People Seek Compassion For What They've Done In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Telling My Brother's Partner Not To Be Cheap When It Comes To Christmas Dinner?
“I (47M) spend Christmas with my parents. My dad passed away earlier this year, so my brother (40M) and his SO (32F, I’ll refer to her as Eve) have said they will cook for Christmas, Eve is the cook. It’s their first Christmas with their infant son, so they are very excited about it.
When I was visiting my brother and Eve, they were talking excitedly about Christmas. This will be the first time Eve has cooked Christmas, and the first time she has ever cooked a turkey. Brother said they had already bought the turkey.
I frowned as we always had a fresh turkey from the local butcher’s, never a frozen turkey. Eve said that she had gotten a frozen turkey crown as it was cheaper and that they didn’t need a large turkey with legs.
She started talking through her plan, saying she had already bought turkey gravy mix as she didn’t want to cook gravy from scratch, using tinned potatoes to make the roast potatoes, and had already made stuffing balls and they are in the freezer.
I know that she is struggling for money at the moment as she is on maternity leave and is not returning to her job as my nephew has additional needs. I was appalled when she said that she was going to cook Christmas dinner at their house the day before and then bring it to mum’s to heat up.
Mum is unable to do stairs, so we have to go to her. Eve tried explaining that due to the cost of living going up, she didn’t want mum to have the additional cost of cooking a Christmas dinner. They are having their own meal on the 24th, so Eve is cooking two dinners at once.
I snapped at Eve. I told her that I know she was being frugal by not going back to work, but that Christmas dinner wasn’t the meal for her to be cheap on. Especially mum’s first Christmas after her husband died. I told Eve that if she wasn’t prepared to make a fresh meal that wasn’t full of frozen food that’s god knows how old, then she shouldn’t have offered to cook Christmas.
Eve then left the room with my nephew, saying she needed to feed him.
My brother got annoyed with me, telling me that I was being rude. He said that he was the one paying for the Christmas meal. They had bought the turkey before dad died and had only gotten one big enough to feed them with leftovers.
He had been the one that suggested including mum and me for Christmas to Eve. Eve had been making things like stuffing balls and her homemade pigs in blankets in advance and using tinned potatoes was to make her life easier.
He argued that Eve is the primary caretaker for my nephew so she takes shortcuts when she is home alone with my nephew so she could focus on him.
Mum has called me and had a go at me for making Eve cry, especially when I know that she’s stressed from looking after my nephew.
Apparently, she had taken my nephew to go and cry upstairs, but I had no idea. I do feel bad that she got upset but at the same time, I don’t think Christmas is the one meal to be cheap on.
Am I the jerk?
Edit: I have always and will be supplying the dessert and making a dairy-free one for Eve. Me making the dessert was the agreement I had with my parents.
They aren’t actually struggling. They can and do live comfortably on my brother’s wage.
We work in the same field and are paid well. They choose to live well below their means.”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. Looks like on top of being a new mom with a child that has extra needs, she graciously offered to help shoulder the responsibility of your mother.
Sounds like she’s planning the best she can, by slowly buying ingredients to help fit into their struggling budget. You should have been courteous. And if you are that worried about it, you could have talked to your brother privately and offered some financial help or offered to help cook more than just a couple of desserts.” sylssw
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It sounds like you don’t realize the amount of work that goes into a large family meal. Eve is doing a nice thing for your mom and you proceeded to complain about the free meal you will be served.
If you wanted to help then you would both finance and cook the dinner to your liking. Or don’t attend.
By the way, Christmas dinner doesn’t have to be a large expensive meal. Some of our best family Christmas meals have been chili, breakfast foods, and just appetizers – three separate events.
Just appetizers were probably my personal favorite. Just a bunch of Costco appetizers from the deli and frozen sections placed on platters.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
If you want an expensive dinner cook it yourself. There is 100% nothing wrong with frozen turkey, tinned potatoes, and gravy packet mixes.
Are they the best? Maybe not, but they can be elevated and cooked deliciously. You just upset a woman who just had a baby and is trying to do a nice thing for the family, while missing half their usual budget, and learning how to care for a newborn.
Get over yourself and eat the tinned potatoes and tell her it’s the best ducking meal you’ve ever had. Also, do the dishes.” emotionallydented445
18. AITJ For How I Shut Down My Cousin's Wife?
“I (26F) don’t remember how exactly, but when I was in my early teens, I found a great way to shut down rude people.
I was overweight in a family of skinny people, so whenever we all met, at least a couple of people would tell me ‘oh, you put on some weight since we last saw you’.
One day I just started replying with ‘that’s rude, don’t you think?’
People got upset at first, but when my parents backed me up, they learned to leave me alone. Over the years I would reply with something along those lines whenever someone asks/says something they shouldn’t.
My cousin brought his wife to the family home (grandparents) for thanksgiving. This is the first time that we met (they live in another state, and met, and married during the global crisis).
We were talking around the table when it was brought up that I had changed jobs.
I left my father’s business for something that uses my degree. Everyone was congratulating me for finally having a foot in the door, and saying that I would have a great career.
Then my cousin’s wife, out of nowhere, says that I should have been more loyal to my father, that helping him is better and more fulfilling than chasing after a career in my field.
So I told her ‘thank you for the unsolicited opinion on my life’.
She got upset, and more so when no one rebuked me. Then she said ‘I was just trying to be helpful’, and I replied ‘and I was just trying to tell you that you were rude’.
She got more upset and left the room. But my cousin called me a petty jerk and said that I should know better than to be a jerk to someone who was just stating an opinion. I fired back ‘and I was also just stating an opinion, it’s not my fault she couldn’t handle it’.
Now that I had a couple of days to think back on it, I feel like a jerk for ruining thanksgiving and making everyone feel awkward. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, was it really just an unsolicited opinion?
Because her wording comes off like she’s trying to tell you what to do/shame you for your decision. And this was at your first meeting of her – does she lack tact? Sure seems like it. And her comment that she was ‘just trying to be helpful’ sounds like an attempt to save face.
I’m also bothered that instead of just apologizing, she got more upset and left the room for your cousin to deal with it. I don’t think you ruined thanksgiving, you’re not the one that said something so rude and thoughtless.” Stranger0nReddit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cousin’s wife was pretty bold in her assumptions, wasn’t she? She was rude and that was more than just an opinion, she openly judged and talked down to you at the family dinner table. She should have read the room, everyone was happy for you, yet she felt the need to rain on your parade.
She was the one being unnecessarily petty. You handled it like an absolute boss and with more restraint than many could manage.” thebabes2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You met her, mark for mark, and in the same manner and tone that she spoke to you.
You didn’t demean her or deride her or call her any names (unlike your cousin). She called you disloyal and devalued your life choices. You politely told her that you didn’t need or ask for her opinion.
Were you sarcastic?
Yes. Were you rude? Maaaaybe. Was she out of line and rude? Absolutely.
I think she is used to giving out her opinions and people just nodding and ‘uh-hum’-ing to her, so your backbone of verbatim really shocked her.” NotSoAverage_sister
17. AITJ For Forcing My Ex To Pay Up When He Skips Out On Parenting Duties?
“My ex fought very hard for our current parenting agreement but he never sticks to his days as his work schedule is long and at times unpredictable.
It was frustrating for me and it would hurt my son that he wouldn’t see his dad when he thought he was going to, so I threatened to drop our son off to my ex one day when he was having dinner with a client since it was his day.
Ever since my ex has offered me and our son bribes whenever he misses his day and is a lot better at making time up with our son.
He told my brother he couldn’t go on the boys’ trip their friends are planning because he was taking me and our son on a safari holiday to make up for missing his time with our son.
I don’t know what he said exactly but he explained that he bribes me whenever he misses his parenting time to keep the peace.
My brother confronted me about it and told me I was humiliating myself, him, and our family by acting like a beggar.
He said if I wanted to take my son on holiday, I should’ve asked him or our parents instead of emotionally blackmailing my ex into bribing me. He kept going on and on about how their business was important and that I should be more understanding of my ex sometimes having to miss time with my son as his hard work would only benefit my son in the long term.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Don’t call it a bribe. It’s a jerk tax. A dad who misses out on time with his child after fighting to get that time must pay a tax proportionate to his behavior.
He is being taxed for his actions.
Now, one smart thing to do with that tax would be to put it in a 529 plan so that your ex’s actions can fund his child’s education. But unless your brother is paying your bills and being a father to your son full-time, he can keep his nose out of your business.
Your ex told him whatever he told him so that your brother would put pressure on you to stop the taxation.
NTJ. Tell your ex that he either keeps paying his bad behavior tax, or the custody agreement gets amended and the child support goes up up up.” kevwelch
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
If you know he’s legitimately working, and the unpredictability of his job is normal, then as much as it sucks, what is best for your son is for you to be flexible. Blackmailing him so he can work and see his son is really trashy.
Your ex should be more considerate of your time/plans and let you know at least a week in advance if he needs to change the schedule.” Similar_Pineapple418
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Get your child into therapy to help him deal with his jerk father and tell your ex that he has to pay for the trauma he’s inflicting on his son by paying for that therapy.
Please don’t call it bribery. I would call it the jerk tax. I would also ask him why he fought so hard for custody and then doesn’t follow through. He’s showing his son very clearly that he’s not a priority and an unimportant afterthought.
Eventually, your ex is going to reap what he is currently sowing.
Document EVERYTHING your ex does or doesn’t do. Then in a year’s time file for a change in custody, so that you get sole physical and legal custody as well as an increase in child support, and he gets visitation at your convenience.
Make sure you have a good lawyer who can get you everything you want. If he gets upset, tell him this is what happens when he has chosen not to put his son first. He has very clearly shown that his son is at the bottom of his priority list. Pretty soon his son will grow up enough to decide to treat his father the same way his dad has treated him.
Like an unimportant, meaningless afterthought.
Also tell your brother to mind his own business, unless he wants to pay child support and alimony and be a full-time proper dad in your son’s life. He has absolutely zero say in anything.” Thisisnotalibrary97
16. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law To Stop Being Greedy?
“I (45F) have been married to my husband Karl (50M) for nearly 20 years. Karl isn’t the oldest child but the most responsible and he’s always looked after his mother and sister who has two children (now adults) when he was able to.
When we got married, his finances became less available to them and they’ve never gotten over getting less from Karl (i.e. he would buy school shoes for the children but not an entire wardrobe, and for her birthday his mom might get $50 instead of $200).
For the record, I never told Karl he should do less. However, we had plans to start a family and wanted to travel more often so he no longer had those extras to give.
My MIL (80F) in particular uses every opportunity to remind me and anyone other than Karl how much he used to do for her.
Most recently, she spoke to our son (14) and told him to tell his dad how much she misses the extra funds he sent her especially now that she’s old and might die soon. My son had the phone on speaker (she was aware because he was getting ready to leave) and I heard it all.
I told him to say goodbye to his grandma and tell her I’d call her back.
When he left, I called her and told her not to use our children for her greed and that if she wants anything from Karl she better ask him directly, not her grandson.
I reminded her that she gave Karl and me a crinkled-up $10 bill as a wedding gift and after all her son has done for her ungrateful butt, she shouldn’t expect anything else from him but love and affection. She started to cry (she should get an Oscar for the fake tears she’s managed to squeeze out through the years) and told me I’m a jerk for being mean to her.
I told her I was tired of her whining about money especially when she does not want for anything.
Karl thinks I was a bit harsh but he agrees with me. My MIL’s sister has been calling me telling me I am a jerk for yelling at her sister and calling her greedy.
Well, it doesn’t have to be nice to be the truth and she is greedy. AITJ for calling my MIL greedy and reminding her she gave us $10 as a wedding gift?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She’s being manipulative and greedy, and if she continues I would be prepared to blast her on social media for it.
The money your hubby used to spend supporting her lifestyle and the wadded-up 10-dollar ‘afterthought’ she gave him for a wedding gift in return.
Kudos to your husband for having your back even if he thought it was harsh. If you decide to blast her on social media and tell everybody in the family and social circles about it, make sure he’s on board before you pull the trigger and make it clear it’s just a response to her getting the rest of the fam to gang up on you.” a_man_in_black
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The truth hurts. Your MIL was using your husband as a bank machine, and she is upset that the bank machine is now only occasionally giving out small denominations. Your MIL was trying to emotionally manipulate your teenage son to get him to guilt your husband for funds.
Of course, your MIL would retaliate by getting her flying monkeys to do her bidding to covertly bully you into submission. After all, she needs someone to blame versus taking responsibility for her actions. I think it is time that the bank machine stops dispensing cash completely.” S************3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It was HUGELY inappropriate for dear old granny to even bring this up to your son!
Yeah, this woman is not about love and nurturing but truly sounds greedy and entitled. She mentioned she misses the MONEY, not her son or anything meaningful.
All you did is call her out on her greed. Unless she really NEEDS extra funds I would suggest hubby stop helping mom full stop and only give her money or gifts on bday, Christmas, and Mother’s Day. Everything else full stop – she doesn’t appreciate anything he’s done for her and only comments on what he’s NOT doing now.
Remind her that out of all her children, he is the ONLY one who did and does things for her – but since it’s not appreciated then it’s going to stop! Obviously, you can only do this if your husband is on board with this as well – but you guys need to agree on something to do about her and her behavior.
Good luck!” 1moreKnife2theheart
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Dad Take My Medication?
“I have severe endometriosis and get severe abdominal pain that impacts the quality of my life. Getting a diagnosis was a long and difficult process, and even then, I was met with a lot of resistance when it came to o****d prescriptions.
It took me over a month to convince my doctor to finally prescribe me something stronger.
My dad doesn’t believe in doctors and frankly doesn’t understand much about medicine or medication. He once fell for a pill that supposedly ‘cures’ sickness.
He also takes Xanax to sleep and has given me it when I was younger for the same purpose.
Ever since I got my prescription, he has been asking me if he could take my o****ds for his headaches.
I told him no, and suggested taking a combination of different pills which worked for me. I also suggested he drink a different over-the-counter medication which my friend who suffers from migraines was prescribed. He called me ‘stingy’ and ‘childish’ but left it alone for a while.
Just now, he complained he had a headache and drank my medication without my permission, and argued that I was being a jerk. I conceded and said it was okay for him to drink it once, but I would not approve of him drinking my medication on a regular basis because dependency and substance abuse is not a joke.
He disagreed and basically said that I was gatekeeping my pills out of a sense of superiority.
For context, he has been an on-and-off heavy drinker since I was a baby. He goes for long periods of not drinking (such as now) but flies off the rails every now and then where he drinks himself to the point of poisoning.
I don’t want him to be in pain, however, o****ds are not over-the-counter medication and considering his history of substance abuse, should probably not be mixed. My mom also thinks I’m being dramatic and completely unnecessary so, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘I was gatekeeping my pills out of a sense of superiority’ THAT is an addict trying to gaslight you out of your meds.
Your Dad is putting you ALL in an unhealthy position. O*****s are incredibly easy to become addicted to, and he’s got the ‘addiction’ wiring.
YOU can’t just run into the pharmacy and get more if he uses all yours up. Those meds are strictly monitored and you’d be stuck waiting until next month. The explanation of ‘my Dad wanted it so I let him have some’ may not warrant the cops being involved but that could jeopardize your being able to get these meds again if the pharmacy/your doctor thinks you’re ‘sharing/selling’ o*****s.
Hide/lock up any & all meds short of Tylenol. I was going to say to just do this when you know he’s coming over – but sounds like he’d have no problem getting into your home and taking them whenever he feels like it.” CarrieCat62
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I believe it is illegal to use someone else’s prescription, especially without their permission.
Your prescription was given to you for a specific purpose and in a specific dosage. Even without your father breaking the law by taking your prescription, he is harming you by depriving you of the medication you need. His calling you stingy and gatekeeping and whatnot are him gaslighting you.
Heavy drinkers are very good at manipulating people to get what they want.
Find a way to keep the medication away from your father or he will be replacing booze with another addiction.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ.
He’s wrong on a lot of levels. It is not safe to take prescription medication that is not yours. It is not safe to take o*****s when drinking. It is certainly not safe to take O*****S for a standard headache.
I think you know this already, but it sounds like he has issues with substance abuse and needs help that he’s not getting. It’s extremely difficult being in this situation, especially with a mother who is enabling him. I am certainly not qualified to give advice on how to handle the situation except to encourage you to continue trying to keep your medication away from him.” Shmir8097
14. AITJ For Arguing With My Best Friend On Her Honeymoon?
“So I (26f) was in my ‘best friend’s’ wedding as the maid of honor. We’ll call her Jazmine. I was shocked because her other two best friends work in wedding/event planning industries and still live in our home state.
I figured she would ask one or both of them to be her moh. Even though I recently moved away I obliged. Jaz called soon after she asked me to be her maid of honor and decided that even though I was who she chose she wanted ‘all of us to be her maid of honor.’ She described it as you will stand next to me at the altar and give a speech but I want everyone involved in the maid of honor duties.
I was confused but hey… Not worth arguing over it’s her wedding. She proceeded to put us in a group chat and had her friends micro-manage all of my decisions as the maid of honor. Again, weird but not worth the dispute, in my opinion.
The bachelorette weekend sucked. They constantly were doing things without me. Left me and one of our close friends at the hotel on the way to one of our outings. And were just mean insecure girls in general but I held my tongue for Jaz!
During the wedding weekend at the bridal shower, some of Jazmine’s new friends I hadn’t met were there, and the way they were staring…You know when someone has ‘heard’ about you already and you can tell when you meet them for the first time?
I was a bit overdressed in comparison to them so I thought maybe that was why.
Fast forward to the rehearsal dinner… the best man was flirting so hard! It won’t come as a surprise that I was shocked to find out he had a wife and a newborn baby in the same vicinity while he was flirting with me and another girl.
I told Jaz, and she along with her friend…we’ll call Nancy… didn’t believe me! The same night the other girl he was flirting with said the same thing about the best man and they believed her!
Later we went to a bar and one of Jazmine’s cute cousins was there.
He and I hit it off and he asked me to be his date to the wedding. I was super excited. The next day at the wedding he wouldn’t even look at me. I went up to him and asked if everything was ok.
He told me, Jazmine, Nancy, and some of the other girls went up to him at the bar and told him not to talk to me. He said I might want to check my ‘friends’ because they didn’t have one nice thing to say about me.
Jaz’s bday happened during her honeymoon. I didn’t reach out so the next day she asked me if everything was ok between us. I told her I didn’t appreciate how I was treated after spending so much time, money, and effort on her big day.
I went above and beyond for her and her wedding because I thought it was my duty as her friend and her maid of honor. She went above and beyond to slander my name and make me feel like an outsider.
I’m hurt and confused because why would you ask someone you don’t even like to be in your wedding let alone your moh?! Jazmine’s husband called me and told me I ruined their honeymoon because I told her the truth.
I don’t think I did anything wrong. So I have to ask. AITJ?!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Jaz needs to learn that you don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Talking about people and smearing them behind their backs and then acting surprised when they 1-find out and 2-don’t appreciate it is pretty foolish.
Why was she reaching out to you on her honeymoon? I’ve had two and on both occasions, we shut the whole world out with tremendous glee at being entirely alone. Of course, that was before social media.
Jaz should probably also keep in mind that if her new friends are talking about other people the way they did you, they will do the same to her one of these days if they’re not already.
Hard lesson to learn sometimes.” Clean-Champion-5257
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To me, it sounds like you had only recently moved away. She asked you to be her maid of honor and then told her other friends about it. They already had a preexisting issue with you so they convinced her you would be a bad maid of honor (or just talked trash about you and she felt embarrassed about her choice) so she changed her tune and requested a maid of honor trio situation.
As the wedding got closer, it sounds like they all bonded over trash-talking you, made easier by the fact that they all lived in the same area and you were only coming for wedding events. You weren’t around so she got closer to them and the mean girl-ing, clique-forming, outsider-bashing got stronger.
It’s a very high school way to behave and shows that your ‘friend’ was never very loyal and too easily swayed into being a jerk.
That would be my guess based on everything you stated. She knew she was wrong, that’s why she asked if everything was ok with y’all.
She already knew it wasn’t.
ETA: I think there’s also the ‘cool girl’ dynamic at play here. Some girls really pride themselves on being ‘laid back’ about makeup and fashion and they bash any girl who puts effort into those things.
It’s gross and usually comes from a place of internalized misogyny.” falconprincess
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jaz is a mean girl and all her other friends are mean girls. She’s an adult who can decide whom she wants to be friends with and then made a stupid decision to include you in her big day when she clearly doesn’t like you.
If you talk about somebody behind their back, own it to their face. She’s mad because she got called on her crap. If there was no truth in it, she’d just move on and not let it ruin her honeymoon.
Mean people LOVE to keep girls they deem ‘inferior’ around to boost their self-esteem.” Apprehensive-Soup-91
13. AITJ For Moving Out Of My Parents' Home?
“I (19m) decided to live with a friend in an apartment that’s only a 20-minute walk from where we both work. My friend and others have been begging me to move out since I was 16. It’s a pretty uncommon thing to do here.
I live in the south where the majority of people live with their parents until they get married. I never wanted to do that. In fact, I was planning on getting an apartment over the summer but finally caved because my friend was telling me to move in with her in January.
I brought the idea up to my parents in October, and they started picking it apart and asking what I would do with all the extra expenses I would have to pay.
I explained to them that living here was more expensive than living with my friend.
They called me ungrateful and said that it’s a privilege for me to live with them and to get groceries and my phone bill paid for by them.
I then said that the rent ($700) is me basically paying for all those things myself but regardless I was very grateful for the life they’ve given me.
I would not want to get kicked out for wanting to leave. I still want a decent relationship with my parents. I was simply punished for giving an attitude which I didn’t understand but it’s fine.
My parents have now been making snide remarks about my friend and the place we’re planning on staying at (my friend is great and so is the place).
Although I love my parents, I feel like a prisoner here. I have since I was younger, and when I wasn’t paying rent.
We have this system where one of us (out of four siblings) cleans the entire house for a week and then it’s the next sibling’s week.
If we miss something, we get another week, are punished, and pay our parents 20 dollars.
I work three jobs and have been cleaning the house for a month now because I miss something every time. I also pay for groceries sometimes when my parents don’t buy things for me (I have a very strict diet due to medical conditions).
I’m just really tired, but I don’t want to hurt my parents’ feelings.
I feel like a child asking advice on here, but a friend recommended I do it because I was so conflicted.
Edit: After work, my brother drove me to the bank, and I made an independent account.
I grabbed my ssn and birth certificate and now keep them in my room in a box. I didn’t tell my parents where I was moving to and don’t plan on being in contact with them for a lil while.
While I was in school when I was 18, I’m not attending college now. So the FAFSA and things like that aren’t a problem.
I make a lot of money for my age. Moving out won’t be much of a problem for me, but I’m still excited about the extra 400 dollars a month I’ll be getting from moving.
The punishments were usually a smack to the face, and physical punishments rarely escalated to any extreme, maybe three times a month if that, but I’m starting to realize that isn’t really normal either. (or it shouldn’t be normalized).
I’ve decided to stay with a totally different friend that has been asking me to stay with them and their family for forever. (free of charge woo!) Just until January when I move in with my roommate finally.
I quit my third job.
I don’t really need it now, so that’s a lot less stress that I have to think about.
My friends have been wanting the best for me for years. I can’t think of a time when my parents did that.
Also therapy. I need lots and lots of therapy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t see this clearly now, because you’re too close to the situation by living with them and you don’t have a better frame of reference to judge this, but your parents are treating you awfully.
You’ll realize this after you move out.
You definitely should move out asap. You’ll feel so free! You’ll get to be a grownup finally.
I seriously cannot get over how terrible your parents are. Please compare notes with your friends and other people because the way they’ve been mistreating you and taking advantage of you is not okay.
Their treatment of you is just appalling.” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents’ feelings are not your responsibility when you are maturing into an independent young adult. They supposedly make you pay rent so you will be responsible. It feels like they make your rent, and increase it when you do something ‘wrong’ in their eyes, as a way to try to financially hinder you from finding a way out.
Get out. And don’t go back. If they act hurt, think about the real reason why. Is it because their independent and very capable child has finally grown up and can fly, or is it because their maid and a major contributor to them financially is gone?
Good luck and I hope you enjoy being out on your own away from them and their control. Stay safe.” Simple_Permit3385
Another User Comments:
“Parents who are financially struggling and request adults in their house to contribute to expenses – fair and reasonable.
Raising the rent over the last year from 300 to 700 and making it a punishment would seem to me to be parents that wanted their child to move out.
The way they have set up the cleaning schedule is not optimal. It would make more sense, and be teaching more life skills to have each of you do 1/6 of the common areas (including your parents) and rotate which part so everyone is getting experience at cleaning everything.
In your own home, you would not clean the whole house for one week and then not do anything for 3 weeks, that’s silly. Each person is responsible for their own spaces and laundry.
I didn’t grow up in the south but I have friends who did and they were not expected to live at home.
Or if they were expected to stay home, they were not expected to pay rent. I did grow up in a Catholic home. I was welcome to stay past 18 and did not have to pay any rent as long as I was still in school.
Of course, there are many different ways a family can function, but your parents seem to me, to be going about this in a manipulative fashion. When you leave, make sure you have all your important papers: birth certificate, social security card, and passport.
Contact the 3 credit reporting agencies to lock down your credit. File your taxes early so they can’t claim you on their taxes. If you have been paying 700$ a month in rent, you are not their dependant. I hope they will still be willing to fill out the parent portion of the FAFSA, if you are currently a student and get financial aid.
NTJ.” Old-Mention9632
12. AITJ For Asking My Partner For Help With The Dishes?
“Tonight I made dinner for myself (f25) and my partner (30m). While I was putting it together I asked my partner to unload the dishwasher for me so I could do a load of dishes when we finished eating. He said no and continued to sit there while I prepared things.
This bothered me but we ate dinner and relaxed for a while until he asked about me making cookie skillets for us to which I responded, ‘you need to help to get fed’ because I didn’t feel like creating more dishes for someone who wasn’t going to help me with them later.
His rationale for not helping was that he’s a guest in my home so he doesn’t need to help cleaning and he thinks I’m a jerk for telling him I won’t make him a cookie skillet because he won’t help cleaning.
I cook this man dinner multiple times per week and have never once asked for help so this response has really put me off. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Serious red flags here. If he is refusing to help now, if you two end up getting married or living together down the road, he’s going to be just as bad or worse in this regard.
Most people go by the rule of one person cooks, and one cleans in these types of situations (it was what I ALWAYS did when being with someone and over at their place or vice versa), and the fact that he’s using the excuse of being a ‘guest’ is something that you shouldn’t be taking lightly.
Given the fact he asked you to make him more food is worrisome because it sounds like he’s already trying to groom you to be his cook and maid for the future. I would sit down with him and discuss this with him.
If it was me and I was your age, I would probably break up with him honestly. Life’s too short for someone who won’t help me out with a reasonable request.” LetBest8570
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Major red flag. First of all, guest or not guest it is polite to help, this is even worse if you are in a relationship with the person in question.
Secondly, his reasoning does not make sense, if his reason for not helping is because he is a guest and guests do not help, then as a guest he should not ask the host to go out of their way to make anything, just plain rude.
Seriously, this man sounds immature, is going to take advantage of you at any chance he gets, and if he is now like that think what he will be like if you become his wife/lifelong partner.” Whatever-and-breathe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ by the guest’s logic he should never show up empty-handed. I’m doubting he brings a gift over every time.
You may not live together, but you are partners. You aren’t his Mommy. I would stop cooking for him ever if that is how he is going to show his appreciation or lack thereof.
This issue needs to be addressed as soon as possible. He is acting very selfishly and should he continue to do so resentment will build. I always do the dishes if a friend has me over for dinner and I show up with wine or dessert.” Lalalabambi
11. AITJ For Not Going To My Sister's Bridal Shower?
“I (25F) have been married for 6 years to my wonderful husband (26M) who we can call ‘Carson’. For the past 3 years, we have been consistently trying for a child. We have been unable to get pregnant until 6 months ago. Around this time, my sister (32F), who we’ll call Mary, got engaged and asked me to be her maid of honor.
Of course, I was delighted and agreed. We started planning some wedding things like her bridal shower, which she wanted to hold on the morning of the baby shower my best friend was planning for me. (My sister is well aware of our troubles conceiving and knew that this baby shower was a big deal to me.) However, my best friend is extremely flexible, and I wanted my sister to be at the shower, so we moved the shower to the next day.
This past Saturday was supposed to be the wedding shower and Sunday was supposed to be my baby shower. Unfortunately, Carson and I suffered a stillbirth. Of course, I didn’t expect the whole family and bridal party to change their plans but I did cancel the baby shower and regretfully informed everyone about the stillbirth.
The last week I’ve been pretty upset and depressed, thus, I asked one of the bridesmaids to complete the finishing touches of the bridal shower. She agreed.
On Friday, I announced the stillbirth and the baby shower being canceled and I began to return gifts that quite a few people had already sent who wouldn’t be able to make it.
Mary called me after she heard about everything and asked that I didn’t return things so that she could have them for her new house as bonus gifts (including things with my son’s name on them.) I told her no and that I wouldn’t be attending her wedding shower and now my whole family is turning against me.
She said that I ruined her bridal shower and that I divided the family. I don’t think I am, but am I the jerk for not letting my sister have my baby’s things and not returning them? Am I the jerk for not going to my sister’s bridal shower since I am grieving and don’t need the judgment?
Note: I found out that I was pregnant before her engagement. The baby shower date had been set before the bridal shower date, we changed the baby shower date because I didn’t want to ask family and friends for gifts 2 times on the same day.
(Though I know they would have been happy to do so.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I am so sorry for your loss.
What on earth is going through Mary’s mind here? I can’t even fathom it. Those baby gifts are not hers.
They’re yours. It’s very polite of you to return them – I don’t think this was strictly necessary because the last concern anyone should have right now is whether they get a refund on their gift for a child who didn’t survive.
You’d be within your rights to put it all in a trunk for a future child or throw it on a bonfire if that’s how you feel. The important thing right now to anyone with a teaspoon of brain cells is supporting you and your husband as bereaved parents.
SCREW Mary’s bridal shower.” Sweeper1985
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why on earth should she get the gifts from YOUR canceled baby shower? I think that is a request in the poorest of tastes, at the very least. It could be construed as fraud with a meaner mindset.
As for not going to her bridal shower, well, I imagine that after having lost a baby you had been hoping for 6 years, you would be pretty distraught and not in a position to show up with a happy face.
Anyone with as much as an ounce of empathy would feel this way. You didn’t ruin anything. You suffered a terrible loss, and instead of sympathy and condolences, you are receiving flack. What a bunch of jerks they are. So sorry for your loss.” SnooSprouts6712
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I could understand that your sister would be displeased that you send a message to your family saying why you cancel the baby shower the day before her wedding shower, because who wants to have a party after hearing about your loss?
From a financial perspective, this can be problematic if she decided to cancel her party and there’s her fiance’s family in the middle who could make this a huge deal. But she still shouldn’t have said a thing, because this is one of the times that you can think something and never say it out loud to absolutely anyone.
She was purely a horrible human for the way she treated you, there’s no excuse for that. And I would say cut everyone out, but if I learned something here is that you need to first check if people know the true story first, and reading the way your sister behaved I would absolutely believe that she is saying some lies about you.
I’m so sorry for your and your husband’s loss. I’m not a religious person, but I believe that when we wish good for people they can receive it, I’m a stranger from the internet but I’m wishing just good things for you two and that you have each other to support and grieve and that one day the only thing that stays in your heart is the love for your child.” Individual_Noise_366
10. AITJ For Going To My Ex's Birthday Dinner?
“I have a 3-year-old daughter with my ex and I’m 7 months pregnant with our second child.
For his birthday, my ex’s family hosted a birthday dinner for him. His sister came to pick up my daughter but she wouldn’t go with her and wanted to stay home with me. I tried to encourage her to go but she didn’t want to unless I went too.
His sister asked me if I would come too because she thought it would be more important to my ex for our daughter to be there than for me not to be.
I agreed to go after she said my ex would assume I kept our daughter from the dinner which would only cause more issues between us which we definitely don’t need. His sister explained why I was there when we arrived and while he didn’t say anything to me directly, she told me he was okay with it.
His family was all happy to see me but my ex’s partner and her family weren’t. His partner confronted me after dinner and asked me why I was there. Even though I explained why she said I had ruined my ex’s birthday and that I had made it all about me and my pregnancy which made him uncomfortable and put him in an awkward position.
She kept telling me I shouldn’t have come and she implied I had come on purpose to ruin his birthday.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – sounds like the new girl would have preferred that you were the bad guy by you two staying home.
Something makes me feel like there was some infidelity involved in order for you to be 7 months pregnant with your ex’s baby, and for him to have a new possessive partner… if that’s the case, it’s better for you to have stayed home and been the bad guy than for you to be there and remind everyone that you are actually the victim…” elvaholt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You didn’t do what that person accused you of doing. You know that. Everyone else in attendance knows that.
You are not responsible for that person’s insecurities. She was out of line. She was rude. You were invited, be it last minute, by your child’s aunt.
Your decision to attend was for your child. The hosts of the event, your former SO’s family welcomed you. They understood why you were there.
Your former SO’s new partner is the jerk.
It is common to see the co-parent of the person that you are with.
Your child is three. She needed your reassurance and your presence.” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Too bad the ex and/or his sister didn’t explain the situation to the new girl.
Instead of explaining it yourself maybe you should have told the new SO to ask your ex’s sister why you were there just to cut back on the drama, but you did a really nice thing, don’t let the new SO get under your skin, maybe she’s insecure and it’s your ex who needs to reassure her.
Hopefully, it all got explained, ask your ex’s sister about it and make sure she explained it to the new SO so there’s no more trouble over this, and keep putting your daughter first, you sound like a good mom.” BadReputationIDC
9. AITJ For Not Wanting To Merge Finances With My Fiancée Anymore?
“I (39m) am engaged to Tina (32f). We work in different fields and I make about 15% more than her. When we were still going out, we got along so well that we knew we’d be spending the rest of our lives together.
We talked about it often and decided early on to combine our finances when we do get married. Then we got engaged and things fell apart when I discovered the details of her finances.
I’ve always lived a frugal life.
I wear ordinary clothes and drive ordinary cars. Tina has always dressed better and driven better cars. It’s been a running joke in our friend group that she’s marrying down. I’ve always laughed and didn’t mind, she looks amazing like she just stepped out off a magazine cover.
Now that we’re engaged, we went through our financials in detail. I don’t want to go into too much detail so I’ll be brief. The money that I don’t spend I invest. My assets and investments are roughly 20x of hers and she owes about $50,000 spread over several cards and $75,000 on her new electric car.
If she cashed out her investments and retirement, she still wouldn’t have enough to pay off her debt.
I was shocked into silence. I don’t make that much more than her so I always figured our asset levels are close.
I never imagined there would be such a wide gap and that doesn’t even include her debt.
After thinking about it for weeks, I finally told Tina the other day that I want to keep our finances separate until she pays off her debt.
I don’t want to say, ‘I do,’ and immediately take on $125,000 in debt. If I’m being honest, I’m also thinking about talking to an attorney about the pros and cons of a prenup. I didn’t tell her about the attorney part because she blew up at me for going back on our merging agreement.
She argued that we always talked about joining our lives and sharing everything and now I’m having doubts. I told her I had no doubts about spending the rest of my life with her, I just don’t want to take on so much debt.
AITJ for changing my mind?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. You have information now that you didn’t then and the decision to not combine finances immediately is not only a self-preservation process but also a decision that protects your mental and financial well-being and in turn the health of your future marriage.
I would absolutely recommend that you speak with an attorney. I would also recommend being totally transparent with her about it and maybe offering to help her with getting her finances under control and counseling her on debt management and living within her means.
She’s probably taking this as an attack. That’s the best intentions assumption. The worst case is that she was hoping to merge finances and debt burden and benefit from your fiscal responsibility to alleviate her debt. I wouldn’t suggest assuming that necessarily but I think your instincts are correct that you should proceed cautiously until she’s proven she can act responsibly with the money she expects to share (and spend) with you.” KGBree
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But this is so much bigger than what a prenup or splitting finances can fix. You two are highly incompatible and this relationship is on its way to ending. Having similar financial habits is fundamental to every relationship.
This is a deal breaker. You should have known this years ago.
Even if she sells the car, buckles down, and gets that debt taken care of, her behavior means you will always be carrying the financial burden. Even with separate finances, married couples function as financial units.
You will be footing the bill for major expenses and indirectly supporting her. Come retirement time, if your investments are significantly greater, you will just end up supporting her then too. Like it or not, marriage means your lifestyle and net wealth are forever tied to that other person, for better or worse.
Different jurisdictions have different laws (talk to the lawyer). But it is very difficult to isolate yourself from the other person’s bad financial habits. Plus, if one is a saver and has more, the other becomes dependent on them and your relationship takes on this weird power dynamic.” wirylime
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but ultimately you should cut your loss and move on. Marriage is a partnership where you don’t look adoringly at each other but look toward the same goal and it seems unlikely you guys can come to that agreement.
Current finance is just the beginning of the series of big talks you should be having before marriage. Have you discussed children, supporting your and her parents in old age, your own retirement plan and financial goal, and contingency for when you are sick/burned out and can’t work?
All of these are the bare minimum a married couple should agree on.
Even keeping finance separate won’t be the answer. What happened when she can’t pay the bill or her debt? Can you sit by and look at the woman you love stress out?
What kind of home life would that create?
Personally, I find her way of living reckless and unsustainable but this excessive spending on debt could also be a coping mechanism so I don’t want to judge. Your relationship doesn’t have a chance unless she’s willing to change and put real effort into sorting out her finances.
Or if you decided not to care about saving and contingencies let’s just spend. I doubt you are willing to do that.” SnooTomatoes2419
8. AITJ For Refusing To Eat In The Same Room As My In-Laws?
“I’ve been struggling my entire pregnancy to keep food down and I lost too much weight in the beginning. Things are getting better but everybody, especially my husband, is overly concerned about my eating habits now but it’s only making it harder for me to eat.
We live with my in-laws so I usually have breakfast and lunch with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I’ve stopped having meals with them, though, as they give my husband an update on how much I’ve eaten at each meal which usually leads to him telling me I need to eat more.
I asked them to stop but it didn’t help.
I’ve started lying and claiming I’m tired so they’ll send food up to my room instead. My husband asked me to stop doing this as his mother is upset that I’m avoiding them and they’re all worried about my health.
I’ve refused to so during the last few days he’s been having both meals with me in our room. We keep arguing over this and I know it’s a huge inconvenience for him to take time out of work to eat with me, so am I the jerk for continuing to refuse to eat my meals with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, during pregnancy, it’s actually recommended to eat fewer portions more frequently through the day. You eat what you can and move on. They should not be micromanaging you and your eating habits, they should just be supportive of whatever you think you need. They can’t force you to eat more because they think you need it, they’re not you.
You need to be very, very clear that you won’t be taking unsolicited advice or policing on habits at all, during or after pregnancy (I wonder how often you’ll hear about how you’re not feeding the baby enough…) If they continue to critique you, share reports on what you are or aren’t doing to judge if it’s ‘enough’, and try to bully and coerce you into what they want and think is best, you might want to reconsider being around them as a whole.” Difficult-Start-6982
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, OP and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. They and your husband are WAAAY overstepping. I had hyperemesis gravidarum with baby 2 and severe nausea with my other 2 throughout pregnancy. Just make sure to follow the doctor’s orders and you will be ok.
People who haven’t gone through it don’t understand the frustration and helplessness and guilt that comes with not being able to eat and hold food down. This controlling nonsense that your husband and in-laws are doing can trigger pre and postnatal anxiety and depression.
Please tell your doctor what they are doing and if necessary have the doctor talk to your husband. Please know you’re not doing anything wrong. I wish you a healthy happy labor, delivery, and baby!” Jovon35
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
This sounds like an extremely intrusive family and if you have to eat in a separate room to maintain your autonomy and feel better about eating, go for it!! And go ahead and stop lying. Tell them that you refuse to eat in the same room with them because their nagging about your food intake and reporting to your husband is inappropriate and offensive, even if it comes from a place of caring.
You might also want to tell your husband to back off, explaining that he’s only making things worse.
If he won’t back off, consider marital counseling before your child arrives. I do hope that you’re not in a culture in which young brides are stuck living with their husband’s families whether they like it or not.
Because if you asked them to stop and it didn’t help, you’re not being respected as an adult & it would be nice if you and your husband could live on your own, preferably as two grown-ups who respect one another.” Nester1953
7. AITJ For Refusing To Drive For 14 Hours To Help My Friend Move?
“I (21 M), was previously best friends with who we’ll call Adam (also 21m). We have been friends since middle school and there have been lots of disagreements between us, but not one as serious as this. Adam was moving for his trade school and it was a 7-hour drive from where we live currently, and his dad was going to drive him.
He had everything planned, but all of a sudden he hears that his dad may have cancer and needed to have emergency surgery, meaning he wouldn’t be able to drive him anymore. Being his best friend, he asked me to drive to his dad’s place.
I was open to the idea since this city is somewhere I always wanted to go anyways, so I agreed on the spot.
Fast forward a couple of days later, I wanted to talk details with Adam to see how everything would plan out.
I’m currently in a trade school online, and as embarrassing as it is to admit, I really didn’t have the funds to drive 14 hours total while covering expenses like food, and housing. Adam knew I didn’t have that kind of money, and he did offer to pay for gas the way there, which was a given for me.
Like I said before, I’ve never been to this city before, nor have I driven that far in my life.
After giving it some more thought, I composed a text asking politely if his dad could pay for the minimum expenses like housing for 1 night, and my gas.
I wasn’t asking for a 5-star hotel, I just wanted somewhere to rest up and leave the next morning because I didn’t feel comfortable driving that much in one day. To my surprise, he didn’t take that text very well and started calling me entitled for asking that.
He said that he didn’t want to ask his dad for money since his family was in distress due to the possibility he might have cancer and that his dad’s friend offered to do it for free beforehand.
Before I go on, I want to mention that Adam’s family was more than well off, and Adam had just received around 6,000 dollars as spending money from his dad, he’s on his dad’s credit card, meaning he really didn’t NEED to ask for that money in the first place.
He gets refills all the time.
Back to the story! After reading his response, I immediately told him that he should have his dad’s friend drive him there because it would be easier on both sides. I thought that was the end of it but he proceeded to try and guilt trip me saying things like ‘I thought you were my best friend’ and ‘I thought I could count on you for this’.
Which really made me mad. We had always been great friends and were often selfless toward one another, but this situation put me in a tough spot. Hearing that really left a big impression, and I didn’t want to be friends with Adam anymore.
Around 2 weeks after this happened, Adam’s other close friend, who we’ll call Bob, asked me to hang out and play tennis. I found the text weird considering we also haven’t spoken ever since Adam and I stopped talking.
Basically, he told me that Adam’s dad had a false scare and that Adam ended up driving there himself…”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your friend is being a jerk. He’s just gotten a ton of money so could afford to pay for your expenses and asking for a night’s accom so that you can drive safely is not a big ask.
Stick to your guns. If you aren’t comfortable making the journey without a stopover for a night of sleep then don’t do it. It’s hard enough doing big drives to places you haven’t been before without the stress of driving long distances without sleep.
That causes accidents. It’s just not worth your life.” Sevalisa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course, Adam should have offered to pay for your fuel and overnight accommodation. With all of my friends over decades of life experience, any of us asking another for that kind of help would have offered to pay for the other’s expenses — even if the one being asked to help was much better off financially than the one asking for help.
That’s just how you handle these kinds of things.
Not only did Adam not offer, but then he tried to guilt-trip and manipulate you when you dared to ask to have your expenses covered. That makes him doubly the jerk.” BogBabe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he basically said that even though he had somebody else who expressed they would willingly do this favor for him for free, he went out of his way to ask you to take on that expense.
But that’s assuming that that is true, and he wasn’t just saying it to manipulate you and try to make you feel bad for even asking
His saying that he absolutely would not ask his family to bear some cost so that you could do him a favor was him just saying that he would not do work for you but is expecting you to do work for him.
Honestly, it sounds like the situation is already done and there is no interpersonal conflict here. Just block him and Bob’s number.” JCBashBash
6. AITJ For Snapping At My Sister That She's Not My Friend?
“I (19M) am visiting my family for thanksgiving. My sister (27F) is here too. She calls me and texts me seemingly constantly, always asking me what’s going on in my life and trying to tell me what to do.
If I ignore her, she complains to my parents until they tell me to talk to her. Still, it’s been manageable up til now thanks to the distance/technology combo. It’s understandably harder to ignore her when she’s in my face in person.
Last night she was pestering me as usual. I was being evasive and giving short answers when she pulls out the ‘as your friend’ card. I interrupted her and snapped that she was not my friend, she was my sister.
Well, I guess that wasn’t the right thing to say because she burst into tears. She never cries about anything.
Anyway, that made me feel really bad. Is her behavior normal? Was I a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
She wants to have a closer relationship with you. You don’t want to be that close. Both feelings are normal. There’s gonna be tension while you both find an equilibrium between the both of you. Try to sit down and have a talk about boundaries (e.g. avoid repeatedly calling because sometimes you’re just busy, hold back on giving advice unless needed, etc.)
Relationships aren’t cut and dry. Unless you want to completely burn bridges and never have any sort of relationship with your sister, maybe have that talk to discuss what being siblings should look like for both of you.” Cats-in-the-rain
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she’s your sister, she probably assumed since she’s been in your entire life that you are close with her and is speaking to you in a familiar way. You know, like a sibling. If you were uncomfortable with ANY of it you should have told her directly, not wait to throw a hissy fit.
You should feel lucky to have a sibling who is excited to talk to you and makes the effort. You should be adult enough to verbalize your feelings. If you made your sister cry, when you’ve never seen it before, you should already know YTJ.
She didn’t make you feel bad – you made yourself feel bad and you need to apologize and set boundaries with her and your parents, not lash out when you feel put upon. If she oversteps then you can tell her to get lost.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell your parents that you would be fine having contact with a sibling, but you are not interested in speaking regularly to someone who thinks she is your third parent. If they want you to have a closer relationship then they should help her out in her place.
You did nothing wrong, she needs to recognize that despite the age gap, you are no longer a little kid, and she needs to change how she interacts with you.” Knittingfairy09113
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Weird describing your relationship with your sibling as ‘pestering’.
I don’t know your situation but it’s pretty normal to maintain regular contact with your sibling.
Based on the context and your tone, my best guess is that you’re the jerk. She’s trying to talk with you, you’re being short and she’s trying to level with you by saying ‘as your friend’.
She’s trying to show you that she cares about you and you blew her off. You sound like a drain and a waste of your sister’s time and energy which I’m sure was your whole intention. Do her a favor and let her know how you really feel about her and be clear so she doesn’t ‘pester’ you with her kinship anymore.
She deserves to spend time with someone that actually appreciates her. It will be best for both of you.
‘Anyway, that made me feel really bad. Is her behavior normal? Was I a jerk?’
She’s your sister, you donut.
Yes and yes. The complete lack of self-awareness in this question is astounding.” ZeDitto
5. AITJ For Not Agreeing With My Wife That I'm A Jerk?
“The precipitating event was tonight while my 2.5-year-old was sitting on my lap refusing to eat dinner. I was focused on him, trying to coax him to eat, while he insists (screams about) and watches something (cocomelon-ish) on my phone (not ideal).
My wife is across the breakfast bar, not directly dealing with any of this, as my almost 5 yo is sitting beside me, wanting to watch as well, and not eating her dinner either.
Earlier in the day I had taken 2.5-year-old to a local market to buy a Christmas gift for my SIL, a handmade pottery mug.
The gift exchange theme this year is ‘hand-made’.
It is sitting in a bag to the side during dinner. My wife asks at one point. ‘What does it look like?’ She is far closer to it than I am and could easily just look in the bag.
My response is a fairly exasperated ‘I dunno, just look at it.’ This results in fairly immediate silent treatment where she immediately starts putting dinner away. I had to ask her to get something back out after our daughter asked for it and it was already in the fridge.
After kid bedtime (we usually each do one kid), I come down to say I have work (occupation) that I need to do and head toward the basement. She stops me to say she wants to talk to me.
She’s been doing some therapy to deal with the crap that was her upbringing and said that this has led her to want to address things with me as well.
I sit as she tells me 1. ‘There is nothing I could do that would justify you speaking to me that way’. 2. ‘It doesn’t matter what the circumstances were, you shouldn’t talk to me like that’ 3. ‘I am afraid to even bring this up since you’ll just have some justification for your tone.’
I asked if she wanted me to respond and she said ‘I don’t know’. I replied that since she had already decided I had no possible valid reaction to this aside from falling to my knees and groveling for her forgiveness that I instead had work to do, and went to the basement.
(my office).
Update: I was convinced to expedite my apology, and I did it first thing this morning. I apologized mainly for being dismissive when she was trying to talk to me, as that is the part that upset her the most. The precipitating event is not likely to be discussed any further at this point, but next time I will try to adjust my tone, and just explicitly state that I have a lot going on right now and don’t have the capacity for chatting about XYZ as that may not have been clear to her.
I do think it should have been clear, but it may not have been.
INFO: At the time I was sitting with the kids she was eating herself and beginning to clean up in the kitchen. This is normal and goes both ways.
One of us focused on the kids, the other keeping the house going. The one with the kids always has the biggest task.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the way you spoke to her at the dinner table (maybe curt but exasperated and understandable).
You are however the jerk for blowing her off and shutting her down when she was trying to be vulnerable with her feelings about the situation and talking to you in a respectful and open way.
Maybe a session or two of couples therapy in addition to her individual therapy?
Ideally not with the same therapist. Just to establish some ground rules for disagreements and to have some common expectations for each other and the way you handle each other’s feelings. Good luck. This sounds fixable and it sounds like your wife is putting in the effort.
Meet her halfway.” KGBree
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with YTJ. You saying that usually you each do one kid for bedtime I feel like you typically split up parenting responsibilities. Idk if she was cleaning or cooking or whatever while you fed the kids, but at least for now I’m going to assume both of you are relatively good partners/parents.
It does sound like your tone was rude. People can convey a lot through tone, they can be sarcastic, mean, dismissive, etc. I don’t see why your wife shouldn’t be able to plainly say that you were rude to her when you were in fact rude to her.
She didn’t shout or call him names or verbally abuse him. She didn’t do anything wrong. It isn’t manipulative to be direct or to name the behavior you’re upset about.
I’m also on guard by you saying that the only valid reaction would be to fall to your knees groveling.
It makes me think you are uninterested in having genuine conversations. Why is it unreasonable to apologize after being kind of rude? You don’t have to grovel, apologizing is very easy. ‘I’m sorry, my tone was kind of rude. I’ll do my best not to do that anymore.
I was really frustrated, can we talk about ways for us to prevent such frustrating moments in the future?’ I interpreted your wife’s words to mean there are no valid excuses for being rude to her because there aren’t.
We are all rude or hurtful sometimes and that’s human, but we do still have the obligation to apologize and do better.
I feel like exaggerating a reasonable request so the other person seems ridiculous is so manipulative. You’re pretending like she wanted you to grovel when all she’s asking is that you don’t use a rude tone when talking to her.
Edit: I’m also side-eying where she tells you she was afraid of bringing it up to you because you would just justify it. In a good partnership, you shouldn’t be afraid to tell the other person about little things like this.
I’ve been short with my husband and he’s been short with me. We usually address it right away, it keeps resentment from building. Do you often dismiss her feelings? Are you often rude to her when you’re frustrated?” Craftyhobby
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She set you up for failure from the get-go.
She overreacted to your, rightful, frustration. This situation reminds me of what my abusive husband used to do. I’d be in impossible situations, he’d ask me to do something that he could easily do himself.
No matter how nicely I replied ‘no’ or said that he could do it, it became my fault. I wasn’t helpful/was rude/am snide/should have just done what he asked/rude because I didn’t help/was making his life difficult/want to be a pain in the butt.
If this isn’t a normal pattern of behavior for her try some couples therapy. If this is her normal behavior then you may have deeper issues.” Apart-Ad7397
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Her for thinking ‘nothing’ she could do would reasonably provoke a curt response from you.
You for not examining your own behavior while considering her message that you tend to rationalize your own behavior and dismissing or invalidating her feelings/point of view. Both of you for poor communication.
I recommend you together read a couple of books by John and Julie Gottmann.
I also recommend that you two together look on their website for their formulated rules for communicating in conflict and for what they call ‘softened start-ups’ to conversations that are or might be difficult. Also, look at their ‘Four Horsemen of the Marital Apocalypse’ and examine each of your behavior while considering whether you commit any of those destructive attitudes and behaviors.
Some marriage counseling might be helpful, but not if your wife is afraid to be honest. Regardless of how effectively she communicated her feelings that night, it took some courage for her to do that and I think she deserves validation and encouragement for that reason.” felice60
4. AITJ For Disinviting Some Of My Family Members From My Wedding?
“I (20F) am hoping to get married next year toward summer if plans go accordingly. I graduated college with a degree in medical office and found a decent desk job at a doctor’s office that pays well with benefits. I am currently living in an apartment with my fiancé (22M).
Occasionally we visit my parents, who live with my three sisters. The day before Thanksgiving my sister (26F) made a false accusation claiming my partner damaged her car and scratched the back.
It is true he was behind her on the way home, but he says he never hit or damaged her car in any way.
She says she’s willing to drop it if he pays her out of pocket, he said ok let me pull up the footage.
She must not have known he had cameras in the front and back after getting into a minor accident.
So we checked it and even showed it to our parents and her. There is one point he gets a few feet behind her, but he never scratched her car because the scratch was already there.
So it could’ve been from another car, but it wasn’t him.
This upset me and him for him to be scammed and accused of, but we made the decision to disinvite her and the family members who sided with her.
This of course caused further drama because she never apologized to him for accusing him and saying he’s not a good driver.
And she had already helped contribute to the wedding. I’m offering to give back or pay for the stuff she contributed, but that doesn’t mean I’m open to her coming.
They aren’t that close as he is always busy with work and doesn’t get to visit a lot.
But AITJ for disinviting sibling/family members for a false accusation?
Edit: This is one of my older half-sisters (same mom) so we didn’t grow up together which is why we aren’t that close. When I moved out from my father’s and into my now fiancé’s apartment, I started visiting my mom more.
She currently lives with my grandma and my older half-sister and 2 younger sisters. It’s not about being petty or regretting it because I don’t have any regrets, which is why I’m firm on my decision.
I’m upset and would’ve reconsidered my choice to disinvite her, had she not started this and lied about her car being scratched by my fiancé to get compensated. She brought this up to the family saying he did it and had no doubts or hesitation saying since he was the car behind her.
And also, I wouldn’t want to be associated with people who lie and don’t own up to it. I could understand if she said, ‘I think you scratched my car’. But she outright stated it was him. I’ve got calls from family asking why my fiancé hit her and etc, which I don’t have the time to listen to when I’m busy working.
And she could’ve brought it up with him first, instead of going through our mom using and involving my mother who wasn’t even involved with this. Making it bigger than it needs to be.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
If she is still going to insist that your fiancé scratched the car, despite incontrovertible proof that it wasn’t him, then disinvite her.
She’s dishonest and trying to get an innocent party to pay for the damage to her car.
You might want to send this footage to your other relatives who are siding with her. Perhaps they’ll change their minds when they see the proof.” RighteousVengeance
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your wedding and you get to choose. No point in inviting someone you don’t get on with or if there’s bad b***d. However, it might be wise to patch up if possible as a wedge between family will only get bigger with time.
In case something happens in the future with your husband, it’s always good to have a home to run back to. Also when you have kids, you would appreciate all the extra help you can get. But it’s your life and you are free to choose.” SPolowiski
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you plan to pay back everything she has done. It’s your decision. But are other family members who sided with her still siding with her after seeing the camera footage?
I think it is petty to disinvite the family who sided with her and who only know one side of the story because you don’t want to give them yours.
It’s not that much effort to say you already reviewed footage of it with her and parents and at no time did he collide with her vehicle and your parents and her have seen the footage.
I also hope you saved the footage in case she makes a claim with insurers and gives your partner’s details as the at-fault driver.” Typical_Rob
3. AITJ For Not Letting My Best Friend Borrow My Red Bottom Heels For Her Bridal Shower?
“I (female) have a childhood best friend of over 16 years who’s getting married next month. We’ve always borrowed each other’s clothes and shoes just as best friends do!
I also want to say this first, I’m not materialistic at all. I received the shoes from my mom as a gift, and I’ve only worn them two times. They are my special occasion heels and they mean a lot to me because I know my mom worked really hard to be able to gift me them!
Yesterday my best friend came over and she wanted to borrow black heels and I was like yeah! Go through the closet and she pulled the box out, tried them on, and was like ‘Omg! These are the ones that’ll go perfectly with my dress’.
I then said I’d love to let you borrow anything but those, and she said seriously? It’s my bridal shower. I said I know I’m just not comfortable with you wearing them. She took them off and said don’t worry about the shoes I’ll find my own, she left a few minutes after and texted me saying that wasn’t cool and that she would do it for me.
I just wrote back and said I know, but I’d also respect your things. It’s been a day and I haven’t heard from her. AITJ for not feeling bad?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Had she seen you wearing those shoes before?
I have a feeling, from the way you’ve written this, that she knew about those shoes, and that she came over with the sole intention of borrowing them, and them only. Her reaction to being told no is very telling.
If she was just after a pair of black shoes, she’d have kept looking. But she’d gone with only one pair of shoes in mind, so when she was told no to those, she left empty-handed.
It’s perfectly fine to be protective of an important gift, that was given by someone who is important to you.
Often other people don’t care for things like you do, so it makes sense to not lend out something that is precious to you.” Rockpoolcreater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your friend is lying. She wouldn’t let you borrow her CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN shoes if she owned a pair either, and is throwing a temper tantrum that she didn’t get her way.
If she hasn’t uninvited you, be sure to wear them to the bridal shower and the wedding.
The sad reality is you’re about to learn that your 16-year friendship is over because you wouldn’t let her borrow the expensive shoes she is jealous of.
Buy some Pantone 18 1663TP scarlet enamel paint and a pair of similar black heels at Payless and loan them in the box. She’s probably too stupid to realize the difference. Not joking. I know a girl that did this, and happily loaned her friends the ‘shoes.'” TreyRyan3
Another User Comments:
“Totally 100% NTJ. But, given that you’ve been friends for 16 years, it really would be worth reaching out and talking to her about it. Saying that while you love and appreciate her, these shoes are a gift from your mom, so in addition to their price tag, they’re emotionally special.
This may explain to her why you’re less than excited about letting her borrow them. Approach the situation assuming that she doesn’t know the price or emotional importance, and try to explain it. You’ve been friends for so long, it would be silly to muddy the water over what seems to be a simple misunderstanding!” QuartzTourmaline
2. AITJ For Flying First Class With My Toddler?
“My husband, toddler (almost 3) and I were flying across the country for Thanksgiving. Since we could afford it due to a nice pay raise my husband recently got, we decided to splurge on 1st class tickets for the trip.
Disclaimer: My toddler has always been a good flyer and has flown a lot throughout her short life.
We follow our pediatrician’s recommendation to give her a dose of baby Tylenol and gripe water 30 minutes before travel and she’s never been disruptive or cried on an airplane, this flight included. She’s good at staying in her seat and tells us when she needs to go potty, food, a toy, etc. She stayed seated and quietly played throughout the flight, only getting up when she had to go potty.
The issue was with another 1st class passenger. We boarded early since my husband is disabled and when another 1st class passenger saw us he started glaring. Shortly after he sat down a flight attendant came up and asked to see our boarding passes to make sure we were seated correctly.
We showed her our boarding passes and she was like ‘cool, yall are good’.
A few minutes later a second flight attendant came up and asked again to see our boarding passes. We showed them and again she was like ‘cool yall are good’.
We take off and all is good. My kid fell asleep in the middle of coloring, my husband is snoozing, and I’m listening to music when I get a tap on my shoulder. It was the guy that glared at us as he boarded and before I could even get a word out he told me that children weren’t allowed in 1st class and that we needed to move to our ‘real’ seats.
I realized he was probably the person that complained before takeoff that we were in the wrong seats and decided before I got upset I wanted the flight attendants to deal with this. I told him that I did not feel comfortable talking with him and that I was calling a flight attendant to come to handle this.
He got flustered but ultimately stood awkwardly next to me in the aisle until a flight attendant came to clear things up.
The flight attendant came and explained to him that we were in the correct seats that we paid for and asked that he sit back down and not bother us again.
He did go back to his seat but as we were getting off the plane he whispered to me that I was a ‘fat jerk’ and that he pays too much money for first class to be surrounded by children.
My kid was the only kid in 1st class and she didn’t misbehave or even cry so at first I felt like I was in the right, but after talking to family at Thanksgiving many of them told me that we should book economy next time because people pay extra to relax in 1st class.
Are we really jerks for flying 1st class with our toddler?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I can understand why he would initially be wary and upset, but he frankly should have calmed down once it became apparent that your toddler was just sleeping peacefully like anyone else.
And since you know that your kid is a good flyer, there’s no reason not to sit first class if you can.
Though there’s something about your friends’ assumption that screaming babies should only be inflicted on the poor in economy that is sitting wrong with me somehow.
Aside from that, the fact that he went for the absolute lowest-effort offensive remark at the end tells me everything I need to know about what a sterling gentleman he is. Between your toddler and him, it’s easy to tell who the most disruptive passenger was.
I’m sure the attendants were thrilled to keep hearing from him.” Covert_Pudding
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your family is weird. If people think paying for first-class means paying not to be around children they are not very well versed in how life works.
Well-off people have children, too. If they can afford it, they have every right to bring their kids to first class.
It seems like a whole lot of anger over what could have happened but didn’t. Your child didn’t disrupt the flight.
This man stayed mad for hours over nothing. Your family is being ridiculous.” ktempest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You paid for the seats, so they were yours and the man was really rude. Since you sound like you prepared your kid for the journey and kept them occupied in this case I think you are not the jerk.
However, in my opinion, parents who fly with young children if they don’t really need to are generally jerks. You may be entitled to what you pay for, but loud or unruly young kids are not pleasant to be around and being stuck in a tin can with them for hours sucks.
I inwardly groan any time I see a baby/toddler boarding a plane. So, for all the people going on about how we should be helping mothers out and talking about how they love babysitting random strangers’ infants – I’m genuinely happy for you, but that’s a ridiculous expectation of people in general. Regardless, there is no reason for someone to be name-calling or acting like such a jerk like this man did to you.” croissant_fondler
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Entire Inheritance From My Uncle To Go To His Kids?
“I (26f) am my mom’s (54f) child and only daughter to my dad who she met after breaking up with my uncle ‘Bob.’ Bob (53m) had an affair with my aunt ‘Jane’ (51f) and was pressured into marriage by their parents after finding out Jane was pregnant with my cousin ‘Amelia’ (32f).
I’m not sure about all the details but from what I’ve gathered Bob started sleeping with Jane because she was willing while my mom wanted to wait until marriage. My grandparents were very religious and traditionalists.
My mom was devastated and cut Bob and Amelia out of her life for years and went into low contact with my grandparents after they retried pushing for reconciliation after Amelia was born.
Eventually, my mom met my dad and got engaged and I guess by that point she was truly over Bob because she invited him, Jane, Amelia, and their son ‘Bob Jr’ (28m) to the wedding. Jane was bummed out that she couldn’t be a bridesmaid or that my mom made my god sister her flower girl instead of Amelia and there was an argument.
Before the wedding, there was a sit down between my parents, Bob, Jane, and my maternal grandparents where my mom said that she was willing to have some type of relationship with all of them but only under the condition that they all agreed to never speak about the past again.
From that day on my cousins and I all grew up together and never knew the truth and I thought we were all one big happy family. So I was surprised my mom wasn’t as sympathetic as I thought she should be when it turned out that Bob had had an affair multiple times with different women.
They later divorced after Bob had gotten one of his flings pregnant.
Bob moved away and barely saw my cousins but he always sent me cards, presents, and messages. I also didn’t find out until later but he actually paid for my college in secret so I didn’t have any debt while Amelia and Bob Jr only got partial help from him.
Recently my uncle Bob passed away and his lawyer requested that I attend the will reading and I went to more so support my cousins. I was floored when I realized that I got almost everything. That’s when the secret came out and it was revealed that Bob never got over my mom, was still in love with her, and always saw me as the daughter that should’ve been his.
It took me getting a DNA test to prove that I was my father’s daughter to convince everyone that my mom never slept with Bob, and during that time my cousins and Bob’s other children said some really nasty things to me.
After some time had cooled off I looked at the total value of my share of around $400,000 (after fees) and agreed to just give 50% to my cousins. They weren’t happy and felt that as Bob’s legal children, they should get EVERYTHING, wouldn’t hear about accepting any less, and called me a greedy witch.
AITJ?
Edit: Just to be clear, neither my mom, dad, nor I knew that Bob was the one who gave me money for college because when I was applying for stuff Bob sent me a link to an organization that a ‘friend’ of his knew that gave funds for school.
The place seemed legit and asked me to show my college acceptance letter along with a 300-500 word Personal Statement and a copy of my transcripts, and that I’d find out in about two weeks if I got it. After he got the stuff I sent, Bob googled the average of the school I was going to go to and mailed me a check for that amount.
The check was sent to a P.O. Box that I had and that’s how Bob would send me the funds every year.
Edit 2: Also Bob did leave his children something.
Amelia got $20k.
Bob Jr. got $10k plus a car.
Bob’s other son got $10k plus his other car.
Bob’s other daughter got ownership of his small beach house (she’s the only one who lives in the same state as it).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s how wills work. They don’t have to be fair or even make much sense.
He obviously wanted you to have the money, not them. That money is legally yours.
50% is generous – some would argue too generous, given that they are owed 0%. But you are the one who has a relationship with them so I can’t really comment on that.
I suppose it comes down to which you would prefer: $400K and people with no right to that money calling you names because they are entitled, or $0K and them being all smiley because of free funds.
Personally, I wouldn’t compromise.
The fact that they are being choosing beggars about the 50% when they are owed nothing would make me think twice about giving them a penny. I would reason that they were likely to badmouth me whatever.” Stoat__King
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Bob had the legal right to leave OP his money, and OP has the legal right to accept it. But clearly, Bob’s obsession with OP at the expense of his own children was morally wrong, and therefore it is also morally wrong for OP to knowingly and willingly benefit from it.
The money is only available to OP because Bob neglected his own children, so keeping the money is an endorsement of that neglect.
You can’t put all the blame on Bob if the bad thing he wanted to do can’t happen without your cooperation.” StringLiteral
Another User Comments:
“So I think people are making it a little too black and white when they say ‘if the money was left to you then it’s yours. End of story’. While that is true, there’s a little more to it.
That money should have gone to your cousins. After all, they are his kids (If they went no contact after the affair then that could change some things). However, that’s not your fault that the money didn’t go to them and went to you.
I can’t fault you for it.
On the other hand, I couldn’t blame your cousins for being upset that you got the inheritance (assuming you kept all of it like people are saying) from their dad while you also have 2 parents of your own.
However, you didn’t keep the money all to yourself. While yes they are still losing out on a lot, that’s their dad’s fault, not yours. While it’s not fair, they are being the jerk for holding this against you so you’re NTJ.” Pancakes176
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and uncle Bob is the biggest jerk of all. Jane got her just deserts with Bob having an affair just like she helped him do to your mom.
However, your cousins have not done anything wrong.
What they got was a horrible father who decided to add insult to injury in his final act – one they can never have an opportunity to reply to.
You suck for choosing the money over them. Yes yes — it’s Bob’s money and he can gift it to whoever but really, morally and ethically he is at the bottom of the barrel and you’re happy to benefit from that?
That would make you equally low. Maybe you are his kid!” SunMoonTruth
