People Are Ready To Defend Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Partner's Daughters Use My Car For Prom After They Gave Me A Birthday Gift?
“40F living with my 50M partner for almost two years. Together four. He has twin daughters, 17 yo.
My partner shares custody of his twin girls. Mom lives across town. Everything is amicable but I don’t have a relationship with the girls’ mom beyond “hi, how are you?” pleasantries.
The girls and I get along just fine as well, but they have both their parents so I’m certainly not in that role for them.
The girls’ prom was a couple of months ago. So was my birthday. For my birthday, the twins scheduled to have my vehicle professionally detailed. I was a bit surprised as their mother has never chipped in on anything they’ve ever gifted me, but she helped organize and pay for the gift. However, it all made sense when they almost immediately afterward asked to drive my vehicle with their dates to prom.
I’ve never been married, nor do I have any kids of my own, so the house we live in and the automobile I drive were all purchases from the perspective of a single person with a good job and no dependents – it doesn’t matter what it is specifically, but it’s not an inexpensive vehicle.
It’s not something I want a pack of High School Seniors and their dates running around town in. I told the girls I would rent them a limo or some other type of vehicle with a driver, but I wasn’t comfortable with them taking mine.
They were upset, so their dad told them he would talk to me and talk to them about it again. I reiterated to him that I wasn’t comfortable with it and the topic, so I thought, was dropped.
I had a weird feeling, however. I was set to be working out-of-state over prom, so I rescheduled the detail to where I dropped my vehicle off before I flew out and wouldn’t pick it back up again until after I got back.
When my partner got home with the twins that night, they immediately called and asked me where my vehicle was. They were upset when I told them. I had already said no to them taking it, so the only reason to be upset was if they were planning on doing it without my permission.
When I talked to my partner later that evening, he shrugged my feeling of being lied to off by saying it’s obvious that they got the birthday gift for me as a goodwill gesture for borrowing the vehicle, and I was the jerk for making sure they weren’t able to, but still taking the gift. Apparently, the girls’ mother was also upset and feeling “ripped off.”
I would get where everyone was coming from if the twins had offered to detail the vehicle in exchange for using it, but this was given to me as a birthday gift before they even discussed borrowing anything. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and those girls, and your “partner” can’t be trusted. He would have let them take your car and then not told you unless they ran into a tree, then there would be an excuse.
The only reason they gave you a gift was to then use your car. Are you sure you want to be with your partner?” SusanfromMA
Another User Comments:
“OP your partner’s attitude/behavior regarding this —RED RED Flag !!! Seriously condoning the manipulative and deceitful behavior of twins is SHOCKING…He obviously doesn’t care to respect you and your possessions !!!
Please reconsider him and his girls !!! That was not a gift —it’s manipulation at its best !!! That has to hurt !!! Secondly, you have stated your position and for him/them to act against your wishes while you were out of town is TROUBLING!!! If it were me —they would all be out of the house!!” lifevisions
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but do you really see a future with this man? You own the house he’s living in which makes it worse that he was willing to go completely behind your back AND literally let his daughters steal your car (because that is what it would have been without your permission).
Not only that but he completely disregarded his daughters’/baby momma’s disrespectful fake “gift” to you and even took their side? Good on you for having the smarts to reschedule the detailing but I think you need to sit down and seriously reconsider this relationship.
It sounds to me like he’s using you to be comfortable and doesn’t actually respect your needs.” SnailsInYourAnus
20. AITJ For Bringing My Own Sugar To My In-Laws' Sugar-Free Home?
“So recently my husband and I were visiting my in-laws. All in all, they are very good people but are very particular about a thing. They don’t like sugar and don’t have any form of sugar/sweetener in the house.
Knowing that I took some sugar packets with me to put them in my tea because I like having my tea with some sugar sometimes.
When I made my tea my FIL saw that and took the sugar packets away from me and called me a ‘naughty girl’ and said that there would be no sugar in his house.
My MIL then said that I have to know that sugar is really, really bad for me and that I was disrespecting their boundaries. AITJ for bringing sugar into their home?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get they don’t like sugar, but a good many people in the world do in fact use sugar in tea and coffee.
It’s not a rare or volatile substance. They should anticipate that visitors might want some sugar in their tea and make it available. And if they don’t, and you bring your own, it shouldn’t be a problem. I don’t use salt very much, but if we have guests over for dinner, I set some out for them.
Basic common decency to anticipate that others may like something you don’t like. Also, calling you a ‘naughty girl’ annoys me for some reason.” Unfair_Finger5531
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – there are some things you shouldn’t bring into someone else’s house. If they’re vegetarian/vegan it’s reasonable to ask for no meat, if they’re Hindu it’s fine to ask guests not to bring in beef, ditto for pork for Jews or Muslims. If someone in the house has an allergy to something – e.g. nuts – it’s 100% fine to tell all guests ‘no nuts’.
But this is just a weird, patronizing, power-play where they get to tell a fully mature human that they shouldn’t consume processed sugar. Screw that, and especially screw that where the person is their daughter-in-law – someone they should want to feel at home and welcome.” Solivaga
Another User Comments:
“Look, it is fine for people to ban foods from their house for health reasons (allergy/addictions), religious reasons (eg no pork), or ethical reasons (no animal products). If you brought pork to your Jewish/Muslim in-laws you would be the jerk without question.
I would say banning things for fad reasons is ridiculous. But then, plenty of people regard religion or veganism, etc as ridiculous fads. Ethically, then, I don’t think you should bring sugar to the house if they have stated they won’t have sugar in the house.
You should, however, feel justified in saying, ‘I’m going to take my tea outside so I can put sugar in it’, and then sitting on the porch sipping your nice sugary tea in peace, much as you’d have a smoke if it was a non-smoking house.
All that said, the ‘naughty girl’ comment kind of suggests to me you should just avoid FIL as far as possible for as long as possible because it’s sickening.” OscillatingFox
19. AITJ For Not Letting My College-Aged Daughter Work?
“My (56M) daughter (19F) started going to college last year and everyone asks her all the time when she’s going to start working, and when she says that I give her money and that I pay for all her things, most of them tell her that that’s wrong and that I’m not helping her mature.
The thing is, I met my wife (39F) when she was studying and working at the same time and I know that life was REALLY hard for her, and neither she nor I want that for our daughters (18F 16F 10F). So we both decided that we don’t want her to work while she is studying, Obviously she earns money by helping her mother with some things at work, or sometimes she helps me or takes care of her siblings for a few hours so that her mother and I can go out, and with those little things she earns a good amount of money.
Because we want her, even if she doesn’t have a formal job, to learn that money is earned with effort.
The thing is that my in-laws think I’m being a poor father who is raising a parasite (their words), that they forced my wife to work and study so that she could be a functional adult and that today she is successful thanks to that, and I know that is not the truth.
She barely ate two meals a day when I met her and if she finished her studies it was because I paid most of her tuition, because she was studying a career that consumed all her time, and the jobs she could get didn’t pay much.
And I want my daughter to study and for her only concern to be that, and so far it has worked because she is an exemplary student, so AITJ for not letting her work?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and hard agree with you from a European person.
I benefited from this while I was in university, only working part-time because I wanted to do a big summer trip once. I also lived at home during my studies. Guess what? I’m a functional adult without debts and with a nice job and home.
I plan on doing the same for my child. Their “job” is to study and be able to survive by themselves chore-wise (cleaning, laundry, ironing, cooking, etc). The replies to OP will be biased culturally, so that’s why I mention my location.” notdancingQueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The in-laws can shove it since they are basing all of their judgmental logic on poor selective memory regarding their oh-so-fantastic parenting. Two meals a day? Your poor wife. Glad you came along. They would have the same for your daughter. Your daughter is in medical school not getting a degree in finger painting.
Know what I’m saying? She is at an incredibly low risk of becoming a “parasite”. Finally, you are doing it right, you are supporting her and still have some requirements for that support. Sounds like you are raising a responsible young woman who will be set up well for success when she graduates.
In-laws are the jerk and need to zip it. I’m sure they’ll feel entitled to ask for help as they age and become feeble. Does that make them parasites? Food for thought.” Maleficent_Can1946
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a gem among parents.
Do your inlaws know what her life was really like then? That she wasn’t able to eat properly while a student because of their unbalanced idea of what a “functional adult” is? I really hate when people who don’t know the entire story start sticking their noses in where they don’t belong; them calling you a crappy father and your daughter a parasite is laughable, or it would be if it weren’t so tragic.
Obviously, they are the ones who made it almost impossible for their own daughter to get through school. Working and earning money is a great goal, but you are right when you say that your daughter needs to focus on her studies instead of constantly worrying about where her next meal is coming from or how she will pay her tuition (which, by the way, is WAY higher than her parents ever dreamed it would be today than when they were making their own daughter struggle just to live, much less study).
It sounds like your daughter is working hard at what she is supposed to do, which is to study and learn and grow mature in college. Your inlaws are out of the ballpark, out of their depth, and out of generosity. Your daughter is lucky indeed to have you and her mother on her side.” TabbieAbbie
18. AITJ For Excluding My Dad's Wife From Wedding Activities Due To Her Constant Competition With My Mom?
“My parents got divorced when my siblings and I were in middle school/high school.
We’re now in our 20s. Dad got married 2 years after the divorce. He met his wife and married her in 6 months because she was planning to move back to her home state and he didn’t want to do the long-distance thing. So we didn’t really know her when he told us they had eloped in Vegas.
She, however, thought we were all super close and was really disappointed when our reactions were pretty muted to their news.
This started her being jealous of my mom. She was jealous of the closeness we had with Mom. Then she was jealous of the fact we got along so well with our mom’s partner (and we’re still close) even though mom and he never got married.
Dad’s wife started showing up all glam to school functions and football games that we were involved in. She looked like she was attending a wedding or a red carpet. And she’d make snarky comments about dressing up to support “her kids” while looking right at my mom.
She would throw us these lavish birthday parties and invite both sides of our family and then attempt to dress us in matching outfits (the birthday kid and her). It always made her twitchy when we didn’t want to dress like her. When my twin siblings turned 16 and my sister and mom had matching necklaces my dad’s wife actually went home to change and wore the same color dress as my sister.
She talks like Mom is somehow less than her because she’s not remarried. She gloats that she has a ring on her finger. That she shares the same last name as us (the kids). Just all kinds of petty things. She’s someone we tolerate but we don’t like her and if we could exclude her from our lives without losing our dad we would.
I’m getting married and so is one of my brothers (the twin). My dad’s wife has not been invited to any fittings, tastings, viewing, etc by either my fiancé and I or my brother and his fiancée. But mom has been invited to stuff on both sides and my dad’s wife was so upset by it.
She asked my brother about being invited to something first and he said no, just no, nothing else and she pestered him for a while before moving onto me and she broke down over it and said she can’t understand not being included in pre-wedding activities.
I told her she’s not included because her one-sided contest with my mom is pathetic and none of us want to deal with that.
She said it was such a mean thing to say and all she’s ever tried to do is earn that spot as our mom but we treat our mom’s partner who isn’t even our stepdad like he’s more important than her.
She was crying harder while saying all this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”You can’t earn our love if you don’t earn our respect, and you won’t have our respect until you learn to respect our mother and her role, by learning to stay in your place and acknowledge that we are her children, not yours.
Being married to our father matters to him, not to us. What matters to us is respect for our mother and our desires, and for many years you have shown neither.” I’d answer something like this, and this is diplomatic me. NTJ.” SirDaeltanFernagdor
Another User Comments:
“She reminds me of my ex’s wife. She had a T-shirt printed after they got married saying Ms his surname and was posting it all over social media. She turned up at my kids’ schools trying to get into their parent-teacher meetings but was turned away.
Their father has barely any contact with our kids, when he had just left they would try to ring their dad and she wouldn’t put him on the phone. She kept up this immature stuff over the years and it had a hand in alienating her from my daughter’s life.
She seems jealous of your mother and it’s stupid. She had no right to be part of your weddings and if she don’t like it tough.” Recent_Put_7321
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – 99% of problems I see between kids and stepparents come when the kids are forced to see the stepparent as a new mother/father figure.
She is your dad’s wife, and nothing more to you because she tried to force it. I’m betting that your mom’s husband hasn’t forced you to see him as a 2nd father, which is why you have a better relationship with him. You’re not emotional support kids for your stepmother.
Her “trying to earn the spot” of mother is nothing more than her ego. She should have focussed on forming a real relationship rather than forcing you to feel a certain way about her.” Visual-Lobster6625
17. AITJ For Staring Down A Woman Until She Left A Music Event For Being Loud?
“My two female friends and I (M) went to a music event last night and we sat down in front of a group of women. It was instrumental music, even in a very quiet setting but these women kept whispering and giggling nonstop. I think my friends made a few comments towards them to be quieter and these women got even louder and started clapping very loud and very close to my friends’ heads after every set.
Closer to the end of the event my friends gave up, stood up in the middle of the set, and changed their seats while these women made a few loud comments about them finally leaving.
At this moment I blew up, half turned my way, and started to stare into the eyes of the loudest woman who made comments.
She started getting irritated, made a few comments towards me, threw a few hand gestures into my face, threatened to record me on video, and I tried to ignore but I just kept looking at her with my death look. After maybe 3-4 minutes she completely lost her calm, stood up, made a few more comments about me being a creep, a jerk, and left, all three of them left.
I turned back and listened to the last music piece in silence.
I’m a person who never confronts women as I can look intimidating. Just need some self-validation in case my actions weren’t appropriate. I’m pretty sure a few people had seen what happened but nobody said a word to me after.
My friends appreciated the revenge act when I told them about that.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I get the whole “trying not to use one’s unearned privilege/threaten others,” but you did not incite violence. You kept it on the same level/type of action that they were doing (being annoying/making them uncomfortable) instead of escalating it.
The only other way this could have been handled is if you called in someone with authority who works at this stadium (an usher maybe) to handle the situation. However, I honestly prefer your solution. The loud women could have been thrown out and/or banned from the stadium/theater if you had called in an authority figure.
Calling an authority figure can cause things to escalate, even if that’s what you’re trying to avoid. It should really only be done if other, more passive tactics (like asking them politely to stop or staring them down) do not work. The call for a trusted authority figure should ALWAYS happen if you and/or else are in physical danger.
Instead, you bothered them just like they bothered others. Very karma-like.” Depressed_Cupcake13
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I love it when people disregard common courtesy at a show and then act like a victim when people start doing things to push them into going elsewhere.
The solution can’t always just be to get up and move yourself. Giving these people more room by moving away only reinforces their bad behavior. Honestly, I’ve had to treat friends the same way before. Had one buddy try and talk my ear off mid-set about some obscure 90s wrestling factoid and I looked at him dead in the eyes and said “I couldn’t give less of a care, stop distracting me from the music.” I’m not there to socialize and have fun chats or listen to other people who choose to ignore the music for a conversation.
Take a walk if you don’t want to listen, just stop being a distraction for others at shows period.” lt_girth
Another User Comments:
“I love this. Good for you. I’m a woman. Once I was with two other women behaving this way at a concert and I told them straight up that they were being rude to everyone there who wanted to listen to the music and that none of us paid to listen to them.
It was a sit-down jazz concert and they got inebriated at the venue bar beforehand and couldn’t stop. It was embarrassing. I now know the one woman is a heavy drinker in denial. I cannot stand people this rude. I absolutely love that you put them in their place.
NTJ. Thank you on behalf of everyone stuck around people like this.” Comeback_321
16. AITJ For Expecting Appreciation From My Husband For Preparing Food During Religious Celebrations?
“I (36f) have been married to my (42m) husband for 11 and a half years.
For context, I changed my religion to be with him and he, in general, is a good, loving, and caring husband and a father to our 4-year-old son. We fight occasionally like all couples do but today I was really offended and hurt. Since I come from a different culture, I usually expect guidance from my husband for religious celebrations.
I am happy to prepare food for it and celebrate it together but I always ask him to get the food, or at least tell me what he would like to have for such celebrations.
So this time was no different, in the morning he went for prayers with our son and said that we together would prep breakfast when they’re back.
Out of love, I wanted to make sure all was ready for when they were back, so I prepped the food, added some extras, cleaned the table, and changed the tablecloth so it would look nice and presentable, the only thing that was left to do were eggs, which we prefer to do fresh anyway.
So when my husband came back he saw the table and said nothing, he went to the kitchen to start prepping eggs. I went to help him and asked if he saw the table, he said he did. So then I asked if he liked it?
He said yes, to which I said that it would be nice if he would acknowledge it as I put the effort in. He then proceeded to say that it’s understood in his culture that women on such religious celebrations would prep the table and wait for their husbands to come back and have breakfast together.
In other words, he doesn’t need to say thank you as it’s expected from the wife. It made me feel unappreciated and I didn’t let it slide, I asked him if I don’t deserve his appreciation for doing something nice for my family? He said thank you but don’t expect a thank you in the future as there are only 2 days of big religious celebrations in the year and according to his culture, it is expected for me to prep and serve food when he’s back after prayers.
I got really mad, because why should I be doing all of that and not expect a simple thank you? Should I not receive any appreciation for the extra effort I put in, making sure food is ready as I know both my son and my husband would be hungry when they got back.
He was getting really angry so we ended up having a pretty bad fight about it. In the heat of the moment, he said that I didn’t even have to cook much and that there were not that many dishes so why am I making such a big deal and ruining the special day for him?
I was so mad, not only did he belittle my effort but he basically told me not to expect any appreciation in the future as it’s an expectation. To which I said that he could’ve avoided all of this by only saying: “thank you, it looks nice” and we would’ve had a nice breakfast, so he ruined the day himself and not to blame me for it.
Am I the jerk? Did I ruin the day?”
Another User Comments:
“Is this about Eid? What nonsense culture does he belong to? The only relevant Islamic tradition is that the whole family should be going for prayers in the morning. Tell him to stuff it with his nonsense about culture and remind him that it’s a sahih hadith that the best of men are those who are best to their wives, and also that it’s a wife’s right to have help in the home.
It’s not an expectation to just be served food, and it’s certainly not acceptable to pretend he doesn’t need to thank you for cooking for him. If this wasn’t about Eid please ignore. You’re still NTJ though btw.” Rough-Lingonberry12
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Oh wow. This is sticky. I respect other cultures and their religious beliefs even when I don’t agree with them, but I have a very difficult time accepting the misogyny that comes along with it sometimes. It sounds like you’re having difficulty accepting it, too.
On the one hand, you knew what you were signing up for (in theory?), but on the other hand, your husband is dripping with entitlement and male superiority (from a Western perspective). IS this what you signed up for/expected as part of converting to his religion?
From my Western, feminist, anti-misogyny perspective, you’re NTJ. It sounds like you’re having difficulty accepting this part of his culture. Will this relationship be sustainable long-term if you never receive recognition for your hard work? He all but said to not expect his appreciation. That’s a hard pill to swallow.” Oddly_quirky
Another User Comments:
“It’s sad to see that people are blaming the religion when it’s clearly your husband’s issue. In that particular religion, wives aren’t bound to cook. In that religion, women are not bound to cook or clean or even take care of their children.
There’s a particular story of one of the major leaders of this religion where he clearly stated that wives aren’t bound to do any of those. And it is also advised to appreciate wives for the things they do. What your husband thinks is just misinformation and lack of education.
And so do people who are blaming the religion.” throwawayid00
15. AITJ For Being Seen As Rude At My Son's PTA Meeting?
“My wife (36F – Laura) and I (37F) have a 7-year-old son (Liam) together.
Ever since Liam started school, Laura was the one who attended his monthly PTA meetings.
My work schedule is a bit too hectic for them, and Laura is the more sociable of us (this is an understatement she is a sweetheart) so she has taken care of these meetings so far.
This month, Laura had an important work appointment and I agreed to attend the meeting instead.
In my opinion, the meeting was uneventful and overall unremarkable. When I came back home in the evening, Laura said one of the moms she’s now friends with texted her and said that I had been ‘very unpleasant’.
I was genuinely surprised. My not introducing myself to everyone immediately, not talking much during the meeting and after, not going out with the moms’ group for an evening coffee, and even acknowledging Liam’s friends in an unfriendly manner, all contributed to this judgment.
One of the moms (I’ll call her Chloe) made a few comments complimenting my outfit, perfume, and how Liam was such an amazing little guy (her son is Liam’s friend). I think I was polite enough. I said thanks, and said her son and Liam get along well.
She said I should join for the group’s evening coffee a few times, I said I was busy. That’s ALL.
Well apparently I was the rudest mom to ever attend the PTA meeting there, and everyone thinks I was absolutely horrible, and that poor Laura is a saint.
She says I should make it up to them by offering to hold a small party for kids and their parents, but I still think I do not deserve all this negative feedback.
Do I need to offer a peace offering as suggested? Was I as much of a jerk to do that?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds to me like this group has an established set of social expectations that most members regularly meet, with Chloe as the leader and enforcer. You are less sociable than your wife, you did not know the social expectations and a lot is it is out of your comfort zone.
I think it is OK if they were not quite comfortable with you or did not like you. But Chloe’s schtick is oppressive and tiresome. Maybe you should attend a meeting with the PTA parents’ less social other halves. I joke about it, but that actually seems more fun than hanging around with the social climbers.” EnderBurger
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – PTAs can be worse than high school cliques where nonconformity isn’t just rejected, it’s openly condemned. Think about if you were the male husband of any of the other women. Do you think he would be expected to join them for coffee or behave like you are at a sorority rush event?
Gushing with fake enthusiasm so they pick you? Doubt it. Maybe you just didn’t match their “type.” Let’s say you were rude. A grown woman “tattling” on a spouse is incredibly overstepping. If you were the male husband, they might make a mental note to limit interactions with you, but women are held to different standards, often more so by other women – especially by traditional stay-at-home moms. I find there is underlying resentment in PTAs for working women and a need to put them down or exclude them.
One obvious way is to hold meetings during traditional working hours. It is very compelling to want to fit in to benefit your child, but maybe it’s you who should limit interactions to “just business” with jerks who try to socially control you. For your peace of mind.” wehav2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not everyone can operate at the same social volume as others and from what you described, you were acting reasonably polite. Especially so if you haven’t been around these people before or often. If you want to host a party for them, that’s your call but it doesn’t sound like you need some sort of attitude adjustment prior to that or if you meet them again.” Owenashi
14. AITJ For Kicking Out My Sister After She Made Racist Remarks About My Husband?
“I (34 F) have been married to my husband (35 M) for six years.
My sister and I (29 F) just started to communicate again after I went no contact with all of my family. For context… I grew up in an abusive household. I would constantly get yelled at and made to be seen as the terror child.
My sister on the other hand could do no wrong. With her being the youngest, it was always extremely hard to get anything done if it didn’t revolve around her. My parents would often miss important events in my life because she decided to make something up.
Well, I went no contact when I was sixteen. Moved out of my parents’ house and I have never looked back.
I met my husband when I was in college. We immediately started talking and we fell for each other. We married shortly after we both graduated. Now he’s not the same race as I am.
I am Caucasian. And he’s Mexican. I’ve always been told by my mother that I should never marry outside of our race as it could “Cause problems later on”.
Fast-forward to last weekend. I randomly got a call from a number I didn’t know. It was my sister.
She had asked if we could chat and I said okay but I wasn’t going to welcome her back easily. Well, last night I invited her over to my place to have dinner.
She decided to bring bags with her to try to stay the night.
I told her no way and I only invited her for dinner. She said fine and put her bags back inside her car. My husband was helping me cook some fajitas. We always have something special for dinner each night. He loves to cook. He gets it from his mother.
Anyway… When my sister met my husband she immediately stepped back and pulled me aside. She very loudly whispered that he’s not white and that our parents wouldn’t approve of this. I told her that it’s not her nor their place to decide who I marry.
And if she has a problem she can leave. She said she’d be quiet and we all sat down to eat.
Everything was going okay until she made a racist comment about the fact that he’s Mexican and of course we’d have fajitas. I told her that is enough and to leave my house.
She started yelling at me and told me that I’m the one who married a (racial slur). I screamed at her to get out and to never come back. I blocked her on everything and apologized to my husband for her behavior. I’ve already gotten several text messages from relatives telling me how horrible I am.
And that I should apologize to my sister. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Easy NTJ to the point where I wonder if this is bait or they’ve done so much damage to you that you’ve lost context. Anyone who thinks you did wrong here and that your sister somehow is correct in being a racist jerk is a racist jerk themselves.
You’re good.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“Obviously NTJ but I do have to address something: “My family has always had slight racist undertones to what they’ve said. But they’ve never gotten this far.” I really doubt they were “slight” undertones, more likely you have major blind spots.
That doesn’t make you a bad person or anything but you’re about to become a mother to a Latino child, which means it will be your job in life to protect them from this kind of stuff, even if it’s the stuff in your blind spots.
Given that I suggest you start taking educating yourself VERY seriously, not for you or your husband but for your child.” introextromidtro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you go from “I wasn’t going to invite her back into my life so easily” one weekend to “so I invited her to my place for dinner”.
Ma’am. You literally invited her back into your quite easily. This should’ve been a cheap lunch/dinner between yourself and your sister to see if she was genuine. Now she knows where you live. And your extended family knows where you live. If you move (don’t know if you rent or own or anything about your living situation) and your family reaches out to you again, then please protect your space.
Don’t invite people who hate you into your home. And if you have kids, don’t even give them a name.” silky_link07
13. AITJ For Sarcastically Responding To My Husband's Aunt's Comments About Our Daughter's Paternity?
“Last weekend we had a bbq at our place to celebrate my husband Mark on his first Father’s Day.
His aunt and uncle met our 4-month-old daughter and were fawning over her. Suddenly his aunt says “wow she is so beautiful are you sure she is Mark’s?” I was a little taken aback but let it slide as a misguided compliment for my daughter.
A couple of minutes later she repeats it adding “well no one in our family has blue eyes and I don’t know if anyone in your family either. Emily (me) where did she get that from? Any ideas?” My grandfather had blue eyes but I didn’t even mention it I just looked at my husband and guys, silence not a single word.
Finally, she says “well she has the same birthmark as Mark, his dad and uncles.”
I’m livid at this point and just sarcastically said “well MAYBE she really is Mark’s but it’s a hunch babe don’t celebrate Father’s Day just yet let’s wait on this one.” She was apologetic and said that her intention was only to say the baby is beautiful compared to Mark and quickly left.
Well since then my in-laws and husband have been saying that I was cruel to respond to her innocent comments. I said that’s since Mark couldn’t be bothered I had to respond. They insist that my response was uncalled for and are saying that I was a jerk for speaking like that to a guest. Did I cross the line??”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband’s aunt made multiple comments that could easily be interpreted as questioning your fidelity and your child’s paternity. Such remarks, even if intended as jokes or compliments, are inappropriate and can be deeply hurtful. Your sarcastic response was a direct result of being put in an uncomfortable situation and feeling unsupported by your husband.
Your in-laws’ and husband’s focus on your reaction rather than the aunt’s comments suggests a misplaced priority on maintaining decorum over addressing the root cause of the discomfort. Your husband should have stepped in to support you, and the aunt’s comments should have been called out for their inappropriateness.
You have every right to defend yourself and your family, especially when faced with potentially damaging insinuations. It’s important for your husband to understand the impact of his silence and to stand by you in such situations.” DysgraphicZ
Another User Comments:
“I am OLD and maybe part of my indignation is knowledge.
I learned a lot about genetics over the years, so maybe I am better educated than some. (My partner works in the genetic/microbiology area). I don’t like “jokes” about a child not looking like their father, or not having certain traits. It really angers me due to my awareness of genetics.
This woman, your partner’s aunt didn’t make one “joke” but went on and on about it. That is poor taste. Once is a jest (in poor taste) and repeatedly is NOT a joke. It is bullying, intimidating, and insulting. They are turning it back onto you because they are rude people and have no manners.
NTJ.” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and total nonsense from in-laws and especially your husband. His aunt was accusing you of sleeping with another man because your baby has blue eyes and is beautiful. Even if no one in her family has blue eyes that doesn’t mean someone way back didn’t.
It is called genetics. There are many physical traits that can be passed down through the bloodline. Both my parents had black hair. Mine and one of my sisters is Auburn. Turns out one of my grandmother’s mother had auburn hair. She also said your husband was butt ugly.
What is wrong with this woman and anyone taking her side? There was nothing innocent about what she said. Your response was neither cruel or uncalled for.” BooCat3
12. AITJ For Demanding My Stepdad Remove My Phone's Parental Controls As He Leaves Our Family?
“I (14f practically 15) told my stepfather (43m) who was breaking up with my mother (36f) and was cutting all contact that he needed to remove my parental controls as he had my live location at all times.
He could control anything to do with my phone. I told him that I wanted him to remove it as if he’s not related to me or seeing my mum it’s technically stalking. I didn’t have any high hopes because anytime I brought it up I got in trouble.
It was always the same story.
I never thought it was fair as I’ve had it for 6 years but my brother (18m) never got it even though he’s only 3.5 years older than me. My stepdad never had it on his kids either. After 6 years I got pretty upset.
So I told him he needed to remove it if he left and if he didn’t I could legally get him arrested. Now he’s annoyed with me and I’m worried I did the wrong thing. Should I apologize?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: who is paying for the phone?
I mean, if he is not going to have any contact with any of you anymore, it does make sense for him to be removed from having any access to you or your location. But, if he is paying for the phone, you may just need to get a new one with a new plan.
You are never the jerk for wanting privacy from a controlling man who is not related to you. But, there are a lot of missing details here that will make it difficult to pass a judgment without.” PaganCHICK720
Another User Comments:
“INFO. Who’s paying for the phone?
A lot of commenters are assuming the stepdad is, but that’s an assumption, not fact. Does your mom know he has the tracking? Does she also have the tracking? Were there ‘reasons’ back in the day? You run away some when they got together, that sort of thing?
IF he’s cutting contact fully, one would assume, that if he is paying the bill, he wouldn’t anymore. And that means he shouldn’t have access to the tracking info either.” LettheWorldBurn1776
11. AITJ For Giving My Jobless Brother Part Of Our Emergency Fund Without My Husband's Consent?
“My brother lost his job recently. His wife is a SAHW (no kids), and their emergency fund is running out quickly. He’s in the process of finding a new one, but they’re really struggling, and I felt bad not to help in any way. My husband and I, on the other hand, have two stable jobs, and have an emergency fund that has excess money in it (24+ months’ worth of our normal expenses).
So, I sent them a not-too-big portion of our fund, just to relieve them some stress and buy them some time. My husband found out extremely quickly, and now he is really really upset, but I had told him about my brother’s situation and hoped he’d understand a bit.
AITJ? I feel like I probably am.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This was not only your money but your husband’s too! You just gave away money, the two of you saved without even telling your husband. And it wasn’t even an emergency (like a needed operation, needed home transportation from abroad after an accident/family member death).
You selfishly chose to give away money and not ask your husband because you knew he wouldn’t say yes. And if your brother and his wife have money troubles, his wife could have gotten a job. And he could have taken a lower-paying job just to cover bills.
But they both chose not to but to run out of money and ask for handouts.” Trevena_Ice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You gave away someone else’s money without even asking them. Totally a jerk move. The money didn’t belong only to you. It belonged to you and your husband and you owed him the common decency of talking to him about it before giving it away.
Sounds like you thought it was better to ask forgiveness than permission, but that was a completely jerk move on your part. How would you have liked it if he’d done this to you? Moreover, your brother and spouse created this situation on their own.
Why isn’t the wife out there grabbing any job she can right now? Your brother is involuntarily unemployed, but she’s voluntarily so. You gave away money that you and your husband worked for and saved to cover yourself, and you just gave some of it away to your brother (1) without talking to the co-owner of the money and (2) without considering that he and the wife aren’t exactly working hard to save themselves.
Yes, YTJ. A massive one.” WestCovina1234
Another User Comments:
“Holy moly. She’s a SAHW with no kids? They chose this dynamic for themselves. If they need money she can get a job. They’re grown adults, not you and your husband’s children. That being said, had you chosen together to help them out then that’s fine.
You didn’t involve your husband in this decision because you knew he wouldn’t be on board (reasonably so). I know people who would end a marriage over what you’ve done—it’s a complete betrayal of trust and a big “screw you” to your husband.
Good luck. YTJ.” Biomax315
10. AITJ For Not Selling My Niece's House To Buy A New One For Her Mother's New Family?
“My brother died when my niece was 10. He was divorced from SIL at the time of his death. My brother’s assets and my niece’s cut of my parent’s estate were placed in a trust for my niece. I was in charge of the trust. There was some back and forth with SIL over who controlled the trust, but I was ultimately the one who got control.
The trust was basically able to pay off what was my brother’s house and the interest from the estate pays for its upkeep. There isn’t much left after that but at least my niece has a paid-off house. In lieu of my SIL going after the estate for child support, I let her and my niece move into the house rent-free.
My niece just turned 17 and is headed to her senior year of high school. My SIL has since remarried and has a new family with him one kid and one step kid. The new husband and family have moved into the house. The new husband apparently just got a job transfer and the whole family will have to move for the job.
I talked to my niece about the move, and she hates the idea. She doesn’t want to move with only one year left in HS. I agree with her on that issue.
My SIL wants me to sell the current house and use the funds to buy a new house in the new location.
I told her that was automatically a no-go. I wouldn’t buy a house in a new location with my niece only likely living there full time for one more year. My niece plans to go to college and is not likely in the area of the new house.
This would be more of a benefit for SIL than niece.
I gave my SIL three options.
1. The family can continue to live in the current house and continue the deal as is. This means new hubby’s job will fall through. The new location is closer to his family.
2. We can sell the house; I will put the money into the trust. This will force my niece to move with her family. They may have to downsize because of me not giving money for a new house.
3. The family moves and then my niece stays behind she essentially does her senior year alone in the house.
I’m not far from them and can check on her but can’t be there daily. I’m out of her school district so she can’t live with me and still go to the same school.
My SIL hates me right now over tearing her family apart.
I really don’t care about her hating me.
If my niece was starting HS and not finishing it, I might act differently and not give her as much weight in this decision. I might be willing to let SIL use the money to buy a new house.
The issue is because she is close to the end. I don’t want to disrupt her schooling. If my niece said yes to the move, I might be willing to let SIL use the money as well. So AITJ for letting my niece choose where her family lives?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Imagine the audacity to expect your daughter’s house to be sold to buy a new house for you, your husband, and other kids. Whose house would it be? Even if she were a freshman it’s not her job to buy her mother and stepfather a house.
This would be financial abuse. The house and or money from the sale of the house belongs to your niece. Period. I would be very concerned about having a 17-year-old no matter how responsible living alone. I just don’t trust people. There are too many creeps lurking around.
She may have to move with her mom into the house that she rents.” Unicornfarts68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 1) Your legal duty as a trustee is to your niece. SIL has had years to save. Don’t let SIL use a DIME of that money for her new family.
2) SIL is being unreasonable. There is no way your niece should be selling a house and buying a new one for the steps and half when she will be an adult soon. 3) When you sell, you are taking all the equity and putting it into a place niece doesn’t want to live.
1 to 4 years later she may want to live alone. The new house will not have a lot of equity. Depending on where they go, niece may not have enough to sell and then buy for herself. 4) SIL should never have expected to house her new family forever, for free.
At some point, niece will want to live alone. She and her husband need to stand on their own two feet and not on niece and your brother’s shoulders.” LouisV25
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Moving sucks in your final year of high school, but giving up a huge career opportunity can also have major effects on the future of the whole family.
There’s no perfect solution in a situation like that. I don’t blame her for wanting to move and her daughter moving with her. It’s the expecting you to buy her the new house that’s the jerk move. Is option 3 legal? Can she really just leave her daughter behind and move away?
Can a 17-year-old be the primary resident of a house? It sounds like it might open her up to things like child abandonment. Does your niece get everything at 18? How far from 18 is she? Also, you say “in lieu of child support”. Was this decision made by the court?
Or can she go after the estate for back child support now?” Usrname52
9. AITJ For Snooping On My Son's Phone To Monitor His Behavior?
“My teen son (16m) has had a smartphone for a while. He and his friends are heavy users of social media – Snapchat, text, TikTok, etc. My husband and I pay for his phone and monthly phone plan. My son is generally a good kid – straight As, has a job, helps around the house.
But he is very influenced by his peers and definitely wants to be “cool”. He sometimes leaves his phone unattended and here’s where I may be the jerk. He doesn’t know it but I will pick up his phone occasionally and read his messages, I admit I can be a snoop.
Recently I was horrified to see how he talks about girls and even to them. He curses at them, he and his friends rank the girls’ looks and he just acts like such a jerk – telling them they are ugly or to STFU. I didn’t raise him to be like that but I think he’s trying to impress his friends because he’ll tell them what he’s said or happening as he is messaging the girls.
This is relatively new as he wasn’t talking to girls a year ago.
I was so upset I confronted him and told him the way he uses his phone and social media is not appropriate and I pointed out some of the specific examples.
Of course he asked how I knew and I told him I looked at this phone but that didn’t matter because I paid for it. He told me everyone talks like that, it’s not a big deal, and he was really upset I went on his phone.
My husband and son think I am the jerk for snooping. I think it’s irrelevant because the behavior my son is exhibiting is awful and needs correcting.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Different families may have different expectations about phone privacy, but they should know up front.
Your son should know if you are going to look through his accounts. “We pay for it” may be a reason for requiring that, but it isn’t a reason to snoop without him knowing. One person’s bad behavior also has nothing to do with another’s.
If you hadn’t found bad behavior would the snooping then suddenly be relevant? Or just be hidden until you found something that made it ‘irrelevant’ and justified? You can’t justify something retroactively like that – it’s not like you looked because someone told you there was a concern.
Address his problem and the privacy issues separately. If you can’t acknowledge that, he’s going to blame the punishments on your snooping and it will be even less likely to sink in. Address his behavior but also set up some new expectations on the phone and what you will or will not do in regards to looking at it.” Pandaora
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kids don’t have an inherent right to privacy (Respect? Yes; Privacy? No), and as a parent it’s your job to monitor the content he is seeing and putting out. While some would say you need to be fully transparent on what you’ll be doing – and that’s fine for some dynamics and some families – that can also just encourage kids to be sneakier with the things they do that they know they shouldn’t.
All that to say, now that this has come up, you can’t just let it completely go unaddressed or it’s going to fester. First, you and your husband need to get on the same page, and then you two need to have a discussion with him about appropriate behavior and that the privilege of privacy is earned with trust. I don’t envy the circumstances you unexpectedly found yourself in, but best of luck in that” Odd_Measurement3643
Another User Comments:
“I do agree that expectations should have been set earlier about access to his phone. I, and many parents I know, have a known rule that as we pay for the phone, we reserve the right to look at it. So – for your son to not expect it, a gentle YTJ on that part of it.
Past that – you found something that you NEED TO DEAL WITH!!! Two kids got expelled from my son’s school for threatening other kids via social media. My son was also a victim of bullying via memes made to mock him. Parents need to pay attention to what their kids are doing on their phones!!!
Your son thinks that how his friends talk is normal. It’s not!!’ And you and your husband need to course correct! Teenagers’ brains are still developing and if left unchecked, they will learn the wrong stuff and do bad things. This is our job as parents.
I wish it was as simple as snooping, but it’s not.” Goalie_LAX_21093
8. AITJ For Calling My Sister's Partner "Intellectually Lazy" For Not Voting?
“I (22F) have a sister (24F) who’s seeing Bob (26M). I’ll be honest, I never liked the guy. I met Bob in a semi-professional setting when I was volunteering as my sister’s PA for her student-owned radio show a few years back.
He came around once to help the technicians for a particularly big show and was insufferable. He was horrible to the point that I told my sister I would never step foot in the studio again if he was there. My sister graduated quickly after this and the show ended so the problem was forgotten.
Fast forward almost a year and my sister was unfaithful to her long-term partner with Bob. Important to note that Bob was a college friend of the partner and had introduced them. I always liked the ex because he was a nice guy and a good partner for my sister so I was bummed. I still tried to put on a good face and be on my best behavior around Bob because he’s the one my sister chose and it’s none of my business how it all went down.
I tried to convince myself he was only insufferable in professional settings and that it’d be alright in private. Wrong. I cannot do so much as express the tiniest bit of interest in something before he starts ridiculing it. Anything can be used as a mockery be it music, sports, or even my literal thesis.
He even makes fun of me for the interests we have in common. I just don’t get it. The few times I tried talking to my sister about it she shuts it down saying it’s just jokes and he has an odd sense of humour.
I still want to see my sister so I take it upon myself to not react when he says stuff like that about me.
I write my thesis about political extremism and I’m very involved in politics. As I was talking with my sister, the conversation drew us to this subject.
She then said that her partner doesn’t vote since he doesn’t know anything about politics and that he is scared of doing the wrong thing. That annoyed me. Bob is a grown man, who owns and runs multiple businesses but politics are too complicated for him?
In a moment of anger I regret, I told my sister that her partner’s disinterest in politics was coming from a place of privilege, that he could afford not to care about politics because it would not affect him in any way shape, or form and that it was purely intellectual laziness with a poor excuse at that.
Let me tell you it did not go well. She just sent me a text saying that if I cannot respect her man then she doesn’t want to see me anymore.
AITJ for saying that about him? Should I have kept my mouth shut to keep the peace (even though I do think it’s true)?”
Another User Comments:
“Bob is a fascist who is too dumb to know he’s a fascist. He’s also a manipulative jerk, as evidenced by everything else you shared here. These people always gravitate toward authoritarianism because it strokes their ego. He’s a loser. Tell your sister she’s seeing a loser.
She can learn the lesson now, or when he sells her out at some future date. They always do.” TheVelvetNo
Another User Comments:
“All elections are important. Over the last 3 decades, I’ve convinced friends who’ve never even registered to vote to not only register to vote but to also vote.
If you don’t vote, then you don’t have any right to complain about the results. Who knows that your vote could have affected the results? Politics affects every single one of us, we should be grateful we live in Countries where we are allowed to vote freely.” tisonlymoi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ obviously. Nothing you said was wrong nor out of pocket /unwarranted. (I’m not a doctor but) it sounds like your sister has some subconscious guilt around the fact that she’s stuck with this awful man because she was unfaithful to her ex with him and it would look even worse for her if they broke up, or something along those lines maybe.
Whatever it is, to me personally, she sounds insecure about her choosing him over her ex and is taking it out on you for calling him out. It seems like your relationship with your sister is really important to you, so I hope it survives her relationship with Bob and that you don’t end up losing your connection with her.
And thank god he’s not actually your brother-in-LAW because hopefully they will never get married!!!!!” trailmixraisins
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Recovering Addict Wife To Drink Wine?
“For context; before I met my wife she was a self-proclaimed heavy drinker and substance abuser who was addicted to some pretty bad substances. A couple of months before we met she decided to quit using substances and went to NA meetings to help her with her sobriety.
After her first meeting, she went to a bar and got intoxicated. After some time she also decided to quit booze. She has been sober for years at this point.
Context for me; I have always been against booze because I don’t like the way it tastes or the way it makes me feel.
Also, I think it makes others make bad decisions and I don’t like being in a state of mind where I can make bad decisions. I am not against substances. At the point of meeting my wife up to now I have only smoked. I met my wife on an app where one of the reasons I wanted to meet her was because she stated that she was sober.
I thought it would be nice to be in a relationship where I didn’t have to DD for the other person or take care of them when they are intoxicated like I have had to do in past relationships.
We had a baby about a year ago and it was really hard on her.
She had bad post-partum depression after a high-risk and not-great pregnancy. We have a beautiful baby boy who we both love and her depression is mostly gone. Sometimes he can still be a huge handful and some doctors have told us that we need to watch for autism in him.
Recently my wife has been talking about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine at the end of the day. That’s fair considering how hard she has it being a stay-at-home mom but I had assumed she was just venting and reminiscing.
That is until she asked me if I would be okay if she did drink wine at the end of the day on hard days. I told her that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that considering her past addiction issues and I explained to her how I feel about booze.
She acquiesced but was obviously unhappy about my reaction.
I feel like a jerk because it is her body and she should be able to do what she wants with it. I am mostly just scared she will fall into old habits but I am also definitely coming at it with a selfish perspective.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not that you’re “not allowing” her to drink. She asked if you’d be okay with it, you gave her an honest answer of how it’d make you concerned and uncomfortable, she chose on her own not to drink. Food for thought though, it might be worth it to follow up on why now she wants to start having the wine at the end of the day and what she’s looking for in having that drink.
If it’s to cope with the stress of hard days, maybe it’s time to check in to make sure she’s not being overwhelmed and maybe have a conversation about finding other, non-booze related, ways to help her decompress and relax after a hard day.” SupermarketNeat4033
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, ahhh, sigh, this is tough but tbh, booze is a depressant, so if she has any form of depression, drinking would certainly not be helpful. You have your son to consider as well. She may need counseling; at the very least a support group would be great.
A lot of parents suffer from PPD, but not many seek help in time. Controlled drinking for a heavy drinker will only be possible for a very short time. A hard day is normal, needing a drink because of a hard day is not. So many sayings, like poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.” randomgirlG
Another User Comments:
“So your wife is asking for permission to self-medicate with booze? Is that what I’m hearing? Well, I’m sure this will end well…. If she feels like she needs to relax, offer to take the baby away from her fully for an hour a day so she can get a break.
Or maybe there are other things that could help her relax that aren’t substance abuse. Like yoga, or running, etc. I’d talk to her about this deeper, and I’d be prepared for a doctor to get involved if she feels like she can’t relax without booze.
At least at that point, she’d be prescribed a specific amount of a medication as opposed to just winging it with booze.” nothximjustbrowsin
6. AITJ For Choosing To Be My Best Friend's Bridesmaid Over My Twin Sister's Matron Of Honor?
“I (37f) and my twin sister have never been close. We have never really liked or disliked each other, even as children and then adolescents. We mostly just coexisted in the same house until I went to college.
We share no friends, hobbies, or interests. We have the same DNA and birthday, which has meant absolutely nothing over the years. We never wore matching outfits or tried to dress opposite because we were identical as children. We don’t hang out, even living in the same town.
We don’t call each other for help. Nothing.
She asked me recently to be her Matron of Honor. I politely told her no because I am already going to be a bridesmaid for my best friend. My friend and I have known each other since we were in elementary school.
We were in the same clubs and on the same sports teams. We had regular sleepovers. Eventually, we went to college in the same state so we could still hang out. We are each other’s go-to for advice, cheering up, and encouragement.
This wouldn’t be an issue except both are marrying on Valentine’s Day next year, as it’s an anniversary for both of them, either their first date or when they officially became a couple.
One is marrying in Hawaii and the other in our hometown in the Midwest. I just can’t do both. Also, I introduced my friend and her fiance, who is also a good friend of mine. I’ve met my sister’s fiance twice and we only spoke a handful of times casually.
My sister is furious. She says my friend is stealing her Matron of Honor after she stole her Maid of Honor spot at my wedding. At that point, she was yelling and calling my friend names and I flat out told her she wouldn’t even have been on the list to be my Maid of Honor anyway because after we moved out, we spoke on major holidays or if someone died. Not because we were mad at each other.
We just have nothing to say to each other. Even then, it’s awkward. Honestly, I wouldn’t even know how to be her Matron of Honor because I know very little about her beyond her job. We have no funny stories. I know nothing about them as a couple.
She would have to write her speech herself.
Now our mother, cousins, and other extended family are calling me and saying I’m not considerate of my family at all. My mother was crying and saying she just wanted to see her daughters together and take photos.
My sister said the same and I really think our mother put her up to asking me because I can’t imagine another reason why she would ask someone she only speaks to on Christmas and then it’s small talk before we go talk to other people.
I honestly thought she had the wrong number at first. My father said they didn’t have a photo of us together alone since we were 10 years old, so it shouldn’t matter now and that both she and my sister are being dramatic. Then everyone said we were both jerks.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kudos to your dad for being the voice of reason while the rest of your family fans the flames to keep the drama going. Sounds like your best friend is more of a sister than your sister and that’s okay.
All of your reasons are valid and even if they weren’t no is a complete sentence. Block everyone who is harassing you. Your sister wasn’t your MOH. Did your mom act a fool then? Did the flying monkeys come out to attack you?
Besides you already committed to being the MOH for your best friend/sister so.” Unicornfarts68
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This situation is like something out of a soap opera that nobody wants to watch. You and your sister clearly don’t have the kind of relationship that warrants you being her Matron of Honor.
You’ve laid it out plainly—you’re more like distant acquaintances than sisters. Asking you to play a pivotal role in her wedding when you barely know each other is like asking a stranger to deliver a eulogy: it’s just not going to be genuine.
Your loyalty lies with your best friend, and rightfully so. You’ve shared a lifetime of memories, inside jokes, and emotional support with her. Meanwhile, your relationship with your sister has been practically non-existent. It’s not about choosing a friend over family; it’s about choosing someone who has actually been a part of your life.
The fact that both weddings are on the same day makes this a no-brainer. You can’t be in two places at once, and it’s unreasonable for anyone to expect you to drop a lifelong friendship for a sisterly duty that would feel like a charade.
Your sister’s reaction, fueled by your mother’s emotional manipulation, is out of line. They’re trying to guilt-trip you into prioritizing a superficial family image over genuine connections. That’s not fair. You’ve made the right choice for your mental well-being and loyalty.
The rest of the family needs to understand that not all sibling relationships are close-knit, and forcing it for a photo op isn’t going to magically fix years of emotional distance.” jakovljevic90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Family is the people who love and support us.
Your biological family is an accident of birth. It sounds like your friend is your chosen sister. If Mom asks again, tell her you will be at your sister’s wedding. Your sister from another mother. She is the one who has been there for you.
Chosen family is important. Keep them close. I’m glad your dad told you what your sister is up to. I like that Dad refused to pay for this wedding. He should refuse to pay for the divorce too. Enjoy your friend’s wedding!” Fickle_Toe1724
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Financially Support My Partner's Failing Family Restaurant?
“My partner (27M)‘s parents own a restaurant that they bought off another owner 5 years ago.
It’s not going well according to them and has been losing money. They want my partner to work for near minimum wage ($15/hour) when he is making $22/h now working as a line cook elsewhere.
He would be acting head chef now that their previous head chef quit and they say they are grooming him to take over the business.
With that wage, he can barely cover rent, food, gas, and anything else. He asked me to cover utilities and I told him his parents should be paying him at LEAST the $22/h from his previous job.
We have been arguing about this for a while since I feel taken advantage of by him and his parents because he can make more, he just chooses not to work for his parents and I have to subsidize it.
He says this will be our path to wealth once we get married and this is a temporary sacrifice from both of us. I don’t know much about the restaurant industry but it seems like this restaurant may go under with or without his help and I’m being asked to sacrifice for something that is failing now.
We argued about it last night because for the last 2 weeks, he hasn’t been home to walk his dog and I have been doing everything for his pet since he went to his parents after work to help out. He called me selfish for not wanting to work more when he is working to better us and I feel like he’s letting his parents take advantage of him and by extension me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Path to wealth!!?? Brother, please. The place can’t afford to pay him now. What is going to change? How will that happen, precisely? In what time frame? What is plan B, if things don’t work out here? Even assuming it can be turned around, what guarantee does he have that he will share in that success?
He wants your support and investment in this. That’s ok to ask. But it’s also ok for you to demand information before you agree. He needs to be very clear about why it’s a good risk and what the limits are. He clearly hasn’t done that.
You’re just being careful with your money. Good for you!” Zahrad70
Another User Comments:
“Restaurants are NOT a path to wealth. They are notorious for being businesses with tiny profit margins that fail far more than any other business. (They fail for all sorts of reasons: fads, bad location, personnel, as well as poor management.
And even the successful ones require long hours by the staff.) One runs a restaurant as an act of love, not as a means to get rich. I’m going to call this NTJ, especially if his sincere reason is to get rich. If he sincerely wants to run his own restaurant, maybe not.
But if that is the case, you are witnessing what your life will be like with him: long hours at work & low wages, punctuated by inevitable business failures. (One can do everything right as a restaurant owner, & still have it fail because of a bad economy or competing fads.) If you don’t share his dream, maybe it’s time to let go of him & move on.” FunnyAnchor123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If this restaurant were the path to wealth, why did he have to work there and why did he have to take a large pay cut when doing so? If the restaurant can only survive by paying wages that only a family member would accept then it’s a money sink.
I can understand wanting to help his parents out and there should be some sympathy in that regard. But he also can’t just decide for you that you now have to pay more than your fair share of the bills, nor abandon his responsibility at home.” Aestro17
4. AITJ For Not Sharing My Inheritance With My Estranged Step-Sister?
“I 28f have just received a fairly large inheritance. It includes a farm with 80 acres of land with 2 separate houses on it and just over $750,000 in cash among other things from my grandparents.
My step-sister 32f and I have never been close. When my mum and stepdad got together she made it quite clear that we aren’t family and she doesn’t like me or my mum. She’s a single mum with 4 kids and is really struggling. Our country is in the middle of a housing crisis and a cost of living crisis and they have just been evicted from their rental property for nonpayment of rent.
They are currently living in one room at a pretty poor-quality motel paid for by the government.
My husband and I already own a nice 3 bedroom unit and are fairly financially comfortable even without my inheritance due to a lot of hard work on our part.
When my inheritance came through I gifted my mum and stepdad the money to clear their mortgage so they now own their own home along with enough to go on their dream holiday. As soon as my step sister found out about the inheritance she called me being all sweet and nice for about 5 minutes asking about my husband and 2 kids etc then asked when she would be getting her share of the money and when they could move into the largest house on the farm.
It took me about 5 seconds to start laughing before telling her that I’ll only be helping family. I hung up and blocked her.
I’m now being called a selfish, spoilt brat by quite a few people. I feel as if she has never treated us as anything but scum she doesn’t deserve anything.
I do feel bad for the kids and want to set up a small trust fund for each of them that they can only access when they turn 18.
For anyone wondering the inheritance came from my deceased dad’s parents who I’ve had little contact with and came as a huge surprise.
I honestly know what it’s like to grow up with not a lot
So AITJ for leaving my stepsister homeless and broke?”
Another User Comments:
“Your stepdad is responsible for helping her if anyone in your family is. That is something he and your mother can sort out if they choose to.
There is nothing wrong with helping her but the way she expected it after ignoring you is pretty gross. A trust fund for her children is a really great and kind idea. Anyone who confronts you should be reminded that they can be of help to your step-sister if they feel so strongly about it.
It isn’t about being selfish. She is hardly more than a stranger to you by it seems her own choice.” ArpeggioTheUnbroken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you are not leaving her homeless and broke. Her choices have done that & it is not your responsibility to fix her mistakes.
You’ve already gone above and beyond by gifting your mother and stepdad money they were not entitled to which cleared their mortgage. They now own a home free & clear- giving them the opportunity to house your stepsister if they wish. Your deceased father’s parents did not intend to, or desire to, provide for a non-family member.
Anyone calling you selfish is welcome to provide for her.” Apprehensive_War9612
Another User Comments:
“You/your mother and her husband should have been discrete about your inheritance and the donation you made to them. I don’t understand why people who inherit can’t keep it under their hat.
The more people know, the more they will come begging. NTJ for refusing step-sis’ money-grab, though. Don’t tell anyone about the trust for her children, if you go ahead with it. It will lead to more conflict and more demands for money.” hadMcDofordinner
3. AITJ For Agreeing With My Sister's Date's Criticism Of Her?
“My sister is the golden child and incredibly entitled. She gets praised for everything she does and always gets complimented by our parents, but everything I do is not enough. I always get told that I could do better, etc.
My sister also uses an app to meet men because no one in real life can handle her personality. She always gets matches (I saw her profile and the pictures look nothing like her). This boosts her ego even more. Eventually, she finds a guy who she thinks will be her one.
They meet a few times and passionately hugged like once, but eventually, the guy tells her that he doesn’t want to be with her. She asks what she did wrong FOR ONCE. He tells her something like:
“To begin with, your photos don’t accurately reflect your appearance.
Additionally, you have a loud and abrasive terrible personality that makes it extremely unbearable and difficult to spend any time with you. You are so full of yourself that I genuinely cringe when you talk about yourself. I’m only meeting with you because you were easy and I wanted a fling but you got boring.”
She ends up crying and shows me what he said to her and I straight up tell her that I agree with everything he said. She calls me a jerk and runs to our parents who yell at me and punish me by turning off my internet.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: were you being brutally honest to help her or to knock her down? I hesitate to call you the jerk for being truthful, but sometimes a harsh dose of reality is what someone needs to be successful.
The only common link in all of her failed relationships is her, and he told her exactly why he was dumping her and you confirmed that it’s not just him that sees it, but your intent behind it really makes the difference. Her behavior is reinforced by your parents so she’s not getting feedback to help her succeed, but if your only intent was to hurt her or knock her down a few pegs then definitely YTJ.
But if you really wanted her to have a reality check so she can be better then you’re only kind of the jerk. It would have been better to wait until she calmed down to have a nicer convo to gently explain that maybe he isn’t completely wrong.” Ijimete
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you were thrilled watching someone twist the knife in her like that. If you wanted to use it as an opportunity to talk to her about ways she could improve herself, that’d be one thing. I’d even applaud it.
It sounds like you just saw an opportunity to rub some salt in the wound. Not productive. Just mean-spirited. Sometimes people who complain so much because they believe their siblings are treated better than them need only to look in the mirror to see why.” MrsEnvinyatar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she’s old enough to be on apps, she’s old enough to be told some honest views on what she is like to other people. If she brings it up again and you want to not lie but also not be considered a major jerk by your parents, just say something like: “Well, I can kind of see where the guy is coming from, although he was perhaps rude in being as direct as he was.
But it’s also normal to not match well with most people, so maybe this one was just bad luck?” If she keeps having no luck online, I’d tell her to try meeting people in person. If she then keeps having no luck, then just hint “Well, if you keep having the same issues, you are either going after the wrong kind of guy and keep picking jerks, or maybe you come across in a way that others don’t like when you do want them to like you.
You can then decide to either listen carefully to any criticism or feedback they have and work on any issues that come out of that, or you can change who you go for and pick guys that do like your attitude and personality.” But yeah, sorry you got punished for being honest in a situation where it seems honesty is what she needs (although doesn’t seem to want).
Good luck dealing with her in the future, she sounds exhausting.” wandering_salad
2. AITJ For Not Taking Complimentary Toiletries From Hotels?
“I’m on a trip with my friends. One of them came to my room to take a bath. She remarked how I hadn’t used the complementary toiletries when I should, used them, & called to have them refreshed. I didn’t think anything of it.
The day we were to leave, she was present while I packed & commented how I hadn’t packed the toiletries.
I said I never do because I don’t need them & it doesn’t feel right. That’s it. Exact words. But she got really offended over it. Went on for minutes about how people like me ruin it for ‘working class’ people like her (we work the same job??).
How it’s our right, included in our bills, & snooty attitudes like the one I’d displayed make the world look down upon the ethical practice of taking toiletries. She couldn’t believe I would choose to be a jerk who sides with big, profit-making hotels instead of the little man.
I thought she might be stressed about something else or maybe I had somehow been insensitive with that remark. I let her be & didn’t react.
When it was our time to check out from the second hotel, the same thing happened all over again.
She’s not a weird person. But she’s so adamant & passionate about this, it’s making me question things.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most people believe that toiletries and stuff in your hotel room are already paid for so it’s not stealing to take them.
They are not entirely wrong in this, but your friend crapping on you for NOT doing the same is crazy and all the claims she made about you ruining it for others make no sense. Your friend might not be weird but she’s wild. Does she also take the towels and robe?” RoseJoy_1980
Another User Comments:
“Look, I take everything from a hotel room that I am allowed to take. Hair products, soaps, shower caps, face wipes, disposable cups, and all the coffee supplies. All of it. If I’m traveling with you and you don’t take yours, I’m taking it too.
There’s nothing wrong with that, it is factored into the cost of your room. But it’s not some ethical requirement to do so, and you not taking it doesn’t say anything about me. Your friend is being weird. She sounds like she has moral qualms about taking stuff and you not taking it reinforces those feelings.
That’s not your problem. You are NTJ.” mellybeans81
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I mean, these things offered as amenities are included in your bill but you don’t have to use/take them with you if you don’t wish (for example, I have oily hair and the shampoo/conditioner offered by the hotel usually makes my hair get oily faster so I prefer to use my own shampoo and conditioner).
Just say that you have no use for these products/you prefer the ones you brought with you and that she is welcome to them if she wishes, or you can throw them in a drawer when housekeeping replaces them. I’m curious, if she stays in a hotel with a pool on a cold/rainy day, will she go in just because “she is paying for it” (or in a hotel with a gym and she arrives late at night and has to check out early, will she cut her sleeping time to use the gym)?
Does she take the towels, robes, bedsheets, pillows, etc.?” -eri-
The complimentary items like soap, toiletries, coffee, etc... those items are paid for, by you. Just like everything else you use in the room.
1. AITJ For Not Paying For My MOH's Bridesmaid Dress?
“I’m getting married in Sept and all of my bridesmaids and I went dress shopping a couple of months ago. For some context we’re all in our mid-20s, employed, with no children, my wedding is out of town for my MOH and a couple of other bridesmaids, but I’m getting a hotel room for all out-of-town bridesmaids for the wedding.
I’ve known my MOH since 5th grade and we were best friends all through school. I moved away for college and we drifted apart, but I’d see her every time I came home.
The dress shopping trip was out of town so I paid for the 2 hotel rooms while we were there and I drove, my mom brought my MOH and a couple of other bridesmaids since they still live in my hometown.
For the dresses, my only requirement for them was that they had to be a specific blue color and no satin material. We spent the whole afternoon trying on dresses and everyone found one they liked, including my MOH. I’ve been told she picked out a $350 dress when most of my other bridesmaids had dresses in the $100-$150 range.
The next day was spent relaxing at the pool where my MOH began complaining to one of my other bridesmaids about having to pay for her dress. Saying it was my wedding, and if I wanted a specific dress for them to wear I should pay for it, and that I didn’t pay for the bridesmaid dress when I was in her wedding (she got married at 18 and we wore old prom dresses we already had).
My bridesmaid told her I was being pretty reasonable with my request and that she could get any dress she wanted in her budget. MOH disagreed and the bridesmaid shrugged her off but told me about it later.
A month later my MOH called me and asked for me to buy her dress for her.
I told her it wouldn’t be fair if I bought her dress and no one else’s and I couldn’t afford to buy everyone’s dress. She said she is the MOH and that everyone would understand it was a privilege she got.
I disagreed and our argument got a little heated. It ended with me saying if she could not get the dress, she couldn’t be in the wedding and I wasn’t budging on this. She hung up on me.
Her mom has since called me saying I’m being very rude for not doing this one thing for her so she can be there on my big day and that I don’t understand what it’s like to not have money for things.
I told her I have struggled before too and understand, but said I’m not paying for the dress because it won’t be fair to all of the other bridesmaids.
I’ve since made one of my other bridesmaids who has helped with all of the planning my MOH and I’ve told my ex-MOH she is still invited and sent her an invitation, but some family is telling me I should have just paid for the dress.
I know ex-MOH is tight on money, but she’s known she was going to be in my wedding for nearly two years at this point so I thought she would set aside money for it. AITJ for not paying for her dress?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It would not be fair to the other bridesmaids if you paid for her dress and not theirs. The most egregious part is the fact that all of your bridesmaids were given your criteria for the dresses and she picked out a $350 dress while the other bridesmaids picked out dresses in the $100- $150 range.
Then she wants you to pay for the $350 dress! If she truly wanted to be in your wedding, she would have saved $100-$150 over a two-year period. Clearly, her desire was to score an expensive dress that she did not have to pay for. As to her mother’s comment, it sounds like you are welcoming her to be there for your big day – just not as a bridesmaid who won’t pay for her dress.” Late_Confidence8101
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here I paid for all my dresses. I set a budget and if you went over, you paid the difference. I didn’t have many just 3 and a MOH and the limit was $300. If my best friend had told me she couldn’t afford it, I would have paid for everything because we are close and she’s my MOH.
As for your response, it’s reasonable. She should have never accepted if she couldn’t afford it when you said they would be paying. I have turned down being a bridesmaid because I don’t want to spend a couple of grand on someone else’s wedding.
I rather attend as a guest. I have been a bridesmaid 2x and it was paid for. People need to have boundaries and priorities for their own pockets. If I can’t afford it without hurting myself, then the answer is no. She should have said no or explained that if she did, she would need help.
Communication is key here.” Far_Nefariousness773
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