People Explain How Their “Am I The Jerk?” Moments Got The Best Of Them
21. AITJ For Not Lending My Hoodie To A Girl Who Was Cold?
“At my school, we are allowed to go to the mall during lunchtime. So I (16M) and my friends were walking to the mall. We were all wearing hoodies except for one girl (16F) who was just in a shirt.
The girl decides to ask me to wear my hoodie since she is freezing. Now I don’t want to lend it to her because 1. It’s my favorite hoodie, and people at my school say that when you give a girl your hoodie, it’s as good as gone.
And 2. I’m only wearing a tank top underneath.
So I tell her no, and she just shrugged and said “whatever”. When we were going to leave she asked again, to which I said no again. This time she gets mad. She tells me to stop being selfish all the time and that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
I reply saying I’m only wearing a tank top underneath and that I don’t want to freeze to death.
She hasn’t talked to me since and all of our friends are saying that I’m a selfish jerk and that I should’ve given her my hoodie.
I told them my reasoning and they blew up at me even more.
No matter how much I try to defend myself they keep blowing up at me. Even my parents are saying that I should’ve let this girl wear my hoodie since she probably has a crush on me and that I just ruined it.
I do kinda see where my parents are getting at with this crush thing but I just didn’t want to give up my hoodie. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your friends are so mad about you not giving your hoodie to a girl, they should be generous and offer their hoodies to her then aye?
(assuming that the same friends that were there with you blew up on you) I’m telling this as a girl. Regardless of your gender, you don’t have to give anything to anybody if you need it yourself (unless you have the heart of god or something).” Opionated_Winwin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What the heck? She might have a crush on you so therefore you are somehow obligated to give her your things, things which you are actively wearing, just because she asked? That’s messed up. You were wearing your hoodie because it is yours and you were cold.
You are under no obligation to ever give anything of yours to someone else just because they asked. If she was cold, she should have worn heavier clothing or brought a jacket. That is entirely a problem of her own making. Also, if this was her idea of flirting, then she is terrible at it.
Finally, for all those others who say you should have given it to her, I would reply that there was nothing stopping them from loaning their hoodies to her if they were so concerned. What is it with this ridiculous sense of entitlement that some people seem to have?!” Better2021Everyone
Another User Comments:
“So, yes, she likely had a crush on you. Yes, you blew it. No, she might not have stolen your hoodie. However, none of that makes you a jerk. It is both your property and your body. She was asking you to suffer for her inability to plan ahead.
If she did have a crush on you, that may have been intentional as some sort of childish “chivalry” test. Her inability to take a “no” from you or to ask anyone else really suggests that she was testing you. That test likely failed when she had to ask the first time since you were supposed to just know that she was cold and offer your hoodie on your own.
And yes, that’s you specifically, not anyone else. She likely would have politely turned anyone else down. NTJ, though you likely missed an opportunity to get a partner. Though I am not sure you really missed out on much with that one. Those sorts of contrived helplessness scenarios do not speak well of her character.” LeoSolaris
20. AITJ For Sending Back My Dish Because It Had Cilantro In It?
“I (28F) went out with my partner (29M) to eat at our favorite Chinese noodle place.
I ordered my dish without cilantro – but it showed up with cilantro. Yes. I am one of those who hates cilantro. It wasn’t like 2 big branches of cilantro I could just pluck out. They cut it up into literally a hundred or more (not exaggerating) pieces.
I saw that and I wanted to return my noodles or have them remake it. My partner said it was rude. I thought… if I ordered something, and they make it wrong, it’s up to the restaurant to remake it. Right? Or am I crazy?
I sent it back anyway. My partner said he was so embarrassed. FYI, I didn’t say anything impolite: “hi, excuse me, my noodles have cilantro in it, I had ordered it without cilantro, do you mind fixing this?””
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for sure.
You ordered it the way you wanted it, they said they could do it that way. You were polite when you requested the fix. No problem there. And ESPECIALLY with cilantro! Does your partner understand that many people don’t simply dislike it, that to us, it literally tastes like soap?” DoodleLover20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. There are for sure lots of people out in the world, either based on culture/beliefs or being total snobs about it, who find it rude and even childish to: Pick out an ingredient you don’t like from a dish, ordering food with a modification when you don’t have an insensitivity (sometimes when you do), sending food back because the order was incorrect (I have family like this.
their logic being the chefs/servers could spit in your food even if you ask nicely). See if your partner is one of those people, and see if that’s just something he’s prepared to deal with. Also worth mentioning that the dislike for cilantro is caused by a special gene that not everyone inherits.” NicoNicoMarcyMo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I worked in the restaurant industry for far too long, I served and also worked the cold/hot line. That wouldn’t bother me at all, it’s not rude especially when you told them beforehand and asked nicely. The cook, expo, and server all had a chance to see the ticket and catch the mistake before giving it to you.” Zynian1
19. AITJ For Wanting To Evict My Brother From The House I Bought For Him?
“A few years ago my brother was facing homelessness and my husband and I purchased a second home to let him rent it at below market value.
He pays 2/3 of the housing costs and we pay 1/3 (considering that we are building equity and he has a low-paying job).
Both he and his partner live there. She doesn’t work, and I’ve discovered they are both hoarders. The partner smokes in the house and never cleans.
Whenever I say I’m coming over, they make excuses. They are really really messy.
He pays his ‘rent’ and utilities late and currently owes me 4K for covering his expenses. My brother is older than me and I’m faced with the reality that I may have to take care of him financially as he gets older.
I’ve decided that I cannot do that and asked him to move out next year.
I know he will not be able to afford the rising rents and will likely be homeless or live for a slumlord. My parents say they will pay his portion of the bills, but when I tell them I’m worried about what will happen if they die and I’m left taking care of an old man who never learned responsibility, they all say I’m heartless, and that I cannot make demands on him as he is ‘paying rent’.
Our parents live in a different country, so he cannot move in with them.
At this point, I’d rather sell the home or rent to strangers at the market rate. This will mean kicking my brother and his partner out knowing they will have no suitable place to live.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“As a sister of a mentally ill homeless older brother NTJ. You run the risk of this house being condemned as it is. Tell your parents he needs to find a new place or they need to pay for him to come back to their country.
Which by the time they pay you they would have paid his travel fare anyway.” splishyness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people don’t learn until they genuinely have hit rock bottom. Currently, you have two people taking advantage of you, some tough love is definitely needed here.
Plenty of people have low-paying jobs and still manage to make rent or be responsible. Your parents are being unnecessarily hard on you and are further enabling him to continue to be irresponsible in the long term. You should be collecting the market value for the second home as it was an investment, and what good is an investment if you aren’t making anything more than equity on it?” Platypus_Dream
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are giving him plenty of time to get his stuff together. If you don’t do it now you will be on the hook forever. You could have your parents buy your house from you so they could allow your brother to live there and pay them rent.” squirelwsu
Parents will not fly him and partner to them to them fir 1 reason only... YOU won't be around to financially support him when they do die and tney know this.. you have to then put your landlord hat back on and give him notice and let the dice fall where they land.. he's a grown man taking advantage of his sibling thanks to parents enabling him to not grow up and become financially capable and responsible.. start the eviction process ASAP and cite the reasons you stated behind on utilities, late with rent hoarding not keeping thr place clean and tidy.. that's where the pica come in then clean up his mess from YOUR HOUSE and remember that while it's nice to help family out its never good to mix business and family this includes renting them a property and adding finances into the mix
18. AITJ For Not Inviting My Trans Brother-In-Law To My Women-Only Baby Shower?
“I (23F) am expecting a baby in September with my husband “Dylan” (also 23). Dylan has a sibling one year older, “Hank.” Hank was AFAB, but he came out as trans last year and lives full-time as a man. Hank and I are quite close, and he was my maid of honor before he came out.
Anyway, my friend Lizzie and I are throwing a baby shower next week, and it’s ladies only. We are inviting my mom and MIL, my sisters, my grandma, Dylan’s sister Miley, and two of my best friends. It’ll be about ten people.
Obviously, I didn’t invite Hank, because he’s a guy.
Anyway, my MIL called me yesterday, and she’s upset that I excluded Hank. I reminded her that it’s no-guys-allowed, and the breastfeeding and labor stories might get graphic. She said Hank is an “honorary girl” because he was AFAB.
I told her it doesn’t work like that, and although she can ask Hank if he wants to be an “honorary girl,” he probably won’t take kindly to that.
My MIL then called Dylan and told him “your wife is a bigot.” He said it was just the opposite, as I’m respecting Hank’s self-identity.
MIL is trying to mobilize both families to harass me now, but nobody is taking the bait.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’d contact Hank, ask him if he wants to go, and if he says he does, invite him. I’d tell him you didn’t plan to since men don’t normally attend these events but let him know his mom is freaking out.
Unless Hank is a total pushover, I’m sure he will handle the evil MIL.” TheMedsPeds
Another User Comments:
“NTJ although it’s been a long time since I’ve been to a female-only baby shower. It’s been like over 30 years. The men seem to be having as much fun as the ladies.
But your party your rules. Hank identifies as male, transitioned to male, and thus is being treated like a male. Your statement “MIL is trying to mobilize both families to harass me now, but nobody is taking the bait” is the most important part of this post. No one is taking the bait because they know you’re NTJ.
Your MIL is just being a busybody. I’m not sure if she doesn’t truly accept Hank’s transition in which case she’s a jerk or if she’s trying to control you & your life (is this typical for her?) in which case she’s the jerk, or if Hank low key mentioned sadness he can’t be there, in which case she’s advocating (horribly) for her child, which I can’t blame her for.
I live in Los Angeles, Ca. I know we can be liberal, but I didn’t think we were that liberal. I encourage the co-ed baby showers. The guys don’t usually play the poo (candy) in the diaper game but may play how many the tissue squares around the belly, how many items in a jar, clothes pin, and word search games.
But mainly they sit around chatting & being human. Plus if the party is at a venue, they make carrying things to the car super easy, especially if people give big items like strollers, cribs, diaper genies, etc. OP’s is close & set so again her party her rules.
If the shower was co-ed then you wouldn’t have to worry about AFAB or any non-binary, etc. people being excluded. You can simply invite who you want & have fun.” rtgd_mmm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – as an AFAB transmasc, I would be so offended, upset, and hurt to be invited to a women-only event just because of the body I was born in.
“Honorary girl” made me full-body CRINGE. You made the right call, and your MIL needs to butt out. Just make sure Hank knows why you didn’t invite him, and that your MIL has some internalized misconceptions he might want to know about. You don’t have to give the full details, but just let him know that his mom still expects or thinks he should be involved in “women-only” events + is speaking on his behalf about them.
I certainly would want to know if my mom was trying to invite me to parties behind my back on the basis of my birth sex, yikes.” ctortan
17. AITJ For Not Helping My Husband With The Kids When I Woke Up Early?
“My husband (40m) sets his alarm one hour before he has to leave for work. Generally, he gets up, the kids (8f and 6m) usually get up shortly after him and he makes them breakfast while getting ready himself.
I (35f) get up an hour before myself and the kids are due to leave.
This is only 20 minutes after my husband. Generally, I will get their school lunches ready and make sure they have done all their chores.
This morning I woke up as my husband was leaving the room. So I decided to get a head start on my day and checked my emails.
I was delighted as work has been very stressful and I felt the day was off to a good start. I was still early so decided to have a morning shower. Now this is a rare luxury. As I was getting my things together, my husband sends me a WhatsApp of his Wordle.
So I take a minute and do Wordle and send it to him. As I am about to go into the en-suite, he comes in the room telling me I should be helping with the kids if I’m awake.
So I go to the kitchen, my daughter is dressed and finishing her breakfast, about to do her chores.
Son is a lot slower but is near finished breakfast, has lots of time to get dressed, and has a smaller number of chores.
I may be the jerk because if I helped with breakfast it would take the stress off my husband.”
Another User Comments:
“This…honestly seems like a non-issue since there doesn’t seem to be any actual conflict over it or anyone calling you a jerk, he just made one comment about it and you acquiesced…but I guess I’ll say NTJ. You’ve had your division of labor well-established, and you waking up early doesn’t change that you both have your tasks to take care of and you’re not obligated to also take on his tasks just because you happened to have a little extra time in the day.
If you had chosen to do it on your own to be nice that would be one thing, but considering that you both work, it’s not like you somehow have less to do and thus should be helping out more. If he has a problem with the existing division of labor, he needs to tell you that before it becomes an issue.” ColloidalSylver
Another User Comments:
“Idk, raising kids is a joint effort. Your husband makes breakfast and gets them dressed, and you make lunches and oversee chores. But if the difference between making his morning a little easier is 20 minutes, and you also have an opportunity to get a head start on your day after all is said and done then maybe you should just wake up 20 mins earlier every morning.
If you use the opportunity to make them lunch at the same time that he makes them breakfast then you’re freeing up time for yourself to enjoy a shower while the kids are doing chores and your husband will be able to visually see the portion of work you also do in the morning.
He might just be feeling like it’s uneven because he does his parental duties while you sleep. So all he sees is him making breakfast and you snoozing in. I don’t believe you need to be taking over breakfast duties, but if you’re awake at the same time as him doing your parental duties the same time as him it may help nullify the resentment that he’s doing chores while you get rest. No jerks here.” SmthingFairlyClever
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is just an issue of having a conversation about how as a couple you should be handling morning parental duties when one of you happens to wake up earlier than usual. Imagine another scenario. Parent 1 usually arrives home as the kids get home from school.
Makes snacks, oversees chores, organizes crafts for kiddos, shuttles them to play dates/after-school activities, etc. Parent 2 usually gets home at 5 pm, helps kids with homework, plays with kids, cooks dinner, etc and parents jointly handle clean up and bedtime. If parent 2 gets home early for whatever reason, should they help with the kids or cool their heels until 5 pm playing video games in the den?
Really, the main difference I see is that relaxing in bed before starting the day is rest, so I think I’d be more chill about that, but then again I know when trying to get out the door in the mornings, it can be stressful.
Add kids, and maybe your spouse is often a little overwhelmed.” ArmNo8807
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pretend To Be Just A Friend To My Partner's Extended Family?
“My partner (M25) and I (M23) have been together for close to 3 years now, we met in Uni and everything is going well. He’s out to his immediate family, but his extended family does not know he’s gay. This is mostly because he’s worried it would get to his maternal grandparents and that this would strain their relationship with his mother.
He doesn’t particularly care for his own sake, because they live in the US and we live in Switzerland and he isn’t close with them.
In July his aunt happens to be visiting Zürich, and since she knows he lives in Switzerland she wants to come by and visit him.
As said, he doesn’t want to come out to them, and since they aren’t a big part of his life I don’t really care whether or not he does, he has his reasons. What I’m not comfortable though is pretending to be just a friend.
I have not had the best experience growing up gay and the idea of hiding my sexuality makes me completely sick because it reminds me of an honestly horrible time in my life.
Instead, I told him that I would rather just not meet his aunt and cousins, to me this is a reasonable compromise, but he doesn’t see why I can’t just meet them.
He says he’d still like for me to know them because he does want to come out to his extended family in the future maybe, and definitely wants to once his grandparents die so he thinks it’d be nice if they’d have already met me if/when he does.
He doesn’t understand why me introducing myself as his friend is such a big deal for me. Am I being unreasonable by not wanting to meet them?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He has the right to come out how and when he chooses, and you have the right to not attend if it would make you feel uncomfortable lying about who you are and the nature of your relationship.
As long as you both understand and support each other’s feelings and decisions there shouldn’t be a conflict.” DJ_Mixalot
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here As a gay man I totally get both sides of this, but this is a no-fault situation.
You set a boundary based on your own life experiences and he has a different view. Your solution doesn’t hurt anyone and makes sure that everyone involved is comfortable with their choices.” brodkin85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Introduce yourself as his friend, and you’ll have told them a lie.
Any slip in this lie, any inadvertent truth-telling, and he’ll be blaming you. Plus, how long do you have to maintain this lie? Until his grandparents die? That could be years or even decades! Can you realistically maintain this lie for an indefinite amount of time, waiting for two people to die?
What will your relationship be for all that time? Is he refusing to consider making the relationship more serious, such as marriage or cohabitating, for the rest of his grandparents’ lives? What about if you want to have kids? Either you meet them and tell the truth, or think carefully about what your life will be like being forced into a closet and expected to maintain that lie for years or decades.” Jazzlike_Humor3340
15. AITJ For Agreeing With My Mom's Decision To Forgo Cancer Treatment?
“My mom with MS has cancer.
2016 she had a small pea-sized breast tumor. She was so sick after the 1st round of chemo she begged me to have it stop. I did & doc agreed it wasn’t worth it. Radiation instead. In 2019 cancer free.
4 weeks ago she went in for a lump behind her ear.
Goes to doc & the pathology results showed a low-grade cancer. “No worries, caught it early,” Doc said.
We get sent to this hospital with specialists. Doc looks at her scan & says he thinks it is this disease, as everything on the scan suggests it & he wasn’t convinced by the biopsy language used. He said it’s most likely not malignant, beyond confident.
To confirm, one more biopsy. Hopes are up.
The results came back malignant. The doc is so surprised, he gets the entire team of experts to examine her case. They call & think she has lung cancer too. They can’t do surgery on her neck to remove tumors as it is too much surgery for a person to take, too many tumors.
Now they want to biopsy the lung.
Mom’s not an idiot. She has suffered from MS for 30 years. She knows/knew something wasn’t right.
She called yesterday to see if I was doing ok, as I’m a basket case knowing chemo is going to torture her & before it just was a tiny tumor.
This is MANY. She tells me we have to have some serious discussions. Discussions involved getting everything in order in case of her death (expected). Then tells me she’s NOT doing any chemo or radiation if they can only say she may get another 5 years.
I agreed while sobbing. What she went through in just one round of chemo was horrible.
I don’t want her to die & strongly recommend trying holistic stuff to at least try. I’ve spent the last 24 hours worrying I sounded like a jerk as I didn’t argue with her at all.
I saw what she went through on a tiny tumor. I completely agree with her & respect her wishes. I want to call her to explain, but every time I talk to her I cry & she keeps telling me to stop crying.
AITJ for agreeing immediately?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It also sounds like you could use someone who isn’t your mom to talk about this with, such as a close, trusted friend (if your Mom doesn’t mind them knowing) or a maybe therapist who specializes in grief.
All of your emotions are normal and you deserve support. If you are supported, the time you spend with your mom will be better. When my grandparents died, we were all sad, of course. But we were also so relieved because their suffering was over.
It is absolutely okay to feel that way!” Mystchelle
Another User Comments:
“From what you’ve said she either has 2 different cancers or she has a cancer that’s metastasised. Either way, that’s a brutal treatment regime for anyone, even without her already having MS. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but of course you’re not the jerk.
Some people do opt out of prolonging their lives for a short time with chemo as the negative effects of the treatment aren’t worth the 5 additional years she may have. Holistic medicine may help with side effects but not necessarily with the tumor (s).
She likely understands where you’re coming from. 100% no jerks here.” SleepDangerous1074
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. You’re not a jerk; you’re honest. You’re beyond the point of pretending things will get better. They won’t. She’s going to die. Look, I’ve been where you are.
My mom was 56 when she died from cervix cancer. It sucks. It sucks so hard. But, one thing that helped me in my grieving process was knowing I had the strength to face reality and have all those difficult conversations. After she was gone, I didn’t have to wonder what she wanted about anything; I knew.
I knew what music she wanted at her funeral, that she wanted to be cremated, and where to spread her ashes. I knew what she wanted to be done with her possessions. We’d tackled the paperwork and ensured all insurance payouts etc., would go to the people she wanted them to.
We did all that and more. These conversations are tough and awful, but they’re also helpful. Take a deep breath and keep it together a little longer, because these conversations with your mother will be some of the most important you’ll ever have and help you heal once she’s gone.” StatisticianUsed7314
14. AITJ For Insisting On Going On A Family Vacation With My Ex And His Fiancée?
“I used to be involved with my friend before he met his fiancée. I assumed he would’ve told his fiancée at some point but he didn’t. She found out from his family during a dinner I attended too. Now she’s telling everyone I make her uncomfortable.
She wants me to stay away from her and her fiancé.
The problem is that I’m very close to his family since they’re like a second family to me. Usually in the summer, I go on vacation with my friend, his sisters, my siblings, and some of their cousins (and spouses).
The trip for this year has already been booked but she wants me to not go out of respect for her and her relationship.
She came to me directly to tell me that I make her uncomfortable and that she didn’t want me to go on their family vacation.
I told her if I made her so uncomfortable she could just not go since I was going to go. This turned into an argument where she accused me of being after a free vacation and told me I couldn’t stay in their family vacation home and I would need to get a hotel room if I insisted on going.
I told her that wasn’t up to her and we could ask her future father-in-law if I could stay there or not.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I think ESH because this is a whole mess. You need to stop talking with your friend’s fiancée about this.
Have a real conversation with your friend about why he never told her about you, what he thinks about the current situation, and what he wants you to do about the vacation. He’s the one in the middle of this mess and he’s the one who needs to take the lead on fixing it.
You’re not helping the situation at all by trying to dictate the terms of a vacation that’s not actually yours and threatening to go above her head to her future FIL.” fizzbangwhiz
Another User Comments:
“Why the heck are there so many NTJ here? OP is clearly overstepping boundaries.
Imagine your fiance still vacations and hangs with their ex of 4 years, but they never told you they’ve been involved. If we heard this story from the fiancée’s POV, everyone would be yelling that it’s a red flag that their future husband is still hanging out and vacationing with their ex and never mentioned that they’re an ex.
Am I taking crazy pills??” Difficult_E
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your ex is a jerk for deliberately hiding that you were involved. It’s incredibly unlikely that this was omitted accidentally. You are a jerk for trying to draw other people into a situation that is a losing battle.
Your friend is likely going to marry this girl. Making her feel bad and making things awkward with everyone until someone tells you to leave is just being petty. The fiancée is a jerk because while it’s understandable she would be uncomfortable (about something that was just dropped on her out of nowhere) she didn’t discuss this directly with your ex and settle things there.
In fact…you know what? None of you can go on the vacation. Now go to your rooms and think about what you’ve done.” NobodyEspeciallyCool
13. AITJ For Not Addressing My Mom's Cold Responses About My Dream Job?
“My (24f) mom (51f) and I didn’t always have the best relationship growing up. For context, when I was 17, she found out I had a Twitter, and was so mad she couldn’t look at me.
She spent nearly an entire day ignoring me. When I was about 20 or 21, her mom had passed and it was a struggle. On Mother’s Day that year, I was a couple of hours late coming over (which is fair to be upset and mad about).
But my mom had locked herself in her room and didn’t want to see me, called me emotionally abusive and cried about it for hours.
I still live in the same town as them and things between us have been much better since I moved out of their house 3 years ago.
Until recently.
Last week, I scored an offer for a literal dream job. Great pay, great everything. I have talked about moving to the mountains (we live in the Midwest) for YEARS and growing up, my mom always told me she hated my hometown and wanted to see me get out to the mountains like I had dreamed of.
Well, I told her about the offer, and suddenly she flipped a switch. She started listing all the reasons I shouldn’t move and talked about how great our hometown is.
I didn’t say much and left, told my mom I wasn’t mad, and I thought everything was good.
Two days later, she’s responding to texts very coldly and passive-aggressively. I didn’t ask what was wrong because I figured she’d just tell me.
Well a week later and now she’s mad that I’ve been ignoring her cold responses and carrying on like nothing is wrong.
She says she’s upset because she thought I was dismissive of her complaints about me moving and she thought we had a closer relationship. I responded that if she had a problem, I assumed she would just tell me and I apologized for coming off dismissive, I didn’t mean to.
She left me on read and hasn’t said anything more.
AITJ for this? I keep going back and forth thinking maybe I’m being unnecessarily rude about things.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were gray rocking, which is the exact way to treat someone who is trying to emotionally manipulate you like this.
You are an adult and get to make your own choices. And it’s passive-aggressive as heck to send someone cold messages and expect them to ask about it, vs just coming out and saying “hey I’m having these emotions.” You could even tell her “sorry Mom, I thought we had the kind of close relationship where you could tell me what is wrong, not try to manipulate me into asking.”” jetgirljen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It must be difficult for you to be the more mature person in this adult-child relationship. Your mother is the emotionally manipulative one. Sounds like she has a personality or mood disorder, and you have been conditioned over time to feel responsible for her mood and to manage her moods for her.
It is normal for adult children to become independent. Please don’t feel guilty. There is no need to justify your choice to her or directly address each of her complaints. That will just encourage her to continue and give her a false sense of control over your choice.
Just be vague. “I hear ya, Ma, but I think the overall benefits outweigh the risks and I’m comfortable taking that chance.”” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother is being passive-aggressive, and frankly childish. The best way to deal with passive-aggressive people is to play dumb.
Take everything they say at face value. When they say “oh don’t worry about me, I’m *sure* I’ll be fine,” you say “aww that’s great, I’m so glad of your support!” You’ve done your bit, you’ve apologized for coming off as dismissive – even though it doesn’t sound like you were, and her complaints about you moving are irrelevant here.
Don’t chase after her, she’s also an adult and really should be honest with you about her concerns She doesn’t want you to move because you’re an emotional crutch for her – but that’s not your job, and it’s not what you want your life to be trust me.
Opportunities like the one you’ve got don’t come around every day, you should take them when you can. It’s time to build your own life, gain stability, look after yourself.” the_fatal_lozenge
12. AITJ For Not Wanting To Give My Daughter A Name From Our Home Country?
“I’m going to try and keep my ethnicity vague in hopes that responses can be more unbiased.
My husband and I share the same ethnicity, but I was born and raised in the States while he was born and raised in our “home” country. We met when I worked there for a couple of years, but ended up moving back to America where he eventually became a citizen when we married.
We’re having our first child, and the issue of baby names came up. He insists on giving our daughter a name from our home country, but I vehemently disagree.
For the record, I’m very much in touch with my culture and I’m proud of who I am.
I’m fluent in the language, participate in our community, and follow all of our customs. The thing is, my parents gave me a name from our culture and it was very difficult growing up and it still is. Prejudices aside, the pronunciation isn’t phonetic at all and the spelling itself is complicated (think lots of syllables and letter combinations that aren’t intuitive in the English language).
I spent my entire life having to shorten my name for ease (i.e. if my parents named me Elizabeth, everyone had to call me “Liz”).
My husband says that I’m turning my back on my culture and that I’m whitewashing our child. I believe that I’m trying to make my daughter’s life easier.
I’ve tried to offer solutions like making it her middle name or finding other names from our culture that aren’t as long and complicated. He’s insistent on that one name. I’m also frustrated at the whitewashing comment because we’ll definitely raise her to speak our language, live in an area where many from our background reside, and plan on taking her to visit our country.
My parents are on my side while my in-laws are on his. We’re pretty divided and I really don’t want to acquiesce to keep the peace if it means it’ll impact my daughter’s life. But I also don’t want to cause marital strife if I’m the one being too stubborn.
Please, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let me preface this that I’m a white American female. My ancestors came over from Germany before the revolution. They were Amish and Mennonite. I gave my son a name I loved. He was named after his grandparents. It’s an unusual name, but I spelled it more like his grandmother’s name.
He is 36 years old and still hates his first name. We came up with a nickname he loves and uses it. But legally, whenever he signs something, it’s pronounced wrong, or they assume he’s a female. I regret naming him that. I was 22 and thought I knew it all.
It was about what I wanted, not what was best for him. So my advice is to stand your ground. If your husband isn’t willing to compromise, ditch him! Your primary goal should be your child’s welfare. If he doesn’t see that now, will he ever?
Is it more about his wants and not the culture? Will he always demand things to be his way? If so, get out now.” TracyMinOB
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a female, I don’t subscribe to the “if I’m carrying it, I get to name the baby” power move.
Names should always be 100% sure of. If one parent says no, it should automatically be vetoed. You’re looking out for the well-being of your child. It seriously sucks, but there are prejudices associated with names even, and in job markets and such, it can be a huge downfall and not just a bullying method kids use in school.
I think celebrating a culture with a name is a fantastic idea, but if you’re doing it for yourself (as hubby is) instead of for your child (who is already going to grow up immersed in the culture), that’s being selfish.” HolyUnicornBatman
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; those of us who come with foreign and strange names get how difficult carrying them can be. All nine of my grandparents’ children have English names for exactly this reason, and my mother’s family cut their last name in half for this reason. Would you feel comfortable giving your daughter a middle name from your family’s community, so she has options?
To use an example common in Mexican communities, perhaps you could name her “Elizabeth Xochitl” (the middle name is Nahuatl and commonly used as a first name.) That way she’s “Elizabeth” “Liz” “Betsy” or “Lizzie” in the world but if and when she wants to use an “ethnic” name or there’s an in-family tradition, she can use “Xochitl?”
EDIT: missed the point where you are comfortable using a middle name. Your husband is being terribly unreasonable and clearly doesn’t know how heavy our names can be to carry in a country where nobody is taught to get them right.” theycallmewinning
11. AITJ For Standing Up To My Child-Free Sister At A Family Event?
“My sister is one of those child-free people who is very vocal about her choices. I have three kids (2, 5, 7). Whenever we have to be around my sister at a family function she complains constantly about my kids. She’s got a history of mental instability so everyone kind of indulges her and tells me to ignore her behavior.
But it’s gotten to the point where my kids hate going to any family events with my family because of her.
At my mom’s birthday party this week, my sister snapped at my kids because two of them were playing some hand-clapping game and laughing and she said they were being annoying and disruptive (they were literally just sitting next to each other in their chairs).
I interrupted her and told her that the world doesn’t revolve around her. We got into a huge fight where she accused me of being jealous of her lifestyle (she works a minimum wage job, lives with my parents, and has like no friends) and said that “pushing out some brats doesn’t make you a better person” (never said that it did, but whatever).
My mom started crying, my dad told both of us to shut up and stop ruining her birthday, and my husband herded the kids out of the room.
Now everyone thinks I’m the jerk because I should know that’s just the way my sister is and that I unnecessarily escalated the situation.
My husband is upset mostly because I did all this in front of our kids. It wasn’t my proudest moment, but I just felt like someone needed to stand up to my sister and stop allowing her to treat my kids like garbage all the time.
Was I really the jerk for yelling at her?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, I’m child-free by choice but I would never dream of insulting kids, especially not to their mother and ESPECIALLY to their faces. Me deciding to not have kids is not the “correct” choice, and your sister seems to think so.
However, in my opinion, you will be the jerk if you continue to let your sister around your kids. Kids are smart and like sponges, if they’re already dreading going to family events this young, her comments will only make them feel worse and worse.” shiieri
Another User Comments:
“Seems like we lack context here. Labeling your sis as “one of those child-free people” or as “having a history of mental instability” (as in what? Depression? Something that was diagnosed?) And saying your kids were “just playing a hands game and laughing” (loud kids might be usual for you but annoying to others, tbh) sounds like there’s a lot more going on here… You saying “the world doesn’t revolve around her” sounds like you’re jealous of her for actually having no one but herself to take care of, and she says you’re basically not so great for just having kids sounds like the issue might be more about you and your attitude regarding how you’re acting as a mother than your kids themselves.” PrettyFall94
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. “At my mom’s birthday party this week…” (soft YTJ for lashing out there) Your parents suck for not correcting her behavior (or kicking her out, depending on how old she is) And clearly your sister is a jerk for being miserable and lashing out at you.
I can’t believe she said that in front of her nieces/nephews. That’s awful. I’d go LC with your sister, and instead invite your parents to your place now and then. Next time you see her, be firm with your sister about her unacceptable behavior around your children, and you won’t have them exposed to someone clearly is annoyed by/dislikes them who is SUPPOSED to be family.
Unless she can be a decent person, you won’t be inviting her over.” tinny36
10. AITJ For Pushing My Mentally Ill Daughter To Become A Functioning Member Of Society?
“I (45F) have a daughter (18F) who, I believe, is the embodiment of “failure to launch”.
Emily (name changed, of course) graduated from high school in June 2021 and started college that fall (about two hours from home).
Two months later, I found out that she stopped going to class (but continued to attend a cappella rehearsals), stopped doing coursework, slept 24/7, and wanted to come home every weekend. I thought she was homesick (before I found out that she quit school) so I picked her up most weekends and brought her home with a backpack full of homework.
By mid-November, Emily’s homesickness had become a full-blown depression. She refused to get help from the student services on campus. Fairly quickly the depression worsened and turned into a crisis including hinting about harm. Emily was moved home and admitted immediately to the local hospital’s behavioral health ward.
She says the week-long stay was a huge benefit because she only had to focus on herself and everyone did everything else for her (fixing meals, washing laundry, etc). She became a patient of a psychiatrist and therapist upon release from the hospital. She quit going to appointments but refused to admit it for nearly two months.
For the past four months, it has been an absolute battle to get Emily to do anything: get a job (she is recently employed), pay student loans, clean her bathroom & bedroom, take her antidepressant or anti-anxiety medications, get on the phone to schedule appointments (I have to be there with her to actually call for her) and full-blown toddler-like meltdowns when she has to go to doctors appointments (I have to go with her to ease her anxiety.).
I have recently found out that she self-medicates by smoking almost every day.
I do believe that Emily has some mental illness(es), obviously depression, anxiety, and possibly bipolar disorder (it runs in my side of the family and I have been diagnosed with it).
I have thankfully got her to agree to see a new psychiatrist and therapist (as long as I go with her). The first available appointment isn’t for three more weeks.
The issue is that part of me wonders if she just doesn’t want to grow up and accept responsibility for absolutely anything; she was a completely different person before going off to college.
AITJ for pushing my daughter to become a functioning member of society when her mental health may be a huge factor in her behavior?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. First of all, an 18-year-old struggling with mental health isn’t the definition of failure to launch. Failure to launch is a perfectly fine 30 or 40-year-old, who could take care of themselves, who could move out, who could have healthy adult relationships, yet chooses not to because mommy and daddy make it easy for them to remain adult-children.
Second of all, she was fine 1 year ago. She went to college. Now she is clearly struggling in numerous ways. I’d say something happened at college in that first two months. Maybe it’s just an overload of pressure, but I’d guess something more. None of what you described sounds lazy to me, especially in context of everything else.
It sounds like how I felt when I was going through one of the worst depressive periods of my life after my own traumatic events. It sounds like a girl who is struggling to get through each day. Maybe she needs more in-patient help, maybe she needs to try out different therapists and forms of treatment, maybe she needs a friend she can talk to, or maybe she just needs time.
It isn’t bad for you to push her someone, those nudges might help, but don’t dismiss the mental aspect – it sounds like something big is going on.” Wise_Possession
Another User Comments:
“I’m worried if she has changed that dramatically in such a short period of being at college if something happened to her there?
Anxiety can be crippling at times and you can force yourself to drive to a place but sometimes can’t make yourself get out of the car and go inside. Depression can leave you unable to get out of bed and do the simplest of tasks like shower, or brush teeth.
She definitely needs these appointments and it would be best for her mental health (and yours) for you to keep her actually going. It sounds like it’s going to be a rough time for a while and I’m sorry you’re going through it all. You may need to hold her hand until she has the strength to do it herself.
NTJ but I’d be careful of the language you use to talk about her. Failure to launch seems a bit harsh.” Available-Maize5837
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You probably have realized in your own writing that you have basically said that it was her going to college that made her ‘change’.
What you are asking your mentally unwell daughter to do is probably not reasonable and pushing her is not helping her stress/anxiety. Her mental health is an obvious factor in her behavior. You who are also diagnosed with bipolar ought to have sympathy for her because a lot of what you describe is the downside of bipolar.
Even if she doesn’t have the ‘up’ side, she sounds depressed and in need of some of the care you have said she has agreed to. I don’t criticize you (hence no jerks here) because you do describe trying to get her help, but also she is agreeing to do that.
But accept that you are not able to compel her to ‘get well’, and neither is she.” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Not Wanting More Kids Because Of Financial Struggles And Past Trauma?
“I am a momma to 3 kids, 2 twins(female) and one in the oven also female. My husband wants to have another one, but I don’t.
My husband and I were talking and he said that he wanted to have another one but I do not, he asked why and I said, I want to be prepared for anything.
We aren’t made of money, this is the house we want our kids to grow up in, we do not plan on moving. We are having three baby girls, I don’t know what could happen.
He asked me what I was implying and I said we are their parents but at some point, we have to let them become their own person as they are growing up and it’s our job to protect them.
And if somewhere along the way, something like this happens, I will not be the parent who tells their kid to deal with it and kick them to the curb, and we do not have the space nor the money to support five kids, and I want to be ready for anything.
My mom was a teen mom, I watched her struggle, her parents kicked her out, she had me, and she struggled the whole time, she was working three jobs. We were going from shelter to shelter. We lived in a 1 bedroom apartment on a bad side of town, my mom grew depressed and very sick throughout this time.
I ended up working, pitching in a lot of money for rent groceries, etc which resulted in me almost failing school. My mom passed a few years ago and that really hurt.
I know how hard my mom worked for me, and how hard it was to have no support system around her, and I can’t let my baby go through something like that, she deserves something better than what my mom had or what I had.
And of course I don’t want this to happen, and I’ll do everything I can to prevent it, but so did my mother, so did her parents, and here I am. Despite my husband knowing this, he called me sick for thinking something like that and asking for our baby to be a teen mom.
I tried explaining that it’s not the case, but he said I’m disgusting, and it’s absurd that this even came across my mind and I’m now getting the silent treatment.
Is this not a worry? Or a thought for mothers? Is it true that it’s strange to think this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but instead of a “whatever happens happens” attitude, start talking about birth control. At the age when you detect an interest in boys and seeing someone, take her to a doctor and ask them to discuss birth control. When I took my 15-year-old niece, they pulled out this handy little chart listing every option, including rhythm and withdrawal. They explained how each worked and gave her stats, failure rates, side effects, etc. By far, the two they recommended were IUD and the implant in the arm.
Both last a long time, the failure rate a fraction of a percent, and there’s no daily regimen or advance planning needed. Don’t hope for the best while preparing for the worst. Provide parental support and guidance.” Intelligent_Stop5564
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I remember having a conversation with my husband that if we had kids, I’m not gonna kick them out for anything, including teen pregnancy.
My adoptive father used to threaten to kick me out for simple things like dyeing my hair, etc. It created an insecurity in me that I never felt at home and felt like I was gonna be kicked to the curb if I messed up even if it was minor as wanting to express myself through colored hair that would have been temporary.
So, you are never the jerk for deciding that your children will know your house will always be their home no matter what.” AlternativeAlias42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re currently pregnant. I don’t see a need to plan another one before this one’s arrived. It seems like hubby has some feelings to talk about.
Perhaps he’s a little offended by you being insecure with y’all’s future. But you wanting security and being satisfied with your current number of children and worrying about the future don’t make you a jerk. This conversation should be explored more. Hubby would be the jerk if he doesn’t fully communicate his feelings and frustration while calling you disgusting and selfishly expecting you to just make more babies like family planning can be an impulsive decision.” MoysterShooter
8. AITJ For Making My Vacation Group Sign A Non-Refundable Agreement?
“I’m going on vacation (I am the organizer) in about 6 months with 12 friends; I love vacationing with friends, even though it can be a big pain in the butt getting people to commit.
This time, fortunately, I was able to get people to commit pretty quickly.
I’ve had problems in the past with people trying to bail last minute, expecting to get their money back, and ultimately becoming annoyed with the fact that they don’t get their money back, even though we all agreed that you wouldn’t get the money back from the start.
The problem is, that it impacts others financially, since others will have to pay money they never agreed to, in order to cover the cost of the person who bailed.
So today, I created a document stating that if you back out last minute, then you pay regardless of whether you attend or not, since other people shouldn’t have to pay money they never agreed to, all because someone decided to bail.
I asked everyone to sign it and two people got annoyed that I asked this of them, and basically said that they shouldn’t have to sign a paper over this.
My response was that if they plan to follow through with the trip and be a fair person, then there is no need to not sign it; I also stated that if they don’t want to sign it, then they can feel free to not attend.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think that’s brilliant, personally. Each individual should probably go ahead and buy some vacation insurance because that would reimburse for any situation that is actually legitimate. None of this, “Oh, no! My cat spontaneously developed contact dermatitis to my new cologne” excuses that people like to come use when they get cold feet.
“Oh my God, my foot is rotting because a brown recluse bit me, and now it’s progressed.” That’s acceptable, and vacation insurance will have you covered! (No, I’m not an insurance salesman or affiliated with any insurers in any way except for holding some policies.)” Aggravating-Bison515
Another User Comments:
“My question is does the places you are planning to vacation give refunds if you cancel? Or are they nonrefundable? The reason I ask is that 6 months from now is a long time away and a lot could happen between now and then, Pregnancy, death, illness, loss of job and so much more.
You want people to commit to something like a vacation and sign a release saying they will have to pay no matter what but do not take into account how things might change. You should have some way for them to cancel without penalty. I know that it is inconvenient for others if a person cancels but do you really expect people to pay up if they had a life-changing event and seriously can’t afford to go?” Scarletzoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’ve been there before. Organizing group vacations with my friends when we were in our early 20s. What a pain in the butt, and a thankless task. Nicole would only go if Caren would go, but Caren wouldn’t go if it was more than $80 per person for the house.
It would be less than $80 if they both agreed to go, but they wouldn’t see the logic and held out until I got more people to confirm that they were going. Then you had James who was wishy-washy about the whole thing, and refusing to commit until the week of.
Sarah then messaged me saying she had a cold and wasn’t sure if she’d be well enough to go (in a month). That first time, a few people dropped out last second. Those who had already paid me didn’t want to pay me more, so I was stuck harassing friends to pay for a trip that they didn’t even go on.
I personally ended up being out a few hundred dollars.
It was much the same the following year, so to avoid all of the hassle, I lied to everyone about the price of the house and made sure I got paid upfront by everyone. That worked out, because a couple of people did drop out last second, and then there were a couple of things broken in the house that we ended up having to pay for.
Luckily I had overcharged people enough to pay for the repairs and returned the rest of the funds to everyone who were surprised as they weren’t expecting anything back.
The third year I refused to be responsible for the money, and we got hotel rooms at a resort.
Fill up one room, that was the end of our responsibility, and it was up to the next group to arrange to pay for their room. We had a blast, and I had none of the stress. Now in my 30s, thankfully when I do go on group trips, my friends and I are all now far enough along in our careers where a difference of $5 isn’t going to make or break a trip.
My advice is if they can’t commit up front, don’t plan on them coming at all. Book your accommodations, tell anyone who doesn’t pay upfront that they’re welcome to join and chip in later, but they won’t be guaranteed a bedroom, or even necessarily an actual bed.” OhHowIMeantTo
7. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Giving Me Unsolicited Advice?
“My friend and I got into a fight back in February because it seemed like he just wanted to correct me and tell me what to do, examples of what he’s been doing:
- trying to explain to me why I’m an extrovert and not an introvert out of nowhere in front of our friends
- nitpicking things that don’t need correction when we tried to do a choreography and sing a duet, both for fun, he didn’t have more knowledge or experience than me on either
- telling me I need to apply for a job I wasn’t interested in when I told him I would start looking for a job and insisting on it
- generally trying to correct me when I express anything and arguing for the sake of argument when we agree on what we’re saying
- when I mentioned I was thinking of applying for a barista job at the place he was working at, he insisted it was very difficult and when I mentioned it was a similar position to the food preparation job we both took up a month before, he said that it’s harder than that and basically saying I couldn’t do it when he only had an extra week of experience than me at the time.
Overall, every chance he gets he treats me as if I know less than him, and as I am processing what he’s saying and trying to figure out the best way to react, I tend to “fidget” my eyes (to me it’s a movement that comes very naturally and I don’t do it to express anything, it’s just a fast blinking I do when I try to process things) and then saying “oookay” because I don’t know what else to tell him.
Anyways, last week after a few minor aggressions again he turns to me and asks me why I’ve been “acting like that.” As the conversation continued I told him he’s been making me uncomfortable with his unsolicited advice/corrections and that’s why at times I don’t know how to react.
He brought up that I “roll my eyes” at everything he tells me, I explained to him that it’s involuntary, but he straight up didn’t believe me and said I was making excuses and that he also can’t control his unsolicited advice because he “wants to help people” and “that’s just who he is”.
At some point, he started shouting at me that he isn’t correcting me and to stop “seeing it that way.”
Since he was clearly angry I sent him a long text in the morning once again going over everything and asking him to simply avoid giving me unsolicited advice since it makes me uncomfortable and feels like he’s not treating me as an equal, to which he again responded angrily and had a huge rant about how he doesn’t like my eye-roll, I again explained it’s not voluntary and he again didn’t believe me.
I left him on read after he kept spouting angry nonsense at me because we were clearly getting nowhere and he hasn’t talked to me since.
So yeah, do you guys think I’m the jerk for -very calmly and respectfully- trying to tell my friend something he does makes me uncomfortable?
I genuinely don’t think there’s anything else I can do right now since he reacts so negatively to every attempt of compromise.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is controlling behavior. I have known people who are aware of their tendency to problem solve when no one is asking for it, and they are intelligent enough to restrain themselves, or at least to ask, “Would you like me to offer advice?” before plowing into an issue.
Your friend does neither, and, based on another of your responses here, appears to be brandishing his male-ness as though it immediately endows him with greater knowledge and skill. (I might be misreading that.) Either way, he’s not a friend, and pretending that your “eye roll” is in any way equal to his consistent boundary breaching makes him something closer to a foe.
You should keep your distance.” Arithered
Another User Comments:
“I have a newish friend sort of like this. I think I drive him crazy by not letting him “win” or whatever by just expressing that I don’t really care. I know this is silly, but he trolled my friend in a game and I don’t like trolling in games so I quit out which made the server go down.
We all got another game and I told him he has to promise not to troll. He tried explaining it away and that he didn’t troll me blah blah blah. I just told him I don’t care, dude, I don’t need you to play this game with us.
All I need from you is a promise and guarantee that you won’t mess with anything. I “won” that one lol.” Defiant_Low_1391
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This person isn’t your friend. I knew a girl like this back in high school. And every time she was around me she had something new to nitpick about on me.
It really made me question if I was doing things incorrectly. It’s been like over a decade and I’ve come to realize, she was a bully. She constantly put me down. Then whenever I’d try to stop being around her or even stop being her friend she would get incredibly offended. She really could not grasp why I didn’t want to be her friend.
even years later after HS, she tried to be my friend again on social media. Well, she added me. And I didn’t really interact with her on it. She was just a fellow alumnus on my friend’s list (as one does). She complained to our mutual friend about all this stuff about how I wasn’t being a friend.
(??????!!) And was nitpicking stuff about me…that she was just assuming based on vague posts I’ve had over the years. Personally, people like that are just looking to entertain themselves by making you miserable. And luckily for me, the trash took itself out. She blocked me and had our mutual friend tell me that I don’t know how to be a friend.
like girl come on, we were never friends. She was just mad I didn’t take her bait so she could bully me again. Anyway sorry for the rant. NTJ, stop being friends with this person.” Reddit User
6. AITJ For Expecting My Partner To Help Renovate The House He Pays Rent For?
“I (F) have been with my partner for over 4 years.
I have always been pretty good with money and had some investments in the works when we met. My partner on the other hand isn’t the smartest when it comes to money management, and we’ve always kept our finances separate.
Last year I bought my childhood home from my mom, and I did it completely on my own.
My partner moved in with me and after a couple of months, I asked him to start paying rent. The house is old and we both work in the construction business, so I started to remodel it room by room since the house was in really bad shape.
I asked my partner to help me fix it up in his spare time. This is when the problems started.
He never wanted to work on the house and when I would bring it up he said I was “slaving him away”. It’s been over 6 months and we still aren’t done.
He finally snapped one day and told me he doesn’t want to help because it isn’t “his house” and if we break up I’m going to have a nice house and he’s going to be left with nothing. He says it only benefits me in the end.
I try to explain all the times I helped him (loaned him money for cars) and stuck my neck out in the line for him with no insurance things were going to work out, and he shoots it down. I feel like he should want to help fix the house he also lives in and make it better.
I pay for all materials and expenses. All I’m asking for is for his time and skills. So AITJ for expecting him to help?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. He pays rent. He didn’t agree to labor on your house. Past times you helped him out with loans have nothing to do with this – you chose to do that then, are you saying there are strings attached retroactively?
If you don’t want to help him out in the future, don’t help him out, but that is not a barter for his labor on your home. If he has skills in renovation that you want, why don’t you offer to pay him or take a reasonable payment off his rent?
It IS your home, not his.” ParsimoniousSalad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, kinda. He’s right, it’s not his house. He is a tenant and you are the landlord, it is your responsibility to keep it in working order, and if you want to make upgrades that is up to you but not required. Look at it this way, if you do break up one day he can’t lay claim to any part of the equity either.
On the other hand, you might want to make a pros & cons list about your relationship. It sounds like things are pretty one-sided and he is not putting the same amount of effort into the relationship as as you are. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and imo yours might have an upcoming expiration date.
It might be sad, but look at your accomplishments, you own your home, take care of your finances and have real skills. You’re so busy upgrading your house that you forgot to upgrade your life as well. I am positive you could find a man who matches your ambitions and who wants to work with you in making a happy life and home.” just_4_looks
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for expecting this of him, he’s right, he does not have equity in your home. If he wanted to do it to help you that would be super nice of him but the only way it would be reasonable for you to demand/expect this was if he had reduced or minimal rent because of helping out.
OR if he didn’t do his fair share of the housework and you were asking him to do this in exchange. OR if he still owes you the money for cars and this is your way of inviting him to pay it off. A transaction, in other words.
Because this is work. Big work. In fact, it’s his profession. Which you are demanding he do on his days off. Sure you helped him in the past, but helping has to be optional. If you feel he owes you manual labor in exchange for help you’ve given him in the past…
that’s a transaction that should be explicit. Home renovations are not a normal expectation of house sharing. (It is a bit of a worry that he does not feel enough faith in the relationship to feel like this home will be your shared home one day… but it kind of sounds like you also aren’t there yet in your relationship.
Which is fine. Don’t like, hand him half the equity in your house. Just give the guy a day off. Or start offering actual incentives for him to improve the value of your property.)” ViolaVetch75
5. AITJ For Not Wanting My Brother-In-Law To Be Involved In My Surgery Care?
“I work for a hospital, not a nurse or anything, think more like in the administrative/desk areas. My BIL is a post-anesthesia care nurse (the department is called PACU) in the same hospital, although in completely different areas.
I’m having surgery that requires I go under anesthesia (nothing severe or anything) and since I work at the hospital, I have the opportunity to request certain nurses to be assigned to me if I want. I don’t know any of the nurses in the OR except one so I don’t really care too much about who’s going to be in there during surgery.
But I do not want BIL involved in my care while I’m in PACU. He’s okay in general, I’m honestly not his biggest fan due to his personality and somewhat entitled attitude but we typically get along fine (no one except my husband knows I’m not a fan of him, I keep it to myself).
I just really feel uncomfortable with the idea of him being involved in my care especially while I’m going to be loopy and vulnerable. I don’t get any odd vibes from him or anything but I am in general very private and I just don’t want him there (I have a cousin I adore who is an OBGYN and I would never go to her even though she’s great at her job, that’s just how particular/neurotic/weird I am about that stuff).
When I probed a friend about if I would be able to block someone from caring for me, she made it seem like it would be a complete jerk thing for me to do and could affect his job since some might take it as me saying he’s a bad nurse, that maybe I’ve heard him say things that cause me to make this decision.
I’m not trying to throw shade at him or anything, I just don’t want him to be involved in my care. WIBTJ if I go through with my request?”
Another User Comments:
“It’s not really weird or obsessive at all. You’re in the field, you know it’s standard to avoid treating people you’re closely related to or emotionally close with – it’s safer that way, professionals generally make better judgments when they’re not so emotionally invested in their patients.
I’d expect that just making sure that the powers that be know that you’re related would be enough reason for them to make sure you’re assigned to someone else’s care, without any kind of judgment applied to you or your BIL.
NTJ.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is a totally reasonable request and if it’s one that’s generally available to people who work in the hospital, I’ll bet it’s one they’ve seen A LOT before. I even wonder if that might be why it’s there as an option – nobody wants their ex-partner delivering their baby or their ex-colleague changing their catheter, no matter how great they are as individuals.
If you’re worried about it, maybe see if you can add a note explaining that you have nothing personal against your BiL, you’d just prefer to be treated by someone who isn’t a family member. But honestly, it’s really common for doctors and nurses to date each other or be friends, this will be a situation they’re very used to.” PlayingOut
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ, as long as you specify why when you make the request. Not wanting family directly involved in your care is common. Having people who are basically family but not legally family is common. Nobody is going to think anything of it if you go in and say “this guy is basically my brother-in-law, and I don’t want any family members directly involved in my care.” On the other hand, it actively sends up red flags and invites speculation if you just go in and say “I do not want this person to care for me” and then refuse to give a reason.
And if your BIL hasn’t done anything to deserve it, you’d be a jerk for causing him that red flag.” Triton1017
4. AITJ For Indulging In My Diet Despite Losing Weight?
“My partner and I are getting married soon. I decided a while ago (for my own health) to put a balloon in my stomach to help me lose some weight.
I am f50 and weighed 222 pounds when starting. I’m now at 200 pounds. My goal is to go to 170. I still have 8 months to go.
I started really well but now my weight loss is slowing down (which is normal in this process). I started wearing smaller clothing and my partner got upset with me accusing me of “letting everything hang” and not doing a diet and being weak and lacking willpower.
He was extremely mad with me and I stayed at a friend’s house last night.
He is accusing me of indulging. Yes, a couple of days ago I indulged when I ate a bit too much and had some cocktails but I haven’t gained weight.
It is important to him that I look good and he has repeatedly asked me. I have promised him that I’ll do my best but sometimes it’s difficult especially now during menopause. He says I’m conning him. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Eesh. No, you’re NTJ.
Your partner is. I don’t even know where to start but disregard him and whether it’s ‘important to him for you to look good’. He shouldn’t be marrying you on condition that you look different to what you are now and you shouldn’t put up with that nonsense.
I’m sure you’re just as lovely as you are. Know your worth, and do what makes you happy. Drink those cocktails!” nykjhs
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner sounds, speaking honestly, entitled and mean and superficial on this. Doing your best and making very good progress should NOT be overshadowed by a few reasonable allowances and not being utterly perfect.
Some diets even recommend allowances for small indulgences, as they’re a lot less damaging to a long (and hard) journey such as weight loss than getting so discouraged and unhappy that you just give up. It’s important to not be brutal to yourself, accept that you’re human and not an endless fountain of iron will, and that real progress is a journey of many steps–some slow, some small, some big, and some stumbling backward or sideways.
The greater problem though, still I think is your partner’s attitude. He acts like you “owe him” a beautiful body and rapid progress on your weight loss journey. You don’t. The jerk in the room is him.” SFyr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s normal for weight loss to be slow, especially if you lose a lot, fast, to begin with.
Your body is adjusting. “Indulgences” are also normal when you practice self-deprivation. However, that’s beside the point. You’re not married yet. Your fiance is speaking to you like this, and relatively speaking, it’s still early days. If he’s speaking to you and diminishing you BEFORE the wedding, what will this marriage look like in 5, 10, 15 years?
It might be worth thinking about how you want your future to look, and what you want in a husband. Has he asked about your health, or is this strictly about weight and appearance for him? I am in no way saying that partnership shouldn’t involve challenging each other and expecting the best from one another.
It totally should but in a supportive, encouraging way. I wish I had known that before my first marriage. I’ve since learned it, and have never been happier.” MadMishy
3. AITJ For Telling My Rude Aunt To Screw Off After She Body Shamed Me?
“I (18M) have an aunt (39f) who is visiting my family. Ever since she came to visit, she has been rude and mean to me and my siblings. She has seemed to target me over everyone. Every time I eat or get something out to eat, she calls me fat and tells me I need to lose weight.
I am 5 feet 11 inches and I’m 200 pounds. I try to lose weight but some medication I need to take makes me gain weight. I need to take it or I get sick. I have Ulcerative Colitis. She doesn’t understand and still calls me fat and other names.
And even went ahead and called me a slur behind my back. After I got into an argument with her.
Today she asked me for my help to put away some pots and pans on a shelf because she is too short to reach. I told her no and that maybe if she was nicer to me I would help.
She told me to leave her alone and don’t talk to her anymore. I then went ahead and told her she can be a jerk sometimes and she screw off. She looked at me with disgust and said nothing. She has been telling people rumors about me ever since.
Part of me feels like calling her a jerk and telling her to screw off was uncalled for. But I don’t know.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and where are your parents in all of this? If she is concerned about your weight for health reasons, there are a million ways to go about it gracefully.
She’s just being a jerk. You need to talk to your parents about this hun. This isn’t okay. As for your health, you may want to ask your doctor about what can help you control your weight and/or help you get to a healthy/stabilized weight.
Not to please your aunt or anyone else but for your own health. Considering you’re taking medicine for a health condition, diet changes should not be done without proper research, and getting a doctor’s opinion is best. I wish you the best in this situation.
I’ve seen many patients struggle with this very situation and, sometimes, there is no easy solution. Please be gentle with yourself. Also, if it’s any consolation, I too cussed at my family member. I was 4 at the time and my grandfather was a jerk. I’m a strong believer that they reap what they sow.
In these instances, respect is not given, it’s earned. And you don’t owe any to your aunt.” NightAriaC
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “Calling her a jerk and telling her to screw off was uncalled for. But I don’t know.” Yes, you do. It wasn’t the right move.
She’s the one who used foul language first so it’s no stretch of the imagination to expect it thrown back at you. But it would behoove you to not use bad language with her. It only gives her more reason to talk badly about you.
Stay calm and tell her that your weight really is not her business and she should keep her rude opinions to herself. It’s never a good look to swear among family and she only makes herself look trashy when she does, Don’t be like her.” Ghitit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As someone with colitis who had to take steroids and also suffered from weight gain, she really can screw off. Totally unreasonable of her to even comment on your weight when it’s completely out of your control. You’ve been very patient with her comments but frankly, she’s horrible to you and you don’t owe her favours if she’s just going to be nasty to you.
Hope that your medication is helping with flares and all the best for your health.” thelazycanoe
2. AITJ For Asking My Brother To Change His Adults-Only Cruise Wedding So My Kids Can Attend?
“My brother is getting married next year.
The wedding is taking place on a cruise. It’s a 7-day cruise and the ceremony, reception, and honeymoon are all happening on the ship over that week. I’m perturbed that it is an adults-only cruise, no children are allowed on the boat. This cruise line has non-adults-only cruises that do the same route as this one, with the same wedding package available and for the same price or lower.
There are also many other cruise lines for the same area that are non-adults-only cruises and are cheaper. And for the same dates. Many of our relatives have kids and the same for his partner’s relatives. I have relatives that aren’t local, that my kids have never met or haven’t seen in a while and they will be at the wedding but my kids won’t be there and it stinks and kind of hurts that most of the family will be together again and I can’t bring my kids.
My brother and his partner are elementary school teachers and they talk about having kids and they are actively involved as an uncle and aunt. They don’t hate kids but I’m miffed they’re completely banning them from the wedding. I want to ask my brother to reconsider and choose a non-adult cruise for the wedding before the booking opens and people start buying tickets.
My sister said I would be a jerk if I asked this but it’s easy for her to say because her ex-husband and she share custody and it will be his week with my nieces and nephews anyway. So many people and families will be excluded. I’m really hurt that my own kids are being excluded from an important family event like this.
Would I be the jerk if I asked them to choose a different cruise?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ. This is THEIR wedding, not yours. “I have relatives that aren’t local, that my kids have never met or haven’t seen in a while and they will be at the wedding but my kids won’t be there and it stinks and kind of hurts that most of the family will be together again and I can’t bring my kids.” This wedding is not for your convenience.
Make your OWN arrangements to see these relatives. Your brother wants this day to be about THEM. They do not want a bunch of noisy kids running around and rightly so. Get over yourself.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m totally on board with child-free weddings, but this is more than just a wedding.
Usually, a wedding is a one-day commitment, possibly two or three days with travel. Asking for such an affair to be child-free is reasonable. This is a seven-day commitment – possibly eight or nine days with travel – which cannot be accurately described as just a wedding.
It’s a week-long family vacation which just so happens to include a wedding. It’s a de facto family reunion that requires attendees to leave the most important part of their nuclear families at home. Not only is it a big ask from that perspective, but it’s also expensive.
Flights to and from the port, likely hotel accommodation the night before and after the cruise, the cruise itself, the time away from work… and now the most expensive part might be a week and a half of childcare on top of it all. They’re basically asking you to spend enough for two family vacations on one family vacation where your kids can’t even come.
It’s too much.
Again, child-free weddings are perfectly reasonable. A child-free week is too big to be covered under the umbrella of “It’s MY wedding!!” It is their wedding, but if they want their wedding to be a weeklong family reunion then they are being unreasonable by insisting people leave their families behind.
It sounds like they want their wedding to be epically memorable, and that’s sweet and all, but there’s a limit to which you can ask others to sacrifice on your behalf before you’re being selfish. You should ask them to reconsider, and you should be prepared to suggest you might not be coming if they don’t.” TurtleTheMoon
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. YOUR BROTHER’S WEDDING IS NOT YOUR FAMILY REUNION. That was one thing I HATED when I got married. People trying to use my wedding as their get-together and disregarding what we wanted or needed. It’s their wedding and their choice full stop.
I get what you mean but honestly, it was so exhausting when people would try to invite themselves because they couldn’t wait to see everyone. No. This is not your friend/family reunion this is their wedding. Let them celebrate as they see fit and decide if you want to go or not.” Rapidbetryal
1. AITJ For Letting My Pregnant Employee Go Early After She Gave Her Two Weeks Notice?
“One of my employees put their two weeks in because they got a good job offer. I’m good with that, my job isn’t one that you are expected to be at forever. She is pregnant and was having issues working a retail job.
Since she got pregnant she has slacked off a lot with every excuse being “well I’m pregnant.” She’s only about 5 months along and the job is pretty slow most of the time you just get to hang out and play on your phone for 6 hours and talk to customers that come in.
I understood when she got a new job and it wasn’t a surprise to me because we had talked multiple times about her not coming back after she had the baby and wanting to work from home. It’s her first baby so it’s very reasonable to want to stay at home when it’s born.
Since she put her two weeks in and even before that she was always showing up late to work, calling out last minute, etc. A couple weeks before that she tried to get out of work, but couldn’t get someone to cover and ended up going in anyway.
30 minutes in she “twisted” her ankle and apparently couldn’t walk around. This happened while on the clock so I made her go get it checked out even though she really just wanted to go home. The doctor called her on it and let us know she was fine to come back to work and she requested crutches.
The next day she was completely fine walking around with no issue. I let it slide. More things like that started to happen.
Today I got a text from her that she hurt her back, couldn’t sit up or walk by herself, and that she wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow or the next day.
I wasn’t too happy because it would mean I have to cover her shifts putting me working 8 days in a row pretty much 10-12 hours a day. I was over it and she only works one day next week and figured if she’s that hurt she wouldn’t be able to come in anyway.
We talked and I let her go, she seemed super shocked and asked to get paid sick time (that she already used up the last few times she called out). I said I’ll check to see if there was any more time and that I’d make sure her vacation time was on the next check.
She reached out to me saying that she wasn’t expecting to get let go before her two weeks were up and she wanted to work the next week. If her back was that bad I doubt it would get better that fast and it’s a liability for the company to have her come to work if she could barely stand up.
One of the worst parts, we live together. I would like to say I’m good at keeping my work life separate from my personal life because that always causes issues. We don’t talk about work at home, it’s my one time to get away for a second.
I have no hard feelings toward our friendship because it has nothing to do with work. Today I didn’t want to come home because I knew it wasn’t going to be separate. Plus I can hear her talking about how much of a jerk I am for letting her go.
Am I the jerk for letting her go early when she only works one day? (She only works 3 days a week 6-hour shifts per her request and I’m covering two of her days.)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If it’s in the USA (most places) a two-week notice is a courtesy, not a contract.
You could let her go immediately, just as she could have left immediately. She’s not been reliable with attendance and is kind of a liability risk with the injury. Y’all living together was a wild twist. Doesn’t really change the analysis though as it’s an employer-employee issue.
Hopefully, it’ll just suck for a week and then she’ll like her new job and care less about what happened. If she’s going to have some problems covering bills with that missing week of work, I’d definitely give her some leeway at home as you were directly responsible for that (even though it seems like you made the right decision).” justsomeguynbd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but also not the smartest move. I had hyperemesis gravidarum during pregnancy, and it was blatantly clear to me by 8 weeks along I couldn’t work while being so ill. I put in a medical leave with my job, without pay, hoping to return when the sickness went away – unfortunately, it didn’t.
There are small adjustments that should be made for working pregnant persons, but if you aren’t completing your job’s task up to par I see no fault in employers firing you. In this situation, letting her go after she put in her 2 weeks’ notice… she could definitely file unemployment as “revenge termination”.
Then she could really decide not to even go with the other job & stay on unemployment for a while… I understand her job performance was lacking prior to being let go, it the timing of it doesn’t look good. But never live with someone you work with… especially a subordinate!” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your practices are really discriminatory. Pregnancy is a legally protected excuse for reasonable accommodations in the workplace, and you have no right to decide how her body feels. People (generally) don’t fake illnesses for benefits; they are way more likely to fake being able-bodied to avoid being shamed by their peers.
I kinda hope she realizes your mistake and that her new good job pays her enough to sue. When people do overhype their illness or injury, it’s often because people like you won’t believe they’re in pain unless they’re screaming crying, or in the fetal position.” softboicraig
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