People Shake Things Up In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting To Close The Energy Account Instead Of Transferring It To My Flatmate?
“After high school, I moved to a new city with a friend (A) so we could attend the same university, and after 1st year in halls, we found a flat together. It’s now been a few years and I’m graduating, so I no longer need to be close to the university, and I wanted to move in with my partner.
I’ve essentially been living with my partner unofficially, but still paying my half of the rent and the full energy (both gas and electric) bill for the flat with A. Even when I lived in the flat, I was solely responsible for the energy bill, although I do think A paid about £100 early in the tenancy.
I’ve been looking to move out with my partner for a little over a month and let A know this as soon as I started seriously looking and applying for flats. I told A that I’d still pay rent up until September, to allow A time to find a new flatmate.
I’ve now got a place with my partner, so A and I had to sort out other things like what to do with the energy bill.
The issue is this, the energy supplier we are using does not allow contracts to be transferred fully. I can add A to the energy contract, but I cannot be removed, so ultimately I’ll still be liable.
I’ve double-checked with the company and they have confirmed that I cannot be taken off the contract, it’s just their policy.
A wants me to leave the contract open and add them to the contract, so that A can take over payments. I can fully understand why A wants to do things this way, because if I close the contract A will need to take out a new contract which will be much more expensive, which is where I feel like I may be a jerk.
I’m currently paying around £100 a month, and I’ve had a look and with the same company, a new contract is over £200 a month. Even with other companies, that’s around the minimum price because of the ridiculous energy costs just now.
But, there are 2 reasons I don’t want to do it this way.
Firstly, transferring that way leaves my name on the contract. This means that if A and the new flatmate miss payments, the energy company can still come to me for payments despite me not living there anymore. I know the new flatmate and lent them money for energy bills before, which wasn’t paid back, so that doesn’t fill me with confidence.
Secondly, I’ve got around £300 credit on my energy account, and I can’t get the full amount back without closing the account. I’ve paid the whole bill for over 2 years, so any positive balance is fully my money so in my mind I should be able to get it back from the energy company, and not leave it for A and the new flatmate to use.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Possible to make A a deal? S/he gives you cash for the credit left on the account, and if they ever miss a payment, you close the account, no second chances, and they will have to handle getting a new account.
So, you’d be willing to try to work with them, but limiting the damage/liability that it leaves you open for. Also possible – as soon as energy costs are reasonable again, you close the current contract and A will open a new contract at that time?
Also: I would check back with the energy supplier and ask to talk to a supervisor/manager. Because I would just really want to make sure that I wasn’t being given a wrong answer by a first-level person who doesn’t have a full understanding of what’s going on.” animaniactoo
Another User Comments:
“Your current flatmate and the incoming flatmate have both shown that they do not pay their bills. He’s had a good deal living with you and having his bills paid for him. Consider the many many months he hasn’t paid anything.
He’s thousands ahead because of you. You’ve been good to him but you no longer live together so time to stop. Don’t put your own financials at risk. NTJ.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – actually it would be a lot more convenient for A if you keep the account and just pay their bill from now on.
I’m sure it would be a big help if you paid the water bill too, and what about car insurance – but of course the standard here is not what A wants, but what’s fair for you.” Traveling-Techie
20. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Mom's Inheritance So My Dad Can Remarry?
“My mom passed away and my dad has, since then, been in what is called “undivided estate”. This means, that my mom’s inheritance for us is bound in their shared house and my dad can use that money as he wishes (within fair limits).
This is permitted by law in my country.
My dad has now found a new partner he wishes to marry. We (me 31, my brothers 34, 23 and 23) are all happy for him to get married and we really like his partner so we were excited about the news.
However, we also knew that my dad could not legally re-marry if the estate has not been divided or he has made some sort of other agreement with us.
We waited for him to make a decision on what he would like to happen with the inheritance.
For unknown reasons my dad, although proposing to his partner a year ago, just now decided to write a message to us on what he wants to happen. This is under two months before the wedding. In short, he writes that it is almost time for him to get married so it is now time for us to give up our mom’s inheritance so he can get married without dividing the estate and giving us our inheritance.
In the same message, he mentions that he will make sure to put aside the value of the inheritance in his testament so we can get it when he passes away. This would lead to more money in the long run.
We are not opposed to an agreement, but he never once sat us down to talk to us about what we would like to do and whether we would like to give up our right to our mom’s inheritance or not.
He made the decision and dropped it on us two months before his wedding, giving us almost no time to seek legal counsel or think the decision through.
But my brothers and I contacted a lawyer very quickly to talk about what the best decision would be.
The lawyer mentions, that in order for this to be a fair deal, we would need to make conditions and also of course see the testament in which the agreement has been written and approved.
We let our dad know the day after he sent us the proposition that it might work, but we will have to sit down with a lawyer as a family and look over the testament to make sure all parties are making an informed decision.
My dad responds, that he does not have the time to complete his testament before the wedding. But we insist that at the very least we need to see the document where this deal is written before we give him complete control over our mom’s inheritance for us.
He replies: “well I do not have the money to divide the estate and give you the inheritance right now. I guess I can sell the house and take a loan if that is what you want me to do – a house I’ve slaved away for years to buy.
I’m an honest man and always have been but I can see that my own kids don’t trust me. I guess I’ll call off the wedding because I can’t afford to get married now.”
So, am I the jerk because my dad can’t get married because of me and my brothers?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is on your dad, and he knows it. He knew he needed to do this, and he didn’t give himself enough time. Oh well. That’s his fault, not yours. You acted swiftly when given notice and got your side of the affair in order.
It’s not your fault he didn’t leave himself enough time to do his side. Part of me wonders if this was genuinely an oversight, or if he intentionally left it to the last minute hoping that he would be able to guilt trip you into agreeing to whatever.
Especially with the revelation that he does not have the ability to divide the estate. If there was only one option, then he should have been prepared for that. Is the partner younger? One wonders if she expects to outlive him, and may be pushing for the estate to remain undivided so she can try to claim a portion of the entire estate after he passes.” CrewelSummer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His springing this on you all and then acting all offended when you don’t blindly agree, and instead insist on speaking to a lawyer as a family is galling. It’s not your fault that he waited until 2 months before his wedding to try to figure the out and make a demand on his adult children without speaking to you all first. If he can’t make time to put together a meeting with a lawyer with his children then, again, that’s not your fault.
If he interprets all of this as not being able to get married at all…. again, very much not your fault.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad is the jerk here. He knew full well it wasn’t going to work unless he just railroaded you into giving up all of your inheritance.
The minute he decided he wanted to marry her, he should have consulted an attorney and gotten the information on how to proceed with the estate in a way that did not short anyone out on their share. I’d bet that your Mom and Dad had a very clear discussion about what was to happen in the event that one of them passed before the other.
He chose to play dumb. But I doubt he is unaware of the laws that stand. After all, it does affect the rest of his retirement years. (He’s not wrong about that.)” SubjectBuilder3793
19. AITJ For Changing The Channel While My Partner Naps?
“My partner works early mornings (5-6 am). I work 7-3 or 8-4 most days.
So when he comes home he eats and showers, and watches TV til I get home. Then he puts on the news and takes a nap in the living room. He claims the news helps him sleep.
I’ve asked him to nap in the bedroom but he said he’ll sleep too long if he naps in there.
I’ve gone into the bedroom to watch TV while he naps. He said, “it’s lazy to lay in bed in the middle of the day” (5-6 pm isn’t the middle of the day).
So after he falls asleep I turn the channel to something that’s not news since I hate watching the news for multiple reasons.
Lately, when he wakes up he complains that I turned the news off and “disrupted his nap”. This has happened several times in the last few weeks. It’s actually become an argument a few times.
Today he fell asleep and I turned on Young Sheldon.
He woke up and started complaining that “that stupid show woke him up”.
I said, “you can’t honestly expect me to just sit here and watch the news when you’re sound asleep.” He said, “yea why not?”
He puts the news on at night too “so he can fall asleep” and in the morning while we’re getting ready for work.
So it’s news, news, news all the time.
AITJ for turning off the news when my partner naps, even though he uses it as a way to sleep?”
Another User Comments:
“He might be sensitive to sounds while sleeping. The news is one tone and whatever you change it to is another tone.
My partner has an issue like that or if it is brighter he wakes up. But you’re NTJ because he is being dramatic over it. He should be taking his nap in a bedroom because that’s where sleeping should occur. He can watch his news and sleep.” lil-peanutbutter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Given that you aren’t turning it on to something loud, of course. (War movies, heavy metal). Turn the volume down a few notches after he falls asleep and it shouldn’t wake him up. And tell him to get bent if he has an issue about you laying in bed while he’s literally napping in a common area/shared space.” LenoreSkellington
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But this doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship. It sounds like he feels like he’s in charge of everything and you just walk on eggshells around him. This is something to REALLY talk about. You don’t want news on all the time.
Half the TV should be your time. You can watch shows in bed, and he better not comment on it. If he wants to take a nap, he can’t do it in a shared space. He honestly sounds like the kind of roommate where everyone else has kicked him out from every place he’s ever lived.” crystallz2000
18. AITJ For Calling Out My Sister's Selective Caregiving In Front Of Her Friends?
“My sister and I (20s) live together. I’ve been in bed with flu all week (which she gave to me). When she was sick I cared for her, cooked, brought tea, checked in, etc. She hasn’t done the same for me, but I chalked it up to her still recovering – and honestly didn’t mind.
Today she has a few friends over, and it’s a 180 change: she’s super nice, made chicken soup and really went out of her way to care for me. I went through the living room to get some more medicine, and her friends said “you are so lucky that your sister cares for you so well when you’re sick”.
So I joked back: “clearly you guys should come over more when I’m sick!”
My sister’s friend asked what I meant, and here is where I may have crossed into jerk territory…. I said that my sister hasn’t been taking care of me at all this week, and is only doing it now to look good for them.
Obviously, my sister got mad and I am just too sick to deal with it right now so got the medicine and am again back in bed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Personally, I have a bit of distaste towards those who lie about themselves so blatantly to seem like they are an amazing person.
She’s only mad because she was called out for her lies and her friends saw a glimpse as to who she really is when they are not around.” UnlovedMiddleChild
Another User Comments:
“I have a twin sister exactly like yours. I have always been the kind one going out of my way to brighten her day…and others….and she never lifts a finger.
She is a very narcissistic selfish human being. And gigiou812 is right, don’t expect others to treat you the way you treat them, you will be disappointed a lot in life. I wish I would have learned that in my younger years. I’m 35 now and I only just accepted it in the past 5 years.
Just keep being a kind and caring person, the person you are happy to be. There are people out there who will surprise you and go out of their way to be kind, but most will not sadly. But I find that when you are kind and make others feel special, it makes you feel good too, and that’s what counts.” Sugarbooger811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I do think you could have maybe chosen a different time to confront her about it because now she might use this situation against you. Maybe a different approach like, “yeah I really appreciate it when she takes care of me like this” might’ve been more efficient in her continuing the behavior even when her friends are gone.
Then again, you’re both adults so she should’ve known better and not used you as a way to make herself better. You have a right to be frustrated.” Legitimate_Attorney3
17. AITJ For Defending My Partner From My Mom's Insensitivity?
“My (25 M) partner (24) has Aspergers. One huge thing my partner can’t handle is loud noises, it’s just not something she can handle as well as other things.
So when my mom said she wanted to invite all of us to the theater to see Sonic 2 last night, I informed my mom that my partner wouldn’t be coming because you know the theater and an action movie = super loud noises. So for my partner’s comfort, she stayed home.
I show up to the theater to meet my family, and my mom asks where my partner was and I reminded her that I already told her that my partner wasn’t coming. She threw a tantrum basically because she brought a ticket for my partner.
I told her that I was sorry and gave her the 14 dollars back for the ticket. However, she kept harping on the fact that it was disrespectful for my partner not to come (my entire family knows that my partner has aspergers by the way).
She just kept complaining about it and really brought everyone’s mood down.
After the movie, my dad invited everyone out to eat, I declined because my mom was still making comments about my partner being ungrateful. I went home and my mom sent me a voice message telling me how terrible and disrespectful my partner and I were and that she isn’t going to invite us anywhere anymore, and I told her that she was being ridiculous and that there was no reason for her to act like that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and honestly, it has nothing whatsoever to do with your partner having Asperger’s (and I say that as an autistic person). Even if she didn’t, and she just didn’t WANT to go, your partner is a grown 24-year-old woman and as has often been noted, “an invitation is not a summons”.
Your mum is not only a jerk but incredibly immature and rude. Just because she invited someone to the movies doesn’t mean that they’re required to go or that they’re “disrespectful” if they don’t. And the fact that she bought a ticket is irrelevant since you told her in advance that your partner wasn’t coming .
. . she just chose not to listen. That’s her problem and her responsibility, not yours, your partner’s or anyone else’s. Frankly, I don’t know a lot of 24-year-olds who WOULD want to go see a cartoon children’s movie with their partner’s parents, under any circumstances, sensory issues or not.
So again, your partner’s noise aversion may have been her explanation, but it’s also irrelevant. Your mum was a jerk for thinking that her inviting someone means they’re required to show up. You are NTJ for letting her know that that’s ridiculous.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother needs to be reminded that an invitation is not a summons. Inviting somebody doesn’t mean that they are obligated to attend. You communicated well beforehand, your mother didn’t listen, and then you even took the extra non-essential step of paying her back for the unused ticket (despite that really not being necessary).
All in all, your mother is 100% in the wrong. I would recommend taking a break from going anywhere with your mother, at least for a while. She’s irrational and entitled, and you and your partner deserve to be treated a lot better than this.” prosaicchickenmom
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This seems as if the whole “can’t do loud noises/Asperger’s” thing isn’t piercing the void. I think, if it were me, the conversation with Mom would go something like this:
Mom: 1st complaint about partner not showing up.
OP: “Mom?
Do you understand what Asperger’s is? (pulls up website on phone), here, read the medical information.”
Mom: Continues to complain, doesn’t look at information.
OP: MOM! Read the information, or I can explain it to you again. What is it that you’re not hearing here?
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Mom: continues to gripe long after missed movie with partner.
OP: No contact.” Reddit User
16. AITJ For Letting My Criticizing Daughter Finish Cooking?
“My wife and I have three children together, Sandy (17F), Mark (15M), and Tyler (12M).
I am generally the cook in the family. I’m not an excellent one, but I can pass off for the most part.
Sandy is a very smart and very outspoken young woman, and she’s been watching a lot of cooking channels on TV and decided to impart her wisdom to me – nothing I was doing was right. My cutting technique was off (and apparently I was using bad knives in the first place), I was using too much seasoning and not using proper techniques in pretty much anything.
I’ll be the first to admit I was in a bad mood that day so my fuse was a little shorter than usual. After my daughter decided to tell me that she could do so much better than me, I gave up and told her that she could finish if she knew so much and left the room.
I will say the way I acted was childish but I do not think I am the jerk in this situation because I was just trying to make a nice meal and my daughter was criticizing me at every move. But my wife and daughter both agree that I was a jerk and acting very childish and petty.
Our sons offer no comment.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t profess to be Gordon Ramsay. I am an excellent home cook, however, I am not as professional or elegant as a lifelong professionally trained chef when it comes to chopping and other skills. If my teen decided to be an armchair critic, I would have certainly sent her away with a flea in her ear.
She’s old enough to know that her behavior was rude and insulting.” Traditional-Rabbit90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everyone wants to say “oh well you could have done __ instead of walking away childishly” should try and think back to a time when someone was insulting them to the point of frustration and how hard it is to not say something snotty or flippant in return.
She is 17. She should know better than to criticize when it is unwanted and unnecessary. She’s almost an adult, and that kind of behavior is unacceptable. In the real world it will get her fired, cause her to lose friends, and will not do her any favors.
Unwanted, know-it-all, criticism is incredibly rude. And if she’s so convinced she’s the next Gordon Ramsay or Rachael Ray she can put her money where her mouth is and do it herself.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My sister married a man with 3 daughters (he had full custody).
A few years after they were married, when the girls were all teenagers, they decided they hated everything she put on the table. After a few days of this, my sister was disgusted and told me to have dinner ready for her for the next week and not to eat at their house.
She proceeded to burn everything BLACK. Her husband screamed at her after 3 days that he couldn’t eat this burned stuff as she was walking out the door with me. She screamed back then start cooking. He cooked for the next 17 years. Lesson: Never insult the cook.” MaryAnne0601
15. AITJ For Publicly Calling Out A Child Who Stole From My Planters?
“I have moss planters that I set outside every day for a few hours in the morning sun and the evening sun, as well as another plant that is a fairy garden. They all have some kind of semi-precious stone in them. I usually leave my door open.
Due to sand getting picked up in my area yesterday, I had my door shut, but I was checking on my planters every 10-30 minutes making sure their dirt stayed moist.
Well, yesterday, a kid 10-12 years old came by and asked if we had a chore he could do for a few bucks.
My husband told him no, that we had already taken care of our chores. Not 10 minutes before that I had checked my plants to see if they were still moist.
After the kid left I asked my husband to look at my plants, because I had an odd feeling.
My fairy garden planter had a bunch the plants uprooted from where they had been growing over this large piece of selenite. And my smallest planter had been knocked over.
My husband made a post on social media, that called the kid out by first name as well as his mother.
It read like this (changing names), “Hey, if you have a son named Donny and your name is Suzy, your child is a thief and a vandal.
Your kid stole 60 dollars worth of gems out of my wife’s planters and destroyed a planter. If anyone knows who this is I want to speak to his mother.”
Less than 3 hours later his mother PMs my husband and brings back the spire. That’s the stone we wanted back the most, it was a gift that came in a pair.
Are we the jerk for posting that message on social media worded like that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is how kids learn about consequences, and parents learn to parent their kids even when they aren’t around. Healing the harm (returning the stolen item) is the first step to moving on. Without the post, the mom might not have known who to return the stolen spire to.
Hopefully, the mosses regrow and weren’t super damaged.” ScreamingSicada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I mean the kid stole – you don’t get to pick your own consequences. However, if you knew the mother it would have been much more polite and tolerant to just contact the mother directly.
The public shaming and the passive-aggressive “if your name is X, with a son named X” is pretty cringe.” Lilz602
Another User Comments:
“I am not sure which judgment to give. You were pretty aggressive in your post and maybe should’ve tried reaching out to the mother first, but I also understand your point of view, also you might’ve not found the mother’s account.
For the kid and mother, there are quite a few possible scenarios. 1. The whole plan was the kid’s idea (possibly with the mother not knowing of it), the mother found out and gave back the plant 2. It was the mother’s and kid’s idea and after they got publicly busted, they gave the stuff back 3.
The mother instructed her kid to do that, giving it back after getting busted 4. The kid needed money, and after he couldn’t do chores he decided to try and steal the plant to sell it. Since the motivations of mother and kid are unknown and the mother gave the plant back immediately, I’ll go with Everyone’s a Jerk Here/NTJ.” swxttie
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend Who Insulted My Partner's Daughter?
“I (24F) have been seeing this guy (27M) for two years and he has a (6F) daughter. I love him and her and I’m very happy to have met them.
I was hanging out with some of my friends at my house when the topic of my partner came up.
One of my friends said “you don’t seem like the used product type, especially when you have better options.” I asked what she meant and she said that his daughter took good intimacy off the table and that even if his daughter started calling me mama sometimes she’s still another woman’s leftovers so it’s weird that I’m ok with that.
I was livid, this man and his daughter considered me part of the family and I couldn’t wait to be her mother. I yelled at my friend that she needed to get out now, she said no so I grabbed her phone and threw it out of my home along with her purse.
She went out to grab them and I locked her out. My friends said that maybe that was too far and I think they might have a point. I may have overreacted. AITJ for doing this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Someone who calls a child a woman’s leftovers is a jerk.
Gosh, what a cruel person. However, by her own logic, everyone with a past relationship is a leftover. The difference is that a child is “proof” of a past relationship. This woman is not a friend and not a human being, she is a walking red flag.
Bet she expects every new date to delete everything from the ex, get rid of past gifts, probably change their name just in case.” Quicksilver1964
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If anything you underreacted. The minute she said no was the minute you should’ve called the cops.
No one has the right to say no to leaving. Kudos for throwing her stuff outside effectively taking out the trash. Your “friends” who say you took it too far are not your friends. They should be just as angry and disgusted as we are about the comments made.
BTW good intimacy is what you decide is good.” Funnybunnyhunny1979
Another User Comments:
“Hmmm. I think you could’ve handled it better but I also think your ex-friend is gross for calling a kid leftovers. We are not perfect people in this world and I think you were just genuinely hurt, angered, and probably a bit disgusted that someone could even think those things let alone say them.
I would personally never tell someone to be with someone who already has a kid because it’s very complicated. However it is working for you, there is love and understanding. NTJ.” WoofingtonSpiff
13. AITJ For Reminding My ADHD Coworker To Eat Lunch?
“I have known Ami, 32, since my second year in college. We went to the same company afterward. She actually attended my wedding last year.
Ami has severe ADHD and often forgets to eat lunch. If she forgets, she often gets irritable around 2 pm.
She can get short with people if this happens. She’s now the head of our IT department while I now work in client services. I noticed Ami had a meeting and I saw her in the break room grabbing a snack out of the vending machine.
I told her she really needs to eat a proper lunch because that meeting is going to be a pain in the rear for everyone. I asked her if she had taken her lunch yet and she said no. Told her to hold up and let’s go get something together just to make sure she eats properly.
I was getting my purse and a new coworker said I was triggering her eating disorder and I had no reason to police what other coworkers can and can’t eat. I ignored the comment and headed out with Amy to lunch. A few days later I received a message from HR that I had to take a sensitivity class or face disciplinary action because I was being insensitive to another coworker about her medical disability.
Honestly, a “WTF” feeling came over me and HR acted like I was the biggest jerk in the world and they said I was infantilizing Ami. Ami even had to make a statement to HR. We were told to set our friendship aside at work and be more inclusive to everyone.”
Another User Comments:
“Surely Ami can be classed as having a medical disability? ADHD is debilitating. Eating is extremely important. Lack of food affects the dopamine cycle, thereby exacerbating the ADHD symptoms in some people. Not to mention irritability, etc. ADHD medication can seriously affect appetite, so it’s important to watch out for people on ADHD meds.
I have really bad ADHD. I set alarms on my phone to remind me to eat. When I started meds I ended up spending a few weeks on the sofa because I wasn’t physically able to get off – my appetite was so suppressed I think I probably only ate one half meal a day.
Accidentally. And ended up being stuck on a sofa eating rice cakes and takeaway noodles to get a load of carbs into my system so I could function again. If someone can complain that you’re being ableist then helping Amy with eating, you and Amy can complain that you’re putting Amy in a dangerous situation by ignoring her disability.
Seriously – see if you and Amy can lodge a counter-complaint. NTJ.” Bruiscear
Another User Comments:
“So I admittedly don’t have an ADHD diagnosis yet (pending a psychoeducational assessment), but my doctors go ahead and treat me as if I do. I respond very well to ADHD medication and take it regularly.
And yep, those meds suppress my appetite quite a bit, and I forget to eat. Once I actually got quite ill because I forgot to eat or drink water for so long. My coworker has (diagnosed) ADHD and is also medicated for it, and once we grew close enough to talk about it openly, we fell into a friendly habit of reminding each other when we’re hyperfocused and/or haven’t eaten, drank water, taken a break, etc. in a long while.
It’s a sweet and supportive rapport to have. I feel like ignoring this stuff is sorta like being “color blind” as a means of approaching racism. The fact of the matter is that people are different. I am not neurotypical. Some of my coworkers aren’t either.
And I’m okay with that. We’re all lovely people, and that’s what matters. Coworkers who take the time to think about me and remind me to take care of myself because they know I’m likely to forget is… Delightful. Welcoming. Inclusive. Makes me feel like my differences are normal and okay, and that they have my back.
I think you did a nice thing, and your coworker is being a self-centered tool. NTJ.” Motor_Crow4482
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, as a fellow person with ADHD, my friends and family sometimes give me reminders to do x or do y. Your new coworker took it upon herself to willfully misconstrue the situation in order to get upset about it.
If I were Ami I would have countered back with something along the lines of: HR not allowing you to remind me (Ami) would be discrimination against my disability, and then just watch their heads spin. If your new coworker wants to weaponize her disability then Ami can too.
(To be clear I sympathize with the coworker, but the world can’t cater to her in every regard. Especially when her request is at the detriment of someone else).” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Refusing To Dye My Two-Toned Hair For My Formal Office Job?
“I recently got a job as a receptionist in an office which is very formal in nature, they handle mostly legal stuff.
When I had my job interview I had two-toned hair (pink and purple) and was advised to dye it as the owner of the office is old-fashioned and wouldn’t like it.
I didn’t dye my hair that day, I decided to wait until my boss told me about it, what I did do was order a wig from Shein in case there was an issue.
After my first two weeks, I was told my boss didn’t mind my hair, but his daughter (basically vice president) didn’t like it, and I was told to dye it and I had a week to do so. I didn’t do it.
After talking to my family about it, everyone but my mom agreed that I shouldn’t dye it, as it’s ridiculous that they ask me to do that. My mom says I should play by their rules and if I shouldn’t be so stubborn about something so ridiculous like hair.
I have several issues with dyeing my hair, the first being I just don’t want to, it seems like all the money I spent and the damage my hair endured would be for nothing if just dyed it back to black after it took me so long to get rid of the black.
Second, my hair is in an extremely fragile state, getting rid of the pink and purple and dyeing it dark would completely demolish my hair, and I would have to cut it super short (along my jawline). Third, the only person who has an issue with my hair is one who barely comes around in the office, and fourth, the wig looks just fine.
Yet my mother insists I’m being ridiculous and stubborn, that I should just dye my hair and stop being silly, it’s not a big deal and I should just abide by what they tell me, and she’s so insistent that sometimes I think maybe she might be right, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know. I’m torn. On the one hand, obviously it’s just hair and it shouldn’t matter at all, on the other you say yourself that it’s a very formal legal office, and you are the receptionist, which means you are the first representative of this firm that clients meet.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a company to want their receptionists to project whatever image they think should be representative of their business, as long as they’re not being racist or something. So I’m leaning towards no jerks here. Maybe that’s just not the place for you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“INFO: What was your answer when in the interview they told you that you should dye your hair a natural color? Was this really advice, or a request? Look, an employer cannot demand you to alter your physical appearance, but they are entitled to hire people whose image matches their company standards… within a certain range (because discrimination is of course illegal).
I don’t think your mother is making a good point as to why you should dye your hair (the whole “being stubborn” thing). But I’ll hold my vote as to whether you’re the jerk or not until I know more about the circumstances in which your hair color was considered when you got hired.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you might be unemployed. When you are in a public-facing position, you represent the company. There are people, fair or not, who will judge you (and by proxy, your company) by your appearance). It is entirely possible that people will see your hair, and decide that your company isn’t “serious” (which will cost them money).
The “one” person, is the vice president of the company. You were told in the interview that you would probably have to “do something about it.” On a side note, because some people are saying “go to HR”. HR works for the company and protects ITS interest, not yours, this is especially true in a family business.
Personally, I think the wig, as long as it is professional, should be a good compromise; but the company will be within its rights to terminate your employment if you do not conform to what they deem a “professional appearance.”” Himkano
11. AITJ For Not Wanting My Overbearing Mother-In-Law To Visit My Home?
“I (F33) love my mother-in-law and she has done so much for me since I started seeing her son. She took care of me for a month when I was pregnant, came to all my prenatal classes, traveled with my family so I could study, etc. The double-edged sword is that the way she shows “love” is by helping and on one hand it’s from love but on another it is a form of control.
Her kids never grew up with any privacy, she threw out their stuff when she thought it was dirty, etc. She admits that she cleans her house in order to get a sense of control. Growing up my husband felt like his mom cared more about the house than her kids when they had guests over.
Her mother (my mother-in-law’s mother) had mental health issues and my mother-in-law would tell me harrowing tales of how terrible it was when her mom visited because her mom would clean everything and criticize everything.
I took my mother-in-law with a grain of salt but when we bought our house she became out of control when visiting.
She lives 4 hours away and would come over and visit and commandeer the house. She repeatedly went into our room and “organized our closets” and things after multiple times of asking her not to. It got to the point where when she walked through the door when visiting, she washed her hands and immediately grabbed a cloth and started cleaning.
Now my father-in-law passed away earlier this year and we had a horrible mold issue so we had to do some construction. Our house was in disarray – 2 kids under 5, my husband is grieving and I am starting my career and had a huge keynote address.
She offered to come over but then flipped out at us, had almost a mental breakdown and said we were filthy, disgusting, and that Child Protective Services would come and take the kids away (because there were boxes of moldy stuff I left outside because I need to throw them out – where did she want me to put them, in the house where our son has mold-induced asthma?) Our house was very untidy but it was clean, dishes, clothes, bathroom, etc. I pretty much felt so ashamed that I kept apologizing to guests when they visited after her – and none of them could figure out what was wrong with the house.
Now my mom is coming to stay with us and my mother-in-law said to her she’d love to come over and help my mom “fix the house”. My mother-in-law mentioned coming over soon and I told her that the house was not ready since the basement is being reconstructed and that we could visit or figure something out.
AITJ for not letting my grieving mother-in-law visit? I’m terrified that she is grieving, needs some sort of control and a distraction, and that my “untidy” house will become that for her. We will be her “project”. She has no boundaries whatsoever, opens every single item in our home, and is nosy and to her rearranging my undergarments drawer is the same as washing dishes.
(She used to open my mail when I stayed at her house!)
My husband knows his mom has an issue but feels like I should just let her come. AITJ for refusing, though I love and appreciate her?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ, your mother-in-law is running roughshod over your privacy.
Your guiding mantra here should be “it’s not actually help if it’s not helping me.” While your mother-in-law may be great in other ways, her cleaning your house is all about her needs and her compulsions; actual “help” shouldn’t make you miserable. So what to do about it?
Your husband is so acclimated to the weirdness that I think he won’t step up except in extreme cases like the personal item. Your MIL’s reaction to that confrontation shows that she knows what she’s doing is weird and doesn’t like being faced with the truth.
If I were you, I’d try to meet up with her outside the house (parks, restaurants, outings, etc.) to avoid the issue, and is there some way that you can get locks on your bedroom doors? Locks would force mother-in-law to ask for entry, which gives you a great opportunity to look surprised/confused and say “why would you need to go into that room?” followed by (if she insists) “oh, we like it the way that it is.
Anyway, we’re all hanging out (in other room). Didn’t you come to see us?”
Even without the locks I still recommend the surprised/confused reaction and joking-not-joking comments like “Wow, mother-in-law, do I have to start hiding my mail?” to call attention to the behavior.
Maybe you could even try hiding all your cleaning products before she comes over so she can’t just get started on her crazy business. Good luck!” nylor504
Another User Comments:
“NTJ however just because someone believes they are helping that doesn’t mean they are.
Her doing this is invasive, rude, and actively causes you stress. It gave your SO trauma when he was a child. Why on earth would you let her cause your family trauma now? You guys are adults. You don’t have to let someone do whatever they want in your own home just because they want to.
That’s not being polite, helping her grieve, and is in fact actually doing damage to your family. She basically threatened you with CPS! You don’t have to allow someone to terrorize you in your own home because they are family. Again you are adults.
Tell her no to coming over because your house is fine. If she can’t come over and act like a polite guest who isn’t being bonkers by going through your stuff then she isn’t someone who is stable enough to be around other humans.
It’s okay to be blunt about asking someone to remember basic manners and that all houses are not their house to do with as they wish.” Huskiesareinsane
Another User Comments:
“This is a tough one. Definitely both are jerks. I have a feeling the folks on here are going to tell you to not only not let her come but to cut her off and go no contact, or something.
Personal autonomy is such a trend right now it’s being taken to the extreme. I’m not going to tell you that you need to let her come over and do whatever she wants. There needs to be boundaries and she needs to understand that before she comes.
And worst case, get a lock for your bedroom lol But on the other hand, you named several times she was there for you and this is a terrible time in her life where she desperately needs you. Think of a project she can help you with in the house, such as cleaning up/reorganizing the kitchen (or one of the places you mentioned was untidy).
Create a project for her to do and lock up the rest of the house. You can do this for her.” DogRescueLady
10. AITJ For Only Buying Ice Cream For My Sister And Not The Other Kids I Was Looking After?
“We went to a park with my extended family. My (F17) sister (F4) asked me to take her to the playground which was far away from where we were sitting.
I decided to take her but as we wanted to leave all my aunts and uncles started to ask me to take their kids as well (which would be about 7 kids in total with the youngest being my sister and the oldest being 9 years old).
I told them I don’t want to look after that many kids but they assured me that I have no responsibility other than taking them there and staying with them to make sure they don’t get lost.
I took them and everything was fine until my sister asked me for an ice cream.
I didn’t have enough money to buy for everyone so I bought two for me and her. The other kids asked me for an ice cream but I told them I couldn’t buy it and told them to just keep playing and their parents would buy it for them when we got back.
After we went back they started complaining to their parents and they all berated me. I don’t think I was obligated to buy them ice creams because I wasn’t even getting paid. They said I’m a jerk and I will never babysit again (Yay). AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family was taking advantage of you and now they’ll be hesitant to do that again. I think there’s a fair point to not buying for one kid in front of others but the issue wasn’t you, it was that the parents weren’t there and should have been.
You told them no, and besides that, they were playing on a hot day — something could have happened and it sounds like you were watching too many kids to handle an emergency if you needed to.” QueenYeen
Another User Comments:
“While I definitely don’t think you’re a jerk and your aunts/uncles shouldn’t have expected you to take care of their kids, I do think the ice cream thing was a bit not nice.
You didn’t punish the parents you punished the kids. The oldest was 9 (which is still quite young) and obviously, they were going to want an ice cream. If you didn’t want to take them to the park you should have said no and stuck to it instead you thought screw those kids my sister and I can have an ice cream I didn’t even want to bring you in the first place.
You punished children for the parents asking and you not having the backbone to say no and enforce it. It just seems a bit petty to me and I agree that it’s a bit mean to take your frustration out on children that didn’t really know any better.” Sad-Tell3952
Another User Comments:
“Yes, of course you were not obliged to buy ice cream for everyone, yet going ahead to buy some for only a few of your group is terrible manners and also an imprudent move. The kids who were excluded will never forget your casual indifference to them.
Nor will they be well disposed towards either you or your sister moving forward as a result. So you would have been far better off not buying any ice cream at all in that moment, or until you were on your own with your sister.
As to the question of whether you should have been forced to look after these children on the playground, I think it is quite distinct from that of the ice cream. It isn’t their fault that their parents pawned them off on you so it should not be taken into consideration at all in relation to your post. Soft YTJ because you are underage yourself so can’t necessarily be expected to know better.
Follow the golden rule and you should be fine in most situations.” Electrical_Turn7
9. AITJ For Defending My Sister-In-Law's Right To Use The Word 'Lesbian' In Front Of Kids?
“My husband “Eric’s” sister “Steph” is a very strict mom to boys aged 5&7. She invited their other brother “John” and his wife “Mary” over for dinner. Mary was talking about a TV show and mentioned that a certain actress is a Lesbian.
Steph shushed Mary and chastised her, saying “don’t say the word Lesbian in front of my kids!”
The way my husband was telling me the story was sympathetic to Steph, like Mary committed some heinous act. Everyone in the family always talks badly about Mary, that she’s materialistic and posts too many pictures on social media etc, and I never get involved but this time I spoke up and said that Mary did nothing wrong and I feel bad for her because the family is always against her, and there’s nothing wrong with saying Lesbian, the kids shouldn’t be raised in a Disney bubble.
Now my husband is mad at me that I’m not siding with his preferred family members. To be clear, they all live in another country that’s more ‘conservative’ about LGBT lifestyles, and it isn’t seen openly nearly as much as here. For years, my husband and I have had plans to retire there, but now I’m thinking that I might not want to live there and be around people like that.
AITJ for getting involved and stating my opinion against the majority of the family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The word lesbian is not a swear. By insinuating that it is and banning the word, Steph is implying that being gay is wrong or bad. Reminds me of all the people out there freaking out about the kissing scene in Lightyear.
As if having two characters kiss in a cartoon is bad… News flash, people…. There’s been kissing scenes in cartoons since the days of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty!!! Just because the characters are gay doesn’t mean anyone is pushing an agenda onto your kids and it’s certainly not “inappropriate.”” SigSauerPower320
Another User Comments:
“Grew up in a conservative home, no TV even. One day in sixth grade, a group of girls started bullying a friend of mine at recess and calling her a lesbian. She was crying. I had no idea what the word meant or why she was upset, but I jumped up to defend her and yelled, “She’s not a lesbian!” which only made everyone laugh.
When I got home, I told my mom about this. My mom explained that it was a “gross word” and that being a lesbian was a really bad thing, without even explaining what it meant. She called my friend’s parents. My friend hadn’t mentioned the incident to her parents and got embarrassed and angry at me and ended the friendship.
It took me years to realize that lesbian was not a bad word. I think kids are much better off knowing what words mean.” kragkat
Another User Comments:
“Personally I wouldn’t want to marry into this family, but then again, I’m a gay trans man.
NTJ at all, that’s genuine allyship – it often happens behind closed doors, with the people we love the most, and that’s the kind of support and education that takes the most bravery. Keep standing your ground. And tell Mary that you’re happy she said that, message her or something.
Constantly being shut down by family can be incredibly tough, but you’ve married into this family, and that means you can be the family she deserves. Let her know you appreciate her and that you think people are harsh on her. She’ll likely feel way less alone and probably have a “god I’m not crazy after all” moment.” CoffeeBooksCookies
8. AITJ For Enforcing A Property Line Agreement With My Neighbors?
“I bought a house in a city almost 2 years ago. There’s a little “alley” between one neighbor and our house, about 6-7 ft wide. When the property survey was done, we learned that behind the neighbors’ locked gate that blocks the alley, the neighbors put a bunch of stuff (including multiple plastic sheds) against our house.
Per the survey, we learned we actually had a little over 3 feet of that alley. I’m an attorney, with experience in insurance and coverage defense, so I asked our attorney to write something up. Our attorney drafted a property line agreement, which follows the property, confirming our property included ~3 ft off our house/of the alley.
The seller and neighbors both signed the agreement, which was reviewed by their respective attorneys.
During escrow, our attorney and neighbors’ attorney also discussed trying to move their property off our property prior to closing. Allegedly, neighbors were unable to do this because they just had a baby.
We said fine, given we had the signed agreement. We also offered on numerous occasions to help move the sheds (e.g., there’s water damage to the windows facing the alley which we haven’t been able to investigate due to the locked gate blocking the shared alley and advised neighbors their stuff would have to be moved).
Almost 2 years after closing, we scheduled an HVAC company to install a heat pump. The compressor was planned to be installed in the alley but only be on our ~3ft of the alley.
As soon as we scheduled the installation, we told the neighbors they would need to move their stuff because of the compressor.
Which was about 3 weeks’ notice. We later clarified that we are enforcing the agreement they signed given it’s been almost 2 years and nothing has been moved. They even added a 3rd plastic shed.
Last night around 8 PM, nothing had been moved. I sent a reminder text to neighbors that installers were coming in less than 12 hrs.
The neighbors sent aggressive messages back basically telling us that they’ve “always” had their stuff against our house; if they say they’re going to do something they will and we need to stop nagging them; we don’t understand because we don’t have kids; etc. (Their kid also shoved a plastic Easter egg in our furnace’s intake, which he would have had to walk onto our front lawn to access, this past spring.)
Installers are finalizing things but just want to know AITJ for enforcing our property rights.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, retired Land Surveyor here. Your only mistake was not enforcement of the agreement immediately after being signed. Not sure where you live, but that agreement seems redundant to me, the deed and the plat, along with the stamped survey should have been enough.
Here is why you should have enforced that agreement immediately. Because you created a situation where they may be able to claim prescriptive rights easement. In my state, it’s a 5 year period, continuous and uninterrupted, notorious and open, hostile use. You are an attorney, I don’t have to explain to you the legal meaning of those conditions.
judging from what you wrote, all three conditions are met, with the exception of the 4th, the time element.” Solrackai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to get the cops involved if they won’t move their stuff. If you let it go for too long, they can LEGALLY take claim of the property (squatter’s rights?) (as others have said: adverse possession).
Basically, if you let them treat it like their property, it can become theirs. Tell them you’re about to get the police involved. If that doesn’t light a fire under them to move it out, then call the cops.” letsdoitforthememes
Another User Comments:
“They need a consequence, behavior that’s allowed will be continued. You have given them plenty of time and not only have they not removed their stuff but they added another shed. They don’t take you seriously because you haven’t given them a consequence.
Have their crap professionally removed and send them the bill. Give them 30 days to pay it, if they don’t take them to civil court. Stop texting them and take action.” NickelPickle2018
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive My Sick Mom To Her Chemo Appointments?
“My mom (42f) was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, and needs to get chemotherapy + acupuncture at a medical facility that is nearly 150 miles away, and the drive is about 3 hours. I (16f) just got my provisional license, and my mom has suggested that I be the one to drive her.
If the drive was mostly on the freeway/highway I would be happy to do so, but what worries me is that in order to get onto the main road, I’ll have to drive on a curvy, narrow mountain road that is notorious for accidents.
I have driven on this road before, but never at night. Because my mom has to spend 2+ hours in chemo and the drive is so long, it will be dark out when we are coming back. I just feel like I need more experience driving before I would feel comfortable transporting my mom and myself on this road in particular.
Additionally, my mom is undergoing hormone therapy, which makes her very drowsy, and I don’t think she would be capable of taking over the wheel if something happened while on the road. When I told her I wasn’t sure I felt comfortable driving on that road, she told me I was being selfish and brushed off my concerns.
We have neighbors and relatives who live close by and are more than willing to take her, and I feel that it would be a safer solution. Would it make me the jerk if I refused outright? Should I just take it as a chance for necessary experience and be as cautious/vigilant as possible?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. I spent some time driving an acquaintance to her chemo appointments. There were MANY times that we had to pull over very suddenly so she could get out and vomit. There was absolutely no way that she (or most chemo patients) would have been in any state to supervise a new driver immediately after a chemo infusion, much less on a nervous-making road where there is nowhere to easily pull over, or where you might be distracted if your mum got sick in the car, and even less so driving in the dark/at night.
Your mother needs a responsible adult driver who is confident behind the wheel and not easily distracted. This isn’t about you not wanting to help her, it’s about safety.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Objectively you don’t have enough experience to safely drive twisty roads – especially at night.
There are neighbors and friends who are willing and more capable of performing this specific task. You can help out in other ways as she is going to need plenty of assistance. That means that friends and neighbors who might otherwise do these things will instead take on driving her.
FWIW if she is getting infusions she will generally be hooked up for a while and so she might also be wanting your company so it might be appropriate to go along with the other driver to visit with her while she is actually getting infused.” Jujulabee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and liking some of these suggestions other NTJ posters have made. And I’m so sorry your mom is this sick! No telling what the cancer is doing to her emotions right now; everything must be like a kaleidoscope that just won’t stop shifting around in her head.
Yours, too. Maybe you gather the best suggestions here for learning to drive as a provisional driver, but also make a list of what you can and would like to do to help at home instead of driving her back and forth, like taking over chores, finding food she can stand to eat, and all the rest?
I think it might be a better use of your time to take over chores for those hours and also take on patient support that doesn’t stress you out so much, since you are both under duress right now. I promise that friends and neighbors offering to help are entirely sincere, whether it is to do the drive or to go alone 3 or 4 times to be your provisional’s competent adult in the car.
Having them in the car with you could also help them get a better sense of your mother’s situation and how best they can help. But really, if I were your mom (and I was in a similar situation with my child), I’d want you to focus on schoolwork and use this to get better at some adulting skills like household and nutritional management, plus you may well be up nights while she is sick, or trying to figure out if she’s in a 911 condition or not, or needed to go out and find something she can tolerate eating because chemo for breast cancer can be devastating.
Sending you lots of love and sympathy, by the way.” cadaloz1
6. AITJ For Refusing To Eat Cake At My Godfather's Wedding Due To My Peanut Allergy?
“I’ve (18) been allergic to peanuts since I was a little kid.
However, when I was about 12 years old, I accidentally ate peanuts. Nothing bad happened to me, thankfully. But my allergy got worse and if I ever eat one again I could go into anaphylactic shock and possibly die.
Which brings us to a week ago.
My godfather got married. And it was time to eat the cake.
However, when I got my plate, something looked suspiciously like peanuts. So I asked.
“Uh.. Does it have peanuts?” To which my godfather replied, “I don’t know.”
I didn’t want to risk it so I refused to eat it.
My grandmother got upset. She said I’m a jerk who’s trying to ruin my godfather’s wedding because I hate him. (So, he stopped contacting me when I was 10. He called me once and he seemed intoxicated and was saying incomprehensible stuff. He messaged my sister for her birthday last year, but didn’t for mine, ever.)
My mother seemed to agree with her, two of my aunts also agreed and told me I should eat it to make my godfather happy.
I didn’t.
My mother told me at the end that I should have just eaten a piece, waited, and if I went into anaphylactic shock they would just bring me to the hospital and everything would have been fine (No, I don’t have an EpiPen.) Which she is kind of right, I didn’t really know.
Was I being unreasonable? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know where you live, but as someone who carries an EpiPen, your doctor would be reported where I do. You should have been referred for testing to rule out an anaphylactic response immediately; she absolutely should have written a prescription for an EpiPen on a prophylactic basis just in case in the meantime; and she should have insisted that you get it filled right away.
Peanut allergies are nothing to mess around with.” cicadasinmyears
Another User Comments:
“Sweetheart, you keep excusing your mother but no. Your mother would be my age mid-40s possibly even younger. We’ve had the internet her entire adult life. She should have done research. She should have explained it to your family.
It sounds very much like you are the scapegoat. But let me explain it this way. Your mother has the greater responsibility to you. Given your mum’s likely age ask her if she’s ever seen the movie “My Girl.” If she has she knows exactly what anaphylaxis looks like.
For your grandmother: If they pressured you into eating the cake and it did have peanuts, the fact your grandmother bought it and then forced/pressured you to eat it. Well, she could be looking at a whole host of charges. This is not something that can be excused by oh my mum didn’t know.” AngelsAttitude
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Allergy is a medical condition that usually gets worse with exposure. Especially if that exposure is not in a tested method to reduce it. Basically, your immune system falsely thinks the allergen is an invader and bad for your health. It overreacts and starts to fight the enemy that is not there and the mix-up causes your body to take damage and suffer.
Now what happens when you have a mild reaction and get exposed over and over?! It’s like getting shots. Your immune system starts acting up against it each time and every time it attacks harder and therefore your reactions get worse. Please stay away from peanuts because a peanut allergy can get so bad that if you are in the same room as peanuts you can go into shock.
That’s how much worse it can get if you don’t take it seriously.” Bakecrazy
5. AITJ For Confronting My Doctor Mom After Getting Mental Health Diagnoses She Denied Me?
“My mother is a medical doctor and for as long as I can remember she has told me that there is nothing wrong with me in regard to my mental health, and I was not ever allowed to get professional help.
When I was growing up any time that I had a struggle that was clearly mental health related, my mom would tell me that I was either “making it up” or that I was acting out for attention. Even when I had anxiety attacks so bad that I felt like I couldn’t breathe, or I felt so bad that I didn’t leave my room for days.
Of course, this was all incredibly damaging, and I spent a lot of time wishing that I knew what was wrong with me or wishing I had any form of help. When I would go to my mom, asking to talk to someone because of how I felt, or even just telling her how I felt, she would say that what I was going through was normal for a girl my age and that I just needed to “buck up, buttercup.”
I am now 25, have my first “real” job, my own place, and my first “real” partner that I have been seeing for over a year now. Now that I’m in a place in my life where I have access to my own health insurance and have the resources, I saw multiple psychologists and a psychiatrist I was diagnosed with depression, PMDD, BDD, ADHD, and Autism.
While it was overwhelming to learn all of these things at once, I was relieved to finally be able to seek help, specifically therapy.
I confronted my mom and shared the diagnoses with her, telling her that I felt robbed of help and suffered unnecessarily.
She said that I turned out fine without the help of professionals or medication and that assigning blame to her is pointless. She also said that she was a little upset with me for not trusting her, and that she wished that I didn’t go behind her back (which I did do).
I told her that I don’t really care what she has to say about me anymore, that I am done listening to her and trusting her.
I’ve been told by a couple of family members that I was too harsh on my mom when she was only trying to help me.
But to be honest, I don’t care if her intentions were good, because I could’ve gone much longer having access to help with everything that I have struggled with my whole life.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In truth, your mother should have let other doctors examine you; she was too close to you to make an objective medical decision.
The fact that she was offended that you went to other doctors also tells me that she is not objective in this case; getting a second opinion is a common practice in medicine, and no good doctor would ever discourage you from doing so. It appears to me that she was more concerned with protecting her own reputation than doing what was best for you.
You are right to no longer seek medical advice from her.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s upset that you did not trust her, but she was wrong. You’re a grown adult. You don’t need her permission to take care of yourself, so her saying you went behind her back as if you were still a child is not fair either.
Your family members who claim she was only trying to help need a reminder that she did NOT help you. She did the exact opposite of help- she prevented you from getting necessary diagnoses and much-needed medical care. If they’re still on her side after you explain everything you learned from the doctors once you finally managed to visit one, they don’t deserve to have a relationship with you.
Go low or no contact with mom until she makes an actual effort to redeem herself and earn your trust back.” sparrowhawk75
Another User Comments:
“I was a 25-year-old newlywed when I got my first cartilage piercing. It was something I’d wanted for a long time, and I realized that I could get it without first securing my mother’s approval. It wasn’t that I realized that I was in a position to successfully “go behind her back” as you put it.
I realized that my mother’s back, front, top, bottom, and insides had nothing whatsoever to do with my own body. I’m tempted to say that you already know that you’re NTJ. But I remember what it’s like to have my perception of reality warped by a mother who knows she knows best.
So, to be clear: you absolutely did the correct thing in seeking care. And I hope you bring your feelings about your mother to the professionals who are helping you. They’re going to be instrumental in not only developing strategies for the future but also in addressing the past. And they’re going to be the best ones to advise you as you define the shape of your relationship with your mother.
I hope you establish care with doctors who can be in your life for a while because you get to learn about yourself and grow and it is going to be the best kind of bittersweet. There’s childhood trauma I was sure I had fully processed…until it came back to haunt me upon becoming a parent.
You, too, will be okay until you’re not until you are until you are not until you are. The professionals on this journey with you will help you discern the times when you need more distance from your mother and when you are equipped to get closer—if that’s what you end up wanting!
I now have nine piercings, and my mother is arriving for a visit tomorrow. She’s going to share my daughter’s room, and I’m going to have to tell both of them to pipe down and get some sleep. It’s a process.
We’re not alone.” mariacristinaaa
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother And His Wife At My Wedding Anymore?
“I (30F) am getting married and we decided to do a very small ceremony with immediate family.
We booked a cottage on the water that was located closer to my brother (35M) who is 6 hours away from us and my fiancé’s family who is 5 hours away from us. The cottage would be about a 2 – 2.5 hour drive for them. We chose this location so that it would be easier for all of them since my parents would love to stay with my brother, his wife, and kids for the week and make a trip out of it.
We don’t mind the travel either.
As soon as we booked the cottage, I called my brother and his wife (32F) and she asked for the dates so she could make sure she had the time off. I told her the dates and that the cottage only had 3 bedrooms. My fiancé and I both have separated parents who have remarried. So staying overnight wouldn’t be possible for everyone.
She offered to look into getting an Airbnb close by and have my mom and dad stay with them as well.
This gave me a lot of relief and all seemed to be worked out.
Two weeks later, I was on the phone with my brother and he said “guess what my wife did”.
I asked and he said she booked a vacation out of the country and would come back the day of the ceremony. I asked why she picked dates so close to the wedding and he said apparently it was a really good price. He could hear in my voice that I was a little disappointed and apologized.
She messaged me after saying my brother asked her to talk to me. She then said they would come back the day of the ceremony and would be landing at an airport 6 hours away from the cottage. She told me they could probably still make it.
I am a bit frustrated that she had decided to chance this as the flight could be delayed or canceled and also driving for 6 hours on top of that with 2 small children. I don’t see how they would make it.
My family and friends have all said she would have blocked off the entire week to help out if it were her sibling getting married as weddings are a big thing in her culture.
My parents are upset and feel like this has happened many times where she does not prioritize our side of the family and even ignores calls from them.
I told the family not to say anything because I don’t want everyone to think I’m a bridezilla.
I can’t help but feel sad that they didn’t think it was important enough to make sure they could attend. I now think even if they did come it would bring a lot of negative energy. My fiancé really wants the day to be about us and not focused on this and wondering if they will pop in mid-ceremony or later.
He suggested to just invite the parents. If I exclude my brother and family they would obviously know I was butt hurt and still call me bridezilla to everyone. I also know that my brother is upset as well and really wants to come, but said he can’t do anything about it.
WIBTJ if I uninvited my brother and his family altogether and just have our parents there?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you decide to uninvite them. I would phrase it to them like this: “Due to your trip coming back the day of the wedding, and the fact that the airport is 6 hours away, it would not seem possible that you would be able to make our special day, so we are changing our wedding celebration to only have parents in attendance.
However, we would like to spend time with you at a later date after everything has wound down. I hope that you have a nice trip.” If they get bent out of shape about it, then that is on them. They would be terrible to be around after coming back from a trip and a 6-hour drive to just get to your location.
I would not want tired, sunburnt, travel-weary faces in my wedding pictures. Make this day about you and your future husband OP, and I wish you all the joy and success. Your brother and SIL are the jerks (more the SIL) for doing this. It is highly inappropriate.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Your brother, as THE Brother is a jerk.. if he really wanted to come he wouldn’t have agreed to this vacation. To be honest them saying (it was a good price or something..) means they didn’t prioritize your wedding. You are sad and disappointed, as YOU should be because you did notice them in advance about the dates.
I wouldn’t uninvite them as the day is all about YOU and your HUBBY. Whether they make it or not is on them so let them deal with it. (Housing/sitting/babysitting etc.) But later I would sit down with your SIL (especially with her), brother, and the parents and confront them because that is not the first time SHE especially put your side of the family in a ”situation”.
It won’t be pretty but give your brother a heads up if you believe in him not telling her in advance.” eeeriesky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling hurt. Uninviting them might not be the best idea though. Because think of the possible scenarios:
- Leave the invite open and they make it.
Yay!
- Leave the invite open and they don’t make it. They aren’t there but they look like the bad guys. (And they likely go through a lot of hassle to try to get there and don’t make it so jokes on them.
They’ll also probably be apologetic and you’ll always have this over them).
- Rescind the invite. They aren’t there but somehow you look like the bad guy (even though they created the situation). Of course the downside is if they say they’re coming but don’t, you’re potentially out the cost of their meals, chair rentals, etc.
Is your relationship with your brother one where you can talk frankly about things like money? “You know I have to pre-pay for your meals and chairs whether you show up or not, right? So not only might you miss my wedding, but I might be out a grand too, just so you guys can have a cheaper vacation.
How is that fair?” Something like that might just start a bigger fight. Or maybe it would light a fire under his butt to stand up to his wife. Or maybe it would make him do the right thing and write you a huge check wedding present to cover their plates if they miss the wedding.
Dunno. Only you know how that conversation might go. (And I know you’re probably more hurt about the disregard rather than the money. But sometimes practical things like money are easier to talk about with people without getting emotionally charged).” EvilSockLady
3. AITJ For Being Upset At My Husband's Loud Coughing During My Work Meetings?
“My husband 34/M has a respiratory disease that causes him to cough from time to time. He started coughing 2 weeks ago. His coughing is loud and nasty but it’s uncontrollable so there’s obviously nothing he can do about it.
I work from home and constantly have meetings with other employees and my boss, what I started noticing is that whenever I have a Zoom meeting, my husband would sit somewhere near outside the office and start coughing repeatedly and loudly.
It went from annoying to disruptive, I got angry looks from my co-workers and even my boss. I asked my husband about it but he brushed me off saying he was just resting on the couch and that he couldn’t control his coughing.
My final straw was on Thursday, he kept coughing the entire meeting.
Things got quiet suddenly right before the meeting was over. I got out and found my husband asleep. I woke him up and snapped at him telling him that his coughing was deliberate at this point, he swore it wasn’t and said that he didn’t understand what my issue was, I said my issue was him interrupting my meeting and insisting to sit outside the office and do it.
He said he was sitting on the couch in the living room and that I was being harsh on him and angry for no reason. I demanded he go stay inside the bedroom when I have my meeting but he said I can’t decide where he goes and what he does and that it was cynical of me to think he was doing this deliberately and that clearly, his health doesn’t matter to me but that’s not true.
He’s refusing to talk and even refused to answer when I ask about his medication or anything regarding his health.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe the coughing is legit. Maybe he didn’t realize he was interrupting your meetings. However, once he was made aware, he got defensive and refused to just be anywhere else during a meeting.
That is what just kills it. I’ve had coughing spells before and have had to excuse myself. It happens. Bodies are dumb like that. His response is what solidified that, if there is a jerk here, it’s probably not you. OP, you may have to look into a good mic and sound filtering controls and work that mute button well.
It may help. There may be settings in the meeting software that help with background noises, too. It’s not perfect, but it helps.” AudaciouslyRed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why isn’t he working when you are working? He can’t control the coughing but he can control where he is.
He is a jerk for knowing he has loud coughs but choosing his preference over your ability to do work and financially support you. At that point, he is doing it on purpose since you’ve told him. You need to find out why he wants to sabotage your work.
It is really disruptive if he is coughing during every meeting. I would have a hard time keeping focus also. And same for your coworkers.” Goofpuff
Another User Comments:
“I used “my kid sister” as an example of “no one likes being woken up” and further explained how that would be compounded by being berated before he could even fully wake up… That being said I did miss the part about her saying she discussed it previously with him… that being said has she told him when the meetings are?
Are they the same time every day so he should know? Are they impromptu meetings? If they are is she peeking out and saying “hunny you mind moving to the other room for 15 minutes while I’m in this meeting?” Or text him saying hey I’m in a meeting could you keep it down out there please?
(Doesn’t even have to address the cough specifically) All I’m saying is yes he might be being inconsiderate but honestly we have no idea to what degree… and waking someone up and yelling at them is far from the right way to handle it…” timmyfoilhat
2. AITJ For Excluding My Sister From My Birthday Party Because Of My Friend's Grudge?
“One of my (16m) friends has a grudge against my sister (18f).
She beat him out to make it into our high school science bowl team, and since then he’s been really salty. My 16th birthday party is next week, and when I told my friend that he was invited, he asked me if it was okay that I ask my sister to not come to the party and that otherwise, he would create a scene at the party.
I didn’t want that to happen so I agreed.
Yesterday, I asked my sister to not come to my party, and when she asked me why, I told her the truth. She then asked me if I cared more about my friend than her.
Obviously, I care more about my sister and I’m very much willing to spend more time with her outside the party (that’s the reason I chose to invite my friend instead, was that I could still do stuff for my birthday with her outside the party), but I knew that if I said that I cared about her more I would be an idiot if I still invited my friend.
I just said that I cared about my friend more (I was planning to tell her after the party that I cared about her more), but she got really upset.
I heard her crying in her room last night and in the morning, and she hasn’t cried in like three years.
Our parents don’t know what happened because she hasn’t said anything. I feel crazy guilty and her crying just makes me feel horrible. At the same time, I don’t think that I’ve done anything wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your friend is a huge jerk for saying he WILL make a scene at YOUR birthday party if your sister is there.
Don’t enable his immaturity. Invite him and your sister, but make it clear that if he so much as looks at your sister wrong, he’ll be removed from your property and sent home. He’s incredibly immature to still be so upset at your sister for being, what, smarter than him?
A year later? And he’s very much the jerk for caring more about his fragile ego than for your party. So selfish and immature. He needs to get over it.” penpapercats
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your “friend” basically gave you an ultimatum for a ridiculous reason and you caved in.
This friend is toxic, immature, manipulative, and not worth a second over your sister. You also lied to your sister about it, if you had told her the truth, she’d likely react differently. Hopefully still time to fix things: (1) Uninvite this “friend” from the party (2) Tell your sister you care about her more than the friend, and that you handled that situation wrong.
Be open and honest. Apologize for your behavior and make it up to her somehow.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. How could you think you did nothing wrong? Do you live in an alternate universe? You lied and told your sister you cared about your friend more.
This “friend” of yours wants to exclude YOUR SISTER from your birthday party because he was not GOOD ENOUGH to make it to the science bowl team and he wants her to suffer for it. Also, he threatened to make a scene if your sister was there.
Dude, this is no friend. He is manipulative. He also can’t accept the fact that your sister is better in science than he is. Drop this guy. ALSO, go to your sister and tell her how much you love her, invite her to the party, and tell that guy that he is no longer invited and that your sister means more to you than he does and always will.” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner Plans For The Worst Case Scenario?
“My partner (26F) and I (27M) have been together for about a year.
We’ve been talking more about serious matters since I want to ask her to move in with me. I’m a pilot and she’s an engineer and we met through work. She is definitely the most responsible and practical girl I’ve ever met, must be the engineer in her.
She is very pragmatic and very mathematical which I find very attractive.
But recently we had a conversation that I find very troubling. We were talking about having kids and she says she only wants 1 maybe 2. To be clear I don’t have an issue with that I don’t want a huge number but I casually asked why.
She told me it was an amount she was comfortable raising alone if she was widowed or became a single mother. I was shocked that she had thought of that and told her I would never leave her to raise children alone and she told me I can’t promise that plus she has worked around enough pilots to know how common being unfaithful with colleagues or divorce is.
That she would expect me to be faithful and for our relationship to be permanent but she won’t put herself in the position of relying on me.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and asked her why she would be with me if she assumed I’d be unfaithful.
She shrugs and tells me being unfaithful is extremely common and all those people’s spouses don’t think their partner will be unfaithful and they do it anyway so she would never use faith in something like that to guide her life. I just don’t know what to say and ask her if she is cynical because she’s been betrayed before?
She gets annoyed and says her exes were surprisingly decent people but she’d “rather learn from other people’s mistake than her own”. I told her that was so cold and she told me to look back on this conversation in 20 years when I’m older and wiser and realize she is right.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s not saying she thinks you’ll be unfaithful or die. She’s saying that those things do in fact happen to people and she doesn’t ever want to be in a position where she has to fear for her ability to provide for her children.
That’s simply true and responsible. And no one wants to be in a situation where they wish they had been less naive. Women’s rights are under attack and every woman, engineer or not, has had to think extensively about options.” Relevant-Branch-4324
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, It’s understandable that you were taken aback, that’s a mighty ‘what the heck did you just say?!?’ thing to hear from a woman you love.
While she may be cynical and that can come off as cold – she’s pragmatic. This is a trait many people who end up as engineers share – they are methodical, they ‘look at the numbers’. Like you said she’s good at math. She’s looking very far back at the big picture, which can be disconcerting because you seem to be thinking with your heart ie you love this woman, you respect her, you are considering spending the rest of your life with her.
She is likely doing the same but she’s got all sorts of charts and graphs going on in her head. It also sounds like she’s figured out the ‘kids I can raise on my own’ long before being with you so don’t take it too personally.
It doesn’t even sound like she’s mad at you for saying this to her; she probably figured that was the reaction and not taking it personally. You need to decide if this side of her personality is something you can get along with. You might suggest couples counseling before you get any more involved – it can help a couple figure out if they share the same goals in life, what their problem solving & communication skills are.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Don’t be so emotional. It’s not about YOU personally. She’s a smart and logical person. You can bet anything built by her won’t fail and that includes a family. She builds in many degrees of safety and that’s okay, life’s unpredictable.
If you can’t rise above your ego and appreciate that about her, then you’re not right for each other, and stop wasting her time.” Half_Life976
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