People Just Can’t Let Go Of Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Going On A Trip With My Siblings After Moving In With My LDR Partner?
“I (30f) drove from Salt Lake City to St. Louis to live with my LDR SO (32m), let’s call him Paul. My siblings came with me on the long drive with my U-Haul. BTW, Paul did not help me with any planning, or offer to help me move, nor has he met any of my siblings.
He just wanted me to pack my car, but I had a fully furnished apartment, and I wanted to keep as much stuff as possible.
While planning the move, my siblings and I wanted to go to Nashville for a couple of days. Paul didn’t want to go with us.
He argued that we as a couple need to save money since I won’t work for a couple of weeks. I told him I saved enough for this trip, and he let the issue go.
We got to St. Louis, and my siblings and I visited some attractions.
Paul didn’t want to come. We got home late, and Paul got visibly irritated and ignored me that night. The morning we leave for Nashville, Paul tells me that we need to talk when I get back. I suggested we talk right then because not knowing what he was mad about would ruin my mood the whole day.
He ignored my pleas and we go and start driving to Nashville.
He immediately started texting me about how angry he was when I left, saying that I “went against what we had agreed on” and that I should be unpacking my stuff right now.
I said it was only for a couple of days and I’ll have two weeks to unpack.
He blasted my phone the whole drive, saying “this whole situation is making me uncomfortable.” I even told my siblings to turn around to take me back. My siblings reassured me it would be okay if I still went with them.
Then he starts to compare me to his ex, saying I was just like her. Some background on this: his last SO’s family didn’t like him and was part of the reason she broke up with him. He thinks that this is the same situation.
He starts showing me his bleeding ear and how his body is reacting to what I am doing to him. There was a point where he screamed at me on the phone that was connected to the car, and everyone heard him. They said if I didn’t want to live with him anymore, they’d happily help me move back to Utah.
I thought about it because I didn’t like how Paul was acting.
I told him I was having second thoughts, and he thinks my siblings are to blame. He changed the locks and does not trust my siblings to be at his place. But I reassured him I would come back, but he didn’t believe me.
We came back when he was at work. I go in and get the rest of my siblings’ stuff and book them a hotel for the rest of their stay (he has a camera by the entrance). He wouldn’t even let them in to use the restroom.
I thought we would have a discussion about this, but he said there was nothing to talk about; seems like he just wanted me to come back to St. Louis and for my siblings to leave. He told me that his actions were valid, and he even asked his friends, and they think I am the jerk for not staying and unpacking my stuff, so the question is AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah nope NTJ at all, but he showed you his true colors before you moved in, I suggest you listen to him and get out of this relationship as quickly as possible! This is a 32-year-old man talking to you like you’re a teenager and trying to control you and it will most likely only get worse if you do live together and your family is far away.
The only legitimate thing he could be upset about is you and your family arriving late to his home (depending on how late it was). For the rest, there are red flags everywhere (comparison to ex, money…), do not move in with this man!” Captain-Snowball320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please call your siblings and go home. He is acting like this on day one please be careful. This is alarming. That his friends think he is okay is even more of a worry. Are you safe? I hope your siblings at least have photos as he seemed anxious not to let them be able to identify him.” SoIFeltDizzy
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but you need to immediately move far away. Get your stuff out of his apartment and leave with your siblings. I cannot stress how abnormal and irrational his behavior is. This is what abuse looks like when it starts. Do not ignore this and try to talk yourself into thinking it’s not bad.
It is. This is an outsized reaction by him and it is a very very bad sign that it happened when you agreed to move in across the country away from your support network.” remadeforme
21. AITJ For Wanting To Retire While My Husband Still Works?
“I (52F) have worked for the same employer for 29 years now and will be eligible to collect a pension in a year after 30 years of service. For clarity, my pension will be about 80% of my current salary. I would get a part-time job to supplement the pay loss and have something to do a couple of days a week.
Hubby (53M) thinks it would be wrong of me to retire and that I should have to work full time. We have been married for 20 years this week, and he thinks that if he still has to work, that I should still have to work.
AITJ for wanting to enjoy my retirement and work part-time?”
Another User Comments:
“Hahahahhaha you have the chance to retire and your husband thinks you that if he can’t, then you can’t? Let’s suffer in solidarity? You can’t have nice things unless he has them too?
Is your husband a crab in a bucket? That is truly one of the silliest ideas I’ve seen here, and the bar is extremely low. His mindset is absolutely ridiculous. Why would you want to deny your partner something good? Like ever?! Bizarre NTJ.
You should retire. His being upset that his circumstances differ is not a problem you can solve. What a selfish partner you’ve chosen.” BulbasaurRanch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – my husband recently decided that after nearly 30 years he is going to switch careers. He will take a rather large pay cut to start (almost 100k a year) and I’m all for it.
He’s incredibly miserable in his current line of work and I can’t imagine wanting him to remain miserable when he can be happier. We get like maybe 80 years on this planet if we’re lucky? Life them in the way that makes you thrive.” Smooth_Dog_5839
Another User Comments:
“There are two types of spouses. 1. The spouse who is happy if something good happens to the spouse, even if they themself can’t benefit from it. 2. The spouse who thinks if I have to suffer, my spouse has to suffer too and can’t be happy if something good happens to the spouse they themself don’t benefit from.
In general, my advice is to stay far away from the latter type. But since you already married him, it’s too late to stay away, lol. Maybe you should just show him the responses here and he then might want to rethink being this selfish and his jealousy and can use the time till your retirement to truly be happy for others.
Btw, my husband is 10 years older than me, so of course he will retire sooner. I will be so so happy for him the day he can retire, even if I have to work for another few years. Take an extreme example. Let’s say you are both drowning, but you can be saved. A good spouse will say “go ahead, I love you”, your spouse will say “no, if I die you have to die too.”” Every_Caterpillar945
20. AITJ For Needing Alone Time After Stressful Shifts Despite My Roommate's Discomfort?
“I (29F) have been working as an emergency services operator for 2 years. After almost every shift I go straight to my room and take a few moments to decompress. Both of my roommates told me that they respect my choice for alone time and that they’ll listen if I ever want to talk, which I appreciate a lot.
Alex (26, they/them) moved in 3 weeks ago. They’re very outgoing, social, super easy to talk to, and very friendly.
In the first week or so into living with us, I’ve let them know what I do for work and that I like to withdraw in my room for an hour or so after a shift. Alex has told me that they don’t mind.
Yet the following week, Alex voiced that they don’t like the fact that I seek out alone time after a shift. According to them, my tendency to withdraw after shifts has created an atmosphere they find uncomfortable. I told them I understood their perspective and their need for social interaction, but argued back that this alone time was essential for my personal well-being & mental health and that it was only for an hour or so.
They gave me a look that gave me the impression they didn’t like my answer but said they understood and walked away.
My issue with them started when they kept scoffing at me whenever I mentioned my job. I was talking to another roommate.
He asked me how my day at work had been and I responded with something like “It’s been tough.” To which I heard Alex loudly scoff somewhere in the living room. There was no one in the living room with them to which they could’ve scoffed at.
This happened on several occasions, always whenever I mention my job.
Last Friday, I had just come home from a particularly stressful shift, and I was mentally exhausted. Alex greeted me with a loud “Oh, there she is! The HERO everyone loves!”
Their tone was extremely mocking and condescending.
It shocked me because they had been so respectful and kind in our conversations, just not the ones about my job (the scoffing). The shock and mental exhaustion made it so that I just stood in the hallway for a couple of seconds trying not to break down.
I wanted to walk past them to my room but then heard more comments towards me, like “I don’t know why you stress so much, it’s just answering a phone from time to time. It’s not like you’re actually saving lives.”
I snapped, yelled at them that they had no idea what they were talking about and that their ignorance was hurtful.
Name-calling from their side & they started crying. I left them like that and went to my room. I felt bad for leaving them like that, but I was afraid that I was going to have a mental health emergency.
I ended up staying in my room for the rest of the day, except for when I had to get dinner.
No Alex is in the living room. Heard them crying in their room the next morning. I feel really bad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have needs because you have a stressful job. Diminishing them and disrespecting you is not okay. You communicated your needs, they accepted them.
This behavior is uncalled for and frankly, very childish. This is seriously confusing to me. Most people understand needing time for mental health. In fact, they are literally saying they want interaction for their mental health. Not liking what you do for your mental health is one thing.
Actively trying to invalidate your feelings and negatively impacting your mental health in the process because they don’t like what you do for your mental health is flat-out wrong and a very jerky thing to do. I hope you don’t think I am saying this to be mean to Alex or to insult your friendship, but consider this.
They think their mental health is more important than yours and they expect you to feel the same. Given that you don’t, they are actively putting you down for not feeling the way they do. Does this seem like a healthy friendship to you? Regardless of what happens with your friendship, I assume you want to be cordial as you guys live together for the time being.
You should really sit down with Alex and communicate how their actions make you feel. As much as you might like Alex and want to continue the friendship, you HAVE to clear this up in a way that takes you both into account. If they continue to disrespect you, distance yourself.
Good luck, OP.” moonlightetsunshine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t even think it matters what you do for work. If you need to chill a bit when you get home, that’s fine and I don’t see any reason why that should bother Alex.
If they need more social contact they can join a sports team or a class or some other event in the community. Why is it your job to meet their social contact needs?” CommieFeminist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All emergency services folks – including the operators – have very stressful jobs.
After all, you’re very often dealing with people having the worst day of their lives, in crises of one kind or another. Sometimes in your position, you’re keeping people alive until help can arrive, and the only tools you have are your knowledge and your voice.
And sometimes, despite your best effort, you know that you didn’t succeed, or that they’ll live but be terribly altered by their experience (whether it’s life-altering injuries or life-altering emotional trauma or both). I think sometimes that isn‘t the end of the shift, you may need to explain that to Alex, as they clearly don’t understand.
If you’re able to be gentle with them, I think it’ll go better for you both. You don’t want to be viewed as a hero, just to have some understanding that your job often is literally life or death and you need some time to put that away before you can people again.
I think that maybe the only people who fully understand that are other emergency services folks, but that maybe people who’ve been on the other end of the line have some idea of the stress you deal with, because they remember that cool voice of reason that talked them through those impossible minutes until help arrived. Everyone else really has to use their imaginations, and some folks don’t think about it enough to ground their imaginary version of your job in reality.” KaliTheBlaze
19. AITJ For Choosing Disney World Over Visiting My Controlling Ex?
“I (36F) was speaking with my ex (39M) about my plans for the summertime as he asked if I’d consider visiting him and his family once my job ends in the summertime for a break. I told him that on June 28th, I would go to Disney World for the opening day of Tiana’s Bayou Adventure.
But the moment he heard that, he started going into a tangent about how the state of Florida was racist towards black people and Jewish people and that I would rather risk my life in a racist state for an amusement park ride instead of going to visit him.
Mind you, I’m black, but I’m not Jewish, and I’ve been to Florida and lived there without any troubles or being treated in a racist way.
He mentioned my trip to Universal Studios Hollywood in 2023 for the opening day of Super Nintendo World and how I went there instead of visiting him in Seattle.
Mind you, I don’t want to visit him because he’s controlling and feels entitled to tell people (family and friends) how they should spend their money and how much food they should be allowed to eat on an outing. He will also complain about anything that isn’t what he wants to do.
He claims that since he visited me, I should have tried to visit him. But his “visits” were for his dad’s funeral and a job interview. Those weren’t visits to see me. I went to his dad’s funeral because I was close to his mom, brother, and dad.
And when he came for his job interview, I drove an hour from my town after work, no less to see him. I didn’t plan to see him during that time because I was tired after working from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, but I did it out of the goodness of my heart.
I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t want to visit him because I know his attitude and how he treated me when he lived here, and we were together.
But now I’m scared to go to the parks if I’ll be treated in a racist way.
I feel horrible because I love traveling to different places. I have been looking forward to visiting Disney World again because the last time I went was in 2019 with my family, and I had a horrible time with them because I didn’t get to do what I wanted on the trip.
I think I may be a jerk cause I am choosing a trip to an amusement park instead of visiting him.
NOTE: I’ve known this guy since 2019 and we went out from that time til 2021 when he dumped me for someone thinner. But we became friends again after his dad’s funeral.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if you were still going out, he would not have a right to command you to come visit him. And just because he came to visit you (for whatever reason) does not obligate you to go visit him – this is not a ledger sheet that you need to balance.
Feel free to go where you want on your vacation. Ultimately, he dumped you – don’t feel an obligation to him, even if you are friends now. It sounds like he isn’t just controlling when you go to visit him, judging by this command visit.
It would probably be good for you to say “no” to him to set your boundaries and let him know you will not be controlled.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s completely understandable that you prioritize your own happiness and well-being over visiting someone who has a history of controlling behavior and entitlement.
Your ex’s attempt to guilt-trip you by bringing up race-related concerns about Florida is manipulative and unfair. It’s important to prioritize your own boundaries and mental health, especially given your past experiences with him. Enjoy your trip to Disney World and don’t let anyone make you feel guilty for choosing what brings you joy.” Informal-Witness-444
Another User Comments:
“So you’re gonna break up right since you already know he’s controlling and feels entitled to tell people how they should spend their money. You think once you live together, maybe get married maybe have kids. You think he won’t be an insufferable jerk.
Because he will be. Get out now before you’re trapped and he’s in control of your finances and limiting your food intake ‘for your own good’. Disney World is amazing. I went in 2019 with my partner, just two adults as we didn’t have our son then and it rocked. I’m dying to go back.
Don’t let his hate and fear-mongering ruin your visit to a fantastic place simply because he doesn’t agree with your going and is trying to manipulate you. Also, he’s not your friend either. Ditch this guy.” CrankyArtichoke
18. AITJ For Refusing To Watch My Step-Kids Due To Suspicion Of Ex's Intentions?
“I (32F) am a stepmom to 3 kids (5f 4m 2f).
My partner (34m, long haul trucker) and I were fighting for custody until this past Nov when the judge decided that because dad wasn’t home all the time mom got primary custody even though and I quote “you guys are obviously great parents, and while mom isn’t a great parent she is an okay one and that’s enough to keep the status quo.” Since then mom has done everything she can to have us take the kids extra and we have proof that they are with sitters most days otherwise.
Earlier this month Mom told us that she had a death in the family and asked if we could watch the kids while she goes to the funeral in BC (we live in AB), we let her know that we can’t commit without dates because hubby works, and I work and go to school full time.
Yesterday she IM’s at 10 pm saying the funeral is on the 25th, which is the first day of spring break for the kids and she wants us to take the kids the Sun, Mon, Tues, saying it will be a day trip. This is someone she hasn’t seen since before she and my hubby had gotten together, never spoke with, and never met the kids.
I said since hubby works nights and I don’t get spring break I can’t unless someone can watch the kids during the day while I’m busy and her response was “Alright let me know.”
Today I dropped the kids off at daycare after our weekend with them and I saw there weren’t signs up for closing like normal so I asked about them being open over break and they said they were.
The daycare is 30-45 minutes one way from us. So I did some research and there is nowhere in BC that she can get to in the times that she gave us for her “day trip”. I also can’t find any info about the funeral so it adds to my suspicions.
She said she would be back late Mon but she wants us to keep them until after dinner Tues night or Wed morning when she should be able to pick them up from daycare on Tues.
Other things clicked like how the week after she told us about the death her mom was watching the kids at her place during the week, unusual because they go to daycare while she works and her mom lives an hour away yet could pick up the 2F right away when the daycare said she had a fever but Mom works 10 mins away.
Also, we had some court stuff around child support that week and she showed up online, her lawyer said something about having to reach her by phone to talk to her because she was out of town…
So I think she is lying about why she wants us to take the kids.
With all the crap she’s put us through I don’t want to move my schedule if she’s lying to us just so she doesn’t have to pay a babysitter to go do whatever she really is planning. I feel like if it was legit she would have brought up the daycare being open right away (we pay monthly fees not daily) and because of custody stuff, we know she isn’t off for the break.
So I don’t know, WIBTJ if I told her sorry but it doesn’t work for us to watch the kids?”
Another User Comments:
“Just say no. That’s a full sentence. She fought you in court for primary custody. Now she needs to be the responsible parent.
And nowadays you don’t need to travel for funerals, she can assist via Zoom. NTJ.” DoIwantToKnow6417
Another User Comments:
“INFO: If their youngest is two, how long have you guys been together? You seem to take issue with her using sitters for the kids but do you and your partner not also use sitters/childcare given your schedules?
I mean, what were you expecting? If one parent is frequently gone for 2-3 weeks at a time and the other isn’t, of course the other is going to have primary custody if they’re a capable parent.” GhostParty21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband isn’t even available because he’ll be working.
So, this would be you rearranging your plans to give the ex free babysitting… And you absolutely don’t owe her ANY favors. Your husband needs to message his ex, in writing, “Unfortunately, I have work so we won’t be able to watch the kids for you.”” teresajs
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Follow A "No Cursing" Rule In My D&D Group?
“I’m in a Dungeons and Dragons group that takes place after school. For those who don’t know; Dungeons and Dragons is basically a tabletop game, where you play as imaginary characters in an imaginary world. This group consists of me (17F), my friend Alice (17F), our teacher who runs the group (~30sM), and another player, Frank (15M).
My teacher and I are the only ones with D&D experience before this. We had started off with more players, but 2 of them graduated last year, and other people just needed to focus on school.
Onto the issue.
I don’t know Frank very well, but he seems like a nice guy.
However, Frank can be kind of hard to play games with. He will not pay attention during games a lot of the time and will watch videos on his computer. He also will try and leave the group in the game to do his own thing.
He also ends up talking over me and Alice a lot (he has gotten better at this though). We as a group try and help correct him, but it sometimes doesn’t stick. I don’t know if this is important, but Frank is on the autism spectrum.
Recently, Frank suggested a no-cursing rule. The whole time we’ve been playing the game, cursing has been fine. We set up other boundaries at the start of the game. Our teacher doesn’t mind it, and he even curses from time to time. But our teacher decided to agree.
I was originally trying to be respectful, but I’ve got the mouth of a sailor (I’m working on it haha), so from time to time, I slip up. Each time I do, Frank yells as loud as he can in my ear “LANGUAGE!” He even reminds me to not curse before the game has started, even outside of the game, even when I’m not cursing???
He’s just being really extra about it and it’s getting on my nerves. It’s happening so often that it’s affecting my enjoyment of the game. And I know this is kind of cliche to say, but I’m almost an adult, and I don’t want my language policed like that.
If this had been our teacher saying “hey guys, no more cursing because admins getting on my butt,” it’d be fine. If Frank was chiller about it, it’d be fine. But it’s getting frustrating.
So, AITJ for not wanting to follow the no cursing rule??”
Another User Comments:
“Take a poll/vote of those who are in the game. If the majority says no cursing, then yeah, no cursing. If not, sorry Frank. It’s not like he’s being all that considerate of other players: the wandering attention span and the interruptions can get annoying quickly.
There are accommodations that are reasonable, but being accommodating shouldn’t twist you into a pretzel. Maybe a compromise and use fictional/historical curses instead.” BetweenWeebandOtaku
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Frank is your peer and he is not entitled to police your behavior by screaming and browbeating.
This isn’t about whether or not you should have a no-cursing rule but whether Frank is entitled to yell in your face when it’s broken. He isn’t. Shouting down someone’s ear is unacceptable. Ceaselessly hounding another student is unacceptable. Language is habitual and expecting perfect adherence to his rule is ridiculous.
Frank should recognize (or be told) that this rule operates solely for Frank’s own benefit: Age-appropriate cursing in a recreational setting is harmless, and he’s the only one who cares. You’re making a good-faith effort to adhere to the arbitrary preference of a single person, and he’s making a social activity hellish in return.
The harsh truth is that this may not be the best activity for Frank: he’s devaluing the experience for others through actions that are within his control. Frank may be used to people accommodating his illness by obliging his every preferential request, but that is not how the real world is going to work.
It may be better that he learns this lesson in a school environment and sooner rather than later.” aemondstareye
Another User Comments:
“ESH. As an adult, you will need to learn to not randomly curse in normal conversation. If you have a problem with someone “policing your speech” then you will never be able to function in real society.
I curse all the time around my friends, but I have zero problem keeping it pinned down around family, when I’m at work, when I’m at a restaurant or store, etc. That being said, he does not have the right to scream or verbally assault you to get you to follow the guideline.
It’s something that he also needs to learn to handle in a more adult manner, as you’re all at the age where you should be learning self-control.” Its_Big_Fungus
16. AITJ For Missing My Partner's Calls When He Came Over Unannounced?
“So some background info, I (f23) have a really messed up sleep schedule and I have for years.
Basically, I go through phases where I am unable to keep myself awake throughout the day. What happens is the tiredness builds up so much at random times that I physically can’t keep my eyes open. Doing anything feels like I’m walking in slow motion, my body feels like it is being pulled down by bricks, and it is genuinely impossible to stay awake.
My body will force me to sleep even if I don’t want to.
My partner (m26) knows this. I’ve talked with him about how difficult this has been for me (e.g. staying awake at work and school).
I often sleep at odd hours. My sleep schedule is pretty inconsistent and unfortunately, I don’t have much control over it.
There was one day I slept for 23 hours (I woke up to use the bathroom and could barely keep my eyes open, so I went back to sleep) – couldn’t hear my alarms or anything.
So on Friday night, I ended up falling asleep at 8 pm.
Which is a great and normal time, however, I know if I sleep any time before 10 pm I will wake up around 1-2 am and be up for a few hours, so I avoid doing that if I can help it.
Later that night, I woke up around 1 am and saw that I had 15 missed calls and many texts from my partner.
He had made me dessert and wanted to stop by and drop it off – which is incredibly sweet! His texts were along the lines of “I’m coming over now”, “I’m outside”, “I’m here”, “I’m waiting”, and then like half an hour later “I wanted to give you dessert I made.
Thanks for ignoring me… I guess I’m going home…” He gave no warning that he was coming over except for the “I’m coming over now” text that he sent at 10:30 pm. He never asked to see me earlier in the day or anything. He also never spontaneously shows up like that, we always plan out what we’re doing beforehand.
Of course when I woke up I felt so horrible! I apologized and explained that I was asleep and did not see the texts or calls, and thanked him for his kind gesture. His response was “It’s whatever”. He didn’t say goodnight or anything after.
He’s basically been ignoring me/been super short with me since then. I’m getting annoyed with him too. I understand that it would be upsetting, and that night I understood him being upset in the moment. But days later?? I genuinely don’t feel like I’m at fault here.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You could’ve been in a movie, out with friends/family, and not able to respond, or other possibilities. If he was unexpectedly going to drop around to your house he has to be prepared that you may not have been able to see him or even been there when he arrived. This isn’t on you at all.” Sea-Insect2019
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your SO is childish and ridiculous. Who the heck just goes over to someone’s house without confirming: the person is home, the person is awake? He decided that he didn’t need to confirm you were available when he decided to come over which means he set himself up for this.
How were you supposed to know he’d randomly decide to come over later in the night? And why is it on you to be available 24/7 for him?” FrozenProthean
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Showing up unannounced at someone else’s house is always a risk because you don’t know if the other person is at home and if they’re okay with having a guest without notice.
In this case, it’s even worse, because your SO knows about your sleeping problems, so he knew there was a high chance you were sleeping. You not texting him back and not answering his calls should’ve made him understand that you were busy. He still decided to come without knowing if he could, so if someone is at fault, that’s him.
And now he’s guilt-tripping you, making it seem like you were ignoring him on purpose while he knows that’s not true. Side note: please go see a sleep doctor if you can, taking care of your health is the most important thing!” alegiacb
15. AITJ For Taking A Shower While My Partner Was Over?
“I 19f live at home with my siblings 17f, 12f, and our parents. My parents are strict, but I’m okay with it since I still live with them, and I try to follow the rules.
I have a partner who comes by the house some days of the week. He never stays the night and always leaves before it gets too late.
A problem arose a few days ago when I had my SO over. He tends to leave at the same time every time he comes over, and after he leaves, I take a shower for work the next day.
I was tired and wanted to take a shower earlier because I felt gross and was just in the mood for a shower. My SO hadn’t left the house yet, but I took a shower anyway. Context, I have taken a shower while he was over before, and I usually keep the door unlocked unless I’m doing more than showering.
He came into the bathroom while I was showering just to talk to me. He did this last time, and there was no issue, so I didn’t think anything of it.
After I got out of the shower, we hung out for a little bit longer, then he left. I was going to bed, so I said goodnight to my mom, and she gave me the cold shoulder, something she does when she’s mad at me.
I didn’t know what was going on, so I brushed it off as her having a long day. When I went to say goodnight to my dad, he asked me if I had taken a shower with my SO. I said no, and he said that’s what he thought.
He then said that my mom overheard me telling my 12f sibling that I wanted her to get out of the bathroom so I could shower with my SO. I told him I didn’t say that. It seemed we had a mutual understanding that it was just a mix-up, and I went to bed.
The next day, my mom was still ignoring me. I went to work (I work 10-hour shifts), and when I got home, she hadn’t changed. Now I am lying low in the house, trying to not draw attention to myself.
I am stressing out about what she is thinking.
My parents have said I am a bad influence on my siblings in the past, but I’d like to think I have a good understanding of what I am allowed and not allowed to do by now. When she is upset, she won’t talk to me for a few days before she blows up at me, then she returns to normal. I want to just talk to her so we can clear the air, but she completely blocks me out.
I will stand next to her to talk, and she won’t even look at me or say anything.
I don’t know what to do now. I don’t like it when my mom gets mad at me, and I want to talk it out with her, but I’m at a loss.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you need to understand something – your mother is willing to lie to try to engineer a reaction from your father against you. I assume you did not tell a younger sibling to clear out so you could shower together.
She wanted your father to explode and emotionally react to the suggestion that you essentially told a younger child to get out of the way so you can hook up in the family bathroom. Your mother wants to see you suffer, be punished, and probably be thrown out.
You must be on best behavior, and you must consider getting out of there first.” Significant_Gain9433
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone else has suggested, I’d consider asking your dad if he can help bridge the gap? But also, your mother’s behavior sounds quite manipulative and not healthy at all (having boundaries for the house is fine, but refusing to talk when you are upset until you yell at someone?
Definitely not okay), and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I hope you find a way to explain it to her before she gets too mad. Maybe just telling her even though she won’t respond could help? Because she’d still hear you and maybe take it in.
Just know that her behavior is not normal and not a reflection of what you did, which was a misunderstanding.” MalFunctioningGames
Another User Comments:
“Your mom is toxic and manipulative. DO NOT play into her game. Learn to match her energy. You might still be in her house, but you’re also an adult.
You should AT LEAST have enough emotional independence to not let a temper tantrum thrown by a literal adult affect you. You don’t have to be disrespectful, but you can ignore the passive aggression and ignore her until she decides to discuss the (MINOR) situation like a big girl.
If your mom isn’t going to be the model for mature conflict resolution, then you’ll have to be the model yourself. My number one suggestion: ignore all tone and subtext. Take. Her. Literally. Ex: if she ignores you speaking directly to her, shrug ambivalently and walk away.
Don’t engage with her again until she decides to address you directly. The ball is in her court. If she blows up at you (I know how hard this is), do NOT rise to her level. Stay calm, reasonable, and respectful enough, and she will look unhinged by comparison.
It can be hard because this requires you to detach your own emotions and sense of self from your mother’s opinion of you. But once you do that, she can be as mad as she wants, and you can sit back and watch how much it hurts her more than you.” Ceecee_soup
14. AITJ For Causing My Dad's Partner To Break Up With Him?
“I am 19F who recently moved to Sweden in April to live with my father and continue my college studies. When I arrived, everything seemed fine.
For context, my father lives with his partner in her apartment, and they share the rent. They had been discussing for a long time the possibility of bringing me to Sweden so I could be reunited with my father and receive a better education.
Recently, my father and I returned from a trip to London, which took place from May 5th to 17th, to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the tattoo shop where he works.
His partner couldn’t join us due to work commitments and the cost of tickets and a hotel, even though we stayed in a spare room at one of my father’s close friends’ places. If she had come, we would have had to spend more money on a hotel.
We had planned to spend at least one day exploring London and informed her of our plans beforehand, though we were unsure of the exact day. She encouraged my father to find a good day for sightseeing. We chose Thursday because my father didn’t have work that day, whereas Sunday would have been difficult due to the tattoo shop anniversary party on Saturday.
After our day out, I posted pictures of the places we visited. For some reason, on Friday morning, my father’s partner called him, very upset, claiming we went to London without her, especially to the National Art Gallery. Even though she had encouraged my dad to go, just a few days later of phone call arguments she asked my dad for a break-up and, that we needed to move out as soon as possible.
When we returned from the airport, we could already tell from seeing her at the window that she had a few glasses of wine and was likely intoxicated. I tried to avoid her because I had to prepare for another trip to Paris on the 19th for my little brother’s birthday.
My father and I asked her about some sour candy my partner had given me before I left for Sweden, and she responded, “Maybe I ate them.” I was speechless and just sat down, silently drinking my tea. She then slammed the fridge door and admitted she had eaten the candy, saying it was good.
She also accused me of becoming “Daddy’s little princess” and, that I was taking her place, as well as being disrespectful to her.
I feel like I was disrespected by her. I understand it was just candy, but it was meaningful to me because it was something my partner always got for me.
Even when she realized how important it was to me, she couldn’t offer a sincere apology. I don’t understand her accusations because I have been grateful for being brought to Sweden and have been nothing but nice and cooperative with house chores and activities.
I never asked for anything special and only occasionally accepted small sums of pocket money from my father to buy food if I had to be on my own for the day. Usually, he offers me money until I can start working and cover my expenses myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you may need to emotionally and financially prepare yourself for anything. Even him choosing her, despite her being in the wrong. Romantic love can make people do ridiculous things. You should probably figure out a backup living situation just in case, to make sure you can finish your studies.
Even if your dad smooths things over this time, she won’t be above threatening it again down the road. As unfair as it is, her house, her rules. I wish you luck, OP. It sounds like you don’t deserve any of this and she’s being childish.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like your dad’s SO has issues that she is no longer able to hide. Her drinking is a sign that she’s self-medicating and her actions and reactions are extreme and irrational. It sounds like her eating your gift candy was done deliberately to hurt you.
She seems to have a problem with you being in your dad’s life on a daily basis and resents the time he spends with you. Yeah – it’s time to move out of her apartment and be in a space that is not filled with contention and crazy SO.
Good luck with your new life in Sweden! YWNBTJ.” Listen_2learn
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When people reveal their true colors like this, it is best to believe them. Even if she apologizes, this behavior is the baseline that you should expect from her for the rest of your life.
It is unfortunate that she pays part of the rent, but that fact alone indicates that you will have to find a new place. But ultimately, your peace is more important. Do not allow her to come between you and your father.” debtripper
13. AITJ For Letting My 9-Year-Old Bake My Mom's Birthday Cake Instead Of Me?
“I usually bake my mom her birthday cake but my 9-year-old son has been really interested in baking lately so I thought it would be nice if he helped. I ended up letting him do most of it since he was doing a good job.
The cake wasn’t quite how I make it but he did a good job. I thought my mom would find it sweet and be forgiving but after the party, she told me she was really disappointed and had been looking forward to me making it for her.
She said she wanted her party to look a certain way and the cake ruined that.”
Another User Comments:
“Eh, I don’t think anyone really rises to jerk levels here. You thought it would be cute, but your mom didn’t agree. Maybe she would have liked it if your grandson made a cake alongside one you had made rather than in place of it.
Plenty of people love kid-level efforts but not under all circumstances. People assume all parents and grandparents will automatically and genuinely love everything their kids/grandkids produce, but even if they praise them for their work to encourage them, many can also see the work objectively.
But it doesn’t sound like your mom expressed her disappointment to your son or anyone else besides you, so I think this is a shruggable offense. She was put out that the cake didn’t look better and you were put out that she wasn’t as enthused with the cake as you were.
But your son had a fun experience and felt proud of himself and the guests all had a delicious cake, so I’m at no jerks here.” HellaShelle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s sweet, yes, but your mother’s birthday party is not the best setting to let your kid try out baking cakes.
She knows that she gets quality cakes from you, and this time she didn’t. You should have told her beforehand that your kid would make a cake instead of you.” LastAd6559
Another User Comments:
“Gentle YTJ. While I understand wanting to support your young child’s newfound interests, other people’s events are not the time or place to showcase them.
You could have had him help bake a cake for your mom to be delivered at any other time, or even made a dozen cupcakes to go with the cake that you bake. Other people are allowed to be disappointed when something that they expect based on how it has been in previous years suddenly changes without any advance warning.” johnjonahjameson13
12. AITJ For Falling Asleep While My Partner Was Upset About Her Dad?
“My partner had a dinner party with some family friends last night. She and her friends were discussing their relationships with their parents, and my partner ended up realizing how much she couldn’t relate to them. Her friends apparently spoke highly of their dads, and recalled fondly of their memories, while my partner and her father don’t have the strongest relationship by any means.
We called last night after the guests had left, and she began telling me about how she felt, debriefing the conversations she had, and how she felt sad that she didn’t share the same relationship or experiences with her dad. While she’s talking, I can feel myself falling asleep (because it’s 3 AM) so I tell her I’m falling asleep and goodnight.
I guess she feels upset that I didn’t have anything to say and went to sleep. She said I should’ve at least tried to console her, but I was genuinely falling asleep because I was tired. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s weird to dump that huge pile of trauma onto you at 3 am.
She should’ve waited til the next day. For the commenters – people come here to AITJ because guilt and responsibility can be very nuanced. Asking if you’re the jerk doesn’t mean you’re the jerk. He might feel guilty, but that doesn’t make him responsible. She might feel hurt by what “he’s done,” but that doesn’t mean he’s guilty of anything.
Human emotions are tricky like that.” Trick_Boysenberry495
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Calling you at 3 am was clearly not the best move here, although she probably wasn’t thinking straight in her distressed state, but the way you ended the call could have been a bit more gentle.
“I’m so sorry, I’m falling asleep and I want to give you 100% of my full attention so I can help you through these feelings, can we talk in the morning?” Would’ve been better than “I’m falling asleep, goodnight.” However, if you did say something more gentle than what you wrote, then NTJ.” Tynkeroo
Another User Comments:
“The way you describe it here, absolutely YTJ and I’m shocked that so many people are saying otherwise. If somebody I care about is that deeply upset, I’ll do something to stay awake to listen to them. If for whatever reason I can’t be awake either it’s physically impossible for me to stay awake or I have something that makes it important that I sleep, I’ll let the person know that I can’t talk long and make a plan for when we can.
I’ll also check in that they’re going to be OK and see if there’s someone else they want to talk to.” mxcrnt2
11. AITJ For Not Apologizing After Losing My Temper With An Insensitive Acquaintance?
“My son died 4 years ago. He was my only child. The anniversary of his death was last week. Someone (we’ll call her Mabel) that I am not terribly close to and who has never lost a child said to me (as many people do) “I understand your pain.” As usual, I responded with “I hope you never understand my pain,” but when Mabel continued to talk and compare the loss of her father to the loss of my son and that after a “few years it will get better,” I lost my temper and I was nasty to her.
Now Mabel has told several people how I acted and one of those people has, very kindly, told me how much I had hurt Mabel’s feelings and I should apologize. I don’t feel as though I owe her an apology. As a matter of fact, I feel like MABEL owes ME an apology.
What do you guys think? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Mabel understands pain and the pain of death but she doesn’t understand YOUR pain. Obviously, she was trying to be empathetic, but it’s REALLY bad form (RUDE) to tell you how your grief will go.
Your apology will make her feel better, but not you. Maybe in time you can talk with her about YOUR feelings about this as well, but if you don’t, it’s not your problem. Hope you explained to others how condescending her comments were and it come back to her, that way if you don’t tell her, she doesn’t repeat this with you or anyone else.
She was completely inappropriate. Grief doesn’t work that way. So sorry to hear of the death of your son.” LouisePoet
Another User Comments:
“ESH I am going to have to read between the lines here because you don’t really disclose HOW you lost your temper but I will take your word for it that you were “nasty.” Your feelings are valid.
How you handle valid feelings still matters though. Mabel was being insensitive and losing a parent isn’t like losing a child. I think you fail to acknowledge that as misguided as it was, she was probably TRYING to be empathetic and supportive. I wouldn’t apologize to Mabel but I might have a conversation with her about how her attempt at empathy made you feel like she was diminishing your pain and that sparked your anger.
If you find yourself lashing out in general at people or finding yourself struggling to otherwise live your life because of the magnitude of your pain, therapy (or more and continued therapy if you already got some) should be a priority.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Mabel was probably just trying to be empathic to your pain. Whilst losing a child is not the same as losing a parent, we all deal with grief differently, so I can’t say either of you was a jerk. It’s very raw for you.
She seems to have moved further along the coping stage. Maybe in her way, she was trying to give you a glimmer of hope that although the pain will always be there, the good memories will start to come forward more prominently when you think of him?
Neither of you is wrong in how you are dealing with your individual losses. She can’t know your pain, and you can’t know what she experienced with the loss of her father. Maybe compassion on both sides is needed.” No-Mango8923
10. AITJ For Refusing Previous Owners Access To My Yard After 9 Years?
“We bought our house 9.5 years ago.
We were in a bad situation, and could only afford cheap, which we got. Basically, nobody has taken care of this house since it was built in the 1950s. It’s an eyesore with a lot of issues, we’re slowly taking care of them. The last owner was an immigrant and lived with 9-10 people in the house.
The neighbors had a lot of rants about these people, which we dismissed as racist, but we learned that one of the reasons the home was an eyesore was because the previous owners tried to make our little lot a homestead with all kinds of crazy plants that are considered invasive in our area.
A year ago, we put up a privacy fence. The former owners approached us to ask for cuttings from the mulberry tree, we obliged, we love that tree. I started noticing around the same time that they were using our address for their medical stuff, and their family members had started turning up asking for stuff.
I reported the mail and turned these people away.
This year, they showed up multiple times again, requesting cuttings from a type of tree that we’ve never had. They didn’t believe me but I didn’t let them look. They said this tree came from their home country.
It’s possible a tree that got taken out after we moved in was this tree, but I refused to let them go back to look, I have dogs in the yard, and it’s been 9 years. Why the sudden interest in getting plants now? My husband said I should let them take what they want, it’s a legacy, and maybe it’s a cultural difference.
I’m uncomfortable with people I don’t know showing up and asking for access to my yard. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“The mail thing is concerning. I wonder if for example Granny has got Alzheimer’s or similar and is giving out her address as where she last remembers, 9 years back.
Something along those lines. You really need to return mail to the sender, don’t hold it for them. Or one day you’re gonna come home to granny in your kitchen. I sure hope you changed the locks 9 years back.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“You’ve owned the house for a decade.
You don’t owe the previous owners anything immediately upon taking possession, much less a decade later. You were nice to allow them to take some tree clippings 8 years after the sale (I probably would not have done the same at that point, tbh), but they have grossly overstepped boundaries here.
They should not be having deliveries made to your house. They should not be asking you for anything at this point. It’s been 10 years. Their actions at this point are criminal. It’s your home, and you deserve to not be bothered by previous owners. The next time they show up, I would alert them that this is the last time you want to see them on your property.
Tell them they need to stop having packages delivered and to stop asking for tree clippings or anything else. Let them know that the next time it happens, you will call the police and press harassment charges. NTJ.” OGBrewSwayne
Another User Comments:
“Folks here are focusing on the tree issue but to me, the big issue is the mail, medical bills, and collections issue.
That is very suspicious. Why they are showing up after 9 years is weird. And wanting in the backyard? Makes me wonder if they were coming into your yard before the fence went up for these past 9 years when you weren’t around or at night. Someone here suggested a metal detector to scan the yard, I think I’d do that.
Just out of curiosity. But definitely contact the police. Something is not right with all this. And your hubby needs to let you deal with this since his sense of “north” is way off.” calicounderthesun
9. AITJ For Refusing To Bring In My Wife's Luggage And Soda Cases?
“My wife got home from my daughter’s after a couple of days stay over to spend time with the grandkids.
She came into the house and said, “There are 5 cases of soda and my suitcase you need to bring in.” My response was, “I’ll help you bring them in but I’m not your servant.” She was immediately incensed, saying, “You are not doing anything and I have to get my computer set up and get ready for a conference call.
You are so selfish!”
In the past, she has asked me a couple of times to clean the interior and wash and wax her car for her (usually after seeing me cleaning my own vehicle), and I’ve said each time that I would be happy to help her but I’m not doing it myself.
My parents always preached that the person driving the vehicle is responsible for taking care of it. I do get her car in for periodic professional maintenance and any dealer service, but I expect her to help in generally keeping it clean and looking nice.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to go with NTJ. I mean, with only the vaguest hint of how your relationship actually is, it sounds exhausting. The way this should have played out is your wife starting with the fact that she’s busy and has to do something really quickly, and asking if you could please help her.
Maybe you should have had more grace and been more willing to help, but her jumping straight to anger after being demanding just feels like neither of you really communicates well. Ask yourself if this is as exhausting for you as it sounds to us, then ask if you honestly believe that you genuinely care about your wife and are willing to mildly inconvenience yourself to make her happy.
Then ponder if you think she feels the same. The answers to those questions should give you some insight.” Eugenides
Another User Comments:
“Whenever my wife gets home from a business trip, I meet her at the door and hug and kiss her. More often than not, I’ll get her suitcase out of the car for her as well.
If she manages to get it out before I can greet her, I’ll offer to bring it upstairs to our bedroom for her to unpack. Same thing with when she pulls up with groceries. I meet her at the door and offer to help.
She’s happy to do it herself, but I just do it because she’s my wife. BTW if you two are going at each other within seconds of her coming home, you two have some things to work through.” Expensive_Candle5644
Another User Comments:
“ESH. My god, why do so many spouses dislike each other? You both sound exhausting. Your wife needs to learn to say please. You need to learn that when you love someone, you do things to make their life easier. Not everything needs to be a lesson in responsibility.
For instance, if your wife cooks dinner, I am guessing that she doesn’t make you cook your own dinner, even though you should be “responsible for taking care of” yourself. Considering you are grandparents, you both need to grow up and stop keeping score.” fourmartens
8. AITJ For Not Teaching My Colleague To Bake In Person?
“I (22F) have been working at this place for a while. We get free fruit, but often there’s a lot of untouched fruit that would go to waste.
I started taking the fruit home to bake with or make jams etc. I often bring the cakes or whatever to work to share.
This guy, Ale (25M), really likes my food. Like, really likes it. If he’s around when I walk through the door, he follows me to the staff room asking what I’ve made, or will ask what I’ll make next if I don’t have anything. He comes to my space to talk & asks me my “secret,” what I put in the food, then he says I’m secretly adding something so he’ll become addicted (I know the latter is a joke cause that would be a serious accusation, also cause he wouldn’t eat it if he really believed it).
He seems really sad if he gets to work late and there isn’t any, or he says I should make it up to him, so I keep a slice for him when he’s late.
However, I got fed up with telling him the recipes over and over again!
So, last month I wrote down the recipes for the apple pie, the apple strudel, the apple tartlets, the tarte tatin, the plum jam, the plum pie, the banana bread, the chocolate and pear cake, and I even added a pear poached in wine recipe (I never brought that to work but I had mentioned it) and I gave it to him.
Ale said thanks, kept it, and then this morning I brought in something that is on that recipe list.
HE STILL CAME AND ASKED FOR THE RECIPE!
I asked him if he tried any of the recipes I sent. HE DIDN’T!
He said he isn’t good at cooking and it’s not fun to do it alone, then asked if he could just come over and watch me bake so he could “learn by doing.” And I understand people learn like that but couldn’t he have said so?
Why ask about the recipes every time? Is it a memory issue?
He said he’d take me out to eat something I didn’t bake as thanks, so he was polite about it, but the issue is I am not very good with people and the idea of going to their house makes me nervous, even more so the thought of them coming to my place!
I didn’t know how to express that though. Writing is easier, I freeze up a bit and panic when I need to talk so I said no.
I’m no cook, and the recipes I use are really small adaptations of what I found online, so I said I’d send him some YouTube videos of the recipes later, but he didn’t really reply to that and left.
I sent the videos as promised and he didn’t reply to the text but he normally answers right away. He did read it.
He hasn’t spoken to me since and when I passed by him on the way to the canteen he didn’t say anything when he normally says hi or even has lunch with me so I think I hurt his feelings.
Was I rude in sending him the YouTube videos and not agreeing to teach him in person?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It really sounds like he’s interested in a date and is trying to spend time with you. He’s using the “forgetting” as an excuse as well as the “take me out to eat something I didn’t bake as thanks.” It also sounds like he’s just too clingy and annoying and you are not interested in him in that way.
”He hasn’t spoken to me since and when I passed by him on the way to the canteen he didn’t say anything.” Take that as a win and avoid him in the future; he’s not interested in your recipes.” StonewallBrigade21
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I think he may like you a bit.
For him to keep coming to you saying that he likes your cooking (your recipes sound amazing btw) and then to ask for the recipe for a dish you already gave to him, then to ask to come over to learn from you? That sounds like he has a little crush on you, and maybe you did hurt his feelings but it’s not like you really meant to.
He’s a grown man and has the ability to do it himself, but maybe he just likes you.” black_bongwater
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not used to these in heteronormative relationships…but he’s flirting with you. He’s using the recipes as an excuse to talk to you, and when you gave him the “cookbook” he needed another excuse so he wanted private lessons.
So when you sent him video links, he’s probably decided that you’re not interested and you’re trying to push him away without outright rejecting him, so he’s backing off and not responding immediately. There, now you know. Do with the information what you will. If you’re not interested or don’t want to be with a co-worker, you’ve already turned him down.
If you are interested, you’ve now got an excuse to go on a “date” by offering to teach him if the videos aren’t working.” Abstruse
7. AITJ For Asking My Son If His Friend Was His Partner?
“I’ve always felt like my youngest boy “Trevor” is gay. Not that he’s like overly feminine or anything nor is his new “friend” other than maybe the dyed pink and blue hair. He’s actually a pretty traditional rough-and-tumble country boy. He’s just never taken to girls like his older brothers did.
They were girl crazy by the 7th grade but Trevor no sir and he’s almost 16. He’s a good-looking kid too and a wrestling and track and field star. He’s had plenty of girls interested in him and he’s always used the excuse that he’s focusing on sports.
Also since the 8th grade, it’s been like he’s hiding something from me and we haven’t been as close. Now as a dad of 3 boys, I love all my kids equally but oddly enough I’ve always been closer to my baby boy. The other two can’t wait to leave the farm.
My oldest is in college for drama and theater and my second is wanting to go to school for doctoring. Trevor is the only one who took to farming like magic and loves it so it hurts not being as close as we used to.
Over the last few months, he’s been hanging out with this boy “Jorge” (16M) he met at a wrestling meet from another school. I’ve seen Jorge around far more than any of his friends including his best friends. They talk so sweetly to each other and share clothes, always going out, or closing his bedroom door.
They play footsie when they think no one can notice. This also isn’t the first time he’s had such an intense “friendship” with another boy. The other day I caught them cuddling and asleep out in the barn. I didn’t wake them and left ’em alone.
So yesterday while we were fixing a fence, I asked if Jorge was, you know, his partner. He just turns beet red and asks me what I mean. I ask the same thing again and he just starts to ignore me and starts working on the fence again.
He notices that I’m still waiting patiently and he just goes, “Of course not, how could I think he was a (slur).” That hurt my heart to hear that and I reminded him about his “friend” Andrew from last year and how I didn’t say anything.
I told him I loved him but he just clammed up saying he wasn’t a (slur). I just let it drop after that. He just went up to his room without saying anything after we got done. His momma asked what was wrong and I told her.
That I was confused about why he wouldn’t tell us. She thinks I overstepped and should just wait till he tells us. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You tried. I would now write him a sweet and short letter (don’t bring it up face to face again).
“Hey kiddo, sorry I had the wrong impression about you and Jorge. I just wanted to make sure you know that I love you always no matter who you go out with now or in the future.” I’m sure part of his reaction was due to the fact that you just said “is he your partner” without indicating your support.
Knowing his dad loves him, gay or not, should help even if he’s not gay. Good luck.” Thrown4a_fruitloop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes it’s just hard for people to come out to others. Coming out goes two-way, in a sense: half is knowing you’ll be accepted and half is accepting it for yourself.
It can also be stressful as a guy, because of the attitude that being gay is an inherent punchline. It’s possible your son and his friends are just platonically affectionate in ways that men typically aren’t, and it’s possible your son is still trying to figure things out for himself.
Either way, you being open-minded and accepting is a good thing if he is trying to come to terms with his own feelings. Wish you all the best!” ga_zen11
Another User Comments:
“If he’s not gay you reinforced that certain behavior is “gay” or perceived as gay.
If he has dealt with a lot of people questioning his masculinity or s*******y it could be hurtful to think your dad feels the same way about you: that there is something not normal about his way of being. If he’s gay he had to be ready to come out and a casual question might not be comfortable for him.” smallsssynth
6. AITJ For Insisting On Using A Meat Thermometer At A Family Gathering?
“I (17f) recently moved with my family to the town most of my dad’s family lives in. We used to live 8 hours away from them and never really see them much other than a few days during Xmas. They are real tight and hang out together often.
My family has joined a few gatherings since the move. How that works is that the family decides whose house they will all go to, settle on the menu, everyone pays their share, the host plus a few helpers buy the ingredients and cook and feel free to add a few dishes if they want, everyone comes to eat and have a good time.
My family never hosts because our place is too small but I think this is an excellent system.
I cook. Not very good or anything but I cook. Last week it was cousin Tim (31m) hosting and he asked that a few cousins and I help out.
So I went to his house before the party. There were his partner Mary (25f), and two cousins (20f & 18m) with me in the kitchen. The menu was fried chicken, boiled potatoes, and garden salad with cheesecake. I was asked to do the cake.
Everyone started working.
The other three had prepped the chickens and taken care of the potatoes by the time I put the cakes in the oven. I then helped with the salad while watching Mary fry the chicken. I thought she didn’t fry them long enough and suggested we use the meat thermometer to test the doneness.
Mary insisted she didn’t need some fancy gadget to know her chickens were done. I, politely mind you, asked to try a piece of bone-in chicken breast and it was still pink in the middle. Mary’s face fell a bit and she put the chicken breasts back in the oil.
This is where I may be a jerk. I insisted that we check EVERY single piece with the meat thermometer. Mary neither said no nor OK, so the other cousins and I checked. As it turned out, other than the chicken breasts, the other pieces were at the right temperature.
We finished everything, served the food at the party, and everyone had a good time.
Tim later called me and said Mary was upset that I insulted her cooking ability. She said one mistake didn’t allow me to doubt everything she had worked on and me insisting on using the meat thermometer to test everything is like telling everyone in the kitchen that Mary was a bad cook.
I was like, but food poisoning, you know…. Still, maybe I was too pushy? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one likes overdone chicken, but no one likes food poisoning either. A meat thermometer is a super useful gadget to avoid either extreme. Using kitchen aides doesn’t make you a terrible cook… It just makes cooking easier and less stressful.
I think she is being overly sensitive. You only suggested she use a tool to help her, it’s not like you pushed her out of the way and took over.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“Poor Mary. What does she think meat thermometers were made for?
Chicken is the main protein that MUST be cooked to temp, so it’s smart to check it. Even an accomplished cook will use a thermometer for chicken. But Mary doesn’t need some “fancy gadget” to tell her… except she did. Would she really rather give her family food poisoning to prove she inherently knows when the chicken is appropriate for consumption?
Silly Mary.” CoconutFit1024
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I prefer my chicken without a side of salmonella and feel it’s better to be safe than sorry. Food safety is very important to me. Maybe you could have taken her aside and been more discreet about checking the temperature to avoid embarrassing her, however.” Leading-Knowledge712
5. AITJ For Wanting To Wear My Gothic Makeup At My Parents' Wedding?
“I F (15) am going to my parents’ F (36) and M (35) wedding in a couple of months.
My father brought up to me that I can’t wear my full-face goth makeup. I understand that it’s her wedding day and she wants things a specific way, but I don’t understand why I can’t wear my makeup. My dad says it’s how she wants it to be for the pictures and such, and that it’s a ‘respect’ thing.
I should mention that they are very accepting of how I dress/present. Which is why I was confused when he said that she didn’t want me to wear my makeup. I’m not trying to get attention – that’s not my intention. I feel comfortable with how I dress and feel ‘at home’ with my makeup.
So I sort of feel like they’re restricting that for some pictures at the wedding.
But I could be wrong, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As you go through life, you’ll find that expressing your personal style will have its limits. This is one of them, and it most certainly won’t be the last. Your parents, who have been very accepting of you, are making a simple request of you for one day.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. As long as they’re not controlling all the time, it would be really nice if you could agree to wear a more subtle makeup look for the wedding. You can do it your way all the rest of the time.
When something is going to live in photos forever, sometimes people just want it to be more timeless than a certain makeup or hair trend. You may think right now that this is your style forever but as you get older, you may prefer different looks.
It’s nice to have family photos where hair/makeup isn’t a hugely prominent feature.” SelfImportantCat
Another User Comments:
“Like many others here a light YTJ. Not for being you but for being unwilling to compromise for a single day. If the makeup is something that makes you feel comfortable in a public setting then maybe sit down with your mom and dad and go over looks that WOULD be acceptable for their day.
Do a look you’re all comfortable with and involve them in the discussion. Show them you want to work with them and explain to them how the makeup makes you feel. I would also consider who else is going to the wedding and if your full makeup would take attention away from the couple.
A full-on goth look at a wedding WILL inspire whispers and talk (especially from the older people in attendance) and the couple is likely aware of that and would prefer to not have the focus be on the look of one attendee.” Tiny_Economist2732
4. AITJ For Kicking Out My Son's Partner For Smoking At A Family Party?
“I’m a divorced mom of two twin boys (Aiden and Corey 14M).
I divorced their dad 3 years ago and I’m getting remarried in a month. Aiden is doing ok, especially since he and I have always been close but Corey is being a bit of a nightmare. He’s always been closer to their dad and is still upset about the divorce.
Ever since my wedding announcement a few months ago, he has been acting out. From arguing with and picking fights with my fiance to skipping class and basketball practice. He even broke up with his nice partner to start seeing this older disrespectful kid Riley 16M who smokes and rides him around everywhere on that darn motorcycle of his.
Since then I’ve caught them raiding my liquor cabinet and Riley sneaking out of my house in the middle of the night. My ex thinks I should just not make a big deal out of it and the Riley problem will go away but it hasn’t.
Over the weekend my niece turned 15 and she had a big party like a cotillion thing. The boys were part of the court. One of the boys who was supposed to be in the court had to drop a week before and of course Corey recommended Riley as a last-minute replacement.
We didn’t really have time to find anyone else and teach them the dances and apparently Riley already knows them so it was settled to my dismay.
Day of the party Saturday everything is going smoothly and it’s almost time to do the whole dance and whatnot.
I couldn’t find Corey or Riley anywhere till I smelled something off the fire escape. And there they were getting lit up higher than a Christmas tree. I was beyond angry and I’d just had it. I yelled at them to get back in right then.
They were both high as a kite and I lost it. I yelled at Riley to get out and told him I’d have him arrested for possession if I ever saw him with Corey again. He promptly high-tailed it out of there with Corey yelling at me that he hates me.
Apparently, we were pretty loud and everyone could hear us. The party was pretty much ruined after that, especially with two of the boys unable/unwilling to dance. Some family think I overreacted and should’ve waited till after the party to say anything and some are mad that I can’t control my son.
My ex thinks I just made the Riley situation worse. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Whatever your son’s reasons are for acting out, he needs help from someone who knows how to talk to teens in these family dynamic situations. He needs help. The one who will pay the price of all his behavior is himself – but he can’t see that at his age.
Things could keep spiraling out of control for him. Work together with your ex and get him the help he needs.” Spike-2021
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a mom stuck in a bad situation with your kid in the middle of emotional problems. Giving no leeway towards the substances is the right call.
Boggles my mind other adults would think you should wait till after a party to deal with your 14-year-old smoking at his sister’s birthday. The ruined vibe of the party is not your fault and you did the right thing. Tough love is the only true love to give someone in trouble.
And Corey is in trouble. Maybe a family counselor could help. But I really hope you don’t second guess your instincts to take control as much as you can and be a parent. It reads more like the dad is an issue, lazy and letting things slide with the kids on his end.
Good luck, this battle is far from over.” burn_as_souls
Another User Comments:
“YTJ big time. You need to get your son into therapy. Him acting out as a cry for help and you need to put your wedding on hold. You didn’t care to get your son into therapy to work through his issues from you and your ex-husband’s divorce.
Well, guess what now was the time and you need to put your wedding on hold. Your son comes first. If you claim to love your son put him first because by what you describe in your post it sounds like you haven’t.” BeneficialNose5447
3. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Room For My Pregnant Stepsister?
“My (17F) parents divorced a while back, and my dad’s been remarried for a few years. My stepsister Mia (18F) just found out she’s pregnant, and now my dad and my stepmom want me to give her my room since it’s bigger and more comfortable.
I get that she needs the space, but why should I be the one to move? We have a guest room, and we could even fix up the basement. But they won’t even consider it. They’re basically saying that Mia being comfortable is more important than me.
Obviously, being pregnant isn’t easy, but it feels messed up that I’d have to give up my space. I tried to say no, and my dad and stepmom got super mad, called me selfish and even some of my aunts and uncles agree with them!
My friends think they’re being crazy, but I’m starting to wonder…AITJ for wanting to keep my room?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your stepsister is 18, not 8, legally an adult. If she’s old enough to conceive and raise a child then she’s old enough to 1.
Either find a new place to live with the father of her child, 2. Use the guest room for the baby, 3, use the basement if it’s finished or your parents can finish it. What next will you be expected to help her look after the kid as well?
She made a choice, she can deal with the consequences of it. You didn’t get her pregnant so why are you being punished for it?” Mackymcmcmac
Another User Comments:
“Of course you want to keep your room, and it sucks that you are probably not going to get a choice in the matter – especially if you aren’t paying rent.
I would suggest that you “negotiate” getting them to fix up the basement for you (or give you a budget to fix it up yourself). Make the space better than what you have now. Also, start arranging your schedule NOW so that you regularly have an Elsewhere to Be most nonschool evenings and weekends so that by the time the baby arrives your “normal schedule” is well established. Otherwise, you might find yourself roped into the position of unpaid babysitter – because she has a lot on her plate right now and could use the help, besides….what else do you have to do?
Be sure the answer to that last question is “A Lot.”” Diasies_inMyHair
Another User Comments:
“We need more information: Does your room fit all the baby’s furniture but hers doesn’t? I mean practically fit, squeezing furniture in and actually being able to comfortably move around it are different things.
Is the guest room big enough for the cot etc or are you thinking it could be the baby’s room and the house loses the utility of a guest room? Is the basement actually a healthy habitable space? Many aren’t due to mold, occasional flooding, no windows.
Is it financially viable to redo the basement? Just because it’s technically possible doesn’t mean it’s really an option if the family can’t afford to make the necessary changes to make it a habitable space. Is her room much harder to get to?
Eg if she’s recovering from a traumatic birth will she actually be able to access spaces like the bathroom or is it near your room while she would need to go up/down a flight of stairs? The fact that the adults in the family are calling you selfish suggests that you probably are.” [deleted]
2. AITJ For Telling My Friend She Shouldn't Have Gotten Pregnant Again If Unhappy With Her Husband?
“I 32F have been with my husband 29M Jay for 3 years.
We have a daughter Annie 1F. For Mother’s Day, Jay booked me a weekend trip to spend with my sisters and Mom and he took Annie to visit my MIL. Jay was really thoughtful and booked us all a spa weekend and I posted a selfie of me, my mom, and sisters thanking Jay for organizing this surprise on my Instagram.
I went to lunch with my friend Sara 31F who is 4 months pregnant and she asked me about my weekend and mentioned she saw my Instagram story. I told her about it and then asked her about her Mother’s Day. She started complaining that her husband Dan didn’t even offer to look over their 2-year-old daughter while she cleaned on the Sunday.
I sympathized until she made a comment about how I would never understand as Jay is so nice and then said maybe she should have been a cougar like me. I told her that her comment was unfair, and then I asked if she wanted advice, which she agreed to, so I told her if she was really that upset over how Dan treated her she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant a second time and instead demanded for Dan to treat her better.
Sara has been friends with me since before I was seeing Jay, where she saw me seeing guys that didn’t treat me as well, and I told her that, saying I set expectations and that is how I got a husband that treated me well and learned to not lower my standards.
She is now going around to our mutual friends saying I insulted her husband. I will admit I got upset at her comments and I maybe could have phrased it more delicately, but she asked for my advice, and I gave it. I don’t know how else I could have said it.
Sara knows I have a more honest approach when it comes to advice as she has asked for my help in the past, but maybe I took it too far and it came off as snobbish, and should apologize.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re mischaracterizing done things here.
First off, you say, “But she asked for my advice.” This isn’t true. You asked if she would take advice, and she agreed. So you made the first move. Second, and more importantly, what you said wasn’t advice. Advice is a recommendation for future action.
You are telling her she made a mistake, which is not about her future. She can’t un-make that decision.” OldPresentation3437
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t give her advice. You insulted her. What’s she gonna do with what you said? Time travel and do it your way the second time around?
Divorce her husband and try again? Because those are the only options with your “advice,” which is why it wasn’t advice, it was criticism/thinly veiled insult. She’s offended because you were offensive. Was her comment out of pocket? Sure. I would’ve raised my eyebrows at that, too.
Maybe said, “Wow, that’s certainly one way to look at it,” in the moment, or even, “It’s less to do with the age difference and more to do with what I was looking for in a life partner.” But to offer advice, and then hit her with useless criticism is just adding insult to injury.
If you couldn’t think of any actual applicable advice, just keep your mouth shut.” Intelligent-Apple840
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would explain to your mutual friends that she ASKED you for your advice and you told her that YOU are treated well because that’s an expectation that you went into YOUR relationship with.
You didn’t tell her that her husband is terrible, you simply explained (after SHE asked) that the treatment you get from your husband is part of the requirements you had going into the relationship. It’s obvious that she doesn’t like the treatment she gets in her relationship, and she’s essentially doubled down on it by having another baby with him.
He’s not going to change if she doesn’t make it clear that she won’t accept that behavior.” Fiigwort
1. AITJ For Stopping My Daughter's Allowance When She Turned 16?
“This is about my middle daughter, Kara.
I informed her a few months ago that I would stop giving her an allowance when she turned 16. I did this because she is old enough to earn her own pocket money by getting a job or babysitting for anyone in the family. It is also good job experience for her to work and really understand getting a paycheck.
Not to mention learning how to interact with coworkers.
Multiple family members have younger children and are always asking for any relatives who can babysit. So there is something quite easy for her to do if she doesn’t want to get a part-time job.
I did the same thing with my older son and he got his own job at the local pool.
There are plenty of jobs around the area so that is not an issue. I made it clear I will help both of them to get a job, and when my son asked I helped him with his resume.
So her 16th birthday went and gone.
She asked me where her allowance was and I reminded her that she isn’t getting one anymore.
This started an argument and she thinks I am a jerk for doing this. My husband also thinks I should give in but I am not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You set expectations, and have stuck to those expectations, and have been consistent in their application since you did the same thing with the older brother. If you want nuance in an answer, if you think she is looking for work and is struggling for reasons she cannot control, it might be worth offering to compensate her for volunteering or casual jobs at home to earn that income back.
Not chores, mind you, and not things she might have done to earn her allowance previously, but actual jobs: the allowance (which I assume is not equivalent to an actual income) continues if she is actually looking for work, and otherwise doing things with her time that make the world a better place.
Join a park clean-up. Volunteer as a dog walker with the local pound or rescue. Work with a festival or local event group. It’s fairly important that her allowance not be an actual income here, since she’s going to want actual money soon and she needs to understand that it comes from work.
But I could see my way to continuing a bit of pocket money if she’s actively job hunting and also adding to the community while she’s looking.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 16 is a perfectly reasonable age to begin part-time work. (Younger than that is really impractical – most places can’t hire kids younger than that unless they’re “off the books” and that’s not a good idea for anyone.) OP even gave Kara an easy solution – babysitting for friends/family.
She doesn’t even have to find a job. And work history is something she can put on her college applications in a couple of years. Sounds like the kid is a little lazy and/or entitled; this is a great way to cure her of that.
And if OP did the same with the older brother, I’m not sure why Kara would be surprised that this is the expectation.” Remarkable_Inchworm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if she’s university track. Spending more time on academics and extracurriculars is almost always better for their long-term future than some nonsense teen part-time job.
I earned $40k in merit-based aid back in the day, and I’ve seen recent grads also get full merit scholarships for academic or sports performance. And if you are saying, “Well, maybe she should do everything!” humans aren’t biologically capable of safely and effectively working too much.
It decreases learning, memory, sports performance, physical health, mental health, etc. If she is university track and wants to focus on academics and sports, she should do so, and you should enable that by continuing to give an allowance. Now, if she’s not university-bound, a part-time job can help build skills and resume for post-high school, so encouraging it wouldn’t be unreasonable.
Still, if it’s on the fence, in every country I’ve ever seen data from, college degrees have a massive wage premium.” Neo_Demiurge
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