People Ask For Insightful Feedback Regarding Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
21. AITJ For Staying Away From My Cousin And Her Family During A Cruise?
“My husband and I decided to take our kids on a cruise for spring break. When my cousin heard about it she and her husband decided to book the same one with their kids.
They kind of crashed our trip. We were very hesitant to go with them but we couldn’t exactly forbid them from going. My cousins and I are super close we grew up like sisters and I try very hard to stay close to them.
The issue is her kids are VERY badly behaved. My kids can enjoy them in small doses as can we but trying to do more than a few hours at a time with them is difficult.
She has a 9 and 6-year-old and a toddler. They throw long and LOUD tantrums until they do get their way.
They also need 24/7 entertainment or they go crazy. If they’re bored for even a minute they start crying and complaining and my cousin and her husband have to stop what they’re doing and start entertaining them to stop the tantrum. This is 100% on the parents.
We’ve never done a trip together like this and weren’t sure how her kids could handle it. But we agreed to sit with them for dinner and do the same shows as them etc. If you have never been on a cruise they seat you at the same table every night with the same people.
Well, it proved to be a mistake after the first night. They were terrible at dinner. They drew on the walls with their crayons. Purposely crumbled bread to make a mess. They used their knives to cut up straw wrappers and other things. They also kept running around the table and distributing other tables.
Their parents of course did nothing to stop this just let them do whatever.
Eventually, they got tired of that and started crying and screaming they were bored and wanted to go to the shops. They allowed them to throw a 5-minute screaming tantrum before their dad finally took them to the shops to buy some toys they wanted. Then after dinner, we went to a show and they didn’t enjoy the show and also whined loudly that they were bored. It was bad enough we were asked to leave the show.
Technically my husband and I could’ve stayed with our kids but we were too embarrassed.
My kids were upset and said they ruined the show for them. So my husband and I decided to ask for a different table for the rest of the trip and chose different activities to do.
I told my cousin that we decided it would be best to separate at dinner and not do all the activities together, but we could still hang out at the pool together and do a few activities together.
Well she was pretty upset and she said her kids got their feelings hurt that we abandoned them and that they weren’t going to enjoy their trip anymore being separated from their cousins.
She wouldn’t talk to us for the rest of the trip.
We’re back home and I got calls from my grandparents asking why we ditched her and how could we do that to them. My sister said we should’ve known that this was going to happen and set the expectation for separate things ahead of time instead of springing it on them during the cruise.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“They crashed your trip and then refused to parent their children and it was so bad they were asked to leave with no indication they would stop it in the future. That’s on them… not you and your children deserve to enjoy their trip.
So did you and your husband for that matter. NTJ and this is why we used to be terrified my aunt and uncle would show up during one of our Disney trips (they used to suggest it.). Although in that case the husband is about as badly behaved as the children.
I wish I was kidding.” KimB-booksncats-11
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop beating around the bush. There’s already drama so you might as well just be honest. Your relationship isn’t going to survive this anyway because her kids will just get worse with time. She’s trying to force people into her chaos because everyone is avoiding her.
That’s why she invited herself to your trip. Because she knew nobody would willingly go with her.
‘My sister said we should’ve known that this was going to happen and set the expectation for separate things ahead of time instead of springing it on them during the cruise.’ Oh, you mean like how the cousin did exactly this, but to the entire trip?
Ignore them. They’re the reason things got this bad to start with. If they want to enable her, your sister and family can go with her themselves. But I’m sure they won’t for the same reasons. Hypocrites.” LongjumpingEmu6094
20. AITJ For Not Including My Stepsiblings In My Memory Book?
“I (17 M) lost my dad 10 years ago.
When he got sick he started a memory book with me so that I could hold onto the memories. He did one for my sister too but she wasn’t as into it and was more into videos he made of himself. But for me? The memory book was everything and after he died I continued adding to it.
Any memory I had of my dad or our family I would add. Sometimes something came back when I found a random photo or something. Then I included memories with my sister after dad. Sometimes I included some memories of Mom but after Dad died my relationship with her was harder.
She thought we needed another dad and because we said we didn’t want another dad, she was angry with us a lot. She tried to rush a couple of relationships but they failed when the guy realized he was not getting an insta happy family.
5 years ago my mom met her husband John and they merged families. John was a single dad of 3 kids (technically he has 4 kids but one is not in his life). John’s three kids do not have an involved mom so my mom has stepped up to be their mom and they call her mom.
John has tried to step up to be my and my sister’s dad. But we see him as just a stepdad. John’s kids are just stepsiblings and I don’t love John and his kids. I don’t hate or dislike them. But I wouldn’t ever include them in my memory book, for example.
And that’s what this is about. My stepsiblings were in my room when I was in school a couple of weeks ago and they found the memory book. They wanted to know why I had it and why I didn’t have photos of their dad or them.
My mom heard them ask those questions and she demanded to look through it. While mom was going through it my stepsiblings said they wanted to add their own stuff and I said no, it’s not for them. Mom told me not to say that kind of thing to them and then she told me it should be something that shares memory of our whole family.
I told her it was my personal thing. She took it away for a few days and my sister stole it back and then I asked my grandpa to hold onto it for me.
Mom and John sat me down and said it’s not acceptable that I have a memory book that’s clearly about my family when I don’t include my whole existing family.
They said my stepsiblings were very upset that I wouldn’t add them or let them take part. They then said it should be a family thing and mom insisted I hand it back over and we all work on it together. I told them it’s not a family project.
It’s mine. It’s for me and my way of documenting memories of the people I love and they will not take it away from me.
John was mad and said, ‘Oh so it’s like that, so you don’t love us’. Mom told me she and John had the right to say what was or wasn’t a family project and once it’s in their home, that’s their decision.
She also told me I was disrespectful for talking back. They also told me it was time to man up.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And ask both John and your mom whether they really want to teach you that your own feelings don’t matter, you have to love anyone who demands it and is ‘nice’ to you in exactly the way she wants you to.
Why do your stepfamily’s feelings matter and yours don’t? You might also remind them that if they keep treating you like a doll to fit into their new family rather than a person with real feelings to be considered, they will lose you once you are old enough to make their relationship with you conditional upon being respected and treated like a person and not a doll.” Katja1236
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m glad your grandfather has it. Talk with him and ask him to hold onto the book no matter what your mother says (she might ask him to hand it back). You aren’t obligated to do a family project.
But if you want to de-escalate this issue and keep the peace for yourself knowing that your book is safe, you could buy a new book and give it as a gift to your step-siblings so you can ‘all make a family memories book together’.
Make it exciting for them (buy stickers and markers at the dollar store) so that they lose interest in your personal memory book and even if your mom wants to use it for the family, your step-siblings won’t want it. That way you are calming them down, you don’t need to add anything to your book if you don’t want to and they get to pretend they are a happy family until you move out.” SeaExplorer1711
19. AITJ For Telling My Sister The Truth About Her Parentage?
“I (24 f) have lived with my father my whole life. In my dad’s younger single days used to have a taste for married women. All of his children have been conceived with married women, including myself.
My half-brother found out the man who raised him was not his biological father after he died of a heart attack.
He met our father when he was 18. I of course grew up with him so I never doubted he was my biological father.
When I was in my teens, I noticed my father had many pictures of a young girl on his phone and thought it was very weird.
I pressured and asked and bothered him for months and he never confessed… until 2021.
We went on a trip to San Francisco to see my half-brother who came to visit from Texas, which was about a 4-hour drive from home. So finally after years of asking, a few hours of pestering, and him having nowhere to go finally made him crack.
The girl I’ve seen pictures of on his phone is my half-sister I never knew about. The biggest secret all apparently for her sake.
Her mom was married, ‘happily’ apparently. So when my sister was born she proclaimed her daughter was legitimate and my father had no say.
She lied about her daughter’s parentage and had 2 more legitimate children afterward. They moved away and lived happily ever after.
I don’t know if my father ever got the chance to hold her when she was a child. And I never got to know my sister.
And when I found out, I was told I could never say anything. I could NOT topple the sham marriage her mother had so that my sister could know the truth. I could NEVER speak to my flesh and b***d for the remainder of my life.
It would ruin her family if I did.
Years passed, and I debated. I wanted to speak to her, I wanted to know her. I had her as a friend on social media for years since before I knew who she was and it never seemed to be used. She never posted anything.
So 4 months ago, I chose to say something, thinking her social media to be dead. I thought to myself there was a 90% she would never see it. Yesterday, she opened it. She did not respond.
Her sister did and refused. Stated I was lying, there was no way.
Her mother would NEVER do that, I must be mistaken. I showed her the proof I had, and I offered to buy two 23 & Me tests, a $300 investment. For myself and her if she wanted to know, and if they refused I would leave them alone.
But I can’t shake this guilty feeling that I made a mistake. That I toppled a whole family because of the truth. So am I the jerk for opening my mouth? Should I have gone my whole life never speaking to the sister I never knew and wanted to know?
Or is it a bit of both?”
Another User Comments:
“You crossed a line by disregarding the potential emotional harm your actions would cause. The truth, while important, isn’t always a justification for hurting others. You should have found a more empathetic and tactful way to approach the situation.
You not only damage your relationship with your sister but also with her family. Your actions have consequences, and in this case, you’ve caused distress to multiple people.
YTJ for failing to consider the full impact of your choices and instead prioritizing your own needs.
You’ve thrown your sister’s family into turmoil and potentially destroyed her sense of identity. You must now face the repercussions of your actions and work to make amends, understanding that forgiveness may not come easily or at all.” IsabellaGlitz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you did was selfish but a lot of people don’t understand that there is pain in separation from kin or clan.
This applies to everyone. People are angry at you for airing out another family’s dirty laundry and potentially destroying their relationships. You were just the catalyst for something that would have happened eventually. Truth is often inconvenient and painful, it’s the mother’s fault for not having the tough conversation and just being an unfaithful woman.
There is no excuse for infidelity. If you make a mistake own up to it because it will always come back to haunt you.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, what in the world is wrong with you? Not once during your story did you consider what she wanted or how she felt or would feel.
You stated the sham of a marriage. Do you mean HER LIFE? The fact she had a father who loved her, a mom, and siblings who loved her. Honestly, you don’t even know for sure that her father doesn’t know she’s not biologically his. He might.
Your fantasy is not her responsibility to fulfill. If she reached out to you then fine tell her but if not you needed to leave this woman who is a stranger to you alone. B***d means less than nothing. Family is those who have been with you thick and thin and she has one.
If you desire a sibling relationship then reach out to your brother who knows about you and establish that. You opened Pandora’s box, and as you go forward try to proceed with grace and respect.” Specialist-Owl2660
18. AITJ For Going Home Early Because I Was Feeling Left Out?
“I (27 M) just got home about 45 minutes ago and am currently dealing with my furious partner (29 F).
We have been together since November after meeting on the Internet.
Every year, the weekend before St Patrick’s day, her friend from high school ‘Dean’ has a birthday bar crawl. Many people go; there must have been like 40 people there. My partner has known Dean since high school and she even went out with him for a bit then.
We are much older now so that doesn’t bother me.
What bothered me was that my partner barely talked to me the entire time we were there. We got to the pregame around noon and went to the first bar at like 2 PM. She kept running off with her friends and I didn’t know a single person who was there.
These aren’t friends she sees that often so I’ve never met them before. I spent most of my time at the first 3 bars looking for her. She was pretty wasted and hyper and I know she was looking forward to seeing these friends but it still felt like she ditched me.
I even expressed to her that if she wanted to go without me it would be okay because I am kind of shy and not great with large groups of people I don’t know. She insisted that I go however so I did. Only for her to not be around me most of the time.
When it came time to go to the third bar, I found her and told her I had an Uber coming back to my apartment and she could come over when she was done. I said I didn’t care at all if she wanted to stay but I was done and didn’t feel wanted at all.
She tried to get me to stay but I insisted it was all good but I just wanted to leave.
Now she is saying she’s not gonna come over and she’s mad at me for leaving. Even making snide remarks about how I don’t let myself socialize.
So was I a jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, let her be mad. Don’t engage with that conversation or go on the defensive. I will say that a relationship between an introvert and an extrovert takes a lot of love and consideration to work out ways for both people to be happy.
She doesn’t seem prepared to do that at all (she’s in the mindset of ‘my way of existing is perfect and anyone different is stupid and lesser’). In the long term, you’re going to have to consider comparability issues. For this issue though, the only way to manage it is to stay strong and calm, don’t apologize at all, and see if she comes around in a few days.” HappySummerBreeze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like she knew you are not a socializing person, you even told her to go without you but she insisted. You made it to the third bar so if you did try I would have left probably at the first bar.
She doesn’t have to be up your butt but to leave you with people you don’t know is kinda rude. I mean you had to ‘find’ her just to tell her you were leaving. But worse of all is to make snide remarks that’s a major red flag nobody should be treated badly for being an introvert.
I think you should rethink your relationship with her being outgoing and you not.” CorrectAd5276
17. AITJ For Giving My Kids The Best Life I Can Give Them?
“Until me, anyone in my family who had kids did so by the time they were 27. Generally, 21 was when my family members started having children. My parents were 19 when they started having kids, their parents were about the same age as well and my siblings all had kids before 25.
They also finish having children in their 20s and they are very conscious of that.
I (39 f) was the exception. I wasn’t married or having kids in my 20s. This was something my family all highly judged me for because they knew I did want to have children.
They all told me I was going to be so ancient when I had them and they made a big deal about me being too old for having children and not being fair to the kids because I’ll be old while they’ll still be young and how much better it is to be active and capable of running around after them and to be the active grandma when they have kids, etc. It was really toxic and my husband who was only a significant other at the time was stunned by the attitudes of my family.
I had told him how they were but it really takes hearing the crap they spew for it to sink in.
I didn’t feel ready in my 20s despite my family’s norm. We never had a lot and financially it was a struggle. I see/saw my siblings struggling and aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. That’s what was normal and part of that was they were all so young and had these bigger families (5-7 kids average) and I personally think waiting would have helped that some.
But do I judge them? No. I just wanted something different.
I’m glad I waited. I had my three children at 33, 35, and 36 years old and we are in a good place to raise them.
I went low contact with my family for several years because the comments were no longer okay with me and they couldn’t respect my decision to wait.
The number of ancient and geriatric comments I got were crazy and I was 29 when I went low contact.
Recently my siblings, and my parents to a lesser degree, have been accusing me of rubbing their noses in vacations I take with my husband and kids and the gifts we buy.
One of my sisters said her kids were mad that my oldest had their birthday party at the trampoline park and they never get to go. She told me I was really making all my niblings feel bad about it. My mom told me I act so much better than them by taking my kids on vacations ‘at such a young age’ instead of having them wait until adulthood like we all had to.
The messages annoyed me until I decided to make a group chat and I wrote to them that this ancient geriatric mom has no time for their jealousy and that I was not going to apologize for the decisions I made to wait or to enjoy being able to treat my kids.
I told them if they could not stop low contact would become no contact. They accused me of taunting them and lashing out unnecessarily.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – they are super judgemental, and jealous too. They made their choices, you made yours. And there is a difference between you ‘actively’ rubbing someone’s nose in something, like ‘we’re going to a trampoline park for X’s birthday’ ‘did I tell you about the trampoline park?’ ‘here’s pictures of all of us at the trampoline park’ ‘have you ever been to a trampoline park’?
THAT’s rubbing their noses in it. Simply having a party there and inviting them, is NOT rubbing noses. Now, their noses may be out of joint, but that’s not your fault. You’re good to go low contact. They sound incredibly toxic and jealous and you don’t need that bad energy.” Canadian_01
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did the right thing by waiting until you were ready and happy to have children, instead of rushing having them due to some arbitrary age. Having children is the decision made between you and your partner, not your family. It does sound like your family is jealous of you, but that’s due to their decisions, not yours.
Their jealousy is their problem to deal with. It’s their choice whether you go no contact with them — all they have to do is start being more respectful towards you. Time will tell whether they can get over themselves long enough to do that!” booksandmints
16. AITJ For No Longer Participating In Therapy?
“My dad put me (15 M) in therapy last year. I didn’t want to go but he told me it was something he felt I needed and it was something his wife suggested and because she’s a teacher, she’d know. Therapy is supposed to be just me and the therapist and the actual appointments are.
I even liked the therapist and we talked a lot. I was honest and did the homework they set for me. Something I didn’t know was the therapist was telling my dad everything I said to them.
I found out 3 weeks ago. I had a Tuesday appointment and things were normal. Then Wednesday my dad gets home late from work like he normally does once or twice a week and he was in a crappy mood.
He was glaring at me for about an hour and even scolded me for going to my room when my 16-month-old half-sister started fussing. He followed me up to my room like 30 minutes later and he brought up stuff I had said in therapy.
So I figured out pretty quickly that the reason my dad wanted me to go to therapy is that we’re not the picture-perfect blended family and I don’t choose to spend time with my two half-siblings who are 2 and 16 months.
The therapist asked questions about my feelings about my mom, who died, my dad, my dad remarrying, his wife, and the kids. I even had homework surrounding that. But 3 weeks ago during that appointment, I admitted that I said half-siblings because I know they are technically, but that I don’t love them or think about them as my siblings or real siblings.
This was the stuff my dad was mad about. He said saying I don’t love my siblings is ‘out of this world cruelty’ or something like that. He told me I had begged for siblings when my mom was alive and now that I have them, I don’t care because we have different moms and that’s trashy because it’s not his fault mom died, and he lost her too and the kids don’t deserve to grow up with an unloving sibling or whatever.
Dad told me therapy was meant to help me work through the mental block by letting them in but he was convinced I just didn’t care about trying and I didn’t feel bad. I asked him how he knew about all that and he told me he and the therapist talk after every appointment and he talks about it with his wife after he discusses stuff with the therapist.
He also told me his wife might not be my mom but to say I don’t care about her either was a hurtful thing to say out loud too. He told me he let that go because she’s an adult and can handle it and he thought maybe that could change with time.
But he was very clear he thought me not loving my half-siblings was unbelievably trashy and made me the kind of person who can never be good.
I was mad that the stuff I was saying was repeated right back to my dad. And that nothing I said would be kept from him.
So I go to the appointments because I don’t feel like I could say no without things getting bad, but I don’t talk now. My dad and his wife are now extra mad because I’m wasting the funds.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your therapist has violated confidentiality.
Unless you signed a paper allowing the therapist to talk to your dad about what is said in sessions, a therapist CANNOT divulge what is said in sessions AT ALL. I don’t know how provable this is, but it’s a huge deal and could lead to serious trouble for the therapist. Even so, I’d sit there with my hands folded and tell your ‘therapist’ that trust is broken and you have no intention of having the words that were supposed to be spoken in confidence used against you by your father.” NorthernLitUp
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your trust is shattered. And this is why children end up not talking to their parents. I am unfamiliar with the laws regarding patient confidentiality regarding a minor, so I don’t know if a legal line has been crossed, but an ethical one has been crossed. It would not be a bad idea for you to be upfront with your dad, stepmom, and therapist and tell them straight up, ‘I’m not participating in therapy anymore because the things I say are being used against me.’ And tell them your dad and stepmom that they shouldn’t waste their funds.
That’s the adult way to handle it. As long as you’re not abusive or cruel to your half-siblings, there’s nothing wrong with your behavior. Just get through to age 18 and go live your life.
Relationships cannot be forced. Who knows, maybe someday you’ll feel differently about the kids, and you might not and that’s ok too.
But your dad trying to force the issue is actively preventing that and also ruined your relationship with him.” beholdmytoast
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Mom During A Girls' Trip?
“My (f 35) mom (f 65) recently hung up on me and called me selfish for saying that I couldn’t commit to taking care of her if she chooses to go on this trip knowing her health issues.
Recently my family planned a girls’ trip for a birthday. The birthday is out of state and would require us to fly there and stay in an Airbnb. In November when we started planning the trip, my mom said that she couldn’t commit to going because it would depend on how she felt at the time.
(She had a car accident 4 years ago and has consistently had back and neck problems ever since. Many times she is either in terrible pain or on medication that makes her say and do odd things) After the holidays came and went with her feeling too bad to attend, I think we all just kind of silently agreed that she probably wouldn’t be able to go.
One day in January everyone was booking flights and so I booked mine too. A few days later I received angry texts from her because she felt I should have told her I was booking and she wanted to attend too. She was angry that she heard about our booking from my aunt and accused me of not wanting to be around her.
I asked if she was sure she was physically up to it, and she said that she had an ablation coming up and would be fine in 3 months when the trip was. I was very skeptical because she recently had not been well enough to even be in a car for an hour.
She said that I had no faith in her and she knew she would be up to it. So I booked the flight and she gave me the funds.
Fast forward 3 months and just last weekend she was having trouble walking at a birthday party, telling us all it was a ‘bad day’, and looked as tho she was struggling to even get her plate of food.
Today, a week later, I called to catch up with my parents about other things and she asked me again for the dates of the trip so she could mark it in her calendar. (She should already have them) We are now a month out and I do not see how she can travel.
I’m terrified that I will be responsible for getting her back to the Airbnb if she suddenly doesn’t feel well, or have to babysit her in the room while everyone else goes out walking around to dinners and bars. Additionally, I fear there could be turbulence that jolts her back and causes an injury which would somehow result in me having to take her to the hospital and stay there even longer than the planned time.
I said I couldn’t commit to looking after her health while we were there. She exploded in anger saying ‘She wouldn’t want me to have to take the time to do that’, that I am ‘mean and selfish’, and left the call.
I was on speaker phone with my dad still at this point and just started crying, he apologized, said it wasn’t his fault, and then got off the call.
AITJ for not putting more effort into assisting my mom with going on this trip?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your mom is being selfish, not you. She is willing to go and take a chance that she should not take and expects you to be willing to give up your vacation time and activities should something happen and she is unable to participate.
Maybe your dad should go too, so he is there to take care of her and then the two of them do their own thing and not be a part of the girls’ party events. If she is willing to make the compromise and your dad is willing to go… then maybe it would work.
It is unfair of your mom to expect you to be willing to do this for her. She in essence would be ruining your holiday. Good luck. Go anyway!” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Would your mom still be going if you were not able to?
No. She only wants to go because she knows that you are there to take care of her. Unfortunately having chronic illness and pain means you can’t do everything you want. You are going on this trip to have fun and it is not being planned with your disabled mother in mind.
The fact that she is so upset about you telling her you aren’t going to be her caretaker means that she knows she needs one. It would be one thing if she could take care of most things herself or would just need to stay back while the rest of you go out but it sounds like she can’t function without someone.
For this trip either******* up or try to get a refund and stay home. For the future try suggesting your mom look into some kind of nurse or aide. She can then see about having that person come on trips like this to help her.
Or she can ask someone else in the family or a friend to take on that role on future trips. I don’t think you are selfish for wanting to enjoy a trip with your family instead of being a caregiver to someone who obviously shouldn’t be going.” Rad_kerr
14. AITJ For Not Helping My Significant Other Get A House?
“I started going out with my long-time friend about 7 months ago and while I’ve always had a crush on her and loved her personality she has a recurring problem. She has a hard time finding/keeping a residence for long periods. She has no family that is responsible enough to turn to and her friends are all either moved out of state or married with children so she doesn’t have many places to turn to.
Not long after we started going out, about a week, she confessed to me she was behind on her bills. Rent, and car payment, to the point that she couldn’t provide for herself. Being a long-time friend and now significant other I helped her out by giving her $700 so she could right her sails.
That helped until she fell ill and missed a week of work so she would be behind again on payments.
She suffers from a compromised immune system so I wasn’t going to hold that against her. I gave her another $1,000 to cover expenses so she could have more than enough to make the upcoming payments and still eat.
Then her uncle ruins the relationship between her and her landlord meaning she only has a month to find a new place to live. She refuses to live with a roommate and after a month I convince my parents to let her live with us in my room rent-free.
Not long after she moves in she quits her job, they were abusive to the point of law-breaking, and she looks for a new one taking about a month to do so. I pay all her costs at this time for another $600ish. Then she lands a job at CHAIN COFFEE SHOP and needs a new wardrobe for the dress code.
I front the bill for that and the makeup for about $1000 including makeup and new clothes. She starts the job and is immediately being harassed by staff for her short height, some not even helping her get things from high shelves. She then falls ill and misses more than a week of work.
The coffee shop demands she take a leave of absence for some reason but we decide she should look into getting an older job back.
I pay her expenses for another $700-ish and she goes back to her old job.
Now, after 4 months, and able to make funds my folks want her to leave having overstayed her welcome.
But she doesn’t want a roommate and wants to get a house with me, a goal I’d been saving up for, for nearly a year at that point. Now she living with a coworker until the end of the month and will be homeless after unless I find and close on a house.
She’s upset that it isn’t happening fast enough for her but I feel I’ve done a lot for her already and she needs to square her rigging and find a place to rent with a roommate until I have enough saved up to buy a house.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have gotten a glimpse of your future and what life will be like with this woman. She’s had some bad breaks but every job is toxic, she quits or gets let go, she doesn’t want a roommate (because no one who knows her wants to live with her), and she manages her funds poorly, etc. You need to take some time and think about this situation.
You’ve been seeing her for seven months and spent $4,000 bailing her out and she’s exactly where she was when you started going out, on the verge of homelessness and holding on to a job by the skin of her teeth.” Peony-Pony
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Come on, she is bleeding you dry. $4k in 7 months? Do you have ATM stamped on your forehead? $1k for clothes and makeup to work at a coffee shop? You do realize that’s absurd right? Thrift stores and convenience stores are where she should be shopping.
And she is beyond the point where she refuses to live with a roommate. Do not rush into buying a house just for her. It’s been 7 months, and everything screams she is the center of a lot of drama and makes excuses for everything. She can’t keep a job (leave of absence = she got fired, again), she can’t keep an apartment, and she can’t keep friends.
She’s a leech, save yourself, save your bank account.” Laines_Ecossaises
13. AITJ For Telling My Son To Pay For His Own Groceries?
“I (38 f) live with my sons Lloyd (21 m) and Peter (9 m).
My dad (69 m) helped me raise Lloyd for the first couple of years, so I could complete college and get a job. I am forever grateful to my dad.
My dad loves Lloyd and he 100% has a blind spot where he is concerned. In his eyes, Lloyd can do no wrong. My dad would override my parental authority and tear me a new one if he thought I was being too strict or unfair.
I then met Peter’s father, we divorced and he passed away last year.
Lloyd spent the last 3 years trying to complete his GED, unsuccessfully. The first 2 years’ failures were my fault because ‘I did not help him enough’. I work full-time and have another child who just started school.
Last year Lloyd went to stay with my dad, who is retired, who helped and tutored him. The results were the same. When Lloyd returned home, we had a serious talk and I told him that I expected him to get a job, take some financial responsibility, and act polite and respectful.
Now Lloyd decided that he did not like my cooking and told me not to bother making him dinner anymore. That’s fine, all he wants to eat is fries, chicken, pasta, and bread. For a skinny dude, he eats like he’s hiding a family of 4 in his stomach (fast metabolism).
I ended up getting Lloyd a job via a friend. It’s hard labor and minimum wage. With his wages, Lloyd cannot afford to live on his own. We agreed that Lloyd would be responsible for paying for his groceries (lunch/dinner/snacks) and his toiletries.
I still buy all the rest. I earn a good salary, but still need to work on a strict budget. Even if finances weren’t an issue, I still would have expected the same from Lloyd as he learns crucial financial life skills (while having the safety net of living at home).
I also drive Lloyd to and from work each day (he hasn’t got his license yet) or pay for Uber if I am not able to take him. I do his laundry (though apparently, I’m a ‘jerk’ and ‘not a decent human being’ because I asked him to help me once to take the washing off the line) and he doesn’t pay rent or utilities.
Lloyd told his grandpa of my ‘abusive’ behavior towards him (we have had a few screaming matches, but he was referring to him having to spend his wages on food) and now my father hasn’t spoken to me in weeks. I sat down with Lloyd to talk about how his telling my father that ‘mom washed her hands off me and threw me to the wolves to fend for myself’ was causing problems between me and his grandpa.
He was like ‘Well yes, that is exactly what is happening’. There is no regret there. He is now trying to convince his grandpa to buy him his mini fridge and freezer… deduce from that what you like.
But this time around I’m taking a stand and have stubbornly refused to give an inch.
I am (not so) slowly becoming bitter and resentful towards Lloyd. All of this drama was just because I told my son to pay for his groceries. Am I wrong in asking this of him? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And: there seems to be something else going on here, but whatever it is, you and Lloyd living together is not good for either of you or for your relationship.
He needs a job he can get to on a bicycle and a place of his own, where he’s responsible for himself. Craigslist is a good place to look for rooms to rent for cheap. You might have to figure this all out and hand it to him on a silver platter, but if he can follow the routine, he’ll be all right.
Has he ever been tested? A 21-year-old person who hasn’t been able to complete a general equivalency exam even with support and coaching might not be able to manage on his own. Yeah, he may have issues with grief or resentment or whatever, but are you certain he can plan and execute?
Does he have all the independent living skills he will need?” Ladiesbane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I don’t understand why it would be a bad thing for him to get his fridge and freezer. That would make it easier for both you and him to manage your groceries.
I understand he may have his difficulties and that might be why he behaves badly. But your younger son should NOT be exposed to an environment in which his elder brother curses at his mother like that. It could easily lead to the little one imitating his cool brother and then you have two poorly behaved boys, not just one.
The older brother should get clear guidelines. Preferably in writing. He pays for his groceries. He gets to live for free. He does the following chores instead of rent: XYZ. Cursing or name-calling is not acceptable. If he breaks these rules, he will have to move.
Send a message to Grandpa and ask if any of this strikes Grandpa as unreasonable. If yes, then he is welcome to house the kid himself.” JaguarZealousideal55
12. AITJ For Not Letting A Kid Beat Me In A Tournament?
“I (M 16) play and take fighting games seriously and I wanted to try and play in a cash tournament for $500.
Where I am there are no big events where I live like EVO so when I saw there was a fighting game tournament where I live I had to sign up. When I got there there were little about 30 people in this gaming store so the owner of the store had to make more rules like each player had to run a set of 5 to make it longer and more fun.
(for people who don’t know, a set is when two players keep on playing until they lose or win and they have the chance to fight them again.)
Then the event started. I was doing good in the first half of the event winning most of my games.
Then I made it to the quarterfinals and that’s when I ran into the kid. His mom was right next to him because he looked young around 10-12 but I didn’t mind it at all. The first game started and I could tell he didn’t know what he was doing.
He was jumping every time he could to move and to fight so I started to counter him every time. He jumped toward me and I could tell that he was getting mad because he started to hit his buttons even harder like it would make the character hit harder.
After the whole set, I won of course and he didn’t take the loss too well because he started crying and making a scene in front of everyone and his mom started to yell at me saying ‘Why didn’t you let my son win the game!’ And I had to tell her that ‘I wasn’t gonna let him win and beat me because it was a tournament and it was for $500’.
It got broken up quickly because of the owner stepping in to break up the mother that was all in my face. But the kid didn’t stop he just kept on yelling and almost broke the controller that the store owner let him borrow.
It’s not like some basic PS5 controller. It was a razor kitsune and that’s not cheap (around $300 – $330) but some guy who was also playing took it out of the kid’s hand. The owner took the mother and the kid out of the store and we just continued where we left off like that whole thing never happened.
So I’m wondering AITJ for not letting him win and enjoy his first-ever tournament or did I do the right thing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not in the wrong here. It’s not your fault that the kid didn’t know how to handle losing.
Competitive gaming is just that – competitive. You signed up for the tournament to win, not to make sure some kid has a good time. It’s not like you were playing against a toddler who didn’t know any better – this kid was old enough to understand the rules and the consequences of losing.
Understandably, the kid was upset, but his reaction was over the top and unacceptable. And his mom shouldn’t have enabled his behavior by yelling at you for winning. That’s not how the real world works.
In a tournament, you play to win. That’s the whole point.
You didn’t break the rules or do anything unethical – you just played the game better than the kid did. It’s not your job to make sure everyone else is having fun. Don’t feel guilty for winning. You did nothing wrong. The kid and his mom need to learn how to handle defeat with grace and maturity.” HannahHeartz
Another User Comments:
“Hello – teacher here. NTJ. The child needs to learn some self-regulation skills. He should be able to handle losing a game at his age and his mother should be helping him learn coping skills for dealing with that frustration/disappointment and not encouraging his tantrums. He will not win everything in life and learning how to handle the disappointment of losing a video game is important for being able to handle bigger disappointments in life.
He needs to learn that lesson when the stakes are low otherwise what happens in the future when he gets fired or a girl rejects him?” fischy333
11. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Leave If She Is Dissatisfied With The Way I Live?
“I (29 F) live on a tiny farm off the grid in the middle of nowhere. The only livable building on the farm is a small trailer and there’s no power (I have to use the generator) or plumbing.
I have 2 kids (8 M and 6 F). Their father isn’t in the picture and won’t be until the end of fall 2032. I’m fine with the lack of necessities as I live off the land and I don’t need much in general. My kids are homeschooled and I plan to do so until middle school at least.
Recently my sister (stepsister, 33 F) got divorced and evicted from her ex’s place. She has 3 kids (5 M twins and a 3 F). She had nowhere to go and I invited her to live with me.
Not even a week had passed and she started complaining about having to use the outhouse, lack of water (we have a well with a pump and a propane heater that is small, so not accommodating for a large family), and the fact that the drinkable water had to be carried from another well in buckets.
She also complained that we live far away from any civilization (the nearest hospital is 20 miles away) and if anything happens there’s a chance we won’t be able to get there on time. Her biggest complaint was that I asked her to help around the farm with small chores and that I asked one of her 5-year-olds to bring some water from the well and gave him a small bucket.
I see nothing wrong with children doing age-appropriate tasks around the farm, I was raised the same way until I was 12.
I told her that if she’s dissatisfied with the way I live, she’s free to leave. I’m not locking her up to be my slave around the farm, I provided her with free housing and food.
She said that I was trying to use her children for child labor and that I was endangering her life. We had a nasty verbal fight that ended up with us exchanging some unsavory words and now she’s still sulking. I’m wondering whether I’m the jerk in this situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
1) She was evicted and had nowhere to go with 3 small children AND had nowhere to go. So that means she knew how you lived and agreed to move out to the farm BECAUSE she had no other option.
2) She complains about the conditions and thinks it’s endangering her life.
WHY IS SHE STILL THERE? Because you identified the problem… She has nowhere to go. She needs to get a better attitude or move. She can try and get child support from EX or see about the children’s father helping, OR she can figure it out somewhere ELSE.
You provided her with a lifeline. She just doesn’t want it and can’t motivate herself to leave. HELP HER. The ultimatum of cutting it out or moving.” catskilkid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Have you brought up the fact that you need help with the labor because suddenly there are 4 extra people to take care of, which is going to require more than double the amount of water you typically use and therefore have to transport?
That lifestyle isn’t for everyone, and it’s a shock if you’ve never lived off the grid or even been camping before. It could be she simply doesn’t understand that it’s not like living on the grid where you turn a tap and bam fresh water, or you have access to unlimited electricity.
If you’ve nailed that point home and she still doesn’t understand why they have to pitch in… It might be time to ask them to leave.” Plushies_n_Poison
10. AITJ For Ditching My Brother's Wedding?
“My (28 F) brother (31 M) is getting married in a few weeks to my best friend since childhood (27 F). They’ve been together for a few years now, and of course, my best friend wants me to be her maid of honor.
They’ve known each other for a long time since she was always hanging out at my house, but I didn’t know they were close until I came home from grad school and found out they’d been together.
I thought they’d have their fun for a minute, then break up, and we’d all laugh about it someday. It’s clearly no longer the plan.
Because here’s my problem: I’m in love with her. I’ve been since before I really knew what being in love was.
For me, the sun doesn’t rise in the morning before I talk to her. She’s the light of my life.
She doesn’t know I feel this way, or if she does then there’s a reason she didn’t say anything. I know she’s straight (she knows I’m not) and I always expected to stand at her side one day while she got married to a man.
I’ve accepted that. I know she loves me, even if it’s not the exact way I love her. As long as she’s in my life, I’m happy. But this isn’t just some guy I can politely ignore and forget about, it’s my BROTHER.
If you’re wondering, yes, he knows how I’ve always felt about her.
We never sat down and spoke about it, but he’s not an idiot and hears when I talk about her. He’s always been awkward mentioning their relationship around me, and extra much so when he pulled me aside a few months back to tell me he was proposing.
I was hoping the feeling of betrayal would fade away with time but if I’m being honest, it hasn’t.
Still, I know he makes her happy, and she makes him happy too, so I’ve done my best to power through all their conjugal bliss so far, but the upcoming wedding has just made it worse and worse.
It would be bad enough as a guest, but they want me to stand next to them, to make a speech about what they both mean to me, to hand them the rings. All the while, my best friend has been gushing about how happy she is, how she can’t wait to be his wife and have children with him, and every tiny little thing he does for her, and I can’t help but feel that I was really just one chromosome away from being in his place.
I feel like the Little Mermaid, walking barefoot on glass and unable to say anything about it.
I don’t think I have the strength to be in that wedding. I’m already miserable. I’ve always been the fun one, but I just don’t have it in me anymore.
I can’t just stand down now either, she wouldn’t understand, and I’d have to explain, which could only lead to a world of hurt. I don’t want to ruin this for them. She’s still my best friend, and he’s still my brother.
So, WIBTJ if I just faked being sick or something on the day of and ditched the wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You know you can never be with her because of your orientation. That is a fact that you are failing to accept. You need to accept reality. Seek therapy if you need help. You should be happy for them, not miserable because of your jealousy.
Be happy that the two people you care about are in good hands with each other. You were asked to play a major role in their wedding. Dropping out would ruin their wedding. We’re not just talking about your friend here. This is your brother’s wedding too.
You have to live the rest of your life with him in it so don’t sabotage your relationship just because you’re jealous of him.” -Nightopian-
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. Look, I know it sucks but this is not the way to handle it. Your not showing up could not only end your friendship but severely damage your relationship with your brother.
And more than likely, your other family members as well. If you can’t be friends with her because she’s married to your brother, that’s understandable, but they are going to be a family, and you’re going to have to deal with that. You’ve always known she was straight, and she would marry someday.
Hindsight says you should have started distancing yourself from her years ago so as not to put yourself through this kind of pain. So start right after the wedding under the guise of giving the newlyweds privacy. You have to get over her so it’s not so painful at family events.
I hope for your sake you are able to move on. And in order to move on, you’ve got to put distance between you two AFTER THE WEDDING!” tiredandbored37
9. AITJ For Being Hurt After Being Uninvited From My Cousin's Wedding?
“So my cousin Lisa (F 30) is getting married to her fiancé of 10 years, Ahmed (M 32). Note for later Lisa is Catholic while Ahmed is Muslim.
I (F 21) am bi and have currently been with my partner for 4 years. I and Lisa were speaking at an anniversary dinner and I introduced my partner to her, who was very respectful. Lisa said to my mum that we were both invited to the wedding as well as my brother and his partner when my mum inquired about the wedding invitations.
About a month later, the wedding invitations got posted, and lo and behold everyone got an invitation except for me. I was confused at first but my parents told me that it was probably just lost in the post and to keep looking for a dress etc. I was instantly curious.
I decided to not text Lisa because she had too much on her plate.
Another month rolled around and still no invitation. I asked my mum and she told me that I was ‘definitely’ invited because she rang my uncle (Lisa’s father) and he said that she texted my brother and him asking for my partner’s last name.
I then grew suspicious as my brother had not texted me nor had she. Why couldn’t she come to me about it? I then grew annoyed because my mum then said she asked my brother to ask her again to which I said I’d text her and ask just to clarify because as stated before I’m 21 and can fight my own battles, I was also angry that I was kept out of the loop.
My mother then got defensive raising her voice telling me to not bother Lisa and that she’s got a million things on her mind at the moment and that she’d already asked my brother, I informed her that I was an adult and didn’t need anyone speaking for me, she then told me that I was going to the wedding and that she would sort it and that if I didn’t get an invitation, none of them would go.
I explained to her that I didn’t care if I got one or not. I just wanted to know if I was invited or not. She kept cutting me off and told me to drop the topic, and so did my dad.
Later that night, I checked her phone and saw texts from her to my brother and Lisa saying that I was not invited to the wedding due to my s*******y and that Ahmed’s religion was Muslim therefore they didn’t need the stress there.
I didn’t care about the invitation, I was not going to a place where I was not welcome but I was completely hurt that this was kept from me.
I confronted my family and told them I knew and yelled at them. My mother told me to calm down and that I was still going to the wedding whether Lisa liked it or not.
I told her to stop and that I was not going but she demanded that I was going and that she kept it from me because she did not want to upset me. I told her that I didn’t need her to fight my battles and that I was a grown-up.
My brother and dad intervened calling me ungrateful for their so-called ‘protection’. I stormed off and haven’t spoken to them since.
No one has apologized but I don’t think my reaction was uncalled for. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but saying that you can fight your own battles is not the same as actually doing that.
You should have bothered your sister and chewed out her butt instead of your parents’. Honestly. I think your folks were working in the background and the shot will probably hit the fan soon. I assume that you all have a decent relationship, so your parents are probably fuming over this.” Eastern_Voice_4738
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Lisa for being two-faced and a coward. Your mother for planning on making YOU the center of a huge family scene. I can understand her reason, but her methods are intolerable. By tricking you into coming, YOU become the bad guy in the family.
If she wanted to raise a fuss, she could have announced to the family ‘I am declining your invitation because you are putting another person’s hatred above your family’s love for each other. I wish you a happy marriage as you deserve.’
And you.
Because taking two minutes to type ‘Hey, just wanted to make sure that my partner and I are still invited to the wedding’ is not ‘bothering someone’. It’s asking for clarification on the matter. If it makes your cousin feel bad or embarrassed – that is literally on her for doing something bad or embarrassing.
You only need a yes/no answer to your question; are you invited or not?” Andravisia
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You have EVERY right to be mad at your parents, brother, and cousin. At the very least, your parents were planning on putting you in an uncomfortable position…unknowingly showing up to a wedding that you were purposely not invited to.
Additionally, your mother lied to you about not going if you weren’t invited. Age and your immediate family could have stood up for you and your partner by declining their invites. Hopefully, you’re planning on getting married one day and get to return the favor to your cousin.” Remarkable_Buyer4625
8. AITJ For Telling My Parents I Do Not Want To Live With My Brother?
“I (F 35) recently bought a house by myself for the first time, after saving like crazy for three years and then selling my flat in the city. The house is nothing fancy but it has three bedrooms, a back garden, and space for my dogs to run around.
I’m really hoping that this will be my forever home.
I know that I’m very fortunate to be able to do this, especially as a single woman on her own. But I’ve also worked incredibly hard to get here. Lots of late nights at work, side gigs, and climbing the ladder where I’ve been able to.
My younger brother, Jack (M 33), is yet to have a full-time job in his adult life and still lives with our parents. He and I get along really well and I love him to pieces, but I’ve been concerned for a long time about his lack of motivation to do anything in life.
He used to struggle badly with his mental health and I’ve always been there to support him (including financially at times). But he’s been doing okay for a few years now and still has no interest in trying to find a job or start a career.
He and my parents came over to see the house for the first time recently. While my mum and I were making dinner in the kitchen, she remarked how nice and spacious the house was. I thought she meant for the dogs, so I agreed with her.
She then said, ‘It’s so great that your dad and I know there’s a place for Jack when we’re not around anymore.’ I just stared at her for a second, processing what she had said. And then, without really thinking, I blurted out, ‘Jack’s not coming to live with me.
Ever.’
My mum thought I was joking at first but I clarified what I meant – I love my brother, but I’m not interested in taking over the role that my parents currently play. I don’t want him sitting on my sofa, playing video games, and rotting away for the rest of our lives.
My home is mine and I’ve worked hard to be able to create this space for myself.
My mum was very upset with me and claimed that I was being selfish because I had a ‘helping hand’ in buying my first flat, which allowed me to eventually buy this house.
(For context, the ‘helping hand’ was the settlement I received after a workplace accident at age 19.) She also said that there is no point in buying a house with three bedrooms if I’m planning to live alone forever.
We finished making dinner and then managed to eat the meal without saying anything else about it.
My parents and Jack went home but I then got a call from my dad later on that night, saying that my mother was ‘beside herself’ over thoughts of what would happen to Jack when both of them were gone. He said that I was being a bad big sister and that family is the most important thing in the world, so I should do my part to look after Jack when he’s been so vulnerable in the past.
I won’t lie, what he said did get to me. I love my brother, and I do have the extra space. So, I am wondering, AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are trying to shift the responsibility of taking care of your brother onto you, which isn’t fair.
You can love and support your brother without becoming his primary caretaker. Encourage your brother to work towards his own independence, and offer your support in that process Don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your own well-being and happiness. You’ve worked hard to achieve your goals, and you deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labor.
Your love for your family doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own life for their sake.” NatalieZenith
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom was a bit of one, just assuming they’d pass Jack onto you when they’re gone – tag, you’re it!
This is not a little thing they’re trying to guilt you into doing. It’s having another person around forever, no ambitions, depending on you for everything. You get a dependent you didn’t ask for. This is not a decision THEY get to make, telling you who will live in YOUR home.
They should instead work on getting Jack to be more independent so when the time comes, he’s responsible for himself. YOU are not responsible for him. You can love him and be a good sister, but that does not mean he gets to impose on you and your life by moving in with you.
YOU’VE worked hard for what you have. Enjoy it. Congratulate yourself. Don’t let your parents guilt and manipulate you into being a surrogate parent to your adult brother when they’re gone.” glimmerseeker
7. AITJ For Clapping Back At My Rude Uncle During A Family Event?
“In 2010, I (35 F) was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. My GI recommended avoiding red meat to reduce inflammation.
Over the years, I’ve just ended up nixing meat altogether and my body has responded extremely positively. I don’t care if other people eat meat around me and I don’t try to convert.
Yesterday, my partner’s (34 M, ‘Joel’) parents hosted a family barbeque. There were about 30 people (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandkids).
They’re a lovely group with the exception of ‘Dave’ (50s M) who is ‘that’ uncle.
A few years back, ‘Dave’ and his ex-wife (no longer part of the family) went through a nasty divorce. Dave is a raging heavy drinker. There were affairs on both sides.
Everyone knows.
One of the other habits I’ve developed over the years is eating standing up when it’s appropriate. Predictably, Dave meanders over to me and starts mocking my ‘liberal food’ and how I was eating, saying my standing was making everyone uncomfortable (it was a casual barbeque, I wasn’t the only one standing).
He tried to put some of his brisket on my plate saying he’d ‘convert me for my own good’. This isn’t his first anti-vegetarianism tirade he’s aimed at me.
Finally, he took a bite of his burger and gave me a big grin while chewing, bits of still being chewed burger visible in his teeth, and said, ‘MMM!
Meat!’ and laughed, spewing food everywhere. I’d had enough. I said, ‘Y’know Uncle Dave, while we’re on the topic of criticizing each other’s life choices, you’d probably still be married if you’d gotten your drinking under control years ago instead of screwing the first waitress willing to fall that low.’
Everyone within earshot fell quiet and stared. Dave said ‘I don’t have to put up with this nonsense’ and left.
The family is split by my outburst. The cousins (including Dave’s kid) and Joel are all on my side. My MIL and FIL expressed discomfort, but think he had it coming.
The aunts and uncles, however, have bombarded me with texts stating how inappropriate and cruel I was and that I shouldn’t expect invites if that’s how I was going to act.
AITJ? Did I go too far?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was being extremely nasty and rude to you with absolutely no reason or excuse to be, other than him enjoying being a bully.
This is a perfect case of someone not being able to take what they dish out. And, let’s face it – he left you alone after that, so mission accomplished. As far as the rest of the family goes: if they were better at making the drinking addict family member behave, or had come to your defense when he was obviously bullying you, as opposed to just letting him get away with his bad behavior, you wouldn’t have had to resort to what you said.
And it’s telling that your aunts and uncles are threatening YOU with being banned from family events for what you said, but have put up with the awful uncle’s bullying you (and I assume other people) with no consequences for him. That is hypocrisy at its finest. Perhaps you ought to point this out to them.
At the least, you sent a message to your uncle that you are not an easy target – that you will fight back.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know everyone likes to stereotype vegans and vegetarians as always being judgmental/critical of others’ food choices and fixating on people who eat meat, but as a vegetarian myself, my own lived experience is identical to what you’ve described here.
I never comment on what others eat, but I have received COUNTLESS unsolicited comments and even full-on lectures about what I eat and it’s beyond obnoxious. I agree with your FIL and MIL, Uncle Dave had it coming and he got exactly what he deserved.” prairiemountainzen
6. AITJ For Rejecting My Brother's Apology Dinner?
“I (17 M) literally just turned 17 on March 1st. I had my birthday dinner that Saturday which was the 2nd. I was expecting my whole family to come but instead, my brother (25 M) called to cancel to let me know that he couldn’t come because his wife (25 F) had a migraine.
I was upset but I expected it. This happens often whenever I have something special to me.
I will give examples:
My eight grade graduation – My brother had to miss it due to her being too tired from work;
My ninth-grade award ceremony – My brother had to miss it because she was sick with the flu or something;
My 15th birthday party – I really do not remember the excuse;
10th-grade award ceremony – My brother had to miss it because they had a wedding to go to;
My 16th birthday party – My brother had to miss it because her sister was in the hospital;
My 17th birthday party – My brother had to miss it because she had a migraine.
I can’t really fault her for this I guess, those are valid excuses but it just sucks that they all happen around the time of my birthday or like something I’d want my family to come to.
I don’t even mind if she doesn’t come, I’d just like if my brother came. I’m just happy that my other family does come and support me which I love.
Wednesday, my brother came by and gave me some funds and a birthday card and apologized for missing my birthday (again) and asked me if he could take me out to eat to apologize (again) for missing my birthday party.
I’m not gonna lie if this was a one-time occurrence I would’ve taken him out on the offer like I did the first and second times he missed my birthday but this time I wasn’t really feeling it and I just told my brother that I appreciate his gift but I was alright.
He took it well as I thought but apparently, he was hurt by my turning down the offer cause my other brother (21 M) and my dad came to me and asked me why I didn’t want to go out with my brother this Saturday because he was hurt that I rejected his offer?
I told them that he didn’t seem hurt when I rejected it but they told me that he was and felt really bad about missing my birthday
I told them that it’s really not that big of a deal and I’m not mad about it.
I said that he already got me something and I was happy with it. Cut to today, he called me again and asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to go out to eat today and I told him I was sure. This time I could really tell in his tone of voice that he was actually sad about it.
My dad told me that he wants me to go out to eat with him tomorrow so he doesn’t feel bad. I told him that he does this every year and I’m just used to it. I said that I’d be surprised if he even came to my graduation.
My dad then told me that he feels like I’m doing this to be petty and only trying to make my brother feel more guilty. My family is making me feel like I’m in the wrong for rejecting his offer and I’m so confused.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I wouldn’t turn down a free dinner over this, but you do you. People celebrate birthdays all the time on the days just before or after as the schedules of their family or friends allow… and to be honest, an 8th-grade graduation wouldn’t have been a major milestone in my family.
Also, a wedding would absolutely have taken precedence over a school awards ceremony, which is more important for parents – the people who are really invested in your education – than it is for siblings. I understand you’re more annoyed at the pattern than anything, and that’s fair.
I think it’s nice that he’s trying to make it up to you, but ultimately you’re not obligated to change your plans to make time for him.” lightninghazard
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk because you aren’t obligated to take your brother up on his offer.
However, you should probably adjust your expectations. The older you get, the less important these little milestones seem, yes, even your birthday. The universe doesn’t revolve around you, even for a day. In weighing the well-being and comfort of his wife, the woman he’s dedicated his entire life to supporting, and going to his little brother’s 8th-grade graduation?
Yeah, he chose rightly. Maybe this is a pattern of behavior but WE can’t make that call and only communicating with your brother will clear the air.
You’re holding a grudge you don’t need to. You’re keeping score and focusing on the negative rather than being grateful that your grown brother loves you enough to go out of his way to treat you.
No one is responsible for your unhappiness in this situation but yourself.” Ok_Fun_8727
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The first time, it stinks but it’s understandable. The second is an unlucky coincidence. 3rd time, it’s a pattern. What did your family expect? Of course, you will get used to it and think nothing of it when it keeps happening!
Side note though, I would talk to him about it when you can though. He must know that you didn’t mean to hurt his feelings but that it is always hurting yours. Does your SIL have any issues with you or anyone else in the family?
She is clearly the issue since all these issues just ‘happen’ to hit whenever you have something important going on” Tomboy-T
5. AITJ For Not Coming Home To Visit My Dying Grandpa?
“My grandpa and grandma live in China with the rest of my dad’s side of the family. My family and I immigrated when I was 5 years old. I have been back twice, once when I was 11 and once when I was 20. Both times were not enjoyable experiences for me.
My dad had to bring thousands of dollars of gifts for everyone in the small town where my dad’s side of the family lives. For months after our visit, we got phone calls from them complaining to my dad that the gifts he brought didn’t give them enough ‘face’.
Basically, if he didn’t bring enough gifts that were expensive enough then he was embarrassing them. They claimed he should have brought $300 USD in cash for everyone in the town. Which would have been +$30,000.
So now I’m 28 and my grandpa is dying. He has lung cancer after a lifetime of smoking and wants us to visit him.
My dad wanted me to go along until they began calling to demand that we bring enough gifts for them to have ‘face’. I was also expected to contribute and I have a good job and savings but I hate this tradition. I had Nigerian classmates in college who complained about a similar thing so I think it’s a common thing with people who immigrate to a Western country to be expected to provide for their relatives and neighbors.
But I don’t feel any allegiance to them and I’d rather give that funds to my friends who have helped me way more than they did. They never helped our family and even criticized my mom a lot for giving birth to a girl (me) because it was embarrassing if my dad didn’t have a boy.
They also told me to my face how embarrassing it was that my mom only produced girls for my dad when I visited (my younger sibling is my little sister).
My little sister said she had no interest in my dad’s home town and I told my dad I didn’t want to go there anymore either after I was told I would have to spend funds on gifts.
It’s very expensive to visit, I don’t enjoy the visits and I would be expected to spend $10,000 or more on gifts. My dad is very angry because he says he already told his family we are visiting and if I back out now it will look bad for him.
He also said my grandpa is dying and I’m being selfish for not traveling to see him. I don’t feel bad about not seeing my grandpa but I feel bad about not going for my dad because the respect from his hometown is a big deal for him.”
Another User Comments:
“This is very hard. You aren’t a jerk. Your dad could hopefully understand that having been brought up outside of China, the tradition doesn’t feel important to you. You don’t expect to ever need the people in the town, so helping the town is not sensible to you.
But it is important to your dad, because of many generations of mutual relationships that he was a part of, and that family that is still there still depends on. You will probably never be a part of that town, and be a part of the relationships that shape your extended family.
So not wanting to spend your funds on them makes sense to you. Breaking those ties is part of immigration. NTJ” Quick-Possession-245
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s understandable given the negative experiences you’ve had in the past. It’s natural that you don’t feel a strong connection to people who have criticized your family and held such superficial expectations.
If visiting your dad’s hometown causes you stress and discomfort, you have every right to say no. Your father’s desire to maintain his reputation in his hometown is important to him, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your feelings and financial stability. If you don’t feel a strong connection to your grandpa or believe that visiting him would only cause more stress, it’s okay to make the choice not to go.
By the end of the day, your decision not to visit your dad’s hometown is not selfish but a matter of self-care and setting boundaries. You have a right to protect yourself from situations that make you feel uncomfortable, and you should not feel guilty for prioritizing your well-being.” PeytonAzure
4. AITJ For Warning My Friend About My Brother?
“I’m the youngest of 3 siblings and my eldest brother is already married. He married an Indian girl that my parents arranged for. My other brother is going to also have an arranged marriage and he says he is ok with that. But in the meantime, he is still seeing other girls and making it seem like he is serious about them but then he will discard them later.
In my culture losing your virginity before marriage is still taboo for girls (guys can do whatever they want). My friend likes my brother and he knows that and is now going out with her. I know he will probably try to have her give up her virginity for him and I think it will break her heart to do that and then have him dump her.
My friend is half Indian and from her mom’s side is from another social class so my parents would never consider her. My parents are already in talks with a family and my brother has been chatting with that girl online. He will probably go back home to meet her this fall.
My brother has my friend convinced he will marry her once they are done university. I have been friends with her for nearly a decade.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything but I did and told her my parents and my brother’s plan to have an arranged marriage.
She was crying because she had already given her virginity to my brother. A week later my brother came to me mad because my friend broke up with him and in their argument made it clear she knew he was going to go through with marrying another girl and was just stringing her along.
He is extremely angry with me because no one else could have told her. I admitted it was me and he yelled at me that it was not any of my business.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she is your friend, that makes it your business, you did the right thing telling her.
I don’t understand your culture so take what I say with a grain of salt but honestly, your brother sounds like an abusive user. He is convincing girls that he’s serious (lying to them) to get in their pants, and dumps them after? That’s not consensual, it’s manipulative and a complete lack of regard for how it impacts these girls’ lives socially.
It’s gross, I feel for you, your friend, and his future wife.” MaladjustedGremlin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your brother is for sure a jerk. He was leading her on and probably actively lying to her. You did the right thing. Doesn’t seem like he’s sorry for doing it, just upset that he was caught.
You prevented him from breaking her heart possibly more. Not even mentioning the fact that he’s going out with your friend AND talking to another girl about marriage. It’s a grey area but I’d say it’s infidelity. The fact that you kinda knew he was going to take her virginity makes me think he’s done this before and has no remorse over it.
He is being selfish and dishonorable. Although I don’t know much about the culture, if I were his future wife, I would have serious concerns with this. Doesn’t seem to respect the women he sees or the woman he will marry…” goyabeanpie
3. AITJ For Not Liking My Nephew's Name?
“My sister gave birth to my nephew in January and she gave him a name that I dislike which is Philip. The two of us have always been so so close and we always swore we would be honest with each other when asked. That has always been our relationship.
We feel it keeps us close and stops hard feelings because if we don’t want to hear something we just don’t ask. There has never been a time I didn’t want her honesty so I will ask her anything looking for an honest answer. My sister is a little more sensitive, which there’s nothing wrong with that but I get her not asking everything if she feels like it would hurt her feelings.
She asked me what I thought of the name because I was the only one who didn’t comment about loving the name, according to her. And I’m not saying every single person she meets compliments the name. Just that those in her and her husband’s circle did.
So 2/3 weeks after my nephew was born she asked me if I didn’t like his name. She said my reaction was very muted and it made her wonder. So I was honest and told her I didn’t like the name but reassured her I loved my nephew very much.
She asked some more questions that I answered honestly and I was even open about names I would use for my future child when asked. My sister made a joke that it was weird to find a topic we were so opposite on (our taste in names) but she was glad we had talked.
I didn’t think anything more of it and then a week and a half ago my sister’s husband made a sarcastic remark that he was surprised I would spend funds on such a nice gift for my nephew (I ordered a custom blanket for him) that has his name on it when I don’t even like the name.
My sister told him to stop and apologized to me for his reaction. He grumbled and she grumbled back at him. Then he got me alone and told me I had made my sister cry when I told her I disliked my nephew’s name. He asked me how I would like it if she said that to me and I told him I would expect her to be honest if she did dislike the name I picked for my future kids and I asked her the question.
I said we don’t lie to each other and it’s been that way since we were kids.
He said he had no idea what kind of name I would like if I dislike Philip and if I dislike the middle name too but it takes a special kind of crappy person to tell a new parent they dislike the name they chose for their kid.
And he said I broke my sister’s heart which should make me so ashamed.
I spoke to my sister after that and apologized for upsetting her. She wanted to know where I learned it but answered herself before she finished the question. She apologized to me and admitted she was upset but that she should have known better than to ask the question, that I didn’t go out of my way to give feedback on the name and she knows herself better than that.
She apologized to her husband again and told me not to listen. But then her husband reached out again and told me my sister was trying to spare my feelings. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The time to be honest was before she named the child, not after the baby was born and his name was on the birth certificate.
You are also old enough to know that there is honesty and there is cruelty. People are sensitive about personal things and there is nothing more personal than your feelings about your newborn. If she had asked, ‘Do you think my baby is ugly?’ what would you have replied?
‘Yes!’ There are ways to be diplomatic without lying.” Maximum-Swan-1009
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister even said it herself, she shouldn’t have asked if she didn’t want the truth as that’s the relationship you have. You are making an effort to embrace the name, and you’ve apologized for any hurt feelings.
Her husband is being a major jerk at this point, especially for going behind his wife’s back multiple times to attack you. My bet is it was his name suggestion and he’s personally hurt and attacking you for it. If he tries to bring it up again I would immediately shut him down and say you’re not continuing this conversation with him, and if your sister has an issue she can bring it up herself.” chaserscarlet
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. Yeah, honesty is good, but it’s not always necessary. The kid already has that name, it does no good for you to tell her you don’t like it. You could’ve just lied and said it’s a nice name and nobody would get their feelings hurt.
Philip isn’t even a weird name, there’s no reason to express a dislike for it, especially since this wasn’t a baby name discussion pre-birth, it’s his permanent name now.
Soft YTJ because she did ask you, although you should’ve known better than to outright say you disliked it.
Also honestly you’re kind of a jerk for acting in a way that made her realize you didn’t like the name. It’s one thing to secretly think a name is bad, it’s another to act weird and make the mother notice you dislike it.” Competitive_Fact6030
2. AITJ For Telling My Dad Where My Mom Was?
“I recently married my beautiful wife ‘Amanda’. She isn’t the biggest fan of my mom and that is probably mutual, I don’t know. Amanda knows I am on her side and here to support any boundaries.
She was concerned about how my mom would behave at the wedding and admitted to not wanting to spend any more time with her than absolutely necessary.
I ended up going to my mom’s husband ‘Chris’ and asking if he had any thoughts so we could all have a peaceful day and no bridesmaids would need to ‘accidentally’ spill anything.
At first, he didn’t want to help, but he didn’t want my mom to feel embarrassed and gave in. He said it was already going to be a long day for her, so he recommended no pre-wedding festivities and said he would get her out of the rehearsal dinner early, so she had enough time in between.
He took her out right after dinner and took her somewhere else.
The day of the wedding she was not invited to get ready with the bridal party or have a champagne breakfast. Instead, Chris took her to the beach for a long run (get that energy out) and then took her to a nice breakfast, home for some one-on-one attention, and let her know he had a special day planned the following day.
She got her makeup done at their house and came just in time for the wedding.
My stepmom ‘Lexi’ was however invited to get ready with the bridal party. I guess she told my dad my mom wasn’t there and he asked me. I told him the truth that Chris was taking care of her as it would be too long a day for her.
I guess he told someone else because my mom found out and was furious.
She asked how I could humiliate her and said I’m a crappy son. She said I could have said nothing and accused me of not loving her. She said she knows the truth that we just don’t like her or want her around.
Chris also got mad and said he regretted helping me. I felt kind of bad after that encounter and was wondering AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Dude, you have got to learn to not share information between two divorced people, you put yourself squarely in the path of this firestorm.
Lexi has a big mouth and your father should have minded his own business, but I’m guessing he just had to point out how his wife was there and his ex was not and that’s some sort of win for him. While not intentional, and I hope you take this as a lesson learned, but you’ve tipped into YTJ category not because of your actions on the day, but for not being able to prevent yourself from sharing information that on some level you knew had the potential to blow up.” ResoluteMuse
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You talk trash about your mom and her behavior when you know she has medical issues and yet it didn’t occur to you how telling your stepmom the truth would play out? Seems to me YOU are the one who caused the unnecessary drama.
From what you have described, you and your wife went to extraordinary lengths to keep your mom as far away from the event as possible when your stepmom pretty much took her spot. I can see why she might have felt ostracized and her feelings are valid – you did choose your father and stepmom over her from what you’ve said.
Did you even have your dad take accountability for this as he was clearly gossiping about this to the guests? Or does this not count as an embarrassment just because it was your dad who didn’t understand social clues this time?” Salty-Philosopher-73
1. AITJ For Not Coming To My Mom's Renaissance Fair-Themed Birthday Party?
“My mom recently turned 50 and my family has been experiencing some tension. I’m currently planning a wedding and my mom has been nothing but cold and standoffish with my bride-to-be.
I have addressed her behavior multiple times and the answer is always ‘Well she isn’t my fiancee’ ‘Well I’m shy’ ‘Well you picked her, not me.’ I finally blew up and we had a long heart-to-heart and she confirmed my fears that she doesn’t like my fiancee much and finds her ‘annoying’ and ‘vapid’.
I told her if she ever acted on those feelings she would be disinvited from the wedding.
My fiancee recently had a bridal shower/bachelorette weekend at Disney as she is a huge Disney person. Growing up we rarely went to Disney as my stepdad, and I preferred Universal. I never knew my mom had opinions regarding Disney though, but it got back to me that she was making fun of the bridal shower calling it things like ‘lame’ and ’embarrassing’.
When I confronted her she expressed her ‘concerns’. She felt it was self-indulgent that she was having so many pre-wedding events, and she was salty about being given a matching shirt to wear. Apparently, she didn’t want to be in the ‘bride squad’. She tried to brush this off by saying Disney was childish and themes were lame.
I ended up skipping my mom’s birthday trip to Italy due to other commitments. To be fair she was cool with this. I planned on taking her to dinner sometime since 50 is a big deal, but I received an invitation to a surprise party on the day of her actual birthday and decided to attend.
When I got there it was full Renaissance fair-themed, costumes, games, food, performers. It was like her own personal fair. Now I don’t think people would suspect this, because she gives off too cool vibes, but my mom loves Renaissance fairs. It started as a joke with her and a friend that it is an excuse to ‘dress down’ but that was years ago and now they are her thing.
To be honest, it was an amazing party, probably one of the sickest parties I’ve seen, but I immediately felt mad. How is a Renaissance fair less cringy, childish, or embarrassing than Disney? and why isn’t it excessive that my mom had a trip abroad plus this party?
I just could not stop thinking ‘hypocrite’.
My mom walked in and was surprised. Then she went to change and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told my aunt I was leaving and that if my mom wanted me she could call and personally apologize to my fiancee.
My aunt called me a ‘jerk’ but I left with my fiancee and guess who never called? Now my family is saying I’m a jerk for missing both of her celebrations when 50 is a huge deal. Also apparently they are mad because they feel my fiancee used the party to get Instagram likes, but like what?
She didn’t know we would be leaving early.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are running around with a gas can fueling whatever minor fires exist. Demanding opinions and then demanding apologies. It was a surprise party, dude. She didn’t plan it. You threw a hissy fit and demanded an apology from someone who did nothing wrong.
Because she didn’t do anything. She didn’t plan the party. And no, it isn’t the same thing. Going to a birthday party means I buy a card, drive to your house, and eat food and drinks someone else paid for. Going to a Disney weekend involves lots of funds and time, doing something that doesn’t appeal to you, and being forced to wear a weird shirt.
But your mom agreed to do it.
Don’t expect me to call your mom a jerk because you demanded to know her opinion. And don’t force someone to wear a themed t-shirt in public and not have them make a random comment to whoever was there when they put it on that it’s dumb.” superfastmomma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sounds like you and your fiancée are spoiling for a fight because your mom isn’t falling all over herself pandering to your preferences. While she is doing her own thing, thinks for herself, and yeah, isn’t impressed by your fiancée.
Nothing wrong with that. I mean… birthday in Italy and an incredible Ren-Faire themed party vs Disney bride/bride squad??? I’d be going to your mom’s shindigs and it seems like THAT is what you HAVE a problem with.
Your mom sounds cool and yeah… your fiancee might seem boring and forgettable by comparison.
The issue is neither of those… it’s that you are envious because she’s is perfectly happy to live her life and leave you to yours, and you seem annoyed that she’s just not terribly moved by your fiancée and wedding activities.” AnonymooseVamoose
You're NTA for wanting to know her or meet, but you are TA for what you did