People Try Not To Destroy Their Lives In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Not Letting My Husband Go On Another Trip While I Struggle Financially And Care For Our Baby?
“We’ve always kept our finances separate and split bills evenly. We made roughly the same income so it wasn’t an issue. We had our first child 1.5 years ago. I was working part-time a lot during my pregnancy and after my 12 weeks of leave because we couldn’t find daycare.
I also just started my own business but it’s taking longer to get clients so I’m currently not even making enough income to cover “my half” of the bills. I started working 16-hour shifts on weekends to make more income but it’s not enough.
I do all of the cooking, cleaning, and most things for our son. I’m still nursing him. My husband has never bathed him. I have done it every single night (he still wakes 1-2 times/night). My husband works mostly full-time but does whatever he wants when he comes home and on the weekends.
We’ve traveled a lot together. Before we started trying to conceive, we talked about how we would have to put travel on hold for a bit. He agreed and was fine with it. That turned into having one more trip before trying to conceive so we went to Greece.
Once pregnant it was one more trip before he was born so we went to Iceland. Then he planned another trip with his friend to Spain without me knowing and told me about 2 weeks before he left. I was 28 weeks pregnant and very upset.
Then he tried going to Mexico with his brother-in-law 2 weeks before my due date and I talked him out of it. Then we went on a trip to MA when our son was 3 months old and then to CO when he was 10 months old.
Then he went to Mexico with his brother-in-law a few months ago which he told me about days before he left. I just found out he is planning another trip with his friend to Albania without me knowing again.
I finally put my foot down. We are a family and just because our finances are separate, we are in this together and can’t afford it. Just because I am not making as much income doesn’t mean I am doing less or are less valuable.
People don’t leave the country with their friends while their wives stay home to take care of the baby alone. Sometimes we need to sacrifice our wants. It’s just temporary. He was begging me to let him go and I said I am not okay with it and I’m sorry but I think you’re being selfish.
He said he deserves a vacation. I kept firm and told him I was not okay with it. Since then (1 week) he hasn’t spoken to me. He sent me this text:
“I feel like I had my soul sucked out.
I’m not trying to be dramatic but I would do anything just to take a few days to travel. It’s my biggest passion that I get excited about. And don’t pretend a person with a family never goes on a vacation with friends/family.
All I want is every 2 years to go on a trip with (friend). I feel like that is very minimal compared to what others have as hobbies. Even before we were married I begged you to go on trips with your friends because I know what it does spiritually.
Life is so short and it could be gone in an instant. Seeing more and more friends of mine pass away is truly making me depressed and scared. I don’t want to hear a counterpoint because I don’t want to argue.”
Is he the jerk for doing this to me again or AITJ for not letting him?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not his wife. You were his incubator and now you’re his nanny and maid. He wanted to have a child, he had to help with said child.
You need to sit down and have a serious talk about what your expectations for him are if he wants the marriage to continue. NTJ” MThomas
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You and your husband need to sit down and reevaluate.
You are a family, not roommates. Having everything separate and split down the middle makes no sense once you have kids and aren’t working the same. You need a family budget for family expenses and a plan for how to save family money for future expenses and vacations.
Can you each have some fun money for yourself? Sure. On the “he doesn’t help at home” bit. That also needs to stop. Let’s just assume you are a stay-at-home mom with no outside job. Then your “job” is taking care of the house from 9-5 while his “job” is working at the bank from 9-5.
Outside of work hours, it’s family time. And as part of the family, everyone does childcare and housework. Your job of taking care of the child should not be 24/7 while his job is only 9-5. It makes no sense.
And he’s a jerk. Get into some couples counseling ASAP because he doesn’t sound like he’s the kind of guy who will hear it from you.” Traditional-Load8228
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your life goals are incompatible; you want to settle down, start a business, and have a child.
All he wants to do is travel the world. That doesn’t make either of you jerks but it does mean neither of you planned out your life together very well. I do think the husband is a jerk because he said “one more trip” before the baby arrived – what he meant was “one more trip until my next one”.
I’d go for the divorce now while he is earning more money than you are.” Waste_Worker6122
18. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Because My Older Brother Won't Switch Rooms?
“I (25m) live at home with my mum (54F) and my younger (23m) and older (32m) brother.
My older brother lost his job in January after his company found out that he had a record of driving under the influence after they held another background check (he worked in project management at the time and one of the clients he was involved in a project for requested a background check for those involved I think).
Since then, he has lived between our house and his partner’s house (more often at his partner’s house e.g. 2.5/3 weeks spent at his partner’s house in a month) and is currently collecting benefits whilst applying for jobs.
He has also as a result stopped contributing towards the rent for our house as he can no longer afford to do so (he was paying £400 a month, the same as me).
My room in our house is by far the smallest compared to my younger brothers, mother’s, and my older brothers’ room (even though I pay the most rent out of the brothers), which is not even big enough to fit in a desk to carry out my work duties.
I often find myself having to go to their rooms when they are not in or even the living room to hold client meetings (which can be distracting due to the background chatter/cooking in the nearby kitchen or them re-entering their rooms for something)
Since my older brother is not in his room as much (and the fact that he is not paying for rent in the house), I suggested that we switch rooms based on these reasons as I figured it wouldn’t be a problem and I need it more due to my work.
However, he was completely against it as he still feels entitled to it.
My personal belief is that the situation is unfair to me as I am paying the most out of the brothers but have the room with the least facilities as well as the fact that I am not able to work to the best ability in my current situation, I’ve been seriously considering moving out to a house share/room to rent elsewhere.
I am currently on 50k a month (bonuses bring me towards 58-60k annually) and live in London, and I believe that an Ensuite room in London (zone 4-6) with a desk that costs around 800-1100 a month including bills can be found as well as fit within my budget whilst also allowing me to save for a deposit on my own place someday.
However, if I were to move out, my mother would not be able to afford the rent on solely my younger brother’s contribution, and as such we would all have to move out, and my older brother would have no choice but to move in with his partner as he would not be able to afford his place (which I would feel guilty for).
My mum would most likely get another place with my younger brother for him to have a room to stay in, but my older brother would be on his own without being fully able to support himself.
I also feel like I would be resented for this choice by my family as I could be seen as not being there in a time of need for my brother/family.
Hence, I ask the question – WIBTJ for moving out for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are 25 years old and have every right to be living on your own, but it is a difficult situation nevertheless. Openly talk to them and make it clear why you are unhappy with the situation being like it is.
Maybe give them a timeframe and not move out all of a sudden. But if they have no understanding for you at all (like your older brother), you should try to become more independent.” DonWilliam77
Another User Comments:
“This living-work-from-home situation isn’t working for you, and it’s not fair that you’re expected to suck it up for everyone else’s benefit. Your brother is getting the best of both situations – living with his partner and also living rent-free at home.
For a 32 YO dude, that’s kind of appalling when it’s being funded by his family. Your brother isn’t taking responsibility in this situation, and it shouldn’t fall back on you. Either he takes a smaller room, or you move out.
Then your mom and younger brother can find somewhere else to live. NTJ.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“Sit down with your mum (landlord) and have a discussion. Explain your situation regarding work and how you need more space.
You’ve asked your brother to switch and he’s refused, so your only other solution is to move out. Unless she can speak to her son about switching you’ll be moving as soon as you find a place. You’re not the jerk, your brother is.” Spiritual-Concert363
17. AITJ For Not Defending My Stepmother During A Family Argument?
“My grandparents hosted a family dinner on Sunday. My dad left because “something came up” at work. My sister (16f) and I (17m) were sitting with our cousins when our stepmother corrected us when we said we had big plans for Halloween and Christmas this year because we were going to be with our maternal side of the family.
She told us those plans still needed to be approved by her because Dad said yes without running it by her. This is when my dad’s family stepped in and told her she didn’t have the right to stop us from spending time with our maternal family.
My stepmother said as our mom she does, and since our maternal family never speaks to her or tries to befriend her she has the right to say they’re not good for us. Then our grandparents told her she’s not our mom and the more she pretends to be, the less respect she has from anyone.
Then it became a situation where our grandparents and our aunts and uncles piled on her and reminded her that she didn’t give birth to us, we didn’t call her mom, and they accused her of preying on a grieving man who was 11 months out from losing his wife when she swooped in and claimed us as hers and they rubbed it in her face that neither my sister nor I value her or love her or want her in our lives.
It became a huge fight between them and my stepmother stormed out. She tried to make my sister and me leave with her. But we refused to go with her and we said we were staying with our family.
Dad was extremely upset when he came to pick us up and he asked me if I stepped in to defend my stepmother and I said no. He asked me why not and I told him I didn’t want to defend her and didn’t disagree with everything being said.
My stepmother asked why I hadn’t spoken up for her and I told her that everything they said was true and I would never defend her from anything. Dad was threatening to not give us the extra time with mom’s family at Christmas but my sister kind of talked him out of that.
But I got lectured two days this week already about 10 years of being a stepmother deserving more respect and value and being worthy of defending. My dad told me I’m a few months away from being a man and I need to act more like one and that means defending the women in our lives, but especially the ones we love.
I told him I always defend the people I love when I need to. This made my stepmother cry. It made my dad walk out of the room to calm down because his wife was crying. Dad told me I’m a bad example to my sister.
He said the only reason she doesn’t adore our stepmother is because she follows my lead and I should think about my influence and that I’m risking a relationship with my stepmother in the future.
I should add I have said similar things to her before and to my dad.
But they don’t really listen.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your dad that: “*The more you’d push the narrative that she’s a mother figure, the more we’ll reject her. No nicknames, no specific moments, no nothing. That goes for you as well.
We will respect her when she understands that respect is earned, not given. We get that she’s loved by you, we merely tolerate her. She’s not our mother, and she’ll never be, and if that’s a problem for you, so be it.* “” RemoteBroccoli
Another User Comments:
“Your stepmother crossed the line when she decided to (1) overrule your father behind his back and (2) call herself your mom when you’ve not agreed to call her that. The family has been seething about her stepping into the family the way she did, and it came out in that argument.
Your father lecturing you on “letting” your whole family defend you and your sister, then having their say, is out of line. What did he expect that you would say? She overstepped and was told. NTJ” StellaByStarlight42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your egoistic stepmother should understand that losing your mom for 11 months and having her replaced by a new one is already too much for you to handle. She should’ve allowed you to be ready first before coming into your life when everything is still fresh.
Your in-laws just did the right thing and you did the right thing.” realellasinclair
16. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Due To Incessant Chaos From Nieces And Nephews?
“In our culture, a son (in this case my husband) tends to live with his parents and look after them in their old age, and his wife and kids live in the same house.
When my relationship got serious and we were discussing marriage, my husband said that the most important thing for him is that he would like to live with his parents in their house, with his future wife and kids.
He asked me to visit the house and meet the parents. I went to their house often before and after we got engaged, and I got along very well with his parents. I liked the house as well.
I had no issue with the living arrangement. My husband pays for all the expenses for the house as his parents are retired, but the house is mortgage-free and we live there rent-free.
It’s been 3 years since our marriage and I’m finding my living situation is a mess.
My husband and I have no kids yet.
My husband’s parents are completely disorganized and all they ever want is to have their grandkids home. The house is always messy. We have a total of 5 nieces and nephews below the age of 5(!!) who are home 4-5 days a week.
2 of them visit on weekends as they live in the neighboring city.
I basically get no space to do anything for myself in the house. There’s no moment of peace and quiet and cleanliness in the home unless I lock myself up in my room and stop anyone from coming inside.
I work from home a few days and I dread those days because I’m basically stuck in a room all day. With no bathroom inside, being in one room all day gets difficult as well.
The kids ransack the house.
Most of my weekends go in looking after the kids or trying to clean up their mess. All my weekdays are about cleaning them, feeding them, putting them to bed, and hoping to get work some done after they are in bed. All this while their parents are busy living their social lives and working on their careers.
I tried to talk to his parents about how being around so many kids is not enjoyable for everyone at home, but they were very clear on the fact that their grandkids will keep coming home and it’s their house and I have no say in the matter.
I explained to my husband that I need my own space and a house that isn’t ransacked with kids, especially since I don’t have any and I’d like to enjoy this phase of our marriage.
But he said that his one condition before marriage was that he wouldn’t move out of his parent’s house and he wants to stick to that. I’m at my wits end, I hate the house I’m living in and my husband won’t move out with me.
It may come down to us wanting two different things.
AITJ for jeopardizing my marriage because I don’t want my life and my house revolving around our nieces and nephews?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You knew that living with his parents and taking care of them was the plan.
But it sure doesn’t sound like you knew that you were expected to be a live-in maid and babysitter for a half dozen nieces and nephews. In my opinion, that’s what you should focus on: “You want to have your grandkids over all the time?
That’s great. YOU need to watch them. YOU need to feed them. YOU need to clean up after them.” They were not part of the communicated expectation.” EndielXenon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ based on OP’s response to this INFO post. INFO: OP, Your current housing sounds very challenging.
Before marriage were you aware of the drop-off kid pattern and living in a ransacked house? Did a calm clean home turn bonkers over the years? I read his description as the four of you would live in a home that allowed each adult to navigate with ample space with defined roles (e.g. who pays what, indoor cleaning, yard maintenance).” DesertSong-LaLa
15. AITJ For Not Letting My Disabled Mother Be Alone With My Kids?
“My (35F) and my brother Matt (31M) grew up with our mother who is diagnosed with a disability. We would have relatives/friends of the family tell us off for not doing more. When I was 10 I was told I was not doing enough to help and I should be making sure the house was clean and ensuring the washing was being done.
Her disability affects her physical health progressively and her mental health is also impacted by this. She has been using an electric chair for years but until 2 years ago was able to move around her house. Her disability also affects her physical health and she battles infections a lot.
Matt – 5M Jamie 9F Fliss
I have 6F Laura & 8F Poppy
When the children were younger our mother was healthier and she was able to look after the children, We wanted to enable the grandparent relationship.
Recently whilst Fliss was staying there (7 at the time) she left her outside on a main road in a city whilst she went shopping. She and Fliss met a man in a park, she let Fliss go to walk a dog with him and gave him her address, she did not have any details of this man, except her first name.
Fliss was returned 2 hours later!
After this, I set very clear boundaries that she was not to leave her children with anyone and if they were going out she must remain with them at all times.
Jamie and Laura have advised they got stuck in an apparatus at the park and could not get down until a passerby helped.
There have been many times one of the kids has said that she has fallen over/fallen out of her wheelchair when they have been out.
Both Matt and I and SOs have tried explaining our concerns. We have been called over dramatic, anxious, and controlling.
Her falls are getting worse and she constantly battles infections. In Feb she had sepsis. This was very sudden and was in hospital for 3 months. During my SO and I helped and visited daily sometimes with our kids sometimes not.
We helped her move house to somewhere with a care element, it broke us mentally managing this alongside work, schooling, and extracurricular activities. We were advised her needs have changed that she needs to be in her wheelchair all the time and that she is at high risk of sepsis.
Sepsis is hard to spot in her and from research can come on within an hour.
Matt and I have decided that due to her actions in recent years with the children and due to her health, we do not think it is appropriate for her to solely look after the children and will do things as a family and ensure she is included. She keeps saying how she is going to do X Y and Z with them, when I gently remind her about it and suggest one of us come she blows up and says we are discriminating against her disability, which hurts, as this is about the safety of our children.
Recently she has been rude and vile about myself and Matt and SO’s. We find spending time with her hard but are pushing through for family. Matt and his SO are at the point where he is reluctant to engage with her at all.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mother is unable to look after your children. She lacks the physical capacity and her judgment is impaired to the point that she has endangered them. You would not only be a bad parent, you would be a negligent parent, were you to leave children with an adult who can’t assure their safety.
There are many people in the world who for one reason or another cannot take care of children safely. It is not discrimination for parents to allow their children only to be cared for by people with the ability to do so competently.
Your mother lacks that ability. She can call it discrimination, or cruel, or mean, or whatever term she chooses. It doesn’t matter. Your children’s well-being is more important than whether your mother’s nose is out of joint. And unfortunately, she doesn’t have the insight to recognize the harm that could come to her grandchildren should you relent.
Your decision is sound. Stay strong. NTJ” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Due to her anger and poor decision-making, it seems clear that her illness is progressing. She may not see the changes but you do. You’re doing everything you can to make her feel included and to keep her safe, and you have taken steps to ensure that your children are safe as well.
As long as you can tolerate her behavior, and provided that your family is not suffering, things are going as well as they can for now.” Few_Ad_5752
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No way, just no. My grandmother is over 90, and she’s still mentally sharp and in pretty good shape for her age.
She’s wonderful with my kids (her great-grandchildren), but I would never leave her alone with them outside. If she were to fall, she wouldn’t be able to get up on her own. Plus, kids at that age—like my three-year-old—don’t exactly listen when they see something interesting.
If your mom isn’t physically or mentally able to care for your kids, it’s just not safe to leave her alone with them. Honestly, you and your mom would never forgive yourselves if something happened while she was supposed to be watching them.
It’s about keeping everyone safe, and that’s what matters.” Hendrix-Copperfield
14. AITJ For Refusing To Change Our Son's Name After My Husband Complained About The Spelling?
“My husband and I recently had our second child. I told my husband that he could pick the first name for our second child since I picked the first name for our first child.
For the last nine months, I asked my husband to come up with a first name for our son. Every time I brought it up in the beginning, he’d roll his eyes and tell me he couldn’t think about it right now.
So I backed off until we hit the third trimester and then I asked him again. He kept blowing me off and at one point jokingly threw out a very old-fashioned name that was difficult to pronounce. So I came up with a list of names with one name in particular that I loved. The name was Matteo and its meaning is “gift of god”.
Having suffered an ectopic pregnancy before this baby, meant a lot to me. I mentioned the name to my husband and it seemed like he liked the name. This is where I acknowledged that I messed up. My aunt asked if we had names and I clearly stated that nothing concrete but I had a name I loved and it was in consideration and told her.
She took the name and ran with it, told everyone, and began calling our unborn child by this name. This annoyed my husband immensely and he demanded we take the name off the table. I understood, I was disappointed but understood.
So I offered up other names for us to consider.
A week before my due date, I brought up the names again and said I’d like to at least have a couple of names that we can talk about for consideration.
He blows me off again. I said that I’m not having any in-depth conversation about names in the hospital and would rather we go in with maybe two names and once we see him we can make the decision there.
He brought up (to my surprise) Matteo and Liam as potential names. I gave birth (15 hours of labor and a difficult delivery) to our son. We filled out the birth cert and I asked him if he had a name he immediately went back into his rant about Matteo, so I asked if should we use Liam and he said no that he liked Matteo but didn’t want our son to be called Matt.
I said ok, that’s a nickname we won’t use and he was ok with my response. I fill out the form while he’s there but he doesn’t look at it and leaves the hospital room.
He comes back and sees the final paperwork and is annoyed because he wanted the spelling Mateo, not Matteo, and said I should have known that because he didn’t want our son to be called Matt. There was no discussion about spelling.
To be honest I don’t like the Mateo spelling and prefer Matteo. If there was any disagreement on spelling I would have taken the name off the table and gone with Liam. He’s now holding this over my head and is annoyed. I told him that I wasn’t changing the name or chasing down the birth registers office to change it either.
I made the official announcement to friends and family with the Matteo name. Am I the jerk for refusing to change his name and making the announcement?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You gave your husband so much advanced notice to start thinking of a name and reminded him several times.
I don’t understand why he was dragging his feet. Did he not want to choose the name of this child? If he didn’t he could have just told you to do it. Or maybe at least come up with a list of ten names that you like and let him decide from there.
I don’t understand why he was so hands-off in choosing the name and then is causing an issue over the spelling. If he had sat down with you during one of the times you suggested it, he could have seen a written list and voiced his dislike of the spelling at that point.
He showed no interest so he gets what he gets.” 77Megg77
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What is his issue? Who’s gonna call Matteo, Matt? Not every name gets shortened. He also should’ve taken the initiative when it came to coming up with a name if he’s gonna throw such a fit over it.
He must have other problems going on that he isn’t voicing or is he normally this difficult??” chaenukyun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. To be honest, it seems like your husband isn’t mature enough to be a father based on how he treated this whole situation.
He had plenty of time to figure this out, but he dragged his feet the whole way and then had the gall to argue with you about it in the freaking hospital. He could’ve filled out the form himself if he cared!” algunarubia
13. AITJ For Storming Out Of A Family Gathering Over A Dessert Dispute?
“My husband (40M) and I (35 F) went to my in-laws for a large family gathering and all was well.
In 12 years of marriage, I have always been polite to his family, though we find these gatherings stressful. Both of us are the “quiet ones” in our families and often we feel forced to concede to louder personalities, which is a point of contention.
After 4 hours, we decided it was time to go. Dessert had not been served yet, but we were willing to skip it in favor of getting some downtime before bed.
We went into the kitchen to let my SIL (42F), the host, know we would be leaving.
She then physically cornered my husband and pointed her finger at him and said “No way, you’re staying for dessert”. To which he replied, no it’s okay, we don’t want any. This went back and forth, escalating to my SIL pushing my husband in a sort of roughhousing way.
She seemed to think it was a joke because she was laughing the whole time. My husband was laughing too, but I recognized it as the uncomfortable laughter someone does when they don’t know how to react.
In the end, I stepped in and tried to say “No, but really, we’re going to get going” and my SIL then turned to me and (jokingly) said, “If you don’t eat this dessert, I’m going to throw it at your car when you leave”.
For whatever reason, that triggered some instantaneous rage I had never felt before. I got blurred vision. I ended up grabbing the dessert from her hand, slammed it on the counter, and stormed out of the house while yelling at my husband to follow me.
On the drive home, my husband admitted he felt he was being pushed to make a decision he didn’t want to. He also understood my anger but said that it was a little scary to witness and that pretty much everyone in the house noticed my reaction.
That night, my SIL texted that my behavior was rude and I was being ungrateful for her hard work hosting, and offering of food/dessert. I apologized for how I reacted as I was not proud of it after the fact and explained it was not about the dessert itself, but the greater issue of having my boundaries pushed. I added that I got extremely defensive of my husband because I didn’t like seeing him shutting down like that in a conflict.
This last part was what my SIL seemed to fixate on. She told me I shouldn’t be my husband’s babysitter and that he could fight his own battles. She then proceeded to enter a texting war with both me and my husband.
She told me I have mental problems if I’m going to freak out that much about a dessert I don’t want to eat (again, not about the dessert) and that I have no respect for the family and act like I never want to be there.
To my husband, she called him a child for not being able to tell her how he feels in the moment (but this anger is a typical reaction for her, so why would he?).
It all escalated to the point where my SIL now wants zero contact with us has blocked us on everything and told the rest of the family that she doesn’t want us in her life.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The action might’ve been a bit extreme, but the “throw it at your car” thing was bizarre. If he’s showing discomfort you are allowed to back him up. It’s not like he didn’t say “no”, he said no and the sister wasn’t listening.
You weren’t being ungrateful, you had to leave and it’s none of her business as to why. She can’t just hold you hostage until she’s done with you. If she wanted to serve dessert she should’ve served it sooner.
She seems like she wanted a reaction out of you either way. Like if you hadn’t left sure this wouldn’t have happened but if your husband stood up for himself she would’ve made it an argument anyway” Ninjastarkid
Another User Comments:
“YTJ I understand being the “quiet ones” and feeling like your boundaries are pushed may be a difficult experience in a family of outgoing extroverts. Your SIL is however completely in the right: if someone were to completely flip out in my house and ruin the dessert I made, seemingly (as I assume from her perspective there was no build-up to the escalation) out of the blue and unprompted, I would state it’s rude and uncalled for and request an apology.
From your story, it does not seem your boundaries and emotions were communicated or stated before the situation completely escalated. As adults, you’re of course allowed to have emotions and feelings about certain situations, but if you cannot communicate these feelings effectively, you’ll be considered a jerk in most circles.” GoddessIlovebroccoli
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. We can’t control things around us but we can control our actions or reactions. That being said yours was out of line. It was light banter that happens during family get-togethers! You could have just politely put the dessert down and said “Nope we need to leave”.
Your reaction was WAY out of line and you’re dooming his relationship with family if that’s how you’re going to act.” Upbeat_Vanilla_7285
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Be A Big Brother To My Step-Siblings?
“My dad has me (17m) and my two sisters Lauren (13) and Kyla (9). He’s married to “Jean” and she has two kids. Conor (12) and Ruby (6). They got married 3 years ago.
It was just the four of us for many years before that. Mom passed away 3 months after she had Kyla. So Kyla never knew her and Lauren doesn’t remember her that well. As the oldest and given our dad is… imperfect and has more flaws than positives as a dad, I became a sort of parental figure and protective big brother for my sisters.
I helped them get ready for school, would walk them to school, would babysit, would help with homework, and would let them come into my bedroom if they had nightmares. I raised my sisters more than Dad did.
Sometimes I even went to doctor appointments with them because Dad would be distracted by stuff.
When he got married to Jean, nothing huge changed. My sisters and I stayed close. I did a little less. But I did that stuff for my sisters, not for Jean’s kids.
Conor doesn’t care and he does his own thing. But he doesn’t pay attention to Ruby and spends most of his time with friends or when he is home he wants to be alone. Jean feels bad for Ruby and has told my dad that before.
He told her I would always be there if Ruby needed someone and that I was the big brother little girls deserve. He never told me what he said. I never said I would treat Conor and Ruby the same.
I speak to Ruby if she’s around but I don’t go out of my way for her. I don’t love her or care about her as a family member. She’s more like a roommate in my eyes, the same goes for Conor and Jean.
Ruby was having trouble on the school bus and Jean was telling my dad about it. So he told her they’d let me know and I could walk Ruby to school on my way. That I did it/do it with my sisters.
They assumed I would jump right in but I said no when Dad told me. Jean was in the next room listening and she started to cry she told me Ruby needed me to kick the big brother routine up for her because she feels like nobody wants her at home and she’s having trouble on the school bus and at school.
She told me I was always supposed to embrace being the big brother to four instead of two. I told her I never said that. She went for a walk because she needed to clear her head. Dad told me he had reassured Jean that I could do it and I was a great brother.
I told him he should have talked to me before setting expectations about what I would and wouldn’t do and that I would never agree to do all the things for Jean’s kids that I did for my sister.
He asked why not and I told him the difference is I love my sisters. They are my family. I don’t love Jean’s kids and I don’t see them as family. They’re roommates just like he’s a roommate more than a parent or family.
He told me I was showing an unwillingness to grow and negativity that wasn’t fair to Ruby. And that my outrage shows that.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ What is it with remarried parents demanding the children of their blended families to magically turn into a loving family without even considering the actual feelings of the children involved?
I blame the Brady Bunch. Look, you were parentified for your sisters. Already that wasn’t fair to you, though kudos for doing that for them out of love. Expecting you to do it again for people you didn’t choose is too much.
And make that clear. You didn’t choose Jean. You didn’t choose Connor or Ruby. Your dad. It’s his responsibility. Not yours.” GreekAmericanDom
Another User Comments:
“Ntj Setting boundaries is hard when you’ve been parentified but I hope you’re proud of yourself for setting that boundary.
The fact is Ruby is Jean’s kid and if Ruby is struggling it’s on her mom to get her adequate help not offload her responsibilities on a child in the home. Don’t let your father make you feel bad, you have every right to say no.” Stardust_Shinah
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad needs to grow up and look at reality. Stand your ground. I feel bad for Ruby, but maybe they should be badgering her biological brother instead of you. Or I don’t know… do it themselves.
Sorry, you’re dealing with this. Kids being forced to be parents is tough. I’m sure it’s made all the difference in the world for your sisters though. So thank you for their behalves.” fanofthethings
11. AITJ For Not Reading The Bible Gift From My Partner's Mom Despite Not Being Religious?
“Yesterday was my birthday, and I celebrated it with my partner’s family since I’m not in contact with mine. I have never had a problem with his family before, so this threw me out of left field with how odd it all was.
My partner’s family is very religious – this has never been a problem until now. A month or so before my birthday was my partner’s, and he celebrated by inviting his family and me out for dinner. Somehow, the topic of religion came up and before I knew it, his mother was asking what church I go to.
I told her I don’t go to church because I’m not the religious type, and during the dinner, she didn’t react very negatively at that. She just said “Oh” and changed topics.
A week after that, my partner’s mom called and asked me if I wanted to go to church with her the coming Sunday, and I told her no thank you because I was busy.
Honestly, I would have gone if I did have the time – I like socializing, and I know that religion is a big part of her so I wanted to at least show her that I respect that.
I work every day of the week so there was no way I’d be able to make it, though. I thought this was understandable and that was that, so I gave it no more thought.
Until yesterday, when I went out with my in-laws and my partner to the park so we could have a picnic.
Initially, I didn’t want to do anything since I do not take birthdays very seriously, but his family insisted so I decided on a park just so the nieces and nephews of the family could have an excuse to go to a park.
Normally, I don’t get presents for my birthday – I’m usually the one giving them, and I’ve always been okay with that. My partner usually just takes me out for a birthday dinner because he knows I’m not one for material objects since I cherish memories a lot more.
So, when my partner’s mom handed me a bag with colorful paper in it, I was a little confused. No one else had brought anything, mostly because I told them I didn’t expect anything, so I wasn’t quite sure how to react when she eagerly handed it to me.
I accepted it, hugged her, and thanked her. She wanted me to open it right then and there, so I did – she gifted me a gorgeously decorated bible. It had a leather cover with little embroideries, which were gorgeous.
I told her just that, and she seemed happy with that response.
Last night, however, she had called my partner to ask him if I had read the bible at all since I got it. I hadn’t, but I did display it on a mantle because I thought it was pretty – and he told her that.
Apparently, she got upset and told him that I didn’t appreciate the gift that she put so much time into. He tried to tell her that I did appreciate it, but it was just going in one ear and out the other.
I know this isn’t a big deal, but I’m starting to feel a little guilty. AITJ for not appreciating the gift by reading the bible despite not being religious?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The way you handled this was perfectly appropriate.
You thanked her, acknowledged the effort, and even put it on display! There’s never a time that you have to read the Bible or any religious text if you don’t want to. Frankly, that applies to any book, religious or otherwise.
This wasn’t about the gift or appreciation, it’s about wanting you to be more religious” Appropriate-Value54.
Another User Comments:
“Your partner’s mother is (passive-)aggressively trying to get you to become religious. It’s important to her that her child is with someone religious, so she’s doing everything she can to manipulate you in that direction.
You are NTJ, and you should deal with this head-on, or it will only get worse.” Spiraling_Swordfish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My in-laws are very religious. They’ve known from the get-go I am an atheist. I have gone to church with my husband to their church many times because we live 45 min away and we enjoy visiting and having Sunday dinner at their house.
They have never and would never do something like that. His dad when he was still alive would always introduce me to people and proudly say “And she’s an atheist isn’t that something”? Always with a big smile on his face.
For some reason, he just found it astonishing and amusing.” Sleepygirl57
10. AITJ For Refusing To Change My Last Name And Calling Family Therapy A Waste Of Time?
“Me (16f), my twin brother (16m), my mom, and my mom’s husband are in family therapy together. The therapist isn’t bad. I talked to her alone twice before we did sessions with all of us in one room.
But the reason we’re in therapy and the way my mom especially is behaving, I just know it’s a waste of time. My mom and her husband want me and my brother to change our last name to her husband’s name and her name now.
They are also hoping we’ll let him adopt us. But the core focus is our name. They asked us 3 years ago when they first got married and they tried to use guilt and bribery to make it happen.
Guilt was mom saying we weren’t happy for her and if we were we’d accept having the same family name and let her move on from dad after being his widow for 7 years. Bribery was that her husband would pay for college, weddings, and a down payment on a house when we were 25 on top of getting a new car each instead of an old car.
Now the focus is on the fact my mom and him have a kid together and mom is pregnant again. She said we should want the same name as our half-siblings we should want to be more easily identified as a family and we should want to confuse our younger siblings way less.
This has been the thing they have focused on in therapy and they refuse to answer questions the therapist asks them. They talk over her. My brother and I were asked to leave the room 7 times in 2.5 months of appointments because the therapist needed to speak to the adults alone.
The second last time we went she started saying therapy with her should end because they won’t listen to her and do not want her to lead the sessions but my mom and her husband were quick to backtrack and apologize.
But they brought the same stuff up last time.
And last time, I said therapy is a waste of time and we should stop going because it’s not going to help us. I told the therapist I would not change my mind.
I do not want to change my name. I do not want the “family” name. I do not consider my mom’s husband my father or even an important person in my life. I said I think my mom has changed a lot since she got married and I don’t feel like she’s as good of a mom as she used to be.
I said I would never accept having another man’s name and that he’s no different than any other random dude off the street. I said having younger half-siblings changes nothing for me because we will never have the same dad and we will always be a part of different families.
I told them I would not work on making that a goal or try to compromise. So no adding his name to mine, etc. And I said the adults won’t stop repeating themselves and talking over her (therapist) so I’m tired of us all wasting our time.
My mom was so mad at me after therapy because her husband looked offended that I had said all that about him. But she was also mad that I thought I could end therapy when I was “just a kid”.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No, you’re not ‘just a kid’. You’re more the adult that your mum and stepdad are. As it is, your parents are simply using therapy to get their way, that’s all. That is not how therapy works.
You have every right not to want to change your name and your mother should respect that. She doesn’t, because she wants you all to fit into her idea of the perfect blended family. Did you know that 70% of blended families fail?
And that children have almost nothing to gain by being part of one? Stand your ground on this, because if you don’t, it will become the thin end of the wedge of roping you into childcare because ‘you’re family’.
Also, if you do continue therapy, just be honest. Make as much use of therapy for yourself as you can. That’s what therapy is for.” plant rises
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Therapy is where you speak the truth.
You have never changed your position regarding: your last name. Keep it. It is so very odd and manipulative to live through being bribed and scolded re: the name instead of them LISTENING to and VALUING your perspective.—-Your Name that was given at birth—it is ‘you’!
I’m proud of you for articulating what you will and will not do. Your mom and her husband simply want what they want even when the two older kids do not. You are almost 18. Start exploring life options.
This family dynamic will be your ‘home’ for a short time compared to the rest of your life (age 18+). It’s a big world; dream and thrive.” DesertSong-LaLa
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ here, and you’re right. It doesn’t sound like it’s at all because of the therapist either.
Your mom and her husband (I edited from “your parents” because you are clear that they are not) have an outcome they want that is not even about the relationship. They’re trying to use therapy to force you to do this (change your name), and aren’t actually participating in what therapy is for, particularly understanding the other people.
Having the same name would never change the underlying relationships, and their trying to force it is destroying what could have been there. If they decide to withhold funds because of this, work yourself, save your funds (ideally, if an adult’s name is needed on an account, find another adult who can help you), and cut contact as soon as you can.
You may also tell them in therapy that that is what their behavior will lead to. I hope you and your twin together have a strong bond to support each other. I’m sorry your mom and her husband are behaving so badly.” Tangerine_Bouquet
9. AITJ For Getting Angry At My Dad For Sabotaging My Twitch Stream?
“I’m a small Twitch streamer, mainly for fun and as a side hustle while being a stay-at-home mom with a chronic illness. I landed a big sponsorship to stream and get downloads for a game, which was a huge deal for me, especially since my family and friends usually dismiss my streaming.
During my sponsored stream, my dad called. I sent an auto-reply asking if it was urgent or another prank since he’s interrupted my streams before like this. He called again after the message, and I knew it was a joke, so I declined. He texted, “Come on.
I can be part of your show. The annoying interrupting dad. Thought about that?” I ignored him and kept talking about the game.
Then 15 minutes later, my mom called me and I sent a similar message about streaming and is it urgent.
She responds “He wants to know why you won’t talk to him? Did he do something”. Right away I realized he went through his ex-wife to contact me. My response was “I’m streaming and he knows I’m streaming.
He is using you to get to me. He knows it will interfere with my job.” I call my stream my job since it is my only source of income.
I asked my husband to call my dad to remind him how important this stream is to me.
At this point it has been maybe 30-40 minutes live with my 4 regular viewers trying to communicate with me and my best friend(mod) talking to hold over my silence. So I finally am getting back to the game and my 5-year-old son who has autism walks up and loudly asks/screams, why are you ignoring Grandpa when he wants you to talk to him?
I hear over the speakerphone in the doorway my husband trying to grab my son, my dad, and my sister laughing. My husband grabs my son and leaves, but the damage is done and I’m shot. I’m crying ugly and end my stream abruptly and raid out to my friend/mod I was supposed to play the game with later in the stream.
When my husband called, they asked if our son was awake to say hi, but it was just a way to get to me. I know it wasn’t his fault, and he didn’t get in trouble, but it was so nasty of my family to use him like that.
He’s too young to understand and just saw me crying, thinking I was mad at him for interrupting my stream. On top of that, I felt defeated from a failed sponsorship stream due to a prank.
So here is why I’m asking if I’m the jerk, because of my response to him.
Was I rude for using harsh language in my texts?
Myself- You made me angry. I’m very livid. I get this means nothing to you. I get that you see my source of income as a joke.
Thanks. Next time you are in a work call I’ll have everyone interrupt you.
Dad- I didn’t think it was a joke.
Myself- You did. This hurt me. I’m crying
Dad- Have a good night.
Myself- This is my sponsorship. You are being a jerk to me at my job. It isn’t funny and you hurt me.
Dad- Goodbye
Myself- Whatever.
After this conversation, he blocked me on social media. Why I am asking did my reaction make me the jerk here?
Am I just overreacting to a stupid prank?”
Another User Comments:
“So he called you, he called your mom, and finally weaponized your son when that didn’t work. He did not apologize at any point and blocked you. He wants to be on stream.
That’s it. It’s not about you. I think that makes it worse. NTJ. ” dryadduinath
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – not by a longshot. He knew what he was doing. The fact that he’s dismissed your concerns without so much as an apology demonstrates that this was deliberate.
Next time, block him (heck, block all of them) during the duration of your next event so that you can get your work done in peace.” DeskRider
Another User Comments:
“Your support team (mod and husband) need to step up their game.
They are there to protect you and your job, and they honestly failed in that. Not that you should be angry at them, but you need to sit down with them and decide how to manage this going forward.
With a father trying to sabotage you, and a sweet little child who could burst in at any moment, your home-based stream is a bit vulnerable to potential upsets. I watch streamers, and respect the ones who have strong security and professionalism; it’s noticeable when their setup is subpar, and there are disturbances and interruptions to their stream.
You DESERVE a good security setup and protection from disturbances so you can grow your channel and thrive. I’m sorry this happened to you. Your dad is deeply immature and selfish. You have every reason to distance yourself if you decide to do so.
As for your baby, not so much of a problem, but as a stream viewer, I tend to stop watching a streamer if there are constant interruptions to a game or lecture that I want to view. A rare, quick appearance of a child can be charming.
The best of luck to you with your channel!” OlympiaShannon
8. AITJ For Lying To My Fiancé About A Bachelor Party?
“To start, my partner has some anxieties. She is also vigilant about me looking at other women. If I said that it was a coincidence or that I hadn’t noticed what she was referring to, or when I would acknowledge I had looked, this was also upsetting for her.
She would make me turn away if there was intimate women on screen.
I got invited to a bachelor party, and we never spoke about whether there would be a dancer there. Previously we spoke about how we would never have one at our parties, and we both agreed that engaging with one we’d consider unfaithful.
At the party, I sat away from the group while she did the show for the groom. I was on a chair by the kitchen while the rest of the group sat on couches in the living room.
The dancer went around to each guy, trying to get them to eat things from her body, etc. and I rejected her from coming into my space, the only one to do so. I didn’t enjoy sitting in, and I found myself looking away for large portions.
I left with a confirmed feeling of how that stuff wasn’t for me.
I got home, I could tell my partner was anxious. She had a written list of questions about where we went, what we did, and whether there was a dancer.
I told her there was, but I said I had left the room. I lied. I thought it would be the easier road, by keeping this lie, knowing that at the heart of it, there was nothing that occurred that sullied our relationship.
However, she is traditional and was shocked about hearing what happened.
A week later she tells me she knows there is more, but I’m in a safe space to tell her and she won’t get mad. She had gone through the group chat of the guys that were there.
I don’t know what she’s found, so I come clean after some difficulty not really knowing what she was talking about.
She loses it and says I’ve been unfaithful to her based on our agreement. She says I don’t have the same values as her, that I’ve coveted and something was missing in our relationship.
AITJ? I give/gave my fiance so much energy, time, and love, and adhered to so many of her requests of my behavior previously. I’ve given her no reason to doubt my fidelity, though I must acknowledge that I have hidden things out of worry about what she might think or say.
I made a poor choice, and I regretted sitting in on the show. But I kept my distance and I thought that would be enough. We are both working professionals, two months away from going on a 9-month trip around Europe and were looking at buying property together.
And all of that is gone. We are still talking, but I know it seems like she is already checked out”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Lying to your partner is never a good choice. You can’t build a solid relationship on this basis.
But your former partner is extremely controlling, to the point of toxicity: she doesn’t decide if you have to take meds or not. That’s very dangerous for your health. What if one day (God forbid) you have cancer and she she forbids you from doing chemo because she is against substances?” 000-Hotaru_Tomoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m so sorry to read this because I feel you’ve done nothing wrong. You are being judged and treated like a criminal for something you did not even freaking do! You’re persecuted for looking in the direction of another person!
The fact that you’re “adhering to her requests” for your behavior shows that she wants a puppet and not a partner. Do you want to live the rest of your life married to someone who is going to have a list of questions waiting for you anytime you are not in her presence?
Are you going to submit to her beliefs and ways of thinking, even if they do not agree with your opinion and views? Will you need to have her permission to do things that you like, to make sure they’re in alignment with her values?
Something doesn’t seem right to me. Has she been in a relationship with someone who has done some of the things she’s suspicious of you for doing? If you’ve given her no basis for her beliefs, what’s happened to cause her to feel and behave so irrationally?” imhereforfun72
7. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Pay His Traffic Ticket With His Fun Money?
“I’m a 34-year-old woman, married to my 38-year-old husband in the US. We have a joint account, where 95% of our joint income goes. 5% of our remaining shared income is then split evenly between us.
The whole idea is that we use the joint account for bills, groceries, rent, and other shared expenses, while the split 5% is our fun money. We can use the fun money for fun, individual expenses, like new clothes or electronics.
For example, my husband saved up his fun money for several months and bought a nice PC to play video games on. I usually spend my fun money on drinks out with friends.
I’m not sure how it works in other countries, but here in the US every year we must renew our car registration.
It will cost us a little less than $200. We had to renew the registration by May at the latest. (Actually, we had to renew it in April, but the DMV gives drivers a 1 month grace period, so we had until May to renew the registration.)
My husband and I share the car (it’s our only car) so of course the expenses come out of our joint account, but the car is in my husband’s name. When the reminder to renew our car came in the mail (around March) I told my husband to pay for the registration.
He told me he would.
By April I reminded him again twice. Both times he acknowledged me and told me he would.
It’s October now, and he has not paid for the registration yet. I’m busy with my own work and household responsibilities.
For example, I usually cook and grocery shop for our household. Plus, my husband told me he’d take care of the registration so I completely forgot about it by May. I just assumed he paid for it.
Believe me, I had no malice or aggression in not reminding him—I was just busy with my own tasks.
A week ago, he actually got pulled over on his way back from work. The cop ticketed my husband for the expired registration.
The ticket is $50. My husband came home in a panic and went to pay the car registration. He also wants to use the money in our joint account to pay for the ticket.
This is where the issue comes in.
I told him no. It was his responsibility to pay for the car registration. It’s not even that hard to pay for the registration—it’s entirely done online. It takes less than 10 minutes. I do not want our joint money to pay for his mistake, especially since money is tight right now.
I want him to pay for this ticket with his fun money because actions have consequences. Again, he had months to click through a few prompts on the DMV website. My husband told me that is BS. His fun money is for fun.
He’s saving up for a couple of new video games and that $50 from his fun money account will set him back. His mom and dad think I’m being cruel and petty. Maybe I am but he needs to learn that his behavior has consequences.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, you’re being completely reasonable here. He knew it needed to be done. You reminded him more than once and he told you each time he acknowledged it and said he’d do it.
And then he just didn’t do it. If it were an honest mistake, fine, those things happen. But it wasn’t an honest mistake. He simply chose not to take the 10 minutes to register it. Why should you be punished by having to have that money come out of your shared account?” gordonf23
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were good to remind him 3 times, each time he assured you he had the task under control. This is a very small consequence for failure to follow through, and it should come out of his fun money.
If it was a huge expense I might lean towards helping him out but this isn’t going to impact him for years to come, it’s going to delay him getting a new game that he wants, and to me, that seems a fair consequence.
Welcome to adulthood.” Spare_Ad_4907
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m in Cali, not sure what state you’re in but I do know that if you don’t pay the tags on time you’re also paying a late fee (that’s here anyway).
I guess my question is, was there a late fee, how much did he end up paying for the tags out of the joint account? I can bet he had to pay more for them since they were expired!
If that’s the case (I’m petty af) I would say he already used the joint account to pay the late fees on the registration, so he is using his fun money to pay HIS ticket.” Ok_Imagination_83
6. AITJ For Not Wanting My Friends To Stay Over Anymore Due To Their Disrespectful Behavior?
“I (25F) and my fiancée (24M) have two friends (22F/30M) who stay with us on occasion and for work.
I used to be close with them, however, their recent actions have made me question this friendship, and I no longer want them to stay in my home.
For context, I am very fortunate that I have a home in a very desirable and touristy area.
My home is surrounded by a ton of attractions, and it is very centrally located. Anyway, my friends, love to stay at my home, but lately, they will make plans with me and then ditch me when they are staying in my home to get heavily intoxicated. For example, I asked if they would like to go out for dinner and they agreed- ten minutes later I found out they left and went to a bar to get heavily intoxicated. They came back at 2 in the morning, and they were hammered. This has happened on several occasions, and because they both cannot control their drinking habits, they have broken a couple of my items and destroyed a couch.
The straw that broke the camel’s back for me was the last two instances. The first time, they asked if they could hang out at my place, and I allowed them to. They randomly left an hour later and came back in the middle of the night heavily intoxicated. The younger of my two friends broke into my bedroom and asked if they could have one of my dogs sleep with them.
I told them no, and she grabbed my dog’s tail so hard he yelped and his behind hit the upper part of his crate. My fiancée got them to the guestroom, and she eventually fell asleep. The last time, my other dog had emergency surgery, and they said they wanted to come, support me, and help me with overnight care as my other dog had to have a limb amputated. They came to the hospital and left ten minutes later because my younger friend “left her backpack at her work.” Hours later, I found out they were at a bar and wanted to come back late.
I yelled at them saying that they were selfish and that if they didn’t get back at a reasonable time I would not open the door because my poor dog would wake up and he was in a ton of pain.
Further, the older friend asked if they could stay over, but I was helping one of my friends move that day. I said he could stay as long as he helped, and he showed up heavily intoxicated, complained about helping, and started going through my friend’s liquor and opened a bottle of tequila that my friend and I were saving for her daughter’s 21st birthday.
Fast forward to today, I am Jewish, and my favorite holiday is here. Guess who blew me off? Yup. She asked for a time for tomorrow last night, and neither ever showed up. I am done with their behavior, and I no longer want them to stay at my house.
Both my fiancée and I used to be close with these two, however, I do not know how many chances I should give them. I know they are both struggling mentally, but how far is too far?
So, WIBTJ for no longer allowing those two friends to no longer stay over?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not kicking these jerks out when they hurt your dog. You need to protect yourself and those in your care.
Sorry for being harsh but when you have kids or pets you are responsible for keeping their home safe. Get these people out of your life asap, you are doing the right thing.” Apprehensive-Cat2527
Another User Comments:
“Very big NTJ It is a miracle that you have put up with them for so long.
Honestly, it doesn’t seem like they care much about spending time with you but kinda use you like an Airbnb without paying or behaving like proper guests. (And honestly, I would have thrown them out the instance they hurt my pets).
Cut ties in whatever way you like. Some ‘friends’ are not worth keeping.” bluesnowdrops
5. AITJ For Not Letting My Kids Stay At Their Grandparents' Because Of Scary Stories Told By Their Uncle?
“I (M40) and my partner (M42) have 2 children both under 4 years old. As a family, we are close to both sides of the family. It’s not unusual for us to leave the kids with their grandparents so we can get nights for ourselves be it for work or social reasons.
However, after a recent visit to my in-laws both of the kids started having nightmares about scary things that were coming to get them etc. After a few nights and conversations between me and my partner trying to work out if they’d watched anything scary or if we’d watched anything that might trigger this, we drew a blank.
After talking to our eldest we managed to piece together that my brother-in-law, who is 29, had told them scary stories.
My brother-in-law lives with his parents and has done so for the past few years since his last serious relationship broke down.
He’s always been amazing with the kids and they love him. I decided to call him and see what he had to say as I believed my child but also wanted to hear his side. Long story short he said he’d told them about scarecrows that will walk at night and kidnap children from their beds etc. For the record, we live beside a field and yes there are scarecrows in it.
The conflict started as I asked him to tell the kids he was making up these stories and even suggested we go a walk into the field and show that the scarecrows are just straw people wearing human clothes.
He laughed and said there was no way he was going to do that as kids being scared is a part of growing up. I obviously said he’d upset the kids and I expected him to put it right.
Well, he again refused and we ended the call.
When I ended the call I told my partner there was no way the kids were going to stay with his parents until this was resolved. My partner was, and rightly so, upset at me and said I shouldn’t take it out on them that his brother is a tool.
So I told him to call his brother to fix it and he got the same result. As a result of this, his parents were told the situation and explained due to my BiL not willing to tell the kids he was making stuff up to scare them the kids wouldn’t be left on their own at their house if he was there.
My FiL is amazing and has told him to tell the truth as he wants to see the kids but my mother-in-law claims I’m overreacting and my BiL will tell the truth in time but doesn’t like being told to do things.
My kids don’t want to see their uncle just now (actually the more time passes the less they want to see him) and don’t want to go to their grandparents as he is there. This has been explained to my mother-in-law who vehemently defends their uncle.
My in-laws visit my house to see the kids and we still go out and about so it’s not like the kids are being withheld from their grandparents. I just won’t budge until apologize or tell the kids the truth but don’t want to be left with the kids now.
AITJ for not letting the kids stay at their grandparents?”
Another User Comments:
“You sound like a terrific parent. Your BIL sounds like a tad sadistic. He knows he hurt your children but he refused to remedy it?
No, thank you. This man can’t be trusted with your children. Ever. If this upsets your MIL, that’s unfortunate, but she’s not the one waking up at night with terrifying nightmares thanks to her son’s terrible judgment. (Or intentional cruelty, which would be worse.
It’s hard to make the call given his refusal to fix the harm he caused.) Don’t budge. Don’t waver. Trust your instincts and listen to your kids who don’t want to be around their uncle. When an adult makes children uncomfortable, warning bells should be going off.
You’re doing the right thing. I realize that this must be hard for your husband, but I’m sure he knows what a great father you are and that he sees that your position is what’s best for the kids.
NTJ” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“Your BiL has admitted he scared your *toddlers* and refuses to take simple steps like *telling the truth* to fix the damage? Of course, he should never be allowed around them unsupervised by you again!
And it’s not about “the children being at their grandparents’ house” because it’s also their uncle’s house, the uncle that can’t be trusted. So either the grandparents need to accept that the kids won’t be there unless the parents are there, they need to make the uncle fix this, or they need to kick the uncle out for the kids to be allowed there.
NTJ” imnvs_runvs
Another User Comments:
“I hate to be mean but his sadism is probably the reason he’s back to being single and living with his parents at 29. Because he has no one to bully he’s resorted to terrifying young children (says a lot about his true character).
Your MIL is an enabler for him and I‘d be a bit concerned that she isn’t concerned (the 13-year age gap between your SO and him leads me to believe he’s been babied all his life).
I don’t know if your SO has any other siblings but your SO will have been in college by the time he was 4 or 5 and could therefore be akin to an only child. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s jealous of your children and won’t apologize precisely because it means they won’t be around anymore.” East_Parking8340
4. AITJ For No Longer Caring About My Estranged Son's Life?
“Let me start this off with I love my child, I’ve fought and fought for many years with his mother to be in his life.
Only to be met with resistance consistently. She honestly didn’t care if I was there or not as long as the child support was paid I heard nothing from her.
I truly believe she did not want me in his life.
Planning things on my scheduled visitations & not letting it be made up the following weekend got aggravating. When it came to things he wanted to do, I was not going to stop him from doing them. I did not mind sacrificing the time.
I understand he’s gonna want to hang out with friends, and partner & go to family events.
I made the biggest mistake telling her one day that he could come when he wanted. He has friends, a partner & is a teen.
I understand I was that age once. Let him have fun. This ultimately backfired. After that phone call, I saw him once more & that was it. To this day I do not know what was said to him & that was 7 years ago.
I couldn’t have his phone number or email. To be clear he’s now an adult & I still don’t know his phone #. He refuses to see or speak to me or anyone on my side of the family.
She let him talk to my mother before she passed so she could say goodbye, only to turn & say I kept it from him. Knowing I told her long before.
I ended up having a conversation with a friend about this as she had asked me about it.
I told her I’ve yet to hear from him & am not worried about it. I’ve stopped worrying about things I couldn’t control long ago.
She asked me a question “HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF HE NEVER bothered with you for the rest of your life, never let you know if you were a grandparent & just never let you know anything about his life?”
I told her I had thought about that before &, to be honest, it wouldn’t bother me. I’ve been estranged for 7 years now. I’ve missed all the major milestones, missed seeing him become an adult, at this point, I have no idea who he is & he is basically a stranger to me.
At some point, you accept that this is your situation and there’s not much you can do.
After a while, you stop caring because you realize you’ll drive yourself crazy & keep yourself depressed for something you have 0 control over.
This answer did not go over well. Let me state this first; she’s married & has children. I believe this will add context to why she responded the way she did. Which I understood & respected as we all have our views, but I do not agree with them.
She said that I had become heartless, and cold & can’t believe I’d think that way after all the years of fighting I did. She said she never in a million years would think I would have thought like that.
You are a parent, you are supposed to never stop fighting no matter how many walls you have to climb. I’m truly shocked & disappointed that you’d think like this. I love you, we’ve been good friends for many years, but I can’t agree with your line of thought on this.
So, what do you think? AITJ for my view of this situation with my son?”
Another User Comments:
“Let me get this straight: when your son was a teen, you told your ex that it would be up to your son to decide when to see you, thus putting the onus for communication and visitation on your minor child.
While he was still a minor did you bother to invite him over to see you or to do activities with him? Did you regularly call him? Send birthday cards? Invite him for holidays? Show up to major events like recitals, and graduation?
Or did you just wait for your teen son to initiate all contact with you? Because you were the parent. It was your job to reach out to your kid. If his mom prevented you from talking directly to him, it was your job to go through the court system to make sure you have an unobstructed avenue of contact.
If he had lots of activities or social stuff he wanted to do during your time with him, then your job was to figure out how you would get those things while he spent time with you. NGL sounds like you sat on your backside and put the onus on your kid to have a relationship with you.
I wouldn’t call you either.” Copterwaffle
Another User Comments:
“I want to say NTJ, but I can’t get over you saying you had no way to communicate with your son, and only saw him 1 time after you told your ex he didn’t have to come.
At that point, he was still a minor, and you should have had access to a phone number, email, home address, something where you could speak to him and ask why he never wanted to spend time with you.
I’m not going to give a judgment, but I don’t understand why you didn’t stay more involved when he was underage. Adult, sure, nothing you can do. Child, you have parental rights that you could have used to force communication.” ncslazar7
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say you tried, but did you? When your ex refused to let you take him during your scheduled times, you should have taken her back to court. Instead, you just accepted it and pretended that you were “sacrificing” so he could “do the things he wanted”.
He may have wanted whatever shiny thing your ex was dangling in front of him at the moment, but he was a CHILD. He didn’t know better. What he needed was his father and you didn’t bother to make any real effort to be in his life.
Your son gave up on you only because you gave up on him first. You can blame your ex all you want, but the truth is that you could have maintained a relationship with him if you wanted to.
She wouldn’t have been able to keep you from him. You could have gone to court, you could have sued for shared custody, and you could have brought her up on parental alienation if she was actively trying to separate you from him.
This is your fault. And the fact that you’re more worried about what your friend thinks of you than the fact that you haven’t seen your son in 7 years says everything about the kind of father you were.” Helpful_Hour1984
3. AITJ For Expecting My Wife To Do Yard Work On Her Days Off So I Can Watch Football?
“My wife (40F) and I (39M) have been married for 7 years and have 2 kids (4 & 2). We both work full-time but have different schedules. I work a standard M-F 40-hour week. My wife’s job requires her to work Saturdays so she takes random days off during the week to compensate.
Both of our kids are in daycare during the week.
When my wife takes a day off during the week, she will get chores done like cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc. It is great that she can get that stuff done on her off days.
But these are things that can also be done on the weekend. She will leave other, more labor-intensive chores for me to do on the weekend. We have a 1-acre yard so there is always yard work to be done.
And it is nearly impossible for me to do that kind of work on Saturdays when she’s at work and I have the kids.
I’ve talked to her numerous times about doing yardwork on her days off when I’m at work and the kids are in daycare.
But she refuses because “it’s too hard.” Which, yeah, I know. I’m the only one who does it. It’s even harder when you’re chasing around 2 kids. This means that I have to spend pretty much my entire Sunday doing yard work.
Every single week.
We’ve argued because she gets work and a kid-free day to herself to get things done. But she picks the easiest chores and leaves the hard ones for me to do on my one remaining weekend day.
I work M-F, then have the kids by myself all day Saturday. I just want to spend some time on Sunday watching football and relaxing. But I can’t because of the yardwork.
This past week, my wife took Thursday off and got some chores done.
When I got home with the kids that night, she made some comments that made me mad. She kept saying “We still need to mow the lawn this weekend.” “We need to trim some bushes and trees and bring the brush to the yard waste site.” “I think we should rake up all the fallen pine needles and pinecones to use as fire-starters.”
I snapped at her and asked her which of those things she was going to do since she kept saying “we.” She got defensive and said that she was going to be watching the kids so that I could get that stuff done.
I told her that I think she is using the word “we” incorrectly then because it sounds like I’m going to be the one doing all of it.
She then went off about all the things she got done on her day off.
When I told her that I could do all of those things on Saturday, even with the kids, she refused to do any of the hard stuff. I then asked her if she could tell me the last day she had the kids by herself when I wasn’t home.
She couldn’t answer and called me a jerk.
I told her if I can learn to fold a fitted sheet, then she can learn how to use a rake, a lawnmower, etc. I also told her that I am going to start planning things for myself on weekends so that I have my own time, even if it means hiring a sitter.
She thinks I’m overreacting and expecting too much of her because the yard work is hard.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for presenting this as being about equal labor when it’s really about football. You seem to think that her midweek child-free day to clean the whole house entitles you to a child-free day to sit on your backside watching TV.
All you are proving here is how little respect you have for the things she does to keep the household running smoothly. You seem to feel like it’s not real work. Get earbuds and stream the game to your phone while you work, if it’s that important to you.
Or hire a lawn care service.” Independent_Prior612
Another User Comments:
“It sounds like you don’t value the work she puts into y’all’s home. Groceries, laundry, and cleaning are all as important as yard work if not more… She doesn’t relax on her off days why do you think only you deserve to?
Sounds like you need to hire someone to do your yard work since you can’t seem to handle it. With something like that in place, you can help her with other chores you deem easy instead and y’all can both get some rest days in.
Take a step back and look at all she’s done for your family before you start feeling sorry for yourself.” tsp62
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She’s not getting a day off either. She’s not sitting around on her day off during the week.
She’s getting stuff done which you don’t seem to value. You are in a phase of life where kids are small and you don’t get much of a break. Hire a lawn service. But you are being a jerk by demanding she do the heavy chores so you can watch football.” Maleficent-Ice3200
2. AITJ For Wanting My Partner To Help With Cooking Despite His Dislike For It?
“I (28F) live with my significant other (32M). We have been together for 4 years and have lived together for 2. I love cooking and learning new recipes. I will often try making things from scratch and am learning how to meal prep.
He does not like to cook or grocery shop. When we were first seeing each other long distance, I would see (over video calls) him preparing his food for the week. He has always said that he is not a great cook and is nervous because he feels like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Years later we started living together and I took on most if not all of the cooking and grocery shopping. I do not usually mind unless I am getting burnt out from life or decision-making. Over the years I have tried to include him in cooking with me to teach him, in grocery shopping so that I made sure we both had things at the house, as well as buy him a cookbook with easy-to-make recipes.
He barely offers any suggestions for anything food-related and says that he would be more than happy to live off of PBJ. I will say this, I do not expect him to cook all of the time or even grocery shop.
I would just love a little bit of help from time to time.
We are both working on trying to develop better habits at home and otherwise work toward being more disciplined. Over the past 3 months, our schedules have drastically changed. I am at work at 7:30 am every morning, working 10.5 hours a day Monday through Friday and I am picking up shifts on the weekend to help with bills.
He works night-time restaurant hours and most days leaves the house between 3 and 5 pm to get back home around 12. Before the schedule change, I voiced my need for help with prepared meals. Every time I am met with “You know I hate cooking” “I don’t know what to make” or “I don’t know what’s in the kitchen”.
Today I asked him if he wouldn’t mind making dinner since I didn’t think there was anything prepared. I knew that he wouldn’t have to go to work until late (we share a Google calendar) and his cooking would help me out since I am only awake at home for maybe 4 hours (2 in the morning and 2 when I get home).
He says the things he always says when I ask him and I respond by asking if he sees my point at all. He honestly thinks that his cooking maybe twice a week should be sufficient, and honestly, that’s more than he normally cooks.
I am frustrated with this argument and feel like he doesn’t care if there is food in the house or if I eat during the day. Am I the jerk for continuing to try to get him to cook occasionally?
Or should I just let it go?”
Another User Comments:
“He is a grown man, he should know how to cook. I’m the cook in our household, I like tasty, elaborate meals and was shocked because my ex used to make me mid to disappointing food.
Anyway, now I taught myself how to cook good food and taught my wife how to cook simple, good meals as well. Any adult should know how to cook decent good food. My advice to you is to cook only for yourself, he can learn to feed himself.
Buy food only for yourself, cook for yourself, and let him eat his PB&J. He will complain, but you don’t care, it might suck, he could decide to improve or not, and you could break up because of that, but it’s better to be alone and happy than miserable together.” Palgem1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Just start cooking for yourself lol. I mean I hate cooking as well. My wife cooks 98% of the time. But the few times she asks me to cook I do it with a smile on my face.
That’s what being a partner is all about. She does the same for me with my chores every once in a while.” Complex_Storm1929
1. AITJ For Sticking To My Anniversary Getaway Plan Despite My Wife's Last Minute Changes?
“My wife (37F) and I (34M) will be celebrating our 10th anniversary. This year, I was asked to do the planning for a getaway.
My wife has been the one to plan itineraries for vacations. I have planned before, but along with her, she usually wants to have a lot of input on the specifics. I vacation differently and can be happy anywhere as long as I can sit down with a drink in hand.
She can be more fastidious.
So, our dynamic when we vacation is that I defer to what she would like, and I try to stay within budget and work overtime. I make enough to support our family on a single income and have the opportunity to work extra hours when needed for occasions.
We had talked about it months before, and she thought it would be nice if I planned things for a change. I was excited by this. My wife can be rather specific when it comes to vacations and meeting her expectations would be a challenge … but, being able to take her away on a romantic getaway where everything is taken care of and she can enjoy herself, seemed to be a very romantic gesture.
She sent ideas of what she would like and there were a lot of rural/luxurious B&B venues. I took this feedback and found something that she did not send me but fit the theme. The place we would be staying was a bit pricier but came with a lot of amenities.
I made reservations at a few spots and took off work, allowing us 5 days.
Prior to finalizing our lodging plans a few weeks prior, I sat down with her to review and confirm dates. The only input I was looking for was which room she would prefer, between a couple of premium suites that they offer.
She was impressed, though the choice of which suite was a process and she had to do her research. She picked the suite she wanted. As I’m about to pay, she states: “I just feel if we are going to spend this much money, we can find some flights and do something adventurous.”
I already had other arrangements set. I was a little shocked and processed what she said. She starts looking up flights and goes into her vacation planning zone.
I thought I had succeeded in planning our 10th, and she is talking about how to use my 5 days off better.
I felt that my plans were seen as subpar, and I decided at the moment to discuss this with her. I told her: “I feel a little hurt that you are replacing the plans I had already made.”
I explained how she had asked me to do this. I asked her if she saw something wrong with my plans, and she said no – and why she felt our 5 days could be utilized differently. She felt she had to “be honest about how she thought we could spend our five days.” I finished our disagreement with this: “If you would like to plan a different, more adventurous vacation for another time, you are welcome to do so.
But, for this one, I am moving forward with the plans I made.”
I then submitted the payment for my plans. She was a bit put off by that. She started to cry and has been withdrawn from me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She asked you to plan this vacation and gave you ideas and suggestions, swooped in to change what you had organized to something she wanted, and then went into a sulk when you called her out on her behavior.
I’d be annoyed too. If she had a more specific vision in mind then she should have communicated this to you earlier.” Pure-Philosopher-175
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your wife is controlling and has gaslighting tendencies. Why insist you make an effort to suit her needs (it’s an anniversary but it seems like yours don’t matter), she agrees with the plans and then at the last minute she takes over.
Only someone who needs to control every single detail behaves like that. OP – what big gesture is your wife doing for you for your milestone anniversary? Something that is about you?” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
It seems like she was expecting a weekend getaway, and felt like you blew the year’s whole vacation budget on just hanging around a nice room for 5 days. If you already know that she has very specific ideas, you should have let her know it was 5 days before your trip and asked what activities she might have wanted. Maybe she would have liked to go to Greece or Iceland if you were spending what it cost to hang around with a drink in your hand at an expensive place for the same amount of money.
Planning a trip doesn’t mean not discussing it.” Spiritual_Meeting181
