People Swear They’re Good People After Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories

“I (19F) just finished my freshman year of college. My grandmother (82F) is, unfortunately, in the later stages of cancer and is not expected to live much longer. We were very close when I was a child, much of which was because I am her only granddaughter, which is something she had always wished to have.

One of the ways we bonded was through my hair. I had it very long, all the way down my back, and she loved how it looked like hers did when she was a kid. I was repeatedly told my whole life, especially by my grandmother, to never cut it as it was beautiful.

I came out as a lesbian at 16 and started to take on more of a masculine appearance, and in turn, my self-confidence became a lot stronger, but it also definitely alienated me from my family. They’re not super homophobic by any means, but they’re definitely uncomfortable with the idea of me being gay, especially because I’m the only girl.

Through those last few years of high school, despite wearing masculine clothes and getting an undercut in my hair, I still kept my super long hair. My parents didn’t love this new look, but never tried to stop me.

Going to college far away from where I grew up has allowed me to embrace the look I’m going for a little more, and the obvious step for me was to cut my hair.

It was something that I had wanted to do for years, and so in April, right after I returned to campus from spring break, I had a friend of mine shave all of my hair off, knowing I wouldn’t have to face the consequences with my family for another month or so when I came home from college.

I love my shaved head. I feel so much more like myself without all that hair weighing me down, and I donated all of my hair.

I was incredibly nervous for my family to see me without my hair. I was too nervous to tell my parents, so it came as a shock to them when my dad picked me up at the airport and saw me.

His immediate concern was that this trip home could very well be the last time I see my grandmother and it would absolutely break her heart to see me without my hair. When I got home, my mom was absolutely livid. She said that it was incredibly selfish of me to do this when I knew I was going to see my grandmother who loved my hair, and that it was unfair to have her last image of her only granddaughter having, in her words, “an ugly tomboy hairdo.”

I feel absolutely awful because while I did this for me and I feel great about the haircut, it breaks my heart to think about my grandmother and what I did to her by doing this, as the first thing she always used to do when she saw me was tussle my hair and compliment it.

My parents are still very angry at me, and so are my brothers, because my grandmother is our matriarch and we are all trying to do everything we can to make her happy and comfortable at the end of her life. They are all saying that I should have at least waited for her to pass first before I cut my hair.

AITJ for not considering this when I chose to shave my head?”

Another User Comments:

“I had sort of a similar situation. When I was a teenager I had long, thick hair that I got from my dad’s side of the family. I’d blow dry it at night and then go downstairs to say goodnight to my parents and my dad would always tell me how much he loved my hair.

He would literally pet me lol. He died a month after I turned 17. At first, I really held onto my hair (for decades!) because it made me feel close to him. It was his color, his texture. I saw him in my hair. After a while, I could understand that it wasn’t my hair that he loved so much, it was seeing that bit of himself in me.

No matter what you do with your hair, your grandmother will still see that spark of herself in you because a haircut can’t take that away. Think of all the ways she’s inside you. You carry her every day. Know that.” One_Sugar_5719

Another User Comments:

“This is honestly a hard one for me. Normally I would be very much on the NTJ train with everyone else, however, I also feel like giving a huge, unwelcome, and unannounced shock to a dying woman you love is kinda harsh?

I think your parents are grieving and depending on how they acted in the past with looks “they did not love” either range from being a jerk or needing some grace in a hard circumstance. Death and funerals are hard, despite what media and society tell us should happen, hard times can create harsh words and real family deserves some leeway if they have earned it in the good times.

I am going to ultimately say no jerks here depending on the following assumptions: I am assuming you did not do this by surprise knowing your grandma was this close to the end. Even with cancer the idea that someone “might die at some point” is not enough to hold you back for all time.

I am assuming your parents have generally been supportive and this hard of a reaction is in part due to the circumstances.” Fine-Assignment4342

Another User Comments:

“I battled against my relatives for years about short hair. I’m an Afab trans guy, and back when I still identified as a girl during childhood and adolescence it was a fight to the death.

I ended it by saying “listen, if you complain again about my hair being too short for a lady, I’ll show you what “short” actually means. It’s my hair, and you get no say.” They complained again so I shaved my head. “Every time you complain, I’ll shave my head again so watch your mouth.” And I kept doing it until eventually they switched tactics – now whenever my haircut starts to grow out they say that I look good “with this haircut”.

That’s when I know it’s time to cut my hair again. NTJ. It’s your body, and your hair.” Eilmorel