People Get Freaked Out By Their 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Invite My Critical Parents To My Graduation?
“I (20, F) just graduated from university and got my bachelor’s degree in IT, yes I graduated from university at 20 I know it seems unusual but I started school young and finished my degree in 3 years.
My graduation ceremony will be on Monday 24/6, and each student gets 3 invitations, Most people invite their parents obviously, but I don’t want to invite mine.
My mom (50) and my dad (65) are not the best parents, I love them I do but the way they criticize me is exhausting.
Since I was born my parents loved to compare me to my cousins & friends of the same age, as I entered high school, I went from being this outgoing extrovert girl to the insecure burnt-out girl who would question everything she did and if her parents would approve.
High school in my area was and still is a big deal because it shapes your future. I graduated with a 93% and they were furious and kept telling me that I didn’t do enough, and it was true and I ended up getting rejected twice from nursing school it was so competitive and my cousin got in which made my mom upset.
She started crying and blaming me, she wanted me to be a nurse.
I applied to major in IT and got accepted, I struggled and wasn’t the best at coding but I did my best while studying and working simultaneously to pay for my tuition because my dad refused to pay and 3 years later I finally graduated. They made me feel like I was always behind and people were growing and developing and turning into adults and that’s why I pressured myself into getting the degree in 3 years.
I thought it’s gonna make them happy that me and my fellow friends were on the same path and maybe I was a step ahead but no, they did not appreciate it.
Despite my efforts, the criticism and judgment from my parents never stopped, and my relationship with them remains strained after years of physical and mental mistreatment.
I still hate and blame myself whenever they say they’re disappointed in me.
For my graduation, I was planning on inviting only my 2 sisters and cousin but mom told me that “unfortunately” she & dad would have to attend because if they didn’t people would talk because we had relatives going to the same uni as me.
She cares a lot about what other people think.
They will criticize my every move, and my dad judges the way I walk and even breathe. He says it irritates him and makes me look like an idiot.
Graduates who graduated with honors will be given a special scarf to wear with the gown. I didn’t graduate with honors even though I worked my backside off I swear but the pressure was insane and I feel ashamed. It will make them more disappointed in me than they already are to look at these students and then look at me wearing only the gown and the disappointment I’ve caused them on my shoulders.
I want to have fun and enjoy because I didn’t have the chance to in high school due to unforeseen circumstances and because they told me that my result was not worth celebrating. I can’t stop thinking about how they will drain my energy and suck every drop of happiness in my body and start commenting, I’m sure they will make this day miserable and one of the worst days of my life, AITJ for not wanting them to come?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wait, your mom said it was unfortunate that they would have to attend? I don’t think so! They get as much say as they contributed to the education… 0. I’d skip my graduation and get the diploma in the mail before I had them there. You had enough spine to put yourself through school, graduating early, despite their lack of support. Now follow up, and tell them no. And give yourself a break! Graduating while working is impressive. Graduating in 3 years is impressive. Graduating in 3 years while working is darned impressive!
Ok, you didn’t get honors. I am certain if you slowed down, and took 4 years, you would have made honors easy. You’re internalizing their criticism. You don’t need them to tell you how “bad” you did because you have an insidious little voice in the back of your head belittling you for them. It may take therapy, but please learn to shut down the self-depreciation. You don’t need to hear the criticism from them.
You certainly don’t need to criticize yourself. You did wonderful. ” Suitable-Tear-6179
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I graduated uni bottom of my class. My parents were delighted I passed. My sister is currently doing the same course at a different uni. She’s almost killing herself to be top of the class (has major anxiety and mental health issues).
And the pressure comes from her, not family. If I make depreciating comments about how much better she is than me academically, my mum intervenes. If she makes comments about better exam results than me or about working harder than her twin (doing a different course with a completely different structure) my mum intervenes.
Because that’s what good parents do. I’m doing the career I want in a place I want to live. Honors don’t matter (not in my field). You’ll find your way and forget your parents.” Competitive-Proof410
19. AITJ For Prioritizing Friends Over Parents On Graduation Day?
“I (16M) went with my parents to my school’s graduation day. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with my class before we all moved on to different upper secondary schools.
After the ceremony, my parents wanted to take pictures.
They know I don’t like pictures, they already recorded me at the ceremony, the whole class had taken a picture together already, and it’d be awkward to take pictures as the weird kid in the middle of a crowded schoolyard, so… I proceeded to say “no” and ran away from them with my best friend (which was funny to us, probably not to them.) Then I yelled behind me, “Later!” We went inside to find our other classmates.
I prioritized my classmates and favorite teachers over my parents. Most of the students didn’t even know where their parents were half the time, and the adults spoke mostly to each other, so I didn’t think much of it.
My parents called me several times asking when I wanted to go home, and I’d ask to stay longer because I had grown attached to these people, especially since I had a class that got along well and was surprisingly nice towards my anxiety-filled self.
Finally when I had finished saying goodbye to everyone, I found my parents at the entrance. They said they had been waiting for me for a while and that we couldn’t take a picture now because they were tired and we needed to go home.
I told them, “I don’t care about the picture.” That sounded rude so I re-formulated it and meant that it was alright, and we could just go home now if they wanted to. I didn’t expect that my mom would take the whole thing so personally.
In the car, she went on a long angry lecture about how I always disrespect my elders, that she’s gonna kick me out as soon as I turn 18, and I should be glad that it’s not legal to hit children here.
She and dad were tired, they wanted to go home earlier but I didn’t know, because I was busy with other people “… that you can meet again in the future. If you’re gonna say ‘this is the final time I meet my friends,’ unfriend them!”
I admittedly talked back a few times, trying to explain why meeting most of them again is unlikely but my mom didn’t want an explanation and kept ranting. Then my dad told me to be quiet and told my mom it’s enough again and again but she kept going until his voice cracked.
When we came home, my dad got me to say sorry to her, to which she responded with skepticism and immediately dismissed me. 30 minutes later, she was chill and talking about my grades with me as if nothing had happened. I was left very confused.
I realize now that graduation day is also important for parents too, and I should’ve involved them more despite no one else doing so with theirs. AITJ? My dad and I bought flowers for her the next day as an extra apology.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It would not have taken too to take some pictures after the ceremony. It’s understandable to want to see lots of people, and at least you answered the phone when they called and asked to stay longer. It would have been good to thank them for waiting for you so long.
Good call with the apology and flowers. ” Having-hope3594
Another User Comments:
“ESH You were rude and you could have set aside 10 minutes after the ceremony to take photos with your proud parents. You only have one mom and dad and you ran away yelling “Later!” which was funny to you but understandably wasn’t funny to them.
Your mom overreacted and said some really mean things to you on your graduation day. She owes you an apology, too. Congrats on graduating! Now, move on to better things and next time, talk to your parents beforehand about what’s important to you and how to make everyone happy by compromising.
EDIT: For your mom to mention violence towards you is horrible on all levels, not just on your graduation day.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ due to your young age. Your behavior was not kind to both of your parents.
A graduation day is usually a time of great pride for parents. To them it often signifies a recognition of the support that they have given their child throughout the years. It was a small request for your parents to ask for a few photos.
My son despises having his picture taken (he is insecure about his smile) but he accommodates me for a few photos for each special occasion. The good news is that you have recognized that you should have been kinder to your mother and you have made amends.
The experience will allow you to recognize that your mother has certain feelings and will probably bring you closer in the future. It was a minor mistake so be sure to forgive yourself and enjoy your success!” Late_Confidence8101
18. AITJ For Not Paying My Friend Back For A Hotel Deposit After A Disastrous Trip?
“My friend (18F) and I (17M) went on a vacation to Toronto together. Since I didn’t have a credit card, she was supposed to make the reservation. I kept asking her to look for hotels and activities a few weeks prior, but she wouldn’t until the day before we left (we stayed a day in Montreal).
She wouldn’t tell me which hotel she picked and when I showed her hotels, she would automatically say no. The evening before we left for Montreal, she told me to find a place, because she was staying at a friend’s apartment.
I ended up at my aunt’s. The next day, we arrived in Toronto near 11 pm. She had already paid a $90 deposit for the room. We went to the front desk and they asked for our IDs. I gave the guy mine and said I was too young.
Immediately, my friend asked if she was allowed in since she was a year older. The answer was no. She spent 30 minutes looking at hotels on her phone, refusing to tell me the name of where she was looking so I could call them, and denying all of my suggestions.
I have crooked knees, so I cannot stand up for too long. Tired and in pain from waiting half an hour, I called the first hotel I saw on Google and immediately got a room. I ended up paying the full price at once.
We were supposed to stay there for two weeks, but she told me the morning off that she was only staying three days. She ended up agreeing to stay five days, and I stayed a little bit longer at another hotel by myself in Montreal. Walking towards the subway station, I told her we were not going to the same station (I was going to a hotel and she was going to the bus station).
She just said “bye” and walked off.
A few hours later, she sent a voicemail asking for my part of the deposit. I politely declined, telling her I wouldn’t pay for a service I didn’t receive and that it was her fault for not reading the website and confirmation email, both of which state the age restriction.
She called me poor, said that I wouldn’t have been able to go to Toronto without her because she paid for the train tickets from Montreal to Toronto with her credit card (I paid for her pack on the same day), and that I would’ve made the same mistake as her.
I sent her a screenshot from the hotel’s website which stated on the first line of the rules that it was 19+. She deleted me from every group chat we had together and told me that if I wanted to do something with our friends or talk to them, it would be without her (that was after two short messages from me).
She is still calling me poor, refusing to pay me back for what I paid for her (more than the $45 I “owed” her), and won’t have a normal adult conversation about it. I was about to pay her like 20$ before she went on her tangent, but I didn’t offer it after everything went down.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Wow tell me she doesn’t give a darn about you without telling me. Do NOT pay her. NTJ. What do you get out of this relationship? Seriously?! She is so inconsiderate of you and is so irresponsible it’s f’ing embarrassing!
She’s rude to you too. She insults you calling you poor repeatedly. She has no concern for your medical needs, no concern for planning, financial responsibility, or convenience you would want on a vacation. This girl only thinks of herself and can’t be bothered with anyone else.
You owe her nothing and should do yourself a huge favor and leave her asap. Sorry, I’m being mean but I’m so mad for you.” ElaNinja
Another User Comments:
“NTJ she isn’t a real friend.
Her ego and need to be in control is a huge issue, even more so when she didn’t consider you throughout the entire trip. Even for an acquaintance, I’d be triple checking they’re ok, for someone I call a friend?
I’m checking in constantly to make sure they’re ok! Friends *help* each other. This woman was just using you as an excuse to travel. Please find real friends who value you.” I_wanna_be_anemone
17. AITJ For Wanting To Keep My Dad's Bike That He Gave Me, Despite My Mom's Intentions To Sell It?
“So for context, my parents got divorced last year. In the divorce, my dad took minimal possessions from the house. He took a basement couch, his chair, his office desk, and their mattress and that was about it.
Nothing else besides one of the smaller ladders in addition to his clothes and things. My mom has everything else. Even chainsaws and a bunch of extra storage stuff including all kinds of other things from the house.
She is paying him half of what the house costs but she could sell it for a lot more in the future than what it just recently got appraised at.
When they split up they had 6 bikes in their possession.
My mom’s new mountain bike, the old mountain bike that is now my dad’s (they both agreed to give the old one to my dad when they were married so he wouldn’t have to get a brand new one and he could ride with her), my mom’s road bike, a fat bike for her and my dad, and a tandem bike.
In the divorce, my mom and dad agreed that my dad could take his fat bike and the mountain bike that was his. This left my mom with her new mountain bike, the road bike, her fat bike, and the tandem bike.
Recently my dad moved states and wanted to get rid of the mountain bike- he only wanted to take the fat bike with him. He was going to sell the mountain bike but asked me if I wanted it first and I said yes- I’ll take it.
Coincidentally, knowing my dad was moving my mom asked me if I could get “her” mountain bike back.
Well, I brought it back to my mom’s since I live there at the moment while I’m waiting to move into my apartment for grad school.
I thought my mom wanted it back to ride and maybe because she felt possessive/sentimental over it since she’s a big biker. That was not the case. She just wanted it so she could sell it herself and take the money for it.
I asked her as a courtesy if I could take the bike for school and she straight up told me no that it’s her bike and she had the right to sell it. I got upset because I told her I didn’t think it was fair- that the bike was dad’s and that he gave it back so I could use it- not so she could sell it off.
So AITJ for wanting this bike even though it was previously mom’s? I’m about to go $100k into debt here at a minimum for school so something like this would be a big help.
However, I might be a jerk because my mom has been getting tight on money since the divorce and probably wants to sell it to help pay bills.
It is a more expensive good quality mountain bike.
I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my mom so I’m thinking I just let her have it but I’m also upset at the shady-ness of her wanting it just to sell it rather than helping me out.”
Another User Comments:
“If I followed this story correctly, the partition of property at the divorce made this bike your father’s. If that’s right, why does your mother think she still has any claim on it? Wasn’t it, as of the divorce, his property to keep, give away, sell, or throw out as he sees fit?
Didn’t he give it to you? Technically INFO, but unless there’s something I’m missing here, this will be NTJ.” philautos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That bike isn’t hers. Your dad got it in the divorce and has now given it to you. Tell her the bike is yours and if she sells it you’ll file a police report for theft. Find something to secure it that she can’t take off. See how you can establish ownership also. Keep it somewhere she can’t access, like at a friend’s, until you’ve done this.
One quibble: “…she could sell it for a lot more in the future than what it just recently got appraised at.” She could also have to sell it at a loss. This is how real estate works. Your dad opted to take the buyout now. That’s his prerogative. It also doesn’t involve you and is irrelevant to your question. What else she got in the divorce doesn’t matter and seems like an attempt to slant judgment in your favor by showing how “wealthy” she is.” ApprehensiveBook4214
16. AITJ For Expecting More From My Depressed Sister?
“I’m the younger sister (26) to my older sister (28). We are close and love each other, but come from a family where we hardly learned to communicate calmly or take care of ourselves.
My sister has depression and anxiety and it got really bad 5 years ago, but she never wanted to get therapy.
I’ve gotten therapy to deal with her and her depression over the years. I’m her closest friend, and I’ve realized that I’m exhausted of empathy from her confiding in me. She says she doesn’t want to pay to talk to someone and that it’s depressing that she has no one to talk to.
And she says, if you’re not feeling good imagine how I’m feeling?
In general, I repeatedly place boundaries with her which she completely ignores, even when I explain that I’m drained resentful, and devoid of empathy.
Lately, we’ve been in a better place, she comes over to my apartment and she stays for a while (4-6 days) because she hates being at our parent’s home, and prefers being in the city.
The latest event yesterday that triggered us:
We were sitting down and she was getting hungry at lunchtime. There weren’t ready groceries in the fridge so she started complaining angrily and accusing me of never “thinking ahead and planning for food”.
I got triggered because, it’s not true, and is it only my responsibility to feed us? I cooked fish and salad the previous night with no help from her, the usual.
She rarely cooks and cleans at our parents where she lives, and didn’t maintain healthy habits when she used to live alone.
She usually orders fast food to feed herself. She wanted to order poke bowls, but it was 25$ each and she wouldn’t pay for my part. It was too expensive. Although, when I go grocery shopping and I pay for both of our meals for the week, she is very comfortable eating “free” food that appears in the fridge.
I know she was relying on me to cook as usual. So I said, are you relying on me? What would you do if I wasn’t here? She said no she’s not relying on me. But what are we gonna eat?
She was looking at recipes and asked me what I wanted to eat. I said chicken, veggies. She wanted pasta and, a burger. We disagreed and she got even more mad because I always ‘just want chicken’.
.. We had fish and lentils before that…
I was frustrated with her attitude and was giving her short replies. So it escalated into a screaming match because I was rude to her by not helping them figure out lunch.
I’m tired of doing all the work. I ended up doing the groceries by myself, and she did do the dishes which took 10mins, and I happily thanked her for it. But when I later asked for help with cooking she called me ungrateful.
She struggles with basic things and I know it’s hard with anxiety/depression. Am I the jerk here for resisting to give my all, and expecting more of her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I feel like this is affecting *your* mental health.
I would sit her down and go over boundaries. Rules of her staying at your place. If she continues to refuse to get help, eventually you’re just enabling her. Maybe it’s time to step back and tell her you’re no longer able to have her stay for nights on end or even overnight if she’s going to be so demanding and helpless.” butterflyprinces872
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It sounds that even at nearly 30 years old she’s used to being the kid in whichever setting she’s in — she lives at home and doesn’t do much there and when she’s with you, she wants you to play mommy in feeding her.
You can’t change her. You can only control yourself. You know how she is. If you’re willing to keep letting her be a drain, you’ll have to live with the outcome. You can create distance and prioritize your well-being if you want to.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister needs to get help for her mental health. It is not ok to put this all on you. Having depression & anxiety does not give you the right to be an entitled jerk.
Stop allowing her to come over. You set boundaries & she keeps crossing them. She is toxic & she is draining you. Enough is enough. You need to put your foot down with her. You probably think you have to walk on eggshells around her, but it shouldn’t be that way.
She needs to deal with her mental illness that is now affecting you.” NOTTHATKAREN1
15. AITJ For Refusing To Pay For My Mom's Passport To Visit My Partner?
“So some context. I (male) recently turned 21, and my partner (22) lives in another country that isn’t far from the US. Throughout my life, I’ve been the typical socially isolated nerd. When I was young, my parents promised me that, due to my having some mental disorders and a hard time getting myself out there, they would never force me out of the house until I was ready, and would support me in any way they could.
This was far before I even turned 18, mind you.
Two years ago, me and Connor (fake name) finally decided to start seeing each other after knowing each other online for a long time. He’s helped me through my darkest moments and is a constant light in my depressive spiral. He’s no catfish – he came down for a week a few months ago, and it was the best week of our lives.
While I hadn’t flown or even traveled out of state before, we decided that I would go to his place instead.
That’s when my parents entered the picture. They’ve constantly been on my case about getting a move on with my life, trying to push me forward to stuff I’m not comfortable doing, but with Connor’s emotional help, I landed myself an overnight job.
Our deal was simple – I would try to get my license soon after winter, my mom would take me at night, and my dad would pick me up in the mornings. However not only did my mom contemplate hounding me for a license a mere month after starting, but she eventually stopped taking me at all – leaving my morning person of a father to take me at night, sleep for 5 hours, and then pick me up.
However one night she decided to take me, she insinuated that it was MY fault, and I should either get a full-time job or take different, longer hours. My current job hours are perfect for me, there are no customers and hardly any employee interaction.
She also still hounds me about moving on with life, trying to rush me out. My dad’s not much better either, wanting to discuss the “cost of living” with me and my mom. What’s that gonna do, make me feel even MORE like a disappointment when I don’t reach a number tied to my name?
Now, to the trip; When Connor came over a few months ago, my mom initially wanted us to postpone it, as she would be recovering from surgery and “didn’t want to miss time with him.” Not only did her surgery leave a few noticeable scars, but she was also completely fine.
When I brought up that I wanted to fly to Connor’s place for a week, she immediately got defensive and heavily insinuated some ‘freak accident’ that could happen, and how she needed to come with. The problem is, she’s tight on funds, and wanted ME to pay for her passport alongside mine – she even filled hers out when I asked how to fill out mine!”
Another User Comments:
“Why would you take your mommy to visit your partner? Why would your mommy want to go with you to spend time with your partner? Is she going to supervise your romantic relationship? Is she going to assist you with the logistics of relations between you and your partner?
You need to rethink the whole relationship experience if your mother is going to take part in your romantic relationships, do you think your partners are going want to have your mother along?” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m confused. Your parents want you to get on with your life and such, but your mom needs to travel with you to visit your partner. They need to make up their minds. It sounds like they want you to be on your own, but then to still be in charge of your life.” Outrageous_Lab375
14. AITJ For Arguing With My Mom Over Her Facelift Plans?
“My (28f) mom (50f) is no longer speaking over an argument involving her facelift. My mom and I are best friends and as far as family goes, it’s just us. A few months ago she decided she wanted a facelift. My only request was that she not do it in the summer because she cannot be out in the sun for a minimum of 30 days afterward.
A few weeks go by and she tells me she has some dates and asks which work for me. The dates were June 10th, 14th and 19th. I was annoyed, but was already going to be off work June 11th-20th, so I said the 14th.
I followed this up saying, “I don’t know why you don’t wait till the winter.”
A few days ago, I revisited a convo about her boarding her dog while I care for her. She has a 100lb Rottweiler who is “excitable” anytime I’m around.
He rarely lays down and just wants to play all day long. He bugs you to throw the ball for him, and if you take it he whines/cries and will try to get it back. He frequently jumps on and off the beds/couches and is a bull in a china cabinet.
I also have to walk him. I told her it would be easier for me to have him boarded and for me to bring my dog to her place (my dog quite literally sleeps all day). She said it’s too difficult to get him to the vet and she didn’t want to traumatize him and said to board my dog.
Fine. During this same conversation, I mentioned how her house wasn’t a friendly environment for me. I said she keeps the AC on at 78 degrees, there’s no fan or TV in the guest room, no pots/pans to cook, doesn’t keep food in the house (I’m currently on a diet), etc. I also said I was annoyed the summer was ruined since she can’t be outside June/July.
She then blew up on me and said I was ungrateful, unreliable, selfish, not dependable, “just like the family”, and that I betrayed her. She said she was going to cancel the surgery and lose the 3k deposit she put down because, “I’ve wasted thousands of dollars on you and your brother over the years, what’s another 3k”.
I told her she was being unreasonable and that she didn’t need to cancel, I was still going to come take care of her, but she was not making it easy on me. She responded that she never asked anything of me and that I shouldn’t have complained about anything.
We argued some more and then I tried to diffuse the situation saying we only have each other and can’t afford to get into spats like this over nothing. I said complaining was unnecessary and I wouldn’t do it anymore and said “let’s get the surgery so you can feel like a bad lady”.
Her response was essentially a “screw you”. Her stance is that I only have to care for her for a couple of days (I was planning on being there the 14th-20th) and that since she never asks anything of me (which she does, just not often) and knew it was important to her, I should have kept my mouth shut.
We’ve continued to argue about it and yesterday I blocked her for some of the hurtful things she’s said to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Kind of everyone’s a jerk here. She wants to do the surgery on her terms. She might be feeling fragile now she has just hit 50.
You only really want to care for her on your terms – she and her dog are an inconvenience. TBH you don’t sound like best friends in this write-up of yours. There’s a fair bit of passive aggression going on on both sides.
But once you’ve agreed to do something, even against your better judgment, my advice would be to stop with all the barbs, e.g. “Your house isn’t a friendly environment”, “There’s no food”, “you ruined summer”, etc. That way lies extreme discontent.” Squiggles567
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. How in the world is *your* Summer ruined?? Your mother having to stay out of the sun for whatever amount of time doesn’t (have to) impact you one iota. You only need to be there for the first night, and that’s more about having anesthesia than it is the facelift. I mean, it’s not like she’s going to be unable to walk or otherwise be disabled after a facelift. Should have made her house more hospital for your stay and thinking that you owe her for raising you, and you’re both out of line for the name-calling.” WelfordNelferd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ When someone asks you for a favor, you’re allowed to put stipulations on it. For example, you could say that you have time available in winter and you are not available this summer.
You can also say that if she wants you to help her around the house, then she needs to purchase pots and pans and have her dog boarded For those things do not make you ungrateful” [deleted]
13. AITJ For Not Sharing Every Job Opportunity With My Friend?
“I (F18) have a friend, (M18). I have an opportunity to go to Boeing for STEM Day recognition. He is upset at me for not giving him this opportunity. In his notes that we shared, he called me “immature” for not doing so.
He expects me to tell him about every single scholarship, internship, job listing, etc that I find. I agreed when we first started scholarship and job hunting. He ended up recommending me a job that we both applied and interviewed for but I was only hired. I still have this job to this day and climb towards higher ranks faster than any previous employee on record so I thank him for that.
I say this because every argument we get into about these opportunities, he holds the fact he got the job for me.
As time passed, I started just searching and applying to things on my own. I don’t normally send it to him anymore as he is busy looking for his things.
Through our school where we both go and receive the same notifications, I get a notification about the STEM Boeing opportunity through the school and apply to it. The day it was sent out was the day that it was due.
That was a few days ago.
Today in class, I received an update on my laptop regarding the event and opened the email. My friend was sitting right next to me and questions what I was doing.
I told him plainly, “I got a Boeing opportunity through the school canvas College and Career Center.” He goes, “What!? Why didn’t you tell me?” I told him that it was sent out school-wide in the notifications that I know he has on.
He frantically opened his laptop and started applying when I told him the due date was May 28th and that the forms were closed and he looked at me like I betrayed him.
This has happened multiple times before.
This time, I was honest with how I felt and said “it is not my responsibility to tell you every single opportunity I find. We are both adults, we can find it on our own.” He then frustratedly closes his laptop and goes on his phone to play sudoku.
I tried talking to him but then he ignored me. I apologized to him about 15 minutes ago stating that “I didn’t mean to offend” him and that I find it “silly to tell you every single opportunity I come across.” Then I restated the whole “we’re adults” spiel and said, “This is something that I’m going to agree to disagree with.” He responded to that message saying.
“It’s not your problem to decide.” and said he didn’t want to talk about it now. I’m wondering if AITJ is because of the way I handled and treated the situation. Like, I can see how I can be the jerk in some parts but I find his reactions too extreme for the situation.
I don’t ever intentionally leave him out of what I find, he called me selfish for doing so. What would you say?”
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like the reason why you keep getting these incredible opportunities and he doesn’t is because you’re putting in the effort to earn them.
One question: You’ve said you’ve mostly stopped sending him leads because he’s finding his stuff. Is he still sharing those leads with you, or are you both working on your own? Pointing out opportunities he would have missed otherwise is one thing, but he’s expecting you to screen his emails and tell him which ones he should apply to and handhold him through the application process so he doesn’t miss any deadlines.
NTJ.” angelcat00
Another User Comments:
“ESH You don’t need to tell him anything but I do think you need to set the record straight about what you will or won’t do, seeing as he does seem to recommend stuff to you on the assumption that you’ll do the same for him.
Because you did agree to it at first and while he does sound like he’s looking for a mom, you *were* made aware of an opportunity through him, and while you got the job on your own merits, if you hadn’t known about the opportunity you wouldn’t have applied for it either.” First-Industry4762
Another User Comments:
“I’ll go against the grain and vote YTJ. You don’t help friends because you have a responsibility toward them, you do because they’re your friends. I don’t think you should be expected to reach out to him with every opportunity, at least not if he doesn’t reach out to you with every opportunity he finds either.
However, unless he’s completely stopped sending you opportunities then it only seems fair to occasionally send him opportunities about things he’d either be very interested in or ones that are easy to miss, and the Boeing, being one probably was both.” Lopsided_Put4682
12. AITJ For Taking Over And Completing The Website Project Alone?
“I (21F) work for a medium-sized company, big enough to have an internal marketing department but small enough for there to be only one person in that team responsible for working on our website/s.
My department hired a new GM last year and one item on their agenda was separating our department’s website from the primary website. This task was delegated to one website person from our marketing team – my colleague – “Jonathon”.
With no opportunity for anyone in our department to review a draft, Jonathon sent a new website live. It had many errors and inaccuracies, including our business’s name being wrong. I was asked to pause my entire ordinary workload and spend the next 2 weeks exclusively collaborating with Jonathon to get the website up to scratch.
I met with Jonathon and discussed how I planned to collaborate with him. I asked for access to the platform and said I would make minor changes as needed but would refer significant changes to him as the SME.
Initially, I did a deep dive with stakeholders to define the full scope of the new website, something Jonathon hadn’t done. The scope of the site at LEAST doubled. At the end of scoping, I sent an email, and a text message and tried to call Jonathon to review the change in scope and plan how we would be collaborating to complete the required work.
No response.
I continued calling with no answer for the remainder of the week. On Monday of week 2, I decided I was done waiting for a response. If Jonathon wouldn’t work with me promptly, I would get the job done on my own.
Although I am not employed or qualified in anything to do with websites, I happen to have skills in digital media and with this platform from personal projects so I went all out during week 2 with a full revamp of the website (as per my GM’s specific scope), leaving little to no trace of Jonathon’s previous work.
On Friday afternoon, I delivered the project and my GM was exceptionally happy, sharing the work with department heads and execs.
On the following Monday, I arrived at work to a scathing email from Jonathon with tons of big CCs claiming I had gone rogue and destroyed his initial work.
He claimed I overstepped my authority and mismanaged this project in an attempt to show off and that I intentionally rushed the work through by myself to make him seem incompetent or inferior. His leaders seem to have his back, agreeing the way I handled the project was incorrect and that I shouldn’t have been making decisions around aspects of the design or technical details that I wasn’t employed to be making.
I believe I did what was necessary so I could deliver on my due date and get on with my regular work. While I had no malicious intent towards Jonathon, it certainly crossed my mind that doing this could be problematic for him, but promptly decided that wasn’t my problem.
Did I overstep? Should I have tried harder to find an amicable road forward?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to respond by showing all the emails you send asking for his collaboration. Documentation is key here- if you don’t have the documentation you’re gonna look terrible.
I hope you have most of it in writing. Jonathon is about to get fired and he should be fired, first for messing up, then refusing to fix his mistakes, and finally for his inability to work with his co-workers.” fooledbysmile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ since he didn’t respond to you, and it sounds like overall the project was a success. I hope that you have documentation to back up your communication attempts with him if it comes to that because it seems like he’s willing to throw you under the bus to cover his missteps.
In the future though it could be wise to escalate to your manager, a project lead, or an exec sponsor to make them aware that Jonathon was not participating in the work you’d been assigned to complete together.
That way, you’d have had a documented escalation and he wouldn’t be able to try to claim that you’d “gone rogue.” freerange_chicken
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the next steps here are covering your rear.
1. Get your managers involved, it sounds like Jonathan’s already are 2. Gather that documentation. Email threads, phone records, texts, everything. 3. Send an email along the lines of the following: “I reached out to Jonathan on these dates about x y and z aspects when I realized the scope of the project, please see attached documentation.
Given my assigned deadline of Friday week 2, on Monday of week 2, I decided to move forward on the project. I am happy to discuss alternate ways to handle these types of situations moving forward with leadership.” Essentially you want to move the conversation to the future, you’re happy to hear constructive criticism on how you should handle this in the future, not how to punish you or Jonathan for past actions” PlaneWoodpecker843
11. AITJ For Being Upset My Dad Gave My Brother My Mom's Engagement Ring?
“My mom passed away when I was six years old, and my dad buried her with their 2nd wedding band on, and kept the engagement ring and the original wedding band (they got new ones as an anniversary gift for each other 10 years in).
My entire upbringing he always told me when someone wanted to propose to me, he would give them her engagement ring for them to propose with, and growing up it was literally always my dream to be proposed to with that ring.
Around 4 years ago, my brother’s partner (who is an immigrant from Japan) student visa was going to expire so the only real way that she could get a green card quickly was if they got married. My brother was a college student at the time and pretty broke, so it wasn’t like he could afford an engagement ring.
My dad ended up giving my brother the ring to propose with since there wasn’t time for another solution, which really really upset me. The engagement ring didn’t fit her at all, they mentioned they would get it resized (it fits me like a glove).
I don’t see my brother often, but he just moved to my state so I’ve been seeing him more, and I’ve noticed she doesn’t wear the engagement ring, they wear bands they got each other that are on the cheaper side- not gold or silver or metal at all, they’re like dark blue with a really cool design.
I’m not mentioning that to shame the rings at all! They fit their personalities and are some of the coolest wedding bands I’ve ever seen. I only mention it to compare the bands to the engagement ring.
They never ended up getting it resized and it wasn’t her style really, so she just never wears it and it sits in a box somewhere collecting dust since she has no sentimental attachment to it and it always will.
I’m now in a long-term relationship and we’ve discussed getting engaged in about a year. I adore my partner and I know it makes him sad that he can’t propose to me with her ring, too, knowing how much it and my mother means to me.
I worry that he thinks it will ruin his proposal if he can’t with that ring and I don’t want that in his head or this to affect our relationship. Of course, I would say yes even if he proposed to me with a stick he found on the ground lol, but that’s beside the point- it does break my heart a bit to think that I won’t get to be proposed to with my mom’s ring like how I wanted since I was a little girl.
I completely understand the circumstances and that it wasn’t their fault (not mad with my brother or sister-in-law AT ALL, love them lol) but AITJ to be mad that my dad gave it to my brother in the first place when it was supposed to be mine?
My dad thinks I’m selfish and overreacting and we’ve argued several times about it because he refuses to admit that I have a right to be upset about it since we can’t change it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, of course. Suggestion: Ask your brother and SIL if you and your partner could BORROW the ring for your proposal since it was always your dream. If she really doesn’t care about the ring, there’s a chance they might offer it as a gift, but at the very least, it could be the ring for the proposal.” EMcFadden65
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your dad promised the ring to you and then gave it to someone else without really thinking about it (an engagement ring isn’t an emergency, no matter how pregnant she was–there are other rings you can get quickly).
It’s understandable you would be hurt and saddened by that. Could you talk to your brother and ask for the ring, since it does mean so much to you and it was your mom’s ring? Since his wife doesn’t wear it and doesn’t seem to care about it, there’s no real harm in asking, as long as you ask nicely and accept it if the answer is no.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You all sound like a close family who actually care about one another and since the fiance doesn’t wear the ring I don’t think you have much to lose by approaching your brother and having a conversation about this.
Your Dad doesn’t need to be involved at all really since he no longer owns the ring so I’d just have a chat with your brother.” Bn0503
10. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom Over Her Lack Of Understanding About My Job Search?
“I, (21M) have just finished my third year in college. It was by far the most stressful year of college, and I’m in the worst mental state of my life up to this point.
I spent the past 2 months before school ended stressing about classes and what would happen if my grades weren’t stellar. I’ve been working since early March on getting an internship/pharmacy tech job over the summer. I’ve applied for at least 40 jobs and every time it’s the same response.
Either “We’re not looking for anyone working over the summer” or “You don’t have experience in this field yet so we can’t do anything for you.” (Despite this being an entry-level position and I have the certifications).
Aside from this, part of my degree is working an approved internship for a semester. Based on how tough classes were this semester, there is no way I can work a job while in school, which only leaves this summer.
I cannot get a different job, as this would not meet the requirements.
My Dad lives on a farm, so I tend to stay with my Mom during summers as there aren’t openings in my college town or the nearest town to my Dad.
I’ve been home a total of 4 days so far, and every day has been the same. I get a call/text from my Mom about how I am failing in life and need to work immediately. I have gone into detail at least 4 times to her about my situation and how I am trying my best, but nobody is willing to hire me.
At first, I figured that she had good intentions and wanted her son to have a job that he could succeed in. After today, I have no idea what her intentions are. After stepping into my car after speaking face-to-face with a pharmacy employee about a job, I receive a call from my Mom.
When I pick up, I can immediately tell that this was not a civil conversation, but one that was fueled by anger and dissatisfaction from her day. It began with “Why have you not done anything with your summer?” As we went on, things got uglier as I could feel the disrespect and resentment through the phone.
Eventually, one phrase made me snap. I stated that she had no idea how hard I’d worked and the effort I put in every day to get one of these jobs. It simply amazes me how out of touch with the job market she is, especially when you consider she’s had the same job for over 2 decades, and it did not require the amount of work that this entry-level job does.
I’m not sure if it’s generational differences, but I’m over the “Gen Z doesn’t want to work” narrative. I’ve explained my situation day after day, and nothing gets better. I am genuinely doing everything I can.
This fiasco combined with the existing stress from my semester of school has made my life a genuine difficulty and I’m considering seeing a doctor to determine if I’m anxious, depressed, or both.
I’ve never had any symptoms or thoughts before these past few months, but I believe this has changed that. I’d do anything to go somewhere else.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stay with someone else, anyone else. Temporarily stop communicating with mom.
It will make her bonkers, but she’s been doing the same to you. Don’t take her calls, don’t answer the door if she shows up, don’t tell her where you are living, and don’t let anyone convey messages from her.
You’re an adult, so you can choose this. Even if you need to borrow money from your dad or someone else to get by until you find a job, it will be worth it for your mental health.
You can pay them back when you find a job, which you will. This is a stressful time in everyone’s life. You don’t need a parent who is sucking the life out of you while trying to insert themselves as the center of attention.
It gets better; you’ve got this.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you should just let that pass over you. Keep giving her reassurance and do what you can. She’s “mom-ing you”. Ease up on yourself and trust in yourself.
It seems that you are doing everything that you can. Don’t burn any bridges – this will pass.” DMN_LQMT
9. AITJ For Defending My Sister Over Our Mother On Mother's Day?
“I (22m) am the youngest of my siblings. My oldest sister Casey (31f) is my hero. She has done so much for me and the rest of our siblings (23f, 25m, and 26f) and they never acknowledge it and only talk about Casey being a mean person to our mom or saying she should be pulling her weight more when it comes to mom.
Background on our childhood is probably relevant here: Casey never really had a parent. Our parents were both terrible people and our father was in and out of prison. Our mother was super hard on Casey and treated her poorly.
Casey is also the kid who looks most like our father. Our mother was never kind or caring toward Casey but she wanted her to be those things for us, so she pushed our mother to take care of us and would be there in the background trying to make it happen.
But Casey was often left doing a lot too. She walked us all to school when we were little, she didn’t hang out with friends because she was babysitting or taking care of us. Casey’s birthday was forgotten for years and it was pretty much every year until I wrote it down and made sure I brought it up so she’d be celebrated. The rest of our birthdays were celebrated because Casey wrote it down for our mother.
She knew it was pointless doing it for herself because our mother disliked her.
Casey got a part-time job when she was 14 and would help pay for stuff. She saved up to go to prom and spent all the money on us because our mother had none at the time.
She didn’t go to prom. Instead, she worked that night for more money.
I always saw it. My siblings always saw our mother as their hero and would get mad at Casey for fighting with her mother.
They saw our mother as the greatest. And she treated us better generally than Casey but the only reason she was involved with us was because of Casey.
So for Mother’s Day this year, my siblings all wanted to do this big celebration of our mother because she was diagnosed with chronic liver disease and they fear she won’t be around much longer.
Casey wanted no part in it. My other siblings were angry. I told them Casey owed our mother nothing and they fought with me. It was a huge deal and when Casey didn’t show up on Mother’s Day it set them off.
I wasn’t there either and I chose to go to Casey’s and celebrate with her and my BIL and their kids. My other siblings were being so mean to Casey in our group chat so I told them they should be more understanding after all Casey had done for us, I listed examples, given the fact our mother treated her poorly, I listed examples.
I told them Casey was more deserving of our Mother’s Day celebrations and not Mother.
They called me a bad son and a bad brother and said I was sick just like Casey.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but it’s important to recognize that addressing toxic behavior within a family can be a harrowing task. It seems you’ve taken a stand for what’s right, supporting Casey when your other siblings are blinded by their narratives or biases.
Maybe the delivery was harsh, but sometimes strong words are the only ones that can shake people from their complacency. The fact that you see and acknowledge the sacrifice and strength of Casey makes you the opposite of a jerk.
It takes courage to speak up against unfairness, especially within family dynamics. Keep advocating for compassion and understanding. It might just pave the way for a healthier relationship among all of you in the long run.” SuitableClassroom912
Another User Comments:
“NTJ My mum was good, but her ex-partner was a piece of garbage. I took the brunt of his mistreatment because if he was focused on me he wasn’t harming my mum or my younger brother.
My brother thanked me last year for protecting him and apologized for things he did/said to me when he was a kid. As an older sister, I can tell you Casey will feel not happy but happy you recognize her, what she did for you, and what she missed out on.
Ignore your other siblings, just because they got a different version of your mum doesn’t mean Casey is the bad guy and they need to open their eyes and see that. You said in another comment, that you wish she didn’t have to do those things but I can say, she would probably do it all over again to make sure you were safe and looked after, I know I would You sound like a good bloke OP.
Treat Casey like the gold she is.” AmusedPencil274
8. AITJ For Not Socializing With The Strangers In My House And Being Annoyed By Their Disregard For My Allergies?
“One day my dad brought a man home and told me he was going to stay until he found a house for himself. He didn’t know him but the man just arrived in the country and my dad said he thinks he’s a good person so he would let him stay in our guest room for 300€ a month (though I don’t think he’s paying him).
At first I thought, it was just the man but one day I woke up, went to the kitchen and his wife was there. Making eggs. Later on, my dad told me she was his wife and she too would be staying with us.
I don’t mind because I always stay in my room, I don’t like people let alone talking to them but every time I’ve encountered both I’ve always been polite. They ask me for help with their legal documents, jobs, creating accounts, etc I help them then go on about my day.
I don’t care. One thing I’ve realized though is our food supply has been running out quickly. Especially the eggs. My dad goes to work very early and I’m the one who does the groceries. Every morning they fry like 4-5 eggs for breakfast.
I was shocked when I realized that because I couldn’t do that in another person’s house. 4 eggs for breakfast every day ?? And they don’t pay for it either. My dad’s the one who always gives me money to rebuy the eggs.
He doesn’t know how it finishes he just knows his friends eats them. I am not going to lie, that annoys me and I don’t like them. I don’t like people in general I’m introverted and a bit antisocial but I’m not disrespectful or anything towards them.
Not to mention there have been a lot of changes in the kitchen, sometimes I can’t cook when I want to because his wife is cooking. I’m allergic to beef and eating it swells my mouth and tongue.
I don’t know how but I got an allergic reaction last week though I told them both I was allergic to beef and many other things ( I use my stuff to cook but I don’t know how I came in contact with the beef).
Anyway, today the wife called me and told me that I was scaring her. That I don’t come out of my room to talk with them, I should be more cool is what she said. (I did tell them I like staying in my room, I don’t watch TV and I don’t eat breakfast).
(I have an autoimmune disease so there are a lot of things I do or don’t do). She told me I wasn’t welcoming to them and that when I cook my food I take it with me to my room and that’s disrespectful.
I just nodded and continued what I was doing. It has nothing to do with them, I always take my food to my room because again I’m sick and I have a lot of allergies. I was doing it way back before they came here.
I just needed to vent and ask for advice because I felt like I was going to explode. I’ve compromised a lot since they came here and that’s not enough? I don’t know what else to do.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is so mooch-y I am annoyed for you! First of all, they should be buying their food. Secondly, it is not your responsibility to make them feel welcome – they’re your dad’s friends and it’s your dad’s house so that is his problem…not yours.
If you’re uncomfortable addressing the wife, could you explain this to your dad and how the allergic reactions are bothering you? Would he be willing to address this?” Sea-Repeat7146
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re old enough/have enough money to move out… do so.
Because yikes. Having complex allergies/immune issues is hard enough without people in your own home disregarding cross-contamination issues! I am so curious as to why your dad is like this. Is he in a cult with them or something so he feels obligated to host them?
Does he not believe in allergies? Is he simply insane? This is madness and untenable.” sailor_moon_knight
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have a father and don’t need these pseudo-guests suggesting/telling you what to do.
They aren’t respectful of your choices, and that’s on them. As guests, they should be working around the established patterns of the house, not trying to rearrange them to suit themselves. See if maybe your dad can tell them that any “parenting” or concerns they might feel necessary to bring up, they should bring up to him – not you.” BefuddledPolydactyls
7. AITJ For Insisting My Sister Follows My House Rule To Knock And Come In?
“I’m 34F. For years my rule for my house has been “knock, and then come in”.
I have that in place for two reasons:
1. My house is a weird sound trap. Unless I am sat on the sofa in the living room, I cannot hear people knocking. It has become a source of humor for my parcel guy because whenever I order something I include the delivery instruction “Bang on the door like it insulted your mum”.
He thinks it’s hysterical.
2. I have ADHD. This means that I massively struggle with task-switching. If I am loading the dishwasher and someone knocks on the door, it can take me all day to get back to where I was in my day or routine (if at all).
I also work from home, which means that I could be interrupting important / time-sensitive tasks. Having people knock & let themselves in means that I can complete whatever I’m focusing on, which is much less stressful for me.
This has been a longstanding rule that has not caused any drama up until now. My sister (32F) has decided that this rule does not apply to her – she will knock and stand at the door.
My shouting “It’s open” or saying “Just come in” does nothing, nor does my explaining why I have the rule. I am baffled as to why this is a problem, she has let herself in in the past, & she’s why I have this rule in place (she’s twice screamed in my face because I “left her on the doorstep” & was “ignoring her”).
Sunday I messaged & asked if she wanted to come over on Monday. “OK I might, depends how tired I am. Think I’m ill :(“. I sad-react, & don’t hear from her. 11 am Monday there’s a knock at the door.
I am mid-discussion with managers on Teams, I say “Hang on, someone at my door”, & pop them on mute. It’s my sister. She says hi, and marches into my living room, I say “Why did you not just let yourself in?”, & she begins screaming at me that she’s “not having this argument” with me, that she’s “too sick to deal with this nonsense”.
She storms out, and I’ve had enough so I message our family group chat stating that you can let yourself into my home or you can stand on the doorstep until time and tide take you, because this is an accommodation for my disability and I’m sick of having *the only boundary I have* be disrespected.
Dad & Sis are now calling me a jerk cos “it’s just so wrong to violate somebody else’s private space without being expressly invited in”. I said, “I have expressly invited you in. I have created a permanent easement/egress into my home”.
I have offered compromises such as a sign or the “it’s open” thing, but both went unacknowledged. Stepmum is on my side but thinks I need to “give everyone time”, & I’m frustrated cos this has not been an issue until now.
Am I the jerk?? At this point, I have no clue. I’m not great at enforcing boundaries, but I feel like I can’t let this go.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you’re asking for is a pretty simple accommodation.
If it so deeply disturbs her, she can choose not to come over, but getting angry at you over it isn’t cool. I’m physically disabled and sometimes struggle to get to the door, and it’s hard to hear the door in parts of my house.
Regular visitors to my house know they should call or text so I can tell them to let themselves in on bad days, but I prefer to get the door when I’m able. Would something like that work as a compromise for you and her, or would it still be too much of an interruption for you?” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve been very clear, and you’ve never given them mixed signals (because if you had, they would be pointing that out!), so they’re the ones being intentionally rude and disrespectful. Your sis has some other issue with you, but instead of talking to you about it, she’s acting like this is suddenly a problem.
Stand by your boundary. When you invite them over, say at that time “Remember to just come in, don’t wait on the doorstep”. Do this each time for a while – wording it as “remember” keeps it clear that this is always the rule and you’re just reminding them.
Then don’t open the door; I like your wording, “You can let yourself into my home or you can stand on the doorstep until time and tide take you”.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is so ridiculous!
It’s such a small ask, a tiny accommodation so you can finish whatever task you’re doing (because if you have to abandon it you risk not finishing for days or even weeks afterward). You have learned how our persnickety ADHD brains work and found a solution that helps you finish tasks, she’s a massive jerk for not even trying to accommodate you.” Meallaire
6. AITJ For Telling My Brother To Talk To His Kids Without Their Stepmom Present?
“My brother remarried after the loss of his first wife. From his first marriage, he has Kyra (14f) and Landen (12m). From his second marriage, he has Jane (2) and Thomas (4 months).
My brother has been married to “Jen” for 5 years. His late wife “Mary” has been gone for 7.
Kyra and Landen both have been dealing with some difficult stuff for a while. Kyra is getting bullied and the bullying has escalated to the point my brother has been called multiple times and the parents of one of the children involved approached him to apologize.
Landen has struggled in school for many years and was diagnosed with learning disabilities several years ago. This past school year has been his biggest challenge and he gets down about it and his self-esteem has plummeted to an all-time low.
The school has also called about this because it’s become clear in the way he talks about himself, even in class.
My brother and Jen attempted to speak to the kids but they weren’t talking. He wanted to be there for the kids and for them to open up because they don’t talk about it.
When they didn’t open up he decided therapy could help. This is what led to him finding out they don’t want to talk to Jen and don’t want to open up to her. He was distressed when he heard this and wanted to know why.
The counselor said kids won’t always open up to stepparents. My brother said Jen is just a parent though and not a stepparent and the counselor told him the kids don’t see it that way.
The thing is, that was always clear.
But he wanted to believe that because their mom died, they needed a new one and would connect with Jen. Jen wanted to believe the same thing.
So they tried family therapy but the kids would not open up or talk there either and I think it’s reasonable to assume it’s because Jen is there.
My brother certainly believes this is the reason. He has been told the kids do want to speak to him. But he’s frustrated because they won’t talk. But he doesn’t try talking to them alone. He always includes Jen and Jen feels she needs to be included. It has been acknowledged that the kids do need to speak to him at least.
My brother has mentioned this to me before and a few days ago he came to me for advice because “this is such a difficult topic” and I told him it’s not that difficult, he needs to talk to his kids without Jen there.
He said that disrespects her place as their mother figure. I told him he wanted my advice and my advice is to talk to his kids and ask Jen to sit out because they won’t talk to her or open up while she’s there that has been communicated and if he wants to help and support his kids then he needs to be willing to do that and Jen should be able to understand.
He wasn’t happy with me and I wonder if I went too far.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His kid’s needs are way more important here. Fix the imminent things happening to the kids, then they can work on the relationship with Jen.
She needs to back up and let them deal with their issues if she loves them. She can’t force a motherly relationship on grieving children. They’ll just hate her and the damage may already be done” AroundTheWayJill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m a stepmom and have always respected the need for my stepkids to speak with their dad alone. Also, if he ever has anything of importance to say to them, he always speaks with them without me and then if needed, we can also speak about the topic.
It doesn’t undermine my role. Even when both adults in the home are married and the kids are their biological kids, sometimes a child is more comfortable talking to one parent over the other. You never shut down the child’s need to communicate because they only want to speak to one parent.
You don’t allow a bullying or learning situation to continue in the name of both parents (whether bio or step or adopted etc) being present.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your brother and Jen are putting their agenda and egos above what is best for the children.
Besides, sometimes kids feel more comfortable only talking to one parent even when they are both bio parents. Your brother needs to wake up and do right by his children because this could bite both of them in the rear when the kids get older and decide to go LC/NC with him and Jen.” ComprehensivePut5569
5. AITJ For Not Sharing My 'Mom Allowance' With My Financially Struggling Sister?
“My (26F) sister (32F) “Bethy” and I are both stay-at-home moms. I have 1F twins; she has three sons, 6M, 4M, and 2M.
My husband, Micheal, is a master plumber who makes excellent money; he owns his own business, and I couldn’t be prouder of him.
I used to be a librarian; I have my MLS and bachelor’s in Education. During the birth of our girls, on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, we hit a speed bump, and I was injured. I am now an ambulatory wheelchair user and attend physical therapy, as I am learning to walk again.
I hurt from my hips down, but my babies are worth it. We decided I would be a SAHM after my first surgery, and my husband gives me $3000/month to use how I want to, as “payment for being such a good mom” We are extraordinarily blessed financially, and I’m happy being able to see my girls growing up.
Bethy’s husband, Jackson, is an elementary school teacher, but teaching doesn’t pay much in our state. Bethy has been a SAHM for the entirety of her marriage and is used to having to scrimp and save for things.
She asked me out for coffee recently and I accepted. I was chatting with her when I mentioned that our girls would start baby swim classes soon. I was happy the pool was wheelchair accessible. Bethy started ranting about how expensive swimming lessons are and how she could never afford to put her boys in swimming.
I said I was also excited about playgroup this week, as I had been nervous to go the first time we had gone because none of the other moms and dads in the group used mobility aids.
When I mentioned the name of the playgroup I go to with my girls, Bethy became angry because it’s one of the more expensive playgroups.
She was angry because “I knew money was tight.” and “I didn’t even think to invite her and Jackson’s son because then she wouldn’t have to pay for daycare.
She then asked if my husband gave me an allowance. She was a bit angry, and people were starting to stare, so I said yes and asked her to keep her voice down. She wondered how much it was, and I told her.
She asked if I could give it to her, and I told her no because I like to treat myself after my physio appointments, and I want to save as much as possible for a rainy day fund.
Bethy said she and her husband had nothing but rainy days and left the restaurant without paying. I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’m not helping her when I know I could. Still, when I asked Micheal he said that my sister could get a job and reminded me that I became a SAHM because it was something we agreed we were financially stable enough to do as well as because of my mobility limitations.
He also said I deserve nice things and shouldn’t have to give them up just because my sister wants me to.
I feel conflicted, AITJ? If more people think I am, I’ll consider giving her the monthly payment; I feel guilty for not helping.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ except for discussing your allowance with her. The fact and the amount are none of her business. You shouldn’t be subsidizing your sister. It’s not that they’re in desperate need; it’s just that she’d like to have more.
Their financial circumstances follow their choices. Her husband pursued the satisfaction of teaching over something that pays better. She chose the satisfaction of staying home instead of working. They both chose to have three children. Choices have consequences.
She was satisfied with those choices until she compared herself to you. If she’s no longer content, a paying job would bring in more than your allowance.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your family’s money, not hers.
But you’re not very wise to be sharing how much money you get for an allowance. You had to know that once you told her she was going to want it, and now you’ve got more problems than if you didn’t tell her.
You seem to be operating under the idea that you’re sisters so she should be happy for your financial situation, while she’s thinking you’re sisters so you should be her meal ticket so she doesn’t have to work.
Whatever you do, do not agree to give her a certain amount every month because then she will expect it forever. If you do anything, gift something for the kids such as swim lessons. Even that can cause problems.” Parasamgate
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can’t afford for her to be a SAHM. She should be working at least part-time, in the evenings, after her husband gets home from work. That way, they don’t have to pay for childcare.
Yeah, it would suck, as they wouldn’t get much family time in the evenings. But, it would mean they aren’t so tight on funds. You do not have to fund their decisions to have a large family.
They could have stopped at one child, or two. But, they didn’t.” Emotional_Fan_7011
4. AITJ For Not Paying For Additional Spa Services For Mom After Breaking My Leg?
“I, (26F) have 2 older sisters. Sister #1 (31F) and Sister #2 (28F) along with myself agreed to take our mom out to get pedicures (along with our gifts) about a month ago. We all agreed to split the cost and Sister #1 took over all the booking.
We were originally supposed to do the pedicures this coming weekend, but a few days ago I broke my leg. I obviously can’t get a pedicure now and decided I could take my mom out for a nice lunch instead.
Sister #2 came over and I explained my thought process to her. She was understanding and told me I should call the salon to see if Sister #1 could get some of her deposit money back. I called the salon and after explaining the situation they said they would refund my portion of the deposit and my sister would not be charged for me the day of.
Crisis avoided!
However, Sister #1 texts in the sister group chat: “Hey girlies! Our appointment is this Saturday at 3:30 and I thought Mom deserved a little more than just a pedicure so I booked a couple of of other things for all of us, hope that’s okay!
We’ll be doing pedis, a 30 min massage, and a steam facial. It came in at around $225 a person! Please Venmo me before Saturday!” Sister #2 seemed excited but I was flabbergasted!
For background info, Sister #1 is a successful accountant, Sister #2 is a software engineer, and I am a 3rd grade teacher.
$225 is a lot of money for me! I responded to the text with: “Hey! So you guys know I broke my leg and because I originally thought we were just doing pedicures, I called the salon and canceled my portion of the appointment.
They said they would refund you that part of the deposit and not charge you more for my services. I think the two of you are going to have to take Mom without me and I will take her out to lunch beforehand!”
I thought Sister #1 would be understanding, but I could tell she was angry right away because she didn’t text back for HOURS. Later she texted me privately and said that she still expects me to pay for a portion of the services because we all agreed to do this for Mom even before I broke my leg and it’s unfair of me to put that “financial strain” on her and my other sister.
I explained to her that I agreed to PEDICURES before I broke my leg and I had no idea about the other services. I then agreed to pay for my mom’s pedicure entirely by myself to help, but beyond that, I wasn’t going to help.
She was livid. She sent me many nasty texts which I didn’t respond to saying things like “Did you think all mom deserves is a pedicure??!”
I decided to stop responding to her and I Venmo’ed her the $40 for my mom’s pedicure, but other than that I don’t feel like paying!
I never agreed to massages and facials, and if I had known ahead of time I probably would’ve said that was too expensive for me. But should I just suck it up and send her the money?”
Another User Comments:
“You agreed to share the expenses of going for pedicures – explicitly. You made sure that not being able to attend would not incur extra charges for your sisters and mother. Your sister booked these extra services without consulting you or your consent and given your timely cancellation and explanation – her behavior makes her the jerk. You are also NOT obligated to pay for something you obviously can’t participate in.
Another User Comments:
“No Jerks Here.. a pedicure is a nice Mother’s Day gift. You don’t have to spend a fortune to show that you love someone. Text your mom and tell her that you’re sorry that you can’t join her due to your broken leg but you are treating her to a pedicure.
That way your sisters don’t take credit for the whole thing. They can take credit for their contributions respectively. (Also how does a facial and massage cost $635?! I think your sisters were trying to scam you.) ” asecretnarwhal
3. AITJ For Feeling Underwhelmed By My 40th Birthday Celebrations?
“I turned 40 on Saturday. My husband turns 40 in a few weeks too. We have a 5-year-old. I’m not one for big birthday celebrations (never had a party) but this year I’ve been dropping hints to my husband that turning 40 feels like a big deal. Perhaps worthy of a few different ways to mark the occasion etc.
My husband is an appalling gift buyer – so, with two months’ notice, I gave him a very specific list of things he could consider buying me, complete with a link to where to buy them (all mostly Amazon).
He was very generous and bought a number of items on the list though for context, I earn 2.5 times my husband’s salary so it’s not really about the cost – it’s the thought).
However, my actual birthday was meh.
There was no fuss, no breakfast in bed, no evening meal out. Not even a balloon.
I woke up early and my little one joined me in bed to watch cartoons. I opened my presents. We took our little one to the park and then had lunch at a restaurant.
The location was picked by my husband as it was somewhere we could tire our little one out afterward).
Even my mum couldn’t be bothered to visit me – I had to pop down to see her (she lives 20 mins drive away).
That was it. Pretty much like every Saturday. We even stopped at the supermarket on the way home to get pet food and spent the evening on the sofa watching TV.
There was no spontaneity, no surprises.
Not a homemade birthday card from my little one.
My husband did arrange for a lovely birthday cake to be made but with fresh cream which aggravated my IBS (I can’t tell him that as he was so proud he arranged a cake) but after 15 years together I had higher expectations.
On Sunday I woke up to the usual chores of washing, supermarket shopping, and cleaning the house. This annoyed me off as I had imagined at least a low-key birthday weekend where we could do something different.
Maybe arrange a baby-sitter and have Sunday to ourselves? He went swimming whilst I did the shopping.
I couldn’t hide my disappointment and last night I told my husband I was sorry I hadn’t marked by 40th more spectacularly.
I wasn’t looking for a party or fancy dinners – but something to make the occasion feel different, more than a regular birthday.
He said how hurtful my comments were given all his efforts and how difficult it had been hunting down presents, arranging a cake, and trying to manage/guess what I wanted for my birthday.
In contrast, for my husband’s 30th, I arranged a day of surprises then flew him to Paris for a long weekend. His 40th is coming up and I’m doing another day of surprises, a celebratory weekend, with a week’s family holiday later in the year too.
I feel surprisingly disappointed by the whole thing. AITJ? I think ITJ.
I did get lovely presents and it’s hard planning with a small child in tow – but honestly it’s left me feeling so blue and underwhelmed.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. People in this thread seem to have pretty low expectations from husbands, the bar seems to be on the floor. Yes, he bought gifts and arranged a (wrong) cake and lunch, but this is the bare minimum.
It does not have to be an expensive surprise or party if finances are an issue, but some extra attention or fuss would be appropriate for a 40th birthday unless someone explicitly states that they do not want that.
While you could have communicated your expectations more clearly beforehand instead of just dropping hints that 40 is a big deal, it’s not unreasonable to expect something special to mark big birthdays like 40 or 50.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and all the “hE’s NoT a mInDreAdeR” people are ridiculous. You’re not psychic either, but you’re intelligent and kind enough to arrange something nice for your spouse’s birthday, and you weren’t even asking for anything exciting .
. . just SOMETHING. Even if it weren’t such a huge milestone (and it is), I’m side-eyeing your husband for not even getting a babysitter and arranging a date night at a nice restaurant. I suspect that even just that would have made you very happy, and it takes no forethought.” Sorry_I_Guess
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – if you didn’t tell him you wanted a babysitter or to have breakfast in bed he has no way of knowing. What you fail to understand is that while some individuals “love language” (not a fan of that term but couldn’t think of a better way to put it) so to speak is extravagant surprises/planning, it’s not automatic to others because it’s not theirs.
You knew this wasn’t his forte but your expectations were still on a completely different level. The solution to this is to tell your spouse exactly what you want.” Suspended_InASunbeam
2. AITJ For Buying My Own Mother's Day Gift Because My Husband Doesn't Listen To My Preferences?
“I have been married to my husband for 13 years now. Understandably, there is growth in learning a person’s likes and dislikes. Such as I don’t like sentimental items. Such as pre-made frames or vases that say stuff like “Best mom ever”.
(From a child maybe but not an adult man) He would get me these things that just take up an already crowded space and serve no function other than dust collector and had no real thought behind it other than checking a box to pat yourself on the back.
To be honest, on Mother’s Day, I just want something from the kids. Their messy artwork took their time and effort to think about me. If he truly wanted to do something for me after he asked me every year what I wanted. I always say “Clean a room or do a chore.
Watch a movie with me” He just laughs and buys something anyway.
Some things aren’t that bad, like buying me wine, or items for camping, a new knife…
His gifts to me read ‘The wife he wanted vs the wife he got.’ So it started with flowers and trying to figure out my favorite flower.
He told me I was full of nonsense when I said I didn’t like flowers. “Every woman has a Favorite”.
Then plants. I feel bad, they all die.
Jewelry, despite knowing I don’t wear jewelry.
I don’t like the feel of my skin. Irritating thing, he bought it off my credit card, and then looked me straight in the eye and said I always like jewelry. (That was his ex)
Oh then came the poster.
He custom-made a 50” poster (bigger than our TV) it’s one of my favorite TV shows with our names and anniversary on it and about being together forever. 1-this is HUGE, 2- Tacky 3- I like geeky things I can use, not clutter my wall, 4- Is this a low-key threat?
“Thanks, I don’t have a frame for this size.” and I hid it in my closet. The next year he found where I stuffed it and got it full-on framed, and then re-gifted it to me the next year.
I mean I like my husband but only like half the time. *chuckles* He put it on the wall of Kid’s art for all to see.
Back to Plants-Succulents better chance of living. Still die.
I mean I feel like the only person he knows is his mom and ex he keeps getting things she would enjoy with her house full of plants and 5 jewelry boxes.
Now, I do love that he takes kids shopping, and my kids are so good at looking for things that make them think of me.
I wish he would stop trying to take me out on Mother’s Day.
I just want to stay home with popcorn and watch a movie. But he insists on taking us out, and of course, it is crowded and of course, there are only so many places I can go because I have celiac.
He just complains the whole time making everyone miserable.
So AITJ for buying me a dragon, a movie, and a box of popcorn for Mother’s Day.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – he’s the one not listening to your very blatant requests.
He’s even doing stuff that is more effort and money than you’re asking for, and it sounds like he redirects it at you for not being happy… The things you have consistently not been happy with and did not ask for.
The first few times, I could understand getting to learn a partner’s preferences – but he’s so far past that point now. Please, please elaborate on the dragon you’ve purchased. I want a dragon.” Separate-Mess-5890
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I feel your pain because my husband *sucks* at gifts, too. I collect Sailor Moon stuff, I read a ton, and have a hobby aquarium. He gets me things like glass turtle sculptures, those roses preserved in platinum, or weird jewelry that I don’t wear, either.
One year, he just… didn’t. We were broke, I told him all I expected was something small, just a card would be great. He was completely baffled when I was irate that he couldn’t even do something that simple.
The next day, he went to Walmart and bought me 5 of those animatronic Mother’s Day plushies… on clearance… and didn’t get why I was still mad. I gave up after that. He just isn’t good at gift-giving (it isn’t just me.
He’s horrible at it with everyone), and it’s less stressful for all of us if I just do it myself. It’s still disappointing, but at least now I get the things I want. This year, I got myself a school of panda Corydoras for my aquarium.” necianokomis
1. AITJ For Being Upset That My Partner Couldn't Find A Pillowcase In A Labeled Box?
“I (36 F) recently reorganized a closet with extra bedding supplies. On one shelf: two large zippered bins with clear front windows holding blankets.
On the shelf above: smaller boxes with various bedding. Each of the smaller boxes is labeled on the front with what is inside.
After I got home from work this evening my partner (38 M) told me that he couldn’t find a pillowcase.
He then said “instead of searching for it, I decided to wait until I could ask you” like it was an extremely thoughtful gesture. I told him it would be in the box labeled “pillowcases” to which he said “I didn’t see anything labeled.” We verified we were discussing the same closet.
Frustrated, I lead him upstairs and pointed out the labels and he said, “I was only looking at the lower shelves and there aren’t labels there. Also it was dark so I wouldn’t have been able to see the labels.”
At this point I’m very frustrated. I ask him how he can say that he looked for something if he didn’t actually look. He says he never would’ve expected to see labels like that and his whole life he’s just dug around until he found what he was looking for.
He then goes on that he knew I’d worked hard to organize this so he didn’t want to mess it all up by looking through everything to find what he was looking for.
At this point I’ve made it clear that I’m really annoyed. I tell him it’s frustrating that I basically dummy-proofed it and he still can’t find it.
He says he doesn’t want to keep talking about it. I told him I never wanted to talk about it, that’s why I’d labeled all of the boxes.
Then he starts talking about how impossible it is to know what’s going to make me mad.
He said he knew if he’d taken all of the boxes down to look through them, I’d be mad. So he decided to wait and just ask me where it would be, but I’m still mad.
He says that no matter what, I’m always just going to be mad.
I tried explaining that there were other options, like he turned on a light and used his eyes to read the labels, or, after I stated they were in a box labeled pillowcases, he went and checked the closet again before stating he didn’t see anything labeled.
He keeps telling me I’m acting like he’s done something wrong and I tell him I think he has. Then he tells me that I “clearly don’t understand” and explains again that he was doing a nice thing by not just pulling everything down and waiting to ask me where things are.
I’ve asked him to go explain this situation to any woman that he knows and see what they say. He won’t.
I feel like he didn’t actually try and then waited to get me to do it for him but is trying to tell me I should be appreciative of this extra work he’s bestowed upon me.
He says he thinks he was doing a nice thing by not messing up the organized closet and that I’m being mean for insinuating that he’s “a dummy.” He says he now doesn’t feel safe asking me questions because I’ll make him feel stupid.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Weaponized incompetence, OP. Basically, your husband’s script is: “I know what what I could have done, in fact I knew exactly how to do it. I just resent your asking me to do it.
So when I do the worst job ever at looking for pillow cases in the box clearly marked pillow cases, that’s just me getting back at you for even daring to ask me to look for them myself.
Plus, you’re so much better at it than me, so why couldn’t you do it? Why are you so mad? I’m paying you a compliment; you know all about the flimsy household stuff I don’t care about?
Isn’t that your area of expertise? Fine…if you’re going to get mad then just do everything yourself from here on out. There! I was just doing you a favor. Hmph!”” SheLikesToWatch_1989
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It seems like it’s pretty obvious to turn on the light / aim his phone’s flashlight into the closet if you’re looking for something, and to look a bit more thoroughly before you give up.
Also, it’s not like if he did have to open boxes to poke through them he couldn’t have just cleaned it all back up and put everything back in place.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here you rearranged everything thing in a way that made sense to you did not make sense to your partner and only tried to explain it over the phone.
Then you went straight to angry, if he had gone through and looked for it you also would have been angry because things would not have be put back right. He could have looked” Dry-Being3108
