People Show Us Exactly Who They Are In Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Car To My SIL For Their Vacation?
“My SIL and family annoy me already. But she called my husband and cried about how much money their plane tickets were so my husband, in an effort to be nice, started making suggestions on ways to save money – including using my car so they didn’t have to rent one.
He never asked me and it came up today – 5 days before their trip.
I flat-out refused. He never asked, his sister isn’t a good driver, their kids are pigs in the car, and I’m already doing stuff for their arrival. I don’t think it’s my job to pay for part of their vacation.
I have already been asked to do research for their vacation instead of them doing it. And they are planning all these theme parks already with high ticket costs so a car rental shouldn’t be out of the question. If they can’t afford it don’t come.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I am constantly amazed at the generosity of people with the belongings of other people. Your husband has no right to commit to letting anyone use your car without talking to you first. Tell him if he wants to help them out with the expenses of their trip, he should feel free to let them drive his car.
When he replies “but I need it” you can then point out that you need your own car. Good luck with this.” Infamous-Wasabi-9007
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s incredibly presumptuous of him to lend out your car without bothering to ask you. If you give in to this, expect it to become the expectation every time your SIL visits you in the future.
She can rent a minibus with all the money she’s saving from her flights, or she and her offspring can walk or use public transport. Either way, not your problem, especially as she somehow has the money to take the whole family to expensive theme parks (in the plural).” Easymodelife
Another User Comments:
“This is where jerk-tax comes into play. Muck up the house and trash it? Congrats! You’ve just won the jerk tax of paying for a complete professional home cleaning followed by a month of scrubbing toilets. Eat all your housemate’s food? Congrats – you’ve just opted for the jerk tax of a full month of groceries plus washing up.
Offer your spouse’s car without checking with them? Congratulations! You’ve just volunteered to fully pay the jerk tax of a week’s mini-bus rental. NTJ – and tell him not to forget the child seats.” Flashy-Promise-6915
21. AITJ For Not Wanting My SIL's Baby Shower The Day After My Wedding Celebration?
“My SIL has been downright nasty to me for the better part of 6 years. I’ve tried reaching out to mend the relationship (all while not understanding what I did (short of existing) to deserve her nasty attitude. I put her in my wedding party because MIL got upset I hadn’t considered it.
Now, she wants her baby shower the day after the wedding, when typically the family gives a morning after brunch.
MIL is adamant about doing it… secretly planned it, then only “asked” us our feelings when other BIL/SIL said she needed to. MIL basically said our feelings for wanting the weekend for us were wrong, and this was happening.
When I said something about how she’s treated me (not the 1st time MIL has heard this… there was another convo last summer), she basically said “I don’t want to hear it anymore… it hurts my feelings.”
SIL sucks the air out of all rooms, I’m 99% sure, somehow, someway, she will make our wedding about her…
Long story short, but I’m over all of it.”
Another User Comments:
“Sorry SIL & MIL, I’ll be too busy nursing my hangover and have already committed to plans with my family/husband (if you haven’t looped him in, do so and make sure he is on board).
Also just because MIL says it’s not fair she’s included in the bridal party, doesn’t mean she HAS to be in it. It’s not her wedding. It’s not her bridal party. She has ZERO say no matter how much her feelings are hurt, I’m sure SIL will help her get over it.
I have a suspicious feeling that no matter what you say or do in regards to SIL, she or MIL will make it about her anyway. Pick your battles, but definitely a hill to die on about including her in YOUR bridal party. NTJ.” HunterDangerous1366
Another User Comments:
“How much would you want to bet she is having a revenge pregnancy to counteract the attention on you for getting married? Because it sounds like she is having a revenge pregnancy to counteract the attention on you for getting married. However, if it’s that side of the family that normally does brunch, you have two options: 1) do the brunch yourself and have a revenge brunch to match her revenge pregnancy or 2) don’t do a brunch.
You don’t have to go to the baby shower either.” Tmoran835
20. AITJ For Not Wanting My Son's Father To Move In With Us?
“I (18f) have a 1yo son with my “ex” (18m). I put “ex” in quotes because we never really were in a relationship before he broke up with me, I’m pretty sure he’s gay or something, not just because he broke up with me, there’s a ton of other factors as well.
Ever since our son was born, in fact before our son was born, he hasn’t liked the fact that I’m the primary caregiver. He thinks it’s unfair our son lives with me. He’s been honest about thinking about taking me to court but doesn’t think he’d get 50/50 at this age and doesn’t want to go the court route anyway.
So now he’s asking to move in with us (I live with my parents).
I don’t think I want that. He lives quite far away so visiting regularly is hard for him, so he not only will it be easier for him, he thinks it’s only fair and “better for both of us”, I guess referring to trying to keep up us out of court.
My parents are surprisingly okay with this. My mom especially thinks I have no good reason to say no to him. Both my parents though agree it’s my decision. WIBTJ If I didn’t let him stay with us?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, but after reading your comments, you far more than he is.
You seem to be putting your personal interests well ahead of your child’s, and you’re very immature (not surprising for a teenager). He’s a bit of a jerk for wanting to move into your parents’ home when you’re uncomfortable with that, but it’s also hard to blame him when you’re being shockingly controlling and uncompromising about allowing him to co-parent in any MEANINGFUL WAY.
In every single comment, you just keep repeating that your child “should be with you full time” and that “it’s working fine with him just visiting”. But neither of those things is true in any objective sense. Any court, and any child development expert, will tell you that the best thing for children is to have BOTH PARENTS FULLY INVOLVED, particularly when you have a co-parent who has made it clear that this is absolutely what he wants and is committed to.
You are the one who is stonewalling and preventing real co-parenting from happening here. You’re the one who wants to only give him visitation when he wants to actually parent his own child. You’re the one who doesn’t have a license to share travel duties and doesn’t seem to be interested in getting one, leaving the entire burden of going back and forth between homes on the father.
And you’re the one who won’t compromise beyond what you personally prefer, even if it’s better for your kid. Everyone sucks here, but honestly, mostly you’re the jerk for being completely unreasonable and uncompromising. It’s no wonder the father is seeking desperate solutions at this point.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Do not move in with him. That is a bad idea and leaves you dependent in a way you do not want to be. You can make your own custody agreement without going to court in some states. Even in the absence of that option, a judge is unlikely to rule on custody if you reach a custody settlement (a mutual agreement between you and the father) and just have that codified by the court.
That said, I am not a lawyer.” thirdtryisthecharm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting him to live with you. However, you are the jerk for actively trying to keep him away from his son. And you don’t get to say your son is better off with you than his father.
That’s a real mean thing to say. You are both 18 and sounds like both live at home. So why is your son better off with you? Maybe his home is just as stable as yours and he could say the same thing. To say that a child is better off with mom over dad is nonsense and makes you a GIANT JERK!!” KaleidoscopeOdd9163
19. AITJ For Folding The Pages Of My Friend's Books?
“I (F19) recently completed my 2nd semester at uni. One of the units I took last semester involved a lot of reading and required books. My friend (F19) is someone who enjoys reading. I asked them if they had any of the books I required and if I could borrow them until I no longer needed them.
She was okay with letting me borrow some books.
Recently, I returned the books to her and she asked why some of the pages were no longer completely straight. I mentioned that I folded the page when I stopped reading. She then went off on me and was super upset that I treated her books that way.
She called me a jerk, has stopped talking to me, and has blocked me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. When you borrow someone else’s belongings, you leave them in the same condition they were. You should not be damaging borrowed books by folding the pages, there are bookmarks for that.” treatyourselftocats
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but I saw from your responses that you already figured that much. Personally, I am a huge book nerd and I love my books. I even get kinda sad when I accidentally crack the spine of one of my paperbacks hahah.
I could give you a million tips on how to protect books better and bla bla bla. But I think the principle is: when you borrow someone’s stuff, you should return it in the same condition that you got it in. Things like cracking a spine are fine in my opinion cause with some books it’s almost impossible to not crack it, but folding pages is so unnecessary and it damages the book… I have literally used receipts, face masks, ripped-out pages of notebooks, pens, pictures as bookmarks because I didn’t have one at hand.
I am glad to see that you seem apologetic and want to buy new books for her! Please just double-check that you’re getting her the same version of the book (or another that she is also okay with). For example, if you were to “replace” my 40 euros special edition version of a book with a simple paperback, I would be pretty angry.
Oh and if she is anything like I am she might also have some preferences with which cover of the books she wants haha. (Sometimes covers differ between the UK and the US and most “book nerds” have strong preferences).” Supportiswelcome
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
I would go ballistic if someone folded pages in my books. I use a bookmark, a piece of paper whatever I can grab. Please apologize sincerely, buy a bookmark for yourself, and ask your friend if she would like the damaged books to be replaced by you.
Tell her that you will be extra careful if she gives you a second chance and show her your bookmark. An honest apology can go a long way, she might even be skipping the opportunity to get new books. If someone showed me they really were sorry and their apology is sincere I would not ask them for a replacement.
But without apology, I would definitely want new books.” Explain_your_sneeze
18. AITJ For Letting My Son Eat My Husband's Dessert?
“This took place while we were out for dinner with my brother’s family. Everybody ordered dessert and my 4-year-old son wanted a dessert I knew he wasn’t going to like but he and his cousins saw a waiter walk past with it and all wanted it and none of them could be discouraged so that’s what they got.
My son predictably hated it and asked if he could have his dad’s dessert. My husband had excused himself to take a phone call so I couldn’t ask him but he never eats dessert and I was positive he had only ordered it because he knew our son wouldn’t like what he ordered. So, I let him have it.
My sister-in-law called me out for letting him take it and said it was rude and that I should make him eat what he ordered. I told her it was okay and my husband could order another one when he came back if he really wanted it but that only made her more upset with me.
My brother agreed with her and said it wasn’t good for me to let my son have whatever he wants.
When my husband came back, he didn’t even react to the dessert being eaten.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. It’s not really your SIL’s business.
She’s also not wrong that it wasn’t a great call. You’re teaching your kid that it’s OK to waste food and help himself to someone else’s dessert if he doesn’t want what he ordered, without even asking. Given that she has young kids also at dinner who see everything, I get why she was annoyed. Personally, I’d have mildly complained to my husband after instead of saying something to you.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ all of these people advocating for strict discipline are being absurd. Your son got excited about a food he saw, he tried it, didn’t like it and you gave him something he would like instead. And the person who that item belonged to didn’t care.
I don’t get the hysterics over this. If her husband wanted a new dessert when he got back he would have ordered one. This whole situation shows what a good partnership you have with your spouse in regards to parenting your son and I hope you continue to encourage trying new foods and being accommodating when your kids don’t like them.” VROF
Another User Comments:
“In general etiquette sense – YTJ. Don’t give away someone else’s food. Your son could have waited for Dad to get back, after all, he was the one who caused the issue and he can sit and wait a few minutes without a dessert.
You ‘were’ kind of treating him like an entitled little kid who gets what he wants. A snowplow parent. However, your brother and SIL don’t know your dynamic, and only you know if your husband would be OK with it. It would be interesting to hear what his take was on it.
This would have been a great teaching moment for your kid. ‘You ordered the dessert, and you didn’t like it….you have to wait for dad to get back to the table to see if you can have some of dad’s dessert’. If you treat everything on the table as his, he won’t learn boundaries.” tinny36
17. AITJ For Not Apologizing After Mistaking My Supervisor For Janitorial Staff?
“I work in media, in a team that travels around for different projects, which means every week or so we get dozens of new co-workers we’ve never met before.
Recently I was preparing for the day ahead, getting some packages ready to distribute.
I needed help with some equipment, and an on-site associate said they’d send the janitorial staff down to assist.
The next person who came up to me was an older black woman, who approached me and said “hi!”
I responded, “oh hi there are you the help?”
Then chaos. This person stormed off, unmistakably irate. About 5 minutes later I get called into the office of my boss’s boss.
The angry woman from earlier was there, and she wanted an apology.
She wasn’t the help, after all, but one of my upper supervisors.
She believed my assuming she was ‘the help’ was a racial bias.
I explained it was not.
She explained: she was selling her house, and found many of the prospective buyers she opened her door to assume she was the help, and asked about the lady of the house.
Now, I understand previous experiences like this might make you raw, and quick to draw conclusions, and I am sorry she experienced that.
But I refused to apologize for making the assumption. Because it wasn’t rooted in race.
Am I being culturally insensitive here or right to stand by my principles of not apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“Even if we take you at your word, just because you “didn’t intend” for harm to happen, doesn’t mean that harm isn’t felt. If I fell on you while holding a knife, completely by accident and of no ill will, I would still apologize profusely for hurting you.
You probably wouldn’t like it if I refused to because I never intended to hurt you, or just said “sorry you feel that way”. It’s just on me to learn how to prevent falling around with knives. In this case, the knife is institutionalized racism and privilege.
YTJ.” broccolicat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. The impact of your poorly thought-out action matters more than your intent. In the future, rather than assuming why someone is there, I suggest you actually ASK. Then the drama of your pesky assumptions can be avoided. I also think it’s pretty telling that when you saw an “older, black woman” you couldn’t conceive of them being anything but janitorial staff and you might want to reflect upon internalized racial prejudices.
Refusing to apologize in this scenario, when regardless of the why, you presumed a black woman in a supervisory position was actually a janitor, looks bad. Making this hill to die on, rather than acknowledging you messed up, yeah you are the jerk alright. You made the assumption, it’s your mess up, you make it right.” Lilitu9Tails
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, YTJ. I get that it was an “honest mistake” in your mind, but unless someone is wearing a specific crew / professional outfit with their company name on it, you have no idea what they do. Whether it’s this woman or someone else you just randomly see on the street, do you really know what they do?
You can draw inferences, but if you see a “nerdy” looking person do you just assume they work in IT or are a gamer? Probably not. My point being that while I do think it’s possible you subconsciously assumed she was a janitor because of her race, it doesn’t matter.
You owed that woman an apology because you were a jerk and assumed what she did based really on nothing to go off of….” PuertoRicoRules
16. AITJ For Getting A Tattoo Despite My Husband's Disapproval?
“Before my husband and I got married I had 2 tattoos. When we got together he expressed that he despised tattoos. We had a discussion that he claims didn’t happen and I agreed I’d get one more. 8 years later, I got a cover-up tattoo, and then for spring break, after he said if I “got the house completely cleaned I could get whatever I want”, I got a new tattoo.
This one, unlike the other two, is not in a spot that is easily hidden as it’s on my thigh. He says he is hurt that I got a tattoo and didn’t discuss it with him, even though I had mentioned that I wanted one while away for spring break.
We’ve had numerous talks/arguments about it. He wants me to get it removed and can barely interact with me in an intimate way now. He says I’m a jerk for getting something knowing he absolutely despises them. Tattoos make me happy. He says I’m choosing my happiness over his and am ultimately ruining our marriage.
Am I the jerk for getting it in the first place and now for not wanting to get it removed knowing how much he hates them?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ but why would you ever marry someone who despises tattoos? That should have been a deal breaker.
I have tattoos and honestly, I wouldn’t even see someone who didn’t like them. He doesn’t get a say in how your body looks or what you do with it and he shouldn’t have married a tattooed woman if he didn’t like them. He is being selfish acting hurt.
It doesn’t hurt him, he just doesn’t like that he can’t control you. He is stupid to ever think his happiness should have some stake in your bodily autonomy. Your body and its art is for you. If you enter a relationship with a tattooed person then expect them to continue getting tattoos as they please.
I don’t see how this relationship will last. Tattoos are forever….controlling husbands don’t have to be.” PixelMarshmellow
Another User Comments:
“Ew. OK, I think partners should at least hear out their partners on tattoos and things like that, but your husband is a complete jerk.
“He said if I “got the house completely cleaned I could get whatever I want.” Er, that’s not OK, he doesn’t get to give you jobs to earn what you do with your own body. “He says I’m choosing my happiness over his and am ultimately ruining our marriage.” No, it’s him ruining the marriage, it’s he who has the problem here, not you.
I totally get people not liking tattoos, sometimes they look great, and sometimes they don’t. I get why some people find them quite unattractive. But the way he is treating you over this is just nowhere near OK. You like tattoos, he doesn’t, but it’s somehow on you to acquiesce to his wants.
Sorry, but you married a jerk.” Pale_Height_1251
Another User Comments:
“Given that most commenters saw “bodily autonomy” and reacted without any other intelligent thoughts I feel a need to clean some things up. The question asked is whether OP is the jerk for getting the most recent tat and her handling after that.
Repeat this is NOT about bodily autonomy at all (at least not centrally). It’s about boundaries between a married couple. This is either ESH or YTJ. It can be debated whether the husband’s desires are unfair. It can be debated that he is too “strict” or “traditional”.
It can be debated that he accepted the tattoos as he married OP.
However, OP’s transgressions are undebatable marriage violations. Whether or not you agree this is a battle worth fighting the husband does and that’s what matters here. OP married the guy and his position on the issue was crystal clear.
(If you argue that husband accepted by marrying – turnabout is fair play) OP violated that boundary. Not even with clear respectful discussion or in the case of the second tattoo. OP acted solely in OP’s interest and desire which is fine and all but – consequences exist. Yes OP has the right to choose what to do with her body but she also has a right to the consequences.
Regardless of “get whatever you want” it would take a serious level of delusion to think he would approve of the tattoo. Any consequences are 100% on OP full stop. PERIOD! This was a completely predictable response so OP 100% signed up for this. OP sucks for a hard boundary violation.
Husband sucks (debatably) for being “too traditional” One is a soft YTJ, one is a hard YTJ. So ESH (with husband sucking a lot less) or YTJ. In no way is OP NTJ.” Napalmicide
15. AITJ For Snapping At My Mom About Waxing My Legs?
“My mom (44f) keeps wanting me (13f) to wax my legs. I’m Indian, so I have dark, thick hair on my legs that’s very visible.
I don’t mind it, though. I think a gentle breeze through my leg hair is the best feeling in the world lol. My mom doesn’t have the same stance. I think she was bullied as a child because of her leg hair so she’s pressuring me to wax mine off even though I don’t want to.
She keeps telling me that I would look “cleaner” without them and that people would call me bad names. What???
Some random girls from school made comments once when I was wearing shorts about me being a “yeti”, and I think my mom heard because she was nearby, so maybe that’s where this is coming from.
I’m a fairly secure person though, like if you think I’m ugly then avert your eyes it’s not that hard.
Earlier today, my mom made yet another comment saying that “it would look much nicer if I got rid of my hair” and I kind of snapped. I told her that “there’s no reason to try and give me random insecurities” and that “she can police her own body but not mine.”
I get that she’s coming from a good place and that she’s trying to protect me from bullies and stuff, but I’m fine! Like, I really genuinely feel good about myself and my body as a whole. I just don’t see a reason to make myself conscious about myself in that way, and I’m trying not to internalize her comments.
So, should I have at least been nicer?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To protect you from being bullied, your mom is…bullying you. That’s some great parenting logic there. It’s your body. You get to make the decisions about hair removal, including not doing any at all.
If you’re happy and comfortable, that’s what matters most.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is a classic situation for Indian moms and teenage girls and it hasn’t quite gotten to jerkery yet. Also, you’re a teenage brown girl… who’s secure about her body hair?
You’re way ahead of the game here. Let’s not worry about whether your reaction was “nice” but about whether it could be more effective. The potential problem is that accusations invite your mom to protest “What? I’m not trying to give you random insecurities or police your body!” which can start an argument that seems relevant but is just a distraction.
Don’t make it about her when it’s about you.
A useful technique in a situation like this is to repetitively insist on your decision (you don’t want to wax your hair) while also softly AGREEING with the other person. “Maybe it would look nicer, but I like it how it is.” Surely then she points out that people will make fun of you.
“Maybe they will make fun of me, but I like my legs like this.” Surely then she laments that you never listen to her. “I could probably do a better job of listening to you. But I like my body how it is.” Repeat till the other person runs out of steam.
You want it to be boring for someone to try to push their opinion on you. You may also want to look up Nonviolent Communication and I-statements to be able to share your feelings about this issue without making it about her. “Mom, when you tell me to wax my leg hair, I feel BLANK, because I need BLANK.
Would you consider BLANK?” Fill in the blanks. Note that assertive communication techniques do not magically change anyone’s mind or make everyone happy— but they do address your concerns about being insensitive.” Human8478
Another User Comments:
“”I get that she’s coming from a good place”.
Your mum is coming from generations of socialization that can be a good/bad/neutral place depending on many factors. Her mother/grandmother/great-grandmother told their daughters that dark skin and hair were bad things and should be removed if at all possible. It had a huge impact on generations of Indian women and she is passing that to you.
Gently remind her that you are not growing up in the same world and you are capable of handling the nonsense from other people, and she needs to step back. Try to respond firmly but positively rather than accusingly, this is about you and your body, not her.
No jerks here.” Polly265
14. AITJ For Refusing To Attend Family Gatherings Due To In-Laws' Racist Behavior?
“My wife (57F) and I (55M) have been together for a long time. I have never been a fan of my in-laws. Over the years, they have become increasingly openly racist. Whenever they said something awful in the past, I would just go for a walk.
Then our children came along, and nothing changed. We would still attend holiday gatherings, but when the in-laws would start behaving badly, we would leave. I was blamed for cutting things short and asked to apologize. I never did, and my wife never explained that we didn’t want our children around such hateful behavior.
When our children’s neurodiversity became obvious, and I recognized my own, things got worse. Thanksgiving dinner devolved into the grandparents repeatedly telling our children to stop small things like anxious hair twirling and tics that they couldn’t control. The last time we were at a holiday gathering, my children were clearly uncomfortable with the way they were being treated. We started to leave but then the kids felt bad because they love their grandparents.
I ended up leaving by myself. I stopped going to these events, but I didn’t stop anyone else from doing the same.
Over the past few years, their talk has even worn my wife down. She doesn’t even like talking to them on the phone.
Well, on a recent phone call, she laid into them about how awful the things they say are. They were shocked that she had such a low opinion of them. There was no apology, just lame excuses and rationalizations that my wife accepted. They were on speakerphone and I heard everything.
After that, we were asked to join Thanksgiving dinner again as they are getting old and have medical issues. I agreed because I heard them make a serious attempt to look better to my wife. Well, it has been a week and they are back saying horrible things.
My wife asked me to keep quiet when we go. I told her I was quiet for years and I won’t do it again. She has decided we shouldn’t go (kids included) and is upset with me. To be honest, our holiday dinners have been so quiet and relaxing just on our own for the past few years that I don’t mind.
At the same time, I was an orphan and did not have any real attachment to anyone but my kids. Right now there is no argument and the plans seem final. WIBTJ for letting the plan stand and my wife not seeing her elderly parents because they cannot keep things civil?”
Another User Comments:
“Hello no NTJ. Let those old racists pass away on their own. You’re not just protecting yourself but you should also protect your children. Being mistreated by someone is one thing… being mistreated by someone you love is incredibly damaging so instead of having your kids berated on a holiday for being who they are do something nice with them and have a great holiday and show them that they’re loved.” Due-Passenger7093
Another User Comments:
“Yeah. No. Don’t bring your kids around that. My grandpa (born 1925) said some things that raised my eyebrows but it was always followed with a positive. “I liked that (slur) so much! Whoda thunk?” It was explained to me that different generations…well.
But he genuinely liked everyone! He was a people person. Not trying to be rude. Never. My grandma had a disabled brother and grandpa was always the first to volunteer to take him camping or fishing or just out for the day. “Just gonna go check in on Barney.”” Simple_Guava_2628
Another User Comments:
“If your wife wants to capitulate to them that’s on her or as the saying goes: the only way for evil to triumph is for good people to say and/or do nothing. Yes…there’s a very good reason why your stress is lowered, being around toxic people during the holidays is one of the leading causes of stress so why put yourself through it?
And their behavior is completely up to them to modify…they want to see the grandkids, then they can bring themselves to act civil for a few hours.” ConsitutionalHistory
13. AITJ For Telling My Ex He's Responsible For Our Son's Transportation During His Custody Time?
“I’m 23F and I broke up with my ex-partner, who is 28M, because it wasn’t working between us anymore.
I couldn’t see any solutions because it kept happening again and again and after 4 weeks everything was back to normal.
Now he has our son every other weekend. In the beginning, he didn’t even ask but simply decided that I would bring him our son because he doesn’t have a driver’s license.
I then told him that it wasn’t my responsibility to see how he picks up our son and brings him home, his mother drove him and that was fine.
He took care of it. Now it’s the case that his mother doesn’t have time to pick up our son and he can’t find a replacement, so I’ve offered to drive our son to him.
Now he’s annoyed because I’ve offered him this solution, even though I said before that I wouldn’t drive anymore. Yes, I said I wouldn’t drive if he didn’t take care of finding a replacement, but since he had really taken care of it, I wanted to accommodate him.
But it looks like he doesn’t want me to drive our son to him and apparently prefers to give up his weekend with our son.
So am I the jerk because I told him he had to find a replacement himself, but still offered him a ride in an emergency situation like this?”
Another User Comments:
“”I was willing to do you a favor because I assumed you actually want to see our son, and it’s good for him to have a fairly stable routine. I have no idea why this is upsetting for you that I’m willing to do something one time — when your arrangements fell through — just because I’m not willing to be your primary solution.
But okay, fine. You should be using this time to figure out what your backup plan will be the next time your mother isn’t able to help you out.” NTJ. Your ex seems unreasonable…I guess we can see why he’s an ex.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but please stick to the boundaries you lay out. It should be his responsibility to provide transportation for his custody time. Please keep all communication to written media like text or email, and keep a record of how often he actually sees his child.
Do not bend over backward to make things easy for him. If his child is important to him, he will prioritize spending time however he can. If he can’t be there in person he should be asking for video calls. Don’t let this man swan in and out of your child’s life.
He can make a commitment and fulfill it or he can go ahead and decide not to be present.” FairyCompetent
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like he wants to not see his kid. In many cases where transportation is a problem, courts will say that the person who is getting the child is responsible for transportation.
In other words, if he wants to have him for the weekend, he has to come pick him up, and when it’s time for you to have him back, you’re responsible to go pick him up. It’s kind of you to offer transportation, but his refusal gives the feeling that he doesn’t want to take his son.
I’m not surprised, most likely his mother won’t be available to take on the burden of parenting. I see this a lot. Document everything. When you go for support, he may fight for more custody to save him money. Documenting his refusal to take the child for visitation will help you prove his true motivation.” dawno64
12. AITJ For Warning My Brother About His Wife's Toxic Behavior Towards His Kids?
“My brother (36M) and his wife Emma (35F) have known each other for the best part of 2 decades.
They were in the same friend group toward the end of high school and lost touch after graduation for a while, but ended up reconnecting when the larger friend group reconnected. Then Emma moved away and they lost touch again. In that time my brother got married and had his kids (11M & 9F).
Emma moved back about 5 years ago and started spending more time with the old friend group, my brother included. However, they didn’t seem to get closer until after the death of one of their shared friends.
My brother’s marriage to the mother of his children was never super great.
It only got worse when the kids were no longer babies however and they separated 4 years ago. Their divorce was finalized a little over two years later.
Before the divorce was finalized my brother and Emma started seeing each other. They broke up briefly and got back together but Emma’s attitude toward the kids’ mom was incredibly negative around the time of the breakup and remained the same after they got back together.
Emma and my brother got engaged fast and then my brother’s ex, the kids’ mom, died.
The kids weren’t happy about living with Emma and less so about Emma trying to step into a motherly role for them. They know how she felt about their mom and with her gone the loyalty pull was stronger and the dislike for Emma more intense.
My brother and Emma’s wedding day was a disaster and the kids protested the whole way through which my brother was aware of but he said they’d been okay with Emma before (as in before he saw her) so they were just protesting him being with anyone who wasn’t their mom.
Emma is jealous of the kids’ mom. She’s jealous the kids still love her. She still dislikes their mom for reasons I don’t know. The kids know she dislikes their mom and they use it to taunt her. They tell her almost every day, if Emma is to be believed, that she’ll never be as good as their mom and they will never love her or accept her because she isn’t good enough.
They compare Emma’s cooking to their moms, they compare the way she decorates, stuff like that. I know they do it. But I also know Emma has kicked up a fuss about the kids keeping their mom’s things and having them in their bedrooms, as well as having photographs of her.
Which if you ask me anything is likely the reason the kids are so quick to compare the way they do. The household is toxic. Emma’s jealousy of their mom grows and the kids’ dislike for Emma grows. My brother acts like things are fine and he’s burying his head about the growing issues.
I decided not to ignore it and addressed this with my brother. I told him Emma and the kids are not getting along and her jealousy is going to make his home even more of a living nightmare than it already is. And I told him I did not think Emma could come back from her jealousy and warned him that she could cost him the kids.
He told me he didn’t ask for my opinion and to mind my own business.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like your brother is a bit in denial, and pretty much knows what’s happening but doesn’t want to deal with it. With the kids protesting on his wedding day, regardless of it being because of Emma or him marrying anyone else, he should have built that trust and ensured that the trust got built with Emma, before marrying.
The way you describe it, it wasn’t just a little bit of uncomfortableness with their dad moving on.” Sacha_Rae24
Another User Comments:
“Your brother has his head in the sand about his marriage/family situation. That said, unsolicited advice, particularly about someone’s marriage, is often not well received. You might have considered asking your brother if he wanted to hear your concerns/opinions, or gently opening up a conversation where you might be able to share these.
You were well-meaning, but you handled this clumsily. NTJ.” tinyd71
Another User Comments:
“No you’re not the jerk; all you can do is offer your perception and give suggestions/advice. The hard part is that you also have to accept his decision on how to proceed. Everyone can squeeze a lesson, something to learn, out of any situation.
Based on the information given, it sounds like your brother didn’t think of anything but what he wanted when he chose to get involved with E. There had to be signs from his kids telling him they didn’t like this woman stepping into the role of mother; these things can’t be forced otherwise the outcome will be a toxic household and sooner or later something will give and the situation will be over.
He should have weighed what he wanted with the reality of the situation and how things would honestly turn out for everyone immediately involved. Fools rush in.” DaScAlFi76
11. AITJ For Asking My Guests To Leave Due To Their Unexpected Fear Of Dogs?
“I (31F) had a friend (32F) from university reach out to me asking if she and her sister (25F) could stay at my place on their trip to the country I now live in before going to other cities.
I had no problems with this. They flew over and were expected to stay a week at my place. I live in the heart of a very big tourist city. What I didn’t know was her sister has some obvious serious anxiety issues related to dogs.
It turns out her sister and she had no idea about the different regulations around dogs in the country where I am. Malls, restaurants, bakeries, bars/pubs, etc are almost always dog friendly where people’s pets are welcome and really except for grocery shops they’re allowed in and encouraged.
Her sister became visibly upset when we went for a walk the first day she came and she saw dogs without a lead walking around the city with their owners. She started really getting hysterical when we went inside a local Starbucks and saw the dogs inside at people’s feet.
We immediately went home and I told her that you can’t really avoid dogs because they’ll be out and about.
Her sister then told me she didn’t want to even leave my place with all these unpredictable dogs and wanted to stay indoors the entire time.
I said that this week and the following places they are going to visit are going to be exactly the same. The sister immediately tells me that they’ll just stay at my place for a few weeks and fly home. I told them I was absolutely not okay with this and that if it seriously was that big of a deal to her they needed to leave.
AITJ for asking them to leave after these changes in circumstances?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Two reasons. First, you offered one week, and now they are inviting themselves for more. That’s a jerk move. (Jerk move #1.) Second, you offered one week during which they would be out and about, not a week of them in your hair full-time.
Again, they are the ones changing the rules on you. (Jerk move #2.) It would be maybe a little pushy to evict them early, for spending too much time in the house. It’s not pushy at all to evict them after a week, since that’s how much time you offered in the first place.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“I was attacked by two Rottweilers. I was very severely injured. Multiple hours of surgery and years later I still have physical issues. I am now very scared of large dogs, especially when there is no physical restraint of those dogs. You know what I do before traveling to any new place?
I look up the dog-related regulations. It’s not always easy to find the information and, of course, I can always be surprised by people breaking these regulations but I do everything reasonable to make an informed decision. I feel for her, probably more than most given my experiences, but her lack of planning isn’t your issue.
They completely changed their plans and expect you to just deal with it and that isn’t ok. You are NTJ even a little bit. Give them a couple of days to sort new arrangements and help research that if you can and then have a clear conscience.
Hopefully, this will be a lesson that sticks with her. This kind of fear isn’t fun but you can do your best to minimize the impact on yourself and others.” WorldlinessLanky1443
Another User Comments:
“I would suggest the discussion be held immediately. You had planned on one week with them out and about.
Now they want to stay in like slugs for much more time. Tell them you’re fine with staying the planned week, but set a date and time for departure. Offer to help find a hotel to move into but otherwise, at that point, it’s “it was so good to see you, let me help you with your luggage!”” spaetzlechick
10. AITJ For Not Wanting My Best Friend's Racist Partner At Christmas Dinner?
“I (27f) and my best friend (27f) have known each other since we were little kids. At this point, we’re more like sisters than friends. My friend, I’ll call her Jessica, grew up never liking sympathy.
She grew up with a brilliant single mom (let’s call her Alison).
She always taught Jessica to never judge a person based on race, sexuality, etc. Last year, Jessica went through a really rough time: she lost her dream job and ended a 5-year relationship with her partner (28m).
A few months later, she has a fling with this guy (23M) who we’ll call Greg.
It started very casual. Greg didn’t want anything serious at all. He’d told friends Jessica was “too skinny” and “too much drama”. This stuff got back to Jessica and although it really upset her, they still would hook up because, again, nothing serious.
Jessica told me about all his red flags: he had a son from a previous fling (she hates the idea of being a stepmom). he was part of a dangerous motorbike gang and, worst of all, he had a real problem with black people. She refused to say in detail but it was stuff she was horrified by.
Greg even announced that he didn’t care that he was a racist, even wore it proudly. I was shocked and said “surely, you won’t see him again.” She explained that it was just a fling and she told him she didn’t want to hear any more racist stuff.
She comforted me by saying it would likely fizzle out soon.
Suddenly just after Christmas last year, Alison died. She’s never been a healthy woman but it still felt sudden. With Alison gone, my parents and I were the closest to family Jessica had.
As she had all of her life, she’d only accept comfort for a short amount of time. Still, I stayed with her that night.
Alison wasn’t rich, but being the only family, Jessica was set to inherit a lot of money. Greg suddenly became very interested in having a serious relationship with her: talks of Greg being her partner, of them getting pets together, of them moving in together.
Short of having a full-on argument, I’ve questioned Jessica as to why on earth she was getting serious with this racist. She’d argue that I didn’t know him like she did. It’s too convenient that this guy suddenly doesn’t mind the “drama” once she inherits a huge sum of money.
Traditionally, because it was just Jessica and Alison for years, they’d come for Xmas dinner at my parents’ house. My mom decided this year, despite my mistrust and dislike of Greg, to invite him to Xmas. I still have never met him and he’s coming on Xmas?
I told my mom how against the idea I was. I’ve been losing sleep worrying and I ended up in tears at how messed up the whole situation seems. How I feel alone in seeing how this guy is preying on my grieving friend.
My mom said he’d uninvite him months ago but a conversation with Jessica the other week proves she never did.
I feel almost gaslit at this point. Greg is clearly not a good man and we all have to just accept this isn’t messed up.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But it may reach a point where you need to disinvite Jessica too. You also may need to pull off the rosy glasses you have with Jessica. If she is fine sleeping with and especially seeing a guy who is incredibly racist, she too is very likely racist. If you aren’t racist, you will not try to build a life with a racist. This is a reality you need to understand and accept.
Those two beliefs are mutually exclusive. There is no tolerance for racism if you are not racist at all. Jessica’s acceptance of Greg means she is also racist.” Mobile_Following_198
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I feel for you. It’s heartwrenching to watch the ones we love make life-changing decisions that we know will end in disaster.
There are no good options for you. One option would be to have a calm talk with Jessica. Let her know all your concerns, based on facts and events. Keep your views and emotions out of it. Tell her that love her so much that you can’t support this relationship, and will not attend Christmas dinner if Greg is there.
Perhaps the realization that you feel so strongly will shake her out of this dangerous stupor. Good luck to you all.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, I think you need to have a serious sit-down convo with Jessica. Especially since you said he is in a Motorcycle Gang.
I grew up in one, he sounds like a Hell’s Angel. She needs to get away from him now or he will use his ‘brothers’ to harass her or worse. The things I heard those men talk about, you don’t want to know them on their bad side.
I would talk to your mom about how seriously in danger Jessica is in and by him coming to your family’s gathering. He will get her money. He won’t stop. Unless she puts lots of legal red tape and actually doesn’t share anything else with him.
However, if no one will listen you’re gonna just have to let things play out. I wouldn’t mess with a motorcycle gang. I’m glad my dad quit his and I moved away long before I got too tied up in that world.” RexSki970
9. AITJ For Refusing To Refund My Friend For A Used Laptop He Bought Months Ago?
“A few months ago, a good friend of mine wanted to buy my MacBook M1 2020. I asked him what he was willing to offer, and he said €500 but requested a test period.
I agreed to let him test it out.
After about three weeks without hearing from him, I reached out to see how things were going. He said he was satisfied but had noticed some slight visual damage on the corner of the laptop and mentioned that there was no charger included. Because of these issues, he asked if I would accept €400 instead.
I felt that €500 was already below market price, so I countered with €450, and he agreed.
Now, months later, he contacted me saying that a line has appeared on the screen, which is getting darker over time. He believes it might be related to the screen itself or its connection.
He mentioned that he’s always kept the laptop in a hard case and stored it carefully. He also noted that the screen seems a bit loose.
He’s asking if he can return the laptop and get a full refund because the repair costs are higher than what he originally paid.
I sold the laptop to him in good faith, and it was functioning properly during the test period and at the time of sale. Am I the jerk for refusing to refund him after several months have passed?”
Another User Comments:
“Nothing wrong with it when he took possession of the MacBook, you even provided a significant test period.
There were no implied warranties and unless a contract directly indicates a warranty, private sales of property fall under common law’s Caveat Emptor, or let the buyer beware. The choice is yours, but I find it ridiculous that they even asked for their money back.
You do what you want to do, but do it without fear that you’re in the wrong, you are not.” Candid_Anxiety3131
Another User Comments:
“I would have never even let your friend “test” it and not for that long. He could’ve broken it in the meantime or damaged it and said it was like that already and asked for a discount.
He has buyer’s remorse and that’s on him. Would you ever sell a product to a stranger and then have them come back for a refund because of wear and tear? No dice.” Obse55ive
Another User Comments:
“Lol absolutely not. Tell him to leave.
He bought it second hand and when you buy second hand privately. YOU BUY AS IS. No warranties, nothing. NTJ at all. He’s probably broken it himself. Usually with this kind of stuff you give it 24 hours if you want to accept a return. Personally for me, I don’t even do that because how do I know they didn’t drop it or something like that?
Honestly don’t do test periods again. Cash up front or no deal. Simple as that. I had a similar case of this the other day. Got a MacBook from work for free as they were throwing them out. Decided if I could use it. Turns out I couldn’t.
Ended up selling it on the social media market. It was in immaculate condition despite being a 10-year-old laptop. Made a few hundred bucks on it too. Guy who bought it messages me a few hours later saying there are stuck pixels and he wants a refund lol.
Like dude it’s a 10-year-old machine. Deal with it. Also, there were no stuck pixels when I went over it myself prior to selling. Told him it was sold as is and no refunds. It’s on the buyer to thoroughly check when they get laptops etc secondhand.” grilled_pc
8. AITJ For Being Angry At My Parents For Not Letting Me Stay Home From School Due To Exhaustion?
“I care a lot about school, they know that. I stress about grades and joining clubs. I volunteer, I do a lot for the community, etc.
But I also have a ton of medical issues (sleep apnea, insomnia, PCOS, etc) that make me so unbelievably exhausted. My mom knows this, I’ve spent many a night sobbing to her about how tired I am.
I’ve been to like 30 doctors in the past three years and they tell me the same thing. Go outside, exercise, lots of stuff.
I’ve tried it, but what people don’t realize is it’s not sustainable. I have tried like everything to fix it, some treatments lasting months, whether my parents see it or not.
Most days it’s hard to leave my bed. But I do it, though there are days I really do not have any energy for school.
So I go to them and ask to stay home. I have straight A’s and can do the work from home.
Most times, especially in years past they’ve said yes. But I guess this year is different.
Onto my story, my alarm goes off at 6:30 every morning, and I let it go off for about 20 minutes that morning because I cannot even fathom getting out of bed. So, eventually, I get up, brush my teeth, look in the mirror.
I’m tired, exhausted, I can’t go to school like this.
I go upstairs to talk to my parents, they say I have to go to school. I say I’ll skip. Now, I care deeply about school, they know that, everybody knows that.
If I’m willing to skip school which I have never done a day in my life to date, then it’s probably best to stay home.
Anyway, my parents get angry and essentially tell me if I don’t go to school they will do all of the following.
1. Pull me out of clubs – if I’m so tired it will give me extra time to sleep.
2. Ban me from my bedroom when it’s not time to sleep
3. Ban me from hanging out with my friends
4. Take my phone at certain times (I barely use my phone now, most time spent in my room is drawing, doing homework, reading, or sleeping.)
5. And more. We haven’t exactly gone over the details.
I told my parents that right now there is a lot of hate for them, especially my dad. He’s a different story, let’s just say since I was 12 our relationship has gone downhill.
Disappointment in my mom, especially seeing how hard I try for myself.
I essentially said that if they carry this out I’ll hate them even more. It’s unforgivable.
I put punishment in quotes because they believe it’s helpful, but they don’t see how hard I work, how exhausted I am.
They can’t feel how I do. The best example I can give is: Stay awake for 48 hours. Then tell me how easy it is to work, and socialize, and go outside, and eat, and exercise, and take medication.
I just think they refuse to put themselves in my shoes.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m actually going to say no jerks here. You have enough energy for the stuff you want to do, apparently, and you are not following your treatment diligently. I can see why your parents are trying for something new.
I also see that you are genuinely suffering. My kid had a similar issue with extreme exhaustion, and it was mental health along with neurodivergence. What improved it was following almost exactly the treatment plan that was laid out.” tinyahjumma
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you’re overextended. If you’re that tired, then yes – pulling you out of clubs is a better solution than skipping school.
If you have a hard time sleeping, then you really shouldn’t be in your bedroom unless it’s time to sleep. If you “barely” use your phone, then it shouldn’t matter if they take it away at certain times. If your doctors are telling you to exercise, then that’s a better use of your time than community work.
Most of what your parents are saying seems reasonable. No jerks here.” sjsyed
Another User Comments:
“I don’t think this is an AITJ situation. It sounds like you’re all trying to find solutions. What I think will help you more than anything is to get second opinions if what you’re currently doing isn’t working.
First though, you need to consistently follow the advice of your current doctors. If you haven’t, get your normal annual physical. Once when I was in high school I was exhausted to the point you’re talking about. Turns out I was anemic and needed an iron supplement.
I do think you need to drop your extra circulars until this is under control. At the very least scale back for a while.
As for the rest: #2 is actually one of the top pieces of advice for anyone having sleep trouble. The idea is to train your brain to associate your bedroom with only sleep.
This helps with falling and staying asleep. #3: at all or do they mean cutting down the amount of time/going home sooner? #4 just like with #2 a common recommendation for sleep issues is to stop using your phone at least an hour before bed. Also to set up a red light filter.
This helps both before bed and upon waking because it doesn’t affect your circadian rhythm, which regulates your sleep. I use an app called Twilight for this. If this is what they mean by take your phone see if they’ll agree to try an app to help instead.
It seems like they’re trying common sleep practices to help you. Google ‘good sleep hygiene ‘ and you’ll see a lot of similar advice. One that has helped me the most is to put your alarm, whether a clock or on your phone, across the room from your bed. You’re forced to get up to turn it off.
Ask them to work with you on this as a team rather than making these feel like punishments. Good luck.” ApprehensiveBook4214
7. AITJ For Going Back To The Restaurant After My Date's Car Accident?
“I scheduled a first date at a local restaurant. I arrived a couple of minutes early, went inside, and ordered a drink. My date was running a couple of minutes late. Then I got a text from my date saying that she wrecked her car right outside of the restaurant.
I told the staff that I’d be back to pay, and then I went outside to check on her. I greeted her, said I was really sorry she was in an accident, told her that I was grateful that she was okay, and told her that we could reschedule if necessary.
She was uninjured and in good spirits. This was the first time I was meeting her and, at the time, she still had to deal with police, paramedics, insurance, and the tow truck.
I decided to give her space to deal with the aftermath of the accident without worrying about trying to meet me.
So I told her that I was going back to the restaurant. She said that she would be there in 30 minutes but she ended up asking to reschedule. AITJ for going back into the restaurant and not being there while she dealt with the aftermath of the accident?
She was ultimately cited for the accident and her car was totaled.”
Another User Comments:
“I’m sorry, but where is the conflict? Did she text you later to chew you out for not standing with her or something? Anyway, it seems like you behaved in a perfectly reasonable way to me.
You displayed concern for her well-being, relief that she was OK, and consideration for her situation. And at the end of the day, you are barely more than a stranger. Sticking around for moral support just seems awkward and possibly unwanted. I at least wouldn’t want someone I literally just met hovering around me while I was dealing with a stressful situation.
So NTJ.” Fluffy_Sheepy
Another User Comments:
“You totally missed a perfect opportunity to make a great impression. She got a true impression of you though which is that, although you gave her space, you didn’t jump to help where you could. That’s kind of the number one thing girls look for.
She gave you an honest appraisal at the end, which was kind of her. And it’s her choice not to continue with someone. You missed out on bonding over something and making a good impression, but that was never your path to take. So don’t worry, continue in life, and take it as a learning opportunity.” Dunmordre
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. There’s a lot of pragmatism in these comments, people saying you did nothing wrong and you’re not obligated to do this or that and they wouldn’t want a stranger hanging over their shoulder either. This is technically correct.
To be clear I don’t think you’re a jerk at all. If you were even just merely uncomfortable waiting with her while she finished taking care of things and wanted to go back inside, that’s your right. However, while this is essentially a stranger, the other context is that it’s also a date.
Dates are all about proving your character to someone. And while the night didn’t kick off the way either of you would have wanted it’s not postponed until she finishes her paperwork and gets to the bar, it started once you went out to check on her.
It’s cool that you went out to check on her, it’s less cool that you decided you’d rather finish your drink at the bar than provide her support after what might have felt like a brush with death (a totaled car seems pretty serious) for her despite how you perceived her disposition.
You were presented with a layup and decided to pass the ball. Deciding not to do anything is still a decision. I mean, did you even offer to give her a lift home after everything was done or when she said she wanted to reschedule?
Dates are about proving your character and, no matter what qualities you exhibit in your day-to-day, what you showed her in the 15 minutes she had with you was that you’re not going to support her in difficult times (like I said a layup). Again, you’re absolutely not obligated to do anything for someone you really don’t know at all.
But is that an attractive thing to express or exemplify on a first date?” idontshred
6. AITJ For Not Complimenting My Trans Friend's Assumed Top Surgery?
“My daughter has a friend (we’ll call her Jane, 12F) whose parent is trans (MTF, we’ll call her Sarah 40sF.) I’ve known this family for 5 years, and Sarah began her transition about 3 years ago. I am friendly with Sarah and her wife (we’ll call her Michelle, 40sF), we chat at play dates, we’ll stop and say hi to each other at events, but we aren’t the kind of friends who text to chat.
Recently, the kids had a play date at Jane’s house. I had dropped my daughter off and chatted with Michelle, then went to run some errands. When it was time to pick my daughter up, Michelle texted me and said she had to go to work but Sarah had come home and is with the kids.
I texted Sarah to let her know that I was on my way. Sarah replied and said to just knock and then come inside, as she was still recovering from a recent surgery and might be slow. I didn’t ask what kind of surgery, not my body, not my business.
I have a very strict personal rule to never comment on another person’s body unless it can be changed in 30 seconds or less (like food in teeth) or unless I am explicitly asked for input. I will compliment clothes or makeup or hairstyles, but I stay away from commenting on someone’s actual body.
When I arrived at Jane’s house, I knocked and came inside, as instructed. Sarah came to greet me, and I immediately noticed it appeared that she had undergone top surgery. The way she was standing and leaning over made it seem like she was trying to show off her chest, but again, not my body, not my business.
I had no confirmation that she had top surgery, I made the assumption based on the fact that I didn’t see any bandages or wraps elsewhere on her body and the fact that her chest area seemed much fuller than the last time I saw her over the summer.
It also felt really inappropriate to comment on a married woman’s body, so I refrained from saying anything. (I am a cis woman.)
We chatted for a bit as we always do when we pick up and drop off our daughters at each other’s houses, and then we were on our way.
Sarah seemed disappointed as we said goodbye, her shoulders kind of fell and her tone of voice changed. I really got the feeling that she was excited to show off the results of her (assumed) gender-affirming surgery, which I understand. If I got that done I would also be excited to show them off!
But again, she didn’t explicitly tell me that she had top surgery. If she had mentioned something, of course I would have complimented and validated her.
So, AITJ for not complimenting my friend because I wasn’t sure? This happened a few days ago and I’m still ruminating.
I feel bad like my lack of compliment invalidated her. I feel like I ignored her. I’m really torn, I’m second guessing if I should’ve made an exception to my personal rule and just made a comment that she looked great or just straight up asked what kind of surgery she had when she mentioned it through text.
I would especially love to hear from trans people on this subject.”
Another User Comments:
“Your boundaries are very respectful of other people. As you noted, if Sarah had said “I just had these implants, how does it look?” you would have given an honest opinion.
But Sarah wasn’t forward with any information, leaving you wondering, but also respectful of their body and privacy. If she explicitly wanted you to know, she would have told you. And if the operation didn’t involve breast implants, and you commented on her chest, it would have been inappropriate.
So you did the right thing in allowing Sarah to be the initiator..which she refrained from doing. NTJ.” 4th_chakra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I do think you were insensitive. Jerk behavior here is about intention. You erred on the side of caution, which would normally be the way to go.
You’ve even got it written throughout your post: I would never comment on someone’s body, because that can be a sensitive topic and you’re going to be better off missing a compliment than making someone feel bad. You can always compliment them later. Should you message Sarah and say something?
Probably. You SHOULD have followed up on the vibe you got at the door. And you could have made it socially constructed and awkward in a bonding way conversation. “Sarah, I’m definitely getting a bit of a happy vibe from you today. Michelle mentioned recovering from surgery, but how are you feeling about the outcome?” and when she responds you say something friendly and innocuous like “It suits you” with a smile, and then you go.
Still, missed opportunities can be recovered by the same token.” rockology_adam
Another User Comments:
“This is the kind of thing I do and then worry for days. I have gotten better at communicating after the fact. This is what I would do if it were me: If you are going to see her again in a few days, do it in person, otherwise text, “Hey Sarah, sorry that I was distracted/ in a rush when I was picking my kid up, but Michelle mentioned you had surgery and I meant to ask if you are recovering okay, or if there’s anything you need?
I would love to support you but also didn’t want to pry.” I feel like this recognizes that you didn’t mean to blow her off, were trying to be polite, but also opens the door for her to share if she wants to.” Fair_Watercress_953
5. AITJ For Letting My Kid Quit Gymnastics Due To Exhaustion?
“Kid (8) is too tired to go to gymnastics in the evening, once a week. They walk 2km to school and back every day, so not enough gas in the tank when evening comes.
I seriously don’t care if it costs us $200 for this one semester, she has to be able to change her mind.
My SO gets angry, her opinion is that it will be negative for the kid’s character development, that we are too weak, and that the kid learns to chicken out and becomes a quitter.
Me, I’m thinking they will find something they love doing one day, and that this will ignite an interest and a passion.
AITJ for just pretending to care, and letting my kid off the hook?”
Another User Comments:
“So to hear you tell it, your daughter actually enjoys doing gymnastics, but she’s too tired for physical activity in the evening because she walks 4km each day.
So like… why does she have to walk to school? Can’t she get a ride or take the bus or something, at least on the days she goes to gymnastics class? Seems like addressing the actual source of the problem would keep everyone happy.
Gonna go with ESH unless there’s a comment explaining your daughter’s perspective and why she’d rather be walking to school than doing gymnastics.” No_Introduction1721
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not for not wanting your kid to go to gymnastics but your general attitude towards parenting.
Kids don’t just ‘find something they love’ – they find something because you encourage them to do so. An 8-year-old isn’t always going to love going to gymnastics, so it’s up to you as a parent to either ‘force’ them to go, to a certain degree, or if they are absolutely miserable, present with other options.
I don’t think kids should be in a different sport/activity/music class 7 nights a week, so if they are overscheduled then yeah, you’re probably right, but if this is the one thing a week they do outside of school, then your partner is right; it does build character and also friendships, social skills, and a lot of other things.
If your kid is too tired from walking 4km/day, then maybe that’s something to address. Why is their walk to school so long? Can they take a bus, or get a ride one way?? 2 km seems extreme for a 3rd grader to walk each way and it seems like it’s impacting their quality of life if they don’t have energy for anything else.” scrunchie_one
Another User Comments:
“Okay why is everyone acting like the only thing the kid did that day to tire her out is the walk home? She just got done with a whole day of school. I’m a teacher reading this after school and I’m exhausted and I just drove home.
She’s gotta sit, behave, do things she doesn’t want to do, hold herself still, try things that are difficult… You guys, school is hard. Literally today I was asked, “is it bad that when I get home from my job at school I put on my pajamas and refuse to leave the house again?” No one is asking if that lady has a nutritional deficiency.
My own daughter was having a fit about going to gymnastics right after school last year. It was too back-to-back for her, we didn’t have an issue with other events later. What worked for her was a special relaxing break. On Mondays, she got an extra good snack and a cuddle and conversation right after school and then she was happy to go.
Maybe the OP needs to experiment instead of giving up. Maybe pick up the kid from school once a week, it won’t take away from her experience walking with friends or whatever he said about not walking. Or discuss what self-care works for her and would restore her energy after school.
Try literally one thing?” Aggressive-Flan-8011
4. AITJ For Expecting My Twin Sister To Pay Rent For An Apartment She Hasn't Moved Into Yet?
“I (22M) live in NYC with my twin sister (22F). My dad’s friend had a rent-stabilized apartment that had been vacant for a while because it was in pretty bad shape. To make it livable, my dad generously spent a lot of funds (in the tens of thousands) to renovate it, so my sister and I could move in as roommates.
When we agreed to move in, I was the only one with a job, so I took the larger bedroom and agreed to cover 70% of the rent ($750), while she’d pay 30%. Honestly, the bigger room isn’t worth more than double rent, but I really wanted it and she was in a tough spot, so I agreed to it.
I moved in last month, but she didn’t. She’s still living about ten minutes away at my parents’ place, and I think she’s just procrastinating on the actual move. For the first month, she had just started her job, so my dad covered her portion of the rent.
Now that month two is coming up, she’s refusing to pay her share because she says she still hasn’t moved in. I feel like she should still pay since she signed the lease, has her own room here, and could move in at any time.
I even offered a compromise where she could delay paying rent until she actually moves in, and then pay back what she owes (all the months she misses and the month she moves in). I thought that was more than fair, but she called me selfish, saying that since I had the apartment to myself, I should pay all the rent.
I told her she has three options: either start paying her part of the rent now, pay me all the back rent she owes when she decides to move in, or stay at our parents’ place permanently and I’ll cover the full rent, but in that case, she can’t just move in whenever she wants.
Now, my parents are fully (like screaming at me a ton) taking her side, saying I should only make her pay rent when she decides to actually move in. I think they just want her out of their place, but it’s not my responsibility. She has a job now that pays like 68k/year (my guess based on what my mom has said) and her rent is literally less than $350/month.
I’m just starting my first job post-college, and I’d rather not be covering 25% of my income on rent when I should only be paying about 18%. AITJ for wanting her to take responsibility for her portion?
(Just FYI, I recognize that I may be acting like a spoiled brat in this situation, especially because of how much my dad has paid to renovate, and if I am definitely set me straight because I may just need a second opinion.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like something between your sister, your parents, and the landlord. If neither your sister nor parents are able/willing to pay, they should be finding someone to sublet (and maybe split the rent more equitably, unless there’s someone else who they want to let basically live for free by New York standards).
But if I had the immense privilege to have had a two-bedroom, rent-controlled apartment in NYC renovated and handed to me and/ or a sibling for only $1100 a month, I wouldn’t be complaining on the internet about it. I’d be searching for a roommate who would appreciate the opportunity or, if I could afford it, telling the landlord that I’ll pay the full amount to lock that ish down.
Even if you are forced to pay the full amount, you are among the luckiest 22-year-olds in the tri-state area to have such generous and financially secure parents with generous friends. Maybe bringing up the idea of a sublet will light a fire under your sister’s desire to wait to move in.
She might not want to lose her deal if you suggested finding a sub-letter who might even be willing to pay more than her.” Public-Pound-7411
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It doesn’t matter that she’s not inhabiting the apartment, she still is on the lease, and unless she’s got an arrangement with the landlord needs to pay rent regardless.
She’s 22, this is standard adulting and your dad’s friend isn’t going to have goodwill forever nor can you cover for her while she procrastinates. As for why you’re not being a spoiled brat, you have made the move and are paying your share of the rent.
Your sister has this apartment (which was renovated for her use as well) at a very good deal with minimal change for her but she gets defended on not being able to do what you’re doing even though you’re both twins and both well into adulthood.
If she can’t handle adult responsibilities then she shouldn’t be on the lease that’s holding her responsible. If she doesn’t have the incentive to move out from your parents then she is more likely to stay with them, they’re mad at you for a situation they’re defending.” lemon_charlie
Another User Comments:
“INFO what legal arrangements are in place here? Your dad paid to fix up an apartment he didn’t own? You rent from his friend? Is there a lease? Is there a separate agreement in writing between the two of you on what the split is?
Is there a repayment agreement for your dad? I mean, legally if you’re both on the lease, you both have to pay your landlord the agreed-upon amount. Meaning they would be owed, regardless of what your internal arrangement is. If she signed, she owes. Realistically, I would chalk anything you have to cover in the short term as an investment in the family and a repayment to your dad unless he has some existing repayment agreement.
You’re still coming out waaaaay ahead.” zealot_ratio
3. AITJ For Not Inviting My Ex-Wife's Stepdaughter To My Twins' Birthday Party?
“I (42M) and my ex-wife (Let’s call her Rachel for the sake of the story) (44F) have twins Elias (8M) and Ezra (8M). My ex-wife and I divorced when they were both 3 years old and we have 50-50 custody.
Rachel is married again and has a stepdaughter who is 9 years old (let’s call her Mia).
Lately, the twins threw tantrums several times when I took them to their mother and I recently found out the reason why. According to the twins, Rachel is ONLY with Mia, when they ask her to play with them/help with their homework, she is “busy” and “Boys are big enough that mommy can let their hands go”.
If one of the twins and Mia fight, Rachel always takes Mia’s side and puts the twins in time-out or grounds them or they don’t get dessert, etc. As it turns out, this has been going on for weeks.
I have met Mia a few times (on birthdays or holidays) and I honestly understand where my sons are coming from.
If she doesn’t get something, she throws a tantrum, starts crying (even in public), and screams “I WANT THIS!” until my ex or her father gives it to her. Which they do every single time. I sat down to talk about this with Rachel, who said (I quote): “I can’t help it, Mia is so sweet and I’ve always wanted a little princess, so of course I want to spend more time with her”.
I tried to make a compromise with her, but she refused to listen.
The twins’ birthday is in two days and the day before yesterday they told me that they didn’t want Mia to be there. Because I want my sons to have a good time at their birthday party, I informed my ex about this.
Rachel was nervous, to say the least. She said, “if they want to exclude Mia, I won’t come either.” I offered to organize a small cake/party during her week where Mia could also participate, but she didn’t want to hear it. She accused me of spoiling the twins and pushing out a 9-year-old girl.
I said okay, then spend the day with Mia, but don’t come when Mia is with her.
My twins were a little sad that their mom wasn’t coming, but when I told them that their cousins were coming and their other family members too they immediately cheered up.
It looks like Rachel informed some joint family members about this, who just called and texted that I’m a jerk for excluding a 9-year-old girl “for no reason”. I feel that my actions are correct, but I would like some second opinions. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for protecting your kids and fulfilling THEIR wishes. You will be however if you don’t go for more custody and inform the courts what is happening. Your children are telling you they are being neglected, they are being made to feel lesser than and their biological parent is neglecting them, punishing them, and showing preferential treatment to their step-sibling.
This absolutely is and will take a toll on their mental health. You have way bigger issues here than a birthday party.” frozenbroccolis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but a smart thing to do would be to arrange a big family outing (not birthday related) and invite all the extended family, Rachel, her husband, Mia.
Insist ones accusing you of excluding “for no reason” have to come. Plan the activity something where kids will have to naturally share/compromise. Aquarium/theme park followed by a play in the park then dinner. Then let Mia’s tantrums and Rachel and her husband’s parenting speak for itself.” excel_pager_420
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for the following reasons – 1) It is your TWINS’ b’day, they didn’t want Mia there, simple as that. If your ex can’t accept that then, too bad. You did exactly what a parent should do. 2) You acted in your TWINS’ best interests.
3) You took their opinions into consideration and didn’t dismiss them for being petty. Kudos for that. 4) You made them feel valued by not including Mia. Lastly, you respected their wish. If your ex, the joint family members, the sun and the moon can’t accept that, then that is on them, as they clearly aren’t level-headed enough to see this from your twins’ perspective.” BoredofBin
2. AITJ For Refusing To Get Rid Of My Childhood Pony Despite My Fiancé's Complaints?
“I (20f) own a horse stable, one of the horses there is my 12.3hh childhood pony ‘Massy’ who is a 22-year-old mare with laminitis. My fiancé (21m, who we will call Greg) deals with the horses but doesn’t necessarily like them. We also have a daughter (3f, who we will call Stacy) together, she also has a pony.
Recently, Greg has been complaining about all the horse poo that has to be picked up (he doesn’t poo-pick, I do) and he has asked to get rid of some of the horses. I don’t see why the number of horses is an issue, as I pay for everything horse-related out of my money, but anyway.
He asked to get rid of Stacy’s pony, and I said no as even though she’s a toddler, she still enjoys going for little rides. Then he asked about my 3 horses (2 of which I ride, and the other is my sister’s that she keeps with me as she is in the hospital).
I also politely declined.
Then he asked about Massy as she isn’t ridden, and just sits in the paddock. I then explained why she is important, and why I will not get rid of her. He got angry at me and yelled ‘AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU, YOU CAN’T EVEN DO ONE THING IN RETURN?!’ I then asked what he had done for me, to which he responded ‘I FED YOUR HORSES, AND TOOK CARE OF OUR DAUGHTER THE WEEKEND YOU WERE WITH YOUR SISTER!’ Which he did do, but I personally think that it’s a reason to get rid of a pony, which took care of me for years, and that will die soon anyway.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Now, if you were asking him to take care of the animals more than once a month, then he has the right to complain about them. Him supporting you is just what husbands/family/loved ones are supposed to do.
As for the “favor” of taking care of his own daughter, ask him if this means he would like to renounce custody of her if he isn’t willing/able to provide regular care for her.” Rawr_in_Here
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s a father, taking care of his child is not him doing a favor for you, it’s him acting as a parent.
So it sounds like this whole issue is him wanting to not be a father and just dump your daughter off on you and just be able to take the credit for having made a human being. His solution to be able to do this is to convince you to throw away your outside interests including living animals.
I think the living animal that should be gotten rid of is the guy, if he doesn’t want to be a dad he can work that out in the custody agreement.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do not push off your responsibilities for the horses on your fiancé.
You primarily care for them. Now, really think about having a relationship where one person loves horses and the other tolerates them. A good conversation is needed because one day you’ll come home and one of the horses will be gone. Also, looking after your child for a weekend is never a good thing to bring up in an argument.
It’s called parenting and not under the umbrella of “everything I’ve done for you”. Maybe he’s worried about something else entirely and vented over the horses. I don’t know and that’s why it’s worth digging deeper. On the surface, he’s giving jerk vibes.
Good luck.” Snoo-78510
1. AITJ For Not Ensuring My Roommate Was Fully Awake Before His Exam?
“I (23M) and my roommate Justin (23M) are med students. We’ve been living together as roommates for two years, and we live in a hostel.
Last week was our final year exams, and it was absolute chaos. We were surviving on 2-3 hours of sleep daily, fueled by coffee and energy drinks (I know it’s not healthy but there’s no other way to pass lol).
On the last day of exams, Justin was unusually exhausted. Around 1 am, he decided to sleep and told me to wake him up at 3 am. I agreed.
However, by 2:30 am, I was done. My brain was shutting down, my notes were getting blurry and I knew if I stayed up any longer, I’d pass out.
I decided to wake Justin up early.
I woke Justin up at 2:30 am and told him the time and suggested he set an alarm so he wouldn’t oversleep. Justin sat upright, rubbed his eyes, nodded, and said ‘alright’.
I was like ‘don’t forget to set the alarm’ and then almost instantly fell asleep.
We both woke up at 8 AM. (I had set my alarm for 6 but I kept hitting snooze). Justin freaked out, accusing me of not waking him up as promised.
I reminded him that I did wake him up at 2:30 AM and suggested he set an alarm.
Justin said that he was too sleepy to comprehend what was happening and insisted that I should have stayed awake to wake him at 3 AM or at least made sure he was fully awake before sleeping.
Justin’s exam didn’t go well, and now he’s blaming me.
I understand his frustration, but I think he’s being unfair.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds like you were both exhausted and burnt out from studying. At the end of the day, you are both adults and can do for yourselves. It was nice of you to let him know at 2:30 that you were going to sleep and to set an alarm.
I understand the frustration of not being coherent enough to comprehend information though. As someone who is in the medical world, and has studied like you all, ultimately you are responsible for your exam grades. I learned that studying at that level of exhaustion doesn’t help.
If I didn’t know the material by then, I wasn’t going to. His blame appears misplaced due to not doing well on the exam.” beefcurtainpercs
Another User Comments:
“I’m a current neurosurgery resident and this dude is not going to be a good resident if he’s this quick to blame others for his own incompetence or unreliability.
Not to mention – you did wake him up. He fell back asleep, presumably the same reason he doesn’t rely on an alarm because he will snooze it. Definitely NTJ. Also, stop staying up late cramming… a good night’s sleep will be better for your performance than a couple of exhausted hours of poor studying that you don’t retain.” Anothershad0w
Another User Comments:
“Gonna be honest, as someone who used to do the cramming thing: It’s better to get the sleep you need than continue cramming. If you don’t sleep enough, you won’t remember what you need to, and then the whole point of cramming is lost. I know it’s not the point of the post, but I really think it’s important to really consider whether this type of studying is ultimately going to help.
Because in my experience, no. If I didn’t know something until the night before, chances are I’m not going to remember it while doing the exam even if I happened to go over it at 3 am because my body didn’t get enough sleep.
That being said, NTJ. Him saying you should’ve stayed awake beyond what you could manage just to wake him up is incredibly entitled. You needed the rest and if he didn’t set an alarm that’s on him.” Okay_physics_student
