People Are Up In Arms About Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Taking Back My Investment From My Parents' House Sale?
“My dad passed unexpectedly and my mom could not afford their house on her own, so I moved in and started paying the mortgage, which was about equal to my previous rent so it was a win/win.
Love my late papa but every single inch of that house was under construction.
The bathrooms had no walls, one of the windows was pulled out and boarded up, zero rooms had proper floors, the roof was leaking, one toilet was missing, the list goes on and on. He was very good at home projects but I’m sure he had ADHD because he was all over the place.
Mom didn’t want the house anymore for grief and mental health reasons so we got it appraised in its current condition and it was worth less than what they owed on it.
We made an agreement that I’d stay and work on it and pay the mortgage and she moved out of state.
Her exact words were “treat it like an investment”.
For several years, in my own grief, I threw myself into it. I fixed or hired someone to fix everything. Little stuff I can do myself like pipes and drywall but I had the roof and every single window/door replaced professionally, floors installed. I kept all my big ticket receipts.
The market boomed and we sold it for a profit. Mom left all the details to me and she signed electronically from a distance.
Making up some numbers for ease of the story, but let’s say I dropped $20k in and we walked away with $30k after the mortgage was paid.
I took my $20k back and gave the remaining $10k to mom.
She flipped out, saying I was robbing her. I rationally explained I just took back what I put in. I didn’t even take back the “rent” I paid towards the mortgage all those years, only the big ticket investment costs.
That doesn’t include micro-purchases like paint, drywall, pipes, toilet, that would really be another few grand. Not to mention my time and effort; and if I didn’t do all this, she’d have sold for a loss. She doesn’t want to hear any of this and says what about all the money she and Papa put into it over the years, where is that money back?
And that I’ve had a place to live for years.
I’m really defeated because she’s treating me like a criminal and I feel like I did everything extremely fairly. My extended family has been lecturing me. Legally yes I took her money because the house was in her name and we never agreed to anything on paper, but in a million years I never expected her to turn on me like this and a verbal handshake has been good as gold all my life with my parents.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: you put in sweat equity and probably undercharged her for it on top of that. Next time, get everything in writing, even with family—especially with family. She’s upset because she isn’t walking away with a bunch of money, but you put the work in and added value to the house that made it break even with the mortgage.
Definitely NTJ. I would give Mom space and not discuss this issue with anyone anymore, if family brings it up then leave the room, refuse to be emotionally blackmailed.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made significant financial and personal investments to improve the house, as you agreed with your mom.
You even only took back the exact amount you put into it, leaving her with a profit. Your actions were fair and reasonable, especially considering the house was in her name.” trans_vampire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So basically you took your parents’ house from being worth less than the mortgage, to actually covering the balance of the mortgage and all fees, etc associated with the sale, even coming out with some additional money and she calls you a thief.
Maybe you should remind her of the position she would be in if you hadn’t done the work and helped her. She would have had to sell the house at a loss and take out a loan to cover the remaining part of the mortgage.
Ask her which she would prefer?” Mishy162
20. AITJ For Asking My Niece To Speak English To Include My Dyslexic Wife?
“My wife (28F) Sarah and I (M30) have been married for five years. She’s incredible, loving, and my favorite person in the world.
Now, my entire family has a tradition of learning and speaking French. It’s always been a fun way for us to bond. However, for Sarah, it’s been a bit of a challenge.
Sarah has tried for years to pick up the language, but due to her dyslexia, she’s found it extremely difficult.
It’s been a great source of frustration and insecurity for her, especially when we’re around my family who like to speak French with each other.
My niece (17F), Eva, is staying with us for a while. She speaks English and French too, and understandably speaks a lot of French around the house.
While I understand it’s just a normal thing for her, it’s been a bit upsetting for Sarah. She feels excluded from our conversations and she’s started trying to brush up on it but it’s just stressing her out and hitting a nerve.
Given the situation, I approached Eva and asked if she could try to speak more English around my wife.
I explained that it wasn’t about controlling her choices but about helping Sarah feel more comfortable and included in conversations.
Unfortunately, Eva didn’t take it well. She accused me of prioritizing Sarah’s difficulties over her comfort and claimed that I was asking her to suppress her identity.
I’m not sure if I handled it the right way. AITJ for asking Eva to stop speaking French around Sarah?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your niece is being deliberately inconsiderate by excluding your wife in a language your wife struggles with. You should have a conversation with your niece about being welcome in your home and you would hate to see that welcome compromised by her insistence on making your wife uncomfortable.
Remind her she is a guest of you and your wife and a guest is only welcome till they make a problem for the hosts. She needs to understand that being a guest means making sure that her presence isn’t a burden on her hosts and you wouldn’t like to see her needing to find a different accommodation.
Tell her you will always prioritize your wife and her comfort will never come first. Speaking French isn’t necessary to her comfort as she can converse in English easily but your wife can’t easily converse in French.” squirrelsareevil2479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there are some things you could do to mitigate your niece’s lack of consideration.
A gentle sit-down chat might be good (if her ears are real not plastic). To check she really does understand that this is not about her but about your wife’s right not to constantly feel excluded in her own home, especially due to something she can’t control which she’s likely been made to feel stink about before.
As someone else suggested, you could simply stop speaking French back to her when she does this in front of your wife. If you want to take it a step further and not just ban French in your home (also a perfectly reasonable option), when your niece speaks French in front of your wife, first translate what she said for your wife, then reply in English.
Every single time. She’ll probably cotton on, and even if not, at least your lovely wife will know you have her back. Good luck!” this_wug_life
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You all speak English, so you should speak this language since everyone understands it.
Your wife shouldn’t feel left out of conversations and it’s a sign of politeness to speak the language she understands. Your wife shouldn’t be constantly wondering what you’re saying in French. On the other hand, your niece has the right to speak in French if she’s on the phone, since she’s not speaking to you.” Asciutta
19. AITJ For Not Accepting The Term 'Bonus Mom' For My Stepmom?
“My mom passed away when I was 5 and my dad remarried when I was 8 and I met my stepmom when I was 7.
She loves me. I love her. But we don’t see our relationship the same way. She sees me as her son but knows I don’t like calling her my mom so she’ll say I’m her bonus son and she calls herself my bonus mom. The term never worked for me because I don’t think of her as one of my moms. I think of her as my stepmom and to me, our relationship isn’t the same as the one I would have with my mom.
I don’t really want that with her. I try not to get too annoyed by the whole bonus son/mom thing because I don’t want to be a jerk to her. But I did express once or twice that I didn’t really see the term being fitting for us.
My stepmom’s sister is also a stepmom and she has a stepdaughter around my age (15M me and 16F her).
My stepmom’s step-niece dislikes her stepmom though unlike me. She really resents that she wants to be close to her and she’d rather have a distant relationship with my stepmom’s sister.
My stepmom’s sister also uses bonus mom/bonus daughter.
So last weekend we were at my stepmom’s parents’ house and my stepmom’s step-niece and I were hanging out and she was venting about her stepmom and saying how much she hates the term bonus mom.
She said it made her want to puke. I admitted I didn’t like it either and I didn’t think it fit my relationship with my stepmom either or how I saw her. She asked me why I don’t make a bigger fuss about it and I told her I’m trying not to hurt my stepmom’s feelings.
But that I hate how it sounds like I see her and accept her as a second mom basically when that’s not what I think of her at all.
My stepmom and her sister heard us talk and my stepmom was really upset about it.
She told me she knows she wasn’t there since day one for me, but she loved me and I lost my mom when I was so little that she feels like I should be more okay with having a second mom. She said she never wanted to replace my mom and has always tried to help keep my mom’s memory alive.
She told me that alone should make her second mom aka bonus mom material. She also told me she didn’t know how much therapy I would need to make me open to that and she wasn’t even sure if I wanted to be open to letting her into that mom role and she felt like I could be a lot kinder about all this when she has poured her heart and soul into raising and loving me.
My dad told me not using the bonus mom title was bad enough but to say it doesn’t fit for me is so cruel when my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OK, stepparents and unrequited crushes, listen up.
Someone who does not want the same sort of relationship with you that you want with them is not “being unkind.” You are not owed a motherly, fatherly, or romantic relationship with someone because you have been nice to someone, treated them well, or done things that you think of as “parental” or “romantic” for them (no, not even if you are their biological parent).
Love is a GIFT – and not one the giver can necessarily choose to give if they don’t feel it- not a duty or a trade good to be handed over in exchange for a certain amount of work or effort or good intention or niceness on your part.
It cannot be bought, it cannot be earned, it happens or it does not, and if it does not, it may hurt, but you have not been conned out of something you were entitled to. Right. Rant over.” Katja1236
Another User Comments:
“There is nothing worse than a step-parent trying to come into a blended family like this and forcing things on the kids because of what they personally want out of it instead of what is best for all involved. So many posts are on step-parents who are overbearing and/or overwhelming and doing stupid stuff.
So many potential good relationships get ruined because of parents trying to force their image onto the new blended family. Let that build naturally. It’s not easy for kids ever even in the best of situations. All forcing bonding is going to do is push people away which seems to always happen.
A lot of damage happens because of stuff like this.” TheDarkHelmet1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so why exactly was this woman who claims she wants to be a “bonus mom” eavesdropping into a conversation? “When my stepmom has done everything to be a good mother to me.” Except respect you.
Listen to you. Understand what you are telling her. Pushing boundaries you’ve set. Oh, yeah, she’s a real banger of a “bonus” mom. There’s nothing wrong with her just being a step-mom, I love my step-dad, and there’s nothing wrong with you both mutually loving each other in that regard and that’s what you actively want with her.
But something is wrong with this woman who has herself deluded into thinking she needs to be more than when being that was more than enough. That’ll never be on you to cater to.” Electronic_Goose3894
18. AITJ For Grounding My Daughter For Turning Our Vacation Into A Competition?
“My husband, daughter (15), stepkids (13, 16), and I just came back from a 2-week vacation.
My daughter is very smart and is very good at a lot of things. She’s also very competitive.
My husband is also very competitive.
My daughter started off this vacation by telling my husband there was sudoku on the plane and explaining how to play. He didn’t know that she’s been playing sudoku for months. She made a bet with him that if she finishes the hardest level first, he’d buy her wifi for the flight and if he finished first she’d share a bed with his younger daughter on the trip (his younger daughter was complaining about sharing with his oldest because she kicks and sleeps in the middle of the bed. She beat him and pestered him until he bought the wifi.
When we got there she’d challenge him to races on land and in the pool (she’s won medals at state track meets and has been swimming since she was 2). Every day she’d challenge him to something, win, and he’d have to buy her something from the resort or local shops.
My husband was getting sick of losing and my stepdaughters were upset that their dad was buying her stuff and not them so I told my daughter she either couldn’t compete with her stepdad or she had to let him win.
She decided to tell her stepdad that she wasn’t allowed to compete with him anymore because he couldn’t handle losing.
This made them start to argue so I told her that if she didn’t keep it up she’d be grounded to the resort for the rest of the trip (a little over a week at this point). She decided to test me so I stuck to my word and she was left at the resort while the rest of us went out every day.
The vacation was much more enjoyable without her turning everything into a competition but she told her dad when she got back that we grounded her and he’s mad at me now for leaving her there and excluding her from the vacation because my husband couldn’t act like an adult.
I told him my daughter was warned to stop but she decided to test me and now he’s forcing her to stick to the custody schedule (technically I have her every other weekend but he was letting her go back and forth whenever she wanted) and is threatening to go to court for child support and back pay.
AITJ for grounding her for ruining the vacation?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First off, on your husband being sick of losing. Come on, he is the adult, act like it. Secondly, on your stepdaughters. You could have handled this so much better. If this was unfair, why didn’t you suggest to your daughter that if she wins, your husband should get something for all the kids?
This just sounds like your husband is salty that he can’t beat a teenager.” PMMeYourCouplets
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Of course you are. The easiest fix was to tell your husband to stop competing with his stepdaughter. Issue resolved. But of course, you didn’t take that route, you decided to harshly punish your 15-year-old.
One crime should equal one day’s punishment not missing more than a week of vacation. That was very cruel. I think it is more likely you did that to “even things out” because your stepdaughters were upset your daughter had won special gifts in her competition.
Also what she did was not deserving of any punishment really. This doesn’t take into consideration your terrible comment that the vacation was more enjoyable to you after you grounded her for telling her stepfather why they couldn’t compete anymore. How could you in good conscience say your vacation was better knowing she was alone being excluded from events when again you could have easily solved the issue by telling your husband to stop competing?
She is better off away from you. You seem to really dislike her, or maybe you are threatened by your husband spending time with her, something is off with you. You treat her unfairly, punish her unjustly and too harshly. She needs a mother who loves her, uplifts her and advocates for her, not one who uses their position of authority to unjustly ostracize her from family time.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“Wow. YTJ. Why couldn’t your husband just say no?? Why does your 15 yo have to “let him win” because he’s not mature enough to use his big-boy words and say “I’ll pass”? When your husband and daughter started to argue, why was SHE in the wrong, not him?
Why are you infantilizing your husband but expecting your teenager to be an adult? How sad that you said you enjoyed your vacation more without your daughter…sounds like she’ll be better off with her dad.” Ok_hon
You are also a jerk for leaving your child at a resort, by herself. That is very neglectful. Anything could happened.
17. AITJ For Taking My Partner's Car On A Trip, Leaving My Friend Without A Vehicle?
“I (36F) live with my friend (33F) and my partner (48M) in IL USA.
My friend owns a ’70s Lincoln that is constantly in and out of the shop. I still own the car I bought back when I lived in the UK and imported here. It’s a 10s Jaguar and it does the job just fine.
My friend doesn’t drive it because she’s scared to drive an RHD vehicle claiming that it’s uncomfortable and the field of vision is off. My partner has a 90s Chevy that runs as well as a new one. My friend borrows it sometimes when her car is out of commission.
My partner has no issues with driving the XJ.
My mum was in NYC on a business trip. She lives in the UK and I rarely see her in person after I moved to the US. We decided to meet, but since her trip was only a week long, she couldn’t come all the way to Chicago and it was more convenient for me to just come to NYC.
Initially, I was planning to fly, but my partner, who also wanted to go to NYC, offered to organize a carpool and take the Suburban instead because it could fit more passengers than the XJ. We charged slightly less than Greyhound does and it turned out to be pretty lucrative.
Anyway, while we were away and my mum finally met my partner, my friend had a family emergency. Her mum lives in Missouri and she got very sick. My friend for some reason thought that her car which barely runs would take her all the way to KC.
Not even halfway to Springfield, it broke down completely. The guy at the shop said it’s basically a piece of scrap metal. My partner is a mechanic and he said it should’ve been scrapped like 10 years ago. Anyway, it needed some crazy pricy work.
Luckily her mum is okay now, but she had a health scare.
When I came back home she confronted me telling me that I was a jerk when I took the Suburban, leaving her without any adequate transportation. She could’ve driven the XJ if she wasn’t that skittish about it.
I told her that and she was still annoyed at me. She is also mad because, according to her, I chose a lucrative carpool gig over helping a friend in need. My partner said she’s in the wrong because driving an RHD car isn’t that hard and that she knew for sure her car would break apart.
I don’t blame her for not wanting to drive the Jaguar, but I think her demand was unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not responsible for providing transportation to your roommate. I’m sorry her mom had a health scare but that’s a her problem not a you problem.
You obviously planned your NYC trip well and even swung it so you could hustle a few bucks out of it. Good on you. Your friend should have been prioritizing automobile maintenance/replacement and this problem wouldn’t happen.” Thedudeabides470
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Her argument about you “taking the Suburban” or doing a carpool is utterly pointless and irrelevant because it’s not even your car, it’s your partner’s.
It’s up to him on any day of any week to drive his own darn car wherever and whenever he likes. He could drive it to NYC, Mexico, sell it… it’s HIS car. Nothing to do with your friend. She seems way over-entitled. I had a 1990s Jaguar XJ, and I live about 30 minutes from the factory.
Great car.” Own-Kangaroo6931
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get this friend out of your home, fyi. I just think they’re weird, not necessarily toxic, but way too interdependent than a normal friend. (Also, she lives with you… AND your partner?) They have ZERO rights, in any situation, to use your vehicles.
The adult thing to do in an emergency is rent a car or book your own flight. Sheesh. It’s possible this is stress talking – so I’ll give this some lenience – but she sounds like an entitled teenager. Why is she treating y’all like mom & dad, not simply another independent adult who has their own life?” Away_Refuse8493
16. AITJ For Being Upset My Partner Chose A Football Game Over My Birthday?
“My (20f) partner (21m) is a football addict, he loves watching the sport and always roots for our home team. Whenever they play in our city, he gets tickets to go to the stadium, I don’t really mind, he’s passionate about it and it doesn’t hurt anyone.
Now, my birthday is coming up and it just so happens that it falls on a day that our home team plays a game against one of our biggest rivals, mind you, it’s a normal game, not finals, not semifinals. My partner told me that he is skipping my birthday in order to go to the game.
Of course I blew up and we had a huge fight, he told me that I don’t care about his interests at all and that I’m selfish for not wanting him to go. I would have been somewhat alright with it if it were a finals game or something, but it just doesn’t sit right with me how he doesn’t want to celebrate my special day with me because he wants to go to that game, it makes me feel as if I’m in not important to him.
He could literally keep up with the game on his phone, but nooooo, he wants to go to the stadium.
We are not talking right now, but I can’t help but wonder AITJ? Maybe I should’ve just let it be and be fine with it, it IS the biggest rival, and we don’t know when the opportunity to watch them play will present itself again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ever watch Jimmy Fallon in Fever Pitch? He was a hardcore Red Sox fan and he wouldn’t miss a single game, sick or otherwise. It was one of the reasons his relationship ended. Then someone said to his character “You love the Red Sox, but have they ever loved you back?” Your partner’s team won’t miss him.
They don’t even know he exists. His presence in that stadium won’t make a difference to the team, just to him. He’s prioritizing fandom over your birthday. Like you said, it’s not a finals game or the Super Bowl. If he can’t miss one game for your birthday, what else will he be comfortable missing?
Guess you’re planning your potential future wedding around the game schedule? Maybe giving birth alone? ” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ yes, you should take joy in each other’s interests. However, that joy should not come at the expense of your own joy. Your birthday is important and if he knew that and scheduled his own thing anyway, it’s a bit of a jerk move.
Also, that is a pretty big manipulation tactic to turn it around and accuse you of not being supportive when he isn’t either. Are you two actually compatible? Does he want a partner only when convenient for him? A lot of young people get into this situation where they don’t really want a relationship and the compromises that come with relationships.
Think long and hard about it.” SpaceCrazyArtist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a football widow. The problem is what are your boundaries. If you have children and he misses the birth of your child or a big event in your life like a funeral…
I think you both need to agree on what is acceptable and what is not when it comes to missing an event for going to the football stadium. Compromises have to go both ways, and if he is not prepared to make any compromise then the decision is yours…” Whatever-and-breathe
15. AITJ For Being Upset That My Mom Wanted To Read My New Book First?
“One of my favorite authors just published a new book a couple of days ago and I (17F) bought a copy that arrived today. However, I have a lot of exams in the next few weeks so I told my mom that I’ll be reading it after I finish those exams while opening the delivery box.
My mom then immediately said “I’ll read it for you first” and I kinda not-knowing-what-to-do-ly said, “Sure!”
I was kind of upset about it because 1) I really like the author and now I’m probably gonna read it after my mom hands it to me and says “oh that was an interesting story” or something negative (which is more likely gonna be the case) and 2) I’ve only seen my mom read one book that wasn’t work-related my whole life so that was kinda weird.
I then remembered that when my grandma read some of my books a year ago she circled and underlined a lot so I asked my mom not to do that, which kind of irritated her.
I then saw her go talk to my dad in the kitchen and left the book there with the cat nearby so I picked up the book to move it to somewhere safe but then started reading it (wrong move).
My mom saw me reading it and told me to forget about it, she was too busy for my book anyway.
So, AITJ for emphasizing the “please don’t write stuff in my book” thing and passive-aggressively reading the book after she said she wanted to read it?
If so what should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why are you so upset that your mom would read the book before you? Are you embarrassed about the book? She was probably trying to connect with you and if you’re too busy to start reading it, then she can read it.
You’re a jerk for being so nasty to your mother over a book. What’s wrong with her saying “that’s an interesting story?”” Decent-Historian-207
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, just a little in my opinion. Why do you care so much about what your mom thinks about your books?
She probably was just curious or had something to chat to her teenager about. Just because your grandma did something doesn’t mean your mom will do the same to your book. She probably saw you get defensive and decided against reading afterward.” Minimus04
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If I have bought a book by a favorite author, and I know I can’t get around to reading it immediately, then it goes on my TBR pile. (That’s To Be Read, if you don’t know. Almost everyone who is a keen reader will have one.) That’s MY book, I paid for it, I want to be the first one to open it.
If it were something else, like a box of chocolate, some perfume or a piece of clothing, would your mum consider herself entitled to open/eat/wear it first?” ZookeepergameWise774
14. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Parents After Paying Off My Mortgage?
“I (31F) just paid off my townhouse in a lump sum.
I bought the house at 24 with my husband (partner at the time) and we maxed out our lump sum payments for those years. Before that, we spent 3 years and paid off most of our student loans. We thought there would have been loan forgiveness and interest was frozen so we still have some of that but we are going to pay that off before the end of the year.
My husband and I are pretty frugal and good with money. My family really is not good with money and my parents both work with decently paid jobs now but they had 5 kids so my mom was a stay-at-home mom for a long time. My dad has a car hobby and so apart from his cars and a small apartment, they don’t have much now.
My parents downsized when most of us left and bought an apartment and used the sale on their home to pay off their debts.
I did not know this but my yearly annual statements (different than my monthly statements) were in paper as well as online so they got sent to my parents, I used to have them as my mailing address and forgot to change it.
They called to ask for money (again) and I went with what I always do. I told them I don’t have any and they sent a picture of my annual statement showing my mortgage didn’t have much on it and told me I was clearly lying because I paid off my mortgage so fast. I could have helped a bit but I just got frustrated after seeing them spend anything I gave them on stuff I wouldn’t even spend on myself.
Like $4k for a sofa. And my mom always used to guilt me for not helping them enough saying she was a stay-at-home mom because of us (her kids) so we should help her. They don’t bother asking my other siblings because they are all struggling but now that they know I have a paid-off house they are pressuring me.
My husband and I agreed to put everything we could towards maxing out our Roth and 401k after we pay off our student loans so he is not going to be happy with my parents begging. I’m sick of it but I also feel guilt that I’m not helping them even if they waste what we used to give them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you should definitely not feel responsible for paying your mother back for raising you and your siblings! That’s a ridiculous argument. And I would be livid that they opened mail addressed to you and then tried to use the information they discovered to insist that you need to help them.
I would not want to hear another word from them unless it’s an apology.” Ok_Childhood_9774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all, stop that mail going to their house. Secondly, go low contact. I know that sounds harsh but they need to be on a time out.
If they continue to harass you for a handout, cut contact completely. Thirdly, what’s done is done. Stick to your guns and refuse to be intimidated or guilted into giving them money again. They had an obligation to raise their children and trying to make their children guilty over their choices is ridiculous at best.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’ve worked hard to be financially stable and responsible, and you shouldn’t be guilt-tripped into giving your money to someone who will waste it. Investing is (as I’m sure you know!) a much better use of your money than funding their frivolous purchases.
Also—your finances/lack of debt is not their business! Even if your mail is going to their house, it’s not okay for them to look through it. If you give them money now, they’ll never stop asking.” puzzledspoons
13. AITJ For Refusing To Arrange My Ex's Funeral Due To Emotional And Financial Strain?
“I (28F) recently found myself in an extremely difficult situation after the passing of my ex-partner (33F). We were in a relationship for 4 years (lived together) and broke up about 5 months ago due to her having severe depression which was making me emotionally drained and was taking a toll on my own mental health.
After the break up, she went to the hospital and volunteered to admit herself so that she could get the help that she needed.
However, my ex recently passed away tragically. Unfortunately, my ex doesn’t have any family or friends who are close enough to handle the responsibility of arranging this funeral (except a grandmother who is in an aged care facility), so the responsibility fell on me.
I feel immense sadness over her death, but I don’t want to arrange the funeral. For context, my ex battled depression for a long time, I was the primary caregiver, and the emotional strain of supporting her through her hardest and darkest moments took a significant toll on me, I was the only one with a job, so now I have little to no funds to spare for this funeral anyway.
This has left me reeling, and I am struggling to come to terms with it. I don’t know what to do with this, I don’t want to deny our mutual friends and community the opportunity to show love and find closure. But it feels like an enormous emotional and financial burden.
I feel incredible guilt and shame for not stepping up to the plate. But I don’t have it in me to not completely fall apart from arranging this funeral ceremony.
So, am I the jerk for refusing to arrange my ex’s funeral?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t understand you here though. You say there is nobody else, but then “it denies people from saying goodbye”. So there are people? This shouldn’t be falling on you. You don’t need to spend money you don’t have for a funeral, for someone who seemingly won’t have attendance anyways.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This sounds like a hard situation to be in, after years of an emotionally draining situation. If there are mutual friends and a community who would want to “show love and find closure” then there are other people who could help with arranging a funeral/memorial. If there aren’t the finances for a big event (from your ex) then…there doesn’t have to be a big event.
You should do what you need to…if it’s to step back, step back. If it’s to arrange a very simple burial, do that. If you want to ask those mutual friends and the community to take this on, or help with it, do that.
There’s no right (or wrong) answer here. But I don’t believe you’re the jerk for refusing to arrange your ex’s funeral.” tinyd71
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. In fact, there is no interpersonal conflict. No one is calling you a jerk and you’re not calling anyone else a jerk.
The cost of final arrangements is paid out of the estate of the deceased. That means the executor of the estate is responsible for the decisions. However, if the body has been released from the authorities to a funeral home, and ANYONE steps forward and signs a contract with the funeral home, then that person is responsible for the bill, and can only hope to be reimbursed by the estate.
DON’T sign any contract. Depending on your state, there may be public funds available to pay the funeral home for the cremation. I’m guessing in this case there’s not much of an estate, no will, etc. The best course here is probably cremation without services, which could cost as little as $300.
Then at some point in the future, friends and family can decide on a memorial, which can be held anywhere including the deceased’s favorite bar.” 1962Michael
12. AITJ For Wanting My Kids Onsite During A Wedding I'm Planning?
“I am an experienced wedding planner (14+ years) who offered to help a close family friend with her wedding. I have known the bride her entire life and offered a 50% discount on my planning services & waived travel fees (destination wedding) given I was also invited to attend.
I have been planning with her for over a year and the wedding is 3 months away. It is a destination wedding for nearly everyone attending, myself included. I have gone above and beyond to help her given our personal connection, including planning two other wedding weekend events not in our contract, replanning the entire wedding 9 months out because she decided to change locations, as well as dealing with communication from her well outside of my typical business hours (even after setting firm boundaries).
My husband, my mom and I have all been invited to the wedding. I also have two toddlers (3y, 4y) who have to travel with us as we’d be gone for 4 days. Last summer I had a conversation with the bride about getting sitter recommendations from her friends locally for our kids so we could have someone watch them in a room at the venue as I wasn’t comfortable with them being watched by a stranger 45 minutes away from me in another state.
I made travel arrangements for my family and me to the tune of close to $4k (flights, accommodations, rental car, etc.).
During a recent conversation, I mentioned the kids coming with us and the bride acted surprised but didn’t say anything one way or the other.
Fast forward a week and she reached out asking if I was planning to have the kids at the venue. I said yes, that they’d be watched in one of the back rooms by the sitter so they would be nearby & so I’d know they were safe (as I’d mentioned 7 months prior).
The bride then says that she told other family members they couldn’t bring their kids and that she didn’t want to set a double standard by allowing me to bring mine – “no exceptions”. I know for a fact that she does not have family members with young children, so this was confusing to me.
She said I should’ve asked her and not assumed, but I pointed out that I’ve been planning with her for over a year, and not once was anything about kids mentioned anywhere – not in save the dates, invites, wedding website, conversation, etc. The bride has a history of being stubborn and narcissistic, and it became clear she wasn’t going to make an exception for me, so I rescinded my husband’s RSVP and now have to cancel their non-refundable flights ($2k ish) and go alone to handle/attend the wedding.
I feel like I have gone above and beyond for her as a friend and wedding planner & the least she could do is to allow me to have my kids watched onsite (NOT attend or participate in any way). As a wedding planner – I am aware that kids at weddings are a tricky subject and I absolutely understand not wanting them at the event itself, but I would have ensured they remained corralled in the back area fully separate from guest view.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she knew you had kids. You had this conversation months ago. She could have asked you to find a sitter outside of her venue then. It sounds like she waited until the last minute to prevent that from being an option at all.
Also to take up your time after hours is already rude, to do so while you’re giving a discount is wild. I don’t think this person values you in general. I would not call this person a friend.” Curious-Ad628
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There’s no issue with the kids being nearby as long as they’re not at the wedding.
Wedding culture has gotten ridiculously out of control if we’re to the point that kids being unseen and unheard is an issue. Why do you have to cancel your husband’s and kids’ non-refundable flights though? If you’re going to the wedding without them, why not just let your husband and kids go to the park or the movies or something while you’re at the wedding, or swim in the hotel pool?
The rest of the time you can be on vacation with them.” Rooney_Tuesday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most of the issues stem from straying from your normal routine. You are charging 50% of your rates because this is a “close family friend”, and you’d be included in the event as a guest, not just the hired help.
Your generosity and friendship put you off balance and your guard was down. Most of us who have any kind of business have learned to be on high alert when dealing with friends and relatives. Personally, I have learned to never do it halfway. Sometimes, I do everything for free.
Rarely, do I charge full price. More of the time, I just decline. But I never ever discount. People, even friends and family, are too often jerks when it comes to valuing what I do, even when I go above and beyond, even when I just charge my material cost and no labor.
And the baggage that persists because they remain in your life is not worth it. When I do work for a stranger, they aren’t harping about some minor irrelevant detail that’s actually their fault every day afterward.” pukui7
11. AITJ For Confronting A Woman Playing Loud Music On The Bus?
“The other night I was on an evening bus minding my own business until this woman with an extreme case of main character syndrome sat down behind me, got her phone out, and started shuffling through a playlist at full volume with no headphones.
After fifteen minutes or so, I turned to her and asked, “Madam, what makes you think that the rest of the bus is interested in listening to your music?”
This kicked off an argument and caused a minor scene with everyone on the bus looking at us.
She, of course, thought I was a jerk with a stick up my backside raining on her parade because her noise made the ride “more fun” and I believe she was being extremely rude and entitled. Imagine if we all got our phones out and started doing the same thing, it would have been unbearable!
With that said, there are two reasons why I think that I might have been a jerk here. First, I answered a call from my mother maybe five minutes after I got on the bus (she was not on loudspeaker or anything, but obviously, people next to me would have been able to hear me talking).
I had a (very brief) conversation with her updating her on how my business went and informing her that I was currently on my way home. The woman I was arguing with immediately brought this up against me, which is where we get to the second point of why I might have been a jerk.
I told her that answering a call briefly because it was necessary was not the same as her favorite singer “screeching” in the background for our entire trip, which was admittedly unnecessarily hostile and she, of course, took offense to it.
Furthermore, I told her that if she had any manners, she would have been listening to music in public with her headphones on and she said she didn’t bring any, so I sarcastically replied, “Oh, isn’t that too bad.”
The argument ended there, she did not play any more music loudly and everyone else went back to minding their own business (silently) but she spent the entire ride complaining loudly to the person next to her how I was a spoilsport, and how she was spontaneous and had “good energy” unlike “some people” and how her parents were upstanding members of society who raised her “properly”.
It was annoying but I didn’t respond to any of her bait after the initial argument.
Anyway, I didn’t think I was a jerk until I told my mother about it later and she told me I was just as much of a jerk as her because a) I should have minded my own business, b) I caused a scene in public where everyone was looking at me and c) I am entirely too hostile and confrontational and there is a reason I rub people the wrong way.
Now, I admit that I can be stubborn and reactive but I am aware of my shortcomings and take active steps to mitigate them, so 99% of the time, I simply walk away from conflict. However, playing loud music in public and smoking in a non-smoking area are my pet peeves that I regularly complain about and get people kicked out for.
So, tell me, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Part of the reason why a phone call (not on speaker) is more acceptable is because the only noise you’re making is your own voice, and it’s acceptable to talk to someone on transit unless you’re in the quiet car, whereas phone speakers are not designed to play over a large area, so once you’re a few feet away, the noise sounds more and more tinny and distorted, which is why even taking a phone call on speaker is pretty rude.
Music is even worse, because a lot of people have a wide variety of tastes in it.” AliceInWeirdoland
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I’m not sure I’m the moral compass for this specific situation because I’m a passive-aggressive jerk myself when it comes to people like this.
My response when someone did the “I’m just trying to lighten the mood! It’s all in good fun!” was to say “My cousin played that song at her wedding before she was killed by an intoxicated driver on her way to her honeymoon.” Complete lie, but it shut up Miss Life of the Party on the #3 Route.
So take my advice with a grain of salt because I feel that anyone acting rude in public is a jerk and therefore being a jerk back at them doesn’t count.” Abstruse
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely, definitely, categorically, beyond a shadow of a doubt NTJ.
In fact, the bus company should hire you, pay you in gold and diamonds, and let you ride all day and all night shutting down annoying amateur DJs on their phones. Even better they should make you a training director so one of your protégés could be on every bus, then expand your services to trains and planes and beaches and parks.
I think I’d call your department Guiding Obnoxious DJs to Silence. You may have touched a nerve. Apologies. But well done.” Famous_Specialist_44
10. AITJ For Defending My Autistic Sister Against Our Parents' Criticism?
“So when I (27f) was 10 and my sister (25f) was 8 our parents sat us down and announced they were getting a divorce.
This did come as a surprise to the two of us. We both thought we had a happy family and that our parents were happily married. Our parents were very traditional, told us all about the importance of marriage and family and they would often use the terms broken homes/broken families to describe divorce when you have kids.
So this really blindsided us. To make it worse, my sister is on the autism spectrum and she has always had a very hard time with change and when she’s going through a lot she can get lost inside her head.
Right after my parents told us my sister started to cry but she didn’t realize because she was inside her head.
Our parents were really impatient with her and told her to get out of her head so they could finish talking because they couldn’t deal with her not paying attention. She burst into tears the second it happened and ran out of the room. My parents were so on edge and they were moody with me.
I gave my sister a couple of minutes before following her out of the room which made them angry. My parents went to talk to my sister after a few hours and she kept saying she didn’t want our family to change and they needed to stay together because she didn’t want a broken home and a broken family.
They got so mad at her and called her selfish.
Three weeks after that they regretted it apparently. So they sat her down and assured her nothing was changing and it would all be fine and her life would be the very same. My sister doesn’t understand when people are not direct with her and she can have a hard time figuring out double meanings to things.
So she believed this was them saying they were staying together and she was so happy and got so excited and said she was so glad they were staying married and still loved each other. This made them angry again and she ended up running off crying again.
They got annoyed with her for asking questions about the divorce. They would get so frustrated with her and said she was prying but she couldn’t understand. Over the years she has gotten better at understanding not everything will get you an answer but back then she felt like her whole belief system was rocked.
Both parents were frustrated with my sister when they got remarried to others because she wasn’t warmer with them and their families than she was with other new people/strangers in her life.
Now she’s an adult and has made some choices my parents do not agree with and she told them via text instead of face to face.
She was very blunt and direct with them also. This angered my parents and they confronted her about keeping them on the outside of her life and dropping major news via text. This started a dispute between them and my parents tried venting to me about it but I told them they did this to themselves with how they treated my sister and I felt she was right.
They were angry at me for taking her side.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your parents poorly handled this because they don’t understand Autism, and also because they don’t understand the importance of being transparent (to an extent) with your children, they’re part of the family and they should be treated as such with communication.
I feel like this is a “need therapy” situation for all of them to understand each other better, but that’s easier said than done always. Proud of you actually for standing up for sis.” SNonAnoNS
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! They involved you in their beef with your sister and you answered honestly.
If you can’t accept someone’s contrary opinion, don’t ask. Children with ASC/autism tend to be very literal (am the father of an autistic daughter) and I recognize your sister’s reaction, both then and now, as that. Your sister has agency/responsibility for one person, herself, not your parents: she owes them nothing.
Good on you for doing what was right, not easy. Definitely NTJ!” Ambitious-Border-906
Another User Comments:
“You were completely correct in your take on the situation. The way your parents dealt with your sister’s distress and confusion over the divorce beggars comprehension. What 8-year-old wouldn’t think her parents have changed their minds about the divorce when they tell her that nothing is going to change?
And then, oh no, the little girl cries and runs out of the room and isn’t warm and cuddly with their new spouses! The nerve. If I were your sister, I’d be telling them things by text and keeping as large a separation as I possibly could between us, including moving to another continent.
They seem to lack the most rudimentary compassion, empathy, or understanding of her. NTJ.” Nester1953
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit My Husband's Friend's Unruly Kids Anymore?
“I am a 26-year-old F. Before marrying my husband I told him I did not want children. I don’t hate children or anything, they just stress me out. I am on the spectrum and get easily overwhelmed. My family and friends know how I feel about children.
They all know I’m a people pleaser as well. I sometimes agree to babysit my cousin’s kids or my husband’s college friend’s kids to be nice. I am never compensated which is fine except twice when I was given $20. (It’s been three years)
My cousins aren’t that bad but they aren’t dumped on me, unlike my husband’s friend’s children. And these kids are AWFUL. Their parents let them get away with everything and then I have to deal with the unruly behavior. I am losing my mind and because I am stressed, this causes arguments between me and my husband.
He makes excuses for his friend not asking me to watch his kids. He just drops them off and I’ve even asked the friend to inform me first. He only listens to my husband’s requests and when I point this out to my partner he claims his friend forgot.
At first, I tried to think he may be right but it keeps happening. My husband says that when I watch my cousins it stresses me out and I should consider watching them less, but makes excuses for his friend. What should I do? I’m tired of watching kids.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – next time his friend “drops” his kids off unexpectedly, get in your car and drive off. And tell hubby you will be doing this next time, and follow through. If hubs isn’t home, then don’t open the door and let the kids in!!
Make this your hill to die on or you will be the “drop everything” babysitter for the kids for eternity.” Comfortable-Sea-2454
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This isn’t going to change by you being NICE or ACCOMMODATING. You’ve tried that. It’s time to grow up & stand up for yourself.
Every time the kids show up, grab your purse & leave. Every time. Don’t give in to the whining, the guilt, the promises that this will be the last time (because it WON’T be the last time they dump the kids on you). Just leave.
No arguments, no nothing. Leave. You either stand up for yourself now, or people dumping their responsibilities on you will get worse & worse, since they know you won’t do anything about it.” CampfiresInConifers
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Setting boundaries is essential, especially in your personal space.
Agreeing to watch the kids earlier does not create an obligation to do so indefinitely or without terms that work for you. Communication with your friend about the value of your time and the need for prior arrangements or compensation isn’t rude, it’s necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship.
If they are truly your friend, they will understand and respect your position. Next, have an open conversation with your husband about why you feel taken advantage of and work together to address the situation. It’s important to present a united front and ensure family and friends respect your collective boundaries as a couple.” Margareta_Kopczyk
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Tell My Daughter She Might Have FAS Because She's Struggling With Math?
“I, a 35-year-old female, have a daughter Emma who is 15.
I didn’t know I was pregnant with her as I have always been very underweight and due to that never had periods. I didn’t gain any weight or have any symptoms, until I was about 7 months along and complained of back pain. After a doctor’s visit, I realized I was pregnant, and kept the baby.
As I didn’t know earlier, I did drink a fair amount and smoke but after realizing I was pregnant I completely stopped and was terrified that Emma would have FAS or that I could have harmed her. My sister Ava, 41, really helped me during this time, especially when Emma was younger and I needed someone to look after her while I finished college, as Emma’s dad didn’t want to be involved.
Emma was born healthy and has had no long-term health issues otherwise and is very smart. She is in the top set in her classes and is always very happy.
Last week, I got a call from Emma’s teacher to say she might have dyscalculia as she is struggling in math.
She informed me she wanted to get Emma tested with a special needs lady in the school and needed my permission. I said yes and didn’t think much of it – I just wanted Emma to get the help she needs.
I told Ava and she said that this could be due to my past habits when I was pregnant and that kids with FAS struggle with problem-solving and maths, but Emma has never struggled before, and that if she had FAS I would tell her but there was no need to scare her and let her know.
Ava disagrees and wants me to tell Emma, but I told her to mind her own business and she is now saying she will tell Emma if I don’t, as she is old enough to know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – while not impossible, I don’t think your daughter has dyslexia or dyscalculia, those are usually diagnosed in first and second grade.
It sounds like she is just struggling with the higher level of math which is normal. Your sister probably feels like a second mom to your daughter since she helped raise her while you finished college. I would talk to her explain your feelings and make it clear the consequences if she tells your daughter her suspicions.
I don’t know what your sister does for a living to make her feel qualified to diagnose your daughter. But it is pretty awful of her to use your fears like this. One day when your daughter is actually old enough to understand you can tell her about this, but that is on your time frame not your sister’s.” LadyX-TENnyson
Another User Comments:
“This is none of Ava’s business. I’m unclear what she hopes to achieve. She’s 15. This is when they really start throwing hard math at you. Millions of people struggle with math and it has diddly to do with FAS.
Emma has shown no indication of FAS. She’s bright and healthy. She’s just struggling with harder math. Completely normal. You’re getting her the help she needs. I’d take real issue with my sister inserting herself and deciding she would tell Emma anyway over your decision.” Salt-Lavishness-7560
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister needs to mind her business. FAS would have likely shown up in childhood. I am not a dyslexic but there are times when I switch words around in sentences. People are bad at math. Numbers look the same. It’s not that serious.
If there are NO other signs I wouldn’t be concerned. However, one thing you may want to consider is if your sister is the type of person who would go behind your back and tell your daughter something like that anyway, you may want to consider telling your daughter the circumstances around your pregnancy (if you haven’t already) NOT to insinuate to her she may have FAS but just so if her aunt tries to tell her that she does, she knows what your pregnancy was like and she doesn’t think you were indulging in bad habits on purpose.” ButtonTemporary8623
7. AITJ For Sending My Parents Biblical Images In Response To Their Disapproval Of My Piercings?
“I’m a 19-year-old woman currently in college. I come from a churchy family, and there was a big fight two years ago when I decided to get a septum piercing and a nose ring.
My parents thought it was trashy and inappropriate, and that only awful people get piercings like that and display them for everyone.
I’m not really religious, but I’ve read a lot of the Bible, and in one of the fights I pointed out that the Biblical Matriarch Rebeccah, the wife of Isaac, wore a nose ring.
(Strictly speaking, it’s not 100% textually clear that she did; but when Eliezer gives her one and some bracelets in Genesis 24:22, and a few verses later her brother notices her with the jewelry, and the bracelets are explicitly being worn, I think the reading is much more natural that she just put the jewelry on) And if they’re really all about me being godly and following the teachings of the Bible, there shouldn’t be any problems with me having a nose ring.
That did not persuade them, and things have been a bit chilly since then, although the distance when I went off to university has helped some. Still, my folks have reached out on several occasions, once every other month or so, and most of the time, I’ll respond, but usually send back pictures of some sort of image of Rebeccah in an icon or something.
I have not come home in person since I went off to study.
This morning, my uncle called up. I’ve gotten along better with him than most of my family, and he asked when I was going to stop being ‘childish’. And that while I have every right to keep my distance from my family, I should either say I don’t want to have much contact and stick to it, or push for reconciliation.
And that sending passive-aggressive and catty pictures like this was just stirring up trouble for no actual benefit, and that I should stop. I have a lot of respect for my uncle’s opinions, and maybe I shouldn’t keep this going.
On the other hand, my parents make me so angry about making such a big deal over such a minor thing, and they still have never actually admitted they’ve done anything wrong, just that they’re sorry it created a rift between us.
Have I pushed this too far?”
Another User Comments:
“A gentle ESH (except Uncle, he’s a unit here). ESH because it’s probably been long enough to actually respond to your family and give them a chance. The “Sorry we’ve created a rift between us” is likely as good as it’s going to get, as it does acknowledge that they were acting less like Jesus and more like the priests who constantly tried to entrap Jesus with their weak strawman arguments.
And it’s gentle because you do appear receptive to feedback and seem like you don’t want to spend the rest of your life being petty and estranged from your family over simple piercings. Granted, maybe they are just apologizing to pay lip service and will go right back to being that way once you’re actually talking to them, but we can’t really know that unless they’re given that chance.
And if they DO go that route, well you just go right back to doing what you do. Of course, all this DOES also hinges on it being what you want. You forgiving them is something that YOU decide to do in YOUR timing, based on YOUR comfort.
Is it probably better to meet them halfway and at least let there be a chance of reconciling? Absolutely. But doing so before you’re actually ready might mean you go in overly hostile and pessimistic, which wouldn’t likely end well for either party. Good luck, kiddo!
Also mad respect on the Rebecca piercing thing.” neophenx
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Ok, love the biblical knowledge, love the uno reverse, love the petty energy. But where are you going to go from here? Do you want an apology? Do you want to have a relationship where, ok, your parents hate the piercings, but no one ever mentions it?
Do you want to cut them out forever? Uncle’s right – you should decide what you want, and then communicate that to them, properly. Then, however they react, you’ve been an adult about it, not a child. ” Fortressa-
Another User Comments:
“Tbh, I get why you send them the pics all the time.
Your uncle is right that it’s a little immature but I don’t think it makes you a jerk. There’s nothing wrong with wanting healthy distance from your family for some time if they’re making you feel bad about yourself. Have you tried having an honest convo about the fact that you’re an adult now and don’t need their opinion on your jewelry?
If they can’t respect your autonomy to make those decisions as an adult, it’s NOT childish to protect your boundaries. The text pics are probably overdone you could definitely make the point without them by just keeping your distance now!” butterflyhigh808
6. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Sister's Wig After She Regretted Her Haircut?
“My (17M) sister (18F) decided to get a pixie cut.
She’s had it for about 2 weeks now and now she dislikes it. She came to me and told me that it’s embarrassing my hair is longer than hers and she wants me to shave my head. I told her that I would not shave my head and that if she doesn’t like how her hair is she should just get a wig instead.
She told me that she doesn’t have funds to buy a wig and so I told her to ask our parents to get her one and she told me that she wasn’t gonna do that because they were the ones who advised her not to cut her hair in the first place and it’ll be embarrassing to admit that they were right.
She then again asked me to cut my hair and I told her no. She then got mad at me and told me that no man actually cared about their hair and that if I wanted to be a girl so bad I should just say that instead.
This upset me so I told her that it wasn’t my fault she was a bald-headed broke individual and if she wanted to get a wig she should just get a job instead.
She was not happy when I called her bald-headed and went to go tell our parents.
Our parents got mad at both of us for arguing and then after they got done yelling at us my dad told me that he wants me to pay for my sister’s wig.
He told me that I had to pay for her wig because what I said to her was disrespectful.
He said what she said was wrong but what I said was worse. I told him that I only said that because she kept antagonizing me. He kept insisting that me paying for the wig was gonna be my punishment and he’ll think of something for her.
I told him that I’ve been saving MY funds since I started working and I wasn’t gonna spend any of it on her.
I told my dad that if he takes funds out of my account that I wasn’t gonna speak to him until he puts everything back.
Because knowing my sister she’s probably gonna try and pick the most expensive one. My parents are upset with me because they said I’m trying to run away from accountability and that they find it unreasonable that I would try and punish them for that?
I don’t see why they can’t pay for it themselves.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. Anyone who says you are, obviously doesn’t have siblings. This is similar to arguments that I often run into with my siblings. They’ll do or say something, I’ll say something slightly meaner back, they’ll complain to our parents, and then they’ll tell me to s**u.
The real jerk is your parents. By enabling your sister to do stuff like this, she’ll likely continue to do so. She’s obviously regretting her choice; but it’s just that, HER CHOICE. Your parents deciding to make you use your own funds to remedy her stupid mistake, is completely detached from reality.
But that’s something parents do a lot. They partially listen and then decide which is the easier side to take.” stewie1203
Another User Comments:
“Why did she want you to cut your hair? What did she think that would accomplish? You’re a dude. Cutting your hair wouldn’t even distract people away from her haircut.
Honestly, I think if you cut your hair in a similar manner, it would actually make her haircut stand out more. Not liking the fact that your hair is longer and asking you to shave it off just makes absolutely no sense at all to me.
NTJ at all. Your parents are delusional if they think you should pay for a wig for her. But if you have some extra funds and are feeling a bit petty, you could buy a cheap wig in a pixie cut and give that to her.
After all, Dad didn’t specify which wig he thinks you should be buying.” birthdayanon08
Another User Comments:
“NTJ how is it that your parents are asking you to take accountability for calling her that but they aren’t asking your sister to take accountability for the fact that she’s the one who should be paying for her own wig, to fit her own head, for the haircut that she got?
They’re being very hypocritical. And just because she hates her hair now, she’s asking you to shave off your hair too? That’s really stuck up of her to even suggest. Also, can I just say, that was an amazing comeback you gave her!” purpleberry-tart
5. AITJ For Refusing To Plan A Bridal Shower For My Brother's Fiancée?
“Wedding season brings out the absolute worst in people, so here we go.
My brother Jay is marrying his fiancée Debbie in July. Debbie asked both me and my sister Christina to be bridesmaids, but we both turned it down (this becomes relevant later).
A couple of weeks ago, Debbie contacted me and Christina and demanded we throw her a bridal shower, though this was more directed at me as Christina is currently in university. Her reasoning was that it was the least we could do after we said no to being bridesmaids and didn’t have any costs and hadn’t contributed to the wedding yet.
I told Christina I would handle it since she is very conflict-averse, and I sent Debbie back a polite text saying we will not be planning, hosting, or attending any such shower. Debbie got very angry and implied that she would try to uninvite us from the wedding.
(I don’t think I am wrong in thinking that this is something the maid of honour unusually does for the bride so I’m curious why this evening came close to landing on our plate in the first place)
Jay asked both me and Christina to reconsider, and even said he would pay for it if we’d just pretend we did but I said absolutely not, and Christina can’t really plan it all on her own.
Jay is now getting pressure from Debbie to react to this in some way (I guess she wants us uninvited or to have some kind of “consequences” for us not helping).
This has caused a fair bit of drama. Jay’s mother (not my mother) has used this as an excuse to lay into him about Debbie, whom she dislikes.
Jay’s dad and best man are giving him grief for letting her treat us this way, and Jay is digging his heels in because he feels like we’re all ganging up on him. He’s accused me of pretty much ruining the wedding planning experience and thinks that he won’t end up with a lot of family there if this goes on.
I don’t think I’m in the wrong for not wanting to do the shower. Am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You cannot be ordered to have a shower for someone. That should be handled by her wedding party or a friend of hers.
I am curious why you and your sister declined to be bridesmaids. Is she always this demanding and unreasonable and you just don’t like her? Your brother should be having a hard look at her behaviour and her desire to punish people who don’t follow her orders.
This won’t end well for him.” squirrelsareevil2479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your reasons for declining to be a bridesmaid are valid, although I hope you communicated those to Debbie so she doesn’t take it as a rejection. “I sent Debbie back a polite text saying we will not be planning, hosting, or attending any such shower.” That comes off as a bit confrontational/hostile.
You say you have no conflict with Debbie, so why wouldn’t you even want to attend a bridal shower? That said, Debbie isn’t making sense here, actually this whole thing isn’t adding up. It’s generally the job of the bridal party or one of the moms to plan the bridal shower.
Why are the actual bridesmaids not doing this? Why isn’t her mom or your mom doing it? Why are you and Christina the only ones who Debbie wants to host the bridal shower?” SirEDCaLot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like you and your sister aren’t really close friends, or even friends at all, with Debbie.
And that’s fine. But why does Debbie not have any friends or closer family to organise this shower for her? I’d literally tell Debbie this: “A bridal shower is typically organised by the maid of honour/bride’s maids, or any other closer friends or close family members.
I suggest you approach those people. My sister and I are not that close to you, which is why we declined to be your bridesmaids. We would be attending your wedding to be there for Jay, seeing as he’s our brother, so it’s not up to you to uninvite us.
If Jay decides he doesn’t want us at the wedding, that’s his choice and we expect him to communicate that to us. Good luck with everything!”” almalauha
4. AITJ For Refusing To Loan Our New SUV For A Quinceanera?
“Last week my (40) wife (39) told me that our brand new SUV was requested to be used as a ride and I thought it was for one of our kids’ school.
Turns out it was her SIL (32) (BIL’s wife), her SIL’s cousin is having a ‘quinceanera’ and they want to use our SUV as the ride for her.
I know her parents but not the uncle and aunt like friends or something like that, just seen them a few times at some reunions.
Of course my response was not the best but I kind of laughed and said no way because it was unbelievable for me.
A little backstory: I grew up poor and I did not have much growing up, but I have worked so hard to earn and have what we own.
And don’t get me wrong, my wife is the sweetest woman I have ever met, she’s kind and caring and always looking to help others when possible. She did not offer the SUV.
So now my wife is upset with me because I said no and the way I said it.
I did not bring up the topic anymore and BIL and BIL’s wife went to my in-laws and asked for their SUV instead. BIL’s wife’s argument was that renting a nice SUV was too expensive and they were ‘ugly’.
Now I feel like our family doesn’t like me or sees me as “not nice, you could’ve helped but didn’t”.
Oh well… AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your response was fine. I never loan out my car – ever. They’re too expensive and there’s too much liability. Plus, this isn’t a need, it’s a want for a party. I think it was rude of them to ask and your wife should have said no before it even came to you.
Your in-laws are upset at you? Okay, so who is loaning them their SUV? Anyone? I bet they’re just mad because you won’t and they don’t want to.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“So I recently had to move back in with my mom. About a month after changing my address at the DMV, her car insurance company called her up and informed her that they would be adding me, an adult residing at the same address with my own vehicle and insurance policy, to her insurance policy unless she signed a waiver.
So, if I borrow her car, it’s 100% uninsured. This is becoming pretty standard. You can’t just lend a car to someone and have any legal protections. If someone crashes it and decides not to pay you for it, good luck in court, because you could be not only on the hook for any damages to your own vehicle, but possibly for whoever else was involved as well.
Don’t lend vehicles to people unless you can afford to replace two vehicles. NTJ.” SpaceyScribe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am probably missing something but why is an SUV necessary to drive someone? No offense to SUV but it isn’t a statement car like a Bentley or a horse and carriage.
It is not a classic Mustang. It is just a car. I am thinking of the kinds of cars people rent to drive the bride to the church and an SUV – however new or nice – isn’t that kind of car. Not that it would make it a more acceptable request but I am genuinely not understanding why a teenager would think it was such a huge big deal to get a ride in an SUV.
Did they want to cram it full of partying teenagers?” Jujulabee
3. AITJ For Leaving My Partner Locked Out Because My Phone Died?
“I’m 27M she’s 24F.
Context is we only have one set of keys because a few months ago our landlord lost his pair and asked us for one of the ones we had, and since we are moving at the end of this month we decided to not make another copy.
Yesterday she went out with this new friend of hers she met a few months ago to have lunch but ended up spending the entire day out and around 10 pm told me she was gonna go out partying. I told her I was gonna go out too but since she wasn’t home and I had the keys I told her what we were supposed to do and she told me to take the keys and said we could come home together at 6 am when the clubs closed because we were gonna be near each other (clubs were a few minutes walk distance from each other).
I insisted she confirm that she was going to come home with me because I told her I was low on battery and my phone would die and she confirmed it.
I had a lot to drink and she did too because we were texting throughout the night and I could tell she was inebriated. Around 6 am I asked her if she was coming home because I guessed she might be going to sleep at her friend’s who lives near our home (around 15-minute walk).
She didn’t reply so I guessed okay she’s not coming home and since I was still active and a bit inebriated I went to one of my friends’ places too, drank a bit more, and ended up falling asleep on their couch.
My phone died so no alarms and no calls were received and I woke up around 3-4 pm and took a taxi home only to find her sitting on the door and giving me a death stare.
She hasn’t talked to me since that day (it was on Friday) and made a big thing out of it. Apparently, she came home around 12 pm thinking I was there and I wasn’t receiving any texts or opening the door so she just stayed there until I finally came home.
I asked her why didn’t she just come back to her friend’s place which is near our house and she said that wasn’t the point and told me to leave her alone and even hinted at breaking up because “she can’t believe I care so little about her”.
I do understand she can be mad because she was sitting there for hours but 1. I did text her at 6 asking her if she was gonna come home as she said but she didn’t even reply until 12 pm. 2. She could’ve just gone back to her friend’s?
And 3. I did warn her several times that I was running low on battery.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You told her that the plan was to go home at 6 AM. You didn’t text her a change of plans or that you were at your friend’s house.
You knew she could only get in the house if you were home. You chose not to go home and fell asleep at a friend’s place – effectively locking her out of her home for hours. You should have just gone home at 6 AM.
Or charged your phone at your friend’s place.” MyTh0ughtsExactly
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sounds like the plan was you’d meet up at the home at 6 AM, and then you didn’t. You had the only key between you two, so the responsibility lies with you to be home at the agreed-upon time.
If your battery was low, you should have ensured your friend had your SO’s number so you could still reach her from your friend’s phone.” almalauha
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why did you assume what she was doing at 6 am?? Did you not care about her enough to check if she was actually okay?
Bro could’ve not been replying for soo many reasons but instead you went to your mate’s house and slept. Besides, a deal’s a deal. You were the one with the key, so even though she did come at 12 at least she would’ve been let into the house.
Also, you could have charged your phone at your mates. Why was she not your priority???” Both-Shine1705
2. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Move In With Us After She Faked Being Sick?
“My husband is 57 and I am 49. My MIL is 81. She used to be very independent but since my FIL passed away a few years ago, her health has been declining (she can walk and take care of herself, she’s just frailer) and she’s become much more soft-spoken and generally nice.
Being perfectly honest, she never used to be easy to get along with, and my husband agrees. But anyways that’s alright. I didn’t have much contact with her and she had her own life, my husband visited maybe once every few months because we live very close to her, about half an hour.
Recently though she wants him to visit more often and she gets upset when she isn’t invited to things we are doing. For example, we recently went on a trip to celebrate my husband’s birthday, and he didn’t want to bring her as it would really limit the sorts of activities we could do.
She insisted we should have gone on a “chill” trip and brought her.
Last week we had gone to visit my family. My MIL called my husband and said she was really sick and admitted in the hospital, my husband obviously panicked and we both took a flight that evening back home to see what was wrong.
It turned out she was totally fine and apparently had a mild cold. We spoke to the doctor and she said my MIL had said she “couldn’t breathe” and when the doctor said she could go home, she insisted on being admitted.
I told my husband it sounds like she just wanted to be admitted so you would come back to check on her.
He was appalled, but later on agreed that it did kind of make sense and sound like something she would do. She wants to stay with us now because she is “sick”. I said no, she is faking it and I don’t want to deal with her all day.
My husband thinks I’m being a selfish jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Mixed bag. NTJ for resisting having MIL move in. But YTJ for being generally cold and flippant toward her and her health (even if she “faked” the recent scare). She’s an 81-year-old widower living alone.
She’s not feeling great, possibly has more fear about being alone given her frail condition, and she wants to see her son more. Maybe her asks are too big or too much but seems like y’all could be more sympathetic and consider stepping it up a bit.
Make your own informed assessment of what she does need, and decide what you can reasonably do.” Justsaying0000
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I wouldn’t let her move in either, but you lack compassion. She’s elderly, has lost her husband, and has probably never lived alone before.
This was my mother a few years ago. She kept saying she was fine until she wasn’t. She moved into a retirement home, and she is much happier. She has no bills to worry about, she comes and goes as she pleases, has her new and old friends and she’s not lonely.
And there is medical attention if she needs it.” Historical-Goal-3786
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she may have faked an illness & yes this is frustrating, but why did she fake the illness is more important. She’s 81, frail (your own words) and her husband recently died. Your husband..
her son visits once every few months as you live close by – 30min big wow what a poor effort made. Did you ever consider she’s sad, lonely and pretty much alone? You don’t need to become her best friend or even have her live with you – but your husband I’m sure could spare an hour or so a week to visit & check in.
Pity helps you as you get older and you find yourself with a similar lifestyle.” catsoverdogs7272
1. AITJ For Expecting My Wife To Prioritize Me Over Work While I Was Seriously Ill?
“Recently, I unexpectedly became very sick after catching a bug from my toddler and 11-month-old daughters. I ended up with bronchitis and pneumonia.
I had a fever of 105. I had severe coughing attacks and I was coughing up buckets of phlegm.
I had severe chills and every night I’d be drenched in sweat from the coughing and fever. I didn’t sleep for 5-7 days but for thirty minutes here and there. I had to visit the ER three times because of severe chest pain and trouble breathing as my oxygen levels would regularly reach dangerous levels.
I simply was not getting better.
It just so happened that my wife had requested Friday and Monday off because our girls’ daycare was closed. She did her best to care for the girls while I was isolated in the guest room. There were moments each day when she lost her temper with our toddler and I had to muster whatever strength I had left to console our daughter from the outburst from my wife.
She’d regularly snatch our daughter by the arm and drag her out of our bedroom and lock the door because she wasn’t being quiet enough, leaving our daughter crying hysterically outside the door trying to get back in.
I didn’t like it but I tried to be understanding.
My wife was just frustrated and overwhelmed.
A few days into my illness, I’d already been to the ER twice and I was not improving. I’d shared with my wife that I was getting worried if I got any worse I might die.
I’d started to feel disoriented and dizzy along with all my other symptoms.
That same night, she told me she’d be going to work the next day (Monday) and taking our two daughters with her. I asked her why this was necessary and she said she had a small project she needed to complete that was important to her.
I told her that from my perspective, work could wait. I needed her. She was off anyway. And her boss is very understanding and they’d figure it out. I didn’t understand why she also felt the need to burden herself with work. She went anyway and left me alone for about 5 hours that day.
I was upset and disappointed by this and my wife could care less. The whole time I’ve been sick, she showed no empathy for me and was more annoyed than anything that I wasn’t able to provide the utility I normally provide.
I had to go back to the ER the day after she went to work and thankfully I’ve started to feel a bit better now.
It’s been two weeks.
Nonetheless, it’s led to a deep division in the relationship with my wife. This is not out of the ordinary for her. She regularly puts work and everyone else before me. It just feels like this could be the last straw for me if I can’t even count on her when I’m sick.
Of course, she thinks I’m being dramatic and she sees nothing wrong with what she did. She’s started the public campaign of making me the jerk for expecting her to stay home and care for me.
AITJ for expecting my wife to care for and support me when I’m extremely sick?
Is that really an unreasonable request?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to call anyone a jerk here. I understand that you were very sick, but your wife has been clearly overwhelmed by trying to care for a toddler and 2 infants solo while also being expected to care for you.
While it’s not awesome to lose your temper, she’s trying to keep the kids away from you so you don’t get them deathly sick. Since you’re so ill, you need to be in the hospital or have someone else helping to care for you. The kids can’t care for themselves so of course she needs to make them the priority, but they’re all so young it’s a huge amount of work.
No jerks here but I hope you feel better soon and I hope your wife gets some support. ” Willing-Helicopter26
Another User Comments:
“What was your wife going to do to take care of you if you passed out, couldn’t breathe, had a heart attack, etc?
If you were so sick you needed constant care you should have gone to a hospital. Your wife was managing 2 young children, all the household needs, and your probably whiny self. My dad was always a giant needy baby when he was sick. He expected the entire house to shut down and focus on him if he got the slightest cold.
His close and frequent bouts with death became a joke to me and my siblings. That’s the vibe I’m getting from your post. YTJ.” NuketheCow_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and I agree with your wife that you’re being dramatic. Why were you not admitted to the hospital?
It’s very strange that the ER would not admit such a seriously ill person to the hospital. Don’t tell me your wife was getting 8 hours of sleep all those nights you claim to have been awake except for 30 minutes here and there. She left you “alone for 5 hours.” So what?
She needed some time away from you and your needs/demands for her attention. She thought you were well enough to be alone for a few hours and she was exhausted. Hear this: going to her job with her two little kids was a break for her.
You had a phone. You had all your church buddies. You had 911 or your country’s equivalent. You had alternatives but you, imho, decided to “test” your wife.” lonnielee3
He's sick and trying. NTJ. And shame on everyone to think this is okay.NTJ.
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