People Just Want To Be Heard In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting Kids At Our Wedding Despite My Fiancé's Family's Tradition?
“My fiance Max and I are getting married in November. I have a huge Colombian family. We are all close enough, and there are like a million kids.
I love them all and can not imagine a single family event without them.
My fiance’s family, on the other hand, is smaller, and the kids are only included in the big events (Christmas, Easter, and their own birthdays). They have a rule that every party is to be child-free.
So, sending out the invitations, we obviously did not write “child-free” on it… because it’s not. There will be approximately 13 kids there (5-17).
My future MIL calls us up to clarify. She asked if we had told my family “no kids”. We had to tell her that there were going to be kids there.
She got very angry. Then, on Thursday, we went to pick up her dog, and she was there with Max’s Aunt and 2 cousins. We were basically cornered about the kids thing.
They gave us the following arguments:
1. It has been a long-established tradition that kids were not to attend parties and events with booze.
2. His father is paying for half of the wedding (4k), and they don’t want to see a kid ruining it and wasting his money.
3. They have been looking forward to no kids and letting loose.
After we left, we both decided that arguments 1 and 3 were dumb.
Number 2 has us scratching our heads.
Are we the jerks if we keep kids at the wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“Oh I didn’t realize it was your future father-in-law’s wedding. No no no, budget and see if you or your family can try to make up his dad’s 4k, tell him no thank you, and have as many kids as you want at your wedding.
That may be a rule HIS family set forth, not sure why his family gets to dictate YOUR family. What a weird thing to impose. Congrats, enjoy your wedding, and all of the cute kids dancing on the dance floor. SOOOOOO incredibly sorry your fiance’s family can’t get hammered. Such a shame.” Pristine_Pie_2254
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding, your choice. If his father wants to withdraw his money, he can do that, because it’s his money. He’d be a jerk, but there you go. It has been a long-established tradition in his family. This is your wedding, and involves your family as well – there is no reason why his family’s tradition should reign supreme.
Practically everywhere on the planet that isn’t the US, having kids at a party that also has booze is normal. The kids just don’t drink the booze. What kind of “letting loose” do they plan at your wedding that would be inappropriate for a child to see?
If a child shouldn’t see it, then I wouldn’t want it happening at my wedding.” _mmiggs_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your wedding. They don’t get to make the rules. Have your fiancé interface with the family. Max should offer to revoke their invitations and give the 4K back.
Max would then say, “If you insist, this wedding will involve my new family rather than my ex-family.” Ball’s then in their court. They can choose to take the ball and go home if it’s that important to them.” extinct_diplodocus
20. AITJ For Kicking Out My MIL After She Shared Photos Of My Kids With My Estranged SIL?
“My SIL is a vile person. My husband and the rest of his family do not speak to her (or so I thought).
I was having a very nice day some time ago when a friend suddenly sent me a screenshot. It was a picture of someone on Twitter saying horrible things about my children (3 and 5).
I was horrified because I don’t put pictures of them on social media. My friend explained that person A who insulted my kids was arguing with person B whose header was a picture of my children. Person A assumed they were person B’s kids and insulted them as a comeback.
Friend said she was pretty sure I wasn’t person B because they had some weird things in their bio/tweet history that I would never say/or believe in.
I informed my husband and we basically freaked out trying to figure out who person B was and why they had a picture of our children.
I then remembered that I sent that picture of the kids to my MIL and I even checked our texts to make sure.
MIL has been staying with us for a week or so, so we waited for her to come home from wherever then my husband explained what happened. She seemed concerned as well until my husband asked if she sent that picture to anyone else.
She immediately went red in the face and started avoiding eye contact and everything. She then said she sent it to my SIL. In fact, she’s been sending her several pictures of my children.
I can’t even lie, I saw red. It made a lot of sense too because after looking through person B’s account, they sounded just like her.
MIL apologized and said she was just trying to make her daughter feel less isolated. But I was so incredibly angry. I told my MIL that all I’m hearing from her is utter nonsense and she doesn’t have to worry about her poor daughter being isolated because she can pack up her stuff and go live with her.
MIL immediately started apologizing and said she didn’t think SIL would save the pictures. She swore to never do it again and even deleted the pictures of my children off her phone. I couldn’t bring myself to care. The next day while she was leaving, she said I was being too harsh.
I told her to stop talking to me. My husband is completely on board with this but he’s busy with his sister and making sure she changes her Twitter header (it did end up being her).
I can’t explain the amount of rage I still feel but MIL did seem very apologetic.
And my FIL, her ex-husband, even reached out to me saying that my anger is valid but that I shouldn’t kick her out because I’ve left her in a very tough spot especially since she had 0 bad intentions. I’m afraid my anger is blinding me (and my husband) so I’m just curious.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“‘It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission.’ She had bad intentions. She knew this was something you wouldn’t approve of so she didn’t ask and she did it anyway. She’s not remorseful. She’s just regretting she got caught out.
NTJ. If FIL is a flying monkey then he can take her in.” rebootsaresuchapain
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It really doesn’t matter what her intentions were, she did something she knew you would not want her to do and it has led to your children’s faces being put in a public place and associated with a person you choose to have no contact with because they are not safe.
She’s demonstrated she cannot hold boundaries, so if you rug sweep this she will do it again. A time out is appropriate here and you are not being too harsh. You need to show her that your boundaries are not flexible and if she crosses them, there will be consequences.
It’s the only way you’ll ever be able to have a relationship with her again. If you decide to let her back in at some point, I’d place restrictions on her taking photos. Hold your ground.” Pleasant-Koala147
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your MIL is an adult who knew beforehand about your boundaries regarding your children and their exposure to your SIL and didn’t care, put her priorities first USING your children to do it!
Of course, she didn’t mean any “harm”, give me a break. I don’t have any children, but I can see exactly why you are enraged. She’s lucky all you did was kick her out and not make the drama any worse.” Stands-With-Ponies
19. AITJ For Not Being Home To Welcome My Uncle Who Invited Himself Over?
“So I guess I should add that in my ethnic culture, there is a BIG emphasis on being a good host and taking care of your family.
I live in a popular holiday destination and because of that and also grandkids, my parents or my in-laws come to stay with us at least every couple of months. This means they’re pretty comfortable in our home and know how to get there and where everything is.
My dad was supposed to arrive this morning. My uncle (his brother) decided he wanted to tag along. That was okay with me.
Unfortunately, I ended up having some meetings scheduled that I couldn’t rearrange and I would need to leave the house like half an hour before they got here.
I told Dad that I’d cooked and left them a meal on the stove, and to use his spare key. He seemed fine with this.
When I eventually got home my uncle asked if we could talk privately and started banging on about how he didn’t expect me to be so dismissive of family and to be such a bad host. Apparently, I should’ve been here to welcome him and serve him lunch rather than make my dad, who is also a traveler, have to do these things.
I laughed at him because honestly, I thought he’s being ridiculous. It’s pretty clear that was my intention but sometimes life happens!
Now he’s been in a sulk all day and I overheard him threatening my dad with leaving early and not spending time together because of this.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”I overheard him threatening my dad with leaving early.” Tell him not to let the front door hit him where the good lord split him. I also live in a very popular vacation destination city in the US. We are very happy to host, but we’re also both choosy on who gets to stay and are quick to point out if their visit isn’t convenient for us.
Especially around holidays and when we just had visitors and need a break. NTJ at all. You were as accommodating as you could be, given the circumstances. Your work pays for that popular vacation home and is more important than anyone’s visit.” KronkLaSworda
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – “Uncle my being professional and reliable at work is what allows you to have a free vacation here, in my home, that I pay for. If I were to drop work at short notice because my family members decided to invite themselves to my home, you wouldn’t have somewhere to invite yourself to for very long.
Feel free to leave if you didn’t like the welcome you invited yourself here for.”” sally_marie_b
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You want a full host welcome experience, wait to be invited. Don’t invite yourself. They knew you wouldn’t be available to welcome them into your home until a specific time of day, maybe they should have timed their arrival better if a full-effort welcome is that important to your uncle.
I’d put effort into showing him the difference between the effort to welcome someone despite both parties having logistical issues vs actively making someone UN-welcome.” Professional_Ruin953
18. AITJ For Insisting Our Daughter Goes On Her Graduation Trip Instead Of Visiting Family?
“My daughter Valorie’s school hosts a New York trip for graduating 8th grade.
It’s in late June but the deadline to register for the trip and pay the fee is in two weeks. The problem is the date conflicts with the out-of-state trip we take every two years to visit my husband Brad’s parents.
Brad’s argument is that Valorie’s at an age where the friendships she has now will most likely fade by the time she’s an adult, and his sister Denise and her grandparents are family.
So she’s going to regret it and realize what he’s insisting on now is the right choice.
The thing is that Valorie isn’t particularly close with Denise or her grandparents on Brad’s side, and she’s told me that she doesn’t want to visit her family on Brad’s side if it means missing her graduation trip this year and it won’t be the same as if she went to New York as an adult.
I argued my side with Brad and that Valorie would simply resent the trip to Brad’s family if it meant missing her graduation trip, as well as that we’re all in good health and can reasonably expect that everyone will still be here when we visit again in two years.
Brad is still insisting that Valorie will realize when she’s older that spending time with her family is the right choice and will be thankful for it when she’s an adult.
Brad and I are still on opposing sides and I have told him that I am going to sign off on Valorie’s graduation trip and pay the fee out of my own savings regardless of what he says.
Am I in the wrong for putting my foot down and making sure our daughter gets to go on this trip against Brad’s wishes? Valorie has already missed so many experiences and didn’t even get a 5th-grade graduation. She’s worked so hard this year to improve her grades to be allowed on this trip and I feel we need to make up for those lost events as much as possible.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Valorie deserves to go on this trip, it’s a once-in-a-lifetime experience that she’s going to treasure forever. So what if she won’t remain friends with her current friend group? They’re still part of her story and she’s always going to have memories with them, and if you pull her off this trip then that’s just going to drive a wedge before she even gets to college.
Your in-laws aren’t going anywhere and your daughter barely has a bond with them due to the distance. Plus this is a semi-annual trip and like you said, she’ll see them again in two years when you guys go again. Your daughter is aging and she’s going to start making her own decisions soon, your husband won’t be able to control her for much longer.
Does he really want to drive a wedge in their relationship by prohibiting her from going?” crocodilezebramilk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ going to NY as a kid is WAAAAY different from going as an adult everything will seem so big, new, and special for her and she’ll make memories for when she’s an adult so she can go back and feel nostalgic.
Just cause she’s young doesn’t mean she’ll lose her friends. I still have friends from the 4th grade that I talk to daily.” SuddenHighway1234
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Brad is looking at this from an adult perspective, but that’s totally different from a child’s. The family trip is the right choice FOR HIM.
Valorie’s graduation trip is the right choice FOR HER. The best Brad can hope for is your daughter grudgingly telling him she knows why he made her go when she’s a fair bit older. That does not mean she will agree with him or not resent him for making her miss out on a fun trip with her friends to a very exciting city.
He thinks he’s helping her make the “right” choice. It is only “right” from his perspective. His daughter has missed out on a load of experiences because of recent years and it would be hugely unfair to make her miss this one as well. Also, this trip was known about and your daughter worked hard on her grades so she would get to go on this trip.
It would be a betrayal of her if she didn’t get to go, and I feel it would leave her relationship with her father in a place that he really doesn’t want it to be.” WestLondonIsOursFFC
Why in the world can't the trip be rescheduled to visit his family at a different time?! That is what can be moved around and I wonder at his refusal to even try to come to some sort of work around. He seems to be looking at this situation selfishly - without any kind of understanding or putting himself in her place. I have a feeling she would resent him if he made her go, plus it could enforce that bit of why bother to put forth as much effort with school and such because her she did and he's trying to take that from her
17. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For A Dinner Party I Didn't Attend Or Benefit From?
“Last semester one of my classmates and I did a project together (we are both architecture students). We did most of the work on our own but since we were nearing the deadline we asked a junior student to render a single sheet in Photoshop (which took about 15 min, cause it was a really small section).
However, 4 of our friends had multiple juniors working nearly 12 hrs for them, wrapping up most of the post-production work which is pretty standard practice at my college. All of us ended up submitting the work and now after 2 months those 4 friends decided to throw a dinner feast for all those who helped them out, they decided to pool in all the money and asked my project partner to chip in, which he did as his SO was one of the 4 people and he obviously wanted to have a dinner date with her.
He asked me to join the dinner to which I declined because:
a) I felt ridiculous throwing a party for a bunch of unknown people who did not help me with the project. (mind you only one fellow helped us and there were about 14 folks at the dinner party)
b) I am not close with any of these people, and they constantly make fun of me and talk very condescendingly to me.
I told him and he understood. They had the party while I stayed at home
But the same day he called me (at 1:00 in the morning) asking me to pay him 1200 rupees (14.5 USD) because even if I did not attend the dinner I was still his project partner and I passed the semester because of him.
So I tried explaining to him that we only had one person to help us and that we could have given our junior helper a pizza party instead of going out and having a fancy dinner with the 14 people group all of whom did significantly more work for our other friends who all are paying the same amount as us (they’re pooling the money).
I told him that our common friend group is using him to make a bigger pool and I very clearly stated I did not wanna be a part of it and if he does it’s on him. But goes off on me and tells me I’m a Scrooge for refusing to treat people who help me.
I understand that he is in a desperate position. I would have paid if it was like 500 Rs (6 USD). but 1200 Rs is too much for me. Again we aren’t even good friends or something and have gotten into very public arguments before. Still, he continues to text me asking me for money.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I can understand them wanting to reward the students that donated 12 hours of work to their project, but that didn’t involve you. If the one student that worked for 15 minutes attended I think it would perhaps be nice to contribute like a small fraction, much less than 500 INR even, depending on the costs for their meal (which you should pay no more than half of).
And, if they worked on the other project and attended the pizza party because of significantly more work on that, I’d say you owe nothing to them. You do not, in my opinion, owe your partner in the project anything, you did not pass because of them but by the sound of it because of your own work, sure you worked together, but they did their work on the project because they also wanted to pass, it was not a favor to you.” Imaginary-Bit-3656
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you told everyone from the start you were not part of the dinner party. Did the juniors who worked 12 hours plus on the project benefit you in any way? I can’t gauge if this was a group project with you and your friend, or a larger one.
If it’s a larger one and you’ve benefited from their work, you could maybe kick in a little bit of money but you’re not obligated to as you said from the start you were not part of it.” Jerseygirl2468
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told him your reasons why you weren’t in for the dinner and he understood them. He probably did not expect the dinner to cost as much as it did (btw in the US you can barely buy a single hamburger meal at a cheap restaurant for $14.50) since this seems to be a large sum but that is not your problem.
You might want to go directly to the one junior who helped you and give them some kind of acknowledgment – a thank you card, a gift card for coffee, whatever makes sense where you are. Something like the $5-6 dollars you would be comfortable with.
You don’t owe the other guy on your project but thanking the one who helped you out would be considerate.” Brennan_Boru1031
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Parent Plus Loans That I Didn't Know About?
“Am I morally obligated to pay parent plus loans? I had to take out direct student loans for myself (~20K). 6 months after I graduated, my mom informed me that there was an additional 20K in parent plus loans, I had no idea about but had to pay.
I was devastated. My mom agreed to pay interest only until I had the 20K in my name paid off. I am now debt-free on paper but still have this issue of the parent plus loan. Here’s the thing, I have 2 siblings who are married and each received help paying for their wedding (approx.
10K). I am nearly 30 at this point and gay. I will never receive money for marriage because they do not agree that gay marriage is moral. I clearly disagree. I have never been happier since I recently came out. I strongly feel being gay is not a choice and is morally okay.
All of this would be irrelevant except that I have asked for this money that they have always committed to my wedding up until recently to be reallocated to these parent plus loans but was told no. Their reasoning is that a wedding is a fun family activity they can participate in.
So that combined with the fact that I had no idea about these loans when they were signed up for, the loans are not in my name and I know they have the ability to pay them off immediately, makes me feel like I am no longer obligated. Or at a minimum, I would be okay to pay everything down to 10K and they can cover the remainder.
However, my struggle is that I do recognize this was to pay for my education and I do have a well-paying career right now because of my degree. While it would be financially tough for a while, I would be able to pay it off.
Info: I graduated almost 8 years ago and have known about the loan for approx. 7 years. Yes, my siblings also had student loans but did not have any parent plus loans specifically.”
Another User Comments:
“The parent, not the student is responsible for paying parent plus loans.
You may have been the cause of this debt, but they took it willingly on their own. From your post, it doesn’t even sound like you knew about them until after the fact, are you sure they were actually used for your school? I would reach out to the Financial Aid department at your school and find out how the funds were disbursed. If there was a parent plus loan it would’ve gone there first and any leftover balance sent to your parents as a check.
It’s a tough call to make overall based on the information provided, because if it was used for your education, it might be a bit of a jerk move not helping to pay it back, but if you weren’t aware of this debt going in it also seems unfair to make you responsible for it after the fact.
Going with NTJ.” Rhades
Another User Comments:
“It’s a PARENT loan that you were never informed of and never consented to. The money was taken out in your mom’s name and she is financially responsible for it. If she struck a deal with you to take it out for you to get the better rate and then you’d pay her back for it that would be one thing but that didn’t happen.
She chose to secretly take out money, so she can pay it back. NTJ.” KartlindWitch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This should have been discussed BEFORE them taking out these loans. Parent loans are exactly that, PARENT LOANS. My son borrowed everything he could and then I took out the rest. However, our agreement was, that as long as he graduated, we would each pay half of the total loans.
He graduated with $103k in loans, so we both have to sacrifice, but we make it work without either of us having to shoulder all the burden.” Housekeepernotamaid
15. AITJ For Asking My Brother If He's Gay After He Rejected A Girl I Set Him Up With?
“I (17M) have a brother (14M) and he’s constantly talking about how he’s tired of being single and stuff like that. My partner told me that she has a cousin (15F) and she showed her a picture of my brother and she was interested in him.
She also plays in her school’s band so I honestly thought they’d be perfect for each other as my brother plays the trombone at our school.
My partner sent me a picture of her and yesterday I showed my brother a picture of the girl and asked how he’d feel about her and told him that she plays in the band as well.
To my shock, he said that she was pretty but he wasn’t interested. I asked him if he was sure and he said yeah. So I asked him what his type of girl is and he just shrugged.
So in my mind, I was thinking like if he doesn’t even know what type of girls he likes does he even like girls?
So I just asked him if he was gay and said I could probably find someone for him. But when I said that he got like super upset with me and started crying and told me that he wasn’t. I got worried because I didn’t mean to make him cry or upset him.
My brother went to his room and my mom asked me what happened and I told her. She told me that I had no right to question his s*******y just because he denied some girl. I told her that I was only trying to set him up with someone since he asked me to and she said “That’s fine.
However, when he rejects someone you have no right to question him on why he did that.”
I tried to apologize to my brother but he just told me that it was fine and to leave him alone. This morning he’s been ignoring me and I honestly don’t know why.
I tried to apologize to him again but he just nodded his head and gave me a thumbs up. Our dad said I didn’t do anything wrong but my mom was like very adamant that I was in the wrong.
AITJ? What can I do to fix this?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – Given your goal was to follow up with suggestions of boys to go out with, I’m assuming you weren’t like, “why? Are you gay? in a taunting way. Clearly, it upset him, but you meant no harm, you apologized and tried to reconnect with him afterward.
Just give him some time and space. Ultimately it sounds like you’re a good big brother.” Living-Highlight7777
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s still young though, so maybe he’s scared of being rejected by a future partner, so when you showed him a photo it got a bit real for him?
Possibly his friends are seeing other people, but he doesn’t quite feel ready yet? If you’ve more experience, maybe he was testing the waters to see whether you’re someone he can confide in. I would leave it a while, then let him know if he has questions or worries he can talk to you and try not to mention it to your parents unless you think it’s something they really need to know about.” SallyCinnabon84
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Was leaning towards a slight YTJ but if your brother really was asking you constantly to set him up I’d probably wonder after the rejection too. You could’ve been more sensitive towards your brother when you approached the subject but I don’t think you necessarily crossed a line or were rude.
Now that you know this is a sensitive subject for your brother you would be the jerk if you keep bringing it up.” kerricklapton
14. AITJ For Prioritizing My Husband's Visiting Time Over My Sister's With Our Hospitalized Daughter?
“Recently, my daughter (7f) had a health scare that required her to stay in the hospital for 5 days for tests.
Fortunately, it was something smaller and not as scary as we feared.
My daughter needed an adult to stay with her all day/night at the hospital. Only one visitor at a time in the room from 1 PM to 4 PM.
My husband can’t be with my daughter all day, because his job demands a lot and we have our other son to take care of (12M).
So we decided that I would be with our daughter all day.
During his lunch hour, he stayed with us (from 1 PM to 2 PM).
My sister and I are close, she is my daughter’s godmother and I have no doubt about her love for my daughter, she and my husband have their disagreements and are not that close, but nothing major.
When my sister heard the news, she sent a message saying that she would like to help me stay with my niece and I said that I didn’t need it, she asked if she could visit during her lunch, which coincides with my husband’s schedule.
I said that at this time my husband comes to see us, but that she would be welcome at any time.
She said she couldn’t do it at a different time, as she had to work, and asked if she and my husband could alternate a few days.
I asked my husband about this and he made it very clear that this is the only time he can and wouldn’t give up, especially at such a stressful time (at the time we didn’t know it was something minor).
I responded to my sister saying that unfortunately, this schedule wouldn’t work because of my husband, but that she was welcome at any other time.
She said that we were being unfair because she would also like to see her goddaughter at this delicate moment and it wouldn’t hurt to give her a little time and she mentioned that maybe he would think differently if it were anyone else.
I was honest here saying that this wasn’t about her and that I would give preference to my husband when visiting, but she is free to go at other times, but if that’s not possible, she will have to respect that my husband comes first.
She was not happy and said that we could compromise on her spending some time with my daughter, but we decided to be selfish and not realize that other people who also love my daughter very much would like to have time to see her.
In the end, she managed to leave work early one day and stayed with us for 30 minutes, but to this day (1 week later) she is still upset and avoids long conversations with me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like she likes testing your loyalties where your husband is concerned. She is the jerk 100%.
1. Parents will ALWAYS trump other family members in situations like these. It’s your child. 2. Your daughter should be EVERYONE’s priority. I’m sure she loves her aunt but most kids just want their mom & dad close when they’re unwell/in a new environment/emotional times.
You are the two people she trusts the most in the world. 3. She made time in the end…. So she had alternatives, your husband didn’t. She wanted the lunch time because it was more convenient for her schedule. How selfish and entitled do you have to be to demand parents (going through a super scary and stressful time) make time for you?” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A parent is a more important relationship than an aunt. If one of my children were in the hospital I would want to see them as much as possible; if work limited that to an hour a day, I’d not give up that hour for anything.
The sister was fine to ask; it was fine of her to offer. It’s not OK for her to expect the parent to give up his time with his ailing daughter. If it’s a healthy relationship I’d expect the girl would rather see her father than another relative – even a close one.” DueIsland2983
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your sister was completely wrong to even suggest your husband preclude a visit. This is his DAUGHTER! His child! While he was attempting to take care of his other responsibilities (job, other child), he wanted to be with HIS KID while she was in the hospital. Being the best time was his lunch hour, of course he would get precedence.
Your sister is the selfish one to think that a parent should come in second in this instance for any amount of time. Period. Yes, she loves her niece/goddaughter, but again, this was his child who was hospitalized, potentially with something serious. Glad you held your ground.
I am sure your husband felt bad enough only being able to be there for his wife and child in the limited time he had. Sis needs to get over herself.” Odd-End-1405
13. AITJ For Confronting My Dad About His Fat Shaming Comments Towards My Little Sister?
“I’m 23F. My dad has fat-shamed me my whole life. His words used to hurt me a lot as a kid and a teenage girl, and they never once encouraged me to lose weight (ironically, they made me turn to food even more for comfort).
I have a little sister. She’s 10 years old. I don’t live at home anymore, so I don’t know if my dad has ever mentioned weight to her unless he was making a comment about me in front of her.
I was visiting for a bit (I only regularly visit for my little sister, if it wasn’t for her I’d never go to that house ever again l**o) and we were watching a movie together.
My sister was sitting in between my dad and me on the sofa. A little bit into the movie, while we were eating some small snacks, he randomly put his hand on my sister’s thigh and said some stupid stuff, along the lines of, “see that jiggle?
you need to start watching what you eat, sweetheart.”
I wanted to throw something at him. I was so unbelievably mad. It’s one thing for him to say stuff like that to me, a grown adult who is used to his comments and jabs and has formed somewhat of a force field against them in all the years he’s done this to me.
But to my little sister? A 10-year-old girl???
My little sister didn’t say anything, but I could see by the look on her face that she felt awful and uncomfortable. It made me wonder if he had said things like this to her in my absence.
I know that feeling all too well, and it’s 10 times worse when you’re a little kid with little to no concept of weight and fatness and diet culture. Some of my core childhood memories are his weight-related comments to me. All I could think was “how dare he say that to her?
How dare he try to plant these insecurities in her at such a young age? How dare he do to her what he did to me?”
I waited until later when we were alone and my little sister was upstairs in her room and I just blew up at my dad, called him a jerk and a piece of crap for his little comment to my sister, told him he should be ashamed of himself for trying to destroy my sister’s self-esteem and self-worth the way he destroyed mine.
I told him that the only reason I haven’t completely cut him off is because of my little sister, but now I will not hesitate to cut him off and instead resort to spending time with my sister outside of his home, without seeing him ever.
He called me disrespectful, a disgrace, a “poor excuse for a daughter who dares to speak to her father in this way” etc etc etc but I was too angry to care at that moment. I just left to go back to my own apartment.
It’s been a day and a half. I’ve been bombarded with messages from my mother, aunts, cousins, etc all telling me that Dad informed them of what happened and that I should really apologize for how awful I was. I’d appreciate outside opinions. Did I overreact?
Was my reaction warranted or over the top? Was there a better way to address it and AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“I mean, this tells you everything you need to know: “Dad informed them of what happened and that I should really apologize for how awful I was.” Wittle baby tattled to mummy because he couldn’t handle criticism from his child.
The fact that so many turned against you in such a short time shows that he treats EVERYONE this way. EVERY. ONE. They’re all terrified of him, and they would rather perpetuate his mistreatment than challenge it. NTJ, a thousand times. I hope you’re able to provide a safe haven for your sister when they drive her into mental illness.” RickRussellTX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s crucial to draw boundaries against toxic behavior, especially when it can inflict long-term psychological harm. You’re not just standing up for yourself but for your sister’s future well-being. Staying silent would only enable your father’s harmful actions. You did what was necessary to protect your sister from the same pain you endured, and it is commendable that you’re willing to provide her with a safe space away from such negativity.
Don’t apologize for refusing to let the cycle of mistreatment continue.” BrightBellax
Another User Comments:
“Please tell me you’re not actually considering apologizing. Your father doesn’t deserve it. I’d cut off contact with him. He’s being a lousy father, and it sounds like your family is being unreasonable.
I’d tell them about what he said to you. If they don’t believe or take your father’s side anyway, cut off contact with them too. But don’t leave your sister behind. I’d hate for something to happen to her knowing how your father reacts. NTJ.
Do yourself a favor and give your daddy the finger.” Any-Impact-9962
12. AITJ For Not Prioritizing My Newly Found Daughter Over My Other Kids?
“When I (36M) was in college, I was seeing Margot.
In our sophomore year, she transferred to a different university, causing our break up. It was amicable but given our different paths, we lost touch. I’ve now been married to my wife, Cathy, for 10 years. We have 3 children: a 9-year-old boy, an 8-year-old girl, and a 2-year-old girl.
Last year, I got a friend request from Margot. Shortly after accepting, she messaged me and asked if we could talk on the phone. I found it weird but something told me to go through with it. So, I called her and she told me that she had a 16-year-old daughter, Paige.
I was in shock and at first almost didn’t believe her. She begged me to at least take a DNA test. After speaking with Cathy, I agreed. Turns out, it’s true, I do have a 16-year-old daughter who’s lived just an hour from me her entire life.
Margot says she didn’t tell me as she thought she could be a mother on her own. But now Paige was older and wanted to know me. I agreed to start a relationship with her. At first, things went pretty well. We did a lot of stuff one-on-one as well as some things with my wife and other children.
Initially, Paige wanted to spend a lot of time just us, which made sense as we had a lot of catching up to do.
I see Paige at least once a week. She usually comes down to stay with us every other weekend and I’ll go up to see her on the weeks in between, just me, not the rest of the family.
While I love my time with Paige, I do also have to balance time with my other kids. Something she doesn’t seem to understand.
I’ll invite Paige to join family things and she’ll turn it down. Or, she’ll find out I’m doing something with one of the other kids and want to come along or ask me to cancel the plans to spend time with her.
The biggest incident came this past weekend. My son had a basketball game. Paige asked if I could come hang out with her. I explained why I couldn’t but said she was more than welcome. She got irritated and said no. I offered to come up the following day.
She asked why I couldn’t just blow off the basketball game. I told her that it was important to her brother.
She said I had more time with them and they could “do without me for a few years”. I told her that absolutely was not going to happen.
I said I love her. I want to spend time with her, but I also have other kids to consider. She is always welcome to join our activities that aren’t special one-on-one days, and I’ll always make sure I spend one-on-one time. She said she never asked for little siblings and while I sympathized, I said they exist and I have to balance everyone.
I said if she doesn’t want to hang out with the other kids and my wife, that’s fine, but expecting me to blow them off isn’t reasonable. Now, she’s very upset with me.
I have offered therapy. She refuses. I’ve asked if there’s anything my wife or other kids did.
She says no, she just doesn’t want to share me. She still claims that I should put her above her siblings. I can’t do that. AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She never asked for siblings but you never asked to have a daughter hidden from you for 16 years (though that’s not her fault but her mother’s.) You’ve shown a lot of care and compassion but you are correct that you have to balance everyone.
You were correct to tell her that you aren’t going to dump your family for her and I agree with you that she could use some therapy. I would get therapy. Make those appointments, pick her up and the two of you can be in therapy together for your one-on-one time.
I think it would help a lot for a neutral third party to assist her in navigating this new relationship and its complications. Reach out to her when there are family events that you can bring her to. Invite her every single time. Let her be the one to decide whether to engage with your family or not but keep offering.
She’s going through a lot and I think it’s really lovely of you to accept her so quickly and try to integrate her into your family, just don’t give up.” Swimming-Fix-2637
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all, but I can understand why your daughter feels that way.
Suddenly she has a dad, and she’s missed out on all these years of having a dad. Perhaps seeing you with your younger children/her siblings only reminds her of the time and experiences she’s already lost with you. I think therapy is in order, whether or not she thinks she wants it.
Perhaps family counseling where you two go together.” fallingintopolkadots
11. AITJ For Refusing To Attend My Friend's Wedding Because She Didn't Invite My Transgender Partner?
“So, I (28F) have been friends with Lynn (29F) since meeting in college, and despite our differing views, we’ve always been close. Lynn recently got engaged, and as she began planning her traditional and somewhat conservative wedding, I knew there might be some challenges.
When the wedding invitations arrived, my heart sank as I noticed that my significant other, Jake (30M), wasn’t included. Concerned, I called her, hoping it was a mistake with printing or something, only to hear her say, “Oh, I totally forgot to include Jake on the guest list. But you can still come, right?” I hesitated, knowing that the issue wasn’t just an oversight.
Jake is transgender, and I was aware of Lynn’s more conservative views on gender and relationships due to the fact that for years we’ve specifically argued over Jake being trans. I knew that she felt it was unnatural for people to stray away from the gender they were born with and I did feel that was the deeper motivation.
I explained how important Jake is to me and that excluding him felt like a rejection of our relationship. Lynn brushed it off, claiming that they were already over the guest limit and didn’t want to complicate things (I knew this was untrue because she herself told me weeks prior that she wasn’t limiting the number of people that could attend).
Unable to go without Jake, I made the difficult decision to skip the wedding. As the date approached, Lynn reached out again, asking if I would reconsider. I stuck to my decision, trying to convey the impact her exclusion had on him, and me as an extension due to the fact that I was not willing to let it slide that she deliberately left him off the list. Now, our mutual friends are divided, with some accusing me of making it about politics and others supporting my decision to stand up for my relationship.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you should’ve dropped this “friend” a long time ago. Specifically when you mentioned, “due to the fact that for years we’ve specifically argued over Jake being trans”. Does Jake know this? I can’t imagine he would want to support a wedding for a woman who doesn’t support him as an individual. As for your friends accusing you of making this political, ask if they got a plus one and how they would feel if their long-term partner or spouse were excluded.” jaywild
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As is said often on here, an invitation is not a summons. You don’t have to go for whatever reason, and in this case, you have a very good reason. You’re not the one making this about politics – she is, and it’s a terrible thing to do.
At this point, her politics/bigotry is starting to hurt the people close to you, and if you ever needed an excuse to ‘nope’ out of the friendship, it’s your lucky day.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
10. AITJ For Telling My Bio Mom's Family I Don't Have A Room At Her House?
“I’ve lived with my dad my entire life. He married my mom when I was 2 and she’s all but adopted me (15f).
My biological mom lives about 5 miles away with her husband and their kids (12f and 8m). I don’t live with her, never have, and probably never will.
I visit her sometimes, like once a month, but we both know she’s not my mom. I’ve called her by her first name since I was like 5. I don’t have a room or a bed at her house and there are no pictures of me in there.
My biological mom talked me into going to some family party with her and her family. I don’t know anyone there so I was mostly just hanging out with her while I was there. She started talking about how I never see her and it took an act of God to get me to go to this party so I told her to show them my room.
She tried to show them her daughter’s room so I said “no, that’s Amanda’s room, see the A by her bed?” and she was out of rooms after that because it’s only a 2-bedroom house. She pulled me aside and said to stop and that I was making her look bad so we went back and I told her siblings that I wasn’t allowed to talk about not having a bed at her house anymore because it makes her look bad.
Apparently, that wasn’t good enough either because she tried telling me to give her my phone. I reminded her that she’s not my mom then called my mom and told her to pick me up.
My mom picked me up and she’s really mad at my biological mom for all of this but my dad says it sucks but I should’ve taken it since I’m probably never gonna see these people again.
I’m not in trouble but they can’t agree whether I was right or wrong so I wanted to know if I was the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wanted to put up a facade about your relationship for her guests. You showed them the truth.
You didn’t make her look bad – she made herself look bad. If she didn’t want to feel embarrassed she could have 1.) not brought it up to her guests. 2.) done the bare minimum of getting you an air mattress for your visits. 3.) bought bunk beds or a Murphy bed. Maybe tell her you won’t do overnight visits, or just avoid visits until she makes some actual effort in your relationship.” savinathewhite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she doesn’t like the consequences of her relatives seeing that she’s a lying sack of crap, then she should stop lying. My parents used to do stuff like this to me a lot when I was younger, telling lies about me in public to disparage me to their friends and acquaintances.
It stopped when I finally got tired of being the family scapegoat and started calling them on their bullying in public. When I left home for university, our interactions dwindled to occasional phone calls. They have to lie to their friends about me now because they know nothing about my life and never will.
They lost that privilege a long time ago. OP, shake the Egg Donor and her family off your shoes like dust and live your best life with your family that loves you.” Saucy_Lamb
Another User Comments:
“You are absolutely not the jerk. I have a biological mother, an adopted mom, a stepmom, and a mother-in-law.
My biological mother tried to be “look at how Christian I am, the child I gave up for adoption from a relationship I had with a married man…. I’ve invited her to my family gatherings and I pray for her… look I’m a good Christian … also I hate your transgender son… but I’m a Christian so Jesus loves me.
Grosssssss My family is my family. I found her so I could learn my medical history, and learn about how I came to be….and honestly, I wanted to look like someone I was related to. I definitely should never have opened that Pandora’s box.
She’s a psycho…so are my half-siblings. I have 3 other mothers who love me and my children. You have a mother who loves you. She has shown you, that she loves you and will be there for you. That is your mom. Don’t look back.
That woman (your biological mother) showed you who she is. And believe her. Forget and forgive (if you feel like you need to forgive her, for your own inner peace …) and move on.” RusselTheWonderCat
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Neighbour Build His Dream House Closer To My Property Line?
“So, I’ve recently built a small house on a small block in a new development.
It’s my first ever home and I’m really proud of it. My partner has moved in and we’re starting to really make it feel like a home. My house was one of the first completed on my street, and I was the first person living on the street.
My next-door neighbor has a slightly larger block than mine, and I met him over a year ago when he was checking out his block — really nice guy. He told me about how he was planning to build a two-story house that he had designed himself.
Fast forward to a few weeks back when he had his block cleared and fences put up, I received a message from him asking for his support to go to council to build closer to the boundary line (on my side) than the restrictions allow.
My thoughts were a little scattered, being a people pleaser, however, considering his home was already a double story, much larger than mine, and it was my side I sent what my partner and I thought was a very sensitive, understanding reply saying I just simply didn’t feel comfortable with it.
A few days later he replied with a shadow map, showing how the shadows would encroach on my property. Granted, it didn’t look that bad, but I still replied caringly saying I just couldn’t sign off on something that would ultimately devalue my home and it has nothing to do with me wanting to create a difficult situation for him.
He replied yet again, asking if I could compromise and ‘meet him in the middle’ of the boundary set by the estate, and what he wanted.
I’m a little lost as to what to say, as I feel like I’ve made my stance pretty clear.
I already feel bad and awkward for having to say no to someone planning their dream, but I had my own set of mind-numbing regulations to go through when I set my home up, too. I also do not want any animosity or to have a neighbor that hates me, which the idea of sucks…
So, am I the jerk? And what should I say?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – his “dream home” doesn’t fit on his lot. If he’s making this all custom, he can ask his architect to make it a little smaller so it fits or he can find a bigger piece of land.
The fact that he came up with the original plan with the assumption that you’d be accommodating to the detriment of your own home value is presumptuous and absurd. You have been nothing but polite and accommodating up until this point.” lyrical_llama
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t have to do anything at this point. This guy is simply not accepting the answer that you provided. There is no need for you to continue the exchange. Simply ignore him. As for your not wanting a neighbor that hates you…your neighbor will feel how he feels.
Nothing you can do about how someone else feels. The easiest solution for your neighbor is to build a house that fits the lot. This isn’t your problem to solve.” formerpe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The setbacks are there for light, air, and open space.
Depending on your jurisdiction, the council, zoning board, or planning board may grant the variance if no one speaks against it. You may want to attend the meeting and speak against the variance. Give your potential neighbor a heads-up that you are going to the meeting.
You recently bought with the understanding that there are setback requirements.” Icy_Department_1423
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner's Ex To Enter Our House Without Permission?
“I (34f) have been with my partner (37m) for 5 years, living together for 3.5 years, with my stepdaughter (7f) who we’ll call Jess, 50% of the time, basically alternating days at our place & her mom’s.
Jess has the code to our house because it is her home too. Every once in a while, but lately, more often, her mom has been forgetting to get Jess’s stuff (like skis or skates) when neither my partner nor I are home.
The time before last his ex said Jess’s skis were at our place.
He told her to wait until I got home from work, about 20 mins (I did leave early) & I would go downstairs & grab them. Jess is too small to carry her skis & all the gear herself. When I arrived they were already in the house.
Both my partner and I were unhappy about this, but his ex had stayed upstairs at the door. We didn’t have the skis, they were at his ex’s house.
Today Jess had a skating field trip with her mom, we didn’t know about it. Jess & her mom came to our place & Jess said they looked everywhere together.
Her mom did end up calling my partner, but he had terrible cell service. The skates were in our bedroom. Jess told me today that her mom handed her the green bag with her skates. Which meant that his ex was inside our bedroom & would have had to walk into our room, around the bed to the closet.
When Jess said that I was very surprised and said “your mom was in our bedroom?” Jess backtracked saying that her mom just stood at the door looking inside for the skates & that Jess had actually grabbed the bag.
I don’t know if this is dramatic but I feel very violated over this.
She went into our home without permission & not only that into our bedroom. WIBTJ if I said his ex is no longer allowed in our house. His mom lives less than a block away and I was thinking of saying that if his ex needs to pick something up she would meet his mother at our house and wait outside.
Jess is always allowed in, but his ex is not. I feel very strongly that it is my home and my safe space.
After I moved in he did have to set a lot of boundaries with his ex, like not just walking into our house as if she still lived there and taking a seat in the living room.
She wouldn’t even knock.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You both WERE violated and she knew that you wouldn’t approve. So did “Jess,” so she’s partially at fault. Why do you think she backpedaled!!! Your SO needs to reset those boundaries. You both should also get security cameras and a system that would allow you and your SO to unlock the door with your mobile devices instead of “Jess.” You can then see who is at the door and entering your home.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“I don’t understand why a 7yo needs to know the code to the house. They are 7. She shouldn’t be at home alone. It could also be a safety concern if she tells a friend and someone overhears or does something like give the mall Santa the code because you don’t have a fireplace.
She’s 7. She would not be to blame. Y’all would be because you trusted a 7yo with this information.” idkifyousayso
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Jess is obviously too young to understand boundaries when it comes to your home and her mom, and I think as such Jess should not even have a code.
I understand it’s her house too, but I think until she understands, she shouldn’t be entering your home unless she is with either you or her dad. If she needs to come by and get something when on mom’s time, then it’s too bad, so sad, next time you’ll remember.” FriedNoseGold
7. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Skip School For Our Daughter's Birth?
“I (F26) and my husband (30M) have an induction scheduled for us Monday, February 12th at 8:00 pm, to have our first daughter. My husband who is a veteran and going to school full-time uses his GI Bill that allows him to go to school as a full-time job.
He also has 100% disability (whoever knows about the VA Disability KNOWS) and since I’m not working this month well, all we have is his income. I do have my business on the side that makes income so we are stable for the month of February.
However, the spring semester starts tomorrow at our nearby community college. He can go to his first classes of course since I am scheduled for later evening Monday, but the following day he also has a set of new classes that he needs to be present, or else he gets dropped. We have been arguing back and forth that he cannot miss Tuesday since he NEEDS to go to SCHOOL.
Which I totally understand but what is most important? My daughter may be an overnight induction, and he feels the need to be gone and prefers my mother to be present while he is gone. I told him he could simply message his professors and explain to them about me being and labor and possibly be excused, but he says he CAN’T MISS and has to be gone the next day.
We have had heated arguments and he keeps bringing up the idea he won’t be there and I need to******* up since he needs to make money, and my mother will have to replace him during our daughter’s birth. Am I the jerk for telling him not to go to school and having to force him to be present throughout the whole process of labor?
Or am I overreacting, mind you this is both our first baby and I am being induced because I’m at a high-risk pregnancy, and if my body cannot dilate we must go into emergency c-section.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re the jerk but if you’re being induced Monday night you likely won’t give birth until late Tuesday or even weds.
Depending on the method of induction, it can take a long time and there’s not much for him to do to support you until you are in active labor. You said if he misses these classes he will be dropped so he should go to class he can always leave if need be.” jellydear
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. His being in school is what’s keeping food on the table and a roof over your heads. So yes, if attendance is mandatory in order for him to stay in school, then yes he needs to go.” Old_Inevitable8553
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here you are understandably stressed and want your husband with you. But he needs to be in school and meet his unit requirements. Typically, students on GI Bill who are not in good standing and meeting all of their requirements do not get their benefits, so he is insisting on going to school because he needs to provide for you and the new baby.
It is a tough situation and unfortunate timing, but your mother can be with you, and this is a situation where it is better to be safe than sorry. He can go to class and then go back to the hospital. He may even be able to explain to the professor in person and be excused early.
Unfortunately, it is common to drop students who don’t attend the first meeting, and a lot of faculty are bad about responding to emails before courses start. Ideally, your induction date would not coincide with the start of his classes.” bookybooze
6. AITJ For Giving My Adult Son The Bigger Bedroom While My Teen Sons Share A Smaller One?
“Last week, myself and 4 of my children moved into a 4 bedroom house. As there are 5 of us and only 4 bedrooms my teenage sons are sharing a bedroom. They are 17 and 13. Myself, my 12-year-old daughter, and 27-year-old autistic son have our own rooms.
The boys have shared a bedroom all their life, until last summer when my 22-year-old daughter moved out and one of them took her room.
Now that we’ve downsized, they’re unhappy about sharing a room again.
The house has two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. One of the bedrooms is tiny and is my daughter’s room and the other is mine so we can share the same bathroom.
There are also two bedrooms and a bathroom downstairs.
One is around the same size as my bedroom and the other is around 5 feet wider. The smaller bedroom is still a decent size with enough room for two double beds and the rest of their furniture.
In the end, I decided to give my teens the smaller bedroom for a few reasons.
- My 17-year-old is a senior in high school and will be going to college in the fall, at which point my 13-year-old will have the room mostly to himself other than during school breaks.
- My 27-year-old has a part-time job and pays me $150 in rent a month.
- My 27-year-old also spends more time at home/in his room than his younger brothers. I’m planning on getting him a couch and his own TV set up so he can have his own living space in the room. My teens are very active and have never spent a lot of time hanging out in their rooms even when they each had their own.
- Although my 13-year-old doesn’t see his dad, my 17-year-old does. He has his own room at his dad’s house and although he spends more time at my home he still stays with his dad somewhat frequently.
Despite all the reasons I’ve listed, the teens have expressed that they are unhappy that they have been given the smaller room.
They think as there are two of them, they should have gotten the bigger bedroom. My 13-year-old is the most annoyed of the two and was texting his older sister complaining. She talked to me about it and took their side and suggested it seems like I’m playing favorites by giving their older brother the bigger room.
I understand their argument but also don’t think a few extra feet of space is going to heal their frustration about sharing a room again.
I am willing to listen to criticism about this and possibly change things around. Am I being the jerk and should I switch their rooms before my older son gets too settled?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I think you miss the major wrong in your thinking. Consider this: The larger room should go to the two teens because not only are they sharing a room, but an even smaller space together. Your adult son being the only single here can surely take the smaller room as he will get privacy either way.
Giving your younger sons more space will hopefully lessen their frustration with having to share. And as far as giving your adult son a couch, a TV setup and that whole shebang looks like you are favoring him over the younger two, he doesn’t need that IMHO.
So bad move I think. Switch them.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know if you’re the jerk or not but yes, you need to change things around (at least for now). Kids sharing should have a larger bedroom. On the spectrum or not, the 27-year-old can have the smaller bedroom for now and go without a couch.
A TV hooks to the wall so space doesn’t matter there and there are plenty of space-saving things that can be done to his room to allow for more living space.” sheramom4
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am assuming this is long-term housing for your older son.
He is paying rent and you are setting up an apartment so he can have some privacy and dignity. $150 a month is a lot for a part-time worker – and he deserves to feel like another adult in the home, not another kid. Your kids are not entitled to their own rooms. I’m sure they will complain – I am still annoyed I never got the room that was 2x as big as mine when my sister went to college.
Being a kid is tough and you are right a couple extra feet is not going to make them sharing a room any better. I do think you should hear your kids and try to figure out how to give them space. Maybe another area in the house where they can be unbothered if they need to be alone.
Maybe offer your room for one of them to do homework and be able to shut the door. Maybe set up a schedule where they can have the rooms for an hour or two alone a day. Get them really good earphones so they can exist in the same space.” urbancrier
5. AITJ For Refusing To Be In A Photo As My Grandpa's Wife's Grandkid?
“My dad’s dad (grandpa) is married to a woman called Joan.
Grandpa and Joan married when my dad and aunt were kids. Their mom had died and my grandpa and Joan really made a mess of how they introduced Joan. There has always been bad b***d between my dad, aunt, and Joan. There used to be between them and Grandpa but some of that got worked out enough that by the time we (their kids) were born, Grandpa was allowed some contact with us.
It was really only once or twice a year at most. We saw Joan way less and she was never viewed as a grandparent by any of us. She was never referred to as a grandparent. She was just Joan, the lady Grandpa was married to.
Grandma is their mom who we never got to meet.
We’re all teenagers now. I’m 16 and my brothers are 14 and 13. And my cousins are 15 and 14.
I guess Joan has some health issues or she was ill for a while. I’m not sure. But she has been in and out of hospital over the last few years apparently and so Joan’s sister decided she was going to organize for a photo to be taken of all her grandkids together so she could have it with her.
Joan’s sister tried to get us to be part of it but we all said no. She actually reached out to me and my oldest cousin (15 year old) to ask on social media. She sent us both the same message basically asking why. My cousin ignored it but I responded that we’re not her grandkids and none of us consider her a grandparent so we’re not going to agree to be in the photo.
She went nuts on me and my dad had me block her and then he called Grandpa and yelled at him for it. Some of what she said though. She made a point of saying we’re all old enough to want to know someone who never did anything wrong to us and always tried to be welcoming and loving.
I guess it made me wonder if I’m the jerk for what I replied with?”
Another User Comments:
“INFO: The most important question here is, outside of your father’s beef with this woman, do you like her? Do you kinda like her, but feel like it would be like betraying your dad to acknowledge her?
Has she been pushy in trying to get you to acknowledge her as grandma prior to this? Are you just generally neutral/apathetic towards her, so doing something like this doesn’t feel worth the hassle? Would showing up for this pic on a whim start a fight with your dad?
Honestly, no jerks here. To the sister who assumes you’re all much closer than is reality, you guys probably seem super callous because she’s “grandma.” But if she’s just a lady you see once a year or so, with the same or less emotional connection than a distant cousin you only see at reunions… yeah, I get it.” Ryuugan80
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I mean, as you said you never really had a relationship with her, if you rarely saw your grandpa and way less Joan that, to me, means basically no contact. I’m sorry, maybe it’s just me but I can’t see the logic behind you, your brothers, and cousins posing for a photo for someone you barely know.
Ok, she’s your grandpa’s wife and she’s ill, but that doesn’t mean you have to do something you don’t want.” Shoddy_Kick2395
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What about meeting halfway…. You and your brothers, and even your cousins (if possible) do a photo together. (If not possible, just do you and your brothers, and get your cousins to do their own.) Send a really nice get-well card to Joan, signed, and wishing her the best. I mean, if she hasn’t hurt you in any way, it’s a really nice gesture for someone who is important to your grandfather.
It is minimal effort, and takes away the ‘fakeness’ of the weird group ‘grandkid’ photo.” Canadian_01
4. AITJ For Hiring Domestic Help Against My Wife's Wishes?
“My wife (35f) and I (37m) have been together for 6 years and have two kids together (4m). We met when she was a college student in my country. We hit it off, moved in together, and started our family.
Last year, we moved to my wife’s country in South America because she wanted to be closer to her parents who are old. I was reluctant because I had a good career in my country (80.000 euros salary per year) and I didn’t think I would earn as much in her country.
However, because my company found it difficult to replace me, they offered me a 2-year contract to work remotely at the same salary.
This is a very good deal because the cost of living and salaries are very low in my wife’s country so we are actually rich here.
I decided to use some of the money I’m earning to hire domestic help to do all the cleaning and cooking in the house. The helper’s salary is very low so we can easily afford it. I don’t like doing housework but we had to do it ourselves in my country because help was very expensive.
My wife is opposing this decision. She grew up poor so she had to do all the housework at home and thinks we should be doing the housework ourselves without any outside help so that our kids learn to be responsible and don’t think this work is beneath them.
I don’t agree with her logic. Because of this helper, I can earn more money for the family and spend time with the children instead of working some nonsense job for a pittance. Our children can also observe the helper and see how to do different work in the house if they need to learn.
My wife is still arguing with me and is saying we are not setting a good example for the kids. I told her she can do all the work by herself if that is her main concern. I already work nightshift in my job because of time difference and I don’t want to waste valuable time with my family doing extra work when we can pay someone else to do it for us for cheap.
She is acting grumpy and her side of the family is calling me a lazy good-for-nothing for not listening to her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re both right, but your wife is correct that your kids will have to learn to take care of themselves since they will not have the same job opportunities as you.
Even you may not have your job, once your contract is up. Better to do the chores and start saving now.” ThinkingInfestation
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. I don’t much like your attitude about this, but you can get the kind of housekeeper who doesn’t clean EVERYTHING.
We always had to clean before the housekeeper came, which fell under “kids’ chores.” My mom preferred the way she did windows, so she did the windows. They’re not live-in palace maids who walk around behind everyone picking up every flake of dander.” LeamhAish
3. AITJ For Not Making The Correct Pasta?
“My sister’s situationship recently got upgraded to the real deal and she insisted that it was time for me to meet her partner & her partner’s daughter, who is 11 and autistic with high support needs.
Over the course of several conversations, this plan morphed into them all coming over to my place for dinner.
Sis let me know in advance that the daughter “pretty much only eats spaghetti with butter (no pepper) and uncrustables,” which was fine. The grown-ups could have pasta primavera and she could have her own bowl of buttered noodles.
I don’t know why but when my sister said spaghetti, I thought she meant pasta in general, so I made dinner with bowties that I had on hand.
They arrive for dinner and the daughter won’t eat her buttered noodles because they’re the wrong shape.
Her mom asks if I have any spaghetti and I’m like uh…I have fettuccine that is still in a box in dry form? I offer to make a pb&j after dinner and make it look like an uncrustable, but that won’t work because she eats the strawberry jelly kind and I only have grape jelly (and an ancient jar of strawberry rhubarb jam from the back of the pantry that is obviously a nonstarter.) She asks me to go ahead and try the fettuccine and I’m like sure, I will get right on that as soon as I am done eating.
Both my sister and her partner are not happy with the lack of urgency, I’m not happy with being asked to let my dinner get cold while I cook a second meal because a kid won’t eat her favorite food when it’s a different shape, and by now the vibe of the whole evening is in the trash.
They end up leaving so the daughter can go have spaghetti at home, and my sister is upset because that was a disaster and it’s all my fault because she CLEARLY said spaghetti. I’m like…I’m sorry! I genuinely did not realize that bowties and spaghetti were completely different and never the twain shall meet.
She’s like, you don’t understand how much picky kids and especially autistic kids need everything to be just so. And I’m like, yeah I obviously don’t understand, so why did I end up being the one who had to take the lead on this dinner?
Now we’re at an impasse.”
Another User Comments:
“This one is a tough one. I think it is a bit of everyone is a jerk. Your sister knows her partner’s daughter has sensory issues with food. Eating out is going to be hard. I think your sister should have hosted the meal. Your sister did say spaghetti, and you didn’t realize that the shape of the pasta was important.
Maybe you have never dealt with a child on the spectrum before. Your sister could have emphasized that the type of pasta was important. I get that you didn’t want to let your food get cold. No one likes cold food. It is also very hard for a child to watch others eat while they do not have any food.
Did you get up and start more hot water, and then return to your meal? If the water was boiling, could you have set a timer for the pasta, and returned to your meal?” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m on the spectrum and had this exact type of pickiness; I remember one instance where I thoroughly did the same thing lol we went to a fancy place a friend of my mom’s owned; they made me pasta which wasn’t even on the menu and I wouldn’t eat it because it was spaghetti noodles and not penne.
But my mom chalked it up to “she’s a fussy eater,” gave me some bread off the table and I waited till she and my sister had eaten, paid and after we left she got me a burger from Mickey Ds. I didn’t starve to death and I learned how I’m the “oddball” and the polite thing to do was deal with the pickiness later.
I hate when people act like kids with autism don’t need to know this; we do, if we ever want to have a chance of fitting into society. I know I’m the oddball; I’m not ashamed of it and never felt bad for it; but I learned social etiquette and how to just blend in.
I’m sure plenty of parents of autistic kids will have a different opinion, but we don’t want to stand out or be labeled differently; learning the social norm is important and your sister should’ve stressed how important the shape was since she’s apparently so aware of the issues.
She fumbled the ball here and wants to blame you.” AlleyOKK93
Another User Comments:
“YTJ in many ways. You were the host who was specifically told of the special needs of the 11-year-old. If making the type of pasta she habituates on was too much for you then you should have bowed out of hosting duties.
Then, once it was brought to light that you hadn’t made the agreed-upon food, you were a bad host and sat on your backside and ate instead of correcting your mistake for a guest. Finally, you were a total jerk to treat the whole thing like it was the 11-year-old’s willful refusal to “eat her favorite food because it is a different shape” when you were told from the beginning about her diagnosis.
People with ASD aren’t just acting out like spoiled brats. Again, if you are that ignorant you just should be removed from any potential hosting to avoid people having to deal with your attitude.” Signal_Wall_8445
2. AITJ For Accidentally Outshining My Sister-In-Law At Her Wedding?
“This happened at my (f26) husband’s sister’s (f31) wedding, she got married last week.
Please don’t think of this as bragging. I have always been considered physically attractive, people have always told me that. It has its perks and its cons. I had a hard time because of this when I was at school because let’s say that I was a stereotypical cheerleader.
My point with this is that often other people either only paid attention to me because of my appearance or they thought everything I did was against them (this was a big issue amongst girls, which I think might have something to do with this as well).
So well, the conflict. My husband and I got invited to the wedding, it was at a very fancy location, truly a very beautiful wedding. So I decided to dress up a little bit. I had a baby three months ago, I wore a dress with cleavage.
When she and her husband were busy catching up with friends, some family members came and complimented my outfit with the always so-necessary comment about how good I look because I’ve lost most of my baby weight, you know how much people like to talk about that.
Then the other incident was because we didn’t bring our baby with us to the wedding. One of my friends was babysitting for us since she lives nearby, he only breastfeeds so she had to drive him twice so I could feed him. The first time was when they were giving speeches, so I went to the car, breastfed him and she left. Then the second time some people wanted to see the baby so as we were outside (because of the music) some of our family came to greet my baby.
The thing is that my other SIL posted photos of the wedding, she posted one of me and her which said “with the prettiest doll” because she calls me Barbie sometimes.
My SIL thought that was very nasty, she posted on IG saying that no matter what, some people always want to shine brighter than others and steal the spotlight even on special occasions.
I saw that and I sent her a text like “hey, is everything ok?” She didn’t answer that day but the next saying that I can’t possibly be this tone-deaf and that the post was about me. I was like what??? And she said that because “people” were posting and talking about how pretty I looked at her wedding, how good I look, how lucky my husband is, how pretty my baby is… You get the idea.
I told her “sorry, but I don’t really see how that has anything to do with me.” She said that I’m doing this on purpose and to back up her argument she said that in the photo I posted people were commenting on that kind of stuff.
She insists that I wanted to outshine her by basically looking prettier and having people coo at my baby…
So I think this just might be that female competition because I’ve seen it other times. It wouldn’t be weird to me if she thought that my dressing up or losing weight was something I’d done to purposely harm her because it has happened to me before.
But I don’t want to be too harsh and I want to give the benefit of the doubt because maybe I was wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I will NEVER understand why women are so darn competitive and get upset with people for not being 100% attentive to the bride on her wedding day.
Your baby never came into the wedding or reception. You went outside to deal with it. If you went outside and someone saw the baby, ok. If there was a lull in the reception, people are allowed to go outside. I’ve been to receptions where people went to smoke, or check out the grounds, etc. It’s not like everyone stayed in one place all day.
And being mad because people saw a BABY. This is so ridiculous.” cuervoguy2002
Another User Comments:
“I mean I just don’t believe that people were going out of their way to say “how gorgeous” you were at the wedding after the fact. You’re just kinda into yourself BUT you are completely the jerk for bringing the baby at any point.
You knew that would take the spotlight, you should’ve been the one to leave, not go, or pump. That made you the jerk. Overall though you have an air of “I’m just naturally better and prettier than her so of COURSE I’m talked about.” You can’t control others but it sounds like you didn’t take any steps to mitigate what was happening.
It was rude for people to leave to look at your baby, it isn’t that special. Also, clearly, you made a big deal of it for people to even KNOW why you left. ” IndependentCup1843
Another User Comments:
“YTJ kind of. So do you like or dislike the attention you receive?
I ask because during the wedding it seemed like you were leaning into all the extra attention you received. You were tone-deaf if you thought that this attention-craving behavior was okay. Someone who wasn’t tone deaf would have deflected the attention back to the bride, AKA the actual focus of the wedding.
You should have never acquiesced to people demanding to see your baby. Weddings are not exactly the most sanitary events so why, other than attention, would you want a bunch of people seeing your child? I just don’t understand the behavior. What I do understand is the reaction that others had to your behavior.
You went to a wedding with a chip on your shoulder in the form of being a competitive woman. Overall, not a great look if you’re trying to appear humble. I don’t think you’re trying to appear humble and that’s the problem. As soon as you make the choice to show off your baby, everyone’s reaction to your other behavior makes sense.” BeardManMichael
1. AITJ For Not Inviting My Introverted Wife To A Famous Bookstore With Our Friend Group?
“My wife and I have been together since college.
About 13 years at this point. Our friend group, there are four of us couples, are also from the same school. We all met in the dorms our freshman year. While my wife gets along with everyone and would consider everyone in the group her friend, she has her own different friend group that she puts more effort into, which is okay!
I’m glad she can have multiple friend groups.
Now every year or two, we have always tried to have a get-together with this group. Whether it be for one night or for an extended weekend. None of us having kids makes this relatively easy before anyone asks.
Now as I said, my wife is friends with this group but is a bit different than everyone else. While I and the three other couples are interested in being outside, going to events, and more extroverted activities. My wife is much more introverted. On our first couple of trips, we would make plans to do things, and the group would offer to go with her.
She would thank everyone but just said she would prefer to stay at the Airbnb or something and read (she is a huge bookworm) and just relax. It miffed a couple of people originally, but as time went on we got used to it. We would do our thing and my wife would stay and do her thing.
No complaints. It got to the point where my wife just said we didn’t need to ask her anymore if she wanted to go, she would just hang back. Fine by us.
Well, the last trip was about a week ago, and we did our normal thing.
We had stuff booked, and my wife had grabbed some books to cozy up to.
We went out and the city we were staying in has a pretty famous bookstore. So along our stop, we stopped there and I got my wife a book from there, and a shirt.
I figured that would make her happy.
Well, when we got back I was explaining what we did during the day to my wife. I told her we went, and I could see her expression visibly change. She then got extremely angry, I have never seen her this angry before mind you.
That we as a group were punishing her for not wanting to go out with her and we were taunting her with going to this famous bookstore. I told her that we assumed she wanted to stay at the rental like she always had, but she didn’t take that as an excuse and said I should have stood up for her, and that this was blatant discrimination against her for being introverted.
To be honest, this blowup was out of nowhere. It was just so unlike her. She didn’t want to talk to anyone for the remainder of the trip. And has barely spoken to me since we’ve been home. My friends have apologized to her for not asking but didn’t realize it would be a huge deal. One of the couples is upset she is still not talking to them, and doesn’t want to invite my wife on the next trip.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think you need to do some introspection and be completely honest with yourself about all of your motives. I think you know your wife well enough to know that she would have wanted to go to said bookstore, why not let her know that there is something she may be interested in doing rather than doing it without her?
It could be that you figured that it would be no big deal, but there also could be a portion of you that did it to “punish” her, as in “see what you can miss by not going out with us.” The few times an introvert goes out with their loved ones are important to us, you go out all the time so one missed outing is no big deal. I also get the impression that you guys don’t do any activities at all that would appeal to her, would it kill you to plan one activity a trip with her in mind?
It probably hurt to see you guys finally doing something that would interest her and didn’t include her. Also, don’t even entertain the couple that doesn’t want to invite her anymore. From that reaction, I can guess where their minds were at the whole time.” jonjohn23456
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She can’t have it both ways. She can’t tell you to stop asking her and then get mad when you don’t ask her. If she knew the bookstore was there (which it doesn’t sound like she does), why did she not say “hi, there’s XYZ Bookstore here that I want to go to“?
I get where the other couple is coming from. Why is she even going if she doesn’t do anything outside of the Airbnb or hotel? I’d be more comfortable at home reading. The whole not talking always seems so immature to me. But that’s me.” Commercial_7336
