People Want To Hear Some Strong Views On Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I picked up my daughter’s significant other (Ron) from his house Friday night so we could watch a Christmas movie together. My daughter (Molly) and I had already had dinner at a restaurant after Christmas shopping but he hadn’t.

So I offered to make him dinner. Ron wanted to prepare something on his own, so I told him he could use our kitchen. He’s done this before, is responsible, and uses our equipment with care. By the way, they are both 17.

We get home and he walks into the kitchen… which was a mess and that’s my fault.

I hadn’t had time to clean it up after cooking dinner the night before.

Ron says he can’t work like this and proceeds to clean up the kitchen with my daughter’s help. I left the kitchen to do something else. A few minutes later I walk into the kitchen to make tea and hear my daughter say the mess is due to my procrastination.

So I explained that I had been up since 3 am (I work the early shift) and hadn’t had time to clean the kitchen because I had other things to take care of AND I had taken her Christmas shopping after work. She asked if I was done.

I went to the living room to watch TV.

Minutes later Ron goes outside with the small compost bucket for kitchen scraps to dump in the large bin provided by the city. He walks back in complaining about the gunk stuck in the bottom which did not fall out.

It’s a mixture of coffee grounds and bacon fat so it’s hard to shake out. He tells me he’s going to hose it off outside. As he’s leaving I remember that the outdoor hose is off because it’s winter, so I yell, ‘Come back!

The hose won’t work it’s turned off!’ My daughter tells me not to yell and I tell her to tell him the hose won’t work, it’s winter.

Note: This is the second time in a week that he’s expressed disgust at our kitchen scraps bucket so I’m getting irked about it because I take it as a criticism whether he means it that way or not.

Also, the fact that his parents’ kitchen always being clean is something that he and my daughter have made a point of mentioning a few times.

Ron returns with the bucket and Molly washes it out in the sink. When she’s done washing it he comes to the living room holding the bucket explaining that he’s going to put parchment (baking paper) in the bottom to prevent the gunk from sticking to the bottom again.

I interrupt him and ask him to please not tell me about it because I’m not interested. He continues and I ask him again not to tell me, I don’t want to know. He has a puzzled expression on his face and starts again.

I tell him to stop talking about it and if he cannot stop to go home because I don’t want to hear about it. He stops and leaves the living room to join Molly in her room.

About 15 minutes later Ron says goodnight and leaves.

Molly has asked me to apologize to Ron and I’m having a hard time convincing myself I was in the wrong.”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. You offered to make him dinner. He declined and wanted to make his own. If he didn’t want to clean the kitchen to do it, he could have gone out, gone back home, or eaten a sandwich.

Great that he cleaned the kitchen, but not at the expense of guilting an exhausted soul. If it were me, I’d prefer that he not harass me, not clean the kitchen, and let me clean my own kitchen in my own time after I had a little rest. He’s not a child.

He’s a teen – almost an adult. So yes, young and dumb, but still out of line with the condescension.” yvonnics

Another User Comments:

“Everyone sucks here, I think. Good intentions on both sides: It was kind of you to offer to let him use the kitchen, and Ron wanted to show you a way to prevent a clear problem that exists in your food scraps container, easily.

You were defensive, he was overbearing.

To be honest, I identify with Ron in terms of a kitchen needing to be clean in order to be used… but it’s not his space, and he doesn’t live there, and he shouldn’t complain or mutter remarks. If your daughter wants to, as she lives there, fair game and you have your own relationship with her.

‘I interrupt him and ask him to please not tell me about it because I’m not interested.’ This was just rude, I think, when you could have simply said ‘Makes sense!’ or something equally noncommittal, but not overtly negative. Your response clearly baffled him, and he did not pick up on needing to ‘drop it’, either due to age/inexperience or trying to show he was only being helpful.

He believed he was doing a good thing, offering an easy solution to a clear problem.

I would do the same thing (to my wife) if she was letting bacon grease and coffee grinds congeal in our bin. Then again, you had already turned the other cheek and perhaps were out of good cheer… and 17-year-olds are jerks sometimes, whether they mean to be or not, let’s not kid ourselves.

Sounds like your graciousness ran out, and he was overbearing, but both of you meant well in your respective intents.” ndhl83

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. I suspect that Ron’s intentions are good and that Molly – also with good but misguided intentions – had some part in encouraging him to make these points regarding kitchen cleaning, but nonetheless, he’s gone about it in the wrong way entirely.

Making these passive-aggressive comments about how he ‘can’t work like this’ and whatever is a really poor choice when you’re hosting him at your place and essentially allowing him to have the run of the house. You don’t owe Ron an explanation as to why cleaning standards might occasionally slip at your home, and even if you did, working full-time and taking care of other family business is a perfectly valid reason.

I definitely don’t think you’re the jerk or that you in any way whatsoever owe Ron an apology, however, I do think this is something that can probably be resolved with an honest conversation. Ron is probably in actual fact a pretty cool kid with a good work ethic – cleaning up at your place was a nice thing to do, he just came across as a jerk in trying to ‘educate’ you as to how to organize your own house.

Likewise with Molly, she probably just felt a bit of that teenage social pressure to look good in front of her SO and ended up acting unappreciative as a result.

If Ron and Molly can be made to understand that they’re welcome to keep hanging out at your place as they have done, but they need to respect your hospitality and not take these passive-aggressive little jabs any time you leave a few pans out, then I’m fairly sure this will work itself out.

If not, then screw Ron, kick his butt out, and don’t feel bad about it!” BanterPhobic