People Depend On Us To Determine Their Character In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
19. AITJ For Creating A PowerPoint Presentation About Why I'll Never Forgive My Father?
“My (24F) mom died when I was 7 from leukemia. I have very few memories of her from before she was sick and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her in her last year but she was an artist and until she couldn’t anymore she would make me little collages when she was in the hospital with drawings and photos and messages for me.
My grandmother put them all in a book for me after she died. I wanted to be like my mom and my counselor thought it would help, so I started a journal where I would do kind of a similar thing and I’ve done at least one page a week all these years ever since my mom died, more when I miss her or have something hard going on.
So, I have kind of a unique record of my mental state over the last 16 years.
My father remarried when I was 9. My stepmother really leaned hard into the ‘I’m your mom now’ and my father didn’t stop her. It improved when they had my half-brother because she basically forgot about me then.
Unfortunately, he got cancer when he was 3. And I pretty much ceased to exist for my father, he was either working or gone with my brother and I spent all my teen years mostly at home alone or with my grandparents. The mantra was that my brother needed to be the focus because he might die so I needed to not be selfish since I was healthy.
I stopped trying to talk to him when I was 16 and it was a dark time. I moved out when I was 18 and cut them off completely.
My grandparents let me know that my brother died a couple of years ago but respected my desire to remain in no contact with my father.
He recently reached out to them because he wants to see me and talk. I went through my old journals and made him a PowerPoint with images of the entries where I had talked about being frustrated and feeling abandoned and unwanted, some with literal quotes of things my dad had said to me during arguments.
Even the really dark stuff from when I was seriously depressed. Then I ended it with a photo of one of my mom’s collages where she had written ‘Remember that your dad and I are always here for you’ and I wrote ‘You failed. Go away.’ underneath.
I felt like his being able to see it from my literal perspective would communicate why I don’t want him back better than I could.
Evidently, it worked, but a little too well because I’ve been bombarded by family telling me that it’s understandable that I don’t want to see him, but what I sent gutted him and he’s completely fallen apart after reading through it and it was unnecessarily cruel.
Maybe it was, I know my bar for that is kind of weird sometimes, so AITJ?
Edit – I loved my brother. I don’t resent him. He was a good kid and I wish he was still with us. None of this is his fault, to me, it is completely my father’s and to a lesser extent stepmother’s.
The parents prevented me from spending time with him as he got sicker so I wouldn’t have been allowed to be there for him even if I had been able to (which I wasn’t towards the end because I was also struggling to stay alive).
I have empathy. I understand what my father lost, I was there. I also lost those same people plus effectively my father. Even so, to me, there is no excuse for completely shutting your own kid completely out of your life while also preventing them from getting any kind of help.
I understand depression and freezing up, I’ve been there, and I still even not being an adult managed to consider the impact of my behavior on other people. If he was that bad off, he should have given me up to be raised by someone else.
My mom’s parents asked and he wouldn’t agree to let me stay with them full-time. I could have had a dad that was able to occasionally tell me he loved me even if it was just a text message. Alternatively, I could have lived with my grandparents and had people around me who cared about me every day even if that wasn’t my father.
I got neither and every request for help of any kind was met with ‘s*****t up’. I can empathize with having to function while breaking down inside, but I can’t empathize with what he did.
I gather from relatives (who have backed off after some hard boundary setting) that my father and step-mother split not long ago and are in divorce proceedings, which is why he reached out now and why the rest of the family was upset with how I responded at the time – he wasn’t in a good place already.
I’ve told them that if they care about him to encourage him to keep away from me, refuse to pass on any messages, and try to get him into inpatient care or something if they’re that worried he’s going to do something rash. I don’t want anything to do with him and I’ve told them that I don’t want to hear about anything that happens after this point, but the rest of his family love him so for their sake I hope he pulls himself together.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest. You told your dad how you felt and it made him have to confront his failures as a parent. It is not your fault he neglected you. He is upset because he knows what you put in the PowerPoint is the reality of how he treated you when you were just a child.
Now that the truth is out and you have reestablished no contact, I hope you are able to let go of some of the anger you have at him and know that you did nothing to cause how he treated you. I’m in no contact with my dad and have been able to find a lot of peace in the life I have built without him.
I hope for the same for you.” Ch-Ch-Ch-CherryBomb0
Another User Comments:
“That was painfully harsh to read, but I still think you are NTJ. Your father did fail you repeatedly, even before your brother got sick. He should never have married a woman who tried to push out the memory of your mom.
And he should never have tolerated you being ‘forgotten about’ as soon as your half-brother was born. Your brother’s illness and passing were a tragedy and your dad and stepmom could perhaps be forgiven for a ‘doing their best but falling short’ type of parenting.
But they clearly didn’t even reach that level.
People will convince themselves of all kinds of delusions about why a close relationship went bad. You destroyed any such delusions your father had and spoke your truth. If he wants to have any hope of repairing his relationship with you, that can’t happen until he honestly faces what he did to you.
(I am not saying that to push you into repairing your relationship with him – that’s your call to make. Just that IF it were to happen, that would be an important element.) He could start by calling off the family members who are hassling you.” crockofpot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. How dare your ‘family’ expect you to sugarcoat your feelings for your awful awful father? How. Dare. They.
REAL family would apologize to you for letting you suffer in silence and not being there to help you, a child yourself, with the things you needed to grow up emotionally healthy.
REAL family would ask how they can help you now. Real family wouldn’t minimize the problems because they are inconvenient for their narrative. These people want to play happy family and pretend everything is not as bad as it is. This situation is exactly karma for your dad’s absolute failure as a father.
He brought this on himself.
I am soooo angry for you. They don’t get to decide what is necessary and unnecessary for you. Don’t you dare let them talk you out of what you feel because they don’t like how it makes them feel or look?
Your PowerPoint didn’t ‘work too well’, it worked. Period. I’m proud of you for finally getting to say things in a way that got your point across. Now go be awesome on your own. You don’t owe them a lift-up after they let you down.
And please don’t listen when they tell you to ‘be the bigger person’. It just means eating their awful treatment.
I think you need to face the reality that you have better-coping mechanisms and an understanding of what it means to be a functional adult than your father and family.
They may be older, but they are not wiser.
You are an adult and you get to decide what that means. You get to decide what works for you. I’m so sorry this was your childhood reality. I hope you continue to do your art therapy, and make up for your neglect with a great life.
NTJ. At all.” FreeRustProofing
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Caregiver?
“I’ve been married to my husband for seven years. He had a child with his ex. She lived a life of doing illegal stuff and drinking so immediately after we married, my husband informed me I would now be a full-time mom and I had to quit my job.
My husband worked in the oilfield at the time and traveled all but one week of the month so he needed a mom for his child, and I had a good relationship with him, I like kids, but I cried when I resigned from my job since it was the first real opportunity I’d had to make friends, money, and achieve goals since moving to a new city to be with him.
Nevertheless, I was able to teach him to read and helped him advance to 3-grade levels within one year. He was in special education and struggling when I met him, but he’s now an honor student and functions mostly as a normal teenager.
My husband was laid off from the oilfield job in early 2020 and regressed to his former life of using illegal substances and drinking, the way he lived before I came along.
I got a glimpse of what he was like, after the death of my father. He became very vicious, and cruel, and I no longer trust him. My adult child will no longer allow my grandkids around him and rightfully so.
He has always shifted all adult responsibilities to me, with the excuse he provides an income.
I was happily providing my own income and living independently before I met him and it was his choice to change this. I’ve been unhappy as I have always worked and been successful.
So just as I am preparing to re-enter the workforce, his mother began having seizures.
She has lung cancer, but told us it was a small benign tumor, then said it’s in remission. She tells a lot of stories. She actually has stage 4b cancer that has spread to the brain. She was moved from the hospital to a skilled nursing facility, but my husband expects me to bring her home and care for her.
She does too. She has diabetes and a multitude of health problems I am not equipped to deal with. Plus, my health began to decline quickly after marriage. I have severe arthritis and torn cartilage in both knees and was referred for replacement.
I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer also.
My Healthcare is on hold due to his constant job hopping and waiting to be eligible for insurance, along with his demands I stay home, cook 3 meals a day, and caretake and serve. I have been contemplating going back into the workforce despite my health so I can depend on myself again and hopefully regain my life.
I can’t do this if I’m taking care of his mother. AITJ for wanting to end my role as servant and focus on my own health?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
These issues seem to be his to fix, not yours. What you’ve done is admirable but as he is now unemployed I see no reason why he can’t pick up the slack.
You’ve made sacrifices and now it’s his turn. If doing illegal stuff and drinking are in the way of that… sounds like his problem.
Honestly, I’d give some thought to leaving him. You’re married to a man choosing illegal substances and booze over his family.
What a catch.” mtb1005
Another User Comments:
“He is literally working you to death at home. Don’t put off healthcare. Get a job with your own insurance, and make yourself a priority. He has already partially alienated you from your grandkids, hurt your career, and wants you to put everyone else before yourself while he does illegal stuff.
There is nothing to save here anymore, and even if there was, there is no way to change another person without them doing the work. He doesn’t want to, he will never change. Save yourself. NTJ” ppl_n_r_neighborhood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Seems like he married her just to have a mother to his child and ditch all responsibilities with the pretext that he makes the income and basically making OP quit her job so that he comfortably financially mistreats her. OP is just a slave in his house who cooks, cleans, and treats him and his mother like royalty while making her life miserable with constant mistreatment.
Do you think it was worth it?
Basically giving up your career, independence, and life for an abusive man with substance problems who pushed a child on you just to have free caregiving and education while he ditched everything for most of the month at his job.
It will just get worse for you if his mother comes into your household. Get a job and move fast with your life, regain your independence and forget about your awful past and focus on a better future.” Lex-OH
17. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Sister's Who's About To Get Evicted?
“My sister got married too young and never got to experience what it’s like to have control over her own money or be independent.
After she got divorced, she was like an arrow on the loose. She dated around like crazy and I know she’s been sending this guy online money from her settlement because his daughter is sick.
She quickly burned through her savings and since she couldn’t tolerate working on a job for more than two weeks due to her depression/anxiety (diagnosed by a psychiatrist), things just kept getting worse for her financially.
Now, I tried to help at the beginning but I don’t think she really understands the concept of money. It feels like she thinks I have some ATM I can just draw from that exists somewhere and give to her.
It was like a bottomless pit where she’d spend money recklessly on things like expensive takeouts at fancy places instead of going for the cheaper options or again, doing charity when she could barely survive herself.
She would recklessly spend all she has in a couple of days and endure hunger for several days afterward, eating only bread and milk. This in turn led to her developing stomach issues that cost a fortune to fix.
Long story short, I got tired of her irresponsible behavior around money and decided to stop sending her anything even though I knew she was facing eviction.
My other siblings blamed me for backing out and said I could comfortably provide for her but I just wanted to be a jerk and control her spending. Apparently, she’s reached out to them after I refused and they were livid about my attitude.
Even if my job pays well, it doesn’t mean I don’t work hard to earn that money.
And to sacrifice and take something out of your pocket and give it to someone in hopes they’d do something good with it to their lives only to see them burning through it like that has left me discouraged and disappointed.
I’m not sure though.
Am I being a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your money. I think you wouldn’t mind giving her some of it if she was responsible for spending it since you work hard for it. But she doesn’t spend it wisely in your eyes and you don’t want to see it go to waste frivolously.
An alternative is to give her GC to the grocery store or help her pay bills directly for her, i.e. no money. And then get her professional mental help so she can hold a job down. Then hopefully she will not need your money anymore.” 3xlduck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, sending her money doesn’t actually help her… it’s like that extremely cliché saying: give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime… she needs to learn how to fish (metaphorically) She needs professional help to learn how to manage money… otherwise, no amount of money gifted to her will ever be enough to get her out of this situation!
Get her an appointment with a finance specialist if you want to get her some proper help!” cuomi1996
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your sister and she is an adult. You helped before, but there’s a limit. The correct way to help her it’s teaching her responsibility, and that she has to work for herself, not everything CAME only to ask.
If the rest of the family are so much sorry about her and mad with you, make math with all the money you give to her since the divorce, send that number to her and the family, and tell them that only after they help her with the same quantity of money you are gonna think about help her again, and only if she learn how to spend her money.” RichPerformance2369
16. AITJ For Telling My Mom That She And Her Step-Grandchildren Are Not Part Of My Family?
“My mother had me through artificial insemination. My doner (biologically, my father) was someone she knew who was willing to let her have a child to raise herself. When I was 12 mom met her husband. Her husband had a 17-year-old daughter at the time. Her husband and his daughter were jerks and mom threw me in at the deep end and she thought I’d see this dude as my dad because I never had one before.
Even at 12, I knew a guy who commented on how I didn’t smile like a girl should and who commented on my weird interests for a girl was never going to be worthy of being called my parent, let alone my dad. His daughter taunted me for having no dad and for not being cute enough when my donor didn’t fall in love with me and decided to be my dad.
I asked her if she understood what a donor was. She told me someone who makes freaks.
When I was 16 her husband’s daughter moved back in with her partner and their kids. I was then forced to babysit after school and sometimes on the weekends because they either couldn’t be bothered or nobody wanted to pay.
I did the bare minimum of babysitting and I did not grow attached to those children in the twoish years I babysat them. I wanted nothing to do with babysitting them but figured I could at least game when home with them rather than being grounded.
I moved out and cut my mom off because she chose a husband who was a jerk to me and kept me around him and his daughter who was also a jerk to me.
I have nothing to do with any of them.
A few months ago my my donor died and I learned he left all his assets to me.
It was a lot of money and a house that I sold, which got me a lot of money. My mom learned about this via mutual friends and she reached out and told me how much they have struggled financially since their house burned down two years ago (I had heard about that at the time) and how her step-grandkids are looking at a really bad Christmas and how great it would be if I, as their aunt, her daughter and part of the family bought gifts for the kids.
I told her she and her step grandkids are not my family and were not owed any money from me and that I would like it if she did not make me change to another number (she called me on a business number I have).
She asked me how I could be so cold and even if I resent her, how could I say that about the niece and nephew, I spent every day with for two years and who looked up to and adored me?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It seemed your mother only reach out to you AFTER knowing that you inherited some money. That alone makes her the jerk and not you.
She failed you as a parent. She neglected you as a child. You were right cutting her off your life and all the horrible people she surrounded herself with.
I feel bad for the kids as they are kids but they are pretty much strangers to you at this point.” silly_vengeful_sloth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s always so disappointing when you’ve been mistreated for so long that you have to ask if you’re the jerk for staying in no/low contact with abusive relatives.
You are not the jerk by a long shot. Biology does not create financial obligation and you absolutely have no obligation to gift money to ‘step’ relatives, especially those who wronged you when you were a child.
You are 100% not the jerk and you don’t need to feel any guilt.” PeacefulSnowDay
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – all of a sudden, out of the blue, your mom contacts you after she conveniently hears about how you came into a lot of money courtesy of your donor. I’m guessing she hasn’t tried to contact you prior to this.
‘how her step-grandkids are looking at a really bad Christmas and how great it would be if I, as their aunt, her daughter, and part of the family bought gifts for the kids’
Jeeeeebus. Lay it on thicker, mom. So she was willing to submit you to years of mistreatment from your stepsister and stepdad, along with her… but as soon as you come into funds, you are “part of the family”.
Convenient.
‘She asked me how I could be so cold’
I’d ask her how she could have stayed with a man and his daughter who treated you like garbage over the years.
‘how could I say that about the niece and nephew, I spent every day with for two years’
Well, considering you were forced to babysit for them by your family, I think you’ve given them enough over the years. Maybe total up the funds they saved by having you watch them for your sister and her partner.
Good for you for standing your ground, OP.
Use the money on you, not on people who wanted nothing to do with you until you all of sudden came into money.” dookle14
15. AITJFor Giving My Mother's Eulogy In A Drag?
“I’m 20 (gender is complicated) and the youngest of three (not including my half-siblings). I’m the only one who still lives at home, so I was my mom’s primary caretaker when she was sick.
If you knew my mom, she was literally the most interesting person you will ever know, with no exceptions. And she had this very distinct look since the 80s that in her words ‘always made people mistake (her) for a woman who works for others’ pleasure.’ She will never not be my inspiration and no matter who I meet she will always be my best friend.
For one of her birthdays, I dressed up as her in drag and did an impression of her, which she absolutely loved and asked me to do for every birthday, which she didn’t get enough of.
So when I did her eulogy in drag (with that look), I was doing it because I thought it was what she would have wanted. I told my sister beforehand, who planned it, and she gave me the okay because my mom always she didn’t want everybody to be depressed. In all honesty, I didn’t totally follow what she wanted because I ended up crying through it.
I’ve felt like a jerk because of the reactions I got. My siblings, my significant other, and my mom’s friends loved it, but my aunt told me I humiliated myself and ruined her and her family’s grieving, particularly my grandparents who wouldn’t acknowledge me.
She said she understood my logic partially but that I should have stopped when she made her sons leave. To be honest, I wasn’t paying attention to her family at all, I was kind of a wreck. My father also walked out but I don’t really care what he thinks and my mom wouldn’t either.
I really believe I did what my mom would have wanted. But I also know funerals are for the living to grieve, and although my mom had a complicated relationship with her family, she wouldn’t have wanted them to be offended while they were grieving her.
I should have known I’d get that reaction but I was so wrapped up in doing what my mom would have wanted. I’ve just been feeling guilty. My SO says screw them all basically but it’s not that simple to me. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It’s very difficult when someone dies. You saw it as honoring your mother but her sister probably felt like you were making fun of her. Funerals are for the living and sometimes you just can’t reconcile everyone’s needs during the ceremony.
Since half the family understood and approved, it’s obvious this wasn’t just you being outrageous because you felt like it, but I can definitely see why it would upset others so much. There just wasn’t a perfect solution in this case, unless there was a main ‘standard’ funeral for the overall family than a ‘mom’ funeral just for those who understood/appreciated her style.” MythologicalRiddle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You honored your mum. Yes, funerals are for the living, but that is only part of it.
Funerals are for the living to honor the person who died. It sounds like you did something that was acceptable to those who knew your mum the best, so it was an effective way of honoring her.
The ones that were offended seem like the ones who were not as attuned to her sense of humor and personality.
Sorry for your loss OP.” whyamisoawesome9
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. you are absolutely NTJ for wanting to celebrate your mom and the way you know her, but they are also NTJ for being uncomfortable and finding it unorthodox.
Some people see funerals as part of their grieving process and they want formality, they don’t want to have to deal with unorthodox things or happiness at a funeral. Maybe that is for a celebration of life later on. Everyone grieves in their own way and your grief manifestation was just incompatible with that of some of your family members, but no jerks.” Senti2com1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Funerals are indeed for the living, and that matters, but they’re also about the deceased. You presented things in a way you knew, and your sister (who was in charge) agreed that your mother would have loved it.
Funerals that don’t acknowledge who somebody actually was, which make up some weird sanitized false image of someone who never actually existed because it’s more comfortable for uptight jerks are the worst funerals.
Funerals where someone’s preferences magically change or are erased (along with the people whose existence is an uncomfortable reminder of such). Funerals where a staunch atheist suddenly was a super good Christian who really loved Jesus more than anything. Funerals where a non- or only nominally religious person supposedly suddenly accepted God just before death (ha ha even during times when it may have been physically impossible for them to communicate anything to those around them) and that’s all the funeral is actually about.
And little and less about who they actually were.
Been to far too many of those. Can’t stand it. It’s ghoulish and awful and an insult to the deceased.
Those funerals are selfish. What you guys did was not. You celebrated her.
Your mom was vivacious, fun-loving and flamboyant and comfortable with and accepting of other people’s identities, and confident and secure in her own.
That’s the truth, and it’s what you presented. You honored her as she was, you brought her presence to the proceedings. Through just a few lines of text, you’ve managed to share a little of her with us, too.
The people, the living, who loved her for who she actually was – you, your siblings, your SO, her friends; all of these people loved it and thought it was appropriate.
Because they loved her and not some weird fantasy of who they wished she had been.
So yeah, your partner’s a good one. Listen to him. Screw ’em.” PinkNGreenFluoride
14. AITJ For Not Letting My Son Spend Time With My Sister?
“So, I (25F) have a beautiful son Jayden (name changed) who is 2 years old. I’m also married to my loving husband (34M) and expecting our second child. But the thing is my son Jayden is not biologically related to me or my husband.
We adopted him from my step-sister.
Melissa, my step-sister, had an affair with a bad guy at a time, he committed bad crimes and she knew it from the start yet decided to stay with him because as she claimed: ‘he was accused, he is innocent’.
It’s not true, he was jailed for eight years. But anyways I tried to keep my distance from them only to receive a call one day from Melissa after she gave birth to Jayden. To keep it short she asked me to adopt him because she didn’t want to ruin her life with a child and her partner didn’t want kids either and she said that if I don’t adopt him now then he will go down the foster care.
She even added how ‘I don’t want him and I don’t want him to ruin my life or my relationship’.
I adopted Jayden because I fell in love with that little boy the moment I saw him and my husband was not against it since he knew how important family is to me.
Till now my husband treats my little Jayden as his son and Jayden adores him.
But a few days ago I got a call from Melissa, who mind you didn’t contact us for 2 years since she gave her rights up and made it clear to me when I asked her back in a day if she wants to keep in touch with Jayden she said: ‘keep that child away from me, don’t u dare to tell him that I’m his mother.’
She called me to ask if she and her now husband could have Jayden for Christmas because she wanted to spend time with him. And also confessed to me that she was told that she can’t have no more kids, she was diagnosed with infertility as far as I understand.
And now she wants Jayden because she feels that she deserves it and that Jayden deserves to have a real mom in his life
Now the issue comes with the fact that, A) she lives with her husband whom I don’t trust especially after knowing that he has a history of being abusive and B) Melissa has a record of using illegal substances.
I don’t trust those people, like at all.
I said to her that ‘I let Jayden spend time with u only after he learns how to talk properly’ and she was angry by that saying that she is a victim and that she is his mom and that I took her child away from her.
She called me a jerk for keeping Jayden away from her.
Not to mention that she said during the same call that she wants Jayden to meet his real dad because ‘your husband is never going to be his real father. The only father he has is Mike, and she said that she planning to change his family name and first name because ‘you took that right away from me.’
My parents agree with her saying that she needs her child back and that she already suffered enough and that adopted kids deserve to live with their ‘real parents.’
So AITJ for refusing to let my child have alone time with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – OP please get legal advice on how to legally record and note everything she’s doing right now and do not let that child near her. I can quickly see this turning into a custody battle.
Please! If everything you’ve said about how she’s referred to him is true then she does not want a real relationship with that child, they want a shiny thing to ‘look at’.
Yes, as the ‘real’ parents one day they might meet him but that needs to be a decision for when he’s older and more aware and it can be his personal decision (assuming he’ll be told one day by you he’s adopted).
But regardless of her deciding she wants him to know only now that they know they can’t have kids is not okay and not the way you care for a child. Just all the wrong reasons there for this and it does not sound like a healthy or safe environment for him which is what your priority needs to be.” lol_1325
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and if possible get a restraining order.
Jayden is your child now. That’s also where he has a stable and loving family. It’s legally yours to love and raise.
If the sister is infertile, she has the option to adopt as well, and she will love the kid just as much as a bio kid.
Let social services decide whether this couple is fit for adoption. That will be interesting to watch.
A child is not something that you pass around in a circle. The boy is 2 and he had a mother and father, you and your husband. Be firm with your parents that no way you are letting your boy go anywhere, and if they can’t accept that, you’re cutting ties.” cityflaneur2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She burned her bridges with Jayden when she said she didn’t want to ruin her life with a child, and that she didn’t want Jayden to learn under any circumstances he was related to her. She can’t go backsies on this because she gave up her one chance.
Jayden has a real mother, you because you are the one raising him and being in his life the way he needs a mother to be. Melissa forfeited the right to be his mother and has no emotional or legal connection to him.
What’s most important here is for Jayden, and he needs stability if he can get it.
He gets that by staying with you and your husband. There are also your very understandable concerns with Melissa’s choice of partner. She thinks her feelings are more important than the safety of a toddler who can’t defend himself. If the adoption was official, no way she’s getting any sort of custody with her history, or with Mike’s history.
Don’t let her have physical access either, kidnapping is something she seems likely to be capable of.” ScorchieSong
13. AITJ For Refusing To Take Care Of My Older Brother?
“I (23 years old, m, student) have a close relationship with my brother (29 years old). He has almost always been there for me since I turned 18 years old. We both had a rough childhood, in which he had to deal with his autism and people having an extremely bad influence on him.
Because I had to grow up to be like an adult very young.
Which meant, counting/saving my money since I was 10 years old in order to go to college. Mentally taking care of my brother to try and steer him toward an honest life.
Learning how to cook, how appliances work, earning money one way or another(honest money), tax return, etc etc. So much more I learned how to do with no one around to help me before I even turned 18 years old. Even registered for a psychologist the moment I turned 18 years old.
Whenever I was sick no one bat an eye at me, but if my brother or older sister got sick, everyone started to flock around them like birds getting fed. So I always felt less than human.
Now onto the story: Recently my brother became sick physically and mentally too.
Which my family told me I had to take care of him again. But honestly, I don’t want to do that anymore, whenever he is sick I am called up to take care of him. But I have my own worries to take care of too
I don’t wanna take care of him anymore, for now, I just want to be able to live my life, taking care of my own future and helping my family out later in life. When I have the money to do so, not being stuck helping my brother out every single time he gets sick.
Instead of letting me focus on my own future, I keep getting called left and right to help my brother, to help my mother. To let my father vent about his ‘horrible’ life whilst no one is gonna do the same except for ‘maybe’ my brother and sister.
So AITJ for not wanting to take care of my brother?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are under no obligation to support your adult brother. Give the level of help you are comfortable with. Particularly financially, this expectation is inappropriate.
Your parents were supposed to have a supportive role for your brother and didn’t.
They are using you in an abusive manner because they’ve never been functional adults. While your brother is another victim of this, they don’t make pulling him up your job. You are going to have enough work to save yourself. He needs to save himself.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Take care of yourself.
It sounds like emotionally you are exhausted. I hope you’re still talking to a therapist. Draw the boundary – your family is used to bullying you until you agree. It is time to change your answer and THEY will have to change how they behave too.
They may insult you and say you’re a bad brother/son. Just know it’s because they aren’t getting what they want – your full-time caring when they don’t want to.
Have you thought about blocking them on your phone, email, and social media? It doesn’t seem worth your emotional energy to deal with them.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are in your best position to take care of other people when you have first taken care of yourself.
I would tell them – I have sacrificed too much for too long on the altar of taking care of others.
It’s time for me to invest in myself so that I can be in a better position in the future. I am not a parent. I do not have the resources to simply give them away without major sacrifice. I have done that already. I will not be a doormat that is simply there to take the load off of everyone else.
No one has looked after me for years. I have learned that if I do not look after myself, nobody else will either. So, this is not a burden that I’ll be accepting. Not to mention – it was NEVER my responsibility. Especially not as a minor child, although I bore that burden for many years.
Even if this was a shared family responsibility. I’ve taken my turn and then some. Y’all are up.” chuckinhoutex
12. AITJ For Using The Things From My In-Laws However I Want To?
“My wife and I have a three-year-old daughter and two-year-old son. I’ll call them Dee and Sam for brevity.
My in-laws often send us stuff for the kids, and it is usually addressed to Sam. I ignore this, as the kids are so close in age (11 months) and are at similar developmental stages. I never put much thought into why Sam’s name is usually on the packages.
Whenever they send a toy, it just goes in the playroom, and the kids don’t have individual toys unless you count the stuffed animals they sleep with.
My wife initially wanted to divide the toys into different chests for each kid. I said that didn’t make sense, and it makes cleaning and organizing the room take longer.
When I pick up the playroom, I organize the toys by type, and that makes them fit into less space and makes it impossible to forget what goes where, so things are easier to find. My wife admitted I was right, so that’s how we’ve been doing things for a while.
Today my in-laws were visiting and saw Dee playing with a toy. My mother-in-law asked why Dee had Sam’s toy. I said we don’t split the toys up like that. None of the toys are Sam’s or Dee’s. All the toys belong to Sam and Dee.
My mother-in-law was upset because she picked that toy out specifically for Sam. I just sort of shrugged. It’s a plastic frog; there’s nothing special about it. Father-in-law asked if I did that with everything they sent, and I said most things, but the kids do have the special stuffed animals they sleep with.
Both were upset and started arguing with my wife in their language way too fast for me to keep up with, but it basically amounted to me being an ungrateful and rude jerk. Then they left. My wife said going forward we should keep toys bought for Sam separate because it upsets her parents that the toys are communal.
I said I wasn’t okay with that. If we do that, we’d have to buy more stuff for Dee and less for Sam for them to have an equal number of toys. That would make Sam think we like him less than Dee and Dee think her grandparents like her less than Sam.
I said if her parents aren’t okay with that, they shouldn’t send stuff.
Now things are really tense. With her and her parents both mad at me, I’m questioning if I’m being a stubborn jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Even if it was Sam’s toy according to your in-laws they questioned Dee playing with it.
So not only don’t they want the toys shared they want Sam to have exclusive access to them… Ridiculous.
They are favoring your son over your daughter and it will only get worse.
Your kids are at an age where they are playing with similar items, when they get older they may want to claim certain items and you can have a shelf or bin for that.
Your wife should point out the obvious favoritism and that the kids as they will get older will notice, but that you notice now. Birthdays are fine to give only one child a gift, but for any random gifts, each one needs to receive one.
Now if Sam gets a new item and Dee something used, you know that you have a big issue.” travelkmac
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I see so much right in what you’re doing, and so much wrong with what your wife and in-laws are doing.
First, you’re attempting to show your kids that their grandparents care about THEM, and not that they care about Sam only. For that in itself, your wife should be grateful. You’re basically ensuring both of your kids understand their grandparents love both of them and not just Sam.
I imagine Dee would have some hard feelings growing up (towards her grandparents and her brother) if she knew her grandparents only sent toys to her brother.
Secondly, by not splitting up their toys, you’re teaching them to share with each other and likely communicate when it comes to which toys each one wants to play with.
If your wife and in-laws want to split the toys, I would tell them to bring the toys in person rather than mailing them, and at that time explain to Dee why her brother is getting toys and she isn’t. I bet they’d feel like crap if they had to do that.” anxiouslloyd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, first off it sounds like you should have a fight with your wife about her parents even coming into the house anymore given that they have made it clear that they are highly favoring one of your children and expect you all to go along with it.
And you should absolutely be having a fight with your wife because given that she’s having side conversations with them, and was trying to create separate toy chests, she’s telling you that she knew what her parents were doing and was okay with it.
Your in-laws have been trying to screw over one of your kids and your wife is okay with that.
She’s being a jerk to the kids and you need to fight for your kids on this and tell your partner she needs to pull her head out of her butt.” JCBashBash
11. AITJ For Throwing Things Away From The Fridge?
“Last night, I was cooking dinner while Instacart groceries were about to be delivered. I asked my husband to clean out the fridge so we had room for new groceries.
There were a few items marked expired that he missed (bagels that expired 3 weeks ago according to the use-by-date, blueberries that were shriveled up, leftover veggies in Tupperware that were visibly past their prime, old unappetizing takeout leftovers, etc) so I threw them away. I didn’t criticize him, I didn’t say anything, I wasn’t like ‘How did you miss this?’ I just threw them away and got on with life.
He came up to me and with an agitated tone of voice and his pupils huge, he asked why I was doing that. I was immediately kind of feeling defensive and on edge because of his tone and big pupils, and I said because they’re expired or inedible.
He said they were fine, he did a good job, and I wasted his time asking him to help if I was just going to go behind him and finish the job. I said I just disagree that they are fine, so I threw them away.
It’s a difference of opinion of what’s worth keeping and what’s not. No big deal in my eyes.
He said I should trust him to do the whole job if I’m going to do the job and wanted me to apologize to him. I said I didn’t want to apologize if I didn’t understand what I was even apologizing for so can he please explain what I did wrong?
He explained again and I said I didn’t agree with his thoughts (that I wasted his time and I should have just done it myself) so I still don’t get what I did wrong.
That got him really mad. He insisted the items he missed were ‘fine.’ He even pulled the 3-week expired bagels out of the trash and said ‘This bagel is fine.
I’ll eat it tomorrow.’ Like gosh, dude? You haven’t eaten it in the month we’ve had it and now you’re going to eat it out of spite?
The discussion spiraled out of control and it was basically him wanting me to apologize for doing something wrong when I feel like I didn’t DO anything wrong.
I can still care about his feelings and perspective even when I disagree with him, which I stated.
I’m blown away. He absolutely insists he was the victim of the situation and it was all my fault. He said I was being controlling for throwing away things I KNEW beforehand were bad.
It turned into a very big argument where I basically felt like I was reasoning with a kid throwing a tantrum.
I eventually lost it as well and said ‘You missed expired and inedible food. You didn’t finish the job but you did help. I took care of it.
What’s your problem?’ Of course, he latched onto it when I lost my temper and not the twenty minutes before when I was calm.
AITJ?
Update: He and I have talked over the conflict repeatedly and I can’t make him see his part in it.
He doesn’t realize how his bad day contributed to his negative mood. He doesn’t see that my actions weren’t critical. He still thinks if he feels criticized, it’s because I’m being critical. He doesn’t see how his approach to asking me why I was doing it left me in a no-win situation.
He still insists everything would have been fine had I just said sorry or given him a satisfactory explanation instead of questioning why I should apologize and standing up for myself and that I did nothing wrong. He still doesn’t understand that I can care about his feelings without agreeing with his thoughts.
He doesn’t see how he could have done better. It’s bad.
I’ve been crying every time I look at him and unable to focus on much of anything since the argument. He is stepping up to be the main parent for our kid, but he has no idea how to offer me any comfort.
He says ‘I have no idea what to do right now’ when I cry and he walks away. He said ‘I’m sorry you’re feeling like this’ and that’s about all the comforting words I’ve gotten. I know this is his norm but it’s still such a disappointment.
He agreed to go back to therapy, but therapy is pretty useless without self-awareness and knowing you’re part of the problem. He’ll probably do what he’s always done: go for a few weeks or months and quit as soon as he feels like the threat of my ultimatum has subsided.
I think I’m grieving. No matter how hard I try or how much I heal, I can’t have a healthy partnership with an emotionally unhealthy person. It’s so hard to accept. If I healed, why can’t he? Why won’t he?
I’ve been in denial and bargaining for a long time. It’s time to make some changes after Christmas break.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband didn’t enjoy cleaning out the fridge. If you were to criticize the job he did, he could say ‘if you don’t like how I do it, do it yourself.’ But you didn’t criticize, so now he’s frustrated. Now how is he going to discourage you from ever asking him to do that task?
He was literally looking for a reason to blow up at you. You could have moved the butter from one shelf to the other and you’d have gotten the same reaction.
This man is unstable. I know as women we’re told to stand by our man and show the world you love him blah blah blah, but you’re under no obligation to waste your life under that kind of oppression.
Get a home that is happy, a place of peace where you can relax.” redheadjd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ of course, but this is one of those rare situations where you didn’t do anything wrong but yet he still has a reason to be annoyed. He feels like you throwing those extra things out was grading his work, and… it was.
Nobody likes to be told they didn’t do a job well, even though you told him as indirectly and politely as possible. You handled it well at first and got pushed into saying some things you wished you hadn’t. If it comes up again or you still feel unresolved just tell him you didn’t mean to make him feel criticized or attacked.” Pigdango
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I do think your husband could benefit from some one-on-one therapy, and that you both could benefit from couples therapy if this is a regular occurrence. He definitely was overreacting to the situation at hand. A normal response if someone noticed their partner doing this, would be to ask what they missed and maybe apologize for missing it or just thanking you for getting those last few items out of the fridge.
This kind of anger in a basic situation makes me think something else was causing him to be angry. Maybe something happened at work, or with one of his friends, or maybe he’s angry about something else entirely in the relationship and he was just looking for a reason to start an argument.
Either way, it’s no excuse to treat another human this way, let alone your partner.
I would try to see if you can both talk about this in a calm manner, maybe in a different neutral setting. I know how it feels to remain calm throughout an argument until you finally get frustrated and reply with anger only to have your partner latch onto that and change the argument to being about that negative reaction ignoring the things that led to it.
I’m not diagnosing anyone by any means, but that is a tactic a lot of narcissists use to ‘win’ arguments.” Chemical_Chard_3458
10. AITJ For Puking On My Mother-In-Law's Christmas Decorations?
“My wife and I went over to help her mom put up her Christmas decorations.
My MIL made us supper and then we got to work.
I do not know what it was but something made me ill. Maybe it was supper.
Maybe it was mold from the boxes of decorations. Maybe god hates me. I don’t know. But when I was in the garage my mouth started watering and I knew I was going to hurl.
Lucky for me in the box of decorations there were a bunch of those plastic one-gallon tubs of ice cream.
So I grabbed one and emptied my stomach into it.
Then I noticed my MIL, SIL, BIL, and my wife looking at me like they were watching me pee into a pool.
I did not know that the plastic tub I grabbed was integral to the decorative theme.
My FIL had collected these tubs and cut grooves and holes in them to hold Christmas lights.
My wife took me into the house and told me off for doing that.
It is literally just a plastic ice cream tub. I offered to go to the store, buy some ice cream, eat said ice cream, clean the tub, and then cut the grooves and holes in it for the Christmas light.
But I am apparently being a jerk and taking what I did lightly.
My FIL passed away this last year which is why we are helping with the decorating.
But it is just a plastic tub.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You sound like one of those people who would NEVER apologizes for something no matter the reason.
You are stuck on the ‘I threw up in a plastic container, nothing to apologize for’ and yet when presented with new information and you found out it was actually ‘I threw up in a cherished family Christmas decoration’ you should’ve apologized full stop because ruining a Christmas decoration requires apologies.
You don’t get to stick to ‘I threw up in a plastic container, nothing to apologize for’. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t think you were wrong from the start, you are wrong. And you need to apologize.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You tried to barf in the least important, the most easily fixed container you could. Unfortunately, you puked in something that had great sentimental value.
They should have taken the bucket out and hosed it off and given it a good scrub.
Plastic containers survive that sort of treatment with no problem and come clean and odor-free pretty easily.
But when it was explained to you why they were upset, instead of apologizing and trying to understand, you dismissed their upset as unimportant and foolish.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for vomiting in the container: if you are like most people, you have an extremely limited time to grab something and not much time to think about it. (I myself once raced to the bathroom but couldn’t quite make it to the toilet and wound up throwing up in the shower, even though they are only a couple steps apart.) And if you genuinely didn’t know there was anything special about this tub, it was an accident.
But wow, YTJ for your attitude since then.
You made a mistake. It was an easy one to make, and under the circumstances, you had little choice.
But you need to be apologizing (e.g., ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize that this was special. If I’d known, I would have tried to grab something else’), not making excuses for why it shouldn’t be important to your wife and her family.
It literally doesn’t matter whether you think an ice cream tub can be special. It is meaningful to the woman you promised to share your life with and to the people she loves. Even if she were a stranger, you would owe it to her to not be rude about a memento, even when you didn’t understand.
But your behavior is even more inexcusable given that it is your wife.” DinaFelice
9. WIBTJ If I Slowly Move My Plates From The Kitchen To My Bedroom?
“I (23m) moved into a house with a few friends. We share all the kitchen items. Upon moving in, I contributed a set of 4 bowls, 4 medium-sized plates, 4 large plates, a set of 16 glasses, and an expensive large pan. These are all in a designated cupboard/area.
For four months, I noticed that all of my (nicer-looking) plate-ware were used significantly more than the other (uglier) plate-ware that belonged to my housemates. This usually wouldn’t be an issue if they were cleaned after use. However, every time I went to use the plate ware and glasses that I purchased, they would all be dirty in the sink or dishwasher for days, or they would be in someone’s room for the entire week.
This leaves me with the option of eating out of Tupperware or washing their dirty dishes to eat my food.
I sent a message to our house group chat asking if we could either buy more plate ware or wash my plate ware set more frequently.
One housemate replied with the suggestion that I should buy another plate-ware item for myself to keep in my room for safekeeping. I replied questioning why I should buy another plate set when I purchased the first set.
WIBTJ for slowly removing my plates from the kitchen to my room if my housemates won’t agree to wash them more often?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. It’s your stuff, do what you want with it.
If you want to keep your roommates happy, start with keeping just one place setting in your room (plate, bowl, fork, spoon, knife, etc.). Wash it when you’re finished eating, and then back it goes to your room.
You’ll never have to worry about having clean dishes when you want them, and the rest of the set is available for use by your slovenly roomies.
Fair warning, over time your roommates will very likely wreck the stuff they have access to. They aren’t being careful and conscientious now so why would they change going forward?” PrairieGrrl5263
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Take your plates immediately, and leave paper plates to give them time to purchase their own dishes. It’s a small investment to not hear any complaints about how you took your dishes and they almost starved to death without dishes to eat on.” OkEast445
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. In my opinion, this is annoying and I understand your point of view. However, this might trigger a kitchenware war l**o. It’ll cause some strife and they might even try to horde your kitchenware. You really gotta go big or go home so a lock would be smart.
I suggest you bring up your issues again and warn them that you like your particular dishware and that you will move them out of the cupboard. Sounds like you either need more dishes or create a chore schedule. If someone doesn’t do it that day they’ll have to go grocery shopping or something.” twinfryz
8. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Husband's Widow Friend To Our Christmas Dinner?
“My husband’s friend passed away months ago. Leaving behind his widow wife. My husband considered him a brother and so he began offering help to his widow and showing up literally every weekend (that’s when he’s off work) to help her with everything.
It didn’t bother me… I mean not much but still. Now he told me that it’d be nice if we invite her to Christmas dinner with us since she has no family and other friends are busy. I refused but he insisted saying it’d mean so much to her, especially since this is her first Christmas without her husband and we should comfort her.
I refused and said that it was supposed to be a family celebration and my family will show up so there were enough amount of guests already but he said she was the one who needs this family atmosphere the most. I snapped and firmly told him I will not agree to let him invite her to Christmas dinner with us and he needed to drop it cause it made me uncomfortable.
He argued and then started sulking about it saying that I was being cruel for no reason and that he wasn’t asking for much. just an extra chair/plate for her. But I said it will be awkward for me and my family especially since we’re not so close.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
It seems like your husband is really doing anything he can to try to help her deal with her husband/his friend’s death. It’s undoubtedly going to be very difficult and sad for her to have to spend Xmas home alone if she doesn’t have any family, so what your husband is asking is very kind and caring.
It is true though that Xmas is a family holiday and since there are already people coming over, it’s understandable that you don’t want to have to host more and just to be with your family.
The issue to me is whether you really just don’t want her to come over for Xmas, or if you are bothered by all of the time that your husband has been spending helping her in general, and this is just the time you’ve chosen to express it/put your foot down?
If this is more of an issue with you being jealous of the time that he is spending with her, then maybe YTJ.
Personally, I would just have her over… thinking people being alone on Xmas is very sad to me personally, and it doesn’t seem like a huge deal if it is just one person.” Tdluxon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but the bigger problem isn’t Christmas dinner, it’s the amount of time your husband is spending with his friend’s widow. He doesn’t need to go over every weekend, he needs to take a step back. It’s been months since his friend’s death, so I’m going to sound callous but it’s time she started to be a bit more self-reliant.
She doesn’t need your husband every weekend he is off, that is time he should be spending with you. If she needs help she can ask her friends for help or employ tradespeople to do the work. Every time he goes over you need to start going with him or offering to go in his stead, as it sounds as though the widow is starting to share your husband.
Maybe offer that she can come over for lunch on Boxing Day.” WolverineNo8799
Another User Comments:
“You are either YTJ or NTJ depending on how one thing goes, and that’s all up to your husband.
First and foremost, he lost his best friend, whom he’s probably grieving, and is trying to help comfort his wife, whom he’s probably also friends with.
Talk with your husband. Explain the insecurities you have and ask why this is so important. Heck, go with him and meet this woman. It takes a very long time to move on from the death of a close loved one; this may be what your husband needs.
This would make you a jerk since the wife may need a good friend and a fun day, all the while you’re ignoring your husband’s grief.
However, and this is where talking with your husband comes in, if he has been seeing this woman for months every weekend and you suspect that something more is going on then absolutely follow up and figure out what’s going on.
You would certainly be NTJ if this was the case and fully in your right to bar her from joining the Christmas dinner.
Grief is complicated. Talk with your husband and figure out why he wants her, why the other friends aren’t inviting her, and if there are any issues.” Firecrakcer001
7. AITJ For Not Helping My Husband Organize His Friend's Proposal?
“My (29F) husband (26) and I have been married for over a year. We got married during the global crisis and had to postpone our wedding celebration.
My husband is not very romantic and did not plan anything special for our proposal. We were camping when he suggested getting married in the city hall the following autumn. Since this was low-key and nothing special, he promised to make a sweet surprise (proposal-like) for me sometime in the future.
Anyway, to this day, he never did organize that surprise. The issue arose two days ago when his friend called and explained that he intends to propose to his partner in the city we reside. He invited us to go out with them and make some cute videos and photos of the proposal. Initially, I was happy to help until my husband started planning a big over-the-top proposal for his friend.
I started feeling disappointed that he did not put this much effort into proposing to me and I immediately explained to him how I felt. He claims there was just not a right moment and says I am the jerk for not helping him organize this big thing.
So I’m asking you, AITJ for not helping organize a perfect proposal for his friend?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your husband isn’t very romantic, yet he can plan and execute an elaborate proposal for someone else. Something you didn’t get but was promised. Seems like your husband just isn’t putting effort into your relationship and does the bare minimum.
You’ve set the bar on the ground in terms of how he can treat you when you got married before he proposed properly, and it will just get worse from here.
I suggest couples therapy to get to the root of the problem and adjust his thinking to be a better partner to you, but if that doesn’t work, then find someone else.
You don’t deserve to live life begging your partner for the bare minimum while seeing that he’s capable of treating others better than he treats you.” Turbulent-Risk-249
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If this guy is usually wonderful, supportive, understanding, etc, it may be worth asking yourself why he can do this, but couldn’t do the nice proposal for you.
My guess, not knowing him at all, is that he’s self-conscious or for some reason shy about this particular type of activity; he can plan it when it’s for his friend, because his friend is the one who actually has to a) decide what’s a good idea and what isn’t, and b) actually put himself out there.
It’s one thing to come up with a million ideas for his friend (knowing that only the best ideas will be put into practice), but entirely another to make the final decisions and actually put himself out there.
He shouldn’t be angry with you for expressing your feelings.
Maybe he’s ashamed and doesn’t want to admit to himself that he should have — and could have — done better; maybe he was hoping to use this proposal to get ideas about what you like so he doesn’t need to figure that out himself; or maybe he’s just a jerk who cares more about his friend than about you.
You know him best, so maybe you can figure out which it is. But tread carefully if you find yourself concluding that he cares about his friend/friend’s SO more than he cares about you; if you think that’s the case, then that’s important information and you should do something about it before separation/divorce gets any more complicated than it already will be.
But if that just doesn’t feel right with your understanding of who he is, then it’s worth figuring out what’s really going on here, even if only for your peace of mind.” littlefiddle05
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Couples therapy is probably the minimum you need here.
He should not be calling you a jerk for expressing perfectly valid feelings. He’s likely being this defensive and name-calling because he knows full well he has failed you, but he’s not handling that like a grown man who owns his failings and tries to fix them.
This isn’t unrecoverable if he’s willing to do the work in therapy, reflect, see things from your point of view, and respect both of your emotions like an adult who loves you.
If he can’t do that, you have a bigger problem than a crappy proposal he promised to make up for later and didn’t.
You have somebody who is denying you the right to have feelings about how you’re treated. This is more serious than you likely think right now. Seek couples therapy before it gets worse. If he won’t go, seek your own therapy solo so there’s somebody validating your right to your own feelings and helping you decide what to do about his failure to do that.” User
6. AITJ For Not Paying A Hockey Mom?
“I finally secured a permanent and well-paying job and moved to a high-rise apartment with decent amenities in the downtown core of a bigger city.
One of the best things about my new place is the indoor heated parking garage, which is MUCH needed. Snow dumps here are brutal and I need my car to get to work. I pay 250$ a month for parking, but I consider it well worth every penny.
My spot is between two concrete support pillars and my new ‘parking’ neighbor has started to store her kid’s hockey equipment (goalie, I think?) around her parking space, but also starting our line behind the concrete pillar we share. The equipment keeps sprawling into my spot, which has become a huge nuisance.
We have $15/month lockers available to us for rent and I have been moving things out of the way to park my car, or leave my spot, daily. I have previously suggested to her that she get a locker because it is so inconvenient.
Today, my neighbor ran over her child’s helmet because it seemingly rolled under her SUV.
She blames me for touching her kid’s stuff and has asked me to pay for a new helmet. I’m so annoyed. I did move things out of the way, as usual, but don’t recall the helmet rolling under the car. Do I need to settle with her and AITJ?
Edited for update: I’ve taken photos of the clutter and have sent them to my building manager. Here’s hoping I get a new spot and/or the clutter is promptly taken care of.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Of course not. She has the option to store all excess belongings in a storage cage safely and she chose not to.
Then she runs over something. That’s purely on her. I would lodge a complaint with the admin of the building she is inconveniencing you with her belongings in your car park. Now is harassing you for payment over damaged items, she ran over. Your building’s admin will sort out the issue, it’s part of why their fees are structured.” gemma156
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Start taking pics of the stuff constantly in your way. Or they usually have cameras in the parking garages. Let management know that this is a problem. Even if you moved it and it rolled under, not your problem. You shouldn’t have to be moving it.
You are nicer than me. I would have started stacking it on the vehicle.” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s not your fault, it’s her fault for not storing her children’s equipment properly, either through stinginess or laziness.
If I was you I’d start reporting her actions to the building management, she won’t change what she is doing until she’s made to.” Medium-Fan440
5. AITJ For Not Spending My Birthday With My Husband?
“I (26) was unemployed for some of my marriage with my husband (31). We’ve been together for 7 years, first year I was employed then I was unemployed till last year because I was at home with our baby.
While I was unemployed I did 100% of the housework, childcare, and pet care (we have two rabbits and three dogs) but I’m working now, and my husband isn’t.
I work at a nonprofit so it’s not the best-paid job in the world, I do two jobs so my first one makes ends meet and the second one means we’re comfortable – I don’t work both jobs every day, a second job I work about 3 days a week.
Problem is that whilst I’m working I’m still expected to cook and do housework, I’ve told my husband I don’t appreciate getting home between 8-9 sometimes 10, and cooking dinner, I grab myself a meal deal on the way home… he promised to change, and so far he’s cooked two meals…
I turned 26 last week, and I spent it with my mother and child… my husband claims I’m a jerk because he had big plans and I knew he had plans; I may have been the jerk because I said ‘what plans? Making me cook?’ He said he’s struggling with depression and cooking is the only time I spend time with him anymore, and I said he knows I hate when he hovers while I cook.
He’s upset and I’m wondering AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Why are you allowing your husband to take advantage of you like this? You are doing way too much in this relationship. He’s 31 years old and basically has no responsibilities. You may as well categorize him as your 2nd child versus being your spouse.
He needs to start behaving like a real father to his kid and a proper partner to you.
If he’s struggling with depression, he needs to seek out mental health resources to help him through it. In the meantime though OP, you need to have a much-needed conversation with him about pulling his weight and getting a job so that things are not all on your shoulders.
Give him a deadline for finding work so he doesn’t continue procrastinating.
Op, you are too young to be dealing with this much stress. You are going to burn yourself out before you’re 30 if you continue on this path. You don’t want to end up 7 more years down the line wondering what happened with your life.
Take a stand and don’t back down.” HachidoriBatafurai
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The only time you spend time with him is only while you’re cooking might be because you have two jobs, and are responsible for all the childcare and pets, as well as all the chores.
If he wants you to have more free time, he needs to pull his weight. If he’s depressed so badly that he can’t work or contribute to your family or household, that’s an emergency. He needs to get on meds, do some inpatient care, and be under the regular care of a psych professional. There are solutions, and if he wants to stay married he needs to find them.
Partnership is about sharing the work of life, and if all you do is make life harder, you are not a partner. Just another child to care for but worse, because at least a child can follow instructions and have babysitters.” MissBuck2DNP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but you need to change your vocabulary, you are not unemployed, you were a stay-at-home. If you’re at home taking care of a baby and taking care of the house, you do have a job.
But honestly, it just sounds like you have a larger issue where because you and your husband both have this vocabulary that states that housework isn’t real work, it has allowed him to feel comfortable taking advantage of your labor.
He’s also flipping this back around to say that he’s a victim who can’t take care of himself and that you are being mean to him, that’s where it goes from he’s just ignorant and he can change to he is doing this on purpose and messing with you.” JCBashBash
4. AITJ For Not Being Able To Completely Trust My Wife?
“My wife and I are on a budget. We both have decent jobs but we also have a fair bit of debt. We want to be in a better financial position before we start a family.
My wife has a terrible habit of not being entirely truthful about stuff.
I will ask her if she picked up groceries for supper or whether I should stop on the way home and she will say she got them. Then when I get home there are no groceries and she will say that she meant to do it before I got home but forgot.
She just got a new phone on Black Friday last year. She is rough on her phones. So we went on Amazon and found a case she liked. We ordered it. I got the delivery notification while I was at work out of town. I asked her if she put the case on her new phone.
She said yes. When I got home a couple of days later I saw the Amazon box unopened and her new phone had a crack on it already. She said that my call reminded her and she was going to do it but got busy.
She does this constantly. I have asked her to please just be truthful. I had to go out again after I got home to get groceries. I don’t really care about that. It is just a pain in the butt to have to leave the house to get them when I could have stopped at the store on the way home much easier.
She complained about her new phone being broken and we paid for the repair out of our budget. It may have gotten broken even with a case on it but I feel that is unlikely.
So now if I ask her a question about something important I verify the answer.
If we have to go somewhere on the weekend and we need a full tank of gas I will ask her if she filled it up or if we need to stop on our way out of town. If she says she filled it I will ask her for a picture of the fuel gauge.
To my complete astonishment, she then texts me that she meant that she would do it before I got home.
She says that I am being petty and a jerk for not trusting her word.
I don’t think that I can trust her about some stuff.
I just am sick of having to change plans because she chooses to lie.
EDIT: My wife isn’t lazy. She has a difficult job and she is great at it. She also doesn’t lie about everything. Just sometimes.”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
What I see here is you do not trust your wife and you have a good reason for it.
She’s flat-out lying to you about little things for some reason. That would annoy the heck out of me to no end and would put a strain on the relationship.
What I see here is a partnership where one person is not being a good teammate.
Your wife can’t do the simplest of things that most normal people don’t even need to think about. Things like picking up the groceries, getting gas, and taking care of the personal property are basic life things that most people don’t really put much thought into.
I would not trust her one bit with anything. I don’t know why you’d want to start a family with her. I would not trust her to be a good mother due to her forgetfulness and her lying about it. Does she have some sort of condition?
None of this is normal and indicates that she might be suffering from something. It’s either that or she’s honestly just lazy and a liar.” Watchfull_Hosemaster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this sounds deeply exhausting. Even if she’s got some kind of executive function issue, she needs to go get tested so she can actually see someone about putting a treatment plan into action.
I think you need to be clear with her that trust is earned, and the fact that things have come to this point still hasn’t curbed her tendency to give the answer she thinks you want and then walk it back or make excuses when called on not following through is deeply concerning.
So either she gets help figuring out why she does this, or you’ve got some thinking to do about where this partnership goes from here.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I don’t think asking for physical verification is going to be more helpful than you picking up after her unless this is a mutual agreement rather than a unilateral one.
You are not her parent or her personal assistant.
You might not believe that she’ll miss anything important in regards to kids you plan on having, but it isn’t something I’d gamble on because unlike you, the kids don’t get to sign up for this, and for a long time in their lives won’t be able to rectify any of her misses themselves.
Even now, her behavior is causing you additional costs fixing phones, getting gas from more expensive stations, and then using it up on extra late-night trips to the grocery store while you are trying to save up, never mind wasting your time and occupying your headspace.
Do not trivialize this, it’s already straining your relationship. But again, the onus should not be on you to ‘fix it’, she needs to acknowledge that it’s a problem first and be an active part in the solution/workaround.
This could be learned behavior from controlling parents (which in turn could have been partially caused by undiagnosed ADHD).
She’s figured out that saying ‘I did it.’ means no further questions while ‘I’m doing it later.’ may lead to stressful and embarrassing follow-ups. She just doesn’t have the executive function to actually use the buffer she gives herself with that strategy though and so stuff she intended to do doesn’t happen.
Right now, it looks like she is still in denial that there is a problem in the first place. You may need professional help with that.” aspiring_geek83
3. AITJ For Telling Our Former Sitter To Ask For Permission Before Posting Our Kids' Pictures?
“My ex-husband and I have two sons who are 21 and 18. We used a sitter ‘Jackson’ for 6 years until our youngest started middle school. No one in our family had communicated with Jackson since. Nothing bad happened. Our kids were crazy for him and he was a part of the family when he worked for us.
Everyone just moved on.
Out of the blue, I, my ex, our sons, and three of their friends got tagged by a post from Jackson. He had posted several photo booth pictures of our sons and their friends from 11 years ago.
He said that he took the five of them bowling and let them run wild at the arcade.
The five of them crammed into the photo booth and took pictures of themselves making funny faces, sticking their middle fingers, flexing their muscles, and jumping on each other.
The booth would take your picture and then you’d pay afterward. None of the boys wanted to use their arcade money for the pictures so they just left. Jackson thought it would be funny to get the pictures and give them to us parents.
He got the pictures printed and forgot about them.
He said he was cleaning out his house and came across all the photos and wanted to share them #tbt.
I DM’d saying that the photos and backstory were cute but he should have asked permission from me before posting pictures of my kids when they were kids.
He didn’t respond. He just edited his post and asked if anyone else had an issue with the photos. My ex replied anyone who did was a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ.
I understand you as a parent, not wanting your kids’ pictures on the Internet in any form.
I also understand Jackson thinking it was years ago, your ‘kids’ are adults now, and there’s nothing negative about the photos that would prevent them from getting into a college or a job.
If anything, you are being a little overprotective. Jackson was a wonderful sitter your kids loved. You trusted him with them in person.
Why do you not trust him with years-old pictures of a time when he did something really fun with them that demonstrates joy?
They’re grown now. I understand how you feel, but on this, you need to back down – and apologize to Jackson for jumping on this.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Yes, he should have asked permission before posting publicly, although since your sons are adults now it’s really their permission he should have asked, not yours, so your message does smack a little of being overprotective. However, it was a jerk move from him not to reply to your private message but to publicly indirectly refer to you having issues with the photo.
It sounds like he needs a lesson on social media etiquette.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He just thought it was a fun bit of nostalgia to tag people in, and your kids are grown adults now. Generally, it’s nice if people ask permission to post pictures of others on social media, but this is kind of different.
I had a girl I was in kindergarten with post our kindergarten class picture and tag me in it once, should I have been offended? You shouldn’t have said anything. You took what was supposed to be a fun little nostalgia trip and was a fuddy-duddy about it and ruined it for him.
Get over yourself.” Defiant_Rule3099
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
He didn’t ask their permission to post them so he’s a jerk based on that. Since your kids are no longer minors you aren’t the one who he should’ve gotten permission from.
If he wanted them to see it he should’ve sent it to them instead of posting it since he knows their social media accounts.” Silent_Syd241
2. AITJ For Grounding My Daughter On Christmas?
“My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We have a 9-year-old daughter together (Maya). I also have a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship (Nova) and he has a 15-year-old son from a previous relationship (Oliver).
This is about Oliver and Nova. About a month ago Nova broke Oliver’s iPad.
She claimed it was an accident but Oliver believes she did it out of jealousy. The iPad can’t be fixed so we have to buy him a new one. I told Nova she has to buy one for him and since she doesn’t have any money this is what we are gonna do.
She is going to ask for half of the iPad’s money from her dad for Christmas. I’ll also give her the other half. Then she can buy an iPad for Oliver. She wasn’t happy about it and threw a tantrum about not getting any Christmas gifts for herself this year.
I told her that actions have consequences. This is her consequence.
Yesterday I found out that not only her dad doesn’t have any intention of giving her money for Oliver’s iPad, he is buying a new iPad for Christmas FOR NOVA. Apparently, it was her idea because she wants to have an iPad.
I asked her what about Oliver and she just shrugged. I told her in this case you are grounded for Christmas. This year she is supposed to be with me for Christmas and it’s court-ordered so her dad can’t do anything about it. I told her she won’t celebrate with us.
She’ll get her iPad but she’ll stay in her room
Her dad is calling me a jerk and says I’m cruel for doing this punishment. I think she needs this lesson.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You and her dad need to get on the same page before making these decisions – you told her she had to ask her dad for Oliver’s iPad money as her Christmas gift and are surprised he didn’t acquiesce to your demands.
And then you’re surprised that while you tried to unilaterally decide what he’s going to get her for Christmas, instead he used his money to buy his daughter an iPad, which she wanted?
It’s fine that actions have consequences and that she has to do something to ‘make up’ the money for the iPad.
Being generally grounded and doing some household chores should be sufficient.
Also, if you’re on Oliver’s side here, which it sounds like you are, and there’s a possibility Nova broke his iPad out of jealousy, why do you think forcing her to spend the holiday alone is going to change her behavior?
You need to address that jealousy issue.” reggiesnap
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. This is bad parenting and some wild illogical actions from you. First of all, why do you just take your stepson’s word for this being intentional? It could’ve been an accident for all we know since you don’t give any other reason other than your stepson thinking she did it on purpose.
Second of all, you have zero right to expect Nova’s father to contribute half the money for Oliver’s iPad. I was scratching my head at that one. Demanding Nova to ask her father for half the money was absolutely ridiculous. If you want her to cover half the cost, then tell her she needs to get a job or do chores to earn the money or something.
You cannot control what Nova’s father gets her for Christmas or how his money is spent. Get that through because it’s really wild that you think you have a say over that.
And grounding her for Christmas is just cruel. You could’ve established she has to share her new iPad with Oliver while she’s at your house until she can help buy him a new one.
Or that she cannot use it while at yours if anything. Making her spend the holiday in her room is Dursley-esque crap.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Mostly for how you approached this.
Accident or not, your daughter broke the iPad. So she should be expected to help replace it.
Not your EX. Your ex didn’t take the iPad. And yes, having your ex give your daughter the money to pay for the iPad means he is paying for the iPad.
Instead, you should have had her do extra chores to work it off. Or diminished her allowance or something.
You gave her an adult punishment and then penalized her because she couldn’t pay the fee. Now you’re mad that she’s mad that you made her pay for something and then punished her when she couldn’t pay it.
Welcome to the American penal system. Whereas the low-earning get one speeding ticket, can’t pay it, then get pulled up in court with more fines because they miss the deadline to pay it, then have a warrant out for their arrest, get put in jail, miss work, lose their job, and still can’t pay the ticket.
It doesn’t work for adults. How do you expect this to work for children?” NotSoAverage_sister
1. AITJ For Wanting To Say That My Sister-In-Law Is An Awful Host?
“My husband is one of 3 siblings and they usually rotate who hosts Christmas. It’s usually the same people who go every year give or take a few. It is My husband and me with our 2 kids, his sister and husband with their 3 kids, his younger brother and his daughter, his mom, and dad, grandma, usually an aunt and uncle, and maybe a cousin or 2.
Not to mention his brother-in-law’s parents and maybe a sibling come too.
I really don’t want to sound like I’m this type of person because I don’t judge anybody on their house size or their wealth, but the issue is that his sister’s house is so tiny it’s uncomfortable for everyone there.
It actually isn’t even an individual house but it is half of a duplex type. There will be about 20 people coming this year and I just think it’s ridiculous for her to insist on hosting. They also have a large Great Dane that is on top of everyone, well actually everyone is on top of everyone.
I kid you not that half of the guests have to sit on the living room floor to eat. Usually, the older relatives sit at the 4-person dining table, a few people sit on the couch, and the rest of us are standing or sitting on the floor with our plates of food.
OH, and the last big kicker is that there is only ONE bathroom that constantly smells like poop.
My kids always complain about going to this aunt’s house because of the reasons I listed. I am siding with them and I said I would talk to dad about us volunteering to host. We don’t live in a mansion but we can comfortably fit all the guests and we have more than 1 bathroom.
Husband doesn’t want to because he says it will hurt his sister’s feelings and she already knows how poor they are and this would be rubbing it in her face. I don’t think that should be the case, I think she should want the family to be comfortable.
I’m sure she must know we don’t love sitting on the floor in that cramped house. I’m not sure if I sound like a spoiled jerk right now or if I’m right.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. The sister’s doing her share by offering to host, even though her place isn’t really big enough.
She hasn’t left anyone out and sounds like she’s doing her best. On the other hand, it’s Christmas and you and your kids obviously want to be comfortable and not eat your food whilst sitting on the floor with a dog climbing over you. But if you insisted on hosting instead, I think it’d be rude.
Is there a way you can compromise? For example, taking a camping table or suggesting a walk after dinner (so you’re not all cramped up together but still spending time together) and then heading home after? Or have a separate, second ‘Christmas Day’ with your kids when you get back home.” PenguinAlive
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas stuffed into a small house with 20 people and have to eat on the floor. Plus there’s only 1 bathroom between all 20 people? That’s a recipe for disaster
If you and your kids don’t enjoy it you are perfectly within your rights to not go.
Her feelings might be hurt but honestly, she has to know that her house is not good for hosting such a large group. There are other options (like your house!) so it’s not like it’s her house or nothing.
The main thing to me is that your kids are complaining about the situation.
They deserve to enjoy themselves on Christmas and they won’t if you/your husband make them go to their aunt’s house. Your husband should be more concerned with his children’s feelings than his sister’s.” NJtoOx
Another User Comments:
“If she is happy to host. And she thinks she can make it work, then******* up and let her.
Check-in with her. And see if there’s anything you can do to make it easier for her and let her say no if she wants.
Some people love to host and don’t want to have to wait till they have their dream home to do it.
This is an important lesson for your kids, that what’s really important is the love and time together.
And as for the bathroom situation, bring a ‘gift’ of a reed oil diffuser. And go check the bathroom every now and then and give it a quick clean.
Your SIL will already have a lot on her plate to have to keep up with keeping the bathroom clean.
No jerks here” CanILiveInAGlade
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Just post in the group chat or whatever that SIL’s house is too small and it would not be realistic for her to host 20 people there.
That her house just doesn’t work for a gathering.
She is more than welcome to help you host at your house but you are pushing for the gathering to be at your house.
If they push back then be honest. Tell her/them they need to get over it because the bathroom always stinks, the house is too little they have no tables and chairs and they have a gross dog.
Logistically her house doesn’t work. It’s rude to everyone else to force them to go to sols house just because she wants to host. Who cares if she’s poor or if her feelings get her? Other people shouldn’t have a crappy time just so she feels good hosting.
If I were you I would push for hosting the gathering. SIL can host when she has a bigger house.
People shouldn’t have to sit on the floor with the food they have to protect themselves from a huge dog, especially kids. Just to protect your SIL’s feelings.
She needs to get over it and stop hosting.” Intrepid-Database-15
