People Want To Tell Us Their Reasons For Their Behavior In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
21. AITJ For Not Letting My Relatives Live In Our House?
“My maternal grandmother got remarried to a wealthy man after my bio-grandad died when my mom was young. They got divorced after an affair was discovered, and my grandmother got one of his homes in a very, very nice area.
Grandma got remarried again to another wealthy man, the person I call Grandpa.
Grandma and Grandpa have since passed, and Grandma left the house to my mom, who was her only child. Funds were divided between my mom and her step-siblings and my aunts and uncles. The house is a huge, beautiful, five-bedroom, 5.5-bathroom Georgian-style home with a pool and jacuzzi. My grandmother treasured that house and put a lot of effort and love into it over the decades she lived there.
I could never sell it; she always said she wanted it to remain in the family for generations. Mom and Dad lived there once grandma and grandpa passed and I was out of the house. However, they’ve since moved to Florida and left the house in my care. This house is a pain in the b******s to maintain, though. Neither I nor my parents are rich by any stretch of the imagination.
Every penny of my mom’s inheritance goes to maintaining the house.
Now the issue: My favorite cousin on my grandpa’s side recently asked me about moving in. His wife, whom I don’t get along all that well with, said that since I have the extra space, they wouldn’t mind them and their two kids moving in for a while. According to them, they’re tired of ‘slumming it’ in the city in an apartment and were hoping they could get a higher quality of life in a nice neighborhood.
They could save the funds from rent and put it towards their own house in a year or two.
I was put on the spot, but I told them no. I valued my privacy and solitude. I told them that my lifestyle conflicted with theirs, and it wouldn’t work. They called me selfish for not even considering it and said that I should at least take some time.
I told them the answer would be the same if I did think about it. My dad’s side of the family said I was being selfish. My dad has assured me he’s taking care of it and that he’s on my side. Mom has told me that, under no circumstances, I am allowed to let anyone move in under penalty of death.
I have to wonder: am I being selfish here?
I mean, I have a ton of room, and I’d be helping out my family and my little niblings.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your mom said NO. She should be the one to run interference here and put the matter to rest.
Besides, do you really believe that these mooches are going to save up enough funds to buy their own home in a couple of years?
If you do, then I’ve got a big, dandy bridge nearby to sell you! You would never get rid of them.
You stated that you don’t get along with your cousin’s wife. If they all moved in (which it seems won’t happen), the dynamics of all of these people would turn your life inside out!
You are NOT being selfish! And anyone who thinks so is an entitled and rude jerk.” IMAGINARIAN_photos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Letting a family of four move in would completely change your life. I’m willing to bet they’d take over and presume they’d get to decide things since they’d be the majority of the tenants. After all, they already decided they could move in!
Not to mention the presumption that ‘they could save the funds from rent’. So they’d planned to not even pay rent?
You aren’t even a little bit the jerk. Every time they bring it up, just remind them you’ve already given your answer and it’s not up for discussion.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m guessing that Mom still technically owns the house, and she has said NO ONE. So you cannot allow anyone in the house without her permission. If the house has already been signed over to you, then everything is a matter of your choice.
If you don’t want to share, then you don’t have to.
These are cousins from Mom’s side of the family, correct? Then your dad’s side of the family has no say or vote in any of this. If these cousins are from Dad’s side of the family, then they are way out of line. That house was passed down by your maternal grandmother, and no one on your dad’s side of the family has any claim, say, or vote on this whatsoever.
The fact that these people want to move in and live rent-free, with utilities and probably everything else free, is a bad sign. They saw a chance for a free ride and are now throwing a fit that you stopped them before the ride even started. Stand your ground with them.” shadowdragon1978
20. AITJ For Letting My Wife Wear Whatever She Wants On My Sister's Wedding?
“My (33m) sister (36f) is getting married and she asked my fiancée (33f) to be a bridesmaid. My fiancée said yes initially but now she has bowed out and my sister is angry about it. My fiancée dropped out of being a bridesmaid because of the dress my sister chose for them. The dress doesn’t have straps and it is a mini dress.
My fiancée says it is too short for her to be comfortable in.
The real dress has blue instead of black and green parts. But that’s the exact cut of dress my sister picked for the bridesmaids (in blue and purple). My fiancée says she wouldn’t be comfortable being in something so short and strapless for an all-day wedding and reception or standing in front of 350+ people.
Not to mention having photos all over social media.
My sister said no when my fiancée suggested a different dress or being able to wear a cardigan or sweater over it as a compromise. So my fiancée has bowed out, and she didn’t think it would be an issue since the wedding isn’t until next year, so it’s not like she bowed out at the last minute.
My sister says she doesn’t understand why my fiancée is uncomfortable because she is a personal trainer and has the body for it.
My sister also says it will look weird if she isn’t a bridesmaid because all of the bride and groom’s siblings and their spouses, fiancés, and fiancées are in the wedding party, so it would look strange if my fiancée was missing.
I support my fiancée and don’t want her to be uncomfortable. I don’t care if no one else has an issue with the dress. So that’s enough for me.
My sister is furious, though, and she is mad at me too for not convincing my fiancée to wear the dress. I refused to do that. Would I be the jerk for not convincing my fiancée to wear the dress and for telling my sister to back off and leave her alone?
My sister is pulling the I’m family and the bride card and has gotten our parents involved, and they are on my back over it. They are all not happy with me and my fiancée.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – This is why people ASK others to be part of the wedding party, they don’t DEMAND/ASSIGN them. ‘No’ is a complete answer. Moreso than that, your fiancée gave the reasoning that anyone can understand: ‘No, what you are asking me to wear in order to fulfill this role makes me too uncomfortable and I decline the position.’
If your sister keeps pushing it, maybe ask the other bridesmaids how they feel about wearing such a short/revealing dress, your fiancée might not be alone in her discomfort. All the bridesmaids having the same complaint might lead to your sister rethinking her plan.” Sneaky__Fox85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Some people are just not comfortable in that style of dress, even if they have the body for it.
Your sister is allowed to ask her bridesmaids to wear dresses of her choosing. She is not allowed to bully others into wearing something they aren’t comfortable with. Also, it won’t look ‘weird’ if your fiancée isn’t a bridesmaid. Lots of wedding parties don’t include couples. Your sister is 36; it’s time to grow up and deal with the fact that not everyone is going to put aside their own comfort level for her dream wedding.
Your parents and family should butt out of this.
Talking your fiancée into wearing something that she would feel uncomfortable in all day would be a jerk move. Your fiancée backed out in plenty of time for your sister to find someone to fill the spot.
You are an amazing partner to your fiancée!” MerryMoose923
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s very simple: your fiancée is a grown woman who has made a choice based on her personal boundaries, and you are 100% right to support that decision.
She has been very reasonable in expressing her boundaries and offering your sister potential solutions. Your sister is a jerk for not respecting that her bridesmaids are humans and not merely her photo props. Whether or not she thinks the dress would fit well or look good on your fiancée’s body is irrelevant; it’s not her body.
It is not your job to convince your partner or anyone else to display their body in a manner that makes her uncomfortable.
YWBT if you bullied her into doing it, so good on you for respecting her decision.” JK12181
Just like your sister can refuse to change the dress or say no to wearing something over it, your partner can refuse to be part of the bridal party.
Your sister is wrong in this case, she should have just accepted it and asked someone else.
19. AITJ For Showing My Niece What "Equal" Division Of Labor In Our House Means?
“I’m a stay-at-home mom by choice, and my husband works two jobs to make that possible for me. Due to his two jobs, the majority of housekeeping and cooking is my responsibility.
My husband spends extra time with the kids and taking care of them when he’s off or has an hour or two of downtime, and does stuff around the house on his off time. We are happy with this arrangement, and it works for us.
My niece Jenny (20F, fake name) is staying with us while she’s in college. The only expenses she has are her own food if she doesn’t want to eat what we make, her car, and her gas, so she works part-time.
She does not like our arrangement at all. Jenny is constantly talking about how my husband needs to be doing more around the house and taking care of his kids. I’ve told her that his contribution is working so that I can pursue staying home, but she doesn’t listen and has told both of us that it needs to be 50/50 with housekeeping and childcare.
My husband, for the most part, ignores her; he told her once that he does what he can when he can and hasn’t entertained her pestering since.
It got to a point where I told Jenny she either needed to respect our dynamic, not just agree with respect, or she would need to figure out a different living arrangement.
A couple of days ago, my husband got home early, around 1130 p.m. He wanted to play some games to unwind before we went to bed. He asked if I had moved his console.
We were looking for it when Jenny came up from the basement and said that she had his console and would give it back once he actually helped around the house so I could get a break. We got his console back after telling her we would not tolerate stealing in our house and telling her we’d figure out what to do about her by morning.
We decided to give her one last chance before going with the kick-her-out option. We asked what she thought he should be doing around the house, and she told us, and we then told her that she would be responsible for all of those tasks minus child care for the week. We sent our oldest to my parents, and for the first 4 days, if it was on that list, I didn’t do it.
Some mess accumulated and meals didn’t get made for 2 out of those 4 days. Jenny complained that she couldn’t do everything with her studies and job, but I told her I didn’t want to hear it since she expected my husband to do it. On the fifth day, Jenny left to stay with a friend, and I got a call from my sister.
She feels what we did was cruel and too far since Jenny ‘was just trying to stand up for her aunt’. I told her I didn’t need Jenny standing up for me; what I needed was for her to respect how my husband and I run our household and not always have a go at him. She wants us to let Jenny come back and drop the cleaning lesson, but I told her no way since she DID steal from my husband over this.
My own parents are now backing my sister. Were we wrong to have Jenny do housework to make a point?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She seems to have confused the concepts of ‘equal division of labor’ and ‘equitable division of labor.’
The division does not need to be 50/50 to be equitable.
Your husband works, so the equitable division of household labor is NOT equal if he takes on a disproportionate amount of labor when factoring in his out-of-home labor.
Equitable is not the same as equal.
Furthermore, even though she thinks that she is helping you by complaining about your household and marital arrangements, what she is actually doing is the opposite—she’s treating you like you don’t have the agency and autonomy to make informed decisions as an adult woman.
Her idea of feminism is very, very skewed.” Lux_Brumalis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Jenny has some nerve. She contributes nothing to the household and gets free room and food. Frankly, if I were you, I’d hold her to keeping up some of the cleaning as a requirement to move back in. Tell your sister that Jenny’s attempt at a power play woke you up to the fact that it would be good to have more help around the house.
But before we start asking those who already contribute to the household to do more, it makes sense to put the work on the person who until now has done nothing.” anglerfishtacos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She wasn’t trying to ‘stand up for her aunt’, she was trying to insert her unwelcome ideology into your home because she doesn’t agree with you. Then she decided it would be appropriate to take a parental role (over two adults) in your home and ‘punish’ your husband for not doing what she thinks he ought to be doing.
Your solution was very clever. Give her a taste of what she’s demanding your husband, who is working two jobs, to do. She couldn’t hack it, lol.
She thought she was being your hero, a champion for women’s rights! Turns out she’s just a jerk pushing her unwelcome beliefs onto others.” IamIrene
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Husband For Coming Home Late While I'm Starving?
“My husband started a new job 2 weeks ago and this is very much so a job where the employees make a point to do everything together. Like going out to eat after work as a group. Or riding to every single job together (despite it being recommended to bring your own vehicles) which means it takes longer for him to get home because he’s either driving everyone home or has to wait for the driver to bring everyone home.
I truly wouldn’t care if it wasn’t cutting into our family time.
I am currently pregnant and we have 2 sons already. He uses the ‘It’s because it’s so new and it’s nice to finally hang out with people’ excuse and it’s honestly exhausting because I don’t even remember the last time I was able to hang out with anyone because I am constantly having to watch over and manage this household.
He on the other hand has a bucketload of friends and sees them often. When he is home he is absolutely fantastic and I know he isn’t doing this purposely to avoid coming home. He is truly just one of those people who needs to socialize A LOT or he feels alone – even if it’s only been a day since he hung out with people.
Anyway, the boys went to their grandmothers tonight, and he knew this. It’s the first time we have had alone time in a hot minute. He also has my debit card (his was pinged for fraud, and he needed lunch and stuff, so I gave it to him for the day until he gets his replacement), and there’s no food here, which he also knows.
Today was supposed to be grocery shopping day. But again, he has my card. Therefore, I am starving and getting really angry about it.
He was supposed to be home at 4:30. I called him at 5 and asked him where he was, and he told me his coworkers wanted to stop off for pizza and burgers before going home and that he would be home in an hour, roughly.
I asked why he felt this was in any way acceptable, knowing we have no food here, he has my ONLY debit card, and I am pregnant, like?
He offered to bring me something home, and I said no. I will just take my card when he gets back and go out by myself to get myself something to eat. He says I am being ridiculous, but I truly don’t think I am.
My best friend, however, said that she understands my point, but I am acting psycho over him hanging out with his coworkers every night because ‘men have a different way of unwinding’.”
Another User Comments:
“Wow. NTJ. Your husband truly needs to reset his priorities. Going out 1-2 times MAX per week after work should be the limit when you have two kids and a pregnant wife!
He should also take EVERY opportunity to treat you well, especially on the rare kid-free opportunities. He should be taking you out to a nice dinner.
Seriously, I’m a divorce lawyer. That’s exactly where I see this heading if he does not get his act together. Also, your friend apparently has a crappy relationship too. Women, demand more. Men, do better.” MadTownMich
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your friend to get her head out of the 1950s. Super crappy, he left you high and dry without a way of getting dinner. He needs to start prioritizing you and your children above his coworkers.
You should sit down with your husband and come to a compromise. Maybe he goes out two nights a week with the work crew and comes right home to take care of the kids and household (as a parent, he shouldn’t need to be told this) two nights a week, and you should get a weeknight to do what you want.
Which is still an unequal distribution. Does he ever take care of the kids alone? Like on a Sat or Sun? If not, you should visit family or friends and go away and let him see what it’s like so he can understand what his weeknight absences feel like.” ASBF2015
Another User Comments:
“This is not okay! You have no food at home on a day that is grocery day, and he is not at all thinking about your needs.
No even going into the childcare part. Your friend is dumb, sorry. I’d expect your friend to be more understanding and support you, but this is so off base.
You need to talk with both of them. It sounds like your husband has gotten used to ignoring home duties and takes you and your generosity for granted. Your friend might have issues in her own home if she thinks it’s okay to give you that kind of advice, but you’d want her to know why that is so messed up.
NTJ” CurrencyOld7187
17. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother's Partner Roll Down The Car Window?
“My (30M) brother, ‘Alex’, (25M), has been going out with ‘Rose’ (24F) for nearly a year now. I like her a lot for the most part, but this instance has caused issues.
Rose gets hot easily and prefers to have the windows down. It doesn’t matter what vehicle or what kind of weather, temperature-wise, she needs them down. On her own, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal because she’s driving.
I don’t mind the windows being down if we’re driving through town. However, I cannot drive with the windows down on the highway. I have ADHD, so driving in itself is a bit of a challenge. I’ve learned how to deal with minor distractions, but one I cannot get over is the sound of the windows down on the highway.
I’ve explained this to Rose and offered to even turn on the AC if she’s truly that hot.
She says she needs the windows down or else she’s going to overheat. I’ve told her to either wear layers in the car or, again, I’ll put on the AC. She’s continued to do so, even after several talks with both her and Alex. My brother just kind of shrugs and says, ‘What can you do?’ Both have said there is no condition behind this preference.
As I said, Rose is a fun person, so the three of us and my SO, ‘Paige’ (30F), will go out often. At first, we took turns driving if we weren’t Ubering somewhere, but given this whole window debacle, I stopped offering. Then Murphy’s Law (‘Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong’) went into effect. The only available car was mine last night.
We picked up Alex and Rose, who sat in the backseat. As usual, Rose turned down the window. I told her I would be rolling it up when we got on the highway, and she said that was fine and even did it herself when we pulled on. Two minutes later, I hear the window coming down and that awful whooshing sound. I told her to put it back up, and she started whining, ‘But I’m hot!’ I pointed out that the AC was on, but that wasn’t enough for her.
She still refused. We came through a bit of traffic. I don’t know if all cars have this, but mine has one where you can prevent the backseat from opening and closing the window. I assume it’s a feature mostly for people with kids.
I rolled up the window and used the feature. I don’t think Rose realized I had done it, as it’s a silent maneuver; she just knew I rolled up the window.
A little later, she tries to put it down again, and it obviously doesn’t work. She’s getting frustrated. I tell her that it’s not going to roll down and that I won’t unlock it until we get off the highway. She starts freaking out, telling me she’s so hot and I need to open the window now! I tell her no and crank up the AC some more if she’s that hot.
Alex kept telling her to calm down; she’s fine, etc. Rose whined the entire way, even when we got off the highway and I unlocked the windows. She didn’t even touch them.
When we got to our destination, Rose took an Uber home in a huff. She texted me later, saying I’m a jerk, and if I expect her to get over being hot in the car, why can’t I get over the distraction of the highway?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Even if Rose is dealing with claustrophobia or anxiety and ‘hot’ is the only word she can hit on to describe her discomfort, when you are driving, the windows being up is a safety issue for the entire car and outweighs her discomfort. She would not be very comfortable if there was an accident because you couldn’t focus enough on an unpredictable car moving between lanes and your reaction time was compromised, either.
NTJ.” Confident_Tourist580
Another User Comments:
“The thing that makes her overheat is her entitlement and rage when her power-play moves are rebutted.
It being your car is enough, especially since you are not just being stubborn and nit-picky but also having a genuine medical condition (ADHD here, for whom driving has always been too overwhelming, so I understand).
I would not let her in my car, nor would anyone else who defends her or tries to make you feel bad about it.
People like them will never be happy with you and will continue to push the line until you probably have to cut her/them off. So I would say, NTJ, and no more trying to get people to respect you; if they don’t now, they never will, because by behaving respectfully towards someone offering help (a free ride), you will not eventually come up with an argument to change their mind.
If she is so much fun, then your other friends can drive her. Wait and see how angry people who defended Rose get if you put your foot down, and Rose and her thorns are forced to take the role of Rose’s chauffeur.
NTJ, and I would not just lock the windows, but the doors—with Rose standing outside the car.” Catmanfresh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like Rose has more of a claustrophobia problem than a temperature problem. She needs to pursue a solution for that on her own, and it’s not your responsibility to impair your driving ability (and thus endangering everyone in the vehicle) in order to cater to her phobia and/or sensory issues.
Also, it’s your vehicle, so you make the rules. That’s actually the only thing that matters.
Rose can pound sand and find another ride. End of story.” slobyGYN
16. AITJ For Letting My Partner's Daughter Skip School?
“I (31f) have been with my partner (39) for 3 years. I have no kids, but my partner has 3: ages 16 (Seanna), 12, and 10. I work from home, so I help the kids get off to school because my partner works early.
Yesterday Seanna woke up having very bad cramps. The kids don’t usually attempt to stay home, and my partner does have this rule that if they don’t have a fever they can’t stay home. Me being a woman, empathized with Seanna so I gave her some Midol and told her to go back to sleep, then I texted my partner letting him know I let her stay home.
My partner didn’t see my text till later in the day and became furious, saying how I blatantly ignored his instructions with his children, how she was probably making it up to stay home from school, and how it wasn’t my decision to make. When he got home we got into a big argument, and he told me I shouldn’t make parental decisions like that.
I’ve made multiple decisions about the children in the past 3 years. With cramps, you don’t have to have a fever to be in extreme pain, which I tried to explain, but he argued back that I didn’t understand because I had no children.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your partner’s rule that they can only stay home if they have a fever is absurd, and if she doesn’t have a history of trying to ditch school, he should give his daughter the benefit of the doubt.
Going to school in miserable pain isn’t going to be conducive to learning. Maybe he needs to try one of those cramp simulators.” AgentAlpo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might not have kids of your own, but you surely have been lending a hand in the raising of his. If he has an issue with that, he can do ALL childcare going forward. Laundry, cooking, shopping, and getting them out the door to school.
If his head is so firmly stuck up his butt that he can’t understand that sometimes cramps can be excruciating, then look into getting a cramp simulator. I’d bet he taps out before it’s even at its medium setting.” A_herd_of_fluff
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she’d fallen and broken a bone, and he didn’t see your message or didn’t answer your call, are you just supposed to let her lie there and suffer?
Your partner is an idiot. Firstly, his no-fever rule is ridiculous. A person can be seriously sick and not spike a fever until much later, or in some cases, not at all. Secondly, he has no clue what menstrual cramps feel like or what it’s like to be female, so he should stutter and trust your judgment. Thirdly, if he doesn’t think you have a right to make such decisions, tell him to keep his controlling butt home til the kids are off to school, and if one of the kids needs to come home because he sent them sick, make sure he has to take off work to go get them, because, you know, you can’t make a parental decision like signing them out of school.” takatine
15. AITJ For Saying My Partner's Sister And Her Significant Other Were Too Clingy?
“I (33M) have been with my partner Han (31F) for just over a year. Han has a younger sister, Ce (27F), who she’s extremely close to. Ce and I get along really well. I’d never met Ce’s SO, but she and my partner are also pretty close.
Han and Ce’s parents were extremely homophobic growing up and kicked Ce out when she was 16 when they discovered she had kissed a girl. As such, neither of them had a relationship with their parents for the past nine years. However, in the past year, their parents have demonstrated real growth and have gone out of their way to try and repair some of the damage that they caused. They made an active effort to get to know Ce and her partner, El (26F).
It was Ce and El’s 4-year anniversary last week, and Ce also just got accepted to do a Ph.D. at Harvard.
To celebrate both occasions, they threw a family gathering to celebrate Ce and El’s anniversary and the Ph.D. They invited many family members and friends. This was the first time I met El. Understandably, Ce told Han and me she was nervous about being in a big group with El and being so public in front of their parents.
Throughout the night, Ce and El were very close, and they displayed an unexpected amount of PDA: hand holding sometimes, occasional hand on back. PDA makes me extremely uncomfortable when anyone does it, and it was unnerving. Toward the end of the night, Han’s father made a speech about how proud they are that their daughter is who she is now and has made something of herself despite the irreparable damage they caused when she was young.
It was emotional, and El held Ce in a hug because it made her cry for an extended period. It made me so uncomfortable that I had to leave the room.
Han says it was extremely homophobic and that other couples had displayed PDA. She’s asked me not to call her until I’ve had a chance to think about whether I’m really okay with Ce.
It’s not because she’s gay; I just really hate PDA and spent more time with her than any other couple. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, holding hands, hugging, and patting someone’s back are the mildest forms of affection you could possibly show. If those mild activities bother you that much, you might need to get some therapy. Most people wouldn’t even call that PDA (I get it technically is but most people think of PDA as kissing).
The PDA you’ve described is literally so mild that you would see a parent with their child doing that out in public. If it upsets you that much, yeah you really need therapy. You shouldn’t be projecting such ridiculous insecurities onto other people. God help any future kids you might have if you won’t hug them or hold their hands.” Strange_Salamander33
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely YTJ.
Look, I’m sure you were under the impression you were subtle and that no one but your partner noticed you leave, but the reality is that it’s extremely unlikely that’s the case. Chances are, people saw you leave out of the corner of their eyes. Someone abruptly leaving is noticeable, even if you try to be discreet. It’s just part of human biology—a survival tactic.
Sudden shifts in movement attract attention.
And considering your partner noticed that other couples were displaying PDA and you didn’t have to leave the room, she’s probably not the only one. God forbid her sister did.” hightidesoldgods
Another User Comments:
“If you seriously think a bit of hand-holding, back-patting, and an extended hug is an excessive amount of PDA, there is something wrong with you.
Irrespective of the couple, that’s hardly PDA at all, let alone ‘excessive’. Do you never hold Han’s hand, pat her back, or hug her anywhere outside of 4 walls and a roof?
You need to think very, very deeply about the opinions you express and the opinions you genuinely hold. Because this post makes them seem at odds with each other, irrespective of your claims.
Well done for showing this side of yourself at a celebration for Ce and El. Han has seen something she doesn’t like, and your prejudice might have cost you your relationship.
YTJ” The_Blonde1
14. AITJ For Not Buying My Deskmate Coffee Because She Wants An Expensive One?
“I (23M) started working at my office a few months ago, and I’m the newest one at the office.
It’s a very nice company, and my co-workers have been nothing but nice to me, so I’ve been running out during my lunch to grab people coffee. I’m not super rich, but I’m comfortable enough to do this a few times a month out of my own pocket.
I started doing it the first month I worked there to be friendly and be able to make conversation with co-workers I didn’t know, and it worked fantastic.
Now, other co-workers have been doing this too, so there’s usually a coffee run once or twice a week.
Most of my co-workers just get plain lattes or refreshers, but not my deskmate. My deskmate asks for an iced coffee with all types of extras on it (which makes it more expensive) as well as a few pastries. You do you, but she only orders this, and my other co-workers have gotten annoyed with it too.
I mentioned to my deskmate that I’m doing this out of my own pocket as well as that of our other co-workers, and I don’t mind doing it, but she hasn’t gotten coffee from anybody once but has given her order out every time somebody offers a coffee run. Some of my co-workers have also started asking her for funds for it since it costs roughly $4–5 more than all of the other orders.
She said she understood but still ordered the same thing without changing or trying to cut back on the cost. This week I offered to get coffee for anyone who wanted it privately to everyone without letting her know of the offer. I ran out and got coffee, and we ran into each other when I was coming in, and she asked why I didn’t ask her.
I told her that her order is too expensive for her to constantly be asking others to buy her coffee for free, and I thought she shouldn’t be getting coffee for free if she wasn’t going to pitch in. She gets mad and tells me I’m purposely excluding her, and it’s not her fault that I offered to get coffee for the office for free.
I walked off and continued doing my work until I finished, and I didn’t acknowledge her for the rest of the day. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but depending on your workplace, she might have a legitimate complaint that you are excluding her. Even if you have a good reason—her order is expensive and she never makes a run—you’re still offering to all your coworkers but her.
Not a great look.
I would request that she pay you every time for the more expensive drink, and if she doesn’t, then you can decline to pick it up for her. You’re offering to treat her to the same drink as everyone else; she’s the one refusing and asking for more.” maantre
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because she’s a mooch, but in my country, not including her in the coffee run could be construed as bullying if she wanted to be a jerk about it, which she probably would, given that she’s already proved she is one.
You could always just get her an ordinary coffee—the same one you bought yourself, for example. Then you’re not excluding her, but you’re not paying over the odds either. And don’t buy pastries unless she pays you upfront. Pastries aren’t coffee, and you’re buying coffee.
As to getting her to pitch in to do a coffee run herself, that’s a more difficult call.
You (plural you, as in the office) could try saying that if she wants to be included, she has to do her fair share of them. But if she refuses and you all keep up your little coffee club, read my first paragraph again.
I don’t like your deskmate, OP.” The_Blonde1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made a generous offer. Others in the office have kept their orders within reason and have been reciprocally generous.
She is taking advantage of your generosity to go way over the top with her order while never funding the coffee run like other people. If you had a coffee fund jar by a coffee maker in your office, she wouldn’t contribute to that, either. She’s a moocher. Don’t let her mooch off you.” Legitimate-Moose-816
13. AITJ For Walking Out After My Fiancé's Daughter's Prank?
“I got recently engaged to my fiancè Michael. We don’t live together but we agreed to move together soon.
He has a 16-year-old daughter. I gotta be honest, she seems quite stubborn and her own dad struggles to get her to listen. I’m not close with her, which is something I know I need to work on and I do my best. However, her pranks make it difficult for me to maintain a good relationship with her. She loves to prank and her prank can be a lot sometimes, though there’s sometimes some humor there.
I tried to laugh it off every time she’d prank me, but it’s gotten too much lately.
My final straw was her dad’s birthday. I came to spend the day and have a celebratory dinner. My future in-laws and relatives came as well. All went well until dinner. We were about to have dinner, and once we walked into the dining room, I was stunned to see my undergarments hanging on a hanger in the corner.
My stepdaughter looked at me, smiled, and said ‘You forgot these last time you visited, and I didn’t want you to forget them again, so I hung them here!’. I was absolutely astonished—speechless even.
Michael was shocked, and my in-laws and other guests, INCLUDING Michael’s friends, were staring at me in awkward silence. I felt so humiliated, especially when some of the men laughed. The next thing I knew, I yelled at her and was grabbing my stuff, about to leave, when Michael and his daughter told me to calm down; it was just a prank.
I left immediately and turned my phone off. Michael left many texts and voice messages calling me ‘hypersensitive’ and claiming I ruined his birthday by walking out over a prank.
We argued later, and he said his daughter is a teenager and it’s what they do, so my reaction was over the top and ruined the birthday for him and his family.
I haven’t spoken to him in days, and he’s expecting me to visit to apologize for walking out and also yelling at his daughter.
AITJ? Did I overreact?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Most teenagers do not pull pranks like that against an adult with whom they are not close. And it’s a horribly mean and humiliating thing to do to someone no matter what your relationship is like. She is trying to get you out of her dad’s life. I’d oblige her. And I’d tell her dad that you aren’t willing to subject yourself to years of being embarrassed and having your feelings hurt with his approval, which is exactly what is happening when he excuses her actions because she’s ‘just a teenager’.” Miserable-Problem889
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Pranks should be good-natured and fun. If not everyone is laughing, it is bullying. The daughter is clearly trying to make it known that she does not like you. She doesn’t have to like you, but she needs to learn to show respect to the people in her life.
Disrespecting you should be seen as disrespecting her father and his choices.
The fact that your fiancé does not see it that way is concerning and should be addressed before marriage.” ceebs87
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is 16. If my daughter did anything even close to that, I would have gone ballistic. It’s awful. It was cruel and awful, and you are worth SO MUCH MORE than their treatment of you. Do not apologize. Stand your ground.
She took your personal, intimate items and displayed them in a way meant to hurt and humiliate you. You did nothing wrong by yelling and leaving. You stood up for yourself when no one else did. Your fiancé humiliated himself by not immediately sending that spoiled brat to her room and canceling all her privileges. Do not go back. He does not love you. That is not what love looks like.” lady_crab_cakes
12. AITJ For Feeling Angry At My Mother-In-Law For Blaming Me For My Husband's Infidelity?
“I (30F) was married to my husband (32M) for 4 years and in a relationship for 12 years. We were a good couple before I caught him having an affair.
It was way back in December 2021. He stayed in a hotel with his mistress during the super typhoon Odette, while I was waiting alone in our house, having panic attacks, thinking it would be another Yolanda in my life.
To cut the story short, I caught him, confronted him with his mistress, and he apologized and begged for a second chance. I gave him another chance, though it wasn’t his first time having an affair.
I was trying hard to be okay; I suffered from depression and anxiety. I couldn’t sleep until 4 a.m., woke up at 6 a.m., went to work, and stayed awake again for almost 3 months.
I stayed with him, and he was helping me all throughout, though sometimes he would ask me why I was crying when he had already said sorry, stayed with me, and left his mistress.
A few weeks after the incident, in mid-January, I opened his account and saw his conversation with my MIL. I was about to ignore it when suddenly she said to him, ‘Don’t be overly concerned and sorry for your wife because you wouldn’t look for another woman if she was enough for you.
She lacked many things, and that’s why you did that.’
After reading that, I blocked his family on my social media and everything. I didn’t bother to visit them since then until now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Leave. Leave and never come back. If this is a repeated pattern, then he obviously is not as remorseful as he claimed. Also, his ‘I said sorry and broke up with the mistress, why didn’t that fix everything?’ attitude is pitiful.
His mother’s comments make it seem like this is a learned behavior, but that is not your problem. And I doubt either of them would be so understanding if you decided to take a lover.
You deserve love. You deserve happiness. You deserve to wake up every day feeling good about yourself, your life, and your relationships. If anything, it sounds like he is not enough for you.
And I hope you do everything in your power to rectify that situation for yourself. Because you deserve more.” TheGrimReader1888
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are deflecting your justified hurt and anger about your husband’s infidelity, deception, lack of concern for your feelings, and selfish view of the obligations and benefits of marriage AWAY from him and onto his mom. I don’t know how you can describe a marriage in which he’s repeatedly had an affair and lied as ‘mostly good.’ It’s like moldy bread.
By the time the affair surfaces, the rot’s been well rooted.” curious382
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yet another case where the husband is having an affair and society blames the girl for not being enough. You would be the jerk if you stayed with him anymore. Men who are unfaithful are just crappy and jerks. Even if such men have everything they still want to do such things and then their mama comes to the rescue.
When are such moms going to make their children accountable for their actions?!
Well, do ask his parents: what’s the mistress giving him except sleeping with him? Showing that it’s ok to be a part of a relationship where you can wreck homes? And what’s the husband teaching that it’s normal to wreck a 12-year-old relationship for a side chick? This family doesn’t deserve you.” AncientTransition528
11. AITJ For Not Liking My Mother-In-Law's Influence On My Kids?
“I (F36) married with 2 kids (F8) (M5) and have lived with my mom (F73) since 5 years ago. She didn’t want to live alone and for financial reasons. These past 5 years have been awful. My mom doesn’t like my husband (M41) and she lets him know. She’d make dismissive comments, cook for everyone and leave nothing for him, badmouth him with neighbors and family…The relationship between my husband and myself is not perfect at all, but when it comes to my mom, he is polite and doesn’t pay attention to the things she does.
He says we should honor our parents no matter what.
My mom is not great with the kids either; my husband and I work full-time, so she stays home with them. I know she’s no longer 20; I’ve offered her multiple times to hire someone to help her out with the kids, someone who would also clean, but she refuses. She doesn’t trust anyone. She asked me to pay her to babysit instead of hiring someone, so that’s what I did.
But she is not attentive to the kids; last month alone, she made them skip three meals because she ‘didn’t think they were hungry’. I arrived home after work, and the kids hadn’t had lunch. I’m not a patient person. We always fight about those issues; we yell at each other, and my husband mediates.
Things got worse two years ago when my husband and I converted to a faith different from hers.
My mom’s very religious; she thinks she’s the only one who holds the truth. When I’m home, she plays videos at a very high volume with sermons she thinks apply to me. She believes I’ll change my ‘erroneous ways’ if I hear a religious old man screaming on YouTube. I asked her, though, multiple times, not to talk about religion to the kids; I want them to make their own choice when they grow up.
The conflict started because I found out through my daughter that she’d been indoctrinating the kids into her religion for months. She told my 8-year-old daughter that I had a demon in me and that I couldn’t be trusted. My daughter told me that my mom prays for them to be punished by God because punishment means love and that my daughter should not tell me any of this because I’d kick my mom out of the house.
She told my 8-year-old that if I did kick her out, it would be her fault. My daughter was conflicted; she loves her grandma, but she also loves me, and she didn’t understand what was happening.
When I found out two weeks ago, I lost it. I called my husband, and he was furious too. It was the first time I saw him that angry at her.
We talked calmly to her, though, and asked her to leave. I told her to ask her church for a housing solution because I didn’t want her in my home.
But now that the anger has passed, I feel horrible; she’s 73 after all, and it feels like I’m abandoning her during her old days when she needs me the most. She does not have any source of income; I pay for everything she needs.
But she’s still convinced that she’s right, that I have demons, and that she did the right thing. She’s leaving next week—God knows where—and I feel like a piece of work. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Wow. This woman did not respect your husband. She did not respect your wishes for how you wanted to raise your children. She did not respect your children’s health and well-being.
She did not respect the agreement that you made when you employed her as a caregiver. She did not respect your choice to live your life the way you chose. She did not respect the relationship you have with your children. And she tried to manipulate your children to use them against you. Holy crap, that is a venomous, toxic presence that you absolutely do not need in your life, let alone your household!
This woman should have been grateful that you were giving her a place to stay; that was not your obligation. Instead, she disrespected every facet of your life and seemed to go out of her way to make your life miserable. Screw that noise! Cast aside those doubts; you absolutely did the right thing!” CaspianX2
Another User Comments:
“Hon, your mom should have been removed the first time she didn’t feed your kids.
You let this situation go on where she repeated that behavior multiple times and then were surprised when she started attempting active parental alienation?
Everyone sucks here. Your mom sucks FAR more, but you and your husband are bad at drawing boundaries and protecting your kids. One strike when it comes to starving your children should have been more than enough here.
Get this woman out of your house and your life.
And definitely off your balance sheet.” imothro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ yet, but you would be if you let that toxic woman keep spraying her poison on your children, your husband, and on you. If you don’t have information on her relocation plans, she most likely isn’t making any and you may have to evict her. Hopefully, her church has some sort of retirement home she can move to.
Make sure your daughter gets any therapy she may need and meditate on the saying ‘No good deed goes unpunished.’ You and your husband took a snake into your bosom and let her stay far too long.” NanaLeonie
10. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Put His Clothes In The Hamper Properly?
“My husband (31M) and I (32F) were talking about this last night as I had a load of laundry going in the dryer when he got home from work.
He thinks I’m wrong for not doing his laundry that he leaves on the floor.
I started doing his laundry three years ago when we bought our house. Before that, we rented a place and did our own laundry. Because he wanted his clothes washed a certain way. But when we bought our house, he asked if I could just wash his clothes with mine, and I agreed.
At some point, he started to just wear his boxers to bed and throw the rest of his clothes on the floor. When I noticed that he would just throw his clothes on the floor next to his side of the bed, I asked him to start putting his clothes in the laundry hamper in the master bathroom. He complained that it was too far and that he just takes his clothes off when he’s getting into bed. So I bought him a hamper and put it right next to his side of the bed. I thought it was solved.
It turned out I was wrong. He just throws his dirty clothes around the hamper instead of putting them in it. I asked him to start putting his clothes in the hamper next to his side of our bed, and he complained that it was too dark to see. But he doesn’t have a problem placing his phone on his nightstand. I told him I wouldn’t wash his clothes if they were on the floor.
Only if they are in the hamper.
So he started putting his clothes in the hamper for a couple of weeks. Then stopped. So I stopped washing the clothes that he leaves on the side of the bed (only washing what made it into the hamper). Then he got mad at me for not washing his clothes and asked me to start washing them again.
I told him I would wash them if he put them in the hamper. I feel like this is a simple request. I’m doing him a favor by washing his clothes. Even if he doesn’t put them in the hamper right after he takes his clothes off, he could put them in the hamper in the morning when he wakes up. Or before he leaves our room each day.
I do wash whatever he puts in the bathroom hamper. He doesn’t have a problem putting stuff in there, but it’s usually only a few items. We both have full-time jobs. I work remotely from home. I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Bills are split 60 (him)/40 (me). He makes more and wants me to be able to save funds for a rainy day, so he agreed to pay more bills.
No kids yet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a battle of the wills, but honestly, I’d fight this battle also. You’ve made the process as simple as possible for him. He even used the hamper for a few weeks! He can do it, he’s opting not to. Some might question if his putting his clothes in the hamper is a hill to die on, which seems trivial, but is your husband’s desire to throw his clothes on the floor really a worthwhile hill to die on?
Because to me, ‘I will leave my clothes next to the hamper and expect someone else to pick them up!’ is a really weird hill to die on.” CemeteryDweller7719
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you are totally in the right on this. However, I don’t really see this as a hill to die on. It takes zero seconds for him to just be kind and put his clothes in the hamper instead of dropping them on the floor.
It takes three seconds for you to scoop them off the floor drop them in the hamper and head on to the washing machine.
Either way, it’s him being disrespectful first and you being disrespectful second. Honestly, you should never have to get to that point, but this isn’t really a hill to die on because of how little is involved.” NailFin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘We both have full-time jobs. I work remotely from home. I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning. Bills are split 60 (him)/40 (me). He makes more funds.’
He should be paying more because he has a higher-paying job. Unless he’s working a lot more hours or has some other physical limitations, he should be doing half of the household chores.
Throwing his clothes on the floor and getting mad at you about it is a symptom of disrespect and the feeling that he is entitled to be coddled at home while you do all the work.
He works a job and gets to come home and relax, including making more of a mess for you.
You finish work and not only have to do the majority of household chores, but he is also demanding you have to do MORE work because he can’t even put clothes in the hamper.” Kettlewise
9. AITJ For Not Lending My Friend Funds To Help Someone Else?
“This friend is one of those that has been a good friend, but frankly the last few times they’ve bothered to talk to me has been to ask for favors from other people.
Now I consider myself philanthropic to an extent because I have a job that makes me enough funds to do so, but for some reason this time just felt like the straw. I’ve made it clear in the past that I don’t like being messaged out of the blue just for favors. She wanted to borrow funds from me to help another friend (I don’t know them) pay for their groceries, which I’m sympathetic to but I was incredibly annoyed that the friend who only asks me for favors wants me to lend HER funds because SHE offered to help them pay when she couldn’t do so herself.
I ended up doing so, but she was inadvertently shaming me into doing so by saying, ‘You can afford this and that, but not to help them out?’ and I feel like a jerk for sounding like an ‘It’s not my problem’ kind of person, but at the same time, isn’t it rude to offer someone funds when you don’t have it and try and borrow it from someone else?
I feel like her making this person’s problem my problem, expecting me to help out, and getting upset when I didn’t want to, was very rude. I’m not the kind of person who thinks, ‘Tough luck, I shoulda had a better life; I don’t want my tax dollars going to no poor people’, and if I were in the same position, I’d hope someone could help me out too, but if you can’t afford to help them out already, why would you burden someone uninvolved?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, NTJ. Dump this ‘friend’ immediately. They obviously only see you as a tool to be used since I doubt they are telling the other people that YOU are actually the one helping.
It sounds like they want to be Mother Teresa for other people but either aren’t well off enough to do so or don’t want to pay themselves, but they also don’t want to come off as cheap by refusing.
It’s mooching under the guise of charity, basically, and then they guilt you into believing you have done something wrong if you refuse.
I’d stop having contact with this ‘friend’ at once, or it will only get worse from here. Yes, you have funds, but it is YOUR funds to spend on you and the people you love and care about. Not people in her life that you’ve never even met.
You’re supposed to be a friend, not her personal ATM.
(P.S. Not that it’s a requirement, but if you still wanted to be charitable, you could research some actual charities that you might be interested in, like local shelters or underprivileged organizations in your area. You would still get to help those in need without some ‘friend’ guilting you about it all the time.)” TheGrimReader1888
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend may have a generous heart, but she has no right to volunteer anyone else to pay for someone’s groceries. And yes, it is normal to feel frustrated when the only time you hear from someone is when they want something from you. That isn’t really a friendship.
If you are able to, donate to a charity of your choice or a local food bank.
When she asks again, tell her you have taken her advice and now donate directly to charities of your choosing. You wish her luck in finding someone to help her out, but you aren’t able to do it anymore.” HistoricalHat3054
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously. But you made a mistake by giving in to your friend‘s demand.
Now, her friend seems to be in deep trouble; not being able to afford one’s groceries is a serious situation.
You should have offered to help this person together: sit down with them and talk about what’s going on. Whether there’s something you could do in order to remedy the situation. And you could have offered some funds directly to this person in need. If your friend had rejected this offer, then it would be pretty clear that her intention was not to help but to appear generous, although she couldn’t afford it herself.
Reconsider this ‘friendship’.” Billly_no_kid
8. WIBTJ If I Tell My Sister I Won't Be Able To Help Take Care Of Our Mom?
“10 years ago, my sister (44F) chose to leave her career and move in with my mother, who suffers from dementia. Now, mom’s disease has progressed until she cannot remember things from one moment to the next, cannot control her bladder or bowels, cannot remember how to bathe or dress, and can be highly combative, not unlike a very stubborn adult-sized toddler.
Her type of dementia also gives her hallucinations and sleep disturbances, making her care a 24/7 requirement. My sister attempts to manage Mom’s care all on her own, and this has seriously impacted her own health.
I (48F) live three hours away with my partner and am disabled, having both physical and emotional issues. I have spoken with my sister multiple times about placing Mom in a memory care facility, which would take on Mom’s care in three shifts by multiple people, ultimately giving her better care overall.
However, my sister has resisted this idea vehemently, and since she has POA on my mother, the final say is hers.
The reasons behind her resistance are partially emotional, in that she claims to still occasionally see glimpses of our mom once in a while and doesn’t want to give those up. The other part of her resistance is financial. She lives in my mother’s house, with my mother’s income paying all of the bills and providing her with spending funds.
That income, and likely the house, would be forfeited to pay for my mother’s long-term care, meaning that she would have to scramble to find work and a place to live.
Now, my sister has a partner that she rarely gets to spend time with. She has asked me to come to Mom’s house to take care of Mom while she and her partner take a short vacation.
I totally understand her need for time away, as she is totally exhausted and the situation is overwhelming. However, while she is willing to put a band-aid on the issue by taking some time away and asking for me to give her relief, she is unwilling to address the long-term problem by moving toward a more permanent solution.
In addition, my distance and physical disabilities make caring for my mother extremely difficult for me.
I am unwilling to help her in the short term if she is unwilling to consider finding a real solution. If I agree to help her now, she will continue to come to me for short-term fixes without addressing the bigger issue.
So… WIBTJ if I tell my sister that I will not be able to help her with my mom when she refuses to work on a real solution?”
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ: Your sister has decided, unilaterally, that this is the way she wants to do things. She can’t suddenly complain now that she has to deal with the problems that the decision brings with it. And your being disabled makes her request even more absurd. If she wants to have the freedom to see her guy when she wants, she can get a job, get her own place, and her mom into a care facility.
It’s not fair for her to rope you into the responsibility for her own choices.” CaspianX2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
There comes a time when being sentimental is a detriment. Your mother is definitely at the point where she needs professional care 24/7. Your sister tried to do it alone but couldn’t. The two of you can do more together, but still not to the degree that your mother needs.
There are legal things you can do to force the issue, but I guarantee y’all won’t have the same level of relationship ever again.
Just bring it to her that your mother deserves the care she needs, and her selfishly denying your mother this care for her own sentimental reasons only hurts everyone involved.” Tall-Measurement3795
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are totally entitled to set your own boundaries about what you can’t and don’t want to do for your mother’s care.
Whilst I do not envy your sister at all and she has an impossibly difficult job, at the end of the day she chose it, and that doesn’t force you to choose it too.
I think your idea sounds perfectly sensible, and you’ve explained it well: your sister is looking for a quick fix for a problem that she needs to think about the longer term.
Maybe she feels guilty and doesn’t want to face that reality, so you can definitely help her there with some supportive chats, but it’s fine for you to not agree to help physically.” Original-Winter9334
7. AITJ For Telling My Roommate Her Being Overweight Is Not My Problem?
“I (23f) have been living with my roommate (24f) together for a year and a half. She is an overweight person, which never bothered me whatsoever, and I’m also not a thin person, but I’m just a little above average for my height and age.
For the last couple of months, my roommate, who was always chill about her weight and appearance, became literally OBSESSED with some crazy internet diets, to the point where she could go for 3 days on 3 apples and lemon water.
I tried talking to her about going to an actual doctor who could prescribe her a HEALTHY diet that would actually help her lose weight and not ruin her body, and she always agreed with me but never went to a doctor. Okay. I’m not her mother to tell her what to do, so I dropped the topic. But for the last couple of weeks, being home was a nightmare.
She became aggressive and started blaming me for the fact that she always fails to follow her diets because I ‘cook delicious meals that smell so good that she can’t help but feel hungry just from the smell’. And I do cook delicious meals for myself. Because I like to cook and I like to eat. And I am NOT on a diet. Okay.
I tried to eat more often in cafes and restaurants not to bother her with all the smells from my cooking, but as a student, I don’t have much to eat in restaurants every day, so eventually, I still cooked for myself at home. I also tried cooking and eating when she’s not around, but it’s hard to do because we are usually both home at the same time.
Last night was the last straw. I made myself a traditional dish of my country that I felt very proud of because it was the first time when I managed to cook it the way my mother always did, and it made me a little homesick when I ate it. When my roommate stormed into the apartment, she was already furious. She threw a tantrum about her smelling my food all the way across the hall and saying that I’m personally the reason why she can’t lose weight.
She then took a pot that was still half full and dumped it into the sink. I was furious, and for the first time since this all began, I screamed at her and particularly said that it is not my fault that she’s overweight and that she doesn’t have enough strength to lose weight if she wants to do so this much.
She was very offended by that and hasn’t spoken to me since.
I don’t know what to think and what to do. We were good friends until it all happened, and now I feel like I said some messed up thing and made her even more insecure than she already is… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, your roommate’s personal weight loss goals are none of your business; likewise, your cooking is none of hers.
It’s not your fault that she’s exercising minimal willpower; she’s the only person responsible for her actions and how she reacts to the stimuli around her.
Odds are the lack of food is making her angrier in addition, so when she goes on her internet-fad diets, she’s just making herself more irate, and you exist as a target for her irritation.
Also, what kind of literal child goes out of their way to dump someone else’s food that they made for themselves down the drain because they don’t want to eat any?” Baileythenerd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did not mess up. Yelling at her, if it caused her to back off and go silent, wasn’t the worst idea. She’s become completely unhinged—yelling at you, sulking when you cook, and throwing out your food are all absolutely unacceptable.
I would let go of any hopes for holding on to this friendship; she’s having some sort of crisis that isn’t your fault.
If you live in a dorm or in a student apartment that offers roommate matching, meet with your manager and request a room transfer. Document all of the negative interactions and bring the log with you.
If you live in a non-student apartment, you may be in a tougher spot. Let her know that if she yells, assaults you, or destroys any of your food or belongings, you’ll call 911.
And then do it. It’s a good sign that she backed off when you yelled at her—don’t be shy about doing it again.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“You already know this, but NTJ. She’s short-tempered because she’s doing extreme fad diets and they aren’t working for her, and she’s hungry all the time. She’s creating her own attitude, and you tried to accommodate her by tiptoeing around her.
Then she has the audacity to barge into the kitchen and throw your food away because it smells good. Nuh-uh. She is paying for the food she wasted, and you are going to whoever manages your living situation or a trusted rep at the school to document the incident. (Email is good as it leaves a paper trail. Mention everything that’s happened up to now and the encounter where she threw your food away.) You don’t want any action taken yet; just make a paper trail, so if the opportunity arises where you can move to a different room or living space, you can make that request.
On top of that, starving yourself is the worst way to diet. Cutting down portion sizes slightly, having fewer snacks during the day, going out, and exercising more (even if it’s just walking for an extra 10 minutes a day) will see greater results for longer than starving yourself for a month and bingeing for a week.” ConfusionPossible590
6. AITJ For Suggesting My Wife Gives Up The Dog So We Can Move Into My Parents' Place?
“My (32) and wife (27) live in a small apartment (no pet policy apartment). We have a good 10k in debt and are expecting a baby.
My wife moved here from Argentina to be with me. She has no family or friends here and really misses her elderly mother. She also suffers from severe anxiety.
She loves animals, and for the holidays we fostered a shelter dog temporarily, but we ended up with the most perfect little guy ever.
He is perfect, doesn’t bark, is a couch potato, and has been an AMAZING emotional support animal for her. We ended up adopting him even though we aren’t allowed to have pets because how could I resist the happiness on her face when she was with him? It’s like he’s a legit therapy dog for her. Her mental health has gotten a lot better since he has been with us.
Not only does the no-pet policy make me nervous, but our situation has also changed, and now that she is pregnant with our first child, my parents have offered for us to move back in so we can focus on paying off our debt and saving for a home. However, my parents have a strictly no-pet home. Mom has severe pet allergies, and culturally, they would never have any indoor pets.
My wife mentions that she wishes my parents would change their minds, and she even said she would be willing to leave her dog outside. I said I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that because it’s kind of cruel to take a little guy who lives a comfy life and make him live outside and be sad.
And don’t get me wrong, I love our dog and cuddle with him too; I just have different priorities, so I mentioned to her that maybe we should try and rehome him instead, and she got so upset, saying we don’t rehome family members.
She gave me the cold shoulder for a few days after suggesting it.
I really don’t know what I should prioritize or what is best for our little family long-term.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ—you knew you lived somewhere that didn’t allow pets yet you chose to take on one anyway. This dog is now part of your family; you can’t just turf him out because he suddenly becomes a bit inconvenient.
You were in this situation before you decided to procreate, so you can’t blame doggo that things are now more complicated. He didn’t choose to add another mouth and financial burden to the household, you did.
It sounds like your wife needs this doggo, especially after giving up everything else to be with you. Taking away her one reliable comfort would make you very much the jerk in my book.” Spineberry
Another User Comments:
“Slight YTJ. I would absolutely leave and go back to my country if my husband wanted to make me give up my dog. I understand the bond she has with that dog and I can promise she will never forgive you if you make her do this, even if she ends up agreeing. Although I do agree with you that forcing him to live outside when he’s been an indoor dog is not the best solution.
I can see it’s a tough situation but being in a country that’s not yours is really hard and you want her to give up what’s made her feel happier and at home.
To her that dog IS family, and you don’t leave family behind.” Annii84
Another User Comments:
“YTJ/Everyone sucks here.
Both of you suck for fostering a dog when your building has a no-pet policy, but even suggesting taking away the one emotional support your immigrant wife has in a foreign country when she’s already expressed feeling alone, sad, scared, alienated, etc. is absolutely a no-no.
I get that babies aren’t always planned and not everyone can terminate an inconveniently timed pregnancy, but you two need to get yourselves together and start making better decisions as soon as possible.” sp4nkthru
5. AITJ For Not Welcoming My In-Laws To My House Ever Again?
“MIL and SIL with her 7 and 5-year-olds are here to ‘visit us’ to see the baby for a week, and they’ve literally hardly even seen or visited with her or helped with anything at all other than by dropping off the useless old baby junk that they don’t want anymore.
A few months before I gave birth, my SIL informed me (that’s right, INFORMED, not ASK) she would be coming here in January and staying at a hotel with her kids and my MIL so they could meet the baby.
I was due on 12/24 and told them N-O. January was far too soon to be visiting, and the baby would be too young and fragile.
Fast forward to now; they’re here. SIL says the hotel was too expensive; they didn’t know where they would stay. So silly me offered them room and board in our 900-square-foot, 2-bedroom apartment. They are literally camped out in my living room, and my place is trashed. Every single day they’ve gone out on trips and visits to their other relatives and have probably spent a total of maybe 4 whole hours with my baby for the last 5 days.
I’m up every night with my sweet girl as we co-sleep; she still nurses throughout the night, but still, I’m up at 7 a.m. cooking breakfast upon request of my SIL her kids, and my MIL. And like, I get it. She’s going through a divorce and is practically a single mother, but tonight has me fuming as I get home from work to find her literally dumping her children on my husband and me so she can go out drinking with her friends.
And my MIL too, is nowhere to be found. She’s been chasing down an old love interest ever since she’s been in town and has made everyone bend to her needs.
I’m here cooking and cleaning up after putting her children and my 3-month-old to bed after working full time and taking two accelerated classes right now. I’m not here for this nonsense.
They will never stay with us and take advantage of me like this again. I’m so mad. And I left my stroller at work, so I had to leave my husband with the baby for a little over an hour while I retrieved it. I take the baby with me as I’m a caregiver for my grandmother. And I came to find out he let the baby cry while I was gone.
Sometimes I feel like he puts no effort into soothing her while I’m not around. I feel like a failure for not putting my foot down, but I know if I even attempt to say anything, it’ll be the wrong thing, and I’ll blow up and be the bad guy.
My husband had been totally clueless about my struggle, and I’m really struggling.
I’m so mad! I feel degraded, taken advantage of, disrespected, and betrayed by my supposed family. They weren’t even here to see us; they just wanted a bed to sleep on.
Am I the jerk for never wanting to see them again?”
Another User Comments:
“The reason you feel degraded, taken advantage of, and betrayed by your family is that you’re being degraded, taken advantage of, and betrayed by your family.
They’ve been awful, and just to balance the bad guys of the universe, it’s your turn. Kick them out.
Tell them that, unfortunately, the stress of cooking their meals at 7 a.m. and being a hostess and babysitting little children is too much for you, or it affects your milk supply adversely, or anything you want to say.
Then suggest a nearby Airbnb or a return to the hotel, which, with all the free lodging they’ve gotten so far, should average out to a reasonable price.
Tell them that they need to leave tomorrow.
Who cares what these exploitive, self-centered relatives think about a woman establishing a clear boundary made necessary by their bad behavior?
And if hubby doesn’t like this, too bad. If he were listening to you and hearing what you’re saying, he wouldn’t be clueless.
NTJ” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re being trampled by the elephants in this three-ring circus, and that hurts.
Boundaries are a good thing, and you need to set some and stick to them. Talk to hubby first, to see if you can get him to see where you are, but if not (he may be used to being run over by his mother and sister), you may need to act on your own for now.
Family is important, but so are your mental health and well-being.
Set a time limit for the in-laws. If their visit is open-ended, close the door. You don’t have to make an excuse, you can just say that there are too many people in too small a space, and you need to be able to concentrate on your child, your job, and your classes, and it has been lovely to see them (okay, so that part is a lie).
Once the circus has moved on to the next town, talk to hubby about what you both want for the baby and how to do that together and separately. He may not understand what the problem is, and you may have to tell him out loud, very explicitly, rather than expecting him to know what you want. Hopefully, that will mean getting more sleep, because being sleep-deprived makes everything about 100 times worse.
Good luck, OP.” NotWithoutHopeYet
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think you’re a jerk for it. You’re right you feel how you do. They’re your in-laws, not anyone necessarily special. They haven’t done anything for you (I assume) so you’re not obligated to do anything for them unless you choose to do so. Personally, I say screw them too. Screw your husband too. Parenting is a 2 person ordeal. If he’s slacking now it’ll only get worse unless you do something about it now.
Don’t let the pent-up frustration be bottled up and boiled over. By then it’ll be too late to fix anything. Speak your mind before you can’t.” DoubleODaveee
4. AITJ For Not Wanting To See My Transphobic Dad?
“I’m trans, my dad hates trans people… something about Jesus hating humanists I didn’t really understand.
My brother is supportive, and he invited me to Easter. I was gonna say yes, but he told me our dad was going too. I told him I don’t want to go then, and he went off on me about how I am leaving my family because my dad is transphobic and how it isn’t fair to him that he doesn’t get to have me around because of my fight with my dad… and I want to agree with him, that is unfair.
He’s my brother and my best friend, he is supportive of me being trans (he even jokes, ‘When I said you were a girl when we were growing up, I was right!’).
The point is, my brother is awesome, and I told him I didn’t want to see him because I don’t like being near Dad, and it hurt his feelings.
Anyway, am I the jerk for hurting my brother’s feelings like that? Or is it because he knew I didn’t get along with our dad and invited both of us?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; your dad created this difficult situation by being hateful. Rather than seeing it that way and recognizing this isn’t a ‘fight’ but a fundamental problem that makes your dad unsafe for you to be around, your brother is blaming you for this rift. That’s not awesome behavior; that’s victim blaming at best and camouflaged transphobia at worst.
I’d recommend talking to your brother more and getting to the root of how he sees what’s going on, i.e., does he think it’s your fault for being trans and not closeting yourself around dad, or because of how your dad’s hatefulness impacts you?
Good luck; this is truly an awful situation for you to be in, and I hope your brother sees how he’s making it worse.” QueenYeen
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I think your brother is oblivious to what may happen if you share a room with your transphobic father. From what I understood, he wants to have a happy fairytale family day. It is valid for him to want to see his family together, but he must also understand what that would mean for you and the rest of the guests.
I’d suggest you have a talk with him and explain all of the above and how this might affect everyone involved, and teach him (with love, people don’t learn or listen when they feel attacked) about being an ally. He seems really willing to learn, but it seems like he needs your help.” yeiiid
Another User Comments:
“While your brother is correct that it is unfair, it isn’t you that is making it so.
Let’s look at this through a slightly different lens. Let’s say for a moment that you were biologically born as your brother’s sister (I’m not sure how to say this in a way that is correct. You are your brother’s sister and always have been, but your biological body got it wrong). If your brother invited you and your father to his party and you showed up in a frilly dress, nothing would be amiss.
You wouldn’t be seen as doing anything wrong, and your father wouldn’t say anything about it.
This is how it should be now. As a woman, showing up anywhere and looking nice in a dress shouldn’t be seen as you pushing an agenda or anything other than you showing up. It isn’t you making others think or act in any way differently. Your father chooses to act like a 5-year-old because he doesn’t like something.
HE throws a tantrum. Wearing clothes does not cause anyone to do anything.
Your brother sounds like an okay guy, but he is placing the blame in the wrong place. He wants you to change because you are a more reasonable person and are more likely to have empathy. While this is the common way things are done, it is completely the wrong way for them to be corrected. It’s conflict avoidance and will only hide the problem, not fix it.
NTJ.” BoredNumb
Get a thicker skin and deal with it. Parents and kids have had huge issues with every generation. When I was young girls were kicked out and disowned for getting pregnant out of wedlock. Sometimes they were sent to halfway houses for unwed mothers.
You don't cut out the rest of your family because of it.
Be who you are and go where you want, just learn to walk away. You're hurting yourself and the rest of your family that don't care if you're Trans or not.
3. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Apologize To Our Other Sister Because She's In The Wrong This Time?
“My oldest sister has custody of and takes care of me and my other sister.
She’s had custody of us since I was 11. My oldest sister does everything for us, everything our parents should be doing but don’t… her and her fiancé. It’s been that way since before she even got legal custody of us. She and her fiancé have been together since they were my age, so I’ve basically been raised by them mostly my whole life, and so has my 17-year-old sister, whom I will call ‘Lilly’.
Because of this, I am very grateful to them. Lilly, however, treats them badly.
My oldest sister is an ultrasound tech at a hospital and usually works a lot of hours, and her fiancé works in IT, so he gets home before her. Yesterday my brother-in-law got home, and the kitchen was a mess, and it seemed like every dish was dirty after Lilly had cooked in it, and she was upstairs in her room on her phone.
My BIL came in and saw and asked if it was me or Lilly who had dirtied the kitchen. I told him who, and then he went upstairs and knocked on Lilly’s door to remind her to tidy up the kitchen when she was done.
My BIL never really tells us what to do; he usually leaves it to our sister because I feel like he feels like it’s not his place, and he’s just very non-confrontational. Afterward, I went to practice, and my BIL took the dogs out on a run.
I came back home about 3 hours later, and my older sister got home around the same time. When we walked into the house, we saw my BIL cleaning the pile of dishes that had seemingly been there since Lilly left them.
My older sister went on to ask him what happened to the kitchen, and he told her. So she went upstairs and told Lilly that it was her responsibility to clean up after the messes she made.
Lilly went completely crazy, calling my sister and BIL names, cursing at them, telling them they couldn’t tell her what to do, and throwing things, and it ultimately ended with my oldest sister so mad that she said, ‘Fine since you’re so okay with speaking to us that way, you can buy your own prom dress and fund your own prom ticket.’
This morning I told Lilly that she was completely in the wrong and that she should apologize to our sister and BIL because they do a lot for us.
Lilly told me I was being a jerk and that I should be on her side because our sister is leaving her out to dry on prom things. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’ve done nothing wrong. Your oldest sister sounds brilliant, as does her fiancé. Lilly… yea she’s acting up and it’s not ok. But I kind of get it, to be honest; she’s got someone 7 years older than her parenting her because her own parents are not that responsible in being parents to her.
I sympathize with her there.” happybanana134
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Lilly is experiencing what we in the adult world like to call ‘consequences’ and she’s not mature enough to accept that she made her bed and now has to lie in it. Prom, especially the whole glitzy prom experience, is not an entitlement; it is a privilege, and if your sister can’t grasp that she bit the hand that feeds her, she doesn’t deserve those things until she can prove it.
If she wants to act like a grown independent adult who doesn’t have to do what she’s asked to do as a basic courtesy, given that she was the one who made the mess, then she has to accept that people aren’t going to be particularly charitable with her.” MundanePlanet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your sister is old enough to pick up after herself and she’s old enough to understand that her behavior wouldn’t be tolerated. Lily’s behavior is what caused her to miss prom stuff.
She can get a job if she wants to go. She’s old enough to take full responsibility for herself and her actions. You are NTJ for not siding with her.” CODE_NAME_DUCKY
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. At all. Your sister is very lucky to have supportive people to take care of her and love her. There are emotional attachment styles, and your sister feels safe enough to behave this way, which again is fortunate, but you can’t fault her.
This is typical teenage behavior and consequences.” whiskeybusinesses808
2. AITJ For Adoring A Couple's Dog But Not Saying Anything About Their Baby?
“Yesterday, when I (24F) went for a morning jog in the park, I saw a couple walking one of the most adorable puppies I have ever seen in my life!
The puppy locked eyes with me, and that was it—wagging her tail, tongue out, smiling, trying to pull the husband in my direction. I paused my jog and ran over to ask if I could say hello, and they said, of course, the puppy wouldn’t have allowed me not to.
I love dogs, so I was in heaven. I spent several minutes on the ground with her, getting all kinds of love and affection and asking her owners her name, how old she was, etc. She also happened to be the same breed as the dog I grew up with who passed away a few weeks ago, a golden retriever who was my best friend, so this was especially comforting for me.
A few minutes into talking (to clarify: about two minutes, and I was probably with them for about 4 total: 2 with the dog, 2 with the wife being mad, and the husband getting her to leave), I noticed the wife starting to look irritated. At first, I figured I might’ve overstayed my welcome, so I decided to back off. I got up and said something like, ‘I’ll let you get back to your walk now, but thank you so much; that was the highlight of my day!’
As the husband was saying goodbye to me, the wife interrupted him and said, ‘Really?’ I was pretty confused, so I asked her if something was wrong. See, the couple also had a baby with them, a little girl sleeping in a stroller. I’m bad with ages, but if I had to guess, she was probably around a month-ish old. The wife said I was ‘beyond rude’ for spending all this time ‘cooing over the dog’ but not saying anything about her newborn.
I have absolutely nothing against babies or children in the slightest, including this woman’s daughter. I see them as other human beings just like me. But I won’t lie—babies and kids have never elicited the same… instant warm feelings? that dogs and all animals do for me. This is to say, I’ve never really been the type to coo at babies.
I don’t hate or dislike them at all; I just regard them in the same way I regard all strangers, regardless of age.
Anyway, before I could get a word in, the husband began ushering her away and told me to have a good day, though I could still hear her muttering things about me under her breath as they left. I didn’t mean to be rude, but I’m wondering now if I actually was.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. LOL, what? That woman is nuts. Why would she expect you to coo over her baby? Not everyone loves babies, and this baby was literally asleep. I probably wouldn’t have really noticed the kid either in your situation. The puppy was actually awake and engaging with you and was clearly enjoying the attention, whereas the baby wasn’t even doing anything to pull your attention away from the adorable puppy.
Even if the baby had been awake, there’s no reason why she should have expected you to acknowledge the baby when the puppy was clearly taking up all of your attention. I honestly feel bad for the husband in this situation; she made a perfectly normal interaction extremely awkward, and he was clearly embarrassed by her behavior.” Artillery_Cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You don’t OWE a stranger compliments about their baby just because they had one.
‘Ok, you said something nice about my dog; now say something nice about my baby. Now say something nice about my outfit. What about my wedding ring?’ Jesus Christ. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she could be going through some postpartum issues, and that might explain (but NOT excuse) her behavior. It sounds like the husband was pretty embarrassed, so maybe she’s just normally obnoxious.” the_crystal_onix
Another User Comments:
“Yes, that is kind of a jerk move. Obviously, these people love their pet, but if they have an infant, this is the biggest deal in their life. So you ignoring the baby and cooing at the dog was an insult to someone going through postpartum adjustments.
Though I can understand your interest in the animal, the polite thing would be to look at the sleeping infant and say something like, ‘You are overly blessed, aren’t you?’ You can’t and should not reach into the baby, but saying cute things like asking the puppy how he likes the new baby, ‘Aren’t you an excited pup?’ or some silliness like this would have cleared the way to love on the dog and include the baby.
You are an adult; just be more empathetic and aware.” Initial_Cat_47
I think the husband is dealing with the wife's postpartum issues and didn't take offense, and the wife should be given a pass because of said postpartum issues. You are not at fault here.
1. AITJ For Not Inviting A Friend Because We're Eating At A Barbeque Place?
“I (22F) hosted a dinner for my birthday last weekend. My favorite food in the entire world is steak. I love it. I booked in a reservation at this new Wagyu KBBQ place for my dinner.
The place is new and the beef is top-notch quality, so it’s hard to get a reservation unless you book early.
One of my best friends (22F) is Hindu and doesn’t eat beef or pork. This KBBQ place literally only serves beef and pork; the only things on the menu that she would be able to eat are the sides like rice, corn, kimchi, etc.
I didn’t invite her to the dinner, and instead, we went out for Indian food the day before my birthday. When she found out she wasn’t invited the day after my birthday, she got upset. I sent her a long paragraph to say that I was sorry and that the only reason she wasn’t invited was that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything, hence why I went out with her privately the day before.
She told me that I should’ve just picked another restaurant. I think it’s a bit entitled of her to want me to change my plans for her. I’ve wanted to go to this new KBBQ place for months!
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. A birthday celebration isn’t only about the food, but much more so about the social setting and the company.
So deciding for her and not inviting her isn’t great. You could have easily told her that you really wanted to celebrate at that place and that, of course, she was invited, but you knew that it wasn’t ideal for her diet so if she wanted to you could go out to eat together the day before. That way she had the option of joining for the social aspect, and would be able to make the decision on her own.
If my best friend invited lots of people to a party on her birthday but decided not to invite me or even tell me, even if her reason made sense (I don’t love big parties), it would 100% have made me feel left out.
Her reaction of saying you could have just picked another restaurant is the reason for ‘everyone sucks here’ instead of YTJ. It might just be a gut reaction out of anger or disappointment, but either way, it is entitled.” regularhero
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You should have still invited her and let her decide if she wanted to go or not. It’s not up to her where you have your birthday dinner, but it’s a jerk move to not invite someone. You were kind enough to take her out beforehand, but you should have communicated about this when making the reservation. She may have just been fine with sides.” ratakat
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You shouldn’t make unilateral decisions on what you think is best for people; she might have been just fine eating a few sides so she can celebrate with you and be included. You should have extended an invite with a heads-up to check the menu.
Her suggestion that you change the location of your own birthday dinner is ridiculous.
I’m all for inclusion, and if this were a friend’s gathering, I would vote differently, but it’s your birthday dinner. Eat where you want.” Plumbus-Grab-816
