People Can't Stop Thinking About Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Allowing My Sister's Kids To Live With Me?
“I (F50s) have a sister, (F40s) who sees herself as a ‘my family lives in a camper van’ influencer. In 2020, she, her husband, and their four kids moved into a camper. They homeschool the kids, travel all over the US, etc. They come to visit for holidays but we don’t see them besides that.
My husband and I are the opposite. We have four kids and live in a big, beautiful house in Colorado.
So the issue is; My sister and her family came over for Thanksgiving and spent the night. My sister’s oldest (F13 and M13 twins) slept in my daughters and sons’ rooms with them. In the morning, my niece and my sister got into a big argument, with my niece being incredibly angry at her mother for making her live in a camper when she could have so much more space, and not have to share so much with her brothers (they all sleep in the same area), and be able to have more clothes/friends/extracurricular activities.
I asked what was going on and, according to my sister, this has been an argument for a while. (Money is not an issue, they had a house before and sold it for a massive amount of money, my sister has a trust fund and a job, she just likes living in a camper).
After a brief conversation with my husband and my children, we offered (in private to my sister) to take my eldest niece in.
We have extra guest rooms and could make one a bedroom for her, there are great schools in our area, we’d pay for everything for her, etc. She instantly said no, that she knew what was best for her daughter, she would miss her siblings. We didn’t mention it again.
Well, my youngest (F13) told her cousin about the offer.
She was very happy but angry that her mother hadn’t brought it up to her. She told my sister that if she made her come live in the camper again, she’d never do anything her mother wanted because it was unfair that her mother wasn’t letting her have a true childhood. While I don’t condone tantrums like that, I understood where she was coming from, and helped convince my sister.
When her twin brother found out, he wanted to stay too. My sister asked him what she was supposed to do without them, how was she going to care for the younger siblings without them, talked about missing out on family trips, etc. But my nephew didn’t change his mind. We agreed to a trial period, of three weeks, which ended three days ago.
My sister came back, fully expecting her kids to want to come back with her, but they flat-out refused to even get in the camper.
My sister is very angry. She said that I was supposed to make them want to live with her and that I’m a horrible sister for treating her like this.
She said I should kick them out, but I said no. She said that I’m a massive jerk, and told her kids to not expect her to come back for them when they got tired of ‘maximalism’. Now her kids are sad, but they still don’t want to leave, and I’m worried I’ve ruined my relationship with my sister.
AITJ?
EDIT; I have been told that the technical name of the vehicle I’m referencing is a motorhome. It’s one of those large, I don’t know, house on wheels things. I thought they were called campers since that’s what my sister always calls it.
We have temporary guardianship signed by my sister.
Her husband came over after they left, and we filled out the power of attorney forms, got the things we need to put them in school, etc, and he took them back and had her sign them so we should be all clear. My brother is an attorney and he helped us with the forms as well.”
Another User Comments:
“I can see why your sister may not like it but I don’t think the campervan life is suited to all, the idea of it would be horrifying to me – both as an adult and a teenager. And I suspect a lot of 13-year-olds want to have friends and hobbies that aren’t just online.
You brought up the idea in private which is a good way to approach it, it’s a shame your daughter wasn’t able to keep it private (but truthfully I think she did the correct thing).
‘My sister asked him what she was supposed to do without them, how was she going to care for the younger siblings without them, talking about missing out on family trips, etc.’
This sounds like parentification which is not a good thing for the twins, they should be living the life of a teenager only helping to look after younger sibs/kids if they are paid babysitters and only for a few hours a week (if they want the extra money).
You are NTJ – I thought that after the first paragraph and the rest just confirmed it for me.” OwnedByACrazyCat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister and husband are living their dream life, but haven’t stopped one moment to think if that is what the other family members want in their lives. Yes, their kids seem to all be underaged, but they are old enough to voice their opinion about what they believe is a bad situation for their upbringing.
Your sister and her husband are seemingly willfully ignoring those signals. Her biggest mistake was to let the two of them stay with you for the trial period and believe they’d still want to come back to live in the camper with her. Anyone would have seen this one coming.
Now for your relationship with your sister: yeah, it’ll be strained, but you probably need to have a good conversation with her and her husband about the life choices they are making and how those affect their children.
Obviously, it’s their life, but ignoring signals from your children that they are not okay with their current lifestyle and the fact they feel they are missing out on key life experiences like so many other kids that live in a house should be a massive marinara flag for your sister. Whatever she does, in a few years when her kids come of age, they will flee that camper nest like mice spotting a cat and wonder why they go low or even no contact with her…” ITSlave4Decades
20. AITJ For Leaving My Job At My Dad's Company?
“So I’ve (28F) worked with my dad (48M) and grandfather (70sM) for the past 7 years. For the past year, the company hasn’t been doing well, and it’s all because of decisions on their part. Since I started working for them, I have always been the lowest-paid employee, but also I am paid below the minimum wage in my country.
The salaries between the employees have a vast difference, which, in my opinion, isn’t fair since the higher paid employees all day just surf the internet or come in whenever they want, they are also given company cars that they get to take home in order to come to work… I don’t…
I started looking for another job in the summer, and I let my dad know this 3 weeks ago.
I got an offer, and I accepted, and I let my dad know about it the same day…
He told me it was okay so I started at my new job yesterday… when I was off work, I got a call from my stepmother (40F) (I hadn’t let her know I was leaving my dad’s company).
When I answered she immediately began calling me ungrateful and I should be ashamed of myself for leaving my dad in such difficult times. Before hanging up the phone she said in a sarcastic tone ‘I hope you are happy and have a nice life’. I didn’t say anything to her because I didn’t care to explain myself to her and she wouldn’t have listened anyway.
So my question is, AITJ for leaving my dad to work somewhere else while his company is struggling?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to provide for yourself, for your family if you have one, and plan for retirement. Between bad decisions and being paid below minimum wage, you can’t take care of your needs.
If dad had an issue with you leaving, he should have talked to you as a professional and counter-offered.
Most parents want better for their kids. If you were a teen my verdict might be different or if it was struggling to start up. But they’re running the business into the ground.” Squibit314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think your stepmother is so far wrong it’s not funny, when you are working for your dad, you are not his daughter, you are his employee. How you are treated, in contrast to other workers really makes you look at how you are being treated. You have seen what they get, and what you get, and decided to move on to the next chapter of your working life.
You informed your boss that you were looking for other work, and handed in your resignation, like any other employee.
Your stepmother has absolutely no right to interfere with the business unless she is a business partner. The thing is you are your father’s daughter, and I imagine, you don’t want to get your father in trouble, the below-minimum wage thing could depend on the country and could end the company.
So your moving companies is actually helping him avoid getting him and his company into trouble, or jail time for him.” Working_Ostrich1780
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Business is business, and at your dad’s company, you were being paid less than minimum wage. You were the lowest-paid employee there, so that must mean you were the one he least valued. If his business fails without you, it would likely have failed with you as well.
You found a job that pays you more, so you took it. Not sure what’s wrong with your stepmother, but she had no business getting involved.” Oxfordcomma42
19. AITJ For Turning My Partner's Question Back On Him?
“My partner is a great guy and we rarely have any disagreements, this is just one thing that irks me.
I have some uncommon hobbies for my age group, the current ‘issue’ being sudoku (I used to also crochet and knit but the price of yarn is ridiculous right now).
My partner has raised concerns about why I don’t spend my time reading books instead of playing sudoku on my phone. I counter that with why does he play video games instead of reading, which he can’t really answer and says I shouldn’t turn his question back on him.
I really don’t see the difference, it’s something I enjoy and use as a stress relief just like he plays video games.
(Also I don’t have anything against him gaming, I just find his different view of my hobby compared to his a bit unfair.)
And it’s not like we’re missing out on quality time due to my ~crippling sudoku addiction~, we watch shows together and train together several times a week.
AITJ for asking him why doesn’t he read instead of playing video games, every time he asks me why I don’t read instead of playing sudoku?
UPDATE: I bought a book of sudoku puzzles.”
Another User Comments:
“Either he’s embarrassed about sudoku as a cool-down hobby or he has some kind of anxiety over whether you could be considered well-read.
Whatever the case, you don’t owe anyone any particular way to spend your free time. I had a friend who used to badger me to join one of those paint and wine night classes but I really didn’t want to invest in doing them because my day job is creative so to me unwinding is not to engage my creative side.
If he finds answering a question with a question grating, well, now he knows what it’s like to keep being asked the same question over and over.
NTJ.” addisonavenue
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, turning a question around is a very common device to get people to think about their question in a different light. To see hypocrisy, being inappropriate, prying, s*xist, or whatever point you are trying to make.
There is nothing wrong with doing it. It is intelligent, and thoughtful and gets them to see the light, rather than you arguing your point. His issue isn’t that he doesn’t like you turning it around, it’s that he thinks he gets how to dictate your time. Women shouldn’t be allowed to use time or money on useless activities.
But they can buy electronics and toys, and waste money and time on any hobby they want. He doesn’t like being questioned.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your partner is throwing out some serious red flags. He’s allowed to question your hobbies, but you’re not allowed to question his? He wants to control what you do so you fit his idealized mental version of you, but he doesn’t want to be controlled by you.
He’s asking you to justify why you like sudoku like your hobby is any different than his playing video games. That’s absolutely unhinged logic.” jYextul349
18. AITJ For Banning My Niece From My House After She Accused My Daughter Of Stealing?
“I (F40s) live with my husband (M40s) and our daughter Laura (F15).
I have a niece, Kelly (F26). I’m quite close with my siblings and their children but in recent years I haven’t seen much of Kelly as she has moved to another city that’s around 3 hours away.
Kelly has been around more often with the holidays coming up, and a few days ago I hosted a family dinner and she came along.
The next day, I get a phone call from Kelly. She’s furious and tells me that Laura has apparently stolen her AirPods.
I ask her what the heck she was talking about, and she said that she had her airpods in her handbag in our dining room and that now her airpods are gone. She said that Laura was ‘acting suspicious’ and ‘being guilty’.
I hadn’t noticed anything, but there was a bit of unrelated drama going on at the dinner so I was distracted.
I told Kelly I’d talk to Laura and then call her back.
I talked to Laura. She immediately denies stealing the AirPods. She said that she’s been nowhere near Kelly’s handbag and that it’s not like she doesn’t have her own headphones.
I can usually tell when Laura is lying, and she’s never stolen things in the past, so I’m pretty inclined to believe her. I know I’m biased because she’s my daughter but I do know her very well.
I called Kelly back a few hours later and told her that I don’t know what happened to them, but Laura has definitely not stolen her AirPods.
Kelly insisted that Laura stole her airpods, and starts telling me that I and my husband must buy her a replacement. I told Kelly that that’s just not the case and that I’m sure they’ll turn up. Kelly even went around telling all our extended family that Laura stole her thing and that she’s a liar and a thief and I’m enabling it.
The day after that, I get a text from Kelly telling me that she found her AirPods and that they were in her car the whole time. Kelly seemed to think it was really funny but I told her that I really do not appreciate that she jumped straight to calling my daughter a thief when she misplaced her own AirPods.
I told Kelly she was not welcome back into my home after the stunt she pulled.
Kelly got really upset and accused me of trying to cut her out of the family and being too harsh on her. Now my siblings are mad at me for banning Kelly from my house and said I’m being horrible and bullying her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, Kelly accused your daughter of being a thief, going so far as to spread the accusation on social media. That was an attack on your daughter’s character, and she had absolutely no proof that Laura had done any such thing! It turns out Kelly was WRONG. Instead of thinking it was funny, the first thing she should have done is called Laura immediately and apologized for accusing her when it was her own misplacement of her airpods that caused the problem!
She should make apologies to you, as well. But she’s done none of that. It’s too bad that HER family is enabling her bad manners, by not insisting she make amends for her false drama. I would not feel comfortable with her in my home, either. Just tell your family that your trust and faith in her have been shaken, and it’s your choice right now to have her stay away.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Not only did she accuse your daughter without proof, but she also felt the need to slander and spread around these unfounded accusations about a fifteen-year-old girl.
I would be making her apologize to your daughter and ensure she told everyone that she was wrong and Laura was in no way at fault.
It’s an awful thing to spread around about an innocent girl.
I could be very wrong, but I have a feeling Kelly just wanted to find someone to replace her lost AirPods. After all, without proof, why would she immediately think Laura took them and not ask if she left them there? Laura’s also an easier target being fifteen.” Ok-Writer-774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your niece accused your teen daughter of stealing. She demanded that you and your husband replace her missing items. She told other family members that your daughter stole from her.
Your niece found her items the following day, after causing trouble for your family and spreading untruths about your teen child.
Your niece did call you, as she should have. She has not publicly apologized to your daughter. To you, or to your husband.
Your niece is an adult. I wouldn’t allow her into my home until she publicly apologizes. Even then, I would request that she doesn’t bring any personal items into my home.” mrslII
17. AITJ For Not Giving My Christmas Time Off To My Coworkers With Families?
“I work for a large company that has other companies as customers. Our company has standard templates or can build custom products for our customers. I’m part of a team that installs, tests, and monitors custom products.
Recently we did a 3 week out of state installation and test for a customer. During this period, my teammates rotated flying back home to visit their families. Because I’m the only one who’s single and has no family, I volunteered to not rotate out and worked so that my teammates could have extra time with their families.
I spent the entire 3 weeks working. We finished the installation and testing so we’re all home now. However, we’re in the monitoring phase which includes flying out on a moment’s notice if something serious happens.
My manager and his boss (VP) noticed the work I put in and the rotations I skipped to get everything smoothly online so they commended and rewarded me with a week’s paid time off for Xmas.
The situation is that a couple of teammates already had approved time off for Xmas. Now that I have that week off too, the monitoring falls on everyone else which means no one else will be able to take time off. When they found out I had that week off, they started to try to get me to switch.
Some tried to bribe me with food and other stuff while others tried to beg. A couple of coworkers are telling me their families can’t go to Xmas gatherings because they can’t get that time off. One person is telling me this might be her grandmother’s last Xmas and she needs to take her kids to see their grandma.
I’m feeling really bad about it but I’ve turned them all down. I don’t have anything to do or anyone to spend Xmas with but I worked for 3 straight weeks and am burnt out. I had plans to binge shows and play games which makes me feel even more guilty.
Am I the jerk for refusing to switch?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. If they had plans then they should have booked it off before now. It’s their fault for leaving it too late. Some of your colleagues managed to book their leave early enough to be approved. This time off is time off that you earned by stepping up, and that allowed your colleagues to spend time with their families.
You already took more than one for the team to ensure that they could still see their families whilst getting the work done. This is your reward for that. Are they also asking the people who booked their leave early to swap with them or are they just asking you? I hate this societal expectation, that because you don’t have kids you have to work every holiday.
Childless people also like the holidays. Who knew?!? Enjoy your time off, you earned it, and maybe next year people will learn that if they want specific time off they need to book it off early and not try and guilt trip people into switching.” shortbreadsecurity
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You did not decide to get time off, management did that.
So tell your coworkers to take it up with them and to get off your back. Also, write your management about the situation and tell them that you did not agree with them if you want to keep the week off.
Your coworkers are jerks because they had time with their families when they were back at home while you stayed for 3 weeks.
Why should their decision to reproduce affect you just because you are single?’ nexutus
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ.
You didn’t request the time off, it was given to you for your hard work. Your bosses on the other hand probably are but it’s really not your fault or problem. You already worked to lessen the load on others.
If they have a problem, take it higher up. I would take the time off and enjoy the break, binge all the TV, and play games.
It’s hard but don’t feel guilty, you deserve a break as much as anyone else. While some of the stories are sad like the grandma ultimately it’s not your problem.
I hope you get some time to rest and refresh.” Metzgie
16. AITJ For Being Mad At My Friend Who Has Become Aloof Now That I'm A Mom?
“Just over two years ago, I (f29) unexpectedly got pregnant and now have a beautiful 18-month-old daughter, Ciara.
Over that time my friend’s circle got considerably smaller but my best friend remained, Mia (f31).
Mia doesn’t have kids nor wants kids but she’s been brilliant with Ciara.
I’m a stay-at-home mom and obviously don’t have as much time to hang out as I did previously. Mia and I live on the same street (we’re in Manchester, England) and it’s a walking distance between our houses.
I’ve told Mia numerous times that she can just pop in whenever she wants to (she works from home) but she rarely does.
She did at the beginning but it’s been happening less and less. Instead, she keeps suggesting we go out for coffee or pizza or even a drink but I don’t have the time and always just tell her to come over and we’ll have coffee at my place.
She asked if I wanted to go out with her and her other friends for a drink last weekend but I said no but she’s welcome to come over and we’ll have a few drinks at mine. She said she already had plans and it felt weird to drink when she knows there was a child around.
Honestly, I feel neglected. I feel like she put me on a back burner and doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m always available but she rarely comes over and I don’t think that’s fair.
Today, I saw her photos from Saturday night out and I was fuming. She ditched me just so she could go and drink like she’s 20 again.
I felt rejected and horrible, I thought we were best friends but she clearly doesn’t value me when she won’t even have a few drinks with me at my house.
When she finished work, she called and asked if I fancied going for coffee to town but I asked her to come over again.
She said yes but before she disconnected, I heard her mumble ‘like always.’ This really annoyed me.
When she came over, I decided to be open about everything. And while not my proudest or most mature moment, I shouted at her that she’s an awful friend, that she barely comes over, and if she doesn’t want to spend time with me just say it and stop playing around.
She said she’s always been accommodating but it’s been 2 years and she doesn’t want to spend time with me when there’s always a kid, especially now when she has to watch her language (Mia likes to swear).
I said that she knew I had a child and responsibilities. And she said that Tom (my partner) could take care of Ciara once in a while so I could have time off.
This felt really intrusive and I told her to mind her own business and not meddle in my marriage.
I was really angry with her and kicked her out. She called me a selfish jerk on her way out.
Normally, I would expect her to call by now with apologies but she hasn’t done so and I’m starting to wonder was I the jerk or was she?
Perhaps I was too harsh and should’ve been more careful with discussing it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When you have a child, they are the most important person to you. BUT, that doesn’t mean that they are the most important person to everyone else. You are a stay-at-home mom, that’s your choice, and it sounds like Mia has tried really hard to be accommodating, but for Christ’s sake, it’s been two years of her doing things your way.
She didn’t ghost you or be rude, she suggested having your husband, the FATHER, watch your child so you can hang out and you yell at her and accuse her of meddling in your marriage?
Girl, there are a lot of issues in your marriage in that statement alone that you are not telling here.
Don’t blame her for finally having enough and calling you a jerk because you are acting like one. Don’t expect her to apologize cause you don’t deserve one. You want to keep this friendship, you talk to a therapist ’cause you’ve got some issues, and when you are mature enough to have an adult conversation, call Mia and apologize.” GullibleNerd88
Another User Comments:
“Yes YTJ!
Your friend is not obligated to be around kids just because you had a child. It’s not like she ignored you. She invited you out multiple times. Your entitlement that she should always hang out at your house around your kid is wrong.
Also, yes, she can go out and drink like she’s in her 20s again.
Maybe you should try that sometime too, instead of insisting to drink around a small child which majority of the people are not comfortable with.” pepper_18
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s clear you aren’t putting any effort into your friendship with Mia. You complain she is neglecting you, but what effort have you made to accommodate her?
None. You expect her to come to your house, and will only see her if she comes to your house. You expect her to be the first to reach out to apologize after a conflict. You see it as interfering when she makes a completely normal suggestion that your co-parent takes a shift alone with your kid so you can spend one evening being an adult without a kid in tow.
Heck, you won’t even tow the kid to a cafe.” Sfb208
15. AITJ For Not Forcing My Kid To Spend Time With Their Autistic Classmate?
“One of my (46F) kids is genderfluid and prefers they/them pronouns. They’re biologically female but aren’t comfortable identifying as such. (I apologize if this is hard to read, I know it can be hard to use ‘they’ instead of ‘she.’)
My kid is 16 and goes to a private school where there are a lot fewer students.
It’s a therapy school for kids who need extra help. My kid goes there because they were bullied a lot in public school and some other personal issues. They’re in a class of only 7 other people, and one of their classmates ‘Abigail’ (fake name) has gotten super attached to them. Abigail has mild autism, and because of that doesn’t have many people she’s close to.
She and my kid became friends, and I was talking with her mom who told me that Abigail lost all her friends in the past by being too clingy, and she still hasn’t learned what’s acceptable and what’s not.
My kid went to her house twice to hang out, but Abigail invites them out almost every day.
My kid usually makes an excuse as to why they can’t hang out, and I do feel bad for this girl since she’s very lonely. But both times they went to her house, my kid came back exhausted and said that Abigail is a nice person, but doesn’t understand boundaries at all. Apparently, Abigail keeps holding onto them and only stops when my kid tells her to let go firmly.
She also apparently cries at school every time my kid isn’t paying attention to her. They told me once that, a month back, they were in art class with their friend, sitting in the back of the room. Abigail apparently asked if she could sit with them and my kid and their friend said it was okay, but five minutes later, Abigail ran out of the room crying.
When my kid asked her why later that day, she apologized and said it was because she felt left out of the conversation my kid and their friend were having.
A few days ago, Abigail’s mom called me and asked if we could organize something where Abigail and my kid could hang out one-on-one. I asked my kid how they felt about this, and they told me they have been very stressed out lately and don’t want to have to talk to Abigail at this time.
I told them that it was okay and they didn’t have to do anything they weren’t comfortable with, but my husband overheard and told them that they were being selfish by not seeing Abigail. Then he got mad at me and is now calling us both selfish. I’m starting to think that he’s right, Abigail IS a lonely girl who needs friends.
I don’t know what to think.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Oof I feel for this autistic girl and her struggle, but your child is not a toy. They have their own thoughts and feelings, and also this really awesome thing called bodily autonomy. I really hope Abigail can get to a place where she doesn’t make others uncomfortable, or at least find somebody who is comfortable with her the way she is.
The reality is that your kid has made it clear that person will not be them, and no one can force them to change that.” BarfQueen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your kid did NOT sign up to be a caretaker/babysitter or even a friend to another human being. I empathize with Abigail and want her to be happy, but her happiness (not to mention anything about her life) is neither your child’s nor your responsibility.
Your kid should be as stress-free as possible, period. Social stress is just not something they need to be given more of, especially in high school. If anything I’d suggest a game plan to solve the issue with kindness and boundaries instead of continuing to feel obligated to engage in the juggling act or protecting Abigail’s feelings.” died_blond
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your child is entitled to set boundaries. I feel for poor Abigail but her loneliness and neediness do not entitle her to violate your child’s physical and emotional space. As long as your child is not bullying Abigail and remains kind in their limited contact this is not something you as a parent need to or should interfere with.
Your child has eloquently expressed that they find being with Abigail to be stressful and exhausting. This is detrimental to your child’s mental health. You are doing the right thing in protecting your child and supporting them.” Any-Blackberry-5557
I absolutely detest lazy parents. Abigail's mother sounds like a real winner.
14. AITJ For Saying That My Father-In-Law Embarrasses Me?
“I (F28) and my husband (M30) just had our first son after being married for four years. He is 2 weeks old and we all love him very much.
My in-laws have been very nice to my husband and me, and although they are a bit old-fashioned we all get along very well.
When the baby was born, my MIL gave us some baby nail clippers while my FIL gave us lots of modesty cloths. I thought this was a little strange, but my husband said his Dad was just like that and we shouldn’t take too much notice of it.
Nothing really changed after that. FIL often was the first to push a modesty cloth in my face when I was about to feed the baby, but I assumed that was just because he was eager to be useful and showcase his gift to us. That is until we had dinner with his friends.
FIL and MIL invited us out to dinner with some of their old friends.
We like their friends, so gladly accepted, but when we got there FIL was very on edge and was watching me like a hawk. I didn’t notice at first and was very relaxed, but then I started to breastfeed without the modesty cloth and things went down.
FIL immediately snapped at me and practically shoved the thing over my head.
His friends laughed and said they didn’t mind if I fed openly in there, but FIL told them they didn’t have to hide their discomfort and that I was embarrassing everyone.
At this point, I was kinda annoyed, and I told him the only one embarrassing people here was him. He got really mad and told me and my husband we should leave.
It’s been two days, and I’ve tried calling him multiple times to apologize but he and MIL have been ignoring me. I feel kinda like a jerk because I made him uncomfortable in front of his friends, and my husband agrees that I was in the wrong, but I feel like I need some new perspective on the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband needs to reevaluate his stance as well. Your baby needs to eat? It is not embarrassing to feed a child! Repeat that until you are confident that you did nothing wrong and can continue to do so. Tell him your child needed feeding. If he doesn’t want you to breastfeed he can chip in for formula or help you pump and feed the baby.” scarletcross37
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but everyone else in this story is, especially your husband. How could he stand there and allow his father to throw a cloth on his wife and how dare he berates you for standing up for yourself? As for your MIL, she probably has known that he is bothered by you breastfeeding uncovered, and instead of telling him to grow up, she stands by and allows him to embarrass you this way.
I have an issue with your FIL’s friends too. They said they don’t care if you breastfeed without a modesty cloth but then they stood by and watched their friend yell at you for it. You don’t owe anyone an apology for this and I think that you need to realize that your husband’s behavior in all this is problematic.” Mother_Tradition_774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, seems like both men in this situation have a problem separating their relationship to women’s bodies from their actual purpose in sustaining life. If you knew he was uncomfortable you definitely could have been accommodating to that but even that would have been an extra courtesy for him, and shaming women into breastfeeding in secret is so outdated and immature.
Sounds to me like you have 3 babies to deal with, not just one.” User
13. AITJ For Deleting Pictures Of Myself From My Ex's Phone?
“My ex has taken a lot of pictures of me and our baby in the last 2 months even though I hate having pictures taken of me right now.
He knows I hate it but he keeps telling me I’ll regret it later when our son is older if I don’t have these pictures and promised he wouldn’t show anybody else them.
I ended up deleting the majority of them when he left his phone unattended because I hated them and he had pictures of me breastfeeding which I don’t want him to have even if you can’t really see anything.
I never told him I did it but he noticed recently and is mad at me for touching his phone without permission and deleting the pictures even though I only deleted the ones with me in them.
During one fight I called him a creep for taking pictures of me breastfeeding and I threatened to move out if he didn’t stop bringing it up.
Things are awkward and tense between us now as he’s still angry with me so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make it very clear and explicit so there can be no confusion. Potentially even text it so you have a record. ‘I have asked you to stop taking photos of me. Do not take any photos of me.
If you want to take a photo of our child you can do so without me in the photo. Continuing to take photos of me when I have asked you not to is harassment. If you persist, I will take further action.’
Then do it – move out, go no contact, seek police advice or a restraining order – you have a right not to be photographed.
For your information: people have the right not to have photos taken of them against their will, especially when they’re in a vulnerable position such as being partially exposed and having a baby. Being in a relationship or being an ex doesn’t change that at all.
Ex could have photographed the baby. He could have taken photos of him with the baby.
He instead chose to violate OP’s clearly stated boundaries while she was partially exposed and vulnerable. I wonder why that was?
Red flags for abuse OP – get all your documents together, check your bank details, get in touch with family and friends who can support you – be ready to run.” nmerald
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he didn’t have permission to take your picture, so you deleted them. If he doesn’t need permission, neither do you. That’s it. If you regret it later or not is your business, not his.
It’s nice that he thinks of you and what you might regret later. Many mothers have too less pictures of themselves with their kids, because they’re the only ones providing for everybody, including taking pictures.
But still: your business, not his. Taking pictures should base on consent.” Snackgirl_Currywurst
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he did not have consent to take photos of you. He was explicitly told not to take photos of you. So he took photos of you breastfeeding, a vulnerable and intimate act that only you should have a say in being visually documented. You had every right to get rid of pictures of yourself that were taken without your consent, it does not matter what his intentions were regarding the pictures.
Your consent is more important than his intent.” SkettiPuddin
This woman is absolutely NTJ!! It’s her body, no matter what she’s doing! Her ex is being really creepy by taking pics of her breastfeeding (well any pics of her) without her consent. Trust me, NO kid is going to want to see those memories, and it sounds like mom doesn’t want to either.
12. AITJ For Not Agreeing To Be My Friend's Son's Godfather?
“I have been friends with Jerry (not his name) for as long as I can remember. He’s a good man and someone who I’m proud to say is my friend.
He’s a Catholic Christian, and from my understanding, they baptize their children very early (days or months after birth).
I support his religious beliefs 100%. However, he has asked me to be the godfather of the kid. Look, if this was just about being a godfather, it would be alright. But, this involves a religious background.
Essentially, alongside taking care of the child if something happens to the parents, it is the duty of the godfather to guide the children on the path of religion.
That’s the problem. I’m an Atheist and have been since I was a child. I can’t, in good conscience, accept this. Furthermore, I’m not fit to lead anyone through a religion I don’t believe in.
I told him I was flattered that he thought so much of me, and I was extremely grateful. However, I wasn’t fit to accept that. I don’t believe in religion or faith, and thus, it would be vile to me to accept such an important position within his faith.
Well, he seemed taken back. Apparently, he thought I’d just accept and deal with it later on.
He’s feeling betrayed and honestly, from what I can gather, thinks I’m a big jerk.
Jerry is my friend, and I really don’t want to let him down. However, this position makes me extremely uncomfortable. AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you’re not comfortable being a godfather in the way that the Catholic church expects, then you’re within your right to decline.
But I think I would talk to Jerry about what being a godfather means to him. He may just want you to participate in the baptism, but his views of you being a godparent to his child may merely be just about building more community and love around his kiddo.” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because you’re refusing for the wrong reasons by assuming, based on ignorance, about what is expected and you’re probably wrong.
I respect your right to refuse but refuse for the right reasons.
‘Essentially, alongside taking care of the child if something happens to the parents, it is the duty of the godfather to guide the children on the path of religion.’
In practice, it’s neither.
In most western countries being a child’s godfather doesn’t come with any legal obligation or rights.
Parents must specify in a legal document, which isn’t religious at all, who will be their children’s guardians in the event of their death. If no such legal document exists, the legal authorities will ask the extended family first and if the family doesn’t step up, the kids go to foster care. A godfather or godmother will have no claim.
As far as the religious stuff, most people don’t bother with it at all. The reality is that it’s an honorary position where your friend hopes that you create a special ‘big brother’ or ‘big sister’ relationship with their child.
Talk to your friend and learn more about what they expect, then decide.” HarveySnake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you guys need to talk. Seriously. You may be visualizing what godparents mean to you. He may be envisioning something entirely different. Godparents are religious but I can’t think of a suitable non-religious counterpart for a guardian uncle who would assume a different role. He can maybe make someone else godparents, like someone a lot older who can do the church thing.
Then he can make you primary guardian through an attorney. Everybody’s happy. If the worst actually happens, the son would be your legal responsibility and guardian w/o the God part. Try not to lose your friend over this. He’s hurting and so are you.” dinahdog
11. AITJ For Getting A Free IPad From My Friend's Mom?
“I was video chatting with my (16f) friend Cindy (16f) and her mom came to her room to ask if she was sure she didn’t want the iPad, she said she was sure and her mom left. I asked her what that was about and Cindy says her mom won an iPad at work, but they already have an iPad that no one ever uses, so her mom’s going to turn down the gift. I was like, wait, I want it!
So Cindy ran down to ask her mom and when she came back, she said her mom said I can have it! I was so happy! We have just one computer for all of us (mom, brother, and me) and it’s annoying having to share. And we pretty much only get to use it for school because my brother and I are both in high school so it’s not often that no one needs the computer for school.
I was so happy! But my mom heard everything since the computer is in the living room and she got so mad at me for asking for the iPad. She said I shouldn’t be asking for such a large gift and my brother agrees that I’m the jerk for asking for it.
So yesterday, Cindy’s mom dropped off the iPad and it’s an iPad Pro with a keyboard and pencil!
I’d be able to use it for school and won’t have to share the computer with my brother! But now my mom is making me feel so guilty. She’s not forcing me to return it exactly, but she’s saying I should gift Cindy something of similar value if I don’t give it back. I looked up how much everything would cost and no way I’d be able to afford it.
But they didn’t want it, so was it wrong of me to ask? I’m playing with it now, but feel so bad about it. But I feel like I did nothing wrong!
Edit: I talked to my mom a bit more and as long as I only use it in the living room or dining room, she’s okay with it.
She thinks the iPad will be easier to hack or something, I don’t understand, but now I don’t feel guilty anymore! And I didn’t think of doing something nice for Cindy’s mom, but I will now!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You sound very appreciative. So let them know. Write a really nice thank you letter.
Honestly, you can grab quite a bit from here. School was hard because… but this gift helps you and your brother do better in school by… Bake some nice cookies and give them to them with the gift. Something of equal value doesn’t need to mean equal cost. The cost to her and you was zero.
That’s not where the value is.” tealcandtrip
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your mom should be thankful! It’s a nice thing to do that didn’t even cost anyone any money, and you had no idea what it was all worth when you asked. Like the saying goes, ‘it never hurts to ask.’
Working hard and doing good in school is also a way the let her know you appreciate the gift. I would maybe try to get something for her that is useful if you wanted to reciprocate.
Like a gift card to where you know she gets coffee regularly or where she gets her nails done. That way she is saving money when she wants to treat herself.
Your mom is a soft jerk, I can understand her apprehension. As an older person with more experience, when someone is given a gift, some people feel like you should be indebted to them, and your mom probably just doesn’t want to feel like she owes her something.
Know what I mean? But once she knew the iPad winner was cool with it and didn’t do it expecting something in return, she should have laid off the harping about it.” miss_t_winter
Another User Comments:
“Aww, that’s so kind of your friend’s mom. I’m pretty sure she feels happy she was able to help you.
The appropriate response to such a large gift is not another gift of a similar value, but gratitude. A handwritten thank you card or letter with perhaps a bunch of flowers, (or maybe a homemade wreath since it’s seasonal) would be both polite and appropriate.
Your mum is feeling pressure to reciprocate, likely from pride at not wanting to feel like she is not providing for the family.
Just reassure her that although it wasn’t a necessity it was unwanted by them and will really help both you and your brother in your schoolwork, so it’s a win-win all around.
NTJ.” JWJulie
10. AITJ For Releasing Years Of Frustration When My Dad Asked For Funds?
“I (24 M) am middle-eastern and was born in another, wealthier middle-eastern country after my father married my mom and moved her there for his ‘job’. My mom gave birth to me and my older sibling in that country and had to navigate the job market on her own in a new country. My father was never home and as it turns out never actually had a job.
My mother had to work while continuing to study and provide as my father scoffed at job openings since they were ‘beneath him’.
Finally, my mother had enough of him and divorced him when I was 3. She let him stay in the house after the divorce for 6 months so that he does not end up homeless.
My first memory of him was at 9 years old as he claimed to be too busy and far out to see us. Turns out he was living four streets away. Despite that, he had also refused to hand my mother full custody of us which significantly delayed our immigration to a country in the west. It is important to note in this story that we would have had no future in the country we lived in as it was generally hostile towards migrants.
My mother finally managed to pay him off by giving away custody so that we can leave the country. He had been radio silent ever since.
Fast forward 10 years. I am a broke 19-year-old student and get a friend request on social media from my father. I reluctantly accepted and was surprised to see that he messaged me right away.
‘Hello’, he said. ‘Hi baba’, I said. He then skips past the greetings and demands that we either send him funds or help him come to the country we immigrated to. I kinda stalled for as long as I can as I did not know what to do. This continues for the next few years as he kept messaging me under the guise of a birthday or a holiday to ask the same request… until yesterday.
I had posted on social media that I successfully completed my master’s degree and he commented on the post with a half-hearted congratulations and then immediately messaged me with the usual demand. I finally snapped. For the following 30 minutes, I proceeded to rip him to shreds about having the nerve to demand the fruits of my mother’s hard labor.
Labor that he hindered with years of spiteful non-compliance. He tried to give me one of the most insincere apologies I have ever heard in my life and attempted to paint my mother as the villain who took his children away by force. I didn’t think I could get any angrier, but I avoided any harsh language out of respect and calmly (as calm as I could be being that angry) told him that I will not do as he asks and that I will accept no attempts of communication from him.
Now I am getting angry messages from uncles and cousins telling me that I am an entitled brat and that I should give up my last name as they think I am a disgrace. Am I in the wrong here? AITJ?
Edit: I make a fairly decent amount of money and it wouldn’t hurt me to send him funds that I would otherwise save.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not accede to his request. If you don’t want to block him then just respond to his messages without actually addressing his request. If he emigrates he will most likely continue his entitled behavior and be a drag on you and your siblings so let him stay where he’s been for the past years.
It’s completely normal that you feel some resentment towards him for what he put your mom and you guys through but in order not to have tons of his relatives call to harangue you I would suggest you just be polite but don’t engage.
Good luck.” Rude_Vermicelli2268
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He has contributed nothing to your life.
He has done nothing for you or your family except take advantage of your hard-working mother. If you wish to pay anyone for anything it should be your mother. The man is not a father, he is a user & you should stop all contact with him & with anyone who thinks he has not abused the relationship.
He has not been there for you & is only contacting you now to help him. This relationship has not been for you, it has been for him using you as he used others.” Outrageous_Tea_8048
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He didn’t step up as a father, and can’t demand respect he hasn’t earned. Don’t support any visa applications he may try to make, if it’s like New Zealand you’d be responsible for him financially if you sponsor him on a visa.
Also, warn your mother and siblings he’s trying to get stuff out of you.
Your Middle Eastern background would support your extended family supporting the family patriarch no matter how badly he dropped the ball.” ScorchieSong
9. AITJ For Telling My Cousin's Partner About Her True Feelings?
“My cousin had a significant other all throughout high school. They got together in their freshman year and split towards the end of their senior year. She never told me why and it doesn’t really matter. I just know she was hurt and although she tried to play it cool it was obvious she was affected.
A few months later, she started hanging out with a guy but just as friends. I think they were already going out for a year or so when I talked to her about it and she made it very clear that she still loves her ex and misses and still talks to him on a daily basis.
About the guy she was hanging out with, she told me he is a super cool guy and he obviously likes her but she’s not interested, that she got mad at him when he kissed her once during a nye party and she only sees him as a friend.
I never went out with them both but from my brief interactions with him and from what she told me he seemed like a very cool guy.
My mom (who talks to my cousin more than I do) talked to him and she liked him too.
It’s been around a year since the talk I had with her and somewhere along the way, they became a couple. Good for them, she got over her ex and found a guy that praises her and treats her great, right?
Wrong.
I talked to her a few months ago and she told me how she still loves her ex, how they still talk from time to time, and that if he would want to get back together she wouldn’t hesitate. She didn’t even talk about her current SO.
Long story short, last weekend I somehow ended up drinking with her current SO.
We talked a lot about a whole bunch of crap and he is a really good guy. At some point, we got to talking about my cousin and although I know I shouldn’t have I told him about my cousin’s feelings and about how our conversation went. I didn’t tell him he should break up with her or anything, I gave no advice, I just told him how it was.
Now look, she is obviously still upset over her ex and it still affects her to this day and I am sorry for it, but I don’t think she should drag her current SO into all this. At least no more than she already did. I know it wasn’t my place to talk, and I and my cousin always trusted one another with important stuff, but I just didn’t think this guy deserves someone who doesn’t see him as their first option.
Haven’t heard from either of them since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yes, YTJ. You don’t get to mess with other people’s relationships, period. It’s not up to you to decide what Good Guy knows or doesn’t know about your cousin’s feelings for her ex. You could have strongly encouraged her not to lead on Good Guy if that’s really what she’s doing, but the rest is none of your business.
Frankly, your cousin’s big mistake was in thinking you were a trustworthy person to confide in. I doubt she’ll be making that error again.” bambina821
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Look your cousin should not be leading this guy on, but instead of telling him what she thought of him, you should have spoken to her and told her to make it clear to this guy that she does not like him in that way.
You didn’t have to involve yourself in this because you’ll be blowing up your relationship with your cousin for doing so. Had you talked to her and told her that she should be honest with the guy or else you would, I can kinda see how that would be fair, but that’s not the route you went with.” devilsgirl87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you excuse the trashy things they do to people. She’s stringing this guy along because he thinks she likes him when in reality she’s just using him to fill in the loneliness from losing her ex. This isn’t a rebound if it’s become an actual relationship.
Maybe you should’ve told her to tell her partner first but she’s still the bigger jerk.” Mista_Cash_Ew
Another User Comments:
“I think what you did was morally right.
But this is really a question of what matters more to you, the morally right decision or your loyalty to your cousin.
Since your cousin trusts you, you two should be able to tell each other what’s on your minds even if you’re in the wrong and know that it’s safe to tell the other one (assuming you have that kind of relationship).
Just tell her that it was a mistake and apologize. You were wasted and didn’t do it on purpose (still apologize though you owe her that).
Everyone sucks here.” bitofabothertbh
8. AITJ For Forcing My Parents To Replace My Car With Their Vacation Fund?
“I (f17) live with my parents. I have an older sister (29) that they had when they were super young.
Like I think my mom was 19 and my dad was 18.
They did not do a great job with her and she has a lot of problems. She is chronically unemployed and she is a thief.
She has two kids that are okay. They live with us as well because her partner didn’t want them around.
I like the kids but they are spoiled little brats my parents dote on to make up for being trashy parents to their mom.
My parents won’t let me put a lock on my door because it is their house and they don’t want that. No problem. I talked to the kids and explained what would happen if they came into my room without permission.
We have an understanding.
Well, my sister broke up with her partner and she needed a place to stay. I begged my parents not to let her stay with us. They declined. So I begged again for a lock for my door. No dice.
I have to go to school so I can’t guard my stuff at all times.
When I came home on Friday I found my car absolutely trashed and the side of it destroyed.
My sister had gone into my room, found my spare key and taken my car. Then lost control on the ice after a day of eating crap and tossing fast food wrappers everywhere. She sideswiped a tree.
When I saw my car I was livid. I told my parents that I expected her to pay to fix it. They said she didn’t have any money. So I said that I would call my grandparents. They helped me get the car and insurance.
After talking with my grandfather I came back to talk to my parents.
I said that the insurance would cover fixing or replacing my car depending on the damage. But that I would have to file a police report. And that my sister would probably be charged for stealing my car. They begged me to tell insurance that she had permission. I said nope.
So rather than go through insurance they are replacing my car.
But they are using money that they had set aside to take me and my nieces to Orlando next summer for my graduation. It’s fine. I can do without seeing Disney World again. But my parents, sister, and nieces are upset with me and saying that I’m a jerk for denying my nieces the opportunity to go on a vacation that they have never had.
I just asked them if a lock for my door would have been cheaper.
AITJ?
EDIT: There is a deadbolt on my bedroom door. And my mom gave me a key. She says that she is keeping the other one for emergencies. I agreed as long as it was only for emergencies.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your parents are STILL bad parents to her and her kids. Letting kids get away with everything and not having to face consequences is, in my opinion, awful because then they have no idea how to function in the real world.
If your parents had actually learned anything about parenting, they’d make your sister deal with this or would at least force her to get a job to repay them… if they did that, then the kids wouldn’t miss out on Disney.
Every single aspect of this has been your parents’ fault, and they are still failing.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your parents are toxic and your sister is a Rat. It’s about time for your sister to realize that she can’t get away with this at all. And it’s time for your parents to stop condoning your sister’s behavior as well.
File the police report. That will scare your sister straight. And maybe she’ll think twice next time. If she hasn’t killed herself from her recklessness.” Acrylicyew3
Another User Comments:
“You are the jerk. Your sister is family. You don’t snitch on family. You are hurting your nieces. You just need to******* up and accept that these things can happen.
Accept that you won’t have a car for the time being. Get a job and save up for a new car yourself.
Hopefully, you have noticed that the above paragraph was sarcastic. Of course NTJ. Your sister made her bed and needs to lie in it. Sadly, the above paragraph is literally how your parents think.
You should go to the cops and file a police report. If your parents pay for a new car, your sister won’t learn from her mistakes. Then, her parents enabled her behavior.
However, since you live with your parents, there is one problem. They might punish you for going to the cops or demanding that your parents pay for a new car.
They might ground you, take your phone away or even kick you out. Your sister is clearly the golden child. Your parents clearly hate you for not just letting things slide. So if you go to the cops or ask your parents for money for a new car, prepare for some heavy consequences, as sad and unfair as it is.
Are you able to move out? Or live with your grandparents? This is very important. You might need to escape if your parents are going to punish you out of resentment, which is extremely likely to happen.” McMerseybird
Oh, and regardless of whether or not your parents pay for replacing your car (which they should, since they didn't allow you to protect yourself from this happening), FILE CHARGES FOR THEFT AGAINST YOUR SISTER. Since your parents don't choose to parent, seems she's doomed to have others enforce decent adult behaviour on her, and this is a dandy way to start. PLEASE don't let her get away with this. Next time, she could take your car, kill someone and then YOU'D be on the hook because it's your car.
Praying you get out of that house of horrors ASAP.
7. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Eat Lunch At Home?
“My wife (33f) and I (40m) both work from home, I own a business and have an employee who comes to my home office every day.
I was planning on taking my employee out for lunch and asked my wife if she wanted to join us. She got ready and asked when we were leaving, but my employee was still wrapping up work and needed a bit before we could leave. I told her maybe 10 or 20 minutes. She looked upset and said it might be too late for lunch and she might not have time before her next meeting.
I repeated that my employee still needed time and that we’d be leaving shortly.
She goes on to do other things around the house and comes back after a bit asking again if we could leave now. She seemed visibly upset and I told her ‘If you’re starting to get upset, you can just stay home and eat hot dogs or something’.
She went back to work without a word. When my employee and I were ready to go, I went to see her and sure enough, she was mad at me. We had a bit of a fight, she thought I was being rude. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you could’ve apologized you made her stop her job to go to lunch you invited her to join you on.
Instead of apologizing about the hopefully unavoidable delay, you were rude and disrespectful and told her to stay home instead of communicating an average time delay to her so she could work around you and your coworker’s work.
You need to apologize to your wife.” sobsb
Another User Comments:
“You’re the boss so you could’ve told your employee to stop working, take a quick lunch break as planned with your wife, then finish when you returned.
You didn’t do that, therefore YTJ!
You didn’t include this in your post, but I’m just guessing that you even gave your wife an approximate time you were anticipating going to lunch & that’s when she 1st came to you, ready to go to lunch. Then you were outright RUDE the 2nd time she asked if you were ready yet!
By the time you & your employee were ready for lunch, which obviously wasn’t within the 10-20 minute time period you 1st told her, she was rightfully furious!
What do you expect? You delayed your wife’s work schedule by well over an hour to 1.5 hours to suit your schedule but not hers!
Do better!” bkupisch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She was upset because she wanted to go out for lunch, but your schedule was making it uncertain whether she’d have time. She was asking for an update to see if she’d be able to go because she was excited, and you told her to just eat at home implying her eagerness to go was off-putting to you.
She’s justifiably upset, and you’re not a jerk for misunderstanding the situation, but your suggestion to eat at home like she’s a child unaware of how to get their own food was condescending.” ncslazar7
6. AITJ For Telling My Fiancée To Just Pay The Debt?
“I (31) have about 67k in debt, between college, my car, and a little bit on my credit card. I’ve been making my monthly payments on all of them, but it will still be many decades before I’m debt-free.
My fiancee (29) is relatively debt-free.
This wasn’t always the case. She got a few scholarships to help with college but did still have to take out a few loans to finish things up. She had to get a new car because the old one was cursed and was in more accidents while parked than we can count. And she did go through a manic period and almost run up her credit card in her early 20s shopping so much.
However, she spent a lot of time getting her finances in order, worked multiple side gigs on top of her normal job, which I commend her for, and now is debt free except for her mortgage, for which she makes a ton of extra payments towards, and has almost 300k in investments, savings, etc. I’m very proud of her for everything she’s done.
Now that we’re engaged, we’re planning on moving in together (she had a roommate we had to wait for the lease to end on before I could move in), and she said before the wedding she wanted me to be debt free. We chose a date 3 years from now, since some of our family is out of the country and needs to save, and so it will be on our 7th anniversary, both of our favorite numbers.
She pulled out a spreadsheet of my debts, and pointed out how if I put all of my paychecks, minus maybe 200 a month for ‘fun money’ into paying off my debt, I’ll be debt free by the wedding. She would cover everything else – the mortgage, food, bills, insurance, our pets, vacations, date nights, etc. We could then both aggressively save for that last bit of time for a nice honeymoon and after that focus a good amount of our funds on taking out the mortgage and getting my own savings up to snuff.
I thought about it for a day or so and came back with this counteroffer: she pays off my debts and I pay her back in a year and a half, since I wouldn’t also have to be paying interest, we would put a bigger dent in the mortgage, and still stick to the timeline.
She seemed unhappy with this and said she would have to think about it first.
I casually mentioned it to my friends over a beer to get another perspective, and they said I’m the jerk, and they would do anything to have her two-year offer to get debt free, and that even if I paid her back, I’d still be taking a 1/5 of her savings for a year and a half.
So I’m here for judgment, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Financial freedom and independence are clearly hugely important to her. She is being so gracious and hardworking to cover all of the bills while you get your life together financially, and you want to ask for MORE? Also even if you want her to loan you the funds, you need to get it all done in writing with strict timelines for payback and clear compensation for her when/if you can’t.
If you can’t figure out how to meet her need for a debt-free partner then end it now and let her move on to someone with similar goals.” KartlindWitch
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her plan was very nice and generous. You have valid points but you’re missing the ONE reason your plan doesn’t make sense.
It doesn’t protect her. She’s already helping you by paying for all of your bills while you get debt free. That’s a huge risk in and of itself. Don’t ask for even more when she is already offering you a great plan that also helps her feel protected.
If she just immediately pays off all your debt and you decide to leave her, then what?
She’s out in the cold and you’re debt-free running off to be with a new cooler model.
Not saying that is your plan but I can see why she isn’t okay with just paying it off for you and how it would make her feel too vulnerable or exposed.” ReadingSad3238
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Her plan was thoughtful, and solid, and kept your unmarried debt separate, and your counter seems to only benefit you.
She’s been working really hard to get herself into a great financial position and you basically just want her to snap her fingers to make your debt go away while taking away from her savings trajectory. Maybe ask her to go over her spreadsheet and how she came up with the numbers so you can understand her thought process and get on the same page.” RealTalkFastWalk
5. AITJ For Lying About How I Watch My Nephew?
“My (25f) nephew (3m) is a high-energy child something my FSIL (23f) who I’ll call S refuses to accept.
She has the belief that she’s the parent and regardless of anything, nephew should listen perfectly and when he doesn’t, she punishes him. We currently live in the same house so it’s hard to watch especially knowing he’s not ‘acting out’ but just being a kid.
It’s important to note I don’t have kids but I’ve been a caregiver for pretty much every kid in my family and realize every kid is different.
She works in childcare and often applies daycare rules to her parenting. Now I say this to say how her parenting is 100% up to her but the issue has come up because when my nephew is with me while his behavior isn’t perfect (not expected) there’s an obvious difference when I watch him.
Ex. When she puts him down for a nap getting him down takes 1-2hrs or he won’t pick up toys or really engage in activities she gives him.
Just to give one example: The reason nap time is an issue is from the time he wakes up she sticks a tablet in front of him expecting him to sit there ALL DAY without disturbing her despite him having a room full of toys; he’s the only kid and gets restless.
If she does let him play with toys it’s for all of 5 mins so the house doesn’t get ‘dirty’. She’ll also give him sugary snacks right before nap time with 0 time to run off. When he’s with me while I let the tv play in the background I let him choose up to 5 toys and let him run wild in a controlled and supervised area.
I also won’t let him have anything besides fruit before his nap and I often will play with him for 10-20 so he’s not alone.
So when I say it’s nap time he’s often sleepy at this point and goes down with little to no issue. She’ll ask what I’m doing but gets mad and tells me I’m not a parent and then proceeds to get frustrated with me when her method doesn’t work.
At this point, I got annoyed at this and just started lying and saying I give him a treat just to get her off my back. Unknowingly to me, she installed a nanny cam, and when I was babysitting him obviously she saw all the things I do. She came home and accused me of undermining her parenting and so on saying I was a jerk for not doing what she does but she knows some of her methods make me downright uncomfortable and truthfully he gives lots of trouble vs when I use other methods.
So AITJ for lying?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you tell her the truth, she doesn’t like it. So you quit telling her the truth and she doesn’t like that either. Your sister-in-law is not only being a bad parent, but her behavior also is idiotic and if she keeps up like this, she and your nephew are going to have major issues as he gets older.
I also cringe at the thought this woman works in childcare because she obviously doesn’t have a clue in the freaking world what she is doing. She’s all about making sure the child doesn’t bother her or cause her to have to put forth any effort as opposed to trying to help him be a normal child.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I can understand that she’s probably got a bruised ego from being wrong, but she should be mature enough to accept what you’re doing is working better and maybe even try to do the same. Kids want attention and they want to run around, it’s kinda stupid to expect them not to.
As for the lying yeah it’s a bit bad to lie to her but it’s not like you didn’t try to tell her the truth so it’s not enough to make you the jerk.” Axuros
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it sounds like it’s time for you to take a step back from this and maybe not watch your nephew as often as you do.
She clearly holds herself in high regard and feels that your being able to get him to do things undermines her. There’s a reason the saying ‘It takes a village’ exists because even as a parent, we don’t always get it right. Your FSIL obviously has some hang-ups, which are not your problem, but it might be in your best interest to remove yourself a bit, ESPECIALLY if she’s putting up nanny cams. As a side note: you might want to check the laws about that where you are.
I could be wrong, but I think it might be illegal to record someone without their consent.” litt3lli0n
4. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Cousin Have Her Wedding At My Family's Property?
“I (27M) am the owner of a property that was formerly my grandpa’s home.
My grandpa was a farmer and he had this awesome property built whenever my mom and her sisters were in high school. This was the family house, which my grandpa also built a giant garage on which my cousins have been using as a reception hall the last few years for their weddings. When my grandma died my grandpa and I started hanging out more and I worked at the property since I was little.
I am the only grandson he had. All my cousins on my mom’s side are girls.
In 2018 my grandpa passed away and I was left with the property. This caused a bunch of drama in the family. But I know exactly why my grandpa did it. My grandpa was not a perfect person. He was very old-fashioned. Hated divorce and was very traditional. His beliefs clashed with his daughters.
He wanted to hand his farm down to a son. He didn’t have any and none of my aunts married the type of dudes he liked. So I became the de facto option. My grandpa especially disliked how my aunts were in their relationships cause he preached commitment. That man loved and was loyal to my grandma.
My cousin (28F) is getting married this fall. I’m at my parents’ house and my aunt goes ‘well the reception will be at the house’. I told her nobody has talked to me yet. She said that since every other cousin had their reception there it should be a tradition. I said sure but they all asked me and I wanted them there.
Her daughter didn’t ask me and I don’t support the wedding.
It’s a really legit reason. This is my cousin’s second wedding. I’m not even close with her. We differ politically so I have her muted on social media. I didn’t even know she was engaged. I and this cousin hardly speak.
Also, this is her second marriage. She had an affair with this dude. Who was also married at the time? My grandpa would never approve of that or want that on his property. Also, I would have to be involved in the set up and clean up if it’s at the house. I don’t care to sacrifice my time.
If she wants to rent the property and my time. Then she can pay me a premium for the short notice. But I’m not doing it for free.
I explained this all to my aunt and my cousin. They both threw a fit and tried having my mom talk to me. She tried pulling the family card and a guilt trip about my cousin having no money.
I said my cousin has no money because of her divorce. It’s a sham wedding and her dad wouldn’t support it and she knows that. There was a reason that her dad didn’t trust the property of his own kids. I said all my other cousins have been good people so I was willing to help.
But this cousin and aunt are rude. My mom said I won’t be invited to Christmas most likely then. I said okay find another venue while you are at it (the house is the hangout spot for Christmas). My dad is calling me a jerk but I need fair judgment. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it is your property. It is common courtesy to at least reach out to you before assuming that it is OK to use the family farm. All differences politically and lifestyle aside, they are not entitled to the use of your land or time. You do need to be prepared that this will change the dynamic of the relationship you have with your family, including your parents.
If you can sincerely live with that so be it.
Just because you are NTJ (in my opinion) doesn’t mean you are going to be in the right with your family. With that, you do have to respect that people get to live their lives how they wish, including poor choices. While I respect you and your grandfather’s values, those were HIS values, and the property is now yours and you should use it in line with YOUR values.
Nobody in your family is obligated to live their life according to his wishes and world view.” tacospaghettidad2
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You suck for using your grandpa’s sexist and bigoted views as an excuse for not wanting your family to use your home. And if you agree with his views, you’re the jerk for that.
Your aunt sucks for just expecting you to be okay with having a wedding/reception at your house without asking.
Your mom sucks for thinking she can just uninvite you to a gathering in your own home.
At this point, your whole family needs help.” KimChiDiva
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You’re within your (legal) rights to tell them no, and they certainly should have talked to you first before just assuming they could have it there.
But, you’re still a jerk. You only got the property because your grandfather is a jerk. If he had ‘done the right thing’ he’d have split the property up equally amongst his children. Instead, he excluded them because they were female and he didn’t like their husbands. Because of his backward views, you benefitted more than any of the rest of your family.
Instead of being gracious and letting all your cousins (including this one) have their receptions there (which, in my opinion, is the least you can do given all the rest of them probably got a pittance for inheritance), you are singling her out to exclude her because it’s her 2nd marriage.
The fact that your grandfather wouldn’t have wanted that doesn’t matter, because he’s dead now and frankly he sounds like a jerk, at least in terms of some of his views.
I just really can’t imagine anybody hateful enough to effectively disinherit his own children over such stupid trivial things. Maybe they inherited something else from him, but I doubt it was worth anywhere near what the property was.” WellAckshully
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
No one is entitled to show up to someone’s home and business and throw a wedding.
Period. They aren’t entitled to your time or your property. The same goes for Xmas. I mean, how does mom think uninviting the host is going to work?
But your attitude sucks. Just because grandpa got away with being a judgmental jerk doesn’t mean that you are immune from the consequences of sharing the same opinions with everyone who will listen.
I mean, I’d not think well of two people who had an affair and are marrying their affair partner. I’d be in the corner quietly betting on when the third wedding will be. But I wouldn’t be bad-mouthing them to the family over things that don’t affect me, and I wouldn’t choose their infidelity as the hill to publicly die on.
All you had to say was ‘Cousin doesn’t talk to me, didn’t tell me she was engaged, and did not ask, did not even check to see if the date was feasible. For telling me that she was using the farm, she can now either pay for my time and access to the barn, or she can go elsewhere.’ And left it at that.
Simple, easy, very hard to argue with.” Cryptographer_Alone
It's easy to see why grampa left the property to you. If this is how your aunts raised their children, to be rude and disrespectful, I side with him and you. And I'd be telling them that unless and until you are treated with respect and ASKED about having events at YOUR home, they get to rent a venue for any future family gatherings, because YOUR home will be unavailable.
Well done!
3. AITJ For Uninviting My Parents From My Wedding?
“My parents are overbearing people. They have huge personalities and steamroll everyone who gets in their way.
At my little sister’s wedding this summer they were especially obnoxious.
They made terrible speeches, got the DJ to play crappy music for the ‘older folks’, and tried to get the photographer to do family pictures for people not in the wedding party ‘since they were here anyway and everyone is dressed up’.
I could go on. But I won’t.
Afterward, I said that they had better not try any of that crap at my wedding. They said that it was who they were and that they weren’t going to change for anyone.
I talked to my fiance about it. And we uninvited them. I told them that they were welcome to come to the church as guests but that I did not want them near my wedding party during the pictures or at our reception.
They are not helping us pay for the wedding so we don’t really owe them anything.
My sister is on my side. But the rest of the family has split down the middle. Half understand why I don’t want them making a scene at my wedding. The other half is saying that my parents are who they are and it’s unfair of me to expect them to change for any reason.
EDIT: Here is some math from my sister’s wedding. My mother and father bullied my sister into taking pictures with each family group that was invited there were 15. Let’s pretend everything went smoothly, which it did not, that is an extra hour and a half of pictures in the middle of her wedding day. The reception started late because of my parents.
My sister was on her feet for an extra 90 minutes.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – However, there IS a middle-ground… It’s a word called ‘No’.
You simply let the DJ, photographer, caterer, florist, whoever is doing ‘security’ for you (ie. a friend that doesn’t care if your parents get mad at them), etc, know that there will be NO CHANGES, period.
If your parents start up, tell them ‘no’.
Then you tell them the rules. And the consequences. And that if they pull what they did with your sister’s wedding, they will be watching yours from the parking lot. That if they make a single demand, or try and change a single thing, they will be escorted out.
Then you follow through.
This lets them dig their own grave with their actions and relieves you of having to deal with them or any blame games. When they test a boundary, and vendors refuse their requests, they will see you were serious.
They are who they are, they are correct. And actions have consequences.
It’s better they learn now than if/when you have kids.” C_Alex_author
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – in fact, they uninvited them themselves. Nothing you mentioned is a character trait. Nothing is uncontrollable. You didn’t demand them to change, you demanded them to behave. They decided they don’t want to so they get what they earn.
It’s not like you demand someone to leave their wheelchair at home or someone claustrophobic to sit in a cupboard or an immigrant to talk properly with no accent etc. They just shall not mess around. That shouldn’t even have to need to request, that should be the bare minimum as a grown adult.
If they choose to ‘not change for anyone’ they choose to stay at home.” MadMaid42
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know that it rises to the level of being a jerk but… You don’t sound any more in touch with where the moderate middle ground is than they are. It’s NORMAL to have the photographer take pictures of family groups, not just your wedding party.
(They don’t get included in your album perhaps, but they are then available for those families to purchase themselves if they want. That’s happened to pretty much every wedding I’ve ever been to where a professional photographer was hired. They also take candids when no one, in particular, is looking.)
It is normal to have the DJ play a wide range of music that includes all the people who are there to dance.
Rather than telling your parents they can’t, instruct the DJ about what kinds of music you want, if there are things that are off limits, and if there are things you want to be moderated… I didn’t want any ‘chicken dance’/YMCA songs at my wedding. And I never even had to know if someone requested them because they just didn’t get played.
Unless you have big wholesale reasons to not have your parents at your wedding, uninviting them for stuff like this seems a little excessive. It sounds like you all need to work on your communication, and your ability to care what other people around you might need or want.” HalcyonDreams36
2. WIBTJ If I Don't Bake For My Family Anymore?
“I (15F) love baking, and for my 15th birthday, I made these delicious honey babka cakes. I’ve made them before for a French culture thing and my classmates LOVED them. They asked if I could bring them in again for my birthday, and I said yes. Unfortunately, I got the flu on Sunday (my birthday) so I only had about 15 to give away to my classmates, along with a cake for my family.
I decorated my classmates’ with colorful frosting (homemade) and sprinkles. I made sure to tell EVERYONE, especially my dad, that those aren’t to be touched because I’m giving them away.
I woke up this morning and they’re all gone, every last one of them. I’m about to cry, I was so excited to give my classmates something and they’re all gone.
I feel disrespected beyond belief.
I’m done baking for my family (there are 5 of us, including myself; grandma who can’t have sugar, brother who doesn’t like babka, mother who respects me, and dad). It’s clear my dad ate them and I’m just so mad.
WIBTJ if I stop baking for my family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You would totally not be the jerk if you stopped. But don’t stop baking if it’s something that brings you happiness, but make it very clear that your father is not welcome to the treats unless he asks. And don’t tell him to ask, make him figure that out on his own.
It will take him a while but when he sees the other people in your life getting treated by giving you respect, he should (hopefully) figure it out. But don’t stop baking, because it’s something you enjoy. Never let people stop what makes you happy. Or make like, his least favorite thing.
I don’t know how old your father is, but I’ve noticed men of a certain generation just expect things like this handed to them.
My own father still treats me (31F) like a teen who just got their license. I had to blatantly tell him that if he doesn’t treat me with the respect I deserve, I won’t see him anymore. Respect goes both ways.
Remember – Your feelings are valid and you deserve happiness. Don’t let someone else take that away.” HazardousLemonad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t need to bake for them if you don’t want to.
But… avoid any dramatic ‘I’ll never bake for my family again’ announcements. If your dad won’t respect a request to keep hands off, he’ll likely react poorly to such a declaration.
And honestly, you don’t even need to stop baking for them completely.
That would be punishing everyone for the misdeed of one. You just need to recognize that you have a family member that lacks respect for you and/or self-control. Then set your plans and expectations accordingly.
If you care what happens to the baked goods, bake them somewhere you know is safe. School or a friend’s house.
Bake at home only when you don’t care. When you do bake there, bake with the expectation that dad will continue to swipe the goods.
If he doesn’t and it’s a one-time thing, great. If he does continue this, it will at some point start to become an issue with your mom and brother who won’t be getting their share either.
Their outrage as other family members who are missing out will be more persuasive in resolving the issue than your current outrage as the baker with other plans for the goods.
Side note, if you must bake at home for people or events outside the home, be sure you’re buying your supplies separately from the normal home pantry supply.
You didn’t say anything on that either way, but it could be a factor.
If your dad’s reason involved a lack of respect, it may be in part an attitude of ‘My money paid for the supplies to bake them, I’m going to eat as many as I want’. It’s a very lousy attitude to have.
But some people will still go there.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
Another User Comments:
“Your dad ate 15 cakes? I’m a little impressed although he is the jerk. And I know it’s disappointing but you love to bake so tell your friends you’ll bring cakes for the First Official One Week Later Birthday Celebration. Or something like that.
They won’t say no just because it’s not your birthday. And as for your dad, you should be able to get a really good present out of him to make up for this. But it’s also a compliment. He must really like your baking. The bottom line – it’s a small thing. Don’t make it into something bigger.
It will be a funny story someday. Forgive the cake thief. Happy Birthday. NTJ.” Brennan_Boru1031
1. AITJ For Not Liking What My Partner's Family Did For My Birthday?
“When I heard that my partner’s family was making dinner and dessert for my birthday I was appreciative but a little confused because my partner and I had initially planned on going out for dinner.
But no big deal, we grabbed something for lunch to hold us over until then. We arrive at his mom’s house, and she’s made ribs, baked beans, and boxed mac and cheese, and chocolate cake. I only like one of these things which is baked beans. I appreciate the effort but it’s a bit annoying that I rearranged my previously agreed-upon plans for this and they didn’t even consider making things I like.
During the meal, his brother was rushing him through to get home and play a Rocket League tournament like spending time with me is inconvenient for their video gaming schedule. I talked to my partner about it because he noticed I was on edge and I explained that I’m not mad at him because he did put effort into my day (bought me an outfit for today, drank and smoked, got a coworker to cover his shift) but that I was frustrated with his family for the aforementioned reasons and he thinks I’m being too critical of them.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s totally understandable that you would be frustrated in this situation. It was your birthday and all you had for dinner was baked beans! Yes, they tried to do a nice thing, but impact matters as much as (or more than) intent. If they had truly wanted to celebrate your birthday, they would have asked what you wanted. You weren’t rude at the moment; you calmly expressed your frustration to your partner after the fact.
(This is also a little bit on him. He should have made sure whatever was happening would be fun for you or just thanked them for their thoughtfulness but explained that you already had plans.)
At the end of the day, their intention can be as sweet as honey, but it doesn’t change the fact that you had a less than satisfactory birthday dinner and it’s natural to be frustrated/disappointed by that.” bibliophileswiftie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. His mom went out of her way to make you a meal and a cake on your birthday. They didn’t have to invite you over at all. You’re their kid’s partner, not their child.
She made you a meal. Even if it wasn’t things you like, they still made an effort to spend time with you and give you dinner and cake.
Maybe she didn’t know your food preferences. Maybe it’s all she had readily available. Maybe she had a rough day and that’s all she had the ambition to make. Maybe it was just how the rest of the family eats and that’s what she prepared to feed her family. Regardless, it was a nice gesture to invite you to celebrate your birthday with them.
As for his brother, what would you expect from him? It’s not his birthday. You’re not his partner. He’s allowed to have other priorities than you. Especially since it was most likely his mom that invited you over and not the brother himself.
I get you went away feeling frustrated by being served food you don’t like, but you’re still being ungrateful for their efforts and acting entitled as if you have the right to be served only things you like and be the center of attention because it’s your birthday.
But, it’s still just another day and you were a guest.” Gorgeous-Angelface
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His mom tried to do something for you but doesn’t know you that well. It is a nice act, just missed the target. Your partner maybe needs to speak up and should have told his mom you two already had plans.
I would talk to him about boundaries, as it was your birthday and you spent it doing something you didn’t want to with his family.” slang_tang_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are mad and critical of the wrong people. Your partner’s mom tried to do something nice for you. So it missed the mark you’re mad at her that she only prepared one thing you like.
Did your partner TELL her that you already had plans or give her a menu that you would like? And the brother rushing the video game tournament… your partner obviously agreed to it despite knowing it was your birthday. This isn’t an inlaw problem. This is a ‘your partner is inconsiderate’ problem. He threw you a bone for lunch.
Big deal. It was a throwaway gesture so he could make a pretense of ‘doing something’ for your birthday so he could still do what he really wanted which was obviously stay home and play in the tournament with his brother.” Any-Blackberry-5557
