People Look Forward To Being Better Individuals By Getting Their "Am I The Jerk" Stories Assessed
24. AITJ For Trying To Accommodate Other Family Members' Food Restrictions?
“I hosted Thanksgiving at my home this year. We have several lactose-intolerant family members, one of them being my son’s husband, so I made some recipes using oil or olive oil ‘butter’ over real butter, or using Lactaid milk so it would be safe.
I made sure to put the dairy-free items apart from anything with regular milk and butter by having a separate small table for those dishes.
My son-in-law ended up feeling very ill and my son brought him to the ER that night. Even though I used safe ingredients he still had a reaction to something unknown in the food.
My son rang me up from the hospital asking what was in the dishes at the dairy-safe table. I told him I used oil, vegan butter, and Lactaid. He was upset with me because I put milk into the mashed potatoes. I told him again I put Lactaid milk so it would be safe.
My son-in-law has recovered and is doing well. My son, however, is quite upset with me and claims he cannot trust me to cook food for them again because I ‘mislabeled’ the food. He is claiming he has told me many times about his husband’s dairy allergy, and I agree he has which is why I made separate food.
It is now to the point where the family doesn’t want me to make any dairy-free dishes for Christmas because I am ‘failing to understand.’ Instead, they have all agreed my sister-in-law will make some of those dishes while my son and son-in-law will make the rest.
I am beside myself because I love to cook for and feed my family. I feel I am being displaced when what happened on Thanksgiving could have been caused by a reaction to anything.”
Another User Comments:
“Your son-in-law is not lactose intolerant, he is allergic to dairy.
Lactose intolerance is a completely different medical condition compared to dairy allergy. People who are allergic to dairy cannot have Lactaid milk or any dairy in any form. I can see that you tried your best to make something safe for your son-in-law, but, it sounds like, without knowing, you made a mistake that could have resulted in your son-in-law’s death.
Also, it seems like you still don’t understand the reason why the food that you made was not safe for your son-in-law so it’s really for the best, for his safety, if you don’t cook for him again. I’m sure you would not want your son-in-law to become very ill or die from eating food you cooked, so, I really hope you can come to terms with this and not feel like anyone is trying to displace you.” Reasonable-Sale8611
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. A dairy allergy is different than a lactose intolerance. For people with lactose intolerance, that means they cannot process one specific sugar in milk, lactose. In those cases, lactaid and other lactose-free milk are viable substitutes, because they are milk without lactose, the one thing people with lactose intolerance cannot process.
However, a dairy allergy is not just to that one sugar. It’s to other parts of milk, too. So when you put lactaid in the potatoes, you were not making dairy-free potatoes. You made lactose-free potatoes, which were safe for people with lactose intolerance, but not for people with dairy allergies.
You should not have called your potatoes dairy-free, and I wouldn’t trust you to cook for someone with allergies, either.” AliceInWeirdoland
23. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up My Plane Seat For A Toddler?
“I (34 F) am obese. I’m actively working toward losing weight and I’ve made progress but I’m still obese as I’m typing this.
I’m going over to see my brother and his husband for Christmas across the country and because I’m fat, I booked an extra seat so everyone can be more comfortable. I know it sucks having to pay for an extra seat but it is what it is.
I know Southwest Airlines has this ‘customer of size’ policy but I’ve had some bad experiences with Southwest even before I was obese so I wasn’t doing that and it’s mostly my fault I even got fat.
Everything goes smoothly from checking in to security and boarding, at least at first. This woman comes to my row with a boy who appeared to be about a year old.
She told me to squeeze into one seat so her son could sit in the other. She told me, not asked. I told her no and that I paid for this seat for the extra space.
She makes a big fuss over it, which gets the flight attendant’s attention.
She told the flight attendant I was stealing the seat from her son, and then I showed my boarding passes, proving that I paid for the extra seat. The flight attendant asked me if I could try to squeeze in, but I said no, that I wanted the extra seat I paid for.
The boy, who the mom said is 18 months old was supposed to sit in her lap so he could do just that. The flight attendant eventually told the mom to put her son in her lap. I got dirty looks and passive-aggressive remarks from her for the entire flight and I do feel a little bad because the boy looked hard to control so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are a little bit of a jerk (to yourself) for how apologetic you are in this story about your size. You should always do what you can to be as healthy as you can, but being fat isn’t a character flaw or a moral failing.
We all have our challenges in life, and you deserve to not be ashamed of your body and yourself even if you aren’t currently meeting your goals. If Mom wants an extra seat for her kids, she should have purchased one. She’s not entitled to a seat you purchased, and you don’t need to feel bad for her bad behavior.” LadyCass79
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely 100 percent NTJ. You paid for your seat. This woman was trying to steal a free seat for her kid. If it’s too hard to have him on her lap, buy a seat for him. It’s crappy that they even asked you to share or give up your seat.
Plus airlines demand larger customers purchase two seats and god knows, if you were in one seat and that entitled mom was next to you, the same dirty looks and comments would be the result. She had no right and the plane staff should have shut her down.
It’s misery dealing with all the judgment when you fly in these crowded planes and everyone acts like you are taking up too much space, either way, you try to manage it. The crew should realize that that is sensitive and not join in the bullying, even if in terms of ‘trying to compromise’.
That’s hundreds of dollars she was trying to snatch from you when she chose not to purchase a seat! Ooh, I’m mad about this one. You are so NTJ.” katchoo1
22. AITJ For Rejecting My Sister-In-Law's Gift?
“I (F 36) had a birthday a few weeks ago. For context, I am fortunate enough to be doing well enough with work that I am doing comfortably money-wise that I did not need anything, however, I had several friends/family members who still wanted to give gifts so I made a small list of ideas with some items ranging from $10-$60, thinking the higher amount items would be picked up by people like my parents or husband who are also doing fine.
Enter SIL (30). I’ll be honest we aren’t the closest. She is not doing very well, living paycheck to paycheck. She frequently buys loads of stuff from places like Temu because it is cheap, not because she necessarily needs it.
Inconsiderate may not be a 100% fair description of her as a gifter because she’s often in the right category.
Like if one of the kids is into art, she will get them one of those art kits, but the cheapest one she can find, where all the paints and markers are dried out before you even open it. Lots of gifts like that, where it’s the cheapest possible version of what you might have wanted. Or used items when not appropriate.
Used books are awesome. Used makeup less so.
The family has tried suggesting to her a few times that if she wants to spend $10 on us, we would all really prefer to get one $10 item than ten $1 items, you know? As the stuff she gifts often doesn’t work or otherwise just becomes a burden to have to try to throw away/recycle.
I didn’t realize she’d gotten ahold of my birthday wishlist until a gift arrived in the mail, a very cheap massager. (Context – I have horrific chronic pain and go to a massage therapist frequently. I had put gift cards to my massage therapist on my list.)
I already have a nice massager and to be honest, no need for one that didn’t seem like it would work very long, so I thanked SIL for the thought but asked if they might be able to return it (no gift receipt) as I already had one, and I said that she didn’t need to get me something.
I said I appreciated the sentiment but I’d prefer if they kept that money for themselves.
SIL got very defensive saying she’d got me ‘something from my list’ and that I was a jerk for rejecting her gift. I said I already had a messenger that suited my needs well, and she said I was a snob because not everyone could afford the exact things on my list. I had not been expecting anything from her, but I had tried to provide ideas at several price points as there were a couple of other people in the family with tight budgets who still insisted on getting something.
I reiterated I was happy to get birthday wishes from her but she did not need to feel obligated to get me anything and I would prefer she use that money for herself. She called me ungrateful and hung up.
Hubby understands but says I probably should have just accepted the gift and either tossed it quietly or given it away or something, but years of this kind of stuff made me feel like I had to say something.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for how you handled this. It sounds like you don’t want any gifts, you just don’t want SIL’s gifts. You need to choose either a firm ‘no gifts for adults’ policy in your family/friend group OR be polite to everyone who gives you a gift, including your SIL.
We don’t know why she buys these things and neither do you. Sure it’s fun to make snap judgments about internet strangers, that’s why we’re all here. But this is your family and she deserves to be treated with kindness and respect.” Organic-Meeting734
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your response was reasonable and her reaction was not. The process of giving a more freestyle gift carries a reflection of self, in which case people might take rejection too personally. But you straight up had a list/registry so uninvited ‘creative problem solving’ with Temu should not have come up to start with.
It’s not like she had a conversation with you about your PT woes and suggested a no-name massager that she’s personally used, so it wouldn’t come off as a particularly thoughtful gift anyhow.
Lastly, I think sometimes people cope with financial anxieties by going out of their way to feel more savvy or resourceful.
The theory goes – if your expensive problem can be solved with a cheap alternative, then it’s also easier to believe that having relatively lacking finances isn’t necessarily a stressful hindrance. But that’s not your problem to fix.” melisma
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it sounds like she has good intentions but perhaps a spot of mental illness that compels her to buy things and enjoys gift giving.
A massager is quite thoughtful, it’s not like she’s dismissive of your pain or chronic issues and maybe thought it might help on days you can’t see a masseuse. My grandma was like this and now she’s dead even though I never truly enjoyed or even used her gifts, I would give anything to see a poorly wrapped gift under the tree from her and hear her excitedly tell me she found a lovely blouse for me at the thrift shop.
Asking for a gift to be returned, unless it’s a duplicate book you want to swap or something, is a jerk move and ungrateful. They are thinking of you with kindness, and you are looking down on them.” takeyourcrumbs
21. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Apartment With My Cousin?
“My (25 f) cousin (17 M) recently got into NYU (I’m so proud of him!).
My mom told me when I invited her over for dinner a couple of weeks ago. She then brought up that he could live with me instead of dorming. She brought it up in a casual and joking manner so I laughed and said ‘I can’t live with that drama queen for the life of me’.
She shrugged it off and she didn’t bring up the topic again that night.
Almost four days later I got a call from my aunt; she reiterated what my mother said and said she was so grateful for what I was doing for my cousin.
I went silent for a little and asked what she meant by that. My aunt said that I had agreed to take my cousin in and let him live with me for his academic career.
I was shocked at first and told her that I never agreed to that.
She then followed with – word to word – ‘I know, but he’s your cousin, the least you can do is let him stay at your apartment’. Now that I type it out it seems sort of innocent, but in that moment it angered me.
I lost my cool and told her I didn’t owe anybody anything and hung up.
I’ll admit, I didn’t handle that in the best manner and I could have been a lot calmer, but I don’t want someone to live with me. I live by myself in a 2 bedroom apartment in Forest Hills, I already pay a lot for rent and have a very tight budget for food.
Even if his parents offered to pay for his expenses, such as food and transportation, I still wouldn’t want him living with me.
Shortly after my blow-up with my aunt, A few of my family members began blowing up my phone saying that I was being selfish and I was jealous of my cousin’s success.
My uncle texted me saying that I was ruining his son’s life and ranted about how self-absorbed I am. To be frank, I don’t care what he or anyone else in my family tells me about this situation. There’s a reason I try to avoid them at family functions.
What makes me wonder if I am a jerk is when my mother said that I was being unfair and that I’ll open my apartment door for one-night stands but not for her own family. I told her that she could have a say in who I let in my apartment when she started paying my rent.
Right now, I’m contemplating blocking my mom.
Part of me feels like I am being a jerk and the other part of me feels like it’s my apartment so I shouldn’t be bullied into anything I don’t want to do. I’m not mad at my cousin because he’s a kid, but I’m mad at everyone in my family taking his parents and mom’s side of the story.
My dad has been very supportive of my decision and is reprimanding my mom and her family about the whole situation. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!
‘I know, but he’s your cousin, the least you can do is let him stay at your apartment’.
No, it’s not. She’s trying to pretend it’s not a big ask by trying to bamboozle you into thinking it’s an obligation.
Your family is unhinged and you should not share your apartment unless you wish to and you provide the initial invitation. As soon as she said you had agreed to take in your cousin, you should have told her that no, you never agreed to that, and then hung up the phone.
She started right in with a lie. Stand firm and don’t let them take advantage of you.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, absolutely not! I loved your reaction to your aunt’s call, had me laugh a good deep laugh, so thanks. Here is the thing most people don’t seem to understand.
The word ‘family’ has no more weight than the word ‘dirt’. It is a word used to describe a familial connection between two people, nothing more. It is not a right to anything, it is not a forgive-all card, it is not an endless chances card, it obligates one to nothing.
To be honest the boy probably doesn’t want to live with you any more than you do him. What young college boy/man wants to live with an older female cousin, NONE! I am glad you have the guts to blow them off and not be guilted into something you don’t want.
Tell those people they can all contribute financially to an apartment for him, problem solved.” ConfusedAt63
20. AITJ For Not Getting Off The Plane With My Husband After He Got Kicked Out For Being Too Wasted?
“I (28 f) recently married my husband Adam (30 m). We are the same ethnicity and both speak our language, however, I am more fluent as I go to our home country more often as my extended family is there and it is just my parents, me, and my sisters here.
Adam’s grandparents are the ones who came to our country first so he has most of his family here and we see them more often, so I am close with his family.
My parents are divorced, and around the time I started seeing Adam, my dad moved back to our home country.
I regularly call him, but since he moved he has come to see me twice and then was at my wedding.
My dad disapproves of Adam and I have had fights with Adam in the past about how I feel I have made more of an effort with his family, and he hasn’t done the same for me.
Both my parents speak our home language and when we started going out, Adam wasn’t conversationally fluent so there was a barrier to them initially bonding, and it was more apparent when my dad came to stay with us but in the lead-up to the wedding, my dad stayed with us and it went fine.
I have been planning a trip to my home country to surprise my dad and asked Adam to come as well. He agreed and then balked when I said we were going to stay with my dad and made ‘what I thought was’ a joke about having to drink before meeting him – I didn’t find it funny and Adam later apologized.
However, yesterday was our flight and I was coming to the airport after work so Adam went early with our suitcases to check in and we were meant to meet up later. He was wasted and the flight attendant wouldn’t let him on the plane.
I called my BIL who could take care of Adam and left my BIL’s phone number with the attendant taking care of Adam and I stayed on my flight. My home country is far so tickets are expensive and I took leave off from work for the trip so I don’t get off with Adam.
Adam is now upset with me, saying I left him in a situation where he was wasted and if roles were reversed he would have never left me alone when I was wasted but I don’t think that is fair.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Is he always this manipulative? He PLANNED to get wasted and probably knew they wouldn’t let him on the flight for that reason. He weasled his way out of the trip then gaslighted you and said you were at fault. He’s a grown man, doesn’t he know when he’s getting wasted?
Of course, he does. You didn’t leave him alone, as you called for your BIL. An intoxicated man alone is different and, in my opinion, less vulnerable than an intoxicated woman alone, anyway. Good luck with this marriage.” singingkiltmygrandma
Another User Comments:
“Seems like Adam is trying to keep you away from your family.
Huge red flag. You make an effort for his family, and he won’t do the same. I bet it is expected for you to get along with his family, but he doesn’t set those expectations for himself with your family. He knew how important it was for you to see your dad, and yet he still got wasted. He told you he would get wasted before going to meet your dad.
He purposely got wasted as a ploy for you both not to go visit your father. I bet he never imagined you would go without him. He could have caught another flight after sobering up. he may have had to pay a bit more, though.
Now, he is trying to play the victim, asking if roles were reversed. But the roles would never be like that as you would never do that to him. I would rethink this whole relationship and see a marriage counselor. NTJ” Ace_boy08
19. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Stay With Us After I Give Birth?
“After our daughter is born in 2 months, I want my mom to stay with us for a few days to a week to help me recover and help out with our little one as my mother is amazing, has always been there for me, and wants to stay as she lives 2 hours away and commuting isn’t an option.
She’ll give me space if I need it and help cook and clean.
My husband wants his mom to stay for 3-4 days after that but I can almost guarantee that she will be another child to babysit. She is always telling me what to do and even though she abandoned all 5 of her kids including my husband when they were little and signed over her rights I am fairly certain she’s going to try to push her opinions on me of what I’m doing wrong and my sleep deprived self is going to lose it on her and strain our somewhat tenuous relationship possibly damaging it permanently.
I highly doubt she will cook or clean so it will be another person for me to cook for, clean up after, and take care of while my husband is at work.
He’s saying that we don’t know how much longer she’ll be around which I don’t think is a fair statement (his mother is 54 with little health issues and my mom is 56 and just beat stage 4 cancer with a prognosis of 6 months) and that he wants this to be her first grandchild she has a relationship with.
She has 4 other grandchildren and she has never met them or tried to be in their lives. She says she wants to do better and be different but after her multiple times including at my wedding making everything about her and inconveniencing everyone for her needs I am skeptical that this would be any different, especially because my husband’s birthday was last week and she didn’t even call him, said her phone was acting up.
I told my husband it’s not my fault that she doesn’t drive and that we have to drive her everywhere and that shouldn’t make it so that she has to stay for days instead of visiting during the day, she only lives 30 minutes away.
I also told him that if he wants her there to help him that’s perfectly fine but he shouldn’t bring her with the expectation that I will be with her 8-10 hours a day without him.
If he wants her support and wants to spend time with her that’s up to him just like I do not expect him to spend 8 hours a day with my mom when she is staying the point is for me and her to bond.
If he wants her to come after the first few weeks once we have a routine that would be fine but during the first few weeks she’s going to be too overbearing. He’s saying he can never tell his mom that my mom stayed the first week because it would hurt her feelings.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She does not need to stay with you. Being 30 minutes away, your husband can drive over and pick her up for a one-day trial. Make a list of things that you would like her to help with (preferably things that your mother helped with) and tell your husband it’s his responsibility to ask her to help him with those things so you and he can get some rest and spend time with the baby during her 1 day visit.
You don’t have to treat her like the housekeeper, but maybe making a meal or doing a load of laundry.
If your husband invites any visitors, including his mother that expect to be entertained, served meals or snacks then that’s his responsibility. You can simply remove yourself and the baby to the bedroom for a nap.” Glinda-The-Witch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s normal for a mother’s mom to stay with her child after a medical event. It is normal for a mother to take care of her child. It is not normal to have in-laws take care of women who aren’t their children postpartum.
That’s not the in-laws’ place especially uninvited. Your MIL simply can not help you like your mother can. Your mother is there for you, not the baby. To help you shower and use the restroom, to check your stitches, or to change your bandages, and help you breastfeed. Your mother has cared for your exposed body before.
Your MIL should not be seeing it for the first time (or ever) during postpartum or delivery.
Your MIL is there for the baby only or maybe the baby and her son who is not the medical patient and requires no care at all beyond maybe vague emotional support but zero physical care at all.
Just like… if your husband had surgery he wouldn’t want his in-laws doing his aftercare over his parents. He wouldn’t want his FIL changing his dressing or helping him to the restroom after a testicular surgery for example. He’d want his parents for that. He’d want his privacy and he wouldn’t want to be forced to entertain and host inlaws for 10 hours days… day one… immediately out of surgery.
Just because a baby is involved does not change that for you.” ManagementFinal3345
18. AITJ For Being Upset At My Son For Not Assembling The Gift I Bought For My Granddaughter?
“Back in October, I (F 63) found a great present for my 6-year-old gymnastics-inclined granddaughter – a climbing dome. Checked with her parents to make sure it was ok, and it was, so I ordered it. My son said to have it delivered to their house, he would put it together.
It arrives Dec 17. I am sooooo excited for her to get this!
On 12/23, we agreed that the kids would spend the night with me, and my son would have the day, without the kids, to put it together. I offered help and my partner will be glad to go over and help.
My son did not ask for any help and did not let me know that he couldn’t get to it, by early that evening I realized the climbing dome was not assembled and wouldn’t be. I was REALLY disappointed to not have that ‘Christmas morning moment’ (I spent the night with them.).
I texted my son on the 27th and asked if it would be cool if I got a handyman to put it together. He was totally not cool with that and told me she wouldn’t miss it and he planned to put it together that day.
He was oblivious as to why I was upset and told me he thought it was because of how much I love the kids, and how much I do for them. That is not it at all, it’s that he told me he was going to get it done, then didn’t, and didn’t give me the time/opportunity to get it done myself.
I was hurt and sad.
He responded by telling me that ‘he didn’t meet my expectations’, also, they don’t need me to pay for one of the kids’ private school tuition going forward (I pay one, they pay one). And he’ll get back to me, ‘needs time’.
This feels like an extreme reaction, and that I am being punished for what I said.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting that dome assembled as promised. Your son was not thinking of his child or you when he failed to assemble it on time.
However, nothing to be gained in chastising him for his failure. Likely there is more going on here than just meeting your expectations with the dome which is why this incident morphed into his declining your continuing to pay for one of his children’s school tuition.
Sounds to me like maybe he harbors some resentment, valid or not, maybe for feeling inadequate in general in your eyes, or maybe feels sensitive to feeling directed by you, or both.
Your chastising him does smack a bit of this to me. I get your disappointment, of course, but don’t think I’d treat any of my adult children like that, even when I feel I’m in the right.
Hopefully, this dome will be in working order soon. Do what you can to peacefully help this happen. Going forward, this is what matters at the moment.
As for the rest of the backdrop, that might take some stepping back and working not to be critical and to not let things like this turn into a power struggle.
No one wins in such a situation.” Realistic_Head4279
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he has no right to tell you a handyman isn’t allowed to build it, YOU PAID FOR IT, he has no say over what happens to it, he’s said he would build it multiple times now and still hasn’t, and then overreacts and turns it back on you when he’s called out for breaking his promise.
I’d say just go over there and get it yourself and have a handyman build it and give it to your granddaughter yourself. Your son is incredibly ungrateful, you’re paying private school tuition for his child and he can’t do you this basic favor which is ultimately benefiting his daughter.” Alternative-Pea-4434
17. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Reading My Private Messages?
“Yesterday was my (36 F) wedding anniversary. My mom wanted to treat me and my husband so we went to a restaurant. My sister and her young son also joined in. We adults had a few drinks and were laughing and having lots of fun.
Then the topic started of how I was secretly seeing my husband before our marriage and how my mom found out.
She had told me that she saw changes in my behavior and suspected I was seeing someone. But yesterday she mentioned she read a love note I had written which she read. I don’t recall writing any love notes to my husband during our relationship period, we would majorly communicate on WhatsApp.
My husband started teasing my mom that she was reading my private messages and mom kept quiet and smiling. Initially, I thought they were just joking but it soon dawned on me that my mom really read my private messages. I felt very hurt betrayed and shocked. I was also irritated that my husband thought it was funny that my mom used to read my messages.
I didn’t find it funny at all, it upset me.
We had finished the dinner and paid the bill by then so I ended the evening and made a move to leave. I was upset with my mom for reading my private messages and with my husband for thinking it was funny.
My husband says I’m overreacting to something that happened years ago. My mom sent an apology message later. Now I feel like I ruined the fun for everyone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is really a shocker to find out that someone you trusted, your mum, has breached your trust this way.
It is equally shocking to learn that your husband gets a giggle out of this. Maybe he would find it funny to do also at some time in the future, or why not, he is doing it already? I know that I would have been very unsettled about finding these things out.
So much so that I wouldn’t care much if I happened to disturb the mood of the evening. I don’t think you were overreacting at all.” FragrantEconomist386
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s a major violation of trust. She didn’t just find something you carelessly left about, she went ‘looking through your phone’.
That’s a terrible violation of trust! I would be mad too. It brings everything into question. What else is she lying about? Does she still snoop through your phone or other things? Is she going through your stuff when you leave her alone in a room?
This needs to be addressed, one-on-one, and your husband needs to stay out of it. This is between you and your mum.” AlexisDanaan
16. AITJ For Refusing To Financially Support My Fiance For A Year?
“I (22 F) recently had a conversation with my partner (23 M) about our future financial plans.
He expressed he wanted to financially support his parents by sending them on trips to various countries and ensuring they are financially set. While I understand the importance of family support, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable.
My partner firmly believes that it’s his duty to support his parents in any way possible, especially considering the sacrifices they’ve made for him throughout his life.
He argues that they have spent a significant amount of money on their extended family and cousins, and now it’s time to prioritize his parents well being. They spent a lot of money on bringing his family members to Canada and helping them settle here.
However, I’m concerned about the financial strain this could put on us as a couple. His parents already have properties and a business, so I don’t feel like they need extra support. I feel that sending them on extravagant trips is excessive. I feel like his taking a year off to spend every paycheque on his parents is excessive.
I worry about our ability to save for our future together if a large portion of our income goes towards supporting his parents’ lifestyle.
My partner is upset with me because he feels that I’m being unsupportive and selfish. He believes that family should always come first, and my reaction makes him question my commitment to our relationship and our future together.
He thinks that I’m not understanding enough of his cultural values.
I can see where he’s coming from, and I don’t want to dismiss his feelings or undermine the importance of family support. However, I also want to ensure that we’re making responsible financial decisions that benefit both of us equally.
So, AITJ for feeling uncomfortable with my partner’s financial support plans for his parents?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They have properties and a business; they have been spending money on cousins and extended family? These people don’t need his support. They HAVE money. And those cousins and extended families can pay them back.
As for him, he doesn’t owe them for raising him. That was literally their job as parents. Support indicates they need money. Vacations all over the world is not support. Those are luxuries. I wonder where your partner is getting this idea that he HAS to give them all this money.
You’re looking at your future. You better work it out now. Finances are the #1 reason couples break up. ” FuzzyMom2005
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. These are valid concerns. I do understand helping parents but that is not the same as spending extravagant amounts on trips for them.
It does not sound financially responsible. Especially if you are engaged – shouldn’t you be saving for the wedding, a house, your future together? There are 2 red flags here – he made a decision and instead of discussing it with you he essentially made it without you and then called you unsupported and selfish for your very valid concerns.
Think about that for a second. If you did the same – want to spend a small fortune on tour parents going on big vacations and unilaterally made that decision, would you call him ‘selfish’ and ‘unsupportive’ if he did not just go along with it?
2nd flag – ‘He believes that family should always come first, and my reaction makes him question my commitment to our relationship and our future together.’ You are engaged to this man. The husband is supposed to put his wife and family first. You are not his ‘partner’ – you are his ‘fiancee.’ You are the one he is supposed to put first as his family and he is NOT doing that. This is so manipulative.
How do you even win in this scenario? How are you supposed to ever bring up your thoughts, your opinions, and your concerns with him as your husband if he cuts you down for having them? He has effectively shut down your voice and gaslighted you into looking like the bad guy if you have any opinion on matters that affect you both.
The line that you wrote that truly breaks my heart: ‘can see where he’s coming from, and I don’t want to dismiss his feelings or undermine the importance of family support.’ You mean everything he just did to you? If he wants to do this, absolutely.
But then keep your financials separate and keep it that way after marriage because I know this type – they may make more but they also spend more. He does not sound mature enough yet to understand what marriage looks like. It is give and take – not take and take, call yourself a hero while falling behind on your #1 priority – being a husband.
You are not his sacrifice there to make him look better. He has some choices to make. And you do too. This is not off to a good start. I hope you work it out, but I also hope you don’t get married until AFTER you work it out.
15. AITJ For Not Liking My Husband's Suggested Baby Name?
“My husband (38 M) and I (36 F) are expecting our first child, a bouncing baby girl due in a few months.
We were both over the moon when we found out the gender, but now things have gotten… complicated, to say the least.
See, when we first started talking about names, the ‘boy name’ was immediately decided: Stuart Jr., after my husband. No problem there, it’s a classic name and carries family meaning.
But, for a girl, things got murky.
My husband suggested Stuarta. No, you’re not having a stroke. His logic is that since Stuart ends in ‘t,’ we can just add an ‘a’ to make it feminine. I tried explaining why that doesn’t quite work, how it sounds more like a furniture brand than a human name, and how she’d be endlessly correcting people and explaining its origin.
He’s adamant though, and says it ‘honors’ him while giving our daughter a unique name.
I’ve suggested alternatives: feminine names that maybe share a similar sound or meaning to Stuart, names he’s mentioned liking in the past, or even just going back to the drawing board entirely.
But he’s fixated on Stuarta.
Now, I love my husband dearly, and I understand wanting to honor family. But I can’t imagine subjecting our daughter to a lifetime of awkward stares and endless questions about her ‘unusual’ name. I also worry about potential bullying and the impact it could have on her self-esteem.
So, am I the jerk for refusing to budge on Stuarta? Is there any compromise I haven’t considered? Help a soon-to-be mama out!”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! There is a HUGE difference between wanting to honor family names in a new child and being SO PIGHEADED AND SELFISH that you would saddle a child with a lifetime of ridicule just to get your name into theirs.
Suggest that your husband just change his name to a (bonus points if it sounds nonsensical) masculine version of YOUR favored name for your baby. Because if he isn’t willing to at least consider that then it’s just his egotistical selfishness that is talking.” pandora840
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That poor girl will be bullied and despise you guys if you name her ‘Stuarta’. Just give her a normal name, and if you have a boy in the future he can be Stuart. Or just give her an S name.
Or even better, maybe name her after yourself… I’m kinda weirded out by your husband’s need to have himself honored. That’s strange and lowkey narcissistic. This gives the vibe of the dude-bros who are so pressed about having their family name and ‘legacy’ live on while being the most average people on the planet.” Competitive_Fact6030
14. AITJ For Calling My Mom Out In Front Of Her Friends?
“I (M, 34) and my wife have three children (M 6, F 7, F 9) and both chose to reduce our working hours to have more time to spend with them, especially in their younger years. We’re financially stable enough to do this.
My parents live in the same county as us, about a 50-minute drive away so close by.
From the day my eldest daughter was born, my mom said that she wanted to help out with childcare.
We were grateful for the offer and wanted the kids to have a good relationship with their grandparents. However, we didn’t want to feel dependent on my parents for childcare and would rather them choose to see their grandchildren whenever they wanted. Instead, my parents asked me to look after the kids for one day a week, the same day every week.
A bit of background. My mom has always struggled with her self-esteem and this comes out as her being chronically scared of losing her family. In her mind, unless she has regular contact, we will drift apart. This has caused various problems over the years.
My mom always talks about how hard her life is and how much she has to deal with. She seems to feel good when other people sympathize with ‘how tough you have it.’ She has directed this a few times at us and the kids when she enjoys ‘complaining’ about how much of our childcare she provides to her friends.
When I’ve heard her do this, I’ve usually waited until after her friends have left before asking her if she wants to reduce her childcare. She always immediately refuses and says ‘No I love having the kids!’
Flash forward to a few weeks ago during the Christmas school holidays.
My mom called and asked if she could take the kids for 2 days back-to-back, as she wanted to have them for a sleepover and had planned some activities. We didn’t need her to take the kids for these days but were happy that she wanted to.
Plus the kids were excited about a sleepover.
When I went to pick the kids up, I stayed for coffee and her friend came over. Her friend commented the lines ‘You’ve had the kids again?!’ and my mom responded by sighing and saying ‘I know!’ I had had enough of this and called her out.
I said (in front of her friend) ‘Why do you always complain about having the kids when you are the one who asks for them and you are the one who decides how much time to spend with them?’
Things got awkward and my mom’s friend left. After she went, my mom called me a jerk for embarrassing her.
We got into a big argument with my trying to explain that every time she does this, it makes me and my wife look like entitled and ungrateful parents who take advantage of her when in reality we’ve always tried to make sure she sees the kids on her terms. I suggested that it might be a good idea for us to reduce the contact she has if childcare is apparently such a burden and she feels so ‘put upon.’
My dad called later and said my mom had been crying and wanted me to make up but I’m still so angry. I genuinely want to limit the time she sees my kids now.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s the one who made a jerk of herself by making herself out to be the victim of her friends.
You’re exactly right that she made you and your wife seem entitled and like you’re always dumping your kids off on her. Since this is her trend, maybe a bit of embarrassment for being called out in front of a friend will open her eyes.
Probably not a bad idea to limit the time a bit… but not too much as your children love her and the time they spend with her so you don’t want them to suffer because you’re angry with her.” Caspian4136
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your kids aren’t props for her ego trips.
You need to meet with your parents alone; and explain to them that until she apologizes for creating a hostile environment with her friends due to an erroneous exaggeration of the help she has provided (which may have harmed you and your wife’s reputations); the only interactions they will have with the grandkids will be when all of you are together.
You aren’t going to contact them, but they won’t have the kids alone. Because you don’t want your kids overhearing and thinking that you and your wife don’t want to be around them and are constantly sending them to your parents (which is a risk).
And make sure to schedule lunches on weekends, trips to the zoo, etc. show the effort to keep a relationship but one with the appropriate oversight until she gets her crap together.” Terra88draco
13. AITJ For Refusing To Go To The Office Because Of How I Dress?
“I (15 F) am in high school and got dress-coded by my teacher during history class. The dress code at my school is usually not so enforced. It was also a pretty hot day so I wore a pair of shorts.
The rule at my school is that our fingertips have to go past the length of our pants otherwise it’s out of the dress code.
Well, today, I got up to turn in an assignment and my teacher noticed that I was wearing shorts.
He told me to hold my arms down to my shorts and then basically announced to the whole class that my pants were too short. I don’t think anyone even noticed what I was wearing until he pointed it out. My fingers went past the hem of my pants by 3 centimeters.
It’s not like I had anything hanging out. The shorts were jean shorts that had no holes in them and were pretty modest as they went halfway down my thighs. There were at least 3 other guys in class wearing tank tops and sandals which were also against the rules but the teacher didn’t seem to notice.
He told me to go to the office and call my mom for a change of clothes.
This was at the beginning of class and we have a final coming up soon. Today was supposed to be a big review lesson and I didn’t want to miss it.
I’ve also never been sent to the office before so I was really upset. I just found it ironic that we were learning about gender biases yesterday, yet I was being removed from class for being a ‘distraction’ to the men in the room.
So I said no. I understood that I violated the dress code but seeing as it was the first time it happened, it didn’t seem fair to remove me from class during such an important lesson. It also felt objectifying to be shamed for my clothing choices.
The teacher and I had a bit of an argument that went on for a couple of minutes, and it delayed the class. The teacher and some of my classmates were mad that I didn’t just go to the office.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you’ll have better luck if you get your parents involved rather than fighting it yourself. Push the angle to your parents that you are upset that your education was interrupted over this, and you feel it is unfair and damaging. You could also potentially push how uncomfortable your teacher made you feel, by making you feel as though your bare skin was somehow ‘distracting’ to him and the boys.
Only push this angle if your parents don’t suck, though – otherwise stick with the safer ‘My education is being damaged’ angle.” Warm_Shallot_9345
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. I’m so mad on your behalf. What was the result, were you allowed to stay in class?
Are you facing further consequences? If you can do so without impacting your emotional health or academic success, this is worth escalating. Because we know this isn’t about your shorts. This is about power and antiquated, misogyny-fueled rules that teach young women they’re responsible for men’s thoughts and actions.
It’s about teaching women their clothing choices are more important than their actions, their intelligence, and their ability.” PrettyGoodRule
12. AITJ For Going To My Partner's Ex-Wife's Funeral?
“My partner’s (we’ll call him Liam) ex-wife (we’ll call her Lauren) and I are not fond of each other.
This is something she made an active effort to make clear and I did not but is an easy assumption to make.
We never officially met after Liam and I started going out but were aware of each other, they stayed friends after the divorce and had two kids together.
A few years into our relationship, they had a falling out (nothing to do with me) and stopped talking.
All that being said, Lauren passed away recently. Liam is of course having a hard time with it, she was the mother of two of his kids after all, and now his kids are devastated. It’s a lot of emotion to handle, and Liam and I are each other’s main source of emotional support.
When Liam told me about the wake there was no question that he would be going to support his kids, and I asked him if he wanted me to go with him. He immediately said yes and I thought nothing else of it. Of course, I would be there for him and his kids if that’s what he wanted.
So the day came everything was fine throughout the greetings and speeches, but shortly after the general mingling started, we hit a snag. I was standing off to the side of the room with my son, (Liam was migrating from his kids, to old in-laws, and back to me for short breaks,) when a woman I didn’t know came up and asked me ‘You’re Liam’s new wife, right?’
‘Partner, but yes.’
‘It’s inappropriate for you to be here, you know,’ she said. I was pretty taken aback. I didn’t even meet him until almost ten years after their divorce, and I wasn’t the cause of the situation between them that led them to stop talking.
All I could think to say was ‘Wakes are for the living. Lauren was the mother of Liam’s kids, he loved her enough to marry her and start a family with her. I’m sure some of those feelings never go away, and he’s here to support his children.
I’m here to support him.’
She gave me and my son this horrifically nasty look and said ‘You shouldn’t be. Neither of you should be. She wouldn’t want you here.’
This was a tense in-the-moment exchange, and my kneejerk response bounced from my knee to my mouth before I could think.
I just said ‘Well, sorry you feel that way. Excuse me,’ and I walked away towards Liam.
We got a few more side glances during the time there, but the rest was uneventful if also very uncomfortable. After we got home I relaxed enough to think it through, and I don’t know if I should feel like the jerk for going.
Liam had a really tough time and I know my being there helped him get through it. If anyone said anything to him he hasn’t told me. I get that woman’s perspective. She’s right in that Lauren probably wouldn’t have wanted me there, but AITJ for going anyway?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The deceased didn’t like you and made it known. You admit she wouldn’t have wanted you there. You made others there uncomfortable. You got multiple glances and generated drama. You’re not even married to Liam. Liam, the ex the deceased wasn’t even on speaking terms with, thought it was appropriate to bring his partner to his ex-wife’s, and mother of his children’s, wake/funeral. You say you just wanted to be there for him, but come on, you had to know how this would look.
You don’t say how old the kids are, but you do mention you didn’t start seeing him until 10 years after the divorce, so these are at least teens or adults. He has them for comfort and vice versa, you were just unnecessary added drama.” TurtleScientific
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You are right. A wake is an important step in the grieving process of the loved ones and friends left behind. You are not one of those people. I understand that you had good intentions, but your presence at the wake was met with comments and side glances from people.
You distracted them from grieving, especially a person who died way before their time should have come. Your partner would have been fine to visit the wake on his own and you could have offered him emotional support before and after the event in person.
In my opinion, you were a distraction at the wake and probably a lot more people would have talked to you if the occasion wasn’t so sad.” Villain-in-Training
Another User Comments:
“Your intentions may have been good, but it wasn’t appropriate for you to be there.
Liam is an adult and can handle going to a wake for a few hours without having your support. You had a contentious, at best, relationship with his ex and never met her, I’m sure people felt like Liam was bringing a woman to his ex’s funeral. It was distracting and made things uncomfortable for everyone and I truly can’t understand why you’d bring your child along with you.
YTJ for not thinking it through.” Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
11. AITJ For Telling My Wife To Stop Gushing Over A Tesla She Was Getting?
“My (M 42) wife (44 F) just told me she is buying a new car and that we will need to drive over 4 hours round trip for her to pick it up in the color she wants.
There was a discussion about trying to arrange for the car to be transported to us for around (~$1000 so, no) 20 minutes, but the car announcement was basically hinted at the day prior with her asking if my new job offer was secure as there was a car that had a good deal on it.
While I had concerns that I don’t think she needs a new car and that it’s probably not the time to get one I have not voiced any of this to her. I have also not expressed any congratulations or sentiment other than logistics of how far the pickup is and when we will be free (around 20 minutes).
To reiterate nothing negative only logistical.
I asked her what car she was getting and she told me it was a Tesla. Then she starts gushing about it for about 5 minutes.
Here is where I am asking if I was a jerk.
A few months prior when she had first expressed a desire in wanting to get a Tesla I had told her not to get one in regards to their build problems (not mentioning that I also did not respect Elon).
When she asked me to elaborate I Googled and showed her. To clarify, ‘told her not to get’ as in ‘you shouldn’t get that’ not ‘you cannot get one I forbid it’. This was not an argument or protracted discussion. Took maybe 40 minutes all told and she did not say anything in agreement with me at the end so I figured this was just a conversation not a settled decision.
I asked her to stop talking to me about the car and reminded her I said not to get a Tesla prior, and I didn’t want to hear her talking about it. I did not say anything else in support or conflict with her decision.”
Another User Comments:
“As a Tesla owner who also doesn’t respect Elon, YTJ. The cars are actually pretty great and I just charged mine the equivalent of 1/4 of a tank for $3.10. You seriously save money on energy. You’re killing her fun and joy for the car because she didn’t do what you said.
Maybe you didn’t demand or forbid her from getting the car but it still seems like that’s the expectation you had and you’re upset she didn’t listen to you. I get your hesitation but dude, she’s dead set. Be happy for her, let go of your anger.
Don’t be a killjoy.” goldenfingernails
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You did not voice your concerns about her buying a new car and now, because you did not honor your own boundaries, you are taking it out on her in petty annoyance because she didn’t pick a car you liked. But even if she did, I can almost guarantee you would find something else to be annoyed about — because it’s the fact that she is buying a car at all that bothers you.
And maybe it should. Who knows? That is part of a bigger discussion between the two of you. Man up and have the hard conversation instead of pouting because your mansplainy rant from a few months ago didn’t manage to convince her not to want the car she wants.” herlipssaidno
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To Therapy With My Dad And His Wife?
“My sister died a few months ago and life has been rough since. We were close and I miss her like crazy. I (15 m) hate knowing she’s going to miss the rest of her life. She was only 17 and it was sudden that she became so sick so it was all really fast and unexpected. But the fallout has been crappy as well and that’s what all of this is about.
When my sister heard she was dying and when she was in the hospital, she refused to let Dad’s wife come see her. Our dad had an affair with his wife. That was 10 years ago. We knew about it and never really forgave him or accepted her.
So when she was dying she didn’t want her there at all. But was willing to have Dad there because despite everything she does love him. Dad pleaded to let his wife in and his wife cried a lot that she didn’t get to see her and say goodbye.
When my sister was gone it was even tougher because they looked to me to be closer to them after that but it made me less close and I don’t want his wife anywhere near me. I don’t care about her hurt or heartache. She’s not important to me.
And Dad annoyed me more because he dumped a lot on me the first few weeks after.
They want us to do family therapy and I was like no way. My dad told me it was important to pull together as a family in the aftermath of a death and hurt like that.
I told him then it would be him, Mom, and me, not him, his wife, and me. This made her cry and my dad got emotional about it too. He told me it tore him apart to know my sister spent her final days with so much hate about the past and holding such a big grudge that she refused to let his wife in.
He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.
I told him I don’t want him dumping more on me and I don’t want to hear about their experiences after this. I told him I heard enough of his when we first lost my sister.
Dad told me I was being stubborn for no reason and hurtful. He told me I had no problem going to the therapist my mom sent me to after my sister died. I told him I talk to the therapist alone and that makes it different.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m so sorry for your loss, friend. NTJ. I feel like your father and his wife had 10 years to try family therapy following the separation/divorce, but they didn’t seem to take care of that then. It’s a bit too little too late.
‘He told me she also said some stuff to him and he wanted to talk about it in therapy with us there.’ Sorry, but your dad needs to deal with his crap. Dumping this stuff on you is uncalled for. You are not here to support HIS therapy.
Or that of his wife, for that matter. Any discussion to start therapy should be YOU-centric. You’re the minor here, you’re the one whose needs should take priority. If the adults want therapy for their issues with the situation, they can do it solo. or as a couple.” ladyteruki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m so so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and are going through. I can’t believe your dad pleaded with his dying daughter in the hospital over wanting his wife to be allowed to see her and ‘say goodbye’ when he knew perfectly well she didn’t want her there.
Quality time with his daughter and not hurting or stressing her out should have been his chief concern, not his wife’s feelings about ANYthing. He’s got his priorities wrong. To presume she needs to be involved in family grief therapy is also a major misstep.
She wasn’t seen as family by your sister, nor you. Tell him you will go alone as you continue to do, as you need the help during this time, as well as to navigate life having a clueless jerk for a father… sorry.” dart1126
9. AITJ For Refusing To Buy Our Family Heirloom Ring Back From My Ex-Fiancee?
“So I (m 23) recently got out of a relationship with my ex-fiancée ‘Mara’ (f 23). We were together for 3 years and engaged for 4 months. I called off the engagement and eventually broke up with Mara due to her having an affair and lying about various things unrelated to the infidelity.
I think people deserve second chances but my final straw was when I found out she had been having an affair with her stepbrother and I knew I had to walk away.
In a nutshell, the break-up was very volatile. There was lots of arguing and her trying to bargain with me and I asked her to leave my apartment.
My family was very disappointed when they found out. My parents wanted me to marry Mara. When we first started going out, my mom gave me a family heirloom ring to propose to Mara. Its value is sentimental, it’s not made of any particularly expensive materials like gold or diamond.
My mom is now asking for the ring back but I never got it back off of Mara. Once things had cooled off I did ask Mara for the ring. She asked why she should give it back, hinting that she wanted payment. I offered her $40 and she demanded $300 plus my laptop and PS5, and threatened to pawn the ring.
I called her bluff and said she was getting $40 or nothing. She said ‘Have it your way’ and shut the door in my face, and said she was pawning it.
I explained the situation to my mom. My mom was very angry that I didn’t immediately pay Mara to get it back by any means necessary and asked if my laptop and PlayStation were more important than a family heirloom.
I told her that Mara probably wouldn’t have given it back anyway and likely already lost or pawned it. She demanded that I contact my ex immediately and offer her what she wanted.
I told her no and that I’m not doing it on principle.
This caused an argument between me and my mom and she thinks I am being a bad son. Am I the jerk for refusing to buy the ring back?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Start calling local pawnshops with a description of the ring, a brief explanation of the story, and a contact number for you in case they see it come in.
Most pawnshop owners/workers are more than done with people trying to sell stolen or ‘stolen’ goods to them, and will probably be understanding. ” ClRQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I can almost guarantee that the ring is gone already and that this is just her way of getting even for dumping her.
If you give her what she asked for, she’d not only refuse to give the ring back but she’d also probably pawn or trash your laptop and PS5. Frankly, from the way she’s acted, I wouldn’t even be surprised if she just smashed your stuff right in front of you the second it was in her hands.
I would not trust anything she says from this point onwards. File a lawsuit and force her to return it.” Jason_Wolfe
8. AITJ For Not Getting My Stepdaughter A Birthday Gift?
“I (F 40) got married to my ex-husband, James (M 43), three years ago. He had a daughter, Annabel (F 13), from a previous marriage.
For background purposes, Annabel has next to no contact with her bio mother. She left when Annabel was two, and apart from the occasional birthday card, there’s no contact there.
I’ve known Annabel since she was nine, and we had a good relationship, especially in the absence of a maternal figure in her life. I never had children of my own and never intended to, but was surprised that I was fine with being in a relationship with someone with a child.
James, Annabel, and I lived together for four years in what you could consider the ‘normal’ nuclear family. However, my relationship with James just got more and more strained. We were constantly arguing and bickering about really pointless things and the atmosphere in the house was sour.
Annabel could tell and she became more withdrawn. Eventually, I told James I was leaving because I wasn’t happy in the house or the relationship. He was livid, swearing and shouting, saying that he didn’t want to see me again. I left and went to live with my sister until I found somewhere of my own.
This happened about three months ago, and I haven’t had any contact with James since then, other than to collect some things from the house. I asked how Annabel was, and he said she was fine but didn’t really expand upon that.
However, last week, I received an angry call from James saying how selfish and immature I’d been by not getting Annabel a birthday present.
I knew it was her birthday but decided not to and haven’t tried to maintain a relationship with her because of the tension with James. James said how upset she was and that he couldn’t believe I put relationship issues over a 13-year-old girl, who I knew didn’t have a mother.
I told him he was being ridiculous and that if he wanted to cut me out of his life completely, that included his daughter.
He said I was a jerk and a small gift or card would have meant the world to Annabel, before hanging up the phone.
I sent Annabel a happy birthday text (the day after her birthday as the call was late), but she hasn’t responded.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’d encourage you to do a couple of things if you are open to still being in Annabel’s life.
Text her again and ask if she’d still like a relationship with you and if so, what did she have in mind? If you like her answer, ask if is she comfortable approaching her dad for permission to see you… If none of that works out, consider telling her that when she is a legal adult and free to make decisions without her dad’s permission, you’d love to see her and spend time with her.” WantToBelieveInMagic
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You’re not wrong to leave the relationship. I’m not faulting you for that at all. But Annabel didn’t do anything to you. You’ve been a mother figure to her for 4 years. You left 3 months ago. I understand that you haven’t had contact, but look at this from her perspective – she’s a child who was abandoned by her mother, had a good relationship with you, and is now suddenly abandoned again.
You don’t sound like you care about her at all. You’re even putting ‘stepdaughter’ in quotations. I’m not saying you have to stay in her life. And I’m not even saying your ex was right to call and chew you out for not giving her a present.
But you’re an adult – you understand that your relationship and separation affect more than just you, right?
If the only time you’ve even attempted to reach out to her was a happy birthday text AFTER she was already upset and her dad called you about it, don’t pretend you care about her.” sfzen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I know it sucks for you as well as her that you couldn’t be around her.
‘He was livid, swearing and shouting, saying that he didn’t want to see me again.’ He got what he wanted, just because he’s an idiot with no foresight in how his actions and words have consequences doesn’t make it your fault.
It was a toxic relationship, that his girl was a victim in. Y’all didn’t need to be fighting around here and you removed yourself from that for hers and your sake. The fact that his response to this is to keep spreading out more toxins is telling; because if he genuinely cared about her well-being you wouldn’t call up the person and tear them a new tail hole.
You ask them if they’d be okay with coming around and helping the kid understand what happened. That you find a way to do better.” Electronic_Goose3894
7. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For The Things My Son Destroyed?
“I (36 F) have a 2.5-year-old son.
He is energetic and curious like every child is supposed to be. Meltdowns are age appropriate but he usually doesn’t do that unless he misses sleep, gets sick, or something like that. I make sure to let him release his energy in playgrounds etc.. every day so he won’t climb furniture.
LOL.
Our parenting style is similar to that British show called Supernanny. By that I mean, for example, If you don’t eat your vegetables, you won’t get any desserts. No matter how much you cry, it won’t change that. Or 19:30 is the sleep time after our nighttime routine.
Unless there is an extreme case, %99 of the time he will be in his bed, trying not to be in bed to have more fun. We do a little dance where he comes back to me and I put him in his bed again and again.
Rules are the rules.
My MIL (58 F) lives far away from us and invited us to her home so she can see her grandson face to face instead of everyday FaceTiming. Her home is filled with nicknacks etc…I mean, it is not ideal to have my toddler live in there for a week, but with our parenting style, if we say no, it means no, so we thought it would be manageable with my 24/7 supervision.
What we didn’t calculate was my MIL’s character. She is not a recovering people pleaser. She is a proud people pleaser. She thinks she is like Mother Theresa, but it is one of my husband’s traumas that he had to act extra aggressively to people to protect his mother from the people using her.
She started giving my son chocolate cake behind my back because he refused to eat his proper meal and I was like ‘he will eat when he is hungry’. She couldn’t imagine a toddler being left hungry by his mother. and since he is refusing the meal, he has to eat something, right?
Whenever my son has meltdowns for the things that I wouldn’t let him do, she saves him from his despot mom and does the thing with him… because she couldn’t bear watching him cry like it is the end of the world.
Thanks to her weeklong actions, now my son thinks my MIL overrides my rules.
If he cries enough he can get what he wants. So now, he doesn’t stop crying for a long time, since eventually, his angel of a gramma will save him.
Today I woke up with flu, and my MIL volunteered to babysit him. After a few hours, she came to my room asking for me to pay for her kitchen cabinets.
He was hitting a ladle on the cabinet doors and made a lot of dents on the paint. I was like, ‘Where were you when it happened?’ She was right there, she wouldn’t leave him alone of course. ‘Why didn’t you take the ladle from his hands?’ Well, he didn’t let her.
After a meaningless back and forth with similar questions & I already had a headache from my sinus. I just went back to sleep saying ‘No I won’t pay, and it seems like you need to discipline your grandson and be the bad guy for the first time’.
Now she is crying in her room. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son didn’t ‘let’ his grandma take the ladle back? Assuming your MIL has perfectly functional hands, she should’ve easily been able to take a ladle from a toddler. Normally, I would say that parents are responsible for anything their child breaks, but it sounds like Grandma didn’t want to discipline your son under any circumstances but has no reservations about making it your problem.
And if your MIL were better about enforcing rules and boundaries in the first place, your son probably wouldn’t have been able to get ahold of the ladle and use it to hit the kitchen cabinets hard enough to cause noticeable cosmetic damage.
Sadly, it sounds like these kinds of problems will persist unless you set hard ground rules with your MIL.
It’ll take a while to get your son to stop associating his grandma with laxity in the rules, and he’ll keep pitting the two of you against each other.” sopranna23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – notice how she has no trouble being the bad guy to you?
Yeah, she’s not the pushover she wants everyone to believe she is. This is selective and a form of manipulation. And why didn’t she speak to her son but instead came to you as you were feeling ill? Because she’s manipulative and has no problem being a jerk to you.
This whole people-pleaser thing is an act. She used it to make her son prove his love for her by becoming her protector, i.e. manipulating her son to show again and again how much he loved her by protecting her from other people while making herself out to be the good guy.
And she’s doing it again now, acting like she’s some victim here when she took no responsibility as an adult for parenting your son as she should have.
Be very careful. She sounds extremely manipulative and may still have an extremely strong hold over your husband who does not see through her.
She is deliberately messing with you, overriding your authority, and trying to turn your son against you. This is about control and manipulation. PLEASE get yourself out of there and speak to your husband about how she’s turning your son against you and acting like she isn’t a responsible adult while she has no problem coming to you sick and asking for money when she was responsible for that damage.
I’d refuse too.
NTJ but please get out of there and limit contact as you can. Your husband needs therapy to learn to deal with her and learn to stop taking responsibility for her actions when all she’s doing is playing helpless to make herself the good guy and garner sympathy.” GraceOfTheNorth
6. AITJ For Clapping Back At My Stepsister After She Commented On My Weight?
“I (F 22) lost 90 lbs of weight. Last week, my partner and I visited my parents for dinner. I don’t normally visit because it’s a 3-hour drive. So, it’s a once or twice-a-year thing. The first thing people complimented was my weight. My mom, who knew of me trying to manage my prediabetes, congratulated me on lowering my A1C to normal and keeping it there.
Meanwhile, my step-sister (40 f), said I looked so much better now. I said I didn’t want to talk about how I looked. I helped my mom cook while my stepsister, her son, and his partner and stepdad. My partner was taking a nap due to waking up early to drive.
She would occasionally walk in to ‘check-in’ and would start again with how I look. With comments such as, ‘See losing weight was the best. Bet guys are talking to you more.’ Or ‘You used to have wider shoulders, now it’s skinnier. It looks good.’ Every time I just grew more and more uncomfortable.
My mom tried to tell her off but I just stopped her to avoid drama.
Dinner happened, and we all sat down. I was eating a flan (which is sweet and caloric, but not bad to eat very occasionally). My stepsister made a face when she tried to try it, and commented that ‘I should watch my weight.’
This was the tipping point. I told her that I’ve asked multiple times not to talk about how I look. And asked how would you like it if I kept mentioning your appearance. She said she wouldn’t mind, so I said, ‘Did you get a lot of compliments on your fake melons?
It’s great that you got bigger ones, your real ones were too small.’
My stepdad is furious because 1) she’s broke and can barely pay her bills but spent money on surgery 2) that dinner was ruined and an argument happened.
After that, my partner and I just left. Said goodbye to my mom and headed out.
My mom said to me that we were not inviting my stepsister for dinner. My stepsister is spreading rumors about how much ‘a jerk she is,’ and ‘egotistical just because she’s not fat anymore’ on social media and the small town they live in.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is vile. Probably jealous and told herself her aging was ok because she is thin but now she can’t cope with how time works. Clearly determined to upset you, probably hoped to make your partner jealous and cause issues by mentioning you getting more attention now, and when it didn’t work, as a last resort was openly mean rather than hiding in a ‘compliment’.
Unless he’s giving her money weird her dad is mad about how she spent it but still not your problem.” Scandalicing
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. ‘Watch your weight?’ You just lost 90 pounds! Does she think that just magically disappeared? You worked hard to get that weight off and improve your health.
What the heck was she harping on your appearance for? No other topic of conversation occurred to her? She kept at you like a barking dog until you had finally had enough. She assured you that she could take comments about her own appearance and deserved the response you gave her.
You are definitely NTJ!” deannainwa
5. AITJ For Excluding My Sister-In-Law From Our Road Trip?
“I invited my sister and mother on a girls’ road trip but excluded my SIL due to her not driving. I have three brothers and my oldest brother is the only one that is married. Let’s call my SIL Jenny.
Jenny is overall fine, we don’t have much in common but she hasn’t given anyone any problems. Jenny doesn’t drive due to her anxiety this was explained to us by our brother before we met her and to be kind. Just being in the car makes her jittery
She gets really anxious easily and has stepped out of events before, this hasn’t been an issue. Usually, she will just leave with my brother, calm down, and come back to the event. We only had one case of another family member needing to pick her up since she couldn’t drive.
I wanted to go on a road trip across the USA, it’s a ton of driving even if we are only hitting one of the coasts. This means a lot of driving and stuck in the car. We made a driving schedule to make it easier so not one person is driving all the time.
Due to all these factors, we didn’t invite Jenny, she can’t help driving and we don’t want to be in a car with someone who is stressed/anxious for hours on end.
In the big group chat, I sent out a text that I wouldn’t be able to go to a family event due to the trip.
I get a call from my brother and he asked why his wife wasn’t invited and I explained the above reason. He told her and now both of them are mad at me.
AITJ? My mom/sister thinks this is stupid and their words not going to invite someone who clearly would be miserable stuck in a car.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get that SIL is upset about feeling left out, but she needs to be realistic.
First, your relationship with her is different than it is with your mother and sister. That’s not a negative towards SIL, just a fact.
Second, as you mentioned, she doesn’t drive and is obviously uncomfortable in cars.
A road trip is NOT the place for her.
Third, space inside the car is at a premium on a road trip – an extra person plus luggage is a HUGE change.
Fourth, even if we ignore everything above, there’s nothing wrong with not inviting someone on a trip.
Sometimes other people do things without us, that’s a fact of life. I will say this seems more like a brother issue than a SIL issue though – SIL probably wouldn’t have as much of an issue if brother didn’t stick his nose where it didn’t belong.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If Jenny is that aware of her issues, which it sounds like she is based on the history of her ducking out/passing up plans, then she’s upset over the lack of invitation and not the plans themselves. You could have reached out to her or your brother privately to see if there was any interest (even if it’s just them flying out to one of your destination spots to meet you there).
That said, she and her husband need to be more realistic about her limitations. It wouldn’t be fair for those going on the trip to have to cater to her needs, and it would be VERY difficult for her to duck out mid-trip.” canipayinpuns
4. AITJ For Snapping At My Brother's Ex After She Said I Was Lucky I Got A Good Job?
“My brother married Mia in Vegas. Their marriage wasn’t planned and was a mistake according to my brother. It lasted a year and they divorced. Overall easy divorce since they both agreed to go their separate ways but she was pregnant during the divorce.
This was years ago and my nephew is 11. He lives with his dad more often than not since SIL is struggling financially.
She works as a waitress and has an apartment in a bad area. Nephew stays with dad since he owns a home in a good area and they have a nice school.
Personally, I’m not a huge fan of her since all she does is complain about being poor. We all accommodate and give extra so she can go to family outings. She also does nothing to help herself, she could have gone to trade or community college and looked for better jobs but she has been a waitress at the same restaurant for ten years.
In all, I am overhearing it. She was going on yesterday about how broke she is and how lucky I am that I got a good job. She made it seem like I didn’t work for my job and the gods dropped it in my hand.
I had enough and told her the only reason I have money and she doesn’t is due to putting in work that she could bother to do.
She got mad, called me a jerk, and left. Brother is a little annoyed with me also.”
Another User Comments:
“What you did was not a good idea. This is someone your brother is trying to co-parent with. If you can’t handle talking to her, then walk away.
I’m going to say YTJ here just because you are making your brother’s life harder because your ego got a little bruised. Creating a less welcoming environment for your nephew to have both his mom and dad around is not worth it.
Maybe you should talk to waitresses about how to handle unpleasant people in a more professional way.” Throwra98787564
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. She’s obviously one because complaining constantly to the family that’s subsidizing her lifestyle about having no money is classless.
She was probably trying to guilt you for more, to be honest. You’re one because all success is hard work and luck. You’re you have the mental and physical capacity to do what you do, you’re lucky no unpreventable tragedy hasn’t robbed you of your life or capacity to keep working, you’re lucky you were educated in a way that worked for you, you’re lucky you’re doing what you do it in a time and place that values your work and compensated you accordingly.
Obviously, you put forth plenty of intelligently applied effort to get you where you are, but acknowledging that you’re also lucky takes nothing away from that.” Mbt_Omega
3. AITJ For Commenting About The Fart I Was Smelling?
“Basically two weeks ago, I (17 m) was sitting in class. My friend was to my left, and a girl who sat behind me.
Throughout the class, I kept getting whiffs of someone farting. Initially, I put it off because I assumed it would stop.
It then got to a point where it kept happening every 1-2 minutes. We were towards the end of the lecture. I then whispered to my friend ‘Who keeps farting?
This is making me crazy, I can’t focus’, and he started laughing. Unfortunately, the girl behind me heard it, and immediately the girl behind me started crying. The entire class is now looking towards us because they saw us laughing, followed by her crying.
The teacher looked, and she left the class.
The teacher went outside to ask what happened, and he came back in two minutes later and said ‘(name of my friend) and (me), come talk to me before lunch’.
He then called both of us after class and asked about the situation.
I explained that I kept getting a bad smell so I whispered to (name of my friend). He then said that she got very embarrassed and should apologize to her the next time I saw her. The next day in class, both my friend and I told her we were not making fun of her and did not mean to offend her.
She didn’t end up saying anything.
This was a few days before break, and the situation was reported to the dean. The dean said he would speak to us after the break. None of us know if there will be consequences or not.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I don’t think the punishment is necessary though. You just need to admit you learned a valuable lesson that you should keep those thoughts to yourself. You never know what’s going on with those around you. It was a harmless joke when you said it, but I think you learned that it actually ended up a little harmful regardless of the intention.
Sure she was farting, but no one DESERVES to be embarrassed. Live and learn kid.” Filing_chapter11
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. What were you hoping to accomplish by saying that? If you could smell it, you knew it was someone near you, meaning there’s a good chance they would overhear you.
Plus, if it kept happening, it’s obviously not something they could control or stop. I know you didn’t mean to cause her harm or embarrass her, but you did. She was probably already mortified and likely not feeling well, so hearing your comment was the final straw, which is likely why she cried. That said, you did the right thing by apologizing, so escalating it to the dean seems extreme since it was not targeted bullying, just a thoughtless comment.” KieselguhrKid13
2. AITJ For Calling My Sister A Jealous Hag?
“My husband and I do Easter baskets for one another, and this year he gave me mine early since I’ll be gone. In the basket was the usual, dark chocolate bunny, Starburst jelly beans, and then some Swiftie stuff from Etsy, a fidget toy, and surprisingly he got me three full bottles of perfumes that were on my wish list. Hundred Silent Ways, Bianco Latte, and Oriana.
I was shocked bc that’s a BIG spend. I was over the moon and took a pic and posted it to Insta Stories.
The next day, my sister came over. I’d left my basket on the table and she poked over it and took some jelly beans and then made a comment asking me if my husband had stepped out on me or something and was trying to make it up to me.
I was like… no? Of course not. Why would she say that?
She asked why he’d go ‘all out’ like this then, and how it must be nice to have all this extra money to spend when everyone around us is struggling. Oh, it must be nice to have such a picture-perfect marriage.
I was really taken aback and asked her what her issue was.
She was like ‘Most women I know can’t even get their husbands to fill a Christmas stocking for them and you’re out here bragging about yours and shoving it in everyone’s faces.’ She said she was lucky if she got a card for her birthday.
I told her to stop blaming me because SHE chose to marry a thoughtless man. That she had the CHOICE to marry someone who did nice things for her, and she CHOSE to marry a man who doesn’t help around the house, buy her flowers, etc. And to not be a jealous hag because she chose to settle for less.
This set her off and she started arguing with me more, telling me that I’m messed up for calling her a jealous hag when there’s nothing to be jealous of, more like embarrassed that it’s 2024 and I’m acting like life is a romcom, that the fact that I even listen to Taylor Swift is proof that I need to grow up.
I told her to just get out and doubled down on her being a jealous hag.
Now that I’m on the other side of the country for work, I feel like maybe I was over the top in calling her a jealous hag. ‘You’re just jealous’ is the most annoying comeback in the world and I used it on my own sister.
She also typically texts me throughout her day and she hasn’t sent me anything since then, which means she is definitely still mad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for calling her out on her jealousy, as she was the one who made an issue where one didn’t exist, and then attacked you by trying to say that your taste in music made you immature.
Different people have different budgets, and therefore different lifestyles. That’s just the way things are.
Where you were kind of a jerk is when you commented on her relationship with her husband. Is the guy truly thoughtless, or did you just irrationally lash out because your sister was being aggressive?
If she and her husband can’t afford as lavish as gifts, that doesn’t mean that what they do get is any less meaningful.” Taru-Shinkicker
Another User Comments:
“Torn between NTJ and ‘everyone sucks here’. Her jealousy is her issue. Her accusing your husband of having an affair and trying to make it up to you is spectacularly trashy.
She chose her husband, and if he doesn’t do nice things for her, that is her problem to fix. You calling her a jealous hag wasn’t the nicest thing to say, but let’s be honest, she was being a jealous hag. Trying to mess up someone else’s good mood is being a jerk, especially when you are not the source of her problems. Are all the good husbands in the world supposed to stop doing nice things for their wives because they married a jerk?
Going to go with NTJ.” New-Comment2668
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister was being outright jealous and petty, without a doubt. And, of course, there’s nothing wrong with you being happy and sharing your joy with your husband. She has no right to suggest you have to keep your happiness to yourself.
But it also doesn’t take much to see that she’s struggling and venting, even in a jerk-ish way. Calling her a jealous hag (which is always a jerk move, no matter how you cut it) and making comments about her settling is when you lose the high ground.
Her struggles are not your responsibility, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be sympathetic and not twist the knife further by name-calling and mocking her life choices. You let your defensiveness get the better of you and sunk to her level.” BeeeeDeeee
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Babysit During Family Vacation?
“I am the oops kid in my family. I am ten years younger than my youngest sibling. My brothers, sister, and parents used me as an unpaid babysitter a lot when I was growing up so I could ‘bond’ with my nieces and nephews.
Whenever a family vacation rolls around my folks and my siblings go have fun and leave me with all the kids since I can’t go to some of the places they go or I am told that I ‘probably wouldn’t be interested’ in doing some of the stuff they do.
I made up my mind over Christmas that I was done doing the babysitting. So I am going along with all the planning. I am helping my folks research some great local restaurants in the city where we are going. I’m helping my siblings find cool and interesting things for all the kids to do.
It will be an amazing holiday.
Which I am going to blow off.
I am going to university out of state in the fall. I have a partial scholarship and money from my grandparents for my education and my future. My parents cannot hold anything over my head.
I am going to go on vacation with a couple of friends.
My parents are not abusive or anything. They are just old. And my siblings are from a different generation than I am. My oldest brother is old enough to be my father. They treat me more like a child than a sibling.
I am interested to see how their vacation goes without me. I cannot help them preplan child care. And the reservations at some of the restaurants do not include me or the kids. Also the days they are having adult outings they have planned for the kids and me to be elsewhere.
My oldest niece is only 15 so I don’t think they will leave her in charge. But they have been grooming her to take my spot when I go to school so maybe they will screw her over. Not really my problem.
A couple of things before I hand myself over for judgment.
I have been clear several times in the past that I do not want to babysit. I have asked for payment and been told that my being on vacation is my payment.
I do love my family but I don’t like them much. Like I said my parents are old and if they weren’t Catholic they probably wouldn’t have had me.
My siblings do not treat me as an equal. Which is fair. I’m 17 and just finishing high school. They are all working professionals. We do not have much in common.
I love my siblings but they do not treat me like an aunt like they do with my sister.
I am more like the oldest cousin.
And lastly, I have spent a long time thinking about this. I am okay with screwing them all over. We went on a family trip to Spain last summer and I didn’t get to do anything I wanted to do, besides go to the beach, because I was watching the kids.
So I missed out on the Guggenheim in Bilbao and the Prado in Madrid. Along with other things. That was the last straw.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – OP made clear they don’t get to do any activities as they’re forced to babysit the whole time.
Whereas everyone else – including the younger children – gets the good time facilitated by OP. The only one who does not get an actual vacation is OP. Sounds like OP will be legally an adult and able to make their own decisions before the trip rolls around.
Normally I would say they should be transparent and not string the family along, but that will make their life at home miserable so I can see how it isn’t an option until they hit 18.” throwaway-ray ray
Another User Comments:
“This is hard. Your family has been acting like jerks and am sorry you have put up with that.
I have nieces and nephews ranging from 6 to 30 and we have never on family holidays made them responsible for younger cousins (parents or grandparents have always rotated responsibility to allow for adult-only activities). It’s all the more egregious in your case as you are their sibling.
To avoid a family rift though I think you should tell them in advance that you’re not going and restate the reasons why. They can still make changes to plans. It might make them also realize that placing responsibility on the 15-year-old will result in her feeling the same.
Soft ‘everyone sucks here’.” AdNew6755
