People Want Us To Reply To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Ranting To My Wife About Her Grandmother?
“My wife’s grandmother is visiting. She’s a very nice woman and I love her like my own grandmother but at times she expects everyone to basically cater to her because ‘she’s old’ (still gets around great, especially for her age).
So my wife, MIL, and her grandmother are traveling today to go back to my hometown.
This trip has been planned for 2 months. We’re packing the car and her grandmother decided to wait until right before we leave to pack.
I keep my mouth shut but I’m visibly annoyed and my wife and MIL have the nerve to rant to me telling me ‘relax she’s old.’ I respond with ‘what’s your point? She should’ve been packed hrs ago.’ I then pull my wife into another room to explain how I’m tired of catering to her for the sake of being old.
I understand helping her but I don’t like being taken advantage of. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You married into this family; you can’t be upset that things don’t go your way w/ your wife’s side of the family. Welcome to marriage.
This older woman is most likely not going to change at her age. If anything, your wife/MIL will probably do more harm than good if they sit her down and talk about this. They are going to tell you it’s not worth the fight.
Old people are just old. Get over it.” 87_north
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re completely right that grandma should have been packed before the trip. You handled it the best way possible by taking your wife aside privately and expressing your concern.
I’d be really annoyed too if someone had waited until the last minute to pack!” smackof_ham
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Daughter's Wedding?
“This has been a difficult wedding planning experience from the moment my (F55) oldest daughter (F32) got engaged to her fiancé (M34).
My husband and I have committed to all four of our daughters that we would pay for their weddings in full. My second daughter (F29) married three years ago and it went beautifully from start to finish. It was a small wedding, so the cost was not exorbitant.
This daughter wanted a different type of wedding from the start – more guests, a fancier venue, elaborate flowers, etc., etc. They picked a resort-style venue that made it into a ‘destination’ type venue. They chose an incredibly popular time of year (May 2023) to get married, causing the rates to be even higher.
We calculated the budget at anywhere from $50-80k. Looking back, we should never have agreed to that kind of budget. First mistake.
From the beginning, both of them were bridezillas. Demanding to be given free will with decisions even though they were not paying the bills.
If my husband and I asked to be included in the discussions, there was major pushback. I suggested scaling back on the flowers to save some funds – screaming phone call from my daughter. My husband volunteered to call some vendors – angry responses back from both of them.
The breaking point occurred when my husband and I broached the subject of the seating. Would it be indoors or outdoors? Would it be sit-down dinner or buffet style? What about the bar? Did they want just beer and wine?
Or a full bar (at this point, my choice for sure!)? Were they thinking about appetizers for when the pictures were being taken? What about music selections, etc., etc?
She lost it. ‘Stop trying to control the wedding. Stop holding the money over our heads!
Stop making everything about the costs!’ It went on and on for hours as we tried to explain ourselves. She ranted, she got her fiancé on and he ranted and it devolved until we all hung up angry and with hurt feelings—all saying things we later regretted.
She followed up with nasty texts saying she needed to stop planning the wedding for a while because she ‘can’t work with us under these circumstances. We need to stop being fixated on money and start focusing on their love’.
I said after the way the two of them have acted, we don’t feel like we ‘want’ to provide them with this wedding. They have been so spoiled and entitled and rude to us that we are just over the whole thing.
Plus since they have stopped talking to us, it feels like they have made the decision for us!
At this point, I feel like a 32 and 34-year-old couple should pay for their own wedding. They are both working professionals. If they have such strong opinions and difficulty accepting our input/money, then they should move forward without us.
AITJ for backing out of our agreement to pay for the wedding after my daughter acted like a bridezilla? And WIBTJ for making her pay back the nonrefundable deposits we will lose?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We paid for our wedding, and we got slight donations but nothing substantial, admittedly we did not want our parents holding money over our heads but from the post, it does not sound like that’s what’s going on here.
They are being spoiled and rude. It would be different if you wanted to actually control the wedding bc you’re paying for it. The budget and expectations should be set and communicated properly. You may feel like it’s going back on your word and they may feel the same way but no one says they have to have an 80k wedding, that’s pretty absurd honestly.” avgweinerczr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, my parents insisted on paying for my wedding and were angry and offended when my husband’s family wanted to chip in so I at least got some things my own way because my mother controlled absolutely everything including the venue, the dress, the menu, everything.
I was miserable and I thought the wedding was ghastly.
When it came to my daughter she was told the budget and she was told to organize what she wanted based on the budget she was given. Allocation of the budget was entirely upon her.
Yes, she chose to consult me and run venues and ideas over with me, but she didn’t have to. If you give your daughter what the budget is, then she will realize she will have to make compromises between scaling back flowers or the number of guests, etc, rather than you saying she will have to.
Take more of a hands-off approach and let her juggle the funds.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s sad to see how immature your daughter and her partner are behaving. Yes, you said you would pay for their wedding, but that doesn’t give them the right to behave the way they are.
I will admit, that my parents paid for my wedding when I was 33. The only thing my husband and I paid for was his suit and my shoes. I know people asked my mom why they were paying for it, but she pointed out that they didn’t have to pay for my college education because I had an athletic scholarship.
Just because they paid for it, that didn’t mean I was free to make crazy demands. I wanted her opinions because I always admired how creative she is. My mom and I were always on the lookout for budget-friendly options.
It was fun finding creative ways to save funds. We used a lot of vines from my family’s grape tree to decorate the venue and used the actual grapes to make jelly for the party favors. Our wedding was $10,000 and that included the venue, dress, cake, food, bouquets, and the preacher and I was thrilled with every bit of it.
I also love that my dad actually managed to make a little money back by doing business with the venue owner shortly after. My wedding gave him a new client.” lighting-gal
20. AITJ For Treating My Children Differently?
“Mabel (5yo) is a typical kid. She’s always running around and is very friendly and curious.
She is good with new people and is cute and cheeky. People generally love her.
Leo (7yo) is trickier. He was born early and has a congenital heart problem which means my wife basically wrapped him in bubble wrap his entire life.
He can’t run around or play with other children or his sister, which has made him very shy and anxious. She pulled him out of school because he wasn’t speaking to the children or teachers and now she home-schools him, which has only made him more attached. He speaks to a doctor but does not see much improvement.
Yesterday evening, I had some people from my business over to show my house, meet the family and talk about some priorities. I made a point of showing off Mabel, because everyone thinks she’s sweet and likes her, and she enjoys talking to people.
I told Leo to stay in his room. I knew he wouldn’t have enjoyed the situation and it would’ve been embarrassing to have him clinging to my wife’s side and not talking to anyone. To my guests, I just said he was sick.
After the guests had left, my wife spoke to me and said that I was unfair for treating Leo differently and that I should’ve given him the chance to meet others and talk with them. I think I was justified because he wouldn’t have liked it and it would’ve been embarrassing for everyone if he hadn’t spoken.
This devolved into a huge argument where she said that I treat Leo differently from his sister. Each time, I thought I was justified:
- She said about how I gave Mabel what she asked for for Christmas and didn’t ask Leo.
I did ask Leo but he wouldn’t give me an answer and I didn’t want to wait three hours. In the end, I got him a bike, like his sister.
- She said about how I limited his easter chocolate but I didn’t with Mabel.
I did it because Leo is less active and is getting fat with home school, which isn’t good for his heart.
- She said about how I talk in the evenings with Mabel about her day but I don’t with Leo.
I see it as fair because Leo gets attention from his mother all day because he doesn’t go to school. He never leaves her side, so why would he want more attention?
I feel like she’s using the ‘don’t treat your kids differently’ thing against me, even though in our situation we do need to treat them differently.
I feel like I’m justified in this but I’m posting here for confirmation.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Something parents know. ALL CHILDREN HAVE DIFFERENT NEEDS. It is obvious that you prefer your daughter to your son. You are proud of your daughter.
You engage with her. You do not engage with your son. You told him to stay in his room because you thought he wouldn’t like it and you thought he would cling to his mother. You didn’t even bother to ask him.
You assumed. You were so afraid of being embarrassed that you told him to hide. He knows this.
When he didn’t answer your gift question fast enough for you, you dismissed him. Gave him an identical gift to his sister.
Because you didn’t think your son is worth your time. He knows this. You’re a crap dad to a child that doesn’t fit your expectations. Please take a look at yourself. Both of your children deserve love, attention, understanding, and support.” mrslII
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s one thing to tell Leo he can stay in his room if he’s uncomfortable and another to direct him to stay in his room. You should have let him make the choice. Instead, Mr. Dursley, you basically told him to stay in his room and pretend he didn’t exist. For Easter, you should have given them equal amounts of candy.
It’s a holiday treat. Restrict his candy access at a different time.
As for paying less attention to him because his mom pays lots of attention, are you kidding me? Let your wife do what she does. Pay equal attention to your kid.
You’re playing favorites. He will resent you when he grows older, and you will deserve it.” FrederickChase
Another User Comments:
“Oh, YTJ all day. You should have given him the option of coming out & if he wanted to stay in his room, he could.
Lying & telling your guest he’s sick because YOU’RE embarrassed that your child is shy? It’s not Leo that’s embarrassing, it’s your sense of pride. Can’t even say ‘oh, he’s shy around new people, so he doesn’t want to come out.’ It’s like you’re hiding him away – why?
Because he ruins your idea of a perfect family with perfect children? Honestly, your whole tone towards him is a bit off-putting. It’s okay for children to be different. It’s not okay for parents to treat them poorly because of it.
Then the Christmas gift – you didn’t think to ask him earlier if you were in such a rush for an answer? But fine, if he doesn’t tell you what he wants, a bike is fair.
Less Easter candy is just so rude – how do you think a child perceives that?
He’s certainly not thinking ‘Oh. Dad cares about my heart. That’s why my sister gets more candy than me.’ You should have limited both of their candy if that’s the case. One should never get more than the other, regardless of their weight.
I can’t even wrap my mind around why you think that’s okay.
Then to ask one, but not even be bothered to ask the other how their day was?! Your son is very obviously getting the message ‘Dad loves Mabel more than he loves me’ which may be true, but God – at least try to hide it.
Ugh. I think I’ve made my point.” StreetNext5958
So yes, YTJ. And a big one. And don’t be shocked at the lack of relationship you and your son end up having because you’re such a jerk. Hopefully the always perfect Mabel will want to take care of you when you’re old. Because your son is going to write you off.
Then we’ll get the social media post about how you don’t understand why your adult son wants nothing to do with you.
19. WIBTJ If I Put My Mental Health First?
“My brother was mentally awful to me and my family decided that I was the jerk for complaining about it.
This led to me cutting almost all ties, except for communication regarding grandparents. I managed to maintain a healthy relationship with my grandparents until just before Christmas when I was excluded from an online family meetup my Grandfather organized because my brothers were ‘uncomfortable’ with me being present.
With his declining health, this was also likely my Grandfather’s last Christmas, so I’ll never get that time back either.
My grandmother (stepmum’s mum but has always treated us the same as other grandkids) died very recently, so a funeral is being planned. On previous occasions such as this, my parents have always put pressure on me to ‘let bygones be bygones’ and act as if I was okay with everyone ‘for the deceased person’s sake’.
I have no intention of doing so. I don’t want to have a meal or even a drink with these people who let my brother make my life miserable for a year and a half.
If I was to put my own mental health above someone else’s, at their mother’s, my grandmother’s funeral, because I struggled so much with recovering last time, would that make me the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you can do anything you want to protect yourself from harm. You do not have to go to family events, weddings, funerals, or see or speak to awful people or those who enable them. You can mourn in your own way, in your own place, in your own time.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, if you want to attend then you may want to consider going to the funeral service itself – and not any wake, or just going to the grave to say goodbye on your own at a later date (not sure if your grandfather is still alive – if he is that may change how you feel, but it is NEVER wrong not to put your own mental health first.)” iolaus79
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Nothing is ever done for the sake of a deceased person. They’re deceased. They don’t care.
That phrasing is invariably used by a rug-sweeper.” iaincaradoc
18. AITJ For Returning A Wedding Present?
“So my husband and I got married last summer.
As a wedding gift, his mom gave us a brand new $20,000 2021 Yamaha Viking. We absolutely loved it. She even started adding extra things to it.
A few months after our wedding my husband and I quit our jobs. We worked at the same place, not going to say the place.
I was having issues with my legs and needed surgery on both my ankles, they refused to let me switch over to part-time so I could heal and my husband had been expected to do the work of 3 people. Just a horrible place.
We both got jobs where we wouldn’t need a babysitter. However, after doing the math, we were making $1,200 less a month. So we had to cut back on a few things.
After a few more months at our new jobs, we realized we were falling behind.
We needed to get rid of a bill or 2. We decided to talk to his mom about paying off our vehicle, which was $500 a month ($19,000 left). We said we would pay her $200 a month and that it would save us $15,000 in interest.
She recommended instead for us to sell her back the Viking, that way we wouldn’t owe her anything. My husband and I talked about it and decided it was a good idea as not only would we save the $500 a month but also drop the $65 a month insurance for the side-by-side.
So we gave her back the Viking and she paid off our vehicle. This has honestly really helped us catch up with all the bills. His mom even said we could still use the Viking whenever we want.
After all this, some of my family told me I was being so ungrateful for returning such a great gift. Even after explaining the situation, they say we should have stuck with paying his mom the $200 a month and that returning a gift is very disrespectful.
So AITJ for returning it?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you, your husband, and his mom were all in agreement, even more, it was your MIL who suggested selling the ATV back to her, not you. Tell your family to back off, they aren’t important in this situation.” Silver_Kitty_Kat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the family member is a busy body. You worked through it with her, the gift giver. If you hadn’t moved things around, you’d be facing some dire financial issues. Now, everyone has benefitted and will be good.
Some people need to stay in their own lane.” TCTX73
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. Even if you had just traded it in for another vehicle without asking your MIL, it was a GIFT. Once a gift is given, absolutely no one but the owner of the gift has a say in what is done with it.
Your MIL did y’all a solid and was cool with it. Screw everyone else that is making you feel guilty. They’re not in your shoes.” InShapeTrucker
17. AITJ For Telling My Mother-In-Law Not To Drink At My Wedding?
“I’m engaged to be married soon and I have a problem. My MIL has a huge drinking problem and I explicitly told her that she is not allowed to drink at our wedding reception because of the way she acts when she drinks.
She’s calling me a brat and that I’m marrying HER SON so she’s allowed to do whatever she wants and I told her it’s not HER WEDDING and she is not allowed to do anything she wants.
My husband-to-be has also told her that she’s not allowed to drink but she insists that she’s not going to go overboard. I come from a fairly conservative family, most of us drink but we aren’t heavy drinkers.
While my fiancé and I agreed to have a bar at our reception it isn’t an open bar and we have already alerted the staff at the venue to not give her any liquor. Yet she’s still trying to argue with me and is calling me an entitled brat.
What do I do?
EDITED FOR CONTEXT: MIL has had a history of drinking problems. We have put her in rehab twice and she refuses to comply with the treatment. In one of many intoxicated stupors, she attempted to attack me with a knife.
His side of the family knows about her heavy drinking and has also tried helping. I am afraid that if I uninvite her from the wedding she will show up anyway and cause a scene.
My fiancé is an only child and has spoken to his mother countless times about this issue but she thinks she doesn’t have a problem that needs to be corrected. We have thought about just completely removing the bar from the reception site but I have mixed feelings about it and also family on both sides say we shouldn’t have to do this because of one person.”
Another User Comments:
“I have extensive experience with heavy drinking (not gonna get too into detail bc of family/friends), but, I agree with what others are saying. You’re NTJ for not wanting her to not drink, but she cannot be around any liquor during active addiction.
I understand not wanting to exclude her from the wedding entirely, so you could either have a dry wedding, not invite her, or what I would do, is invite her to the ceremony, but not the reception if you intend on serving any booze.
Keep in mind that people in active addiction will get their hands on something somehow & chances are you won’t even know until she’s already wasted. I’d have a dry wedding and have someone watch her the entire time still, or just invite her for the ceremony and make sure someone keeps her out so she can’t crash it.
There can be some middle ground here, but she needs to be willing to take that chance as well. If you and your future husband see the issues, chances are that many others have seen her drinking problem even if she has tried to hide it well, so I doubt that some people would be shocked if she wasn’t allowed at the wedding reception with a bar.
If she’s downing multiple bottles a day, chances are she could be wasted and you wouldn’t even know it until she gets close to her blackout point.
Addicts won’t get into recovery until they’re ready to, as you know forcing her to won’t work.
She cannot be around any liquor.” mumbriety
Another User Comments:
“I absolutely get that it is your wedding and that you do not want it to go poorly. That is your right. However, forbidding an adult to drink, is not mitigating, but going overboard.
I know that day is stressing you out, but you are on the verge of becoming a bridezilla.
There are other ways to handle it. A closed bar is the first step. You could have talked to the waitstaff to water down her drinks a little bit.
You obviously could have talked to her about your concerns and how it is important to you guys for her to not go overboard. You could have a failsafe in place to handle her if she doesn’t comply.
You were trying to mitigate the risk of drama, but what you have done is make sure that there will be drama.
I don’t think the wildcard you are going to call MIL is going to be controllable.
I do feel you, but it would do you good if you were able to accept that not everything is going to go your way.
And that’s totally okay. Just enjoy the night as it unfolds and if something goes wrong, it will be a funny anecdote for the future. I talk from experience.
Everyone sucks here.
Edit: if you do not want that drama at your wedding, your only option is to uninvite her.
That doesn’t mean you won’t have drama outside of that, tho.” djokster91
Another User Comments:
“YTJ regarding your demands, you can’t prevent a heavy drinker from drinking at an event where drinks are being served. What you DO have control over is not letting any wasted guests act up and ruin your wedding.
You can arrange in advance with either hired security or a group of her/your relatives that the second she starts slurring or stumbling or making a scene she will be whisked out of the reception and deposited somewhere where she can do no further harm.” Allimack
16. AITJ For Getting Mad When My Wife Breaks Things?
“My wife is the love of my life. She’s smart, hard-working, beautiful, and fun. However, she has always been a klutz. I mean to the point where she drops/breaks something expensive/fragile or injures herself 5-10 times a week.
I could deal with it if it was occasional (I drop things too, of course), but it happens so often it’s started to make me upset, especially because she refuses to work at it. 99% of the time she makes a mistake, it’s because she’s rushing, even though she’s been told by numerous people (me, parents, friends) to take things slower.
She has ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and I know it’s hard for her to remember that at the moment, so I try to be patient, but it’s become so frequent that I find myself just waiting to hear the next dish break, or for her to yell in pain, or for a neighbor to complain that we’re making too much noise.
She keeps saying, ‘I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful next time.’
One time, she dropped and broke a $300 bottle of champagne we had purchased to celebrate a career milestone for me, after I had asked her to please be careful and that I could open it if she wanted. She insisted, then lost grip on the bottle when she got distracted by a phone notification.
It broke, it was a mess, and I was annoyed.
The last major incident was when I bought her some very expensive sunglasses on vacation. We went out on a boat for the day and I asked her if she wanted to bring the cheaper pair in case the water was choppy and they flew off (that actually happened to me as a kid, albeit with $10 sunglasses).
She insisted on wearing the new pair, but then on the boat when she stood up to take a video, we hit a small wave and they flew off. I dove in after them, but my eyesight is terrible and they disappeared into the depths.
So it’s really her clumsiness coupled with a refusal to listen/change that irritates me, I guess.
Then there are all the smaller day-to-day things, like constantly knocking her water glass over and spilling it on our electronics/furniture or staring at her phone while walking and slamming into furniture (then complaining that I didn’t move it back, even though it never moved).
I do as much as I can around the apartment to clean up, cook, do laundry, etc. so it’s not like I’m berating her for these things while not contributing or putting any effort in myself. The health crisis has definitely exacerbated the matter since we spend almost every waking minute together.
I feel bad calling her out on it because then she gets upset, but I can’t hold it in any longer with how frequent it has become.
I find myself resenting her a little bit for her unwillingness/inability to change, but I don’t know if I’m a jerk for making a big deal out of it.
Any advice?”
Another User Comments:
“No one here is the jerk unless you’re berating her about it. It’s ok to be upset in general but not ok to be resentful with her. She’s not being careless because she doesn’t care.
She’s a clumsy person with ADD which is a disability she can’t help. You seem angry at her for not being willing to change but it sounds like it’s something she can’t change.
I suggest you do the same things you would with a clumsy kid but respectfully of course.
Talk it out and come up with ideas to help her. Buy plastic cups. Let you carry things that are fragile. Gently remind her of things that she might trip over if you see her walking in a hurry or distracted. Love her for who she is and accept that this is probably a quirk that’s part of who she is.” jenbaum4
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’ve said in comments that your wife has tried multiple medications and gone to therapy. You’ve also said that she is dealing with a lot of stress AND that your stress and anger towards her clumsiness actively make the situation worse.
She is putting in effort and your behavior is making things worse.
Part of the ‘effort’ here needs to be YOU working on your stress and anger at the situation, as that will help you both, not just her.
You also need to realize that this is not some bad habit that she can break with three weeks of work.
This is a somewhat inherent trait and largely due to her ADD, which doesn’t just go away. I know that someone breaking something is inherently frustrating, but you need to work through it and not take it out on her.
You said your dad has bad ADHD and you’ve just accepted him and his behavior as they are. You need to make a big effort to show your wife that same grace rather than hold her to an expectation that she changes.” drkr731
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You can’t help being frustrated even if you accept it and it sounds as though you don’t get angry at her.
From an ADD side, I do a lot of these things. I walk into door frames when I’m looking at my phone.
I also daydream and sometimes end up missing my exit or driving several miles past my exit. My ex would berate me and accuse me of doing it on purpose, which just made me more anxious and missing directions. That’s what you want to avoid from the situation.
However, you should be able to be a little frustrated at things like the $300 bottle of champagne, and while ADD is her reality and not going to change she should be able to accept some compromises. The last girl I went out with didn’t mind my zoning out but if we were time critical would suggest driving and I would let her.
Suggesting that you open the champagne seems perfectly reasonable.
One suggestion for the sunglasses would be something that keeps them on. Croakies, the strap that attaches to the arms are super common and also let you wear them around your neck so they don’t get misplaced. If she doesn’t like the aesthetic you might look up ‘ear grip,’ which simply attaches and makes a little hook behind your ear so they are less likely to fall off.” Escritortoise
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – as someone who is terminally clumsy (I consider it a congenital superpower), as well as ADHD and nerve damage in my hands. I drop things all the time. I have a plastic cup with a lid and a straw I call my adult sippy cup because I knock over glasses onto everything.
And I stick to clear liquids like water and sparkling water to avoid sticky messes. All our glasses and dishware are nice, but not so expensive to cause a heart attack when I invariably drop something.
If you think it’s maddening for you, have you ever dropped the same thing five times in a row and still can’t hold on to it?
She’s been this way since you’ve known her. One of the most depressing and relationship-crushing things is to sit around waiting for someone else to change. So you have a choice. Can you handle never having nice, fragile, breakable things?
Should you invest in plastic dishes and bubble wrap? Can you trust her with sharp objects, open flames, or children?
Then remember you love her for who she is, broke china and all, and get her a cheap pair of sunglasses.” PomegranateReal3620
15. AITJ For Refusing To Finish Off My Brother's Plate?
“Last week, on our way home from a beach trip, my family and I stopped by a Korean buffet restaurant.
They served the beef manually and you have to ask a server when you run out, but you can get the pork whenever you want and however much you want.
I was mainly there for the side dishes and the fried chicken, so I let my brother get the pork for us.
There were two grills set up, one for my parents and one for my brother and myself, and basically you have to cook the meat yourself. My brother and I took turns tending to the cooking meat to make sure it did not get burnt.
My brother has this habit at buffets where he gets more food than he can finish and it sometimes ends up with us having to pay extra for unfinished food. This time he got more pork than we can both conceivably finish.
I didn’t notice at first because I was busy enjoying my food. Towards the end of the meal, he kept asking around who would finish the extra pork on the grill, and I told him I was full and won’t be able to eat anymore.
At buffets, I make it a point to eat neatly and finish my food to avoid any surcharge. His response was to forcibly put the pork on my plate. I moved my plate away and said, ‘I told you I don’t want any more food.’
He looked offended. My parents looked at us and my stepmom (his biological mom) looked offended on his behalf. He had so much unfinished food on his plate and he dumped the pork back on the grill. The ride home was tense and no one spoke to me for a whole 3 hours.
Am I the jerk for declining food I didn’t want?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, that car ride home just screams ‘even though this kid did nothing wrong by refusing to eat more than he possibly could or should, let’s all be little children and give him the silent treatment because we’re blaming the wrong kid.'” Informal_Passion7975
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You set boundaries. You can’t be forced to eat more than you are comfortable with because someone else can’t gauge how much they want/need. As someone who can sometimes overestimate my hunger, I have never assumed someone else would need to make up for my poor choices.” 12th_companion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother needs to learn to regulate his own eating habits. If your stepmom is so offended, she can eat the excess food.” missshrimptoast
Nta because you shouldn't be forced to eat more than your fill, especially if you aren't the one who took more than you could eat. And I wouldn't go back to eat there. It sounds horrible
14. AITJ For Thinking My Friend Is Responsible For My Allergic Reaction?
“I (21M) have been friends with Macy (22F) for 5 years.
She recently got extremely into TikTok and making videos, as well as the trends and stuff on there, I don’t have TikTok so I really don’t know what goes on over there. Anyways that brings me to last month, when she insisted on having me over for dinner and insisted on cooking me dinner (we normally have to get together with a group of 5 friends but this time it was just us).
She then told me she had made tacos, I forgot exactly what meat she claimed it was, but it was some sort of impossible meat anyways.
I am deathly allergic to soy and I had a reaction to the food she made and had to stay in the hospital for a week, where I almost did not survive.
She has yet to apologize and claims it was only a ‘TikTok prank’ and even refuses to be around me further. AITJ for demanding she pays for my hospital bills? If she doesn’t do it willingly I will take any legal action I can, though I am not a lawyer and do not know what that might look like.
EDIT: she was not aware of my soy allergy before.
EDIT 2: I also did ask if she used any soy in the meal and she told me she didn’t. While I didn’t explicitly tell her about my allergy I still feel misled.”
Another User Comments:
“Honestly I’m gonna go with ‘everyone sucks here’ but mostly YTJ.
If you have a severe allergy you NEED to let people know!! It’s not just a quick does this have soy cause soy can be hidden in so many things people may not even know if something has soy!
(not saying she didn’t I mean in other scenarios.) You also need to explain why you are asking if there’s soy, you need to hammer in ‘soy is not good for me.’ Why not tell someone who’s cooking for you about a deathly allergy?
She’s the jerk for her prank which was probably just meant to trick meat-eaters into eating vegan or whatever.
BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN HEALTH.” kspicydaddi
Another User Comments:
“I was on the fence at first, but as I was writing my response, I’ve decided YTJ but only a little.
I think at worst, it’s just a problem of not knowing the ingredients. I’ve used impossible meat before to try it out (real meat tastes better) and couldn’t have told you if soy was in it. I just googled it and it is.
So in her mind, she may not have been aware there was soy in it. Now maybe I’m a jerk for saying this, but if you’re allergic to a food, I would expect you to be more cautious with what you eat.
You asked if she used soy, which yeah, the answer should’ve been Yes, but I bet she didn’t know soy was in the mixture. But it sounds like she told you it was an impossible burger. And from what I hear, a lot of vegan food contains soy.
Hindsight is 20/20, but I feel you need to say ‘is there soy in this? Soy will put me in the hospital as I’m very allergic’. It at the very least creates a sense of severity to your question instead of just possibly curiosity.
Also, in case you don’t already. I hope when you go to a restaurant, you inform them of your allergy. Even if your meal doesn’t have soy, there could be cross-contamination or a sauce that isn’t listed that uses it.
That’ll allow them to check.
ETA: when did she tell you it was impossible meat? The way I read this, It was her telling you before you ate it that it was impossible meat. If she didn’t tell you until after you ate it that it wasn’t real meat, then I’d change my judgment.” No-Knowledge8325
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, and there is no legal action you can take that you would win.
If you didn’t tell her you had a food allergy, she had no way of knowing that the food might harm you. Also, even if you asked her whether there was soy in it, she may have genuinely not known that the food she used was soy-based or had soy in it.
Most ‘Impossible’ meat isn’t soy-based, it’s lab-grown. Or it may have been an entirely other meat substitute that only had traces of soy. If you don’t even know what it is that you ate specifically, then it’s hard to say what part of the meal actually made you ill.
It could have been one of the condiments. Either way, she didn’t ‘mislead’ you if she didn’t know either. She clearly didn’t DELIBERATELY put anything soy-based in your meal, but if she didn’t know you had an allergy she wouldn’t have had any reason to check ingredients closely.
You’re a massive jerk, though, both to yourself and to her, for having a deathly allergy and not warning someone who was cooking for you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
13. AITJ For Telling My Sister To Let My Mom Decide For Herself?
“Both my (32M) sister (35F) and I moved back home temporarily after doing our thing for the past 5 years (we both went back to school).
My dad has lived out of state for the past 6 years (my parents are still together, he just took a job far away). So it’s me, my sister and my Mom (66F).
This past Sunday we are getting ready to go to church.
I’m driving, we’re in the car getting ready to go.
Mom: Should I turn off the heat?
Me: Sure that’s up to you, it’s your house.
Mom: (internal debate for a couple of seconds) Ok going to go turn it off.
(Goes back inside to turn it off)
Sister in the back seat: You know Mom is looking to you for guidance as the man of the house.
Me: She’s a grown woman and it’s her house, she can make her own decisions.
Sister got quiet and didn’t respond and didn’t speak for the entirety of Church. Obviously, she was mad about what I said. My Mom is a highly educated and successful woman. She does not need a man to make her decisions or ‘guide her’.
She’s been living on her own for the past 5 years while everyone in our family was out doing their thing. She’s made these decisions before.
My parents’ house is paid for, they own it. I’ve never made mortgage payments and it’s not in my name.
It’s not my house. She can decide whether or not she wants to turn off the heat.
I don’t know… AITJ? As a man, do I need to make tiny decisions like this for her? Seems silly to me.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. No one is here, really. Maybe your mom likes that kind of input; I know mine does. You’re not obligated to share your thoughts and if you prefer not to assist in little things like that it’s not a big deal. It could just be that she was being courteous to everyone currently living there by asking – sort of a roundabout way of inquiring if you’d be comfortable returning to a house that’s not heated. Might be worth a longer conversation with your sister to find out why she said that.
Maybe your mom has mentioned to her that she’d like “man of the house” input but didn’t want to say so directly.” MiskatonicUAlum
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, but if she’s doing things like that tell your dad so she can get a neuro assessment.
She might be having cognitive problems.
If she’s just of the generation that thinks a man should be in charge, sorry you can’t fix that and learn to set boundaries.” geekgirlwww
Another User Comments:
“Everyone saying ‘your mom can make her own decisions’ she literally asked like… She literally wanted input, she might just be a type who likes others’ opinions and his sister might know that about mom, either way, ask your mom.
Just ask if she views you as the man of the house. Many women are educated and independent but still have old world views. Talk to her about it before you assume your mom’s opinions. No jerks here.” kspicydaddi
I think you're right... she lived alone for over five years making these types of decisions daily without calling either of you. No need to change things now.
As someone else said she may have just been thinking out loud and is probably used to doing it because she's lived alone for so long
12. AITJ For Telling A Joke?
“I am ginger and at the time had a very bad sunburn.
I was talking with my friends about some random things and suddenly the topic of my sunburn gets brought up. I agree that my sunburn is bad and jokingly say ‘I hope I don’t get skin cancer.’ My friends and I laugh.
A random person from my school comes up to me and my friends and starts lecturing me about how it was insensitive and how I should think before I speak.
Personally, I don’t think it was that rude and more of a joke.
It is not that funny but I don’t think it granted a response like that. Later in the day, I was called to the principal/director’s office and I was given a suspension because of my original comment and what I said to the other student.
A short and rough idea of how the conversation went down:
Random person: You should not joke about something like that, it is very insensitive to people who have skin cancer.
Me: I’m sorry, I did not mean for it to be rude or taken the wrong way.
Random person: It is extremely rude and you should think before you speak.
Me: I’m sorry.
Random person: You should be. (Then walks away.)
My friends don’t think what I said was deserving of punishment and that the other woman should have minded their business.
Some of my other friends agree with her and that the punishment was necessary. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Unless there is something glaring you’ve left out (like your tone and other gestures or something) that comment could also have been a literal comment – ‘I know, I hope I don’t get skin cancer.’
The fact that she knew you were joking and not potentially responding literally makes me wonder if there was something with how it was said that is offensive.
Either way, even if it was said with all the sarcasm in the world, the suspension is ridiculous.
Frankly, I’d ask for a chance to re-review that with the principal because I think it goes on your record. Unless there’s else to the story.
NTJ.” Major_Barnacle_2212
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is the current fad to be offended about everything and censored and shunned over free expression – our first amendment.
You are ginger and have a higher likelihood of skin cancer. Your body – your right – if you are American – to make a joke about your own body. Even if the offended idiot had skin cancer themselves – I know folks that have a sense of humor about their own.
You can push this – which is what they want or you can smirk your way around these petty people that have no life.” grianmharduit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You definitely weren’t being offensive.
It could have been if you said it in front of someone currently battling skin cancer or whatnot, but uh, I think the concept of not wanting cancer is a fairly safe topic in most conversations.
Your joke pretty much passes my personal joking test, which is essentially:
- Is it based on stereotypes? No. It’s a medical fact that sunburns cause skin cancer.
- Is it putting anyone down? No. If you had said ‘I don’t want to be like those people with skin cancer,’ or, ‘I don’t want to get cancer like —‘ then probably.
But just ‘aw man, I hope I don’t get skin cancer’ isn’t directly putting anyone down.
- Was the context appropriate? I don’t think so. Basically the difference between joking about cancer in the cancer ward, or at someone’s funeral, or just in casual conversation.” LazuliArtz
11. AITJ For Making My Son Do House Chores?
“I have 3 kids. 17F, 15F, and 12M. My wife raised my son ever since he was 6 because I constantly flew myself in and out of the country I am living in and my home country where my dad’s business is located. So as I was not that much present in his life, he was grown well, spoiled. He got what he wanted, while I was not that busy when both my daughters were growing up, and I wanted my daughters to be not spoiled so they were not allowed to do whatever they wanted to and were not given everything they asked for.
Along with this when they were 10 they were given tasks. And when you do these tasks you get a sum of this much money at the end of the month. So if you vacuumed the whole house you would get 100$ like that.
And they had to save this up and use it throughout the month. My wife saw this as fair and we got them the needed necessities using our own money and we did not make them pay using their salary for the important things (for example food, clothes, etc..).
But my son was not made to do these things. My wife would always say that the daughters did everything before my son did and this went on for 2 years until I had a medical emergency in my home country which caused me to miss my family and I decided to get caretakers for my dad’s business and be involved with my family more.
So the issue arose when I saw that my son would not claim any tasks and just play games in his room while my daughters did everything else. And if they asked for help from my son, he would close the door and lock it.
At first, I did not mind this, but the second week rolled up and he kept doing this. I went into his room and asked him to help his sisters and do tasks as well. I asked a lot of times and he started to get mad and told me to go help them.
I was kind of hurt by this since I felt like he was telling me to stop being an absent father, and I found this to be super unfair to his sisters because they are doing all of the chores while he sits and does nothing.
So I decided to punish my son by taking away his computer and Xbox along with changing the password of his Netflix account and told him to pay for these things from the money he makes doing the chores. He said I was being unfair and called me a bad dad, then my wife joined his side and called me a jerk and is not speaking to me like she used to.
Which made me wonder if I am the jerk and was maybe a bit too harsh.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your son might indeed be spoiled, but the way to fix it is not to swoop into the house after ignoring everyone for years and immediately make new rules and punishments.
Your wife has been running the household without you for years and you can’t suddenly come back and start making decisions for everyone. You’ve got to slow down and have some actual conversations with your wife and kids about your wishes and expectations going forward, and actually listen to what they tell you in return before you start making new rules on your own.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not being on the same page as your wife. They are your kids and nothing is worse than parents being split on a decision. If you intended to change the status quo that is fine but you need to fill in the wife beforehand since you want her to 1.
Stand with you 2. Help enforce your decision and 3. Keep it going after you leave again. Now your son is not only spoiled but he feels justified in the way he feels and as soon as you leave he will go back to doing nothing.
Just to be clear what you did to your son was perfectly fine. Just make sure to talk to the wife before you change how things work in the house.” Lord_Muramasa
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You come back after being absent and blow things up, and then expect it to go your way?
You NEED to have conversations with your family, you all NEED to set expectations of how yall want things in the house.
Your wife is also a jerk because she seems uninteresting in parenting as a team. The dynamic is broken, and it won’t get fixed by you coming in guns blazing.
Get yourself into family therapy, get you and your wife into couples therapy, and get everyone into individual therapy. Whatever combination works for yall, just get help navigating this minefield yall have idled yourselves into.” Techlet9625
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Change My Name Even After Learning The Truth Behind It?
“I always hated my name because it’s not a name and it doesn’t fit into the naming scheme of my other siblings’ names. My dad was always proud of my name since he was the one that named me and said it suited me.
When I was seventeen I really hated it because of the comments I got and was ADAMANT about changing my name. Like seriously doing research, and saving money to do it on my 18th birthday. My family was split on it, my dad didn’t want me to of course and my sister thought it was unique and a nice name while my mom and brother, and other sisters think that it was not really a ‘name’ and if I want to change it I should.
Ultimately I backed out and didn’t change it. I went off to college and received so many compliments that I decided to keep it and used a nickname since the name is two words put together.
My dad passed in October 2019 and it was very rough.
To make things worse it came out in 2021 that my dad was unfaithful to my mom throughout their marriage. A few women have come forward claiming to be his lovers since his passing. It’s been disgusting and tainted the image of the dad we had.
My mom despite everything still loves him and mourns him and calls herself a widow. This December a girl messaged my sister on social media saying she thinks she could be our half-sister and my father was involved with her mother.
Come to find out that her mother was a ‘dancer’ back in the late 90s and her name? Yeah… it’s my name. Not even her mom’s actual legal name but her work name…
My sister told all of us siblings about it and we were so shocked and disgusted especially me.
I almost threw up. I can’t believe he named me after a ‘dancer’ he was sleeping with around the time my mom was pregnant with me. I begged my siblings not to tell mom because it would crush her but they said they had to.
My mom was beyond heartbroken and cried for days. My siblings told me that I should change my name like I was meaning to a few years ago. Despite being disgusted by everything that’s been revealed I don’t want to change my name since it took me forever to come to terms with it and it grew on me.
They called me selfish and disgusting and said I’m a jerk since I was at one point willing to change it over being bullied and teased but not so our mom doesn’t have a constant reminder that her husband named her daughter after a ‘dancer’ he was seeing.
And that showing my mom my change of name could help her heal from this since she reacted to it way more than his other affairs. They’re saying I’m selfish and the name’s ugly anyways. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I can totally understand you not wanting to change your name. It’s been your name for your entire life, and it took a lot for you to accept and learn to love it. But I also see where your family assumed that since you’d already wanted to change your name in the past, you’d be even more willing to change it now.
Once you say no though, they need to accept that. I honestly don’t know what I’d do, I’d need to think long and hard.” AnarchyAcid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only disgusting, selfish person here is your dad.
You’re as much a victim of his bad decisions as your mom is in this situation, and you get to decide how you want to handle that. If that’s ‘well, it’s my name now, regardless of how that came about, and I’m going to make the best of it,’ they need to get on board.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, except for your dad. It’s your name now, so it’s up to you whether or not you want to change it. But I’m not going to call your mom a jerk for wanting you to change it.
I don’t know what your nickname is. If the nickname is different enough, you could maybe use that. It’s a tough situation.
But what I’m not really seeing here is IF your mom really wants you to change it? Like, what’s her opinion about this?
Your siblings asked you to change it, but your mom didn’t? SO I’d suggest having a conversation with her, one on one, and asking her what she really thinks.
Because as far as you know, she only associates the name with YOU now, and you changing it would be the thing that reminds her of the infidelity?
Talk to her!” Jazzisa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s you this is happening to – the name thing I mean, not your father’s passing. Your siblings need to keep out of it. It’s been a shock to everyone to find out about his history, but still, this is your issue with your name.
It doesn’t impact their lives. A change of name will not help your mother heal. She has to do that herself by coming to terms with reality.” AffectionateMine2220
9. WIBTJ For Giving The Best Man An Ultimatum?
“I (22F) am marrying my fiancé Chris (28M) in mid-May. His brother Andrew (30M) is the best man at the wedding.
We are not having a huge bridal party, just my sister as my maid of honor and his brother as the best man.
Chris and I have been engaged since February 2021, and he told Andrew that he was the best man about two months later.
Andrew has been part of a few pre-wedding events (suit shopping, a bachelor night, etc).
I am not hiring a wedding planner and am planning the whole wedding. In January 2022, I sent out a list of pre-wedding event dates for parents and siblings so that they could plan ahead/request off work: dates for the bridal shower, bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, etc. I just sent out the rehearsal dinner invitations, and Andrew texted me to tell me that he works until 8 pm the night before the wedding.
I was shocked. I told Chris that he should talk to his brother Andrew to make sure he knows that he HAS to be at the wedding rehearsal that day, which has been planned since January. He called Andrew, reminded him that he is IN the wedding and needs to be there, and he said he would try to get the day off.
I am really annoyed. Chris and Andrew have always been close — they’re brothers. In Andrew’s defense, he just went through an interview process about two weeks ago and got a new job (a tech job, working from home on PST, but we live in EST).
My fiancé and I agreed that if Andrew does not attend the wedding rehearsal, he cannot be at the wedding and walk down the aisle. We haven’t told him this yet, but I’m worried that could make me the jerk.
I could be the jerk for not letting him be at the wedding if he doesn’t attend the rehearsal.
In my opinion, Andrew should have requested the day before the wedding off work when he got the job, especially since he is in the wedding and it is his brother’s wedding.
However, I know the wedding is not as important to everyone as it is for me and my fiancé. Keeping his job is important. He didn’t say anything about being worried about losing the job or anything, just that he would try to get the day off.
But he didn’t try to get the day off until we pushed him to. WIBTJ?
Edit for more context: Andrew does film on the side and is setting up videography equipment for the ceremony (just setting the camera up on a stand to record the ceremony), and he has never visited my grandmother’s house, where we are having the wedding.
The wedding is in the morning (10a) so I think he will need to see the place and know where to set up prior so that the morning of isn’t as stressful.
So, he is doing that as well as walking down the aisle.
I don’t care nearly as much about him attending the actual dinner. Also, he is the best man, but this is ALL that we’ve asked of him: he didn’t have to buy a new suit, he didn’t throw the bachelor party, etc. He literally just needs to put up the camera and walk down the aisle.
We’ve decided to see if he can come by the house another day or just watch a video of someone else doing it. I think the nerves of planning the wedding and wanting everything to go well and everyone to have a good time has been a lot of pressure, so that’s ultimately what the initial reaction/thought process stems from.
Sometimes it just takes an outside opinion to help get out of the swirl of anxieties surrounding wedding planning. (Also, being ousted from walking down the aisle does not equal kicking him out of the wedding, and he would definitely not be mad, more like relieved, because he’s pretty indifferent about being in the wedding or not).”
Another User Comments:
“If you’re both in agreement, it’s your wedding and you two can do whatever you want.
However, YWBTJ in my eyes. You could look into recording the rehearsal for him in case there’s something critical you think he needs to know, but rehearsals aren’t exactly mind-blowing new concepts.
He said he would try to get the day off, at a new job. At some jobs, they’re very understanding about prior commitments and taking paid time off. In others, they are very harsh that you haven’t accrued enough or are on a probationary period among other things.
Also – and I’m sorry to point out this groundbreaking concept to you – your wedding isn’t on everyone’s mind to the degree it’s on your own. You are not the center of everyone else’s universe. It’s highly possible he just didn’t think of it during the onboarding process since it’s not his wedding.
Is it a bit inconsiderate? Maybe? Is it a very understandable human moment to forget about wedding pre-dates when you’re focused on landing a new job? Yes.
Like I said… it’s your wedding and so long as it’s a joint decision, fine, I guess.
If your fiancé’s best friend and brother being at a new job during the time you picked for rehearsal is the hill you want to die on and remove him from the wedding entirely, well, I guess that’s your and your fiancé’s business.
But it sure is lacking compassion.” SlammyWhammies
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ
He just started a new job and most companies look down upon people requesting things so soon. Also, how hard is it to walk down an aisle and then go stand in behind the groom, this is something that could easily be explained to him.
As someone who has been married for 4 years, this is exactly why my husband and I went to city hall and then just had a cookout to celebrate with the family the next day because we didn’t want drama with anyone or to put people in uncomfortable situations for something that only meant the most to us.
Kicking him out of the wedding is a huge jerk move and a horrible way to start a family.” thernandez91
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You and your fiancé. Ever been to a wedding rehearsal? It’s a waste of time. You don’t need him to be at your rehearsal and threatening to cut him out of your wedding and recruiting your fiancé, his brother to go along with your plan, is just rude, petty, and nasty.
Shame on his brother for giving in to you THIS time.
Sorry, but his job IS important. More important than your wedding rehearsal and really, your wedding! Will you support him if he loses his job? No? That’s what I thought.
If he is new to his job, he can’t necessarily ask for the day off for your wedding rehearsal. He has the day off for your wedding. He’s not dumb, I’m sure he’ll know right away where to set up his equipment.
BTW, if you want him out of your wedding, don’t think he’ll film your wedding for you. Get over your entitled self.” WillLoveCoffee4Ever1
8. AITJ For Not Doing Anything When A Scared Child Came Up To Me?
“I (23M) was finishing out my shift at a theme park (I won’t say which) and heading to pick something up for my mum that she asked me to try and get for her when a kid walks up to me and says something along the lines of ‘My sister is scared because of our mom’ (my memory isn’t great, to be honest, it may have been sad, not scared).
The sister in question proceeds to say ‘please don’t, it’s okay’, and starts dragging her away while I more or less stand there (having no idea what to do in this situation). Both/all sisters present (there was a third girl, uncertain if she was related or not) have eye bags to varying degrees, and all look somewhat solemn or serious.
I didn’t end up doing anything for them, and I assume they only came up to me because I was a park employee.
My question is… AITJ for not doing anything? What should I have done?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here this time but learn from this occasion.
You obviously haven’t been trained what to do in the event of disclosures but it’s a fair possibility this could happen to you or your colleagues again in the future as you work somewhere where there are lots of young people.
Ask your supervisor to educate you and your team on what to do if this occurs again. As someone who isn’t a supervisor, your only real responsibility will be to accurately pass on what you’ve heard.” PracticalDingo3235
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I think you are right to be second-guessing yourself and should react differently if this kind of thing happens again. I would think that your first instinct ‘should’ have been to tell the kids to ‘stay right here’ while you contact security.
Let security determine whether there was a safety issue that needed to be dealt with.
I have heard multiple stories of mistreated kids who are homeschooled and never come in contact with an adult that they can alert to the problem.
These kids may be taken on trips to places like amusement parks but are often too terrified of ‘strangers’ and afraid of their parents to dare to ask for any help. That could have been happening in your situation, or perhaps their Mom had been drinking or taking illegal substances and the child was afraid to get in the car with her.
Her siblings may have been afraid to rock the boat.
I think you should discuss this kind of situation with your supervisor and ask if there is a policy on what to do if a child asks for help, even if others in the child’s group say there is nothing wrong.
My gut feeling is that security should always be called, and they should then assess whether everything is okay or whether the police should be called. A kid may be in danger.” Allimack
7. AITJ For Not Wanting This Person In My Band?
“I’ve been with my band for some time now and I’ve recently left to another state to get my mind together because before I was struggling with keeping things in and kind of being pushed over. Ever since moving I’ve gained so much confidence and started getting my life together.
When I left my band to be in another state for a couple of months they suggested this particular person join the band, only because they know them. I made it clear that they were a touring musician filling my spot for now.
At this point, I haven’t had much conversation with anyone in the band since leaving and now I’ve found out a lot of decisions have been made without asking me to be a part of the process. I get it that I’m not there and they need to move forward, but I will be returning soon.
The fill-in musician has now been doing backup vocal duties and giving much more input into how the direction of the band is going.
This was not the deal and it feels like they’re overstepping. I contribute a lot to the band by doing social media, writing songs, setting gigs, and being a founding member overall.
When I return the current musician will not be a part of the band anymore. I never initially wanted to be in a band with this person, and our writing styles are much different. I have no bad intent with this person but the more that they’re involved the more it feels like my band is pushing for us to work together when I didn’t want to do it in the first place.
I would prefer to be with a musician with who I can bounce off better and have more in common or like-minded. Am I the problem for wanting to find a better piece of the puzzle? I told them I didn’t want this person in the band, not because they are overall a bad person.
I just don’t think they’re the right fit.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – you left to get yourself together, he came in to fill a spot. Sounds like your band likes the person so it just makes sense he would be giving input when the band is practicing or hanging out and talking about the band.
I would start making more of an effort to get back into the folds of the band. You’re also going to need to tell the replacement when he will be leaving, which is gonna be a hard convo especially if your band likes him.
Good luck!” toasted_toaster
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I agree with how you feel. How you approach this is what might make you a jerk but your problem stems more from your other band members. It was on them, not the new person, to keep you in the loop and shut down the newbie’s ideas.
They didn’t. Also…
‘I contribute a lot to the band by doing social media, writing the songs, setting gigs, and being a founding member overall.’
Honestly, it sounds like you shouldn’t be in this band anymore. You’re essentially the band manager so yes, you should have been included in everything.
They shot themselves in the foot here, because you sound like their number one asset. They wouldn’t be touring without you.” Still_Association
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – If they like the new band member they may think he IS a ‘better piece of the puzzle’.
It doesn’t hurt to give your opinion; however, if you are the only member with this opinion you are probably outnumbered. Then you will have to decide if you want to stay in the band with SodaPop as a member or start a new band.” BHumbleBHappy
6. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take Care Of My Father?
“I love my dad, but ever since he became disabled, my life had been going downhill. Back in December, he hit his head on the border of the stairs in front of our house since it was winter and was very slippery.
After that, he basically became bedridden and required all of my family to take care of him. In the beginning, I was willing to help completely, even dropping some of my classes in college to make extra hour shifts at my job to earn extra funds to support my family.
Recently I’ve been just so tired. I lost almost all of my motivation to do any of my assignments, I haven’t gone to college all week and I basically just work and work, the few times I get to relax is when I’m home, but I can’t rest since I need to take care of my dad.
My mom now has two jobs, my brother refuses to get a job and just goes to high school and plays video games. I feel so tired and I just want to rest but I can’t. I don’t want to take care of him anymore, it’s too much.
I’m thinking of just dropping out of college and focusing on my job so I can move out of this place. It was miserable for me. My mom is so stressed out and moody, my brother is basically useless and my dad is even worse.
He complains about every little detail and then complains that he can’t do anything because he is in bed all day. I want him to shut up. I’m really tired too. It would be easier if we just send him to a hospital to let the nurses take care of him, but that would be expensive and we’re a middle-low class family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It sounds like your family and you are suffering. Depressed. Exhausted.
Does your dad really need to be bedridden?
The first step would be talking to your mom, although her guilt might make it difficult for her to hear you.
The second is to try talking to his doctor and asking for assistance with placement.
DO NOT drop out of school, but DO go see the guidance counselor and start getting help for yourself. You have to get help for yourself.
Even without any money, there are plenty of resources for you, your dad, and your family. I have an adult handicapped daughter… I speak from experience.” Mimila1111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you should try to talk with mom and dad’s doctor about a physical therapist to work with getting him out of bed. His muscles will atrophy lying in bed all day.
Then he’ll never walk.” dinahdog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if you don’t move out and move on there is going to be a lot of hostility and resentment from him, your mother, and probably even your brother.” Treatwithcream
5. WIBTJ If I Stop Drinking Coffee?
“I work in a small office of 10 people, split between levels in our building. We expanded too fast so my department got the only open office left in the building, one floor down. There are plans to move us to the same floor when it opens up, but that won’t happen until next year.
As a result of us expanding too quickly, our office is missing a lot of the normal workplace stuff. My coworker and I were the first ones put in our office, and we both bring what we need from home, so it didn’t affect us.
We got two new coworkers about a month apart, and the Keurig that sat in our breakroom was replaced by two coffeepots because one coworker drinks decaf, and both declined to use the Keurig.
First few weeks my coworker made coffee every morning and eventually said to me ‘Should I make less coffee?
It doesn’t seem like anyone is drinking any.’ I explained that two of us bring our coffee from home, and the other coworker only drinks decaf. He started making less coffee and also started making our coworker decaf coffee each morning – super nice.
Then I ran out of coffee at home and so I brought my mug in to have coffee at work – I made the pot and let my coworker know it was because I was out of coffee. He thanked me a lot.
Both he and my other coworker later commented that I didn’t make the decaf coffee – I said nothing because I don’t drink decaf, so why would I make it?
I have continued to drink the work coffee, and not make the decaf.
In fact, I make the coffee every day and have for weeks, and if I’m honest, I’m kind of sick of it? My two new coworkers like to make snide remarks about how the one ‘has to make her own coffee because someone else won’t’ which is true, but like that is most of life?
They also like to make comments when I don’t join them for lunch, or how I prefer to drive myself to offsite work events instead of carpooling.
This brings us back to the coffee. I am tired of making the coffee each morning and washing the pot each night, especially with all of the annoying remarks.
I plan to tell my coworker I restocked on coffee at home and go back to bring it in, but I am worried about the snide comments. WIBTJ if I quit drinking coffee so I don’t have to do the chores associated with it anymore?
I know I’m overthinking this but it is a small office and the comments frustrate me. I don’t want to make enemies, but I also don’t enjoy feeling like I’m being taken advantage of.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, this is a case of miscommunication.
It sounds like they find you standoffish. I get that a lot too. I wish I could tell you there is an easy answer on how to overcome that, but it honestly takes a lot of work. People generally will find weird reasons to not like someone.
Sometimes it’s based on unspoken social rules that some people, especially people on the spectrum, cannot usually perceive.
In this case, the unspoken rule was that you make coffee for everybody when it’s your turn at the helm. They expected you to be grateful for the co-worker setting up a standard of ‘let’s make coffee for each other’ and that you were going to pay that kindness forward and then someone else would do the same for a few weeks.
Because you didn’t perceive this, someone got excluded and now they’re thinking you’re doing it intentionally.
What you should have done once you realized you were hurting someone’s feelings is try to rectify that. No, it’s not your responsibility to make people coffee just because they want you to.
But you should have asked to clarify the situation when you heard someone being passive-aggressive (I know, it’s hard and you shouldn’t have to, but if you want to exist in a community you have to play by its rules).
I think it’s fair if you ‘step down’ from the coffee-making duty but the comments and resentment are not going to go away until you make it clear that you didn’t understand. By you not engaging with them when invited, they have no other way to interpret your behavior but negatively.” Still_Association
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your coworkers are entitled jerks. Maybe they didn’t realize the whole situation, but they’re being jerks. I don’t think you need to stop. I think you could just bring it from home and tell them off when they make a remark.
Honestly, they need to be put in their place. However, if they’re petty enough to get angry over carpooling and having lunch with them, they’re probably a lost cause. They’re behaving like high school bullies.” FrederickChase
4. AITJ For Refusing To Go To Therapy?
“I have a non-substance addiction. I’m addicted to drawing. I recognize it for what it is. I’m aware it’s interfering with everyday life, work, and family time.
It is a coping mechanism I developed as a child and it’s only worsened into adulthood. It’s my escape from reality, not that my current life is bad. It just blocks out triggers, which only causes me depression, irritability, and fatigue.
At first, this didn’t bother my wife much. Probably because I wasn’t as consumed with it like I am now. My drawings are often extremely detailed and elaborate. Some single drawings I’ll put over 80 hours in. For the last few months, every time I’m at home and in my workspace drawing, my wife makes me lose focus by nagging me to stop.
So I started doing it at work to be left alone. Our 5-year-old daughter doodled over one of my work-in-progress drawings, I accidentally flipped my lid on her. My wife in return destroyed nearly all my completed drawings.
My wife sat me down and told me I’m going to get professional help whether I like it or not.
I actually agreed to go this time cause emotionally hurting our child in the moment of things surprised me and I felt horrible. I missed the first appointment, I had an absolute reasonable excuse. I had to stay over at work.
Because I missed my appointment, my wife decided to take matters into her own hands. She threw out my entire collection of colored pencils. These weren’t just Walmart child-quality pencils. They were professional grade, I had over $400 invested in them.
She also tossed all my heavyweight drawing paper. Probably another $200+ in the trash.
I told my wife due to her actions, I won’t be going to therapy now. Especially one she’s secured and spoke to prior to me even going.
I’ve suggested couples therapy, she blew up at me saying she’s not the one that needs help. She says I’m being extremely childish with my childish addiction and I need to get my mind out of my ‘messed up’ childhood.
Am I the jerk for not going to therapy unless she goes too?
Just a little update:
My sister came over for dinner last night. Honestly was the best person to act as a mediator between my wife and me because she of course lived through our childhood too and understands my drawings.
This was pretty much the topic the entire night.
As my sister put it: ‘You’re attacking his hobby. Taking his hobby away will only make things worse for his mental health. It’s like if you have a plant that has wilting leaves, you don’t pluck all the leaves off and hope for change.
It’s going to die. You figure out the root cause of what’s making the plant sick, you treat the issue. You need to be attacking the underlying cause that’s making him regress.’
So with that being said, my sister is setting me up with her counselor.
She gave me the info this morning and I’ve already called and have an appointment for Monday. My wife apologized to me last night in front of my sister for throwing away my things and ruining my drawings. I apologized for my behavior.
But I still think my wife needs therapy, even after my sister talking to her she still says she’s fine. So we’ll see. But I still have an issue with my wife, even though she apologized I still feel like I can’t really trust her, and I still feel tension from her.”
Another User Comments:
“Your wife has been putting up with you neglecting your household duties, your romantic and emotional duties to her, and your fatherly duties to your child for how many years? And that’s all ok because you can justify it to yourself?
But the minute you push her to the edge and she finally snaps, you punish her by refusing to get help, thereby condemning both her and your child to a lifetime of enduring more of your emotional mistreatment and your absence?
But you’re not sure if you’re the jerk?
Put another way, you’ve mistreated them, doesn’t matter that it is unintentional because it’s still what’s happening here, but you’re mad your wife is finally reacting to being mistreated all these years, and you’re punishing her for it, and you’re asking if you’re the jerk?
Yes. YTJ.” neeksknowsbest
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You acknowledge that you have a problem. You acknowledge that it is getting worse. You acknowledge that you have wronged your kid because of your problem. That’s a great start to the healing process.
Why you are: you equate your wife’s moment of anger over a conveniently placed overtime moment (without knowing your work, I can’t say beyond that, but somehow I doubt it would have been world-ending if you went to the doctor instead of overtime) as the same as your acknowledged increasing and borderline harassment and potentially child-harming addiction and reactions?
No, it’s not.
Go get help, and then approach couples counseling. You both have problems. Your problems are yours, her problem is you.” ivanthemute
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I understand non-substance addictions very well and knowing that something you have at home is causing you to check out and numb everyday life, getting rid of it ASAP is one of the best ways to move forward.
Now you missing your appointment, whether it was a reasonable excuse or not is never a good thing. Her reaction may seem harsh, but in all honesty, if you have been told about how your habit has been affecting your family, and you admit the damage that it caused your daughter, going to appointments is top of your priority list. If you knew you were going to miss it through no fault of your own, then you call the place and reschedule.
If you missed it due to work… sorry, but work should understand when you tell them you have a doctor’s appointment (whether it is an actual doctor or not). They cannot stop you from going. If they do, then you have a terrible manager.
Addicts find blame in everything and everyone else before finally looking at themselves and seeing the cause of the harm. Please do not use your family, especially your wife, as a reason for not going to get help. You stated that you have a problem.
You need to work on yourself to get yourself to be the best that you can be.
The art materials that were thrown away are nothing compared to a healthy life with your wife and child(ren). They are priceless.
And so are YOU. Go talk to the therapist… one that specializes in addictions, and keep moving forward one step at a time, one day at a time.
Good luck OP.” True-Tomatillo-4720
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Food?
“I (f18) have an extremely limited diet. There are about 5-6 safe foods (Pepperoni pizza, Mac and cheese, Tyson chicken nuggets, and some snack cakes) that I will eat on a regular basis.
Every couple of weeks, I’ll go out and buy these foods from the grocery store. The pizza and chicken nuggets are what I buy and eat the most. What I do is prepare a large portion (I.e a whole pizza) in the morning, then eat that throughout the day.
This is how I’ve done it for years.
This morning, I came downstairs to see that my mother had prepared my last pizza for my younger brother. I write my name on all of my food so that nobody gets confused. The pizza box did in fact have my name on it.
I asked my mother why she had given him my pizza and she said that my brother had already eaten all of the pizzas she bought for him and that I couldn’t possibly be planning to keep a whole pizza to myself.
This confused me because there was plenty of other food that my brother enjoys and he isn’t even a fan of pepperoni pizzas. (Picks all the pepperoni off)
I said that I was planning to keep my food to myself and moved all my food (aside from the frozen chicken nuggets) to my bedroom.
My mother is now calling me selfish and a jerk. AITJ?
Edit: I do pay for my own food.
(Yes, I know that my safe foods aren’t the healthiest. I’m autistic and have avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID).
I’m working with a therapist and nutritionist to try and find healthier options that I enjoy.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother should be well aware of your food/eating habits by now and the least she should’ve done was ask you or even offer to replace it for you.” Apprehensive_Tell586
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for not making sure you have enough food to get by, and for not sharing with family when I’m guessing you ate their food most of your life. Do you pay rent to live there?
Your mom is the jerk for giving your brother your pizza when she could have given him something else. Everyone sucks here and you should probably work towards moving out.” Charming_Ad8910
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; it’s hard enough having an eating disorder without having to worry about someone eating your limited food but I am glad you are working with a nutritionist to help promote healthier eating habits for yourself.
Wishing you the best of luck!” No-Hurry-3194
Another User Comments:
“Before I can make a judgment call, I’m curious if you contribute to the household in any way. I definitely think that things you buy for yourself should be seen as yours and therefore you should be asked first before eating things you spent your money on.
I also could see how a parent would see all food as up for grabs, especially if it’s a large portion and especially if you aren’t helping the household in any way.
I guess I’ve talked myself into a judgment.
Everyone sucks here. Your mum should have asked first if she knew that it was your pizza that you bought with your own money. But, you are living in her home and have a sibling so it might be expected that you should expect to share, and hoarding away all of your food in your room makes you seem like an immature hermit.
Just discuss boundaries for the future.
Also, I am really glad to hear that you’re trying to expand your diet because your limited food options are incredibly unhealthy. Best of luck!” ArpeggioTheUnbroken
2. AITJ For Letting My Friend Copy My Assignment?
“My teacher had assigned an essay which covered the reading material we reviewed in class.
I have this class in the morning so I often tell my friends what to expect on upcoming assignments. On the day of the essay, I come in and finish not feeling confident. A friend asks about the essay and a reference on how to start the essay.
I sent them my essay in full and moved on with my day. A few days later my essay is graded and I received an A+.
I went on with my day until a few days later I received an email and a notification for my grades.
My teacher found out my friend was influenced a bit too much by my essay and copied it to the point where it was similar to mine and my and my friend’s grade were changed to an F. Even though this didn’t greatly affect my grade it could’ve really affected my friend’s grade.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… I think your friend is for being too dense to make it more different. You were helping a friend out. They screwed you over. I wouldn’t be giving such heavy assistance to friends anymore if I was you.” toasted_toaster
Another User Comments:
“Your friend asked for advice on how to start their essay and instead of having a conversation and giving advice (or telling them sorry, no), your grand idea was to send them a copy of your entire essay?
That’s pretty much telling them to feel free to copy it. Everyone sucks here except for the teacher who was right to fail you both. You are both wrong.” serena999
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ
I’m assuming you’re in high school, but in college, they take academic dishonesty extremely seriously.
The punishment there won’t be an F, but it could be getting expelled from the college (both of you).
I understand wanting to help your friend, but copying isn’t a proper way of getting them help. If they needed extra support, they should be talking with the teacher, who can give them advice, or even extend deadlines for them.” LazuliArtz
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your friend asked for help knowing what to do on the essay, so you just sent him your completed copy?? That was less helpful than not doing anything at all honestly you just made it really easy for him to copy off you.
But in terms of him getting a bad grade that isn’t your fault… he shouldn’t have plagiarized. I would really recommend not sharing your assignments anymore… you are honestly lucky you didn’t get into more trouble than you did. Some schools would suspend or even expel you for this, and colleges usually have zero tolerance policies.” cleanpage4adirtygirl
1. AITJ For Being Upset At My Mother-In-Law About A Party?
“I (26F) got upset with my mother-in-law (50F). My MIL comes out to visit every 6 months and usually, it’s fine but this last visit was horrible. I lost my own mother this past September. I had just visited her last July so this came as a complete shock.
My MIL decided she wanted to visit in October. I told her it’ll be a little overwhelming for me but I let her come anyway because I thought it would be a good distraction for my kids.
It was getting close to my husband’s bday and my MIL wanted to throw him a party while she was here.
I agreed but didn’t want to help with planning or decorating. I did tell her that the plans need to be run by me for confirmation. She said okay. I didn’t hear much about the party until the day before she arrived and I was told she changed it into a surprise party with his old friends from school – people I have never met – and the last thing I heard of them from my husband wasn’t good.
I told her it wouldn’t be a good idea and that I’d have to think about it. She got all upset because the guests had already booked hotels for the party. I told her that her son would really be upset if those people showed up and she insisted it would be fine.
So I told my husband what she had planned because he’s not the type to like surprises at all. He got upset that she didn’t take our situation into consideration and invited random people to our house.
My husband decided to cancel the party.
My MIL made me look like a jerk and said I was the reason the party was canceled. After my husband explained to them what the real situation was, they understood. We decided to go to the pumpkin patch instead.
That night we were carving pumpkins and she was asked to help my oldest carve her pumpkin and my MIL went berserk. She started a whole fight about it. In front of my kids. She went outside and continued making a scene.
She finally calmed down and went to bed.
The next night she comes to me and says ‘your mom doesn’t know where the enter button on this remote is’. I looked at her puzzled. My mom? She’s dead. She has NEVER referred to herself as my mom.
She was only doing this to get a rise out of me and I knew it. Who doesn’t know where the enter button is? I let it slide. But seriously, who does that? MIL went to my oldest while she was playing with her aunt and said ‘I thought you loved grandma more?’ That was it.
I decided after she left that I wasn’t going to speak to her anymore. I sent her a long message describing why I was upset and set some boundaries. 6mos later she acts like she has no idea what went wrong and continues to paint herself as the victim.
She’s now calling around to people that live around us and keeps telling them that I won’t let her contact my kids. Untrue. Now I just get ugly looks from the rest of the family and no one wants to ask my side of the story.
Am I the jerk for not wanting to talk to her? Am I the one over exaggerating?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and for anyone who said you were the jerk they are absolutely jerks themselves. If I lost my mother in September and my MIL wanted to have a surprise birthday party in October for my husband I would have hands down said GOD NO. I can’t imagine trying to be happy at a freaking birthday party for an adult only 1 month after losing my own mother.
Your MIL is the jerk in this story.” sophi52760
Another User Comments:
“Gentle ‘everyone sucks here’. MIL tried to do something nice for your husband and her feelings were hurt when you and your husband spoiled the plans. MIL should have been more sensitive about your mental state when she was choosing how to react though.
I do think you’re being a bit overreactive to MIL’s actions, in the sense that you probably wouldn’t have cut off contact if she had done the same things prior to your mom’s passing. Seems like you’re just not ready to be around a mother figure right now and she needs to be okay with that for a bit while you heal. There’s no need for either of you to turn it into a bigger problem than that.” bnini22
