People Rock The Boat With These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Cutting Off A Friend For Spreading My Breakup Gossip?
“My ex-partner and I had been in a relationship for six years and living together for three years. I’ve been unhappy in our relationship for the past few months and finally decided it was time to break up with him. I broke up with him last week, and it’s been extremely painful ever since.
There have been a lot of tears and conversations, and trying to navigate moving out on top of everything has been very challenging. For context, I love my ex very much, but I felt breaking up was my only choice if I wanted to be happy as things were not getting better.
On to the story! One of my friends had a bridal shower this weekend, and I could not be more excited for her. My ex-partner and I have been good friends with this person and their fiancé — we have even gone on vacations together. My friend is aware of my breakup and has seen firsthand how much I have agonized over this decision.
When I arrived at her bridal shower yesterday and started greeting other guests, I quickly realized that somehow everyone in the room already knew about my breakup. Throughout the night, I was approached by multiple people, even ones I barely know, who offered their condolences, told me they were “proud” of me, asked how my apartment search was going, and prompted me for details about my breakup and the impending move.
The MOH even pushed for details multiple times in front of the bride’s family, even though I was very clearly trying to navigate away from the subject. The whole night felt like one of those scenes in high school when you walk into a room and notice people looking at you as if they’ve just been whispering about you.
I played it off as best as I could and tried to change the subject whenever possible. Apart from that, I would say the evening went fine and everyone had a lovely time celebrating the bride.
However, since getting home yesterday, I can’t help but feel really betrayed. It feels like my friend used my painful breakup as gossip and shared it with a lot of people who shouldn’t know my personal business, especially since I’m not close with them in any way.
Both my ex-partner and I are real people with real feelings and our pain shouldn’t be used as party gossip. I’ve also started receiving texts from people who attended the party, informing me that they’ve “heard” what happened and asking how I’m doing. While I understand their intentions are positive, this feels very invasive.
These are her friends, not mine. I would have understood her sharing this with her partner or even a close mutual friend of ours, but this was much bigger than that.
I texted her today and told her I could no longer be her bridesmaid or friend.
Both she and the MOH think I overreacted. Now I’m second-guessing my decision and worried I was too rash — I just simply can’t imagine treating a friend this way when they feel so vulnerable. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You are valid in feeling how you feel.
That was definitely a betrayal of trust. While I’m inclined to say you are NTJ, I will say, if only as a consolation, I find it reassuring they were approaching you with condolences and well wishes. While this is NOT justification for that betrayal of trust, the core of gossip is inherently not empathetic and is passed around like a hot potato with the intent to sabotage a person’s image to deflect the spotlight off one’s own life and misgivings.
This does not sound like your friend disclosed the details of your breakup with the intention of hurting you but rather making your situation aware to others so that they will be understanding and empathetic, especially if in the aftermath of your breakup it’s taking a physical toll on you which can be observed by them perhaps in your body language.” Loud_Bit_4889
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ here, in the true sense – you’re not a jerk but your perception is off here. I get not wanting to feel like people are talking behind your back. But the reality of the world is, you exist in the minds of people even when you’re not in the room.
Not every time someone talks about you when you’re not in the room is malicious betrayal gossip – sometimes it’s just news. It’s pretty common for bad news to be shared by someone other than the one it’s happening to. Would you rather those people asked about your ex-partner and you had to repeatedly break the news to each of them individually?
I get that you’re feeling raw right now and are more likely to take things personally, and it sounds like you’re a lot like me, in that when things like this are happening you want to have control over as much as possible. But is it possible that your friend was trying to spare you pain?” Meloetta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have strict boundaries and that is good. I don’t know why everyone is acting like you’re the jerk… the literal whole party was told about your breakup when you only told your friend. I get maybe her and a few family members saying ‘I’m sorry, how are things going?’ since they would be the ones closest. I would be uncomfortable if I told one person and then 10+ knew about it.
Everyone saying you’re the jerk would also feel iffy if someone they knew had that done to them, no matter the gossip, because who wants everyone knowing their business? Also, everyone saying maybe she told them so they can be mindful… yeah, mindful means not bringing up the breakup that is obviously raw, not telling everyone, and then everyone keeps bringing up the raw topic.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Telling My Siblings That Our Sister Stole Our Inheritance?
“Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to ask my sister many times about probate (which she refused to do with excuses that there wouldn’t be enough money to recover to make probate worth it) and she’s also been asked multiple times about a specific inheritance my mother came into when my mother was actively dying.
When I discovered the circumstances and amount of the money left, it was obvious my sister (the executor, the POA and caretaker) hid this from us and that it would’ve been a life-changing amount of money for each of the beneficiaries on my mother’s will, which states equal splits.
We are going to confront her about this and give her the opportunity to fess up and make right to each sibling with the remaining amount and not even be penalized for what she’s spent, so long as she’s compliant and upfront. Honestly, I just feel like a jerk wishing there was another way to handle it and fearing she’ll always resent me for outing this secret.
AITJ for not giving her a chance to fix it before sharing info with my siblings, even though she’s already lied so many times about it and I didn’t feel she’d admit it in this approach?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should not only tell your siblings first, but you should also (all of you) contact your own probate lawyer for advice before speaking to your sister.
“AITJ for not giving her a chance to fix it before sharing info with my siblings.” You have already given her a chance. She has had many chances, the many times you’ve asked and she’s lied. I am the administrator for my mother’s estate as well, and we are going through probate currently.
It’s extremely nice of you to even offer her the opportunity to confess. I would be so freaking ashamed of myself if I did this to my sisters. All of you should be on the same page. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you, and of course, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother as well.” NoSalamander7749
Another User Comments:
“For starters, your sister does not get to decide what goes to probate and what doesn’t. That’s governed by state law. Generally, if there is a direct beneficiary of a bank account or retirement account that wouldn’t go through probate.
However, if she didn’t have direct beneficiaries on those accounts, and/or for all other assets like homes, cars, possessions, etc., if she just listed who gets those in her Will, it has to go to probate. Your sister does not get to make that decision.
You need to do a search to find out which court in your county and state handles estates and contact them. Ask them what the procedure is for requiring that the executor files an accounting for the estate. The accounting will have to specify all assets at the time of death, bank accounts, homes, possessions, etc., and what the executor has done with them.
Technically your sister was supposed to file a copy of the Will with the court to obtain death certificates to even be able to access any funds. If she didn’t do this she could be in a lot of legal trouble. If she filed the Will, the court is now officially aware of the Will and can require her to submit the accounting – which must show the court exactly what the Executor has been doing with the estate’s assets.
If you can, I strongly suggest that you get an attorney or at least consult with one.” Hope-maaven2378
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This exact same scenario happened to my dad. He confronted his brother and gave him the opportunity to make it right by giving up his share of what was left of the inheritance.
In return, my dad wouldn’t tell the rest of the siblings and everyone could just move on. Siblings found out anyway and now none of them are speaking to my dad so he ended up the loser. He’s got cancer now and wants to speak to his siblings but they refuse to respond to him.
Tell your siblings.” Niffer8
20. AITJ For Skipping My Family Reunion To Attend My Best Friend's Wedding?
“My family has a big reunion every spring, and it’s always been a huge deal because it’s the one time everyone flies in from across the country.
We meet up at my grandparents’ old ranch, roast marshmallows, and catch up on everything going on in our lives. It’s been going on for about 20 years, and my parents expect me (25f) to be there every single year without fail.
But my best friend Jenny (26f) suddenly announced she’s getting married in two months.
Her fiancé got a great job offer overseas, so they moved up the wedding before they relocate. The only date available at their venue is the exact same weekend as my family reunion. Jenny asked me to be a bridesmaid, which we’ve literally talked about doing for each other since we were little kids, so I immediately said yes.
I didn’t even think about how my family would react.
When I told my parents and siblings I’d miss the reunion, they got really upset. My dad said he only sees certain relatives once a year at this event. My mom said I was basically ruining the family tradition.
Then my older brother called me selfish and warned me I’d regret missing these moments when our parents are gone one day. But this wedding really matters to me, and I know Jenny would be crushed if I wasn’t there with her.
I even offered to go to part of the reunion before flying out for the wedding, but my brother said there was no point in doing that for just one day and told me I had to pick family over everything else.
I hate the drama, but I also don’t feel right abandoning Jenny when this is such an important (and last-minute) thing.
So, am I the jerk for skipping my family reunion to be in my best friend’s wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Holding the “your parents will be gone one day” over your head when they are middle-aged and healthy and you will be missing ONE reunion is wild.
It’s manipulative, controlling, emotionally abusive, and I would back the heck awayyyy from this family because phew that is not healthy! Go to that wedding with a clear conscience and get yourself a good therapist to help you set healthy boundaries.” Foofieness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents can still go, your siblings can still go. You’re the only one who won’t be there and unless this is your family’s last reunion or one of your relatives has a terminal illness or someone having an accident, you’ll see them all next year.
I’m sure in the 20 years of having this reunion, there’s been one or two family members that have missed a reunion due to illness, work, a wedding, someone’s kid’s game, or SOMETHING.” Creative_Energy533
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Darn, OP. How did you get to be the linchpin of the family at such a young age?
Your dad says he only gets to see some of these people once a year — Are you tasked with holding his hand and escorting him from person to person? Your mother says you’re basically ruining a family tradition — If you have that power, tell ‘em you’re rescheduling to meet your needs and they had all heckin’ better show up.
Your brother says you’re selfish — What are you keeping from him (or anyone else)? Will people die if you’re not there? Must you be there to beam benevolently on everyone so they receive their blessing for the year? Jenny is your best friend and will be leaving the country soon.
Of course, you want to spend time with her and be there for her big day! Your brother is correct in that choosing family is important; however, family of the heart (i.e., your bestie Jenny, in this case) takes precedence over the family of blood (especially because you get to choose the family of your heart, and you get what you get by blood, which isn’t necessarily the best).” CrazyOldBag
19. AITJ For Claiming My Grandfather's Legacy To Gain Independence Against My Father's Orders?
“My (23F) paternal grandmother passed away last November and left her legacy to my grandfather.
My father has two other brothers and a sister, and I have three cousins: one who is still a child and lives with his parents (11M), one who is in college like me (21M), and another who moved out of his parents’ house and is working (25M).
For New Year’s Eve, my father went to see my grandfather and they had a discussion about the legacy. My father told me about my grandfather’s wish for some of the money to go to us, his grandchildren, to help us pay for our studies or rent.
He said that if my grandfather ever brought this subject up with me, I should answer with “you should give this money to your children, not your grandchildren,” and I don’t really know what to do about this.
My parents aren’t super wealthy, but we live comfortably, and I’m torn between accepting the money and letting them have it.
If I could have it, then I could move out of my parents’ house, rent a place, and finally become independent while continuing my studies. But I also don’t want to deprive them of it if it could help them in any way, or appear to be an ungrateful child.
I don’t know exactly how much money we’re talking about, but I think it could help me pay rent for the final year of my bachelor’s degree, and that would be a great plus. That would also mean I could finally get off my parents’ back and not make them pay for everything for me, but I’m not sure about it.
WIBTJ if I were to accept the money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That is not your father’s money and it’s not his choice. It belongs to your grandfather, and he can do what he wants with it. It’s not your place to dissuade your grandfather from doing what he thinks is right.
And as a parent, your father is despicable. I would be happy for my daughter to get help through inheritance if I am not able to pay for college or other big life purchases like a home.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but there are more options than ‘take it and leave’ or ‘give it to Dad.’ If that money is left to you, keep it.
But you can still use it to help your father. You can use it to buy all your own food and pay your own bills. It’ll help them directly by putting money back in their pocket. Additionally, that money will be used how you want it.
If you give it to them, it’s almost certain to be used on something ‘fun’ that Dad wants to do. Plus, if you take the money, you can always give it to them later. If you give it to them now, what are the odds you’ll ever see it again?” EggCartonTheThird
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is though. He’s actually attempting to steal money from his children and their cousins and has the audacity to not even feel bad about it. Telling you to help him steal? You’re only the jerk if you don’t make sure someone informs your grandfather.
I can’t even imagine how horrible it would feel knowing that your own children wouldn’t respect your last wishes because of greed. I don’t care if it’s 5 dollars or 5 million. Not honoring your loved one’s final wishes is a horrible thing by itself, but to do so to steal money—from your own child?
You need to make sure your brother, your cousins, and your grandpa know what is being planned behind his back. Sending you big mama bear hugs. It’s very brave for you to come forward. You’re strong. You’re amazing. You’re ENOUGH. Good luck.” _-Raina-_
18. AITJ For Requesting A Switch Back To Hourly Wages After Dad Underpays Me?
“Just started working for my dad last month after he told me his business was doing well and it’s a sector I have experience in.
He said it would be a lot of hours/hard work and I was happy to still start. The first month I worked 50+ hours per week and he paid in full (£12.50/hour).
At the start of this month he said he’d make me a director of the company as it meant paying me was more tax effective and that was fine with me.
Fast forward to today and I get my payslip and it’s only for £1900 for the month (at £12.50 per hour it should have been 2500+). So I sent him a text to let him know he had underpaid me and got a snarky text back about being on a £2000/month salary now.
This equates to under minimum wage as I worked 200 hours this month. When I said this to him he said he was “so disappointed” and made it out that I was being ungrateful for the opportunity to be a part of the business and that he worked 70+ hours per week setting the business up.
I asked him if I could switch back to per-hour wages instead of a fixed salary and he told me to find a new job. I don’t think he’s serious about this (I think maybe he’s just having a bad day or something), but I’m unsure what to do and his strong reaction makes me think maybe I am in the wrong?
Would love some advice.”
Another User Comments:
“If he made you a director, does this mean you also have a share allocation in the company? If it does then you should receive a dividend at some point, which is usually paid at a lower tax rate.
This is how a lot of contractors work – they have a limited company and pay themselves a low wage, but then they take a regular dividend from the company.” Another_Random_Chap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your dad switching you to salary to effectively pay you less than minimum wage is pretty sketch, not gonna lie.
It’s like promising someone a chocolate sundae and then handing them a bowl of plain yogurt. You were right to bring it up, especially if it’s affecting your wallet and well-being. Business is business, but that shouldn’t come at the cost of fair pay.
Maybe sit down with him on a good day and try to talk it out? But keep your CV ready, just in case this director gig doesn’t include the perks of family harmony.” GiaMarilyn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The fact that YOUR OWN FATHER is doing this to you is crazy.
You’re being completely taken advantage of. If he did not explicitly provide you with the information about your new role, its responsibilities, expected workload/hours, pay, etc. in an official and written contract, he’s screwing you over big time. Him supposedly working 70+ hours a week to start and grow the business has nothing to do with you getting paid fair compensation for your time.
I don’t know how old you are, what the work is, but you are worth more than that. Your time and effort is worth more than that. Stand up for yourself, demand a conversation about your role and its compensation, and if the results aren’t to your satisfaction, leave.
It’s a good idea to have a plan in place, so start looking for a replacement job first, and have something lined up that you can go to.” authorizedscott
17. AITJ For Not Informing My Partner About My Period And Being Ridiculed For A Bed Accident?
“I was having a really bad cramp that day, and didn’t have a wearable pad, so I used the medium-sized ones with the wings.
Probably shouldn’t have, though, because it made a really big red spot on my partner’s sheets.
I eventually had to tell him. He didn’t seem angry, just had a “meh” face.
But after a few days, he constantly made fun of it with his friends and gave nicknames like “bed wetter” or some silly nicknames to shame me.
My friends support me, saying that he’s a jerk, but kids are giving me weird looks now.
When I confronted him about it, he told me that I should have informed him about my periods in the first place, and now I’m starting to think he’s right.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“My wife doesn’t tell me when she has her periods. None of my partners before her did either. I don’t think my sister or mom ever made announcements on this to anyone. I don’t think any woman should have to make an announcement on that.
It’s no one’s business but the woman’s. This kind of accident happened to my wife recently. It was the middle of the night, and the only things we said to each other were about what we needed to do. I cleaned the bedroom and sheets and brought her some clean clothes while she got cleaned up in the bathroom.
I’ve never made fun of my wife or daughter for these accidents. Crap happens. If my son ever makes fun of his partner for something like this, I will dress him down! It’s not how you treat your partner, ever. NTJ, your partner sure is though.” HarveySnake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Men who shame and make fun of women for physically having bodily functions they can’t control don’t get to enjoy any parts of being with or around women. Does he think it makes him a man to demean his partner to other men?
If his friends aren’t putting him in his place and correcting him, then you know he’s worthless and so are they. If he insults you, demeans you, and makes fun of you, he doesn’t get to enjoy any parts of your body that make you a woman.
If he’s comfortable saying that around you and in front of you, he’s saying much worse in secret. Move on and find someone who, in reaction, will comfort you, support you, and be there to clean up for you. A true partner would have asked what you needed: supplies, snacks, or goodies from the store, a massage, a bath, cuddles, and cleaned up.
They would never behave in such an abhorrent manner. Good luck, and may your next relationship be one of true respect and love!” One_Yak8698
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Accidents happen, and your partner’s reaction was immature and disrespectful. The fact that he wasn’t initially upset but then started making fun of you publicly is a huge red flag.
There’s nothing shameful about having a period, and the way he handled it—mocking you in front of others and giving you degrading nicknames—is straight-up mean. You don’t owe him a ‘heads-up’ about your period in advance, and it’s ridiculous for him to suggest that.
You deserve a partner who treats you with basic respect, not someone who humiliates you for something completely natural. Your friends are right—he’s a jerk here.” Reddit User
16. AITJ For Demanding My Wife's Sister Either Contribute Or Leave?
“My wife’s sister and three kids moved in a year ago. She was going through a bad spot in life.
Failed marriage and the next guy was a piece of work, being unfaithful with two families.
My wife insisted we help and that it was only temporary while she got a job and some sort of living situation. I was completely against it, but this was my wife’s sister.
I should have put my foot down, but I was empathetic to her situation as well.
Up until three or four months ago, my wife and I were struggling to get by. All the extra people living under the same house had us almost exhausting our savings and going further into debt.
Food, bills, gas, and emergencies added up.
We had a sit-down discussion with her: we needed her to start helping with food bills and everything. We cannot continue at the rate we were going. We pushed her to get a part-time job for reliable income while she works on the sales job in her spare time until it really kicks off more.
She applied for food stamps and started handling the food for everyone.
Last night, things went nuclear over no good reason. Long story short, she doesn’t want our help with her kids. She claims that our kids are a bad influence on hers. (I don’t see that… They have good grades and mostly have good manners.) My wife wants her out in three months or to start paying some bills or rent.
A little more info: She has a sales job. When it does well, it covers her bills. She has struggled with it to the point that they are micromanaging her to try and get her successful. Her adopted mother passed away last year; that was the only family she was “close” with.
She was door-dashing, but baby daddy #2 didn’t pay the loan and it was repossessed. She has no car, a job that could make serious money if she put in the work, and no close family besides us, to my knowledge.
Her biggest complaint is that we are unfair and we don’t help with groceries or cook.
My wife is repeatedly told that her food is bland with no flavor. I honestly prefer that. Food is fuel. I don’t cook. I’m a worse cook than my wife. My food ends up burnt but edible, and if someone sees me start dinner, I’m pretty much out of the kitchen.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you struggled to get by when she was in need, then you took an insane risk by helping her, while you are barely floating above the water. She was expected to get on her feet ASAP and start helping with the bills, and it seems she was ungrateful then just as much as she is now.
His deflecting on how your kids are a bad influence is nothing but disrespectful behavior in an attempt to give excuses for how bad she was and is now. I would have kicked her on the spot if I were you—giving her a maximum of two weeks’ notice, since currently, the survival of YOUR family comes first, and she clearly doesn’t give a hoot about you or your debts that were increasing because of her laziness and lack of caring.” edebby
Another User Comments:
“So, the sinking ship is now taking down your ship? NTJ. Look, my mother is the oldest of four girls. She was basically raised with the responsibility for the others, and when her mom died, she promised she would ‘take care’ of her sisters.
The two middle sisters… I can’t go into all of it. But they both ended up asking for help from my parents, and my mother, out of a sense of responsibility, refused to say no. She and my dad really hurt themselves financially for years—paying for things they shouldn’t have, for not saying no, etc. Both these sisters have since died, which sadly was a massive relief.
But then my dad passed away. And my mother is barely doing okay, but not as well as she should be because of everything she and my dad handed over to her sisters. Don’t sink yourselves to save her!!!! Especially when she actually doesn’t seem to appreciate all that you all do for her.” Fresh_Caramel8148
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Situations like this are why I would much rather be the ‘bad guy’ upfront. I would help with cash where possible, but I’m not moving anyone into my house. For me personally, my house is my refuge. It’s where I feel comfortable and where I need peace as a general starting point.
When you let someone into that, it rarely goes well. People become entitled. People don’t feel like they need to put in extra work to get themselves off their feet because you are covering for them. And when it eventually gets to the point that you are at here, it very likely can significantly affect the relationship between people and their views of each other.
When you are putting your own financial health and the health of your own relationship on the line, you need to be better protected. This sister doesn’t care to help herself because she knows she has a cushy situation. Good luck, OP.” TheDarkHelmet1985
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Elderly Mother Live With Us In Canada?
“I currently live in Canada but I am originally from an Eastern country where taking care of your parents, particularly when they become elderly, is a must. My mother, 65, who now lives alone in my home country, insists that I do everything to bring her to live with me and my family.
She wants to live with us even though she doesn’t get along with my wife. There were conflicts between them in the past, often because my mother felt she could tell us how to live our lives.
Am I the jerk for not being super thrilled about bringing my mother here and having her live with us?
In addition to anticipating frequent arguments and irritation, I know there is almost no chance for her ever to become a citizen or qualify for healthcare insurance here. She does not speak English and has not tried to learn it. This means that I will have to pay a lot of money for her healthcare-related costs down the road.”
Another User Comments:
“If your mom wouldn’t qualify for citizenship and healthcare and doesn’t have the financial means to overcome those obstacles, her best quality of life will likely be remaining in the country where she has access to healthcare, speaks the language, and is familiar to her.
At her age, if she relocates to Canada, she’s going to rely on you and your wife for everything as she won’t be able to integrate into society if she doesn’t speak the language.” Disastrous_Photo_388
Another User Comments:
“Don’t do it!
She will destroy your marriage and family and finances. Your wife will never tolerate it. She will leave after a couple of months and I wouldn’t blame her. You can’t afford to pay full price for medical care. It will bankrupt you. It’s your wife’s money too.
Try to find some way to have your mother continue living where she is. 65 is not that old. It’s not like she is 75. I take it she never worked. It sounds like she just expects someone to take care of her. Do you have siblings who can help?
I would look into what is available for elderly services in her home country. It’s a bit early at 65. Wait until she is in her 70s and really needs help. Good luck.” Legitimate-March9792
Another User Comments:
“That’s really hard. We’re soon to be faced with the opposite problem- our parents live in Canada and we emigrated to a European country.
Would she qualify for a visa to Canada? Could you build a granny flat in your back garden for her? Could she sell off assets to offset the cost of her healthcare? My feeling is that you don’t abandon the family that raised you, but you set and maintain healthy boundaries.
Just a thought though… Have you brought her to Canada for a visit in the dead of winter? Maybe organize a wee problem with your heating during her visit. And your car, so you’ll need to take the bus around with her. And maybe your kids won’t eat Asian food so you guys only eat western burgers, pizza and bland pork chops with frozen vegetables… The problem might just resolve itself…” Difficult_Pride_6906
14. AITJ For Commenting That I Could Tell My Date Wasn't Local Because Of His Accent?
“I am legally blind. I have RP (retinitis pigmentosa) and, in addition, approximately -4 on both eyes. I am able to type this with both the speech-to-text function and various other assistance functions.
In real life, I wear a cane, but otherwise, I am independent.
Now, I say this not as an excuse, but to justify and underline my side of this story.
My (24F) friend suggested setting me up on a blind date (haha), and I agreed. She gave me his (m26) name, and we agreed on when and where to meet.
It was a nice and warm day, although a little snowy, so I decided to get there a little early in case it would be hard for me to navigate on my own. I found the restaurant (I’ve been there before) and sat down at the booked table.
The guy shows up and we start chatting. I pick up on a slight accent and ask where he is from. Now, here is where I might be the jerk due to my phrasing.
He laughs and tells me he’s “local.”
And I giggle and push it a little more, saying, “Haha, no, I can tell you’re not from here.”
The guy stops laughing, silently gets up, and leaves. I’m confused and sit there for a few minutes waiting in case I misunderstood the situation and he went to the bathroom or something, but he doesn’t come back, so I pay for the drinks and cancel the food before getting up and walking out.
I call the friend who set us up once I’m home, and she tells me “he thought you acted like such a jerk.”
Apparently, I was as rude as heck, racist, and was looking at anything but him during the conversation. I am so confused. The last part I can understand, as being blind makes it hard to know what I am looking at, but the rest leaves me super confused.
Here’s where I could be the jerk. My friend also explained to me during our call that he is from the same country as I am (although from the region where another language is spoken), but he is dark-skinned and was adopted from birth. Have I accidentally said something racist?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“A very gentle YTJ. It’s not about skin color. You pointed out his accent, which was fine, but doubled down when he said he was local. It’s not about race, necessarily. But it was an indication (some would call it a microaggression) that you considered him to be an outsider.
This happens to Asian folks all the time. Where are you from? Boise. But where are you really from? Maybe racism isn’t the right word for it, but it is an act of exclusion that can be quite hurtful. Although you had no bad intent, I’m sure he gets that nonsense often.
He was within his rights to nope out of the interaction.” tinyahjumma
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. One – your friend is a jerk for not fully explaining that you’re blind to him. I think that could have completely changed this entire sequence of events. Also, it is fair to assume that something that important would have been mentioned in advance.
Your friend sounds like she’s not good at setting up a blind meeting! Two – your friend very likely had a go at you because she feels bad for her part in this but doesn’t want to admit to it. So it’s easier to take it out on you than admit she messed up.
Three – other commenters are judging you for what you wrote about what you said to him. You already clarified to us that English is not your first language. So people judging based on English nuance is just bananas. Four – your date could have asked you about the eye contact which could have allowed this to be ironed out without offence.
Five – you’re from a multilingual country. French and German are very different languages and therefore the impact on accent is quite significant. I’m assuming you’re Swiss and so you could reasonably have expected him to be German or maybe even Austrian. Six – I understand being a POC is met with a lot of racism surrounding belonging to your own country (personal experience), so I don’t judge him at all and his reaction is totally understandable.
He didn’t know you were blind so your comment could have come across as racially charged. But you said he “sounded” like he wasn’t from there, which is different from saying he “looked” like he wasn’t from there. Which admittedly is a small nuance, but for someone who is blind it’s a pretty significant difference.
Overall, I find that your friend is the jerk here and you and your date are innocent bystanders who were caught up by a lack of information.” TBHOnlyHereForAITA
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Based on OP’s other comments, I assume they’re in Switzerland. As someone living in Switzerland, this is very important context for two reasons.
The first is that the country is split into three (technically four, but mostly three) linguistic regions. She mentioned she’s in a German region, but he had a French accent – this is very different than asking somebody with a foreign accent the same question.
The second is that Switzerland is a very socially conservative country and does not handle disabilities well at all. It’s very easy to imagine OP’s friend not mentioning it because it would be ‘too awkward’ and her date not knowing how to handle it. What would actually be more surprising in the Swiss context is if this was handled well.
Basically, OP, with the information you’ve given us, in the Swiss context you’re NTJ.” SeeCaleighC
13. AITJ For Telling My Dad Off For Sharing My Cake?
“Recently, I baked a cake for my father because his birthday was coming up and I intended to share it between him and me. I got mad at my brothers for something they did, so I really didn’t want to give them any cake.
I came home to see that much more of the cake had been eaten.
So, I asked my dad about it and he said he shared it with my brothers. I got irritated that he did that (also, I told my brothers that if they ate it, they owed me money, as I am a broke high school student), so I went to my brothers’ room and asked them for money, and they denied responsibility for eating and said that it was okay because my dad gave it to them.
I got angry at him because I told him that I didn’t want them to have any of it. He said he wanted to repair the relationship between me and my brothers by sharing something that I had made. I don’t think that it’s his business to do that.
He didn’t seem to understand, so I kind of told him off about the cake and how it hurt my feelings. He still did not care. He felt like it was something too useless to even talk about.
Am I the jerk for telling him off about the cake I made?
Also, for reference, every single time I get mad or tell him off, he just says “I’m sorry that YOU got offended” and never owns up to his actions.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It was a gift for your dad. Your dad did something that brought him joy.
Stop making it about you. Your dad is responsible for teaching you how to have healthy relationships and to overcome things. It sounds like he was trying to help you even on his birthday. If your brothers make things about your feelings, then find a way to communicate that if he cares about your feelings, he may want to not just apologize for your feelings but also for how his actions made you feel.” November-8485
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Hun, you sound very young by your post. Attaching strings to gifts is rude. If you’re going to do it, you need to let them know of the strings beforehand so they can decline if they want to accept it, as is their right.
You baked a cake for your dad’s birthday. Cool, that was really sweet of you. After you gave your dad the cake, it no longer belonged to you. Your dad chose to share his gift with your brothers. He likely did not intend to demean or diminish the value of your gift, but you came into the house steaming mad, confronting everyone, over an issue that is likely as petty as this one… and what was the reward?
Your father was irritated with you! I understand you didn’t think your brothers deserved cake, but you’re not their parent or guardian in any sense; y’all are siblings, not each other’s bosses. And no, it isn’t your dad’s duty to fix your relationship with your brothers, but he did it anyway because he likely wants a calm house on his birthday and for his children to get along.
I’m sure that you didn’t approach them calmly either. In the future, I strongly suggest you work on some calming techniques and evaluate if things like this are worth putting in the effort to get upset. One of the things I typically ask myself when I feel ready to risk it all is, ‘Am I going to remember this in five years?
Will it matter?’ The answer is usually no. Most things aren’t worth it. Disrespect is worth addressing, but not with more disrespect or bratty behavior, which is all you were offering. People are allowed to feel differently from you; you don’t have to like explanations being offered all the time.” EJ_1004
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As others have already pointed out, you made the cake for your dad, so it’s his cake. Additionally, it sounds like you were trying to use this gift to require him to be mean to his sons, which is a terrible thing to do.
You weren’t just being nasty yourself; you were trying to make him be nasty too. If you gave me a cake but said that taking it means I have to be nasty to someone else that I don’t want to be nasty to, I’d tell you where you could shove your cake.
Stop trying to control your father’s relationship with his other children.” calling_water
12. AITJ For Calling Out My In-Laws For Ignoring My Sons?
“My husband and I have been married for over 8 years, and we have been together for almost 10 years. I have 2 sons from a previous relationship.
His mother and siblings don’t ever acknowledge my kids’ birthdays but expect me to acknowledge their kids’ birthdays and attend celebrations for them.
I always make sure to give gifts and show up. It’s not about gifts, but at least acknowledgment would be nice. At Christmas, my MIL gives tons of gifts to my SIL’s daughters but doesn’t even acknowledge my sons at all. For context, my sons are 14 and 16.
They are polite and respectful kids.
My sons have pointed out that my husband’s family treats them differently than their step-cousins.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for being upset. The thing about people in general is that you can’t force anyone to do anything.
That also goes with how people decide to spend their money. Unfortunately, there are people who won’t expand their hearts beyond seeing only blood relatives as family. You’ve expressed your feelings on behalf of your children and they don’t seem to care.
You should distance yourself and your kids from his family for a while. If your husband has a problem with it, then explain that you’re not going to be a doormat and play nice with his family while they make your kids feel “othered.”” Leogirl08
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This kind of happened to me. I have a 12-year-old from a previous relationship, and I’ve been with my husband for 6 years now. His parents acknowledge my son and always attend birthday parties, but at Christmas, he would get one cheap gift while everyone else is opening 10–12 gifts.
I finally said something this year that started a huge argument between my husband and me. Especially since we just had a baby (first baby for in-laws) who got majorly spoiled. And I said, “What would you like me to tell him? You don’t count because you’re not their blood?” He was shocked and quiet and FINALLY saw my point.
Either something needs to be said or I will stop allowing your children to be present at these events where they are not acknowledged. And I’d stop buying gifts for everyone else.” Away-Zucchini-8383
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but … Screw your husband for not pulling his family into line.
Screw your husband for making your kids feel “less than.” Screw your husband for still providing for your in-laws’ birthdays while neglecting and dismissing your children’s feelings. My husband and I are mid-divorce. His parents made a point of phoning our oldest and letting them know that child is still their first grandchild, still part of their family, and still loved despite not being “blood.” Do better for your kids or you WILL be the jerk.
Be the bigger person for your kids and either advocate for them to be treated well or stop you and your kids from going to the in-laws. Your husband can explain that you guys are no contact to stop the emotional abuse.” EastPirate6505
11. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit During A Family Emergency?
“Right now I feel bad about this situation while also feeling some resentment towards my family.
My sister lives about 20 minutes from me, near our parents. There was a family emergency where she needed to meet my parents at the hospital, and taking her kids wasn’t an option.
She called me up at 6:45 PM on her way to my apartment to tell me she needed to drop off the kids quickly and run.
I tried to tell her that I was not in the right condition for that. She told me it was an emergency and she had no other option. I begged her to call her mother-in-law. She said that wouldn’t work.
When she showed up, she stepped inside my apartment to hand off her kids.
As I told her, I wasn’t in the right condition for this. My friend and I had been celebrating her new job. My sister was shocked and disgusted and dragged her kids off, but not before telling me what a pathetic loser she thinks I am.
She ended up texting me a novel about how disappointed she is, how upsetting it is for her kids to have walked into my apartment reeking of substances, how I’m 27 and should be over that phase of my life, etc. She ripped into me for still living with 5 roommates, not having a car, and all this other stuff.
It was deeply hurtful and I just apologized for not being able to help her and the kids.
Of course I had no idea there could be an emergency like this, but you never know. That’s why it’s an emergency. Yes, I live with 5 people, but they are my friends and we need each other to afford to live here.
I don’t have a car because I can’t drive. It’s not a crime to smoke once in a while.
My sister said she was so disgusted with me that she brought my parents into it. They have all banded together to let me know what a piece of crap I am for not living up to anyone’s expectations.
I do feel a little bit defensive because I had no way of knowing this would happen.
So I guess my question boils down to: Am I the jerk because I was not ready for an emergency at my big age of 27? Did I really let my family down?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why in the world would your sister think your home with 5 other people was even an option for childcare? It should’ve been obvious that she needed to find different options. You literally told her you were smoking. And there was really nothing preventing her from taking the kids with her.” IAmTAAlways
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did in fact act responsibly here by informing your sister that you didn’t feel comfortable caring for her children while intoxicated. Your parents’ and sister’s grumbling has nothing to do with the emergency (surely they don’t expect that no adult should ever be intoxicated or otherwise unavailable at a moment’s notice).
Instead, they’re just using this as an occasion to let you know that they disapprove of your lifestyle. I guess you can do with that revelation what you will, but living with roommates and smoking certainly does not make you a jerk.” Jyqm
Another User Comments:
“She forced her way into your house when you told her that wasn’t an option, that’s on her. My parents lived hours away from all of our family, they had no family to dump me on in case of emergency and, guess what, they were able to deal with crap.
It’s not your obligation to change up your life because your sister has kids. Unless the kids are extremely small, there’s no reason they can’t be at a hospital and sit in a waiting room. NTJ for smoking, but they’re definitely jerks if they’re banding together to tell you how crappy you are for smoking and having roommates at the age of 27 freaking years old.” NoHorseNoMustache
10. AITJ For Not Feeding My Mom's Kids When I'm Buying My Own Food?
“My mom and I recently got into a fight about paying for meals for her three kids if I buy food for myself. Since I have a job, she says I’m inconsiderate and have no empathy.
Backstory: Last year, my mom quit her job for mental health reasons, and I had just started working two jobs—not for the family, just for me—to start saving for my own apartment.
Meanwhile, when I’m buying food for myself, I sometimes buy pizza for them if my mom doesn’t feel like cooking or is burnt out or ill. I offer some of my food to them or to my mother. And if I don’t have enough, I’ll buy food for myself but eat in an area where they don’t see me.
Here’s where I may be the jerk. We started off the argument calmly and casually, and then it got deeper when she called me inconsiderate for not buying them food because she said it takes a family to take care of a village, and that she will not be here forever and that she wants to make sure the kids will be fine when she isn’t living.
(Mind you, the argument is about food.) I told her that it’s not my responsibility to feed her kids and that it is her job and responsibility as a parent to feed them. I added that if she can’t, she needs to figure something out so that she can.
Also, may I add that I do occasionally buy her food when I have the money for it and when I’m buying some food with her in the car. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Are there no child support payments or a father in the picture?
Children being fed should always come first. It’s not expensive to make a grilled cheese sandwich or even pancakes — they may have little nutritional value, but at least they’re filling for their bellies. If your mom can’t step it up, get more money and feed her children who are only 6, 7, and 8, then they should be with people who will make sure they have food.
If her mental health is truly that bad, and she can’t feed her children and relies on her high school–age child, she has got to accept help from others and get her children a better life, even if that means they temporarily live elsewhere until she becomes more mentally stable.” DahliaRo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All these people asking for details – none of the answers even matter, because you are 100% correct. They are not your children; they are not your responsibility to feed and provide for. They are HERS. Not to mention the fact that you are still in HS and trying to save for your own future.
You won’t have much saved if you are stocking the pantry for a whole family. There are charitable organizations whose entire mission is to end childhood hunger. They provide meals or operate food pantries, etc. If your mom can’t work, the least she could do is find out what the local food charities are and get some food for her kids.
For goodness’ sake.” Lazy-Instruction-600
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your mom put herself in a situation to be supported by welfare. Hopefully, she is using her EBT benefits wisely and cooking for the family with these benefits. I grew up with a single parent of three, so I know there is food that requires preparation that is not too expensive.
My mom always fed us reasonably out of her meager pay. Your mom is wrong to guilt you into thinking you are never allowed to treat yourself with your earnings unless you treat the entire family. The situation the family is in is not of your doing, and you are not a co-parent who is responsible for providing for your siblings.
I don’t know anything about your mother’s claim of quitting her job due to “mental health” issues, but hopefully she’s not using that as an excuse to not work at all and instead rely on welfare systems and you to provide. It is wonderful for you to share when you can, but it is not your responsibility to provide the extras for the rest of the family.
You are still a child too and should be able to rely on your parents. Kudos to you for working hard to earn and save toward your dreams.” Realistic_Head4279
9. AITJ For Forwarding My Ex-Roommate's Mail And Letting Her Toll Fines Grow?
“My ex-roommate and I did not end on good terms. We were best friends, and I was looking to move out on my own.
When she suddenly lost her roommate, she asked me to move in with her. I told her I didn’t like her area and that I was looking elsewhere. Then, she decided to move out of her place and rent something with me instead. I agreed because we were very good friends, and the rent would be cheaper.
However, I made it clear that she needed to commit to the lease.
Three months into the lease, she suddenly left without saying anything. Of course, I was upset—I had to find a new roommate. A few months later, she apologized, and I accepted her apology.
During this time, she explained the reason she left, admitted it was her fault, and promised that this reason wouldn’t get in the way of our friendship. She also promised that whenever we met up, she wouldn’t bring this reason into the picture.
That turned out to be a lie.
Many of the things she promised not to do to rebuild our friendship, she did anyway, and I eventually decided to remove her from my friend group. Throughout this time, I repeatedly asked her to change her address, and I gave her her mail.
When she finally crossed a line I couldn’t tolerate, I just started forwarding her mail to her.
Now, a year later, the mail I forwarded never reached her because she never updated her address, and her toll fines accumulated to a pretty high amount.
My ex-roommate blames me because she didn’t get her mail and says she’s going to press charges against me.
I do feel bad, but she left that address over a year ago. I never felt it was my responsibility to manage her mail, and I simply didn’t want any more contact with her.
Am I the jerk? Because I forwarded her mail instead of texting her and letting her know that I was still receiving her mail?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow!! Your ex-roommate is toxic and manipulative. You seem genuinely and completely unaware. You need to find your inner monster and figure out when to appropriately release it.
I sense your ex-roommate knows you have no inner monster (you’re a ‘nice person’ to everyone) and is literally taking advantage of this fact. Your ex needs to take some personal responsibility, but based on what I know she will likely do this again – but to someone else.
Cut ties. Stop responding. And find your boundaries – without boundaries, and without an inner monster – I’m sad to say that you’re just a doormat – and everyone sees it. Stop lying down. Get up.” simulation07
Another User Comments:
“Had an employer I contacted that could avoid a penalty (government job) if they opened my letters and responded. They didn’t respond.
I ended up issuing a penalty. Finally, the employer called, enraged, several weeks after the appeal period had passed. Wanted to know why he didn’t know about the penalty. I told him I had sent several letters requesting info. He then said it was my responsibility to make sure he opened his mail.
He was an attorney. NTJ.” Itsme853
Another User Comments:
“LOL, ‘press charges’, even in the colloquial sense (citizens don’t press charges, prosecutors do), that is so ridiculous. She could try to sue you in small claims court. She likely won’t, because most people who threaten to sue don’t bother.
If she actually does, and you receive a summons, show up. That will prevent a default judgment against you, but it will also be worth it to watch the judge absolutely tear her a new one. ‘My former roommate didn’t properly forward my mail when I never updated my address’ is not going to sway a judge for one second.” ThisTooWillEnd
8. AITJ For Confronting My Roommate's Racist Friend Over Offensive Jokes?
“My roommate has a friend over about once a week. He used to be my friend, but we have grown apart.
Of course, I interact with him in passing when he is over, but from time to time he makes comments or “jokes” that I feel are problematic (racist). We are all white males, but my partner is black, and I don’t know if I’m overreacting and just always making things awkward by confronting him every time.
My roommate will chime in sometimes, but more often than not he will be silent while I try to explain and go back and forth with his friend. It makes things uncomfortable every time, and I would say it doesn’t bother me, but it has over time, and I guess that’s why I’m writing this.
Last “joke:”
“Hey I have a serious question and want to see your reaction. If I could turn you into a black man overnight, would that be considered black magic?”
I tried explaining two simple ways this could be taken as racist and told him I just don’t find it funny at all.
He always tries to explain after I stop laughing and brushing it off, but I finally stated that if he wouldn’t feel comfortable saying his jokes to a black man he doesn’t know, then it is probably not okay for him to be saying it at all.
As always, he acted confused and shocked. I don’t know if I’m being a jerk by speaking my mind and always making things an issue. My roommate is the one who has me questioning it. We have always been close, and he is an honest and genuine person, but can also be non-confrontational.”
Another User Comments:
“The guy telling the jokes is being a jerk and speaking his mind freely, you’re self-reflecting and worried that by doing the same you’re a jerk. The unfunny guy is not worried he’s in the wrong at all. Plus, he is in your home, so he should respect it.
You shouldn’t have to respect racism in any form in your place if you don’t want it; it’s not difficult to just not tell the unfunny joke. He might even find other ways to be funny. He sounds a bit cringe tbh.” herbieholloway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, though I don’t see any racism in that particular joke (but it is brutally unfunny). Overall, you’re entitled to interpret jokes how you want, and if he’s going to continue engaging specifically with you, then you have every right to tell him what you think.
It’s possible you’re oversensitive on this issue because of your partner, but even if that’s the case, it’s not the worst thing in the world to be oversensitive about. And it’d be one thing if you were interjecting yourself in their conversation to chastise them (in which case I’d say you’re kind of a jerk), but it sounds like this friend is going out of his way to engage you in humor he already knows you don’t enjoy the way he does.
I like all kinds of shocking, offensive humor. But I don’t subject people to it if I get the sense they won’t enjoy it.” EmotionalWishbone
Another User Comments:
“He’s fully doing this on purpose. I don’t know why they do it. Some people’s brains seem to crap the bed as soon as they see or think of BIPOC people.
They deal with it by having a “sense of humor”. I also don’t know how they can’t seem to connect the dots between thinking that crap is funny and actually being racist. Like, “Oh, it’s not that I’m making fun of them or thinking of them differently; it’s just that I’m constantly going out of my way to make jokes at their expense, and I think it’s hilarious, so entertaining, and also essential to my personality” … It’s the same point.
Thinking racism is funny, and being racist and thinking you’re funny. It’s blatant racism. The awe and bewilderment after being called on their crap is an attempt at manipulation or obfuscation of reality, and it usually works. So, thank you for that.” Maleficent-Petite616
7. AITJ For Telling My Husband I Don't Want To Watch Football With Him Anymore?
“My husband (28M) and I (32F) have been together for about 2.5 years.
He has always been a big NFL fan and has recently started getting more into college football. This man is kind, thoughtful, and very positive, all traits that attracted me to him and made me so very happy to marry him. But he is not the same person when he watches a football game he cares about.
My husband does not drink booze, and I’m very grateful for that. He has one NFL team and one college team he cares about. When any other teams are playing, his reactions are mild. But when his teams are playing, he becomes this negative, angry person I don’t recognize.
He will loudly hit things with his hands (the chair, the wall, the car if we’re driving), swear, yell personal and insulting comments at the TV, and be in an overall foul mood. Even if his team is winning, simple mistakes will result in a negative outburst from him.
I’ve never been afraid of him, even during his outbursts, but I definitely don’t want to be around it. And I think his pessimism and negativity during games are starting to change how I view him.
I LOVE football and I want to watch the games with him… But it’s just not fun anymore.
I chuckled the other day after a ridiculous mistake resulted in a turnover that meant our team would probably lose the game, and he got mad at me for laughing. I wasn’t laughing because we were going to lose; I was laughing because of how ridiculous the mistake was.
Meanwhile, he was yelling at the player and calling him an idiot, saying how he shouldn’t play football anymore. And somehow, I’m wrong?
I know my husband really wants me to watch the games with him. He’s told me many times that he feels so lucky to have found a wife who loves football and will watch the games with him.
Watching football used to be fun, but it’s not fun when I watch our favorite teams with my husband.
AITJ for telling my husband I don’t want to watch football with him anymore?”
Another User Comments:
“Avid football fan here… NFL and NCAA. I can get very animated…
as can my partner. But there’s a difference between ‘OMG was that the 3rd turnover in the first quarter????’ and what you’re describing. That sounds miserable. I know we can all be biased, but I’ve been watching games with my partner’s family regularly for a few years now (and occasionally before we partnered), so I feel confident in saying I must be pretty okay.
I don’t blame you. He needs to realize it’s a freaking game, and he’s not even playing! I take my football seriously, but… come on. It’s a game. Good luck.” mamachonk
Another User Comments:
“Honestly, just express exactly this to him: ‘Your reactions to your team losing are the only time I am ever around you, and you seem aggressive or mad, and I do understand that you are passionate about it and love that and love watching with you when things are going well or it isn’t a team you are invested in, but I don’t like seeing you upset or angry like that.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings. I will still watch with you, but if we start losing, I might just excuse myself. I love you.'” HavocIP
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I would express this to him. If he doesn’t realize how riled up and physical he gets and how scared it makes you, then nothing will change.
And if things don’t change, then maybe he should watch the game at a bar or with a friend and you can watch at home. Football or any sports game really gets men riled up. My dad was a very passionate NFL supporter and would take each loss, penalty, or screw-up personally.
It got so bad that we made him go to a bar to watch it so we don’t have to watch his tantrums.” BlacksmithOk2430
6. AITJ For Quitting Caregiving And Moving Out?
“I’m in a tough situation and need your input. My aunt suffered a stroke that left her paralyzed and in need of 24-hour care. I stepped up to be her live-in nurse, which meant quitting my job and canceling my birthday plans. I’ve been managing everything solo, while her granddaughter collected the caregiver’s check without actually assisting—leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities.
My aunt has three children who have refused to help at all or even compensate me for the care I’ve been providing. After months of disrespect and feeling completely burnt out, I’ve decided to move out and stop caregiving. Now I’m feeling guilty, but I can’t keep sacrificing my life for a situation that leaves me feeling undervalued. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been busting your butt for months, doing what others should’ve been helping with, and no one stepped up. It’s not selfish to step back and take care of yourself; it’s essential. If your family’s not going to respect your time and effort, you’re not obligated to keep giving it.” VenitaPinson
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Firstly, in no way, shape, or form did you have any obligation to take care of your aunt. The fact that you took care of her at all says a lot of good things about you. And having taken care of her does not mean that you need to continue taking care of her if you’ve had enough.
You need to walk. At some point, the state will get involved and she’ll get into a home. You can’t fix her kids; you can’t make them care; you can’t make them get involved; and you’ve done more than enough. Cut all of those suckers and losers out of your life; there’s no reason why this person’s been getting the check, and you’ve been living with it and putting up with it for so long that it was enabling their bad behavior.
You really need to stop doing that kind of thing. Don’t allow crap to happen around you, and if it does, stop it immediately. That’s what real character means: not going along with bad things.” R0ck3tSc13nc3
Another User Comments:
“OP, the daughter could fund your services from the check that the daughter is collecting, and yet she does not.
Whenever your aunt dies, that bunch will give you a week to move out so that they can sell the house. You don’t say how old you are, but you could be working somewhere and getting Social Security quarters toward your retirement, or you could actually get a job that will offer retirement benefits as well as healthcare.
Instead, you are working gratis with nothing to show for it. Inform the aunt’s kids that you are moving and leave them a list of instructions as to what medication, what times it’s given, etc.” briomio
5. AITJ For Fact Checking My Wife Instead Of Trusting Her?
“My wife and I have been married for 6 years now, and she keeps getting annoyed at me for googling or researching things when I find I might be incorrect or am incorrect about something, or when I’m curious about a statement my wife has said.
I know it’s probably not the best practice, but I have explained to her that I don’t do it to try to prove who is wrong or right; I’m just trying to improve my knowledge base and learn about something. I even tell her that I know and believe her, but that I want to know more or why I was wrong.
She just views it as if I do not trust what she says.”
Another User Comments:
“Please don’t do this to your wife. Even though you are not technically the jerk (the best kind of course), it is still really rude. If you think she is right 95% of the time, let.
it. go. You are creating ‘gotcha’ moments. Those are just terrible for married partners. If she is correcting you all the time, that is rude as well. We really don’t have enough information to give you a good opinion.” insurancelawyerbot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m a woman, and I look everything up, including fact-checking my own statements.
Is your wife worried about being proven wrong? Looking things up is a great way to verify info. There’s nothing wrong with that. Plus, you might learn something new. I’m always more suspicious of people who refuse to be fact-checked or verify accuracy.
Then it lets me know something is off.” DaxxyDreams
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Are you fact-checking her by saying crap like “Cottonmouths chase people!” or “Christianity stole the pagan holidays, Easter was about Ishtar” (both common myths that are easily debunked) or her saying logical, common sense things like “I don’t think it’s safe to leave that meat out on the counter overnight” and “I think my boss passed me over for a promotion because he’s a sexist and the new guy is his nephew” (both things that are probably true, and you lose nothing by believing her?)
Let me see if explaining it this way helps: I say to my husband, as we are making our morning coffee, “Refill the water on the Keurig, it glitches out if the water is too low,” and instead of doing what I ask he replies, “There’s enough water!” If he DOESN’T believe me and does what I asked, the Keurig will not have any issues.
Even if I was wrong, there is no harm in topping it up. I did the mental labor of remembering how it works, and he respected that and did as I asked, doing the physical labor to keep our interaction balanced. If he DOESN’T believe me, and I was right, I will have done the mental labor (remembering that the Keurig has a problem), the social labor (reminding him and arguing about it), more mental labor (troubleshooting the Keurig), and then physical labor (fixing the Keurig and topping it back up).
If he DOESN’T believe me and doesn’t do what I asked, and he was right, I will still have to top up the Keurig after the next cup, meaning I did the mental labor (remembering how the machine works), the social labor (reminding him and having him argue with me), and physical labor (topping up the machine).
So yeah. Are you correcting her on identifying a species of bird or disagreeing with her because you like telling her no?” CaffeinatedHBIC
4. AITJ For Not Returning My Ex's Child Support Money?
“I (26F) divorced my ex-husband (26 M) about four years ago.
We share 2 children, a son and a daughter. During our divorce hearing, we were able to work out custody, visitation, and child support arrangements. He agreed to give me full custody of the kids, and he would pay child support. After the divorce, he decided to up and move to Nashville to chase his “music career” that never existed. He managed to work his way up to almost $6,000 behind on his child support, went 7 months without a phone call or visit, and when he moved back, I let him start seeing the kids as soon as he asked (2 weeks after he arrived in our state).
I try to always remind myself that my relationship with him is not the kids’ relationship with him.
Anyway, fast forward to now, his grandfather has been paying his child support monthly (according to his grandmother and aunt) so that he doesn’t lose his license or go to jail.
He went out and got a job about 2 months ago, and the lady assigned to our case is great at her job, so even though he did not report his job, she knew he was working. His grandfather pays the monthly amount on the last day of every month, so I received December’s amount on December 31st. On January 3rd, I received another payment to that account, and approximately 30 minutes after the notification, my children’s father started calling me asking for the money back because it was a mistaken payment.
I simply explained that I couldn’t give the money back, but if he reached out to child support, I would be okay with them giving it back.
The conversation continues until he admits that they have started garnishing his wages. He proceeds to tell me that they took his entire paycheck, and that he can’t buy lunch or put gas in his car.
He wants me to “give $200 back” and he will “allow me to keep the extra $82.” I simply stated that I didn’t think it was fair to give the money back when they had credited his account for paying that amount. I also informed him that I do not use that card for personal reasons and all of the money is used on the kids’ wants and needs.
Both of my kids’ birthdays are in January. I had already told the kids that we would go to a water park for a weekend, so if I keep the money, that’s what it will be used on. He started calling me names and telling me that I’m impossible and never happy.
So, am I the jerk for not giving my ex-husband lunch money because he claims they took his whole check?”
Another User Comments:
“Okay HR Payroll person here… They did NOT take his whole check. They have garnished his wages and are deducting for back pay as well, but we always get a support notice that is limited in what we can deduct as they have to leave him so much to live off of.
He’s gaslighting you for more money. Also, now that he’s been served, if he quits to ‘run from the support’ he will lose his license and any tax returns he is supposed to get until back pay is completed and his support responsibilities are met!!!” Existing_Bedroom_496
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, they do not take his whole check. They never would. I think it is up to 30%, but it would be different everywhere… but NEVER the whole check. He is scamming you. Second, he doesn’t get to take money back that is spent on his kids.
No one does. Once it is gone, it’s gone. You owe him nothing. He owes your children so much. Crazy that he gets to go off and live single, follow his dreams, and leave you with all responsibilities, then have the nerve to come back and make demands.
You have been great in your responses. Keep them logical and try and keep your emotions out of it. They just fuel him. When it comes up again, I might respond with something like, “I’m sorry you are struggling, but you and I have separate lives, and I have nothing to do with your finances and you have nothing to do with mine.
I am 100% responsible for our children’s needs 100% of the time. Getting a little money from you helps, but I don’t count on it. When I get it, they get the extras they need right away. Sorry that left you strapped. I have been in your position many times over the years,” on repeat.” OhmsWay-71
Another User Comments:
“Not only do you not have to give him any money back, you do not have to answer his calls, and you can block his number. Ask his grandfather to be the mediator/go-between for visitation, since he seems to be the responsible one.
There are dads out there, divorced dads who pay child support, and also send extra for Christmas, school activities, etc. Child support is the bare minimum, not the whole amount. Your ex sounds a lot like my ex. I had to stop sending my kids on visits with pocket money because he would manipulate them into buying things for him instead of letting them get their own treats, with their own money, that did not come out of the child support that he didn’t bother to pay.
He’s spent the past 17 years working cash jobs that he wouldn’t report and then the bare minimum at the required job that they garnished his wages out of. He now no longer has to pay any child support, and he has a miserable life, no retirement, and will most likely drink himself to death before becoming homeless.
I always wished him well and hoped he would do better. He chose not to. My kids are all old enough now to realize with absolute horror what our lives would have been like had I stayed with him. We are all happy, successful, and living pretty exciting lives.
None of that would have been possible with him in our day-to-day, constantly taking from us and breaking us down. You owe him nothing and there isn’t anything you can do to make him a better man.” myselfasme
3. AITJ For Having A Drink Alone Without Telling My Partner?
“I (28F) sometimes like to go get a drink after work, always on days my partner of almost 2 years (24M) works until 10 pm.
Tonight after work I wanted to grab a drink like I sometimes do. My partner was scheduled in a position that is on until 10 and I only work until 8, so I figured I’d go grab a drink at the bar of a local restaurant I like, then go home and cook dinner.
Around 8:30 I arrived and got a cocktail and an appetizer. And to clarify, I was there alone just scrolling through social media and eating my appetizer. The place was nearly empty. Around 9:10 he texted me asking where I was. I told him I was at that restaurant (we’d been there together before) having some chips and tartare and I was about to go home.
He then proceeded to tell me he had been home for an hour because he was able to get out early, and then asked why I didn’t tell him I was going out, or why I didn’t go right home after work. I am pretty sure his intention was to surprise me by being home early.
I told him that I was sorry I didn’t tell him but I had expected him to not be home until about 10:30 so I planned on going home after, around 9:20, and cooking dinner for both of us. He is upset I didn’t tell him what I was doing, to which I replied that he didn’t tell me he had gotten off work early either so how was I supposed to know?
He answered that by asking who went home after work, me or him.
I really value my independence and alone time is important to me so yes, sometimes when I know my partner is working late I’ll go and have a drink by myself before he gets home or do something solo on a day off and not tell him.
I am not with anyone else, and nothing I do is particularly destructive. I just like to enjoy my alone time doing things I like to do. I told him this when we first started seeing each other and he told me he would never control me or tell me what to do but this seems like a line crossed.
AITJ for not telling him what I was doing?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds insecure. When the other person is busy you don’t have to update each other on every second of your day—especially last-minute decisions. You didn’t know he was sitting there waiting for you to get home—would he have reacted the same way if you had been at Costco for an extensive shopping trip after work—or a long hair appointment, or a pedicure.
He doesn’t need to know every move you make and if he’s upset you were in a bar—that’s a big red flag on him and how he feels about your relationship.” lovelystarbuckslover
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You shouldn’t have apologized and you shouldn’t feel obligated to tell him what you’re doing in the future.
If he wants to do something unplanned together it’s his responsibility to communicate that to you and ask you if you’re interested in joining him. Don’t tolerate the double standard. He changed the schedule. You are by no means obligated to sit at home waiting for him just in case he leaves early.
It’s controlling behavior. He owes you an apology.” Lemmy_Axe_U_Sumphin
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think either one of you is the jerk, but I will say if I just randomly found out one day that my husband was stopping at the bar or a restaurant for a drink and an appetizer for 2 years without ever mentioning it, I’d be pretty annoyed. You don’t need permission or his blessing, I just think it’s a common courtesy thing.
By never mentioning this to him and it being brought to the surface now, you look like you’re hiding something. And 100% if you had come on here and said your partner was stopping after work and never mentioned it, it would be a chorus of people telling you he’s two-timing you because why hasn’t he ever brought it up?” External-Sympathy-47
2. AITJ For Insisting On My Real Irish Name Instead Of An American One?
“I’m an Irish dude who recently moved to America for about a year, and when I introduced myself to my new American classmates, they all decided that my name, Ciarán, is too hard to spell or pronounce, so they collectively decided to give me an “American name.” Practically everyone has started to call me “Connor” instead of my actual name, and it is starting to annoy me.
I have told them many times that I actually don’t mind if they pronounce, spell, or remember it wrong, as long as they’re calling me by my ACTUAL NAME. Even a few teachers are calling me Connor, and I get a little annoyed and tell everybody, as politely as possible, to please just call me Ciarán.
Everyone told me that I was being dramatic and have also started to call me other names just to annoy me, like Caleb or Cade.
Every time I bring up wanting to be called by my actual name, they all roll their eyes and give me snarky comments.
Of course, I do like my classmates and they’re all nice, but it slightly annoys me. Am I being overdramatic, or do I have a fair point?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and they are being ridiculous. That is the name that I gave my child, and not only did people easily figure it out, but we met lots of other people with the same name in the US.
No one gets to rename you. There is no such thing as an American name. What they are doing is disrespectful and offensive. People can learn a new name. It’s not that hard. (Now my daughter has a name that really baffles Americans because there is a séimhiú in it.
She says her name, people ask her to spell it, and she’s like, ‘Yeah, that’s not going to help, lol.’ But they still learn it!) It also opens up a lot of cool conversations. When we were in Hawai’i, some older ladies asked her about her name, and she started explaining séimhiús and the Irish language, and the ladies were like, “Endangered indigenous language from a colonized island?
Yes!” They spent hours talking to her about Irish history and Hawaiian history and indigenous solidarity, and how important it is that when her mom talks to her in Irish, she answers in Irish and not English. They also emphasized that when people say her name wrong, she corrects them each time because it’s part of her identity and it’s important.
That’s the advice I give to you!” AdelleDeWitt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To paraphrase Hasan Minhaj, people can say Jake Gyllenhaal, so Ciarán shouldn’t be the name to struggle on. It’s a mark of respect to learn how to say someone’s name, so you’re absolutely right to refuse.
I say this as someone with a surname that people correct the pronunciation of, like I don’t know my own name. Does that name not exist in the US at all? I would have thought they at least had the anglicized ‘Kieran’ if not Ciarán itself.” iceblnklck
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone who has an Irish name that is relatively common in the US, I feel you. I was shocked at how often people get it wrong (despite plenty of celebrities having the same first name). Ciarán isn’t even that hard of a name, in that it isn’t far off in pronunciation from what one might guess.
Hear it once and you will get it pretty close. (There are other Irish names where this is not the case.) Anyway… no one else gets to choose your name for you.” ACorania
1. AITJ For Allowing A Regular Student To Sit In The Back Despite A Complaint?
“I have been teaching a yoga class at my local community center for about a year.
Dave has been coming for about 6 months. Dave isn’t the most in-shape guy, but he’s always been very kind to me and does his best with the workouts. As I learned in my teacher training, I advise my students that if they need a break, they should practice their Ujjayi breath with their head above their heart (not lying down) to avoid feeling dizzy.
Dave often takes these breaks, sitting in Sukhasana until he feels ready to rejoin the class. He also always sits in the back, which is normal for my regular students to have a preferred mat location.
The way that my class is set up is in staggered rows, so you are not directly behind or next to anyone, but you are directly behind the person 2 rows ahead of you.
The woman sitting 2 rows directly ahead of Dave approached me after class yesterday and said that she felt uncomfortable during class because Dave kept stopping to “stare at her butt.” She said that he should not be allowed back or “written up” (we don’t have a write-up system; this isn’t school).
I explained what I said at the start of class about resting in Sukhasana and recommended that if she returned, she take a place at the back of the room so that no one could observe her posterior. She seemed a little annoyed but thanked me coldly and left.
My boss called me today and said that I handled this complaint poorly and that I am creating an unsafe space for women. She said that I should have called her (my boss) and that Dave should no longer be allowed at the back of the class.
I’m fairly shocked at my boss’s conclusion because I do not think it is fair to dictate where a client sits based on one unsubstantiated complaint; I face the front of the classroom and have never observed this. Even if he were staring straight ahead at her butt, I think that is a reasonable place for someone to look when they feel dizzy while closing their eyes.
I asked my boss if there were any other details that the woman added when they talked, and she was a bit cagey but said there weren’t.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We have to take everything at face value here and not read into it with our own ideas of things.
It doesn’t sound like Dave was doing anything wrong by existing in the space, and if the woman felt uncomfortable with Dave being behind her, your suggestion was spot on. The problem is that this woman went to a coed yoga class and is feeling a way because of Dave and is trying to remove him.
Do we know if he’s sitting there ogling her? No, do we just automatically assume it because she said it? Also no. There is no fault here and no wrong party. The woman, I’m sure, is uncomfortable with a man being near her while she’s in such a position.
Maybe she needs a female-only class. Dave, from your words, is heavier-set, so he’s for sure going to be in the back just like anyone who is heavier and does not want people noticing that they are out of shape. Again, nobody has any substantial proof of whether he was or wasn’t staring at her butt.
I’m sure we can all agree that yes, she’s valid in her feelings but not in her actions. But I’ll be real here: you’re sitting in a room filled with people’s sweaty butts. Lady, if he was looking for a butt, he doesn’t have to go far, and if she’s scared of her butt being looked at, she has options.
As far as being fair goes, everyone is innocent until proven guilty, and hearsay is taken at face value and not as gospel. INFO: OP, have there been any other complaints or comments about Dave being in the class and people feeling uncomfortable or feeling that he’s staring?
Also, is he the only man in your class?” OddDc-ed
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! I’m a woman who has taken many yoga classes, and there is always a variety of people there with varying degrees of experience in yoga. Breathwork can be a lot for someone who is just starting out, regardless of how in shape they are.
If Dave wants to be in the back because that’s where he feels his level is at, then that’s the right place for him to be. If she moves her mat and then he were to move behind her, then there is no question that she’s right, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s just maybe nervous about a random man behind her and does not know how to feel about it.
Lastly, shout out to Dave for being the dude in the back who is probably being crop dusted by the whole class’s farts while he’s just trying to do his thing and figure it out.” Straight-Clock-2006
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Given that Dave has been a regular for 6 months and there’s been no complaints until now, I’m guessing it was a misunderstanding and the woman assumed his rest breaks were something inappropriate.
Now, if this happened again, I feel like I would not allow him in the class anymore. If he’s someone who needs regular breaks, I do not blame him for sitting in the back; I’d probably do the same so I don’t call too much attention to myself when I rest.” mysockisdead
