People Ask Us To Point Out Their Mistakes In Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories
19. AITJ For Trying To Decrease My Daughter's Connection With Other Family Members?
“During the first four-ish years of my daughter’s life, my husband and I had many fights and struggles. At one point he was living with my daughter and his brother for almost two years and we nearly got divorced. My daughter bonded very strongly with his brother’s wife.
opened my eyes and my husband and I have healed a lot, and I am repairing my relationship with him and my daughter. I attend sobriety groups and parenting classes. I understand these things take time. However, he continuously brings my daughter to visit his brother and her wife.
If you ask my daughter, she’ll say her favorite person is her aunt. My daughter can’t help this but my sister-in-law certainly can. She is always calling my daughter ‘my baby’, taking her on outings, etc. She will FaceTime my husband just to speak to my daughter.
She seems to not want to relinquish the place she took in my daughter’s life.
A few weeks ago I took my daughter to get her ears pierced for her birthday. This was supposed to be a special moment for us, it was the same birthday my mom took me.
But instead, my daughter started panicking uncontrollably and wanting my sister-in-law. She didn’t want to do it without my sister-in-law there. At this point, I decided to put my foot down. I have been trying to decrease the visits and the FaceTime.
But now my husband is catching on. I try to explain my daughter needs to spend time with us as a family without outside influences, and she needs to bond with her mother without being confused. He says I am being selfish.
I don’t see how it’s selfish to want to repair my relationship with my child. He says that it is unfair to my daughter, and I explained yes it is but he is making it a thousand times worse by not ripping off the band-aid.
I have worked so hard to get my family back, meanwhile, my husband will not even give me an inch. It’s frustrating that I am always made out to be the bad guy when all I want is to fix things.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re not trying to repair anything. You’re trying to hold your daughter hostage so you can feel like a mommy, without actually having to put in the work. Your daughter refused to do something scary & painful without the adult she trusts not to abandon her.
Let that sink in. You don’t win your daughter’s trust by stripping away everything that makes her feel safe.
Just to be clear. YTJ” Cara_Caeth
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.Op, congratulations on changing your life around. Please try to work on your relationship with your daughter not breaking the one she has with her aunt.
She will come around to you if you treat her right but don’t force her to bond with you straight away. Respect her boundaries you shouldn’t have made her get her ears pierced when she was freaking out this will make you a threat to her, not a support.
She is used to not having you around it’s going to take time. Best to do gentle supportive parenting and show her you are no threat to her relationship with her aunt. There is enough love to go around.” potassiumcat1
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – you lost a big chunk of time with your daughter due to your own addiction, I presume, given that you are struggling with sobriety now, and didn’t have custody of her before.
Your daughter deserves to have family in her life, regardless of your own insecurities.
If you want to be held in higher regard in her life, then you need to be part of her life and earn it. You can’t force it by removing the people who did your job for you. Refusing her access to her aunt will not endear you to her – it will just reinforce any abandonment issues she has already because of you.
You don’t say what all you are doing in regards to sobriety, but I would suggest that you look into therapy and parenting classes.” Gilly2878
18. AITJ For Not Wanting To Run With My Wife?
“I have three children (9, 11, 15). Considering my wife has a more demanding job, splitting childcare 50/50 makes no sense. Nonetheless, we are attempting to do more activities as a family. My children and I enjoy hiking, we do it every Sunday. My wife used to follow us, but she quit after 2020.
She’d been feeling a little disconnected from the kids since getting a promotion, so she decided to join us on one of our hiking expeditions. She had a difficult time keeping up with me and the other youngsters on our hiking trip.
She has gained 40 pounds during quarantine, but it has had no effect on her health or our way of life, especially given she weighed 120 before, so she isn’t overweight or anything.
When we returned from our trip, she wanted to be more active and expressed regret that she couldn’t keep up with the youngsters and felt alienated. I told her that was alright and that if she felt excluded, we could always go to a restaurant or somewhere else, but if she wants to be more active, that’s great.
She offered to accompany me on my run. No, I said. I’m surrounded by arguing and noise, especially since all of my children are learning to play an instrument. My run is my time to be alone. My wife is a talker; she can’t go on a run with me without striking up a conversation, and I don’t want to slow down for her.
I wouldn’t be able to cover as many miles if she followed me. I barely get to do it 2-3 times a week because of how stressful life can be, especially now that my mother is ill. I have to go to her house (she lives a 5-minute drive away) sometimes in the week to help her with some basic tasks.
My wife was annoyed that we weren’t doing it as a couple and accused me of trying to be the fun dad. And trying to sabotage her before she even started. I stated my point of view to her, but he believes I’m being obnoxious and trying to convince her that she’s out of shape and can’t keep up.
I believe she made the wrong interpretation. I informed her that wasn’t the case, but she’s been acting passive-aggressively and attempting to guilt me for the entire week since the argument that happened on Sunday. We’ve never argued like this before, and it’s our largest fight since we were married.
Am now questioning whether am in the wrong here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Maybe your delivery didn’t quite explain it the way you meant it. If you focused more on her not keeping up then I could see how it would have come over not that great, but if you focused on it being the limited time you get alone to truly decompress and destress, then she really shouldn’t have a problem with it and if she does, she needs to just get over it.
It’s perfectly OK for you to need a bit of time to yourself, I’m assuming that she gets the same at some point in her week too? If she doesn’t, she should try and find time to do that, but that doesn’t mean she gets to intrude on yours.” Sunflower_dream85
Another User Comments:
“You were right to preserve your runs as ALONE TIME and ‘me time’, OP. Everybody needs that.
Besides, nobody has fun on a ‘couples run’ when one person is a jackrabbit and the other is slogging and watching their partner disappear from sight far ahead.
It’s misery. If your wife can’t keep up with you hiking, I guarantee she can’t keep up with you running.
So keep your runs to yourself. But please brainstorm with your wife and find SOMETHING active that all 5 of you can do, as a family, that would be genuinely fun for all.
Walk through the zoo. Bicycle outings to the river valley for a picnic. Moderately difficult hikes where you 4 carry heavier packs and your wife doesn’t.
If you’re drawing a blank – well, what did you and your wife use to do together before the kids came along?
Does she still love those activities?
Accused me of trying to be the fun dad. And trying to sabotage her before she even started
This is more worrying, OP. Your wife is probably hating her 40-pounds-heavier-2020 body and is mad at herself, stressed from work and MIL’s situation, feeling out of touch with the kids, envious that you and the kids can hike together without difficulty… just a puddle of misery, and looking for somebody else to blame.
You are not to blame, you are not her fitness trainer and health coach, you are not her ‘competition’ or rival for your kids’ affections, and her trying to make you feel guilty is a really, really ugly look.
NTJ OP – and maybe you could make a point of running to your mother’s house to do those errands, kill two birds with one stone?” little500HondaCBR
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She needs to understand that’s your alone time to unwind and it’s something you like to do solo. But that’s a tough sell. Sounds like she’s realizing she’s changing due to her promotion and doesn’t know how to handle it.
She needs an out and seems she wants to get some exercise as well. Maybe you guys both do your own runs but pick one day a week to do it together. As she does her own she’ll gain more endurance and speed so you won’t have to slow down as much for her.” edtb
17. AITJ For Not Driving For Some Of The Workers?
“I (21F) am house-sitting for my parents this week while they’re away. My parents run a business on the premises that has six workers. These workers get to and from work using public transport. They walk to the bus stop, catch a bus to the train station and then get a train home.
This is the norm in my country.
However, when it’s raining and my parents are home, they usually offer to drop the workers off so that they don’t have to walk and since they’re already dropping them off, they typically just drive the workers to the train station.
It’s about 15 minutes to get to the train station and back (the entire trip is 15 mins, not 15 there and 15 back). However, my parents both drive minivans that can hold all 6 workers at once. My car only fits 5 people, me and 4 passengers.
Yesterday, it was raining around closing time so three of the workers came to me and asked if I could lift them to the bus stop. I had nothing planned so I said I had no problem taking all the way to the train station like my parents do.
They were thankful and agreed.
To be fair, I went into the workshop and informed the other three that I would be taking their colleagues to the train station. I said I had one seat left in my car that one of them could take and that I could lift the other two as well, but they would have to wait until I got back from dropping the first four off as there isn’t enough space in my car.
They didn’t like this as it would mean they had to wait 15 mins over their work time to get lifted. I told them that they could walk themselves if they wanted but they didn’t want to do that because it was raining and also because I was offering a lift all the way to the train station which would save them the bus fair.
So I told them to decide which of them would come with the first group or all three could get lifted together after I lifted the first group and then I went to go grab my car keys to get going.
When I went back, they had decided that all three of them wanted to wait, but they all wanted to be paid overtime because they were being kept late. I told them that they weren’t going to be working those 15 mins because they already locked up the workshop and also that the lift wasn’t something they were guaranteed, I was offering it because it was raining.
They refused that and said they all must be paid overtime. At this point, I called my parents but neither of them answered and the first group of workers was also getting annoyed because they wanted to go home. So I just refused to lift the second group and told them they could walk in the rain.
They said they would complain to my parents about my actions and left.
I feel guilty because I made them walk in the rain which my parents normally never do, but I also don’t think they deserved overtime just because my car was too small to take everyone in one trip and the lift to the train station was something extra, not something they’re entitled to.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. While it was kind of you to offer the lift to the train station, it wasn’t something that the workers were entitled to, and it’s not your responsibility to make sure that all six of them get home.
It’s also understandable that you couldn’t fit all of them in your car at once. You tried to come up with a solution by offering to take the other three after the first group, but they refused and demanded overtime pay instead.
You’re not obligated to pay them overtime for a situation that was out of your control, and they should have been grateful for the lift that you were able to offer.” Waxmaniac2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like they’re just being unappreciative.
You’re not obligated to give them a lift. It’s a favor. They should appreciate the ride. Your parents do it as a kindness, not out of obligation, either. If you don’t drive any ride that you aren’t paying out of pocket for is a favor to you and you should be thankful for it.
I don’t drive at all myself and that’s my personal feeling about it. You also don’t work for your parents, so you can’t approve overtime pay. Let your parents handle that.” Liss78
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but is there a specific reason you couldn’t just take one of the minivans?
Granted, they had no business demanding overtime just because it would be an extra 15 minutes or so after you dropped the first group off. They were trying to take advantage of you because they thought you were a pushover. You know the old saying.
‘When the cat’s away, the mice will play.’ Since the bosses weren’t there, they thought they could pull a fast one on you. I hope you told your folks about this, and I hope they backed you up and reprimanded the workers.” sharirogers
16. AITJ For Wanting To Be There When My Sister Gives Birth?
“I (40m) have a younger sister ‘Beth’ (28f) who’s due to give birth in a couple of weeks in another state. Unfortunately, her jerk of a husband is divorcing her and our mom is caring for our dad after he had his second heart-related surgery.
Beth was crying to me one night on the phone about how alone she felt after her best friend had to back out of being in the delivery room due to a family emergency and our sister couldn’t get the time off of work from her job overseas.
Beth said that her doctor told her that they may have to do a C-section and she was panicking. I let her cry about it for nearly an hour and then Big Brother mode kicked in and I offered to fly out and support her.
It was something I did without any real thought but I meant it because this was my baby sister and she was going through a rough time and told me she was scared. I have the type of job where I can get permission to work from home and since I’m well-liked and respected in the office, my boss was willing to let me do this provided that my work performance isn’t impacted.
My sister sounded so relieved when I told her the good news and everyone in the family was giving me a preverbal pat on the back. The only one who wasn’t happy was my wife ‘Kim’ (37f) who told me that I needed to stay here for the kids and that Beth can either find someone else or do it alone.
My kids ‘Cody’ (13m), ‘Chelsea’ (10f), and ‘Connor’ (7m) all know that their aunt is going through a tough time and needs help and said that they were fine with me leaving for a while.
Kim insisted that the kids were lying and didn’t want me to go and I said that even if it was true, I was still going because Beth needed me and that I would make it up to the kids later.
This caused a fight between us and in the heat of the moment, Kim admitted that she didn’t want me to go because she thought that it was weird for an uncle to be present at the birth. This brought up old wounds for me since I was denied access to the birthing room for all three of my children as Kim only wanted her mom and sister there.
In truth, Beth’s baby will be the first and possibly the only time I’ll ever get to see a baby be born and Kim doesn’t like it.
I snapped back with the aforementioned births of my children and said that if Kim didn’t want me to go so bad then she can call Beth, my parents, and my sister and explain it all to them because there was no way I was going to break Beth’s heart when she needed family most. Kim is now saying that I’m the jerk, am I?
Edit to add: I don’t know all the details yet but Beth told me that a C-section is a strong possibility.
I believe the average recovery rate for a C-section is about a month so I am prepared to stay that long to help my sister out but hopefully, my mom or another sister can take over two weeks post-birth.
As previously stated I got permission to work remotely and I have a lot of PTO saved up so there will be no loss of money.
My flight is two weeks from now and I paid for the ticket(s) out of my own personal checking account.
Beth’s soon-to-be ex convinced her to move to the opposite coast so she doesn’t have anyone she’s close to that can help her out.
All of my children are over the age of 5 and don’t have any special needs.
No Beth’s soon-to-be ex will not offer any type of support that isn’t court mandated because six months into the pregnancy he decided he was child-free and is angry that Beth wouldn’t agree to the adoption.
Beth does want to move back and we (my parents, another sister, and me) are going to help her after she healed up enough from the birth.
I completely understand the ‘let’s compromise’ approach but my wife doesn’t want me going at all and there is no way she’d agree to let Betty and the baby stay with us until she’s healed up even if we had a spare room.
Also, the plan is to help Betty move back to our side of the country after she’s given birth. The doctor doesn’t recommend she travel right now plus she wants to use the same doctor who’s been following along with her during her pregnancy.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You didn’t even discuss this with your wife first. You made the decision on your own with no regard for your wife and children.
You’re planning on not helping your wife with your shared household and family for a minimum of a full month.
You have obligations to your wife and children, a month is ridiculous.
Your wife because she used the kids as a pawn to manipulate you to stay. She needs to grow up and use her words like an adult, not lie and use other people to get her way.
You and your wife need to compromise her. You should be allowed to go support your sister when she has literally no one else in her corner but NOT FOR A FULL MONTH OR LONGER.
Your sister made the choice to live farther away from her family.
That means that on occasions such as this, they may not be able to drop everything and go to her. That was her decision and she needs to figure this out herself.
The only people here that don’t suck are your mom, dad, and your kids.” nousernamesleft24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Giving birth is one of the most vulnerable and painful experiences someone can be in. She will need someone there to be her advocate in the event she’s unable to advocate for herself. Absolutely good on you for stepping up.
It’s strange that your wife’s hangup seems to be an uncle being present in the delivery room…? When she had no problem having a grandma and aunt in her delivery room? While not letting you be present for the births of your own children?
She has no legitimate reasons and it honestly sounds like she has some issues that are her responsibility to work out.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Not for being there for the birth, but I think that’s lovely to support your sister.
But leaving your wife with three children for a minimum of 2 weeks, most likely a month, without her agreement is unreasonable. Putting pressure on your 13-year-old in your absence is unacceptable. He is a child and those children are your responsibility, not his.
Whilst your wife’s reasons for not being with your sister at the birth are so very strange and frankly unhealthy, you are literally dumping all parental & household responsibility on your wife for an extended period of time. This is going to impact your marriage and your children if you don’t rethink your approach.
You have gotten the children’s approval to leave, but not your wife’s approval to be the sole parent for a month, that’s so wrong.” Ok-Macaron-6211
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wife thinking that it is weird for an uncle to be present for the birth of their niece/nephew is not reason enough for your sister to go through this experience alone.
Your sister has already had so many people revoke their offers of support, to have you do so would cause a lot of unnecessary stress.
I say this every time, but it is always better to discuss it with your partner before making a decision.
It doesn’t mean that you have to abide by your partner’s preference, but it is important for your partner to feel included in the decision-making process. You’re a team. Not two soloists.
However, there are times when that just isn’t possible.
I can understand how, given the nature of your call with your sister, you made a decision without your wife.
Wishing your sister and the baby the best of luck!” Cactus_deluxe
15. AITJ For Getting Tattoos Only With My Stepsister?
“I (21m) have always been close to my step-sister (21f). We were best friends in school even before our parents started being together when we were 7. I also grew up without my dad so my ‘step’-dad had also been like my dad before our parents were together and even now he is 100% my dad.
I only started talking to my bio father when I was 15 and it’s never been a father-son relationship. The first time I met him I was 17. That was also the first time I met my half-sister (19f now). My relationship with my bio father and half-sister isn’t very close but talk on occasion.
My half-sister is still very much a stranger to me since we don’t spend much time together.
I and my sis (step) recently got matching tattoos. It’s just a rose with each other’s names written in cursive on the stem.
There are just cute little tattoos on the side of our wrists, nothing big. I and my sister posted the tattoos to Instagram and my half-sister ended up seeing it. She’s now upset and huffy over not being included and so is my bio father I didn’t include her.
I tried to be polite about it but they kept pushing so I told them the truth, they are basically strangers to me that I see occasionally. We are not family, at best you are people I want to get to know but still will never be as close to me as my sister and dad are to me, and at worse you are just a sperm donor and sperm donor’s daughter.
I feel I was a bit harsh there but I was sick of their nonsense and feeling entitled to a close relationship to the point I should get a matching tattoo with a person I barely know. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it sounds like this is far bigger than a tattoo. I do think if half-sister feels like she’s close enough to be included, the idea that you’re not family might be one-sided on your part, though. I can see how this would’ve put that in a different perspective for her and been jarring to realize, but it doesn’t make her entitled to be part of this with you and your step-sister.
I get the feeling there’s a bigger reason why you don’t feel connected to bio-dad and half-sis than just not seeing them that often.” Budge1025
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for many reasons. First and foremost are the ones you mentioned, you’re not close to them.
That is all on your bio father for abandoning you as a small child! Once you met your bio half-sister, your half-sister could have made an effort to actually get to know you. She didn’t. That’s on her.
And your sister is only your stepsister-not a stepsister to your half-sister. It wouldn’t really make sense for this particular tattoo because she has no connection to your stepsister. You would technically get different tattoos for your half-sister if she had made an effort to bond with you.
Definitely NTJ!” Ghostwalker1622
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your (step)sister has been in your life for at least 15 years, you were friends first and then siblings later. The tattoo is just as much a mark of your friendship as your sibling relationship.
Your half-sister has been in your life 4 years and is basically a stranger to you, if she and your bio father want the two of you to have a closer relationship then she needs to make that effort, but they need to realize that the relationship you might cultivate will never be as close as the one you already have with your sister.
Because of not just the fact you’ve shared so many life milestones together but because you’re genuinely friends before being siblings.” AmoraLynn
14. AITJ For Forbidding My Grandparents From Taking My Cat To The "Summer House"?
“I (14F) have a cat names missy. To me, she’s like the whole world. Currently, I’m with my grandparents because of my mom’s business trip.
We live in an apartment but we have a little house in the hills where they will sometimes go. We used to have two cats and they would constantly bring the kitten up there. One day he just disappeared and we never saw him after that.
The cat isn’t the family cat or something it’s 100% mine. My friend got it and I feed her cleaned her litter box and everything.
Now comes the problem. I told them that it is ok for them to bring her there with them as long as they don’t lose her.
I let her go up there because she needs the fresh air and nature as we live in the city. Yesterday they went up there and when they came back she wasn’t with them. I asked them where she was and they just said they didn’t find her so they left her up there.
They did the one thing I asked them not to do. They said they waited for 15 minutes, that she didn’t show up and they left. I had a mental breakdown.
There was a really dark time when the only thing keeping me alive was the thought of what would happen to her if I died. She’s the sole reason I’m alive today.
I just shut myself in my room and cried. I knew that I couldn’t do anything. In the end, they went back up there not to find her but because they forgot their phone. Luckily she was there when they arrived she was sitting on the porch so they took her home as well.
I told them that from now on as the cat is mine they won’t be allowed to take her up there because I don’t want anything to happen to her. As I said she means the world to me and I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I know what I said might’ve been harsh but she means a lot to me and I don’t want anything to happen to her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Cats are territorial. You can’t move them around like dogs.
All you are doing is dropping them into territory already owned by another feline, maybe a cat, maybe a lynx, etc. They will be stressed out and feel the need to mark out and then fight for the area around the house.
They are not ‘enjoying nature’ To them, it feels like they are patrolling enemy territory in a war zone.” Comfortable-Web9455
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Waiting only 15 minutes for her to return is ridiculous and frankly cruel. They cannot be trusted with her.
But on another note, I wouldn’t let an indoor cat run around in random woods in the future, even if you’re with her. She doesn’t know how to survive in that environment if she doesn’t live in it, and it could be stressful for her.
There might also be predators in the area you’re unaware of that will leave humans alone but would go for a cat. Not to mention you’d need to update her medications for tick, flea, rabies, and worm prevention depending on the area.
Cats don’t ‘need’ nature, they just need an adequately stimulating environment.” Charming-Barnacle-15
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like at all. They did the one thing you asked them not to do, and it seems like they were pretty careless about it.
I do think you should sit down and explain to them how you view your cat though because they don’t seem to understand that she’s not just a pet, she’s your family.
Also, just an FYI: you don’t actually need to take your cat up there for fresh air.
If they have a stimulating environment at home, that’s all they need to live a happy, thriving, life. Plus, the outdoors can be dangerous — like my first cat from when I was a teenager contracted FIV from something outside, and I ended up losing him pretty early on.” petielvrrr
13. AITJ For Surprise Visiting My Daughter?
“My husband (60M) and I (55F) have two kids, Sam (32M) and Hanna (30F).
We used to be a very lovely close family. The kids grew up and left for college and understandably, we got to see them much less frequently than before.
With that being said, Sam always comes back home with his family for Christmas, our birthdays, just randomly, and calls us regularly, updates us on his life and etc. We have a very close relationship with his kids and wife as well.
Hanna is a whole different story. She hasn’t really paid much of an attention to us since she left for college. Every time I try to contact her she says she is busy with work, and she travels all over the world with her family.
She hasn’t come to see us once even since 2020. I mean I hear more from her wife (28F – Maeve) than I do from her directly and even that is limited to a few pictures of their son (3) every now and then.
My husband and I were visiting the city Hanna lives in, which is quite far away from our own. We actually went there to possibly see her if she was available. I called Maeve and after a few minutes, she called to say we were set for dinner.
We had a hotel room and just wanted to see Hanna for dinner one day while we were there.
We went out to dinner and saw Hanna’s family. She took us out to a very fancy restaurant and didn’t let us pay even though we insisted we wanted it to be our treat.
She took us back to their house for the night and said we could stay.
When she was showing us the room, she told my husband and I that we should have called her and directly asked her for an appropriate time because she had to cancel a very important meeting and move her entire schedule to accommodate this night.
We explained that we had to do this because she never came to see us unlike Sam and was barely available when we called her phone. She called us ridiculous and said we should have gone to Sam’s instead. She left early the next morning and Maeve has been kind of distant since the incident.
Were we wrong to go there unannounced?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
There’s absolutely a reason your daughter is distant. You may not know what it is, but you’re not going to solve this by ignoring the boundaries she’s clearly trying to set.
Having someone show up suddenly in your town would be very off-putting to most people. And then you specifically told her that you did it intentionally because you knew you wouldn’t be able to see her otherwise, which is a pretty creepy thing to say!
I think you should apologize and let her determine any future visits. This isn’t something you can bulldoze your way through. But if your daughter got distant as soon as she legally could, there’s definitely some story there.” madelinegumbo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Just showing up and expecting people to drop everything to accommodate you is rude. It was rude to just drop in on your daughter and her family and expect them to change all their plans for you, but despite that, they still dealt with all the inconvenience you caused in order to see you and treated you very well.
All your daughter asked was that next time you plan ahead with her so that you can make plans at a time that works well for both sides. That’s hardly an unreasonable request. Many people consider that basic social decency.
But with how you responded to her request that you show more respect to her, her family, and their schedule, it’s no wonder why she has so little to do with you. You should have just apologized, thanked her for dropping everything, and agreed next time to plan ahead.
Instead, you took no responsibility for the inconvenience you caused her/her family and instead tried to place the blame on her for your rudeness. I wouldn’t want to socialize with you much either.” tan_sandoval
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You don’t show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to play host and be happy about it. It would have been better to say you would be in town on X date and would like to get together for dinner (or lunch or coffee or a chat or whatever) and give her time to plan her schedule or suggest an alternate date.
Using her brother’s visits as an excuse to drop in unannounced is utter nonsense. The 2 are completely unrelated. And maybe she has her reasons for being distant. Probably better to find that out than showing up unannounced at the front door.” Ducky818
12. AITJ For Not Letting My Brother's Behavior Slide?
“This all started after ‘James’ and his ex split up. Long story short he always put his friends before family and he also had a problem with drinking.
His ex gave him plenty of opportunities to put her and their young daughter first but obviously, she got tired of waiting for him to grow up and she became linked with another guy and they ended up together.
So fast forward a year or so and James and his ex were at least borderline civil up to this point.
James started seeing someone again and met my now SIL. SIL had a few boys from her previous relationship and got into my brother’s ear about how he shouldn’t treat his 3-year-old daughter differently from her boys.
Anyway SIL started to ‘coach’ my brother about how he should interact with his ex and that the rest of his family should only see his daughter during the days he had her because there were no court orders in place between him and his ex.
This is where the tensions started rising between him and the family. I personally watched him walk down the aisle of a shopping center when his daughter and ex were there and he completely ignored her. I sat down and said you don’t have to like your ex but you have to at least be civil to your daughter, as did our older brothers and parents.
So after a month or so my elder brother had his 2-year-old’s bday party and didn’t invite my brother’s then partner’s sons as A) he had never met her and B) they were all significantly older than his son and he thought why would they want to come to a 2-year-old’s party?
So after this, the fallouts started beginning and eventually I was told to off with the rest of the family. Me being me basically said righto mate whatever. Every so often I’d get an abusive text message one of which he claimed to have made the last effort to be civil by contacting me which I didn’t respond to.
I replied with you’re right, If I recall you told me to get lost and never talk to you again, so why would I bother replying, the common denominator seems to be you, none of us turned our back on you?
No response.
So anyway fast forward 6 or so years and he has slowly started talking with my brothers and parents but never actually apologized. I said he owes people an apology, and if they want to take a no-harm no foul approach and sweep the behavior under the rug that’s their choice and I get it.
My mother told me one of us has to be the bigger person and extend an olive branch but I honestly don’t see why it should be me. She says I’m just being stubborn and I should move on.
But am I the jerk for holding him accountable and wanting him to apologize for the way he treated everyone for the better half of a decade?
My mindset is if I roll over he will always portray himself as the victim, and that it’s OK he brushes everyone the next time someone says something he doesn’t like because we’ll just let the behavior slide.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
‘My mother told me one of us has to be the bigger person and extend an olive branch but I honestly don’t see why it should be me. She says I’m just being stubborn and I should move on.’
You’re absolutely NOT being stubborn. You did nothing wrong, and your mom sounds like she cares more about having your brother present than she does about him being abusive to you. Which is trashy. Also, I assume you’re all adults, so y’all get to act like it.
You get to act like an adult by choosing how you’re treated by the people you spend time around, and your brother gets to be treated like an adult and feel the consequences of his actions.” PigNABridesmaidDress
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, and you are not wrong… but holding the moral high ground here is going to potentially stop you from ever having a relationship with your brother again (and, by extension, put a strain on your relationship with your family when it comes to your brother).
It sounds like he was wrong… and a jerk… but he is trying to reach out now. Saying you are sorry or that you are wrong isn’t easy. I’m not excusing his behavior, but which is more important to you?
Rebuilding your relationship or being right?” Jynx-Online
Another User Comments:
“I propose a compromise. Reword the reasonable demand for an apology only for yourself, letting the other people decide whether they want to be around a person as trashy as James, or not.
After that, ignore or redirect any arguments about bigger people, bygones, finding Jesus, extending branches, etc.
An apology, even an insincere one for social reasons, requires only three words and some sort of admission of wrongdoing. He can’t reach it, so there you have it.
NTJ” Due_Letterhead_8927
11. AITJ For Thinking Of Just Making Five Necklaces?
“I have a brother and a sister and my mom is in the picture. My parents divorced in 2012 but were on okay terms for the most part.
I married my wife in Sept ‘17. My dad passed away recently. From the time that he married my mom to the point that he died, he wore the same necklace. We have hundreds of photos of him and that necklace but when he passed away we couldn’t find it.
He remarried a total monster and I think she has something to do with the missing necklace.
I contacted jewelers in his hometown to see if we could get 4 of the same necklaces made for me, my brother, my sister, and my mom.
(She never stopped loving him. Never dated anyone else.) My wife says it’s not fair she isn’t getting one. We’re the only ones married out of my siblings and she doesn’t think my mother should have one if she can’t have one because they both married into this family.
I told her I would get any other piece of jewelry made for her. Literally, anything she wanted. Like maybe a ring made with his birthstone or something. But not the necklace. I wanted to save that for us 4.
I am excluding my brother’s steady partner as well.
But she still cries and says it’s not fair and that she’s mourning too. I struggle comprehending emotions so I’m uncertain if I’m being a jerk. I certainly feel like I am. I can’t ask my friends because they’d be biased toward me.
She’s brought it up every day for a week straight. Should I just make 5 necklaces?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
I think you each have valid reasons for wanting things the way you do. You want the necklaces for your dad’s nuclear family.
Your wife IS your family now, so she feels that by gatekeeping the necklaces, you don’t see her as family, and she is hurt. Honestly, I don’t see the harm in making another necklace. It’s not as if it’s original or a family heirloom.
It will make your wife feel included in the family.” siempre_maria
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You, your mother, and your siblings are wearing replicas of the necklace worn by your father on account of so many years of love, respect, and a familial bond that has come to be which can never be extinguished despite his passing.
Your wife has contributed ZERO to all this. Who married who and into what is irrelevant and her mourning has nothing to do with any of it. So tell her to stop whining and respect the reasons and wishes of your siblings and your mother without insulting your father’s memory.
Your mother gets a necklace and your wife doesn’t. Period.” ganztechnerd
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – If you can give a necklace to his divorced spouse then you can give one to your wife as well. Right now you are showing your wife she is not part of your family and every time she sees that necklace on you and the others she is going to remember the painful way you made her feel.
The necklace will be a constant reminder that you do not value her as a partner and don’t consider her family. This could lead to the end of your marriage and only you know if the end result is worth it or not.” meanoldelady
10. AITJ For Not Telling My Husband That I'm Buying A House With My Sister?
“My sister asked me if I wanted to buy a house together as she wants to own a property before marrying her fiancé. It’s something we discussed often after we graduated and I still think it’s a good idea for us to buy something together for multiple reasons so I said yes.
We looked at a few properties online just to get an idea about what we both liked but we haven’t done anything else to actually buy a house besides discussing it.
Her fiancé found out and he was angry about it so he called my husband and completely exaggerated the entire situation.
I was going to tell my husband myself eventually but he’s upset with me because he had to find out from somebody else. We keep fighting over it even though I don’t think this is something worth fighting about as I was always going to tell him before we got serious about buying anything and he’s the one who always says it would be good for me to have my own assets.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I can’t imagine not telling my partner about something like that. That is a HUGE purchase which will affect your credit score, debt, etc – not to mention, WHY wouldn’t you tell him? What step are you at in this process?
You could just say, hey, my sister and I were discussing buying a house together as an investment property, are you cool with me using some of our finances to buy it? Even if you don’t share finances, from a financial standpoint, this has implications for your taxes.
On a decent human being level, omitting info is lying.” Snarfles55
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – While it’s understandable that you and your sister have discussed the idea of buying a house together, making such a significant financial decision without informing your spouse is not the right approach.
It’s important to communicate with your partner about major decisions that can impact your financial and living situation, especially if it involves joint ownership of property.
Your husband has a right to feel upset and betrayed that you agreed to buy a house with your sister without informing him first, even if you were planning to tell him eventually.
It’s important to address his concerns and reassure him that he is still an important part of your decision-making process.
Moving forward, it’s crucial to have an open and honest dialogue with your husband about your plans to buy a house with your sister.
This will help build trust and ensure that you are both on the same page about the financial implications of joint ownership of property.” Waxmaniac2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Would you have a problem if, when you went to try and finalize the purchase of a house, you weren’t able to secure the loan because your spouse had spent a large (say, house-sized) sum of money without consulting you first?
Finances are a huge deal in relationships/marriages, and you have the gall to describe it as not ‘think(ing) this is something worth fighting about.’ Way to dismiss your partner entirely, I bet that’s going over swimmingly.
Lastly, don’t blame your sister’s fiancé for ‘completely exaggerating the entire situation.’ The bare bones details are more than overwhelming as it is, and I doubt anything that he said made it any more or less of a situation than what you guys had already created for yourselves.” LtDan281
9. AITJ For Saying My Mother-In-Law Is A Terrible Mom?
“Every year around Easter, me and my husband visit his family for a week or so. We all go to his mother’s house with his brother and his two young girls (5 & 7 years old). We’ve been together 6 years and it’s always been what we’ve done.
Relatively recently, my husband was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He has always had some trouble mentally, but he’s absolutely never acted violently or been excessively erratic. He has some auditory hallucinations, but if you didn’t know, he’d just seem uncomfortable.
When we told his mother, she was a little off-put but seemed generally supportive.
That is until a few days ago when he was talking to her about our plans for the holidays. Apparently, she just straight admitted she didn’t think we should come. She said that our nieces were afraid to have him there and that they were too young to understand his situation.
She thought it would be too much for him and it’d just make everyone uncomfortable, so she thought we should ‘visit some other time’. He didn’t argue with her.
He told me about it that evening. He was clearly upset but didn’t say anything.
Just said that she was probably right. I was mad. This is where I think I could be a jerk, as he asked me to leave it alone.
Today I called her while he was at work. To be honest, I was very mean.
I said that it was my brother-in-law’s job to teach his children to be tolerant and they absolutely were old enough to understand. I said if she was willing to ditch her own son like that, she was a rat of a mother and we didn’t want to be there anyway.
She called my husband in tears, and now his brother called me to say what an awful person I am and how hard this all is for her. This whole thing just has my husband depressed, and he’s angry at me for saying anything at all.
I still think what she did was awful, but she’s not my mom. I think I might have just caused my man more grief than if I had just shut up. But it’s not fair, and he shouldn’t think he deserves that or that it’s reasonable to not want him around.
I just feel terrible about everything. Am I the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You had every right to be upset and angry on behalf of your husband. I would be too, but I would refrain from calling his family to chew them out.
That almost always just makes the situation worse. Calmly discussing the situation with them is fine but your husband had specifically asked you to leave it alone. You really should have. You may have honestly unintentionally made his issues worse as stress can worsen schizophrenic episodes.
The fact that his brother is so not understanding of how this mental disorder works sucks. Most people think schizophrenia means dangerous. They are wrong but God help anyone who tries to educate them. You need to apologize to his mother for your outburst. You were out of line.
You also need to apologize to your husband for making things worse for him. You should do whatever you can to start a new Easter tradition for y’all to enjoy together or with friends if this will be your new norm.” Disabled_Army_Vet_82
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. It’s really close though. You’re barely a jerk. Your MIL probably didn’t really think through what she was saying and the implications and somebody needs to communicate that to her. Going against your husband’s wishes doesn’t make you an to me, but doing it in a dramatic, mean-spirited way does.
You amped up the drama of an uncomfortable situation and now it’s going to be more difficult to resolve. That said – if it were me, I’d probably be the jerk too.” cartoonsandwich
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
How was this going to make anything any better?
I get you were mad. And I agree, they handled his diagnosis poorly. But you had to know there would be collateral damage when you insulted his entire side of the family. I wish you would have just told her the truth.
That he was devastated to hear that he wasn’t invited and that they were misunderstanding the diagnosis… (For a condition he might have had his whole life).
He needed an advocate in this situation.” TheHipReplacement
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Except for your husband.
I’m schizophrenic. I get it. He’s dealing with enough as it is and needs support. It sucks that his family won’t support him and is instead perpetuating the stigma around this illness. Especially by teaching the younger generation to be afraid.
There’s no shot those kids were afraid of him coming until they were scared by mom/brother about it if they’re not just being used as scapegoats.
He asked you to leave it alone, though. You took away his agency to deal with it how he wants to.
Not a very supportive move. You put your feelings (understandable anger at his family) above his feelings about his own family and own illness.” LSilvertongue
No matter how old they are, your children are always your children. You care for and support them. And continue to guide them to the best possible outcomes. Mother dumped her mentally unwell son. She's not a good mother. And DIL is NTJ for.confronting her.
8. AITJ For Not Letting My Ex-Husband Visit Our Dogs?
“My ex-husband and I have been separated for five years.
We have a 7-year-old son we (obviously) split custody of and I took our 2 dogs. He bought one of them for my birthday 8 years ago and the other is a rescue he found while out on a run 6 years ago.
He never liked dogs and it took 10 years of wearing him down before he allowed us to get one. He works long unpredictable hours and sometimes travels for work, so a dog doesn’t fit his lifestyle.
Over the last few years, he would sometimes take the dogs on days he has our son and pick them up to take them hiking.
We made a deal that I would allow him to take the dogs whenever he wanted as long as he took them when I needed them. In June my partner and I took our kids on a 2-week vacation, so in advance, I contacted my ex and asked him to take the dogs.
He agreed but then 3 weeks before the trip said he couldn’t take them because he would be in a different city for work. I told him he needed to figure out someone to watch the dogs then. He told me that they were my dogs, and it was my business to sort that out but that he would pay for a kennel.
I didn’t want the dogs to go to a kennel because they never had before, and the rescue has a lot of anxiety already. I asked if he knew someone that could take the dogs and he said no. After some back and forth, against my wishes I found a good kennel for the dogs to stay at for the first 5 days of the trip before my ex picked them up.
While I was away the kennel sent me updates on the dogs. As predicted my rescue dog was very stressed and depressed. I then received an update from them the day after my ex was supposed to pick them up, when I replied asking why they hadn’t been picked up already they told me my ex had extended their stay.
I texted him and told him he needed to pick the dogs up because the rescue wasn’t having a good time, he blew me off and told me they would be fine and that they were better off there than stuck in his house while he was at work.
He finally picked them up on Friday, 3 days before we got back.
Since last June, he has asked me to take the dogs a few times, and each time I have told him no. He didn’t want the dogs when it was inconvenient to him and now, he doesn’t get the dogs when he wants them.
He came to my house unannounced last Saturday wanting to take them hiking with him and I told him no and we got into an argument, and I told him I’m not going to let him see the dogs again until the next time I need him to watch them.
He thinks I’m being unfair by expecting him to change his work schedule to watch the dogs and he has a right to see the dogs as he’s bonded with them. Even my partner is taking his side and called me cruel from trying to keep the dogs from him.
He never wanted or liked dogs and he only want to see them whenever it is convenient for him. Once he takes the dogs when I next need him to, I will again give him the same access to the dogs as before.
Am I being the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“His work trip overlapped with 5 days of her vacation, but he extended the kennel stay for another 6 days because he didn’t feel like bringing them to his house.
An anxious rescue that was having worsened anxiety issues at the kennel would really have benefited from a safe and familiar place covered in safe and familiar scents.
Everyone seems to agree that they are OP’s dogs and OP’s responsibility. But somehow when the ex wants to come by unannounced, OP just has to let him? Nonsense.
NTJ. If he had picked them up as soon as he got back in town from work, then mildly OP would’ve been at fault for how they handled it.
But the ex clearly doesn’t care about the dogs. He just wants some furry accessories for his hike.” woahtherebuddyboi
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You can’t honestly expect your ex to be at your beck and call every time you leave town and need someone to watch the dogs.
You also can’t honestly expect him to be responsible for making arrangements for care or funding kennel stays for dogs who are technically no longer his. Your expectations seem unrealistic and unfair. I think it is wonderful that you and your ex have generally been able to find a mutually beneficial arrangement in which you get free care and he gets to see the dogs but it’s your responsibility to have a backup plan.” Fit-Ad-7276
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He doesn’t get to hang out with and then abandon the dogs like they’re objects. He clearly doesn’t care about their comfort and only wants the dogs when ‘hiking.’ Honestly just sounds like he is scared of other predators around and uses the dogs to guard him and make sure he’s feeling safe.
He doesn’t sound like a dog person, he sounds like someone that uses them when he sees a good use for them.
Your partner is the jerk too because he wouldn’t agree to your rescue dog being under such distress just because your ex refuses to pick them up or take them in when he agreed to.
If he really cared, he would have found overnight sitters on Rover. There are plenty for $40 a night or more/less depending on the area. If he really cared he’d have made an effort to find someone, even a local family or neighbor instead of turning down op right away.
You’re fine op. Don’t listen to your partner and ex tell you that you need to let your dogs be treated however they want.” FairyOfTheNight
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re being really petty over something that was entirely your responsibility, to begin with.
Also, it doesn’t matter if your ex was initially resistant to getting a dog. He’s clearly enjoying them now. Let him take them on hikes. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain with a guy you have to co-parent with.
Get on Rover (or another reliable site) and start looking for someone who can house sit for you and the dogs when you have to be away. Develop the relationship now, before you need them for a longer period. My husband and I have had three great house sitters who took care of our pointer/lab when we wanted Cami to remain in her own home instead of going to a kennel.
They were all background checked by the company.” CPSue
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Brother's New Partner To My Wedding?
“I (30f) am getting married in 6 months. I have a younger brother (27m) whose relationship of 7 years ended three months ago. The reason for the breakup was that he had an affair with the girl he is currently with.
His former partner was like a sister to me, we grew to be really close during these past 7 years and I was really disappointed in my brother he had done such a thing to such a sweet person.
I was really excited to have this girl at my bridal party. Now she won’t even be at the wedding for obvious reasons, and on top of that, my brother expects me to invite his current partner. I really don’t want her there.
Even if they had started their relationship in a ‘normal’ way (like, not being unfaithful) I’m not sure I would want to invite someone I met only a few months prior to the wedding day (I’ve been planning my wedding for longer than I’ve known this person!).
Also knowing that this new girl really hurt my ‘ex-sister-in-law’ and the fact that she is the main reason she won’t be there not there would make me really mad and sad every time I saw her at the reception.
I’m so mad at my brother too, cause what he did is awful. The only reason he is still on the wedding list is that I know my mother will start drama if I don’t invite him.
I don’t think I’m the jerk, but my brother and my dad are calling me a bridezilla and my mother is telling me I’m ruining the day for her.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your day, your choice of who you want to invite and who you don’t. Also, considering that the ex-SIL was like a sister shows how close you were with her, and given that it’s totally understandable that you would not want to invite the new girl.
Let your brother and dad say whatever they’d like to, but you’re hurt too with the way the previous relationship ended because you formed bonds with that person too, and if they’re hurt and you could avoid hurting them even more AND look out for who you would like to invite and who you wouldn’t, then why wouldn’t you do that?
Your wedding, your choice. Don’t invite the new girl. You are NOT obligated to do that.” notyourwitch_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Perfectly understandable reaction.
If you don’t depend on your parents for anything and they aren’t contributing to the wedding financially, you can tell your brother he’s uninvited and tell your parents that they either shut up, be happy and come and support your marriage or continue to enable an unfaithful piece of work and you won’t have any of them at your wedding.” HarveySnake
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
That said… since the wedding is still six months off, I would maybe pencil him in a plus one and not tell him. I get that you hate her and I don’t blame you. I am hoping they are broken up by then and maybe they will be!
But it’s possible… she might be your future sister-in-law. I had it happen that way with a cousin. They were both seeing other people when they met, were unfaithful with each other, and now have been happily married for 20 years with four kids.
So… not a great start. I don’t blame you for being mad and hurt, but the thing is, he will always be your brother. If she turns out to be your future SIL and you snubbed her, this could backfire in your face in a huge way and you might come to regret the drama for the next 50 years you have to see them on holidays.
So if it were me, I might tell him and your mother that you’re thinking about it, and give yourself a little time. See how things play out. You can always choose to add her or not at the last minute.
If they’re still four months from now, that may be a sign things are serious.” avocadosdontbite
Sorry, but your brother didn't get to choose your partner, and you don't get to choose for him.
You're judging your brother and punishing him. He did it the wrong way, but he wasn't happy in the relationship he was in and he found someone else who is better for him.
It's up to his ex and the higher powers to punish him, you really aren't involved in this.
Let your brother bring who he wants to your wedding. You will be far too busy and involved with everything to even notice probably.
Who knows, you might end up liking this girl a lot.
Also his ex, your friend shouldn't want to be with someone that isn't totally into her anyway. Now she can find a better partner that loves her unconditionally.
6. AITJ For Thinking That My Partner Is Giving Malicious Intent To My Questions?
“My (21 f) partner (20 f) have been together for 11 months. She is on the spectrum while I am neurotypical at best. Sometimes she does strange or questionable things that I cannot understand why she would do that.
So I usually tend to question her on a lot of the things she does and it’s something that I do with most people. And it’s usually pretty simple things like ‘why do you always carry so many things in your bag’ ‘why would u walk over there instead of over here’ and ‘why are you doing this versus that’.
There is zero judgment they’re just reflex questions. But she says that she feels like I’m criticizing her. But I don’t understand why she doesn’t just stand firm in whatever she’s doing. It’s not like I’m saying what she’s doing is wrong I’m just wondering why she does what she does.
Most of my friends and family would stand firm in whatever their doing and brush me off by either saying I don’t know or because I want to. Since im questioning simple stuff. And ill accept that and move on.
But my partner is convinced that I’m criticizing her. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, imagine for a minute that you view the world differently than almost everyone around you. Say for example your version of purple is everyone’s green.
Now say your partner asks you why you always wear green with red and not black. Why do you always pause when the light turns green?
Your partner knows she views the world from a different lens. For a lot of neurodivergent persons, this is filled with shame.
Many of us want nothing more than to be normal. So when people question us on why we do this or that it feels like added judgment. It also feels like the people we love can’t accept us as we are because she isn’t good enough to be like everyone else.
So ask yourself if you had a friend you knew was color blind would you constantly ask questions related to their choices involving color? Would you consider it a sensitive subject? Your partner is telling you she is sensitive to this.
So fight the urge to do it and if you do just say sorry babe, you do you!” Justtakeit1776
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why do you feel the need to question everything she does if you don’t find what she’s doing somehow problematic/bothersome?
If you don’t mind whatever it is she’s doing, then just shut up about it. What exactly are these constant questions accomplishing? They’re not adding to the conversation, and you’re not learning more about your partner, so what are they really for?
Saying they’re ‘reflex questions’ is no excuse. Your brain is fully in control of your mouth, you’re not a toddler. So, why are you questioning her, if none of the things she’s doing bother you?
If you realize the stuff she’s doing actually does bother you for some reason, then grow up and own it.
Sit her down and admit that, yes, you have in fact been criticizing her, and explain why you’re doing so and let her respond from there. I’d hope that she dumps you, but that’s just me.” ReluctantViking
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It sounds like you’re asking her a lot of questions, and while it may not be your intention to criticize her, it’s understandable that she feels like you are. It’s likely because she’s on the spectrum and may be more sensitive to the way you phrase your questions.
You should try to be more mindful of how you phrase things and be aware that she may interpret your questions differently than you intend them.” The_IT_Dude_
5. AITJ For Saying I Am Not Proud Of My Sister?
“I (28f) have a sister, Mia (16f). We’re really close.
Mia’s being bullied by a couple of kids. We’ve tried everything but the school is not cooperating.
My parents have suggested moving but Mia refuses so we’re trying to support her.
Anyways, my mom got a call from the school a couple of days ago and what happened was that Mia recorded a boy and posted it on social media.
They showed my mom the video and the boy was crying really badly (like a panic attack) while a teacher comforted him. They knew it was Mia because she didn’t try to hide it.
Mia seemed unbothered by the whole thing and I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt.
If this boy bullied her, I’d understand. But this boy didn’t.
He’s one of the girls and is in the friend group but Mia admitted that he’s never around when the bullying happens. She doesn’t really have anything against him like she does with the others.
But her attitude kept getting worse.
While I do want her to stand up for herself and for the bullies to get a taste of their own medicine, I don’t want her to take it out on someone who isn’t involved and has problems of their own.
Besides, this boy is well-liked and she just dug a bigger hole for herself.
I picked her up from school yesterday and she looked more upbeat than usual so I asked her what was up. Apparently, there are rumors that the boy’s not coming back to school till next year because he’s getting sent to a mental health facility.
I asked my sister why this was good news. She said ‘well he’s like the center of the whole friend group and he’s -blank’s- SO. If he isn’t there, then the whole group falls apart and I get the upper hand.’ I asked her if this is what she really wanted. I mean she said herself that the boy’s actually pretty chill.
She said yes, he never said anything to me but guys like him need to be put down a bit. She then asked if I was proud of her.
I told her that I’m not. I’m actually disappointed. She got all quiet and said that she was just frustrated. She knew that no one would actually be mean to him so that’s why she decided to record and post his breakdown online.
I told her that she still messed up. She got mad at me and said that she thought I’d be on her side at least. I told her that I am on her side, but I’m not proud of her actions.
She called me a witch and hasn’t spoken to me since. AITJ? I know the situation isn’t fair, but what she did was wrong. Even she says that the boy was just an easy target.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is quickly becoming apparent why Mia has been targeted.
Please encourage your parents to haul Mia in by the ear and apologize to this poor boy. Her behavior is appalling and monstrous. Tell your parents how disturbed you are and insist they do something (they made her take down the video, right?
When they first learned about it? And told her how massively messed up it was that she did that in the first place?)
She’s turning into the female version of an incel, with her disgusting comment about ‘guys like him need to be put down a little bit.’
It would be best for everyone that your parents ignore her wishes, rip her out of that school, and put her in a new one.
With the positive acceptance towards mental health issues most kids have nowadays, this boy’s niceness and popularity, and your sister’s frankly disgusting glee, I think she has made a massive misstep and will now find herself the target of the entire school, and probably many of the adults.
Teachers who may have previously been a source of help will openly revile her for this.
I am shocked the boy’s parents haven’t filed some sort of criminal charges against Mia.
She is going to deserve whatever happens, so you better hope you get her out of there in time.” millac7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but he is connected to the bullying. He’s part of the friend group and most likely knows about what they’re doing even when not present, and is still a bystander.
This is his punishment along with one of the girls, but that doesn’t mean your sister shouldn’t be punished either.
He dug his hole with the people he surrounded himself with, she dug hers.
She is still the victim, but people expecting victims not to fight back are in denial.
Your parents shouldn’t have asked her to move once it was this bad.
Since she obviously has no one, they should have taken her out. What was her reason for not being taken out anyway?
Therapy and guidance counselors might not work because she’ll still be in the situation and she was level-headed when it happened. The most they’ll do will ask her how she would feel if she was him or to empathize with the bullies.
She might feel bad with time, but she took down one of the glues to her pain while your family and the school have given no results.” LucidMuddleness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think your response was appropriate. You held her accountable for her actions.
Her attitude is concerned… it’s possible, at her age, she may not be grasping the severity of the situation. Kids often have this like… invincibility complex, serious things that happen to others can seem like ‘water under the bridge’ to them because they may not have lived through real-life consequences yet.
Like, if the person had actually died, I doubt she would have reacted in such a callous-seeming way. Does she lack empathy often? I feel like therapy would be a good idea if she isn’t going already.
The teenage world is tough to navigate, and advances in technology seem to be making it harder for kids to navigate and learn without feeling like their trauma is permanent/put on blast for the world to see… therapy can also be useful because it’s coming from a third party, sometimes people are more averse to hearing good advice from parental figures (cause ya know, adults just exist to ruin kids’ fun)” GhettoGreenhouse
4. AITJ For Not Giving My NorthFace Sleeping Bag To My Father-In-Law?
“In June, I (34f) am going to Peru with my husband, Ted (35m), my mom, and my FIL, Pat is flying from Mexico to meet us.
We plan to hike the Inca Trail, then stay for two more weeks.
The company we booked for the trail offers sleeping bag rentals, but Ted and I prefer to bring our zip-together mummy bags. Pat doesn’t have a bag, I assumed he would rent one.
I planned to loan mom a NorthFace bag she bought for me when I was 15. Ted and I also have a Coleman bag that hasn’t been used in years that we have discussed donating.
The topic of Peru came up this weekend.
Ted said if we are donating the NorthFace, he might as well give it to Pat. I said I was planning to donate the Coleman, and he could bring the Coleman for Pat, but I would prefer neither of us brings a third sleeping bag as it would be bulky in our luggage.
Rita is planning to pack the NorthFace bag, and Pat should rent a bag or buy and bring one in his own luggage. Ted insisted that since Rita might drop out of the trail due to her hip, we could bring the NorthFace for Pat.
He could donate it after the trail or take it back to MX, so it would only be an issue for luggage space on the way there.
I was frustrated that Ted felt entitled to my sleeping bag. Though it is a spare, it’s the nicest of all of the sleeping bags we have and I was defensive.
I said ‘Your dad’s a sweaty old man and I don’t want to give him my sleeping bag! Also, I would want that sleeping bag for myself if we were to split up.’ Ted said I was being selfish and hateful and he couldn’t believe I was being so defensive of a sleeping bag, I said I couldn’t believe he felt so entitled to my things.
Ted is furious, and I’m upset too. I excuse myself saying ‘let’s both take a minute and try to calm down while I’m in the bathroom.’
When I came out, Ted was waiting at the door to leave.
As we walked out, I tried to apologize, bc I didn’t want to let this fight ruin our evening. Ted is still fuming, and now he doesn’t want to go to dinner, just gets a pizza and takes it back to the hotel.
I said I didn’t want to sabotage the weekend plans over this stupid disagreement, so just give me the phone and I’ll map us to the restaurant. He insisted on mapping there his own, and screamed ‘SHUT UP!’
Cursing is a relationship boundary for me, so I tell Ted, ‘you aren’t allowed to talk to me like that. Don’t talk to me like that again.’ He goes on yelling but not cursing, telling me that I ‘need to be silent.’
The ride to the restaurant was tense. While there, we were civil and made small talk. I think we both were trying to get along. The rest of the weekend trip continued similarly.
I’m still feeling frustrated and wondering AITJ, because we do have a lot of camping gear and the NorthFace bag is a spare.
I also had a tone when I said that I would take the NorthFace bag if we split up, and I refused to apologize because I don’t feel this is equal to him cursing at me.
EDITS to add: Ted and I have been discussing divorce over the last year so it isn’t the first time we have discussed splitting the assets.
This vacation with the parents is one of the last things we were sure we wanted to do as a couple. I can see how the comment about taking the bag in case of a split was triggering, but we both know he would take the dog and I would have the cat, for example.
FIL is a retired ex-pat from the US. He is prepared physically and fiscally for the challenges and the potential cost of rentals of the Inca Trail. The rental bag is affordable and probably the most convenient. I am not sure why Ted assumed he would give my bag away as the first option, as far as I am aware he hasn’t asked FIL if he would be okay to rent one or even confirmed if Pat wants to keep mine after the trial.
This isn’t the first time we have talked about lending the NorthFace sleeping bag to Pat. Ted and I had a mild conversation a few months ago and at that time I told Ted that we couldn’t spare the luggage space for a 3-week trip.
I felt the matter was settled, but Ted has no memory of this convo taking place. Even though he doesn’t remember, for me it wasn’t the first time I had told him I didn’t want to give away the sleeping bag.
I admit that maybe I suck too – mostly because I called FIL a sweaty old man. I would apologize for insulting his dad – but I don’t want to apologize for my tone after Ted cursed at me.
I feel like apologizing would excuse his ‘shut up’ reaction. I also don’t want to lend the sleeping bag to FIL out of principle.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But you’ve got a husband problem, even more than a sleeping bag problem.
He’s rude and aggressive to you. He’s not even considering that you might have been planning to sleep your the NorthFace bag yourself! He’s not communicating with his father about what this hike will be like, or what equipment is needed.
I’m actually concerned for the health of your FIL. If he doesn’t even own a sleeping bag, he probably has little to no experience hiking and camping. A long hiking trip in a foreign country is not for beginners.
I’m seeing a veritable United Nations arrangement of red flags, both regarding your husband and the logistics of this trip.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The NorthFace bag is special to you, you’ve had it since you were 15 and it is high quality. I don’t see a problem with being protective of it. If your FIL can rent one, he should.
Or loan him the Coleman bag you don’t want to keep anyway.
All you had to do was calmly explain to your husband that you wanted to keep the NorthFace bag since it was special between your mother and you and didn’t like the idea of loaning it to his father.
But instead, he screamed profanity at you and then told you that you ‘need to be silent’ (I’m not gonna lie, that comment alone might be relationship-ending for me). I really don’t understand why you two were still going out to eat in the middle of a fight.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your husband treating you that way is no good and maybe you need to stop discussing divorce and have him served notice instead.
The NorthFace bag was never in for donation and your husband wanting it for his father because it’s nicer is just part of his selfishness.
You even said the NorthFace bag was purchased by your mother when you were a teenager so of course, she’d get first dibs on it being loaned to anyone.
I’d really take time to second consider traveling with your current husband because bad behavior does escalate and maybe you don’t want to put yourself in that position with him…” Fabulous-Feeling8428
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Ted is your husband. Not a random traveling partner you occasionally share a tent with. You’re partners. You have an unusual attachment to this sleeping back. And you know what? I actually kind of get it.
But I’m also 54 and have been so burned when it came to ‘things’ in break-ups. And even I would pull myself together and be generous with a… sleeping bag. And ‘a spare’ at that.
You were ungenerous, rude, insulting to his family, and brought the specter of divorce into an argument about A SLEEPING BAG.
But cursing is a boundary for you?
He is also a jerk for the yelling and the ‘shut up’ remark.
Y’all need to reevaluate. Address your issues right quick, or the sleeping bag won’t be the only thing you’re tussling over in the inevitable divorce.” ElKristy
3. AITJ For Causing Someone To Get Arrested And Fined Because Of My Boat?
“Two weeks ago I (27m) along with two other friends did our annual week-long trip to our mutual friend Alex’s cottage. For years one of our longest-running jokes was that I should bring my 46ft saltwater fishing boat to the lake.
This year after looking up the lake’s policies we decided to make it a reality. To make this happen we all split the costs of both the permit and the marina fees.
The first four days of fishing/boating went very well however the same couldn’t be said for the fifth.
The issues started over some fishing we did in the same bay as Alex’s cottage. After using my fish finder we found a prime spot on the other side of it. Roughly an hour into our being there a woman (20-30s) we didn’t know kayaked across the bay to us.
When she got she asked to speak to the owner of the boat. When I introduced myself to her she started going off about how the boat isn’t allowed on the lake. My response to her was to point at the lake permit in the windscreen before asking her to leave and not disturb us anymore.
This made her furious and she started cussing and screaming at us. For safety reasons Alex started recording her in case she did anything stupid. This only made things worse as she started trying to pull up our fishing and anchor lines.
In doing this she wound up breaking my 3,000-dollar rod. This was when her demeanor did a 180 and she began to plead with us to not call the police. As collateral, she offered to not only replace it but pay for next year’s permit.
I rejected the offer and used my VHF to call for police assistance right in front of her. The result of this was her getting fined for angler harassment and arrested for felony destruction of property.
Two days after all of this happened, Alex and his parents found themselves being visited by the woman’s mother.
From what he told me, she started going off on them and saying we are jerks for getting her daughter arrested. She believes we should have accepted her apologies and offered to replace it. Looking back I am conflicted as what I did could be considered vengeful as she did legitimately offer to make amends.
Am I the jerk for getting her arrested?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She should have thought of that before violating the law and breaking your gear. She’s the one who ‘escalated’ it from a friendly float up to an incident that invited police actions.
may be trivial to these people, so allowing them to buy their way out is just letting them continue their bad behavior with no real ramifications.” whorfin2022
Another User Comments:
“You were law-abiding, you looked up the regulations for having a boat your size on the lake, you had the permit posted, and you listened to her and then corrected her misinformed self.
She was old enough to know better, and yet she destroyed your property, and she could have caused even greater damage to your boat by fussing with your anchor.
She was attempting to intimidate you, and when she couldn’t, she became destructive.
What are the chances that this is the first time she destroyed someone else’s property when she didn’t get her way? My guess: slim. You’re NTJ. She’s an entitled, destructive, and unstable person. I would have called the police, too.” timetowakeuptoday
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Hope it’s a lesson not to be so confrontational and to not go on a rampage with righteous fury. If she truly thought you were breaking the law by having your boat on the lake, she could have easily just called the authorities herself.
Instead, she hopped in her kayak, went across the bay, and laid into strangers. When they didn’t bow to her perceived authority, she threw a fit and became violent. I would have done the same as you.” coffee-jnky
2. AITJ For Letting My Partner Do Most Of The Household Chores?
“I (24M) work for a very prominent company and get paid a lot better than my partner (23F). We both moved to a different state for my job, and she ended up with a very toxic work environment with a boss who was sexist and homophobic.
She hated her job and ended up getting a new one that pays a lot less than her old one and has asked me to take on the responsibility of paying most of the rent.
Since we have been in this new state, she has done most of the cleaning.
I contribute by doing the dishes sometimes and washing the laundry (she folds it). She is the only one who cleans the bathroom, and the kitchen, and the only one who sweeps, mops, and vacuums along with other random chores here and there.
It’s been about 8 months since we moved and everything was fine until recently. The other day she asked me to vacuum the living room and I said I didn’t know where the vacuum was. Since then, she keeps bringing up how I need to do more of the housework, but I feel like because I contribute more to the rent she should be responsible for keeping the apartment clean.
I also do the dishes sometimes and do stuff she asks me to do.
I’ve done more of the dishes since she brought it up (doing them maybe once a week instead of once every other week). She now leaves cleaning tasks for me to do without telling me about them and then gets upset when they aren’t done.
If she just asked me to clean those parts of the apartment then I would. She claims that I should know what needs to get done and just do them myself without making her bring it up first. Eventually, she gets frustrated and just cleans by herself.
I’m also tired from working when I get home and I just want to relax or finish my work. She works the same amount of hours as me, but her job is much less demanding than mine so she is less drained by the end of the day.
She does pay for our groceries and my gas sometimes as well as other little things here and there.
I don’t think I’m a jerk for expecting her to contribute to the housework since I contribute more financially.
AITJ for letting her do most of the cleaning since I pay for most of the rent?
Edit: We both work the same amount of hours each week. She has agreed that her job is less demanding than mine. We split the rent 60/40 so I pay about 60% of it right now.
Her health concerns aren’t an everyday thing, but they come up a few times a month. I know where the vacuum is now.
I really need to sit and reflect on how I am acting in this relationship. I recognize now that I have truly and deeply made a mistake by thinking paying more of the rent means that I should do less of the housework.
I really love her and I value her so much, and I’ve clearly done a horrible job of showing that.
Update: My partner tried talking to me about this and I have not been receptive. There’s nothing I can do to make up for the past 8 months, and I was an idiot to think that my financial contribution was great enough to warrant not doing any chores.
I would do anything to keep her, and I messed up thinking that this was a small issue. I hope she forgives me for not taking her concerns seriously, and I hope I can create an environment where she feels comfortable confronting me in the future if I’m EVER acting like this again.
I am never going to dismiss her or all the hard work she puts into this relationship and our life together again. I’m going to start doing the majority of the chores for the time being. I’m also going to start paying more of the rent since I do make more.
I don’t pay more of the rent to have a housekeeper, I pay more of the rent because I love her and I want to support her.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You simply don’t respect this woman. It’s absolutely clear.
Are you in a business transaction or a relationship?! She is telling you that she needs help. That help should be consistent, not a one-off.
She is not your parent. You shouldn’t be told to do the chores. Sounds like you need a maid and are taking advantage of your partner.
Hopefully, she realizes she deserves better than you. Get over yourself.” sherlocked27
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She works just as many hours as you, and making less than you does not equate to needing to be a maid at home.
Sit down with her and come up with a split chore list that can even out the workload at home so neither of you is overwhelmed. I’d like to know if she agrees with you that her job is less demanding than yours, or just a statement you make based on your own opinion because what’s obvious to me here is that SHE is also stressed out when she gets home and wants to relax as well instead of getting home from your job and watching you kick your feet up while she gets whatever that needs to be done done.
She seems to have uprooted a lot of things to move so that you could work and do what you felt necessary, having to work under trashy management and then switch jobs is incredibly exhausting, and I doubt very highly that everything was just fine up until now.
It’s more likely that you didn’t take notice.” J3nnTxc
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s still working a full-time job. She’s your partner, not your maid.
Also — unless you’re paying 95% of the rent, it sure doesn’t sound like the household labor reflects the same split.
You do the dishes once a week? 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, that puts you at a shining 4.7% of the dishes. And she does EVERYTHING else!
You don’t know where the vacuum is? Read that sentence again and try to tell me you’re in the right.
‘If she told me what to do, I’d do it’ is also a form of still forcing her to take on the labor. It continues to make cleaning her job that you help with, rather than it being a responsibility for your home that you share.
Why is she supposed to know what needs to be done when you don’t?
‘Everything was fine until recently’ is an easy thing to say when you’re the one coasting in your home and putting all the burdens on your partner.
She moved out of state for her partner, ended up in a toxic job, moved to something that left her in a less financially secure place, and now is 100% responsible for household labor. Sure doesn’t sound like it was fine for her.
Yeah, man, you’re the jerk. Apologize and learn where the vacuum goes.” peakvincent
That being said, why can't people just contribute when they can and not do this stuff?
1. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister-In-Law To Get A Job Where I Work?
“We don’t even talk to them (husband’s brother and his wife) unless absolutely unavoidable. In the eight years I’ve known her she hasn’t been able to keep a job for more than six months and has been fired from many of them.
She’s also a manipulative, toxic person who has a major issue with lying.
Anyway, I had told my husband’s youngest sister that my work was hiring and that she should apply and I’d get her in (this is a restaurant I’m a delivery driver at, not anything fancy lol).
MIL overheard this and relayed this info to other SIL, who dropped off a resume when I wasn’t there and used my name.
The boss brought it up and I basically said: ‘Don’t do it, I in no way vouch for her, also her resume is filled with lies, and that ‘work’ reference is her husband’s phone number.’ So her application went in the trash.
However I had mentioned to my boss already that my younger sister-in-law would be applying and she’ll need training but she’ll be great upfront, and when the other SIL came in he’d discussed dates to start training (didn’t realize they weren’t the same person).
So when he didn’t call her in a few weeks MIL called me and I upfront said that I had told them not to hire her, and also I didn’t appreciate MIL extending job offers on my behalf.
Well, you would have thought I told her that I’d blocked SIL from getting a job everywhere in a one-hundred-mile radius.
According to her I am cruel, and selfish, hate my niece and nephews, etc. They need the and how will niece have her birthday party next month? SIL hasn’t been able to get a job anywhere and she’s family so why not give her the chance, etc…
If my husband and I would talk to them we’d see that SIL is trying hard to be a changed person and that I should have given her a chance.
Part of me feels bad now, but part of me doesn’t.
I understand that everyone deserves second chances (my husband is seven years sober), but at the same time, I don’t want to put my job at risk to give her that chance. Selfishly, also, the less time I spend around her the happier I’ll be, and working with her wouldn’t be very conducive to that.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t mix family and work, it’s a bad combination. You gave your honest opinion when she used your name as a reference.
It’s your manager’s fault her application didn’t progress, you were asked your opinion and you gave it.” Dinoduck94
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, first, ask yourself if you would have wanted to work with this woman. Second, she put you down as a reference without asking first – that’s a major mistake and breach of trust no matter how you look at it.
It is honestly her just desserts that she gets such a poor character reference for putting you down without clearing it with you first. Third, that emotional blackmail from your mother-in-law is clear from miles away, and she should have thought about your response before telling her other daughter (or, ya know, told her to talk to you first).” TrelanaSakuyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one should be using your name or you as a referral without your permission. Your SIL apparently likes to lie. You don’t want that at your place of work because that can come back on you.
And since when is your SIL your problem? It’s not your fault she can’t even hold down a job.” KylieJadaHunter
