People Want Us To Dig Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
16. WIBTJ For Firing A Brand New Employee For Not Having Enough Experience?
“I recently hired an Assistant Manager (AM). They started 1.5 weeks ago, and it was quickly apparent they didn’t have as much experience as I thought – they didn’t understand basic industry terms and equipment. I and 2 others have been training and we’ve provided a handbook which goes through some basic tasks.
AM made no effort to read the handbook or to try to learn anything. I’ve had extra staff in to help train, so we’ve been overstaffed. As such, AM decided that everyone else can do the work instead and sat around on their phone.
I let them know that wasn’t acceptable and asked them to be more proactive or to ask me if unsure of what to do.
When they’ve been more active, they’ve not been much help either. They’ve asked stupid questions and not been able to complete basic tasks that trainees easily do.
On their first night closing solo (after a week of training), I got a call saying they left something inside so needed to go back in, but their key wasn’t working. I’d double-checked that all the keys worked when I gave AM the set, so I asked them which lock they were struggling with.
They said it fit in the bottom lock but not the top one, so I said they might be using the wrong key and to try one of the other 2. I then had to talk them through unlocking the door.
I don’t mind being called if there’s a genuine issue, but I don’t expect to have to explain how to use a key in a lock.
I had a chat with AM on Friday and decided to ask how they thought it was going.
I was interested to see if they felt they needed more training/a different style and to see if they felt they were trying.
They said they felt it was going really well and that they had picked up our processes really quickly and that they were confident with all of our equipment and didn’t need more training.
I let them know that I needed to see more proactivity from them and reiterated that I had no issue with further training.
I’ve had issues firing someone before by letting things go on too long and don’t want to make the same mistake again.
I feel I’m better off getting rid of the AM sooner rather than later especially whilst they’re on probation. I can tell in my gut it’s not going to work. My plan is to give them til Friday with loads of extra training, but if I don’t see any improvement to let them go.
I feel like most of the above would be fair, but I should mention that a close family member passed away on their 4th day. When they told me, I said they were fine to go home. They insisted on working, so I let them as I know sometimes people need a distraction.
I let them know if they changed their mind and wanted to go home at any stage in the day to let me know.
I strongly encouraged that they took the following day off, which they did, but they insisted they didn’t need more time off than that.
I’m wondering if I WBTJ as a result because they likely won’t be working their best as a result, but many of the issues did occur before this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Let me put it this way, I have personally trained 10 people in doing my job.
Some I even trained longer than I should to give them the best chance. 6 of them got cut loose before their training period ended.
It is hard to put so much energy and work into someone when you want them to have a job.
When you want new people to work with you. But here is a lesson my boss taught me. Everybody can be replaced, and holding on to a failing person for too long can mean a good worker won’t get their chance.
Give up on this one and try again with a new one. Don’t try to fix what is rotten.” Alita_Moonsong
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ. But you need to document specific behaviors where they are not meeting expectations in effort, ability to pick up on the job, and places where they appear to lack basic industry knowledge.
You need a paper trail, and honest discussion where you lay it out (their “How do you think it’s going” answer just shows a lack of self-awareness so you need to make them aware). Yeah, it’s uncomfortable, but it’s how you fairly terminate an employee.
Give them a plan of improvement, and then fire them if they don’t perform. But they deserve to know their work is substandard and be given a chance to change.” oldsbone
Another User Comments:
“I’ve been in management for decades and hired 1000s of people over those years.
Some people just interview really well and far above their actual capabilities. Trust your gut. If the AM can’t handle the job, how will they effectively manage others? You’re just feeling guilty that you have to fire someone. As much as that isn’t something you want to do, it would also be unfair of you to keep this employee knowing that other staff will have to pick up the slack for them.” Inevitable_Speed_710
15. AITJ For Not Financially Contributing To My Sister's Funeral?
“I (34F) have three younger sisters (22, 20, and 19 F).
I was adopted but the younger three are my adopted mom’s bio kids that she had later. Their dad left and moved to a different state when the eldest (“Carol”) was 6, and as such, she was the only one that remembered him to a noticeable degree.
She ran off as soon as she turned 18 to join her estranged father in a shady religious compound (long story) and it remained like that for the next several years.
That was until a couple of months ago when Carol died unexpectedly, and our family had a bit of a dilemma after we got the body back from the police.
Our family has never had that much money, and all my mother could afford was a simple, direct cremation. We all know that given how religious she was, this wouldn’t have been what she wanted, but she left no will because she died at 22.
My mother called me the other day to ask if I would be willing to pay for a burial, and after some calculations, I found it would be technically possible but I would have to be VERY lean for about half a year afterward to compensate.
My mother said no problem, and we would just have her cremated.
Yesterday, my middle sister (Marie) called SCREAMING at me about how selfish I was, and that since I could afford it, I should do it for the family.
This is very out of character since Marie basically never expresses emotions. She said that I was being selfish and dishonoring Carol’s memory by forcing our mom to dispose of her body in a way she wouldn’t have wanted. I said that 1.
That isn’t a sacrifice I’m willing to make given Carol didn’t have a will and we never had a functioning relationship and 2. She went off to another state immediately and nobody in the family had spoken to her since 2018.
Marie has gotten her father’s extended family involved, and they’ve been blowing up my phone constantly with how I am selfish and ungrateful for the “sacrifices” Carol made.
Marie has continued to insist I am wrong and that I should pay the rest since neither she nor my youngest sister (Lily) has jobs. I am quite honestly shocked by this outburst, and I don’t really know where it’s coming from.
Given how out of character this is for her, I’m wondering if I’m in the wrong.
I asked Lily, who says that she was sad that Carol can’t be buried, but it’s ultimately my money, and I can do what I want with it.
Our mom is completely on my side, she never got along with Carol because of how enamored she was with her ex-husband. I can’t decide if I was the jerk or not in this situation since I technically can afford it even if it requires insanely strict budgeting, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It was very kind of you to consider paying the funds and taking the time to calculate it out. But it’s going to create a hardship for you. And even though she was your sister, you were estranged. And even though my own religious traditions also disapprove of cremation, it’s hardly “disposing” of her body: it is a perfectly valid way to respectfully handle someone’s remains.
But I actually think it’s great that Marie has gotten the extended family involved: each and every one of them should be informed how much extra it will cost to change from cremation to burial and should be asked how much of that they are personally contributing.
With any luck, all of those strong feelings they’re expressing can be turned into finding a viable way to pay for it. Knowing that all the burden won’t be on you, you may even find that you are willing to contribute a token amount to the cause.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, clearly.
But you’re not thinking that you might be the jerk because you actually feel selfish, or because your ex-stepfather’s family is throwing tantrums. You’re feeling weird and bad because Marie is having an out-of-character meltdown.
You are reasonably worried and upset for your sister, and looking for a way to help her.
Paying for a burial you absolutely cannot afford (if it would take all your savings and leave you without a safety net for six months, you can’t afford it!) will not fix her root problem.
Likely she’s dealing with the loss of her sister, and the loss of all her hopes for reconciliation, and some trauma around the unexpected death that had her body returned to your family (rather than her father’s family) by the police.
A better thing you can give Marie might be counseling (maybe through victim’s services or a grief group?) or a chance to talk through the complicated feelings that she doesn’t have a lot of practice expressing.
Try not to take Marie’s rage personally.
She’s lashing out in her grief. It’s not fair, but you need to decide if this is something you can forgive out of love for her. Either way, this isn’t about you. It’s about Marie’s pain that she’s lost any chance to fix things with Carol or even make a last kind gesture to her.
Her frustration is no one’s fault, especially not yours.” Aealias
14. AITJ For Staying Alone In A Hotel On A Trip Due To High School Drama With Someone In The Group?
“Never thought I’d be here. But recently my (25M) best friend got engaged to his long-term partner.
Both of them are my friends since middle school so it’s a huge deal for our friend group. I’ve been asked to be the best man. My friend’s fiancée picked Ariel and we have beef going back to high school.
Ariel invited the whole wedding party to her family’s lake house for a weekend.
I would consider Ariel to be the biggest bully in my life. Growing up, I was a stocky ginger. And she was always on me about it.
Just anything she could do to mess with me. I did have a crush on her in high school, which she knew and always messed with me. Including me asking her to dance, only to agree and then back out last minute.
Would make jokes about me liking her in front of people. It was embarrassing and caused me to start hating her.
We ended up at the same college. I tried for all four years to avoid her. But she made friends with some of my Frat friends.
By this time she was a heavy drinker. The final straw was when she told my partner stories about me in high school and asked my girl if she was doing charity work by being with me. We’ve not seen each other since.
Well, we obviously have mutual friends. So when the wedding party got formed I was called by my friend’s fiancée. Saying that Ariel had tried reaching out but I had her blocked on everything. That Ariel had gone to therapy and is a totally different person than I remember her as.
And that part of her recovery has been making amends with people. I said I didn’t want her fake AA program apology. So when the weekend comes I plan on getting a hotel. I’ll still join in on all the fun and be there for them.
But I don’t want to owe Ariel anything. So I’ll just stay at the hotel for the trip.
My friend’s fiancée got really mad. And the next time I saw her in person (two days ago with my friend) she got on me again.
Saying my staying somewhere else will be awkward for everyone. And I’m doing it for no reason. As Ariel isn’t even the same person. I said I had no reason to find out. And said I was shocked she was even still friends with her given how toxic Ariel is.
My friend stepped in. And said I can do whatever I want. It won’t take away from the weekend at all and he’ll come to hang out at the hotel during the trip too. 2 other girls have reached out now.
Asking if I intend to stay at the hotel. When I said yes they called me a jerk. Saying I’m putting my friends (the couple) in a bad spot. And making the whole trip about me. And said Ariel is just wanting to apologize.
But I’m standing firm and saying my plan is set. And I’ll join the group for big activities and have no idea why everyone is making such a big deal about it. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Ariel may have actually changed, or maybe she didn’t.
That doesn’t matter.
Just because SHE has changed (maybe), doesn’t instantaneously undo the psychological harm she has done to you. It’s like breaking a leg falling over a loose step and expecting it to be healed just because the step got fixed.
She doesn’t get to decide when you’ll hear her apology, or when or even if you’ll forgive her. That is all totally up to you. And if the answer to all that is “never”, that’s perfectly fine and reasonable. You do whatever is best for YOU in this regard.
Her feelings, or need to apologize, or need to be forgiven are her problem.
NTJ. You are handling this with a great deal of grace, and your friend and their fiancée should both be grateful.” Tulipsarered
Another User Comments:
“Do what makes YOU feel good. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. You owe it to yourself. Detach yourself mentally from the ‘noise.’ They didn’t go through what you did and they didn’t have their confidence and self-esteem take a nose dive like you, due to one self-centered, vindictive, heartless witch.
You don’t have to accept her ‘apology’ or do ANYTHING just to make other people feel good. Screw em. Don’t care that they are attempting to bully you or hold you emotionally hostage to the claim this will affect your friend’s wedding.
Tell them to back off and remain detached if you can. She may have changed, she may have just grown up. Whatever. Time does not minimize the crime.
Nothing is more important than you and you feeling good.” Chalkandcharcoal
Another User Comments:
“Part of making amends in AA is accepting that some people are not going to want to accept your apology or forgive you. No one is obliged to forgive you. As a drinker, you forfeit that because of the actions you did as a problematic drinker.
That’s pretty clear in the AA book. She must have a crappy sponsor.
They are obviously dogging you to forgive someone who is a rotten person. TBH, if I was you (and I am not, so take this with a grain of salt) and they kept it up, I would tell my friend he should get another best man.
I would just come as a guest.
Bullying can also come from your friends. One of the dumbest things that people believe is, “All of my friends should be friends.” Some people believe this religiously and it is complete nonsense.
So, no. NTJ. But Ariel still is.” Werewolf919
13. AITJ For Telling Other Parents About Their Kids' Teacher's Social Media Account?
There’s this great thing called putting your social media accounts on private.
“My son is 4 and this is his first year in pre-school. His teacher is called Mary and she’s roughly in her early 30s, if that matters. We first met her on Monday when dropping him off and I didn’t get the best vibes from her, so I looked her up on social media.
She is very active on there. The vibes were already far from immaculate, but what I saw made me dislike her even more. I talked it over with my wife and we decided to ask some of the other parents what they thought of her.
We reached out to them and created a chat group where we started talking and I shared her account there. It wasn’t well received by most parents either, mostly because of the photos.
Nothing happened for a couple of days, but a fellow parent kept tracking her account and she saw she had uploaded a selfie with 3 of her students on Thursday.
The parents were furious about that and they went to her supervisor first thing Friday morning. Since I was the one who started the group, he called me to confirm and hear my side of the story, and he asked me if I could come to his office in the evening.
I did. She was there along with a few other parents and we all started talking and trying to explain the issue. Voices were raised and, at one point, she started accusing me of stalking her and then sharing her account to creep on her with the other dads.
I was like, lady, I was just trying to see what kind of person is going to be teaching my son, but she wasn’t having any of it and kept arguing. Things escalated even more and the other parents demanded that she be removed from the class.
I didn’t outright concur or join with them, but I didn’t object either.
The supervisor ordered her to take down the photos, along with any she had uploaded of her previous students, but he didn’t reach a conclusion. Rumor has it he’s considering placing her in another school because the year just started, but we’ll find out on Monday, I suppose.
Anyway, was I the jerk here? Should I have just kept my worries to myself?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you specifically went looking for her social media because you didn’t like her and hoped to find something to more or less use against her, and then you went and shared that with others who had similar thoughts.
What she does outside of her work is none of your business. I bet you wouldn’t like it if your employer/clients were looking around your social media accounts.
However, I do think she is in the wrong for uploading photos of students, she has no right to do that.
I’m guessing all the students are underaged, therefore they can not give permission for her to upload it, and I’m glad she was forced to take them down.
That is not enough to change my vote though.” Opposite-Spring3533
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m currently studying at University to be a teacher and one of my courses is about teacher behavior and representation, and one of the issues touched on was social media and how to represent yourself in the parents’ eyes.
Being a teacher, it’s actually frowned upon to show yourself in that way, and if brought to the principal’s attention there could be actions placed against said teacher (like a warning or dressing down), as the teacher should have their social media on the highest privacy setting and should not friend their students’ parents.
Now onto the issue of posting photos with students, in my country, this is illegal without the parents’ consent. What she did is a huge breach of trust with the parents, and not only illegal, but she could lose her job.
That’s if wherever you are is like my country (Australia). A school actually needs permission to showcase a child on their social media platform.” newtoredit097762
12. AITJ For Tossing The Ice Cream My Friend Bought Me And Saying I Hate The Flavor She Got?
“My best friend (17f) and I (17f) went out to get ice cream. They had a peach sundae special on the menu which was peach sorbet with peach slices and whipped cream.
While waiting in line, I really had to go to the bathroom, so I Venmo’d my friend 10 bucks, which was more than enough, and told her to buy me a peach sundae and she agreed. I even repeated it twice in case she couldn’t remember.
When I got back from the bathroom she was holding two cups of non-dairy no-sugar-added vanilla. I asked her about the sundae and she told me she’d forgotten what I wanted, so she’d ordered me what she was getting. This was a bit irritating, considering it’s not that hard to remember “peach sundae.” Also, that sundae cost around 6 bucks, and the single scoop of no-dairy vanilla she’d gotten me was cheaper.
However, I decided I wasn’t going to cause a scene and ask for my money back or make her buy me another because I had kind of lost my appetite anyways, so I swallowed my irritation.
We were walking with our ice cream down the street back to her house, and I really did not like it.
I’ve always hated the taste of vanilla because it tastes like sweetened nothing, and the texture and flavor of it were only made worse by the lack of dairy and sugar. I felt absolutely no desire to finish it, so I threw it away in a trash bin on the sidewalk.
My friend instantly looked hurt and asked me why I did that. I told her I’d never liked vanilla and didn’t want it. I didn’t intend to be passive-aggressive, but she accused me of being so and told me if I was angry with her I should say so.
I insisted I wasn’t angry or anything, but that I simply didn’t want the ice cream she’d accidentally gotten because it wasn’t what I requested. She then claimed I was ungrateful and repeated that I was being passive-aggressive when she’d only made a simple mistake.
I got more irritated then because I’d been trying to let it all slide like a mature adult would but she kept pushing that I was angry. I definitely used a harsher tone than was necessary and I told her that I’d paid for the ice cream myself and it wasn’t as if I was even being ungrateful because it was my ice cream to throw out, and I couldn’t resist adding that “peach sundae” was not a hard thing to remember for two minutes while I was in the bathroom, and asked her why, if she couldn’t remember, she would’ve assumed that I would’ve been okay with her ordering what she was ordering instead of waiting to ask me.
She got very upset and sulky, claiming I was insulting her intelligence and calling her thoughtless and selfish. I didn’t think this was reasonable and decided it was time to go back to my own house.
I don’t want to fight over something as stupid as ice cream with one of my closest friends, but she hasn’t reached out to me since, and my irritation is still too high to try to smooth over a situation where I really don’t think I’m in the wrong.
However I feel kind of bad about the way I just left when we’d had plans to hang out further, and I may have been too harsh. I felt guilty after I lashed out, because in the end, it’s just ice cream and it’s stupid to care over that and turn it into a big deal. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments
“NTJ, it’s not like she got you raspberry sorbet instead of a peach sundae, she got you plain, nondairy vanilla. They aren’t even close to the same thing. She can’t even say she TRIED on this one.
Since you paid $10 for an “ice cream” you didn’t even like, she should have offered your money back to you. Sorry, but that’s her bad and she did nothing to fix it. In fact, YOU paid HER for her to mess up your order and she kept your change.
The dollar value doesn’t matter, the basic lack of respect does.
Maybe unnecessary to raise your voice or use a disrespectful tone, but she got all offended that you tried and didn’t like the not-your-order-ice-cream she forced on you, so she pretty much escalated the situation with that.
She sounds like the kind of friend who would borrow your car, promise to put gas in it, and then bring it back on the line below E with a nice new scratch on the bumper and expect you to claim it on your insurance to fix it and see nothing wrong with it.
Not saying end the friendship, but definitely saying don’t let her handle anything even as simple as an ice cream order until she can get herself together. ADHD is NOT an excuse for not texting, “Hey I forgot what you wanted, can you let me know?
At the register now.”” DntMindMeImNtRlyHere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, seems your friend intentionally ordered you the nondairy, no sugar added vanilla, big difference between that and the peach special, was she actually paying attention to you, because her saying she forgot shows either she was not listening at all, or the other.
Sorry but I don’t buy her excuse especially as you did repeat yourself. Can’t be ungrateful when she didn’t even pay for it.” Brave-Pool-4958
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – E-S-H. You should have told her immediately that she can have both and you will get back in line and she can buy you what you wanted and paid for.
I’ll bet anything she did it on purpose, either to keep you from eating junk or to keep the extra change. Rule is, if you can’t remember what someone wants, text them or let the people behind you go ahead and wait until the person responds to order.” holisarcasm
11. AITJ For Grossing My Dad Out With The Meal I Ordered?
“I (21F) celebrated my birthday this past Saturday. My parents (52F/53M) insisted, as they do every year, that they take me out for dinner. They do the same for my brother (16M). The general idea is that on my birthday, I pick the place we go, and I get to eat whatever I want, which I assume isn’t out of the ordinary, but it’s important later.
There’s never been a problem with my or my brother’s birthday dinners until two days ago when I picked out a local chain restaurant for my birthday dinner. It’s pretty nice, but not over the top, and they had a cocktail on their menu I was looking forward to trying as part of my “first drink.” Everything was going smoothly until it was time to order our food, and I asked for a New York strip steak, cooked rare.
My dad interrupted the waitress as she was asking what sides I wanted to say, “Are you sure you want that?” I said yes, and he said something about not liking b***d. I didn’t really know what to say to that, so I sat there kind of awkwardly until he asked if I was gonna finish ordering so they could order.
I told the waitress what my sides would be, and then she continued around the table and got everyone else’s orders. My dad asked me something about “sticking with steak” and I said, “Yeah, it’s my birthday” and that was it until the food came.
He started making faces while I was eating and ended up walking out after taking a few bites of his own food to smoke until I was done. He wouldn’t come back in until mom had told him the waitress took my plate away, and once he sat back down he acted like nothing had happened. I was so upset I didn’t even want to eat the birthday dessert that was brought out for me, I just gave it to my brother and said I was full.
After we left, my dad started ranting in the car about how “b****y steaks” are gross and that he “can’t believe he sent me off to college to start eating crap like that.” Then he started asking if I eat my chicken and pork raw, and if I bite straight into eggs fresh out of the fridge.
My dad doesn’t cook a lot at home, let alone steak, but when he does he overcooks most of it. He’s never made a steak that I haven’t been able to refer to as “cremated”. I thought it was just a preference, as I’ve never had anything below medium well in front of him, but apparently, it goes beyond that.
I tried to talk to my mom about it last night and how it made me feel bad, but she told me that I should’ve just picked something else on the menu after dad made his first comment and that I “should have known better even it was my birthday.”
I’m confused here, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Nothing wrong with him not liking rare steak. (Doesn’t excuse his behavior) I don’t know if he should have just sat there and been uncomfortable and mumbled and rambled about how gross your food was (saying this based on his actions in the car), or if he should have left. Since him leaving seems to bother you, I would think the former is better in comparison to the latter.
But I’m not gonna say he should have just sat there and been uncomfortable cause I know foods that people consider gross can make them lose their appetite and throw up. And even then if he did and he didn’t leave the likelihood of him not eating or just not being interactive (such as getting on his phone to avoid seeing your food) would’ve probably happened and still hurt your feelings.
So, I dunno.
You definitely shouldn’t feel bad for eating the food you wanted to eat it’s your birthday. It’s about you. So, I also don’t think you should have ordered anything other than what you wanted. So, NTJ, I guess.” WAIOMI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your dad is from the same generation I am. Our parents made sure our meats were well done! Their parents impressed on them that pink meat carried worms and had to be cooked enough to keep from getting sick.
They never heard of myoglobin, and it looked like b***d to them. Food safety was different back then, and frankly scary because the science wasn’t there yet. He gave himself a timeout and then came back, acted like nothing happened, and finished his meal. He could have sat there and continued complaining, but he let you eat your meal in peace.
It doesn’t sound like he was “ranting” in the car, he was telling you how he felt about b****y meat, and just in general commenting that you’ve changed since college.” sizz1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I can understand people feeling squeamish about it, but that doesn’t mean they can control what other people eat!
My mom has a phobia of it (truly I am unsure why but it isn’t worth getting into with her), and the most she does when I eat my medium rare steak is ask that I face it away from her and cover it if I leave any on the plate when I’m finished. A reasonable request that I’m happy to oblige.
Your father was ridiculous and childish.
Also for anyone who is also wary of it – the red isn’t actually b***d; it’s water and myoglobin, which is a protein in the meat!” AdmiralSassypants
10. AITJ For Leaving My Step-Siblings Behind When I Take My Siblings Out?
“I (24M) have two siblings James 16M and Alice 14F. Our parents divorced 6 years ago and they live with our mom the majority of the time and spend their summers and every other holiday with our dad.
Mom got remarried a couple of years ago to Mitch who also has two kids – Mason 11M and Bradley 8M. They live with my mom and Mitch year-round.
I’m polite to my mom’s new family. I don’t have anything against them, I just already have a dad that I can see when I want and see my parents’ families a lot.
I don’t really spend a whole lot of time with my step-siblings but I do spend a lot of time with James and Alice. Sometimes they ask to come to my place and spend a weekend or I’ll take them to stuff like anime cons or out to eat.
They got back from their summer at dad’s last week. They said they wanted to spend a couple of nights with me and I was more than happy to and went to pick them up.
When I got there Mom and Mitch told me I needed to take my step-siblings too because they always feel left out and they’re my siblings too.
I said I didn’t mean to make them feel left out but I really don’t want to bring them. I hardly know them and am not good with kids that young. I didn’t get close with my own brother and sister until they were teens.
I also don’t want to bring 4 kids out and watch that many. It’s not like I completely ignore them. I give them gifts on their birthdays and holiday. I don’t ban them from my place when my mom visits. I don’t exclude them when I invite the whole family to something.
Then my mom asked if I would do it as a favor for her sometimes when I take my siblings so that she and Mitch could get some downtime.
The way I see it, their downtime anytime I want to see my siblings isn’t my problem – why not use the time I have James and Alice as time to give Mason and Bradley undivided attention?
More than that, James and Alice like it just being them and they get left at home plenty when Mason and Bradley’s maternal grandparents want to see them. It ended with Mom saying that either all the kids come with or none of them go.
I wound up taking them all for the night so I could at least see James and Alice but they were miserable. I dropped them off and said never again unless I wanted to. Today, James and Alice asked if I could take them somewhere but Mom told them no unless I took all kids and I said no. Now she’s not letting them go.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What is with it with all these sucky parents forcing a relationship between their stepkids and bio kids/relatives? You communicated very clearly that you are uncomfortable with watching kids that young, that Mason and Bradley go on plenty of outings without your siblings, and that you’re not close with them.
All excellent reasons that you didn’t have to give anyway because “No” is a complete answer.
I can see some tension if Mason and Bradley were closer in age to James and Alice and also had very similar interests (like anime).
You would still be NTJ, but there might be more envy from the stepsibs. But mid to late teens is a big jump from 8 and 11. But this sounds more like your mom wants some free babysitting from you and less about you bonding with your stepbros.
Hold the line, OP. If your mom really insists, tell her she can pay you to watch Mason and Bradley, then charge her like $50 an hour (or more for jerk tax).” enceinte-uno
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Personally, I feel there’s a better solution.
The younger kids are in a completely different place than the older ones. It’s doubtful that the younger kids feel they’re “missing out” and more that mom doesn’t want them around.
Soooo… you need to organize the time you spend with your siblings to involve activities that either the younger kids will abjectly oppose or that Mom is unwilling to allow the younger ones to participate in.
You might need to recruit your siblings in this endeavor, to actively promote activities that they themselves don’t like for a limited period of time, in service to a longer-term peace.
As for what those activities are, that might require some creativity, and will definitely require some knowledge of the preferences of the younger kids.
If they’re glued to electronics, the easiest solution would simply be taking a long nature hike somewhere with bad cell coverage. Scared of heights? Everyone’s going ziplining! And always, constantly talk about how awesome your Dad is. All the time.
And don’t forget chore time!!! Everyone gets to spend the whole weekend cleaning your place. And no TV, computers, phones, tablets, or gaming systems at your place. The only games we play in THIS house are baccarat and Bridge.
With any luck, the kids will BEG to not go over anymore.” Restil
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Take all of them BUT only do stuff the older ones like. Don’t mistreat the step-siblings but make it as boring as humanly possible and they will not want to come.
Or, plan an extremely expensive weekend, and when you pick them all up, tell mom what your plans are in front of the kids and tell her how much she needs to give you so that you can afford it.
If she doesn’t pay, tell the kids that y’all will NOT be doing anything because mom won’t pay for it and leave them all at home. Let mom and stepdad deal with bratty teens and preteens.
Another option, reach out to the steps’ grandparents and explain what is happening.
Ask them if y’all can coordinate care or if they can help fund the steps portion of activities when they are with you because you can’t afford to take 4 kids to the movies but their stepmom and dad won’t let you spend time with your biological siblings UNLESS you take the steps as well.
If they are decent, they will tear into their son about using their grandbabies as pawns for free childcare.” WifeyMom24-7
9. AITJ For Telling Off My Sister For Not Calling Our Step Mother "Mom"?
Everyone views their step-parents differently.
“My (m17) sister (f22), Jessica, and I’s biological mother passed away before I was a year old. I don’t remember her at all, but my sister claims to. My dad remarried my stepmom when I was 5.
I call my step-mom “mom” because she’s been the only mother figure I’ve had and she treats me and my sister like her own kids. My sister does not call her mom and instead calls her by her first name, Lia.
A few weeks ago, Jessica and I were packing to go to college (We go to different colleges. I’m a freshman and she’s a senior). She was telling me about something she and Lia did together and just kept saying “Lia” over and over instead of calling her mom.
It makes me uncomfortable because I call her mom and she’s treated me and Jessica the way a biological mother would. I told her that it’s disrespectful to Lia to refer to her as “Lia” and not “mom.” She said that she doesn’t call her mom because she remembers our bio mom and doesn’t want to call anyone else by that name.
We started arguing after this. I basically told her that Lia has been in our life longer than our bio mom ever was and that she probably didn’t remember our bio mom anyway because of how young she was when our bio mom passed. She didn’t talk to me the rest of the day and didn’t even say goodbye when she left the next morning for move-in.
I just assumed she was being emotional, so I didn’t really think about it after that. I moved into my college the following week, but haven’t talked to my sister since. She and I both came home to visit our parents this weekend.
When I got there, I noticed that she was talking to everyone but me. She was super cold and distant and refused to even act like I was there. This eventually started irritating me, so this morning I asked why she was being mean.
She blew up at me and called me “insensitive” and “lacking empathy.” I just told her that the argument was almost a month ago and that she should be over it because of how much time passed. This afternoon, she left early and went back to her college even though she was supposed to be staying until tomorrow.
Lia asked what was wrong with Jess and I told her what happened. She actually got mad at me and said something along the lines of me being inappropriate and having no respect for my sister’s experience. I told my dad and he got mad at me too.
Now it’s just really awkward in the house, Jessica won’t answer my calls or texts, and I’m starting to kinda feel bad. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ… I understand where you’re coming from, but there’s nothing wrong with your sister calling your stepmom by her name.
Some people even call their parents by their names, “mom” and “dad” are just nicknames.
The bigger issue though is you invalidated your sister’s memories and her mourning. She could remember your mom, and she should be allowed to hold onto that.
And while yes it’s been 17 years since your mom passed away, she’s allowed to still mourn her mother and not want to call someone mom. She obviously loves your stepmother since she goes home on weekends to visit, don’t get so hung up on titles.
Please apologize to her, don’t lose your sister over something that seems to only bother you (especially because it shouldn’t bother you).” Unknown-Unseen
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I have a step-parent who I call Dad. Sometimes I call him by his name but it depends really.
You have no right to tell her how to feel about her bio mother or stepmother. I remember my bio dad and my last memory of him was when I was about 4, however, I stopped being attached to him a long time ago.
He did some unspeakable things. I demanded my name get changed when I was 6 or 7. My situation is complicated.
Hers isn’t. She had a loving mother. Even small, superficial memories can mean so much to a person. Any good step-parent would understand that they aren’t there to replace a bio-parent.
You can see Lia that way. That’s your right, but you can’t force Jessica to feel the same way you do. Even one good memory can change so much for a person.
Not only that, but can people stop jumping to the defense of someone who doesn’t need it?
Lia is a grown woman. I’m sure she’s had in-depth discussions with Jessica about this that aren’t relevant to you.” Maxibon1710
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You might not remember your birth mother, but there are gifted people who do remember their lives since they’re 3 years old.
My brother remembers everything he’s done since he was 2 years old and in detail.
You don’t remember your bio mom but that doesn’t mean your sis didn’t. What I’m sure your sister remembers the most is the void your bio mom left in her life till your stepmom came along.
You can’t invalidate her feelings as you weren’t the one who patiently waited for your bio mother at the school gates or were envious of others’ moms for freaking 5 years (maybe more). You weren’t the one who rushed home to greet your mom with a kiss and you weren’t the one who wanted to play with your mom the moment you came home.
Tell me again how long your sister felt that void until your stepmom came into her life since your bio mom passed away.
You’re inconsiderate of her feelings and her grief. Not calling your stepmom mom but acknowledging her as a mother figure on mother’s day is a way for her to honor the mom she grieved for years and also your stepmom for raising her since she was 10.
She could have told you to never refer your stepmom as mom but she didn’t so you don’t have the right to tell how she should feel.” Jdyram
If calling Lia, Lia and not mom doesn't bother Lia, then why should it bother you? Maybe your sister and your mom already had a discussion about this, came to a satisfying yet mutually respectful conclusion and didn't tell you, because frankly it's none of your business.
I'm going to give you the benefit of doubt because you're only 17, but you really need to grow up and not be so self centered. Take other people's thoughts and feelings (your sister's in this case) into consideration.
YTJ
8. AITJ For Not Giving My Stepdaughter A Nice Birthday Gift Like I Would To My Biological Children?
“I (40F) have 3 children (21F, 19F, and 18M) with my ex-husband. We split 10 years ago and I’ve been with my wife for 6 years.
She has a daughter, Ruby (14F) from her previous marriage.
My ex-husband and I are in a good financial position and we agreed after the divorce that on each child’s 18th birthday, we would give 3 gift options and they would have to choose: 1) a car (value up to 20k – fictitious value); 2) A trip or 3) We would furnish the house they were living with.
My ex and I paid half/half.
Recently, my youngest son asked for a trip.
I met Ruby when she was 9, my wife has 50/50 custody and since we got married and lived together I have had a good relationship with Ruby.
My wife and her ex-husband are not in such a good financial situation, and I pay 70% of the household expenses.
My youngest son came to visit me this week and he started telling me that he was planning to visit various countries in Europe.
And at some point, he mentioned that he looked forward to being 18 years old to get this gift just like his siblings, Ruby heard.
Yesterday, Ruby said she wanted to talk to me, she said she really wanted to have a 15th birthday party and asked if I could even advance her 18th birthday present to have a nice party.
I was a little embarrassed, but I tried to explain that this was an arrangement between me and my ex-husband and we have been collecting this amount for almost 10 years for each child. And that I hadn’t talked to her mother about it.
But I made it very clear that if their parents agreed, we could share and have a nice party.
She looked disappointed but said it was okay.
Well, my wife found out and started yelling at me, saying that I shouldn’t have made my favoritism clear to her children and that it was mean to say that to her daughter, knowing that her parents are not so financially able.
And now Ruby is asking her parents to help and saying that I would too. She said that now I should have to pay 60% of the party since I came up with the idea.
I said that I didn’t know whether they had plans for when Ruby turns 18, as they decide Ruby’s things between them alone.
And I pointed out that even though I love Ruby, I shouldn’t have to pay 60% of the party (money I don’t have), it’s not very fair, since she has her parents. Besides, my children’s gifts were years gathering to give and now at that moment, I had nothing saved for it.
My wife is complaining about favoritism, but I really don’t think that’s the case. Ruby is angrier at her parents, not me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
The gift to your children is upon their 18th birthday. Even if Ruby were your full daughter, a lavish 15th birthday party is not one of the gifts offered, nor is she 18.
So, even if she was your child, you never committed to any lavish 15th birthday party.
But Ruby isn’t your child, and she certainly isn’t your Ex husband’s child. So, assuming you did want to include Ruby in the 18th birthday gifts, your ex wouldn’t be contributing half.
At most, you might consider whether there is time, and budget, to fund an 18th birthday gift in the same amount from you ($10,000) that you gave your full children.
It’s okay if your answer to yourself is that that isn’t a commitment you want to make or something you don’t feel you can afford.
And it’s definitely okay if you ask your spouse if she is willing to sacrifice to fund her portion of an 18th birthday gift for Ruby.
If you’re willing to do this, I recommend you discuss it with your wife: “You’re right that I hadn’t considered Ruby with the 18th birthday gifts.
If you want to save up, we can make Ruby a similar gift offer to what I’m giving my older kids, although it won’t be as well-funded. Let’s work together to figure out how much we can afford. And you could talk to your Ex to see if they are willing to contribute, as well.”” teresajs
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your wife for assuming that Ruby was getting the same thing, You for not talking about it with your wife sooner. These sorts of expectations are not insane for children to have; Her older siblings got big gifts, why shouldn’t she?
The b***d relationship is not the only one that matters and you’ve been in her life for a good long time now.” GauntletWizard
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… When it comes to having stepchildren who also live with their other parent, there’s going to be inequalities all over the place.
I have two bio kids and two stepkids. The stepkids regularly go on trips with their mom, without my kids, of course. It would be beyond ridiculous to expect my kids to be involved in those vacations.
Sometimes their dad (my husband) and I take our shared kids on vacation without the other kids.
If we waited for logistics and schedules to all align, my kids would never go on vacation, as it rarely all falls into place. We vacation together when it works out. In reality, the stepkids get more vacations than my kids ever will, because they get every vacation from the mom and then also sometimes with us.
It’s just not always going to be equal when different sets of parents are involved.” Disastrous-Box-4304
7. AITJ For Blaming My Brother For Being The Reason His Marriage Is Broken?
“This week my parents and my brother took me out for my birthday. My brother was a bit down because his divorce was finalized earlier this summer.
He is living with my mom and dad temporarily because he was no longer eligible to live in military housing once the divorce was final. I have never been married so I don’t understand but I try to be supportive.
Doing things like taking him out so he isn’t just sitting in the house all day while my parents are at work or proofreading his resume.
I do understand that he is going through some stuff but he spent the entire night complaining and no matter what anyone said or did he was negative.
I tried to ignore it but when he made a comment about our waitress while we were walking back to the car, simply because she was wearing an engagement ring I snapped. The waitress didn’t mention marriage at all and her service was fine.
My brother said she probably lied to her partner to get him to agree to marry her. I snapped and told my brother that his wife didn’t lie and his marriage failing was his fault.
My brother met my ex-sister-in-law when she had just finished her medical residency and was newly in the military.
They met in 2008 and got married in 2010. From the start, she told my brother she never wanted kids. She was open about being childless by choice to everyone. He went out with her and married her. This whole time he thought she would change her mind and after all this time he got mad at her when she got mad at him for pressuring her to have kids.
I didn’t marry her and I knew she was childless by choice. It wasn’t a secret. She divorced him because he wouldn’t stop pressuring her to have kids and get her tubes untied. He went so far as to try and change the divorce ground from no fault to fraud claiming she entered the marriage under false pretenses.
That didn’t go anywhere. He maintains she lied and he is also mad he “wasted” so much time with her.
Before I snapped at him I never said anything. His divorce was none of my business and I only tried to be a supportive brother.
But his comment about the waitress pushed me over the edge. He wants me to say sorry to him. But I am not sorry. I have listened to him complain for months since she filed for divorce and it’s only gotten worse since he moved back here.
I have tried to be supportive and helpful as much as I can. Was I the jerk for snapping at him? He’s still angry about it.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you put all of the blame on your brother.
You don’t know all of the details of their marriage. Very rarely is any couple divorcing 100% one side is to blame. Your brother claims she has lied about things. She may have been misleading him about something.
Just because a 20-year-old says.
“I want to be child-free forever!” This does not mean that this is permanent. People can change a stance like this one as they get older. If you asked my cousin when she was 20 she would have said, “I don’t want any kids ever.” However, she is 35 now and has 2 kids under 2.
She changed her mind about that. That does not mean you should bet on someone changing their mind on something like that.
Long story short… He wants kids. She still does not. Unfortunately, that means the relationship is not going to work out.
That is enough reason for a no-fault divorce. Nobody is at fault. Your brother is not a bad guy for wanting to have kids, and he is going through some crap right now. He is going through a divorce which can be painful.
It sounds like she got the house and put him through the wringer… Which will make his dreams of being a father even harder.
When you are going through a divorce seeing a happy couple or someone else with an engagement ring can trigger some negative emotions.
You treat your brother like crap.” Dapper_Revolution_65
Another User Comments:
“I went through a divorce and it was probably a good year before almost every day I brought it up in some way. I would be on that negative train any time somebody would talk about something or something would happen that would remind me of some negative crap she did.
It’s been a few years now and she still gets brought up from time to time. That is going to happen for a couple that was together for a while.
But I never once snapped at people who were happy in their relationships.
I didn’t blame her for ‘wasting my time’ (we wasted each other’s time, we really weren’t right for each other but were both too stubborn to let it go). I most certainly tried to stop talking about it when I could tell it was bothering people.
I did realize that I had to do some self-reflection and grow up as a person and I hope she did the same.
NTJ, your brother was being a jerk and probably needs some anti-narcissist therapy because he’s throwing up some major red flags that’ll follow him to the next relationship.” grathungar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. That’s the first time I’ve heard of a man going into marriage thinking he could change her. Your brother lied to his ex throughout his entire relationship, made her miserable and since she dumped him he wants to make everyone else around him miserable.
Couldn’t he even******* up for one night on your birthday? No, he wanted a pity party for himself. Ultimately, you may have done him a favor.
I told my now husband on our first date I wanted to be child-free.
I asked him numerous times during our relationship whether he wanted kids. I asked two weeks before our wedding. If at any time he decided he wanted kids there would have been no wedding. Kids aren’t something you can compromise on.” Sledgehammer925
6. AITJ For Kicking Out My Sister For Not Babysitting My Son?
“My (F) sister, Gina (23F), was left homeless after my parents cut off all financial support at the end of college (they warned her, but she didn’t believe it).
She was living at a friend’s house until she found a job, but she decided that she would go after a master’s degree that doesn’t start until February.
I live in the city where this master’s degree is in. She asked me if I could help her for a few months until she started her master’s degree.
She couldn’t help financially with the house or anything, but she said she would help as soon as possible.
I don’t have such a stable condition to support another person besides my son (6M), but I proposed that I would pay the bills alone as long as 1.
She took care of my son from 1 pm to 6 pm (not Sunday, Saturday from 1 pm to 4 pm) 2. She cleaned the house every 3 days (nothing too deep, just a sweep and dishwashing every day). That would save me funds on babysitting and the cleaning lady who comes home twice a week.
She didn’t seem very satisfied, but that was my condition, I wouldn’t support her totally like her friends, because I don’t have the financial resources and I’m only doing it because it’s cheaper than hiring other people.
My son, despite being on the autistic spectrum (1), likes to stay on his own, doing the things he likes.
He just needs to keep an eye out and make lunch (he doesn’t like to eat rice).
After two weeks she was living here, me paying bills, food, even the car which she uses a few times a week. She sat down and talked to me, said that she accepted because of my condition, but that she was child-free for a reason and that was precisely not having to take care of children or deal with them constantly.
We argued about it, but I asked her to continue caring for at least this week (to give me time to hire someone else).
That was on Wednesday, she agreed, and when it was Thursday, she called me saying she couldn’t do it and for me to try to find someone else who would pay me for all expenses she gave when she started getting paid.
I was irritated and even more so when I saw a pile of yesterday’s dirty dishes when I arrived.
I told her that my condition to support her until December was for her to take care of her nephew and clean the house, she refuses to do one and doesn’t do the other properly, so I’m no longer interested in her staying at home and me having more expenses.
So it was better for her to move.
She started saying that she would eventually pay everything when possible and that I was abusing her financially by asking her to work without being paid properly. We argued, but I made my decision and gave her 15 days to move.
She’s calling me a jerk.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – she is getting a free place to live and decided that freeloading is cheaper than working with her degree. She can get a real job for the next 6 months and pay for her share of rent.
There are plenty of people who have worked their way THROUGH full-time school and paid their own way WITH a job. She doesn’t ever want to actually work, which is evidenced by the fact she is waiting for the degree program to start and she can get finances for housing with it.
I guarantee she would get the finances, then move out and tell you “Oh sorry, I need the funds for rent in my new place. I’ll pay you back after I graduate and get a job” which no one will hire her or she will be fired asap because she has zero work ethic.
You can’t misuse her financially because you are giving her “chores” in place of charging her rent/food/utilities as a family member.” ngoy39
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, even though I don’t think so 100%…more like 60%, 20% no jerks here, 20% ESH.
I was on the fence with those three vote options but due to the work you told her to do voted YTJ. Not sure where you live, but services in exchange for free rent have limits on how many hours of work they do.
I’ve also completed two graduate programs, the doctorate while taking care of my mother and it definitely interrupts the flow of studying/writing. Even if your son is low maintenance, she would have to have all her classes in the morning and likely miss other opportunities such as student collaboration.
But then to add housework every 3 days and work 6 out of 7 days?!! So I hope she finds another place for HER sake.” lmmontes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Obviously, there is some crap in the family for them to be cutting her off after College, and you clearly don’t want to go into that and let us know, that’s fine, but it may give an insight into her behavior: was she a terribly difficult person to live with and just didn’t do anything to help around the house, that’s why they cut her off?
Have they also had a rocky relationship, are the parents just not that nice?
There is no way she could not have picked up work until her Masters’s Degree started, that doesn’t make sense? She wanted to what? Just live with you rent-free and party and hang out for a few months until studies started back up again?
And then what? Still live with you and do her masters but still not work? I don’t get that part.
I get what some people are saying if you can hire a house cleaner, then that’s usually a sign you’re not struggling financially, but then again you could have saved up for that.
But you can’t just have someone living with you and not helping around the house, I don’t blame you for trying to get some help around the house with your kid in exchange for board, that’s not unreasonable!
What do people here expect you to have done, just let her live there without lifting a finger?” Individual_Use_4314
5. AITJ For Informing My Friend That She Isn't Actually Pregnant?
“I have a friend whom I have known for a little bit over a year now.
I will call her Rebecca (not her real name.) We shared the same sport and got to know each other quickly through it. Similar in age and what we liked to do. She’s known to be a bit of a jokester and mess around with the rest of our friend group (5 people total.) She’s also been known to sleep around a little bit.
It came as no surprise when she told us she was pregnant.
I was on an outing with my partner when we got a video call from her. Rebecca told us she got kicked out of her house because she told her mom that she was pregnant and she was driving to her friend’s house.
Let’s call this friend Maggie (not her real name.) Rebecca said she left a few things behind and needed us to go grab them for her. We both panic a little bit and say we can do it later—not really believing her.
Flash forward a bit, this friend group of 5 people plus Maggie meet up at my partner’s house to discuss what to do and ask how we can help, what support we can give, etc. We talk for a bit and then I have to leave.
That night, one of the girls from the friend group calls Rebecca’s mom and asks if this really happened (knowing how sweet Rebecca’s mom is, we all don’t believe it.) She explains that is not what happened and instead she ran away and just wants her back home.
All of us are very upset with her and confused about why she lied to us. We all are for sure convinced she is not pregnant and we all want to see a positive test.
The next day we decide to all hang out without Rebecca to talk about her and what to do about her lying to us.
The same girl calls Rebecca’s mom who is making Rebecca take a pregnancy test in front of her. Negative. But her mom says not to tell her we know. We all go over to Rebecca’s house to give her a chance to talk.
She keeps insisting that she’s pregnant even after we tell her we know. It gets into a heated argument with very mean words and things said to one another that I won’t repeat. Someone suggests getting a test to take in front of us.
She agrees to it and we thought it would end there. She “takes” 3 tests and they all don’t show up. Turns out she just stuck them in her mouth and refused to take them. After none of them show up, she kicks everyone out of her house and the rest of the night is calm.
I tell some girls that Rebecca and I both know that she isn’t pregnant and it ends pretty much there—or so we think.
The following day, she is still insisting that she’s pregnant and telling other people different stories that I later have to clear up.
She types a lengthy paragraph in our group chat which features some jealousy, insecurity, and plenty of anger and follows into a large argument. We were giving her cold truth that she couldn’t handle and got upset with. She ends up blocking all of us yet still insists she is pregnant.
All of this over a lie? So AITJ for telling my friend she isn’t pregnant?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Trying to keep a lie alive even with evidence pointing it to be clearly a lie is a sign of pathological lying.
You told in your post that she’s known for jokes and considering this lie, I presume the “jokes” you talked about are also these kinds of false flags. She should be directed to therapy before she wrecks her entire social life permanently.
No one, not even family, will stand there and take it. Lies destroy trust and without trust, there cannot be a relationship in any form.
You did right by confronting her but this seems to be a greater problem. Do an intervention and at least try to make her seek help.
It can be controlled only by the individual but only when she has the tools for it. She will learn the tools if it’s not too late.” UnfairDictionary
Another User Comments:
“This is a bit of a complicated one, but I’m going with NTJ just because your friend claims they’re pregnant but won’t take a pregnancy test (the right way) to confirm it.
Also if it turns out she’s just lying about it all, and that’s the hill she wants to die on, I feel like you and your other friends should just stick with each other.” SpeedBlitzX
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Rebecca is the jerk, obviously, for (apparently) faking a pregnancy — but all the rest of you are jerks too: why is it sooooo important to you and your friends to prove that she’s lying?
Why can’t you just go about your lives?
You, especially, are the jerk for this: She is … telling other people different stories that I later have to clear up.
Why do you think you have to clear up anything? It’s her life to manage; what makes you think you have any business managing it for her?
Mind your own business.” PingPongProfessor
OP Replies:
“The thing is that we were minding our own business until she pulled us into it. The fact that she wants to continue this lie and risk ruining our friendship, my relationship, and my friendships with other people and dismissing it so quickly raises a red flag to me.
I don’t want her lying to other people.
Also, what happened, which I don’t think was necessary to add to the already lengthy story was another lie! She told one of my friends that she was kicked out, had no place to stay, and had no friends in that very minute while we were literally sitting there in her basement confronting her.
If she would just admit she was lying to us we could have saved our friendship. Or if she genuinely agreed to take a pregnancy test and actually pee on it this time, and it came out positive, then we would believe her.
It’s hard to just “go about our lives” when we know she gets high every day, doesn’t have a job, and uses Daddy’s money. So she isn’t responsible to take care of a child if she had it—just looking out for her.” breakfastfoods23
4. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Son Go On Vacation With His Dad's Family?
“I (25 f) have a child with my fiancé (30m). Our child is a little boy (3). He also has a daughter from his previous relationship (5f). I’ll start this off by saying I love my fiancé, his daughter, family, and in-laws very much and this is nothing personal.
My in-laws decided to purchase a trip for themselves and the whole family. I won’t be able to go because I can’t get the time off work. No big deal. My fiancé’s ex agreed to allow his daughter to go on the trip which is wonderful.
My fiancé asked if I would pack for our son and I let him know I don’t think it’s a good idea for him to go. The trip is in 2 weeks. My son can’t sleep without me being there (we don’t co-sleep), refuses sleepovers unless with my grandmother, and cries every time I leave him with anyone but my grandmother.
I know that’s something that’ll have to change but he’s still so young and I think it’s more of a phase. I don’t want him traumatized from his first big vacation though.
My in-laws have been calling me begging me to change my mind, my stepdaughter has been crying she wants her brother to go, and my fiancé has also been asking that I reconsider.
My fiancé works long hours during the week and I’m always there during the weekends which is why our son wouldn’t even be fine with dad away from home. This is where I might have messed up.
We went to my in-laws for dinner last night, and they continued to try to pressure me.
So I looked at my son and walked outside to get something from the car. I went towards my car and heard the sobbing when I walked out. My fiancé immediately called me. My son said mommy no bye bye when I walked back inside and I said sorry baby mommy just went to get something from the car.
I immediately looked at my in-laws and fiancé and said “that’s why he’s not going; he’s with me all day and no one has taken him alone in 3 years so he will not be going now where I can’t get him at night if he needs me.” My mother-in-law started crying.
His daughter also cried saying she was looking forward to a trip with her brother.
His mom argued I’ve allowed my grandmother to take my son on a weekend trip. I pointed out my son doesn’t go to daycare because my grandmother watches him while I work so he’s with her all day.
He doesn’t even care when I leave her house. They’ve always been within driving distance as well. His mom thinks we should start small visits at their house to build up to the trip and I said no not for this trip.
His family also made the argument kids are resilient and he’ll cry the first day and be fine. I said no. I explained he’s my son and that’s not how I’ll choose to parent him.
My fiancé thinks I was way too harsh and I’m not being fair and reasonable.
He also thinks it’s not fair his parents have purchased the trip for our son already since he had said he could go. I don’t think I am but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It’s obvious that your son is a very loved little guy, and that’s wonderful.
It’s really awesome that he has so many people who care so much for him. I understand it’s difficult to think about your son in emotional distress from being separated, but he really will be okay.
Take it from a former Momma’s boy, this is a sucky part of life, but super important.
He needs to be around his family without you sometimes. And it’s gotta start soon, otherwise, it will be even more difficult when he’s forced to not be with you or your grandma, like school for example.
There’s never going to be a good or “right” time to do this, you will always have some reason, it’s in your nature as a parent to want to protect his feelings as well, but I feel like his father is correct.
The first day will suck for EVERYONE, but the second day will be better, and the third will be even better than that.
I know it’s easy to go into Mama Bear mode when your kid is upset, my mother was the same way.
Then she died when I was young, and I didn’t know how to function without her. I didn’t really know my father when I moved in with him, they had been divorced for years. Your little guy has a whole family that wants to spend time with him, and they should.
Fiancé is kind of to blame for agreeing to the trip without talking to you about it though.” Crowkiller90
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Firstly, it sounds like running back to your son every time he cries isn’t helping you at all.
To be blunt, you’re breeding separation anxiety and that’s the stepping stone for all sorts of other anxiety issues. At the age of three, children are learning how to self-soothe and trust themselves to be ok without their safe people.
By refusing to let him leave your/Grandma’s sight, you’re hindering him developmentally, regardless of if you let him go on the trip or not.
I think that you should take things slowly and take him to their house, be with him.
Go bye-bye for 5-10 minutes. Come back. Eventually, your son will realize that you will come back, and the anxiety won’t be there anymore.
If you never push him out of his comfort zone, you’re going to raise a socially awkward overly dependent child into a socially awkward, anxious, and depressed teen.
(Coming from a now adult who was exactly like your son)
While I do agree that maybe this specific trip isn’t the right time, you need to loosen up. That’s also the father’s child, not just yours and he deserves to spend 1-1 time with his kid.” Background_Web1710
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- I think I see this from 2 sides. You don’t want him to be inconsolable for a long period of time. And you also don’t want his first big trip to occur without you. Each are good reasons.
It sounds like dad has no idea how to parent. You walked out of the house and as soon as you’re gone, he calls you. Yikes….talk about deadbeat. And for one that disagrees, a deadbeat parent can be physically there and STILL not do anything and STILL not contribute.
Him calling you at the drop of a hat because his toddler is crying and he doesn’t know what to do is VERY concerning. Concerning enough to the point where I wouldn’t consider having another child with him cause he’s clearly not involved. Him going to work early, coming home late, and not planning anything on the weekends is very concerning and not ok.
He’s missing out on his child’s development and emotional connection and he’s going to regret that VERY soon. Your child crying probably isn’t only because he prefers you, but dad is probably a stranger at this point.
You don’t want his first big trip to occur without you. That’s just a very valid reason. I remember when my first niece had her big trip to Canada when she was 2. Talk about pictures and new memories galore.
Will your son remember this trip? No, but you sure will. And you’ll take all the pictures to prove it. Since you can’t go you’d be missing that, and it’s very shocking your fiancé can’t comprehend that.
Going against the grain- NTJ. For the first big trip, I’m shocked the in-laws and fiancé can’t understand why you would want to be included.” AUDMCJSW
3. AITJ For Making My Wife's Grandmother Cry Over A Social Media Photo?
They think the grandmother was inappropriate in her actions, but she thinks they’re harsh for attacking her for it.
“A few weeks ago, my wife had to have an emergency C-section, unfortunately, my daughter was stillborn, she had gotten her cord wrapped around her neck.
While we were in the hospital various friends and family members came to show support. For those that have never been in this situation, what they do is give the parent(s), typically, up to 3 days with the baby. This is, among other things, to help with the grieving process, as not being given that time can actually be very detrimental to the mother/parents’ mental state.
At that time, the family and friends that came asked if we wanted pictures taken of people holding her and of her face.
One of the people to show up was my wife’s grandmother. At the time of asking the title question, she was/is still annoyed with us from when we were at the hospital. Her grandmother is immune compromised and recently had heart surgery, so we didn’t want her coming to the hospital and risking something happening.
This of course caused her to throw a fit and we brought her anyway. We wheeled her up, and she got some pictures before we have the baby at the hospital, and I figured that would be the end of it.
Fast forward to yesterday. We got my daughter’s ashes back, and her mother and I decided to change our social media profile pictures to pictures of us holding her, but with her face not visible. Upon seeing this her grandmother decided to also change her social media profile picture.
Considering how much her grandmother does for us, if she had picked any other picture I probably would have been fine, because we took plenty of pictures of her holding the baby, again, with the baby’s face not visible. The picture she choose however was a close-up of my daughter’s face, and we found out because it was the first thing social media showed me this morning.
My wife and I looked at each other and were like “that’s kind of weird, and not cool” cause at that moment we decided we wanted to keep her face to ourselves. So we walk into her room, as she is currently living with us while her house has long-term renovations happening, and calmly tell her we would like her to change the picture, as we realized we would prefer not to share that with people.
She proceeds to fly off the handle and start crying, asking why it matters, and that she was so pretty, like an angel, and it’s wrong of us to ask for that, and we should share her face with everyone.
And of course, I snapped back “and it’s wrong that I don’t get to raise my daughter. God forbid we keep one thing for ourselves,” which caused her to cry more, and proceeded to hand her phone over to my wife.
The picture she now has is of her holding the baby.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ- it would be strange to have any dead person as a social media profile photo, let alone a baby that isn’t even hers.
The fact she gave so much pushback in this whole thing rather than letting you grieve the loss of your baby is really a red flag.” theoreticalsandmore
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ask grandma if she takes close-up photos of deceased people at funerals and posts them on the internet.
Tell grandma when she dies you are going to take a picture close up of her face and post it on the internet. That’s just wrong and she knows it. No one with taste or tact would do it.
Those pictures are done so you have a memory of your child, all you went through for her, and to help you through your grief.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“ESH.
Emotions are all running high and all of you need to learn how to talk to each other.
Everyone’s grieving–differently–but you gotta do better. Give each other the benefit of the doubt that nobody’s deliberately trying to be crappy.” Cheezslap
2. AITJ For Being Upset That My Wife Didn't Have Food Ready For Me When I Got Home?
“I (35M) and my wife (30F) have been together 8 wonderful years. I’d like to think that we do a decent job of dividing the house chores. She manages what we need to buy for the house and does most of the day-to-day tidying but I do all the cooking and pots/pans.
We do our own laundry and do our groceries together (as I’ll ultimately cook, but she helps me make sure we won’t waste any food).
My wife has been pretty stressed lately as she has a large important project due for work and we have an upcoming move.
I’ve tried to be as supportive as possible.
For context, I do the cooking because I’m good at it, and I usually love to. My wife is a great cook, but to her, it’s an annoying chore.
A week ago, I had a sports league that ended quite late (past 10:30 pm).
Because I can’t play if I’m full, all I had had were snacks before leaving. She plays in the same league as me but booked the night off to continue to work on her project. I asked my wife if she could have supper ready when I got home as I knew I’d be starving (and for some reason having food ready is important to me).
Because she was working on the project, I had the whole supper basically pre-prepared. I’d made this large ragu tomato sauce over the weekend. All she had to do was boil some pasta, warm up the sauce, and toss a salad.
I made sure to tell her around what time I’d be done and even texted her before I left.
When I arrived at the house, she was typing away furiously and supper had not been started. When I came in she started excitedly telling me about her project, but I guess I must have been doing a face because she asked me what was wrong.
I mentioned I’d hoped supper would be ready. She basically said she knew I’d have to shower anyways and she wasn’t sure when I’d be home, and it would take 2 seconds to throw something together.
I answered something along the lines that it wasn’t a big deal but I really don’t ask her to cook very often (maybe once a month) and that she knows it’s important for me to have food ready when we come back from stuff.
If she’s playing later or comes home late from work, I make it a point to have food on the table. So I was just hoping she would have done the same for me. I wound up taking my shower and to her credit, the food was basically ready when I got out.
But she was still upset about our conversation.
I can honestly say that I was at most mildly annoyed supper was not ready. AITJ, especially considering she still made me the food and she had a lot going on?”
Another User Comments:
“While I understand your frustrations, YTJ.
This is mainly a personal reason for me as I remember my dad coming home from work one day and my sister was cooking dinner (Mum was also working). She was literally about 15 minutes away from dinner being served, and because it was not literally on the table when he walked in through the door, he yelled at everyone and went to his friend’s house and was going to eat dinner with them.
My Mum got home about 10 minutes after this blew up, and my sister was in tears after his reaction. My Dad (I love the guy but that was a jerk move of his high expectations) sulked home after getting berated by my Mum, and he ate dinner.
My Mum made him wash the dishes afterward too.
So OP, if your dinner was not ready when you got home, and it would take you about 10 minutes to prepare… BE FREAKING PATIENT!!!!! Your spouse was excited after working on her project and instead you made her feel like crap.
If food was THAT important, you should have picked something up on the way home or eaten earlier to alleviate your hangry pains.
Now go and express some remorse to your lovely wife and let her know that you were in the wrong and treat her like the Queen that she is.” True-Tomatiillo-4720
Another User Comments:
“HARD YTJ. Asking your wife to make your food is completely fine and reasonable if she agrees (which she did). She immediately explained why the food wasn’t ready—because she 1) didn’t know exactly when you’d get home, 2) knew you’d need to shower, and 3) didn’t want your food to get cold if she started it too soon.
She had a plan. You didn’t care about what she wanted to talk to you about OR that she had a plan to make your food. Don’t be so nit-picky. If she had legitimately forgotten to make the food after she promised, then she’d be a slight jerk, but she didn’t forget.
She had a plan and you apparently barely had to wait for your food after your shower.
And instead of realizing that you were being too harsh on her, you came to AITJ to try to get people to agree with you that she’s the problem.
That’s what makes this a hard YTJ. She isn’t the problem and it makes me think that your issue(s) with her have nothing to do with her making you dinner on time and that you’re just looking for things to complain about.” tenpercentofnothing
Another User Comments:
“Wow. Reading these comments is SO trippy. People are full-on trashing you and someone even suggested you could be neurodivergent. As if that is even a logical conclusion based on the info presented.
I. Mean. WOW.
Heavily NTJ.
At all.
According to your post, you pre-prepared the meal, asked your partner if cooking it that evening was fine, and didn’t get home until after 10, all while having texted that you were on the way. You literally did nothing wrong.
I happen to know what it’s like to cook most of the meals (for a family of 10+), know what it’s like to request simple favors and I know what it’s like to feel disappointed when someone doesn’t do a favor that I’ve requested: after putting in over 50% of the work for said favor.
And believe me when I say I know the reaction to that can range from feeling annoyed and at the extreme end, feeling deeply hurt. And that those feelings can happen regardless of the favor requested. So, I don’t think your reaction was unreasonable at all.
I think the other users are looking at it from your wife’s perspective only and not even considering yours. And I deeply suspect (read: know) that if the genders were reversed, the voting would be going a completely different way, and this is coming FROM a woman.
Either way, you sound like a great husband and you both sound like a loving partnership and a healthy, communicative couple. It was a small disagreement and not even that big of a deal. But expecting your spouse to have dinner ready at the time you requested, when they’ve given no indication that you’re asking too much, is not even a little bit unreasonable.
So, I’ll say it again because I think it bears repeating in this particular echo chamber: Not The jerk.
At all.” MsDefinitelyMaybe
1. AITJ For Selling My Wife's LuLaRoe Clothing Without Her Permission?
No, not the LuLaRoe!
“My wife has recently started a side business or hustle (I don’t know the exact word she uses) recently with this LuLaRoe company which she says is a great opportunity to get more profit, to which I thought it was okay and just left her alone, maybe occasionally asking her how it was going.
We have a shared account, but my wife likes managing it because she’s a perfectionist, and admittedly usually better at handling finances than me, so we agree to leave most of it to her.
I thought it was a mostly innocent side job, but I did ask her to tone it down when some friends complained about her messaging them privately about her whole thing, she seemingly took it well at first but she went silent with me for a day or two because I apparently wasn’t supporting her.
She has a lot of merchandise in the house, some of which she puts in a spare room which is literally almost filled, but she keeps telling me that people are buying, etc, etc, and how I’m not trusting her whenever I brought it up, tears in the eyes, and such.
I finally decided to check our account and turns out she spent a decent amount on this stuff as well as taking a dip in some of our emergency fund, which admittedly made me mad and kinda not in a clear mood.
I decided to sell most of her merchandise when she went over to her parent’s house for relatively cheap as it wouldn’t really sell for much higher, and while I thought it was a good decision at the time, with the way my wife and some family/mutual friends reacted, started to feel like the jerk.
When she came back, I told her, and she freaked out at me, saying I was abusive, horrible, and other insults before leaving to stay at a friend’s house, and some family who heard about the whole thing are saying I’m in the wrong because I’m being an unsupportive husband.
Starting to feel guilty, but wanted some outside opinion, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
She fell for a direct marketing scheme. Those don’t work. If the product was so good, they wouldn’t need a pyramid of salespeople. Trying to sell crap from their houses and buying inventory themselves.
If she wants to do something like this and your finances are shared. She has to write out a business plan. Get an agreement for you on the amount. Set up a separate business bank account. Then take out and document the agreed-upon business loan amount.
What she did was entirely wrong. Also screwing around with personal accounts like that for business makes an absolute mess for bookkeeping and taxes.
She owes you a big apology for not being upfront about the costs and continuing to stockpile non-selling inventory.
Now you should hire an accountant to get everything straightened out and figure out how big of a hole you are in. Then going forward. Either you take over the banking or you pay someone to do it. She’s lost that privilege.
If that is still unacceptable to her. Separate your finances and let her drown in debt.” Velocityg4
Another User Comments:
“Ytj. But not for the reasons you think. What you just did was open your space for more inventory. The idea that you are abusive just for this probably stems from the pyramid scheme idea of full financial independence.
That’s what pyramid schemes really sell, the idea of wealth and financial independence. There’s a good chance your wife is comparing you to a boss/CEO who only cares about the bottom line.
Do way more research on this stuff before making any moves like this again.
And this will happen again, it’s typical for people who fall into this to keep falling into different companies that are all still pyramid schemes.” Nearby-Assignment661
Another User Comments:
“I sold LuLaRoe for almost 7 years. I was finally able to walk away early this year.
I think I can give a unique perspective since I was in it and was a top seller for many of those years.
In 2016, it was a great opportunity to make profit selling the clothes. Anytime after that if you don’t have that customer base built it is NOT.
The bad publicity coupled with the cheap fabrics, unflattering styles, and insane “wholesale” pricing means that NO ONE IS MAKING PROFIT NOW. Not unless they have a large team under them or have a very active customer base of 5,000+ that have been following them for a long time.
Starting now and trying to get customers and keep up with the new business model of 2-3X week new styles will only line the pockets of corporate. Your wife doesn’t know it, because the gaslighting and “mom boss” culture is so strong that she truly believes everything they are telling her about just having to push harder and reach out more.
I’m sure they are having her do the “72-hour game plan” which is basically writing down 50 names and calling/texting/harassing them until they agree to host a party. She’s been told to do this or she won’t be successful.
My advice is to sell it all. Show her in black and white the finances, and find ex-sellers who were successful. One year, I sold 500,000 of product by myself and I still would never recommend ANYONE sign up for any MLM but especially LuLaRoe.
Also, NTJ.” Nerdy-by-nature829
Another User Comments:
“The accounts belong to both of you. For large purchases, it makes sense to talk to each other, so she should’ve spoken to you. But you selling all the items she bought (with what was at least partially her funds) was controlling and unfair.
You think that when you are angry, it gives you the right to control her. That is textbook abusive behavior. Everything is fine when she follows your rules and expectations but when she does something you don’t agree with, you completely destroy her business.
Whether it is a scam or not, it’s her business. Treating her like a child and taking it away from her “for her own good” is literally textbook abusive language. If you care about her, you should treat her like an adult and discuss this with her.
You being angry doesn’t give you the right to steal from her. What did you do with the funds? Did you give her any or put it all back in the joint account?
You’re treating her like she’s an irrational person when previously you trusted her enough to handle both of your finances.
You’re treating her like her wants and her property don’t matter and it’s sick. And all you people here agreeing with him are sick. It’s not okay to do this at all. You need help, good luck.
YTJ.” WestAnalysis8889
I think other people made REALLY good points. 1, If you don't fire them, you are making other people work more than they should to pick up AM's slack. 2, Someone more deserving and capable is out there somewhere looking for a job.
Also, I would like to know if they lied on their resume about experience and knowledge.