People Are Hungry For Answers In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
22. AITJ For Canceling My Brother's Baby Shower After His Insensitive Comments?
“I am the oldest sibling out of four and my brothers have always been tough on me because I’m a girl. By the way, I’m the only girl my parents had and all of my brothers are 1 year younger than me, they were triplets.
I’ve always been the one to be a second mom to my brothers because whenever our parents couldn’t get it I would. One of my brothers had found a wife and they had a baby girl. I am very close to my brother and his wife and even his wife was excited to have me as the baby’s aunt.
I love this baby with all of my heart being that this is my first niece and I plan on spoiling her because I’m financially stable and even though I’m not wealthy I still have a good amount of spending money. I also had a miscarriage about 2 years ago that was hard on me so having a baby that I would be close with was extremely emotional and exciting for me.
On the other hand, my brother is not, he’s very traditional and wants to be the breadwinner/ provider of his family.
He and his wife want to have a baby shower but it would mean they would lose a great sum of money they can’t afford.
I’ve offered to pay for the whole thing because I love them and the baby, plus it would be a beautiful moment for both sides of their family. My husband and I coordinated with them and paid for anything they wanted for the baby shower.
A few weeks before the baby shower my brother, his wife, my husband, and my other brothers were at our parent’s house for a football game. The topic of babies and the baby shower they planned came up and my brother made a joke saying “ I’m glad my wife is in working condition so we could be the first ones to have a baby, it feels good to be the first sibling for something.”
That hurt because I was so excited to be having a baby but when my husband and I got the news it devastated us and it took us a while to become better. I went home crying and I blocked my brother on everything. I couldn’t believe how inconsiderate and insensitive he was especially after I gave him everything.
I texted him one time saying “We won’t be paying for your baby shower anymore, what you did was horrible and I don’t want to speak to you again.” He told our family and now they’re all trying to contact me but I don’t want to hear it.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ….and your brothers weren’t tough on you because you’re a girl. They were tough on you because they were bullies and it sounds as though this brother still is. I also have three brothers and they would never, ever have said something so cruel and mean-spirited. Your brother can’t have it both ways.
He can’t be a jerk to you and then expect you to still pay for a baby shower. Your family is probably trying to contact you so they don’t get stuck with the bill.” KathAlMyPal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I too am a big sister but only to two brothers, not that it makes a difference.
Nonetheless, my brother would be down a sister if he EVER fixed his mouth to utter such disrespect. That comment sat on his mind & he couldn’t wait to say it & said it so gleefully as if he one-up’d you, or the other brothers.
Yeah nah that’s messed up & I am sorry for your loss.” TankBubbly889
Another User Comments:
“The way my jaw dropped as I read what he said NTJ at all for canceling payment. It’s not like he can’t still have a less expensive baby shower.
Cutting him off is totally up to you, but be prepared for the consequences of that. I can’t imagine you’ll get ample chances to get to know your niece/nephew and spoil them if you don’t want contact with their father.” PessaLee
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Messy Sister Temporarily Stay In My Apartment?
“My (M37) sister (F32) is living in one apartment that belongs to my parents.
In the apartment, she has 3 dogs (1 small Chihuahua and 2 big staff). She is a single mom and my niece lives with my parents.
The apartment is pretty old and, although it is possible to live there, really needs a refurbishment, especially some work in the electrical and water systems.
My dad didn’t want to put money in the apartment, because he thought my sister was not a very tidy and careful person, and everything would be dirty and broken in no time. My mom wants to fix it with her own money so my sister has better living conditions and my niece can stay with her sometimes.
I supported my sister and mom in this decision.
Today my mom asked me if I could let my sister stay in my apartment for 4 weeks, supposedly the time that the refurbishing will take. I told her no, and she got very angry at first. So I proceeded to explain to her my arguments, which of course she knows pretty well in advance because she is our mother…
I told her that, even if I love my sister very much, I wouldn’t be able to host her (or lend her) my apartment. The thing is I am an extremely organized and clean person, and on top of that, I recently repainted the whole house and bought new furniture.
My dad’s concerns about my sister are well founded, she is a mess, and the thought of having her and 3 dogs around me or in my space 24/7, gets me very stressed and anxious.
My mom tried to convince me saying it would be only 4 weeks (yeah sure) and that my sister would be very respectful.
Then when I said no a second time she proceeded with the usual emotional manipulation tactics.
But the funniest thing is this. My mom has 2 other apartments that are empty right now. One, that she inherited from my grandparents, and another one, that she bought for herself alone.
So when I reminded this to her she said that she didn’t want to allow my sister into those, because one is new, and the other is recently painted.
Finally, I asked my mom, why she gets angry because I don’t want a mess in the house where I live if she wouldn’t allow the same mess in the 2 houses she has currently empty.
She got even angrier, but it looks like after some hours of thought she is calmer. So either she understood or she was thinking of another tactic to try to convince me to accept my sister in my house.
Am I The Jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It looks like your parents are tired of dealing with her and her dogs. Your sister is an adult and she’s the one who should be asking you if she can move in. I don’t get how your mother is doing that. And your sister should participate either in the costs of renovations or help your parents out in some other way as she is also living there.” Lazy_Koala_698
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Let them stay with Mom. The biggest risk here is that they are trying to get her out – so the repairs will go on and on, and you would be stuck with your sister forever. They will try not to let her move back into one of their properties.
Their behavior only makes sense that way.” Aggressive-Mind-2085
20. AITJ For Wanting To Split Bills Equally In My Own Home?
“I (30m) will be living with my partner (28m) and brother (25m). My brother and I make about the same amount of money a month, and my partner makes almost twice what I do (roughly 80k). I bought this house 10 years ago and moved my brother in about five years ago even though I pay roughly 2k a month, he was in college and only made $12 an hour so I’ve offered rent to him at $500 a month utilities included for the last five years.
He now makes $25 an hour.
Monthly expenses:
Mortgage: 1,500
Power: average is $250
WiFi: 150
Gas: 50
Water: 30
Grass: I cut it every two weeks to save money
Total: $1980
Currently, my brother only contributes $500 a month, so my portion is $1480. Even if I offered my partner $500 a month as well, I’d still be paying $980 compared to them.
I think this isn’t fair to me, but they both seem to think because I own the home that it makes perfect sense.
Here’s what I can’t understand:
Say I rented this house out, and we all three moved in together paying someone else’s mortgage, more than likely paying far more a month than we would be in my home, while I collect rent from this home at a premium (giving me extra income compared to them):
**How is paying more, for all of our money going towards nothing at all, somehow better than their money going to help me pay my mortgage down?**
It’s not like I own the home outright. I’m not asking to get a premium on rent from them, I just want a fair even split.
I can’t for the life of me see this as extremely selfish on their end.
“I don’t want to pay into *your* equity”
“It’s not fair that *you* own a home and we don’t”
“Why should we pay equal to more than *you* when we’re helping *you* pay *your* mortgage down”
If I were in their shoes and needed to rent, I would prefer helping a trusted friend/family member/ s/o pay their bills. The idea of moving somewhere else to pay someone else’s mortgage so they can feel like all of our money is being burned is so stupid to me.
I just don’t get it. I’m also super lenient about things like rent being late, my brother likes having the AC super low which makes the power bill so high in the summer, but I don’t say anything about it. I clean up after him and my partner all the time.
We have animals and I cover all their costs and clean up after them. Like, give me a break.
**INFO**: If we split bills evenly it would be about $650-$700 a person with utilities, which in this area is far, FAR cheaper than renting somewhere else.
**Edit**: To clarify further about some things people regularly ask.
1. My partner and I will be sharing the master bedroom and bathroom since we’re in a relationship/that’s what we both want.
2. She and my brother both work from home and will be sharing the third bedroom as an office, which doesn’t benefit me.
3. I’ve renovated my garage into a very nice gym with all kinds of workout equipment, flooring, mirrors, etc. that everyone uses.
4. Yes I pay for all home maintenance and never expect them to pay for any fixes. This also includes trash service, grass cutting, annual pest inspections, and termite protection.
5. All big purchases for things used in Gen Pop are made by me, 75-inch tv for the living room, shelving, furniture, games, surround sound, new appliances, etc. I don’t ask that any of this is split.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was generous of you to limit your Brother’s rent while he was in College.
Now he’s a grown man with a good salary and is taking advantage of you. Why don’t you suggest he moves out and pay another landlord the market rate for a rental, hopefully then he’ll see what a great deal he’s getting even at your new rate.” OnlymyOP
Another User Comments:
“It’s funny how it’s “unfair” for them to subsidize your mortgage but it’s fair for you to subsidize their rent. There’s always one answer in these situations: if they don’t like the rent you want to charge, they can live somewhere else and pay twice as much and you can rent the space at market rates.
Give them that option and see what they choose. NTJ. ETA: Question: Are you solely responsible for household expenses or would they help buy a new fridge or pay for a new roof if it became necessary?” SpaceJesusIsHere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ when my partner moved into the house I owned, he had no qualms about paying up (and we decided to keep a shared fund based on % income, so he even paid more).
In our case, it is an investment in our future as a couple. For the brother, try explaining your grace regarding his schooling and now it’s time to adult.” Top-Yam1151
19. AITJ For Confronting My Husband About His Brother's Disrespectful Behavior?
“My brother-in-law is a jerk and the more he drinks the worse he gets. He and his significant other come to our house once a month to BBQ, play cards, and drink. I do not drink. He constantly rags on me. He rags on everyone, but there is a distinct difference in how he does it to me.
A specific example from last night is him saying that he hates me, his significant other hates me and I would die if I heard the stuff they talk about me on the way home. Most of his derogatory comments are made in a joking manner and everyone just laughs and blows him off.
This comment was not joking. He was dead serious. I looked at his significant other and said, “We don’t hate each other” and this chick just stared at the floor. Like…what the heck? I have never been anything but nice to this girl and have managed to maintain a relationship with my BIL even though everyone else in his life has nothing to do with him because of his behavior, or they just distance themselves as much as possible and try to tolerate him when he’s around.
My husband and son were not in the area when he made the hating me comment, which was probably on purpose. He loves to push and poke at me to see how much I can take before I get mad. As the night wore on, I started lightly hitting him back when he would come at me because I was incredibly annoyed at that point.
After one exchange, my husband said, “That’s the reason all my friend’s favorite part of the night was when she would go home.” That was it for me. I didn’t say anything. I just went inside and didn’t come back out.
I could not believe that my husband’s answer to listening to his brother rag on me all night was to join in, even if he did miss the worst of it.
I confronted my husband about his and his brother’s behavior this morning, telling him that the bar is literally on the floor here.
All I am asking is to be treated with a base level of respect and common decency, and to have my husband intervene on my behalf when his brother gets out of hand because he would stop if my husband told him to. As I have come to expect, his initial response was to say that I’m too sensitive, his brother is just playing, and that I should just laugh it off because he’s been like this his whole life.
He ended up apologizing after a bunch of back and forth.
So, what say you? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ If you can’t convince your husband to stop them coming over to your house, then make sure you and your son are out every time they’re there.
Take yourself out of the toxic environment and make sure your son doesn’t learn that that’s how you treat people” moredriedfrogpills
Another User Comments:
“Why are you with someone like this NTJ? I mean come on, you can’t tell me that this is a new development in your marriage.
If the B.I.L. has always been this way, to a degree so has your hubby. The fact you married your hubby means he was good at keeping this on the low because it sounds like you are not the first woman to be treated like this.
If you stay and put up with this dynamic trainwreck YTJ. For your mental and emotional health either seek therapy or a divorce.” Illustrious_Pride_44
18. AITJ For Being Upset My Mom Deposited My Refund Check Without Asking?
“I (25NB) recently moved back into my mom’s place because the rent is too expensive. Long story short, my mom has a habit of crossing boundaries and ignoring them.
My security deposit refund arrived in the mail and I never even saw it, she opened it and deposited it into her account. I did owe her some funds as she helped out with a lot of my moving expenses, but she is using that to justify opening my mail and depositing my check.
I was planning to send her what I owed her myself, but instead, she just sent me the difference. She now is claiming I’ve accused her of stealing from me. That’s not my issue at all, I don’t believe she’s stolen anything from me.
I just don’t want her to cross my boundaries. I’ve had many conversations with her about things like this over the years as it was an issue before I moved out the first time as well, and some things have improved, but when it comes to funds she has made up her mind that I’m not fit to manage it for some reason.
Additional context:
At the beginning of the month, I transferred most of my paycheck to a private savings account where I keep funds that I want to make sure I don’t spend (she does not have access to this account). This was the funds I was planning to use to pay her back.
She claims that I spent all my funds by the 10th after looking at my checking account balance (which she does have access to), I explained to her on numerous occasions that it was not spent but rather in my savings. I was waiting for her to tell me exactly what I owed and when she wanted it, which is why I hadn’t paid her yet.
Every time I asked she said we’d talk about it later.
I can’t afford to move anywhere else that’s near where I currently live (and work). The apartment I was living in was income-restricted housing and that rent was about to jump to over $1,500/month.
My initial plan was to live with my fiancée but she recently has developed some health conditions that prevent her from being able to work for the time being, and we’d need a second income to live together. My new plan is to save while I’m at my mom’s and then buy a house, I’m done with renting.
I tried to include any info people might have questions about but I’m sure I’ve probably missed something so ask away.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What your mother did is a crime called endorsement forgery. You could contact the bank where the item was deposited and advise them about this.
The bank that accepted the deposit is responsible and they could debit the account to which the check was deposited and give you the funds. In the meantime, you need to restrict her access to your accounts – IMMEDIATELY. Change your passwords, mailing address, etc. If possible, opt for electronic statements.
Notify your bank that they are not to disclose any of your financial information to her. Set up a 2-factor authentication so a code will be sent to your cell phone with a code that must be used to complete the sign-on. Sadly I think you can expect fireworks from her so brace yourself.” PuzzleheadedAd9782
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and you’re completely missing the plot, OP. You need to get your mom off of your account and you off of your mom’s account. That’s the ONLY way she could have deposited the check in her account. Your name is on that account.
If it wasn’t the bank would not honor the deposit. No excuses whatsoever. For goodness sake, you’re 25. Why is she still even on it? You’re an adult and you need to cut the cord.” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Opening mail addressed to you and depositing a check that was payable to you are both illegal. You could contact her bank to inform them that your check was stolen, fraudulently endorsed, and illegally negotiated. They are obligated to investigate.
Generally, if you owe people funds, you need to pay them back but your mom is so far out of line that she can’t even see it anymore.” friendlily
17. AITJ For Refusing To Do My Best Friend's Halloween Makeup Until He Apologizes?
“Am I the jerk for refusing to do my best friend’s Halloween makeup?
I, 14F, have a guy best friend, 15M, we’ll call him John. So, me and John have been friends since we were 10. He’s the only one who stayed with me through the hard times and stuff. Lately, he’s been acting strange. He’s being mean to me, calls me names, cancels our plans last minute, and overall acts weird.
I didn’t mind it until now, because we used to be mean to each other in a friendly way. This year we had a Halloween party at our school, so we decided to dress up as Lego Batman and Lego Joker. John was supposed to be Batman because he’s taller and owns only dark clothes.
The only thing he had to do was to wear a black shirt. Nothing more. Just a black shirt that he wears almost every day. I was supposed to draw the Batman mask on his face at school. Because I was going as Joker I dyed my hair green, woke up two hours early, and almost ruined my makeup palette on my way to school.
I’m sitting on my chair waiting for John. He walks in like 10 minutes later and what do I see? He’s wearing a white hoodie. I was hoping that he’d be wearing the black shirt under it.
No. He wore a green Rick and Morty shirt.
I asked him why didn’t he wear the black shirt since he texted me he’s gonna wear it the day before. He didn’t answer and just looked down. It hurt me and I felt betrayed. Now I look like an idiot. We were supposed to look like idiots together, but now I’m all alone in this.
I didn’t talk to him for like 2 hours, when he asked me “What did I do to you, why are you ignoring me?” so I told him that I was upset because he was supposed to do one thing and he couldn’t even do that, that he owns 10 black shirts why didn’t he wear one, what was the problem.
He didn’t answer again, so I asked him if he’s gonna apologize, and he said “Yes”. Now I’m waiting for him to say sorry but nothing. Like an hour later he starts talking to me and I’m like “I won’t talk to you until you apologize”.
I was supposed to do his makeup for a Halloween event in our town, but as I said, I’m not talking to him until he apologizes. It’s been four days and his mom told me that he did nothing wrong that I’m just a spoiled brat for not talking to him and that I should get over it because it’s stupid.
So, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not about forgetting (or “forgetting,” idk) the costume, it’s about how he handled it. Unintentional or not, he knows he messed up and disappointed a friend and all you asked for was a simple apology, which he apparently refuses to give.
He’s not being respectful of your feelings or the effort you put into something that he agreed to be part of. You’re not a jerk for not wanting to put in more effort for someone who shows no appreciation for it. Not sure why his mom is yelling at you (super inappropriate btw) telling you to get over it because it’s stupid when her son is the one who can’t just******* up and say “I’m sorry.” If it’s really not a big deal, what’s his excuse?
But anyway, given the other recent behavior you mentioned and that he’s now dragged a minor issue out for four days, I think he owes you an explanation for why he’s been acting that way in addition to the apology if he wants to go back to normal. Up to you.
Just a suggestion. Regardless, you don’t ever owe your time or friendship to anyone if you don’t like the way they’re treating you.” CumulativeHazard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s 15 and still having his mom intervene for him. No. He isn’t your friend. You’re just in the habit of thinking he’s a friend.” Emotional_Bonus_934
16. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner's Parents Changed My Birthday Venue Last Minute?
“Two weeks before my birthday, my partner (24M) and I (22F) had meticulously planned every detail of the celebration.
We decided on a restaurant near his place since I lived quite far away, and this restaurant was exclusive to his city. We thought it would be a small, intimate gathering, and we even extended invitations to his parents.
I set a budget for the celebration, and I also decided to include my brother’s partner, making it a lovely gathering.
Everything seemed to be going according to plan.
On the day of the celebration, I was on my way to the rendezvous point when he called me. His parents had decided to change the venue for the birthday celebration and, to my shock, offered to cover the expenses.
This sudden change left me in a state of distress. I repeatedly begged to stick with our original plan, as I felt strongly about it.
My partner’s parents reassured me, saying, “Don’t worry about it; we’ve got this covered.” That was not the problem. When my family knew we were going to this restaurant, they were immediately disagreeing as we had horrible experiences with the restaurant chain in the past. Additionally, the restaurant they had chosen had multiple branches and selecting one halfway between our locations could have saved us a considerable trip.
I was about to throw a tantrum because I was looking forward to going to what we planned for. My partner noticed how upset this made me and repeatedly apologized for it. He could not convince his parents to stick with the original plan. He was also informed about the change 5 minutes before reaching the rendezvous point.
He promised to make up for it. I took 2 minutes outside the restaurant to compose myself to not show my dismay about it.
Adding to the dilemma was the weight of cultural customs. In our culture, it was expected that the one who was celebrating would foot the bill.
Faced with this predicament and wanting to keep the peace, we went along with the new plan. There was a moment when my family and my partner’s family were trying to pay for the bill. They were still insisting on paying for the whole bill; since it was the first time our families formally met, I paid.
I did not want them to shoulder the bill as it was customary.
As the day unfolded, I found myself going over budget by twice the amount I had initially set. Despite the financial strain, I settled the bill, making sure I had a memorable birthday celebration, even if it was not exactly as we had initially planned.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you’ve got some thinking to do and a few conversations with your partner. You were notified as you were on your way to your original party. That is beyond inappropriate. Why did your partner let them railroad over you like this?
This is a clear indication that what you want doesn’t matter, but what his family wants does.” LowBalance4404
Another User Comments:
“I don’t even understand this. Your partner’s parents call him and say there is a change of plan and – everybody just agrees?
Why do they get to dictate this? Especially as mere invitees? What is your partner even apologizing for if he is just going to cave to his parents for something that has nothing to do with them? Why did he go along with it? And why did you?
And why did your family and all the other guests? And why does it not matter that this is not the celebration YOU had in mind for YOUR birthday?” TA_totellornottotell
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Grow a backbone. No is a complete sentence. You didn’t have to go to the new restaurant.
You and your family and friends could have continued with YOUR plans. Your mama’s boy partner and his parents could have gone to the other restaurant. Don’t be a doormat. And rethink your relationship. Your partner is always going to bow down to his parents.
You want a future like that?” Shejuan01
15. AITJ For Telling An Old Friend Not To Contact Me After He Ghosted Me Again?
“I (F21) was friends with A (M21) for around 3 years. We kept in touch even after high school. Around November of last year, he confessed to me that he had feelings for me and I did too.
We ended up expressing our feelings for each other once and never again did he touch me. We’d hang out but nothing would ever happen, he said he was interested in a relationship then he’d ghost me for days. Eventually, days grew into months and the last we talked was in March.
I was a bit hurt but I had been in therapy for a while so I was able to work through it.
Fast forward to last week, after months he texted me apologizing saying he was getting his life in order and if we could start over.
I’m in a happy relationship now, but we had been friends for so long and I cared about him. Despite how hurt I was, I did care for the guy so when he asked if we could meet for breakfast I said sure and that I’d be happy to start our friendship over.
He ended up asking if we could meet at 1 pm rather than breakfast, I was still free so it was fine.
That was supposed to be today. I texted him a few hours before to confirm the plans were still on and poof, nothing. Then came the time for us to meet, nothing.
I ended up sending this text that I’m not very proud of.
Me: I didn’t leave home because you never confirmed this morning, and I can’t later because I have plans. You reached out to me to apologize for “going MIA for a bit” (over 6 months).
That’s fine, all good, done. You asked to meet, I said yes, and we have to meet on your terms. Fine. We had originally said breakfast, but you changed it to 1 pm. Even still you’re late, and I have to accommodate you? Maybe you do mean it when you said you wanted to start over, but it doesn’t seem like it at all.
If you were truly sorry, you’d go through with the plans you proposed out of basic respect for someone else’s time. Since it seems like you don’t, I think it’s best if we don’t “start over.” Please don’t contact me again.
A: I’m sorry I just woken up not too long ago because I got to my hotel at 4 in the morning
I wasn’t hurt, I was more so just angry and done. After he responded to that, all I said was “That would’ve been fine had you not made plans. It doesn’t make you a bad person, just inconsiderate.” He has since blocked me on Instagram.
Now I’m feeling a bit guilty. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“He is sulking. But his behavior is just more of the same. Take the block as a welcome move. Do not try to contact him. He will not improve his behavior. You feel bad because you were honest, and he didn’t like it, and so he blocked you as a ‘power’ move.
That was him trying to hurt you and make you feel bad. It’s never nice to be blocked, especially when you are the injured party, which you are. Friendships end, and I think you’ll be glad this one did. NTJ” Ma-Hu
14. AITJ For Asking My Partner To Replace The Cheesecake He Ate Without Asking?
“So I (20f) have been seeing Jacob (26m) for about 2 years, we met through my older brother at a New Year’s eve party.
We’ve lived together for the last six months, and everything has been great except for his habit of eating my snacks, particularly the sweets I buy.
I mainly didn’t mind it because I don’t have a huge sweet tooth like he does and I don’t buy them all the time, so him snagging a few cookies wasn’t a big deal.
It occasionally did annoy me because he would sometimes beat me to eating it, but he apologized for it.
However, my favorite dessert is cheesecake and I get a particular one from an expensive bakery that I don’t get very often due to how pricey it was.
So when I got to buy it Saturday, I was excited and popped it in the fridge for me to eat after work and dinner.
I figured Jacob wouldn’t eat it because he knows how much I like it or if he wanted a slice, he’d wait for me to get home and ask me about it.
Boy, was I wrong? When I got home from a job and ate my ready-made meal, I looked into the fridge for the cheesecake only to find more than half of it gone.
It was astonishing how much he ate and I was upset because I had been waiting all day to eat it.
Jacob was in our bedroom playing video games and I walked into the cheesecake box, asking why he ate more than half of the darn thing without telling me.
It honestly looked like he ate it with his hands which disgusted me.
Jacob stuttered that he didn’t think I would mind since I don’t eat sweets a lot anyway and I usually share with him anyway.
I pointed out that cheesecake is one of my favorites and I technically don’t “share”, he just takes my snacks without asking. This devolved into an argumentive back and forth which I eventually asked that he pay for a replacement.
Jacob refused, saying it was too expensive and I was taking things too far.
I persisted, telling him it’s not that much of a big deal to replace and I would give him money to do it.
Jacob eventually left for his mom’s place because I was “unreasonable” and “demanding” and that he’d talk to me in the morning.
Well, it’s the next day and it’s been radio silence from Jacob.
I asked my friends and some agreed that he should pay for a replacement but others said that it was just cake and I shouldn’t demand for him to pay for something I didn’t need.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the cost of a cheesecake is all you lost in learning what sort of person he is, consider it cheap tuition and move on. For goodness sake, you even *offered to give him money to go get the replacement cheesecake*.
Stop and think about that for a minute or two.” iaincaradoc
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t want to use extreme words but he sounds unstable. Or at least immature. Refusing to pay for something he ate?? Refusing to go pick up the food with Your money??
What?? Coupled with how he’s seeing someone 6 years younger than him? I’m 24 and I can’t imagine seeing an 18-year-old, they’re literal children. 26 and 20 are still gross. I’m not insulting you in the slightest, people your age don’t realize how gross that is. I fell victim to the same thing when I was 19.” whatcakepopsdouhave
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s not about the cheesecake, it’s about a lack of respect and basic empathy. If he doesn’t have the maturity to respect your property or the ability to recognize he hurt you and make amends for it, he’s not ready for a relationship.” Competitive_Chef_188
13. AITJ For Confronting My Co-Intern For Sending An Inappropriate Email Under Both Our Names?
“I (23F) work for a nationwide program in a small city as an intern. 23(M) “Matt” (not his real name) is my co-intern. Our roles are equal. While Matt is kind to me, he is also somewhat clueless about “office etiquette” of any kind. We are both in “low” roles (interns) within our department – we are there to help out and complete small tasks, we do not have subordinates, nor do we manage or head large tasks.
In the last 6 months, Matt has advised one company’s CEO to “finish up” while he spoke during a meeting, has bossed other interns around, invited himself to lunch or private events that other employees discussed, asked inappropriate questions, taken incorrect initiatives and in general, is unpleasant and difficult to work with.
We were recently tasked with creating a small community event. Matt took on the role of emailing smaller vendors and nonprofits around our city, asking them for help with our event. Without telling me, Matt sent an email to 600 people in our city, some of them being key players/CEOs.
The email was rude, asked for funds (which we were **not** allowed to do), used improper grammar, contained incorrect information, and frankly, was embarrassing. It insinuated that nonprofits should dedicate their time to helping two lowly interns with a tiny project – it was an email I would NEVER send.
At the end of the email – Matt signed BOTH of our names, first and last.
That means that 600 people, in a city where I would like to one day get a full-time job and begin my career, received an inappropriate email with my name attached. I was furious.
Matt and I sit side by side in a cubicle, I asked him point blank how he could’ve done such a thing without running it past me. He told me he thought I would agree with the email, and that he had asked our boss.
(I asked her – she had told him not to sign my name). I told him he had taken things too far, had no etiquette or manners, and that he had a negative reputation in our department and within the entire facility. Other interns heard our conversation and nodded in agreement.
Matt said I was “mean” and that my comments were “uncalled for”. I have tried to be patient, but our roles are so closely associated that I am genuinely afraid his behavior might lose me a career within this city. I honestly believe I have been nicer to Matt than I should be.
Was I wrong to raise my voice, say what I did, and humiliate him?”
Another User Comments:
“My job is helping businesses build trust and psychological safety. I’m glad you said something – and if you ever find yourself in this position again let yourself BREATHE to regulate your nervous system so you can allow yourself to respond in the most logical way you can.
Talking to his boss first might allow you to realize that in the moment. In any case, your speaking out against it likely showed your coworkers that it’s okay to be brave and speak up for yourself.” roguescott
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I read your comment that he was fired, that’s great!
But you might want to talk to your boss about the effect his email might have on these vendors and companies. An official apology email for the email and that the employee who sent it is no longer with your company. Maybe somehow working in that you were unaware or not involved. Especially if it could cause issues for you on future job hunts.
Or, if there’s no chance you might be hired there after your internship, some sort of guarantee that if anyone calls about from prospective employers that something is noted you had nothing to do with that if it’s brought up.” New_Shallot_7000
Another User Comments:
“No, you weren’t. Matt didn’t even have permission to use your name in the first place. You both have the same role, so you have the same rights in the internship as he does. If he is causing problems in the workplace by being rude and using your name without your consent, you have the right to do something about it.
I’m just saying it’s time to step your game up and teach Matt some manners!” Willing_Foundation90
12. AITJ For Wanting To Report My Manager To HR For Unfair Treatment?
“I’ve been having issues at my job regarding a manager for the last couple years and I’ve finally had enough. I, 19(f), have worked at my current job for 2 years.
My manager, 29(f), called her Sam, has had issues with me for about as long as I’ve been there.
For some context, she used to be a full-time manager and was recently promoted to be our general manager. In the 2 years I’ve been there, I’ve applied for supervisor once and assistant manager twice, both of which I did not even get an interview for due to her having some biases due to a coworker who has not worked there in the time I had applied for those.
This is part of the reason I wish to report her.
I am well respected amongst my coworkers and trained in almost all of our departments. When we had our previous general manager, I was given 3 to 4 shifts a week in my preferred department and was given more opportunities for leadership when on shifts.
Since Sam has become general manager, I get one to two shifts a week in a different department that I am not as strong in.
I also notice a lot of other small things that others notice as well. Sam’s very friendly and has lots of conversations with other staff we have but she rarely will even say hi to me when I clock in or when I say hi to her.
She will have me do some tasks involving food prep or cleaning up in front of the counters and not in the usual way instead of in the back where food prep areas are and in the proper manner that we usually do.
When I try to take other coworkers’ shifts for them, she will deny the request due to “cutting hours” but will allow other people to take shifts for the same times and days.
Sam’s just been always generally very cold towards me and out of her way to make my job more difficult and unpleasant. I am at the point where after 2 years I am fed up with her petty grudge that she seemed to have formed at some point.
I have also talked to other management that no longer works there and they have confirmed that she has bad-mouthed me in the office but never about anything specifically and has never said one good thing about me.
I wonder if I am the jerk because I could just be overthinking it and taking it personally when it is not a reason to get HR involved.
So, it for wanting to get HR involved to resolve whatever issues there seems to be?”
Another User Comments:
“Not going to give a judgment, but before going to HR with your claims make sure they are verifiable and it’s not just a ‘she said’ situation cause that can backfire on you pretty badly if she does have a problem with you.
I also highly recommend finding another job somewhere else. Management jobs are out there, and you deserve a better work environment with room to grow. Not everyone wants to be in management and not everyone that wants to be a manager has the right attitude for it, so it’s bad if you are being held back.” Less-Engineer-9637
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would bring up the fact that your manager is messing with your source of income by giving you fewer shifts than everyone and not allowing you to take shifts but letting someone else take that same shift.” mikutsumiki
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know where you live, let alone where you work, so I have no idea how HR operates where you are, but…..everywhere I’ve worked, they would consider you the problem because you’re coming to them about what they would call “an interpersonal issue.” They would only get involved if specific laws regarding discrimination or pay were being broken, and that isn’t what you’re describing.
So, NTJ for wanting HR to get involved, but, unless you know that they will get involved in these sorts of situations and that they’re helpful, it would just be a waste of time, and might make it harder to get a reference. Try to find a new job.” hubertburnette
11. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Despite Being A Key Part Of My Family's Household?
“I (18M) am thinking of moving out of my mother’s house but I am torn on the decision of staying longer or going. Some context, I love my mother. She gave birth to me and has provided me with most of the things I needed growing up but I was her first child and she was 16 when she had me.
My dad wasn’t there either but that doesn’t have an impact here. What does is how my mom chose to go about raising me mentally. She’s not the best communicator so telling her anything resulted in a punishment if she wasn’t happy with it.
Her main form of punishment was stripping me of every escape I had and it was never over anything major instead it was over minor stuff like debates she was close to losing, or a slight change in tone that she would perceive as attitude.
I couldn’t even tell her I was tired without her rising to the occasion of escalating a situation. Threatening to kick me out was also common. She had a “My way or the high way” kind of behavior that she treated the whole world with.
I’m 18 now and even though my getting a job resulted in another fight, I do have a job now and my things. I can move out in 3-6 months. But I don’t know. I’m worried about my siblings(14M and 3F). My brother is very capable but has school and my sister isn’t in any daycare.
Mom also works nights so during the day she needs rest watching my sister is hard and she doesn’t want to deal with my sister’s father so I do that for her on weekends as well as babysitting. Mom’s a single parent after all.
I do everything around the house that isn’t a paid bill.
I pump my mother’s gas, shop for food, clean, make her food, do house repairs, help with car repairs, deal with her baby’s father, and care for my sister mostly around the clock. My brother pulls his weight and helps when I’m working but still, I’m an important part of this house’s structure and my sister sometimes prefers my presence to mom’s.
I feel like I owe these duties to my mother as the oldest son and I would be a jerk to just up and leave one day. Yes, it is genuinely draining to be here but still, I’d lose my entire family if I moved out and would be painted in the same light as my deadbeat dad.
I want out but I am a key part of this household and that’s why I’m torn about this decision. So I’m here for second opinions. WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you would not be a jerk if you moved out. Your Mom is a young adult who needs to get her life together and not dump all of her adult duties onto a teenager.
Also (and this is coming from a mom of two kids): you don’t owe her anything for giving birth to you and taking care of you when you were a little kid. We have kids more or less for ourselves, and we OWE them a reasonable level of care and upkeep (it’s the law).
She also sounds abusive. NTJ. (Your mom is, though.)” GiantPixie44
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like a challenging home life… I’ll just put it this way: you owe your mother nothing… parents are supposed to raise and take care of their kids, not the other way around… The question is your siblings, and whether you want to stay for them or not… Of course, you can still try to be there for them in a limited capacity if you move out… but don’t kid yourself, it wouldn’t be the same… Also, as an 18-year-old, I assume you don’t have some crazy high-paying job, so you’re likely to be able to save more money for your future if you stay at home (unless you start getting charged a lot of rent, etc…) Only you can make this decision for yourself and your situation… NTJ either way you choose…” Driftwood256
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s natural for a young adult to fly the nest, especially when there has been mistreated and parentification of the oldest child. Your mother should’ve taken this into account and sorted her own life out. She will now have to deal with her choices and deal with the dad to get childcare.
NTJ- none of this is your responsibility.” Sea_Supermarket_9728
You don't owe your mom anything. Her punishments are cruel and her expectations of you are completely unreasonable.
She's actually made you a husband figure and parentified you in the household. It's twisted.
Move out and don't feel guilty. Your siblings are not your children and although you feel responsible for them, you're not... mom is. Keep in touch with your siblings as best as you can but don't take on the responsibility of raising them anymore. It's time for you to find your own way in the world. Good luck
10. AITJ For Calling My Unemployed Partner A "Bum" For Changing My Birthday Plans?
“Would being called a “bum” offend you?
I am writing to hear people’s opinions on this situation.
For context, my partner and I have been together a year and a half and are pretty great. He’s been a great partner supporting me. He got laid off from work in May and hasn’t found a job yet.
My birthday is this weekend and not all my friends are coming I’m celebrating mostly with him, my best friend, and her partner.
We were planning to go to Las Vegas (which he hates), but drama with friends happened and we chose to stay. With that, I told him I wanted to go shopping for dinner and to get messed up after.
Now yesterday I was discussing with a friend how “bum” is used in fantasy.
Supposedly you can’t swear on social platforms so people just call the players “bum”. We were laughing about it and teasing each other about it.
In the middle of the day, I receive a text from my partner (exact words):
“You’re going to hate me…I know Saturday is your birthday and I love you…you’re a super cool and understanding girl…but the Penn v Ohio game is at noon…”
I felt superheated at the moment and told him it was messed up. He said to “hear him out” and we can go to the game and then shopping together after the game. Still felt personal like it was not nice, I don’t love football like that, shortly after I texted (exact words): “You’re being a bum”
He joked first about the word and then switched to anger. He took it very personally by this word and felt his character was completely attacked. He felt hurt and felt like I truly felt that way about him. He feels like he’s doing a lot for me and was crazy that I would call him that.
Being in his current situation with no job and his life under a “microscope” he felt like I did that intentionally and “irresponsibly.”
I have apologized for a multitude of times. I explained how that’s not how I feel about him and that was a really bad word choice.
I explained I was using it the whole day and that I meant nothing of the meaning of the word. I tried letting him know that I wasn’t calling him a bum I just meant the action was bummy. I tried letting him know I didn’t think it would personally hurt him and was insensitive to his situation.
I told him I loved him and that’s never what so would think. I validated his feelings and took accountability.
I never wanted to hurt him and never thought I should have reacted or name-called.
He’s still upset.
What do you guys think?
What can I do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It feels very manipulative to me. When he realized that you were (rightfully) upset with him for trying to change your birthday plans, he started acting like you did something hurtful so he could guilt you into 1.
going with his plan or 2. not being as mad at him over his thoughtlessness in putting his wants over yours on your birthday. He is in the wrong here, not you. Don’t let him turn the tables on you.” Revolutionary_Let_39
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’ve never used bum in that way but I can see why he got offended by it. Having said that, the reason he’s upset is his fault. If he’s putting in the effort and can’t find a job, then he wouldn’t take offense to that; if he’s being lazy, then yeah, he will feel he is a bum.
Having said all that, the birthday of your partner trumps an amateur football game.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“So he turned the table on you by grabbing your saying bum and making it sound more offensive than him making your birthday about him, what he wants.
You’re a super cool and understanding partner who reeks of fake honey dripping to sweeten you up to his raw deal. NTJ. Maybe bad choice of a word but maybe it’s a case of deep down you might feel that way. Bum deal you have there.
Maybe you deserve better. I think so.” pensaha
9. AITJ For Not Telling My Cousin's Partner I Was On My Period?
“To preface this, me (F23) and my cousin (M25) have always been really close.
We are both only children and grew up three houses down from each other. When we were younger we started this tradition of having movie marathons once a month, we’re both huge nerds.
Today we live about an hour away from each other in different cities but we’ve kept up with our tradition.
We take turns holding a movie marathon day/night and this time it was my cousin’s turn to host it.
My cousin lives in a three room apartment with his partner (F26) and I’ve always gotten along with her as far as I’m aware. This would be the first time she was home during one of our marathons but I didn’t mind if she joined us, like I said I thought we were good.
It was that time of month for me but I didn’t think much about it. I had pads with me and I had my own beddings at my cousin’s place, as well as a towel to sleep on in case of an accident. I usually sleep on the couch in my cousin’s office when I visit so no big deal.
The day went great, we had decided to watch some Star Trek and his partner would check on us from time to time but started that she wasn’t a fan of sci-fi.
The morning after I was woken up by yelling and quickly got up to see what was going on.
Turns out the partner had found one of my used pads in the bathroom trash can and she wasn’t happy about it.
She came at me quite aggressively and asked why I hadn’t told her that I was on my period and how gross it was that I just threw my pads in the trash.
Now I’m not the most Zen person so I did raise my voice at her, asked her what she was on about and why it was such a big deal.
She started crying and even though my cousin didn’t ask me too I felt I should leave.
Took an early train home and now I’m sitting in my apartment getting bombarded by messages.
I’ve gotten some harsh texts from the partner’s friends and even a couple of family members telling me I should have told her I was on my period and I was a jerk for yelling at her and making her cry.
I’ve been known to be pretty ignorant when it comes to social cues and norms so I might be completely wrong in this but I wanted to get some opinions from some strangers on the internet before I do any apologizing.
So.. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Where, exactly, does she propose you dispose of your pads if not in the trash?! And on what planet is someone you hardly know entitled to any of your medical or health information? This is absolutely bananas. It seems like she has some serious internalized misogyny.
If she can’t handle another woman menstruating in her home I seriously worry for her.” SpicyTurtle38
Another User Comments:
“OK I’m not exactly up to speed on what “girl code” or female etiquette entails and MAYBE this is just my male brain not understanding but… somehow it never once in my over 30 years of existing crossed my mind that it would be considered normal or expected to greet someone with “Good afternoon, how do you do?
Oh so you’re aware, I’m on my period right now.” I mean, I’ve had partners tell me before but that was concerning a specific context that was a little bit more than just staying overnight for a movie marathon. NTJ” neophenx
Another User Comments:
“First of all, NTJ.
If it was me, I would be asking my cousin what is going on. The only possible explanation I can think of might be if the partner has some sort of dysmorphic relationship with her uterus – not born with one, traumatic hysterectomy, etc? Maybe it’s a trigger for her that someone else is having a menstrual cycle that she can’t have?!
I’m not saying this would forgive her actions, but it might explain it. Otherwise, I don’t know – so odd.” kellerinacatmac
8. AITJ For Not Including My Half Siblings In Visits To My Paternal Grandparents?
“So I (16M) have grandparents on my dad’s side of the family. But my half siblings (via mom) have no grandparents. Mom’s parents are not in our lives and never were.
My mom’s husband’s parents are also not in the picture. It’s always been that way. While my grandparents were always in my life. When my dad was alive we saw them all the time. After he passed away I stayed close to them but Mom and they had a lot of disagreements and they no longer spoke.
I was 6 when Dad passed away. Mom remarried a year later. My parents’ marriage wasn’t great and I have been made aware of that so I think moving on fast helped my mom a lot. She was able to enjoy a relationship again. I never had the greatest relationship with her husband.
I think he always had some bad feelings toward my grandparents because they stayed so involved with me but weren’t part of the wider family and they always referred to him as my stepdad while he feels they should have said “parents” vs mom and stepdad to me.
But they know I don’t say parents to mean my mom’s husband. They refer to him as more of a familial title than I do.
But anyway. I have three half-siblings. They are not included by my grandparents, which makes sense to me because they are not family.
I always go to my grandparents, they never come to my mom’s house. So it’s not like it’s being rubbed in my half-siblings’ faces. But it upsets my half-siblings and bothers my mom and her husband that I have grandparents, and an extended family, but not my half-siblings.
For about a year now I feel like my mom and her husband take it out on me. It started because they were dropping more hints that I should ask my grandparents to invite my half siblings over/out with us. But I didn’t want to do that.
Then my mom would put roadblocks up so I couldn’t go with them. Her husband would grumble every time I was about ready to go. They would try to come up with mandatory “family obligations” we had with each other. Then came snarky comments about me not caring about “my baby siblings” and how my half-siblings were watching me and seeing that I loved people who denied them.
I snapped when that comment came up from my mom and told her it was not my fault my half-siblings don’t have grandparents and that she should stop taking it out on me.
Mom said I didn’t care and I had no idea why they were upset with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. Your grandparents are NTJ as well. You’re right it’s neither yours nor your grandparents’ fault that your half-siblings don’t have grandparents. It’s their parents’ job to explain to them in a kid-appropriate way about the nuances of blended families.
I also have no idea why they’re upset. Your paternal grandparents have no familial relationship or obligation to your half-siblings.” Due-Signature-3311
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You have grandparents and they don’t. They have two living bio-parents and you don’t. Are they offering to kill off one to make it fair?
Maybe your grandparents would have been more inclined to be more welcoming of your other family if they had thought she was trying to keep them in your life instead of working against them. She could have given them “grandparents”. Surely there are older people in your community who are lonely and would have adored being invited to join your family for holiday meals or even just a regular walk around the park.
Instead of demanding favors from people who she dislikes, why not try to be more inclusive and see what can grow?” laments
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and neither are your grandparents. Sounds like for whatever reason both mom and stepdad don’t have relationships with their families, that’s on them and not on you.
And including your half-siblings isn’t something your grandparents need to do, nor should you feel bad about spending time with them. Just a thought, would you rather go live with them? At 16, well you probably could if you wanted and they wanted, sounds like a healthier environment honestly.
Also, have you ever reached out to your mom’s parents? I’d be super curious what they’d have to say and if they’d want a relationship with you as well. Good luck in any case.” SingularityMechanics
7. AITJ For Accusing My Dad Of Favoritism Over Takeout Food?
“I (15F) have divorced parents, I spend alternating weeks at each house. I’ve got two half brothers (10 and 9) at my dad’s.
In the past two months, my dad has ordered takeout at least 7 times. We use the same account on a delivery app, so I can look through the past orders and get notifications whenever he gets something.
This number is just those deliveries, so it might be more if he gets food any other way.
Not a single one of these 7 orders has been during my week at his house. In the last year, he’s ordered similarly high amounts of food, but I’ve only had it at his twice.
He says that it’s just a coincidence. When I’ve asked him if we could have something ordered during my week at his, he just tells me that I’m free to make something from what’s in the fridge and to stop acting like he’s made of money (he and my stepmom both make a salary decently above average in our area, but they’re not rich).
My mom doesn’t get takeout at all, she’s really big on healthy eating and makes all my meals for me (I make breakfast and lunch for myself at my dad’s, and alternate days with my stepmom cooking dinner for everyone). I’m not bothered about not eating takeout with her, so I guess my biggest issue with it at my dad’s is feeling so left out rather than the food itself.
On Friday I got to my dad’s and noticed a fast food bag in the garbage. I’m not sure why, but I was more upset than usual by it, so I asked why my dad refused to ever get anything with me around. We started arguing pretty badly and I ended up implying that he favored my brothers and asked why he even bothered to have me at his house when he didn’t want me there, which I do understand I shouldn’t have done.
He’s not talking to me at all right now.
I’m worried I’m being a brat by being upset about this. I’m a good cook and the fridge is always full, I’m not deprived of food in any way. I do understand that ordering for 5 people is more expensive than for 4 and that it’s only my stepmom cooking when I’m gone, so, of course, she’ll get tired sometimes.
Accusing him of favoritism wasn’t right, I wish I hadn’t done that. I’m just wondering if I’m the jerk overall for being so unhappy with this and letting it turn into a fight, because it’s a pretty minuscule issue I’m making a big deal of, but a part of me still feels justified and a bit good about yelling at him over it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and your dad giving you the silent treatment is a massive indication he knows he’s done wrong but hasn’t got the arguments to back it up. He’s being childish and petty and although on the face of it, this is a minor thing, he should care that you are feeling neglected – cause that’s what this is really about, isn’t it?
I suspect that you probably won’t be enjoying the take-out food much if you get it (it’s fairly rubbish stuff once you’re used to proper food), but that’s no reason why you won’t want to eat it occasionally, just like everyone else!
Punishing with silence is terrible parenting, btw.” gromitrules
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel like everyone pondering the different reasons that he might be doing this is missing the most salient point. He orders takeout when you’re not around because he is too lazy to take on any of the cooking himself.
This is the compromise to stop your stepmother from feeling that disparity in their workload. When you are there, you cook every other night – he had you fill his partner/parenting duties for him. So why would he order takeout? It’s very selfish of him and your feelings are entirely justified.” daisy_chi
Another User Comments:
“I can’t say if he’s playing favorites when it comes to the takeout/fast food, but I do wonder why he never does when you’re around. I’m more concerned about the fact that you always have to make your breakfast and lunch and then have to alternate cooking dinner for anyone.
I guess every family is different, but that doesn’t seem to be something you should have to worry about. The fact that your dad isn’t talking to you over this is kind of silly, too. It’s up to you, of course, if you feel it’s something you should apologize about.” Billros23
6. AITJ For Wanting To Confront My Roommate About Her Poor Hygiene Habits?
“I live in a two-bedroom shoebox apartment in Toronto. My roommate, whom I met in September, never washes her hands after she uses the toilet.
The walls are thin and my bedroom shares a wall with the washroom, so it has been pretty easy for me to notice the pattern via noises. The toilet is always still flushing (as in making noise) when she opens the door, and she’ll run the sink water for two seconds at most. This pattern includes when she uses the restroom, which I know because one morning I was waiting to brush my teeth and the same thing happened; the still-flushing toilet and two seconds of running water, except this time there was a strong smell and she apologized for having stomach problems.
I don’t want to be rude, but I hate wondering if any of the common spaces in our apartment are covered in trace amounts of urine or waste matter, and constantly taking disinfecting wipes to every surface and doorknob. I don’t even like to think about the dishes.
I’ve already been riding her a bit about other things, asking her to scrub the dishes more thoroughly, making a chore chart and asking her to keep up with it, telling her to clean up the stains she leaves on counters, etc. There are still little things that irk me, and which I plan to bring up when the time is right (she never takes out the trash, for instance).
So I’m worried about coming off as a jerk. I have weekly sleepovers in the apartment with my best friend (I asked my roommate’s permission, of course), which my roommate was immediately cool about, which I appreciate. She’ll also ask if I need anything from the bathroom before she showers, which I found considerate.
So I’m not trying to paint this girl in a terrible light; I don’t know her super well. But I got sick as a child because of similar poor hygiene in my classroom, and I was sent to the ER, so I tend to have an emotional reaction to this sort of thing.
What should I do here? Would I be the jerk if I said, “Hey, I’ve noticed you don’t wash your hands after you use the toilet, can you please make sure to wash them?”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think there is no way to bring this up without causing offense and irritating her.
NTJ but it’s just not going to come across nicely. The only thing I can think of is saying something like “My omg I just saw a documentary that said if you don’t wash with soap for ~~2 minutes~~ 20 seconds, you could be tracking waste matter around the house, did you know that?
I’m going to get some antibacterial soap and make sure I wash for longer. Can you imagine what might be around the house???!!!!” And change roommates as soon as practical!” sarcastic-pedant
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like what you’re saying is not that she doesn’t wash her hands, but more that she doesn’t wash them to your standards.
I have news for you. The majority of people don’t scrub down like they are getting ready for surgery after using the bathroom in their own home, and usually just get their hands wet for two seconds. Gross? Probably. I worked in food service for decades so I have read the literature too, but still.
Pretty normal. You may not have the mentality needed to live with others. I’m leaning more towards I think this is more a very mild YTJ if you come in hot to confront her, and maybe everyone is a jerk here depending on how she reacts.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I think that if you live in a place with such thin walls, then you have to pretend to not hear what goes on in the bathroom…otherwise, you give each other zero privacy. So, it’s not appropriate to nag her over her bathroom habits when you are essentially (unintentionally) eavesdropping on her restroom usage and listening for how long she washes her hands.
While it’s understandable that you are grossed out, it’s just not your place to consistently badger her like you are her overbearing mother. You can set up a chore chart and ask that she pull her weight, but at some point, you have to accept her the way she is and leave her in peace.
If you can’t ignore these types of issues, then you should come to terms with the fact that the two are just a terrible roommate fit and you probably should not live together.” neoncactusfields
5. AITJ For Creating A Chore Chart For My Non-Contributing Roommate?
“I (22, F) live with two other people (21 and 22, F). I’ll call them Eve and Mia.
We have lived with each other for over a year now. At the start everything was great and we all hung out and each helped around the apartment with tasks we enjoyed doing. Almost everything was split three ways.
However, around 5 months ago, we realized Eve had stopped doing some of the things around the apartment and she had started talking to us less.
Mia and I were first worried about her mental health so we invited her when we went out and even planned events just for her but she always canceled on us 15 min before we left to be with her other friend.
At this point, she hasn’t talked to us in 2 months except replying to a singular text with a thumbs up but her friend has practically moved into our place as they spend almost every single night and use our fridge.
We are all full-time students and Mia and I also have jobs. A month ago, Mia and I both took on second jobs meaning we were never home. Most days we are out from 7 am to 8 pm. When we were home we realized the apartment was nasty and that we would have to spend our little free time cleaning up.
This was not just tasks like sweeping or mopping but also cleaning mold from our cabinets (which happens when they aren’t regularly wiped down… we live in the humid South) and degreasing our stove burner pans.
Resentment started to grow between us and Eve as we felt we were cleaning up after her and her friend’s mess while she sat in her room and smoked all day.
She wouldn’t even do her dishes! Not to mention Mia and I were the ones buying all the cleaning supplies for the house that she was also using like laundry detergent or sanitized wipes.
To solve this, I made a Chore Chart (two pieces of laminated printer paper) that broke down tasks into daily and weekly tasks.
Once a task was done whoever did it signed their name next to the task. I hoped this would show Eve how much Mia and I were doing and be a reminder every time she walked into our shared space.
Eve hasn’t said anything to us directly about the chart but I got home early from work one day to hear her ranting to her friend about how it was demeaning to her and made her feel like a child.
And that she never asked us to do her chores.
So am I the jerk for making a chore chart?”
Another User Comments:
“If she’s not going to do anything to maintain your apartment, then the only way is to make a chore chart… well, there is another way, and it may be the only way that will work.
It might be time to ask Eve to find a new place to live and to find a new roommate. She won’t do chores, then claims that she didn’t ask anyone to do her chores. She’ll hide in her room while the two of you clean the apartment.
Well… yeah. The nature of chores is that they need to be done. She doesn’t seem to enjoy your company, either. Yeah. Might be time to find a new roommate. NTJ to you for trying another way, though.” canuckleheadiam
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You all need to sit down and discuss the issues as you and she see them.
Putting up a chart without a discussion is passive-aggressive. You have made up a story in your mind that justifies your behavior. But the reality is that things have changed for all three of you and you need to act like an adult and negotiate the new understanding.” feminist1946
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. She’s filthy and she needs to learn to clean up, but you can’t be an adult in college and speak to her? This was childish. Also, that mold growing on cabinets is all of y’all. Mold doesn’t appear that quickly.
That “chore chart” ain’t solving anything just so you know. Who knows she could be petty and decide she most definitely isn’t going to do it since you wanted to be a child and not speak up.” Empress-Delila
4. AITJ For Translating My Partner's Comment To My Parents At A Restaurant?
“I’m a (almost) 22F and I recently came back from a weekend of vacationing in Chicago as an early birthday celebration.
For context, my partner (20M) is not a huge fan of cities and we argued about him going along with my family in the first place. I wanted him to go with me, to celebrate my birthday, but he refused because he didn’t think it made sense for him to go somewhere he didn’t like, and questioned why I asked him in the first place.
I told him that, “I would do something I didn’t like to make you happy, isn’t that what people do for each other when they love each other?”. He told me I was trying to make him feel bad, but I was only trying to communicate how I felt.
In the end, he let up and decided to go.
To the actual part situation. On Saturday, we decided to eat at a Dim Sum restaurant, my partner is not Asian and never has eaten Dim Sum before. This made him feel awkward and just let my family order as the carts passed by.
At some point, one of the carts stopped to ask if we wanted anything, and my partner blurted to me, “Is there any seafood?” (He loves seafood). I used to translate conversations with my parents, told them that he wanted seafood, and were wondering if there were any seafood options at the restaurant.
This led to my parents immediately asking if there was seafood. Instantly, my partner got mad at me, asking why I translated, and told my mom what he said. He told me it was a joke and that he didn’t want to bother her.
This led to him and I getting heated and I didn’t speak to him for most of the meal. When an order of seafood chow fun (one of his favorite Chinese meals) came onto our table, he whispered under his breath about being upset, something along the lines of “darn A….they ordered seafood”.
After the meal, I forgave him (he didn’t apologize), and decided to move on thinking maybe he just really didn’t want to bother my parents, since they were paying for all the meals, and I already knew he was already uncomfortable.
Today, my parents expressed their disapproval of his actions and treatment towards me for being mad at me over something so little.
Especially, when they welcomed him to order anything. This is making me rethink the situation and if I should bring it up on how he acted isn’t okay, but I’m afraid I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
So AITJ for translating and WIBTJ if brought it up again to him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do you want to be with someone who has to be convinced to go somewhere with you for your birthday because ‘He doesn’t like cities?” Do you want to be with someone who acts petulant and childish? Do you want to be with someone who you’re afraid to communicate your feelings about this to because it might start another fight?
Your family already knows you deserve better than him. They are just waiting for you to figure it out too.” NorthernLitUp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you ask a waiter if they have something is a reasonable assumption that you want that item. If he was trying to be funny that was stupid especially since it seems like only you and the waiter understand him.
Getting irate over the seafood thing seems childish but could require more information than you can even provide. The partner probably felt weird thinking he was imposing upon your parents. Regardless the outburst and anger not only ruin his mood but the entire table. He needs to grow up or someone have a conversation with him.” aloof_and_discreet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for translating but I’d be concerned if this relationship can make it if he’s this uncomfortable being around your family and you translating. How long have you been a couple? I think he acted a bit childish and not thinking so much about your birthday but only himself.
I get he’s only 20 years old, but he doesn’t seem to have manners or care much about them.” jacksonlove3
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Nieces Swim Due To My Fear Of Sharks?
“So before I get into this, I know I was wrong, I know I acted irrationally, I know I probably need some intense counseling. I guess what I’m asking is do I deserve all the anger that my sisters are directing at me?
I have two sisters. I’m 23, they are 28 (Bec) and 29 (Ada). Both have kids, but I don’t. We planned to do a family day at a local lake yesterday. My 29-year-old sister’s father-in-law got sepsis so she had to fly out and asked me to take her two kids to the lake.
I said sure. Edit: I’m also staying at her house until she gets home, this was badly worded. I was not just taking them to the lake.
I thought it would be okay even though I have a massive fear of open water (or sharks specifically).
It came from when we went to California as kids and I loved the ocean. Then however the brain works, I had massive nightmares about being grabbed by sharks and I’ve never swam again. I can go in pools as long as I can touch and see the bottom but a lake, pond, pool at night, etc… will leave me with a pure panic attack.
We got to the lake yesterday and I started freaking out in my head. I was okay on the outside but on the inside, all I could envision was some sort of shark grabbing my niece and nephew and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.
So I did not let them swim. They cried of course and Bec said I was being ridiculous. I said I know but I can’t help it. She called Ada and she told me to let them go in the water, and that Bec would be responsible for them.
I agreed. But as soon as they even dipped their toes in, I freaked out and told them no, they had to stay on the beach. Bec screamed at me that she’s just as related to the kids as I am and she’s overruling me.
I grabbed both kids and loaded them in the car and we left. We went to see the Taylor Swift movie and had a great time and they were happy.
I came out of the movie to about 200 missed angry calls and texts for Ada and Bec about not knowing where I was, me not telling them where I was going while acting so irrationally, etc… I guess about an hour in they remembered that check FindMy and saw we were at a movie so that calmed down but Ada ripped me a new one when I finally called her back and made me feel like such a jerk.
I tried to defend myself but she told me “There’s no defense for what you did today, you will never watch my kids again.”
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“So, even if you can’t control your fears and didn’t want to see anyone swimming (which you seem to know is irrational and you need to get help for that)…everything after “She called Ada and she told me to let them go in the water, that Bec would be responsible for them.
*I agreed*.” are you being a jerk? So, Bec was there, right? You handed the two kids off to Bec. You were free to handle your panic on your own. You should have left, alone, at that point. YTJ massively.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“Uh, big YTJ. Like, so much. You pretty much kidnapped the kids, are you kidding me? I cannot imagine the amount of fear their mother had. Besides, if you’re so afraid of big bodies of water, why would you agree to take the kids to the lake?
That was incredibly poor planning on your part. And once you realized you were freaking out, why didn’t you ask Bec to watch over the kids while you went to take a breather? Why, once Ada told you that she was giving the responsibility to watch the kids over to your other sister did you think it was appropriate to straight-up kidnap them instead of leaving them to enjoy their day?
You are right that you most likely need therapy to overcome your fear, but that is not the most glaring issue here.” Stellocchia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for two reasons. One. You cannot push your irrational fears onto kids. Your other sister was going to watch them and be responsible for them and you still said no. I have anxiety and some things make me very uncomfortable when playing with my 6yo.
Eg. If she wants to climb high on a playground. I remove myself from the situation. I tell hubby that I’m going for a walk and let them do their thing. She grows confident and I control my fears by removing myself from the situation.
Two.. you packed the kids up, took them somewhere, and were then uncontactable. Any parent would be fuming if they didn’t know where you suddenly took their kids.” CrabbiestAsp
2. AITJ For Refusing To Clean Up Messes Made While I Wasn't Home?
“I work a travel job. My shifts are 12-hour days, 3 days a week. I generally work my shifts in a row, stay in a hotel in the town I’m in, and come home on my days off.
I have ADHD, anxiety, and mild depression (although it was much worse when I was an SAH mom while going through school). My husband is a SAH dad. He is autistic, suffering from moderate depression, and has ADHD. We have 4 kids, who all have a mix of our MH issues.
I have spent a lot of time cleaning on the days I’m home. Especially in the kitchen, because I come home to trash, dirty dishes, and food left out all over there and in the living room. It’s disgusting. The flies the mess attracts are ridiculous.
I’ve tried talking to my husband about keeping up with it more, but it hasn’t gotten much better. I’ve told him it feels really disrespectful to me that I come home to that kind of a mess and it feels like it’s just left there for me to deal with.
I have been in his shoes. I was a SAH mom while going through school. I was also depressed. I also struggled with the motivation to do anything. Most of the 2 years I spent in school is a blur. I get it. I really do.
But I never left food out overnight or trash lying around. And the dirty dishes may not have been in the dishwasher, but they were at least in or next to the sink, not scattered around.
The 2 older kids can help, but we get a lot of attitude and arguments from them, (which is exhausting and I do understand my husband has to deal with that by himself when I’m gone) and the 3rd one can do small things to help.
The youngest isn’t much help yet. But at the end of the day, he is the parent/adult in the home.
The kids also go in and out of the house a lot, so they let a lot of flies in when opening the door.
That contributes to the fly situation, but the food and stuff left out clearly don’t help.
Note: I’m not talking about toys and other clutter here. With a house full of ADHDers, it’s never going to be spotless. I don’t expect the white glove treatment.
I just want to come home to a house that isn’t disgusting. I’m almost at the point I don’t even want to live with him anymore.
Would I be the jerk for telling my husband I will not clean up messes that were made while I wasn’t at home, so he’ll quit leaving it for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s completely reasonable to expect a clean living environment, especially when you’re working long hours to support your family. Your husband needs to take responsibility for the messes that occur while you’re away. It’s not fair for you to come home to a dirty and unsanitary house.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – there’s gotta be better solutions. You’re only gone for 3 days. You shouldn’t be having a fly infestation after only 3 days if you’re keeping it clean before you left, and after you came back. Does the weather affect it where you live?
Saying I’m not cleaning it, isn’t going to solve the problem. It will just snowball. You say you can’t afford a cleaner, can your husband get a PT job to help add to the budget? Is he treating his depression and ADHD?
How come you can’t talk to your kids about chores? You’re there for 50% of the time too.” Ok_Job_9417
Another User Comments:
“Nobody’s the jerk. You leave for 3 days every week and only have to clean up after yourself. The hotel does that for you.
You get the peace of sleeping with no trying to get this kid to eat, and that kid to do homework, no bath times, and those mornings with no making lunches, no getting kids out the door on time, etc. Your spouse is effectively a single parent while you’re gone: one person cleaning up after 5 people (including him).
Sorry, but that seems like a lot. Like, a LOT. And I can imagine that one person with MH issues taking care of four children with various MH issues would fall behind. There has to be a compromise on both your parts.” nennjau
1. AITJ For Asking My MIL To Stop "Helping" With Housework?
“My husband and I have two young children and are overworked. My mother-in-law lives 3 hours away and comes every couple of months for an overnight visit. Since we’ve had children the housework has gotten overwhelming and sometimes we will have a couple of piles of laundry or a sink of dishes when she visits.
Things are clean, just a bit messy sometimes. The problem is, that she tries to help by doing laundry or dishes. Almost every time she’s visited and “helped out” something goes wrong that ends with me having to do a lot more work to undo it.
For example: When she did three loads of laundry and put them away for me while I was away at the pediatrician’s office, I found out she had stopped the dryer cycle halfway through, folded wet clothes, and hung them up/ put them away in the dressers.
I had to try to go through all of our clothing to find the wet clothes to prevent mold. She did the dishes and put them away sopping wet without drying them. The cabinets had pooled water. She made lasagna the day I got home from giving birth and my brother-in-law spilled a bowl of it on my spot on the couch.
I only found out when I sat in it. She then said off-handedly “Oh he must have spilled his.” No one offered to clean it up and I ended up on my hands and knees shampooing the couch the day after giving birth. She also left a huge pot of lasagna that didn’t fit in our fridge I had to figure out what to do with it and then clean and return it.
This last visit she started to unload the dishwasher and I told her in a friendly manner “Oh please don’t do those, visit with your grandkids instead.” She told me that she was going to do the load of dishes unless I didn’t trust her to do them right.
I relented. Well, she left today and I found the baby bottles in the dishwasher after I told her please leave those I only hand wash them. She put regular dishes on my bottle rack (she has one for other grandkids she knows what that is).
I opened up the dishwasher and she washed the kid’s plastic play food instead of dishes. I had to reclean the bottles, the bottle rack now needs to be cleaned, and the play food–well I just hope the sanitary steam didn’t leach plastic into the dishwasher.
So WIBTJ if I told my mother-in-law to stop “helping” around the house because it just causes hours of extra work for me?”
Another User Comments:
“You wouldn’t be the jerk but where is your husband in all of this? Can he not see the stress his mother is causing you with her “helping”?
You need to talk to him about this if you haven’t already and be very clear about how you feel. Some of the things she’s done are so clearly unhelpful that I’d be wondering if she wasn’t being as unhelpful as possible on purpose.
The laundry thing gets me the most. Do her clothes smell like mold when she comes to visit? Because if not, she knows how to properly do laundry and is making an effort to make your life harder. She wouldn’t be welcome at all in my house after the “accident” with the couch.” paranblue628
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a proponent of being direct and honest. Don’t even say “Please don’t do that”. Say “Don’t do that. Stop doing that”. Also don’t wait for her to try “helping”. As soon as she gets to your house, sit her down.
“Mildred, please spend your visit playing with the kids or relaxing. I don’t need help with dishes, laundry, or other housework. DO NOT do any housework. I’m serious. Play with the kids”. That way, if she disregards this warning and does it anyway, she’ll deserve you being blunt and saying STOP.
She was warned.” AMerrickanGirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one who has ever taken care of a house continues to make the types of errors you have described. You have not mentioned that she does these things at her own house and by now you would know if she does.
Your mother-in-law is trying her best to get you to tell her directly that you do not trust her: “She told me that she was going to do the load of dishes unless I didn’t trust her to do them right”. My guess is the reason behind this is that she wants to undermine you with her son for some reason.
I would speak with him about this issue before talking to your mother-in-law. Maybe he can shed some light on her behavior. You have one of two choices, tell her you don’t trust her to do things right, or continue to have extra work to do when she is there.” [deleted]
