People Defend Themselves In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
19. AITJ For Getting Ready For Bed While On Long Calls With My Distressed Friend?
“I live 2000 miles away from my lifelong best friend Hannah (both 26f) and have for the last three years.
Hannah was in a pretty long but not quite committed situation with someone who was here on a long-term work visa.
I don’t know much about how all the immigration laws work exactly so I won’t try to explain but the gist of it is that his visa was tied to his job and he got laid off not long ago.
He left for his home country right after New Year. He should be eligible to return but it’ll be a fairly lengthy process and he’s unlikely to return in the next year or possibly even two.
Hannah is devastated. She was in love with him and I feel terrible for how much hurt she feels right now.
I love her and I do want to be there for her. She doesn’t have a lot of in-person support in her life right now. But the support she needs is several hours long FaceTime calls multiple times throughout the week.
And it’s been a lot.
We’re in different time zones so she FaceTimes me around 6 pm (my time) and I’m on the phone with her until 9 or 10. She’s a bartender who doesn’t have early mornings when I have to be in the office by 7 am and I like to go down to the gym before I get ready so I’m up around 4:30 every day.
On top of conflicting schedules, I have a bit of a long bedtime routine.
After a few calls, I realized that to get enough sleep I would either have to cut Hannah short or start getting ready for bed on the phone with her.
She was still in a bad place so I went with the second option – doing my skincare, braiding my hair, and brushing my teeth while she was talking. I could hear/see her just fine and I could still talk except when brushing my teeth but it’s like 3 minutes out of 180 so I thought that was a pretty good ratio.
It was much better for me because I could hang up and roll over to go to sleep and I wasn’t so tired. But the next call, I brought the phone into the bathroom with me to start washing my face and Hannah said that she didn’t like it and it felt like I wasn’t listening to her or that she was bothering me.
I said neither of those things is true but I needed to maintain my life too. She seemed bothered and cut the call short. I can’t say I wasn’t relieved.
She sent me a text saying “It’s rude and it hurts my feelings.
Why can’t you just acknowledge that?” I haven’t responded yet because I don’t know what to say. She did make me feel bad but I also feel annoyed because as much as I love her, I just don’t have 15+ hours a week I can dedicate solely to FaceTiming with her.
But I know she’s very sensitive right now and maybe I’ve been inconsiderate by not focusing on her when she needs me. Also… it might just be considered generally rude, I’m not sure. It wouldn’t bother me but I don’t know how other people feel about it so AITJ for getting ready for bed while on the phone?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is what happens when your friends are your crutch. Hannah needs to understand that you’re here for her, but you need to have your own life. 15 hours a week! It’s a part-time job, except usually therapists are paid.
I think you haven’t been rude. You’ve put down VERY MILD boundaries and she’s pushing back. She needs to find better coping mechanisms that require her friend to be at her disposal 3hrs per day, or diversify her “social income” by meeting new people, or… anything.” ladyteruki
Another User Comments:
“NTJ My response to her text would be “Why can’t you realize that my life doesn’t stop when I get on our three to four-hour phone calls?” Honestly, that’s unhealthy. She’s using you as a therapist and that’s not right.
You’re legit talking to this woman for more than 10 hours per week and that’s not good enough for her?! Does she need your undivided attention for 100% of the 4 hours you’re on the phone?!…. No way. She can either get used to the fact that you’re going to be getting ready for bed while you talk or she can find someone else to call 3 or more times a week for 4 hours.” SigSauerPower320
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friend has unreasonable expectations, and you need to learn how to set boundaries. It’s not normal to need to speak to your friend for hours multiple nights a week because you’re upset.
She needs to learn how to sit in her feelings and how to handle them. Yes of course we need to be there for the people we love, but the act of “being there” should be reasonable. You should have a conversation with her about how the frequent face times are starting to take a toll, and if she’s going to get upset, then she has a lot of growing up to do.
Your friend needs a therapist.” [deleted]
18. AITJ For Wanting To Attend A Wedding My Sister Isn't Invited To?
“My family, which consists of my mom, dad, and younger sister Emma (24f), has been friends with this other family since before my sister and I were born. The other family consists of two girls, Jay and Luna, who are around my sister and my age.
Ever since all four of us were kids, we would go on vacations to Maine and Cape Cod, etc with my mom and the girl’s aunt Hilda, who my mom met back in medical school.
My mom has always been very close with this other family, especially Jay, and Luna, while Emma and I have been less close with them in more recent years – I am still on good terms with them, it’s been no other reason than just moving away and drifting apart.
In a few months, the older girl from this other family, Jay, is getting married to her longtime partner.
A few weeks ago, I got a call from her telling me that she was upset about it and it was a hard decision, but she didn’t feel comfortable inviting Emma to her wedding.
Now, my sister has a major problem with booze and severe anxiety issues that cause her to lash out at people, and she’s been known to disrupt family events in the *very* recent past. Emma’s been living with my parents for the past few months and she’s been fired from a few jobs because of these issues, which have been prevalent for the past two years or so.
The reason Jay gave for not inviting my sister to the wedding is that the last time she saw Emma was at their grandmother’s funeral in May this year, when Emma got up and gave an incredibly inebriated, boisterous eulogy that went on for over five minutes and then didn’t remember giving it the next day.
When I told my mom (who was at the same funeral and saw the same thing happen) what Jay said, she said that *she* was personally insulted, and if my sister hadn’t been invited to the wedding, then she and my dad wouldn’t be going either.
She ended up writing a strongly-worded letter to Jay about how not inviting my sister was such a low blow and how she wouldn’t EVER be speaking to either her or Luna ever again.
Here’s the thing: **I am invited to the wedding**, and I want to go.
Jay and I don’t have any problems between us, and I want to be there to support my friend at her wedding. The problem is, my sister can’t seem to understand why she’s not invited, and she’s taking it out on my parents and me.
It’s gotten to the point where Emma’s texted me to tell me that if I go to the wedding, Mom and dad will never forgive me. I know this isn’t true, but it all just makes me feel like crap.
So, am I the jerk if I attend this wedding? Any other advice in this type of situation would also just be awesome. Thanks in advance.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Jay’s concerns seem valid, and Emma seems to have more important things to focus on than going to a wedding.
Just be prepared for this to be an issue between you and your family. Logic isn’t at work here and attempts at level-headed explaining of your situation might not be well received no matter how thought out and respectful” AgnarCrackenhammer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Emma made her bed, and she and your mom are perfectly free to lie in it. You can be friends with Jay and Luna still, even if your sister and mom are not. Your mom can’t force you not to hang out with someone.
You’re 25, not 5. Go to the wedding and have a wonderful time, without the worry of whether Emma is going to come and pour wine on the bride or try to hook up with the groom or whatever nonsense she thinks up next.” NotCreativeAtAll16
Another User Comments:
“NTJ So your family is allowing a heavy drinker who is horrible when she drinks and gets crazy rude at events to make or influence decisions on what the family can do with their lives and who they can see??????
Wow. Go and don’t give these crazy people a second thought. Or stay away and become one of the crazies. ” New_Training_1066
17. AITJ For Confronting Friends Who Meddled In My Marriage?
“Messy situation with my in-laws. Long story, but I’m NC after they ruined my engagement/wedding and ran a long smear campaign (still ongoing) that has isolated me and my partner from the community. The issue isn’t regarding them directly, just important background.
When my partner and I decided to get married, I began trying to build closer relationships with their friends and so I made a big effort with Y & J (a married couple) respectively. I got close with J, talking about planning trips together, helping with their baby, bringing food regularly, etc. So it wasn’t out of the norm for us to discuss things like family and other very personal topics.
Y & J are both very aware of the trouble with the in-laws and have seemed supportive.
A few weeks back, I went over to make breakfast for everyone and Y & another friend (who I don’t know well) made an excuse to go out with my partner while I stayed back with J, their baby & cleaned up the breakfast I had made for everyone.
Y confronted my partner with a screenshot of something I had put on a private IG story (only J, & 2 other of my close longtime friends could see) about the situation between my partner and the in-laws. Y framed it as if J had shown him the message and encouraged Y to go speak to my partner about it without me, out of concern.
Y then asked my partner to keep this conversation a secret from me, and even fed my partner a plan to create an “open phone” policy with me, go through my old stories or conversations, and “find” the specific message to address it with me.
My partner said they weren’t going to lie to me, they would just speak to me directly, and Y was noticeably uncomfortable/upset by this.
My partner confronted me with it as soon as we were alone. I explained the situation from my perspective, showed the message, and who saw it.
Apologized if I had overshared. My partner understood, accepted my apology, and just reiterated to be very careful about privacy because things still get around…
After addressing that, I shared that I didn’t think what my partner’s friends did was right.
I don’t believe it’s okay to meddle in a marriage, especially over something that wasn’t very consequential. I don’t believe it’s ever okay to ask someone to lie to their spouse either. I messaged J asking why they wouldn’t just speak to me directly, and J was shocked. J did NOT show that to Y or encourage Y to confront my partner about it.
Y found it while going through J’s phone, J saw it and told Y to not involve themselves in it, and Y went against their partner to confront mine…Livid, I texted Y “Do not ever involve yourself in my marriage again.” without a response.
A few days later, the other friend went to my partner claiming that I had THREATENED Y with that message that I was the only one completely in the wrong here and that they were outraged with me.
They felt that they were being good friends to my partner and helping them.
So, Who is the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Honestly, I think you did the right thing in bringing everything out into the open and calling out the meddling. In situations like these, the people who are being sneaky and underhanded are generally the jerk, in my experience, especially when they’re trying to undermine someone else’s relationship.
I mean, seriously, Y’s behavior in this situation makes my skin crawl. While they may have taken the “Do not ever get involved in my marriage again” as a threat, adding their own “or else” at the end, all you did was set a boundary letting them know that their behavior was not okay and isn’t welcomed in the future.” hannahkelli
16. AITJ For Telling My Brother And SIL To Respect My Nephew's Decision Not To Call Her Mom?
“When my brother and SIL met, my brother was a widower with a 6-year-old son. My late SIL passed away after having cancer for 3 years. My nephew remembers her but he remembers the unwell version of her, not the woman she was before.
She was very sick, but she always made time for my nephew and tried to pack as much into her final years as she could with him. Even if it was just snuggling up in bed and watching movies together.
Late SIL’s family were all very accepting and happy for my brother when he met SIL. They have a positive relationship with SIL and they see each other frequently. My family and I all get along great with SIL.
With all this, most people, especially my brother and SIL, expected my nephew to call SIL’s mom eventually. They expected him to be open to adoption. Even more when SIL and my brother had two more children together. But my nephew still calls her “Sarah” and he introduces her as his stepmom to others.
When they asked him about SIL adopting him, he said no.
For two years now my brother and SIL have twisted themselves up a lot about this. My nephew is 15 now. They asked him first when he was 8. It’s not just his no to adoption but also the fact he never calls her mom.
Never even slipped and said it once. When he says mom he means my late SIL. She is the only mom he talks about. If he talks about SIL she’s either her name or stepmom.
Some family members have asked him about this and have tried to encourage him to call SIL’s mom and consider the adoption.
They have told him how amazing and special it would be, how his mom would have wanted that for him. But his opinion has not changed. My brother and SIL went to therapy with my nephew and the therapist encouraged them to accept what my nephew wants and to end this campaign for adoption and the name mom to be used.
I talked to my nephew a few weeks ago and he told me he hates how much of a debate this has turned into. He told me none of the family listens and while his mom’s side doesn’t push him, they have told him they wouldn’t be angry at him if he decides to be adopted or to start calling SIL’s mom.
He explained nobody told him SIL isn’t his mom, it’s just how he feels. He told me he still loved her. But he sees her in a different way to his parents. So when my brother and SIL brought the topic up to me and my husband during lunch last week and they asked where they went from here, I told them to respect my nephew’s wishes.
I told them everyone would be happier if they stopped stressing about this. That they have a good life. They don’t need the ribbon on top. They told me it was easy for me to say, I wasn’t the person who felt my heart break every time my nephew says no or calls SIL by her name.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and I truly hope they listen to you and the therapist. If they keep this up your nephew will resent his stepmom and dad and this will make him want to have distance. I’m shocked at how selfish the stepmom is being and it’s never a good look to be jealous of a dead person.
Your brother is wrong too and should back his son up. This is sad but also stupid. Tell your brother and SIL to stop being stupid. The kid loves stepmom and that’s all that matters.” Travelcat67
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re taking this too personally. Which probably sounds weird because it is a personal thing. He loves her, he sees her as a maternal figure, but she isn’t his mom to him. He’s not saying he doesn’t want her around, but she’s special to him as Sarah.
You can be close and love a step-parent as a parent while also not using the terms they want. They’re going to end up sowing resentment though and drive him away if they keep this up. They’re saying with their actions that his love and care aren’t enough for them, and if he doesn’t do it in the way they want to, it doesn’t matter.
I’m sure he’s feeling hurt too that his relationship with her isn’t enough.” ididithooray
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He may never call her mom or want to be adopted and that’s okay. He still loves and appreciates her which is good, he can still see her as a mother figure without calling her mother and that is his choice.
My dad re-married when I was a kid and I felt the same way, I never called my step-mom “mom”. I loved her and I still talk to her (they divorced) but no one replaces the mom title imo.
I agree that things would be a lot easier if they just dropped it and stopped pressing it onto him. It’s his choice and no one can force that, but if it continues it can force strain on their relationship if it hasn’t already.” User
15. AITJ For Blowing My Neighbor's Firework Debris Into The Street?
“Three years ago our neighbor across the street knocked loudly on our door at 11 PM to drop off a misdelivered package. I couldn’t see who it was and was extremely frightened as I wasn’t expecting anyone. Seeing as they wouldn’t go away after 10+ minutes, I called the police.
When the police arrived it was determined to be my neighbor, and I apologized profusely for the misunderstanding. Since that time we’ve made up and we occasionally wave or have small talk in passing. I also avoid cutting my grass until they’ve moved their vehicles to avoid any debris hitting their cars at his request. Note: They are an African American family, while we are a white family.
**Incident:**
On the 4th of July, my neighbors shot off fireworks for the first time since we moved in. They started on the curb touching my lawn where they park their cars, and burned a small spot on my grass.
Realizing this, they watered the area and moved to the street. The next firework they shot off was bigger and they ran onto my lawn when it ignited, but later they stayed on their side. This continued for 2+ hours.
I stayed inside the entire night.
Fireworks in the street are illegal here. However, I didn’t intervene since it was a holiday. After they finished, they sprayed down and cleaned most debris in the street. However, my yard had a large amount of firework debris and stains all over the place.
The next day as I was preparing to mow the lawn, I used my leaf blower to clear the debris back into the street as I didn’t want to run over any of it with the mower. It then started raining and I left to run errands.
When I returned, my neighbor’s wife confronted me in my driveway, calling me petty for blowing debris “towards them.” I explained my frustration at cleaning up a mess I didn’t create, and that my other neighbors’ lawns didn’t have any debris at all on them.
She suggested sweeping & bagging it, and I asked her why do I have to clean it. I repeatedly said I didn’t create the mess so why do I have to clean it up, I brought up how my lawn had burn marks and how my new concrete was stained. Since it was clear “I wouldn’t understand” She then accused me of being racist, referencing the police call.
Upset, I argued back, emphasizing this was about firework debris, not race. She walked away, calling me names. I told her not to trip over the mess they created in the street.
**Aftermath:**
An hour later, a cop arrived, responding to a complaint that we were shooting fireworks (We didn’t) and blowing debris into their yard.
I showed him a video from my camera proving they launched the fireworks, damaged my lawn, and how I cleaned the debris. The cop confirmed we did nothing wrong and advised us not to speak with them again. He talked to them briefly before leaving.
I’m pretty upset and didn’t anticipate this reaction from blowing debris into the street. While it might have been petty, I didn’t blow it on their lawn and I didn’t launch any of the fireworks. **AITJ?**”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They made a mess on your property and you weren’t even going to confront them. Nor did you blow their trash back into their yard, which seems justified on its own…you simply pushed it into the street so you could mow.
They were the ones who decided to make this into a battle and then decided to make it about race…and made a false report to the police about you.” anonymom135
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They committed multiple crimes: illegal fireworks, littering, and false police calls.
They called you petty and a racist for *checks notes* cleaning their litter out of your own, damaged yard. No, you did nothing wrong here. It’s not petty or racist to clean their trash out of your yard, and it’s not petty or racist to call the cops on a stranger banging on your door late at night.
These people did something ridiculous in the first place, then held a grudge when they met consequences for that something, and they are getting angry with you for the consequences of their actions, again.” dplafoll
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Sounds like they’ve been holding a grudge about that call the whole time.
Or at least the wife has. She’s probably been doing a bunch of petty BS towards you that you just brushed off as unintentional and the first time you did anything that could be misinterpreted as retaliation she jumped on it.
The first thing I would do is speak with her husband about it. She might be acting out on her own and you might be able to talk it out and fix things if you work with him. If he feels the same as her then there is no more friendly neighbor’s attitude.
Anytime they so much as think about stepping on my lawn I’m calling the police for trespassing.” OsSansPepins
1- YTJ for calling cops on neighbors for trying to deliver a package (even at 11pm). Was this 11pm door knock out of frustration because MULTIPLE packages had been misdelivered during the day while they were sleeping?
2- YTJ for so quickly pointing out your racial differences.
3- They would be the jerk if 11pm package delivery was a FIRST time issue (see #1).
4- They would be the jerk if fireworks were actually illegal, and they did not complete full clearing.
I believe info is missing, and lean toward YTJ.
14. AITJ For Hating Being The Primary Caretaker For My Twin Baby Brothers At 15?
“3 weeks ago, my (15F) parents (41F, 53M) welcomed into the world my twin baby brothers Jonah and Isaac. They are the sweetest bundles of joy but were absolutely “oops” babies, on account of my parents’ ages.
This is the situation:
Ever since birth, my mom has been out of the house when the twins have needed something, in the bathroom, or too busy with whatever she’s doing to come and tend to their needs. I know it’s not work because she’s a SAHM.
My dad’s never home, and my sister, Neveah, (17F) is too busy planning her wedding (in a state of mania and breaking down mentally because I don’t think she even loves the guy she’s engaged to) to help me with anything.
This leaves the babies to me. It was fine the first few days it happened, I get that healing from birth is a pain and postpartum depression is a thing, but it doesn’t feel fair that these responsibilities keep falling to me.
This Sunday, at 6 in the morning while we were all getting ready for church, it fell to me to wake the twins, feed them, wash them, change them, and get them dressed. I also had to load them into the car.
I hardly had time to get myself ready while my family was yelling for me to “hurry up” and “get in the darn car, Libby,” (thanks, Dad). I am fifteen. I also have marching band responsibilities. I do not have the mental bandwidth to deal with this.
This leads to today. My sister and I were having lunch while talking about wedding planning.We were bantering and debating floral arrangements (she was having one of her better mental health days), when all of a sudden we heard the twins start crying.
They screamed and cried, and I just sat flipping through magazines before I noticed my sister staring at me. The interaction went something like this:
Me: “What, Neveah?”
Neveah, a bit annoyed: “Aren’t you gonna get that?”
Me: “Get what?”
Neveah: “The twins. Duh.”
I don’t know what came over me, but I groaned and yelled that I hated being the boys’ live-in nanny instead of their sister and that I couldn’t understand why Mom couldn’t take care of them herself.
I ranted for a while. I said I hated not being able to get sleep, or even take care of my own needs because I had to watch out for the boys first. Neveah got a nasty look on her face and told me I was a jerk for trying to make Mom’s life harder than it needs to be, and that I should be overjoyed that our parents have bestowed me the “blessing” of taking care of our brothers and being able to bond with them while they’re still young.
I asked her that if it was such a blessing, why couldn’t she help out? This made her just get upset with me and walk away.
It’s been a few hours, and my sister still hasn’t talked to me.
It’s very clear to me that she’s been avoiding me, so am I that much of a jerk for not wanting to take care of my brothers?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You’re *15* & it’s *not* ok that your parents are dumping the responsibility of two 3-week-old babies on you.
(It’s parentification.) Or that your older sister is colluding with them. ” I couldn’t understand why Mom can’t take care of them herself.” I can’t either. Please either talk to a wider family member you can trust, an adult outside your family, or your school guidance counselor.
What is happening here isn’t ok on any level.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, not your kids, not your responsibility. If their ability to care for these extra children relies on the unpaid labor of a 15-year-old, they shouldn’t have kept those kids.
Occasional babysitting so your parents can have a break would be one thing, but being the primary caretaker of kids you did not make is not in any way acceptable. Second, the hypocrisy is strong with your sister. As you said, if the boys were such a blessing and your mom needed the help so badly, she should be doing just as much of the work as you, if not more because she is older.
Again, I don’t think you teenagers should be the main caretakers for your brothers, but if she thinks it’s no big deal or that it’s a privilege, then she should volunteer. That “rules for thee and not for me” attitude is not acceptable. Third, I am very skewed out by the fact that a 17-year-old is engaged at all, let alone to the 19-year-old son of her religious leader.
This sounds like some flavor of forced marriage to me. Fourth, 3-week old babies probably shouldn’t be going to church. They can be so delicate so early on and probably shouldn’t be out and about in a social setting where they can get infested with all sorts of nasty things.
Faith doesn’t prevent the flu, so to speak. Also if mom is too unwell to attend her babies, then she’s too unwell for social setting and keeping up appearances at the church either. I would like to say that you should stop helping out and let your parents sort out their troubles.
But I understand that as a 15 year old you likely rely on your parents for food and shelter, so defying them would put your survival at risk. I just hope that you have someone or somewhere you can escape to sooner rather than later, or that you can get out as soon as you turn 18.” Fluffy_Sheepy
13. AITJ For Cursing Out My Dad After He Abandoned Us?
“My mom and dad were married for twenty years. They had me and my brother, who isn’t even in 5th grade.
Their relationship has been strained for years. My dad was abusive – lying, being unfaithful, and constantly threatening divorce when he didn’t get his way. Multiple times a year. He broke my mom down mentally. I had to take care of her and my brother when she got sick myself, clean, cook, help with school, etc. My little brother resented it strongly.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I graduated. Valedictorian of my class. The family was planning a mini-vacation to Louisiana. My mom and dad seemed to be patching things up – he said he wanted to be with her forever.
And then, a day after he told her that and a couple of days after I graduated, he disappeared while my mom was in the shower. Doesn’t even say goodbye to my little brother. Calls me down maybe 30 seconds before he leaves to say goodbye and asks me to open the door for him.
He walked out suitcase in hand. He told me and my mom the details via text.
We have begged him over and over to come home. Asked him to pitch in money so we wouldn’t end up on the street.
Cried and yelled at him. He would respond with either “I’m sorry y’all feel that way”, “it saddens me to hear how that makes y’all feel”, etc. He didn’t even acknowledge what he did or even apologize. He promised he’d send money every two weeks, but the little he did send wasn’t even enough to cover the rent – and almost half of the amount he promised. For reference, he makes over 70k+ a year.
My mom cannot even afford her heart medication, and can’t work.
He told us that he left because he didn’t feel a part of the family and we often excluded him from things. That we didn’t make him feel loved enough – and that is somewhat true.
We would always make sure to keep our distance emotionally, and certain things we would not tell him. My, mom and my brother have been planning on leaving him for some time now, as soon as we could gain financial independence.
I have admitted to hating him several times in private – and one of his biggest issues, admittedly, was us talking about him behind his back. I’m not sure how much I contributed, but I know I didn’t help.
I have been doing everything I can to bring in money – applying for jobs, and trying to do video editing online for clients. We don’t know if we’ll have enough to eat or even continue staying in this house.
He gave us no warning at all – one minute everything is fine and happy, the next we’re begging him to give us enough money not to be in the darn street. I’ve been grinding all day and night and barely sleeping.
And I’ve cursed him out repeatedly – despite him saying that being yelled at is what drove him away, to begin with. Now he’s barely sending half the money he promised. I think I made our situation exponentially worse.
I feel like I just ruined my and my family’s chances of ever being stable again. I have so much guilt…”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ…Your father is !! As a father, he has a responsibility to you and your brother.
Failing to fulfill those obligations is his fault !!! You are allowed to be upset, you are allowed to be upset, and telling him is your right!!! Hopefully, your Mama will figure something out to secure your home life. I’m sorry your father has failed you all.
It hurts, and uncertainty is overwhelming too !! Hopefully, your mama will obtain legal help to fight for your welfare !! Hugs to you !!” lifevisions
12. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Move Abroad With Me After His Father's Death?
“I 25F got married to my husband 27M earlier this year. About 3 months before that, my FIL passed away leaving my husband to be the head of the family as he is the firstborn son.
Before all this happened, my husband and I had planned to relocate to a different country for a year. This was my idea. It’s always been my dream to have the experience of living in a different country. I believe this to be one of the major things in my life that I place high value on.
Before meeting my husband, and having grown from a disadvantaged family, there wasn’t that much possibility for me to take the opportunities that presented themselves. We both come from nothing and whatever we have now, we hustled together.
Now, seeing as we have the finances to make the move and another opportunity has presented itself for me to get a job abroad, I want to take it.
We’ve been talking about it for about three years. And a year ago, he was willing to come with me. We both work from home so it doesn’t affect him much. However, since the circumstances with his family have changed, he doesn’t want to do it anymore.
We’ve had multiple arguments about this and they usually end with him just saying “Let’s do it, I’ll go get my passport” but then he doesn’t go, and then the conversation comes up again and he says he doesn’t want to go.
His latest reason is that he doesn’t want to leave his family. And me agreeing to be his wife was me coming to join his family. Which I don’t disagree with, but I feel that that shouldn’t mean that I give up on all the things that matter to me.
In our last argument about this, he said he’d rather I go alone and we can be apart for that year and maybe he’ll come to visit and he’ll wait here for me. He hadn’t given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness so that’s not my concern, but we haven’t been apart for more than a month since we started being together.
I, however, feel that I would love for him to come with us as we had originally planned. Because I don’t want us to be apart. However, I also feel like I’m taking him away from his family at a time when they need him.
After our last talk, he came to me and told me that we could go. But now, I feel unsure.
Specifically because of his family. The problem is that he is not even giving me a timeline that I could wait for him to get to a point where he thinks his family is stable and overgrieved. He says it can’t be said, however, that’s probably because he’s also grieving.
Please note, that I’m not asking that we leave now, this would be next year Feb. Which would be a year later after his father’s passing. Am I being unfair?
He does a lot for his family, not just taking financial, but also emotional support because they’re quite close.
His family are good people and they’re not the ones asking him to not leave, they don’t even know yet. It’s just the weight of responsibility weighing on him. I don’t know what to do.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your desire to go abroad is reasonable. And his inability to go is also reasonable. Welcome to adulthood and marriage, where things happen and your life never goes the way you always imagined it would, and you compromise all the time so that each of you can find some degree of satisfaction in what you’re looking for.
Consider postponing this trip for another year or two rather than trying to go soon, to give your husband’s family a chance to stabilize after the death of your FIL. Or go on the trip together for a month instead of a year so that he isn’t away from his family for so long.
Or go by yourself (or with a friend) and he’ll visit you, as he suggested if you’re too impatient to wait.” gordonf23
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – just crappy circumstances. But values can shift and change. Maybe you both need to think and talk about what is genuinely important to you both” KC87NQ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Go alone if you have to. You may not have the finances or job opportunity to do this later. Opportunities themselves are precious, don’t make the mistake of thinking you can just pick them up again two to three years from now.
You don’t want to look back five years from now, exactly where you are now, with your husband still not even having a passport.” orpheusoxide
11. AITJ For Wanting My Dad To Use His Money Before I Resume Financial Support?
“I’ve been taking care of my parents financially for the last 17 years. My mum is not well and she’s been through a coma and lost most of her memory. She can take care of her daily chores (bath, washroom, eating, etc).
My dad is retired and fortunately has good health and has been with her all the time. However, he is mostly religious and a poet by profession. He loves to get recognition and awards, but he doesn’t earn anything.
I have been sending money every month and for every need for the last 17 years. Now, I am married (7 years) and I have a child. I’ve been doing my best to make sure my parents get the best comfort.
Recently, my dad sold his property and got some money in his account.
I moved abroad with my wife and kid last year. My dad was worried as we didn’t have any (helping) relatives whom we could count on, so I moved them to a retirement home which is quite expensive.
This place takes care of everything (food, cleaning, activities), etc, and my dad always complained about being alone and now he is kinda happy.
Around the same time, I bought a new place and spent all my savings on it.
I’ve asked my dad to spend his money on the rental and the rest of his needs for a couple of months until we settle in our new place (yet to buy curtains, furniture, etc).
Yesterday he told me that I was good until he sold the property and now I have changed because I am not sending money.
I was like, what? What happened to all these years when I was sending you money? Also, he knows that I’ll start sending money in 3 months again, every month for the retirement home. I’m not sure how he concluded that I’ve changed.
It made me think, was he only thinking about money? Also, I started to realize more stuff. It’s like when we went to meet him (wife, child) he didn’t even bother to ask about how are things abroad.
He never asked my wife if she was doing okay. This has been the case since the beginning. I think he lacks a basic sense of being in a social circle. I don’t know. My wife told me he has been taking me for granted and he thinks only of himself, and I feel the same.
I don’t know what is happening.
Now I think about when my mum complains about her health (cold or fever) he would give over-the-counter medicine, but if he feels even a minor discomfort he runs to the doctor. These kinds of experiences make me think my wife is right.
I trust my wife and love her a lot, she is practical and helps me a lot. I think he should have at least done a part-time job and earned something. He had so much time and he wasted it.
I want to focus more on my family and our retirement. I don’t expect my child to take care of me.
I feel I’ve been blind all these years and now I am realizing. I thought I’d share here to know your thoughts.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were doing your best to help even if he was using you. That does not make you a jerk. Love can make people blind to red flags. Your wanting to prioritize your life is good.
Should you choose not to send any more money and spend it on improving you, your wife, and your child’s lives, it won’t make you the jerk. Not a single thing here could make you one.” MsMithra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have your own family that needs to come first now. It is honorable that you want to help your parents, but there are limits. Are you from a culture where it is expected that children take care of their parents in old age?
Can you help your dad set up a financial plan for the money from the sold property? Because otherwise, he might spend it all, because you are his fall-back plan. Now that he has that money, it should at least help your parents take part of the burden off your hands.” Slayerofdrums
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your father is a narcissist. He needs to start taking care of himself if he is capable. You need to talk to the care home and tell them that he is capable that they should be prioritizing your mother’s care and that your father is not the one with ADL needs.” Slayed_Wilson
10. AITJ For Blowing Up At Friends After They Ditched Me For Not Making Free Treats?
“Ok, so I (19f) make treats for myself and the occasional friend who comes to hang out when I just so happen to be in the mood to make them.
They are very strong and very tasty (they just toast like normal cookies with a slightly off smell) because of how I make them so anytime someone wants treats they usually will pay me to make them- This time though a big group of my friends are throwing a party and the friend who was giving me a ride asked me to bring some treats, to supply the WHOLE party!
I know I’m NTJ for saying no to this because it’s like, 100ish dollars of product for free and that’s wild.
Where I think I might be the jerk comes into play, after I refused the next day I was told that I no longer had a ride to the party which was obvious in reason to me but then when I asked everyone else including someone who I can WALK TO THEIR HOUSE- everyone also magically could no longer give me a ride despite a few days before when they were under the impression I was bringing stuff they were clamoring over each other to make sure I had a ride.
Funny right?
So I message in the discord calling people out for the fake-ness and blow up saying:
You guys are so fake dude, a few days ago you guys were desperately trying to make sure I had a ride so I could bring stuff that I never agreed to bring, and now that I have said no y’all are all of a sudden all too busy to stop but and grab me?
Honestly, get lost with that asking me for free treats for almost 20 people is way too much and the majority of you have to pass my house to get to the party so what happened all of a sudden?
Y’all did the same selfish stuff back in April and I’m so done with all of it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, these people just wanted to use you for free treats. At least you recognize that now. Had a college roommate back in the day who was a spoiled, obnoxious rich kid.
Smoking was his only hobby (I’m not anti-smoke at all, it was one of those things where it was his entire personality)….all kinds of people would drop by our room to smoke his stuff, and he legit thought these people were his friends.
Yet when his dealer would come up dry and there was no stuff for a couple of weeks, these “friends” were magically nowhere to be found. That is until he got his hands on more. ” HandBananasRevenge
Another User Comments:
“This is on par with people asking for rides and only hanging out with you because you have a car. I had an old co-worker who was only my friend because I drove her to do errands and home and disguised it as hanging out and my ASD a*s thought this was a normal friendship until my chronic illness had me bed bound and I said no to picking her up, my shifts got lessened and all of a sudden I was a problem lol NTJ!” andiiexx
9. AITJ For Not Updating Old Friends About My SO's Accident During A Hectic Time?
“AITJ. My partner (M, 29) and I (F, 24) were part of a friend group, but over the past 8mo, communication from them has dwindled. I’ve occasionally commented on their social media posts and messaged them to try to spark conversation but there wasn’t much interaction.
Meanwhile, my partner and I became closer with a new friend group that is more communicative and active.
Six months ago, during a local event, my partner had a bad car accident. 2 of the 3 other people we were rooming with drove me to the scene, knowing I was too anxious to drive.
Seeing the wrecked car before my partner, I had a breakdown. They drove me to the hospital to be with my partner and after being discharged he came back to the hotel we were staying at. I was busy caring for him and packing our belongings since we had to check out the next morning and since it would be the final day of the event.
The entire room ordered Chick-fil-A as no one had eaten all day and I ended up going down to get it in the lobby once it was delivered with the same 2 other friends who drove me earlier that day.
During this hectic time, I posted a vague emergency update on Instagram saying I wouldn’t be at the event for the rest of the day. I had too many people asking to meet up and I didn’t have it in me to message them all individually.
One of the old friends reached out, I told them what happened, and they asked to be kept in the loop. I forgot to do just that due to the entire situation. I have a terrible memory, especially in high-stress situations.
My partner later updated them because they reached out to him instead.
6mo later: the old friend group hasn’t spoken to us despite my efforts to check in. One friend unadded me on social media, and after I reached out multiple times with no response, I reached out to another.
I learned they were upset because I didn’t update them about the accident. They saw me with the Chick-fil-A order (they were also at the event) and the two other friends and assumed I was just relaxing, having extra people up to the room, and ignoring them.
They also mentioned I missed their birthday, though they missed mine and my partner’s birthdays, which fall before theirs.
I explained I was busy caring for my partner that night and that nothing else was my priority. I explained what they saw that night.
I also stated that if they were mad they had 6 months to reach out and tell me. If they hadn’t gotten an update, they could have checked in again. They insisted I owed them an update and an apology, which I offered, but they were still upset and didn’t want to remain friends.
My partner believes they are being unreasonable since he provided an update and doesn’t understand why it mattered who gave it. He feels we aren’t losing much as they haven’t been active in our lives, and our new friend group is much more supportive.
I agree. It hurts a little more than I thought it would. I’m questioning if I did mess up as much as they claim. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I read the story and thought, “These people are in their mid-20s”, looked back to the start, and, yup, they are.
Here’s the thing – the people you met in MS, HS, and univ? And while working McJobs in your teens and early 20s? Thankfully, many of them (and you!) grow and change. Everyone’s 20s include drifting apart from former friends as you become different people and are more particular in your friendships instead of just hanging with random people from your dorm floor or who had the same history class.
And that’s fine. So I’m not seeing anyone as a great jerk here and suspect if it wasn’t this incident that caused you to drift apart, it would be another equally minor social gaff or faux paus that they (or you) got upset about.
Get used to it. There’s more of it ahead in the next 5 years. But the good news is that the friends you do keep and the new ones you make will have greater synergies and connections with you. It seemed they lacked the grace to accept the drifting apart without villainizing you.
In the future, ignore those who do that, and be more gracious (and more conscious of) culling those former friendships. No one has to be unkind or mean about it (but obviously, some are).” DavidHikinginAlaska
Another User Comments:
“NTJ A lot of people are “fair weather” friends and just don’t know how to handle when friends need support.
But, it’s hard to admit that so it is usually projected as the person’s fault somehow. Your partner is correct. They had updates, it shouldn’t matter who sent them and the fact remains they aren’t very supportive. I’m glad he’s recovering well.” SnoopyisCute
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You were stressed and in no condition to take notes. Your partner is right, you are not missing much if these people don’t understand that and didn’t reach out to you, in light of what was going on right then.
They knew you were upset about the accident and still expected you to do all the work of staying in touch. Let these people go; they are not your friends, at least not the way they used to be.
Move on and leave them behind. You deserve better treatment than they have given you.” LonelyOwl68
8. AITJ For Disagreeing With My Husband's Life Insurance Plan To Split Evenly Between Me And His Mother?
“Recently my husband has been talking about taking out a life insurance policy. I am in favor of this, as we have a baby and he is pursuing a career as a pilot.
This weekend he walked into our bedroom and said that he had researched a policy he’d like to get, for 3 million dollars.
He then says ‘I think I’ll set it up so half is for you and half for my mom’.
I am American. He is Cuban. His mother and the rest of his family currently live in Latin America.
They do okay for themselves but the standard of living is a bit different from the US (though not crazy). She’s not happy there, and we’ve been trying to sponsor her to come to the US. I like his mom, and we have supported her in many ways such as paying for multiple trips to Cuba, paying to send suitcases/parcels with clothes/shoes to them, gifts when we visit, etc.
When he said this about splitting the life insurance policy something in my gut felt weird. I think it showed on my face because he asked me, and I said that it seemed odd to me. It seemed like this kind of legal/financial thing should be set up for our small family and that I wouldn’t just leave his family hanging if anything were to happen.
He was defensive, asking why I didn’t want his mom to get anything. I wasn’t saying that, but I didn’t have words to explain what I was feeling. I was clear that of course, I would want his mom to receive funds if something so tragic happened, but it seemed like legally this policy should be set up for me and our kid + future kids.
Round and round we went.
My logic- say he passed away in an accident in twenty years, we have 3 kids, and his mom is still alive and pushing 80. 1.5 million is excessive for someone of her age and lifestyle. For this example, it gets split evenly between the three kids.
A lot of money, but you can’t do as much with 500k as you can with 1.5 million. I think it’s logical to say that the cost of life and living for an elderly woman vs for a young family of 4 is very different and that different quantities of money should be allocated because of this.
Also, I want to be part of this decision. His waltzing in and telling me what he’s going to do doesn’t fly with me, especially as we are equal earners in our home and share finances so I am paying for half of this policy.
His logic- I should think of it as two separate policies. 1.5 for his family, 1.5 for me and our kids. That our kids will get 500k which is a lot of money. That 500k is better than nothing, and isn’t it good enough that he’s thinking of us and setting us up for a good life?
He continuously accuses me of not wanting his mom to get any money. He also called me selfish, implying that I just wanted more money for myself. He says of course his mom would share this money with the rest of his family (dad, sister, and nephews).
I don’t have great words for how I feel. It just doesn’t feel normal to me. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Typically a life insurance policy is intended to cover the losses associated with someone’s death.
That includes costs of burial, etc, but also the lost income of the person dying. Your first step should be to calculate the financial impact of your husband dying. How much money would he earn over the remainder of his career?
How would the loss of that income impact your ability to pay the mortgage? Or your kid’s ability to go to college? That should be how you think about life insurance for your family. It’s not unreasonable to consider that your husband won’t be able to contribute as much to his family.
But he’s treating this more like buying lottery tickets for her every month… and it’s reasonable to not want to put that in the family budget.” Disastrous_Donut_206
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you’re right. If he wants a separate policy payable to her, he can get one.
I think the fact that you’re paying for half the policy is significant here too. Is there a life policy on you? Generally, your logic that an aging woman with adult kids / no dependents needs less money to live on than a young family (where several members will be too young to contribute financially for many years, likely to have education expenses, etc.) is completely valid and rational. This piece is troubling: > He continuously accuses me of not wanting his mom to get any money.
He also called me selfish, implying that I just wanted more money for myself. This is …. not a respectful attitude for him to have towards you. I’m assuming there has been some prior strife in terms of the amount of financial support he wants to give her versus what you’re comfortable with but accusations like this feel ugly in the context of a loving marriage.
Frankly, he should think better of you than those statements suggest he does, and if my spouse said those things to me in a conflict over money I’d be LIVID. You should consider therapy. That he wants to split it evenly, despite the need not being even, suggests something to me…it shows kind of a psychological state he has where he’s trying to be even and equitable between you (his wife), and his mother, which strikes me as pretty unhealthy and unreasonable.
You can’t be sharing your husband, you know? He should not feel split between you, but this shows he does. All the more need for therapy, stat.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“I don’t have a judgment to add, and I anticipate I will be downvoted by this comment.
I understand where you are coming from, as someone who is from Latin America and has lived in other countries. I am well aware of the constant mixed blessings you live with. Daily you are aware and grateful for the privileges of life in America.
While at the same time being aware of how much better your life is than your family who lives in your home country (even if they are doing well financially). Add to this the incredible poverty and scarcity of things he may have experienced or witnessed in Cuba.
He will feel heavily responsible for helping in any way he can. As you and him work towards a compromise, please keep this in mind. However, acclimated he may seem to you. He will ALWAYS be the boy who was born and raised in Cuba.
When you are involved with an immigrant. Some cultural things will never be understood by natives of the country.” Misha220
7. AITJ For Wanting My BIL And His Pregnant Partner To Move Out?
“This is the second time my brother-in-law has lived with us in the 3 years since my husband, I, and our two kids (3 and 5yo) moved back to my husband’s hometown.
When we first moved here in 2021 we rented from my mother-in-law who had taken a contract job on the other side of the country to move there. She planned on selling her home if we didn’t want it.
My husband and I had talked for years about moving up here when our kids became school-aged, and the timing was perfect. The only thing was that my brother-in-law who was around 19 at the time still lived in the home.
We had no intention of putting him out of where he had been living, so we moved in and just asked that he help around the house with basic tasks and whatnot. After about 6 months, we decided we would be staying here permanently, and we bought the house.
We never asked my brother-in-law to chip in rent. He stayed for close to a year, but eventually decided he wanted to try college. He moved out of our place and into his dad’s place (his brother-in-law and husband have different dads) near the local university.
His college stint was short-lived, and his dad ended up moving to another state too. Soon after finding out his dad planned to move, my brother-in-law asked if he could move back in with us. I told my husband I was fine with this as long as he spoke to my brother-in-law about either paying rent or helping with some of the home projects we’ve been doing.
This was about a year ago. My Brother-in-law has lived with us since last June. Since then, he acquired a new partner and said partner has also moved in with us. About 2-3 months into his partner living with us, they notified us that she was pregnant.
Neither the brother-in-law nor his partner has paid rent, and the brother-in-law has not helped with any home projects. I’ve struggled a lot with my health in the past year (chronic UC, heart problems as a result of UC, and just recently broke my foot).
It’s been difficult feeling like my home is not MY home as I try to recover. All in all, they aren’t terrible house guests, as they are mostly quiet and keep to themselves. When we were struggling with bills recently, my brother-in-law chipped in a few hundred bucks when we asked for his help.
To be honest, I don’t believe my husband ever spoke with my brother-in-law about rent or helping with projects (this is an issue between my husband and me). Whenever I ask my brother-in-law to help with things such as yardwork or help watching the kids if I have an appointment – he is accommodating.
I just want my home back, I want the chance to settle into this new town and new home, I don’t want a newborn and two other adults living in the unfinished basement of my 1200sqft home, I want the chance to finish our basement without feeling like I’m imposing on “their” space, and honestly – I truly want to see my brother-in-law be independent and find his place for his new family.
Advice? AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you guys don’t do something about this right away, asking them to leave is going to get a lot more complicated once the baby is born. You need to be insistent with your husband as well – he needs to get on the same page as you and not scapegoat you with his brother.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have been much more accommodating and generous than most people would be. It’s time for brother-in-law and partner to adult on their own. It would be one thing if they paid rent and contributed to the household, but moochers will mooch as long as you allow it…time to stop the gravy train.
Give them a deadline to move out and stick to it.” Boonie-moonie
Another User Comments:
“You need to speak with your husband. Your husband should approach his brother and question him on his plans for the baby’s arrival. Your husband should say the house is not big enough for 2 families to live comfortably.
Your husband should help his brother plan an exit and set a deadline. Your husband can help him look for apartments etc. Notice I say “your husband.” Don’t let your husband say that YOU want the brother out. Then you will look like a jerk when you are not one.” MommaSnarky
6. AITJ For Confronting My Mother About Her Long Bath Times?
“I feel horrible and need to know if I’m the jerk.
Me and my two children are currently living in my mother’s house. This is because my mother was in an accident and can’t work anymore. She doesn’t get enough benefits to afford to live in her house so we decided that I’d move in with my family and take over the bills.
The only thing she pays for is a bit of groceries. I’m fine with this because I think my mother should be able to relax.
Something important to know is my mother has a lot of pain. To help relieve this she takes long, hot baths.
This wasn’t an issue before because my children were in school so she had plenty of time to take these baths while they weren’t there. The issue is that now that summer has started my children are upset she “monopolizes” the bathroom.
I know that there is only one bathroom in the house so if she’s in the bath they have to wait. Despite this, I didn’t think it was that bad because surely she hadn’t been in there for more than an hour.
Well, I found out that I was wrong. It started when our neighbor came over to ask if our bathroom was working. When I questioned him he informed me that my children were coming over to his house almost daily to use his bathroom.
Now them going over there isn’t an issue because he’s an old family friend, but I was still shocked. I asked them and they said they have to because their grandmother won’t share the bathroom.
I talked to my mother and she said the girls were being dramatic.
I decided to get to the bottom of this because when I’m home she’s never in there that long. So I stayed home from work without telling my mother yesterday. I asked my older daughter to text me when she got in the bath.
She texted me at about 10:30. I went in to confirm and I could hear her in there. I then waited. She didn’t come out until after 3. I was shocked. I could hear her drain and refill the tub a few times.
After she got out I confronted her about this because it isn’t right my kids don’t have access to the bathroom for that long. We ended up getting into a major fight. I told her she couldn’t be in the bathroom that long.
She told me it was her house and she could stay in there as long as she wanted and I don’t understand how much pain she’s in. I threatened to leave with my kids and let her deal with the bills if she couldn’t be reasonable with the bathroom.
She ended up crying and ignoring me for the rest of the night.
My children are happy now because she hasn’t taken a bath in about a week now. I’m worried about her and I feel horrible. I’ve tried to discuss it but she just tells me she won’t cause any more issues with the bathroom and locks herself in her room.
So, I need to know. Am I the jerk here? Should I just figure something else out for my kids so she can take her baths?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s being melodramatic about this, going from 5+ hour baths to no baths at all.
Since she was draining and refilling multiple times, it’s not like it would be wasting water or anything for her to get out once an hour or so and let others use the room for a bit. That said, as soon as the lease is up or whatever, y’all need to get a space with an extra half bath if possible.
I don’t see how you’ll resolve this otherwise.” ghalta
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Everyone has a right to use the bathroom. If mom is in that much pain she has to be in a bath for hours, she needs to talk to her doctors.
She may need meds switched or some different pain management. It’s not right to block everyone from being able to do their business. Holding it for ages isn’t good for you and it’s not fair to the neighbor to constantly have people asking to use their bathroom.” yukidaviji
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your presence is what’s allowing your mother to keep her home and independence. It’s hard enough having 4 people share one bathroom, but it’s simply not possible to have 3 people with no bathroom they can use for multiple hours per day.
If your mother is going to act like a child and do the whole silent treatment, you should start making other arrangements.” gavrielkay
5. AITJ For Feeling Like I'm Second Best To My Dad's New Family?
“So, to give some context, my parents have been divorced since I was around 6 years old (I am 20 now). And my dad has been married to my stepmom for over a decade at this point. And don’t get me wrong, my stepmom is a wonderful woman who always has made sure I’m safe and healthy.
However, throughout the years, I’ve felt second best to the stepkids. Growing up my dad wasn’t very present in my life, I would go over to his house every so often and hang out, but even then, we would go to his stepkid’s events.
Their football games, their marching band performances, their track meets.
Sure I didn’t have too many after-school activities to attend, but even on the rare occasions I did, he still went to their events. Even at my high school graduation dinner, I was spoken to twice.
They continuously asked my stepbrother what his plans for college were (we are in the same grade, and he already had his graduation dinner), got my other stepbrother’s favorite dessert (I got what was left when he was done), and played with my stepsister’s baby.
I tried not to think about it too much and wrote it off as me being too self-centered. Then I went to college, and even still, their focus was on my younger brothers’ football games, the grandkids, and the other brothers’ marching bands.
They travel hours for them. I asked him at the end of my freshman year to come to a showing of my department where they would show off everything I had been working on this year (bear in mind, I hadn’t asked him for anything this year and this was my first school event where we invite our families).
However, he told me that he wouldn’t be able to make it because he was going to my stepbrother’s marching band performance that’s 6 hours away (my school is less than 20 minutes from them). Then came my birthday, the last straw.
My dad texted me 2 days before and asked if I wanted to go out to eat for my birthday, I said yes, and 2 days later, I met them at the restaurant with my actual brother.
When we get there, we put our names on the list and wait for our table to be ready.
While we’re waiting, my dad and stepmom put on a football game on their phones because my stepbrother is at a real game and they might show them on the TV screen. This goes on throughout the entire dinner, where, just like my graduation dinner, I’m spoken to twice (I didn’t even get to finish speaking the second time because my stepbrother showed up on the screen and they flipped out in front of the waiter, claiming, “sorry, we just saw our son on TV” then proceeded to talk about him for the next 45 minutes.
Afterwards, we gave hugs and left. My brother asked how I enjoyed the dinner and I said I didn’t. Two days later my dad texts me saying I need to communicate that I’m upset that it’s hard to make everyone happy and that he’s trying his best. I have a fake “it’s ok” speech, but it’s still eating me up that no matter what, I’m always second best to his new family.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your dad sounds like the kind of man whose involvement in his kids’ lives is dependent on being together with their mother. He’s no longer with your mother and so your relationship suffers. If he and your stepmother were to divorce, I think he might stop being as invested in his stepkids’ lives.
And will then shift that focus to the kids of the woman he’s with next. This is just a guess. I might be way off. Do try communicating more, like he said. He takes out his phone while you two are out to dinner, tell him to put it away.
Insist on one-on-one dinners, no step-mom and no stepkids. If the dinner is about you, get him to engage with you, if his focus shifts to someone or something unrelated to the dinner, bring his attention back to the conversation you were having.
If he lets you down, let him know. See if that will change things. If things don’t change, then just try and make peace with things as they are, limit your expectations, and focus on the other people in your life who show up for you.” solo_throwaway254247
Another User Comments:
“Only partially NTJ. I read a lot of complaints, but have you ever contributed, also emotionally? As others stated, you are old enough to express your feelings and needs. You are part of his past, still, you are his son and he was there for you, I bet also financially.
You need to grow up and stop playing the victim. There are many kids out there who never get to see their dad at all. You are an adult now, his job is done. As for the future relationship, both of you are responsible for” Stunning_Ad_2867
Another User Comments:
“I get why you’re frustrated. If you don’t feel comfortable talking with him about it, do you feel comfortable seriously limiting contact with him? If all he brings is a constant disappointment, why not let him fall to the wayside?
It seems like you would like a relationship with your dad, but it doesn’t seem like he’s putting in solid effort on his end. You shouldn’t have to beg for attention, while he freely gives it to your step-siblings.
You’re an adult, so technically you don’t have to contact him unless he is paying for your college classes. Then you may have to put up with the disappointment until you graduate. Surround yourself with people who want to actively be around you and support you in your endeavors.
I wish you the best!” no_thanks_9802
4. AITJ For Snapping At My Sister After She Got Mad About My Partner Staying Over?
“I (27F) and my sister (25F) have always had a bit of a complex relationship. She’s the youngest and I’m the oldest (three girls in total!) all three of us are very close, often video calling 4-6 times a day and sharing a lot of our lives.
We’ve gotten into arguments before because I have always felt she was a mean person (I.e., always wanting others to do for her but not wanting to reciprocate, easily irritated, and often quick to talk down about others, not like her, complaining a lot, talking to people in very rude ways).
She feels that I am too sensitive and take everything personally. The basis of this blowout is below:
I invited my partner to my mom’s place with my mom’s permission and he would stay the night as he was driving 4 hours to come for the 4th of July.
When I told my sister she got super irritated and told me she didn’t like that I invited him. I was put off, but I didn’t say anything initially. The rest of the day went on but it was clear she was upset.
Later on that night, I asked her directly if she was upset with me.
At first, she said “No I’m just tired” and then launched into saying that it was wrong of me to invite my partner over to stay the night without checking with her to see if she was comfortable with him staying.
She also said she’s been annoyed because I kept bringing him up in conversations for no reason and felt that I was “forcing him on them”. I apologized for this and acknowledged that I should have checked with everyone before assuming they’d be cool with him in the house.
I told her I only talked about him because I liked him and was happy with him and wanted to share in that with my siblings but if she wasn’t okay with that I’d stop. She got upset and felt I was being condescending and said “There’s a lot I could say but I’m not going to, it’s your relationship, so I don’t care”.
I said that she always says there’s more she could say and asked her to explain what she means by that. She then got more upset and told me to leave her alone.
Here’s where I may be the jerk: I said “Okay, I’ll leave you alone since you need to be left alone”.
I was frustrated with her and snapped a little bit. This comment made her “blackout” and she started yelling at me, calling me sensitive, saying this is why she doesn’t talk to me and why she doesn’t like me, I told her that she’s mean and evil and I don’t like her either so we don’t have to talk at all anymore.
Words were exchanged. I hit below the belt by telling her that the reason all of her friendships and relationships have ended is because she’s mean and makes everything about herself. She called me a fat jerk and told me she hated me.
I have apologized for my comments as I knew it was hurtful. She apologized too but insisted that she blacked out, didn’t remember what she said, and only reacted that way because I “egged her on” with my passive-aggressive comment.
Please someone tell me if I’m wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She seems like the kind of person that makes everything about themselves. Perhaps cut down on how often you all call each other – video calling 4-6 times a day seems rather excessive.
I love my sister, but if we talked that often I’d probably want to strangle her after a few days. If you talk a little less you actually might have something to say when you do.” bargram
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for what you said, but you need to start holding her accountable for her ‘blackouts’. She is using them as an excuse to be vile, and you need to start having consequences. You guys seem very close, so you should be able to have a conversation as to why exactly she feels the way she felt about having him over.
When she starts ‘blacking out’, end the conversation. End the call. Walk away. Shut. It. Down. When she isn’t ‘blacked out’ you guys can continue to conversation, but don’t sit there and let her spit that at you.” JustAsICanBeSoCruel
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you appear to be aware you skating near below the belt territory. But your sister? Woof, I’m going to go with your story with the details given and no history of behavior like this. If she blacked out she needs to go to the doctor now.
If this was abnormal to such a degree she blacks out but is acting erratically this can be serious and should be looked into immediately. Do not ignore this from a healthcare standpoint. Gland issues, tumors, aneurysm, stroke… then this would be a firm no jerk here and hope everyone is okay… now the other side of this is far more… aggravating and way less important that your sister feels the need to pretend a health scare or psychotic break over, I dunno, being a bit extra about your new beau.” [deleted]
3. AITJ For Expecting My Cousin To Finish My Grandmother's Quilt For My Baby?
“I (28F) am 7 months pregnant with my first child. My whole family was excited for me when I announced it and my grandma had promised to make a quilt for my baby.
She was an avid crafter – she loved knitting, crocheting, embroidery, and all kinds of sewing including quilting. Very sadly, my grandma suffered a major heart attack and passed away almost three months ago.
Only a few weeks ago, I found out that all of her crafting supplies had been given to my younger cousin (21F).
This wasn’t a surprise since this cousin, I’ll call her Bree, is as much of a crafting fanatic as our grandma. She learned a lot from her and they used to spend family gatherings together, sitting and working on their respective projects.
My husband suggested that maybe Bree would be willing to finish the quilt our grandma had started to make. I called her and asked if she had the quilt-in-progress. She said she wasn’t sure where it might be – my uncles packed up grandma’s house and everything that looked craft-related got put in a box and given to Bree – and that she didn’t have time to look for it just then.
I then asked her if she would be willing to finish it once she did find it since I wanted my baby to have something my grandma had at least partially made. She said she was sorry, but no, because she realistically wasn’t going to get around to it anytime soon.
She’s doing summer courses so she can graduate college in December and she also has a part-time job. The last thing she said though stuck in my craw, which was along the lines of “and I don’t feel like making a quilt, so it wouldn’t be enjoyable”.
I let it go then, but I talked about it with my mom later about how irritating Bree’s answer was. I understand she has time constraints, but she still works on her hobbies, so it boils down to her not caring enough about me or my baby to do this for us.
If our grandma could do it, why couldn’t she, you know? Mom agreed that she was rude and told her brother (Bree’s dad) about what she said and then the whole family knew and had opinions.
Bree called me a couple of days later saying that my behavior was childish and that it’s bad taste to complain about not receiving a gift. She said she found the fabric that grandma had intended to use for the quilt and it turns out she hadn’t even gotten started on it before she passed. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m really sad that even if the quilt gets made somehow none of it will be my grandma’s work.
Now that we know Grandma hadn’t started it, Bree’s convinced the family that I got everyone worked up over nothing and that I was the jerk for being pushy about what would’ve been a gift. Even my mom, who initially agreed with me, now thinks I should’ve dropped it when Bree first said no and that I started family drama unnecessarily.
My husband feels bad for suggesting it but also thinks my family is being fair weather.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I’m sorry but you did start drama unnecessarily. Asking Bree if she was able to finish the quilt was fine but her answer was no. You then talked badly about her to others and caused unnecessary conflict.
Also, the whole accusing her of “not caring enough about you or your baby” comes off as very entitled. To add, yes OP’s mom was also a jerk for telling others the jerk things OP was saying.” jrm1102
Another User Comments:
“YTJ as a creative person who knows a lot of other creative people – you cannot just do a project you aren’t interested in, have it turn out well, and give it away, on very little notice, at someone’s request. You’re asking someone who already works full time (Between her classes and her job) to do several hours of specialized labor for free.
Quilting is not easy. It takes years to get good at it. On top of that, your cousin also lost her grandmother very recently, and you’re asking her to dig through her grandma’s stuff and alter one of the last things she touched. When my grandma died I took the book she was reading from her house to finish it for her and it took me *months* to get through the book because I was mourning.
I read a book that size in maybe 2 days usually, if I’m enjoying it. If I had taken one of her crochet projects to complete instead, I would not have been able to pick it up for at least a year just on the chance I would botch it.” sikkerhet
2. AITJ For Wanting My Mom At My Graduation Over My Sister's Delivery Room?
“So some relevant information, my dad passed away when I was only five months old leaving my mom a single mother of six. My siblings and I have quite a big age gap, so losing our dad was tough on everyone but somehow my mom made it through.
That being said, I got the bad end of the stick. On top of not growing up with a father, the age gap I had with my sibling made it to where my mom would choose them over something I had.
Her reasoning being that I was young and had more opportunities for her to be present.
This never really worked out though, because even as my siblings got older they still needed my mom. The last big thing she was my college move in day because my brother into car accident and she drove to go be with him.
(He was fine. He just needed help with insurance stuff) I try to be okay with these things because I know my mom doesn’t want to be put in these situations, but it always feels like I am having to be the one okay with it.
Anyways this leads me to a couple of weeks ago. I was graduating college and obviously wanted my entire family to be there. My sister is heavily pregnant with her first child and couldn’t attend. I was upset but understood that traveling so close to the due date is not recommended. I thought that was it, until my mom called and told me that my sister had asked her to be with her in the delivery room.
And since her due date was literally only two days apart from my graduation, she didn’t know if she could do both.
I don’t know what happened but I just kinda snapped. I started crying and asking why it always has to be me.
Why do I always have to be the one that she misses out on. I told her that it’s whatever. She always does this and it will be just another thing she misses out on and hung up.
We didn’t talk about it again but my mom came to my graduation. My sister gave birth the day after and she wasn’t there.
This leads to a couple a days ago, when my mom sat me down.
She told me she couldn’t make up for the past, but could try and make things right. She told me I could stay with her rent free and she would be paying off the rest of my car note.
My sibling only got to stay home six months rent free after college so this a big surprise.
I guess this news somehow got to my sister, because I end up getting a call from her where she precedes to call me a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants.
There was more said on the phone call but that really sums it up. My mom said not to listen to her as it’s just postpartum, but now she’s demanding I apologize for taking mom away from her when she needed her the most.
I really don’t think I’m the jerk here, but my mom thinks I should just apologize to get it over with. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ As you mentioned, your feelings, wants and events have always been put on the back burner or given less consideration than your siblings.
It’s an unfortunate situation for your sister, but this isn’t your fault and doesn’t make you spoiled. You had these feelings bottled up, and had enough of being treated as lowest priority. Your mom then made the decision to stay for your graduation.
Your graduation date hasn’t been a surprise — it was known, and your mom and sister both would’ve known that your mom eventually would’ve had to decide where to be that day. You don’t owe your sister an apology, but if she continues to call and berate you…hang up.
She’s your mom too and you also deserve to have her there for your milestones. I hope you and your mom are able to work on your relationship.” chaenukyun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ It was your mom’s actions that resulted in her not being there when your sis gave birth, not yours.
You simply expressed how disappointed you were that you were always the ‘other’ child when there was a conflict. You didn’t even try to make her be there; you literally told her it would be another thing she’d miss out on because you expected her to miss out on it.
Now, as for the sister, a lot of that will be stress and hormones from just giving birth, but you really have nothing to apologize for. If you want, you might choose to let her know that you understand why she’s upset that your mother wasn’t there for her when she gave birth, but not accept any blame for it.” IAndaraB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Write a list of what your mum has missed of yours because of your siblings and send it in a group chat. Ask them how any of that was fair or how it makes you spoiled. Do not apologise.
Your mum asking you to is literally another example of her placing your siblings wants/emotions over your own. She made the decision to be at your graduation and doesn’t get to blame you.” wineandsmut
1. AITJ For Leaving My Own Birthday Hangout Because Of A Difficult Friend?
“It’s my birthday today. My flatmates, who are also my friends, wanted to celebrate, so they organized a small get-together. I don’t like being the center of attention, so I asked them to treat it as just a casual hangout and not a birthday celebration.
We confirmed the plan, and my best friend even baked a cake, insisting I should have some. A few hours before the meet-up, I informed the guests that I might leave early due to a migraine.
Everything was going well until a guest, Gee, showed up.
I know that my flatmates invited Gee, I just didn’t expect her to show up because it was already 10 pm, and we had been hanging out for 3 hours already.
Because of some recent issues between us, I was uncomfortable with Gee being there.
Gee and I are from the same country. Last month, when I visited home, she asked me to bring back some items for her—dresses, makeup, cosmetics, and food. I accidentally left her makeup and cosmetics behind. Although I apologized and offered her to use mine until she could replace hers, she was upset and ignored my messages, stating “apologies can’t change anything”.
Gee later borrowed some makeup from my flatmate for her trip. My flatmates didn’t have the items Gee needed. I do have them, new, and unused, but she still ignored me.
The whole friend group knew about the issue and explained to her that I didn’t do that on purpose, and I forgot my stuff as well.
She still refused to listen and kept repeating that I didn’t take her make-up & cosmetics here for her.
For the whole month, she ignored my messages and stopped participating in the group chats that I was a member of.
When she got back from her trip (1-month trip), she complained that I didn’t text her while she was away, even though she had ignored me. She said that she had no problem with me and that I must hate her now because I didn’t text at all during her trip while everyone else did.
I don’t text anyone just to check on them. I only text someone privately when necessary, the rest will be on group chat. And I was active in group conversations during that time. It was she who stopped participating.
Also, a few days before her trip, I went through a breakup and was heartbroken. I didn’t expect her to check on me (she never did), but it frustrated me that she blamed me for not texting her during that time.
When I mentioned in the group chat that I might leave the meet-up early, Gee texted my best friend, suggesting it was because of her – she said something like “Is it because I read messages on the group chat that’s why she was unhappy”?
This annoyed me further. I felt like whatever happened – Gee always tried to make her the victim.
When Gee arrived, I immediately left said it was my migraine, asking my friends to save me a piece of cake.
I don’t want to cut ties with Gee; I just need time to process my feelings toward her.
Now, my flatmates tell me Gee is crying and blaming herself for my leaving, and I feel bad about making her cry and missing my best friend’s cake.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Why in the world are you friends with someone who treats you so poorly? She holds a grudge over a mistake when you were doing her a favor, complaining to you and your friends about it, then she ignores you while complaining that you didn’t text her when she was on vacation?!
Then you leave your party because she showed up, and she’s supposedly crying nonstop? Y’all have a lot of drama. Just go about your life without worrying about what someone who is terminally indecisive is doing or thinking.
She’s treating you like a yo-yo. Go do something fun for yourself. NTJ for Gee’s crocodile tears, she should be talking to you instead of crying to everyone else, same for you. If you plan on remaining friends with her, you’ll have to hash this out with her.” AgitatedJacket9627
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, because you knew Gee was going to be there. You knew your friends had invited her. As awkward as this would be, you could have told them before the get-together, “I’m not comfortable with Gee being there.
Can you please fix this?” Instead, you waited until the moment she arrived at your birthday party to get up and leave? That’s terrible behavior.” Active-Anteater1884
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