People Just Can't Help Themselves In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
25. AITJ For Not Dropping The Issue Of My Partner's Vague Traumatic Past?
“So the weekend went me [F31] and my partner [M31] went out with a few of my friends and had a few drinks. My partner doesn’t drink often, and I thought he was a bit more inebriated than everyone else, so I ended up arranging us a taxi home.
That’s when things got kind of weird. He was obviously out of it, so I put him on the couch, laying down with a bucket next to him just in case (the only other time I’ve seen him inebriated, he vomited a lot!). He started rambling on, some of it completely incoherent, but the pieces that did make sense properly spooked me.
Things like, “It was terrible what we did” “I never should have helped them” or “It was all my fault” but he was also saying “It wasn’t my fault” later on. I kept trying to ask him what he was talking about, but he was completely out of it.
The next day, I asked him about it, but he said he didn’t remember and that it must have just been inebriated nonsense. I left him alone because he looked awful from the hangover, but I asked him again last night, and he said he didn’t remember and asked if we could just drop it.
For some context—and this is probably the reason I am taking it seriously—my partner never talks about his childhood or his family. It is assumed in our friend circle that he came from an abusive situation. We all met in university. I was doing my master’s when he was in his first year.
So he was a few years older than what you might call the normal route, but nothing wildly unusual. We started seeing each other a few years later and have lived together for about four years now. As I mentioned, I have never met anyone from his family or anyone who knew him before university.
So WIBTJ if I don’t drop this, or am I just reading too much into my partner having a rough childhood that he wants to forget—and I should as well?”
Another User Comments:
“Guess I’ll just come out and say it—it is fundamentally odd to live with a romantic partner for four years and when it comes to their entire childhood know little more than rumor.
“It’s assumed he came from an abusive situation” is something you say about a rescue cat, not your live-in partner. The fact that you don’t have tangible information—forget details, just the basic logistics of what happened (e.g., single parent, foster care, heavy drinker caretaker?) is mind-boggling to me.
These basics should have come up through incredibly common ground-level questions (e.g., what do your parents do?) and are important for you to know. You don’t need your partner to return you a detailed autobiography—there’s a certain past business that will always be solely your own—but at four years down the road, you need to know a bit more about who you’re getting in bed with.
You’re tying your boat to that post; financially, emotionally, perhaps genetically. I 100% insist on the conversation—and for goodness’ sake—figure out where dude came from. NTJ.” aemondstareye
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, I find it difficult with my partner of six years who still finds it tough to share any trauma mentioned through vague comments.
I ask questions that always get shut down. You want to be a good partner and help them share and vocalize. They have said that if they ever were to want to dig it all up, they would do it in therapy. Maybe ease that idea into things; however, I would suggest dropping it for now as you’ve been asked to.” ChunkyChappy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Life isn’t some equation of isolated events. His childhood is part of him, and it still affects his current life. Your current life, because it’s a shared life. Especially in a relationship, where you might consider a future together, possibly children, you can’t just leave a part of your life out.
His childhood events are on his mind on the very surface. That means it’s impacting his life every day. Untreated trauma, whether self-inflicted or not, is not something you can just put away in a locked box without creating side effects. If these side effects are impacting your relationship, you owe it to your partner to work it out.
Your question is reasonable to me.” 3vinator
24. AITJ For Keeping My Ex's Polaroid In My Memory Box?
“I’ve (M28) been with my partner (F29) for around 7 years now. Prior to this, I was with my ex for around 4.5 years from the ages of 17 to 21.
My ex & I broke up mutually, as we were both unhappy and had grown apart over time, mostly since we had gotten together so young.
Since we split on good terms, there were no hard feelings, and life just moved on, with me eventually meeting my current partner and us moving in together.
Flash forward to last night, my partner and I were renovating our living room when she came across one of my old TV box sets. Unbeknownst to me, my ex had slipped an old Polaroid selfie of us into this box set when she handed it back post-break-up, and of course, it just had to slide out and ruin our night.
So, once it slipped out, initially my partner just made a few jokes, but then she started demanding that I throw the picture away, which I was quite shocked at. My plan was to just throw it in my memory box, seeing as it’s a snapshot of what my life was like at 17… Well, my partner went wild at this idea and literally started trying to wrestle the picture of me.
Once I got her off, I hid the picture for a while as she was threatening to cut it up, and now I’m unsure what to do.
My idea was to keep it in my memory box so that when I’m older, like in my 60s, I can look back and reminisce about what life was like for me at 17.
I feel like this is pretty reasonable—not like I’m creating a shrine with it for my ex; it’s more about having a snapshot of that specific time period of my life. It feels like being asked to pretend that 4 years of my life didn’t happen in a way, which I feel is pretty unfair.
On the other hand, I can also see it from my partner’s POV and how it could come across as if I still have some weird interest in my ex, despite not showing any in her for 7 years. My partner has been giving me the cold shoulder since, so I’m starting to doubt my decision, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say NTJ because this seems a complete overreaction by your ex. Is she generally controlling and jealous? What reason did she give for wanting you to destroy the picture? INFO: Were the two of you unclothed in the picture?
That is the only thing I can even think of that might get a large reaction. Even then, I guess it’s still a memory of a past you presumably didn’t hide from your current partner, so keeping it with other old photographs seems reasonable.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I don’t see it from your partner’s view at all. Are you supposed to pretend you have no past and never grew from 17 to 21 years old? Of course you’re allowed to keep mementos of people who were important to you from your past!
I mean, don’t keep an ex in a romantic couple photo framed over the mantel, but otherwise, your decision is entirely reasonable. Your partner is acting insecure and unreasonable and may not be for you.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Two reasons: – I had a partner blow up at me about a photo of my ex-wife with our children and insisted I was hanging onto her memory; she’s the mother of my children, for goodness’ sake, I can’t undo that and it’s not inappropriate for the kids to see a photo of them with their mum in THEIR HOME.
– I got back with my partner from when we were 16 in our 40’s and we’re married now (to each other). You never know. I kept the little silver ring I bought her for her 16th birthday, which she threw at me when she dumped me for another boy back then and gave it back to her.
That’s a lifetime of brownie points right there and a cute story she loves to tell.” RudeOrganization550
23. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Get Off Her Phone During Our Hangouts?
“So, I (39F) was in a relationship with Allison (35F, not real name) for a few years, and we just didn’t work out as romantic partners. The more I looked back, it was emotionally unfulfilling for me – no physical or emotional affection. (I’m asexual, and she told me she was demisexual when we started our relationship, but she never told me she was touch averse at all at any point in our relationship.)
Things were tense after our breakup, but we actually managed to rebuild our relationship as friends, and we’ve been friends for years now. I do genuinely care about her, but I’ve been frustrated for a while. When she comes over to hang out, she’s basically on my couch on her phone.
She never gives me any indication of anything she wants to watch, so I usually end up showing her things I’ve found on YouTube or whatever during the time we haven’t seen each other. Most of the time, it’s like I’m talking to myself, and it does my head in.
A couple of weeks ago, I sent her a text saying basically “Hey, new rule – you need to at least try and get off your phone and engage with me a little. It’s really hard for me to compete with your attention.”
She sent me back a text telling me she had no interest in watching whatever ADHD dump I wanted to show her, and how hypocritical it was that I did needlepoint while she was over.
(Additional information: We’re both on the autistic spectrum, and I have ADHD. Needlepoint is one of the things I do when I’m stimming, especially when it’s not something I need to give my full focus to. I’m more than capable of having a conversation while I do it.)
Her being on her phone is something she’s been doing since we were in a relationship, and I’ve asked her not to do it more than once over the many years we’ve known each other. Being ignored like that makes me incredibly anxious, and my brain goes into “Oh God we have to be interesting.
Dance, fat girl, dance!” mode. (It’s especially frustrating if I’m cooking dinner and she doesn’t offer to help at all.)
I absolutely accept that this could be an “everybody sucks here” (or “everybody’s autistic here” lol), but we haven’t talked in a couple of weeks and I’m not even sure if I should message her or just let the ball stay in her court.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Won’t exactly call you a jerk but you’re saying for years you have been asking her to stay off her phone while you two hang out and she never does. At some point you need to either accept she will be on her phone or stop hanging out with her.
No real reason to continue asking the same thing for years when you know the answer” Apart-Scene-9059
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In all honesty, I’m not a believer in staying friends after being in a relationship even if it wasn’t for long. A lot of the time one or both people expect way too much from the other and sometimes even hold things against the other without even realizing it.
Those were harsh words she said to you, just plain rude. If this has been an ongoing issue, she’s not going to stop – and if she does, she will most likely resent you for it. My advice? Take a break. Don’t ignore her, but let her know this has really been bothering you and you just need time to process things and focus on what you need. If she can’t accept that you’re a human being deserving of attention from a good friend, she’s not worth your time.” Klutzy-Ad-3239
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she didn’t want to watch the same thing you did, she should have communicated. Heck, if you don’t like her on the phone and she doesn’t want to watch the TV you suggest, then maybe if you want to continue to hang out you find a different activity that would interest you both and not lead to her being on her phone.
Before that, though, maybe you need to think about if this is a friendship you want to salvage or not.” Stranger0nReddit
22. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Move Out Over Their Passive Aggressive Behavior?
“My roommate (25) and I (28) have been living together for about two and a half years. We used to be friends but recently had a bad falling out that had to be resolved with the help of a mutual friend. In this falling out, my roommate had decided the friendship was over several months before telling me/deciding to do anything about it.
They gave me the silent treatment for weeks before I decided we needed to have a mediated talk.
Post our mediated discussion, we agreed that we were not going to be friends, just roommates. But my roommate isn’t even treating me as well as they would a stranger!
They don’t say anything to me unless I say something first, and when they do speak it’s just “hi” or “good morning” or during our weekly roommate meetings where we discuss chores/household matters.
Recently, they’ve even been leaving the room when I come in.
They don’t say anything, they just get up and go to their room. They glare at me. I find this extremely hurtful, especially in the wake of their weeks of silence. During our last meeting, they brought up that they were uninviting me from plans that we had made months prior since we were “just roommates” and I got mad at them.
I said that we aren’t even “just roommates” and that I know that they don’t treat strangers this poorly, so why are they treating me this poorly? I told them that since they were the ones who were making this living situation untenable for me, they should move out.
They told me they couldn’t afford it, and I suggested that they stop eating out as much so that they could save up and leave. This resulted in a very heated argument where they told me I infuriated them, was childish, etc etc.
Am I the jerk for asking them to move out?
I think I might be the jerk since I know the rental market right now is bad, and moving out isn’t a small thing to do. My suggesting this also clearly upset them a lot.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Suggesting they stop eating out so they can save up and move out?
Making a comment like that about anybody else’s financial situation is so inappropriate. I understand your feelings are hurt but your roommate has made it clear they do not want to be friends with you anymore. Your relationship has changed from being friends to just being roommates.
That means boundaries have changed as well. Keeping conversations short and sweet, keeping to themselves, and not including you in plans is not rude. They aren’t obligated to make small talk with you or stay in the shared spaces with you. Nothing you’ve said has indicated that they are treating you poorly.
Your response absolutely was childish and your roommate has every right to be upset with you as long as they are paying their rent on time, doing their chores, communicating about household matters, etc like you said they are, they are being a good roommate.
They don’t have to be your friend to be a good roommate. Expecting them to move out to accommodate your hurt feelings when they’ve done nothing wrong is absurd” ViewAshamed2689
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, especially after reading through the comments. You sound like you have a need to police the emotions of people around you in order to feel okay with yourself.
Your roommate is drawing a boundary, and if you are uncomfortable with that boundary then YOU should move out. Actually, you sound a lot like my first college roommate. We were assigned to each other randomly. We talked a lot in the beginning, but as we got to know each other better I realized that the chemistry wasn’t great for us to be friends so I stepped back.
She wasn’t cool with this, and it became apparent that she was under the impression that I was basically her assigned best friend. One day she blew up at me for just sitting on my computer messaging my friends online because her logic is that if I’m going to chat with friends, it should be with her because she’s in the room with me.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“If you’re on the lease, they either act with a basic level of respect or they can go away. You’re not a charity. If you’re both on the lease equally you either stick it out or you go. They likely can’t pay solo for the place anyway so either way they will be screwed and the situation resolved. **NTJ**” Imposibilitulatility
21. AITJ For Sharing Leftover Pizza With A Hungry Yard Worker Instead Of Saving It For My Husband?
“My (44F) spouse (52M) had to work this Friday and Saturday evenings. He ate dinner before he went to work. I picked up the kids from school, ordered and picked up a pizza, which was cheap and not particularly tasty. My husband knew this was the plan and asked me to save him some pizza.
We had dinner and I put the kids to bed. I wasn’t very hungry, so more than half the pizza was left over.
At that point “Jim,” a man who we’ve paid from time to time to do yard work in the six years we’ve been living here, stopped by.
He’s been looking skinnier and less and less healthy every time I see him, and he usually asks for food when he stops by to see if we need anything done (I’ve started proactively offering him food when I see him so he doesn’t have to ask).
I say he can rake the leaves, and he goes to get his rake. I set aside a couple of slices of leftover pizza and some other food (oranges, yogurt, etc.) that we have plenty of. There are still three slices of pizza for my husband, as well as lots of other food.
Jim didn’t come back (I hope he’s okay!). But the next morning my husband asked how the night went. The kids (8 and 5) pretended I’d given the whole pizza away (knowing this would get a rise out of my husband). I said, “Of course, we saved some for you.” He looked in the fridge and saw the bag of food I’d set aside for Jim, got upset, and said we’d discuss it later.
Later, he asked me not to give away the food he had wanted for Jim. I said, I was planning to give Jim the food I would’ve eaten, but I wasn’t hungry last night; and there are still three slices for you. My husband got angry, saying if I wanted to give food away to Jim I should use my own money.
(I have a full-time paid job and make almost as much as my husband, so my income also purchased the pizza.) I said, I hear your request, but I stand by my choice, and I wouldn’t do it differently if Jim were to show up again.
He’s hungry and in need, and I saved pizza for you as you asked. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You paid for the pizza with your income. You would have eaten those slices if you were hungry anyway. The husband is still getting three slices (which sounds like a large chunk of this pizza if I am reading correctly).
Husband should recognize that the real problem here is the kids giving out misinformation to start a fight among their parents and deal with that.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave food to a person in need. That’s good on you and you should have that satisfaction.
Your husband should get over it and eat a PB&J. In two days, he won’t remember unless he obsesses over it. Jim, OTOH, that might be the best food he gets this week. Always help those in need; yours may be the only hand they get.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And tempting to let him shop for his food with his money and cook it. Do what he wants with what’s left. As much food as ends up in trash cans, better if it’s an appreciative tummy. Maybe the kids won’t poke the bear again that gets him being abusive to you.” pensaha
20. AITJ For Calling Out My Dad For Falling Asleep With My Newborn?
“My son was born on 1/31/2024 and my parents live with my husband and me. My husband and I were advised in our childcare classes and even at the hospital that no one should fall asleep when holding NB and to either place the baby in a bassinet or hand it off to an awake individual. So, we agreed with this 1000%.
We had communicated this boundary with my parents during my pregnancy and at home after delivery. My husband and I have caught my dad four times now falling asleep with the baby in his arms. The first time I literally saw his hands drop with the baby lying in his arms at an angled/elevated seated position.
The third time, my husband spoke to him as he was dozing off and asked if he was good, in which he replied “ya” as he slowly woke up. The fourth time I caught him, he sternly raised his voice at me, telling me he was awake and instructing me not to panic as he was slowly waking up from dozing off.
Of course, I was mad. My husband was irritated. The day before, when I reminded him of our boundary, he even agreed with me about how much has changed in the last 30 years of childcare. He would tell me I used to sleep on his tummy when I was a baby or sleep next to him on the mattress.
I even explained that nowadays, it’s considered unsafe to do that, and he understood and agreed.
When I confronted my dad about it, I told him I had every right to panic because the baby is my son. I, as the parent, have every right to panic, especially when he’s not doing something that he initially agreed to do.
After calling him out on the fourth time he dozed off holding my NB, he got upset and shut down, and now he’s not even acknowledging my presence at the moment.
So, with all that being said – (1) AITJ for calling out my dad and trying to establish boundaries for my NB son with my dad after he repeatedly did something my husband and I were not okay with even after he understood and agreed with our boundary?
(2) Was I too harsh on my dad and should I have just not said anything and let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people may be divided on parenting techniques, and that’s okay. But at the end of the day, you had a very reasonable, realistic ask, that was agreed to by everyone.
YOU are the parent of the kiddo. I’d make it clear that their visitation with, and physical contact with, YOUR child is a privilege. It can be revoked.” kikikoni
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. NTJ. NTJ. My son and his wife do things very differently than I did when my kids were children.
Yes, they survived. But the reason we do things differently now is because there were enough people whose kids did not survive. I follow whatever rules my son and his wife set for their children, no questions asked. These are not my children to make decisions for.
Does your Dad want to follow the rules or be the grandparent who has to live with the knowledge that he dropped the baby or rolled over and smothered the baby in his sleep?” Mimila1111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have every right to set boundaries.
Some people play the “I did it and you turned out fine” card, but it’s invalid. Some parents think things like this are okay because they did it and nothing bad happened. Hospitals advise against it because they get the cases where something bad did happen.” Zestyclose_Tree8660
19. AITJ For Expecting My Fiancée To Wake Up On Her Own?
“My partner simply can’t get up in the morning unless it is for work. She often has to get up at ungodly hours for work, but I can count on one hand the number of times she has overslept for work in the more than 10 years she has worked there.
Outside of work, though, it is a different story. She regularly gets up to a week off at a time, and I will sometimes call her after lunch to find that she is still asleep and our barely housetrained puppy hasn’t been out since I left. She is also supposed to take the dog out in the morning since I have severe morning nausea and have needed to turn around with the dog, rushing to get back to the bathroom to throw up.
We recently went to my mother’s house to look over my wedding dress. My partner went straight to the couch and fell asleep, not even taking the dog out while I was literally pinned into my dress and unable to move, and she was grumpy when we asked for help with reference photos.
In the mornings, she does not react to her very loud alarms, but she will somehow immediately turn them off if she hears me sigh. She will ignore my gentle attempts at waking her up, and then, when I lose my patience after one to two hours of trying, she gets angry at me for waking her up rudely.
She will say I’m a jerk and that I am nagging.
We have had to cancel plans because she does not get up, and I frankly cannot handle the responsibility of getting her up since I have a PTSD diagnosis, and part of that is tied to a specific trauma of waking people up.
This trauma was caused by her several years ago, and I have explained why she needs to get up on her own.
I have suggested doing a sleep study. I have asked her to change up her alarms. I have ignored her and gone about my day, leading to canceled plans.
I do not know what to do. She does so much for me, and I feel like I am a jerk asking for more. She wants kids, but this behavior makes that seem like a nightmare to me.
So am I the jerk for wanting her to get up on her own?”
Another User Comments:
“N TJ. It bothers me that you already mentioned your trigger, yet she didn’t do anything about it. Her difficulty in having a proper body clock could be a health-related problem, as it affects her behavior and should be addressed by a medical expert.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know if anyone’s a jerk here. I was going to say she’s a jerk until you mentioned she fell asleep on the couch. I worked graveyard for years, and it sucks. You’re never fully awake but never really get to sleep either.
I think a sleep study might be a good idea, but it’s probably the job. My own two cents: I don’t think you guys are in the right place for children yet.” ProinsiasCuster90
Another User Comments:
“How much sleep is she actually getting? If she’s getting a decent amount and she’s that exhausted, even with a weird schedule, that’s concerning.
NTJ though, because tired or not, she’s got a puppy to care for. Do not have children with this person until she drastically changes in this area.” Living-Highlight7777
18. AITJ For Adopting A FeLV-Positive Community Cat Over My Cousin's Wishes?
“My cousin Stella (42) lives on a large property and has wanted to build a catio for her pets for a while.
She had to wait, however, because she was worried about Snotty and a couple of other strays harassing them—literally climbing onto the backyard porch and hissing at them from the glass doors. She reported them as nuisance animals to Animal Control and was advised to set traps.
She caught Snotty, got him checked out at the vet to make sure he wasn’t someone’s lost cat and came up with nothing.
Now Snotty was very sick. He tested positive for FeLV and they were considering putting him down. This is where I came in.
My dog passed away back in November, and our house was very lonely without an animal. I had taken care of disabled cats before and decided to take a risk. I paid for all his vet bills and was finally able to take him home on May 20th.
For a former feral, he’s friendly. And he loves my five-year-old. I often catch them hanging out, watching the television, or sleeping in his bed. The only time he fights me is when I try to give him his medication. Stella called recently and said she was getting heat from her neighbors.
They had caught wind of her traps (which took them long enough) and demanded she return their “community cats.” Apparently, they were feeding the local colony and got attached.
My family’s just as attached. I went on the town’s social media group and explained that Snotty was already adopted and living the best life.
There was no way in heck he was becoming homeless again. I got dogpiled. One mom said I made her kids cry. Another said that I took the only happiness keeping their elderly parent alive (Wow, dramatic much?). Some lady kept spamming my messages until I blocked her, calling me transphobic slurs.
Am I the jerk for refusing to return a “community cat”?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You gave a sick cat health and a good home. Were any of these “community” members lining up to get him treated? No? Then with due respect, they can be quiet.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, cats shouldn’t be living outdoors for a myriad of reasons and FeLV is contagious. All their “community” cats were going to end up dying from it. Finding cats to adopt is the easiest thing in the world. If the elderly neighbors and kids are sad, they can drop by the humane society and adopt one.” weirdcrabdog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not like you guys put the cat down. As for the person who said this was the only thing keeping their elderly parent alive, well then it seems they should focus on finding something else to keep them alive rather than worrying about a cat who is now in a good home.” nackle09
17. AITJ For Bringing My Partner To A Family Visit Despite My Brother-In-Law's Discomfort?
“My (24M) brother (27M), sister (37F), and I thought it would be nice if we all organized a little trip to go visit our mom, as it’s been a bit since we’ve all seen her.
My sister brought her husband (38M) and two kids, and I brought my partner (24M). I thought it would be okay since my mom adores him and vice versa. I even asked my mom if I could bring him, and she was fine with it.
However, last night after everyone else went to bed, I was hanging out on the porch shooting the crap with my BIL. We were just chatting, but after a while, he mentioned how he thought it was “inappropriate” that I brought my partner along. I asked why he thought that, and he said it made him “uncomfortable” to have a non-family member at a family visit.
For context, I’ve been with my partner for 3 years; he’s not a random fling. I told my BIL that I didn’t think it was a big deal, and that as long as I wasn’t freaking him on the kitchen table during family dinners there wasn’t any reason for him not to be there.
BIL got pretty angry at that, and to be honest I feel like I may have gone out of line. He said again that I shouldn’t have brought my partner, then got up and went inside.
I feel pretty crappy. I know this isn’t about him being a non-family member; it’s about him being, well, a him.
I understand that a lot of people have issues with gay couples, and I don’t want to cause issues or have my BIL think that I’m forcing my relationship into his face. Also, I feel like that table-freaking comment may have been pretty unhinged.
I just don’t know what to do; for one, I don’t want to cause unnecessary strain on my relationship with my BIL, but at the same time, I want my partner to be comfortable and I don’t want to get him involved in anything or make him feel bad for being here.
I think I could have avoided this whole thing by just leaving him at home.
So, AITJ for bringing my partner along on a family visit?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re a grown man in a 3-year relationship and even asked your mom if it was ok..
NTJ. He’s not even blood-related and he’s tryna tell you that he is uncomfortable with a non-family member there visiting YOUR mother. Guess that means you need to tie the knot sooner than later so that you can be allowed to have your SO there with you.” xCoffee-Addictx
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That table-freaking comment was hilarious and may have been a little out of pocket, but you definitely aren’t responsible for your BIL being uncomfortable with your relationship. And you’re not “forcing” your relationship in his face. It doesn’t even matter how long you and your partner have been together, if you care abt him enough to want to include him in family trips then you have that right, and so long as he isn’t a jerk ruining everyone’s time (which he clearly isn’t) and y’all aren’t actually freaking on the tables LOL then there’s no problem.
If your BIL cares so much abt family then he should know that you having a partner comes with the territory and he should get used to it sooner rather than later.” rkaean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You’re right that the comment was a little extreme… But that’s assuming this conversation is the only time he’s been rude about your partner.
If he’s made a habit of making comments around you, then he might have deserved it! Based only on this conversation though, it seemed like a drastic escalation. However, he had no right to comment on who you bring home with you in the first place.
After 3 years your partner is probably in the ‘practically family’ group anyway… Unless you only just started bringing him around. But even if this was your first time bringing him, you checked with your mom first and her opinion was the only one that mattered since she was the one you were going to visit.
Tell BIL to keep his comments to himself and tell your sister that her husband needs to learn to respect your partner or he can be the one to stay home from family gatherings.” VixenNoire
16. AITJ For Sending Gifts After Being Disinvited From My Niece's Baby Shower?
“My niece recently mailed me an invitation to her baby shower. This is my niece’s first child, and she already knows that she will be having a little girl. Ever since I found out that my niece is expecting, I have been buying presents for my new grand-niece.
(I have always wanted a daughter of my own, but my first pregnancy ended in the miscarriage of my little girl. I was blessed with three healthy sons after my miscarriage, and I only got a little girl by buying a female puppy.)
Since my niece is the closest thing I have to a daughter of my own, I have always doted on her.
Now that she is expecting a little girl of her own, I couldn’t be happier!
After receiving my niece’s baby shower invitation in the mail, I called my sister-in-law to RSVP. Unfortunately, my SIL told me that they really didn’t expect me to come because my SIL and niece are both teachers who are currently still working, so they wouldn’t have much time to spend with me over a Friday to Sunday visit.
Red flags went up immediately as soon as I read my SIL’s “disinvite”. First of all, no teachers I know work over the weekend on Saturday and Sunday, especially when a first-time baby shower is planned. In addition to that, my only brother—my SIL’s husband and my niece’s father—has been retired since age 50, so he would be around all the time, even if my SIL and niece would not be because they’re “teaching”.
It became shockingly apparent to me that it is actually my own brother who did not want me there. He simply used his wife, my SIL, to “cover” for him.
I mailed the “Dad-To-Be”, “Mom-To-Be”, and “Baby-To-Be” gifts to my niece and her husband the day after being “disinvited”, along with a card to my niece, in which I wrote the following message: “Despite what your father and mother think of me and my sons, my attitude toward you, your husband, and your new baby will never change.
I will always, always love you.”
After opening the gifts, my niece sent me a text thanking me for all of the thoughtful gifts. She never once mentioned the fact that I had been disinvited to her baby shower by her parents. Am I The Jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your passive-aggressive “Despite what your father and mother think of me….” made your entire gift look like it was more about you than about the baby, and made you a jerk. Your brother has an issue with you and is being a jerk by not being open and having a conversation about why.
In your post, you seem to come on very strong. Is it possible that maybe you make things about yourself/want attention for “being a great aunt” or otherwise take the spotlight away from others? Your niece received your gift and thanked you. Your beef is with your brother.
Take it up with him and back off the rest of the family. Good luck.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/ESH. You jumped to a lot of conclusions. You received an invite to a baby shower and took it for a whole weekend invitation. I don’t know if that’s the custom for you and them, or they live so far away, or what.
But for whatever reason, they were not prepared to house and entertain you for a 3-day weekend for reasons you don’t know but are assuming. While it is understandable to be hurt about that, it would be appropriate to ask the brother and SIL about it for a discussion first to find out what’s going on, not the way you handled it.
I want to say they are jerks too for sending invites to people they don’t think can come, but the truth is that happens all the time in weddings and other events. It’s kind of a courtesy “invite”. But when the invite is sent, DON’T take it back.
Then again, not every invite is a “stay with me for 3 days” situation. This situation is a little murky.” TheVue221
15. AITJ For Calling Out A Creep In Front Of A New Resident?
“I, 26F, am currently living in a homeless shelter. A bit of backstory: A few months ago, there was an 18F who only spoke Spanish, and one of the guys here, Mark (65), befriended her.
(Or so I thought.) I later heard him telling his guy friends that he was being intimate with her, that they were an item and other gross stuff about her. I confronted him and told him that he was old enough to be her grandfather and that it was so gross what he was doing.
I also talked to her and let her know what he was saying about her. She was horrified, to say the least. Anyway, she got an apartment a month ago, so she’s no longer here.
Now, to the present, we recently got a new resident, Jenny (20).
All the women in the dorm welcomed her and let her know about the rules and, of course, about the resident creep we have. When she came down for dinner, he wasted no time offering to help, serving her food, getting her stuff, and offering to show her around—basically being too nice.
When I came down to my table, she said, “You weren’t kidding when you called him an opportunist.” I then said loudly, “Yeah, it sucks when there are creeps.” He then said, “Say that louder, say it in my face,” so I said, “You’re a freaking creep.” He then got up and told Jenny about the other girl who had left and how people were talking badly about them and making up rumors that they were being intimate.
I got so mad and told him, “No, you were telling people; you were being intimate with her.
No one else was saying these things but you, you freaking disgusting creep!” He didn’t have anything to say to that and went back to his table.
I apologized to Jenny for being loud, and she said, “No worries, I appreciate it.” The issue is that she has not been back since that day; it’s been like six days. Some of the women who saw the whole thing said I might have embarrassed her or even scared her away.
I don’t think I’m the jerk for calling him out, but, am I the Jerk for confronting him in front of Jenny?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If people didn’t call creeps out, they continue getting away with stuff. This Jenny might have just found somewhere else to be.
I doubt you scared her off if she said she was appreciative of you warning her and telling him off. If anything, the creep would have scared her off rather than you.” Gumgums66
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! What a gross guy. If it did scare her off, it wasn’t anything to do with you.
Way to call out his disgusting behavior. Keep doing it until he stops pestering new women. No one should feel bad for trying to stop creeps like this.” Upbeat_History7090
14. AITJ For Leaving Megan Alone At The Bar When She Refused To Leave?
“I (29F) recently went on a girls’ trip to Austin with 6 other women. Some were my good friends, while others were more friends of friends, but the woman I knew the least was named “Megan”.
I had met her a few times, and she was always pleasant, but we never really bonded. The trip went well, and we had fun with no issues. On the last night, we went to a bar, and by the end of the night, it was just Megan, Taylor, and me.
I was pretty buzzed, but Taylor was extremely intoxicated and throwing up in the bathroom, so I called an Uber and started looking for Megan when I found her at the bar flirting with a guy. I told her Taylor and I were leaving, and she said that she didn’t want to go.
I said that Taylor was sick and that she needed to go. It went against all of my girl code instincts to leave her at the bar alone, but she still refused to come with us. Not knowing her very well, I didn’t feel comfortable demanding that she come with us.
She seemed tipsy, but okay.
Our Uber arrived, and thinking that Taylor was going to throw up on the bar floor, I pulled her outside, and we left. When we got back to our Air B&B, our other friends who were still awake asked where Megan was.
I told them that she wouldn’t leave with us and that she was still at the bar. They all began to yell at me that I shouldn’t have left her there. I told them that she wouldn’t come with us and that Taylor was sick and was probably going to get us kicked out, so we had to leave.
Megan came home about an hour later and was fine, but the next morning, she and some of our friends were still mad at me for leaving her and said that I “should know better than to leave another girl at the bar alone because God knows what could have happened.” I apologized, but some of them still seemed mad at me.
AITJ for not doing more to get her to come with us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Why would you even need to apologize? I guess if it’s such a big deal then next time you’ll make sure the intoxicated friend you’re escorting throws up on the person that’s refusing to leave so you can force her to come with.
So is your only fault here not finding a creative solution to force Megan back against her will?” Lucallia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Megan (and anyone else who doesn’t want to be left behind) needs to agree to leave when the rest of the group is leaving.
Your intoxicated/puking friend needed to be taken home; you didn’t have much choice here. If Megan was wasted, call the friends who already left.” JazzyKnowsBest13
13. AITJ For Declining To Recommend My Lazy Childhood Friend For A High-Paced Job?
“So my friend Jessica and my mother’s friend have been friends since grade school. Really close too, as my family and her family are friends as well. While I love Jessica (we quite literally grew up together), her work ethic is very poor. She often arrives late to places, calls in “sick” often, lacks concern for deadlines, and lacks productivity in a workplace setting.
These traits are fundamental in any workplace, but my workplace is extremely high intensity and fast-paced. When it comes to employment and academics, Jessica is just all around lazy and not interested and has been since we were younger. Jessica also goes out every weekend, which is fine; however, working on those days is required for the role at my job.
Her parents also fund her purchases for when she does call out sick or refuses to go to work, so money is relatively not an issue for her per se.
Regarding my job, I work in a legal setting (in my field of study) and have been working there for over a year.
I am really good friends with the current manager and the supervisor of the workplace. I am not sure if Jessica knows that I am friends with the manager and the supervisor of the workplace.
Now, Jessica is asking me for help to get a job at my workplace.
I can quite literally speak to the manager and supervisor of the place to state that one of my friends is interested in the job (and there’s a 95% chance she’d get the job), but I am extremely hesitant to make such a recommendation.
I would hate (and be immensely embarrassed) if Jessica demonstrated her poor work ethic and management later regretted hiring her. Not only that, it would look so bad on my part as I would have asked them to take a chance on Jessica, only for her to mess up my reputation and relationships with my co-workers.
I just don’t want helping her get this job to also end up screwing me over.”
Another User Comments:
“Give her the info to submit her resume, because, honestly, she can find that out anywhere. If asked by the manager and supervisor, simply state that you do know her, she’s been a friend since childhood, you can speak about her personally, but please contact her references for a professional recommendation.
NTJ.” PleaseCoffeeMe
Another User Comments:
“YWNTBJ, don’t do it. She can apply herself if she wants to. If your manager asks, tell them you can’t be a professional reference. You can always tell her you did the best you could but you aren’t in charge of hiring.
The thing with childhood friends is that you sometimes grow up to be very different people. Maybe if you met as adults you wouldn’t be friends. You can still love her, but don’t jeopardize your credibility.” Puzzleheaded_Radish8
Another User Comments:
“This happened to one of my colleagues years ago.
She recommended her brother’s partner for a job where we worked and the partner turned up in sweat pants and was completely uninterested in the interview. My colleague was so embarrassed. None of us thought any less of her for it, but she was mortified. YWNTBJ for not recommending your friend.
You’re probably saving yourself a lot of grief and embarrassment by saying no.” [deleted]
12. AITJ For Unleashing Honest Critique Of A Culinary Experiment Gone Wrong?
“I’m going to jump right in. So, I’ve got this buddy, let’s call him Mark, and we go way back – like old college pals. I met him before he met his wife, and I’m 40 now, so that should give you a reference.
Mark’s wife, let’s call her Lisa, is quite a culinary enthusiast. She takes pride in whipping up dishes that are, well, let’s just say unique.
All of our friends tried to dodge coming over for dinner at his house due to this “experimentation,” but this time we couldn’t. Now, let’s dive into the juicy part: I was invited over for dinner last weekend along with a bunch of our friends.
As I walked into their home, her culinary invention hit him in the face like a bus – a mix between potpourri and something from the back alley of a morgue.
Anyway, everyone sat around the dinner table, and Lisa served her ‘Flavor Fusion’ casserole. Now, I’m all for trying new foods, but this dish… oh boy.
Then, as everyone started eating it, Mark shot me the look, saying “Brace yourself.” I managed to get it down my gullet, and then Lisa turned to me and asked what I thought of it.
I looked her straight in the eye, channeling my inner honesty, and I said, “Lisa, it’s an experience, to say the least. It’s like my taste buds are on a rollercoaster and not entirely sure whether they’re loving it or hanging on for dear life.” While I was saying it, Mark was trying hard to suppress his laughter.
Lisa clearly didn’t take this well, but she just said, “Well, it’s an acquired taste.” And with that, we finished up, and then we had a lot of fun for the rest of the evening.
Fast forward a few days, and Mark took me aside for a “friendly chat.” He let me know that Lisa was a bit hurt by my comments and felt like I didn’t quite grasp her culinary masterpiece.
He acknowledged my tendency to speak my mind, and he suggested that sometimes a touch of diplomacy could go a long way.
Am I the jerk for unleashing my inner truth-teller and giving Lisa some candid feedback about her flavor-packed casserole? Should I have just smiled and nodded along, pretending to enjoy her assault against the culinary arts?
Lay it on me – unfiltered and candid.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All you did was say the equivalent of “This dish is not for me.”, which is as ‘diplomatic’ as it could get, when someone looks to you for feedback on something you didn’t like at all.
Besides, if she asks for feedback, then she should have braced herself for the possibility that not everyone will give her praise for her culinary vision.” Forsaken_Fluff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were polite. You simply didn’t lie and pretend it was wonderful when you were asked. Lisa deserves to learn her cooking is too experimental for some situations.
She can choose to keep serving whatever she serves, but people are unlikely to enjoy it.” ggcc789
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s totally fine to be honest and she probably needed to know, but you were condescending in your delivery. You were dramatic about it in this post too.
Instead of describing what was in the casserole and what made it bad, you described it as coming from the morgue. That doesn’t help us as the reader, and your comment doesn’t help her as a cook. You could have actually given a constructive response.” holliday_doc_1995
11. AITJ For Asking To Reduce Weekly Meetings With My Bio Mom?
“So I (17 M) was adopted when I was a newborn. Every adoptee has a different experience, but my experience was great. I have three siblings who are biologically related to my parents, but I never once felt like I was adopted; it wasn’t really something I thought about.
My mom and dad treated me and my siblings the same. Don’t get me wrong, they can be annoying—like when they see me or my sibling using our phones in peace and then remind us that there was a chore—but they are great parents, and I don’t think I can imagine my life without my siblings and parents.
Now my bio mom has reached out to my parents, and they told me that she wanted to meet up and talk. We met up, and she told me how her parents forced her to give the baby away, which has been weighing on her.
I feel a bit of empathy, but I really don’t care. I don’t dislike her, but it feels like hearing a stranger tell me a sad story; all I can think is that it’s sad, but what does it have to do with me?
I guess I’m a bit dissociated. She has asked me if we could meet once a week, and we have for 2 months; however, it has just been so awkward. I feel kind of bad for not being empathetic, but these meetings are something I dread.
She keeps talking about how I have siblings and she can’t wait for me to meet them, telling me about her current family and asking me about myself, but as for me, I just really don’t care that much, so I find myself simply nodding and waiting for the hour to be over so that I can ask to leave.
My parents told me that they would support whichever decision I made regarding her. Would I be a jerk if I asked her to stop meeting with me?
I don’t know what I am supposed to do. My older sister thinks I am not really processing everything; she doesn’t think I should make that decision yet, but I am not sure if that is because I have only had 2 months to think about it.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Once a week is a bit much, but I would recommend that you continue to maintain a relationship in the event you ever need to know your medical history or require an organ donation, etc. Don’t fully close a door that you may want to be opened in the future.” Impossible_Rain_4727
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think her request to meet once a week is a bit much. It seems like she’s trying to make up for lost time, but it doesn’t really work that way. I think that’s a lot to demand of a person who may be processing a lot of emotions, especially at your age.
I would be honest and gently say that it feels a little intense and ask to reduce the frequency—maybe to every 6-8 weeks—and take it from there. You may warm up to her and the situation with the longer breaks. Good luck.” Kagipace
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I do think you’re young and may find that in 5 years you want more of a relationship, so I wouldn’t fully seek to cut her out. But perhaps tell her it’s great to have met her, although you think these monthly meetings are a bit much considering your complete lack of contact for the last 17 years of your life.
I sympathize with your mother, but she wasn’t there for your formative years. I’d seek to dial back so as not to burn the bridge if you want something later on, but it’s your choice regardless, and I would say you’re NTJ. If she spends a lot of time talking about your bio siblings and family, I would make a point of bringing up your found family, who has been there, to help her realize that you aren’t hurting and that you’re happy with the family who has been in your life.” NorthOfTheBordur
10. AITJ For Not Including Slow Dances At My Wedding?
“I’m getting married next month and my future groom and I are nailing down last-minute playlist decisions. We have a mix of ages coming to the wedding but mostly young people (younger than 40).
Our friend groups LOVE going out to clubs and dancing.
Here’s the dilemma. We aren’t planning any slow dance songs since it’s not really our vibe. Our DJ actually recommended it because he said it can break up the dance floor vibe.
He said we don’t need to have it and we plan to play a variety of decades when it comes to dance music. Slow songs were actually on our do-not-play list.
My future MIL told me I need slow dances for the older folks so they can take a break from dancing.
I told her that wasn’t really what we had envisioned and that there would be other things to do at our wedding if somebody needed a break—dessert table, lemonade station, Photo Booth. Plus, all of the guest tables will surround the dance floor so even if somebody is sitting down they’ll still be near the action.
She told me again that we need slow dances and that the older people will appreciate it. I forgot what specifically was said, but we went back and forth a few times. I felt like she was telling me what we needed to do, instead of asking or suggesting.
About a week later, my fiancé asked me out of the blue if we were going to have slow dances. I didn’t want to put him on the spot, but I wondered if his mother reached out to him to try to convince me.
He did take my side on it. My own mom said I could consider doing one slow dance, but I really don’t want to mess up the vibe of the dance floor. The dancing part is the biggest thing I’m looking forward to after the staples—getting married, the dance with my father, the speeches, lol.
And with the DJ’s warning, too, about it possibly messing with the vibe, I feel more inclined to listen to the expert.
WIBTJ if I don’t do a slow dance at my wedding? Also, if it’s relevant, my in-laws aren’t paying for any part of the wedding.
My parents are paying for it, and they said it’s our choice with dances.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, however A BIG BUT. They will be your in-laws for the rest of your life. How about doing both? Start with a slow new married couple dance, the parent-child dance, then everyone, maybe one long continuous song or medley with announcements guiding participation of couple dances.
Do this for 5-10 mins, then proceed with a dance party through the decades of music. You give a bit graciously (in case you need goodwill in the future from them). However, the vibe never goes down, only up after the party starts” katlurkin1
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It’s not a club night, it’s a wedding celebration. Maybe keeping the dance floor pumping all night isn’t really the appropriate vibe. Yes, it’s your wedding to plan and execute as you see fit. And people who attend get to sit back and comment on whether or not you made good choices.
And nothing but DOOF-DOOF-UNTZ-UNTZ all night long… It’s not quite “Bridezilla” territory. But it is a choice skewed to one end of the spectrum. As a catering manager who runs bars for tiny and MASSIVE weddings, throw a few slow ones in there. You’re throwing a party for ALL your guests, not just the club kids in attendance.
Congratulations, best of luck.” OaktownPirate
Another User Comments:
“Thanks everybody so much for the input and suggestions! The idea I’m getting is while I wouldn’t necessarily be TA, I also wouldn’t be considerate. I’ll play a couple of slow songs at the beginning of the night, maybe one or two more thrown in as needed. We are planning on having music evenly split between classics (80/70s) and more recent (2000/2010s).
I’m hoping that covers what everybody would want to hear.” PurposeRelative8668
9. AITJ For Denying My Brother Access To My Home Because Of His Smoking?
“Our family had a holiday home abroad that we used together as a family, or individually, a few times a year. I moved to the country where the house is several years ago, and recently I bought 80% of it from my parents to make it my main residence.
I plan to buy the rest in the future when my finances allow. I paid the market price for it.
My brother, a longtime smoker, asked me if he could come for a holiday visit for a week or two. I’m a pretty radical anti-smoker.
I get physically nauseous from the smell, and I hate the very idea mentally. I ended friendships and avoided relationships because of this.
I said that if he was able to respect my rules and not smoke while he was here (not just in the house/yard, but at all), he was welcome to stay.
He said that this demand was unreasonable and that since the house was not 100% mine, he would come there anyway and do whatever he wanted. I brought this up with our parents, and they all said that I was being unreasonable.
As my way of trying to keep the peace for the sake of my elderly parents, I said I was willing to pay 50% of the Airbnb if he wanted to stay in this town.
This offer was also rejected by everyone, with my parents telling me “This is not a way to treat family.”
My brother lives with my parents, who are non-smokers, and while he is there, he smokes in the front yard. I can smell the smoke when I visit their house regardless (on clothes, sofas, curtains), but they tell me it’s all in my head and that I’m the problem and being mean to my brother.
Currently, my parents demand that I let him stay in the house or buy their share right now (which I am unable to do). I said that if he shows up here before we reach a common decision, I will not let him in. I feel it is unfair that this “way to treat a family” attitude only works one way, and that my feelings are not being taken into account.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTA. Besides that you are the majority owner of the property, you also said it is your main residence. That gives you the final say over visits and, especially, the smoking issue. I have a similar reaction to smoke that you do, so I am very sympathetic to your position and know how even a smoker who has just come in from outside can stink up a room (and how smokers have killed their own sense of smell so they have no idea how much they stink).” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“I guess No jerks here. I don’t like smoking either. I don’t allow it in my home. I also couldn’t see telling someone that they couldn’t smoke at all that day and come into my home at a later time. It is a bit extreme of a stance IMO.
You seem to be willing to lose relationships over it, so you aren’t wrong. But it seems you are at this weird impasse with your parents on how this whole ‘partial ownership’ thing will work in practice.” cuervoguy2002
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It’s your house!
Sorry, but if that’s your condition, that’s your condition. It’s harsh, but you live there and own it—your house, your rules! You offered to help him stay somewhere else and he refused… There’s nothing else you can do. Also, his attitude of ‘I’ll come whenever I want’ shows that this would be a bad idea and that he might not be there to see you but to have a cheap holiday.
There’s nothing wrong with that, I guess, but it’s not the family holiday home anymore.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Confronting My Dad About His Rude Behavior In A Restaurant?
“Me and my dad went to a restaurant and we walked around for about 2 minutes looking for a table, and we found one behind a little wall. Every waiter and waitress was in the kitchen. We waited about 7 minutes, and two more people walked in and sat at the front.
He waited and said that if they got served before us, he would go and make a fuss or something. I told him not to because I liked the restaurant (it was his first time there). I told him to wait 5 minutes, and he said that was too long.
When my family and I come (my parents are divorced), it usually takes a while. I don’t know why, but that’s how it is. The waiters saw the other people first because they were in front. My dad said to wait, and I thought it was so he could get the waiters’ attention.
We waited, and he got up and said “THANKS FOR THE HELP,” “I LOVED THE FOOD,” “OH WAIT, YOU NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO ASK WHAT WE WANTED.” I told him to stop, but he kept going on, so we left. He got mad at me for telling him to stop and then asked why I said so.
I told him he was being rude and that it was super embarrassing. He said it wasn’t, and that you have to push everyone who gets in your way. I told him it was passive-aggressive and that he didn’t have to yell in front of the whole restaurant.
He got mad and told me that I was rude for letting them “walk over me.” I told him that they are human beings too, and he said someone who does something like that isn’t a human being and shouldn’t be treated like one.
He then started calling my family and telling them that I was the embarrassing one and exaggerating the situation. I started crying, and my whole family basically started insulting me for it. He told me to Google and ask who was rude, but I couldn’t find an answer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ lol yeah, those overworked servers who get paid $2 an hour to get stiffed and screamed at and harassed by middle-aged men every shift are totally the jerks and walking all over you. I’m sure your father has never worked in the food industry before, I’m glad you have better common decency and hope you don’t have to deal with going out with your father again.” DryContract8916
Another User Comments:
“Wow, your dad sure is a piece of work, looking down on people earning an honest living. He clearly overreacted in the restaurant and behaved really inappropriately. Nobody in the restaurant was “walking all over you.” Maybe the service wasn’t as good as it should be, but sometimes this happens!
He could have just gotten a waiter’s attention, ordered, and (if he must) told them politely that you guys had to wait and had actually arrived before the other two tables to give them feedback. Just yelling at staff is rude AF. Saying people working blue-collar jobs aren’t human is one of the most disrespectful things I’ve heard.
You’re definitely NTJ, he is!” wasabi-furikake
Another User Comments:
“Your dad is rude. This is also why restaurants should invest in a hostess. If you know you are in the back and the wait staff may not have seen you, go over and let them know y’all are back there.
Usually, they will be apologetic and say they will be right with you. Now, if the wait staff is rude, then you might have a case to walk out, but at least make sure they know you are there before causing a scene; it could have been an oversight.” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Best Friend's Kid So I Can Focus On My Future?
“My (25) best friend, Jenny (24) got married shortly after high school. She opted not to go to college after she failed the first admission and the next year decided to marry her almost 10-year-old partner. On the other hand, I am currently in the final year of my Master’s degree.
Soon, they had a baby boy, Eric. I did not support her in having kids at all, not because I believed everyone should go to college, but because neither she nor her husband were financially independent enough to raise a child. They barely lived in a cramped apartment while working hard to make ends meet, still every now and then relying on support from their families.
Also, I didn’t think Jenny was mature enough to be a mother, but that’s my personal opinion.
Despite that and their family’s worries, they still had Eric, and lo and behold, it was “unexpectedly” hard. Jenny’s husband’s family lives too far to actually help, and Jenny’s family doesn’t want to get involved too much.
Jenny’s husband had to go to work abroad to be able to finance her staying home, the baby, and the apartment, plus the daily necessities.
When Eric turned two (recently), Jenny signed him up for pre-kindergarten and decided to take on a job. However, with her modest qualifications and a program that was not flexible for a mother, she only landed a job as a barista.
One day, she had to pick up an evening shift when Eric couldn’t be in pre-kindergarten (the program ends at 5). She asked me if I could stay with him.
As I said, I am in the last year of my Master’s degree, and I’m also working during the day in the field that I’m studying.
Now, I could skip a day of class to look after Eric, but I just don’t want to. There is a reason I have decided not to start a family until now, and that is to focus on my development. And I also fear that if I say yes, it is not going to be a one-time occurrence.
Not to mention, I’m not good with kids and I don’t enjoy them at all.
So I refused and stated the reasons above. She called me a jerk and said I was unsupportive. I told her that it is the consequence of her own actions and that having a baby at this moment in life was a risk she decided to take.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“While you do sound heavily judgmental here, I have to agree that they clearly weren’t ready because anyone with half a brain will know that children are So Much Work, and it’s 24/7/365. If you are surprised by that, you did not do any of your homework before sitting this exam.
And you are right it’s not your responsibility. Plus, you have your own future you are working towards securing. Could you take an evening off to help out? You say yes, but you do not want to. My conclusion is you aren’t a jerk for not taking on someone else’s responsibilities, but you aren’t a super good friend either.
NTJ.” nopenothappening99
6. AITJ For Not Inviting My Daughter On A Boy’s Surfing Birthday Trip?
“I am a father of 7 with 4 sons (9, 8, 5, 2) with my wife and 3 children with my ex-wife (19M, 16F, 15M).
I love to travel and, because I own my own business, I have the flexibility to take lots of trips. I love taking one or a few of my kids along for a trip, as I find it’s great bonding time. I often take them on individual trips for their birthday.
In a couple of weeks, I’m taking my oldest two sons and two of my brothers to Costa Rica on a surf trip. It was originally going to be just a trip with my brothers, but as my boys love surfing and we haven’t gone anywhere to surf this summer, I thought I would take them with me and make it a proper boys’ trip.
We are only gone for five days, and the main activity while there will be surfing. As my eldest is in college (and a D1 athlete), it’s harder to take him on trips, and he agreed that this trip would be his birthday trip (his birthday is in October).
My daughter does not like surfing; hence, I did not invite her. I took her with me on a business trip to NYC back in May, and I am taking her to SoCal/Disneyland for her birthday in September, so it’s not like she isn’t getting any trips.
We’ve also been on two family trips this summer with all the kids, and when I took my 15-, 9-, and 8-year-old sons hiking/camping, she did not want to come with us.
She’s upset I didn’t invite her on this trip, even though she’s been on multiple trips with me this year already and has more coming up.
She told me I always favor her brothers (the boys will tell you the opposite, and my ex has always said I spoil her too much) and take them on more trips (they are not invited on more trips, but they agree to go on more).
My wife thinks I should just invite her on this trip, but I don’t want her derailing our plans of surfing by wanting to do something else and forcing everyone to do what she wants. My sons have also asked for her not to come.
AITJ for not inviting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The trip is for the purpose of being able to surf at a location. If your daughter isn’t into said activity, she will be bored and, as you said, will try to derail the experience for everyone.
Being a bored teen in another country isn’t fun for anyone. Flat out tell her that this is a surfing trip and an activity she doesn’t like to do. Plus, it’s a birthday trip/experience for your son, so it wouldn’t be fair to have to cater to someone else other than the recipient of the intended gift. I’m sure she wouldn’t want anyone else on her birthday trip to go with you all if they didn’t enjoy the activities being done.
It’ll for sure ruin the experience.” PandaRiot_90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have planned a boys’ trip. The daughter does not like to surf. No one wants her to go except your wife. Leave her home and let her pout. When you go on the Disney trip, use that as an opportunity to point out that she’s on a trip, and the others are not.
Have fun and good luck.” QuinGood
5. AITJ For Not Warning My Parents About My Fiancé's Arrest History?
“I (28F) am engaged to Sam (24M). My parents were never too fond of him, but it always seemed petty to me. They didn’t like that he had a kid young. They really don’t like that his daughter’s aunt, Amy (the mom isn’t in the picture at all, and he has full custody), lives in the same house as the two of them.
They don’t like his accent, or his clothes, or his job. You get the point. I used to spend some weekends with my parents, but they’re so rude to Sam that I only brought him along a few times.
I’m not super close to my parents to begin with, so the idea that they didn’t like who I was seeing wasn’t very daunting to me.
They’ve never liked anyone I was seeing, or if they did I don’t know who.
Well, after Sam proposed, my parents got someone to look into his past. I have no idea if they hired someone or just paid for one of those websites that show you people’s records, or what happened. But they found out that when he was younger before his daughter was born, he was arrested for substance possession.
I knew about it. My fiancé was/is a substance addict, but he’s been clean for 7 years. When we started getting serious, he told me about it. He goes to meetings regularly and Amy’s gone to meetings for friends/family of addicts.
When my parents found out, they called me and went ballistic.
They wanted to know why I never told them, what I was thinking about marrying someone like this, and how I could let him into their home without first telling them to lock up all their medications and valuables. I snapped and told them they had no right to go snooping into something that was none of their business.
My mom insisted they’re only looking out for me since I’m ‘too stupid to recognize warning signs when I see them’.
I hung up and we haven’t talked in a week. I’m still mad, but now that I’m calming down, I have to wonder if I’m actually justified in being so mad at them when they were just trying to look out for me.
I think they massively overstepped, but a friend I mentioned the situation to thinks they were justified, because he would do the same thing for his daughter and thinks I need to apologize for erupting on them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re an adult and it isn’t their place at all.
Besides, things that happen in his past aren’t yours to discuss unless he’s okay with it. If he was okay with you warning them, then yeah you could’ve. But you definitely aren’t required to, and given how much they already disliked him, it might’ve been throwing gasoline on the fire.
Your parents sound nosy and judgmental.” Outrageous_Waltz1057
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Opinions are fine, snooping isn’t, and being that worked up over a RECOVERED and SEVEN YEARS CLEAN addict isn’t. That’s none of their business, to begin with, and that attitude harms recovering addicts.
The looking-out-for-you thing can be understandable up until they start insulting you. Sure, you might warn a gal about it if you’re going to snoop anyways, but insulting you and freaking out over his past is inappropriate. Also, you said he was in for substance possession, right?
No other charges? If he wasn’t in on a theft charge, then hiding/locking stuff up because of a possession charge seems silly. Not all addicts are thieves, and I know plenty of sober folks who’d rob you blind in a heartbeat, just ’cause they can.
Locks only stop honest men, anyway.” ProfessionalIcy743
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They never approved of anything you did anyway, no wonder they went ballistic. That being said: I hope you have proper boundaries with your husband and a plan in case he relapses. One support network you might have (going to your parents) is off the table.
However, of course, I hope that these things will just be theoretical and you’ll be happy with him for the rest of your life. From how you describe it, he is on a good path and pretty stable.” Complex_Machine6189
4. AITJ For Refusing To Return A Gifted Family Heirloom Watch?
“I was in foster care for nine years, and for six of them, I lived with the same family. The dad had this cool watch that he wound up with a key, which I remember thinking was like something from those kid mystery books that used to be so popular.
I used to search the house for anything with a lock small enough for that key to fit because I thought it must double as the key to a secret treasure. Kids are stupid.
Anyway, he was a weird guy, but when he found out I liked his watch so much, he taught me how to wind it and would let me wind it for him most days.
When I turned eighteen, he gave me the watch as a present, and I was really touched. We got into a huge fight not long after that, and I haven’t spoken to him in over two years, but I still have the watch, wind it every day, and keep it in good condition.
Even though I don’t talk to that family anymore, I still have a lot of memories of them, and the watch makes me feel connected to them.
So, a few days ago, the mom from that family emailed me. She said they needed the watch back because it was a family heirloom and very expensive.
I was kind of thrown because it was a gift. You don’t take gifts back. That’s not how gifts work.
I would give it back if I’d just had it sitting on my dresser for two years, but I carry the watch around most days.
She said it was his dad’s watch, which does make me feel bad, but he knew it was his dad’s watch when he gave it to me, and he still gave it away. Also, this is the really petty part where a lot of you will think I am the jerk, but I think if he wants his watch back he should tell me himself, not have his wife retrieve it for him.
I don’t know, I suspect I’m being a selfish fool, and maybe I have no right to this watch, but I feel really attached to it, and I think it’s tacky to ask for gifts back. I just don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the person that gave you that gift should be the one asking for it back.
If the dad is too ashamed to ask for it and is sending his wife then he knows it’s wrong and you shouldn’t even feel bad. Maybe reach out to the dad, if he felt he needed that watch so bad then that should be a conversation between the two of you.
Considering the watch was given to you as a sentimental, giving it back should be just as sentimental.” ChaiTee020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He gave it to you. It became yours. Had there been a discussion right after it was given to you, about how it was a family heirloom then it would be a little different.
But several years later, they don’t get to ask for it back. Since you have had nothing to do with them for this time, I would ignore their emails. And I agree, if he wanted it back he should have been the one to do the asking — so he could explain to you, man to man, why he would think it would be okay to ask for a gift back.” MissSuzieSunshine
3. AITJ For Refusing To Ask My Mum To Do A Favor For My Ex?
“My ex has the kids every 2nd weekend and gets very aggressive about “his time”. A few weeks ago, I sent a message advising they had 2 birthday party invitations for his weekend and sent the details. I got a message back about “disrespecting” him and how his time is his time.
I just replied that all I’m doing is letting him know and he can say yes or no.
Today he asks if next weekend I can have the kids overnight Friday and Saturday and he will just have them during the day because he is moving house.
I said I could not as I was away for the weekend and would not be there. He said my mum could have them (she lives with me) and they would just be sleeping. My response was that it was up to her, and he would need to ask.
The ex told me to ask because it was my mum. I said no; if he wants the favor, he can ask—she is right in the next room. The older 2 would be no problem, but the youngest is a handful. He argued and then said he would just get a hotel and called me a few names.
Literally, all he had to do was ask her.
I later received a long, rambling text stating that I was senseless for making him ask when I could do it and that he is a strong man and no one will make him miserable or walk away from his children.
Like, did no one try? I just replied that it’s not my job to organize favors for him and he needs to put on his big boy pants and ask himself. His reply was that Mum has nothing else to do and he does favors for her sometimes, and he would rather die than ask her.
He also can’t remember anything I have ever done for him. I guess all the times I take the kids on his access days so he can work, party, or just sleep in while they do sports don’t count!
So my question is AITJ for not asking for a favor on his behalf.
I could have, and I know the answer would be yes. I just didn’t want to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your boundaries are clear and appropriate. When it is his time with the kids, it is his responsibility to organize what they do. Letting him know when other parents have invited them to events is what you’re supposed to do.
If those other parents knew he was the custodial parent that day, they would have asked him directly. The only thing I am wondering about is why he has so little custody. If this wasn’t his choice, I would suggest reconsidering. If he only wanted this amount of custody, I suppose you had no choice.” Rikutopas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s hard to co-parent with someone who puts their needs above the kids and also walks all over you all the time. He expected you to just say yes and take them ‘only at night’ on his time and was likely very upset when you had other plans.
It’s appropriate to have boundaries. If he’d like a favor from a third party, he can ask like an adult person. The kids were not harmed in any of these interactions. He needs to actually parent when he has the kids. That includes arranging childcare when he needs it.” Housing99
2. AITJ For Skipping My Stepbrother's Wedding Because I Feel Overlooked In His Life?
“I (18M) have an older stepbrother, Eric, who is 27. Eric and I have been stepbrothers for 13 years. My mom married his dad. Eric and I have never really been that close. I think it’s due to the 9-year age gap, the fact that we are stepbrothers and not brothers, meeting when Eric was already a teenager, and Eric blaming his dad for his parents’ divorce.
So there was a lot against us being close, and Eric has made it clear we are step-siblings only. That said, since meeting him, I have always looked up to Eric. When I was younger, I thought he was so cool, and wanted to spend time with him and be like him.
I have always wanted to be closer; it’s just a one-way street.
Eric is getting married later this year, and his soon-to-be wife has a younger brother, Jake, who is the same age as me. Eric and his fiancée had an engagement party this weekend, which was the first time I actually met Jake (who seems very nice, for what it’s worth).
Now, Jake is one of Eric’s groomsmen, while I’m not. I figured Eric’s fiancée was closer to Jake than Eric and I, so it hurt, but I rationalized it, I guess. However, Jake added me on Instagram after the meeting, and I’ve now been able to see just how close he and Eric are.
Eric and his fiancée surprised Jake for his birthday with a trip; Eric went to Jake’s graduation (it was too expensive to come to my graduation, but I guess Jake was worth the ticket). Eric has even been to some of Jake’s soccer games.
The captions further confirm how close Jake and Eric are.
I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m angry. I just do not understand how Eric can be this close to someone he met 3 years ago, while I basically did nothing except worship the relationship Jake and Eric have.
I’m done being hurt by Eric. I leave for college in a few weeks, and Eric’s wedding is in the fall. I’m planning on making up an excuse for why I can’t possibly leave college for that weekend to attend the wedding; I have no interest in going, and Eric clearly doesn’t care if I’m there or not.
Would I be the jerk if I lied about being busy and skipped my stepbrother’s wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – that’s a really sad story, man. You sound confused, but you do explain it all quite well, obviously understanding and emotions aren’t the same, but understanding is a good start.
I think you’re mourning a relationship that never was. Based on what we’ve said, Eric doesn’t have any animosity towards you but just didn’t want to be close to you. Which sucks for you, but I can certainly understand why he would feel that way.
He probably should have found a better way to talk to you about that, but he was a moody teen and that story so it’s not surprising he ballsed that up. I think you just need to find more healthy relationships generally. Hopefully University is a good opportunity for that.” Anguscablejnr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think you should hate your stepbrother. He was going through a lot when you met him. He probably blamed your mom for the divorce and didn’t want to have anything to do with you. I’m sure it wasn’t personal. Adding to that, his dad probably forced him to be part of a family that he wasn’t ready for.
(It’s hard not to take it personally, and I’m not trying to disregard your feelings.) Your stepbrother met the other kid in a different situation, so I’m sure it’s easier to have a relationship with him. At this point in your life, you are both adults.
This is when you both can try to have a relationship if you both want that. It’s hard to predict if you’ll ever have the relationship you want. If he can get over how you came into his life, then I think you can work on it.
Going to the wedding might help. That said, you don’t have to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. If going to the wedding is going to be a reminder of his relationship with the other guy, don’t go. Just give a good reason so it doesn’t look bad on you.” MsCndyKane
Another User Comments:
“You are giving Eric way too much importance in your life; you can’t be like a little puppy following him around. He is not interested in having a relationship with you, but he is still part of your extended family. Man up, go to the wedding, wish Eric well, but just be cool, civil, detached, like interactions with people you see and acknowledge but aren’t really interested in knowing.” Rupert217
1. AITJ For Prioritizing My 18th Birthday Over My Sister's Wedding?
“So, my sister (F) 30, and I (M) 17 aren’t really that well known as she is from another relationship of my father’s.
I don’t really know the story behind it. A few years ago, she got engaged, but due to the health crisis the wedding was delayed and it was rescheduled to December 2nd this year. I was invited over a year ago and obviously accepted. I don’t think I was told a date; I don’t really remember all that well.
Fast forward to a few months ago, and during that time I went through my GCSEs and most of my first year of college. I then received a reminder that my sister’s wedding is now on the 2nd of December, which posed an issue for me.
My birthday is on November 30th, and I had actual plans to go out on the 2nd of December. I told my dad about the issue, and he said I have to go to my sister’s wedding because I already agreed, but my preference is to go and celebrate my 18th.
I told my dad this, along with the fact that I had agreed to my sister’s wedding over a year ago. If I had been informed of the date sooner or reminded about it, then I would have made sure I wasn’t doing anything else, but by the time I was told about the date, I already had plans for that day.
I had already made my decision and told my dad that.
Then, about an hour ago, my sister messaged me, confirming if I was not coming to her wedding and whether I would prefer to go out instead. I told her yes and apologized for being a pain to her.
But she then guilt-tripped me by saying I’d rather go clubbing—which I can do anytime—rather than attend her wedding, which she only has once. I have not yet replied to her because I’m not sure how to respond. If I could have some help with this, that would be great.”
Another User Comments:
“Just to clarify, we’re talking about this year? We’re in August, your birthday and the wedding are this December, i.e., three full months away? YTJ thought it was your right to decline, but if you decline for such a weak reason you’re going to forever damage your relationship with your sister and dad, if you care about that.
You have time to make other birthday plans, or even celebrate your birthday on your actual birthday night. I assume you are excited to go clubbing legally for the first time? I get that, but you will have a thousand opportunities to do that—your sister getting married is a one-time event.” one_night_on_mars
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for the following reasons 1) You knew this wedding was happening and received an invite well in advance. You are an adult; you should have put this in a calendar; AND 2) She is not getting married on your birthday. You have the ability to have a party on another day, but you are choosing to have it on a date for which you made a prior obligation over a year ago.” Traditional-Goal-223
