People Want Us To Delve Into Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I’m pregnant, my due date was two days ago. Family and friends are, understandably, constantly asking for updates, wanting to know if the baby has arrived yet.

I’m happy to oblige with info – seeing and feeling the support network around us is comforting. But I’m also a little skittish. I grew up in an awful family, with an extremely intrusive mother (Borderline Personality Disorder), so I’m particular about invasions of my personal space and privacy.

I was raised with a skewed perspective of what is “normal” – how much access I owe to whom – so I’m still learning where and how to place and reinforce boundaries. Which is where you good people come in.

A good friend of mine, who is aware of my upbringing, pushed me a bit too far the other day.

Bit more background. We moved last week. We helped renovate the new place and are fixing up the old.

My doc has been expecting me to go into labor for the past three weeks, I’ve been having intermittent contractions every day, and we’ve been on continuous baby alert, which is nerve-wracking and physically taxing.

I haven’t been able to walk or stand for more than a few minutes for the past three months because I have SPD (pregnancy-related loosening of the pelvic bones, fairly painful stuff). The holidays were underway.

We have a big dog that needs daily exercise. My SO has really stepped up, he’s worked his butt off to make all of this happen before the baby comes – basically alone, since I’ve been sidelined by the pregnancy – while working a full-time job.

We’re in good spirits, but a LOT has been going on.

My friend is a freelancer and just finished a big project. There’s now a lull in her work schedule. Her partner’s family is visiting for the holidays from overseas.

She’s a bit bored and also looking to escape her in-laws every once in a while.

So. Day one of our (two-day) move, she texts me to complain about how everything is “too much” and how she just broke down crying because she’s under so much pressure, having to work right up until her in-laws arrive.

I don’t answer, because I’m lying in bed, trying to breathe through contractions and postpone labor, all while my SO and two friends are taking down and reassembling our kitchen in the new place.

The next day (our big moving day), she texts me again to ask how things are going. I am cooking lunch for a dozen people who showed up to help us out, so again I don’t answer.

She texts a third time, now in a panic, assuming I might be in labor. We’re currently carrying all of our junk into the new place, so I don’t see the text. She calls me, but I don’t see the call.

She then calls my SO, who doesn’t see the call. I finally discover that she’s been trying to reach me and tell her that no, I’m not in labor, I’ve just been very busy.

Because we’re moving, which she is aware of. She texts that she’s going to be checking in a lot over the next few days. I say I probably won’t be able to answer her if I’m in labor anyway.

She says “exactly, that way I’ll know”. This creeps me out. I tell her she’s sweet, but that she’s applying too much pressure, and that I will let her know when things start going down.

A few days later, on Christmas Eve, she texts me, wanting to exchange gifts. I tell her no, there’s just too much going on, I’d like to meet up after we’ve finished setting up the new apartment, after the holidays.

She says OK and backs off for a bit. Two days later (still officially the holidays here in Europe), she texts me again, saying she has some free time and wants to stop by.

I answer, again, that there’s too much stuff going on and clearly state that I will let her know when we’re ready for visitors. Two more days go by. She texts again. Her partner’s family has left town, so now they’re free to help out with the move if we need anything.

I say, again, thanks but we’re fine, we might need help painting in a week or two but we’re good till then, and AGAIN, that I will approach her when we’re ready for visitors and to exchange gifts.

Two days go by. She texts again. She’ll be in the neighborhood that afternoon and would like to come by to exchange gifts. I don’t see the text message because I’m busy as heck building furniture and, again, breathing through contractions.

When she doesn’t get a reply, she just shows up at our door, partner and gifts in tow. I’m shocked and angry, but polite, and invite them in for a chat. They do us a favor and take the dog for a walk, but that really just throws us off schedule, because they stay out longer than planned and want to open gifts afterward – I can’t start any new big tasks until they come back, so I lose a lot of valuable furniture building time.

We exchange gifts. It’s a bit strained but OK.

Right before they leave, she lets drop that when she couldn’t reach me or my SO on moving day, she started researching what hospitals are in the vicinity of our apartment, and calling them to find out if I’m registered there, and if so, whether I’ve gone into labor.

(She knows that I made an extra effort to register privately because I’m afraid my parents will do exactly this, then show up at the hospital and make a scene.) Then I snap.

I tell her (politely, with no rage, though SO says he could see I was seething) that this is not OK, that it’s a sensitive time and that we need more space. While they’re leaving, I give her a hug so she doesn’t feel too bad.

I’m not sure why she’s so focused on my pregnancy and birth. When she’s busy, she hardly pays attention – when she’s not, she gets pretty intense. She has said a number of times that she wants to see how my body has changed in the last weeks of pregnancy.

(I hate that. I am not a circus attraction.) She’s commented a lot about how I haven’t gained too much weight, how lucky that is, and also how odd she finds that to be.

She has always commented on how slim I am. So my best-educated guess is that she was pushing to see me while still pregnant both out of boredom and out of some sort of morbid fascination with my body.

But I do also think that she genuinely wants to support us however she can – it just has to be on her terms. Which is totally OK. I may have also been too nice during all of this?

Not clear and direct enough? That may have caused some confusion for her.

Relevant side story: She and her partner were supposed to watch our dog when I go into labor. When I found out her in-laws were coming to visit right before my due date, I had to ask if they could still take on the dog if the baby comes while they’re visiting.

Her response was basically: “Oh yeah, come to think of it, I guess not, haha! If you don’t find anyone else, let me know, but we really don’t have time after all.” I hate to think what would have happened if I had gone into labor without clearing that up first. But – also – before the move, her partner spent an entire afternoon helping us build a cupboard for the kitchen, and expected nothing in return, which was awesome.

He has helped us numerous times before. We usually cook them a big fancy meal as a thank you.

That evening, after the forced visit, I text her an explanation – that I understand that she’s emotionally involved, and that I’m glad I have her support, but that I am not comfortable with her behavior.

That forcing a visit after being told numerous times that we did not want them stopping by meant she didn’t respect our boundaries and that it made me worry about what it could be like when the baby is here.

Will she disregard our wishes then too? And that calling hospitals to find out where I’m registered is intrusive. I also told her that not every woman enjoys her body being viewed and evaluated in the last weeks of pregnancy because it’s a really awkward and uncomfortable time.

I ended the text on a positive note, thanking her for her help and interest, but I was still pretty direct about the whole thing. She didn’t react well and said I’m being overly critical and hypersensitive, that I’d deeply hurt her feelings and created distance between us, and that all of her previous pregnant friends appreciated the effort she put in.

Basically: That I’m the weird one.

So. Am I pushing her away for no reason? Was her behavior normal (especially calling the hospital)? Am I overreacting? AITJ?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. She is being a crappy friend by ignoring your wishes for no visits and failing to fulfill her promise of assistance with the dog (especially considering her lack of communication on that point), and by being so dismissive of your concerns.

You are not being a jerk by being direct and explaining your valid concerns. If she calms down and comes to the realization that you are not required to feel the same as she thinks “all her other pregnant friends” have felt, then apologizes – consider the situation addressed and resolved.

Reiterate to her that you are happy to have such a lovely and supportive friend but she needs to listen to you and remember that you are not required to fulfill her expectations of your behavior…she needs to modify her expectations based on your history and communication.

You mentioned she was handicapped, if I read correctly, how would she feel if she had a friend who was always comparing her handicapped limb(s) to their own sibling who was similarly handicapped?

No one wants that level of scrutiny and it is unhealthy. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, to keep her thoughts to herself on that point.” patchgrrl

Another User Comments:

“Since no one else has said it, I believe you did the play the jerk here.

Not the worst one ever, and not without a reason; but jerk-ish nonetheless.

You first point out that your friend only seems to have time for you on her terms, when you weren’t even making time for her on your own terms. That’s being a jerk, but it is somewhat reasonable because you’re in the middle of moving.

You could have asked her to help, even if you already had “enough” help. She could’ve helped you specifically, or she could’ve been helping by making food for the others. Or simply assisting you, as you are portraying that you were struggling with contractions and pain; she could’ve packed your stuff, or made sure you were taken care of.

It seems she was doing everything she could to reach out to you and you wouldn’t even give her the time of day. That’s jerk-ish, but within reason, as you were very stressed with moving and labor pains.

I think you made the don’t clear to her but weren’t very clear on what she could do.

I’d be glad to have a friend like that, and wouldn’t worry about it too much as she probably understands you’re not exactly yourself at the moment.

You’re definitely in the right with the way you felt, but you were a bit of a jerk.” wolfie084

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. Your friend is being incredibly insensitive and overbearing — I can’t stand unannounced visitors and I’m not 1.

pregnant, 2. moving, or 3. dealing with the holidays. I was taught showing up like that was incredibly rude anyway. She’s being pushy and intrusive and her constant need for updates puts her desire to know above your own needs and creates more stress for you.

Is she like this all the time? If not, I’d maybe let things cool and try to talk to her later. If this is a pattern with her, I’d let the distance stand.

You don’t need someone who tries to override you.

And by the way: going to the length of checking hospitals around you is super creepy.” sheath2

Another User Comments:

“You’re not at all the jerk.

You have told your friend politely over and over and over what you need and she ignores you. She does seem overly involved in this and you deserve some space. I would make sure the hospital knows that you do not want her visiting while in labor.

The nurses will help with that. After the baby is born your husband may have to stop her at the door and say, ‘thanks for stopping by, but baby and mama are sleeping and we can’t have guests, sorry.'” Viperbunny