People Feel Animosity In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Refusing To Accept Money From My Absentee Ex For Our Son?
“My son’s father left me while I was pregnant because he wanted to make something of himself and prove to my family he deserved me.
At least that’s the reason he’s been trying to get me to believe since coming back into our lives. He also claims he didn’t know about our son or that I was pregnant even though I did everything I could think of to get that message to him when I originally found out.
I even reached out to him when my son was less than a year old because I was struggling and desperate but he never responded to me then either.
Now he’s back and trying to fix things. I don’t want him here and I don’t want his help but I know my son deserves a relationship with him so I’ve been trying to be civil.
It hasn’t been easy, especially since he makes me feel like everything I’ve done for our son isn’t good enough.
He keeps trying to make me accept money from him and I keep refusing which leads to a lot of arguments.
I told him he was welcome to pay for things for our son or save money for him but I wouldn’t take a penny from him. We had a fight over it yesterday and he told me his patience was running out and I was going to accept his money so our son could have the life he deserves.
His family has also been on my case and nobody seems to understand why I keep saying no.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“All the people saying YTJ baffles me. If he wanted the son to have a better life, he’d be on it after the first time OP said no, buying stuff, paying for his school, getting him a savings account, etc. He doesn’t need to handle his ex’s money to do that.
Him wanting her to take the money directly stinks of trying to get some financial control over her. OP, if you have basics covered and your kid has what he needs, you’re not wrong not to take the money. If he insists, though, take him to court and make him pay all he’s worth.
Make him do it in the law’s terms, not his. He owes your kid that money and the more ‘official’ you can make this process, the less he has to hold over your head. NTJ.” Upper_Brain265
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t have the right, even as his parent, to choose to make your son’s life MORE difficult on his behalf because of your ego and pettiness. You have the right and responsibility to PROTECT him from dangers, to ensure his safety, to make sure he is cared for.
But he is a small human being, not an extension of you, and you don’t have the right to choose that his life should be lacking in ways that it doesn’t have to be because YOU resent his father. You don’t have to like your ex, you don’t have to have a meaningful relationship with him, but you absolutely have no right to refuse substantive assistance from him on your child’s behalf that would make the child’s life better and easier; because that’s an act of petty punishment that in the end doesn’t affect your ex, just your kid.
It’s moronic, petty, and self-absorbed. Get therapy, deal with your resentments, and take whatever he’s offering that will improve your child’s life. You have no right to make your kid’s life worse than it needs to be because you can’t get past your own stubbornness, or YTJ, and a massive one at that.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I get where you’re coming from. He abandoned you and claims he didn’t know you were pregnant. He strolls back into your life and now wants to play devoted daddy. Unless your son is being harmed or neglected his criticisms are uncalled for.
He’s a jerk talking about what his son deserves. He doesn’t get to talk down to you after you raised your son alone. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He can pay for things for your son or start an account for your son but instead chooses to berate you for not taking his money.
He wants you to take his money because he feels guilty. If you take his money he can feel good about ghosting you. He can brag about what he does for the son he claims he didn’t know about.
As long as your son is healthy and happy and you aren’t struggling you don’t need to take his money if you don’t want to.” [deleted]
21. AITJ For Reporting My Neighbour's Illegal Tree Cutting To The Council?
“A couple of weeks ago I noticed that there were a bunch of guys cutting down massive native trees on the berm, basically the small strip of land between a home and the street and where I live is council property.
The trees that they were cutting down were native and at least 70 years old, you can tell because of how big they were. I went up to the guys and asked if they had permission to cut down the trees, they said that they didn’t need it and the trees were within the property line.
After that, I went home and looked up the council property lines and saw that the trees were on the berm. So I called the council to let them know, I told them I didn’t know if they had permission and that I checked the property lines, but I also mentioned that maybe I was wrong and they were within the property lines but I just wanted to double-check.
The woman from the council told me that she had no record of them asking permission and that the trees appeared to be on the berm, she said that a council member would be down to check and she would call me back later to inform me of the outcome.
I get a call back a couple of hours later and I’m told that they didn’t have permission and that they would be fined, I was also told that many other people on my street made a complaint. I wasn’t surprised by this as I saw many people on our local social media page asking about it, as it is common knowledge that it’s illegal to cut down native trees in our area in general unless you have permission and cutting down trees on the berm is a big no-no as well.
So these neighbors were breaking two big rules. It’s important to note that I live in a small semi-rural area and pretty much everyone knows everyone, you walk down the street and everyone says hi, so things like this don’t go unnoticed.
I thought that would be the last of it. However, a couple of days ago the neighbor came up to my house and started to yell at me. Saying it was my fault that they are now getting fined for cutting down the trees and I should have just talked to her.
I told her that I asked the guys she hired to do the job and they said she wasn’t home. I’m also honestly glad she wasn’t home as I’m not a very confrontational person and talking to the guys hired to cut down the trees was already pretty out of the normal for me to do.
Anyways, she continued to yell at me and say how she thought we were ‘neighbors’, which I mean we are but we have never talked.
Always AITJ for calling the council on her for cutting down both native trees and council property?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ, your neighbor is. She hired someone to illegally cut down trees then got angry when she was fined. It’s her own darn fault that she was (rightfully) fined.” formerlythere
Another User Comments:
“NTJ — she’s just angry and wants someone to blame other than herself.
Brush it off, let it go. It has nothing to do with you being neighborly or not. If I was in your shoes I would have 100% done the exact same thing.” roxiereed
Another User Comments:
“The angry neighbor was totally in the wrong to expect you to ignore her illegal actions.
She’s angry because her fine might include paying for replanting trees equivalent to the ones she told them to destroy. Replacing those trees will be expensive because of their age, and if they are rare species or endangered, she may have to incur a multiplication of the fine.
The company she hired would also be fined (they should have confirmed the property lines and permits before starting the work), and might be billing her for those fines. So of course she’s angry, but it’s entirely her own fault.
She is responsible for all of it. NTJ.” DWYL_LoveWhatYouDo
20. AITJ For Wanting To Change My Last Name After Marriage Despite My Brother's Objections?
“I (32F) am getting married in a year to my amazing fiance (32M), and I could not be more excited. For my entire life, I have planned on changing my last name when I get married so I will have the same last name as my kids.
The other day I had a phone call with my brother and my mom and the topic of changing my last name came up. My mom couldn’t care less and thought it was my choice, but my brother (29M) got mad at me when he found out that I planned on changing my last name.
My brother is single, gay, and doesn’t plan on having kids himself. He said that a woman changing her last name to her husband’s last name is an outdated tradition, and he couldn’t believe I was considering it. He also said that since he doesn’t plan on having children, it means our last name will die with him.
This really annoyed me. Why is his decision to not have children more important than my decision to change my last name? Also, our last name is VERY common, AND we have male cousins with children that will carry on our last name.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all. I’m a woman who did not change my name when I got married because it felt wrong to me and I wanted to keep the name I had all my life.
It’s not right or wrong, it’s all about what you want to do. It is your name and your identity and you are not obligated to meet anyone else’s expectations. Your brother is more than welcome to fight for women’s rights and equality however he thinks is best but imposing his view of feminism on you is not good.
We have bigger battles to fight right now than policing women’s names. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!” Spallanzani333
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have always figured if I got married I’d take my husband’s name. My last name isn’t very popular but it’s not a one in a billion.
But I want to be a team with my husband and teams typically have the same name: the Cardinals, the Cowboys, the Miami Heat, etc. Tell your brother that his choices are his and you respect them therefore he needs to respect your choices as they are yours.
If he’s that worried about the name ending…he needs to have a child. Problem solved.” Terra88draco
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The whole point in regards to this being an outdated tradition is because, at one point, women really didn’t have a CHOICE to keep their last name.
Now we do and you are choosing to take your husband’s. Nothing wrong with that at all. My sister is taking her husband’s last name after they get married but I’m on the fence about it for myself. Either way is fine.
The ability to choose is important in this situation, not the choice itself. Your brother is the jerk for his sheer hypocrisy. Berating you for embracing an ‘outdated tradition’ of taking your husband’s name while pushing the totally not outdated tradition of passing on the family name??
Do what you want. It’s your name, not his.” BoysenberryHorror580
19. AITJ For Getting Upset Over My Wife Not Replacing The Trash Bag?
“Our trash can has an insert so you can easily take that out, pull the trash bag out, and replace it. It’s wonderful. My lovely wife doesn’t like to do that, she likes to dig her nails under the insert (gross) to pull it up slightly so she can grab the bag and pull it out when she takes the trash out, she also forgets to put a new bag in.
Every. Single. Time.
Multiple times I’ve shown her how to use it and she rolls her eyes at me. Today I went to throw some sloppy grossness away from our sink trap and splat, it went directly into the insert, no bag.
I lost it a little bit as I had to pull it out to clean it and then went and asked her, nicely, in a begging tone, to please, for the love of all that is holy, use the insert.
That way if you forget to put a bag in then it’s sitting out and I’ll notice it and I’ll put a new bag in.
She told me I’m being a jerk and overreacting and if I wanted to avoid throwing trash into the insert without a bag there then I should pay more attention and check there’s a bag before throwing stuff away.
I asked even if it’s dripping wet and or hot and I’m in a rush? She said yes, it’s my responsibility.
So, AITJ here? Am I overreacting? In my eyes she started a job and didn’t finish it so it feels like she’s being the jerk and should correct her jerkish behavior…but I’ll leave it to y’all.
INFO: We don’t have a formal chore system in place, we go by a stuff needs to be done then do it system. She has stuff she typically does more and so do I, trash being one of them.
So generally I’m the one taking the trash out, however when she does….this happens.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But I have a system. And that system includes if you take the trash out, replace the trash bag. Same with toilet paper, toothpaste, milk, and orange juice – you use the last bit – add it to the list if needed or replace.
I mean, if you take the vehicle to work and drive home with a gallon left – you would hopefully fill up before heading home. But of course, that’s my system and it has led to a pretty happy household for over 20 years.” crbryant1972
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. In my house, my husband always takes out the kitchen trash. If the bag is full, I pull it out and leave the trash can out from under the sink so he sees it and replaces the bag before it goes back under the sink.
(Why don’t I just replace the bag myself? Lol to be honest I don’t know, I just never have. It’s just how we do it. It’s never been an issue. He usually gets the new bag before I even think about it.) But I would never put the trash can back under the sink without a bag, as that would look like a finished job when it’s not.
Your wife is the jerk for allowing the trash can to appear useable when it’s not.” RealTalkFastWalk
Another User Comments:
“NTJ taking the bag away is only part of the job, it’s not complete if the bag isn’t replaced (my dad does the exact same thing, thinks it’s fine just to remove the bag but NEVER replaces it).
However, I do notice an interesting parallel here: “if I wanted to avoid throwing trash into the insert without a bag there then I should pay more attention and check there’s a bag before throwing stuff away. I asked even if it’s dripping wet and or hot and I’m in a rush?
She said yes, it’s my responsibility.” Sounds exactly like the toilet seat debate though with the positions reversed (besides both sides are wrong, always close the lid when done with the toilet).” StevenKnowsNothing
18. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law See My Son After She Disrespected Our Wishes?
“My son’s father and I have been going through a tough time recently. I found out about him being unfaithful throughout my whole pregnancy but that’s another story.
We’ve been going through hard times during my last month of pregnancy and both of our families got involved. Granted, my family got a little disrespectful but wouldn’t you if someone was being unfaithful to your pregnant daughter?
His mother got involved and told me I need to forgive and forget and I need to go back to him and just gets overall disrespectful to me.
Fast forward to a few days before I give birth, my baby’s father and I talk about boundaries we want to set for people, one of those boundaries being no one gets to post our son on social media until we say it’s okay and we both agreed that I get to be the first one to post him whenever I decide.
I still have not posted him as I am not ready to share him with others on social media yet, my mom booked a newborn photo session for my son and paid for everything. I had planned on posting him after those photos were done being edited and then once I posted him mine and his family could post whatever pictures they had of him.
So we got a sample picture from the photographer to see if we liked the editing and I sent it to my baby daddy and I told him to share it with his mom and grandma. His mom took it upon herself to post that sample picture on social media and when she made the post she didn’t even call him by his name.
She posted that his name was Malik, his real name is Mahkai. So after seeing her post, I was livid. My baby daddy called her and asked her to remove it and she told him no. I commented under the post stating that I was the baby’s mom and I did not consent to this and respectfully asked that it be taken down.
She told me no.
So after a long day and night of fighting with my baby daddy, I finally came to the conclusion that this would be the last time she went against my wishes ever again and made the decision to not let her see him until I say so.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She overstepped her boundaries. Grandparents need to remember that they mustn’t go beyond what is expected of them. At the end of the day, your son is yours and his father’s.
You both make the decisions based on him and both have the final say.” saltysegall
Another User Comments:
“You’re totally not the jerk here… but question… are you sure your baby daddy communicated to her that she shouldn’t post pictures?
Just noting that he may not have explicitly told her not to. He doesn’t seem particularly reliable at this point, right? Please note I’m not condoning what she did (much less her refusing to backtrack when caught). You’re totally within your rights to limit her access, and hopefully, she will quickly learn that a degree of respect needs to be paid.” Rockingduck-2014
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You made a decision about your baby, she disrespected it and refused to take the photo down even after she was told and you commented under the photo. Report the photo, he’s an underage kid and his mother does not consent so should be taken down.
You’re the parent and have every right to act the way you see appropriate in a situation like this.” [deleted]
17. AITJ For Refusing To Limit My Organ Donation Despite My Mother's Objections?
“I (19M) recently got an organ donor card, because some college organization was signing people up. I hadn’t gotten around to it before, but I think organ donation is a good thing, so I didn’t really think anything of it, if I’m dead anyway it’s not like I have any use for it.
My parents however were upset with me when I told them this, mainly because I agreed to donate everything (including eyes and skin.) My mom especially didn’t take it well, saying that if I were to pass away she would never recover from not being able to properly say goodbye to me after my body had been ‘mangled and torn apart for pieces.’ My uncle died in a biking accident and they couldn’t hold a wake because of his body’s state, so I think that is why this is such a big deal for her.
She also just has a general unease about organ donation, she’s not a conspiracy theorist but she has expressed stuff like ‘what if they won’t try as hard to save you’ before.
I told her that she could say goodbye prior to the harvesting and that you could still have a wake, it’s not like I agreed to have my face transplanted. They said they’d only take skin from areas not visible when clothed, and my eyes wouldn’t be open during a wake anyway.
She was insistent and in all honesty, I didn’t handle the confrontation well, basically, I told her to get lost and that I’d rather my corpse be used for something good than have it rot away underground just so that she could feel better in the unlikely event that she’d outlive me.
Since our fight, she has basically stopped speaking to me, when normally she’d text regularly to check up on me. My father has told me to apologize and just take those two items off of the organ donation card for her sake.
I’d be willing to apologize for speaking to her the way I did, but I know that she wouldn’t accept the apology until I did what she asked, and I really don’t want to. A couple of my friends said that I should do it, because at the end of the day, my death won’t be about me, but everyone left behind, and that I could always change it back later in life, but I don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Thank you for being an organ donor. Also, even if they take your eyes and skin, you can still have an open casket. You have most of your skin left actually. They may take SOME, not all from thighs, back, and butt.
Parts you don’t see. Also when you get ready by a mortician, they put shield things under your eyelids anyway otherwise they sink in and the corpse… looks like a corpse with sunken eyes.” ImpressiveCollar5811
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, fellow card carrier here, I’ve had a donor card since I was 15 (54 now).
I asked my husband and my children their wishes, some said yes, some said no, that’s their choice and I only asked as I wanted to respect their wishes if it ever came to that. It’s sometimes hard for a parent to think of the death of their child, I agree you should do what you want just cut mom a bit of slack.
She cannot demand you change your decision, that is wrong and you and they know that, maybe show her some YouTube videos of people meeting their donor’s families? There are some really lovely ones of parents listening to their deceased children’s heartbeats and meeting small children who have been saved, it’s a really beautiful thing for the grieving families when they see the good their child did, and gives them a sense of pride and hopefully peace.
Thank you for carrying the card.” Mommagrumps
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. While the way your mother went about it was terrible, I can see her point of view too. Of course donating is amazing, but as parents, there’s still a part of them that want the full ‘you’, visible or not.
They might not even fully understand how it works. Having that said, you’re also not obligated to ‘take those two items off of the organ donation card for her sake.’ It’s your body and your choice. Maybe sit her down while both of you are calm and try to explain the process and why exactly you want to do this, and assure her doctors won’t just..
not try harder to save you for your organs.” Xx_Nana_xX
16. AITJ For Sharing My Holiday Details With A Friend Who Can't Afford The Same?
“I (28F) grew up not being able to afford holidays abroad, or indeed in country, when I was a kid. I’ve always wanted to travel and have been lucky enough to be able to as an adult.
(I am from the UK.)
I have a friend from university, R (30F). R also loves to travel and would fly to Europe most weekends during term time, and take longer extended holidays during the summer. We aren’t really close, mostly we stay in touch through social media.
For the last few years whenever I post about a holiday on IG, R will literally always message me asking me where I stayed, which airline I took, etc. Basically the entire itinerary. I’m not precious about keeping things secret so I would send her the information and recommendations of sights to visit/places to eat.
Recently, after I posted a story featuring a recent break, another friend B (29F) reached out to me and said that R felt I was mocking her. That I am always showing off by sending her information on places I know she can’t afford and that R feels that my IG posts are targeted towards making her feel bad.
B says that they both think I should be more sensitive to R’s financial situation and not gloat over having a higher income.
I wasn’t trying to belittle anyone but these are my friends and I think I may be the jerk if I’ve made one of them feel so awful.”
Another User Comments:
“Let me get this straight…R was messaging you, ASKING you for the information on where you went? How you got there? Where you stayed? etc…and now she’s telling B that your PERSONAL social media posts are…mocking her?
How high did she have to jump to get to that conclusion?! Also, since when is it your responsibility to cater to the feelings of someone else? Are you psychic? Do you just KNOW how she’s doing financially? Seriously, whatever these two are on, I want some.
You’re NTJ, but you definitely should at the very least block them both from your IG.” KittyKittyKitten3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – R asked for the info, you gave it to her, it’s not your fault she’s not able to afford those places and also not your fault that she feels bad about you posting about your holidays.
But do have a talk with them and tell R you’ll stop sharing the info if it’s making her feel bad but that (if you want to) you could both try finding more affordable places if she is planning on visiting those places.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but wait these people think your IG which is on the internet for all to see is somehow targeting this woman? That’s insane and they sound like the worst kind of enabler. You’re allowed to share as you please on YOUR social media, would think you are tagging this woman in your photos the way they are acting about this.
Tell them if it affects her so much she should unfollow you or better yet delete her IG cause I’m sure she follows others who do fun things just to torment her…..” rocklandguy324
15. AITJ For Walking My Stepdaughter Down The Aisle Instead Of Her Biological Father?
“My wife got divorced when her daughter was 16 and married me a year later.
Her daughter lived with us and saw her dad on the weekends. She is now 21 and got married this weekend.
Her father paid for the wedding in total and was also obviously invited to the wedding. The thing is, he assumed he would walk her down the aisle.
She asked me to walk her and I agreed weeks ago. Before the ceremony her father came up to us when we were standing in the hallway, waiting for the music to start to walk down the aisle.
She told him I am walking her, and he got very upset.
Said he’s her dad, I am mom’s husband. She said she knows, but she already asked me. He said he is paying for the wedding. She said that doesn’t give him the right to call any shots.
I walked her down the aisle, and he was very upset.
At the reception he came up to me and told me that if I wanted to play dad, I could also pay for the wedding. Said I’m a jerk for taking his moment away.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stepdaughter is the jerk here.
Her dad’s been around her entire life, married to her mom for the first 16 years of her life… and she chose the dad that’s been around for, what, 6 years? I find that weird… like, what’s the relationship with her dad?
Why wouldn’t she have you both walk her? I’m just curious… cause it doesn’t sound like he’s a deadbeat & you raised her. To be clear; You’re her dad too. There’s nothing wrong with you walking her down. I am just confused is all.
Also, she didn’t tell her dad the plans until… the minute before? What the…” doubleblended
Another User Comments:
“I actually had to reread this, and I changed my vote to YTJ. You and your wife didn’t get married until your stepdaughter was 17, that is practically an adult.
Her father raised her for 16 years, maintained contact after the divorce, paid support, and covered the cost of the entire wedding. You come in late in the game, kept your wallet in your pocket, got to be the buddy while he had to be the dad, and then you steal the glory?
Dude you are so the jerk, the stepdaughter is the jerk for not telling her dad beforehand, and your wife is the J for not calling this the bad idea that it was. Their relationship is probably damaged, and if you had a friendly relationship with this man before this, that is probably over.
Smooth move.” marionoobs22
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here except Dad. Sit her down and break the news to her. She may have alienated her father sufficiently that she is no longer part of his life or his will.
She was his little girl and he could never get that moment back. If she is cut out of his life, it will likely be completely. Rapid damage control on her part is the only hope. You owe him a public apology, as public as walking his daughter down the aisle.
Had you asked before if he knew and refused, that would be different but you ended up stepping in it. The only possible mitigating factor here is that dad was an abusive jerk for years but I think the OP would have mentioned that were it the case.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Uninviting My Toxic Family From My Wedding?
“My fiancé (29M) and I (29F) got engaged last November. Prior to him asking the question we had already done some wedding planning things: checking out the venue, getting a rough idea of the guest list, etc. We found a venue that we both fell in love with!
It was a little pricey and we didn’t have the money for the deposit, so we asked my parents. At first, they seemed like they would, but right before we signed the contract, my parents backed out.
I need to give some context on my family.
They are toxic, emotionally abusive people. My dad has more than once called me a failure and told me I’d end up selling my body. My mother is the most judgmental person you will ever meet. I purposefully didn’t tell her I went to try on wedding dresses because I didn’t want to hear anything about my “flabby arms” or hear that I’m showing too much cleavage.
My younger sister took after my mother, and my older brother makes disgusting comments about my life constantly. I knew that asking my parents for the deposit was a stretch. But I got my hopes up, thinking that since this was my wedding it would be different.
It wasn’t. I was completely devastated and fell into a horrible depression.
Well fast forward to last month, and my sister and her partner of 5 months are about to get engaged. My sister has always been the family favorite and when my mom found out that her partner was going to propose it was ALL she could talk about.
They even went dress shopping and she actually BOUGHT her wedding dress before being engaged! Who does that?!?
The moment that brings me to this question is a conversation my mom and I had on the phone. She said that because my sister had her venue all picked out and a date, I wasn’t “allowed” to get married next year because she couldn’t afford to go to 2 weddings.
I was angry. I snapped back and said that we had a date picked out before she did, to which my mother responded “well she’ll actually be able to pay for it so her date is more set in stone”.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. They were prioritizing my sister’s wedding when I’M the one who’s engaged! I talked to my fiancé and we both felt that if that was going to be their attitude we didn’t need it at our wedding.
I immediately took them off my guest list, along with my extended family. Since most venues won’t book elopements more than 4 months out, we haven’t done any more wedding planning. We are hoping to keep the same date or at least close to it.
I haven’t told my family that I want them uninvited to my wedding. I still talk to them regularly but I don’t have the courage to say anything about it. My mother is going to cry and my dad will be heartbroken and it makes me feel guilty and upset even thinking about cutting them out.
Maybe I’m overreacting, I don’t know. So will I be the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but by not telling your parents, you’re putting off the fight, not avoiding it. However, what does, “most venues won’t book elopements more than 4 months out”, mean & what does it have to do with you?
To elope means to run away secretly in order to get married & you wouldn’t hire a venue for an event that was being kept secret. If you mean that a venue won’t book an event where the bride’s parents aren’t invited, I’m certain that’s not true.
If your venue told you that, it’s a sign they don’t want to work with you & you should find a different venue. If you put off booking until 4 months before your wedding, odds are good that the venue & all your vendors are going to be unavailable.” YMMV-But
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you and your fiancé need to tell your parents the date. If your mom continues to pull the crap about how she can’t afford to go to 2 weddings, very calmly tell her, “Gosh, we would love to have you and dad at our wedding, but if you can’t afford to attend, we understand.” Just kill her with kindness.
She is trying to control you and you are not gonna let it happen.” PleaseCoffeeMe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I, too, have a bad and toxic immediate family. I ended up moving very far away and going low contact, and when I got married made the decision not to invite any of them.
Even, sadly, some of my relatives that I’m cool with. I didn’t want to drag them out and entertain and house them while preparing for the wedding and have to go through the inevitable drama of why some people were invited and others weren’t.
So I just did a blanket ban because that was best for my mental health at the time. I don’t regret it at all. My wedding memories are all pleasant ones that could only have been obtained this way. I just told my family that we eloped and never shared any photos.
Ironically, my golden child sibling actually eloped, so they kinda missed out on their chance for having a wedding experience by being nasty to me all my life.” fluffy_samoyed
13. AITJ For Asking My Dad Not To Smoke Around Me While I'm Pregnant?
“I am pregnant with my and my husband’s first child. Since becoming pregnant, I have asked my father not to smoke before or during our visits with him.
My dad smokes nearly every 15 minutes and often saves half-smoked ones in his pockets. He always reeks of secondhand smoke. When he visited our home and held our cat, the cat smelled of smoke after he had left.
I have set this boundary due to the health risks of secondhand exposure while pregnant and the developmental risks to our future son.
My father has become very angry and has stated that he “doesn’t have to be around if that’s how I am going to be”.
I have offered for him to keep clean clothes at my house that he can change into if he needs to smoke (I understand I can’t force him to quit).
This has been creating a distance between us because I can’t go on vacation with my parents this summer and be around someone who smokes as much as he does but I was beginning to wonder if I am being unreasonable.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, please read about thirdhand smoke and the dangers for infants, especially related to SIDS. Your dad needs to wash his hands to the elbows, wash his face, brush his teeth, and change clothes into something that’s not kept in his home or car before holding your baby.
Repeat every time he smokes. This isn’t going to be easy, it’s going to wreck your relationship with your dad. But, as I’m sure he’s very fond of telling you, actions and choices have consequences. The health of your baby is more important than his feelings.” Bluebonnetsandkiwis
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a smoker myself I would never ever smoke around women who are pregnant. He should respect your wishes and just do as he is told. You are not forcing him to quit smoking, you are making sure your baby is going to be healthy.
When one of my friends was pregnant I went outside to smoke no matter the weather conditions, made sure I stayed outside until the smoke smell was gone and if she was bothered by it, I would just leave. Of course she didn’t mind it but that’s her own choice.
It’s definitely not an unreasonable request to make and people should respect it. Period.” Morgana_Nightfire
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So I initially thought it was unreasonable to expect him not to smoke beforehand. The smell is disgusting, yes, but from a health and safety point of view, I thought it was excessive.
But I saw someone else mention third-hand smoke, so I looked it up because it sounded ridiculous. Turns out, it’s definitely a thing! While the research is limited, just having it on his close does pose some level of risk to others, so you’re not in the wrong to be concerned at all!
Even though others have mentioned it, I want to highlight one thing I read on numerous reputable sites – the greatest danger is to small children because they’re touching everything and putting their hands in their mouths. Please keep this in mind after your baby is born!
Especially if you take him over to Grandpa’s house.” Oberyn_Kenobi_1
12. AITJ For Not Trusting My Mom To Defend My Gender Identity In Public?
“I am a trans man (19), I came out a few years ago to a few family members and most of my friends.
My mom has been supportive from day one, calling me by my preferred name, calling me her son, and so on. In private. She promised me she would always protect me and defend me if I ever needed it.
But when I came out to someone she cared about, like her partner, his response would be “I refuse to call you that, you’re my little girl”.
And when I looked at my mom for help, she would say “You can’t expect everyone to agree. You’re (my dead name) to him” and yelled at me when I tried to defend myself. She would refuse to help me find therapy or any support (=I am handicapped and my mom is my sole caretaker, so I need her help to get places) and would refuse to talk to my school, who are allowed to use my preferred name if they get my mom’s agreement.
It always felt as if her support was something she gave me behind closed doors, so she could say she does something for me while refusing to do anything else if her own relationship were at risk. Which is alright, I don’t expect her to ruin her relationships for me, I would never ask for that in the first place, I just wish she wouldn’t promise me a safe space she never gave me.
That being said, my partner (genderfluid) is coming over soon, two weeks stay, and we are both very femme presenting. My mom said she would love to take us to a small event with her friends and some of our neighbors and would love to introduce my partner and me (=since having a “daughter” who has a “female partner” is apparently better than a trans son) to everyone.
I said “no”, knowing two very homophobic neighbors would be there and I didn’t want them to ruin my two weeks with my partner (we’re long distance), nor did I want my partner to have to go through that. They aren’t quite good at my native language yet but they would still understand bits of it and I am absolutely not letting that happen.
My mom said she would defend us and tell the two people to get lost and, after a bit, I asked her if she would really do that and that I don’t fully trust she will. She looked hurt and said she does a lot for me.
She takes care of me despite my disability, she calls me by my name in private, and she supports my relationship, what else do I want from her? She deserves my trust.
I kinda feel like a jerk now. Maybe I am just holding an old grudge, maybe she does deserve my trust by now.
Maybe I do expect too much, I don’t know. I feel horrible for hurting her feelings.
Am I the jerk for not trusting her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are right not to trust her. Good on you for trying to protect your partner from that kind of bigotry and trauma.
It won’t go well, and you know that. I would start looking into assistance for independent living. There are places that will help you live your life independently. I know, because I work at one. We go out of our way to support our clients, even running interference with family.
Look into that, please, for your own sake. No parent should say I take care of you despite your disability. Yikes. Good luck.” KaoJin-Wo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It feels like your mom is only accepting of you because she’s heard of no-contact stories of other LGBT parents with their children after not being supportive; her support feels very shallow and surface-level.
She’ll support you in private but not to anyone, and barely in private as she won’t go to bat for you against her partner. You’re her child, she should love and accept you unconditionally and go to bat for you even against her partner.
I don’t think I would trust her in your shoes either. Trusting her with things that are due to your disability sure, but in regards to gender and sexuality, not by a long shot. these are two different things; as someone also a part of the LGBT, I trust my nana with my life, but knowing she’s an old Italian lady I know introducing her to a partner would spark an argument and I wouldn’t want to put my partner in an environment where homophobes are either.
Don’t feel guilty; your mom is an ally only 20% of the time, not in front of people, just in front of you, and you’re trying to protect your partner from an event that can become hurtful and dangerous!” dearmoonie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have had experiences like this in the past and your mom didn’t defend you at all. Doesn’t mean you don’t love her, but in these kinds of situations, she’s given you no reason to trust that she’d have your back.
You are doing the right thing in looking out for your partner and not putting them in a potentially hurtful situation. Trust your gut, but at this point don’t trust your mom. Talk to your mom; let her know you love, and appreciate her, ask her to think of it this way: You have good reason to assume that homophobic Mr.X&Y are going to make some rude comments, You don’t want to hear them, you REALLY don’t want your partner to be subjected to that, and also you don’t want your mom to be put in that position.
It would be fantastic if she jumped in and told those jerks to back off – but even if she did; You & your partner would have been subjected to all that negativity, and it would be a very uncomfortable situation for everybody at that little party.
Your partner is coming out to have a fun relaxing time with you, they shouldn’t be put in a potentially hostile situation. (either should you).” CarrieCat62
11. AITJ For Refusing To House My Husband's Parents When He Has Many Siblings?
“My husband and I both come from a culture where it is normal for the grandparents to live with us when they are too old to take care of themselves.
I am an only child so my husband has known from the beginning that he will eventually get my parents too. He has no issues with that.
However, he comes from a large family. Lots of siblings and yet today, he told me his parents will be living with us within 10 years!
What the heck? I don’t understand why it has suddenly become our responsibility. It was always said that they will be moving in with their oldest daughter. And apparently, the entire family decided that’s not the case anymore and my husband will be getting them.
They are already in their 70s! Our youngest is not even 2 yet.
I told him no. I will not be living with his parents and I don’t see why his siblings aren’t taking turns to take care of his parents also.
We got into a fight about it. My parents only have me. His parents have many to pick from! And they all live closer than we do. AITJ that I rejected the idea even though he will be living with my parents eventually?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. So basically in ten years, he thinks “it’s fine” if you guys will be caring for two sets of parents and children who are becoming teenagers? That sounds very stressful. At least he’s taking into consideration how much space you’ll need to hold everyone, but you guys will have to be prepared if you’ll be hiring caretakers or asking the kids to help out.
Your husband’s sibling should definitely take his parents if they’re already closer, or at least be prepared to assist if there are future problems.” Looking-Glass4815
Another User Comments:
“I’m saying NTJ solely because your husband “informed you” rather than having a conversation about a changed status quo.
I don’t agree with the comments about “double standards.” That said, while I think being an only child should play a factor in the decision, I don’t think it is the deciding factor. I think it’s important to remember that taking in (and being responsible for caring for) family members is not a “tit for tat” situation.
It’s a case-by-case basis that should always be carefully considered with one’s SO. Finances and the emotional and mental capacity to care for human beings both represent finite resources. Your husband deciding unilaterally that as a family, you can both care for his parents and your own is unfair and has a lot more impact than just “space.” Older people get sick.
They need caregivers just as much as children.” IntrovertedMuser
Another User Comments:
“Tentative NTJ because there are a few points to clarify … 1. Do your husband’s siblings have kids? How old? Are they all NT? 2. What’s the financial situation for each household?
Are you the only ones who can afford to have extra people living with you? 3. Can your BILs and SILs contribute financially or with respite for you? (like taking the inlaws in for a week a few times a year, for example) if the grandparents all live with you?
4. If no one can have your husband’s parents live with them, would assisted living be possible? Generally though, it seems like this decision was made without you and that alone is grounds for a hard no. So NTJ.” Whaddyameanjellybean
10. AITJ For Being Upset My Brother Steals My Special Dietary Food?
“I (19f) have a lot of food restrictions, (due to in part being injured and other genetic issues) so I have my own food at my mom’s house that I cook and usually I buy. I’m in college but I’m at my mother’s house for the summer.
My brother (24m college dropout) has been taking my food since we were kids which caused me to be pretty underweight for most of my life, whereas he has been quite overweight for all of my memory.
So to the main part of the story.
I bought special sushi (which I love) for me to eat the next day. Along with Miso soup and seaweed salad. So I went to sleep and the next day when it was time to eat dinner (I’ve been unwell and usually eat once a day anyway) I open the fridge and see that my sushi was gone.
I was a bit upset so I asked my mother if she knew what happened and she said “I didn’t eat it but go ask your brother, you know how he is with food.” So I went to ask him.
He said that yes he took it and when I asked why he said “well you clearly don’t need the calories.” I was very upset and hurt.
AITJ for not getting my brother food too or labeling my food?
I’ve already lost around 10 pounds from my already underweight body in the past couple of weeks staying with my mother over the summer because he keeps taking my food.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ naturally. He took your food and you can’t take other food besides yours. He is abusive to tell you, you don’t need the calories when you are already underweight. I would recommend getting your own fridge or going away (to your own place).
That behavior is unacceptable and can create really dangerous situations. By the way, I would recommend to tell your mother, that you won’t visit anymore until your brother has understood what he did wrong and given you an honest apology.
Also if possible, please try to eat more than one meal a day. Your health is important. And if it’s hard because of other reasons besides your food restrictions I would recommend getting professional help. You deserve to be treated better.” TimelessPandaa
Another User Comments:
“Wait wait, just hold on here. You bought food, specifically for yourself keeping your restrictions into account. It got stolen. Then you are insulted when confronting the thief. And now you are wondering/asking if you are the jerk for not buying extra food for your brother????
What the heck?? Your brother and mother are major jerks here!! They have no respect for your condition, money, or propriety and somehow they raised you with a mentality that you are so far gone that you don’t even see how you are being abused!
Get help, please get help, and surround yourself with people that care about you.” L-Anderson
Another User Comments:
“I spend WAY too much time on this forum, so stuff I used to think was rare is an everyday occurrence here.
But you said something that made me think “there’s something you don’t see every day!’ “So I (19f) have a lot of food restrictions, (due to in part being injured and other genetic issues).” Did you mean actually injured, or something else?
Not that it’s pertinent to the situation, I’m just nosy, lol. Obviously NTJ. I agree your mom has failed you – is she the one who thinks boys have more value than girls? Because it’s hard to imagine she can’t see you’re starving to death and won’t do anything to help you.
Do whatever it takes to protect your food, you clearly need to protect yourself as no one else is watching out for you. I wish you all the best. NTJ.” Drive-by-poster
9. AITJ For Taking A Stray Dog To A Shelter After No One Claimed Him?
“My friend and I were driving back from skiing and found a dog wandering the highway. We stopped and lured him out with treats. I already have a dog and had a slip leash so we got that on him and took him back and to my vet.
She didn’t find a chip and I put him on social media to see if the owner might turn up. He was staying with me for a few weeks but no one ever claimed him.
I travel a lot and my dog always goes to my parents when I do.
He was previously my sister’s dog that I took because she moved to live in England. I have to travel for work as well. I often travel out of the country for weeks. My parents made it clear they didn’t want to look after 2 dogs and I can’t afford to pay for him to be housed every time.
I also am leaving for a month-long trip soon which costs about $2k to house him which is insane.
I asked my friend who found him with me to take him. He didn’t want him either because he is going to uni and his roommates wouldn’t allow a dog.
I asked a few more friends if they would take him and no one agreed so I told my friend I was going to bring him to the SPCA shelter. My friend was very against it saying I took in the dog so now he’s mine and my responsibility.
I only took him in to find his owner and I didn’t want to adopt him. He insisted it was my responsibility and I told him I’m taking him to a shelter if he can’t find a home for him.
He yelled at me through the phone that this dog was going to be killed and it was going to be my fault. The SPCA is no kill but of course who knows for sure but I was leaving for my trip soon so I had to drop him off the night before my trip.
I never named him because I didn’t want to become attached. He’s probably a pit bull mix so I wonder if he will ever be adopted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ why isn’t your friend who objected taking him in himself?
Seriously though, as someone who’s volunteered at several animal shelters before and hates to see an animal go homeless, you did all you could, and I commend you for doing as much as you did because a lot of people wouldn’t.
You could double-check the shelter is no-kill and if they aren’t find one that actually is (vegan-run shelters tend to be extremely strict about this, if that helps), but apart from that you aren’t obliged to take him in just because you rescued him.
Hopefully, this is actually an amazing opportunity for him and he finds his forever home from it.” saltysweetbonbon
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did a great thing by getting the dog to a safe home, taking care of him, and then going the extra mile to ensure he’s safe with a shelter versus being out on the streets again.
You won’t be wrong for looking at it realistically and deciding that your lifestyle wasn’t ready for a second dog. Your friend is kinda lowkey a jerk though, IMO. He was with you when you took the dog in, so if he is so against the dog going to a shelter, then he should step up and care for him.
But, he says he’s not able to since his lifestyle currently can’t accommodate…so he shouldn’t get to judge you for doing the same.” chaoticallysubtle_
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did all the right things. You weren’t in a position to keep him yourself but you didn’t leave him on the side of the road like a lot of people would do.
And as someone who used to work at a shelter, no-kill and “kill” shelters really do everything they can to find an adopter. Euthanasia is an absolute last resort. It’s true that pit mixes seem to take a bit longer to find homes but if he’s a sweet dog then it’ll happen when the right person meets him!
Don’t worry about it and don’t let any of those people make you feel bad. You did the right thing. It kind of makes me sad that people demonize shelters like that. They aren’t ideal BUT they give these animals a chance to find a loving home and in the meantime, they’re safe and fed.” Minter_moon
8. AITJ For Asking The CEO About His Daily Responsibilities During My Interview?
“I had offers on the table so when a recruiter reached out, she knew she had to move fast. I spoke to their COO on Wed and then had several calls since. He told the recruiter they were going to fast-track my interviews to get me an offer because I was the “perfect” fit.
My interest in it was average compared to others on the table. 3 of the interviews from this company were this morning along with a project last night. I was exhausted and brain-dead from all this.
On my 5th and final interview, the CEO asked me after 15 minutes in if I had any questions for him – I didn’t.
This was my 6th 30-60 minute call including the recruiter discover call. I stumbled and said, “Not really… uhmmm … can you tell me about your day-to-day responsibilities?” I don’t know. I just felt I had to come up with something and he never talked about himself in the first 15 minutes – it was all complex questions about my abilities.
He laughed and said “I think that’s enough, thanks” and hung up immediately. I told the recruiter and she called me in complete confusion about why the 180. I’m thankful I’m not working there but darn, is this response actually justified?
Could I be the jerk here for asking something he thinks is silly?”
Another User Comments:
“My guess is it wasn’t the question. But rather the tone of the question. OP is there any chance you came across as “over it” by the time you interviewed with the CEO?
The way you quoted yourself in the post… it sounds as tho you could possibly, unintentionally have come across like you weren’t really interested in the company. In reality, you were just out of questions. But depending on how came across with your response is probably the bigger issue.” Ok-Purpose5911
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You bombed the interview. It doesn’t make you a jerk. Though that was definitely a weird question to ask. He’s also not a jerk for not hiring you after that weird question. Next time ask about the position YOU are applying for if you have one.
It’s okay to not have one. Not questions about someone else’s job.” What_Was_I_doi
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. While I don’t necessarily agree with it, I’m guessing the CEO likely picked up correctly that you weren’t actually that interested and your lack of having prepared questions was probably just the last bit of info he needed to make a decision.
I’ve interviewed people who didn’t show interest or passion and ya I’m just looking for an excuse to wrap things up and save us both time. I don’t think you did anything wrong at all, but it honestly sounds like it worked out for both you and that company.” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Insisting My Dad Attend My Second Graduation?
“I have finished two degrees at a prestigious uni. The university is well known for holding graduations in a world-renowned landmark venue; this was something I was excited about since first starting out here.
I finished my Master’s last year. Due to my undergrad graduation getting pushed, they both took place this year in rapid succession: my first one, in March, was students-only, with parents and family watching online. My second Master’s graduation, which is upcoming next month, is in person, with my parents being able to actually enter the aforementioned venue.
This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing that I’ve been excited about for years!
Growing up I’ve always been sore about both my parents, but specifically my dad, snubbing me at important events in my life due to being busy with work.
For context, they both have white-collar jobs and travel around a lot. As such, while I consider my March graduation to be ‘the big one’, as it celebrates my longest degree, I have made it incredibly clear how important BOTH my graduations are to them.
My mom canceled all her plans for both days pretty much instantly.
My dad came to my city to attend my March graduation (for about 12 hours before flying out again), and although he wasn’t allowed in the venue, we had a nice dinner together and a good time.
Today he called me up saying there’s no way he’ll make it to the second one, and that he has no choice in this. The reason he gave was that he had an in-person meeting with his boss that would ‘reflect badly on him in future reviews’ if he canceled, increasing his risks of potentially getting fired should the time ever come for a staff shortage.
He already had the flights booked. He stressed he doesn’t have a choice in the matter. I got extremely upset as this brought back a lot of painful memories for me, and I told him that he always had a choice and that I wouldn’t forget the choice he made now.
About an hour later he calls me and tells me that he told his boss he’s not making the meeting and changed his flights so he’s in my city for exactly 6 hours during my graduation before flying back. He then proceeded to make me feel incredibly guilty for making him look bad in front of his boss.
He told me he’s already been to one graduation and can see the world-famous venue some other time by booking in as a tourist, so he doesn’t see why this is so important to me, but that he’s coming because I ‘threw a fit’ and now he feels like he has no choice.
I’ll be honest, typing this out makes me feel like I may not be the jerk here, but I’d still like to know if I’m wrong. So, AITJ for throwing a fit to make my dad attend my second graduation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were disappointed, and you let him know it. He then made a different choice, which tells you that he did, in fact, have a choice in the matter. And now he’s manipulating you because no matter what you do, he’s going to blame you.
You’re his child – you have the right to tell him if you’re going to be disappointed. And, he should have had the maturity to tell you that he can’t make it and then stuck to his decision. Both of you could have handled it with more maturity, but in your case, maturity comes with age.
In his case, it’s something that seems to have passed him by.” beek_r
Another User Comments:
“If you threw a tantrum and gave him a load of verbal then YTJ, but your post just says you got upset and I’ll go with what the post says.
So NTJ. My reasoning is my dad has let me down at every point of my life, not because of work just because he’s not a very good dad, I see him a few times a year now. So I understand how it feels to want the support of your nearest and dearest and how it feels when they let you down.
It sounds like your dad is more interested in not upsetting his manager than not upsetting you which in this instance is bad of him. When his conscience kicked in and he cancelled he definitely shouldn’t have tried to shame you, which I guess is him just passing the blame on to you if his boss was annoyed. Now IF you threw a tantrum and didn’t handle it very well, gave him a load of trouble and guilt tripped him etc etc then I would say everyone sucks here.
You for having a tantrum and him for not understanding the importance of your graduation and putting work first, and then blaming you. Congratulations on graduating, and I have no idea how you did both at the same time. I started uni at 27 work full time and can’t wait to graduate, 4 years to go till I get my days off back.
I love it though.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I was close to ESH because it sounds like you both use manipulation to get what you want which seems… unhealthy but two things make me lean in your favor. This isn’t the first this kind of thing has happened from how you tell it and this is important to you so you’re letting him know that by putting your foot down.
Fair enough. Two, he managed to change his meeting with his boss and flights in an hour. Sounds like his boss didn’t put up much of a fight. I know plenty of people in white-collar jobs and I’m pretty sure all of them could get a meeting with their boss moved for a kid’s graduation.
Seems like your dad just values his work over you sadly. I think you’re to the age that you need to celebrate your own accomplishments and seek less validation from your dad. You know who he is and where he is at.
You just have to decide if you think he loves you in his own weird way, or if he’s just only focused on work. Either way, I think the validation you want from him won’t come if it hasn’t yet so best to try to accept that.” Azure_Allure23
6. AITJ For Telling My Best Friend Our Concerns About His Partner?
“At first our friend group was ecstatic about my best friend meeting someone new and having us meet her. We tried to include her in our friend group, but very fast we saw she made no effort to talk to us or be with us.
She was either quiet, by herself, or had his tongue down her throat. A few times we met they were alone in the corner making out and in those few times, she barely said hello or not even that. Even he was annoyed with her since he wanted to hang out with us, not make out constantly, and told her to stop multiple times.
She then screamed like a child in his face “playfully” and kept on going. I even tried talking to her about things she likes and she wasn’t interested in having a conversation with me. Or anyone else for that matter.
We quickly had a bad feeling but didn’t get a chance to know her.
He moved in with her after a month of being together on the other side of the country. He rarely texted us and didn’t visit for almost a year.
I texted him to remind him that my partner was celebrating his birthday and that he would be really happy if he surprised him. We made a deal that he would come and sleep over. A few days pass and he asks me to send pictures of us together for a gift and I ask if he’s coming and he says “we’re coming.” My face dropped, I knew my partner wasn’t going to be very happy about her coming along so I told him and he got upset and said he didn’t want to spend his birthday being with someone who puts no effort into being friends with us.
He said he doesn’t want to be uncomfortable on his birthday. We spent an hour trying to text him if he could come alone. I stayed respectful and also stated that we could always meet up together and try again.
Apparently, she went on his phone and read his messages and she saw my message and flipped. He almost didn’t show up because they argued so much. He came over and we had a talk with him and told him how we see her and that we’re worried since he always had toxic partners and always defended them.
He said he would try talking to her but he made it seem as if she’s the one deciding on our friendship. She blocked me everywhere and told him she wouldn’t hang out ever again.
Did I do anything wrong?
Is she right to be upset?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but everything that your friend is doing is what he’s choosing and you’re putting way too much blame on his partner. It’s solely his partner’s fault that his tongue is down her throat and they’re always making out around you all?
No. Plus, if you’re asking him to travel for a birthday that all the friends are celebrating, it’s not unheard of that he’d bring his partner. You all are bringing your SOs too. If you think he’s in a toxic or abusive situation, then having one big conversation with him is good, but moving forward, you all shouldn’t keep belaboring the point because you will push him away.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I think it’s reasonable to be speaking to your friend about these types of things especially if their partner may be toxic — I can also see how rude it is for the partner of your friend to insist on coming along but also refusing to socialize with you guys.
But, imo as well, if he makes the conscious decision to follow through with his partner’s wants, then that is his fault. I get that he’s your close friend, but whatever he decides is what he decides. It’s much better for your partner to celebrate his birthday with friends who will make the effort to go.
if that friend of yours CHOOSES not to, then maybe it’s for the best that he doesn’t go.” TheLoudPoet2222
Another User Comments:
“It’s very sweet that you all care for your friend and want the very best for them.
It’s hard to find friends like that these days. And you all are willing to put your friendship on the line in order to tell them your concerns. But at some point – you have to let it go if the person doesn’t want to change.
You can’t change anyone – all you can do is bring up your concerns and give them a chance to respond. Anything past that will only cause pain to both parties since no one is going to budge. The harsh reality is – you now know he’s a package deal with her when you invite him.
So time to make changes on your end and that might include no longer inviting him. One day he’ll ask why you all are hanging out without him and then you have an opportunity to remind him of your concerns.
Until then – you have no control over his adult choices. And sadly part of getting older is growing apart from some folks. People can grow apart and it’s just the hard part of life to chew on.” Foamy-lizard
5. AITJ For Not Inviting My Sister's Dog To My Wedding?
“My (26M) wedding is coming up in a few months, and I’ve been busy with all the planning. One of the issues I’ve run into is my sister (28F) and her dog. My sister is obsessed with her dog, a large and somewhat poorly-trained Bernese Mountain dog.
(cute but a demon) She takes it everywhere with her, including family gatherings, despite the fact that many of us have asked her not to.
For context, her dog has caused a lot of problems in the past. At my cousin’s wedding, her dog knocked over an elderly guest and tore up some of the decorations.
At our family’s holiday dinner last year, it ate part of the turkey off the table when no one was looking. My sister always brushes it off, saying her dog is just energetic and friendly.
When I sent out my wedding invitations, I decided not to invite her dog.
I know she will bring it anyway if I just ask her not to, so I told her that she can’t bring the dog and that if she does, she won’t be allowed in. My sister was furious and said that if her dog isn’t welcome, she isn’t coming either.
She accused me of not caring about her happiness and making her choose between her family and her dog.
My parents think I should just let her bring the dog to keep the peace, but my fiancé and I are firm on this.
We want our wedding to be a calm and beautiful day without any chaos. I’ve tried to compromise by suggesting she find a pet sitter for the day, but she refused and insists that her dog is part of the family.
AITJ for not inviting my sister to my wedding because she always brings her dog?”
Another User Comments:
“We brought our dogs (when allowed by hosts) to family gatherings. They were both voice command trained as utility dogs and we always had them under control.
If someone was coming who was afraid of dogs, we either didn’t bring them or kept them on a leash right by us (we had someone stop in who was afraid of dogs, so we immediately added extra control. No arguments, just did it!) That said, a wedding is NOT a place for a dog.
Strangers and overstimulation is a recipe for disaster under the best of circumstances. What if a guest had been attacked previously by a dog? Are they not allowed their “happiness” at an event they attend? I’m sure they didn’t accept and think “hmm, there might be a dog attending.” Stand your ground.
No dog. If she can’t attend because of this, THAT IS HER CHOICE! Your wedding. Your rules! End of discussion.” Kirshalla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Even if the dog would always be well behaved – it’s your choice who comes to your wedding and who doesn’t.
I‘m a person who doesn’t like dogs and when I tell that to people they act like I say I murder them in my free time. You don’t have to love a dog, just as much as you don’t have to love every family member.
Stay strong in your opinion and don’t let them make you feel bad for it. It’s your day (and your partner’s) and you should feel good about it.” butterfly_thougts246
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You did invite her.
You just didn’t invite the dog. (I’m sure your cousin would be on your side). She, of course, is not obligated to attend. Make sure you have someone at the venue who knows not to let her in with the dog.
Are dogs allowed at the venue? That being said, telling her to hire a pet sitter isn’t a “compromise,” because that’s what you’d want her to do. What would you prefer over that? Don’t tell her you are compromising. Just that dogs aren’t welcome, and your cousin’s wedding experience reinforces your stance.” Usrname52
4. AITJ For Confronting My Brother-In-Law Over His Reaction To His Baby's Gender Reveal?
“Last week my sister was having a gender reveal party. When the gender was revealed to be female, her husband got all disappointed and basically sat in the corner angrily mumbling to himself. Obviously, this made everyone really uncomfortable, and my sister really distraught.
I decided to talk to him because frankly he was acting ridiculous and I thought I could make him see that so he could just move past it.
I asked him why he was so upset, and he was like “Really?
Obviously I don’t want a daughter, I wanted a son”. I asked, why gender matters so much, and he called me a jerk. I responded with “come on man, are you really gonna just throw a tantrum? Do you even care how your wife feels about this.” He yelled, “How dare you try and tell me what to do in my own home, you stupid jerk”.
At this point, I lost my temper a little, and I said “If you plan on raising a child in a few months you better stop acting like one yourself. Just do everyone a favor and grow up”.
He started getting increasingly hostile and I realized I was not accomplishing my goal so I removed myself from the situation.
Later my sister got mad AT ME, and said I should have just left him be, and now it’s my fault that he is “refusing to raise a girl”. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Info: Is your sister in an abusive relationship?
This doesn’t sound like a once-off behavior. If she is, you’d better get some professional advice on how best to support her because I can’t see a scenario where this guy would be a good dad… If she is, her “blaming” you for his behavior is not completely unexpected (although it is insulting to you), since this is one of the ways victims of abuse placate their abusers.
Please do all you can to help and support her, OP. She might not even be ready to hear this just yet, but when the baby comes, things are going to get real.” ididitforcheese
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but this raises some serious concerns.
It sounds like your sister might potentially be in an abusive situation. His making a scene and being angry about the baby being a girl is a HUGE red flag. He should be happy about having a baby period… many people are not so fortunate.
And his response to you is just as concerning. Your sister really needs to think about whether or not she wants to raise a child in that already super tense household. If not, she needs to get out now before the kid is born.” jupiter0342
Another User Comments:
“I’m deeming this an ESH. You are extremely justified in standing up for both your sister and your future niece. When it went south, you de-escalated. You were the hero we all needed. BIL because while it can be understandable to be a tad disappointed (maybe someone gets hyped up and buys too many clothes, I don’t know), who the heck refuses to raise their child?
That’s just astronomically a jerk. You’re not remotely to blame for his monstrous “decision”. That’s 100% his horror show. Sister’s going to need her family. Good to know what kind of person the sperm donor was early on.” Decent_Ad6389
3. AITJ For Criticizing My Daughter's Attachment To A Blanket Her Partner Knitted For Her?
“I (50) have a daughter (25f). Recently her partner (27m) knitted her a blanket with her name knitted on and it doesn’t look the best. But for some reason my daughter loves it, and whenever I’m visiting her apartment she almost always has it on her when she’s sitting on her couch or bed. It does get really cold where we live, but the extent to which she likes this blanket is odd as if she is a child who’s obsessed with a stuffed animal or toy.
I recently asked her about it and she said she likes it because her partner made it and it “reminds” her of him since they don’t live together yet, and it is extremely large on her so it’s comfortable. I told her that she was acting like a child.
She said that she wasn’t. I repeated that she was definitely acting like a child and that I found it weird. She told me she had no idea why I would find it weird and told me to leave her alone.
I told her she was being infantilized and it was disgusting. She said that she would kick me out of her apartment if I didn’t stop arguing with her so I remained quiet. I’m starting to think I may be the jerk for accusing her and her partner of such things, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Normally I would offer at least a brief explanation as to why I voted that way. But you just annoy me. I’ve seen a lot of nonsense over the past few days, but this is by far the most nonsensical nonsense that’s ever been nonsensed. You really want a problem with your daughter liking something her partner made for her?
Really? It doesn’t matter that it doesn’t look like a masterpiece. He made it for her and it is special to her. I’m trying my best not to use all kinds of language that would probably get me banned. I like it here too much and you aren’t worth it.
It must be really sad being you. No one has ever put any effort into making you anything. That’s probably for the best because you wouldn’t appreciate it anyway. Get out of here.” Comfortable_Fig7671
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and here’s why: I’m a knitter.
That stuff takes TIME. Lots of time and sometimes hand cramps or muscle difficulties. Yarn can be expensive. Knitting is a valuable creative skill where you literally make a useful thing out of base materials with all of that effort and knowledge and LOVE.
I’d be DELIGHTED if someone knitted me a cozy blanket and I’d keep it around a lot too. There is nothing wrong with her taking comfort in an item made by someone who loves her. Especially if they don’t live with her yet.
Maybe you’d calm down if someone spent all of that time and effort and skill making something lovely for you.” Capable_Basket1661
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t just tell your daughter that you didn’t like something she is doing, you were unnecessarily rude.
In HER residence. She’s not doing anything illegal or immoral. She’s using a blanket she loves, which has special meaning to her. You sound bitter and jealous. That’s a great way to push your daughter away. Instead of appreciating her partner’s kindness and effort, you’re being nasty to your daughter.
Hopefully, she learns to set boundaries with you and doesn’t tolerate your pettiness any longer.” RedForTheWin
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Celebrate My Birthday Due To Past Experiences With My Sister?
“All my life (25) I’ve never really enjoyed my birthday.
Growing up with a narcissistic sister meant that I had to share my birthday gifts. For example: If I got a game for my birthday, my sister would have to get the same exact game at the same time as when I opened it or else she would ruin the whole day.
Even after she moved out, I wasn’t allowed to talk about any gifts I received in case she threw a tantrum. She’s also 9 years older than me.
I don’t talk to my sister anymore but after all those birthdays I ended up resenting the day entirely, I hated that it was like my sister got 2 birthdays and I got 0.
So I just gave up the day when I was about 11 or so and haven’t celebrated since.
Where I might be the jerk: My parents try to ask me what I want to do or what gifts I want, and I tell them every year that I want neither.
They always end up calling me the jerk because they think I’m holding the past against them. But in my opinion: why would I start celebrating a day that was never special to begin with?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “If I got a game for my birthday, my sister would have to get the same exact game at the same time as when I opened it or else she would ruin the whole day.” WTH???!!!
“They think I’m holding the past against them.” And???!!! They ARE jerks! WOW! I can’t EVEN! You can pick your family. They do not have to be blood. Look to your friends who love and support you. If you eventually want to celebrate with THEM, go for it.
If you never want to celebrate with anyone EVER, that is certainly your choice. I am just so sorry that this happened to you. I am guessing that your sister turned out to be a real piece of work.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. First of all the way my jaw dropped when you said she’s NINE YEARS OLDER than you. Second, I have lots of friends who hate their birthday for reasons like this (the day never really got to be about them/bad relationships with family) and I spoil the heck out of them when their bday comes around.
Plan themed parties, take them to dinner, make sure they know how loved they are, and it’s started to be a day they look forward to. Other people have made the same comment, but don’t let your family steal your birthday from you forever: spoil yourself!
Get a fancy dinner, go to a spa, and take the day off from work. You matter and your birthday should be a day to celebrate yourself on your terms. This also means if you don’t want to do anything that is lovely and valid don’t do a gosh dang thing you don’t want to do.
But know, from strangers on the internet, that you deserve to be spoiled and doted on.” RevolutionaryFace706
Another User Comments:
“I never celebrated my birthday, it isn’t much of a deal where I live. My first and last celebrated birthday was when I was 4.
I got cake and Bionicle. I remember only that the cake was awful and that I already had all 12 Bionicles (original series, the mutated ones weren’t out yet) so I was disappointed. I never really wanted anything so I proceeded with wishing the first thing I could remember from commercials like Lego, monopoly, etc. Now that I am an adult, I resent giving and getting presents.
It just goes against my skin. Most of the things I need or want, I can buy myself, so when someone gives me a present it’s either unuseful nonsense or something I already have plenty of. I usually felt horrible for not appreciating the presents, as a kid I tried to pretend that I was happy.
As an adult who keeps telling my family multiple times every year, I no longer have any sympathy for them. I just add their unuseful nonsense to the pile in the closet and show them how useful is my pile of nonsense now when they add another item to it.” AsleepScarcity9588
1. AITJ For Refusing To Pay My Daughter's Tuition After She Changed Her Major?
“My daughter, who is 19, told me she was going to college to major in computer science.
I was ecstatic about this because she’s been set on majoring in illustration. For years I’ve been trying to talk her out of it. I know she loves illustration but it is extremely hard to get a steady job out of that.
I wanted her to do something she could be successful in. I want her to have a wider range of opportunities.
As it turns out, she lied to me. She’s majoring in illustration. She got some mail about some art exhibition at her school.
I thought nothing of it at first because I knew she was a computer science major. After looking into it a bit more, I found out her work was chosen to be displayed in the exhibition.
I was furious. I’ve spent tens of thousands of hard-earned money on computer science.
That’s what we agreed on. I told her she can do what she wants but I will not support her. She can pay for it herself or get her mother to pay. Or she could begin to pay me back for the money she took from me, interest-free.
My wife said I’m being unreasonable, that she’s only 19, and asking her to pay for her own tuition is asking too much of her. I didn’t think it was as I agreed to pay for her to study computer science, nothing else.
I was also giving her a chance to make what she did right. I was deceived and my money was going towards something I had no say in.
Now my wife and daughter are upset with me. I’m starting to reflect and think maybe I could’ve been nicer about the situation.”
Another User Comments:
“Former advisor who helped students find their best-fit major here. 1. You can no more pick your kid’s major than you can choose whom they see and then marry. Sure, maybe her life would be easier with a rich partner, but her heart belongs to illustration.
2. A longstanding interest is unlikely to change. She’s been seeing someone; she’s ready to marry this career path. 3. You would’ve wasted your money paying for a degree she didn’t want. If she didn’t want to study it for four years, what makes you think she wants to do it all day, every day, for the rest of her life?
Statistically, she’d almost certainly have dropped out or changed paths within five years. I appreciate you want to set your kid up for success. I get it. If she doesn’t find a job, she won’t curl up in a fetal position and cry.
She’ll keep looking, and make her way, by and by, just like all the other adults. Especially if she has support. Either way, she isn’t going to be a computer engineer. Let her self-actualize, and don’t offer to pay for the wedding only if you choose a different groom, dude.
YTJ.” By_and_by_and_by
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Firstly….dayum. If I had parents like you I would go NC real quick, talk about critical and unsupportive. Second; HER WORK IS BEING DISPLAYED AT AN EXHIBITION. Do you KNOW how big that is?
It means not only is she pursuing her passion, she’s GOOD at it. I’m also not entirely sure you understand the illustration industry. Stable jobs are the norm in it. One of my friends is an illustrator for Scholastic; he started working for them at age 21 and has been with them ever since (he is now 34).
It pays very well and he lives very comfortably. It’s competitive and in high demand right now, not to mention the degree can get her a job not only illustrating but in graphic design, animation, production design, etc. You messed up, bud.
You have a very, VERY slim window to make this right and I suggest you take it because if you don’t, she’s gone.” Guardian-Boy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. As a college professor, I’ve seen a hundred parents who force their children to major in something the child has no interest in.
This really messes up the child especially because the parents then think that their child will get a good job in this field they have no interest in. Is this what you want for your daughter? I teach business and I recently had a student come to me about registering for the fall semester.
He told me that he really wants to be a high school gym teacher, so we switched his major to education, figured out what courses he’d have to take, and he wasn’t depressed anymore. If your child comes to me, I’ll do the same thing with her.” ClothesQueasy2828
