People Just Want To Be Free Of Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

“More than a decade ago a new job took me (now 45F) to another state. At the time, my younger sister (now 33) was living with me in a home I’d bought 4 years earlier, paying minimal rent. I asked if she wanted to “rent” the entire house at cost while I figured out what I wanted to do with it (didn’t know if it would be long-term, so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to sell right away, and renting to strangers seemed intimidating).

She agreed but was in school for teaching and couldn’t afford the entire bill, so she lived there for more than a year paying well under the taxes/mortgage. She eventually got on more even footing and started paying the full cost, but there have been times over the years when the rent will be late or not the full rent for various reasons.

Time, kids, job changes, and life happened, and now 10 years have passed. My sister is still paying the same amount even as rents have boomed; she’s paying more than $1K under market rent. In the meantime, lots of stuff on the property is needing repairs/replacement, some of it really expensive.

I know this is necessary for the upkeep of the home, but typically repair costs can be covered by rent income, at least to a degree, and not my personal emergency fund.

Simply put, the maintenance costs are feeling unsustainable and I want to sell or rent out the property at market rent with a management company (if I sold it, my equity in a savings account would bring in $8K – $10K per year, so I’m leaving lots of money on the table).

The problem is that my sister has said she thinks it is wrong to “profit” off of family, and that her credit isn’t great and she thinks she will have trouble moving out.

I could see letting her stay if she could pay closer to market rate (on the low end).

I wouldn’t gouge her but I’d like to be able to build up an emergency fund to handle repairs at the very least.

In theory, I’d love to be able to continue to help out family, but I didn’t sign on with a plan to subsidize her lifestyle forever.

This has been very stressful for me, and really bad for our relationship. We used to be close but the tension has gotten to the point where we really only see each other at holidays—she usually only reaches out when something breaks, demanding it get fixed or she’ll withhold rent.

I will fully cop to being a poor communicator at points and not going into things with a plan, but is it unreasonable, after a decade of letting her live in a nice house for way less than it would have cost otherwise, to give her a few months’ deadline to figure out where she’s going to go, and go?

I’d even be willing to help pay for the move itself if money is tight. I don’t like having this much power over my sibling’s life, while also feeling powerless.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ and usually when people say don’t mix business with family – there is a reason for that saying.

While she is harping about her problems – she hasn’t tried to see how you are struggling to keep and maintain this house with its maintenance issues and not profiting at all by having this house work for you which is not business savvy.

You have played nice guy long enough – shame on her for taking advantage – if she hasn’t tried to better her situation in 10 years – likely she will not. You really need to stop trying to “help” her – you helped more than anyone would.

She needs to move out and you need to get a better renter who can pay a fair rent that could help you! Don’t let her manipulate you at all – stand strong and tell her that you helped her enough and now it’s time that you look out for your future.

If any of the family balks about it – tell them to offer help to her.” Smart-Bed7699

Another User Comments:

“NTJ, I’m so sorry you are going through this. It is such a loss to pour your generosity and love into a relationship and then find out the other person is just using you in a transactional way.

Not even saying this is your sister’s intent, but she has gotten entitled, which leads to distorted thinking, which leads to her trying to manipulate you to maintain the status quo. Manipulation is the only way to maintain the status quo. The current situation isn’t rational or fair or kind to you.

It isn’t really even helping your sister. You are enabling her to live outside her means at your own detriment. Take better care of you.” OkFinger0

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. What you need to do is reframe the argument here. She has been able to live in a property that you own paying much less than the prevailing rate for a decade.

If even during the last 3 years she has been paying $1000 less per month, you have saved her $36,000. Truth is it’s likely even more money over the total 10 years. Now, the property requires maintenance that she apparently hasn’t contributed to either. So her argument about profiting off family holds no water because she has been doing that very thing for a decade.

She has been profiting off of you for years. And unless she is willing to start footing some of the bills for the property maintenance and upkeep, or paying market rate, then she is going to have to move. She needs to understand that property ownership has expenses and it is unfair of her to think you should subsidize her life forever.

You’ve given her 10 years on your property and quite a break on the finances. If she refuses to hear you on that, ask her why she would expect even family to just allow her to save 10’s of thousands on her living expenses forever?

Especially when she comes from the philosophy that family shouldn’t profit off each other. Perhaps she has some major financial issues going on and that is why she’s acting this way too. Maybe she’s just really scared.” Special-Parsnip9057