what you like without needing to denigrate another person’s interests as a means of self-affirmation.
You’re young, but it’s never too early to be mindful that this behavior indirectly sends a message of what you think of someone else, even if that’s not the intent.” helpmeout213
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Is your sense of self so brittle that even stepping foot into a Taylor Swift concert is somehow threatening to you?
What do you think will happen? Seriously what’s the absolute WORST that could happen… you listen to some music that isn’t to your taste for a couple of hours. OMG, how dare your mom even suggest it.
So her music isn’t your jam, that’s fine.
You can’t do your little sis a solid? When you’re older you’ll realize how immature you’re acting and you’ll feel embarrassed.
Honestly, it is 1000% fine that you like what you like. But it sounds like you are trying to make what you like your identity.
It’s not an identity. It’s just the music you like. There are beautiful works of art in every genre – pop, rap, punk, country. Every single one. If you insist on crapping on genres that do not click with you then you’re not really into music, you’re into the scene around the music.” WTF_Happened_o__0
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This isn’t about you. At all. It’s about doing something nice for your sister. Your reaction is immature. People do things they do not enjoy for the people they love and care about all the time.
This would be one of those situations. You do not have to like Taylor Swift, but your little sister would never forget how amazing it would be to go see her with her big sister. She will also never forget finding out she didn’t get to go because her sister was too immature and selfish to go with her.” Raveanly
2. AITJ For Naming My Baby After My Grandma?
“I gave birth to my daughter 6 weeks ago. My husband and I named her after my grandmother. My husband had the name at the top of his list of girl names and I had always wanted to honor my grandma.
The conflict comes into play with my sister mostly, but also my parents. My sister and grandma did not have a good relationship. Grandma found my sister shallow and would be hard on her when my sister was acting up as a kid.
I wasn’t there but my parents and sister have told me how grandma had told my sister she had no positive future ahead of her if she didn’t get her head on straight and think about the way she was with others.
They often said she was like a bully to my sister. I do remember as a kid, my sister wasn’t the nicest and I sometimes wonder if grandma didn’t like that about her.
My sister felt and still feels like grandma never loved her and it has always bothered her.
Grandma was great for me though. When I was 10 she helped me through a really bad patch of my life and was my support when I was struggling with depression at 11/12. Without her, I never would have made it through that period of my life.
She was everything back then for me. She was what my parents could not be, what nobody else could be for me at the time. I think most assumed I was just a kid being a kid and needed to toughen up but she saw the truth and she saved me.
But none of that changes how my sister and parents feel and since the day we announced our daughter’s name, which was the day after she was born, I have been told I am thoughtless and cruel for doing that to my sister under the circumstances.
My sister told me I never should have named my daughter after Grandma.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it doesn’t sound like your grandmother was abusive toward your sister in any way. So it’s not like you’re naming your baby after someone who was vicious to a child.
You named your child after someone who took care of you and who you respected.
It sounds like you need to draw boundaries with your sister about how she needs to mind her manners, and the same goes for your parents.
Because given what you’re saying, it sounds like your parents were there for your sister, but not for you. So perhaps some of their anger is coming from the fact that your grandmother did not favor the child they favored.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“As long as you’re not swiping the name from someone who has already stated that’s what they’re naming their (non-hypothetical) unborn child, not naming them after your favorite fictional fantasy character name (Frodo, Padmé, Hermione, Kal-El), and not naming them something ridiculous, then you’re generally OK.
That being said, you named your kid after a very real and known source of trauma for your sister. Name your baby whatever, but do not act all ‘Suprised Pikachu’ when people are upset you named her after your sister’s bully.
Her trauma is just as valid as you wanting to honor your grandmother.
No jerks here.” DankyMcJangles
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ for naming your child after someone who meant something to you. But you are incredibly insensitive and callous in how you describe your sister.
You say that your grandma was said to be a ‘bully’ to your sister who was a child at the time, and then in the same breath wonder if your sister was not being the ‘nicest’ even though she was being bullied by your grandma?
I enjoy being treated nice, but I hate being favored at the expense of other people and my respect is always going to be capped for people who do not extend kindness and grace for people other than me. That is not kindness, that is shallowness.” novabuss
1. AITJ For Telling My Partner's Mom Her Customer Service Is Terrible?
“I (27 f) am engaged to my partner of 3 years Luke (30 m).
I haven’t met his mother until last week due to her living in a different city which is quite a drive away. I met his dad. All I knew about my FMIL was that she divorced Luke’s dad when Luke was 10, so he can raise him as she was too busy with work and that she has a small souvenir shop and a café in the same building.
Last week before we went to see my FMIL ‘Anna’ I decided to look around online stores to buy a gift for my parents. I found a lovely shop and a few statues I thought my mum would love and I could pick them up in the store.
So I went ahead and purchased them. A few hours later I received an email that the order has been canceled because the payment didn’t go through, so I tried again with different payment methods, but it kept canceling the order after payment.
I ended up calling the store trying to have this sorted or to ask for them to hold on to those statues till I could pick them up (they had to hold them for less than 48 hours), but Lady on the phone was rude and refused to cooperate.
After we arrived at Anna’s place, I was mentioning the store and my experience and Anna said she is the owner of the store. I started venting about my experience to find out that it was Anna I had spoken to on the phone who refused to help me.
Luke was shocked as he heard the entire conversation but it didn’t hit him it was his mother as she had her ‘customer service’ voice on and didn’t recognize the store as it was renamed a few times.
I have tried once again to ask her to help to resolve it, but Anna went on defense and said there’s nothing wrong with the website and if the payment didn’t go through it means something is wrong with my cards and she doesn’t want to get into trouble.
I got upset and told her that if that is her way of doing business she shouldn’t be in charge as she would lose all the customers with such an approach as her customer service is terrible. This caused an argument and Anna informed me I am no longer welcome to stay in her house and behaved like a jerk.
Due to this Luke and I had to check into our hotel a few hours earlier and he didn’t spend as much time with his mum as he wanted to.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Unsure why you felt the need to go full nuclear over the situation?
You had a rubbish experience, it’s unclear exactly who is at fault with regards to the payment problem, you could easily have gone to the store given she works there, and grabbed them in person, possibly even used it as a small bonding/getting to know each other activity.
Instead, you insulted her and caused a rift with her son over essentially nothing.
Incidentally, the fact she divorced your fiance’s dad and didn’t raise him clearly has nothing to do with this story and was just put in to try and frame her in a negative light.
If you are serious about marrying this guy, I would be apologizing for overreacting and building bridges rather than seeking validation on the internet for your behavior.” Elivercury
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. This is your first meeting with your FMIL and you persist in blaming her?
Yea, she was probably wrong but if you want to have a good relationship with this woman, maybe that should take a back burner.
Sometimes pushing your point to make sure everyone knows you are right is not really winning.
If you are serious about your fiance then you need to figure out how to get along with FMIL.
Sometimes conflicts like this are balanced, and if you are willing to walk a tightrope with your husband it can work.
If you do not want to do so, then maybe not.
Not knowing your FMIL, there is still the chance that you’ve offended her forever. Talk to your fiance.” Huge_Industry_1259
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If your cards are getting rejected it is YOUR responsibility to contact the card company and find out why.
It is not the responsibility of the company you are trying to purchase from to figure out your account issues. She was correct. You were wrong to think it was her problem to solve. You fail to realize that because your cards did not go through, it could have very well been due to your accounts, the possibility that the card company was flagging the purchase because it was out of your general location, or due to issues with the third party who processes the credit cards.
I do not know of any company that had a customer have repeated credit cards rejected through their website where they would hold items for sale for that person. The customer is not always right especially when the customer isn’t actually a customer because they cannot pay for the goods they are trying to buy.
Let me guess, if she held the items, when you got there you were going to try to pay with the same cards that weren’t working.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She shouldn’t have been rude and she apparently didn’t want the sale or maybe she didn’t have the inventory.
BUT you were rude going into her house and bringing up the store issue almost immediately. I feel like you’re lying here and you knew it was her store (you just happened to find her store, and neither you nor Luke knew it was her, her voice, her store) and that’s why you started off ranting as soon as you walked in.
I am not even sure you weren’t rude when you called.” WickedAngelLove
