People Try To Shrug Off These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
23. AITJ For Not Informing My Son's Friend's Mom About His Food Restrictions?
“My son is 12 years old and due to a medical condition, he has a lot of food restrictions. It is not a life-threatening situation but eating certain food can cause a lot of uncomfortable and inconvenient issues.
At this point in his life, he knows what he can and can’t eat and most of the time, he plans accordingly. As he’s gotten to be a preteen, he’s grown a bit embarrassed about this so he tries to be as discreet as possible because he doesn’t like when people ask questions.
I obviously try to talk him through this but I can’t snap my fingers and take away every ounce of embarrassment he feels in front of his peers. Middle school sucks.
Last week, he got invited to a birthday party. He was too embarrassed to ask his friend what food would be served and he told me not to ask his friend’s mom.
His plan was to eat before the party and pack a snack. No problem. When he got home from the party, he told me his friend’s mom kept telling him to eat the food she had made, and he made up the excuse that his stomach hurt.
Later, when she saw him eating his snack, she questioned him and he disclosed to her privately the real reason he wasn’t eating. She then apologized to him but ended it with, “I wish your mom had told me.”
The next day, I got a text from her.
She said she didn’t appreciate that I sent my son to her house with a known medical condition and food restrictions without giving her a heads-up. She said she would have accommodated for him had she known. She also said it makes her uncomfortable knowing that she wasn’t made aware of the “special needs” of a child while they were in her care.
While I appreciated her concern, I explained that my son’s condition is NOT life-threatening and now that he’s gotten older, he knows how to navigate these situations himself which is why I didn’t feel the need to tell her. She passively aggressively criticized my parenting by bringing up the “lack of responsibility” of kids his age.
Though it was through text, I felt that her tone was very judgmental. She then decided to give me “advice” by suggesting that I inform the parents at the next get-together or birthday party. I am not sure how to respond. AITJ for trusting that my son knows how to handle this on his own without telling everyone his business?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I disagree SO hard with all the YTJ replies. Your son said he didn’t want to eat. This woman insisted over and over again, violating his boundaries. If he doesn’t want to eat that is his choice. Then when she wouldn’t stop badgering, he lied and said he had a belly ache so that she would leave him alone.
What if he just didn’t like the smell of the food? Had food aversions? Was a picky eater? Would she have continued to insist? Probably. So she left it alone, and she was fine with it until she saw him eating a snack. She was offended he didn’t want to eat her food so she confronted him, and then when he told her the truth, she decided to come after you.
Look, I appreciate a child who has dietary restrictions: the parent either sends them fed or sends them with their own food to eat. You sent him fed with a snack. You respected his privacy. This is what works for YOUR family. This woman is boundary-violating and unhinged. Would she have liked to provide for him?
Maybe, but you didn’t put that responsibility on her at all. You handled it while respecting your son.” Impossible-Tutor-799
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You have determined that your son at this age is perfectly capable of watching what he eats. You respected his privacy by not telling the other parent at his request. Her complaining about not being told is nonsense.
You need to shoot back at her and say, ‘Thanks, but we have this. Mind your own children please.” Mustng1966
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son is 12 and wants the responsibility of handling his food restrictions himself. Good for him. He is old enough. You’re being a really good parent by trusting that he can handle it.
The other parent was extremely rude to contact you with the message she did. You could let her know that *your* son is very responsible for his age and you can’t comment on her son. Thank her for her “concern” and tell her your family will handle this the way you feel is appropriate for your family.” Longjumping-Lab-1916
22. AITJ For Telling My Overprotective Brother I Don't Need Him Around?
“I had a bad illness when I was younger. It still affects me to this day but I’m no longer ill and am living a very normal life. I feel like every other 18-year-old girl out there.
I have a 19-year-old brother who is very protective of me.
I faintly recall my parents always telling him that they needed to keep me safe, that I needed a protector, and that we had to do what I wanted because who knows what would happen. My brother was never resentful. In fact, he always wanted to spend time with me and sometimes I feel like he’s more concerned about me than my parents are (and ever were).
We used to be super close up until he decided to not go to college to stay with me. He wanted to go so badly and he was going into a good program with a great scholarship but our parents made him so anxious about “leaving me.” I remember hearing him cry about not knowing what to do with our mom and instead of reassuring him, she told him that doing the selfless thing is always hard and that he’ll regret leaving me if anything happens.
“But college will always be there.”
I don’t know. I remember feeling uncomfortable and suddenly, I could no longer be around my brother or my parents much. I unconsciously started being mean to my brother but he literally didn’t react which made me feel worse and now we barely talk.
My partner usually drives me home from school but he had a thing so my brother picked me up. It was awkwardly silent so I asked if he had any plans regarding post-secondary education. He kinda laughed and said, “Nah, I’m too stupid for that, you need me around.” I don’t know why this made me so angry but I told him that I really don’t need him around.
He looked surprised (which??? I’ve been ignoring his presence for months???) and asked me if I was okay. I said no I’m not okay in fact I feel like I’m suffocating because of him and I want nothing more than for him to leave me alone.
I admit it was super mean of me but it felt so relieving.
He just said something about me probably dealing with something but he flinches(?) every time he’s near me and no longer eats dinner with the family. Mom seems upset with me as well and is telling me to be nice to him.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I have a strong feeling that none of the usual answers apply here. If we’re assigning blame, I think it lays squarely with your parents here, for not fostering more independence for you both. Useful immediate advice: Talk to your brother about why you blew up at him.
He can’t really live a life in service to you, especially since you don’t need him to do that. He should be looking at living his own life. He can still be a brother to you, but you don’t need him to be a caretaker, from the sounds of it, but that’s how he sees himself.
Useful further advice: family therapy is a real thing, and would probably be very helpful for you and your brother in setting boundaries and fostering independence.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your parents are doing a big disservice to your brother, but he is trying to make the best of a tough situation.
You decided the best way to respond to this situation is to take your emotions out on him. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong. You’re an adult now, time to grow up and learn how to have adult conversations with both your brother and your parents.
And you owe your brother a massive, massive apology” AgnarCrackenhammer
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ. Your feelings are on point but you need to communicate with your brother better that you want him to go to college and you will be okay with him occasionally not being around.
Grow up people need space and it’s what you two need. There is a better way to say that than throwing pent-up anger at your parent’s decision on him and telling him to go away without explanation, this part is your YTJ. But totally No jerks here on the feeling of wanting to be independent and do things yourself your parent is real jerks here.
They bully your brother and expect him to be your servant 24/7 and from what you write it sounds like you didn’t want that for your brother either. I don’t know what is your family dynamic but the parents really need to stop thinking you are a baby and your brother is your babysitter.
The coerced decision is not choice” BlackBrantScare
21. AITJ For Wanting To Change My Name Given In Honor Of My Mom's Late Friend?
“I (18f) have been facing quite a dilemma within my family, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or if they are. My mother named me after her best friend who tragically passed away before I was born. This friend meant the world to her, and understandably, my mom wanted to honor her memory.
However, growing up with this name has been a constant reminder of a person I never knew, and it’s brought its fair share of issues, especially with the daughter of my mom’s late friend.
My mom’s best friend’s daughter, let’s call her Sarah, has always been a source of negativity in my life.
She’s constantly made snide remarks about my name, using it as a way to belittle me. To make matters worse, my mom has always seemed to prioritize Sarah’s feelings over mine, perhaps out of guilt or loyalty to her late friend’s memory. I have always felt my mom taking care and loving Sarah more than me which has caused a little resentment.
Recently, I’ve decided I want to legally change my name. It’s not just about wanting to distance myself from Sarah’s toxicity, but also about reclaiming my own identity. I want a name that reflects who I am, not one that ties me to someone else’s memory.
I wanted a name that connects me to myself on a deeper level and a reason to be not reminded of all the bad memories I may have with it.
However, when I brought up the idea to my family, it sparked a huge argument.
My mom accused me of dishonoring her friend’s memory and being ungrateful for the name she gave me. Sarah, when she found out from my mom, unsurprisingly, jumped on the bandwagon, calling me selfish and disrespectful. I feel torn. On one hand, I understand that my mom has sentimental attachments to the name, but on the other hand, it’s my name and my life.
I don’t think it’s fair for me to be stuck with a name that brings me nothing but negativity and discomfort.
So, am I the jerk for wanting to change my name and disassociating from my mother’s dead best friend’s memory, especially considering the ongoing drama with her daughter?
Or am I justified in wanting to reclaim my identity and move forward with a name that better suits me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and try to ignore all the negativity. What does Sarah want? She doesn’t like it when you have her mother’s name and mocks you/belittles you for it, and then gets angry when you say you’ll change it.
Ask her what you can do that would make her happy here. (Spoiler alert: nothing) Pick a name that suits you, change it legally, and ignore all the nay-sayers. I would hate to be named in memory of someone. Maybe keep your mother’s chosen name (your given name) as a middle name?
Or, to be honest, you can choose your middle name and choose to go by that instead. My friend was Sarah Jayne [surname] and even from primary school we only ever knew her as Jayne.” Own-Kangaroo6931
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is absolutely why you should never name children after people who passed away in tragic circumstances.
You are an adult now, and you have absolute rights to define your identity. You do not owe it to your mother to be a living monument to her friend, and it is unfair for them to expect you to be that when you had no choice in the matter.
It is your name. You can define it. You are being completely reasonable.” Williamson
Another User Comments:
“I wanted to change my last name because my bio dad never raised me when I turned 18 but my family said not to since I’d get married soon and change it aanyway I regret it.
My HS, college, and all other certifications have that last name and I hate it. When I got married at 26 I finally changed it and it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Don’t make my mistake. Do what makes you happy.
NTJ” Whorible_wife69
20. AITJ For Asking My Wife Not To Send Me Self-Help Videos On Sundays?
“I (41M) and my (40F) wife have been going through some marital issues, our attachment styles are the exact polar opposite to one another. We both are working on ourselves with therapists and see a couples therapist at least once a week.
On the 12th we had a large argument that for me reached a critical breaking point. On the 14th we had our couples session and we turned around and had another on the 18th at my insistence. In those 4 days, I spent a lot of time alone in my office, reading articles, and doing some self-reflection, and I realized something that I brought up in our therapy session on the 18th.
I moved countries when I came to be with my wife, I left all my friends and the support systems I had developed over the years (last member of my family passed away in 2008, so it was just me for the next 11 years). For a while now we’ve been having issues that we’re trying to work on, we both WFH, and she doesn’t get much out of going out with her friends to do stuff away from the house.
If we lived back in the States where I could on occasion go do things with my friends, I would get a /lot/ out of that. But I can’t and so I have no release valve for the pressure our marital issues cause.
I have a separate office from hers that I use for work and as a workshop.
On Sunday nights I stay up late to try and play games and catch up with my friends back home. Throughout the week my wife will send me funny videos, memes, and self-help/improvement videos in social media messenger. The latter I came to realize is a constant reminder/pressure of the issues we’re going through.
Now, I don’t mind them, I try to watch them all, I’m trying to be the man she wants me to be for her. But today I asked her to not send me those videos on Sundays. I asked her to save them in a notepad on her phone/computer to send me on other days.
She instead said she would send them to our WhatsApp chat. I told her that I still get notifications of the videos even if WhatsApp is closed. Her reply after that was “I didn’t think they would disturb what you were doing.” Now I feel like a jerk, and I feel like I shouldn’t.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You might consider handling this a bit more proactively by muting her on Messenger & changing up your Do Not Disturb settings before you head into your friends session. I’ll give everybody some benefit of the doubt here because everybody’s stressed. Good luck.
No jerks here” FiresideChatBot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for asking for no-interrupt time. When relationships are unstable though, everything can feel really sensitive because everyone’s feeling a bit raw. So maybe have a sit down with her and say “hey, I want to expand on that comment I made and give you context.
I feel pressure, and I miss my friends. During this window, I would appreciate if you could hold off on the texts/etc., because I never want to set my phone to ignore messages from you. But I also don’t want to hurt you by phrasing this request poorly.
Can you share with me what you’re thinking when you heard this and help me come up with alternatives if this doesn’t seem doable?” Then you’re talking about your feelings, and your boundaries, without using inflammatory language that excludes her from the request.” SilentSeaweed24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s okay to have a boundary in a relationship. If you are messaging each other all week while you work plus live together, I don’t think asking for undisturbed time on Sunday is unreasonable. Maybe you could turn off all notifications for those apps, put phone on do not disturb, etc. during your down time on Sundays.
Your therapist should be able to help you both negotiate those boundaries and encourage you both to respect them.” napsrule321
19. AITJ For Refusing To Help My Classmates With Their Work To Focus On My Own?
“I (f20) recently started a TAFE course (for non-Australians, TAFE is similar to community college) and 100% of my classes work with computers. The majority of the people in my class aren’t computer literate.
I on the other hand am pretty good with computers so I tend to speed through the classes because I know what I’m doing – and I think other people have caught on to that.
Within the past 2 weeks of classes, I have spent almost everyone helping someone with their work rather than focusing on my own because I don’t want to come off as rude.
For example, yesterday a girl in my class couldn’t seem to go longer than 10 minutes without asking me questions about the work I helped her every time because it didn’t bother me but after getting disrupted every 5 minutes while I was trying to do my own work, it started to get to me a little.
By then I was in a “holy crap stop talking to me” mood and was already thinking about having to stay back just to finish the assignment which I didn’t want to do. So the next time she asked me a question I just said “I don’t know, ask the teacher” (she stared at me for a few seconds then went back to her computer, just staring at her screen until the teacher came over)
Then today, I had a spare 30 minutes before class and wanted to use it to go over what work I needed to do to stop myself from accidentally falling behind, but then another girl came up to me and started asking me questions about an assignment we hadn’t even started. I don’t remember how many times I said “I don’t know” to her while making it obvious that I had my own thing to do before she finally walked off.
I feel rude denying helping people but if I don’t get my own work done and I fall behind then that’s my fault. I can’t really say “oh I’m not doing enough work because I’m prioritizing helping others rather than focusing on finishing this certificate” because nobody told me I had to help anyone.
I’m here to learn, not teach.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It’s very kind to help others, but if you do it at your own expense, it becomes people-pleasing. Other students need to ask the teacher for help and work in their free time to improve – I guess that’s what you probably do for the subjects in which you have more difficulty.
Prioritize your work and don’t help the others until you’ve finished.” Lower_Blacksmith8914
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the teacher. You’re there to learn just like everybody else. It is the teacher’s responsibility to help them. If helping them is causing your work to suffer, then don’t help them anymore.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have to get your own work done. That should take priority. NTJ” NOTTHATKAREN1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When people are this intentionally oblivious you need to be clear. -I’m busy working too. Ask the teacher. -I can’t help you.
-I’m not available to help. I have to study myself. It’ll feel rude but that’s ok. Because they are the rude ones.” ApprehensiveBook4214
18. AITJ For Not Paying My Friend For Taking Photos At My Birthday Dinner?
“My friend (Emma) and I (F28) have known each other for 18 years. We grew up together, traveled to cities together, and have now settled in another country.
I work in banking and she is currently a master’s student and also pursuing some side hustles (photography, art, etc). I came here a couple of years before she did and have made a good group of friends who I hang out with (mostly in finance and from my business school), and we often hang out for birthdays, etc.
She moved here last year and I’ve helped her in every way. Right from pitching her products on my days off at pop-up shops, to even funding her short-term courses for pursuing photography. She even crashed at my apartment for 5 months before she got her own place.
She’s even trying to be an influencer. I’m saying, I put in a lot of effort in our friendship, both financially and emotionally. I turned 28 last week and had plans with my finance friends. We tend to go out for fancy dinners for birthdays which cost each person close to $100.
I told Emma we could hang out for lunch elsewhere because she doesn’t know them and I didn’t want her to feel burdened with the dinner because she’s still a student. I thought it made sense. For some reason, she got really upset at me and said I was being mean and didn’t want to take her to fancy places.
I invited her for dinner and covered her bill too.
When we started clicking group pictures with our phones, she said she’d been taking photography lessons and that she wanted to practice taking pictures (from her phone, not her professional camera). I told her it was just a couple of normal pictures but she insisted we don’t take any pictures, either of the place or people, which didn’t seem like an issue.
The next day, when I asked her for the pictures, she sent me an invoice for $500 and Venmo details as a receipt for the pictures. I thought it was a joke but she was very serious about it. She told me if we can afford to spend $100 on food, we can surely pay her for the pictures.
I told her she offered to click them using her phone and that it didn’t really make any sense, plus she was being unreasonable. She told me she could really use the money and that it didn’t matter to all of us. We’ve been arguing about this ever since and I have literally lost my patience.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ That’s super disappointing! Your friend is demonstrating that she sees you as her meal ticket. It’s not enough that you’ve been friends for 10 years, that you’ve supported her endeavors, and that you bought her dinner on YOUR birthday… but now she’s trying to squeeze you for more.
Emma is showing her true colors, which are the color GRUBBY. It sounds like you’ve been a good friend, and this is a really disappointing end. Keep the $500, and ditch the jerk “friend”.” KBD_in_PDX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend…letting you spend tons of money on her for food, enjoying free lodging, and accepting your assistance in marketing.
The real clincher is that not only did she fail to mention upfront that she expected payment for the pics (while having you cover her expensive meal), but she wouldn’t let anyone else take any. In other words, she was trying to make sure you’d have an incentive to pay her since you didn’t have any of your own pics.” anonymom135
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is what I would say to her: “You are not a professional photographer. If you were, you’d know that it is completely inappropriate to try to charge someone for snapshots off your phone without any kind of previous agreement.
I have done a lot for you, including paying for your dinner for my birthday, and the fact that you are coming to me demanding more is incredibly unappreciative and insulting. I am not going to continue to be friends with someone who thinks this sort of behavior is acceptable.” StrangelyRational
17. AITJ For Not Picking Up On Social Hints About An Inside Joke?
“So I (23M) have a small group of friends in the graduate program, and there is one particular inside joke we have where we put “ussy” as a suffix on random words. It’s something that is dumb but funny to us.
I have another group outside of studying, and a handful of us said that same joke there as well.
Then someone in the group, let’s call her Regan, (33F) called me a different nickname relating to that, and I said I’d rather not be called that (my name with -ussy) at the end, but she still kept doing it anyway. Someone else, let’s call him Jose, (25M) said “OP, just don’t say the joke around her, and she won’t call you that name.” Regan did it less but still did it sometimes anyway.
Last week Regan came up with a different name, that I’m probably not allowed to post on here, and again I flat-out told her not to call me that. She said, “I don’t give a darn ‘OP-ussy,’ I say whatever the darn I want, and you’re going to deal with it.” At this point, I lost it and said, “I can’t control what you say, but if you continue to call me that after I told you not to, I’ll know how truly inconsiderate you actually are.”
Regan then snapped as well and said she never liked the former jokes and was trying to hint at that, and only said that to frustrate me and make me stop. Jose added on, “Yeah it’s like a social thing you missed. We were trying to make you realize it and just stop making a joke so we won’t say it to you.” At this point, I got super mad and told them that they should have just flat-out told me what they were and were not comfortable with and I would have listened. Different people grew up with different social norms, so “social hints” are extremely relative, next time just tell me straight up if she ever feels uncomfortable.
Regan and Jose then laughed me off and stormed off and left the park where we were hanging out.
So AITJ for not picking up on the hint or were they out of line for not just telling me what they wanted directly?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. You’re adults. Learn to communicate. You need to stop making childish immature jokes, especially when your friends have strongly hinted that it’s not funny. Your friends also need to learn to speak up and use their words if they don’t like something.” No-Entertainment3435
Another User Comments:
“Holy crap, NTJ. Can’t these people use actual words and just tell you they find your joke offensive and ask you not to say it around them? Assuming of course that you would agree to stop doing so, because obviously they aren’t finding it funny.” Own_Lack_4526
16. AITJ For Not Believing My Friend Got Intoxicated From Beer Spilled On His Pants?
“My friend Caleb told me a story about a friend of his (Ryan) who doesn’t drink. Caleb recounted a story in which Ryan was hanging out with a bunch of people who were drinking.
Ryan was talking with someone and was very engaged in the conversation.
He claims that because of how engaged he was, he did not notice that one of the partygoers had passed out behind him with a full bottle of beer in his hand. That bottle slipped out of the guy’s hand and started pouring into Ryan’s pants, from behind.
Now again, Caleb says that Ryan was so engrossed in the conversation that he did not notice the beer pouring into his pants. I know Ryan and can vouch for the fact that he does get single-minded and can become almost comically oblivious to his surroundings.
This is where I started to disbelieve though. Ryan claims that when he stood up, he felt a sensation that he had never felt before. Namely, he felt inebriated. Ryan believes that the bottle of beer that was poured down his pants got him inebriated.
Now I vehemently asserted to Caleb when he was recounting this story that a bottle of beer down the pants could not physically get someone inebriated. That’s not how gravity works and it’s not how booze works. Yes, booze is more potent via that entry point, but I don’t think that the booze could have poured into that entry point inadvertently.
I said just think about a bidet. That takes some pretty precise positioning. Not to mention, maybe you don’t notice room-temperature booze pouring down your pants but you would certainly notice it going up your butthole. And to get inebriated, you’d have to get a good amount of the beer in your butt.
Anyway, Caleb thinks I’m a jerk for victim-blaming Ryan. I fully think Ryan thinks he got inebriated from this (he is a very honest person) but I think more plausibly Ryan probably just got dizzy / a headrush after sitting for that long, realized his pants were soaked in beer, and thought he was inebriated.
Caleb doesn’t want to talk to me anymore because he thinks I’m being rude and a jerk. AITJ for refusing to believe that this is physically possible and asserting as much?”
Another User Comments:
“I know dudes that are into men, and having a backside so loose that you can get a beer poured into it mid-conversation and not even notice is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.
Does this dude release water when he gets out the the swimming pool or shower? Does his backside whistle when he walks? Stupid tough guy jokes aside, that’s just not how butts work. It’s a sphincter that stays closed automatically. An accidental enema is as fake as romance on adult websites.” ElJosho105
Another User Comments:
“This has to be the most ridiculous story I have heard in a while. A person who doesn’t notice that his pants are soaked and then is “feeling” inebriated. If he was inebriated, he was taking something else, and I don’t care how focused he gets while talking to another person, it is impossible not to feel a liquid constantly soaking you (unless there is a medical condition).
Most of it would have soaked the clothes, and even if the skin had absorbed something (I think that is the angle he is going on) the quantity would be minuscule. Do you absorb all the water in a bathtub or in a swimming pool?
By this ridiculous logic, the skin should absorb all the water in the swimming pool every time we swim and we will die.” Old_Satisfaction2319
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My Brother For Selling And Using Substances In My House?
“I (23f) live with my partner(25m) and we own a pretty big home. My brother(19m) recently left my parent’s house after a fight so my partner and I let him stay with us.
I never knew what the fight was about, but I never asked about it either because even just mentioning our mom became sensitive to him. My partner and I brushed it off as we thought he might just still be mad at our mom for arguing.
Well fast forward a month later and I find out what the argument is about by my mom. My mom casually brought it up when I went over a few weeks ago. She told me about how they were arguing because my brother was selling substances.
I went ballistic!
He never told me and now I know it’s because he was in the wrong. I always thought my mom started the fight because my mom tends to be a drama queen. So when I got home I confronted my brother about it and he admitted to it but said he stopped selling it so I let it go until 2 WEEKS AGO.
I smelled something that smelled like smoke so I went upstairs and to my surprise, my brother was on his bed smoking with substances on his nightstand. I yelled at him and he just rolled his eyes at me so I kicked him out. I was furious.
My partner says I was being a bit overdramatic but I don’t think I was in the wrong for kicking him out. My brother is now living with his friend in a one-bed, one-bath home and I feel like he deserves it. Don’t get me wrong- I love my brother and would never let him go homeless- but he’s only 19 and already has his hands on the substances?!
My partner and his family tell me I was too hard on him and should have given him a second chance, but to me, this was his second chance, his first chance ended when he got kicked out of my mom’s house. So AITJ For kicking out my brother?
Just a small addition to the millions of words I have to say about this: My brother is really sorry and says he won’t do it again. I wanted to believe him but he told me he wouldn’t do it again when I found out he had done it in the past and he had broken his word.
I’m really hung up on this and need help, anyone have advice and AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I would be upset about someone smoking in my house, but substances are pretty mainstream now, I live in Florida US and there are smoke shops and dispensaries on every corner, all legal. As for him selling, well he needs to keep that ALL THE WAY away from your home.
Tell him to store and peddle his lettuce elsewhere so you don’t get caught up. NTJ” 74Magick
14. AITJ For Asking A Friend Not To Visit While I'm Grieving?
“I (27, female) live with a roommate (27, female) and we have a mutual friend (27, female) (platonic, but an amiable ex of roommate) who stays with us most weekends so we can hang out.
My friend ‘Sarah’ lives in the city and we live in the suburbs, so Sarah stays with us because it’s easier than commuting. My roommate, ‘Tori’, has a cat. End context.
Last Saturday, my grandmother died. I am heartbroken, but due to various work events and time-sensitive things, I cannot take leave right now and have been powering through it, hoping to process the death properly on the weekend when I can take time to be sad and maybe have a drink or two.
On Wednesday, my grandfather died. At this point, my life feels like a cosmic joke, but I know that if I let myself grieve right now, I’m going to be unable to work and I can’t afford that right now. So this weekend, I planned to remember them and grieve privately.
I hate making a scene and empty pity makes me incredibly uncomfortable, so I don’t typically let on when things like this happen.
I sent a message to a group chat that Tori, Sarah, and I are all asking for the typical weekend hangout to happen at Sarah’s place this weekend because work had been stressful and I needed some quiet, alone time.
Sarah responds by asking if she could come over to the apartment for a bit because she “misses Groose [the cat]”. I replied that I had just lost two grandparents, and I really needed the personal space.
Sarah responds again with this: “Oh no, I’m so sorry!
That’s really hard. I totally hear that request and I don’t want to be a jerk, but might there be a couple of hours when you’re already planning to be out of the apartment for something? I get that quiet need but I’d love to see Groose even for an hour or two”
I was flabbergasted and speechless. I honestly don’t know how to respond. I didn’t think it was so unreasonable a request, but am I just being a jerk for breaking our weekly hangout?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sorry for your losses. Sarah should be more mindful and stop trying to push so hard to come over when you blatantly told her why you didn’t want to hang out this weekend.
The fact that she tries to push you out of the apartment just so she can visit the cat for a couple of hours is highly entitled. Take your time, OP. I hope your roommate has your back.” Malibu_Cola
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I suggest writing back “that won’t be possible”.
Don’t elaborate because she’ll find something to negotiate. It also doesn’t include words like I, you, me, etc so it seems like it’s not possible because of an outside force. If she pushes, asks why not, etc, just say “Sorry I can’t get into it at this moment, I’ll see you next time”.
There’s a power in being a little bit vague, it makes it harder for people to find a foothold to argue about. But it’s also language that’s definite. Best of luck!” Chicago-Lake-Witch
13. AITJ For Not Dropping My Plans With A Friend To Hang Out With My Ex?
“I (22F) have been in a relationship with a guy (24M) for 3-ish years.
We broke up in August for several reasons but stayed in contact and are trying to see if it’s worth giving the relationship another shot. There’s previously been some controlling behavior from his side which I have brought up to him and said I will not be tolerating.
He has been very busy for the past month. This weekend we spent a substantial amount of time with each other. Yesterday (Monday) I was under the impression that he would be busy since that is what he told me during the weekend. I was home for 2 hours until a friend asked if I wanted to play some video games together.
I said yes. After about 30 minutes my ex (for lack of a better word) says he made time for me and we can hang out if I’m not busy. I said I’m playing with a friend. My ex replies “Come hang. You have 24/7 with your friend.
I rarely have free time.”
I told him I’ve said before that I don’t like being told to do things like it’s not an option, that he could have told me earlier that he was planning on making time for it (before I make plans) and that I didn’t want to just ditch my friend after 30 minutes when I had told him I would play.
My ex then tells me that’s a cheap and dismissive response and that I am picking my friend over him and spitting in his face by not being flexible when he’s been busy for so long.
I stood my ground and didn’t leave my friend but now my ex is angry and considering leaving for good because he thinks it’s unattractive and pathetic (his words) that I won’t bend my own values so I can spend time with him.
He keeps reiterating that I am picking my friend over him.
I’ve been turning this situation over in my head the whole day and I’m starting to feel guilty. I understand his side and that he was disappointed that I said no after he had made an effort to spend time together when I said I missed him.
At the same time, I feel like his reaction isn’t proportionate to the issue. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- girl run! Look at the words he chose to describe your choice. Bend your values to appease him??? Unless this is a set expectation that you both agreed to you drop what you’re doing when he feels up.
It’s pretty childish that he is wielding words like that and making threats to forever end it. Let that one go he is going to always play games. ” Ok-Second-6107
Another User Comments:
“NTJ everything he’s doing here is manipulative, you’re starting to feel guilty because he’s saying things meant specifically to guilt you into hanging out with him.
Do not give him another chance, he’s still trying to control you. He called you unattractive and pathetic! Find a man who respects you and your time!” NoHorseNoMustache
12. AITJ For Considering Reporting My In-Laws' Unhygienic Home To The City?
“I have been with my husband for 5 years and we have been married for almost 2 years.
I remember the first time I went inside his mom’s house, it was very nice and neat (she did live in the lower income homes but was still a great home) I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until I went to the bathroom and immediately I saw two roaches in the sink, I didn’t think anything of it because I’ve been in super nice homes that had roaches.
Fast forward about a year, his mom, sister, and niece moved in next door with his uncle. When I went into that house for the first time, I was standing in the living room and a RAT the size of a small cat ran across the room and his whole family pretended not to see it or hear it, I was frozen in fear.
They had that rat there for so long that they named it, the only reason they got rid of it was because I said something about it.
The next incident was BED BUGS, I have never had bed bugs ever in my life but I was familiar with them because I would watch documentaries.
One day I started noticing these bed bugs all over my stuff and bites all over my body, I decided to look in my mattress and there they were, I knew for a fact that I got them from his family’s house due to that fact that after I got rid of them, I went back to their house and FOUND ONE CRAWLING ON ME.
And again, the only reason they got rid of them was because of me. The bugs were so bad and I knew they had them long before I came into the family because my husband had old scabs from the bites, and let me remind you that there is a CHILD already living under their roof that is going through this.
Bed bugs can kill you after so long.
Finally, they have a really bad roach infestation and I doubt they will ever get rid of them, it’s so bad their house smells disgusting and now that I’m pregnant, I have to stop myself from gagging because of how bad it is.
The roaches are so bad you see them crawl on the tv and the wall and they just ignore them. They don’t even allow outside people to come into their home because they know the way it looks, they never let me use the bathroom up until the last 3 years of us being together.
One more thing to add, they have no ac so it’s very stuffy in their house and hard for me to breathe. With that being said, am I the jerk for even thinking that if the city got called on them they would take my husband’s niece away from her mama?
I know I’m not crazy or uptight either because I would’ve left him after the rat thing if I was uptight.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ However I am a bit confused, you said the house was “very nice and neat” but they somehow keep having rat, cockroach, and bedbug infestations?
That seems awfully unusual to me. Regardless, if they have continuous pest infestations it’s totally reasonable to not want your young child in that house. Or to want mother-in-law to bring bedbugs over to your place.” BeautyofPoison
Another User Comments:
“Call the city about the condition of the house, and call CPS for your niece.
She is living in an unsafe situation. There is no way CPS will leave a child in a home like that. About her babysitting, don’t let her do it. It will expose her to every one of the things you mentioned and other things that you just aren’t aware of.
NTJ. Please help your niece. The way she is living now will never change if no one helps her.” MorgainofAvalon
Another User Comments:
“That is appalling. YWNBTAH If you didn’t allow your mother-in-law to babysit your child. You have a say in who cares for your child and you are ultimately responsible for making sure your child is kept in a clean, safe environment.
If you called the city, they very likely would contact CPS given the degree of neglect in their home should also be considered as neglect for the safety of your husband’s niece. Just be prepared that you’d likely be called on to foster being her next of kin, and you’re likely to have a massive fallout with your in-laws.
Even if they don’t say who called, they’re likely to assume it was you given how you’ve told them to clean up before.” AvaKane93
11. AITJ For Confronting My Roommate About His Disrespectful Messiness?
“I (M19) am in my second year of college and share a dorm with my roommate (M19). We’ve always been friendly despite being pretty different—I’m an overthinker, and he’s very “it’s not that deep.” Recently, though, I feel like he’s been crossing lines of basic respect.
He and his partner (F18) often leave trash or his stuff (shoes, random junk) on my side of the room. I’ve politely asked him multiple times to stop, but it keeps happening. Two moments really stood out: once, I found an empty wrapper on my fridge, and another time, a paper towel with some weird sticky substance was left on my side.
Both times, he brushed it off with weak excuses and barely apologized.
The breaking point was about a week ago when he knocked the lid off my trash can while rushing back to play dice with our suitemates. Instead of picking it up, he just said, “My fault” and nudged it closer to the bin.
I left it there and asked him to pick it up before I left the room, but when I came back the next day, it was still on the floor.
I confronted him, and he tried to blame me for knocking it down, then said, “It’s just a lid.” Frustrated, I pointed out how he always leaves messes and makes excuses.
I even picked up a receipt he’d left on the floor for months as an example, but he claimed he was “saving it” (total BS). Eventually, he snapped, asking, “What’s your problem?” I walked out.
We didn’t talk for a few days until I initiated a conversation to clear the air.
I explained how his behavior felt disrespectful, but he turned it around on me, saying my “tone” was the problem. He also brought up some unrelated drama from the day before, which felt like a deflection.
Things are awkward now, and I’m questioning if we should even stay friends.
I wonder if I overreacted or if I’m justified in wanting more respect.
TL;DR: My roommate constantly leaves messes and brushes it off when I bring it up. I called him out for not picking up my trash can lid after I asked him to, and he turned it around on me, saying my tone was the issue.
Things are tense now—AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are not wrong at all. Y’all are young and learning how to cohabitate like adults. Unfortunately, your roommate is still living like a teen at home. Good on you for not just rolling over and taking it as you give yourself an ulcer with your suppressed frustration. This is a situation where if you want changes, you’re going to have to be the squeaky wheel.
Suggestions: keep complaining to a roommate, pester the housing authority about changing roommates due to sanitation & health concerns (bring them a sample of a mysterious sticky substance), start tossing the trash onto the roommate’s side instead of throwing away, start complaining about bugs, next time he brings a partner over hold up the used wrapper and loudly tell him to throw out his trash, etc. You’re not the crazy one, don’t let anyone gaslight you into thinking otherwise.
If others have anything to say to you, suggest that they trade with you and be his roommate instead. This is a great lesson for you when you move into shared housing situations. Good luck! NTJ ” Majestic_Register346
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like someone’s used to mommy cleaning up after him and thinks he shouldn’t need to be responsible for himself.
He needs to grow up and you shouldn’t have to put up with his disgusting habits just because you’re stuck in the same room for the semester.” WiscWoodViolet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you guys are not compatible. Try to make it through the semester and get a new assignment if it’s bothering you that much.
Wrappers and “sticky substances on napkins” are gross. I suggest you buy a pair of egg tongs and start grabbing their detritus and dropping it on his bed if it crosses into your side. I wouldn’t confront him on it—just pick it up and scoot it onto his bed. But you’re probably past the point of getting this to work out.” National_Pension_110
10. AITJ For Refusing To Engage With My Husband's Ex-Wife's Wife Due To Her Disrespectful Behavior?
“I (38F) am married to my husband (50M), who shares custody of his two kids (16F and 12M) with his ex-wife (48F). His ex is remarried to her wife (48F), who has become extremely involved in the co-parenting dynamic.
They had been divorced for eight years when my husband’s ex-wife left him for her current wife.
I met my husband almost six years ago, we married earlier this year.
From the beginning, I’ve tried to be polite and respectful when interacting with his ex-wife and her wife, but over time, I’ve grown to avoid any direct contact with them, especially his ex-wife’s wife.
Every time I do engage, she finds a way to talk down to me or make passive-aggressive comments—both to my face and indirectly through the kids.
For example, she’ll say things like, “I’m surprised you’re here, with you it’s always hit or miss,” or, “We’re too old for what you do.” She’s also made snide remarks about how I am not good with the kids “You can always ask me questions as I know how to parent them.”
The kids have picked up on it, too. They’ve mentioned things like, “Stepmom says you don’t really know how kids because you don’t have any,” or, “Stepmom and mom said you’re only involved because Dad needs help.” It’s incredibly frustrating, especially because I’ve made every effort to build a good relationship with the kids and respect their boundaries.
I finally decided that for my own sanity, I was done trying to engage with her. I still talk to my husband’s ex-wife when necessary, but I won’t involve myself with her wife anymore. Of course, this hasn’t gone unnoticed. Now, the ex-wife and her wife are accusing me of being “inappropriate” and “difficult” because I won’t speak to her or coordinate directly with her.
They insist that her involvement is “necessary” and that I’m not prioritizing what’s best for the kids.
But here’s the thing: I’m not refusing to co-parent. I’m refusing to subject myself to someone who consistently disrespects me and undermines my role in the kids’ lives.
My husband agrees with me, but I’m still questioning whether I’m doing the right thing for the kids by drawing this line.
Additionally, I am pregnant and this is causing me great stress. The ex-wife is already creating conflict with my husband every chance she gets.
She interferes with our custodial time every week and constantly berates him in the parenting app they use to communicate.
AITJ for refusing to talk to his ex-wife’s wife?”
Another User Comments:
“There’s literally no reason you have to be talking to either of these women.
They aren’t your children and they aren’t your responsibility and if the person who is responsible for them won’t manage those relationships it’s not your burden to take on. NTJ and pass the reins over to your husband. I’ve driven step stepdaughter back and forth occasionally and still not interacted with mom via text or phone once; all of it is through my husband.
Probably why I like her fine enough.” ktjbug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds wise to go low/ no contact with them, they aren’t co-parenting, they are bullying. Also, consider getting a mediated parenting plan that is legally tied up properly. And a parenting communication app… so everyone communicates through the court-ordered app and it notes tone and insults.
Will sort a lot of the nonsense out. While you are at it… get the kids into some kind of therapy, and warn the therapist that the ex/ex’s wife is warming up alienation and you want a good relationship with your step kids and can the therapist help facilitate this.” Particular-Try5584
9. AITJ For Forcing My Sister To Apologize In Norway?AITJ For Forcing My Sister To Apologize?
“I (27M) have custody of my two siblings, Barnaby (13M) and Sarah (13F), our mom and dad died 4 years ago, I was about to start my Master’s program in Norway but with my parents’ death, it had to be delayed. I am now currently a second-year Master’s student, I live in an apartment off campus with Barnaby and Sarah.
We are originally from the U.S., and my siblings have had different reactions to the move, Barnaby is fairly well adjusted, he plays hockey, does well in school, and is overall extremely happy. Sarah has had a much harder time adjusting and has acted out like bullying one of Barnaby’s Sami friends.
Today, we were in the secondhand shop near our apartment, which we go to fairly often. I was with Barnaby while he was looking at some hockey stuff and Sarah was off in another part of the store. All of a sudden, this kid, who was 5, came running down and was acting a bit crazy, very energetic.
He eventually slowed down and that’s when both Sarah and the boy’s mom came over to him, he was in the same section as Barnaby and I. Sarah started to yell at the boy for running in the store. In Norway, yelling is seen much more unfavorably than in the U.S., I have heard from my friends in school that it is discouraged and my friends have told me U.S.
parents are seen as too tough.
The mom started to get upset because her son was crying at the yelling, she was trying to comfort him. I demanded Sarah that apologize to the boy, but she refused, I kept pushing her, but the mom said it is “not right to force kids to say something, they have freedom too”.
I told her that I just wanted Sarah to be respectful, and she eventually “apologized” but she didn’t really mean it. Tonight, I was out for tacos with Barnaby and Sarah and some friends and Barnaby was telling them the story, and when they heard about the forced apology, they said they agreed with the mom and I was being too pushy, and one of my friends even said I was “disrespecting” their culture by pushing harsh American parenting.
I don’t see myself as a strict guy, but I also grew up in a much different culture than here in Norway. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. My opinion is not just based on this interaction but on the totality of your life over the past 4 years.
You all lost your parents, which is a horrible tragedy, and moved to another country. That is a lot of change in a relatively short period. While maybe demanding Sarah apologize may have not been right in that moment, your intentions were that of trying to discipline a child for their (even mildly) inappropriate behavior.
I don’t think that you have to parent as a Norwegian just because you live there just as many people in the US from other countries will parent the way they would in their own country. That said, if you know Sarah is having a hard time adjusting—and who wouldn’t with all that’s gone on, I really hope you look into therapy for everyone.
For the kids and you, who have been thrust into a world of parenting that you never planned for. Also, I want to give you kudos for taking on your siblings in a parent capacity at a young age. That is not easy. Take it easy on yourself and seek out help to adjust to your new normal.” Lacroix24601
Another User Comments:
“In a way, I agree with the other parent. No point in a forced apology if it’s not from the heart. I do however don’t agree with the disrespecting the culture part. Might be too strong of an argument there. Next time say something like ” Thank you for pointing this out.
I appreciate it. In our culture… and I would greatly appreciate it if you understand where I’m coming from as well.” To Add: This is a learning opportunity for Sarah and yourself since you’re now officially their caretaker/guardian/parent (Good job by the way!).
Best when it’s these types of situations to let the adults handle it. mhmmmm… NTJ. It’s great that you’re being mindful of their culture but it’s also detrimental to not forget your own. I grew up in a vast range of cultures with my mom’s side being two different Asian cultures with a mix of Spanish in there and my dad who’s German-American.
It’s tough sometimes. You need to find the balance that works for you without losing yourself along the way. The most important thing is respecting the differences. You don’t have to agree or even fully immerse yourself into it but you need to respect it and so do they.” Auspicious_Phoenix
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but for future reference, as an American teacher who knows a bit about child psychology, it’s not really effective to force kids to apologize, because if you force it, then they don’t mean it. An apology, at least how I understand it, is both an expression of remorse and a promise to try your very best to never do the thing again.
But if a kid is only saying sorry because they were forced to, then they don’t mean either of those things and instead are just saying an empty word, which doesn’t really help anyone. The person who was apologized to can tell it wasn’t sincere and therefore doesn’t feel any better, and the person doing the apologizing didn’t learn anything.
I’m not sure though of what would’ve been the better way to handle the situation. The best outcome of course would have been if you could have made your sister realize that what she did was wrong and come to the conclusion that she needed to apologize, but that may have been hard to do in the moment.” LittleNarwal
8. AITJ For Giving My Late Daughter's Car To Her Daughter Instead Of My Niece?
“Me (57F) and my husband (59M) had our daughter Miya at a very young age. She married her high school sweetheart right after she graduated high school in 1999. Unfortunately, her husband died on 9/11 and it broke her completely. She had her son Lance (21M now), but since she was in a very dark place mentally, she gave him away to me and my husband.
Miya eventually met another man, twice her age and with some health issues, but he made her happy and they had another child, Kat (17F now). Unfortunately, when Kat was still little, Miya was KIA (she was a law enforcement officer). Her partner took care of Kat, but recently he passed away due to a heart attack.
The CPS contacted us and we took Kat in.
We have a car, a 1969 Impala, it belonged to my mother once and when I gave birth to Miya, my mom passed it down to me. Back then it had as much value as a 12-year-old car could have.
Now it’s considered a classic car and is worth a fortune. Since then it was driven by me, Miya, and Lance, and eventually got back to my mom who’s in her late 70s now and doesn’t feel that comfortable driving stick anymore.
It was supposed to be handed down to my sister’s youngest daughter, Lisa, who is about to turn 16, unfortunately, Lisa knew about our plans. Kat has a license, so we decided that she could drive the Impala. She really needs a car to get around and she knows how to drive a manual. Her father was a mechanic and she knows a thing or two about cars so she fixed some things in the Impala, it runs as well as new.
Kat was very grateful because the Impala was one of the few things left of her late mother.
Now, Lisa is upset because she thinks that I tricked her and lied to her. We offered to buy her a modern car instead. She’s dead set on having the Impala even though she learned how to drive automatically only.
My sister is raging too because she thinks our mom treated us unfairly when she gave me the Impala and I treated her unfairly when I gave the Impala to Kat. My mom says I made the right decision.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Kat will be able to take care of an older car, that she can also drive, plus it was her mother’s.
I think the other two only want to sell it, especially since they can’t even drive a stick. It’s boiling down to greed. That’s why they don’t want a used car. It was your mother’s car. She gave it to you. Your sister and niece don’t want a new car, so they get nothing.
You did the right thing, don’t let anyone guilt you.” Less_Ordinary_8516
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, there were promises made but life circumstances made you change direction. It happens and people need to understand. Your sister’s beef is with your mother, not you. Regardless of whether or not it was fair, your mother passed that car to you and it’s yours to do with as you please.
Your niece is being bratty if that’s the specific car she wants, especially in light of your offer to buy her a modern car and her inability to drive that older car. What are you kidding me? The fact that neither your sister nor her daughter seemingly has any sympathy for the teenager who lost both of her parents means you can gift that car to your granddaughter without a second thought.
And condolences for your and your GD’s losses.” scrapples000
Another User Comments:
“I understand the logic of a car doing nothing so drive it. But drove a 30-year-old car as my daily drive and changed because as other cars got bigger and faster, it began to feel very unsafe.
They aren’t designed with crumple zones or airbags so any crash and you are likely to end up with the engine on your lap. Looks like Lisa sees it as an investment she was planning to sell to fund education or other plans and now she has lost that.
I suspect you are seeing a car, she is seeing an asset. The complicating thing is that it is one of the few moments of Kat’s Mum and that should give her priority. But as a daily driver, you are risking another tragedy. Perhaps sell the car and split the money between the two girls.
That should give enough money for a newer car for Kat and recognize Lisa has some claim to it from your promises.” Timely_Egg_6827
7. AITJ For Not Wanting My Roommate's Partner In Our Apartment When She Isn't Home?
“I (F23) moved into my apartment with 2 roommates I met on a social media platform, let’s call them Roommate 1 (F23) and Roommate 2 (F27).
Roommate 1 lived in the apartment already for a year and roommate 2 is new. When we first moved in, there weren’t many red flags but there were a few things that were off.
She told us we couldn’t use a few of her things that were in common areas and she would leave common spaces dirty constantly (even leaving dishes in the sink before traveling for 3 weeks). Roommate 1 has a partner who lives directly downstairs and has also lived here for over a year.
Me and roommate 2 noticed that her partner would spend a lot of time here and rarely any time in his apartment.
One day, roommate 1 left for a weekend trip without her partner. I happened to come home early from work the Friday that she left and noticed that there was food out on the counter and cabinets open.
I knew roommate 2 was still at work and was worried someone had broken into the apartment. The next thing I know, her partner comes downstairs. He was in the apartment with no one home. I didn’t say anything to anyone, but the next day I had gone away for the day and roommate 2 texted me and said she heard someone in our apartment.
She was scared but I told her what happened the day before and told her It was probably roommate 1’s partner, which it was.
We brought this up to roommate 1 and she told us she would let us know if her partner ever needed to come in and grab stuff.
HOWEVER, things did not change. Every time me and roommate 2 are home when we’re “not supposed to be” he is always here, he even said once he was here because he thought no one was gonna be home. We have brought this to roommate 1’s attention several times and she does not understand.
First, we said it was okay for him to come in and grab stuff (thinking it would be every once in a while) but now that we have caught him several times we assume it is on a daily basis. She uses the excuse that they share groceries and need to come in gand rab stuff, but we have caught him cooking full meals here when no one is home, not just grabbing things like she claims he is.
We finally got sick of it and asked her for him not to be here at all when she was not here. Are we the jerks?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but 1. Talk to the landlord about changing the locks fully explaining why and ask the landlord to Tell R1 she’s NOT ALLOWED to give anyone her key not make a copy for someone else.
2. Inform R1 that if you find her partner ever again in your apartment you are calling the police and you are NOT OKAY for paying for his use of electricity/water/heat/internet 3 if R1 wants to share things with her partner she can go get them at his place if his roommates are okay with it or they need to move together alone or with like-minded people which you and R3 AREN’T” Organic_Start_420
Another User Comments:
“Very creepy situation you can’t relax even in your own home. Ban him unless she’s there. They need to separate their groceries at the door. Creepy. I would make it my mission to watch TV in my loungewear in the living room daily.
She’ll get the message.” 11SkiHill
6. AITJ For Wanting My Partners Family To Contribute To Household Expenses?
“I (24F) and my partner (26M) have been living together for almost a year now, we have been seeing each other for close to three years.
A little back story, before moving in with him, I was living on my own for about a year and slowly became close to his family since we were dealing with relationship issues. About a year ago his mom asked me to move in with them since they assumed it would help my financial situation.
I make good money however, the cost of living was way too high and I was living on my own, my partner eventually asked me to move in and I did.
MIL is 42 years old and SIL is 25 years old. Both of them do not work and only go to a small trade school in the morning.
MIL has not worked in a while due to her having an accident and getting disability, however, they stopped her disability about the same time I moved in (fishy ik). SIL has never worked, she just began school when I moved in. When I moved in, MIL stopped paying her end of the rent due to her no longer getting disability as she now only gets EBT.
So when I moved in I took over paying her half the rent. I pay my “half” of the rent, my storage unit, the groceries for me and my partner, almost every time we go eat, any vacations we take, the internet bill, and household items. My partner pays his bills (car, insurance, a lot of CC bills) and his half of the rent, he will occasionally pay for going out or our vacation dinners but they are usually my idea so I think that’s ok.
Overall my partner and I pay for all the expenses in the home.
Through this year my MIL keeps saying that once she graduates her little school, she will get a job. However, she recently told us that she was missing a few classes and still needs to do an internship, somewhat implying she couldn’t get a job because of her classes (keep in mind I a am university graduate who worked full time throughout uni).
Same with my SIL, she just finished her internship and I asked her if she had a job lined up and she said no but that she wasn’t worried because there are a lot of jobs out there for her certificate.
It’s getting to a point where I cannot take it anymore.
I am the youngest out of all of them, yet I am covering the majority of the bills. I work over 50 hours per week and I am still financially struggling. When I get home from work to keep working, they are just in their room laughing and watching Netflix, having no care in the world that her son/brother and I are killing ourselves to pay the bills.
I have asked my partner to tell them to get a job and he has but MIL is bipolar and takes it to offense, SIL just brushes him off. Lately, I had to cover some of my partner’s personal bills and it maxed out both my cc and I barely had money for gas.
I love my partner and don’t want to break up with him or give him an ultimatum because that is his family but the stress of money is affecting me. I was now diagnosed with high blood pressure from all the stress. What can I do now?
We need help and they do not care.”
Another User Comments:
“You don’t have to break up. You have to move out and let them manage on their own. Tell your partner you love him, but you aren’t able to support his family anymore and while you want to live with him and build a future together, you’re not willing to support his mother and sister anymore.
Your health is suffering and you don’t have a choice if you don’t want to get sick. You want to save money and to have an actual life. NTJ” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your partner and his family are slowly sucking you dry. There is absolutely no reason that in a household of 4 adults, 3 of whom are not related to you, you are paying for a majority of the expenses.
And yes, I am including your partner in this. He knows exactly what you have been asked to do and yet does not advocate for you. Break or not, move out, and stop paying their bills. They are not your responsibility.” Oldgamerlady
Another User Comments:
“This is an advice question, not an A I T J question. There’s a door, right? You can use it. You don’t have to break up with him or give him an ultimatum. You just set some boundaries, which are limits on what you as a person are going to accept, not what other people do.
“I’m going to move out because this situation is untenable. I’d like it if you came too. I’ll consider returning if the situation changes.” But you can’t control what he or his family does. You cannot make them care, and they’ve given you pretty clear indications they don’t.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm.” Fredsundertheblanket
5. AITJ For Babysitting My Cousin's Kids And Being Accused Of Being A Bad Influence?
“Both my cousin and her husband work full time but also have 4 kids, 3 of whom aren’t in school. They normally stay with their grandma (my aunt) or their aunt (my other cousin). This week, my aunt was out of town so my cousin was watching them.
Both of her kids are in school and one of them got sick so she had to pick him up. Obviously she couldn’t leave them home alone and she didn’t want to take them with her in fear of getting them sick. I live about 5 minutes away from my cousin so she called to see if I could watch them.
I’m a 22 year old female and am in college but I have my own apartment and most of my classes are in the morning. On this particular day I only had an 8:30 class so I was home by 9:30. Though I’m not super comfortable around children, I was willing to help seeing as I was the last resort.
The day went by fine, two of them went down for a nap pretty quickly and the other was content watching Bluey and coloring. Their dad was the one to come pick them up. He’s always had a bit of a problem with me. He’s a conservative Catholic and I’m queer with piercings and tattoos.
As soon as he stepped through the door he was yelling about how irresponsible it was for my cousin to leave his kids with me. He was claiming I was a bad influence who was going to corrupt them and make them gay. I told him what had happened but he didn’t want to hear it.
Before he left he said that he never wanted to see me around his kids again.
Later that night I got a call from my cousin (the kids’ mom) who wanted to hear the full story. I thought that she would be rational with me seeing as she’s known me my whole life and knows I’m a good person.
But by the end of the call she agreed with the sentiment that I need to stay away from her kids. That whole side of the family is ganging up on me, including my aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I was just trying to help out my cousin, but now I feel like I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You stepped in to help when the alternatives were (1) leaving them completely unsupervised or (2) risking them getting sick as well. Too bad for the kids that the bigots would have preferred option 1 or 2, over knowing their children were safe under adult supervision… You did nothing wrong.
Tell collective family to not ask you for favours in emergencies if they are just going to disrespect your lifestyle and not thank you afterwards.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“No, no, no, no, NO. Oh darling, what jerks your cousins are. You help them and this is how they thank you. Just tell all of them that you are relieved that you will not babysit their kids for free again.
Block all of them and move on with your life. Also, if anyone was wrong was the one that contact you in the first place, instead of calling the kids parents. You have a good heart, and their beliefs are blinding them to see through your tattoo and piercings.
I don’t think God, appreciate judgemental people, but this is just how I see. Please, don’t question yourself again WHEN doing something from your heart, don’t let them MAKE you think less of yourself. ” Specific-Two2479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and you should just block these people.
Your cousin asked you for help and you helped her out. If her bigoted husband wants to be mad at somebody, he can be mad at his wife for asking you in the first place (obviously he has no real reason to be mad, but bigots are always mad about something).
And make no mistake about it: your cousin is a bigot too. If she is willing to denigrate your humanity in order to assuage her husband’s religious homophobia, then she has to own that prejudice. Block them all and live your best life.” TurtleTheMoon
4. AITJ For Telling My Dance Partner My Flower Color Preference?
“In the country where I’m (15f) from it’s common to take some dance classes when you’re around my age to learn some basic dances – waltz, foxtrot, that type of stuff. I’m on a course with only people my age, most of them I know from school.
At the end of each course, there’s typically a ball that you attend with friends and family, and you also have a partner to dance with for some parts of the night. I am going with Luca (15m).
It’s basically expected that the guy buys some flowers for the girl, and the girl also gets him a small gift in exchange that is about the same price.
Around two weeks ago during one of the dance classes, Luca asked me if I had any preferences on the colors of the flowers so it would go well with my dress (which I assume his mom made him ask me). I told him that something white and/or (light) pink would be great since that goes well with the color of my dress.
He said he’ll keep it in mind and that was basically it for the issue.
Well, since that conversation the rumor has started to circulate that I demanded that Luca buy me specific flowers. I talked to my friends about it and described the conversation and they told me it was a “Karen move” to not just tell him to get whatever he thinks looks good.
I also talked to Luca about the situation again and he said he only asked as a courtesy and didn’t expect me to actually make any demands. He thought it was quite rude of me to tell him what to get. I to be honest feel borderline gaslit about the situation since I remember being polite about it when he first asked me.
In my mind it doesn’t make a difference for him whether he gets pink or orange flowers so if he asks me, I might as well tell him my preferences. It’s not like I told him to get a bouquet of expensive roses or something.
But since I’m getting so much backlash from him as well I really don’t know if I behaved correctly. So AITJ for telling him my preferences?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked you what you would like, and you answered. This sounds like a classic case of teenagers creating drama out of nothing and teenage boys being stupid (source: was formerly a teenage boy).
If he’s being such a jerk about it, tell him to find another date.” sfzen
Another User Comments:
“Wha..? NTJ. He asked what would match your dress. You told him colors. It’s been a minute since I was your age, but I remember all the dances and prom from that time.
The boys ALWAYS asked color, so that your flower could match your dress, or at least not clash with it. I think it’s weird that he’s making such a big deal out of it. I wouldn’t go with him to the dance–anything you say or do is going to be talked about with all his friends.
No matter what you do from this point, he isn’t going to say nice things behind your back.” BrokenWingsButterfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is stupid to ask about preferences if you don’t expect an answer. I don’t think white and pink flowers would be inherently more expensive or difficult to get hold of, so if this kind of “politesse” is normal around your part of the world, good on you to break that tradition.
He might turn up with a bunch of thistles for you, though. You had better wear thick gloves!” FragrantEconomist386
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Husband's Newly Discovered Daughter To Move In With Us Immediately?
“My husband (m35) and I (27) are married and we have a 5-year-old girl and I am pregnant (first trimester). Six months ago my husband found out that he has a daughter (13) from a previous relationship. He knew nothing about this, he was seeing a girl who was toxic and lied about BC to babytrap him, when he said that he didn’t want anything with her, she said she was going to have a procedure.
Okay right now my husband has met up with his daughter, she has also met his family/ me, and our girl. The girl doesn’t live with her mom, she lives with her maternal grandparents, so the other day she brought up the idea of my husband having custody over her so she could live with us.
At the moment I didn’t say anything, but when we were alone I told my husband that I was not okay with that. We have our plans and suddenly adding a 13-year-old teen is going to complicate things. At first, he didn’t understand my side but then he agreed.
However, my MIL said that it’s not appropriate for his daughter to live with her grandparents when she has her dad. She told me that I needed to accept his daughter, but I said that I didn’t marry a man with a child, I married a man with no children, we have our plans and logically we don’t even know this girl enough to allow her at our home full time.
She has been parented by other people and her mom wasn’t good, we can have this conversation in a year when we know her and her family better and we have settled with our new baby. My MIL still thinks I’m a jerk, my husband sided with me again, so now she thinks I even want to cause a fight between them.
She went around our family telling everyone that I had “forbidden” my husband to have contact with his daughter, so I called her up and told her she was a noisy gossip, which made everything worse. Now, he also had a fight with his mother and other people in his family.
I’m thinking that I’ve caused unnecessary drama, maybe I should’ve just ignored MIL.
Small clarification: I am not refusing to spend time with her, I am refusing to let her move in with us right now. I think we should spend time with her as a family and get to know her better (so she can get to know us as well), I don’t want to rush that process.
For the record, when I say that I don’t think we should rush things, I mean doing activities together (which we’re already doing), starting with one-night sleepovers, then the weekend, a week, going on holidays (maybe during summer break? We’re not sure yet if we’ll plan a trip or something) and gradually moving her in instead of doing it abruptly.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No need to name call, it hurts your message, which, btw, I agree with. Your husband did nothing wrong, he had no idea he had a child. Of course, you’re not going to bring any unknown factor into your home with small children, much less an older child you really don’t know.
I do agree that you should get to know her, husband should begin parenting her in small doses, and see how she interacts and is safe with your children. Tell Mil that her drama is hurting her granddaughter. You will not dream of making an uninformed choice regarding your children’s safety until things become clearer.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“I agree she should not move in with you now, but not for the reasons you gave. It would not be in HER interest to live with people who she barely knows and who barely know her. (My husband and I were in a similar situation with his son.
We ended up taking custody but only after a few years of relationship building.) It would be really disorienting for her to be suddenly living by your rules, and you would both probably have a hard time figuring out the best way to parent her.
If she were in a bad situation with her grandparents or in foster care, that would be different. But seems like there’s no good reason to rush. Now, where I disagree with you and think you’re being a jerk is “I didn’t marry a man with a kid.” You also didn’t marry a man with cancer, a man with depression, a man who has suddenly lost his job, etc. Sh*t happens.
This happened to both of you and you need to rise to the occasion and be there for him and your stepdaughter. There can be a lot of joy in this if you choose for there to be.” lml424
Another User Comments:
“There’s a few things to address here.
1) You aren’t a jerk if you’re advocating for going about this slowly. That is what is best for your family, but most importantly, it’s best for the 13-year-old. She shouldn’t be thrust into a situation where she lives with people she doesn’t know. 2) You ARE a bit of a jerk for your statements like, “I married a man with no children”.
Statements like that contradict the fact you are advocating incorporating the child into your lives at all. You had plans for your life? Guess what? Life laughs at your plans. Tell people who find out they have cancer about plans. 3) Your MIL. She’s WAY over the line and while it seems your husband is standing up for you, he needs to really take the reins here and shut her nonsense down now.
My first point here is the most important. Talk to the daughter and say that moving her in is a real possibility, but it’s something that both sides need to work towards. Tell her that it would be unfair TO HER to just drop her in the middle of your family dynamic and expect everything to be okay.
But reassure her that it’s something you want to work towards. So, mostly NTJ, but a tiny element of ESH does exist.” seregil42
2. AITJ For Refusing To Travel With My Wife To Visit Her Grandmother?
“My wife (Anna – fake name) is mad at me because I didn’t go with her to see her family. For context, her Grandma is old and not doing well (87 years+). There have been multiple times where she has had health scares.
Anna is EXTREMELY close with her Grandma. This means that if Anna’s Grandma was close to death, we would both go visit her in a heartbeat. One more point before I get into my story: My wife gets an idea in her head, and it isn’t coming out.
She likes to travel together. 99% of the time, I travel with her when she requests it. Anna and I just got back from a major trip with my family (expense-wise). It was a very tiring trip. I am already trying to start a business that isn’t going super well, and money stresses us both out (even though we have plenty compared to 95% of people our age).
After having a stressful conversation about money, Anna and I decided we weren’t going anywhere after this big trip. I forgot that we had to go visit her family the next weekend. I tried to get out of it – not because I didn’t want to go, but because of stress.
She point blankly refused and made me go. We had a fight. I told her that after that weekend trip, I was not going anywhere else. I needed to focus on my business, and maybe get a part-time job.
Fast forward to this weekend, and she said that she wanted to go visit her Grandma again.
I told her that this really wasn’t a good week, and put my foot down. Anna claimed that it was horrible I didn’t want to see her Grandma, as she might not live to see next week. Knowing there are no unusual concerns regarding her Grandma’s health (aside from being frail and very old), I said that I couldn’t make it work, as I needed to work.
She got very upset and said I would rather drink with my family (which is FALSE, as I never have more than two beers a month on average) than go see her dying Grandma. I even offered to drive multiple hours for a day trip tomorrow to see them both, to which she refused.
Now, she is canceling future trips to see my family because I am not going this weekend. No, I would never divorce Anna – I love her until I die, but I just want to know if I am the bad guy. I know that it is more about Anna wanting me to be with her than her Grandma.
If it was about her Grandma, she would’ve accepted my offer to drive down alone to meet them. So my question is AITJ for putting my work above another weekend being gone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Unless somebody said so, Grandma isn’t dying. If your wife really wants to visit her, she has to learn to go by herself.
She’s not a child who needs to be accompanied all the time. Also, your not going with her shouldn’t be misconstrued as being unemphatic as you’ve gone with her plenty of times.” DestronCommander
Another User Comments:
“YTJ so your business isn’t doing well, and you were fine with an expensive trip to your family but just can’t handle a trip to her family?
You literally had this planned. You didn’t ‘put your own’ you backed out of already agreed-upon plans. I wouldn’t be doing another trip to your family until I got a trip to my family, either. How convenient that you’re all traveled out now, but you’ll be ready in time for more of your family.” [deleted]
1. AITJ For Giving An Honest Reference For My Ex-Friend?
“My ex-friend (Lilly) and I quit talking a few years ago. I am still friends with her baby daddy (Mark) and she still claims to be friends with my husband (Jack)
Lilly lost the job she had a few months back. Since then Lilly and Mark have been surviving off Mark’s job only. I’ve spoken to him several times in the past few months and he has repeatedly mentioned not being able to afford things for their baby because of this.
Last week Mark approached me asking if Jack had changed numbers. I told him yes and he asked if he could have the new number. I questioned why he wanted it because in the past 3 years, he has never tried to contact Jack directly beyond saying hi if he sees him outside despite having his number that entire time up till the past few months when we had to change it.
Mark admitted it was actually for Lilly so she could use my husband as a job reference. They used to work together years ago and he was even her supervisor for a short time. I told Mark that they didn’t need Jack’s number and that he would NOT be helping Lilly with a reference.
Mark then asked if Lilly could use me as a personal reference since we were close friends for about 4 years. I said no. He called me a jerk and walked off. I thought that was the end of it.
Yesterday I got a call asking if I knew Lilly and would say she was a good worker/reliable person.
I said I did know her but that from what I knew in the over 6 years of knowing her she was not a good worker or reliable person in or out of work. The caller asked a few more questions which I answered honestly mostly about her being on time to things (she was always late even to events held at her own house/hosted by her) and following through on promises made (she never did).
He also asked a few questions about what I knew of her work habits and I told him I had never worked with her personally but I’d always heard horrible things about her from the people I know that did work with her.
Today Mark stopped me when he saw me checking the mail and asked if someone had called me for a reference for Lilly.
I told him yes and that I was honest with the guy. Mark said she had just gotten the call that she didn’t get the job and I replied that I wasn’t surprised with how he reacted to the negative things I said. Mark then went off on me calling me a jerk and a jerk for not being nice when I knew it was for a job that they needed. I told him he should have gotten her to use one of her friends as a reference instead of me and he again called me a jerk and said it was my fault she didn’t have any friends really anymore (most of them took my side when they found out why I quit talking to her) and that if I wasn’t willing to be nice I should have just let my Jack give the reference.
I do feel for their baby with them having financial problems but that’s not my problem and I told him I wouldn’t give a reference for her so I don’t know what he expected.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You never list somebody as a reference without asking first, and this is why.
If they had asked you up front, you would have had the opportunity to tell them honestly that you would not provide a positive reference. They just sprung it on you and had to find out after the fact. ” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ A similar thing happened to me and I made the place promise they wouldn’t tell her what I said.
I said I think the best words for her are unreliable. I didn’t tell any stories or give any examples because it’s not necessary and you could get yourself in trouble. I never told her about it. Because she’s the type of person who would get revenge by slashing my tires or something.
Be careful and make sure you know who you’re dealing with. The person I’m talking about got mad and shot her partner with a gun. Of course, they eventually got kicked out and everywhere they go, they get kicked out for bad behavior and not following the rules.” INFJPersonality-52
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Never lie when asked to give a reference. It might come back and bite you in the you-know-what sometime in the future. On the other hand, since you never actually worked with her, did you really have to be quite so explicit about her shortcomings?
Couldn’t you just have said that you had never worked together, just were friends or acquaintances a while ago? I think that is what I would have done. I wouldn’t lie for anybody, and I wouldn’t put unnecessarily many obstacles in their way either. I think you were somewhat of a jerk for doing that.” FragrantEconomist386
