People Ponder Whether They're Culpable In Their "Am I the Jerk?" Stories
21. AITJ For Buying My Son A Lock Box To Store His Snacks?
“I have 2 sons James (11) and Danny (7). Since they were little we have had a deal when we do our grocery shopping for the week they can pick out a junk food like cookies, chips, or whatever. That’s their treat for the week. They can share but they don’t have to.
There’s plenty of other stuff to eat but this is their ‘special’ thing.
James has a dairy allergy, so can only have certain things.
Up until recently, they’d each get something they both liked and share, but then a month or so ago Danny picked out some Cheetos.
James couldn’t have any so Danny figured out that if he got something with dairy he didn’t have to share. He’s been getting stuff with cheese since.
The thing is Danny said that since ‘it’s not his fault James can’t have it’ he’s still entitled to some of his brother’s treats.
Danny offered to trade, James declined and Danny asked for some of his snacks anyway. James says ‘I can’t have any of yours, you can’t have mine’. That resulted in Danny asking me to ‘make James let him have some.’ I said those are their treats for the week and he’s the one that picked Cheetos so James doesn’t have to share if he doesn’t want to a no is a no.
For the last few weeks, James has been complaining about running out quickly. I just figured he was eating more than he thought, or my wife was putting them in his lunch.
Then last week I came up from the basement and Danny was standing in the kitchen eating some of James’ cookies.
I asked what he was doing and he said ‘James said I could have some’. I asked James and he said, ‘no I didn’t’. That was a whole ‘it’s not fair’ argument.
I put them on a higher shelf and told James to tell me when he wanted some and I’d get them.
Which I thought worked.
My wife kept brushing it off and saying ‘that’s how kids are’, ‘you’re an only child you wouldn’t get it’.
Then Sunday we went and did our weekly shopping. James and Danny got their snack, Danny got cheez-its and asked James to try one of his pringles, James said no and I put them up in their spot.
I went to do some work in my office, James was working on homework, and Danny was watching TV. I came around the corner in the kitchen and Danny was on the counter eating his brother’s pringles. I yelled at him and hid his cheez-its.
My wife’s suggestion was ‘neither of them gets special snacks anymore’. But why punish both for one’s behavior?
I ordered a food locker. I gave it to James with a lock and key.
Danny had a fit.
Now my wife is mad at me and said I’m a jerk and playing favorites.
That they’re just having a normal sibling disagreement and it’ll pass but I went too far with a lock box.
Danny isn’t understanding No and I don’t want him growing up thinking he can have whatever he wants.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and it’s exasperating that your wife is working against you this hard when your concerns involve food allergies.
These are basic precautions. If she’s not going to help you enforce them, then of course you’re going to have to default to other strategies. What did she expect?
This is 100% valid and a great idea. If you want to take away the accusation of playing favorites, you can also reinforce lessons of personal property with Danny by also buying him a lockbox in order to help him reframe this situation.
‘Everyone has things that belong to them, and they have a right to keep those things to themselves. Why don’t you get your three most treasured things and bring them here, and I’ll show you how to protect them in this lockbox?’
Sorry you’re being fought so hard over this.
It’s a little ridiculous, to be honest.” one_1f_by_land
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I have had this same problem in my house with my oldest and younger son. The younger son has multiple food allergies (one being dairy) so he will get a certain snack like Skittles and usually didn’t mind sharing but he needs to be asked first. His brother will get something that isn’t ‘safe’ for his little brother and then makes the excuse that he would share but can’t and then used to eat his and more than his share of his brother’s treat as well.
So my younger son started hiding his food. It happened with money too. Our oldest had some mental health issues (Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Intermittent Explosive Disorder, anxiety, depression) as well as a parathyroid tumor that has complicated matters but he has really firm boundaries now so he can’t manipulate his siblings into giving him what he wants and it took a lot of us presenting a united front and being firm, fair and consistent with him.
Your wife doesn’t understand that Danny is trying to push the envelope to see what he can get away with. If she allows him to keep getting away with this he’s going to continue to steal and think he’s gotten away with it without punishment.
Ultimately, showing Danny that there are consequences to his actions is the correct way to handle it. Getting a food locker for James is a good start. If he asks why calmly explain to him that James is not taking food that doesn’t belong to him but he (Danny) has been and had been lying about it.
That should not only teach him that he’s being watched but that he’s being held accountable for it as well. Good luck!” Albuquicky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like you said: one of your kids has figured out that he doesn’t have to share his snacks if he gets something the other can’t eat, so he’s gaming the agreement that was worked out.
We’ve all been children and we know that they’re sneaky like that. Danny can take advantage of this if he wants to, but he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. If he’s going to continue getting things that James can’t eat and stealing James’ food because he wants to benefit from both sides, then giving James a means to store his food away safely without worrying about his brother taking it is perfectly acceptable.
I don’t know why your wife is being so immature about this, but she needs to stop.” ShadowCoon
20. AITJ For Calling My Partner's Mother Manipulative And Cold-Hearted?
“I (24F) went to art school and freelanced for a while before I started working as a photographer for a modeling company. My partner (24M) comes from a very well-off family and is a first-year associate at a good law firm. We’ve been together for 5 years now, we’ve always gotten along well and he’s always been sweet.
His family has never liked me.
Recently, I found out that my partner told his family that we had broken up because they were pressuring him to marry a girl they’d set him up with. He’d been going out with this girl without telling me, and when I found out and confronted him, he also confessed that they’d slept together.
He claimed that he thought it was okay because he was 90 percent sure that I’d sneaked behind his back with my roommate anyway (I haven’t). The roommate concern is one he’s had since we started seeing each other because she kissed me once when we were younger (not when I was with my partner).
After I found out he was having an affair, he broke it off with the other girl and said that we could go to his family home and ‘take a stand’. My roommate said to break up with him, but he begged for another chance.
So we visited his family. I was under the impression that we would tell them that it didn’t matter if they thought I wasn’t good enough for him. But when we got there, my partner told his mother that it was okay if I was never as successful as him and that it would actually be good if I never did anything with my life because I would be able to stay home and look after the children in the future.
We’d never discussed children before, so this caught me completely off guard. He claimed that after we were married things would settle down and we could all join together as one family. We’ve never discussed marriage either.
His mother was angry and started to shout at him, saying that she’d already told him to break up with me and that she didn’t want to hear what he had to say.
She said that he would always be held back by me and that it would be better to marry someone in their ‘social pool’.
He didn’t really defend me at all. I told her that she was a manipulative cold-hearted witch and that I’d been nothing but good to her son, and that he was lucky to still have me because he’d been a real jerk to me.
My partner was annoyed at me. He says I embarrassed him and he’s the laughingstock of the family. His words have always had a strong effect on me. I’m not sure if what I did was out of line, especially because his mother is older than me.
I feel bad for blowing up at her in front of her family, it was incredibly disrespectful of me, but my friends all say it was completely valid. I’m still not sure.
Am I the jerk for blowing up at her?
Quick edit: I dumped him.
I just feel horrible about what I did to his mother.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you are being a jerk to yourself for trying to ‘take a stand’ against what I think you know should have been your better judgment. Put aside the rotten ex or his witch of a mom— the conversation wouldn’t have even happened if you had valued yourself and dumped him as soon as you found out he was screwing around and trying to justify it by suggesting you were unfaithful.
Please, listen to your roommate and people who actually love you– you don’t deserve to be treated like trash by your ex and his mom. Please consider talking to a therapist about why you were willing to stay with someone who was treating you so badly, to the point you were ignoring that field of waving red flags.” pdxflwerpwer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
The blowing-up part doesn’t really matter. Respectfully, are you two even still in a relationship? He’s either lying to his parents about your relationship, or he has vast expectations for the relationship you two have not discussed.
He sees you as a trophy wife and does not have any capacity to achieve anything otherwise… His mother doesn’t like this plan.
You didn’t agree to be a trophy wife.
You need to sort this out before you even need to worry about dealing with your partner’s mother.” User
Another User Comments:
“Darling you are NTJ. The mom clearly was sabotaging your relationship without cause. The family set him up with another girl?
She demanded he breaks up with you because she felt they were better than you! She disrespected you twice to your face (and probably a lot more behind your back) so she got her due. Don’t feel bad you called it like you saw it.
She was cold and manipulative to interfere in your relationship and her son was a jerk. So his infidelity was ok because he ‘thought’ you were lying? Stay far away from these people they sound hideously toxic. I betcha they don’t feel bad or guilty for what they did.” DimmyMoore70
19. AITJ For Kicking My Mom Out Of The House?
“I’m (33M) beyond angry about this, some of my siblings are telling me it was an overreaction while also mad at what she did. I’d really like some thoughts because the house seems divided.
My wife Kara and I were friends for years, she was in a very toxic and abusive relationship for 3 years until she begged us (me and our close friends) to help her get out.
It was difficult but we made it possible. We all pitched in for her to stay as far as possible while she got a restraining order and all that jazz.
We each took turns going to visit, then she found out she was pregnant so I helped out more.
Her ex passed from illegal substances when my stepson (7M) was 4 months old so since then we all became sort of like uncles/aunts to him. Around that time I knew I developed feelings for her but we never ever did anything because she had her son and personal issues to process.
It didn’t feel right at the time.
But yes we did start a relationship 3 years later. She’s the one who first admitted she was in love with me so things went from there. We just got married, and she’s 5 mos pregnant with our second child.
I will say that yeah my mom had issues at the start of our relationship because she believed Kara was faking what happened to her just to make me feel sorry for her and take care of them.
We went through a period of not talking until she apologized so we mended things somewhat.
My mom came to stay at our house which was my dad’s house until he decided to give ownership to me when they moved. He passed away 10 months ago and with the economy, my mom couldn’t stay where they were living before.
We are still trying to work out where she can live long-term.
I heard my mom get into an argument with my wife because she was trying to redecorate the nursery against Kara’s wishes. All I heard was my mom telling her she’s not the lady of the house just because her ‘fake victim sob story’ worked on me.
She looked flustered when I demanded she tell me what that meant. And basically, she held onto that same belief but she was willing to put up with my choices on who I marry so she doesn’t lose me. Everything she had to say infuriated me.
And then seeing how upset Kara was by everything, I called my brother to come to pick my mom up because she can’t stay here right now.
My mom wouldn’t stop crying to not do this to her just for being honest. She’s still at my brother’s but they keep trying to talk me into letting her come back because this was my dad’s house and of course, she wants to feel closer to him.
But after asking Kara if this is the first time she’s said anything she revealed my mom has told her numerous times what she thinks of her and kept it from me because she knew it would hurt our relationship. For that reason, I haven’t let my mom come back.
It’s hard because I know what this house means to her and that she’s still sad about my dad but I also can’t forgive her for upsetting my wife. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your mom was really out of line.
And I’ll basically repeat what everyone else is saying, that your brother doesn’t want her there that’s why he’s pushing you to forgive her. Don’t. Unless she makes a sincere apology and changes her ways completely don’t. And don’t buy into any nonsense ‘she’s too old to change’ excuse either.
Stand firm with your ground. Your mother will just walk all over your boundaries if you let her back now just for the sake of it. She’s putting your wife in an abusive relationship with her, and it’s quite clear she lacks empathy. Don’t put your wife through that, and definitely don’t put your kids through that either.
She will definitely tell your kids what she tells your wife. My grandmother is like your mother. Just not worth it.” LivingDemon28
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She messed around and found out. It’s more important to her to be right about your wife than to have a relationship with you.
It was a phenomenally dumb move on her part since she depends on your good graces to live in that house.
The bottom line is she’s been secretly harassing your pregnant wife and continues to not think very highly of her. She is stubbornly refusing to accept the truth about the amount of misery she endured and is behaving abhorrently towards her.
She is narcissistic and genuinely gobsmacked that she is having to suffer some consequences for her bad behavior. Your brother doesn’t want her to be his problem, thus begging you to take her back. Hold the line, you are a good husband to your wife.
Your mom is wrong on all counts, you reacted perfectly.” Ema630
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is now learning the lesson that she can’t just run her mouth with any old nonsense her mind comes up with without consequence. Do not let her into your home anytime soon.
Tell your siblings they can play hot potato with your mother because for now you want nothing to do with her and making the next 4 months (minimum) as stress-free as possible for your pregnant wife is your only concern. Your mother has continued with this nonsense for years and enough is enough.
What you did wasn’t an overreaction. I don’t think you can really overreact in a situation like this short of physical assault.
If/When you decide to let her back into your life have a private sit down and make it clear that this will never happen again.
That she can either respect your wife (and treat your kids equally – trust me on this one) or she can’t be in your lives let alone your home. Also culturally if therapy isn’t taboo tell your siblings to find a professional for her to talk to.” PommeDeSang
18. AITJ For Making My Mom Pay My Phone Bill?
“My mother (50) has had issues regarding addiction my whole life. I’ve had little or no contact with her for large periods of my childhood and teenage life. I (F21) am the youngest of 4 of her children and my eldest sister spent her whole life with my mum.
My mother frequently relapses and becomes delusional during them, forgetting what she has done, usually begrudgingly apologizing many weeks later for the terror we endure. Two weeks ago my middle sibling (F23) was on the receiving end of this behavior triggered by a video of my nephew on a family group chat that my mother did not approve of which she says caused her to relapse.
My middle sister (23) has since decided to go no-contact with my mother and I have given her my support (she helped me during my teenage years when I was no-contact with our mom). The issue that has occurred is that my mom usually pays for my phone bill every month and has done so since I was 14, when I left home I began to pay for it on my own until I had financial difficulty and was unable to do so.
I’m financially good again but she insisted that she wanted to pay still and I was very grateful.
During these recent arguments and my mother’s relapse, she spent all of her money on bills, I received a text from our phone provider stating the account was in arrears yesterday.
Initially, I was more than willing to pay for her and my phone bill to get her account out of arrears until I learned the bill was over £160. I’m a college student and don’t have that amount to spare.
Annoyed that my phone was going to be cut off I got myself a new phone plan attached to my bank account, paid for by myself.
The problem is that my mom is in a 23-month contract for our phones and is still going to have to pay for that contract until it expires in 2023. I’m leaving her to pay for it herself because I need to have a reliable phone that I don’t need to worry about getting cut off every time she relapses but knowing how much money she’s going to pay for nothing and the debt she’s in I’m starting to feel like a jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mother took out the contract herself. She is obligated to pay for that. You wanted to help out by covering the arrears but if you cannot afford it then you cannot afford it. Finding the affordable option for you and paying for this yourself is the responsible thing to do, you’ve done what you can regarding the phone.
Your mother needs help, although I feel she uses her ‘relapses’ as a way to manipulate you and your siblings based on the nephew incident. Going no-contact seems like a good idea and maybe you can follow suit.” I-have-no-preference
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… but side note… you or your siblings do not do things that cause her to relapse.
She is responsible for her behavior, and unless you are shoving substances and booze into her hands, it has nothing to do with you. Addicts will assign a cause for relapse as a way to justify it, but the fact is they make the choice.
Addiction can be hard for loved ones, and addicts are experts at emotional manipulation. Please know that you are not responsible for her actions or mental health!” User
We lost our phones. We switched to another company and let our contract go. There was nothing they could do. He was off work, we lived off the sales of his 1800's Smith and Wesson guns and his childhood comic book collection for the 2 years it took for him to get on SSDI.
I would feel a little bad for her but the phone is her responsibility. She would be paying for it anyway just to keep her phone, right?
I'd let her know you had to get a new plan though. She might be able to get the bill down a little if she's not paying data for a second line.
Honestly she didn't pay the bill. She let you down.
17. AITJ For Not Inviting My Partner To A Family Gathering?
“My partner that I’ve been together with for a few months is upset with me for not bringing her to any family gatherings yet. The problem is, we both work at the same place and very rarely ever have the same days off. I’m having the entire weekend off for the first time in a month and it’s a couple of days before my brother’s birthday.
So I’m going back home to spend the day with my family.
She’s upset and says she’s going to stop asking me to bring her. I’ve tried explaining that when we do have days off together I’ll bring her to meet them but she doesn’t want to hear it.
Am I doing something wrong?
EDIT: She is working that entire weekend and doesn’t have the vacation time to take off if she wanted to.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not purposely keeping her away from them. You’ve explained the very logical reason why she’s not going.
You can’t magically move the family gathering to her day off. She’s being unrealistic. Next time she brings it up, remind her you already explained, and just walk away.” Old_Mintie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the visits you’re having with family are just happening to fall on the days when she’s working and you’re not, it really can’t be helped. To be perfectly honest, as someone who’s been in a relationship for over fifteen years, I really don’t understand the people who feel some kind of way about not meeting/hanging out with a partner’s family.
It’s such a bizarre thing to get worked up about.
Regardless, no, you’re not doing anything wrong and you’ve said that if you both ever have time off together and schedules allow, you’ll take her to meet them. If she keeps whining about it, just tell her that you’re not going to take her to your family until she matures emotionally first.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“Ok ignoring the fact it might be way too soon for her to meet your family (you two need to talk about expectations and what you both are and aren’t comfortable with if you aren’t ready for her to meet your family) do you tell her about these events ahead of time or are you just waiting til last minute.
Asking because regardless of whether she has the time stored up to just ask for the day off, if you’re just letting her know last minute that you aren’t going to be around, that’s sort of a problem.
Like if you told her a few weeks ago or longer and she didn’t make the effort to find coverage, NTJ.
If on the other hand you pretty much told her this week, YTJ.” PommeDeSang
If you're planning on her being permanent then you both need to go to the boss and request a weekend off together to go visit the family.
If you aren't there yet then this is a red flag for me. I wouldn't take someone out of town for the weekend and stay together in a family member's home u less it was serious.
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Bake With My Mom?
“My great aunt, who pretty much raised my mom, passed away a month ago.
My mom is very torn up about it but is more or less acting like she’s fine. I am a second-generation American on her side, and our family actively participates in Greek cultural traditions. My mother also has a history of gaslighting/being generally toxic.
I had made arrangements a few weeks ago to go with a friend to her prom (which is this weekend). We had decided that I would go to her house beforehand so that we could get ready together, and then get something to eat.
A couple of days ago, my mom informed me that we were going to be going to a service for Orthodox Easter that is about an hour and a half away, meaning that I would have to leave my friend’s prom early.
I was obviously upset, but I knew it was really important to her that we go this year, and I would like to get to know my culture better.
I didn’t say anything, except that I didn’t know we were going, to which she said that she had told me (she hadn’t). I only found out we were going because I was trying to see if my friend and I could hang out after prom as well.
I’m sure that my mother would otherwise have told me the day of because she’s done that before with other things.
Today, my mother informed me that we were going to be waking up early to bake a traditional greek dish for Orthodox Easter.
I said that I couldn’t get up early, as I’m already going to be out until at least one in the morning due to the service, and I was planning to sleep in as late as my body needed because I’ve been having a lot of sleep issues lately.
My mother then got very upset and didn’t seem to understand why I didn’t immediately say okay. She asked me a few times (in a fairly hostile tone) how late I was planning on sleeping and didn’t drop it until I’d answered for the third or fourth time.
I told her that I didn’t know how late I’d be sleeping, as I had been planning to give my body as much time to sleep as it needed, since I haven’t been able to do so all week, and even then, I had only gotten one day to fully rest. I then said that I wished she would have told me beforehand so that I could’ve figured something out, and she said that she did tell me.
I know that had she told me, I would’ve figured out how to work it into my day, as I’ve done so before. We then argued about it for a minute, and I don’t fully remember what happened after that, only that I was very confused and a bit triggered. When we got home, she slammed the car door and kinda stormed inside, not even looking at me.
I understand that this is important to her, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my health to help her make bread. She’s able to make it on her own, and I would like to learn how to make it, but I’m unable to this year.
I genuinely can’t understand why she’s so upset. I’m still going to be home for the next two years, so why is it so important that I learn how to do it this year specifically?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom needs to learn to communicate better.
And she needs to learn that you are a person, not a robot.” ChapSteve711
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
Your mom should seek counseling to help her through her grief which is surely affecting her behavior. I would NOT acquiesce to her wishes but I would be kind and gentle in the face of her reactions.” MangalugAC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She sounds exactly like my ex-mother-in-law. Tell her that the ‘tsoureki’ (Greek babka) is made on Thursday before Easter, not on the day because it takes around 10 hours. And buy her a mixer and tell her to bug off.” thelastjadi
15. AITJ For Throwing My Ex-Fling's Clothes Out?
“I know this woman, let’s call her Sara. So I started seeing Sara for a while, and she explicitly told me that I was temporary and such because she had recently broken up with her partner.
Fast forward a month and she leaves her clothes at my house. For some reason, she began ignoring me for months to the point where I saw the friends-with-benefits relationship begin to crumble. The clothes just sitting there on my dresser started to make me uncomfortable so I insisted that she pick them up.
She never did. I got upset with her because she was ignoring me, and decided to ghost/block her on everything but text.
A couple of months later, she texts me and asks for her clothes back. The truth is, I threw them out months ago.
She’s insisting that I compensate her for it, claiming that I am liable because I tossed out her property. Am I liable? And AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You asked her to pick it up. She didn’t. ‘She doesn’t want it and isn’t going to collect it’ is a reasonable assumption.
Expecting someone to keep something for months when they’ve asked you to remove it from their house is unreasonable.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You offered her the opportunity to get it back. If it was so precious she should have asked you within a month.
That’s just absurd. You’re not liable for anything nor would any officer or court take this seriously. You didn’t steal it. She left it.” ReadingSad3238
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She left it at your place. You asked her to come and get it. She ignored you.
You threw it out. If she wanted it, she should have come to get it when you asked.” endlesslies
14. AITJ For Not Wanting My Cousin's Daughter To Be A Bridesmaid At My Wedding?
“My (26f) cousin (38f) and I have always been close. We come from a large I***********n family and have always had large family gatherings. When my cousin got married, I was a junior bridesmaid at the wedding. Now, my cousin has an 11-year-old daughter (Libby).
Libby is honestly just a jerk. I know you’re not supposed to call children names like that, but she is. Always has been. I’m not close with her for this reason. At family gatherings, she ignores me even when I speak directly to her, and she does it to everyone.
She walks in and someone will say hi or give her a compliment, and she will ignore them. Many family members have brought this up to my cousin, but she shrugs it off and says something like, ‘I know, right? She’s such a diva.’
Now onto the actual situation. Last week, the topic of weddings came up with my cousin and some other family members. I mentioned ideas I have for my future wedding. Now, I am not engaged. I currently live with my partner, but we’ve discussed marriage and both agree we aren’t in a rush to get engaged.
Anyway, when I said who would be in my bridal party, not mentioning Libby, my cousin immediately jumped in and indignantly asked why I hadn’t mentioned Libby. I didn’t want to lie, so I just said that I wasn’t planning on including her. She demanded to know why when I had been included in her special day.
At first, I tried to say something about how I just wanted the bridal party even, and we had enough people. She kept insisting that was a dumb reason, and Libby should be in the bridal party, so I finally just said I didn’t want her involved because she’s not very nice to me.
She went off and said that I shouldn’t be penalizing her for her ‘personality’ and that she should be free to ‘express herself,’ which is something she’s said before when other family members have said Libby should be more polite. Here’s when I might be the jerk.
I snapped and said I don’t really like Libby very much because I think she’s mean and don’t want her involved because I don’t feel like dealing with an entitled brat on my future wedding day. Needless to say, things got very awkward.
Since then, some family members have texted me about how upset and hurt my cousin is over this.
They say it’s not right to leave family out of the bridal party and I went too far in my criticism. I said I would apologize for what I said, but I won’t change my decision about including her. My cousin said she won’t come to any more family things where I’m present until I ‘make things right.’ My mom has even said that I should just apologize and say I’ll include Libby, even if I don’t intend to, just so that we can move on.
I don’t want to make any promises though and don’t think I should be bullied into it. I also think it’s ridiculous to be making this big a deal over it since I’m not engaged or actively planning a wedding. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“And people wonder why Libby acts the way she does. Your cousin having you at HER wedding doesn’t mean Libby has to be in YOURS. That’s not how this works. I wouldn’t even apologize for either because what you said is the truth and as I already said, your cousin enables the heck out of Libby’s bad behavior because she is her mini-me.
Also yeah no lying about including Libby because things will go down when you don’t follow through. Not worth the headache. Cousin won’t attend family events if you’re there? Score no more Libby being rude to the entire family and no more enabling cousin.
You are so not at fault for not wanting her involved because she sounds like a headache just to be around at a family dinner. Could you imagine the bridesmaid dress selection? Have to change what you want for your Bachelorette party and Bridal shower because little Veruca doesn’t like XYZ?
Screw that.
NTJ and stand firm OP. Both of them are used to getting their way so by all means call your cousin’s bluff.” PommeDeSang
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… mostly I don’t know, I think she’s just a kid but her mum is definitely allowing it, sassy and rude isn’t a personality, it’s a problem that won’t get her far in life and her mum is doing her an injustice by enabling it.
You tried to talk around it but even with her insistence, you shouldn’t have given in considering you don’t have a date or anything. Sort of made a problem out of something she’s likely to grow out of in a few years.” weird_dreamer17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But YIKES if there is this kind of drama over a theoretical wedding, what do you think is going to happen at your actual wedding? I don’t think you should lie but maybe obfuscate for the sake of family events.
Like… I’m not even engaged maybe I’ll feel differently once I’m engaged, or Libby and I aren’t close perhaps that will change in the future, etc. also, and based on Libby’s mother’s reaction, I think we know where the diva attitude comes from. Good luck – consider eloping.” keepthecrazyquiet
Just think, no more Libby coming to family things and being rude to everyone.
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Talk To My Friend After The Way She Treated Me?
“So last semester in the school year I had failed math, so they transferred me to standard math instead of accelerated. My friends have constantly made fun of me for a while now.
Occasionally they still bring it up as a joke, I don’t think it’s that funny but they don’t care.
In math, I met this girl and she’s pretty nice, however when I said hi to her in the hall my friend said next to me ‘Ew, you hang out with her?
She’s really annoying.’ To me she wasn’t that annoying, she was kind and nice. ‘I mean, she’s fine. I wouldn’t say annoying.’ After that, my friend began talking to me less because of me hanging out with her and some of her friends.
I knew of this but didn’t mention it.
Recently spring break came around, and every time I would try and talk to her she would always answer shortly with ‘Shut up’, ‘no one cares’, and ‘who asked?’ I thought she was joking at first, but she had kept this up all spring break.
Once we got back she didn’t talk to me. I decided to not talk to her either, and after a few days, she just didn’t care. So neither did I. Later on when I went to check, she had kicked me from the group chat we were in.
Today I asked another friend what happened, she told me that she thought I just left the group chat. Turns out, she hadn’t told anyone that she kicked me, but instead just added someone else to replace me. Mostly everyone from the group chat just stopped talking to me too.
I felt regretful for not talking to her but she had started it first, am I in the wrong?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s not your friend, and neither are the people who stopped talking to you and never questioned anything. You deserve better.” TheOneAndOnlyFen
12. AITJ For Being Upset When My Bandmate Canceled?
“I’ve been in a band for a bit now, and first we started off as a four-piece before one of our members started to cancel rehearsals so much for dumb reasons that we just decided it wasn’t working.
We worked together as a three-piece for a little bit before we went on a hiatus due to an unavoidable issue. Then we get back into rehearsal, but our bassist starts to cancel every other week (or more). Like some issues I totally understand, but the majority of the time it’s an avoidable issue, and they even canceled a couple of times because they didn’t feel it (before going to other commitments).
Then he canceled this week, saying he was tired and wasn’t feeling it. I got upset. I didn’t say anything for a bit (it was over text) before telling him that I don’t appreciate having my plans canceled, and would like to avoid canceling if possible.
He agreed before saying he’ll try to make it work, but I still can’t help but feel a bit like a jerk for getting upset about it (although I didn’t actually get mad at him). Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“You have every right to be upset about it.
If this person keeps canceling though, I’d say it’s their time to leave the band. NTJ.” TheOneAndOnlyFen
Another User Comments:
“You’re kind of the jerk. You’re not getting paid for this, instead of jumping down his throat with how you don’t appreciate your time wasted, you could have asked what’s going on.
There could be a health or financial issue or family and he’s coming up with excuses because he’s embarrassed. How about not making him feel bad and asking what’s going on, he’s missed a lot of time.
I would be completely turned off if that was the response I got.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A band won’t work unless everyone is working together. But don’t waste time and energy into trying to make this one work. Just keep looking for other guys that share the same commitment that you have.” BlueRFR3100
In one case, members would be moving on to a different situation where they can make some money. In the other, they just don't want to spend time with one, or more of the people there.
Those are the most common reason's why this might be happening.
Are you the j***? Unless you're the one these band mates are quitting because of, NTJ.
11. AITJ For Being Upset At My Stepdad For Accusing Me Of Something I Didn't Do?
“My sister (18F) moved out of our parents’ house a while back. I (15F) still live there. My sister left on bad terms, and my stepfather (37M) pretty much told her she’s not allowed to ask him for anything ever again. So one day I got home from school and my stepfather starts yelling at me and accusing me of printing stuff out for my sister.
Apparently, he found one of her old homework papers by the family computer and printer area and assumed it was recent and she was having me print things out for her and bring them to her at school.
However, I have never done that and she has her own printer where she lives now.
This paper that my stepfather found was old from back when my sister lived here. So my stepfather was accusing me and refused to believe me when I said I had never done anything like that. I was crying and nearly having a panic attack (I’m diagnosed with anxiety and depression, so stuff like this can especially upset me).
I really didn’t want him to be mad at me over nothing. So then I called my sister and told her what was going on. She told my stepfather she could show him when that homework assignment was posted on google classroom to prove it was old, and text him a picture of her printer to prove she didn’t need me to print things for her.
My stepfather then realizes he was wrong. He gave me an angry apology, clearly still looking for reasons to be mad at me. I had told him it was unfair of him to accuse me like that instead of just trying to talk about it.
He then yelled at me again about how it wasn’t his fault he thought that and that it was my sister’s fault for lying to him so much in the past that he couldn’t trust her. He yelled more and clearly did not care that I hadn’t done anything wrong.
I, however, was still very upset and distant towards him for a while after that.
Was he justified in being so upset at me?
AITJ for being mad at him for this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your stepfather is an adult and should be able to control his temper.
The fact that your sister was able to defend you without even being there makes me think that she was right to get out when she did. Everyone is right, his actions are red flags for an awful parent and you need to let your mother know about this right away.
If she doesn’t back you up and talk to him about his behavior and make sure it NEVER happens again, talk to your sister about how she went about leaving and get the ball rolling. It’s going to be difficult but so is being around this kind of soul-crushing individual. Good luck hon!” Albuquicky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you stepfather sounds like a piece of work. Also, even if you had printed off something for her, his reaction would still be completely out of line. It’s some paper and a little ink for crying out loud.
His reaction was ridiculous.” Used_Mark_7911
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this is awful. Screaming at you until you have a panic attack is unacceptable, whether or not you printed something for your sister. Your stepfather sounds awful, and I don’t think you can trust him to treat you well in the future.” sevenumbrellas
10. AITJ For Uninviting My Mom From My Wedding?
“I am getting married later this year. My fiance and I have had a long engagement and are so very excited that our date is finally fast approaching. My problem is that my mom is distant from me and my new family, despite my trying, and I am tired of trying and hurting.
Because of this, I am wondering if her presence on my wedding day will be negative and toxic and if I should choose my happiness, and not have her present. I am paying for my mother’s airline ticket, her wedding attire, and hotel stay, and her basic needs (food, drink, etc) during the wedding.
My mother and I have had a very strained relationship throughout my childhood, that got progressively worse as I went into college and found my life as an adult. The main reasoning is that my mom is a bit mentally unbalanced, even though she has a good heart.
As of recent (5 years), my mother has made the decision to quit her job. She also hid it from the family.
Eventually, we found out, and she refused all our help and refuses to get a job. She has been making terrible decisions, such as draining her 401k and frivolous spending.
I have spent a large amount of time trying to help her find jobs, but she refuses all of them. She wants to move before she gets a job. She has been hinting that she wants me to move her. My fiance and I house-hunted in 2020 and considered moving into a smaller house in order to buy her a condo.
However, my mom was very demanding and nothing we found for her was good enough. We ended up not moving forward.
My mom refuses to visit, and hasn’t been involved with my stepchildren, whom I love, and put a lot of effort into helping raise.
She has only been to our house once and denies all invites. She spends the holidays alone in the apartment and won’t come over. She won’t let anyone over her place. When I try to talk to her about the wedding, all she does is ask how can I guarantee she won’t get sick.
Most recently, my mom and I went for about 2 mo. without talking, and I called her to check in. It took her a week to return my call, and she snapped at me for the call. I was berated about how nobody cares about her, wants to help, and how she is disgusted with everyone/thing.
I asked her how I can help. She tells me that she knows that I think she should get a job and she doesn’t want to do that so I can’t help her.
I tried to change the subject to more positive things, her dress for the wedding.
We have already picked it out online, but I need her measurements (it’s been 4 months) I’m met with complete silence. I ask her if I can send her some groceries, and she says ‘I don’t need that nonsense.’ I ask her if she got her invite yet, I’m not sure if I had her address right, and she says ‘I don’t care about my mail’.
I’m so over trying. It’s possible she won’t even go without me doing anything, but how long do I need to keep being positive and running into a wall? AITJ for not wanting her around for my wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen, you’ve done every single thing you can to help this person and she’s stonewalling you at every turn.
The smartest, healthiest thing you can do at this point is cancel any plans/arrangements/etc you have for her, text her that she’s uninvited from the wedding and call it a day.
You have a lot of things on your plate and the last thing you need is to continue stressing out trying to help someone who has made it abundantly clear that they do not want your assistance.
When she’s ready to grow up, take responsibility for her life, and come back on your terms at a much later date to prove that she’s changed, then you can give her a second chance. But that’s not going to happen before your wedding and you need to accept that as soon as humanly possible.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m going to be 100 percent honest with you here your mother isn’t interested in you or having a relationship with you. The only one interested was you and you are just going to keep going in these circles just to be met with the same outcome each time until it eventually will break you.
Please for your own sake let it go and move on with your life before you wind up getting hurt. You have a future husband, step-children, and most importantly yourself to focus on now. Don’t lose sight of that for someone who doesn’t want the same kind of relationship you want to have with her.” TheStereoTypeGaymer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all! I think you’ve done plenty here and she will not meet you halfway. Say she does get there, will anything be good enough for her? The flight, the dress, the food, the guests, the music? Your fiancé and stepkids?
If you want it to be your day of celebration and joy, I say let her stay home. And if she whines and tries to give you trouble you can say ‘I’ve tried to get your measurements, address, input, and even tried to have you build a relationship with my family.
In your words, there is nothing I can do.’ Hang up if she starts yelling or won’t let you speak.
I know you are working hard for this relationship and it takes two to build one. Save yourself the effort and the hurt.” realgorditacrunch
9. AITJ For Being Mad At My Partner For Not Being My Plus One?
“I am a bridesmaid in my friend’s wedding and have known about the wedding for months.
I asked my partner a long while ago if he would be my plus one and he agreed that he would. Time went onward and we were about 2 weeks away from the wedding. I reminded him about when it was and he seemed pretty unenthusiastic about attending.
He does not really get along with the groom’s friends and was complaining about them. He also lives about 2hrs away from me and he would have to commute to the wedding. Also, he would need to rent a suit since he does not own one right now.
All of this made him seem like he no longer wanted to attend.
I’ve already RSVP’d us to the wedding and the bride and groom have already paid their headcount and made table seating. In addition, I paid for a hotel close to the venue to make things easier for the event.
Then the next week, he tells me his work is forcing him to do work on the day of the wedding and he can maybe show up like 3hrs after the wedding has taken place.
His job requires him to work weekends occasionally but the people in his office volunteer for these events and he, in the past, has been able to get someone to cover for him in the case that he has plans.
Then he will take their shift the next time. It feels like he didn’t even try to get someone to cover for him and wanted to work this weekend instead of being with me.
I’m so annoyed by all of this and am planning on telling him to not even bother showing up at all.
I’ll purchase the bride and groom another wedding gift to make up for his lack of attendance. I feel embarrassed and upset.
I’d honestly have offered to pay for his rental suit too but I’ve already put a lot of money into this relationship and didn’t feel like I needed to offer to do this as well.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Work is work, it takes precedence over going to weddings, especially weddings hours away where you’d be the only person he’d be comfortable around and you know you would be constantly getting pulled in a dozen different directions, leaving him alone and uncomfortable.
Your friend isn’t going to notice or care that he’s not there, because she’s going to be having the time of her life on her most special day with her new husband, doing 1,001 things that do not revolve around wondering where your partner is.
Let your partner off the hook, go have a blast with your friends, and let everyone come out of this a winner. If you don’t make a big stink out of this, and your partner has any brains at all, your kindness will be repaid twofold.” Bionic_Ninjas
Another User Comments:
“Even if he didn’t want to go because of the commute or problems with the groom, he still agreed to go so it is disrespectful to back out last minute.
If it’s genuinely for work you should give him a little slack.
Attending weddings is expensive, he already mentioned the commute, the suit rental, and the presumable unpaid time off work. It’s your best friend so it’s understandable that you want things to go perfectly, but he’s still offering to make the commute and show up.
NTJ but you need better communication.” justablip89
Another User Comments:
“I think you should have seen this coming. Don’t force people you care about into uncomfortable situations. You’ll probably have a lot more fun at the wedding if your partner isn’t there, and is it even fair to the wedding couple to drag someone to their big day who doesn’t like or get along with them?
Soft YTJ – I think you should take a large step back from insisting on this.” Total-Being-4278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, people who agree to do something and then act so foot draggy and miserable that you tell them just not to bother are the worst. That seems to be what your partner wanted, and then he cooked up the work excuse, which then gets him what he wants–an excuse not to go with you.
A lot of dudes don’t get why their partners want them to be plus ones–she’s showing you off! She wants her friends to like you! She wants to dance and drink champagne and have a good time at the hotel! What this dude sees is just an inconvenience, not any of the social functions, or that it is important to you.
Do you have a female friend who is fun to go places with? Take her as your plus one, and think hard about sticking with Drag McNoFun.” Sea-Mud5386
8. AITJ For Not Wanting My Partner To Keep The Stray Dog?
“I (21F) and my partner (23M) have been arguing recently due to a stray dog. My partner was driving around when he noticed a dog running around a construction zone.
He pulled over to see if it had a tag on its collar, it did not, so he put him into his truck to figure out what to do next. He called me to let me know the situation, and that he would be bringing this dog home to give him some food, water, and a bath.
He told me he did walk around with the dog at first to see if anyone was missing a dog or recognized this pup. He also told me this dog was really friendly and seemed fairly young. I immediately posted all over social media to find this dog’s owner and called local shelters to see if anyone reported this dog missing.
It has been a few days now with no signs of the owner. My partner is set on keeping this young dog, but I think we should rehome him or bring him to a shelter if his owners do not claim him within the next few days.
I think we should rehome him because we already have another dog, who is old and dog aggressive. He is one animal in the home type of dog, and we have always been okay with this fact.
As guessed, our dog doesn’t like this puppy and wants nothing to do with him.
Secondly, this puppy is still intact (not neutered), has two extra toes on his back two paws which will potentially need to be surgically removed (it is believed to be a birth defect), and also will need all shots and heartworm testing. He is already quite large (about the size of a lab) and isn’t done growing.
We are moving into a different home this July, and the landlords are requiring all animals to be on the lease ($500 pet deposit per animal I’ll add) and will already be paying about $3k the month of July to make this move happen.
This dog’s neutering and shots at the local vet clinic will be easily over $500+. My partner and I are honest about our savings and pay, and I know my partner is already struggling to get the money together for this move. I will also add he owes me over $1000 and his dad close to $8000.
His keeping this dog will delay his capability to pay us back, which he has been pushing off for close to a year.
Our roommate also says he wishes my partner would change his mind about keeping this dog. I don’t want any more responsibility, especially the financial responsibility of another animal, and although he says he will pay for everything, I don’t think it’s a wise choice.
Our other dog already has health issues so we spend enough at the vet as is. He says we should keep the dog because ‘some of the best dogs come from off the street.’ Which I agree with, but I don’t think it’s good timing.
He claims it’s destiny that he found this dog and is already very attached and buying him things after just a few days. He also has done nothing to find the owners except when he first picked up the dog, not even seeing if he is microchipped. Do I have the right to tell him no?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner doesn’t sound like he respects your boundaries. He doesn’t care that you don’t want a second dog, and he’s abusing your intimate relationship to avoid paying you what he owes. In another comment, you said you’d been together for six years.
Do you want to be with someone who makes selfish/impulsive decisions and can’t/won’t pay back debts for another six years? If you break up with him, don’t expect to be paid back ever, but it sounds like you’re not getting your money back even if you stay with him.” Arizandi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you have really great and practical reasons for not being able to take care of this dog long-term. I sympathize with your partner because it’s really easy to get attached to animals, but your reasons are totally valid and it seems like taking this on right now is not something you’re capable of doing.
I applaud you for being honest with yourself!” Kitotterkat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I was going to go with ‘no jerks here’ until I read the last sentence – the most obvious thing to do is to take the dog to any vet who, for free, will check to see if it is microchipped. I don’t think he really wants to find the owners which makes him a jerk in my opinion.
As for the rest, yes absolutely your partner needs your consent if the dog is going to join your family. As lovely as it is to rescue a dog you have listed plenty of very valid reasons why you are not in a position to do this.” zwergschnauzer
7. AITJ For Taunting My Older Sister Over Basketball?
“My (16m) sister (17f) plays for our high school girls’ varsity basketball team and is a very important part of it, so she does think of her basketball skills highly. I like basketball and occasionally practice but I don’t actually play it.
My sister and I usually walk home from our high school together because our parents work fairly far away from where we live and go to school at.
Before we left for school though, some of my sister’s varsity teammates asked her if she wanted to practice for a few minutes, and she said sure, so we went to the high school b-ball court. My sister actually challenged me, and I accepted because I didn’t think I would beat her anyways.
My sister and I are the same height, but I do know that I’m a lot stronger than her (it’s a reason why we haven’t play-wrestled in like 4 years lol). All I did was drive to the basket since she couldn’t do anything to stop me, and I blocked a lot of her shots, and I easily won.
Her friends were shocked and so was she. I found it funny that I hadn’t played in a while and she’s a top three member of the varsity team at school, and I managed to easily beat her, so obviously I talked some trash.
When my sister and I were walking back home, I noticed her covering her face, and I asked her if something happened and I lifted her hand up and I saw tears rolling down her cheeks. She ran back home, and I haven’t seen her since because she’s only accepting food to her room from our parents like a spoiled brat.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Definitely the jerk. Yeah sure cheer for yourself a bit; you beat the varsity player! But it sounds like you really went at her. I also suspect there is a lot more background to your resentment of your sister. Also, you are both still developing emotionally as humans and everything is super intense right now.
Basketball is likely a huge part of her identity at the moment, and bashing her like that would be devastating. Do you really feel good about doing that?” Vanesti
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If she can’t handle some trash talk from her own family, how can she deal with competition from other schools?
You win some & you lose some… it’s not a bad thing when you lose (especially went it’s just a lil scrimmage like the one you had), it’s just a sign to work harder. In her case, sounds like she needs to work on defense lol.
No disrespect to those saying YTJ, but I’m assuming that none of them have played a sport before, especially one like basketball where trash talk is commonplace. It’s all in good fun, not malicious at all.” wrexmason
Another User Comments:
“YTJ–And you suck as a brother.
Why did you need to talk trash? You WANTED to embarrass her and then are upset with her when she didn’t just accept your behavior and was impacted by it. You called her a spoiled brat because she is basically avoiding you because of YOUR actions.
She isn’t spoiled, just stuck with a jerk brother. I have to wonder how often you decide to mock her.” ksukitty
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Your sister thought she was going to humiliate you and wound up with a taste of her own medicine.
But, seriously, it’s highly unlikely that a 17-year-old girl is going to beat a 16-year-old boy in a game of one-on-one — testosterone is a heavy hormone. You knew you were going to beat her and you did (and you should have because your sister had it coming).
But once you beat her you could have shown a little class and grace.
FOR CLARIFICATION: No, I do not think I, as a male, am a better athlete than Serena Williams or Brittney Griner, or any other female professional athlete. The point is this—an average adolescent male in decent physical shape is going to be faster and stronger than an average adolescent female.” He_Who_Is_Right_
6. AITJ For Not Finding My Workmate's Joke Funny?
“I work in a call center environment. I am 36F.
We have a work teams chat for our collective group of employees who serve a particular type of client. It’s normally used to help each other, discuss issues and call for help without running around 3 floors and 5 rooms looking for it.
My laptop ran updates today and afterward, I couldn’t copy or paste. This is quite a big problem as some of the serial numbers I deal with are quite long and it can be difficult to undo mistakes later. Mistakes cost the company money, naturally.
Copy-pasting helps eliminate those errors.
I asked in the teams chat if anyone else had the issue. A male colleague (I don’t know him personally but he uses a male name) asked if I tried right-clicking as opposed to ctrl+c ctrl+v. I told him I had, and it made no difference.
Said colleague then posted an image, an infographic showing how to left and right click on a mouse. Some others seemed to find this funny, leaving reactions accordingly.
My instant reaction was anger, then shock, then sadness. I’ve been treated very well in this workplace up until now and I’d never seen anything like this.
I felt belittled and patronized. I have an obviously female name and this seemed to play into the stereotype of women being bad with computers.
I typed a reply that I wasn’t amused and asked him to stop. He replied, ‘it’s a joke, calm down.’ I told him ‘it’s only a joke when the victim is laughing.’
A member of HR was seated not far from me. She’d seen the lack of assistance I’d been getting in the chat. She encouraged me to seek assistance with my tech issues and asked if I was alright. I told her honestly that I was shocked and upset.
She asked if I wanted to take it further. I told her I was fine with asking him not to do it again. It was a small thing and not worthy of a fuss.
My partner feels my male colleague behaved unprofessionally and I was right to ask for him to be spoken to.
My mother has reserved judgment. People in the chat seemed to be amused so I’m wondering if I just can’t take a joke and I’m overreacting over nothing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not laughing.
But this is getting so old. Women never want to take it further so as to not make a fuss.
It’s sickening that we even have to flag something as inappropriate. If everyone saw/heard someone being inappropriate, management and HR should be dealing with that straight away.” OK_LK
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You reacted appropriately to a mansplainer and he tried to turn it into a joke.
A lot of women in the computer industry go by only their last name and have been amazingly productive in the workforce since men don’t know they are working with a woman, just another person (you know fellow men).
Taking it to HR would not help your status though… I honestly don’t know what to do here, but you got this far in this position.
Know your worth in this job! You got this girl, most of the men will figure out you can do it. The awful people will always show themselves out in the end.” guessmyageidareyou
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re right on both counts – it was a jerk behavior from him, and it’s also a small thing that doesn’t deserve a fuss.
HR witnessed it and will tell him to stop being a jerk to his colleagues. The end.
That’s exactly what should happen, so you haven’t done anything wrong.” Left-Car6520
There is zero excuse for you or anyone to be the punchline to their juvenile joke. If they continue keep logs of each instance because it amounts to work force harrassment.
5. AITJ For Being Angry At My Mom For Ruining My Drawing?
“Being an intermediate artist, my most common daily practice is drawing. I made a drawing that was stunning for me and I’ve fallen in love with it, I had drawn my two favorite characters in anime (not gonna mention their names), holding hands and making a cute pose.
I thought myself to keep it the way it was but still had to finish the background, it was two characters flowing on the white void, but before I started, I went to sleep. When I woke up, my mother noticed the drawing, she thought it was really beautiful and loved the two characters as well, even without watching anime, still liked them.
She asked if she could bring the drawing to her job, there are two friends that watch anime and probably will like as much as we do. I said yes but to bring it back, after that I waited until she got back from her job.
Five hours later, she got back, when I asked what they thought about the drawing, she said they loved it and recognized the characters in an instant, but when I asked where’s the drawing she said that she kept it on her desk bc she liked too much.
Then I asked if she bent the paper since the paper that I use is not only expensive but can also be very bad for the drawing. She said she didn’t but cut out all the white space I didn’t touch to make space inside her desk thinking I wouldn’t mind, she was right, I wouldn’t mind IF I had actually given the drawing to her and not just let her borrow it.
The moment I heard those certain words and understood them correctly, I was shocked and at first, I didn’t think too much about it, but 5 minutes passed and I didn’t want to touch a pencil anymore. The space she cut out was too small to make anything.
When I said she ruined the drawing and I can’t even finish it anymore, she got heartbroken, she thought I wouldn’t mind, since my friends did even worse things to my drawings, like accidentally dropping coffee on them. And she thought I said she can keep it on her desk, I said I wouldn’t mind if I had actually given it to her, and we kept discussing it for 10 minutes, even making my mom come to the brink of crying until my brother interrupted and defended my mom.
They kept saying I was being too harsh on her and I was just a drama queen.
I said to them ‘If you spent hours on making something, starting to like the results only to have someone come and ruin it without return, how would you feel?’
They responded, ‘Not like you’re reacting.’
After that, I said in rage ‘Exactly! Bc, you never lost something important to you!’ And I left. I haven’t talked to my mom or my brother since and now I’m always in my bedroom, not even exchanging words and avoiding eye contact.
I probably hurt her feelings and made her feel bad, now I can’t even tell if I did the right thing. So tell me, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“When words and actions are confusing try to understand intentions. Why did the person do what they did?
Your mom cut out white parts to make it fit. Because she misunderstood that it was finished. She wanted to keep it to be proud of you. Her intentions were good, not malicious.
I completely understand your reaction to your work. As a creative person, you have a very high attachment to your work, your creations.
It really hurt to see your work ruined. Especially since you had future plans with it.
At this point, I’d recommend apologizing to your mom. Having her promise that she will always ask you first if she wants to do anything with your work.
And think of that unfinished work as a trial run. And go make a better one!
As bad as it might sound, your works are replaceable – you can make more of them. But you only have one mom.
No jerks here.” vitamin1z
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I think you could have handled it better.
Your mom damaged something you made. I get that you said it was a loan, not a gift. But did you tell her that it was incomplete and you were still working on it?
Or to be careful of the edges?
Your mom seems to appreciate your talent and enjoy it. Yes, she made a mistake. Yes, she should have asked. Yes, it is understandable that you’re upset. But you can try to make her as miserable as possible, which won’t bring back your drawings.
And probably will make it so that she’ll never want to touch your drawings again. Or you could try telling your mom that you are upset, but you still love her and you’ll provide better care and feeding instructions for art in the future.
We learn by making mistakes. This is not exactly a trivial mistake, but there are far worse things in life than a mother that obviously loves you, works to support you, appreciates your talent, and probably shows it off to others. A bit of compassion is not the worst idea.
I mostly do woodworking, blacksmithing, etc. My mom has never really cared about my hobbies very much. I decided to learn how to work with leather for practical reasons (sheaths, cases, etc) but as a challenge, I made a very nice purse for my mother for Easter.
From rather nice leather from Italy. She liked it a lot. I could be bitter that she wasn’t openly interested in my other hobbies, or I could be glad she liked this one. Either is a valid choice, but personally, I find it more fulfilling to just be happy she liked it.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I totally get why you’re upset, but it also sounds like a genuine misunderstanding on the part of your mum. She’s upset she hurt you and from what you’ve written she didn’t do it deliberately and had thought you said she could keep it at her work.
It sucks it happened, but go easy on her.” thegreatiaino
4. AITJ For Talking Back To My Brother's Partner?
“My brother’s 23, I’m 20. He and I live together. At this very moment, I’m living there rent-free, but, I’m going to start paying rent in a couple of months. What we’ve agreed upon is that come May, I’m going to start paying a share of the rent, right now I’m saving as much from my paychecks as I can so I can have like a nest egg going.
I’m thankful he invited me to live with him, he knew that if left on my own, I would’ve probably had to live in a run-down place in an unsafe part of town, so, he invited me.
My brother’s the neat one, he’s Mr. Tidy, dust everything, wipe it down.
I’ve just never seen the importance. Are there clothes on the floor? Yes, but I’ll eventually get them in the laundry. I don’t think the bed needs to be made, it’s for sleeping in, not decoration.
What I don’t like is his girl, who he’s been with for 5 years, who likes to come into my room and start judging how I keep it.
Things got to a boiling point a few nights ago.
She came over to see him and after a snide remark about ‘Let’s see how bad the hurricane hit’, wandered into my room. It was the same as it always is, but she wanted to act like it was beyond filthy.
She told me to ‘straighten up’ and ‘grow up.’ After about 5 minutes of this scolding, I told her that she needs to learn to stop judging people and shut up about things that don’t affect her.
She got immediately upset, cracked voice, teary-eyed, and went to tell my brother what’d happened. He took her side and she left, claiming she was too upset to stay.
My brother’s demanding that I apologize to her in person. My point to him is, she’s not my mom, what difference does my room make to her? Normally, when things are just chill, she & I have this cool older sister, younger brother type dynamic.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Could you have worded it nicer? Sure. But the fact that a grown woman is bursting into tears and running out of her home, claiming she’s ‘too upset to stay here’ because someone she was insulting over their own space told her to stop being judgmental and stay in her own lane is indicative of her own immaturity.
He wants you to apologize? Okay. Just say ‘I’m sorry I used harsh language to communicate my point. I’m also sorry that you thought it was appropriate for you to continuously talk down to me about my own room so many times that it put me in a position where I had to shut it down so that you would learn a lesson about personal boundaries.
Moving forward, I’ll be careful to not get so snippy in those moments and you can mind your own business and focus on the cleanliness of your room. Cool.'” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It’s odd of her to go into your room at all (uninvited, I assume?), and to judge it like that.
You’re right, she’s not your mom and has no say in how tidy your room is. As long as it’s not a biohazard, you can keep it how you want.
I’d say invest in a lock for your room for when she comes over.
I don’t think you need to apologize because she invited your response with her unnecessary scolding. I suppose it might be mature to say something like, ‘I apologize for snapping at you. Though I worded it poorly, I meant what I said. I would appreciate it if you stay out of my room and don’t judge me for something that doesn’t affect you.
It really isn’t your business.’ And leave it at that.” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your brother let you move in. If he’s ok with how your room is then it’s fine, she has no right to tell you what to do.
Also a huge violation of privacy, rent-free for a time yes is a big favor, but gives no one the right to violate privacy.
What you said was correct but just telling her to shut up sounds bad, although in an argument where someone isn’t wanting to listen to you then it makes 100% sense of how you went about it, ‘shut up’ is mean but invading privacy is so much more messed up.” Final-Mail-6959
3. AITJ For Still Talking To My Mom's Ex?
“Well, it all started with my mother’s work. She met a guy at work, so everything was fine, it was just a friendship.
Their work for some reason prohibited people from going out with people from work. After a while, he started going out with (nobody knew, just their ‘best friend’) my mother who introduced me to him (shortly after, he started living with us). At first, it was very difficult to accept, even because my parents’ divorce was recent, and I stayed with my mother and my father moved to another city.
My mother’s partner and I started to get along and everything was fine.
I was still at school and my vacation had just started and I was going to spend time at my dad’s house (this was before 2020). I was only supposed to stay four months with my parents, but then the global crisis started and everything was closed and I couldn’t buy another ticket.
Meanwhile, with my mom, she found out that her partner had an affair with her ‘best friend’. The two didn’t talk for a while, but then they started seeing each other again.
What was happening around the world was taking a heavy toll on my mother, and she was desperate.
Her ex was helping with the household expenses (he was still at the same job). He started acting really weird with my mom, but she didn’t think it was anything. Until one day my mother found a message on his cell phone and it wasn’t her number.
The contact’s name was ‘my love’. They fought again and because of that my mother went into depression and I didn’t know anything.
Fortunately, she managed to get some treatments, but to this day she still has some relationship problems. He and my mom started talking again and he said he was having some problems with his dad and asked my mom if she could help by letting him live with her again, and that he missed me.
My mother accepted but this time, it was just friendship. After a while, I went back to live with my mom again. Nowadays we live in Portugal and my mother has a new man (he and I don’t interact much), and I still talk to my mother’s ex (from time to time we both see each other because he lives in Brazil, and I still like him a lot).
My mom doesn’t talk to him anymore (unless it’s about money because he hasn’t finished paying my mom).”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ! He hurt your mom repeatedly. She would likely be really hurt if she learned you were still in contact with him.” Miserable_Worry_1046
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He wasn’t good for your mom as a partner, clearly, but she took him in as a friend when he needed it, so I’m not sure she would be angry if she knew. But I think you should tell her.
Keeping it a secret is a bad idea. It suggests you did something wrong.
I am still in contact with my ex-step-father and ex-step-mother and my parents are well aware of that. My relationship with them has nothing to do with their relationships with my parents.” charlotte_rami
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Their relationship is not your problem. I never got the whole ‘We broke up and even though you got along, you’re not allowed to talk to them’ deal when it came to people’s kids (I get it if the kids were hurt in the process but it doesn’t seem like the case here).
So here’s the question: Is your mom upset that you still talk to him? If not, what’s the problem? If she does have a problem with it, why? He was good to you and the issue is between him and her.
A similar thing happened to me and I still wonder why my mom barred me from having a friendship with her ex.
He treated me well and we liked similar things. I’m still a tad bitter over it over 20 years later.” TheOneAndOnlyFen
2. AITJ For Not Forgiving My Mother?
“Five years ago when I was 16, I went through a phase where I generally did everything in my power to go against my parent’s Mormon rules and values… My parents believed that my then-partner ‘B’ was the reason I was acting out. Eventually, my parents told me that I either had to break up with B or that I would be kicked out.
I said we broke up but still continued to see him, and they found out I lied when they learned I was pregnant. I was kicked out and was told to only contact my parents if I needed something.
Present day, B and I straightened up and we’ve been married for three years.
We have stable jobs and I made it to college, with the support of B’s family. Most importantly our son is happy and healthy. I hadn’t heard from my family since I was kicked out and I never reached out to them either.
However, my mother contacted me for the first time a few weeks ago, telling me that she left my dad and wanted to see me again, to talk.
I accepted the offer and met with her a few days ago.
When we met she explained her side of the story and said that she wants to be in my life again. That my father manipulated and mistreated her; she didn’t want me kicked out, but my father convinced her that I was only going to get worse and rub off on my siblings and that if it got that bad that he would leave her and make sure she would never see them.
She blamed everything on my dad, even the fact that she herself never reached out to me.
I told her everything I went through as a teen mom, how I dropped out of school and that I had nobody outside of B and my in-laws to look to, and that I’m lucky that they cared as much as they did.
I told her how my son spent 2 months in the NICU and how I had a hemorrhage that I could have died from… that no matter how difficult I was at the time I didn’t deserve to be shut out from my whole family during that time.
She cried and told me that it was my dad’s fault, that she didn’t have a choice.
As I was leaving she asked if I hated her and if I’ll ever forgive her; I told her that I hate her and that I don’t want her around my family, especially my son.
I said while I’m sorry for what my dad put her through, she can’t expect me to instantly forgive her for how cruel she and my father were, that apologizing doesn’t earn her a place in my life and family.
She was very emotional by this point and begged for me to at least try, telling me how she tried her best and that she loved and missed me the whole time we weren’t in contact.
I told her that I don’t know if I can, and left it on that note.
Looking back, I feel awful about what I said at the end of the night to her, especially saying that I hate her. I had not seen her in so long and it was easy to say those things to her because I have quite a bit of resentment built up.
My dad was awful and there probably wasn’t anything that she could do at the time except what he said.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Abusive relationships are incredibly complex and I think we all have sympathy and empathy for people who find themselves in them, as well as compassion for them once they finally manage to break out of them.
However: where your mother is out of line in this situation is by trying to shift the entire blame for everything that happened to someone else. Yes, an abusive partner can make you feel scared and suffocated and any number of things; no one’s arguing that that isn’t the case.
But, at the end of the day, your mother made her own decision. When faced with the choice of ‘stand up to my abusive husband’ or ‘abandon my pregnant child at a time where she’ll need me the most,’ she chose to side with her husband.
Nobody made that choice but her and now she has to live with it. When she’s ready to take responsibility for her choice and not pawn the blame off her ex, then she can come back around and have another conversation. But until then, she’ll need to lay in the bed she made for herself.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s awful that your mom was in an abusive relationship and I hope that she’s never in that situation again but you should never ask someone if they hate you if you aren’t prepared for an honest answer.
It’s possible that you might be more open to having more contact with her after you’ve had time to mull this encounter over, but even if she was being manipulated by your father, she ultimately still stood by his decision to exile their vulnerable teenage daughter from the family and it’s valid that you’re still extremely hurt by that.
The fact of the matter is that no one is ENTITLED to forgiveness, regardless of how sorry they are.” chablismouth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, just because what your parents put you through is indeed horrific, and inexcusable.
That said, if you really do believe that your mother was abused by your father and that she really had no choice but to go along, there’s a chance y’all can heal and be a family again, and if that happens it can only be good for all of you, your son included.
You got a second chance at life thanks to B’s family (which was awesome of them); maybe your mom deserves one, too? Not just immediately forgetting and forgiving, but at least giving her a chance to make amends.
Parents aren’t perfect, something you’ll learn as you go now that you’re a mom.
Sometimes we screw up royally, too, because we’re only human. If she really was a victim of your father’s mistreatment, I think she deserves one more chance.” Bionic_Ninjas
One thing I would never have done was turn my back on my child.
She made her decision. Then she continued to make it for YEARS.
Meanwhile her daughter worked hard and stuck by her child and made something of her life.
Nope.
The very fact that she's blaming her ex means she's still not taking responsibility.
Had she said "You're right, it was awful of me to place my beliefs above your wellbeing. I was wrong, and I'd like to make it up to you" instead of 'blah blah husband, faith, upbringing boohoo poor me' I'd say give her a chance but start small like texting once a week then progressing to phone calls, then whatever.
But nope.
NTJ
1. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Mom Hold My Newborn?
“My wife and I just had a baby at the beginning of this month (April 2022 in case this gets seen way later) and my family just met her this past weekend.
We were at a restaurant and the baby was sleeping in her carrier the whole time so we made the decision to keep her in and not wake her up. After we left my mom messaged and said thanks for the visit and asked if she could hold the baby the next time we met.
But I don’t think I want to let her.
The thing is, my mom has multiple sclerosis and possibly had a stroke (unconfirmed) and can hardly hold her phone, let alone my baby. My wife and I also have a 2.5-year-old and when she was a baby my mom asked the same thing and I would kind of let her hold the baby, I would just stand there and basically hold my kid near my mom while my mom put her arms close to my baby.
I would do that again except my mom used to get mad and complain about me standing there. She asked with our new baby if I would not do that. And I’m not comfortable with that.
My mom said that we could lay the baby on my mom’s chest but that doesn’t fly with us either because if she started to slide to one side or something my mom wouldn’t be able to catch her.
To me honestly, I’d rather she just not try anything. I know it’s tough to handle as a grandparent but I honestly think she just needs to think about the situation and realize it isn’t safe.
I understand that I may come off as harsh as well and I also understand that I could be the butt hole here, but I just want to keep my baby safe.
Edit: I’ve talked to her about laying the baby on her while she is reclined which I would be okay with. HOWEVER, she says she refused to do that if anyone ‘hovers’ around or if anyone tries to put any pillows or anything around her because she says we need to trust what she can do.
My worry about that is because we all think she had a stroke because she can’t use one arm but she refused to get it checked out. She cannot hold a plate to eat, and can only hold a fork for a little less than five minutes.
She also cannot stand up or walk and must be picked up and moved to her wheelchair, recliner, bed, bathroom, etc.
She refuses any compromise that has any of us be nearby or has any kind of safeguards like a pillow or a sling in place.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
You want to keep your baby safe and your mum wants to hold her grandchild. These in themselves are both good things. If you change your position from ‘I don’t want my mum to hold my baby’ to ‘I want my baby to be safe while mum holds her’ you might find some options that work.
One worth considering is getting your mum comfy on the couch, with her arms propped on a pillow in a baby-holding position in front of her. That way her arms and body are supported in stable positions while she holds the little one.
When your baby’s neck muscles have strengthened a bit, the little one might be able to sit and recline back on your mum’s lap while your mum sits on the couch having awesome baby cuddles.
Note: this is obviously not qualified advice. It’s based on what we have done and seen in hospitals (NICU) and I am VERY happy to be corrected by nurses, midwives, doctors, etc.” magnus_the_fish
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom’s unwillingness to compromise stems from her unwillingness to accept that she is no longer as capable of doing things as she once was.
Think why she won’t go to a doctor over it. As a parent to an infant, you have every right to make any call you deem necessary to keep your child physically safe, even if it means providing mobility aids, pillows, or hovering to ensure safety regardless of who is holding the child.
‘Mom, I am happy that you want to hold your grandbaby, but your current lack of mobility and strength worries me that something bad might happen if I am not watching. I am ultimately responsible if my child gets injured. I did not hover with (previous child’s name) because I don’t trust you, I hovered because I have fears of my child getting hurt if you lose the ability to support them or if they slip and can’t be caught in time for any reason at all.
I am scared that if I am in a different room and you call out because the baby is starting to slip or fall that I won’t be able to get there in time to prevent it.
My fears stem from me being labeled an unfit parent if my child gets hurt.
I am not trying to punish you for the current physical issues you have, I am trying to make it so everyone is safe. I am worried about the physical issues that might happen if my child falls while you’re holding them, and I’m worried about how my child falling while you are holding them might affect you mentally.
I don’t want you to feel responsible if something bad does end up happening, so please let me figure out a way to help you hold your grandbaby, my infant child without any possible negative outcomes because I don’t like making you feel like you aren’t allowed to hold them at all.’
Just paint it as ‘I don’t want you to feel like you’re at fault in the possible event something does happen’ instead of ‘I don’t trust your ability’. Like really try to sell this because I’m pretty sure your mom just thinks that you don’t trust her and her abilities, more than you’re scared about possible injuries or your mom being upset if she does end up dropping the baby somehow.” UnBreelevable
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here yet. You have some genuine concerns.
But you should give your mum the opportunity to hold your newborn. Just set it up in a safe way, the same way you do with young children or elderly people who want to hold a newborn.
Sit her on a couch. Put pillows and cushions on her lap and under her arms to support the weight of the baby. And then stay close by and ready in case you need to assist at all. But you don’t need to hover, just sit on the seat next to them or across from them.
It is ok to let them know that these terms and conditions for holding your newborn are non-negotiable. Don’t let it develop into an argument. If they ask to hold the baby, say ‘yes!’ And then ‘tell’ them where to sit and load them up with pillows.
Don’t ask politely or anything like that – because then they think it’s negotiable. Just tell them directly what to do. If they mention you being bossy, just be firm and keep it at ‘we are more than happy to let you hold the baby, but it needs to be done ‘this way’.
If they refuse ‘I’m sorry, I know I am a new parent and am probably too anxious, but the only way I can let you hold the baby is ‘this’ way’. Do not engage past those points. Because this is your boundary, and as a parent, your boundaries are the only ones that matter.
I have 6 kids and had to deal with this issue with my MIL for all 6 of them. She has physical issues that make her holding babies unsupported and unsafe, but her daughter would let her hold their babies and let her walk around with them, etc, so she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t.
I refused to let her turn it into a big drama, and she tried, even roping in others, but just held my boundaries and kept repeating those phrases above. I made sure that it was about ‘my’ anxieties, so it didn’t matter if she was right and perfectly capable, I needed to do what would make ‘me’ less anxious.
By the way, I love my MIL and consider her a second mother, but there were definitely some boundary issues that needed establishing, especially when kids entered the picture. This was just one of those boundaries. I had to set different boundaries with my own mum too.
There is a power shift when grandkids enter the scene, and it can take a while for that older generation to realize they need to step back a bit and that the next generation is in charge of those kids, not them.” StrongBlueberry5432
Another User Comments:
“YTJ if you aren’t willing to consider any compromises. People get very creative for relatives with disabilities to hold babies, not just have babies held near them. Mom could wear a carrier with the baby, for example, and be totally hands-free. Your mom has already offered a compromise, and even if that particular one isn’t one you like, you should be willing to meet her halfway as well.” Classic_Special7045
