People Tell Us To Be Gentle When Judging Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
21. AITJ For Letting My Brother Stay With Me Instead Of Our Parents' House With His Ex?
“I (m26) am in a pretty difficult situation with my family. I think I’m doing the right thing but almost everyone is saying I’m being a jerk.
I’m the oldest of four kids.
My younger brother “Ben” (m20) had been in a relationship with this girl “Emma” (f22) on and off since he was 18. They ended up breaking up at the beginning of this year because Emma had a drinking problem and was refusing to get help.
In April, Emma convinced our parents to let her stay with them because she said she had nowhere to go as her parents kicked her out.
Ben refused to stay in the house with Emma and had a huge argument with our parents over this.
He has been staying at my and my wife’s place on an air mattress. My parents were really upset about this as in their culture, kids do not move out until they are married, and even when they are, sometimes they will stay with their parents.
My parents, mainly my mom, are urging me to ask Ben to leave and go back to their home. She said Ben is overreacting and that they can’t just throw Emma out. She is also particularly upset because Ben is in a college course (which my parents pay for), and has not been going to class because my home is a 3-hour drive from the campus.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. We all know what this is. Emma wants back together with Ben, your parents want them back together so they can continue their relationship, get married, and make babies. Babytrap possibility isn’t far-fetched. Don’t know the cultural thing behind (funny thing you say their culture and not our culture) this but Ben is 20 and makes his own decision.
But you (he) really need to sort out his college thing, he cannot keep missing it for long.” fruitynutcase
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for any of it. You’re doing the right thing by your brother, and if your parents say anything else about it, remind them that at least he’s staying with family and not moving out on his own.
But your parents’ concern that he’s not attending college is valid. Do what you can to make sure he doesn’t throw his future down the drain because he’s avoiding his ex. Even if that means putting a bit of pressure on your family to kick Emma out so he can return to college.
He definitely shouldn’t be staying in the house with her under those circumstances.” Larkus_Says
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are. They are actively choosing the ex gf over their own child. Ben is entitled to go out with and break up with whomever he chooses.
He ended a relationship for his own reasons. The SO sounds like she’s struggling, and it’s wonderful that your parents want to help, but the way they went about this completely alienated their own son. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to live with an ex?
Ben is only 20 years old. They don’t have a mortgage together, or children together. It was a breakup. That’s it. Your parents are making this difficult. Not you and not Ben.” SubstantialQuit2653
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Watch My Partner's Videos Constantly?
“My (32F) partner (35M) and I have been together for almost a year. We both have different tastes in videos and things we watch on our phones or do in our free time.
My partner loves professional sports and watching YouTube recaps of certain players or things like that. It is not my thing, but sometimes I’ll humor him and watch a few minutes.
Multiple times a week he will put something on, like a YouTube video of some player’s highlights or an Instagram reel, and tell me that I absolutely need to watch it.
I’ve been in the middle of texting my sister and he forces me to put my phone down and watch whatever it is he has on the television. Sometimes I just want to read a book or watch my own show on my phone, but he tells me I’m not showing any interest in his likes and hobbies.
Some of these videos are 20+ minutes. I’ve told him many times that I do not like being forced to watch videos. I’m 100% okay with him watching them, I’m happy to put on my headphones and do my own thing.
I’d be SUPER happy to watch a show together, one that we’re mutually interested in. I’ve said this to him multiple times. He gets mad to the point of yelling sometimes when I don’t want to watch something he shoves in front of my face.
I’m at the point where instantly when he starts putting his phone in my face I get annoyed. This upsets him and makes him think I’m not interested in any of his hobbies.
I have plenty of my own interests and hobbies, though I’ve never forced him to partake or watch anything.
I once turned on The League because he told me I could pick a show. Within minutes he got angry and said he refused to watch this “preppy guy show”. Since then I have never made him watch anything. If he’s not into it, I accept it and move on/pick something we’ll both like.
He keeps saying I’m being dramatic because I don’t want to watch his videos, but it’s just not how I want to spend my free time. I’m really starting to think I’m the jerk here.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “He keeps saying I’m being dramatic because I don’t want to watch his videos.” There is literally nothing dramatic about declining to watch a video. And since he got angry and refused to watch your suggestion, he’s a massive hypocrite.
I get being excited to share your interests with someone, but it’s worth noting that can be a very selfish excitement. If you only care about sharing what you are interested in and not whether the person likes it or wants to engage, then this isn’t actually sharing or doing something cooperative, it’s demanding attention, and the activities revolve around him.
Keep a firm boundary, don’t let him treat you as badly as he has been. Don’t let him get away with the flagrant double standard.” Irish_Whiskey
Another User Comments:
“What he is doing is called a bid for intimacy.
Whether couples respond to them has been found to be one of–if not the–biggest indicator of a marriage’s success. When couples do not respond to them, the marriage has been found to fizzle in less than five years. The problem here is not that you don’t respond to his bids, as you have tried: the problem is that he does not care to respond to yours.
He sounds very selfish. I might consider pushing the point home by making a bid board. You each get five guaranteed a week. So he gets to ask you to take part in five items he wants to share. He must do the same for you.
The key, however, is to take part in the bid with an attempt at interest and with respect. If he cannot do this, the science strongly suggests that your relationship will fail, or it should fail. But really, OP whether or not you care if he takes part in your life, do you really want to spend more time with someone so self-centered and immature?” Nomellettedufromage
Another User Comments:
“You are so NTJ. Your partner feels entitled to your attention and probably gets a kick out of interrupting you doing what you want to do. Time is precious, too precious to waste watching stuff you don’t want to watch and interrupting your free time.
As for his claim that you are not interested in his hobbies? News flash to him: watching sports recaps on YouTube is not a hobby. You are allowed to have different interests in a relationship; it is healthy. For time together, you look to find a common interest, something you both want to do.
Personally, I really don’t enjoy when people shove a phone in my face to watch a video, 9/10 it’s too long and something I’m not interested in.” DS3333
19. AITJ For Telling My Sister I Don't Like Her Immature Partner?
“My sister (21F) and her partner (22M) have been together for 6 years now, since high school.
She recently graduated college and is working towards going to PA school. Her partner has not held a stable job for over a year in all this time and has not finished school yet. He’s also immature and she is always nagging him to do things otherwise he will literally do nothing.
Now that she is home from school, he is over a lot of the time using our resources and eating free meals.
Anyway, my sister and I went out for dinner recently and she was talking about how someone close to her recently got engaged and how she is expecting a proposal from her partner soon.
Her friend had said the other day that she broke up with her partner because she wanted to see what life was like without depending on that relationship and I casually mentioned that. Now she starts to get upset and I just say that he hasn’t really done anything to justify why I should like him.
She then states “He doesn’t owe you anything, you only see that side of him because that’s how he acts around you”. Basically saying that he acts immature all the time just because he wants to, or just to be annoying and get reactions since who wants to be around a man-child all day??
She then says that just because we’re sisters doesn’t mean we have to hang out, so I don’t think we will have a relationship anymore as long as he is in the picture.
Also about a year ago, he had broken up with her because “he needed to figure himself out” and she said that that was when she realized she needed him… I asked what changed and she said “nothing”.
Our parents aren’t fond of him either and we just know she can do so much better with her life and don’t want her to settle. AITJ in this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“The thing is about that specific situation, a certain personality type will isolate a s/o from their family & friends until it is “you and me against the world”, and the more the partner is disliked, the more he might appeal to her as the Only One Who Understands, and then the real bad stuff starts when they’re really alone.
I am not saying any of this is your responsibility. Just that sometimes it is good to try and stay in the picture. Sorry to sound so negative, have just seen this happen too often.” Spy-D-23
Another User Comments:
“What?!
An immature 22yo? Alert the media!!! You’re fine telling your sister you don’t like her partner personally but you need to stay out of her relationship. It’s her life, not yours and the more you push her to change things the more she’s going to resent you and move away.
Everyone’s the jerk.” yetzhragog
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t think it was a smooth way you told her, but I wouldn’t call it being a jerk either. I was in a relationship with my ex for almost two decades.
No one ever said anything bad about him, and I was even encouraged to stay with him. But he was no good at all. After divorcing him, I felt sad that no one ever helped me see how destructive he was.
I wish loved ones had told me. I wish they could have noticed how horrible he was. They could have helped me more to get out, before marriage and a child, who is now bound to him forever. It was not the best way of telling your sister, but I think it’s time to be honest. Better now than after they get married and have kids.” glorious_echidna
18. AITJ For Wanting To Spend More Time With Friends Despite Family Responsibilities?
“So I have a very tight-knit family and I live with my mother, father, 5 siblings (ages ranging from 16 to 2), grandmother, and aunt (along with 2 dogs, 2 chickens, and a cat).
I’m the oldest of my siblings and I have a lot of responsibilities. I get paid to look after my youngest siblings who have disabilities and I help look after my grandmother who is on the edge of her life according to the doctors.
I am the main caretaker of my 2 dogs and have done my job very well.
I went to go stay at my friend’s house for the night (I asked her multiple times if I could go and she was indifferent about it) she called me, guilt-tripping me about my youngest sister missing me, something she does almost every single time I stay at my friend’s house.
In the morning I messaged and asked my mother if I could stay another night, here’s basically how the conversation went. Oh, and I am currently taking testosterone and she blames my irritability on that and constantly says she doesn’t want to deal with a 14-year-old again.
Me: Any chance I can stay another night?
Mother: What about your responsibilities?
Me: Can my siblings feed the dogs?
Mother: Don’t you think they do enough for you? They filled up their bowls, watered them, and picked up after them.
They also did the dishes and the washing. Don’t you think we do enough for you?
Me: I’ll come home later then.
Mother: You don’t get to call the shots, I don’t like how you keep forgetting about your family.
Tell your friend that you are not to hang out with them until you get your priorities straight. Your nan is on her last 2 legs and all you think about is yourself, you’re gonna regret this later in life.
Me: I already thought about all that stuff, I just thought I’d ask.
Mother: Don’t put more stress on me then, stop pushing boundaries like a child, you want me to treat you like a young adult? Act like it.
I feel like some of this is unfair but I also want to take responsibility for the parts where I am wrong.”
Another User Comments:
“Need info: How old is OP? Guessing 16, but that isn’t made clear. What type of disabilities do the siblings have? Doesn’t have to be a specific name, but what kinds of limitations are you having to deal with?
What kind of care does your grandmother require? Is she basically bedridden, or can she do some things for herself and just requires a little assistance and a watchful eye? What are the actual adults doing around the house? There are 3 of them.
Do they all work full-time jobs? I don’t understand why 3 adults can’t figure out a way to manage this situation without putting that many demands on a teenager.” OGBrewSwayne
Another User Comments:
“OP, sit down with yourself and decide what YOU want to do with your life.
Is college an option? Trades school? Just simply working? Once you’ve at least gotten an idea of that, sit down with your mom and ask her what she expects of you after you finish HS (I’m making the assumption that you are in a school of some sort now, but perhaps that isn’t the case?).
Because even if it’s just working, that means YOU will be out of the house for certain periods of time. What is she gonna do when you decide to move out altogether and can no longer care for your siblings?
I have an awful feeling I know what she is gonna say, based on your post. And you should KNOW you DO NOT have to be responsible for anyone in your family outside yourself. No matter what your mom thinks and says.
NTJ.” LettheWorldBurn1776
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve taken on quite a lot of responsibility in your family already. Of course you’d like some free time to spend with a friend. Your mother is wrong to accuse you of not taking care of your responsibilities – she said that because she has to work some herself when you’re not there.
I’m very sorry – that’s really rough. I’m worried because you sound pretty depressed – which is only natural in the circumstances. Can you talk to your friends about these things? Or is there a trusted adult you could confide in?
Remember you won’t be under your mother’s control forever. Start making your plans for when you’re 18 and can get away. Start figuring out how you can start saving for the day you leave. Having plans like this to think about and look forward to would be a good thing to occupy your mind when you’re feeling low.” Global_Look2821
I'd call the CPS on your mother for that.
17. AITJ For Being Upset With My In-Laws Over Home Decor Boundaries And An Unwanted Flag?
“My (40 F) husband (39M) and I just moved into a new home with our 2 young kids. My in-laws and I have always struggled with boundaries, especially my mother-in-law.
I admit I am a bit particular about home decor and clothing, etc. I have a pretty strong sense of style. My husband is really go with the flow and doesn’t really have much of a sense of style so defers to me.
I probably should have seen it as a red flag that his mom bought his clothes and did his laundry until we moved in together. To be clear I don’t do either now as he is a grown person and I think he can handle those tasks himself.
I mean, I’ll throw his laundry in with mine, but I don’t go out of my way to do those tasks for him. We both work full-time.
Anyhow, I digress. So my mother-in-law constantly brings things to our house to decorate.
She has never had a job and spends most of her time at the mall buying gifts for other people. I appreciate that she is trying to do a nice thing by giving gifts. But she is constantly bringing things over that we don’t want or need. Every time she comes over she brings gifts.
Multiple times a week. I’ve asked her and my husband has asked her more than 10 times to stop bringing things. They typically don’t fit my taste and I hate that I end up with a lot of stuff I don’t know what to do with aside from donate.
Anyhow at our last home, they brought us an American flag to put up on our front porch. I’m politically very left-leaning and feel the flag has become more of a symbol for the right. Maybe I’m wrong.
But I’ve heard others express the sentiment too. At our last house, we said thank you and the flag went into storage. They asked why we didn’t put it up a few times and we just kinda said this or that and it never came up again.
So back to our new house. They brought one over last night and it was up on my front porch before I even knew what was happening. I was upset. I’ve been working nonstop to make our new home a lovely place to live functionally and aesthetically.
And this was just my breaking point. I want to make decisions about what goes on the facade of my home. My husband seemed to think I was overreacting and my mother-in-law said you can’t be this upset about a flag.
I said it wasn’t just about the flag. It’s about boundaries. She said and I quote “because you have to control everything” as she looked up from reading my 4-year-old a book. I’m beyond angry.
More background: my husband is an on and off again recovering heavy drinker.
More recently not so recovered. He has been going through detox for the last week while I care for the home and the children. I’m on edge. So I got pretty snappy and was pretty short and rude. I spent some time in the garage trying to self-regulate but couldn’t adequately get myself to stop being a bit of a jerk.
So much so that they decided to leave before dinner. Not my finest moment. I feel guilty that I was being snappy toward them but I also feel like my emotions were trampled all over. Am I crazy?”
Another User Comments:
“You know, you don’t need excuses for it to be all right for you (and your partner, should he choose to participate) to have complete control over the decoration of your home. It is your home. And not your MIL’s home.
I’m sorry you’re having a really stressful time, but even if everything were butterflies and rosebuds at your house, your MIL still doesn’t get to decorate your house if you don’t want her to. (The fact that your spouse is willing to go along with her to avoid making waves doesn’t count as a decorating choice.) It doesn’t matter if you’re talking American flags, rainbow flags, or skull and crossbones flags, it’s still no one else’s choice.
I would go with, “Yes, I do have to control the decoration of my own home. I appreciate that you’ve been trying to help, but the fact remains that we have very different taste, and this has to stop. Right now.” And here is the part your husband should have said, and probably would have if he weren’t having such a hard week: “Should you ever say something negative about my wife regarding how she has to control everything, particularly in front of our child, you will be persona non grata in this house.
I will not tolerate the disrespect nor the undermining of my wife as a parent.” NTJ.” Nester1953
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mil overstepped. It is never appropriate for someone to dictate how another person should decorate their home or what they should display on their property.
Your husband needs to step up and tell her that this is his and your home, not hers, and she has no right to do that. You shouldn’t be the one having to have this conversation with her. Side note: I’m not at all advocating for you to hang the flag, but I just want to put this option out into the universe in case anyone else might be so inclined – I’ve seen American flags hung in homes in conjunction with liberal lawn signs or other humanitarian flags.
It’s quite lovely to see the flag being represented with actual American values (diversity, inclusion, etc.). It negates the hyper-nationalist perversion of the flag and redefines it back to its meaning of “all men are created equal” and “with liberty and justice for all”” Helloreddit0703
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Such classic DARVO from your MIL. Let’s break it down. She denies that she trampled over your boundaries. (She did, and your boundaries are completely reasonable.) She attacks you by saying “You can’t be this upset about a flag.” (She’s undermining you by making it seem like you overreacted. It was never just about the flag.) She reversed the victim and offender by saying “Because you have to control everything,” making you out to be overly controlling and when she’s the one trying to decorate someone else’s house.
It’s completely understandable why you had to go out to cool down, it’s exhausting trying to talk to a manipulator. Plus, your husband is no help at all. Hopefully, these comments can help you stand firm and see through her nonsense.
Oh, and btw, I wouldn’t call what she gives you “gifts”. Gifts are supposed to be thoughtful and have the recipient in mind. The garbage she keeps dumping on you is actually giving you more work.” AzKitty
16. AITJ For Being Upset My Husband Drank My Homemade Vanilla Extract During His Relapse?
“My husband is in recovery for substance abuse.
It’s been a rough few years dealing with his struggles. He finally started working on recovery in December of last year after over two years of him drinking, abusing some OTC and other things you can legally purchase, and for a while he was misusing his Adderall and stealing mine.
He had a relapse in April for about three weeks that I found out about after the fact. We had all been sick and he was sleeping on the couch because of his snoring while sick and apparently, he was staying up drinking after I went to bed.
I found out and we worked through it and he got back on the right track. Fast forward to today when I’ve been having a really hard day and honestly don’t know why exactly. I’m almost definitely autistic (our daughter has been diagnosed and we are exactly alike but I haven’t), so sometimes I do have big reactions and feelings.
I think the transition from school to summer vacation is just taking a toll on me and I feel burnt out and overwhelmed. So I went for a drive to have some alone time. When I got home I went to make some food and a drink and noticed my homemade vanilla extract looked weird.
I asked my husband if it looked weird and he confessed he had drank some of it during his relapse and then added water so I wouldn’t know. I immediately started crying. I know that sounds silly but it takes a year to fully finish vanilla extract and that was the only jar I had and he added water to cover up his behavior so it will most likely spoil now due to not having a high enough booze content, not that I know exactly what it is because he is the one who added the water, not me.
I got upset and told him so and he basically said I couldn’t be mad because it happened months ago. I feel that since I just found out today it doesn’t really matter when it happened I’m allowed to feel hurt and upset.
I didn’t get super upset until he tried to deflect and act like it shouldn’t be a big deal to me. Had he just owned his mistakes and apologized I would have moved on. I’d still be hurt but I wouldn’t have gotten “mad”.
He left to go to a meeting but still thinks I’m in the wrong for “getting mad at him” about something that happened so long ago. So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For one thing, you can’t control your feelings.
For another, yes, it happened a couple of months ago (which isn’t that long ago, anyway) and you did find out about the relapse before this, but he didn’t tell you everything. He wasn’t fully honest. There might still be more he hasn’t told you.
Who knows? It’s hard to trust when there’s been so much lying. He’s turning it around on you to avoid taking accountability, which is dangerous for a heavy drinker. Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? It might be good for you to get some support for yourself concerning his drinking.” SoMuchMoreEagle
Another User Comments:
“No. Just because HE is past it doesn’t mean you have to be. This is all new information for you and he needs to face the consequences of his actions – no matter when they come up.
His actions are impacting you now, and he needs to take responsibility – not shove it under the rug. He ruined something of yours that took a long time to make. It doesn’t matter when it happened. He did this and you are finding out now.
Just because it was in the past doesn’t mean you have no right to be upset or mad at him. He is completely disregarding your very valid feelings because he doesn’t want to feel bad about something he is past. I really think you need couples therapy, if it is accessible to you.
Completely NTJ.” Catbunny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But a few things to consider. This manipulation/deflection is part and parcel of the addictive personality. It is always going to be his first temptation to respond this way. When he gets serious about his recovery and learns to take responsibility for his actions, he will get better at not giving in to the temptation to manipulate and deflect.
It may be worth considering whether it’s a good idea to invest so much time and effort into making homemade vanilla extract if it’s going to present him with a temptation to drink the booze it contains. I’m not trying to shame or blame you, I’m just offering food for thought.
Can you give that up for the sake of eliminating temptation? I agree with the suggestion to go to Al-Anon yourself.” Independent_Prior612
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Drive My Wife To Work On My WFH Days?
“My wife and I, both in our 30s, have worked in the same office for almost 6 years now. Before we worked 5 days a week and we lived 5 mins from the office. I had no issues driving her to and from the office.
All the while I have been asking her to learn to drive. We live in a state where you can’t get around with public transport.
Now, our office follows a hybrid work schedule and we have relocated to a new apartment roughly 20 minutes from the office.
AITJ for not wanting to drop and pick her up from the office on my WFH days?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her she has a few choices: 1. She can change her work schedule so it matches yours. 2. She can learn to drive and get a license.
3. She can take an Uber/taxi. 4. She can walk or ride a bike. 5. Or she can take over some more of the tasks you don’t enjoy since driving her is now a chore to you. (Take away any choice above you don’t want her to pick though?) Basically though, have a conversation and get to the root of the issue.
It is possible that one car fits your family better though and if you don’t have one while she is working, it could suck for you? So choose wisely!” Trick_Delivery4609
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for wanting your wife to learn to drive so she can get herself to work on the days you WFH.
This is a basic skill all capable adults should have. Don’t know what her problem is in not having mastered this skill earlier, but it’s time she conquered whatever she needs to learn to drive. Be gentle but firm in your expectation.
Enroll her in a professional driving school if necessary. It’s not reasonable for her to expect you to continue to chauffer her wherever she wants to go (as clearly it’s not just about giving her a ride to work). In the end, she will love the freedom being able to drive gives a person.” Realistic_Head4279
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell her that it has become obvious that she will keep delaying finding any other solution for as long as you keep driving her — so you are no longer driving her. It’s on her from now on.
She has to get her license and until she does she has to pay for Ubers, ride a bike, whatever she works out. It’s suddenly a huge hassle and expense? That’s the point. You paying the price instead of her by giving up countless hours of your time hasn’t been a temporary stop-gap while she gets her license or finds another solution — she obviously sees you driving her as the solution for as long as you will do it.
You are no longer doing it. Stick to your guns past any reaction she has and she will get her act together. She will have to. Don’t let her lay any guilt trips on you, either. Just keep reminding her that you helped out for years until you finally realized that she had settled into a comfortable rut and you were just enabling that.
Why not offer that once she starts taking driving lessons you will drive her again? You don’t mind genuinely helping, but you driving her is not the permanent solution, so unless she is actually taking regular lessons you won’t drive her.
You refuse to enable her to put off getting her license forever.” kurokomainu
14. AITJ For Asking My Brother To Reimburse Me For Babysitting Expenses?
“My brother (35M) called me (26F) at 6 am to babysit my niece so he could go donate plasma.
I told him to wait until around 9-10 am for my girls to wake up, and then he could drop her off, with the understanding that it would only be for a few hours.
He drops her off and doesn’t give me a status update until after 7 pm to say “there’s a lot of people at the donation place we just left, and we’re gonna go to get groceries so can you watch her for a couple more hours?”
I also had errands to run, so I took his daughter with us, and after, we planned to stop and buy something to eat for dinner. I asked him for $15 for the snacks and fast food I bought for her today.
Mind you, this is the 100th time he has dropped his daughter off with me to babysit and doesn’t respond for 10+ hours.
So with no response from him or his partner, I arrive at my mom’s at 9 pm to drop my niece off to hand off babysitting so I can put my girls to sleep.
When I arrive, my brother’s baby momma is standing in the driveway (???) and plucks my niece out of the car without her happy meal and drives away.
This is the response from my brother after I asked him to pay for the money I spent on his daughter for the day:
“I’m sorry but can I pay you tomorrow? I’m all outta money already Imma try n hustle some gift cards tonight and tomorrow for some funds.”
The next is with his baby momma who left without her happy meal I bought for her daughter…
“Wow really I see that you’re really upset about having to buy a meal for YOUR NIECE, MY DAUGHTER okay I get it, it’s all about the money. I got you. Don’t worry I will be giving you the money that you HAD to spend unwillingly on your niece.
BUT just know that I am making it clear right now that niece will not be able to spend time with you or vice versa. Just to avoid any of this drama or wrongdoing towards my child.”
Is anyone else’s siblings or family like this!?
AITJ!? I just don’t know what to do, I think my brother is taking advantage of me. I have four girls of my own and I just feel like they don’t care or mind that they don’t respond when they are out of reach the entire day to coordinate pickup.”
Another User Comments:
“So, your brother was selling his plasma, and the mother of their child had to go to keep a grown man company, and not stay home with her child?? Or did she sell her plasma too? There is no way the b***d bank was an all-day event.
Even if the place was “packed”. It takes at the most (after the first visit) 1 hour to 1.5 hrs. What do they do instead of working or looking for work? Substance use, drinking? Stealing gift cards? You may find yourself with custody of your niece one day.” ReasonableDivide1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Take a screenshot of your SIL’s message. Set up a group chat with your mom, brother, and SIL. In a message to them all: 1. thank Bro and SIL for realizing that you are not a good fit for their childminding requirements, 2.
you appreciate their sincerity and you also agree that you will not be looking after your niece moving forward, 3. thank them for taking such a rational position and for choosing to “avoid drama”. Watch as Bro and SIL desperately try to back peddle and retract.
Repeat as needed. If their calls and texts are too much, send the group chat a message that you’ll be muting/ blocking their numbers…Your mother, sadly, will need to set up her own boundaries, but that’s on her.” lejosdecasa
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Simply reply to SIL, “Perfect.” Your brother and SIL are mooching users of you (and likely most other people). Do not say yes to babysitting again. You know that it will be for the whole day, no matter what they tell you beforehand.
You know they will dump her feeding and care on you and give you grief for the cost of it. You know they will (1) be ungrateful and (2) threaten you with the loss of access to your niece for expecting them to take any responsibility.
You also know their threats about the niece are meaningless. They still want you to give them free, all-day, last-minute childcare. So they won’t actually cut off contact. To answer your question. This is not normal sibling behavior. (There are others who act like your brother/SIL, but they are not the norm, nor are they healthy relationships.) If you do ever agree to watch their child again, tell them they have to give you $20 upfront.
If you don’t get stuck with their child for hours past when they said they would be done/ you don’t have to spend anything feeding her; then you will return the money. Tell them if they don’t like it, they can find someone else to lie to about their plans and be ungrateful to about the care given their child.” swillshop
13. AITJ For Washing My Clothes In The Sink While Traveling?
“When I first got to this accommodation 5 weeks ago, I asked my host mother if there were any rules she’d like me to abide by so that we are on the same page and so that I don’t unknowingly do something deemed inappropriate.
She told me no and that the company I booked with would go over all the rules during orientation the following day… Never once during orientation did they state washing our own socks/undergarments with our own body wash in the sink is strictly prohibited, nor does it say that on the packet of rules we were given.
So, when I asked my host mom yesterday if there was space on the clothes rack for me to lay out my undergarments to dry, I thought nothing of it. Especially since I’ve laid them out to dry several times before since I’ve been here (there’s usually plenty of space, this is just the 1st time I asked permission).
It also isn’t uncommon in the solo traveler/backpacker world to bring a few undergarments/socks to save packing space and simply wash them weekly or so in the sink.
My host mom and I have always gotten along very well, so when she came to my room door upset, 5 minutes after I hung the undergarments up to tell me that the company doesn’t allow us to wash our own clothes, I was surprised because clearly, this is her own rule that she arbitrarily made up.
She told me to look it up on the sheet of paper I was given, as I said, it wasn’t there, so then she told me to call. As I was in the room looking up their number, she came back with the manager on the phone.
The manager said that it was inappropriate to wash my undergarments in the bathroom sink… what’s the difference between someone taking a bird bath and washing undergarments in a sink? Rinsing a b****y nose down the drain? What exactly makes it inappropriate because lots of gross things go down the drain all the time… like bacteria from fecal matter when some people wash their hands.
Honestly, I’m taken aback by my host mother’s behavior. This whole time I thought she would be grateful to not have to touch my undergarments when washing my laundry. What if they accidentally get stained with period b***d? I’m just supposed to leave it there for her to wash in a week?
That’s humiliating and an invasion of privacy, not to mention ruined clothes because the b***d would just sit on them. My speculation is that since we have to pay for laundry service from our host parent based on the quantity of the load, she sees it as less money that she could be earning.
I think that it’s absurd to tell someone they aren’t allowed to wash their own undergarments and socks with their own body wash. I could see if I were trying to wash whole garments of clothing, but those are intimate wear which can get stained from discharge and socks get very stinky especially when traveling.
Some people (like me) may not feel comfortable with others washing those particular items. I also only brought 3 pairs of socks to travel light.
Thinking about getting a refund for my host stay and moving to a hotel. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Nope, you’re not in the wrong here. If there were no clear rules about it, you didn’t do anything wrong. Your host mom should have communicated her expectations better. Washing socks and undergarments in the sink isn’t weird, especially for travelers.
It sounds like she’s more concerned about potential lost laundry money. Honestly, if it keeps being a hassle, maybe finding a different place to stay could be less stressful for you. Your comfort matters!” fluid_paradox21
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
The details are somewhat confusing but it sounds like this is a cultural difference issue, not a rules issue. You are uncomfortable with her washing your undergarments, she’s uncomfortable with you washing things in the sink (that may seem normal and harmless to you but as you see from some reactions here, some people see it as unhygienic – we don’t know where you are or what cultural norms you are each working with), and it sounds like this company has some rule around washing your own clothes.
Best to take a few steps back and clarify with your host mom and the company what are the cultural norms and rules at play, and try to come up with a compromise that meets your respective needs. Come at it not from a perspective of “who is the jerk” but rather focusing on the problem you are trying to solve + trying to understand where the other person is coming from.
In the end, if it’s a conflict between two cultural norms, you may need to defer to your host – “when in Rome” and all that.” antizana
Another User Comments:
“If you’d still like to wash separately you could consider getting a bucket or bowl to wash in and then dumping the water in the toilet?
I think you’re NTJ. But you do have to live with this woman, yes? If it were me I’d see how I could still wash these things on my own without putting them in the sink. I’ve also heard of small hand crank buckets with an agitator that are meant for just a few pieces of clothing.
This woman has clearly never done hand washing in such a way or seen others do it. While it’s not strange, she’s never seen it. She probably didn’t think to make it part of her “rules” that she gives guests.
She’s behaved in a way that was quite rude, but I would bet that it’s due to her own ignorance.” jwmuetterties
12. AITJ For Being Upset About My Sister's Friends Vandalizing Our Fence?
“Today after everyone else left the house (my mom’s home) I went out to tend to my garden and was greeted by inappropriate graffiti on our fence. My sister’s 2 guy friends (16 and 17 years old) decided it would be funny to take the spray paint I had been using for a project and vandalize our fence.
I called my sister to ask who did it and why and when asked they had no reason for doing it and “forgot” to wash off the spray paint, the PERMANENT spray paint specifically made for wood. Who does that at another person’s house???
I feel like this is incredibly disrespectful but no one else seems to be reacting, am I overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, those kids should learn to have some respect, if they are not taught at home then someone else needs to step in because if no one will teach them respect for other people’s property they will grow up and do more bad things.
At an early age if they can be scolded then scold them, if not then report to the police for some property damage, that way maybe their parents will also be informed so that they can start teaching their children how to behave accordingly.” lauraacristina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ to make the request, but (from your other comments) this isn’t your house. These kids sound like real pieces of work. I’d recommend calmly approaching your parent(s) and telling them that you’re (a) frustrated by what happened, and (b) think that your parent(s) should call theirs and have them come repaint or repair the fence.
It won’t happen again after that. Be persuasive, not emotional/reactionary. Focus on getting some results instead of (rightful) anger. You also have the right to tell them that they’re immature jerks next time you see them, but I wouldn’t expect much remorse.” BulgingKegelMuscles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and honestly I’d get the police involved to scare the daylights out of them and then make them pay you to clean it up (I wouldn’t trust them to do it right and never trust the group of kids together again).
From then on the rule is they can only be over when a grown adult is over and willing to watch them because they have demonstrated they cannot be trusted. “Boys being boys” is them being silly and stupid where the only harm is to themselves and their ego.
Vandalism is not boys being boys.” Ok-disaster2022
11. AITJ For Not Deep Cleaning My House Before Selling It As-Is?
“I am a first-time home seller.
We closed last month. Prior to moving out, I asked our realtor if I needed to have the house cleaned. Our realtor confirmed that no, we did not need to have the home cleaned, as our contract states the home was being sold “as is.” She further stated that it was not an expectation that we would have it professionally cleaned prior to moving out.
I also knew the buyers were planning to do some construction on the house prior to moving in, so I figured the house would get dirty from that and they’d clean it once construction was finished. The buyers did a walk-through prior to closing with no comments, and we also accommodated their multiple requests to coordinate with their contractors so they could come by and take measurements.
Several days after we moved out, we heard from our realtor that the buyers wanted to withhold some of our rent back deposit for deep cleaning of the house, cleaning of the fireplace (it was not cleaned out prior to any open house/the house being sold), and “dead plants” in the backyard.
The items they specifically listed as needing to be cleaned were not clean prior to closing (ie: fireplace, under the kitchen sink, or oven), and the plants they listed as being dead are either seasonal so turn brown in the summer (when we moved out) and green in the spring (when they bought the house) or were dead when they bought it (staging pictures prove that.).
They are upset that the yard looked lush and green in the spring when they bought it and looks like it hasn’t been watered in a while now. We live in a part of California that is hot and dry in the summer, and the plants we planted in the yard are native to the area to withstand the summers and droughts we often have, but they do naturally turn brown in the summer (ie: ca poppies).
I understand that it would suck to move into a house you feel isn’t up to your standards of cleaning and having to clean up someone else’s mess (even if you unknowingly contractually agreed to.) I also understand that it can be surprising and upsetting to see what looks like several dead plants in the backyard when you remember things being more green.
I don’t think we’re jerks because of the plant situation (I honestly don’t even know what to say about that…)
But AITJ for not deep cleaning the house prior to moving out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Listen to your realtor.
She’s the professional you have hired to help you through this process. “Our contract states the home was being sold “as is.”” That’s pretty straightforward. “I also knew the buyers were planning to do some construction on the house prior to moving in, so I figured the house would get dirty from that and they’d clean it once construction was finished.” Also very common and that makes deep cleaning kind of pointless.
“They are upset that the yard looked lush and green in the spring when they bought it … but they do naturally turn brown in the summer.” Oh, well there’s the problem. You sold to morons.” mmmmm_pi
Another User Comments:
“Normally I’m all for “Leave it like you’d want to move into it” but you asked if it was something you needed to do, and were told no by the realtor. If the new buyers have an issue, it needs to go through the realtor, not you.
That realtor has already made a hefty sum on the sale of the house, so they are likely wanting to wash their hands of it. NTJ. If you have contractual language, texts, or emails saying that you did not need to do those things, cite them and move on with it.
If they withhold money, you need to speak to a real estate attorney before going any further with this. I’d also kindly send them an email about the plants, are they an out-of-state buyer? Do they not understand how plants work?
I live in the PNW and know that my lawn turns brown every summer with the lack of watering, and comes back every fall and is green through late spring/early summer each year.” Discount_Mithral
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It doesn’t sound like you left food in the fridge and literal garbage strewn around, but that it just wasn’t deep cleaned. They bought the house “as is” and are now trying to suck more money out of you. As for the plants, maybe throw them a bone and explain to your realtor what you did to us and they can relay it back to their realtor.
Remind the realtor that you were accommodating for their contractors to come in to do measurements and stuff too. I’ve bought and sold a few houses and usually, the buyer only gets a couple of visits, so you guys were very gracious with that.” Caspian4136
10. AITJ For Not Attending SIL's Business Events Due To Last Minute Invites?
“My (50f) SIL (44) has events for her business throughout the year. I’m not sure of the timeframe for how she contacts my other sisters (60, 54, and 41) when she sends out invites, but she consistently sends invites to me the day of the event, with a couple having been sent the day of and in the midst of whatever was going on.
I guess we don’t ‘outwardly’ have an issue, however, my brother (36) has come to me a few times telling me how she feels like I don’t support her because I don’t make it a point to come to her events.
I basically told him I don’t care because she always sends these invites as afterthoughts – never says anything when we see each other during the week but the event day comes and I get this ‘Oh yeah come and buy some stuff!’ kind of text.
Asking if I’m the jerk because, like clockwork, I’ve seen this woman 3 times this week and nothing was said other than some talk about their pets. This morning? I get a text asking me to come to her event this afternoon to support her business.
I don’t have anything special planned, but I ain’t going to the party either. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OMG, I had this exact issue with my SIL. She would call my parents on a Wed and invite them for Sunday dinner.
My mother would ask me on Fri or Sat if I was going, as well, and I wouldn’t know anything about it. My SIL would call me at like 12 pm on Sun and apologize for the late invite. But I always knew she didn’t like me any more than I liked her, so not a big loss.
NTJ. But don’t let her get away with spinning this. Find a way to show your brother what she’s doing, but regardless, forget her.” EchoThis2
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I am curious though, what did your brother say when you told him she invites you as an afterthought?
Also, I would respond to her text by stating that as long as she continues to invite you on the day of the event as an afterthought you will not be attending. If she doesn’t like it it’s up to her to change it.
At least you are making her accountable for her actions. If she gets angry and never invites you again so be it! These so-called business meetings are nothing more than exploiting family and friends for money!!!!!!” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“My wife and I have told our families that we just don’t do things when we’re invited less than 48 hours before an event. We plan our days out and almost always have something planned for the next 2-3 days out.
We’ve literally missed birthday parties and a graduation party because they waited until the day before to ask us. This drives me crazy when people get mad at that point. I understand you completely, NTJ.” GirlDad2023_
9. AITJ For Telling My Brother He Doesn't Fit Kpop Beauty Standards?
“My little brother is 12 and recently he saw this video that was an audition casting for the big K-pop company HYBE, which has groups such as BTS and all. He immediately jumped to tell our mom about it, saying he wants to be part of a K-pop group and live in Korea, he specifically idolizes the group Riize, which is an SM boy group.
The thing is, he’s not Korean and doesn’t fit the K-pop beauty standards. I know how toxic the K-pop industry is, seeing as I’m a K-pop fan myself and think it’s a silly idea. He has next to no chance of getting accepted and I told him that.
He kept watching a lot of videos on how to get accepted and such and kept asking me if he fit the beauty standard and if he had certain features (he doesn’t) and I told him he doesn’t have the appearance to be a K-pop idol.
He took offense to that. I told him if he wanted to be famous so bad he could be a normal singer.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone here saying YTJ, obviously don’t know just how harsh the K-pop industry is. Y’all think it’s the same as Western culture.
The reality is that it’s not. If you’re not Asian/Korean and don’t have specific beauty standards they look for, it’s hard to make it into the K-pop industry. It can happen, but you’ll have a hard time. They judge heavily on appearance.
Not even appearance, but you will go through harsh ridicule from everyone. You will get ridiculed for everything. Your brother is a 12-year-old kid, most of us K-pop fans agree that that age is way too young to be a K-pop idol.
If he were to be let in, chances are he would go through harsh depression, ridicule, and have to be on a strict eating diet (even to the point of being severely underweight and passing out). I’ve been a K-pop fan for years on end, it’s too harsh for a kid and a lot of us are against kids joining it.” Dry_Laugh_9901
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if he doesn’t fit the beauty standards the company will strongly recommend getting surgery done. It really comes down to talent as well, if he doesn’t have extremely strong skills in singing/rap and dancing he won’t pass the first round.
I have several friends who auditioned and did pass but their current f****l structure and now is vastly different. Some not so much but every company will strongly recommend getting some type of surgery. I know very well that SM it’s required since it’s outlined in their contract.” antonio9201
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. “Hey, it’s great that you got this thing that you want to do, but you have to remember that you’re only 12. Keep working and practicing your singing and dancing and you can revisit the idea of auditions when you’re an adult,” doesn’t belittle your brother.
Encourages working towards a goal. Shows you support your brother when he has dreams. “You’re too ugly to be a K-pop star, don’t even bother. Give up,” belittles and insults your brother. Discourages him from having dreams and working towards them.
Shows that he can not count on you to support him. Now, which one of these options do you think is better?” Rega_lazar
8. AITJ For Refusing To Fund My Entitled Sister's Summer Vacation If She Leaves Early?
“I helped raise my sister and our brother (18m). They acted like normal kids, and I often got chewed out by our mom (55f) for complaining about it.
I had no one to care for me, and our parents were more lenient with them than with me. I was parentified at 10 when my brother was born. Earlier this year, I encouraged my sister to stay with us due to some things that happened to her.
I wanted to protect her and keep her mind off things, but apparently, that’s not good enough since I don’t have the funds to be a cash cow for her.
We have only been home for THREE days; she’s been hiding in her room most of the time, but when she comes out, she complains about things, like how we don’t have soda, ice cream, and chips.
She can’t handle that the kids (7m, 5f, 2m) are loud and occasionally talk back. I’ve explained that’s how kids are, especially kids who are ND and on medications for a neurological condition that causes behavioral problems. She’s been complaining since the day we got home that she’s bored and wants to go home.
I told her she hasn’t given me a chance to figure out plans for us. The other day, she told me, “I wish you guys had funds so you could take me shopping and buy whatever I want.” I told her, “Just going on this California trip and two summer birthdays within 3.5 weeks of each other is using up any extra funds I’d have.”
She asked yesterday if I could meet our parents halfway after we get back from California, which would be July 4th. I told her no, I can’t do that because I won’t have the funds to drive 7 hours one way to drop her off with our parents.
She also wants to do stuff without my kids because they’re too much for her. Before she came to stay with us, I explained that the kids are with me 24/7 because my husband (28m) works two jobs, so time away from my kids is extremely rare.
I have our mom telling me how to parent/discipline my kids, all while enabling my sister to leave on July 4th. I already have plans for July 4th with my three kids. My parents will cancel their trip to visit us in August if they come and get my sister in July, which I think is unfair to my kids, as they only get to see their grandparents once a year (we live in separate states).
My mom is enabling my sister and told me it’s my fault for pushing her to stay the whole summer. I get that she’s bored, wants space, is homesick, anxious, and has withdrawals.
I’ve told her and our mom that if she decides to go home right after we return from California (end of June to the beginning of July), then she’s not going with us.
I’ll be spending over $1k for her plane ticket (we willingly paid for this), a ticket to Universal, food, and souvenirs just for her to go home as soon as we get back. That makes me feel extremely used, and I’m not okay with that.
AITJ for telling her to stick it out until August and that she’s not going to California with us if she wants to leave as soon as we get back? AITJ for feeling used at this point? AITJ for being hurt?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone Sucks Here. I don’t understand why you are so stuck on her staying with you when she doesn’t want to. Never once in the history of the world has a teenager been sent to stay with relatives for the summer and not spent the whole time complaining about how they’d rather be home.
And did you only want to bring her on vacation with you if she also spent the whole summer sitting around your house like a puppy waiting for your attention? You’re not a jerk if you don’t want to take her on vacation because she’s being whiny and ungrateful.
Pretty much everything else in this post is *you* needlessly creating drama by not understanding that not everyone feels how you want them to.” 1568314
Another User Comments:
“Everyone Sucks Here – Congrats, you temporarily adopted a teenager. Yes, she’s entitled and selfish.
She’s also removed from her social circle and usual lifestyle at home. You mention it’s only been three days – did you expect her to suddenly become a different person after three days in a new environment? You also mention that there are issues you’re trying to help her manage.
It sounds like you’re trying to do the right thing here and ultimately I don’t fault you for not wanting to pay for a vacation here. But it does sound like you might’ve bitten off more than you can chew.” Aestro17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s obviously dealing with some stuff. You did an admirable thing trying to help her, but teens will be teens. Give her the decision, leave with no trip, or stick it out. But make her stick to her decision, it will teach her accountability.” teacat888
7. AITJ For Canceling Plans With My Partner After He Forgot About Them?
“My (30m) partner (30m) and I have been in a really strained place for the last few months.
A lot of petty arguments and just insensitive behavior. We’ve spoken almost every day but we haven’t actually seen each other in probably over a month.
I complained to him about always making plans and that I wanted him to make more of an effort to initiate plans.
Unfortunately, the day he spontaneously decided to make a plan, I took an extra shift at work and he got mad that I wasn’t readily available. He said he would never do it again. This felt unreasonable to me, but a friend said that he was valid in his anger since I was the one who was complaining initially and didn’t follow through.
I didn’t agree as the plans were out of the blue and I accepted the shift before I even knew about them but I digress.
I decided to make plans to meet up. I was shot down as he said he was working/busy but he never offered an alternate.
So I said I would try to plan something for a different day. I told him to be free for Wednesday to hang out. He said it would depend on what we were doing. This made me mad a bit because to me it shouldn’t really matter.
Were you going to not see me because I didn’t plan something to your liking? Anyway, I messaged him that it would be lunch and a movie (even threw in a surprise spa session). He said “okay, that’s fine.”
So the day before I called to confirm we were still good to go.
I called him multiple times and when he answered you could hear that he was drinking. It was like 5:30 on Tuesday! He rushed me off the phone as he was with his friends.
I messaged him “if we were still good for tomorrow?
Should we reschedule?” I don’t want to go with him anywhere if he has a hangover and he has a habit of drinking to excess. I never got an answer. I messaged him every hour if he was okay. I called him 3 hours later, 3 times, and on the third time, he finally answers sounding annoyed. I asked him what his problem was?
He said he never had his phone with him.
I asked again if we were good for tomorrow and his response was “what’s happening tomorrow?” I was mad and said forget the whole thing and that if hanging out wasn’t important to him that I wasn’t going to press the subject.
I canceled everything and decided to take an extra shift at work.
He’s claiming that when he said “why? What’s happening tomorrow?” He was asking ME to confirm plans and time. He said clearly he was busy and couldn’t answer his phone and me trying to cancel so abruptly means that I never wanted to hang out with him to begin with.
He’s calling me the jerk for canceling our plans because I didn’t get a response from him.
It’s worth noting that I didn’t get any response from him until an hour after I had canceled the plans. So am I the jerk because I was too ready to cancel the plans?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s the jerk here. It seems obvious that he doesn’t value your time, your preferences, seeing you, or value the relationship at all but he’s not willing to tell you. You’re chasing someone who doesn’t want a relationship.
If you haven’t seen him in a month and you live 30-45 min apart, the message is clear.” C_Majuscula
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First, that friend of yours has bad insight. You don’t need to drop everything – even if you could – the ONE time your partner suddenly wants to make plans.
You have a job, you agreed to take a shift, and your partner has 29 other days in a month to make a plan to hang out. Second, your partner’s response is also unreasonable. He tries ONE time, you have a valid reason why you can’t hang out, and he decides he never has to try again?
I hope you realize how manipulative and lazy that is because he gets to wash his hands of all your complaints because he suggested plans one time and you couldn’t do it. Third, run from this man. He won’t make plans with you, he isn’t coming to the table to figure out the issue, and even when you make the plans, he makes it as hard as possible to actually go through with the plans, and he is gaslighting you.
I know, overused terms, but he is reframing reality to make you wonder if you are doing something wrong. You tried for hours to just get a simple answer, once you finally were like “forget it”, suddenly he is like – those last hours and communications were totally not what actually happened, and I was great, you were the problem.
Finally, you haven’t seen each other in a month, are still fighting, and he can’t put aside time to make plans and follow through, he can’t even take 10 minutes to CONFIRM plans you have already made. You deserve better, it sounds like honestly he has already moved on from the relationship, and now you should too.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, it seems like this relationship has run its course and he wants you to call time on it. He makes no effort for you but he’s able to rush you off the phone because he’s out drinking with ‘friends’.
Sorry, OP. He’s just no longer into you like that anymore. And to be honest, it sounds like you’re just about over being his partner, too.” moew4974
6. AITJ For Calling My Half-Brother A Terrible Older Sibling?
“I, 16M, have a complicated living situation. Basically, my dad was unfaithful to my stepmum with my mum, and that made me. For some reason she stayed with him, I don’t know why so now I have 2 families, my dad’s one, where I am the youngest of 4 and my mum’s where I am the oldest of 2.
Most of my dad’s other kids were fine with me because you know, didn’t ask to be born lol. Other than Gavin. Gavin is 24 and hated my guts growing up. He’s the closest with his mum and thus deemed my existence to be a blight upon all of humanity.
To put it lightly, he was a terrible older sibling.
Recently, he’s been trying to make up for it, saying things like I don’t understand how hard it is to be the oldest and he had pressure, he couldn’t be perfect all the time.
But I have a younger sister now too and I’ve never treated her like he treated me or our other brother.
I told him he didn’t get to use being older as an excuse because I was the oldest sibling too (at mum’s) and I didn’t behave like a jerk.
I called him a terrible older sibling and in return, he called me a spoiled and selfish jerk who couldn’t empathize with his situation.
He’s not wrong. Our situations were different, obviously, so maybe I’m being a jerk, holding this grudge.”
Another User Comments:
“He was 8 when your dad blew up his family and created a stressful situation. That’s old enough to have some understanding but not a perfect one. He would have got half-truths and been around a lot of shouting.
Blaming his dad was a big risk especially if there was talking of divorce and abandonment so get how he turned all that fear and anger onto you. Totally unfair but children aren’t that rational. What is the gap between him and the next oldest?
I also wonder if his mother parentified him by using him as an emotional sponge for her woes and troubles. So fact he was older doesn’t matter in relation to the gap between you and him but it does around his ability to understand and process a really stressful time.
He was old enough to understand and be impacted most. You being the eldest sibling doesn’t matter so much as your sibling came along at a stable time and wasn’t the unwitting cause of possibly breaking up his family. So the situation was very different.
However, he was a bad big brother for the understandable cause but that doesn’t change the behavior and how it makes you feel. He was impacted by bad emotions and they bred that in you and the broken relationship is the result.
As long as he is giving an explanation rather than an excuse, it may be worth considering his approach and seeing if you can build a cordial relationship at least even if not a sibling bond.” Timely_Egg_6827
Another User Comments:
“To be honest, I’d go with no jerks here. There are a lot of complicated emotions around this situation, and it sounds like Gavin is trying to do better but isn’t quite there yet. He was 8 when you were born, so I can see how that would be a difficult time to come to the realization that your dad had been unfaithful, especially if he was close to his mom which can sometimes mean being used for emotional support.
On the other hand, you were innocent in it, and you were hurt by him. So you’re not obligated to forgive him. I hope you both get to a place where you’re content with the relationship, whatever that looks like.” author124
Another User Comments:
“It’s one thing to have a younger half-sister, and another thing having your dad’s affair kid in your life. That’s the issue, not that he is the oldest and all that. He is the oldest which means he was the one who most remembers and really understood what happened. I don’t blame him for not being warm-fuzzy towards you.
You can choose to have a relationship with him or not, whatever, but he is the one that had to see his mother hurt and his family broken.” Glittering_Mouse2728
5. AITJ For Being Upset That My MIL Doesn't Give Enough Notice Before Entering Our Shared Home?
“My living situation needs explaining. My house is built on a hillside and street level is the top floor. Bedrooms are one floor down. Below that is a “basement” unit where my retired MIL lives.
She has her own bathroom, kitchen, laundry, etc. To leave the house, she can use an outside staircase that goes all the way up to street level. Or she can come through our space where there’s a door between her unit and the upper levels.
We bought the house together for financial reasons. The agreement was that my MIL would use the outside stairs when the weather was nice, and use the inside stairs if it was raining or snowing. But she’d have to text us and give us reasonable warning to avoid awkward encounters (e.g. give me enough time to make sure I’m not going to the bathroom with the door open).
Fast forward… my wife and I now have 2 kids (ages 3 & 5). My MIL needed back surgery around 4 years ago. Since that surgery, she’s exclusively used the inside stairs to leave and I’ve bit my tongue and not brought up our original agreement.
The main issue is that she’s very inconsistent in texting us. When she does text, it’s typically with 2-4 minutes of warning. I live in constant anxiety listening for that door to open. When I hear it, the first thing I do is check my phone.
I’d say there’s a text message around half the time.
Yesterday, we took our kids out on a day trip and noticed that my MIL parked her car in a way that took me a few attempts to get our van clear.
It was also very close to the mailbox. My wife texts her mom and asks her to move her car (literally just 3-4 feet would avoid an angry note from our grouchy mail carrier). We get home 7 hours later and the car hasn’t moved so my wife calls out my MIL for that.
2 more hours pass and I hear the door open. I check my phone and there’s a “coming up” text from my MIL at 4:59 PM. It’s 5:01 PM when I hear the door.
Afterward, my wife made it a point to remind me that her mom texted. Likely because I was visibly annoyed. I respond in an admittedly sarcastic tone “yeah, 2 minutes ahead.” So my wife gets angry at me and lectures me about how her mom never does anything right, how it’s uncomfortable for her to be in between us in an awkward situation, etc.
My wife has no issue with her mom coming up without warning. My kids have grown up with their grandmother coming up without warning. I obviously didn’t grow up with her. Did I overreact to how this went down?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your family came up with rules, and MIL isn’t abiding by them. You let it simmer for literal years and then get snippy randomly so from their perspective you are volatile and snap randomly so they feel on edge.
You aren’t doing them any favors keeping your thoughts quiet until they boil over at random times. You need to sit down with your wife and MIL and have a civil conversation about boundaries and personal space. Explain your need for at least ten minutes’ notice EVERY TIME she comes upstairs because your anxiety about potentially being walked in on is legitimate and needs to be addressed; it’s exhausting constantly being vigilant and on edge about an intrusion.
Or consider a doorbell for that inside door so that she can announce herself and wait several minutes. If she cannot respect your boundaries, put a lock on the door that you’ll open after you see her text. Wife can choose to leave it unlocked if you aren’t home, but you lock it when you’re home so you have control over your personal space.” Suitable_cataclysm
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why did you buy a single-family house with someone towards whom you have this attitude? You are ok to get the financial benefit of a relationship but don’t want to see the person. And people do not always make plans to go out 30 minutes before leaving.
In my house, I go out anytime I want. Just think, I have a 20-minute timer in my door lock to open, I would be mad as heck. Like it or not it is your, your wife’s, and your MIL’s house.
So, you cannot impose any rule by yourself.” Potential-Caramel896
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – she did text before she came in. You just didn’t check your phone: “2 more hours pass and I hear the door open. I check my phone and there’s a “coming up” text from my MIL at 4:59 PM.
It’s 5:01 PM when I hear the door.” Are you saying that you want your MIL to plan out her entire day and text you ahead of time when she will be leaving? Seriously?!?! It sounds like you are just hard up on not liking the living arrangements that you all agreed to.
She’s texting you according to plan.” slap-a-frap
4. AITJ For Implying I Wouldn't Invite My Ex-Bully To My Wedding During A Drinking Game?
“I, a 20-year-old female, have a best friend, also a 20-year-old female, who was having a birthday party to which I was invited. At this birthday, there was obviously me, my best friend we’ll call her J, her ex-best friend and my former bully (they were friends at the time) we’ll call her R, a 19-year-old female, and my best friend’s younger sister.
Before the party, J did let me know that R would be there and I said that I was fine with this and would be civil. I brought along a drinking game knowing there’d be awkward tension (which there was at the start) to help us relax with booze.
The drinking game had questions such as “take a drink if you’re not X” and whatnot, so they were mainly dumb funny questions and dares.
As we were playing the game, I drew a card and read it out. The card said, “drink if there is someone in the room you wouldn’t invite to your wedding” and I took a drink for two reasons, one of which being that she is my ex-bully and the other being we haven’t seen or spoken to each other for years, so why would I invite her?
When I saw she didn’t take a drink, I played it off as if I was talking about J’s younger sister as well as joked that J and I were the ones getting married. After that, we continued playing the drinking game (and I got very inebriated).
The next day I was hanging out with J and she brought up that R had messaged her about the fact that she knew I meant I wouldn’t invite her to my wedding, which makes me feel a little bad if I upset her with that.
I believe my reasons are valid but I’m second-guessing myself.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were absolutely justified in your feelings towards R. You were also honest that it was improbable that you would invite her to your wedding.
If she was surprised, I would imagine that it is because she feels no remorse about her behavior towards you. I would not give it a second thought. You haven’t seen her in years and hopefully, it will be years before you see her again!” Late_Confidence8101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She bullied you. Period. You don’t owe her anything. You’re worrying about hurting her feelings, even posting here. Do you really think she ever gave your feelings this much thought? Do not let this person take up any more space in your brain.
Don’t second-guess yourself. And if R is a little upset, good. She made you plenty upset over the years.” SubstantialQuit2653
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I had a “friend” who was my bully, she would bully me in private, but she would act all nice once we were around other people.
I eventually had enough of being pushed over and around. So, I dropped her. And right after I dropped her she IMMEDIATELY forgot all that she did to me. For whatever reason, she still thinks we’re friends. And that I’m the one in the wrong, and that I was the bully.
I wasn’t the jerk. And most certainly aren’t the jerk.” TheDuckQueenz
3. AITJ For Wanting To Buy A Tablet Instead Of A Gift For My Dad With My Internship Stipend?
“I (19F), am in the middle of my summer vacation from my undergraduate degree in English, and during the summer I decided to take on two internships at the same time to earn some cash and to occupy my time since I have a long break.
My family is solidly lower middle class, there were periods of time in the past when my parents had to be stringent with money and save up. I never complained during those times, and if I couldn’t buy something I wanted that was too expensive I’d usually let it go.
It has kind of grown into me just being terrified in general to ask my parents for anything.
My stipend from these two internships isn’t much, but saved up over 3 months it would be enough for me to buy a Samsung tablet with a stylus so that I could use it for my next year in college.
I also admittedly just really wanted a device like that because I could never really splurge on one. I added it to our family’s shared Amazon account to buy at the end of 3 months. My mother saw this and enquired about it, and I told her what I was planning.
She got angry at me because I hadn’t thought about getting a gift for my father with my stipend as a way of giving back to him. Everyone in previous generations had done it for their parents, and it hadn’t crossed my mind.
She said that my dad is always ready to give me my needed allowance for commuting to college and other things (we’re doing better these days than in the past) and I was selfish to not even think about giving back to him.
So now I lost the excitement I had and I have deleted the tablet from the Amazon cart. I feel like I was overly splurging when I should have been showing my appreciation for my parents and/or saving the money.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to open your own Amazon account and buy it, buy it locally, or have a friend with Prime help. Your parents should never guilt you into buying a gift for them. I don’t really have a bunch to add to that, because the idea of you being obligated to gift them something is weird to me.” EagleLize
Another User Comments:
“Are you from an immigrant family? In mine, yes, it’s a tradition that you give your first paycheck or an equivalent present to your parents. But you’re still in school and this isn’t your first “real” paycheck and it’s not supposed to be your whole salary.
If that’s the case for you I would tell your mom you’ll do something for both of them once you land your big kid job. I’d still buy your dad something small for Father’s Day, though. NTJ.” karivara
Another User Comments:
“I find that a father who expects a child who has so little revenue to spend some of that on a gift for him is rather selfish. NTJ for wanting to use your money for you. Doing so does not make you ungrateful for your family’s help.
Your parents need to amend the tradition for a later date when the child has had time to save money, work, and be independent. Buy the tablet, don’t tell your parents if you are afraid of their reaction. YOU are the one with the future to prepare.” hadMcDofordinner
2. AITJ For Selling My Late Wife's Cake Recipe To A Bakery?
“My late wife passed 3 years ago, our two kids were in their late 20s at the time.
It’s been a hard few years and it is even harder now that I live alone.
She had a lovely dark chocolate cherry cake. It was my favorite thing that she would make and I always requested it for Father’s Day.
I am a terrible baker and I have tried to remake it from her notes. The notes are not very clear and it never turns out correct. It is depressing spending so much time and it being wrong.
I have asked my two kids to try and make it but they have refused to.
I was told that they will not figure out the recipe and to stop asking. I went to a local bakery and asked for them to figure it out.
They agreed as long as I gave them permission to sell the cake in the store.
It didn’t take them long to figure it out and it is almost exactly the same as my wife’s.
I bought one for Father’s Day and my kids were happy about the cake until I told them the bakery did it.
They are upset I would sell their mother’s recipe to a bakery.
This whole week they have been telling me how I am a jerk for this and I am wondering if I really am a jerk. I just wanted to eat her cake again.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s funny. My mom died without leaving a complete recipe for one of my favorite dishes. The basic recipe was there, but she must have had a “pinch of this, a dash of that” in her head because the recipe never tastes like what my mom made.
I totally get wanting to have that taste again. When your kids didn’t want to try, you took matters into your own hands. Nothing wrong with that. And frankly, if your kids weren’t ever going to make the cake, I’m not sure what their beef is about the bakery making it.” Active-Anteater1884
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! And, grief is complicated, and it sounds like they are taking out some of their sadness and anger on you. The thing about grief is it is very unpredictable. It might be best to apologize for accidentally causing those feelings, just to provide them with a little bit of validation, even though you have nothing to feel bad about.
None of this process has to be logical, because grief isn’t logical either. I DO think the bakery should be giving you that cake for free once a year on your anniversary instead of making you buy it. It doesn’t even sound like you sold the recipe, you just gave them the right to sell the recipe.
Which means now a lot of people will be able to taste her cake. That’s pretty sweet, no pun intended. Also, I love the idea below of asking them to name the cake after your wife.” FindAriadne
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The cake was obviously a very treasured memory of the special times that you spent with your wife, particularly the Father’s Day celebrations. You made every attempt to reproduce the cake on your own but weren’t successful. It was natural for you to ask your children to help you.
I find it sad that not only were your children not willing to help you with something that was clearly important to you, but that they then cut you off and told you to stop asking. I think that your idea of taking it to the bakery was brilliant.
Your children were unwilling to help so they have only themselves to blame for the path that you were left to take to reproduce your precious cake. I suggest that you enjoy every delicious bite without one ounce of guilt.
Happy eating!” Late_Confidence8101
1. AITJ For Telling My Dad It Isn't The Thought That Counts When He Repeatedly Gets The Wrong Thing?
“My dad has this habit of offering to get you something and then bringing back something else, or a different version of the same thing. He won’t call and ask you what else you want if the item isn’t there, he will just assume you will be fine with whatever he gets.
A few weeks ago we went out shopping for groceries as my mum was away, she had put her favorite dip on the shopping list and wrote down exactly what brand it was. Dad couldn’t seem to find the dip and so decided to grab a random green dip and hope for the best. When I pointed out that the dip Mum wanted was on the shelf above he grabbed it and seemed shocked that he didn’t see it.
Things like this are a regular occurrence and we kinda expect to get something different whenever he offers to get us something. He never reads the containers or bottles and just grabs stuff at random most of the time.
Last night Dad called me and asked me if I wanted anything from the liquor store as he was grabbing some wine, I said “can you please get me (brand) in raspberry please.” He brought home the pineapple flavor and only realized it was wrong when I pointed it out.
Oh and he also got annoyed when I didn’t want to drink it as I dislike pineapple.
He tells me it’s the thought that counts even if he messed up. That’s when I told him that it isn’t the thought that counts when you repeatedly get the wrong thing.
This started a mini argument where I had to explain to him that he needs to actually take the time and make sure he gets the right thing and call us if he can’t get it.
I seemed to have hurt his feelings and he told me I was being ungrateful and rude.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s either very indifferent to detail or just not terribly concerned about what other people ask for. Someone in the comments asks if you are sure he is literate, which merits reflection as well. Choosing a dip because it was “green” could be a sign of illiteracy.
That said, most people know, for example, that you can ask for the raspberry booze and not just take whatever you see on the shelf. NTJ. But avoid giving him tasks like this to do, even if he asks. It must be frustrating for him as well that he can’t get things right.
LOL. If he asks, say, no, I’ll get my own dip/booze.” hadMcDofordinner
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Getting the wrong thing does not help, it aggravates. Most especially when the right thing was available but he was too lazy or uninterested to get it.
Asking for your preference when it wasn’t available is called being thoughtful, not grabbing whatever thing happens to be at hand because he can’t be bothered to look for more than 10 seconds. If it’s the thought that counts, he should actually think.
I’d do my own shopping from now on, and ask him if he needs an eye exam / cognitive function test at his next checkup.” savinathewhite
Another User Comments:
“NTJ it’s not the thought at all at this point. It’s actually rather thoughtless because he won’t take the time to look for the right thing.
Why even bother asking if you’re going to come home with the wrong item time and time again? It seems like he wants brownie points without actually having to put in even the slightest effort. It’s like, the appearance of offering a favor but not actually doing the favor.” WifeofBath1984
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