People Are Down On Their Luck In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Giving Up My King Size Bed Room For My Brother On Vacation?
“My partner and I (m21 and f21) are on vacation with my parents and we are staying at an Airbnb.
My brother (m23) and his partner (f21) are joining us here. Basically, we were in the state visiting him because he has an internship for the summer and now has moved on to another city while he waits for his partner to fly into the major city where his internship is.
My partner and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years now but he only met his partner this year.
In the Airbnb, there are three bedrooms. 2 with a king-size bed and one with a twin bed and a bunk bed. My parents took one king room and obviously, we took the other.
Today my mom asked us to give up our room because he and his partner haven’t really gotten to see each other all summer but for obvious reasons, I don’t want to. I also know that if our positions were switched (my brother is much more stubborn than me usually) I would have never gotten the big bed in a million years regardless of if my mom asked him to give it up.
AITJ for not giving up my room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People need to stop trying to justify ways to bypass boundaries and entitlements to something other people have that they want. And then get uppity when someone says “no”. If someone else has something and you want it you can earn it, buy it, find another alternative.
What you can’t do is shame someone into giving it to you. Attack them, take it by force, disrespect the word “no.”” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But come on, do your brother a solid! He obviously is lonely if he’s asking his MOM for a larger bed. And your mom…as a mom, the talks are necessary but painful….she was brave enough to ask.
Come on. Please. One solid for this internet stranger mom only because you said you have a great relationship. This will cement you forever as the family hero cause you got your bro some…snuggles…after a long dry summer. Just saying.” LongNectarine3
Another User Comments:
“Personally I would let him have a turn in the circumstances. But this is your parents’ fault. Your parents have had their whole lives to see each other, maybe they should be the ones to switch since they are the ones who booked an Airbnb that would cause conflict.
NTJ.” HiddenDestiny251
21. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Parents 40% Of My Savings For Their Bathroom Renovation?
“About a week ago today my parents started demolishing their bathroom and have gotten a builder in to renovate it. There ended up being water damage to some stumps and potentially some studs.
My mother sent me a message this morning stating that she wanted me to give them about 40% of my savings because they believe they will run out of money.
I am only in a traineeship and living out of home, so I had that money for an emergency. I responded to the message saying that I couldn’t give them my savings and my mother has yet to respond. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you don’t pay for other people’s renovations unless getting a share of the equity. Also, never ever tell anyone you have savings because someone always will say I crashed my car, pay for my repairs, I need dentistry work, I can’t pay my rent, I haven’t had a vacation in ten years, etc. Never say you have savings not even to parents.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think before they go asking for assistance the contractor needs to provide an estimate for whatever the repairs will cost, then your folks can re-budget their remaining work around that, or see what of it they can do themselves to cut costs.
Handling it that way can either save them money or require them to ask for much less. Bathroom renovations can be crazy expensive, but they don’t have to go “over the top”. After all, they need substance and not style.” Therx73
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should understand they took on this debt fully expecting to bully you out of your money.
They literally planned on using it when they got the estimate and waited until it was too late to make you rush to give it to them. I wouldn’t budge or give them a dime.” BlooomQueen
20. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Stop Working With His Female Business Partner After I Ruined Their Contract?
“My partner Dani (27 male) works with (34 female) Jessica. They work on contracts she gets for his business together of 50k a month minimum.
I, Vero 23f, was always welcome to join in and talk with them while they talked about the contracts and gossiped.
Now by accident, I spilled the beans and it got back to one of the clients and they canceled the contract. Jessica was upset and said I wasn’t allowed in the meetings anymore.
I told her it wasn’t okay to tell me where I could be and not be in my own home so she said she understood and now they are having the meetings at her house, just my partner and her.
I told him I don’t feel comfortable with them being alone and I want him to stop working on the contracts with her.
My partner was telling me they are just working and it’s my fault for losing them that contract. He is lucky Jessica isn’t making him pay for my mistake. Am I the jerk or should I do something to break up their partnership?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So you stay home and do nothing, ruin an important contract for them by gossiping, are jealous, and now want to destroy the partnership they have even though her work is likely extremely vital and she likely has more connections due to her having more experience.
Plus the business they have is the only thing enabling you to stay at home doing nothing. Gee, what a prize you are. You naively assuming Jessica isn’t vital to the business is honestly just you being blinded by jealousy and being too immature and insecure to handle your partner having a working relationship with another woman.
It sounds like Jessica is the leader of this partnership and you’re just not paying attention enough to anything but the fact she’s a woman, and that your mess-up almost lost your partner his job. You know, the job that pays for your entire lifestyle.
Grow up and stop acting like a petty child.” Worth_Raspberry_11
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You created the situation. If you don’t trust your partner then promise you’ll stay out of the space they’re meeting in and maybe Jessica will be comfortable enough to meet back at his (and your?) house.
Why do you want to break up the business partnership? This is his business, and you need to respect it. Stop gossiping. You are lucky you didn’t have to pay for the contract you lost them.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So you not only ruined their contract by breaking confidentiality which led to Jessica deciding that you shouldn’t be in the room( fair) but then you also decide that the meetings can’t be at y’all’s place?
Obviously, they are going to go somewhere. To then complain about them being alone when it’s literally your own fault. Yeah y’all should break up because it seems like he and Jessica are trying to run a business and are getting screwed by an immature partner.” [deleted]
19. AITJ For Refusing To Cut My Long Hair For A Friend's Wedding?
“I’ve been invited to be a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding.
And I have very long hair and do have a side job as a hair model, so my hair is well taken care of, not bleached, natural color, etc, …
But the bride asked every bridesmaid to cut their hair shorter than hers… She has shoulder-length hair!
So I just said “No, I won’t cut my 130cm (51,2 inches) of hair for your wedding! You accept me like this or I don’t go…”
But all the other bridesmaids told me that I was selfish, egoistic, and I was a mean person for arguing such a problem, and one of them, angrily told me to “cut them and donate to a cancer association” (she has the longest hair after mine) which I will after I end my model contract!
So AITJ for not cutting them?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ not only have I never heard of a request like this before but you earn income from your hair so to cut it would directly impact your ability to earn and harm your financial security.
It’s like asking an Uber driver to give away their car, they need it for work and you need your hair for work. The bride can get hair extensions if she is that conscientious about having shorter hair.” OldGrumpGamer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: If she wants all her bridesmaids to have hair shorter than hers she can hire people who have hair shorter than hers.
OR, tell all the ladies with longer hair they have to have an up-do. Tell her sure you’ll do it for $$$ (an absurd amount of money) because that’s how much income you’ll lose from your modeling contracts if you cut your hair. And when she screams at you for being greedy as well, you’ll have the confirmation the correct answer to this is to back away and enjoy your life, and let the bridezilla have her fantasy.” olddragonfaerie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course. You’re a model, they are not thinking about your job. Just one more thing: I’m Italian and when I read “the bride asked to wear this or that, the bride asked to cut my hair, the bride asked to cover my tatoo…” LOL In Italy there aren’t these requests.
It’s a wedding, a celebration, you are a guest who shares her friend’s happiness. But you guys make all about appearance.” NoRacines
18. AITJ For Not Extending My Wedding Time As Per My Future MIL's Demands?
“I (F26) and my fiancé (M28) are getting married at the end of this year at my childhood church on a Saturday. Future MIL is refusing to invite anyone UNLESS we change the time from 1-4 to at least 1-8.
Since it’s at a church, we have to keep in mind about the next morning service, and I’ve already signed a contract. Her excuse is that no one will want to drive from where she is from to see us for that short of a time.
Meanwhile, my family is coming out of state to see and support us. My fiancé is on my side, but I see where it is hard on him having his mom in his ear. This is making it almost difficult to move forward in planning since she refuses to help in any way unless we have it her way.
We see her tomorrow and I’m not budging on our decision. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I will say, you will have a bunch of people with nothing to do after four who don’t know the local area. It might be nice to make it clear, that you don’t mind if they organize their own after-party/reunion.
Maybe even make some suggestions of things they can do. Effort-wise, I’m talking about spending an hour compiling a list of restaurants you like and sending an email to both sides of the family. My family would turn this into an impromptu reunion and talk for hours over dinner, especially if the wedding couple had already left on their honeymoon.
We would organize this without the input of the bride. “Okay leaving. What do you guys want to do tonight?”” tealcandtrip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s not worth it for the invited to come, they won’t. If your mom wants to extend the celebration for some reason, she is more than able to set up an after-party for herself and whoever.
Also, I recommend calling your FMIL’s bluff. Tell her, “I completely understand. Since we’re not willing to extend the ceremony at the church, we will go ahead and do the invitations. You don’t need to do anything.” I get the feeling that she will use her role in the planning process to push her own agenda.” homoanthropologus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it really doesn’t matter–the church is available when it’s available: “Since it’s at a church, we have to keep in mind the next morning service, and I’ve already signed a contract.” All you have to do is smile sweetly and say “That’s when the site is available.
We’ll miss seeing anyone who can’t come, but there’s nothing to do about it.” Unless she’s paying for something, you don’t need to listen to another word from her and all the people she’s decided to speak for to pressure you.” Sea-Mud5386
17. AITJ For Attending A Wedding My Underage Sister Wasn't Invited To?
“I am 23 years old, and my sister is 16. Our family friends are getting married, and didn’t invite anyone under 18 – their two children included (although they are under five). My sister is offended that she wasn’t invited, as we have been close with this family our entire lives, but I tried explaining to her that weddings are expensive and complicated and it’s hard to bend rules.
She said that since she is not invited, the right thing to do would be to not go. My parents, my partner of five years, and I were all invited. I think it is more rude to not attend the wedding in some type of protest. I know there will be people I unintentionally upset when I plan my wedding in the future.
AITJ if I go to this wedding with my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Under 18s not being invited seems to be becoming more common. If they bend the rules for her, they need to do it for others. And if 16-year-olds are allowed, why not 14?
And then why not 12? What’s the difference between 10 and 12 as well, really? And all of a sudden you have a wedding full of kids, which is what you didn’t want, on your special day. Your sister just needs to accept it and you should attend.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Childfree weddings are becoming more common. The bride and groom may have chosen that rule to avoid other family members who are disruptive or because there will be booze and they don’t feel comfortable having minors where people may become a bit tipsy.
Overall, this was not done to spite your sister, it applies to all minors in the family, and you should still go and support your loved one.” TinyRascalSaurus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, go to the wedding. Watch out for the solidarity card. “Well if they can’t go I’m not gonna go and if they’re not gonna go then I’m not gonna go too.” All of a sudden 20 people don’t show up.
Yes, unfortunately, you can’t invite them all. And it’s not personal. Now your 16-year-old sister wants to make it personal, like if she can’t go you shouldn’t go. And literally I’ve read posts on here where what I just described happens.
Half a family doesn’t show up suddenly because one person isn’t invited.” Capital-Western8687
16. AITJ For Wanting The Master Suite On Vacation With My In-Laws And Kids?
“We often used to travel with my in-laws and everything was fine. We usually had our own hotel rooms or cruise suites, but when we rented houses they always got the master suite by default.
That was fine, except now we have small children.
When we go on vacation we usually split the costs evenly of a house or whatever we rent. I also have some bathroom phobias and really prefer having the privacy of a bathroom that’s just for us in our room.
In the past, I’ve just dealt with sharing when we have to, but it would do wonders for my anxiety not to.
Now that we have 2 small children who would also be sleeping in our room, I feel like it would be fairer to give us the larger room so we could better accommodate the pack-n-play, extra luggage, etc. My mother-in-law would be completely understanding if I asked, but my father-in-law is the type who thinks it’s his earned right as the “patriarch” to have the master room.
WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While I understand why your father-in-law would feel that way, he’s not the one who has to accommodate two little kids. How much smaller would their room be, anyway? They can deal with it—they don’t need all that room to themselves.
Also, you’re gonna be the “matriarch and patriarch” (assuming you’re in a heterosexual relationship) eventually, so you’re going to have the right to master suite sooner or later.” throwawayhappenings
Another User Comments:
“Have the conversation prior to booking. My husband & I were to go on vacation with our two small children to my parents’ timeshare.
My aunt and her granddaughter were also coming. Two Master suites and one room with twin beds. The plan was this… my parents master suite, my aunt master suite, the three kids in twin bed room… myself & my husband on the pull-out sofa in the living room!!!
No thank you. I refused to go. My aunt was not told why I refused. The next time I did go, my husband & son had a soccer trip. My daughter & I shared a master, my aunt & her granddaughter shared the twin, my parents the other master.
I will never be sleeping as a long-time married couple in the common area, not ever. That is no vacation. I’m not entitled, I will make other arrangements or not go. Everyone needs to be comfortable.” Traditional-Bag-4508
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The needs of you and your family have changed and also if you have a comfort issue about bathrooms, they have to respect it, even if they can’t relate.
Relationships with family members are only good as long as everyone gets what they personally want. Your father-in-law seems to be entitled and I’d not accept this so casually mention it to see a reaction. Depending on his reaction go on or consider not going on a vacay together in the future.” TheBattleCactus
15. AITJ For Wanting My Husband's Mom To Leave Before His Paternity Leave Ends?
“My husband and I are from different countries and we live in a third country (neither of our home countries) so our parents travel internationally to visit us and almost always stay at our house while they’re here.
A few months ago we had a baby (second baby) and I am a stay-at-home mom.
Anyway, my husband has been on paternity leave the last few months since the baby came (he gets 4 months in the country where we live), and since we had the baby I’ve been asking him when his mom is coming to visit because I know she wants to come and I know he wants her to come.
He is last minute with most things so I have been asking him but he kept saying he’s not sure. I have a good relationship with her and I enjoy her visits but the only thing I’ve told him is that I prefer she comes before he goes back to work so he can entertain her and do stuff with her.
Previously when she has visited he’s working so I am entertaining her mostly during the day and right now I have a newborn and he’s on paternity leave so it makes sense she comes right now so I don’t have to carry that load. Anyway his leave ends in a less than a month and he finally decided to organize her visit and he is saying he wants her to be here for his birthday which is a week after his leave ends, so she’d be here 2 weeks during his leave and one week while he’s at work.
I told him again that I prefer her visit ends before he goes back to work and he made me feel like I’m an awful and selfish person for not being okay with her spending his birthday with him. His birthday is a weekday so he will be at work all day that day anyway so we will celebrate the weekend before (while he’s still on leave) so I don’t see what the big deal is.
He’s been off work for 4 months and I would have been okay with her coming whenever during that time and now I am a bad person because I don’t want her to come while he’s working. Also, my birthday was a week after I gave birth and he did absolutely nothing for my birthday.
In all fairness though I told him not to go out of his way to plan anything because I didn’t want to make him feel pressured because so much was happening, but still, I feel like he should also be understanding just like I was during my birthday.
Also, my parents came to visit soon after the baby was born and he pressured me into convincing them to stay in a hotel (they usually stay with us) because I am sleeping with the baby in the guest room (so he doesn’t have to wake up at night) and he didn’t want them to sleep in our bed because he would have to sleep on the couch.
But he’s now saying his mom will sleep in our bed when she comes and he will sleep on the couch. Yet he is treating me like I am the jerk and only thinking about myself. I feel like I have been pretty understanding overall, but does this one request make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband wants the cake and to eat it too. He has been off for 4 mos and is not helping with overnights. In fact, not only he is not helping, his comfort is being prioritized over yours and you are the person who had a baby.
Now he wants you to do the work of hosting his mother and allowing her to sleep in your bed. That is a hard no for me. Nobody sleeps in my bed except for me and my husband. She can also get a hotel. What is good enough for your parents should be good enough for him.
How inconsiderate of him?!?” avyg2k
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you are to yourself. You BOTH made this baby and he is on leave. Your MARRIAGE is still a priority. You should be sleeping in the same bed still and he SHOULD be helping overnights.
Whether he gets up and does a diaper change or you pump so you can get a solid chunk of sleep while he does one feeding- whatever way SPLITS the responsibilities. It doesn’t even matter if he was working- your sleep being home full time with littles is JUST AS IMPORTANT to the life and safety of you and those kids.
It isn’t your job to entertain HIS guests whether you’ve just had a kid or not. It’s HIS mom, he should be there to be her caretaker and entertainment and buffer. Living in different countries means you aren’t likely super close so she’s a stranger in your home.
If he couldn’t be bothered to do ANYTHING for your birthday even if not going all out, then he clearly doesn’t care for birthdays – his own words and actions. He should’ve done something, and sorry not sorry, he didn’t do anything to bring this kid into the world.
He should’ve shown you he supported you as an individual in your marriage on your birthday! So birthdays must not be important enough to him for you to go out of your way with two babies at home to entertain his mother – a stranger – while he works all day.
This doesn’t sound like a marriage. You sound like you live with a roommate who doesn’t even like you and doesn’t contribute ANYTHING to the shared home. Check yourself- are you happy? Do you feel loved and supported? Is this how you want to live your life?
Is this the example of marriage and parenting you want to show your kids?” Jmfroggie
Another User Comments:
“Your context was key!! Without a doubt, I feel you are NTJ. But it sounds like your partner is at least a bit for ignoring your communicated boundaries or not talking it out more with you to understand your perspective.
He could have planned it so his mother stayed at a hotel or rental for the entire visit or even just the time he went back to work. And it’s a ‘solution’ you’ve already used with your parents as per his requirements/suggestion.
Not sure about your relationship with your MIL but could you communicate your wish for some space with her and see if you guys could find a balance for everyone? Timeline wise are we talking 5 work days that your husband would be gone for? – could she plan a local staycation for 2-3 nights somewhere close or maybe even a mini vacation in a nearby area to explore – if she stays over maybe she could go out sightseeing one day and a spa another day – maybe she’d agree, or want to offer, to take the kids for a whole day for you to go to a spa!!
It’s always good to do self-care but the built-in reasons are for a late bday gift and you grew and birthed a whole human award!! And if there isn’t a solution that makes you comfortable then I truly hope your husband respects your feelings and will listen to your boundary and accept it.
Also curious if on nights when hubby does not work the next morning he takes his parental shift/turn with the baby to give you a full night’s rest? And why is that not currently happening or is he covering equal duties for the kids elsewhere while on parental leave?” mymooseygooseymind
14. AITJ For Telling A Student I'm Not Sure If She Can Have A Quinceanera?
“I work with children, I have for over 10 years ranging from newborn to high school.
I had two students (aged around 4-5) talking to another student about how her sister had a Quince, this is how the conversation went:
A (who is Mexican): my sister had her Quince last week and it was so pretty and I can’t wait for mine.
B (who is African American): oh that sounds so cool I wanna have one too.
A: I don’t know if you can, I don’t know anyone else who has Quinces.
B: why not? I wanna have one too. *turns to me* Ms. can I have a Quince too?
Me (African-American: *not knowing the answer* I am not sure sweetheart I can’t give a clear answer cause I don’t know.
The next day B’s mom storms up to me yelling saying how dare I tell her daughter she can’t have a Quince, and I just said I am not sure as I’m not sure culturally or anything about them so I can’t say yes or no. The mom then complained to the principal about it saying I’m “crushing her daughter’s dreams”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You didn’t technically answer the question, so the mom’s reaction is way out of line and quite dramatic, IMO. She had no reason to even confront you over it. She could have easily addressed it with her kid. No one’s dreams were crushed. Just a mother overreacting and making a big deal out of nothing.
Personally, I’d say ANYONE who wants to have one of those parties is welcome to have one. People need to get over themselves and learn that no one race/religion/culture OWNS something. So if you wanna have Taco Tuesday, have at it. If your neighbor, an Irishman wants to have dreads, go for it!!!
My black cousin can join a bagpipe band, my daughter can have a quinceanera, and my boss is welcome to wear women’s clothes… None of this really affects anyone else. If anything, be flattered that they are celebrating your culture!” SigSauerPower320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You didn’t know the answer and said so. How the student took that and went and cried to mommy is on them. And for reference, Quinces are traditionally a Mexican/Latin American thing. It’s a big fancy party where the girl is announced and celebrated with specific traditions and such.
That said, anybody who wants to rent out a venue, dress up, and provide food for 100s of people is welcome to do it. But it would look bad for them to call it a Quince and not do all the traditional things because they are not of the culture.
Maybe next time, encourage the student to do some research in an effort to learn about it.” k_princess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You just said I don’t know, you didn’t deserve to be berated. And for what it’s worth, I’ve seen a HUGE thread at some point full of people from Latin American/Mexican culture saying that they did not care and encouraged people to throw quinceaneras because who doesn’t want a fun party with pretty dresses?
As long as it’s because you love it and not making it into a costume or caricature.” OccasionallyHailey
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Meal Plan With Friends?
“I (21F) am a college student living in a dorm, and I get a meal plan. I have made new friends in my program, and I often spend time with them on campus. They are commuters. I like them but they sometimes get on my nerves for many reasons.
Sometimes we go to the dining hall so that they can get lunch. But every single time we go there, they ask for me to bring them food. And they already have their own lunch. I don’t mind if someone saw something that looked good and wanted to try it.
But they see food and want me to get it because it’s “free.”
I do not feel comfortable with it. 1. It is one of my pet peeves when people are eating off my own plate. 2. It is one of those where I have to sign off my name and the workers serve it to me.
I do not want to go back up to them and ask for a whole other plate when I have already gotten one. 3. I get really annoyed when they keep asking. It is getting tiring. They ask all the time we are there. And then I have to throw all the plates away so they don’t get caught.
If I don’t get them food, they think that I’m being mean or say that I don’t like them. They say that they would get food for me, but I wouldn’t constantly ask and I would probably not be asking because I would have my own lunch.
And this is just the way I feel. I know others would feel differently, but unfortunately, I don’t feel the same.
I’m so tired of it, and I really wish they would understand how I feel. I wish they could see what it is like in my head.
I wish I could tell them but they would do something to poke the bear.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your perspective is completely valid. You do not want people eating off of your plate, you do not want to ask for a second plate, and you do not want them to keep asking.
They want you to provide for them. You are allowed to do so, but you are not obligated to and have stated clearly here. What really seems to be a pressing issue is how to confront them on this topic. It seems especially challenging since you have a whole group of people pestering you.
If you guys have a group chat, maybe start the conversation there? Alternatively, you could schedule something else (a meeting, club, etc) during a lunch period and see how they manage for themselves. Scheduling during lunch isn’t ideal, but telling them you are busy is a nonconfrontational way to hint to them that you are not comfortable with them during lunch.
And maybe you will even meet some new people during lunch clubs/activities? Just some thoughts – I had a similar problem with art supplies in the past.” No_Equivalent_3151
Another User Comments:
“Man, so much of this depends on how exactly your meal plan works.
How exactly is your meal plan charged? If it’s the type where you either have the meal plan or you don’t and so you have to pretend the food is yours to share with your friends, you really shouldn’t have to share with them all the time because that’s basically fraud.
If it’s the type where you can swipe in guests, it really depends on whether you’re at risk of not having enough meals for yourself if you keep swiping them in. Part of the reason I say it this way is that I went to a college that tended to upsell freshmen into having meal plans that included more meals than they needed, and if you didn’t use them all, they’d roll over into a pitiful amount of cash back afterward.
Like, 1/10th of what you spent originally. So the culture was for freshmen in many organizations to swipe in upperclassmen to use their meal plans more efficiently, and that worked well for everyone.” algunarubia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are using you for free food.
Can’t you get into trouble and lose your meal plan by doing this? If so, tell them that. If they continue or say that you won’t get caught, drop them. If that’s not the case, just tell them no that you’re not comfortable with that, if they keep pushing it they’re not your friends and you need to drop them.
No means no in all situations. I hope you tell them no and they leave it alone so you don’t have to walk away from friends. I wish you luck.” Chels-Smoosie
12. AITJ For Denying My Friend A Free Game Because He Didn't Want To Pay For The Season?
“A few friends and I have a flag football team with the main goals of seeing each other each week and having fun together. Really nothing competitive, season costs around $200 for each of us on the team.
Games were free for people who came in as substitutes since it helped the team and the season was already paid.
Before the start of last season, a friend decided to leave the team because he didn’t want to pay while not being available to play the whole season (10 games, no refund if one is missed).
He said he’d be open to being a sub if the team needed him (remember, free games).
First game came around and we already needed a sub because of a few guys working overtime. Instead of asking our friend who left the team, I decided to ask some guy only two people on the team knew to come and play the game with us for free.
I didn’t want someone who left because of a money reason to play most of the season for free instead, even if it’s a close friend of most of us on the team.
So, AITJ for denying a close friend of ours a free game because he said he didn’t want to pay to play?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO how many games did he anticipate he’d be able to play? Is it indeed most games or did his schedule change this season? If he expected to sub in only 2 or maybe 3 games, I think that’s fair he gave you notice he wouldn’t be available for the majority of the games, but could still come on occasion as a sub.
This gives you time to find another main team member and also have a sub available on occasion. If he expected to play in 5+ games, he should pay or not be invited to sub.” WilsonStation
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The parts about this one game would be no jerks because he offered and you decided to look elsewhere – both of these are fine.
(As long as it’s also fine with your teammates – a captain is not a dictator.) “He didn’t want to pay while not being available to play the whole season.” However, you are the jerk for calling this person a friend when it’s clear you don’t trust them (you think they are trying to pull a fast one instead of being sincere with that reason) and don’t appear to like them very much either (what happened to seeing each other and having fun together?).” RyanStoppable
Another User Comments:
“YTJ a little bit. The rule for this kind of thing would be that whoever is the person who isn’t showing up (in other words the person who PAID to play but won’t) gets to pick their sub. If they farm that out to someone else, then that person gets to pick.
For the folks that missed this game would they have wanted the original friend to be the sub or did you unilaterally decide to pick him without their input? Not sure how you guys can’t figure out how to let someone who can’t make all 10 games, pay for 5 and split it without someone else?” JaydedXoX
11. AITJ For Choosing My Partner's Family Over My Sister's Baby Shower?
“My (M23) partner (F22) of 3 years and I are at odds with my family.
My family has made it very obvious that they don’t like my partner for me. So after I moved in with her, we didn’t really come around too often. My family is very conservative while me and my partner are pretty liberal. And at this point, my partner is basically my wife, I’m just unable to afford a ring for her.
Her father approved.
My family would often tell me I could do better, and that I shouldn’t settle this early in my life. But I love my partner and that’s my choice to make. Things got worse when my sister (F29) stalked my partner’s social media and found that she follows “demonic accounts”.
I said “oh well!” And that was that. My family is Christian, I’m agnostic, and my partner is agnostic but still spiritual (she does rituals that her family has passed down for generations).
Unfortunately, we had a miscarriage. My dad told us that our baby is waiting for us in Heaven and that we should go to church with him.
Meanwhile, my sister told me that our mentally ill mother (BPD) tried to recruit her into a plot to break me and my partner up using the miscarriage somehow. This especially hurt me since my mother was in the room with us when we got the ultrasound and they didn’t find a heartbeat.
But it was nice to know my sister looked out for me.
My dad also sent me a very offensive meme about my partner and told me that she indoctrinated me. He went on to say how sad and hurt he is that I am the way that I am.
Some background on my sister: she helped me out in really dark times. I was severely depressed while living with my abusive dad. She let me move in with her and her husband while I got myself back on my feet. And I will forever be grateful for that.
But this is also the same sister who said I shouldn’t settle for my partner, stalked her social media and called her a “witch” to me.
Now she is having a baby shower on the same day I accidentally planned a trip to my partner’s mother’s house.
I’ve already declined to visit her mother twice before because I hate going to that forsaken city. But I figured that I should visit her sometime. My partner said she knows it doesn’t mean I love her any less if I go to my sister’s baby shower.
But I don’t want her to have to call her mother and say “he’s not coming again”. And I don’t want her to drive hours by herself to her mother’s since she will go without me.
I had a difficult decision to make.
So I called my sister and told her I won’t be making it to the baby shower. I told her I’m still getting her what I can from the baby registry, I’ll just be a few days late to actually give these gifts to her.
I also said that I still love her and support her, I just can’t bail on my partner and her family again.
My sister said it doesn’t feel like I love and support her since this will also be the first year I spend Thanksgiving with my partner’s family.
Am I a jerk for this?”
Another User Comments:
“You have way too much irrelevant information in this posting. You had to decide where to spend your time. You made the mistake of accepting two invitations for the same day. You thought it through and made the best decision for you.
And that is perfectly acceptable. You knew not everyone was going to be happy. I would say your sister is way overreacting by saying you don’t love her because you didn’t choose her and are spending Thanksgiving elsewhere. NTJ.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“Showers, baby or wedding, are normally for females unless, as in the case of a wedding shower, it’s a “Jack & Jill”.
Usually, the only males required to attend are the father-to-be or the future groom. Were you the only male expected to be there? You’re an adult. You get to make the decision about where and with whom you spend your time. Your partner was being generous in saying it would be OK to go to the shower and blow off your visit to her parents (once again).
But how many times can your family’s demands take precedence over her before her family starts taking it personally? And why wasn’t your partner invited to the baby shower? Was that yet another attempt at your family inserting themselves into your relationship and driving a wedge between you and partner?
You need to decide what is more important to YOU, not them, because if you do decide to marry the same type of nonsense is going to continue. Good luck!” Hippiechick0104
Another User Comments:
“I was a bit confused by your “accidentally planned” comment. NTJ, if you committed to the partner’s mom on (specific date) first. If your sister didn’t select an actual date until after you made your other plans, that’s on her, not you.
Your sister needs to accept it & let it go. YTJ, if you knew your sister’s date, then made the partner’s mom’s plans on that day. Be an adult & correct your error. Cancel with partner’s mom. Apologize & explain. If possible drive yourself there for the rest of the stay.
Follow through with your initial commitment. The first agreement comes first.” Here_IGuess
10. AITJ For Not Inviting My Distant Family To My Graduation Party?
“My family and I haven’t really been close. I rarely get invited to family gatherings, activities, or social events. So we almost never talk and I was fine with that.
Life you know.
But I’m graduating high school next year, which is super exciting!!! And graduation, of course, means a huge party with my close friends and my mom/dad. But now… my phone has been blowing up, with extremely rude messages from my family, wondering why they didn’t get invited. I didn’t really think that much about it, they never invited me so I didn’t assume they wanted to come?
Also, they have a habit of creating huge problems for no reason. I’m not about to have my get-together ruined, because they have a mild problem with something.
So now I’m wondering, am I the jerk for not inviting my whole family, to a huge milestone in my life?”
Another User Comments:
“Your family seems rude. LOL I mean, calling and complaining about not getting invited. Just wow. NTJ. Have YOUR party for YOU, it’s not about anyone else. Block the calls and warn your parents that you are not going to change any plans, just to make sure that they don’t invite anyone without your permission.
You don’t have to say it’s because you’ve never been invited much, just say you want to have a thing with those closest to you, period.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ and tell the truth and shame the devil (as we say in the USA).
“Why would I invite you? You never invited me to anything, very explicitly invited all the other people my age and not me (say or write calmly). You made it very clear you were not interested, so why would I invite you to anything related to me?” Which likely will get some bluster and “you are so sensitive” and stupid excuses about why but just stick to the truth.
“You excluded me and made me feel like I wasn’t family to you. I adjusted to that ages ago – You are not family to me. Just people I unfortunately happen to be related to”.
Now, question/INFO: Is this a party your parents are paying for?
And do they want you to invite these family members? Is it them you are hearing “must invite me” or is it your parents, because they are paying? Because if it is your parents throwing a party for you, and they want them there, you can say the above to your parents but know most likely this is about appearances for your parents.
If your party is smaller with hardly any family, when “everyone knows” you have a big one, your parents may feel embarrassed. So then, you have to think about what matters more for you. And also, what matters more for your parents? You could be gracious and let them invite whoever and just ignore those people while you hang out with who you want.
Or you could say to your parents, is this celebrating me? or about making you look good? What do you care about more? But beware, that’s a question you may not like the answer to. Be prepared.” The1Eileen
Another User Comments:
“Soft ESH without a more solid backstory.
You’re leaving a lot of details out of a nuanced situation. If you’re truly not close with the family they shouldn’t be offended to not receive an invite. To demand an invitation just escalates the drama in any situation. However, when you are a teen, there’s a big difference between not getting your own invitation and being expressly not welcome.
People don’t generally get their own invitations to things until they are adults. (I’m speaking in general terms here because I realize there could be cultural differences or family dynamics that are unclear) Since that’s your main gripe against them, you need to take a hard look at the types of things you haven’t been invited to.
Obviously it’s your party and you can invite whoever you want, but invitation lists are always a minefield for potential hurt feelings. Unless your family is excluding you from equally important events, it sends an aggressive message with weak justification.” jules24000
9. AITJ For Not Offering My Troubled Friend A Place To Live In My Home?
“My friend (27, F) and I have been best friends for over 10 years. I love her, but her life has been one issue after the other for the last 6-7 years. It started with a bad home life, her parents were constantly fighting/drinking and mistreating her.
From there, she’s been in multiple toxic relationships with different partners who she’s lived with to avoid going home to her parents. I’ve been encouraging her for years to get her own place so she can have her own safe haven and not have to worry about being kicked out, or mistreated by anyone but she’s never been ambitious about the idea and has only ever lived at her parents’ house or the abusive partners’ places.
I’ve been a major support in her life during all these years, endless hours of talking, venting and advice-giving, I always try to uplift her spirits and remind her that she can do better for herself, giving her a place to do her laundry, shower, etc. I’ve also been trying to connect her with my friend who’s looking to get out of her lease in the hopes that she’ll take it over.
Currently, she is living out of a garage with her current fiancé, they’ve been together for about 6 months but they got engaged after being together for 3 weeks. This gave me bad vibes from the very beginning obviously + I hadn’t even met the guy at that point.
Come to find out that they have been misusing substances constantly together since the beginning. They were living together at the mom’s house but about 2 months ago, my friend officially cut her mom off and therefore had nowhere to live other than with her fiancé in his garage.
She told me they recently decided to stop misusing substances which is great but I guess the honeymoon phase has ended because he does not want to be with her anymore and is treating her very poorly and showing early signs of becoming another toxic abusive jerk.
She’s been sleeping in her car for the past few days and recently we spoke about her living situation. I moved into my first house with my fiancé about a year ago, we are lucky enough to have a spare room and a decent-sized home.
But because of this extra space, she wants to live with me and doesn’t understand why I haven’t offered this as an option. Also, she does have a job and her own income so she would be capable of at least renting a room somewhere.
First off, my fiancé does not want her to live in our house which is totally understandable. Going against his wishes would be putting a HUGE wedge into our relationship. Second, she has no solid plan or timeline for getting on her own two feet, and once she’s here I feel like it would be impossible to have to kick her out again.
Three, she’s my best friend but I’ve never wanted to live with her, I know I would grow to resent her as constantly giving advice and listening to her vent can be very draining for me, especially if it were to be on a daily basis.
And lastly, I’m hoping this will light a fire under her backside to finally start making moves for herself and get her own apartment or room to rent. I’m just worried about her and concerned that she’s going to stay with this abusive guy instead if he allows it because it’s the easier choice.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a tough situation, but based on what you’ve shared, you don’t seem like the bad person here. It’s understandable to want to support your friend, but you’ve also provided support and advice for a long time, which she hasn’t acted on.
Bringing her into your home could cause stress for you and your fiancé, especially if she has no clear plan or timeline for becoming independent. It’s fair to set boundaries when her presence could disrupt your relationship and home environment. Your hope that this might encourage her to make a change is valid—sometimes people need a push to take steps on their own.
You could consider other ways to support her, like helping her find resources for temporary housing or counseling, but it’s not wrong to keep your home as a personal boundary.” Ohnothimagen71
Another User Comments:
“Oooof. I would really re-evaluate this relationship and the best friend status you have given it.
Why exactly do you think she is your best friend? She sounds incapable of giving any emotional support to you. It is all one-sided: you are there for her but she isn’t there for you. She has problems that you can’t solve. Letting her move into your home will not help her!
It may seem like a kind thing to do, but she will not get better this way. You will only ruin your own life! You keep saying that if you can just get her to see her situation for what it is, she will suddenly become responsible for her life.
But this girl has some deep issues stemming from her childhood that she hasn’t dealt with. This isn’t going to happen without professional help. What you can do is find her what services are available in your community to deal with her substance misuse, homelessness, and mental health issues.
Be kind, help your friend, but do not go down her path with her.” RaccoonRenaissance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. She’s not in a place where she’s ready to heal and make herself well. If she moves in with you, firstly, your relationship is over and secondly, you will be caring for her forever.
Don’t store her stuff, don’t give her a key, don’t let her park her car there. Don’t equate friendship with responsibility, you can still be her friend and not give her a place to stay. She’s an adult who makes her own decisions, and even if they are bad decisions, she is still the one who has to make them.” International-Fee255
8. AITJ For Not Pushing My Best Friend More To Achieve His Goals?
“My friend Sam (30M) and I (35M) have been friends for over 6 years now. We share a lot of common likes such as music, video games, movies, and TV shows, and we are also very goal-oriented. We have grown very close to each other in the past couple of years and have had many conversations about our dreams and aspirations.
We try to encourage each other to achieve those goals but many plans have fallen by the wayside, not due to me.
Any plan or concept we want to try usually ends up dying because of the lack of effort from him. We wanted to host theme dinners; he doesn’t host when it’s his turn.
We wanted to start a book club; he doesn’t buy any of the books we agreed on. We wanted to get in shape; he stops working out after a couple of weeks. We want to learn Spanish; he stops. Our latest goal has been to learn how to play the piano.
I bought a piano 2 months ago and I pay for a $30 monthly family subscription for piano lessons. I try to practice at least 3 times a week and I’ve seen him practice only twice since. To encourage him, I record my lessons and show him how much I have improved but nothing has changed. I’m thinking about reducing the subscription to a $20 individual plan.
I have asked a couple of times if he had practiced lately but he has said that he had too many problems to deal with to focus on that. When he said that, I didn’t press him any harder.
A couple of weeks ago we were having a conversation and he said that if I was truly his best friend, I would push him to practice all the time.
I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to constantly have to remind a person to do something that they want to do. This issue is just another problem of a long list of things that have me reevaluating our relationship.
AITJ for not wanting to push my best friend harder to help him achieve his goals?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t his parent. Pushing him to complete a goal isn’t your responsibility and will take away a lot of the joy out of the activity for you. There needs to be an evaluation of why Sam keeps starting and stopping goals.
You say you have talked to him about common interests, dreams, and goals. Things of that type. But have you talked to him about the other important aspects of life? Have you talked to him about struggles, past issues he may still be dealing with, etc?
He says he has problems, what are those? Friendship isn’t just about sharing interests – it’s about helping each other through the bad, the tough spots, and the things that keep us from doing what we want or need to do. The reason why your friend keeps abandoning hobbies likely has something to do with a darker aspect like this.
Of course, it’s not your responsibility to fix Sam’s life, either. But sometimes just talking about it to a friend helps a lot.” Mobile_Following_198
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should forget what he said about pushing him – he was probably just defensive about being criticized. Take the opposite conclusion: he is someone who enjoys talking about ideas and trying new things but doesn’t have follow-through.
The things you mentioned sound recreational – it’s annoying when he lets you down, but you’re not partners in a business that he’s dragging under or anything like that. So your friendship can continue, but try things that don’t need a big commitment, or that you’re okay with you making the effort and him being a tag-along whose company you enjoy.” SPARKLING_PERRY
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re already being a great friend by signing up for these things with him and encouraging him as much as you are already. If he just won’t do things in spite of all that, it isn’t on you to do even MORE to make up for his lethargy.
It isn’t your job to nag him. If you really wanted, you could just as easily turn it around to make him at fault – if HE were really a good friend, he’d be showing up and doing the things he promised you’d do together.
I don’t think that’s a good idea, though. He clearly has issues that are causing this behavior. Rather than accepting or placing blame either way, I think you should encourage him to figure out and deal with those issues – they’re what’s really stopping him from getting on in life.
It’s really up to HIM to decide to do that, though. It’s not your responsibility to force him to do anything; and even if you wanted to, you simply don’t have the power to do so. Nothing is going to change until HE changes it.” natteringly
7. AITJ For Not Letting My Friend Stay At My Place Last Minute?
“I have a friend who often comes to my city to party and he normally stays at my place during his visit.
Even when he stays over, I barely see him because he spends most of the time at the club. He only uses my place to sleep and to store his stuff.
Months ago he told me that he would possibly come and visit for two weeks but did not confirm anything.
I told him it is fine, but two weeks was a bit too long for me. I live in a one-bedroom apartment and have to work from home, so I don‘t have plenty of space when he sleeps on the couch and has his stuff all over my living room.
There was no news from him for weeks, so I asked him two weeks ago when he would be coming. He told me he hasn’t booked any transportation yet, but he thinks he will come this week. After that, he went silent.
My life got busy and I completely forgot that he would be coming.
I have made other plans for the week. Then yesterday he texted me that he will be coming today and he has already booked the train to where I live. I was surprised, so I told him that it is not possible anymore to stay over at my place because I have made other plans.
He flipped and told me that I should have checked on his plan as well. Now he needs to find somewhere else to stay last minute. I apologized but he has stopped talking to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend is using you for free accommodation when he is in town.
His plans should fit into your life, and if not, he should go elsewhere. It is just disrespectful and rude to ask you to check with him before you go and make plans, even if you knew he was planning on coming at some point.
He is not a friend, just friendly when he needs something. Tell him you won’t be his free accommodation and see how long he remains your “friend.” I’m sorry to hear it and be so blunt, but this seems commonplace in society now. We have so many abusers of good friends.
I hope you find some better friends who respect your good nature and treat you better for it.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! He’s inconsiderate and a cheapskate. Thank your lucky stars he’s stopped talking to you because now he will also stop taking advantage of you.
He was never your friend. Also, your rental agreement probably does not allow people to stay with you for two weeks unless you add them to the lease. Had an old friend of mine call me out of the blue after I hadn’t seen them in decades (seriously) telling me they were on their way to the area and if they could stay with me.
I said no because my spouse wouldn’t allow that. They were pushy and then downright nasty about it. Haven’t spoken to them since. Imagine that. Like 30 years and then getting upset because I wouldn’t let them stay with me. I don’t even know them anymore.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1
Another User Comments:
“I think everyone’s a jerk here – hear me out! He’s clearly the jerk for using you; he’s not a good friend, and he’s very entitled. Obvious. But you’re not faultless in this. YOU reached out to HIM 2 weeks ago to ask if he’s coming.
So you reminded him. He said he’s coming. Should he have confirmed when he booked his ticket? Yes. But you also should not have forgotten. It’s not like you made plans to mess with his, but you offered your place and time two weeks ago, so you should have remembered as well.
That’s why you’re feeling guilty and posting here. Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter cause he sounds like an awful friend, so you’re not losing much.” stunted_jest
6. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom After My Brother Got Kicked Out?
“My family is pretty religious and conservative.
I have my own opinions but I always keep my mouth shut. I just avoid my family for the most part.
My brother (20) still lives at home and well… ever since he was a kid he’s always been more out there.
He’s very open-minded and artistic as well, so he’s always annoying our parents and sisters. He was a really good volleyball player in high school but quit his senior year just to spite our parents so I’m sure you can tell what kind of guy he is.
But he’s the only boy so our parents keep “letting it go.”
Anyway, he recently acted in some silly amateur film for one of his friends. In it, he kisses a boy. I genuinely don’t care. The film wasn’t a secret and was posted publicly, so someone we know came across it and it was sent to our parents who kicked him out.
My younger sister and her husband offered to take him in but my brother left not even a week later because our BIL was being a jerk to him about the film. Now no one knows where he is and everyone’s angry. I only know he’s alive because he’s texted me a few times.
Mom calls the whole family over almost every day to play the blame game and yesterday it was my turn and she was basically saying that as the oldest I didn’t do my job and led him astray because I failed as a sister or some nonsense.
I got so angry I told her to shut up and that this was her fault more than it was mine. Doesn’t sound like a huge deal but it’s super disrespectful in our family so everyone was upset with me for yelling at Mom and breaking her heart even more after what my brother did.
I told them to stop acting like victims and that they’d better pray he decides to see any of us again and left.
I feel better but the entire family is angry at me. Especially now that my brother isn’t around to take their anger.
I wish I could run away too but unfortunately, I have responsibilities tying me here so I’m wondering if I’m the jerk and if I should apologize… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That hyper-conservative self-righteous religious nonsense is, quite frankly, exhausting. It was never appropriate, and it becomes even less so as time goes on.
Your parents chose their mythological deity and his poorly interpreted book over their own son. Far as I’m concerned that’s unforgivable. And of course playing the victim when they cross the line and get called out for it is 100% on-brand. You did the right thing by refusing to enable her deflection, and as far as the rest of the family goes, now is the time you say “I don’t want to talk about this again”, and the second they try to bring it up, you walk out.” Saberune
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are not responsible for the actions/behaviors of other grown adults, regardless of your relationship with them. Your mother doesn’t seem to have a good hold of reality: your parents chose to kick your brother out and they blame you for the situation?
Sounds like your mother doesn’t know how to accept responsibility for her poor choices, and is looking for a replacement scapegoat. I also grew up in a religious household where “honor your father and mother” was taught regularly, but “honor” was meant more as blind obedience than anything else.
This let my parents easily maintain control of their children’s behavior as questioning their judgment was considered sin. This type of family dynamics allows OP’s parents, and in particular OP’s mother, to easily manipulate and control the family. OP, please please please don’t apologize for what you said.
Any sensible person in your shoes would act the same, and your disgruntled family members are too connected with your mother to recognize her gaslighting ways. Even if your delivery was considered rude, it doesn’t change the fact that you spoke the truth. Everyone else seems upset because you’ve got enough spine to stand up to your parents.
I hope you soon resolve your local responsibilities and go low or even no contact with your mother. She loves her religion more than her children.” Adjiduamo
Another User Comments:
“You are in a horrid situation and at the worst part of it. No, you aren’t the jerk.
Your brother has been hinting at who he is for years and your parents have decided to ignore the hints, so he had to make an announcement somehow and this is what he has done. Now your deeply conservative parents are looking at a reality they don’t want and are blamestorming, trying to find a scapegoat when there isn’t one.
Emotions are high and people are upset, it’s more than likely that there will be more arguments before people come to terms with this new reality that they didn’t want. All you can do is keep going, keep as calm as you can, and try to be there for the people trying to navigate their new situations.
Your brother has known his truth for a long time but that’s not going to make the fact that other people now know too any easier. This bit is all new for him too. NTJ.” Only_Fig4582
5. AITJ For Wanting To Start Our Own Christmas Traditions At Home?
“Every year, my wife and I have alternated who we go to for Christmas, from my parents to hers. This has always been ok, everyone lives close so no more than a 30-minute drive.
We now have a 2 1/2 year old and I would like to have Christmas at our house this year.
For the last two years, we have taken the boy to her parents and then mine. So they both had him at least once for Christmas.
My wife has decided she would like Christmas at her parents’ this year as they would very much like to see him on Christmas Day.
Last year we agreed that would be our last and this year we would have Christmas at ours, just us.
I really want to do our own thing and make our own traditions but my wife isn’t into that at all. In her view, we ought to see parents as they won’t be around forever (they all range from early to late 70s).
In my view, in this day and age, people live longer and who knows, they may all live another 10 years. At which point my boy will have never had Christmas at ours and will always be dragged away.
She gets a bit emotional about this and gives me the silent treatment when I say we’re having Christmas at home.
It’s awkward and I just need to know whether I am actually being the jerk.
Oh, finally, I have said I am happy to have people here Christmas Eve all day to do presents, etc. That was received with a mild response so maybe that’ll happen.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Both of you have valid points. I agree with you. But I understand where she is coming from. Take Christmas out of the equation. It seems to affect us more emotionally because of “tradition” more than any other familial event.
Surely you have disagreed with your wife before? How do you usually handle disagreements? Hopefully you compromise. Between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, there is lots of time for lots of tradition. Why can’t you have an immediate family – you, wife, child – tradition and a wider family tradition?
Especially because no travel is involved. See one side of the family on Christmas Eve. Spend Christmas morning at home opening presents and a special breakfast. Then see the other side in the afternoon? Or some other plan. Seeing your family or your wife’s is important.
Spending 10 hours on Christmas Day with them isn’t necessary. Break it up so there is time for everything.” introspectiveliar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We were expected to do this for over 25 years because we had no living children. Finally, when we bought our home 13 years ago, I put my foot down, no more traveling for every holiday (my family was 3 hrs away).
Here’s the thing, the road travels both ways. We wanted our own traditions, even if the traditions included doing nothing but chilling. We don’t regret it. Your son is now 2.5 and is fast getting to the age where memories will form, he deserves to experience all the magic of Santa (if you partake in that) and all the good feelings that come from being in his home, not being dragged from one relative’s home to another.
Despite what people think, there is no real enjoyment in that. Kids get excited and want to explore and play with their new things, watch their favorite movies, much on their favorite treats. No, Dad you are NTJ here. There is plenty of time in the Christmas Season to go visiting family and friends.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I understand wanting to be with family and how some parents/grandparents INSIST the holidays WILL BE AT THEIR home. I do not agree. My husband is one of 4 siblings. For over 17 years, every single year they were driving to some grandparents’ home for Christmas (both sides lived about 4-5 hours away) because their mom insisted “Christmas should be with family” (like hello?
What are your children?). All 4 siblings said it took so much fun out of the holiday because they were expected to pack up, drive to where most of the cousins, relatives, lived, and then sit and watch as the cousins (who lived in that area) had time to play with their gifts, games, toys.
They did get a little something from the grandparents but it wasn’t the same. Meanwhile, these 4 kids got to open 1 gift each before leaving home. These 4 would open the rest of their gifts from Santa when they got back home, days after Christmas. Husband’s parents never offered to host Christmas or holidays because 98% of the family lived in that one area and everyone would have to travel.
By the time they got back home from the trip, it was about time to take all the decorations and tree back down and go back to school, which was frigging sad IMO. I say figure something out to see the family but DO start a solid Christmas/holiday tradition with your son for now.
then when he becomes an adult, PLEASE LET HIM DO WHAT HE WANTS TO START HIS OWN TRADITIONS.” NCKALA
4. AITJ For Informing A Young Man Of His Rights And Letting Him Leave Before The Police Arrived?
“I’m in the UK, and we have what is called ‘community support officers’ – AKA ‘plastic bobbies’. Basically, they look a bit like uniformed police at a glance, they act a bit like real police officers, but they have very little actual power or authority.
Don’t have handcuffs, or a baton, no powers of arrest, pretty much glorified security. If they see a crime all they can really do is alert the real police. They act as a deterrent I guess, and save money on real police walking around.
So, as I’m walking through a local estate, I see the local community officer standing with a young lad I recognize as local, who looks pretty nervous.
I walk over and ask what’s up. The officer informs me they’re waiting for the police to arrive as he suspects the lad may have some contraband on him so they’ll be doing a search. I ask him if he’s told this lad he has to stay here and wait for them, to which he says yes I’ve told him he has to wait until the police arrive to conduct a search.
So I tell him well you can’t hold him here, you know you can’t. I turn to the lad and tell him as much, to just leave, now, he can’t hold you here, so jog on. He looks a bit unsure, asks if I’m being serious so I say yea, go, quickly now, he’s not allowed to hold you here but the police will so leave before they get here.
So he does.
The community officer and I then have a chat, all friendly, I actually chat with him quite often so we know each other, I’ve got respect for what they and the police need to do, but I felt like he was keeping the boy there under false pretenses and that’s just not on.
He tells me I shouldn’t have told him he could go, I tell him he shouldn’t have not told him. So, given the situation, AITJ for letting the lad know his rights, and that he was free to go?”
Another User Comments:
“I was a copper.
I used to inform people of their rights too which got me into a lot of trouble. I would regularly NFA something if I felt the person was misinformed or was arrested without given the correct information. I now advocate for people’s rights, especially under the HRA 1998.
Definitely not the jerk!” Frosty_Growth_4845
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, the mere fact that PCSO did not inform the kid of his rights is underhand. Nothing you said was untrue. Everything you said the young lad had a right to know. Citizens have rights, you will never be a jerk for informing someone of their rights.
I am not here to bash PCSOs. I feel, to a certain extent, in the absence of sufficient police officers, they have a role to fulfill. The PCSO was doing their job. I don’t however like the implication that they have statutory powers. They absolutely don’t and should not be communicating as if they do.
Also, I would love to hear how the PCSO justified his stop.” Heavy-Ad-3467
Another User Comments:
“I love the term “plastic bobbies” so much! We have a similar thing where I live, and most of them are really great – just civic-minded people helping out in the community.
But occasionally we will get one who thinks that they are a real cop, and it’s almost comical when they flash their badge and try to intimidate people. Everyone in our area has a nickname for the most egregious offender: Rob, the short narc. He’s absolutely convinced that everyone with a zipped-up jacket or a closed backpack is carrying massive amounts of illegal substances, so he’ll just go up to random people on the street and start harassing them…he uses the word “contraband” two or three times in every sentence.
No one really takes him seriously.” ElGato6666
3. AITJ For Confronting My Absentee Father About His Lack Of Support?
“I (17f) have had a rocky relationship with my dad. My parents married after I was born, hoping to provide a stable family for me, but they divorced when I was 11 after my dad went to rehab, and things only worsened from there. During rehab, he met his current fiancée, and they later had a kid (6F).
Since then, my dad has been mostly absent from my life—whenever I have important events, he either has an excuse or doesn’t show. I’d estimate he’s been present for less than half of my events since their divorce.
A few years ago, I was diagnosed with scoliosis, and initially, surgery wasn’t needed. However, my condition got worse, and I was finally scheduled for surgery on 11/20 of this year.
I told my dad about it months ago, expressing how much I needed his support this time, and he promised he’d be there. But later, he texted to say he’d planned a vacation that would keep him away until mid-December, just as my recovery period would be ending.
It broke my heart, but I accepted it.
Then, 2 hurricanes hit his vacation spot, and he told me he’d make my surgery. I felt a glimmer of hope. But then, just a week before my surgery, he texted again saying his fiancée’s lung cancer surgery had been scheduled for the same day, a few hours before mine, at a hospital 30 minutes away.
He said he “might not” make it to my surgery, but with him, “might not” usually means “won’t.” He added that this wasn’t about who he loved more. That message shattered me. I realized that no matter how much I hoped, he might never give me the attention and support I needed. I broke down on my kitchen floor that day.
After sitting with my feelings, I texted him to tell him how deeply his actions hurt me. I said it wasn’t only about love but about showing care, and that he’d given me hope only to let me down again. I questioned if his fiancée’s surgery had really been scheduled last minute, or if he had known earlier but hadn’t told me.
I asked him to show he was my dad through his actions, not just his words. He responded, insisting the surgery was only scheduled the day he’d told me. But because he’s lied in the past to save face, I reached out to someone who might know the truth.
I then sent a follow-up message, clarifying that my frustration wasn’t with his fiancée; it was with his ongoing absence and lack of support. I said that even if his reasons were genuine, he could have at least shown some empathy. I told him I hoped he’d be a better father for my half-sister than he has been for me.
In a final message, I made it clear that I was done putting in all the effort to maintain our relationship on my own. I told him that if he wanted to be my dad, I would gladly be his daughter, but if he chose not to, I would be fine with that too.
He hasn’t responded, and honestly, I’d prefer he sit with what I’ve said. For once, I hope he really thinks about his actions and the impact they’ve had on me.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Girl, your father hasn’t shown up for you your entire life, what makes you think he is going to do it now, and furthermore, why do you allow him to have that power over you?
He is not your ‘father’ he is the male who impregnated your mother. Stop elevating him to father status. This man is going to support the person who he is making his life with, not the child he walked away from years ago. He doesn’t prioritize you, and he never will – no matter what words he uses or promises he makes.
Good luck with your surgery and focus on your recovery.” Chilling_Storm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Part of growing up is learning to accept people for who they are. When we feel upset or hurt by someone, it’s often because they’re acting in ways that don’t align with how we think they should behave.
People will always be who they are, not who we imagine or need them to be. When we go down the path of expecting someone to fulfill our idealized version of them, we end up making it about ourselves. Your father will never be the supportive figure you’re hoping for.
Full stop. Accept that and move on. It’s painful, but holding onto anger because he can’t be what you need will only hurt you in the end. This is a tough life lesson that takes many people a long time to understand and accept.
I had to do this with both of my parents. The moment I realized I was the one continually chasing my expectations of who I wanted them to be, I let go. Life became infinitely better. Good luck with your surgery. You will ace this one.” banjadev
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for how you feel about your dad’s consistent absence from your life. However. When looking solely at the choice between the two surgeries. In a vacuum. All else in life being hunky dory. I know it’s hard to hear but I do believe he made the right call.
You are 17 so I am going to be very adult about this with you. It’s entirely possible he is her medical decision-maker, which would mean he HAS to be there at least until she is out of anesthesia. In the worst-case scenario, these decisions will include whether to allow her life to end.
Which, let’s be honest, they’re operating on her lung so that’s a very real concern. Because you are a minor, your mom will be on site for those kinds of decisions about your surgery. Again. I don’t blame you for feeling how you do about the entire history.
But on this specific decision, standing all on its own, I don’t really think he has a choice.” Independent_Prior612
2. AITJ For Refusing To Wear A Sleep Eye Mask While My Partner Games At Night?
“My partner is a night owl and easily stays up until 4 am. I’m a morning person and usually fall asleep around 10 pm and get up early. It’s never been a problem before because I would just retreat to our bedroom and leave him to do his thing in the living room.
We recently moved in with his sister and my partner now refuses to use the TV in the living room for his late-night gaming and insists on using the TV in our bedroom. He wears headphones but the bright screen makes it incredibly hard for me to sleep.
He thinks I should just get a sleep eye mask and get over it. AITJ for thinking that’s ridiculous and refusing. I think he should just use the TV downstairs in the living room. I think the quality of my sleep should be important to him.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let’s be honest, it’s not just the light. There are clicky button noises, sudden jerky moments, gasps, and grunts. If you were a heavy sleeper and offered, maybe. But few people are going to be able to sleep through that. It is troubling that he considers a problem he is causing (and is actively hurting you with), yours to solve.
He can play elsewhere in the house, you can’t sleep elsewhere, so he needs to be the one to bend here. I suspect a lot of this might be because he knows his hours gaming would look bad to his sister. But he’d rather you didn’t sleep than have to compromise his gaming,” dramallamamil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’ve opened up to him and told him that you literally can’t sleep and he won’t compromise, your partner is lame for that. The fact he even suggested a “sleep mask” instead of just saying “sure my love” or even trying to compromise on a time is just ridiculous.
And why won’t he move downstairs? Is there an actual reason? Because I wonder if he won’t move to that TV because he doesn’t want to disturb the other people in the house. And if that’s the case, run. Sounds to me like you need to tell your partner to grow up.
No one and I mean NO ONE should ever have to alter their life just so some dweeb of person can play a video game.” Efficient-Magician61
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Why doesn’t he use the living room TV? I feel like this is the most important bit of this, as you say he’s up as late as he is due to taking evening time shifts.
On one hand, I think that asking him to not engage in his favored hobby during a 6-hour window is kinda crummy, but if the living room TV is fair game I don’t see the issue? If it is an issue, then the two of you need to find a new place because it’s incompatible with your schedules.
It’d be like if you had a hobby that you could only enjoy in the bedroom, that you’d have to avoid for several hours every day.” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Childproofing My House For My In-Laws' Visit With Their Toddler?
“I am 26F and my husband is 29M. We have been married for 5 years and we moved to Berlin right after marriage since we both found really well-paying jobs.
Meanwhile, both of our families (parents, siblings, etc) still live back in Greece and we usually visit occasionally.
Now, my husband and I don’t have any children and we don’t plan to have any. We enjoy buying expensive things and experiencing things we never got to as children such as nice furniture in our home, going to exotic restaurants with friends, travel, hobbies, and generally just living our lives with each other exactly the way it is.
But that’s just how my husband thinks. His family is very traditional and every married couple has at least one kid.
This time my husband invited my BIL and SIL to visit us with their 3-year-old son for 2 weeks. This would be the first time they’ve traveled with their son and the first time we would be hosting our nephew at our home.
Now, our nephew is known to be going through the terrible twos and has been throwing tantrums and breaking things lately so I did some childproofing in our home a day before my in-laws were due to arrive. I removed all the glass and ceramic decor.
I swapped out our linen tablecloth for a plastic one. I locked up our intoxication devices. I also covered our sofas with a plushy fabric cover (our sofa fabric is white cashmere) because my nephew likes to snack while watching TV and we can always take it outside and dust off food crumbs.
I also changed my maid’s schedule to come in 5 days a week instead of 3 so she can help prep breakfast and make sure the house is tidy.
However, when my husband saw all of my changes he kind of got upset. He told me he felt that I was preparing our house as if we were hosting messy and uncivilized people.
And asked me why I don’t make these changes when our friends in Berlin who have kids come over for dinner. He also said that he’s never seen our friends make these sorts of changes in their own homes for their kids.
I don’t understand this comparison at all.
Coming over for dinner for 3 hours and staying at a place for a couple of weeks is very different. And we’ve visited our in-laws enough to see how chaotic their home can get to the point where my BIL and SIL keep mostly plastic items in their homes for convenience.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like you are taking steps to make your in-laws feel more comfortable and less stressed about their toddler’s behavior in your home. You have protected your belongings to some extent and if Toddler spills something, no one will have to be stressed or worried about it.
Some people child-proof everything in their homes; others don’t do it at all. I think it depends a lot on the child in question. My sister’s eldest obeyed implicitly when he was young, to stay out of things he wasn’t supposed to touch and they never had to childproof anything.
His younger brother, however, would immediately get into whatever they told him not to touch. He would stick his fingers into light sockets, spill his food all over the table and himself, run into things and knock furniture over, and he was a delightful child in spite of this, but they did have to childproof their house after he came along.
I don’t get why your husband is upset you did this. You are right that a few hours of tightly controlled parental supervision is a different thing than a two-week visit. Your in-laws and also your nephew will probably enjoy the visit so much more because they won’t be worried about breaking things or spills on the couch.
Hopefully, they will keep their child occupied and safe during the visit, but you have made it much easier for them to do so. Your husband is wrong to assume that because some people don’t childproof their homes, that no one should have to do so.
Again, it depends on the personality and activity level of the child or children in question, and it isn’t a philosophy of parenting thing so much as it is a stress and worry-reducing thing. Keep your home childproofed for the visit, it’s by far the easiest way to have a pleasant time with the in-laws.” LonelyOwl68
Another User Comments:
“You are not the jerk. You literally are preparing for hosting messy, and uncivilized people. Toddlers are messy and uncivilized by definition, and he should not be offended by the implication. He needs to grow up and understand that what you did was very considerate.
Most parents would be thrilled that you put so much effort into adjusting your home to make sure that their children are safe and comfortable. What did he even expect you to? Leave the bleach out on the table? Hand the kids a vase to play with?
What precisely is he suggesting that you do differently? Because if he has some good ideas, he can put in the effort himself. I think you should show him this comment. Sir, your wife is a saint. Stop complaining that she makes your home so comfortable for your family.” FindAriadne
Another User Comments:
“You. Are. An. Angel. Hosting 2 adults and a toddler in your child-free home for a couple of weeks is amazing in itself. Making them feel welcome to the point that you rearrange your environment for them is extremely kind. Your husband is being a bit of a jerk about it but is likely just unaware of the chaos a toddler brings.
Your work is done now. So you should sit back and let your husband manage the tiny terror. I’d pay to watch the little one eating Cheetos on your white cashmere lounge while your husband loses his mind. Have a lovely visit with your in-laws and rest assured you are anything but the jerk!” Silent_Meet_4732
