People Hope To Get Answers To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Questions
20. AITJ For Being Upset When My Family Didn't Give My Kids Christmas Gifts?
“I married into a wealthy family. My family is lower middle class so it was quite a change.
I have two kids (6f and 4m) that get more or less anything they want.
But they aren’t spoiled.
Anyways, we decided to spend Christmas with my family and the day before Christmas Day (since my dad worked the actual day), my mom calls all the kids to the tree for presents and did her usual ‘you guys were so good and that’s why Santa gave you all these things’ speech.
After that, all of them quickly found theirs but my two kids kept searching and couldn’t find anything. My son was on the verge of tears and my daughter was quiet after the tree was cleared and they were left with nothing.
I asked my mom what was going on and my mom looked at me then at my kids and went ‘Oops! I thought you knew. We all decided that we weren’t buying them Christmas gifts.’
I asked her why and she said that they get more than they need from me and my in-laws and that they all collectively decided to spend more on those that need it.
She looked at my son who had tears running down his face and said ‘See, look at how spoiled he is, this is good for them.’
She then walked away. I quietly went back to the guest room and packed our things.
I then called my husband who had offered to go grab my mom something from Walmart and told him to leave the stuff and come pick us up.
We then left quietly after I let my dad know. He was disappointed but said he understood.
We managed to cheer the kids up and visited my in-laws instead. A while later I got a call from my mother.
She kept asking me why I disappeared like that and said that she was waiting for the stuff my husband was bringing from Walmart.
I told her VERY POLITELY that I didn’t like what she did to my children and that she or literally anyone else could’ve AT LEAST told me. My mom said I was acting very entitled for someone who goes on multiple vacations a year.
She then brought up my son crying again. I got mad and told her that the reason he cried is because of her stupid speech about only good kids getting presents. My mom then randomly said that maybe he isn’t a good kid if he cried like that over not getting toys.
We argued back and forth over this but then I ended up saying that she’s very lucky I didn’t snatch back the gifts I bought for my nieces/nephew. My mom just said ‘The entitlement!’ before hanging up.
My sister texted me the same thing and my other sister said that I’m playing the victim when the real victims are them and their kids. My mom sent a similar text as well. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Your mom made a big show to all the kids about Santa bringing presents because they were so good, all while knowing some kids didn’t have anything under the tree because she intentionally left them out?
And she thinks it’s ‘good for them.’
Look, it might be one thing to maybe spend money differently on grandkids who have a lot of versus grandkids who need a lot, but your mom was actively out to punish your kids simply because they come from a wealthier background.
That’s just gross. NTJ.” CanterCircles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. God, no! The kid ain’t crying because he didn’t get a toy he’s crying because he wasn’t good enough. And kids that age try extra hard (okay, for like 3 days) before Christmas just to make sure of that!
And yet? Not enough. This is putting a seed of doubt in the kid’s heads that maybe they are never enough.
Honestly, I think you just need to not interact with them. They really should have also told you in the first place so that you could not have your kids in the room so they didn’t know or hear the speech that effectively called them bad for literally nothing.
Maybe tell her that she’s lost the right to see her daughter and grandkids till she apologizes to everyone, and especially to the kids for saying they were naughty. They’re kids. They are young enough that they can’t comprehend that it’s not their fault, and when kids that age think everything is their fault, it screws them up.” jellyfish125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom made your son cry sounds like she is jealous that you have money. Makes me wonder if your sister said something to her or if they have been talking about this before this happened. Since they are saying the same thing and your mom went out of the way to get her kids something.
But not yours. I would go with no contact on both of them. Your kids deserve a good Christmas. Someone having more money than others shouldn’t be something like that. Nor should a child be punished for it.” User
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay For My Roommate's Partner's Meals?
“About 6 weeks ago I (21F) moved in with my friend John (22M).
John and I have been very good friends for almost 2 years now since I befriended him at work.
6 months ago he met this girl, Cat (19F). He told me about her the day after he matched with her on an app and took me to her workplace to meet her.
She seemed very lovely, I was so happy for him.
Since then, John is always inviting her to every friend’s outing, so I got to know her. We have lots in common, and for John’s sake, I wanted to be her friend.
However, I think that, in the nicest way possible, she is a bit rude. She does art, and half the time John compliments her work she says ‘You hate it, don’t you?’. Or times we hang out with other friends we had to go home early as she was bored, and John was on our ride home.
She hasn’t done anything to me personally, but I just don’t like her much. I’m happy John has found someone he cares for, but having to stand by and watch how she acts sometimes rubs me the wrong way.
Here’s where the issue comes in.
Yesterday John and I were at the supermarket to do our food shop. Normally, we would buy our food for the week, and maybe a couple of simple/frozen meals to save for Sunday. However, Cat has been coming over for dinners a few times a week and she has a very limited diet.
She refuses to eat anything other than fast food or simple/frozen meals. She likely has her reasons for eating a specific food, and in case it’s due to an eating disorder or something similar, I do not want to make things hard for her or pry into something that isn’t my business.
The time where it becomes an issue for me is how John has now wanted to buy ‘backup’ meals for her, in case she doesn’t like what we are cooking. This would make sense, as before she has been eating stuff that was part of our weekly meal plan.
The problem is John wants me to financially contribute to these extra meals for her.
When I spoke to John about this and said how I am not happy paying half for her meals (our weekly shop cost is just split in half, as we both eat everything) he got quite agitated. He called me selfish for not wanting to help her, just to save money.
I know frozen meals aren’t the most expensive thing in the world, but John is in a much better financial situation than I am, and while I can pay my share of the bills, and occasionally have outings with friends, I do not want to be dishing out extra money for meals for a girl I have no real connection to, as these small amounts do add up.
In my eyes, if Cat doesn’t like what we are cooking she could come over on a different day, or John could buy backup meals for her out of his own pocket. I feel like a jerk, but I don’t think I should be paying for an extra person’s food.
If my partner had a similar situation to Cat, I’d see it as my responsibility to provide for him and his diet, and I’d never expect John to pay.
Am I the jerk for thinking this way? Do any of you have any advice?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it is time to take a financial and social step back from John as he navigates his new relationship. He can’t expect OP to help finance the fact that his partner eats like a child and needs ‘backup’ meals.
That is their expense alone and perhaps separate shopping is now in order as you two no longer have the same joint priorities. On the flip side, I also wouldn’t continue to rely on John as a ride if you constantly want to stay out with friends later.
It honestly sounds like your life paths are just splitting at this time and it is best to acknowledge that and adjust expectations of each other accordingly before bitterness sets in. I’d also get ahead of any rent/living concerns sooner rather than later.
If she’s sticking around it may be time to start planning an exit strategy.” ABeerAndABook
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your roommate is being unreasonable by requesting that you help chip in for paying for his partner’s meals. You’re not part of their relationship, you’re just a friend and roommate of John, not their other partner.
John wanting to buy these backup meals, for his partner should be his responsibility, not yours. Simply put. He can call you what he wants, he’s still the unreasonable one.
Thinking about it shouldn’t Cat be paying rent if they’re showing up way too often, or at least maybe you should give your landlord a heads up the next time John brings up the idea that you have to pay for Cat’s food.” SpeedBlitzX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Who cares whether you like the girl or are supportive of their relationship? That has nothing to do with anything here. John is way out of line expecting you to finance his relationship. Period. That is so over the top it’s really quite crazy.
You must be so gaslit by John to think that you need to explain why you don’t want to cost-share his partner.
I’d also take a good look at other areas with John. The entitlement he’s demonstrating, and your uncertainty about something as basic as this, makes me suspect that John is taking advantage of you in other ways too.” psatty
18. AITJ For Not Being Able To Imagine My Stepson Being My Daughter's Guardian?
“I have been married to my wife, Denise, for 5 years now.
She has a son, Michael who is 18. We get along pretty well. He’s a good kid with a great head on his shoulders.
This past year, my wife and I welcomed our first biological child together, Sarah. We’re going through the process of updating our wills, which means choosing guardians in the event that both of us died. When Michael was younger, Denise had her parents listed, but they’re now older and in no condition to take care of a baby.
We asked my sister and her husband, and they agreed.
We were explaining some things to Michael that came along with the will (insurance goes to him if we both pass, what he’d inherit, etc). We also explained that there was an account set up for him to get his own apartment once he finished college (he’s currently a freshman), should we both pass by then.
(Unlikely, but all bases covered sort of thing).
Michael then asked what would happen to Sarah. We told him our guardian choices. Michael straightened up and said that no, he would take on Sarah. I said that was very sweet, but he was still very young.
Maybe we’d consider updating it in 10 or so years when he’s older and more established. My wife said we’d think about it.
In private, I asked if she was seriously considering it. She pointed out that Michael spends a lot of time with her, is a good kid, etc, and is volunteering.
I said I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting the fate of our daughter in the hands of a young adult. I said if Denise was changing her mind about my sister and brother-in-law, that was completely fine but to me, Michael is not an option and it should be a ‘two yes, one no wins’ situation.
She asked if it would really be so mad for Michael to become guardian and I laughed. While yes, Michael is volunteering, he has no real clue what would come with being a parent. As I said, in 10 years, when he’s more established and an adult, I’d consider it.
For now, it needs to be someone else.
Denise isn’t upset that I don’t want Michael to be the guardian, but she is upset over how dismissive I’m being and that I laughed at her. She says that I’m being hurtful and offensive to both her and her son.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re not only being condescending and dismissive, but you’ve also just told your wife ‘I don’t think you’ve raised someone capable of looking after his sister and I’d rather break up our blended family unit than give him the chance to try’.
Not thrusting the responsibility for a child upon him is one thing, but if he’s responsible enough to ask, you should at least do him the courtesy of discussing it. Your sister and her husband could always take over or help out if it does become too much for him.” EternalCharax
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – not for questioning if your stepson understands fully what responsibilities come with raising children. As an informed adult and parent, I get where you are coming from.
However, the way you dismissed your wife is appalling.
You laughed at her when she brought up the possibility that her son, who’s 18, offered to take his own sister. She raised that boy and he wants to put his life on the line for his sister in case where you both pass away.
I don’t know many young adults who would do that. She’s taught him to value his family and if that was my kid I would seriously think about it too.
She did good with him, and you just laughed at her.” Dounesky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Michael sounds like a good kid but is also naive. He’s an 18-year-old kid that’s never lived on his own yet. That’s not a knock on Michael, he sounds like a good kid, but be realistic.
How can he provide for a child, especially as a single parent? He doesn’t have any marketable skills, because he’s a kid that barely started adulthood. He doesn’t have the wisdom or life experience to be a parent right now.
He could in the future, not now.
It’s a nice thought, but OP is right. Give Michael a fair inheritance, and revisit the issue in 5-10 years or so. What’s a better situation for a child? A stable, two-parent adult family, or a kid in high school?
OP could have had more tact, and Denise is going to be sensitive because it’s her son, but OP is right. He’s NTJ for wanting an adult couple to raise his child, should something happen, over a high school kid.” HotHand3
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So much. Do you have any idea what a gift this boy has given you with this? He wants his half-sister and wants to care for her. Extraordinary.
Young adult children take on guardianship of younger siblings every day and have for as long as we have had the concept of family.
Why not make him the guardian with your sibling as a co-guardian so they make the decisions as a family for his sister? Why not both? In ten years your sister may not even want the responsibility. Or your son may not.
It would not hurt a thing to speak to your attorney and work this out so he is part of her life if you both die.” Finnegan-05
Major jerk.
17. AITJ For Not Equally Splitting My Mom's Inheritance?
“I’m the youngest of 3 and was very close to my mom. My mom had a malpractice where she almost passed away and then filed a suit against the doctors and hospital. She was awarded a tad over 1mm USD.
When my mom had the malpractice, I was with her, I was the one that was with her in the ICU the entire time (about 1 month), I was her point of contact with doctors and if any decisions needed to be made while she was sedated I was the one making the decisions for her since she was unable to do so on her own.
She was married but her husband requested I handled everything because my mother specifically requested I be the point of contact since my older siblings did not have a healthy relationship with my mom. My mom was a tough cookie but she loved all of us.
After the malpractice, she endured many health scares and I supported her in everything that I could, I was there for her physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.
Well 5 years later my mom passed away but prior to her passing she named me as the sole beneficiary of her bank account and mentioned to me that she wanted to give money to certain people upon her passing (her siblings and her children for the benefit of her grandchildren)… well when she passed away I wanted to honor what she asked of me and gave everyone the amounts she had told me.
My siblings disagreed, they said that it didn’t matter what she wanted, she gave me everything and I should do what I want.
I honored what she asked me to do and gave my siblings what she told me plus a tad more from my share and now my siblings don’t speak to me bc they say I should’ve just split everything even with them instead of giving to my mom’s siblings.
Also, they’re upset because I kept a larger share for myself. I have text messages from them from prior to my mom’s passing saying they knew they weren’t going to get any money from her and that they didn’t want it anyway… yet they don’t speak to me because of this.
Was I in the wrong for not giving them more?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You honored your mother’s wishes. You have nothing for which to reproach yourself. Most importantly, you were THERE when you were needed. People go a lot crazy when they scent substantial bequests.
It must hurt, but you are better off without them. You had every right to the share you kept. Personally, I would talk to a lawyer to give myself peace of mind, but I have been feedbacked about being lawyer-happy.
I am sorry for your loss.” SusanMShwartz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you’re fulfilling your mother’s last wishes. Depending on the laws of your country, her other children and her husband could have a legal claim (in some countries even a written will can’t disinherit them completely, only reduce their share).
If that’s the case with you, be prepared for lawsuits. Morally speaking you are in the right.” Helpful_Hour1984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, they were TRYING to manipulate you. ‘Oh don’t give me what mom gave me, I don’t need it anyway’.
This was meant to make you think they are good people and a way to make you think you should give MORE
But you respected your mother’s wishes, and now they show what their true intentions were. If your mother was alive and saw this behavior I think she would’ve regretted even telling you to give them ANYTHING.” McXaven
16. AITJ For Refusing To Buy A House With My Family?
“I (24F) live with my sister (28F) and my parents. Growing up, my mother was really strict. I use to not be able to leave the house unless it was school or after-school activities. When college rolled around, I decided to move out to explore my own freedom.
When I was 22, the doctors found a tumor in my mom’s brain. She had to undergo brain surgery, chemo, and radiation. I moved back home to help take care of my mom with my sister. This was also during peak global crisis times so that meant that I was not allowed to leave my house to not risk my mom getting sick.
Flash forward, my mom had been clean for 2 years. During this time, my mom would go back to her strict ways. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house, and when I did, I was supposed to be home by a certain time (9 pm) Often times, whenever I go somewhere, I would thousands of calls from my sister, mom, and dad telling me to come home.
My sister would tell me that my mom would get headaches and small seizures if I don’t come home and I would often be told that I’m not a good sister/daughter if I choose to leave the house.
I thought this was only when I hang out with friends but recently I’ve been going to my cousin’s house and they seem to have a bigger problem with that. Every time I would leave the house my mom would tell me she was going to get a headache and I would feel guilty and like a horrible person for leaving.
I was told by my sister I’m only allowed to leave the house once a week at most, even then I’m not allowed to go every week. During this time, I don’t neglect my housework, I cook, clean, buy groceries, and give my mom her medicine.
I also work from work every day to keep an eye out for my mom.
My mom just finished her second round of chemo this month which my family has been using against me for choosing to go somewhere outside of the house.
I’m often told I’m not prioritizing my family and am choosing others over my mom. I honestly feel like a child and don’t have any control over my life anymore. Now my family wants to buy a house outside of my city because it’s too expensive in the city we live in and want me to move with them.
I said no because my leaving the house is already such a huge problem that I only see getting worse if I move further from the city. My family is telling me that they won’t move without me and is making me feel like this is my only choice.
I already offered the money to help but I don’t want to move. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and this is not in any way a healthy relationship for you. It says you work from work. I’m assuming this means you work from home every day.
If that’s the case you have income and need to move to your own place sooner than later. Your family is using you in a very unhealthy way. I am not unsympathetic to your mom as my husband had cancer and all the treatments so I know what it takes out of you.
You’ve taken care of her for 2 years at the expense of yourself and it’s now time to start prioritizing yourself. If they need extra help then they can hire someone to come in.
Do NOT buy a house with your family.
Would be a HUGE mistake.” EachToTheirOwn02
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are so deep in the muck you don’t realize you’re drowning. Your family is toxic and abusive. Your mother’s illness turned out to be the perfect tool for them to be able to trap you and keep the cycle of mistreatment going.
Get out and don’t look back. You owe them nothing. You deserve to be free and happy. It is not selfish to want to be able to live your own life. Move away from your family and block their numbers/emails/social media/etc…
Do not let them have another chance to guilt and manipulate you. Run fast and run far.” cbm984
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are in a very unhealthy relationship. Buying a house with someone that wants to control you is the worst decision you could possibly make.
A house is the single most expensive investment most people make in their lifetime. Going into that with people that want to control you is going to lead to a lifetime of problems for you. Family is family and it’s okay to love them but not like the way they are or the way they treat you.
Politely decline and tell them that for your own mental well being you need to strike it out on your own and that you hope they will respect you enough to accept that.” leveraction1970
15. AITJ For Joining In On My Daughter's Singing?
“I (36M) love my wife (39F). I think she just doesn’t like to bring attention to herself and gets embarrassed easily.
As many kids do, my daughter (11F) loves to sing. Whether it’s in the car, shower, or anywhere else, she isn’t afraid to belt out a tune, usually a bit off-key and often with some misheard lyrics.
It’s cute and hilarious, and obviously, I’m not going to tell her to stop.
My wife, however, has told me in the past that she’s ‘concerned’ about our daughter’s singing. She’s worried that our daughter is going to get made fun of sooner or later and has asked me to ask her to stop this behavior.
I’ve argued that it’s a harmless way for her to express herself and anyone who would make fun of her for it probably isn’t worth our time.
Now that you have a bit of context, over the holidays, we planned on attending a family gathering with a bunch of relatives.
Before the event, my wife warned our daughter to try to be on her best behavior and ‘not cause a scene’ in front of the company. She did NOT mention anything specifically about singing.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, we attend the gathering and my daughter starts singing along to one of the Christmas carols playing in the background?
I’ll be honest, it wasn’t her best performance, and I did notice a few family members start to chuckle. My wife is mortified and looks like she wants to crawl under the rug.
That’s when I decide to join in.
I start singing absurdly off-key and making up my own words. It’s ridiculous, sure, but it’s also funny, and it mitigates any potential embarrassment my daughter could have had.
I got a lot of laughs, but my wife is obviously not amused. She says that I ‘completely embarrassed her in front of the family’, which is not what I intended – I was just trying to make a funny situation out of a potentially embarrassing one.
She isn’t speaking to me now, and I’m wondering if I may have gone too far. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t think your wife’s intentions are jerk-ish, just their execution. I’m making an empathetic guess that your wife probably had a fun, quirky spark at your daughter’s age and was bullied or shamed for it.
Her protectiveness over your daughter from normal childhood embarrassment in a safe space feels excessive, and I can only guess it stems from her own experiences. Although your daughter may be embarrassed years later, right now this process is all about identity forming.
Some performances will be received well, others won’t, and she will adapt. This is a normal process and it might be valuable to discuss with your wife your desire to facilitate this process and be a support for your daughter as she develops mentally and socially.” DigRoyal9188
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t do anything wrong but your wife is a highly self-monitored type of person. She constantly evaluates the situation against herself and how she appears and is received by those present. This is not a bad thing but it’s something that is part of a person’s identity.
For those that do this being embarrassed is the worst outcome.
Again you did nothing wrong.
You’re playing a tug of war against your wife’s feelings and your daughter’s development. I honestly can’t tell you how to do these things because it’s your family, but it may help to do something like set up a show for your daughter where she sings and the expectation is that it will be a satirical rendition and will be for fun and by all means, join in and maybe dress up to drive it home that it’s all fun.
I know it takes away the spontaneity but it’ll ease your wife’s feelings of being suddenly embarrassed.
Keep going how you are I think you’re doing a great job with your kid, but remember patience it’ll take a bit to get where everything is smooth, I hope the best for you and your family.
NTJ” Puffblazos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The kind of a public shame that makes people opt out of doing things if they might not do them well is a learned behavior. Your daughter has apparently refused to listen and is good for her.
There is a reason that ‘Sing like no one’s listening’ is a trope. Your joining in has shown her that maybe at times you need to step up first to invite others to get over their own fear of being laughed at.” gdex86
14. AITJ For Not Cleaning The House?
“I (17F), my brother, and my twin stay with our dad for 2 days a fortnight, we are clean freaks and organize everything because we get a bit stressed out otherwise.
My dad has always been a slob – his mother cleaned up after him, my mum cleaned up after him and now we clean up after him, he’s always making passive-aggressive remarks like ‘you’re not going to your mum till you have cleaned your b****y mess up’ and stuff like that.
He seems to believe that we are the problem, he has told us that we have to keep the entire floor clean and he will clean the kitchen and his room upstairs – I think this is a very good idea.
The issue is that he doesn’t clean. He makes dinner and leaves food out and dirty dishes out for days, he leaves food in the fridge until it’s rotten and moldy.
My sister and I always clean up for him, we started trying to do ‘big house cleans’ and saying ‘I’m gonna change all the beds – could you start vacuuming?’ And he would argue, he would always blame the mess on us.
We would clean the food off the floor when we first got to his house after being away for 2 weeks, we would scoop the piles of ants off the rotting food and clean up his mess on our floor (the shared living room).
We finally talked to him and said it was getting ridiculous, the house always smells, we were always clean, and there are ants everywhere. He said it’s because we don’t clean up, so my sister and I made a point this time to only clean our mess, to only wash our dishes, to only do our laundry.
The house got unbearable, now he has our Nonna involved saying we need to help Dad. Dad is saying we need to stop being lazy and help him, that it’s our house, not his.
I can’t deal with this anymore, the mess our brother and dad make and don’t clean up is never ending – he has a rent inspection coming up – we have been away for a month with our mother and he wants us to do a big family house clean however there are three big floors of this house and it’s a bomb site of his dirty washing and dishes.
So, are my sister and I the jerks for saying we wouldn’t do a house clean but just clean our floor?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he said to clean up after yourselves, and that is what you are doing. Being female doesn’t make you a magical cleaning expert or enjoy doing it any more than males.
It’s like they think a set of cleaning tools just falls out of our uterus when we reach puberty.” Gloomy_Shallot7521
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
For the love of god, talk to your mom! Find some excuse to stay away AFTER the rent inspection (and the possible follow-up inspection for improvement).
He either finds another idiot to clean for him or he’s going to get evicted. That is HIS problem, he can pay for someone to clean up if he’s too lazy or incapable to clean. Don’t think for even a second that you are responsible for cleaning up his mess.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. He’s a grown man, for Pete’s sake!
You could contact the landlord and tell him, that it’s been a month since all of you have been there. Could even tell him more. But this would be going actively against your dad.
In your situation, it’s enough to not bend over anymore.” mad-n-sane
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Let Dad be the grown-up he is supposed to be. You are not his housekeeper. Dad and your brother are being disgusting. Dad needs to step up and teach his son that cooking and cleaning are a part of life that everyone should be able to do.
It is not just work for females.” TrayMc666
13. AITJ For Letting My Stepdaughter Wear My Daughter's Cheerleading Outfit?
“I (48M) married my current wife a few months ago and now we live together with my only daughter (16F, Lucy). My wife has an older daughter (21F) who is in college and wants to pursue a career in fashion.
I have tried to generate stronger bonds between my new wife and her daughter with Lucy because I think she needs active female figures in her life. Lucy’s mom lives traveling around the world because of her work as a humanitarian worker.
She is a great mother and person but she is obviously not as present in our daughter’s daily life as we all would like.
Lucy’s relationship with my wife is very good now but she doesn’t seem to connect with her stepsister.
Last weekend, my daughter was sleeping at a friend’s house and my stepdaughter was visiting us. At one point she entered my daughter’s room. I am not sure why, she said she wanted to look at herself in Lucy’s makeup mirror.
She saw my daughter’s cheerleader uniform that was folded over the chair and asked me if she could use it to take some pictures for Instagram. She is very active on social media for her fashion career, posting different outfits and looks.
I say yes without a doubt, I assume teenage girls don’t mind using each other’s clothes and things like that especially as it was her stepsister, not a stranger. She posted the pictures and very soon my daughter texted me very mad and said that I shouldn’t have let her use it.
I honestly don’t think I did anything wrong, I think Lucy is trying to generate conflict because she does not like her stepsister.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Yes, girls borrow each other’s stuff… with permission.
You do realize your daughter could get in trouble with her squad, especially if she goes to public school.
I don’t know how it is everywhere but when I was in high school and my two daughters, the younger of whom is graduating in 2 months… students were not permitted to let other students wear their activities and sports uniforms and arent to wear their uniforms unless it was for school-sanctioned activities and events.
Letting an ADULT wear her cheerleading uniform for social media clout could land her in hot water.” Glass_Status_5837
Another User Comments:
“‘I say yes without doubt, I assume teenage girls don’t mind using each other’s clothes and things like that especially as it was her stepsister, not a stranger.’
There is one key thing that is missing here but is usually the reason teenage girls don’t mind sharing clothes with friends/family – consent. As in getting consent from the owner of the clothing before giving permission. Your stepdaughter knew she wouldn’t get permission from the owner which is why she asked you instead of Lucy.
And instead of being the adult and protecting your daughter’s belongings, you gave permission that wasn’t yours to give.
I also wonder why you let your stepdaughter into your daughter’s room without her there in the first place. Or why you don’t have an issue with a 21-year-old trying on a 16-year-old’s cheerleading outfit since they are probably not the same size?
Her taking pictures of herself in a teenager’s cheerleading outfit to put on Instagram as ‘fashion’ is bizarre. That kind of schoolgirl outfit on an adult is more fetish than fashion.
YTJ” QueenOfTheSnarkness
Another User Comments:
“YTJ: you should have told your step-daughter to ask your daughter directly.
If your daughter already does not have a good relationship with her step-sister this just made it worse. Oftentimes children feel jealousy towards the children of their parents’ new partners, due to some subconscious fear of being replaced. If that was the case for Lucy, your actions reinforced those fears.
Both you and your stepdaughter also demonstrated that you do not respect Lucy’s space and privacy. There was no need for either of you to be in her room while she was not there. If you do not learn and respect your daughter’s boundaries, you’ll just mess up all of the relationships you actually wish to grow.
In short: talk to each other!” ponyostarfish
12. AITJ For Using My Mom's Credit Card To Pay For Medical Fees?
“I (F25) was given temporary guardianship of my baby sister (F15) for 6 weeks in the fall while my parents (M48 F46) had to be overseas for several reasons. Our parents left me with mom’s car and keys as well as her credit card for any expenses I might run into.
On the first day that she stayed with me, my sister told me she had been having really bad tooth pain for a few weeks now. She was chewing only on one side of her mouth and was sort of hesitant to eat.
I told her I’d set her up for a dentist’s appointment, and I did make her one for later in the week, but the next day she had a fever and her face looked somewhat swollen on that side, plus she said her pain was much worse.
I called the dentist again and they were able to see her that day. It ended up being an infected abscess. We needed to pull the tooth, drain the abscess, and get her antibiotics. My parents’ insurance covered a lot of it, I wasn’t sure what to do about the rest and my parents weren’t answering the phone all day due to the time zone difference.
I just put down Mom’s credit card for the amount that needed to be covered right then, as well as to pay for the antibiotic prescription when I picked it up.
I didn’t think much of this at the time but when my parents found out, they were mad.
Dad said the credit card was for standard everyday expenses like food and gas, not emergency funds (they didn’t specify this before nor provide separate money for emergencies) and that I overstepped my bounds by dropping a large sum of money on such a rash and expensive choice that mom was going to have to pay off.
I offered to pay it back (it’s technically within my means) and he said forget it, it’s too late now due to my impulsivity. Mom also made an offhand comment about how I didn’t ‘triple check’ to make sure my sister actually needed medical attention rather than trying to get out of school.
This was a while ago so I thought it was behind us. My parents told me we weren’t gathering for the holidays this winter and I found out yesterday from my sister that a bunch of families had visited and my parents hosted, so I’m sure they’re more upset than I thought.
My take is that I made the necessary decision for my sister’s well-being and I don’t regret it, but I could have done more to make sure I handled it in a more appropriate way financially and maybe waited to go through with anything until we could get in touch.
However, I offered to reimburse you and was turned down. As the acting legal guardian at that time, it seemed urgent. I was worried about my little sister and the treatment that needed to be paid for. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ. It makes me worry about what other care your sister is being denied. The pain was going on for several weeks by the time you took over – so presumably they already knew about it and decided it wasn’t important.
Your mum said you didn’t ‘triple check’ your sister wasn’t just trying to get out of school – surely that was proven by the pus coming out of her face! That’s difficult to fake!
Even if you’re not invited back, please try and keep in touch with your sister in case she needs any other help.” HW_Gina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That abscess could literally have killed your sister. you did the best thing with the tools you were given; as well as offering afterward to reimburse them, which you absolutely did not need to do. it’s their child, not yours.
you handled the entire situation maturely and responsibly
Your parents on the other hand whined like little babies and would have preferred you ‘waited it out’ on your sister’s necessary dental work. I guess they figured Death’s Door would have been the appropriate time to make that decision.
then they childishly left you out of the family holiday for some crazy reason.
Maybe if they ever grow up they will see the error of their ways. If not, I suggest you ground them and take away their phones for a week.” Pure-Relationship125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not required to pay your underaged sister’s medical bills. You know who is? Her parents. Your parents. The literal minimum of what a parent is supposed to do is keep the children fed, safe, and healthy.
Dental abscesses are not healthy and they don’t just pop up out of nowhere. They could have prevented those high bills if they had done what they were supposed to do and manage your sister’s dental care. Hopefully, the real reason they’re so irrationally angry is because they’re so disgusted with their dismissive parenting.
Not that that makes it any better.” NLO1312
11. AITJ For Telling My Brother-In-Law To Spend More Time With His Teen Kids?
“My (41m) BIL has 4 kids (15f) and (17f) from a previous relationship and (6m) and (4m) with his current partner.
Right now most of the parenting focuses on the two boys and doing things with them and showing them new experiences which is understandable but he’s kinda ignoring his daughters.
When they do something with the daughters it’s either what the parents want to ex.
Camping which the 15f hates or it revolves around the kids.
The teens have been rebelling over the past few months and the oldest told me that she and her sister are distressed over being pushed aside.
My BIL was expressing his frustration with them.
I got frustrated and told him that maybe if he spent more time with them on their level maybe he wouldn’t have so much trouble. He got frustrated and shut down
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s understandable to give babies more attention… but they’re not infants anymore & his daughters need attention too.
I get he only gives them attention based solely on his own likes… but he needs to consider the fact that his daughters may not enjoy those things, especially when it’s things that are typically disliked by girls. That’s just common sense.
No one is asking him to play salon or tea party or something along those lines. However, it’s not gonna kill him to at least sit down & talk with them, take a few hours out of his days to escort his daughters to things they enjoy, and treat them to an outing of their choice.
Just simple things.
It wasn’t technically your place to put him in his place, though the moment he opened up to you about it, he did give you a reason to do so.
If he likes the outdoors so much & wants to compromise, perhaps the girls would like to go riding… they can talk & ride & it would be fun & an n experience they can share.” Amelia_Rosewood
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He asked and got an answer. It’s understandable that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear… But in my experience as an adult, sometimes we need to hear our mistakes bluntly and straightforwardly like that.
Some people take offense to it and get offended, more emotionally mature ones will appreciate that it wasn’t sugarcoated.
Teens rebel, yes. And parenting doesn’t stop just because they’re older and a new baby came along. I have 3 kids and their age difference is huge like this.
I’ve had to remember to include the older ones in as many things as I can that actually interest them and talk to them like I did before baby came along.” FunnyMiss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your niece has told you how they feel.
He was venting to you about their behavior. You responded. But, you weren’t just responding as an observer. You were giving him advice based on the actual feelings of his daughters.
It wasn’t even harsh advice. It’s pretty basic advice for engaging with a teen.
‘Spend time with them that involves their interests.’
With young kids, you can get away with involving them in your activities and interests (to a degree). But that doesn’t work with teens if your interests aren’t their interests.
My guess is that he reacted as he did because he wasn’t looking for advice, but rather validation.
That he was looking to hear ‘Yeah, man, teens are all James Dean wannabes in hoodies’. What he got was not commiseration, or suggestions on how to ‘fix’ his daughters, but advice on changing himself.
(Side note: I don’t agree with the ‘all teens rebel’ attitude.
Teens are learning independence. Which they need to learn and takes time. Can it involve pushing boundaries, sometimes even too far? Sure. But a lot of teen ‘rebellion’ could be avoided by treating them with respect and courtesy and meeting them where they’re at.)
Could the way you have said it have been tailored differently? Possibly. Hard to say without actually hearing it being said.
But, knowing what you know of the situation, it sounds like you would have been doing a disservice to him and them not telling him that he needs to start with himself.
One thought about where to go from here… You’ve told him to connect with them through their interests. Maybe the next step is to help him experience it.
Figure out something that your nieces would be interested in doing and invite the three of them to do it with you.
No women, no younger brothers. Just dad, daughters, and uncle.
It might be the opportunity he needs to see that he can connect with them without it all being about him.” hard_tyrant_dinosaur
10. AITJ For Refusing To Switch Plane Seats?
“Last weekend, I (22F) traveled on an 8-hour flight home to the US from Europe.
I booked a bulkhead aisle seat in the economy well in advance because I needed the accommodations it offered.
I have a disability that caused cysts to erode my spinal nerves for years before we caught it, and, despite surgery, I live with severe chronic pain resulting from extensive nerve damage.
This pain significantly worsens when I’m sitting in an upright position, but I knew I could manage the flight with my medication, leg room for slouching, and the ability to stand up and move around whenever I needed to ease the pain without having to repeatedly inconvenience potential seat neighbors by forcing them to get up so I could get through.
Anyway, a family of three boarded soon after me, and the mom and baby, probably around 2 years old, were in the middle and window seats next to me. The dad was several rows behind in a window seat.
As I expected, as soon as they were settled in, the mom turned to me and asked me to switch seats with her husband so he could be there to help with the baby.
I politely told her ‘No thank you, I’d like to keep my seat,’ which was not received well. She badgered me for several more minutes, but I stood my ground. I even explained to her what I wrote above about my disability and why I needed the seat, and she said ‘What a load of crap.’ My condition is invisible, so that really got to me.
I called over a flight attendant because at that point I was tired of being insulted and called heartless (also, the husband never once got involved in this situation) and she eventually got the woman to stop. She still spent the next 8 hours very loudly talking crap about me to the baby and making a show of yelling back to her husband when she needed something, but I put my headphones on, read my book, watched tv, got up, and walked around when I needed to, and all around had an otherwise pleasant flight experience.
Still, I did get a lot of dirty looks while the mom was making a scene. There was one guy who smiled and nodded at me (he was close enough to hear my story), which I appreciated, but most everyone else around was throwing me disgusted stares for a while.
I heard one older lady in the row across whisper to her husband that I was a monster.
I just feel like, if they wanted to sit together, why didn’t they buy 3 tickets next to each other in the first place?
Perhaps I would’ve considered switching if it were only a minor inconvenience—I understand traveling with a baby must be hard—but in this case, switching would’ve negatively impacted my flight experience to a very high degree, and that isn’t what I paid extra for when I purchased my ticket months in advance.
I didn’t think I was the jerk, but it’s hard to maintain that thought when you have a cabin of people looking at you like you kicked a lost puppy.
So AITJ for refusing to switch?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s no more reasonable to expect you to move than it is to expect the people sitting next to her husband to swap with her and the baby, or some other row to do the same.
If you’re ever in a similar situation you might be able to diffuse it by saying something like ‘I’m happy to help but I have X needs for the seat I move to.
If you can work with the flight attendants to take care of that I’d love to help you out’. Probably won’t stop the drama but might make it clearer to everybody you’re not being unreasonable.” amlyo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You booked what you needed to have a comfortable trip. The family did not. And the mother had absolutely no right to be mad at you for not switching seats. Airlines need to buckle down on bullying by people flying on their planes that feel they have the right to expect someone to make up for their own inadequacies when purchasing their tickets.
Bullying should not be tolerated. Flight attendants should have the power to shut that crap down and be able to ban the passengers that are doing the bullying from ever flying with their airline again.” TimelySecretary1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You booked your seats in advance, understanding that you needed that seat for your condition. You did not walk on the plane expecting someone to give you their seat because of your condition. This mother didn’t book the seats she needed and expected someone to move for her.
I don’t have a condition, but I prefer the aisle so I usually pay an extra $15-20 in advance to select the aisle seat. I wouldn’t have moved for anybody. If you want the seat, go online and buy the seat.” User
9. AITJ For Not Sending My Parents Monthly Funds?
“I (23f) grew up in South Asia but moved to a Western country to pursue my Master’s a couple of years ago. My elder brother (29M) also moved to the same country for his education a couple of years before me.
He now has a well-paying job here and has helped me a lot with the move. Our parents paid my brother’s tuition fees as well as his living costs while he was studying as that’s common in our culture.
I got a full scholarship and a part-time job to take care of my other bills as soon as I moved so my parents didn’t contribute anything. They did however pay for my flight ticket as that was quite expensive.
I have a very rocky relationship with my parents, especially my father. He always favored my brother and as a result, I was always treated differently than him. Being the youngest, I spent my entire life comparing myself to him and doing everything he did as I thought that was the only way to make my parents proud.
I don’t know if it’s just plain old sexism or my brother being the first child, but nothing I did was enough. They always bought my brother expensive gifts and trips to celebrate his milestones but I got nothing even though I had better grades and got into better universities.
They were also emotionally abusive and my father would say horrible things to me on a regular basis. My brother, however, is an amazing person. He would stand up for me and has always supported me. He’s the only reason I still have a relationship with my parents and he’s quite close to them.
In our culture, it’s also common to send money back to your parents especially if you’re living abroad. My brother regularly sends money to our parents but has recently stopped as he got married and his wife doesn’t have a job yet.
I graduated last month and got a really well-paying job. Now my parents are asking me to send them money but they’re asking twice as much as my brother used to send. Their reasoning is that I’m young and shouldn’t have as many expenses as my brother did since I’m not married. I’m also earning more than my brother did.
I straight up refused and told them I can’t afford to send them anything. Now they’re calling me ungrateful and have got our extended family involved as well. Everyone’s calling me a jerk for abandoning my parents who have done so much for me.
I feel like I don’t owe them anything but they did pay for my flights and stuff and were contributing financially before I moved away. My brother has opted to stay out of it but has said that this will destroy my relationship with my parents so I should be prepared for that.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You don’t owe them anything – it was their decision to have you, and this comes with responsibilities, which don’t stop at the age of 18.
Also, their rationale for why you should pay twice much as your brother seems to be coming more from your dad looking at his attitude towards you.
I’m not sure why your parents expect the money anyway – if they managed to cover your brother’s tuition and other expenses, they must be well-off enough not to need your earnings. I would be more understanding if they were in a bad financial situation and perhaps asked for temporary help.
If you still feel like you owe them for that plane ticket and + other few things they covered, count it all, spread it across months like installments, and be clear you are paying them back.
Remember – no one is entitled to the money you earn, even if they helped you with ‘getting there’.” noonespecial_2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do not owe them money for having you and raising you. Your parents are extremely sexist. Send them the flight money and block them. They will continue to compare you and tell you that you are not good enough.
Verbal mistreatment does start chipping away at you and no matter how hard you try, you start to believe it deep down inside. It leaves scars. My mother always told me that I wasn’t good enough, that I was a failure, and that I had wasted my life, then in 2019 I found out she was incredibly jealous of my life and achievements.
That was the time I went no contact. So sometimes people do not tell the truth about what they feel, they are just saying things to bring you down, guilt you, or manipulate and control you.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I don’t know the custom well but it seems odd to me that they’re requesting specific amounts at all. I’d always assumed it was an expectation to give what you were comfortably able to, not that you have to give them whatever allowance they demand.
That they’re demanding you pay double what your brother did, and are seemingly okay with him stopping paying, at least temporarily, feels especially wrong to me.
As for what you actually do, that would depend on what relationship you want with your family moving forwards.
You could cave and pay them what they demand, and your relationship would stay pretty much as it always has.
You could try to negotiate with them to pay what your brother did, it might get you on a more equal footing, but I doubt they’ll accept that.
You could outright refuse to pay anything, this will ruin whatever relationship you have left with your parents, and possibly other relatives who side with them.
You could be petty and pay only the cost of the flights and any other costs they took on that weren’t explicitly required as part of raising you, but this will absolutely ruin your relationship and probably cause a bit of chaos.
Personally, I wouldn’t give anything, though I’d be very tempted to be petty. I don’t know if this matters to you but if you don’t participate in this custom now, you can’t in good conscience expect to be the beneficiary of it if you have any children in the future.
I also wouldn’t count on any inheritance from your parents if you can’t at least find a middle ground you can agree on, though given how you’ve described them I’m not sure you can anyway.” Jord159
8. AITJ For Not Being Fair To My Grandkids?
“I always wished my sons, would like to follow in my footsteps. I own a small business that pays really well and I wanted them to work for me and learn how to manage it so they can have it after me but neither of them was interested which is alright.
I understand that they have their own dreams
My granddaughter who turned 16, 9 months ago was looking for a part-time job. She asked me if she can work for me and learn from me. She has been doing a really good job and is planning to work with me full-time after high school.
I’m of course very glad that one of my kids is finally showing interest in my job and since she is my granddaughter I pay her more than I would pay a stranger, also she gets to set her own schedule so basically I’m more flexible with her
My sons and their families were all at my home a few days ago. We were all talking and the conversation went toward jobs. my son asked my granddaughter about her job and was mad when he found out about the payment and schedule.
He said his son (17M) has a job that is harder than hers and pays less. He accused me of favoring my granddaughter and asked me to give my grandson a job. I told him that my grandson had the option to take this job but didn’t he said they didn’t know the conditions of this job.
I told him there is no opening anymore and I don’t want the business to be split between multiple people, granddaughter is going to get the business, and everyone else had the chance but decided not to use it. He called me a jerk and said it’s not fair to give her everything and not give my grandson anything.”
Another User Comments:
“Legally you’re totally in the clear, of course. It’s your business, you can employ who you want and give it to who you want.
But there are 2 things that need to be said here: ‘I’m of course very glad that one of my kids is finally showing interest in my job and since she is my granddaughter I pay her more than I would pay a stranger, also she gets to set her own schedule so basically I’m more flexible with her’
You’ve set her up to be hated by all your other employees. When you retire and she takes over from you, none of them are going to respect her and the business will probably suffer from low morale and high staff turnover.
‘I told him that my grandson had the option to take this job but didn’t he said they didn’t know the conditions of this job. I told him there is no opening anymore and I don’t want the business to be split between multiple people, granddaughter is going to get the business, and everyone else had the chance but decided not to use it.’
Without knowing exactly what the job is, the hours are, and what the pay would be… how could you reasonably expect your grandson to take the job? The fact your granddaughter did is frankly bizarre and suggests it was more a case of her not wanting to be bothered with job hunting than anything else.
Regardless of that though, you’re setting up future family drama here. You need to be aware of that, going this route is going to cause drama amongst your kids, and then drama amongst your grandkids, for years to come.
You might not care, and that’s your prerogative.
But you need to be aware that you’re choosing a course that is likely going to split your family and ruin the family’s relationships with each other.
No jerks here” BoopingBurrito
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
If you offered the job to the kids and one declined and the other took you up on it, why are they mad that she now has the job she was offered?
The one danger though is this: ‘Since she is my granddaughter I pay her more than I would pay a stranger, also she gets to set her own schedule so basically I’m more flexible with her’
That’s nepotism and will make her coworkers hate her in short order.
When you have discord and tension in a workplace, you get less work and more dissatisfaction out of the employees and that can ruin a place.
I’d be cautious with that.” Fanculo_Cazzo
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you can afford to pay someone the wage you pay your granddaughter, and that’s what the work they’re doing is worth, you pay that.
Regardless of your relationship. Also, it’s 2023, you don’t have to behave like an ancient monarch picking his favorite child to be his heir. And if you’re GOING TO, maybe let the kid finish school before you plan their whole future.
That said, your relatives seem extremely rude. ‘My job is harder than yours’, more like I don’t know what you do and I think the type of work I do is the only one with value.” schnorb0
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They all had the opportunity to learn & work at the business & chose not to for their own reasons. You didn’t just give her the job & agree to give her the business to get her to work there.
SHE has an interest in the work & she’s doing what is needed to take over which is something none of them wanted to do until they heard the money involved.
The fact is that you aren’t playing favorites or just giving her everything.
She’s earning what she’s being given which is the right way to do it. It’s ironic that the ones whining about it are the ones wanting to have things handed to someone who obviously wasn’t interested & wouldn’t be good for the business due to that alone.
Stick to your guns & cover the business, your granddaughter, & yourself legally so they can’t try to do something to take the business from her claiming something like inheritance rights for example.
Don’t listen to anyone telling you that you’re wrong.
You’re being a good boss, business owner, & grandpa. They had their chances & it’s not yours nor your granddaughter’s fault that they didn’t take it when offered.” DearOP_
7. AITJ For Asking My Roommate To Eat Quietly?
“I live in a dormitory where rooms are very small and 4 people in it. In general, I don’t communicate with them not because I don’t like them but because I like to be in my own business.
One of my roommates always smacks his mouth while he is eating something and I can’t stand that voice. In my opinion, it is disrespectful and represents primal behavior.
Firstly, I kindly asked him to be careful and not to make a sound.
He said ok but when the time passes, he continued to do so. In the second warning, again, I kindly asked but in a serious tone. He said OK again but continued.
On one of my nervous days, he did it again and this time I shouted at him with a couple of bad words.
He immediately stopped and said nothing (or I didn’t hear that with the effect of anger). The same day I apologized for having shouted at him. He is now careful but sometimes he does it unintentionally.
Today again he made the noise and I warned him.
This time he replied, ‘Every day you are shouting on Discord while you are playing. This bothers me too but I won’t say anything… etc. etc.’ and that’s true. Sometimes I yell at the game with the thrill of the game or the conversation.
So am I the jerk in this story?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for shouting at your roommate and using bad language to get your point across. While it is understandable that the sound of someone smacking their mouth while eating can be irritating, it is not an excuse to yell and be disrespectful towards your roommate.
You should have continued to address the issue in a calm and respectful manner and worked towards finding a compromise that works for both of you. It is also important to acknowledge that your own behavior (yelling during gaming) may also be bothering your roommate, and you should try to be more considerate of their needs as well.” Waxmaniac2
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
It’s not bad to confront the person but the way you did it is so wrong. You’re neither one of his parents nor are you a family member to shout at him. You’re a hypocrite if you’re also being loud at night, you’re worse than him.
I know how you feel because it’s also a pet peeve of mine but sometimes you just have to******* up or just don’t eat with the person who eats loudly. Though eating loudly is frowned upon, it’s unfair for him to walk on eggshells when eating with you since he pays the same amount of rent as you.” 654capybara321
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You make more noise and tolerate less than your roommate. The issue is not that he makes an annoying sound, but that he makes a fairly normal sound that you are oversensitive to. Expecting someone to constantly muffle sounds when they eat is not reasonable.
This is your sensory perception issue to manage and not his responsibility to tiptoe around you. You, on the other hand, should not be shouting on your discord because that tends to be disruptive to everyone.” wolfpackTA
6. AITJ For Not Supporting My Daughter In Pursuing Her Interests?
“I’m a married man in his 50s, working in the field of quantum computing.
My wife also works in a STEM-related field and we have 3 daughters together ages 21, 17, and 14.
I’ve always pushed my daughters to excel in maths as I think it’s the basis for most of the important jobs today. It’s also such a fun and beautiful subject on its own, but I guess not everyone sees it that way, like my daughters.
They’re all quite good at maths, especially my oldest, but they prefer to spend their time on TikTok and Instagram and not do something more useful.
My oldest was recently discharged from the army and she still lives with us.
She wants to become an influencer, a makeup artist, or an actress and spends most of her time trying to achieve that goal. Just the other day, she spent hours changing her nail polish a million times and taking pictures of her nails.
I have nothing against actors and I know how hard their job is. But I also know how hard it is to become a successful one and make a living out of it. I also have nothing against makeup artists, and based on the countless makeovers that I got from my daughter, I’m sure she could be a great one.
I just don’t think the pay is good enough. Influencers on the other hand… I simply don’t understand their role and contribution to society, but maybe that’s because I’m too old.
My wife and I both want our daughters to get higher education, preferably in a STEM field, to help them secure good jobs and be independent.
My oldest strongly objects to that (even though she could get into any program that she wants with her grades), and wants to pursue her own interests. I told her that if she doesn’t want to study then she can’t live with us rent-free anymore doing whatever she does.
She could either leave our house, find a job to pay her rent, and not expect my wife and me to support her if she doesn’t succeed in pursuing her interests, or she could go studying and stay rent-free with us if she wanted while being free to pursue her interests in her spare time.
My daughter is understandably very upset about it and thinks that I’m sabotaging her dreams without even giving her a chance. She says that she doesn’t like maths and that studying for a degree would be a waste of her time.
I think the options I gave her are more than fair and she also needs to understand that she sets an example for her younger sisters who seem to follow her steps. Am I being a jerk to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Yes, she is free to pursue her dreams but she also needs to be an adult and pay her way. Letting her live at home is fantastic security but as an adult, she should be happy to contribute. I would probably have an open and nonjudgemental conversation with her about how she is pursuing these fields.
Ask her for her plan of action and where she is at in this process. If she wants to become a makeup artist I’m fairly sure there is a cosmetology qualification she should be looking to pursue. For becoming an influencer ask her what she is doing to step into that space.
What work has she done on learning social media and algorithms? What niche is she looking to step into? Does she know how to market? What is market saturation like for her niche?
You need to give her the freedom to choose something that isn’t STEM though.
Support her in her choice but you are ok to ask her to study or get a job.” Hela_AWBB
Another User Comments:
“Your daughter was in the military and theoretically has a grasp of what being an adult is all about.
It’s not living off your parents. If she has a solid business plan for becoming an influencer and some amount of initial success, then she might have a case to ask for your support. As it is, it’s a vague dream of making money playing around while someone else foots the bills.
All the good grades, being good at ‘maths’, and having lucrative career stuff aside, this is about whether the young woman is entitled to live off her parents. I’m going to go with ‘no’. NTJ for setting expectations for your children to establish their own lives and identities.” Dance_Sneaker
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just because you and your wife love STEM and thrive in STEM careers doesn’t mean that’s the only way to make a decent living. If you were telling her she can’t major in history or English, it has to be a STEM major, I’d say you were being unreasonable.
But, no, at 21 she can’t just sit around doing her nails and making TikTok videos and hoping to hit it big. I think the options you‘re giving her are perfectly reasonable with 1 little adjustment. Finding a place to live and getting set up can be expensive.
If she doesn’t want to go to school, it would be reasonable to give her 6 months rent-free while she earns money and saves before she needs to go find her own place.
Isn’t the military supposed to give you skills?
Surely there’s something she can do to earn a living.” Miriamathome
5. AITJ For Gifting My Ex-Wife With A Photo Album?
“My ex-wife and I have been separated for 5 years, we have an 8-year-old son together, and she got remarried last year.
I try to be very intentional with the time I spend with my son. Over the last year and a half, we have gone on 4 big trips traveling to Nicaragua, Vietnam, Alaska, and Colombia, as well as lots of smaller trips around the US visiting cities, camping, and doing various outdoor activities.
I love to take photos and well document our trips. However, I don’t have any social media to share the photos on so will send family and my ex some of the photos over email. My son also likes to draw and journal our trips.
I feel sad that my ex-wife misses out on half of his life especially when he’s getting so many new experiences.
I decided to put together a photo album of the last year & half featuring photos of our son, photos he took, other relevant photos, photocopies of some of our son’s drawings, as well as notes he made about various things.
Our son helped me make it and my son gave it to her for her birthday last week. When he gave it to her, he must have told her it was from me as well as she texted me to thank me and said she loved it.
Her husband was less than pleased and sent me messages telling me it was inappropriate and creepy to give it to her as a gift. He also accused me of trying to win her back (I’m not. I have a significant other) when I had just wanted her to have something that gives her a glimpse of the moments she was missing out on with our son.
My stepsisters agree with her husband and think it was a little weird that I gave her an ‘intimate’ gift, but I don’t view it that way. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – this was a very thoughtful gift that you and your son put together to help share his experiences with his mom.
Her new husband sounds like an insecure and immature person that is obviously threatened by the bond with your son and the good co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife. There was nothing intimate about the gift. You may want to share the texts from the new husband with his ex so that she knows what is going on.
Eventually, she will have to deal with it. The stepsisters need to just keep their comments and opinions to themselves.” Emptyabyss57479
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it only contained content including your son and did not include anything about you, then I don’t think it’s weird at all.
You are a caring dad to not want your son’s mom to miss out on the parts of his life she’s not around for. If you included things about yourself though, that’s where I would say it’s a little weird.
Again, if solely son-content, then I wouldn’t consider it intimate just because you helped him make a nice gift for his mom.
Side note: I understand her partner might feel a little out of place about such a thoughtful gift from an ex, some people are just insecure because there will always be a relationship between their partner and their partner’s ex when a kid is involved. But he takes it too far in calling it creepy and inappropriate, or accusing you of trying to win her back because none of these things are true.
He’s showing his jealousy and insecurity.” 1or2throwaway
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
From the sounds of it, it was more your son’s gift to her and that you helped compile with him. You did say ‘Our son helped me make it and my son gave it to her for her birthday last week’.
You were not at the party AND your ex texted you to thank you and say she loved it. That is all that matters! Her husband’s discomfort is her business. If he can’t understand this is a gift from your son, that’s on him.
It’s not like it’s boudoir photos of you, for Pete’s sake! It’s photos of your kid, photos he took, and copies of his drawings and notes. This entire gift is centered around your son! Who would get mad at that?
It’s so thoughtful and it wasn’t about you.” archetyping101
Her new husbands issue with it, and his issues in general, aren't your concern. He seems extremely jealous. And his reaction would make me wonder how he feels about and treats my son.
I'd like to know if she knew about what he said to you and if she did, what her thoughts are, and what her reaction to him was. What she said to him, if anything.
4. AITJ For Starting My Truck In The Morning?
“I work a normal day shift (7-4) and each morning, as it has been below freezing, I remotely start my truck from inside the house to let it warm up before I drive to work.
Apparently my neighbor, from the complaining I have heard through the window, works the second shift and the sound of my truck warming up awakens him every morning. He has complained very impolitely about this twice now, I have never met him, and do not know him as I just moved in about 6 months ago.
My truck does have an aftermarket exhaust on it, but I wouldn’t consider it ‘loud’, this is the first time anyone has ever complained about it. So… am I a jerk for starting my truck in the morning, and ignoring his complaining?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Does your neighbor expect you to walk to work? You would have to start your truck when you get in anyway. It’s not unreasonable to remotely start your truck, especially in cold temperatures. I’m sympathetic to your neighbor but it’s not like you’re truck has one of those loud obnoxious exhausts or makes excessive noise.
It’s his problem if he is too light of a sleeper to be awoken by regular noise. Just because he works a different shift and sleeps at a different time doesn’t mean the entire world has to be quiet for him.
There isn’t really anything that you can do to be quieter.” spacemarine1800
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If your shift starts at 7 am, that means you’re warming up your truck well before 7 am. And you put an aftermarket exhaust on it, which you implicitly acknowledge makes it louder than it otherwise would be.
The responsible trade-off to that choice is to be respectful of others when running your car.
The fact of the matter is that you are knowingly waking up your neighbor very early in the morning with completely avoidable noise. That makes you the jerk.” morgaine125
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Aftermarket exhaust systems aren’t inherently noisy, especially at idle. And an idling truck isn’t going to create excessive noise beyond acceptable city codes. It’s below freezing, so it’s to be expected that folks leaving for work early have to warm up their vehicles to defrost. Your neighbor may be annoyed, but that really isn’t on you as long as you’re being truthful about only doing this while the weather is cold and you aren’t letting it warm up for more than the 5-10 minutes it should take to defrost the windshield.” CaptainButtGravy
Another User Comments:
“Assuming that warming it is so it is warmer inside, not that it would not be possible to drive it without warming it, then soft YTJ. You’re creating a noise nuisance at a pretty early hour in the morning, you know it disturbs your neighbor but you are doing it anyway.
It does depend a bit on what time we are talking about – if you are turning it on at 6 that’s a lot more antisocial than if you are doing it at 6.45, for instance.
Plus, you mention you have an aftermarket exhaust so I guess that it is louder than a normal exhaust?
Even if you don’t consider it loud, it sounds like it’s louder than a normal vehicle would be.” ProfessorYaffle1
3. AITJ For Not Lying To My Partner?
“So I (M28) and my partner (M32) have been together for four years. Our relationship has been amazing except for when we have special occasions or gatherings. He is a really sensitive and emotional type to the point that it gets awkward and embarrassing.
Match Day is a Day when Med students find out where they will do their residency. I’ve been extremely stressed because I was hoping for my first choice and didn’t need any extra stressors.
My partner asked what time the event that my program was hosting was to reveal the match day results and I just knew he would be over the top with emotion and cause me embarrassment so I lied and told him a time well after I’d find out.
Match day was Friday and I got my first choice. My partner arrived an hour before the event ended and was visibly upset with me. He went home after and won’t return my calls. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It was YOUR match day. It was about YOUR feelings, NOT his. You needed to be able to relax and be supported, not have to manage his emotions AND his.
He needs to stop using the excuse of being part of a family of cry connoisseurs and stop actively stealing even the smallest bit of the limelight from others on their special occasions.
His behavior, conscious or not, is inexcusably self-centered and selfish. He needs professional guidance in appropriate self-regulation.” KappaSigma1942
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Relationships are built on honesty and trust.
You find a man being emotional too embarrassing to be around, please take a look at yourself and ask why you don’t want to be with this man who is openly vulnerable with you – such an amazing trait for him to have.
You should never have lied to him and if you find his authentic self to be too embarrassing for you then do him a favor and break up with him.” bigboibigproblems
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Match day is YOUR accomplishment, and you don’t have to share the initial moment it happens, even with your significant other.
You knew he would likely become overly emotional and ruin it for you so you decided to tell him it was later in the day so that wouldn’t happen. You didn’t do it to hurt him, you did it because it is YOUR moment and you shouldn’t have to manage his emotions and awkwardness at the moment you are rewarded for your years of hard work.
Yes, it would have been better if you were able to talk to your partner ahead of time and explain why you wanted to do the initial part of the match day by yourself. But you didn’t do that because you were trying to spare him hurt.
You were in a tough spot and did what you thought would save him hurt. If he continues to sulk like a baby, I would question staying with a partner who is always going to make big events in your life this much of a drag.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You lied to someone who needs to be able to implicitly trust you. Intimate, romantic relationships involve so much trust, and trust is delicate.
I’m gonna be honest, if you are embarrassed by him being himself and having feelings, especially to the point of lying to avoid him attending important functions… why are you guys together?
And how is it any different when you aren’t in public? If his feelings aren’t a problem while alone, then they shouldn’t be a problem when out with people. It’s one thing if your partner just doesn’t know how to behave in public, and is doing offensive things, or divulging personal information that hurts or violates you… but it’s another thing to just have a personality that you find embarrassing, ‘sensitive’ seems to be describing the kind of people who aren’t ‘cool,’ and NOT the kind of people who harm anyone or make people upset… if what you mean is that he’s just not cool enough in public, then double YTJ.” 2McDoty
BTW, why does the title say, AITJ for NOT lying to my partner?
2. AITJ For Telling Strangers Not To Take Parenting Advice From My Mom?
“My mom and I don’t get along. She wasn’t around much but we’re trying now. She’s getting better. Or so I thought.
We were at this fancy restaurant (my mom’s favorite) and there was this relatively young couple with twin toddlers and another younger kid.
There were other families so they didn’t stick out or anything, I just noticed them because we were seated directly beside them.
The younger one kept babbling and hitting his spoon against the table. He also knocked over a drink and spilled it all over his mom.
When my mom noticed she gave me a look and said ‘You never did that as a baby’.
I just said okay and attempted to change the conversation. Then one of the twins had to use the washroom I think so Dad took him while Mom and the other two kids were still seated. She was taking photos of her kids and told them to say cheese and the other twin said cheese a little too loudly before erupting into giggles.
The younger one thought that was hilarious and started hitting his spoon harder. Mom was trying to take the spoon from him but the other kid was distracting her too.
This made my mom upset and I kid you not, she stood up, walked up to the woman, and said ‘Excuse me you are in public, don’t bring your children to places like these if you can’t control them.
Just by looking at you, I can tell that the kids make the rules and you follow them. People like you give parents a bad name.’ She then looked at the boy and went ‘Behave’ really sternly.
The woman seemed too shocked to speak and honestly so was I.
My mom looked really satisfied though and told me that she never let me and my siblings out of the house until we were a certain age and ranted about how selfish the parents are. I was still in shock because who just…
does that? I asked my mom what she was thinking and she excused her behavior with ‘I’m a retired teacher and a full-time parent, I know what I’m doing’.
That made me upset because she is most definitely not a full-time parent.
Maybe for the first 5 years of my life but definitely not for a long time after that and definitely not now either. I walked up to the woman (her husband was back and it seemed like she was filling him in).
I told her that I was so sorry for my mother’s actions and reassured her that my mom is not someone anyone should take parenting advice from. I called her kids cute, then left after paying the bill.
My mom‘s absolutely furious and apparently extremely humiliated and embarrassed. She said that after I left, the woman’s husband approached her and told her to mind her own problems with her own kids and it embarrassed her to death.
She said that I had no right to expose our issues etc etc. I do feel a little petty and my dad thinks we’re both being childish (which isn’t wrong) but Jesus Christ. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Seriously, your mom was horrid to you and it’s clear you haven’t worked through all the issues yourself, either. That’s why you blew up at something that didn’t involve you. I’m not sure I believe you care about that other woman – it seems you’re only mad because your mom is claiming to be a mother when you thought she was a garbage one.
And you are likely fully justified in thinking that.
But sorry, it’s NOT okay to bring a bunch of kids to a nice restaurant and be disruptive and out of control. Your mom DEFINITELY is a jerk for the words she chose, but it’s not out of line to speak to them and tell them that their choice to bring loud kids to a FANCY restaurant is hurting other people’s ability to enjoy themselves.
If I’m paying primo money to have a nice time, a kid clang clanging a spoon is going to really overstimulate not just me but a lot of other neurodivergent types. If this were the neighborhood diner, your mom would be definitely wrong, but you said a ‘fancy’ restaurant, and yeah for ‘fancy’ money there is kind of an expectation of quiet.
The only non-jerks are the little kids, because they’re kids and, like you, the victims of some terrible parenting.” dragonfeet1
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. The kid with the spoon would have gotten on my nerves, but the other one didn’t sound anything more than a happy child.
But even for the child with the spoon, unless it was really loud, I wouldn’t have said anything. And if I couldn’t stand the noise of the spoon, I would have had the server discreetly ask the mother to take the spoon away, not get up and embarrass the poor mother.
It definitely sounds like my parenting style is different than this couple, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
I am quite sure the mother appreciated your apology and after filling in her husband, he was probably grateful as well.
Never feel guilty about being a decent human being. You didn’t embarrass your mother, she embarrassed herself. I am very sure having twins isn’t easy and that mother didn’t need your mother being rude to them. Despite your dad’s opinion, I don’t think you were immature or wrong in your apology.
That’s what decent human beings do!” Ghostwalker1622
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your Mom should not have taken it upon herself to reprimand the mother of the young kids. She was extremely rude and what she did was totally uncalled for.
If she was disturbed by the way the children were acting she should have asked to be moved to another table.
It was nice of you to apologize and compliment the kids, but you took it a step too far in airing your family’s dirty laundry to strangers.
You should have reprimanded your mother in private.
If this really was a more upscale restaurant, then the parents of the young children shouldn’t have brought them there until they were more mature. The children’s behavior was fine, but a more casual, family-friendly restaurant would have been a better place to take them.
People go to fine dining restaurants in part for the atmosphere, which is ruined by loud children. It’s rude for parents to take their children to these types of restaurants knowing that the noise their children will be making will be disturbing other diners’ quiet enjoyment of their meals.” kavk27
1. AITJ For Telling My Mom That I Earn More?
“I (22M) was raised by my grandparents. Childhood was rough but it could have been worse. I recently got out of the military and currently live with my mom (42f), stepdad (36m), wife, and kid (21f & 8mo), including my two younger brothers (14m & 4m).
I know the house sounds packed, but it’s really not the house is quite big.
Before we moved back home in Dec 2022, we decided we will******* up and move back with our parents until we are ready to buy a house instead of renting (we are very close).
My mom has been unemployed for 2-3 years. So I was already planning to contribute monthly. Keep in mind we lost my little brother (16m) in August 2022. Here is where the problem is.
First, she told me she wanted me to move in so she could help me get on my feet.
She started off by saying I don’t have to pay anything monthly. Then it’s $300/month. Okay cool. The minute I told her I got a job back home (I work in tech) and she asked how much. Yep… I told her I’m never making that mistake again!
As soon as I told her, the prices went up! $600/month. Now the number isn’t the issue, it’s the way I feel she is trying to take advantage. I wanted congrats maybe even feel happy for me. She doesn’t pay any bills but I understand that wasn’t my business, but now it is now that I’m paying.
For the first 3 months, I was paying 600/month it was no issue.
One day I and my stepdad were talking and he told me 600/ month was way too much… If I just pay the utilities I’ll be saving $300 and he was clueless as to why I was sending it to my mom in the first place.
From there I wanted to have a sit-down, just the 4 of us. My mom and stepdad are on the edge of divorce so the communication isn’t there. Too many secrets. I figured I would tell my mom that I would be handling the bills with my stepdad since he’s paying them.
I had access to pay the bills directly, something my mom refused to give. My mom flipped out. ‘He doesn’t run anything, he isn’t a real man’. Honestly a whole bunch of emotional nonsense. I walked out respectfully ignoring her as I went to my car.
The next morning she is blowing my phone up with texts about how I need to pack my bags but my wife and kid can stay.
I came home and asked her why she was kicking me out. We got into a yelling match after she said my grandparent brainwashed me.
One thing about my mom If she feels like she’s losing an argument she will try to cut deep. At the end of the argument, she told me she ‘owned me’ everything I did need to be approved by her.
Told me I wasn’t a real man and unfit to provide for a family, a loser. I’m not going to lie, I would have laughed it off… if it didn’t come from my mom. I asked her after everything I went through, how could you look at me like this?
‘How am I a loser if I make more than the average in my state at half of your age? What are you?’ I am normally humble because there is always someone with more. I’ll admit I snooped down to her level but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Hard NTJ. It sounds like your mom is dealing with a lot of her own crap currently and taking it out on you. It also sounds like she’s being really shady about where your ‘rent’ money is going, if she’s insisting you pay it to her directly rather than in the form of utility bills which you can pay to the company directly.
Even more shady is the amount of rent you’re paying not being approved by your stepdad and him being surprised you were paying so much. Honestly, I would move out just to not be around your toxic mom if you can afford to.” fleabaggo
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not only did you know your mom is a deeply flawed woman, but you also knew she was enduring a divorce. Then you made a move to keep her out of the household finances by dealing directly with your soon-to-be ex-SF.
In other words, you deliberately put your wife and children in a toxic environment AND you have added to your mom’s misery when she was already extremely vulnerable.
Get your family into a rental. Work 2 jobs or have your wife work to save the money you need for a house, is my advice.
Like this week.
Then let Mom cool off and talk to her. Apologize for your part in this debacle, which in my view is the majority share. Help her find a therapist, a lawyer, a new job, or just a quick coffee break that doesn’t exacerbate her fears.
Or if you can’t handle any of that, at least leave her be until things cool off.
Your mom should not have said what she did, but you are a grown man. A husband and father. Your duty to your children and wife should have dictated you do not expose them to their grandmother at her worst.” Pinkie_Flamingo
Another User Comments:
“Wow. If that’s really the totality of how you bit back at her, I applaud your self-control. The things she said were nasty and cruel, and gods… if she was doing that when you were a child, she was super abusive.
NTJ at all.
You would be a jerk if you took her up on her offer to leave your child in her care while you left, but you didn’t even bring that up as an option. Glad to see that.
Her behavior is outrageous. She’s in no place to be around a child right now. You might even look into if she’s capable of taking care of your brothers.
I’m sorry this money-saving opportunity isn’t going to work out for you.
Really sucks as the economy is not fantastic right now. But seriously, raising your daughter around someone who is this unhinged isn’t worth it.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
Your family is a mess.
You’re 3 people. You have a wife (does she work/did she before the baby?) and a baby.
Get your family out of there, and move into your own space with a lease or a mortgage or whatever, with your name on the utility bills.
$600, including utilities, is nothing for 3 people to live. $300 is half that. But there’s a mess between your mom and stepdad.
Who owns the house? Is there a mortgage… in whose name? Who is the father of your brothers in terms of financial responsibility?
Get your wife and baby out of there.” Usrname52
