People Start Drama In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Telling My Unemployed Partner He's Turning Into His Lazy Father?
“My partner doesn’t really like his father. He thinks he’s lazy (he’s unemployed) and doesn’t like the way he treats his mother. My partner always talks about how he doesn’t respect him because of his laziness, and he doesn’t like that his father makes his mother completely take care of him.
Recently, my partner has started doing the same with me. He’s unemployed, and I’m taking care of everything. He says he’s depressed, but he is refusing any help. I sat down with him last night while he was playing video games and asked him if he would consider therapy to help him through everything he’s going through right now.
He said he didn’t like therapists. I told him that he’s falling into the same pattern his father did (which is his biggest fear) and that he’d have to make a change if he wants to do better.
AITJ for telling him that he’s turning into his father?”
Another User Comments:
“You know the conversation that was had but as long as it wasn’t an attack on him (your significant other) then NTJ. If he doesn’t like therapists (did he explain why?), can you think of someone else you two, or just him if he wants to go solo can talk to?
Hope for both your sanity something gets figured out before too many bad habits get ingrained!” Eragon-19
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it sounds to me the way you went about talking to him (if this is the exact way it went down) that you were very mature and did it in a caring way.
I’m going a agree with another person on here who said something along the lines of if your partner doesn’t like therapy then is there a reason why? And if not a therapist then is there someone you both or just him can talk to and help him work through some of the root causes of his depression so it is not consuming his life.” DragonReader338
Another User Comments:
“What is up with these lazy individuals sitting around playing video games? It seems like every day there’s a post about some lazy partner who is either unemployed or not helping with housework and child care because they’re just sitting idling playing nonstop video games.
If my husband was just sitting idling playing video games all day instead of working or looking for a job I think I’d go nuclear lol!” ChemistrySecure3409
21. AITJ For Saying Long Distance Relationships Don't Count As Real Relationships?
“I (F19) have a friend (F18) who has recently been talking about moving in with her long-distance partner, talking about how this is her “next big step”.
Now, I have no problem with their relationship, it’s cute and the guy is nice. It’s just the fact that they have been in this relationship for 4 years and recently our group (including her) was just discussing our relationships and she made the comment “yeah we’re like high school sweethearts” because one of our friends didn’t really know about it.
But I said “well that doesn’t really count because that would mean you went to school together.”
It seemed to just rub her the wrong way because later she asked me what I meant by that and I said again “I mean we all know long distance doesn’t count, you barely spend time together” and when I said that she just hung up and sent the text “thanks for that input but that wasn’t needed.” Since then she hasn’t been talking to me.
A lot of our friends think that it was wrong I said that but I was just being honest.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. According to your definition, I have been married only 7 years instead of 15 because the time my husband has been deployed and overseas doesn’t count.
Maybe to you, a long-distance relationship doesn’t count but to others it does. Honestly, anyone can have a physical relationship but having a mental and emotional relationship is just as important, sometimes even more, than a physical one. By the way: A high school sweetheart is one in which a couple sustained a relationship in high school.
It isn’t contingent on going to the same school. It just implies two who have been together since/during their teenage years.” OkSwitch9477
Another User Comments:
“Yes. YTJ. Long distance is just as valid as being with someone while in the same town. As someone who’s been in a long-distance relationship twice, the first time a failure and the second time I’ve now lived with him for about 2 years, been with him for about 3.
Long distance is arguably the hardest of the two because some people aren’t fortunate enough to have their SO come and visit them like I did. So hearing someone say it’s not valid can be a gut punch.” ACuriousZombie
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
How…. do you not see what you did wrong here? I would actually go as far as to say long-distance relationships have a tendency to be stronger than relationships between people who have met and spent time together in person. Relationships like that are built on trust, respect & loyalty.
I am in a relationship with my partner who lives in England while I’m in America, and the bond I have with that man is stronger and more meaningful than any bond I have ever curated with another human being. When you say “I was just being honest” you really were just being a jerk.
You did not bring up one good point, at all. YTJ YTJ YTJ YTJ YTJ YTJ x10000000000000.” [deleted]
20. AITJ For Telling My Aunt She Can't Bring Her Child To My Graduation?
“At my school, we only get 10 graduation tickets and we have 10 people already invited her being one of them. My aunt is only coming because my mother made me invite her, she’s known for being difficult and everything had to be her way.
Well she wants to bring her child and that means I need to buy another grad ticket so I told her if she wants to come at all to leave her kid with her husband who is the kid’s dad and he could be… you know.
A father. And now I’m getting scrutinized for telling her to solve the issues with her child or not come at all because it’s not her day so she doesn’t get a choice about what happens or who’s invited?”
Another User Comments:
“10 tickets? My kids got 4 (both HS and college).
It is not your job to problem-solve for the adults in your life. Blame the school….sorry no more tickets.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If your aunt wants to bring her child, she can pony up the money for another ticket herself. It’s your graduation, and you have people you want to invite.” bamf1701
Another User Comments:
“Graduation tickets are coveted tickets and should feel like an HONOR. If she isn’t honoring You on Your One Day then no prob, take the ticket away. No room for toxicity on your day. NTJ.” Bbiggs65
19. AITJ For Refusing To Lend My Sister More Money When She Already Owes Me $600?
“My (17) sister is spam messaging me over Discord (it’s over 80 messages) because she needs money and is telling me how much she loves me and stuff, that I should give her the money, but she owes me over 600 dollars and I don’t want to do that anymore.
I don’t know why but it feels like I’m being used here and when I bring that up everyone around me keeps saying I’m just drawing random dots and I should just give her the money. But ever since I got my job a few months back everyone keeps asking me for money and I don’t know why.
My sister is freaking out, she is spamming me and everything again and it’s making me scared and freak out and it’s just too much.”
Another User Comments:
“You are probably a people pleaser and now you have a job, people look at you for free money.
Stand up for yourself. View some YouTube videos on ‘setting boundaries’, honestly, it is a skill you can learn. And in your case, it may earn you a fortune. Everyone around you says you should give her money? How much are they giving her? Remember two things: your sister’s money problems are not solved by giving her money.
You can give her a million and she will just spend it and ask for more. And call you a jerk again. Never do JANE – Justify your ‘no’, Apologize, Negotiate or Explain. No is a complete answer. “No that does not work for me” repeated 100 times also works, if you like more words.
Never JANE.” LightPhotographer
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t your sister’s piggy bank. She has no right to expect you to lend her money, especially in light of the $600 debt. Your family IS using you. The money you earn is yours, it’s not some kind of common fund for your parents, siblings, etc. They don’t even have any right to know how much you earn.
Tell your sister, flat out, that you will not lend her another cent because she has shown that she doesn’t respect you enough to pay you back in a timely fashion and that she has to pay you back the $600 that she already owes you.
If people keep pushing for access to your hard-earned money start blocking people.” CuriousEmphasis7698
Another User Comments:
“INFO: Since your parents are controlling your money, will they help you keep control of your money or are they encouraging you to lend to your sister? One of the challenges when you have friends and family who don’t have money of their own, are terrible with managing money, and don’t want to earn it themselves, is that if they see a way to take your money, they will do it without guilt.
Your sister and others see no reason to earn their own money if they can take yours. They don’t respect you. They don’t respect the hours you work and the effort you put in. They don’t respect whatever you might be saving for. If your parents are on your side, ask them to help you save your money and get your sister to stop begging for your money.
If they are not on your side, see if you can open a bank account at a bank different from your parents’ bank and put your money away where no one but you can access it. Do not talk about money or your pay or how many hours you work because that just makes them want your money more.
Saying no is hard if you don’t have plans for your money, but if you have plans for your money, it can be much easier to say you can’t afford to give them money. (no more explanation than that). If you know you need to have a specific amount of money by a specific date to pay for college or an apartment of your own, suddenly you will see how hard that will be to achieve if you give away your money.
It becomes much easier to take a hard line. You may need to block and avoid your sister and others for a while if they won’t take no for an answer. You may lose a few friends if you refuse to give them money. That’s ok…because that will show you who is your friend and who is just using you.” StellaByStarlight42
18. AITJ For Considering Legal Action Against My Husband For Selling Our Belongings?
“I’m currently pregnant with our first child, and I’ve been married to my husband for 3 years now. He’s always worked extremely hard for our family. He’s the one who bought our house and supported us financially while I’ve been at home and focusing on other things.
I know he’s been under a lot of stress lately, but I just found out something that’s really shaken me to my core.
Apparently, over the past few months, my husband has been selling things from around our house. Things that belong to me, to my family, and even things I thought we were holding onto for sentimental reasons.
Some of it is valuable, but a lot of it was just personal stuff, like my dad’s watches or mom’s designer bags, gifts, and items I never thought we’d part with. When I confronted him about it, he admitted to selling things, but he insisted that he didn’t think it would bother me and that he was just trying to “make ends meet.” He’s been going through some financial struggles lately, and while I can understand that, the fact that he took things without telling me (things that were important to me) makes me feel betrayed. I feel torn because on one hand, I know he’s worked so hard for our family and has always been the one to provide, but on the other hand, I feel like what he did was wrong.
Some of these items are irreplaceable, and I can’t just brush this off.
Now, I’m questioning whether I should take legal action. I’m seriously considering suing him to get back the value of what was sold, but I feel guilty. He’s worked so hard for us, and I feel like a bad person for even considering this.
But at the same time, I feel like I need to protect what’s mine and what’s been stolen from me..”
Another User Comments:
“Honey, you need to take a close look at your finances. If you’re in the US, check your credit report.
Find statements for all your accounts. Ask him for statements for anything he has sole ownership of (like a 401k). Someone doesn’t go through the house finding random stuff to sell secretly to “make ends meet” unless they have exhausted other possibilities. There may be loans in your name that you don’t know about.
He may have run through retirement savings or other things you are counting on. Does your husband gamble? Has he taken your joint savings and “invested” them in questionable schemes? This could be way bigger than what you know to be missing. If it is “just” the objects he took that are the problem, then you are married to someone who steals from you.
You can certainly try to take legal action to get the value of the items back, but I think you also need to consider legal action regarding your marriage and the custody of your baby. NTJ.” EsmeWeatherwax7a
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, at least possibly.
“He’s been struggling financially lately”. What does that even mean? Are you married or not? Wouldn’t it be “we are struggling financially?” And when I got married, what was mine became hers (not legally but in principle). There was no “I better protect MY possessions”.
You seem to acknowledge he’s a good guy who works hard and supports your family. Does he support you financially or do you just keep separate finances? Maybe he is really trying to make ends meet. No offense meant, but you seem pretty uninvolved in finances based on the note you posted (which could potentially explain not running it by you, though certainly not ideal) and sometimes difficult decisions need to be made when there are financial issues.
Prized possessions sometimes need to be sold. You could sell all my prized possessions and as long as I had my family, I’d be completely happy. Just need more info and context. Do you even know where the money has gone/is going?” newname0110
17. AITJ For Shopping At Whole Foods Instead Of Walmart And Causing A Scene With My Sister?
“Earlier today I was out with my mom and my sister and one of my nephews helping her get some Christmas shopping done. My sister asked if I wanted to go ahead and go grocery shopping while we were out and I agreed. (Keep in mind my sister did not have to buy anything I and maybe my mom were the only ones spending money at the grocery store.) I was driving so I went to Whole Foods first and said what I couldn’t find there I would go to Lowes Foods afterwards.
When we pulled up at Whole Foods, Sis asked why we did not just go to Walmart. I just shrugged and said “honestly, I haven’t been in a Walmart in years I just don’t really like shopping there” and I kind of just laughed she asked why and I said, “I don’t know I don’t like going in there for one, and also I feel like other places have better quality.” This made my sister a little mad I could tell but we moved on and walked in Whole Foods
While we were walking around and I was picking up all of my ingredients for Christmas dinner my nephew found some cupcakes he wanted I can’t remember exactly but I think it was around $13 for 4 of them. He asked his mom if he could get them and she said “why don’t you go ask your rich auntie who is too boujie for Walmart.” I rolled my eyes and told my nephew I’d buy the cupcakes for him.
She got angry and said I was making her look like a bad mom for not being able to afford cupcakes
When it was time to check out my total came to around $425 (including a few nonfood items I picked up which probably were $100 or more worth of that total).
My sister was clearly upset whispering to my mom. Then when it was time to pay I paid with some cash my husband had given me this morning and she flipped. She went off right there in the store about how I was “flaunting my money” and making fun of her and how I thought I was “elitist” and “above ‘regular black people'” and just a whole slew of the same thing.
I hurried and finished my transaction and left but my sis left the store in a taxi and left my nephew with me and my mom.
I’ve since gotten plenty of texts from her calling me a jerk. I asked my nephew if I did anything to offend him and he just said no all he wanted was some cupcakes (haha 13 y/os right?).
But I’m really wondering if I was wrong.
Because I want to be as honest as possible: my sister and her husband both work. I am a SAHM and my hubby is the breadwinner, we are very blessed and fortunate to be in the position we are in.
She also made some comments about me being a gold digger because that money ‘technically’ wasn’t mine it was my husband’s….and I guess she’s right.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult, where you shop is your business not your sister’s (I shop at Whole Foods & Walmart when I’m in the USA).
Your family money is again yours & your husband’s (if you & your husband worked outside the home & you had to outsource your family work in the home you both would be spending a lot of money especially if child care is involved). Again this has nothing to do with your sister.
I’m European so I don’t get the “I was “elitist” and “above ‘regular black people'” by shopping in Whole Foods, the food is good quality at a fair price but it’s not luxurious fare for the super-rich. For example, Fortnum & Mason in London where you could pay $20 for a pack of plain biscuits.
Your sister’s inadequacies are not your problem, they are hers. Also, you didn’t make her look like a bad mom she did that all by herself when she jumped into a taxi (she had the money for that) & left her minor son behind in the shop.
Enjoy your family.” Ireland1169
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your sister is projecting her insecurities onto you, and that is not your problem. She’s jealous that you don’t have to work outside the home (because let’s be real, SAHM is still work). You and your husband are a single unit, so it’s mutual money, not just his.
She’s acting like it’s not “yours” just because you don’t have the job that earns it… but you’re clearly doing your part at home. Her disrespecting you is how she’s making herself feel better about her jealousy. None of this is your problem.
It doesn’t sound like you’re “flaunting” anything; you’re just living your life the way you have been for years, which has nothing to do with her.” sunflower_noir
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: This doesn’t feel like it’s about you, it’s about her.
She’s feeling insecure so she’s lashing out. But…did she seriously just bad mouth you to your family, abandon her kid with you, and then rage-text you? Equality should start with everyone who is in a place of privilege lifting people who aren’t up.
Not people not in a place of privilege dragging people down. And also, do not ever let someone get away with calling you a Gold Digger. That’s a nasty, toxic, cruel term that no civilized person should be using to discuss their family when their family has found a decent person with whom they share a happy life.
Don’t ever let that stuff get internalized. If you married your husband because you love him and your values align, that’s not gold digging, and it’s sickening that your sister would accuse you of being a fraud and a leech because she can’t contend with your happiness.
She owes you an apology for using that term.” kharmatika
16. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Partner More Money For Her Pre-Planned Trip?
“My (37M) partner (35f) had a vacation planned to the Bahamas with her son (12) before we even started going out.
Before they left, I basically paid for the hotel, the car rental and even had to pay for their flights since there was a change in the date. Now I have no issues with the vacation at all since of course it was planned before we got together and I would never try and come between a mother and her kid.
She had supposedly been planning this for over a year.
Right before they left, she tells me that she needs to borrow 2500 for the trip. I told her I didn’t have it to give to her as I still had my mortgage to pay and my own kids to take care of.
All in all, I’ve already paid for about 5k of the trip. I told her that if she couldn’t afford the trip then she really shouldn’t be going. Of course she got mad and they left and I haven’t heard from her since. I’ve seen posts on social media, but no contact at all between us.
Of course friends are telling me I was too hard on her and that what I said was mean. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ. 1) A trip is a luxury, not a necessity, she should be able to afford it on her own 2) You are not going on the trip yourself, so you don’t owe her anything 3) You’ve already put in $5,000, what more can she ask you for?
4) Because you only gave her $5,000 instead of $7,500, she decides to go no contact with you. You aren’t her partner, you are her wallet. Get out of this relationship. She may be locating a new partner in the Bahamas as we speak.” PhilosophicalWarPig
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Basically, she planned a trip with her son, paid for almost nothing, and made you pay for flights, hotel, car, who knows what more and she even wanted 2500 dollars for meals and fun? So…what did she really pay for the “planned trip”? Mate, you’ve got scammed and ripped off.
5 grand is a huge amount of money, but at least you know… run away. She’ll come back when she needs the money, and it is up to you to tell her to get lost. And I would try to at least get my money back if you want to go to all the trouble.” Ikaript
Another User Comments:
“What the heck. Are you that much of an idiot that you paid her 5k when you’ve been together less than a year? Talk about gullible. And why on earth you’d think you’re amiss for refusing to pay more is beyond me.
Stop being a doormat and I hope that you’re successful in getting her to pay you back any of the 5k that you spent For the record, the only correct answer to “I don’t have money to rebook my flights” is “I guess you don’t have money for this trip then do you?”” RecordingNo7280
15. AITJ For Confronting My Brother About Using My Second Home Without Permission?
“In the past few years, since having kids, my brother started using my second home without asking and barely telling me.
I often learned from my parents when he would go there. My home is physically connected to our parent’s home, so I understand the point of seeing it as a “family home” rather than strictly mine. But all the goods there (the furniture, the appliances, and everything) are mine, I pay the taxes, the repairs, and maintenance.
He and his partner started using it as if it was a free hotel, barely telling me that they booked the flights for next year (and of course not asking before booking).
Will I be the jerk if I confront him explaining that it’s disrespectful, and even if I don’t want to create drama and prevent my parents from having time with their grandchildren, I still ask that they respect me and my place more?
Also a list of fun facts to help you decide:
- When we were both there for holidays, they slept in my bedroom, while my partner and I slept in the guest room, so their kids could be in the same bed with them.
- The last time I went there I found their clothes in my wardrobe and my stuff moved.
- I found food in my couch, due to the kids not being properly cleaned after eating.
- They invite guests (family and friends) into my home without asking, nor telling.”
Another User Comments:
“Yeah, that’s not okay. Especially if they knew you were going to be there, they don’t get to take over your bedroom.
They get to make do with what’s left. They don’t get to invite others and pretend to host them in your house. If this house is physically connected, I would create locks that only you have. However, I suspect your parents would want the code, and would be happy to share and code/keys with your brother.
Time to set boundaries and communicate them with your brother. NTJ.” Snackinpenguin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your brother is taking advantage of your kindness and needs to be put in check. In addition to the disrespect and wear and tear on your house, there is a huge insurance liability issue here; if your brother, partner, child, or guest is injured, they can (and probably would!) sue you!
And what happens if they burn the place (and your parent’s place) down due to carelessness or unsupervised children? There’s a lot more at stake here than just having an upset brother for being confronted about his misplaced entitlement! Change the locks.” Internal-Set-7591
Another User Comments:
“Giving the YTJ because it seems a lot like OP is the Master of their own Disaster. What did the brother say the FIRST time you told him NO? Which window did he break in through? Oh.. your parents let him in: So what did they say when you told THEM that was NOT OKAY?
Oh, you never said anything to your parents…. What did your brother say when you told him the second time, that this wasn’t okay? Or the Third? Or the Fourth? Oh – you’ve NEVER SAID ANYTHING?! Sure, it’s a bit rude of him to ‘assume’ but it’s also asinine to KNOW this is happening – multiple times – and to NEVER SPEAK UP!
You’re not the jerk for speaking up belatedly – but recognize that you had YEARS to ‘fix’ this, and you CHOSE to play the role of DOORMAT for yourself. If you’re somehow afraid to speak to your brother, at a MINIMUM you should be telling your parents to NOT LET HIM IN … sorry, no sympathy when you made your own bed…
Learn how to have adult conversations with your family – or seek therapy so that you can LEARN how to stand up for yourself. This was fully solvable a long time ago, with an ordinary adult conversation.” TrainingDearest
14. AITJ For Declining To Spend The Entire Christmas Day With My Stepmom?
“My stepmom has been part of my family for over 30 years and was, until recently, living in the same house as myself, husband, and son (started after my dad passed).
This year has been full of change. She moved to an all-included, seniors apartment as she was tired of doing everything at home and she wanted more socializing.
My husband and I have been working through an amicable divorce (20+ years of marriage), separating houses, and ensuring our teenager is a priority for both of us through the changes. This all happened in the last 6 months.
Figuring out the holidays with our new family dynamics has been challenging.
In the past, my ex, son, and I spent Christmas Eve with family friends and Christmas Day with stepmom. In my family, Christmas dinner has always been Christmas Eve and Christmas day was relaxed, eating leftovers and snacks. Stepmom is the opposite. She went all out on Christmas day and cooked a big meal but started to complain about the work a few years ago.
For the last couple of years she has had dinner with her friends on Christmas Eve and we all have brunch or snack plates on Christmas day, cooked by me.
This year, friends have moved, so ex and I decided a small dinner at ex’s home is the best plan for our first Christmas.
My son is staying there over Christmas break and my ex isn’t comfortable coming back to my house which was where we lived prior to the divorce. Stepmom has always been cold to him so he’s asked that Christmas Eve dinner just be the 3 of us.
Reasonable requests given our current situation.
Christmas day, I will pick up my son and stepmom, bring them to my place for brunch, gifts, etc, spend a few hours together, and then I will take them both home. During the last few years, I have been dealing with a long-term disability that impacts my physical capabilities and causes a lot of pain, so this plan also took that into consideration.
I plan on spending a quiet evening at home, likely video chatting with my mom and extended family.
And here’s the issue: stepmom wants me to drop my son at his dad’s and join her in the dining room of her building for dinner. I have declined for many reasons – first holiday post-divorce, first one without my son under the same roof, and the exhaustion that I know the day will bring.
Also, the idea of subjecting myself to a room full of people I don’t know, masking the physical pain of a long day, while pretending to be happy and feeling festive, sounds like a nightmare.
She is not happy with my answer and is tossing out “you’re my only family, everyone else has family coming, I don’t want you to be alone, this is my first Christmas here” etc.
I’m trying really hard to balance what I need with what everyone else needs but I also hate the idea of upsetting her. I do see her a couple of times a week so it’s not like I don’t spend any time with her. My emotions are high this year and I could use some outside perspective because she’s making me feel unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your stepmum isn’t a jerk for asking, she’s a bit stubborn in not accepting your no, and could be more understanding of your health and desires. Potentially doesn’t want to be the odd one out at her first Christmas with her new circle and is being a little too demanding of you.
You deserve to spend a little time to yourself without chauffeuring or pleasing everyone else. Your stepmum feels a little lost this year which is understandable but you’re in pain and your own person, not just someone she can make demands of. You are not solely Stepkid.
Yes it would be nice if there were a compromise but you’re not the jerk for not putting everyone else ahead of your own wants for two whole days and I’d definitely encourage you to have your boundaries as they sound healthy and reasonable. You are absolutely not unreasonable.
Your stepmum sounds like someone who thrives off social interaction, you don’t have to entertain that if that’s not your choice.” significantmorsel
Another User Comments:
“”I’m sorry stepmom, there have been so many changes in the past six months I just can’t accommodate your request this year.
I am happy to bring you to the house to celebrate with my son and me but no, I won’t be joining you for the Christmas meal. I’m sure any of your friends will be happy to let you join them and I’m sure there are many people who will not have family there that day.” That is the truth, my mom lived in a place like that for 15 years.
There were a lot of people who didn’t have family join them. I know this year is a challenge. Everyone’s life has changed and you all are trying to figure it out.” Tinkerpro
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It sounds like it’s a year of challenging “firsts” for everyone, including MIL.
Since you’re spending CE with your ex + son, would it be possible to take your gifts there and have your son open them there? Eliminating the need for Christmas Brunch altogether, which would free you up for dinner and provide some rest time? Perhaps you could give MIL the option of either brunch or dinner (but not both)?
Maybe your son could also join you and MIL for dinner at the senior living facility? You should definitely do whatever you need to do to feel physically and emotionally comfortable – it’s your holiday (and first too).” BrierRed
13. AITJ For Yelling At My Husband Over His Reaction To My Grief?
“I (43F) lost my little brother a little over a year ago to acute liver failure.
It was very sudden and I did not get to say goodbye. I was just contacted by the hospital telling me my brother had passed. It happened so fast. So to say I’m still pretty upset and processing this loss of no longer having any siblings is fair.
On to the incident, I was scrolling through social media when I came across the post of someone showing a present from their sibling having been booby-trapped to nearly impossible to open. This was a competition I and my brother engaged in every Christmas, each one trying to come up with the most unopenable present for the other, and seeing this post made me sad.
I showed my partner and told him this made me sad that we would no longer have this competition because I no longer had a brother and he told me that I should still smile because the picture was still funny to look at.
I’m pretty sure his response makes him a jerk but mine might also put me in that category because I blew up on him yelling why he couldn’t just be a supportive husband for once and acknowledge my sadness rather than expecting me to just smile.
He indicated that he was being supportive and that I shouldn’t go off on him. He then rolled over to ignore me and pretend like nothing was up. So was I the jerk for yelling at my husband when he tried to silverline my sadness?”
Another User Comments:
“Can I vote no jerks here and everyone’s a jerk at the same time? I don’t even want to vote. I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I think it hits harder when you lose someone you were close to and shared so many memories with.
I lost a brother but I barely knew him, had no warm shared memories, etc. I’m sad his life was cut short but losing him isn’t really personal for me. It might be helpful to a) apologize to your husband for the way you spoke to him, b) let him know HOW you want to be supported, and c) share with him that your grief is not just for the brother you lost but for your own role as a sibling and also for the friend your brother was to you.
Did your husband have a close relationship with your brother? Does he have siblings of his own? I have noticed that people have a really hard time being truly empathetic if they haven’t had the experience themselves.” AlbanyBarbiedoll
Another User Comments:
“I think it is likely inaccurate to say that your husband is unsupportive.
It is likely more accurate to say that you have exhausted your husband’s ability to be supportive. Grief is tough, but it is also tough for the people around the grieving, if they don’t see any healing occurring, and see the person just stuck in sadness.
And there is nothing they can do or say that won’t be taken harshly. After about the hundredth instance of the same conversation about how xxxxx reminds you of your yyyyyy, it gets hard to remain as supportive. In fact, saying that you should instead take joy from the remembrance is very supportive and healthy.
No jerks here. This isn’t an attack on you, but just trying to let you know that even supporting partners can be exhausted, that it is OK to move on from sadness, and that support does not always mean agreeing. You also would benefit greatly from grief counseling.
Sudden loss like this, especially from someone that you do not expect to lose, is difficult to process without help.” AdAccomplished6870
Another User Comments:
“Having lost my only sibling – baby brother – in 2001, I can tell you with certainty that the grief never goes away but if you don’t find the sweetness in memories (as your husband was attempting to point out), you will NEVER be able to function.
Your husband was not wrong – albeit a poor communicator. You however need to start therapy or some grief counseling. Losing a sibling is a totally different thing to losing a parent or friend. I know that people will say “obviously”, but the pain is vastly different.
I lost my dad, whom I adored, a year before, and losing my brother was so so much harder on me. If you don’t do something to help your heart and mind, you will end up lost and alone – even if your husband stays with you.
He sounds like a good man, who is trying clumsily to help you. Your anger at losing your brother (because yes that’s what it is) is misdirected. So…gentle YTJ. Your brother would most certainly not want you to “live in the loss.”” RaisingMomma
12. AITJ For Moving Gym Equipment To Get My Husband's Attention?
“My husband came home and walked into the house with all the gym equipment and I placed it in the hallway and dining room.
He was so angry. (yes I purposely put them there to get him to take them outside to the garage).
Anyway, a few hours later he starts swearing and taking them outside saying things like: “I am so tired you do this on purpose so I can do things when you want.” “You idiot.” Just things like that lots of cursing really angry and my 3-year-old daughter even asked why dad was angry.
Whatever the job is done now and he has since said sorry after he came home to which I said I am still upset. He said he understands.
For context yes he works long hours and I completely understand which is why I do everything in the house from washing to cleaning to taking care of our daughter, all our meals just everything except cutting grass and washing the car which he sometimes does.
I asked him literally to do a couple of things for me before our new baby came. One was to take down our daughter’s old clothes, bassinet, etc so I can sort them out (3 months ago and still not done even with small sweet reminders) and take out the gym to empty the room (6 weeks ago).
I have waited so patiently up until I took out the gym as I said above because it wasn’t getting done and I am due in 7 weeks. I don’t usually ask for anything because it never gets done but I really got upset as I needed help this time.
I am heavily pregnant, diagnosed with thyroid cancer that I had surgery for during pregnancy making it difficult to use my left arm because they took some lymph nodes out and I am just exhausted and need help. I want to get things done before the baby is here because I have radiation after the baby is born and then my baby has surgery and things she needs my attention with after she is born as she has a defect we know about.
I am not telling my sob story I just genuinely want to know if I’m a jerk for doing that? Was it narcissistic because I knew he would have to do it if I put them out? Or am I right to feel really upset and overwhelmed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My partner is currently the sole wage earner, we have a 1-year-old and I’m in my first trimester with my 2nd. I am getting horrendous morning sickness and no help from family or friends during the day, my husband comes home and helps out with the housework and takes over with our 1 yr old.
He’s taking on everything right now but he would never shout at me, never mind in front of our daughter and he would never call me names in any capacity. Your husband is a jerk, if he wanted to he would. You need to set boundaries and tell him his behavior is unacceptable.” CosyMam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you would be the jerk if you don’t seriously look at your husband, the man who is supposed to be your partner, and seriously think about if you want your children to have a partner like him. You are in your third trimester.
The baby can come any day now and he’s not done what is needed to make room for the baby. It doesn’t matter why. He has prioritized everything else above making room in this home for a baby. And based on what you say, it is not because he was busy making your load lighter.
You deserve better. Yes, it’s a lot right now, but that’s what those vows were, in sickness and in health. You need more effort from him in this time of your marriage and he’s just opting out unless you shove it in his face.” EquivalentTwo1
Another User Comments:
“… please tell me this is made up NTJ!!! YOU are pregnant with CANCER and then taking care of everyone and everything and he has the audacity to insult you. Okay, let’s say he works long hours but you are due in 7 weeks recovering from surgery which is significantly more painful and exhausting.
Even if you were in perfect health (and I truly wish you an easy pregnancy and recovery from cancer) he still shouldn’t be insulting you. I’m genuinely asking why you’re with this toddler.” Nooriiiikajooriii
11. AITJ For Confronting My Grandma About Her Disruptive Behavior At My Theatre Show?
“I, female 15, am a theatre kid at my high school. My grandma, female 66, is the one who picks me up from rehearsals. Recently, we performed A Christmas Carol for our town. It was really fun and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
However, my grandma made the situation have issues. She decided to record videos of me and other actors. It would’ve been decent if she didn’t have the camera flash on. Camera flash bothers actors due to the fact there are stage lights, it’s more of a distraction than anything.
But in our theatre group, we have a person who has sensitivities to sudden lights.
I heard them discussing about my grandma and how it wasn’t cool. As it was intermission, I decided to call her and tell her to stop. This stopped her for the time being, but once the show was over, I got a stern talking-to in the car.
She told me that she didn’t care, she paid for the tickets to see the show, and she could use her flash if she wanted to. I, of course, was heavily annoyed with this, and another thing too. She trashed on almost every actor, saying that they all stunk.
They worked just as hard as me, I felt empathetic for them in that moment. She also informed me that they were all “freaks” and I needed to “stay away from them” which is overall a very rude thing to say in my opinion. Only a few of them were a little awkward, but I wouldn’t call them freaks.
Everyone is unique in their own way, whether they wish to express it or not. Theatre is now a hard discussion in my home, but I would like to know, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Too bad your production didn’t have ushers who could have escorted Grandma out.
She did something against every rule in theater (for everybody who pays for tickets, not just her) and when she was embarrassed by being caught out, trashed a bunch of high school students. Real classy, grandma. Theater freaks and geeks are the best. I hope you get to keep hanging with them and being your lovely selves.
They, and you, weren’t the ones behaving badly in this situation.” EsmeWeatherwax7a
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Recording a live stage performance is highly frowned upon and sometimes legally prohibited. She is not entitled to a recording just because she bought a ticket. Sometimes plays are licensed for a performance, and if the licensor finds out that the licensee allowed any recording, the licensee will not be allowed to get plays in the future.
I don’t know if that’s the situation for you, but it is the situation in many places. She should not get used to recording because it will almost always be a problem for someone.” Competitive_Cod_3843
Another User Comments:
“What the heck? Was your grandmother raised in a barn?
You don’t use flash photography (OR VIDEOGRAPHY) at a theater performance. Period. End of story. It’s disruptive to the actors AND the rest of the audience. Buying a ticket to a show does not entitle your grandmother to film, even WITHOUT a flash, by the way.
Ask her if she would do that at a Broadway performance. If not, why does she think it’s okay with yours? And then she started insulting your colleagues? Then why did she wanna film it in the first place?? Your grandmother is feral if she thinks filming with flash at a theater performance is okay; she is an absolute child if she thinks it’s appropriate to respond to being called out for her bad behavior by insulting kids.
Kids who aren’t even the ones calling her out! That’s just weird. In fact, your grandmother sounds oddly angry. Maybe it’s time to start loudly and frequently asking if she needs to see a cognitive specialist? Time for Nana to get put in a home maybe?
(This isn’t a real suggestion, it’s practically a nuclear option, but the petty in me just…ugh. She sounds awful.)” oliviamrow
10. AITJ For Making My Twin Walk Home From School While I Leave Early?
“I (18M) am a senior in high school. I’ve been giving my twin sibling (18) a ride to school ever since I got my license two years ago.
Recently I’ve gotten a new job as a janitor, and I work 30 hours a week.
I also take some college classes. It’s a lot to handle, and I’m tired all the time. I’m trying to save up so that I can find a place for my sibling, my partner (18m), and me to move into, and support us, to get away from our crazy parents.
Also recently, I’ve managed to get senior leave. I don’t have a last period, because I don’t need the credit. I can leave early at the end of the school day. This is great because I can work on my college assignments during this extra hour I have.
The issue is that my sibling doesn’t have senior leave, and they now have to walk home. We live within a five-minute walk of our school, and we used to walk to and from school every day before I got my license.
They’re upset that I’m making them walk, even though I’ve tried to explain that it really helps to have the extra time.
I do feel bad because it is getting cold at this time of year, and I don’t like that they have to walk. I’m trying to request them a locker to put some coats and warm clothes in so they don’t have to carry it around all day (our school doesn’t automatically give us lockers).
And, to be fair, they did pay for half of our parking pass, but I will be graduating mid-year, so they’ll get the pass all to themselves for a semester so it feels fair.
But I don’t know, am I in the wrong for making them walk?
I need some objective input.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If they really don’t want to walk, they can ask someone else for a ride or start putting in the work to get their licenses and cars as well. They’re old enough to. You shouldn’t be the only one working to get you all away from your parents.
I know it sucks to hear that, but you need to take care of yourself first. You can’t care for others when you can’t take care of yourself first. Yes it’s getting cold, but they can wear layers. You’re doing what you can by giving them rides when it works for everyone.
You can’t wave your hands, cast a spell, and “ta-da!” everything into being perfectly ideal for them. They need to figure out not-so-ideal situations for themselves. You’re all 18, so let them also start to be adults about their future too.” Background_Hope_1905
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Almost full-time school, working 30 hours on a night job, plus college classes… how do you do it all? Some school sites will let you study in the library during that last hour. If that’s an option at your school, you might offer to drive your sibling home on days when the weather is really bad.
On other days, you are NTJ if they have to make a short walk. Unsolicited advice – it can be very challenging to work full time, support yourself, and finish college. As eager as you are to get out of the house, think long-term. Before you take on a rental payment, make sure it’ll really be in your best interest and the work will not interfere with your studies.” HowlPen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But, OP, please listen. You’re at the beginning stage of messing up your life for decades, and it’s because you have crazy parents. Still, it’s up to you to stop this. Although you are twins, you have taken on a parental role.
Of course, you’re doing it to “be nice” but you are actually harming your twin. For whatever reason, your twin is not as accomplished as you, but it is not your job to make things easier. Your twin is also starting the dynamic of this kind of relationship by being ungrateful.
It’s not your job to support your twin (and God forbid, your partner), it’s not your job to ease her/his way, and it’s not your job “because you have the money/the time/the great job/the roomy home” to provide. Usually in situations like these, you have the productive sibling subsidizing the life of the unproductive sibling, and even being told they’re “selfish” if they don’t want to pay.
So, if twin needs a locker, they can ask for one. If they are cold, they can put on a darn coat and walk 5 minutes. Stay out of it, for the life lessons in resourcefulness your twin needs to learn. And in the future, if your sibling doesn’t pay half of the rent, they don’t live with you.
Provide for your own future.” [deleted]
9. AITJ For Calling My Messy Partner Irresponsible And Immature?
“My partner (m24) has a very bad habit of not cleaning up after himself, or cleaning himself properly. We don’t live together, but I stay over at his house often.
He’s a very messy person. He drinks a lot of fizzy drinks every day, (Lucozade, Pepsi, Monster, you name it) so he’ll leave his empty cans/bottles everywhere in his room. He smokes, so he’ll leave the butts everywhere, in the bed, on the floor, on the computer desk, I’m sick of the sight of them.
He eats unhealthy food and leaves food packaging on the floor. Most of his rubbish also ends up under his bed, which he knows is there but decides to ignore. The only time he will actually make an effort to clean up his mess is about an hour before I come round, and even then it isn’t a great job as I still have to pick up the excess rubbish he ignores.
We had an argument the other day about his behaviour as when I entered his bedroom I felt something sticky under my feet. I looked down and lo and behold, there was some type of brown liquid that had gone dry and sticky. He spilt soda and didn’t bother to clean it up.
I’d had enough. I told him to get a mop and clean it and asked how long had that been there. He tried to get out of it by saying “I will later” or “I’ll do it when we go downstairs. I don’t see the point in going downstairs, coming back up, then going back downstairs” like????
I said he should have cleaned it after it had happened, but apparently, he tried saying he didn’t know it was there (even though it was right next to the bed in plain view) and then said it must have happened a few hours before when he was sleeping, but I’m pretty sure spilt soda doesn’t go sticky that quick, I’m convinced it had been there a few days.
So disgusting.
I called him irresponsible and immature, which he got offended by. Apparently, I’m mean and don’t respect him because of the way I acted over this. I’ve just had enough of the way he acts. He’s 24 years of age and acts like a teenager.
I keep telling him it’s not hard to throw away rubbish, he even has a bin in the same room! It’s like having a teenage son, which I also keep telling him. As for his personal hygiene, he never brushes his teeth unless I tell him to, or cleans himself properly in the shower, as he still for some reason has dirt under his nails.
I’m so done.
AITJ for how I acted towards him? He seems to think he’s in the right, but I’m flabbergasted.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for calling him what you did, but YTJ for staying with him! I honestly don’t know how you are able to be with him.
Look, at 24 years old he knows better! He knows how to clean up after themselves, they know how to shower, and they know to brush their teeth. My son is 17 and does all of the above on his own without being prompted.” Ok_Historian_646
Another User Comments:
“What exactly is keeping you there? It can’t be his personality, as that can best be described as “selfish”. It can’t be a physical attraction, because the guy doesn’t even brush his teeth. It can’t be his loving support for you, since he won’t even walk a flight of stairs to make sure you don’t step in his mystery garbage juice.
Is it his sense of humour? Believe me, the world is full of funny people. Ones who know how to take care of themselves. You may need to do some soul-searching and find out what it is about yourself that brought you here, too. Is it a lack of self-esteem?
A stubborn desire to see things through no matter what? Does part of you enjoy being a martyr? If he had once been good at taking care of himself and then slipped into this kind of behaviour, I would suspect depression. But given his age and how long this has been going on, it’s more likely that he was just spoiled. And just like with food-covered trash wrappers shoved under a bed, when something spoils you can’t turn back time and save it.
You just have to throw it out. NTJ, unless you stay.” Nemesis0408
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not for calling him immature but for being with a 24-year-old man who doesn’t brush their teeth, who spits in the floor and leaves it, who leaves a trail of filth and trash behind them everywhere they go.
Then the audacity to call you mean and say you don’t respect him? He doesn’t respect himself to live in filth like that. That is disgusting I don’t see how you endure going to his place. You will be dealing with this for the rest of your life if you remain with him.
Please do not have a child with this loser because then you will be taking care of two babies. What could possibly attract you to him enough to look past all the things you have written about him.” Gladtobealive2020
8. AITJ For Being Bothered By My Partner's Hair Washing Routine?
“I (28m) was in a long-distance relationship with my partner (25f) for several months before we decided to take the plunge and move in together. She now lives with me.
Before she lived with me, we could only visit each other one weekend every month but we called and texted every day.
She moved in with me about 6 weeks ago.
For relevant context, I am white and my partner is black. We live a very active lifestyle and we regularly work out, hike, bike, etc. I started to notice that after she would work out and shower, her hair would not be wet and still in braids.
I have a sister and I know women don’t always wash their hair every day so I figured it was that.
But then I noticed she still didn’t wash her hair the next week either. Her hair is absolutely beautiful and I love her curls, but whenever I got near her head I could smell that her scalp/hair was dirty and unclean.
I personally am very sensitive about smells, especially the smell of a dirty scalp. I have to wash my hair every 1-2 days because I cannot stand the smell of buildup.
More time passed and it had now been weeks since my partner washed her hair and while it might be mean to say, I was honestly disgusted. The smell was really bothering me and I brought up the issue to her which caused her to fly off the handle.
Granted, I might not have gone about it the best way.
I basically asked her point blank when the last time she washed her hair was because it kind of smelled bad. She looked at me like I was insane and immediately started calling me racist and ignorant.
She informed me black women’s hair is different and doesn’t require frequent washing because it can dry out and damage the follicles. I told her I understand haircare for black women is different, but that doesn’t mean her scalp or hair magically stays clean and doesn’t smell after not washing out the dirt, sweat, oils, and buildup for weeks.
This led to her calling me “a dumb racist” and she kept repeating how ignorant and stupid I am.
This has really cut me deep because I do not believe I am racist. Ignorant is fair because that is true, I grew up in a predominantly white area and my past partners have all been exclusively white or Asian with straight hair texture.
I had no exposure and I don’t see why a white guy not knowing about black women’s haircare is racist.
Things with my partner are tense. She has been washing her hair every day and saying she will blame me for how damaged her hair becomes because I have made her so insecure about the smell.
I have apologized profusely but things still aren’t well. I guess I just want an outside perspective.”
Another User Comments:
“Black girl here, depending on her hair type, yes hair care is very different. Curly hair is usually washed 1-2 a week, but 4a to 4c hair is washed once every two weeks, and once every 3 weeks in braids.
Also, we use different moisturizers that can smell “strange” if you’re not used to it. I don’t doubt that maybe her hair was smelly considering your active lifestyle, but the way you went about it was wrong. Also, if you can’t handle someone not washing their hair for three weeks, especially in braids, then don’t go out with black girls.
Our hair just doesn’t need to be washed as often…(unless she is sweating a lot with activities). I also hope she stops washing it every day because that is not going to end well.” Fun_Mathematician476
Another User Comments:
“How did I immediately know this was about a black woman lol.
Listen, YTJ for how you approached this as if she is dirty, etc instead of asking about her routine to learn more prior to judgment. Black hair has historically been demonized as dirty and smelly because it doesn’t require the same wash protocols as caucasian hair etc. It’s a deeply cultural component of the black experience and you’d serve yourself well to do a little online reading on the subject.
I also suspect that her hair doesn’t smell or have build-up to the extent you’re portraying given the significant differences in black hair texture and oil production, and the way it deals with sweat. Your admitted sensitivity to “dirty scalp” has me wondering if you’re amplifying the issue because you *expect* someone to wash their hair more frequently than she does.
I also wonder if what you’re smelling is in fact black hair care products that support a healthy and clean scalp for black hair.” ArtemisRises19
Another User Comments:
“I’m Black/Asian with very curly coarse hair so I will tell you a bit from my perspective.
Generally, people with curly hair are encouraged to wash infrequently as shampoo does dry out our hair and the after-hair-wash routine can take hours. That being said, the scalp is still skin and it can affect hair growth if it is not cleaned/maintained properly.
I wash my hair when it feels right; for me, this is twice a week but it is different for everyone. It should never get to the point where those around you are noticing a smell and your scalp is flaky and itchy; this is just neglect.
Keep in mind I have type 3 curls and I’m assuming your partner has type 4 hair since you said it was in braids. There are ways to wash/refresh the scalp without taking the braids out to keep it smelling and feeling fresh. You can read more about curl types in your own time.
I think it might also be a good idea to talk to other black ladies in your life to get their perspective. I personally don’t think it is racist of you to be disgusted by a dirty scalp, but it may have been ignorant with the way you worded it.
She also jumped the gun by immediately calling you racist and insane so I’ll say everyone’s the jerk.” amycouldntcareless
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend Christmas Due To Being Excluded From Family Secret Santa?
“I F19 and my partner M20 have been together for two years have 2 pets & are soon to get a house. This year will be our second Christmas together, last year I went to his family’s house and I got to meet all of his siblings.
They are all older than him so I was very nervous to meet them.
At Christmas I met his step-sister F30 she was passive-aggressive the whole night. When I later tried to play with her son 3 y/o after he begged everyone for attention (being an older sister I don’t mind) all went well till we played peekaboo and she yelled at me for “scaring her son”.
He seemed to be enjoying playing with me but she is his mother so I stopped and left him alone. Ever since she’s made it clear she doesn’t really like me.
Flash forward to this year they do a sibling Secret Santa every year.
This year all the spouses were included, I didn’t think much of it since I’m newer to the family till my partner drew the name of his brother’s new partner of 6 months. The sister is in charge of making the list of names, they use a website where they add all the included names and text it to all the siblings so they can randomly pick a name.
Me being the only one not included has made me anxious and feel like an outsider. I told my partner I don’t want to go to Christmas this year and he will have to go himself. He thinks I’m overreacting and that his sister has no problem with me.
I just want to keep the peace and be comfortable
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“What does your partner expect you to do? Go along to his family Christmas and then sit there looking stupid whilst they all open their gifts and you have nothing?
The stepsister is clearly a jerk, but your partner’s an even bigger jerk. Don’t go to his Christmas. And whilst you’re away from him ask yourself, would you expect your partner to put up with that from your family? What other things is he expecting you to shut up and just take?
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings and making you feel part of his family?” Frankifile
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “He thinks I’m overreacting and that his sister has no problem with me.” He needs to get his head out of his rear and nip this sister nonsense in the bud, closing his eyes and ears and going “nanananana” won’t make his sister stop being a jerk.
There is a problem and unless said problem is tackled it won’t go away. Time to put on some big boy pants and back up OP. P.S. “Me being the only one not included” and then he gives a, “He thinks I’m overreacting and that his sister has no problem with me” I wouldn’t be getting a house with him…” humungusrulz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – HOWEVER…. You should consider going if you want your relationship to last. Context: I’ve been married to my husband for 4 years, we went out 2 years before that, and I’ve known him and his family for 10 years. His family is very judgy and passive-aggressive.
You have a decision to make. You’re in a relationship, not married. Do you see a life with this man and dealing with his family? Even if you are able to avoid Christmas (we do Christmas morning at our house and then travel to see family), his sister and mom aren’t going anywhere other times of the year.
If you do, then you’re going to have to find a way to make being around his sister tolerable. Make it work. Kill her with kindness. If not, this may not be the man for you and that’s something to consider now. and remember, at the end of the day, it is your PARTNER’S responsibility to stand up for you to his family.
If you’re in a relationship, how he acts now is a huge reflection of how he will be when married.
My mother-in-law is rude, she fat-shames everyone, makes snarky comments to everyone, is so judgy…. It drives me up the wall. I have set my boundaries with her and my husband, at the end of the day, supports me first. What I need will come first. I know if it were any other man I went out with, there would have been no way in the world I would have dealt with their family the way I do for his (in fact I went out with a guy for a while once and I met his sister for the first time and she said “this one is way nicer than the last mean girl.” I broke up with him that night.
I wasn’t going to deal with a family who had that way of thinking because this guy wasn’t the one for me). But I do it for my man now. Because I vowed to, I love him, I know he loves his family, and because I’m strong enough to deal with nonsense every now and then.” No-Tradition-2475
6. AITJ For Telling My Unemployed Brother To Get A Job And Contribute?
“I (35F) live in a family-owned house with my brother (41M), my mother (62F), and my daughter (2F).
For the last decade, my brother has been in a cycle of being employed briefly, finding reasons to hate everyone he works with, losing his job, and spending months calling my mom and me names if either of us brings up getting a job. “You’re a jerk” type of stuff.
“I really hate you.” Etc. Long, drawn-out tirades that will last days of him throwing fits and calling names, slamming doors, and refusing to discuss anything rationally.
He won’t contribute to bills. He won’t contribute to groceries. He doesn’t do his own dishes, and half the time he throws his garbage down on the counter or floor instead of just throwing it in the trash.
He just wants to be in his room on his Xbox.
My mom doesn’t like how he acts, but if I ever push back against him she expresses very firmly that I’m wrong to do so because if I would just be quiet and not set him off it would be better.
Because I know when I say something he’s going to fly off the handle and I need to keep the peace. She also says what he’s doing isn’t abuse.
Recently, my brother threw a fit because I wanted pie and it had sugar in it.
He doesn’t eat sugar anymore. It turned into DAYS of him yelling, slamming doors, and then giving the silent treatment. Because “no one ever thinks of him.” Now, on that same day, my mother also made homemade chicken pot pie, a creamy sort of biscuits and gravy dish, and there was a roast+veggies in the fridge from the day before.
There were apples, oranges, and bananas. There were even potato chips! He was not deprived. I even buy him his own tins of coffee every week (I buy myself a single tin and make it last the two weeks between my paychecks).
The day after the pie, I was in the kitchen making my morning coffee when he came through slamming doors and giving the silent treatment, and I finally snapped. I said that he’s a 41-year-old man, and that I have to take care of EVERYTHING else for him and that I shouldn’t be responsible for his snacks too.
That I’m allowed to have a pie from ingredients I bought with money I worked for. I also snapped he needs to “Get a job so he can buy his own stuff and contribute.”
He and my mother are saying I emasculated him and that I can’t say stuff like that to a man.
He threw an even bigger fit and started slamming around the house saying he was going to sell all the tools and leave.
I regret swearing, but don’t think it’s unfair or rude to remind him that he’s a grown man and needs to support himself.
I want to leave, but I can’t run off and be homeless with my daughter in winter and when I try to save up money from my paycheck I get treated like I’m being greedy somehow.
I’m barely surviving (financially) and I’m breaking down (physically and emotionally), and I’m starting to think I’m the jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“Your mother is the problem. Let me repeat, Your mother is the problem. Until she steps up as a mom of a 42-year-old grown adult, nothing will change. He throws tantrums, she does nothing, and learns that all he has to do is throw a tantrum and get his way.
My honest advice is this – stop buying the house or him anything. Keep all your food in your room, and get a mini fridge. Don’t do his dishes, don’t make him food- in fact I’d make less than normal intentionally to force him to do it himself.
Tell your mom you won’t contribute to bills or food until she fixes what she has created. Ask her – if you met him as a single lady would you go out with him? Would you want to be with a 41-year-old child who makes up every excuse to not be an adult?
What happens when you die? Do you think he will pay for this house? I sure won’t.” Fabulous-Shallot1413
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. “You can’t say stuff like that to a man” AND THERE IT IS. I have an uncle in his 50s in much the same situation, and a brother headed that way too, and it was directly caused by this attitude.
The girls learn discipline at a young age as they’re raised to take care of themselves, take agency for the space they live in, and help others when possible. The boys are given no such instruction, they’re told they don’t have to worry about anything now because they’ll have a harder role when they’re older.
Well, wouldn’t you know it, men who’ve never actually been forced to DO something at a formative age are unable to take instructions or criticism and refuse to leave the home, where their female relatives will clean up after them and feed them. It’s almost parasitic.” falanian
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Nothing you have said indicates that he is not capable of working. Tell your mom you are done taking care of him and either she can take it on or she can back you when you refuse to do it. But you are done and she can figure it out with him.
Point out how non-emasculating this is… you are expecting him to be an adult and take care of himself! You are having faith that he can do it! Separately for you… don’t fall for the guilt trip. Save your money. If they have a problem, sorry, you already gave your share.
And just keep repeating that. You already gave your share. If mom thinks more is needed… she should look to your brother. Oh, he can’t because he doesn’t have a job? That sounds like he needs to get a job. Calmly. Every time. But consistently.
Every time.” animaniactoo
5. AITJ For Refusing To Get A Dog Sitter When Visiting My Parents?
“I have a small dog. He is house-trained and doesn’t destroy things. He barks sometimes and is a little annoying. He’s a dog.
I live about 5 hours from my parents so I can’t leave him at home when I go visit them.
If I lived nearby I would, no problem.
They do not want him in their house and expect me to get a dog sitter when I visit. (They are not allergic, they just don’t like dogs). This costs $40-$60/ day and I can’t really afford it.
And that’s not including holiday rates and closures.
WIBTJ for telling my parents that if my spouse, baby and I are going to drive 10 hours to see them then they should let me bring the dog, and otherwise I’m just not going to come?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Not quite the jerk. It is quite reasonable for your parents not to want dogs in their house. It is quite reasonable that you can’t afford a dog sitter. So far no jerks. It’s an unfortunate combination, but no jerks.
The place where you start moving towards jerk territory is when you tell your parents what they “should” do. Don’t be so bossy. Let them know that you can’t afford the cost of a dog sitter, and so if the dog can’t come, then unfortunately, you can’t come either.
This is a subtle but important difference. Don’t tell them what they should do — tell them what their decision means you will do. I have a hunch, though. You talk a lot about cost, but my instinct is that what really bothers you is that they don’t like your dog, and that’s why you are reacting so strongly.
That nudges you slightly further towards jerk behavior, so be careful.” SushiGuacDNA
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not liking dogs is 100% reason enough not to want one in your house. WTF. Look, if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, and that doesn’t make you a jerk.
But your attitude that they should just suck it up is a real problem. Part of being a responsible pet parent is arranging for their care when you can’t travel with them. It’s not like this is some new issue you never could have planned for.
You’re going to be the parent who insists on taking your kid to all the no-kid places and events because it’s too inconvenient to find a sitter, aren’t you?” hadesarrow3
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but honestly you are sliding towards YTJ.
If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it, but dude, what is your solution long term? You’re never going to see your parents again because you’re choosing the dog over them? They don’t like being around your dog. You’re crazy about the dog. They aren’t.
Why do I feel like even if they made the drive to you, you would turn around and say the dog couldn’t be shut in a room where it wouldn’t get all over them and be annoying because “it’s his house too”? If you want to have a relationship with your parents, some compromise is in order.
I would board the dog for two days and if it’s that much of a financial hardship, ask your parents if they could split the cost with you.” dragonsandvamps
4. AITJ For Sharing My Pregnancy News With My Sister-In-Law Who Was Having Fertility Issues?
“My partner and I decided we wanted to share our wonderful news with the whole family and surprise my mom on her birthday that she’d be having another grandchild. We were aware of my sister-in-law’s difficulty so we decided to tell her ahead of time so it wasn’t such a big blow when she found out.
Ever since sharing this information, we have been treated like outcasts by her. If we walk into a room she avoids and retreats to another location. She and my partner used to be friendly too but then treated us like we never existed. This has continued for a couple of years after having my child as well.
They now have a child of their own but she still treats us this way and removes any opportunity for the two kids to play and socialize together.”
Another User Comments:
“Avoiding you while you and your partner are expecting may be because she is worried about breaking down in tears in front of you.
Was your partner sensitive to her or snotty and passive-aggressive about her “good news”? If not, then holding a weird grudge is misplaced anger. If it were me? Call an adults-only meeting and talk about it directly. Ask them why is there tension and how can you all as a family improve it?” Hopeful-Artichoke449
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Not for the sister-in-law part though. Pregnancies aren’t gifts. You could have let your mom have her birthday and then announced your news. Even if she was over the moon, you purposefully shifted the attention to yourselves. I don’t know, maybe I’m biased because I hate this trend.
Weddings, birthdays, event, you name it and there is someone there wanting to announce or share something that calls for the attention and congratulations to go to them.” Specific_Impact_367
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Y’all should have known this would ruin the relationship.
The world doesn’t stop having kids just because she has issues conceiving. But she likely expected better from someone she had a good relationship with. I don’t know why people drop bombs that nitpick at someone’s insecurity or trauma and then expect the same relationship as before.
Move on. The relationship is over. The fact it’s been so long and now you are killing it over suggests to me y’all want something from SIL or her husband. Or maybe y’all want a break from your kid and want SIL’s kid to be their built-in buddy.” Maleficent-Bottle674
3. AITJ For Leaving My Mom's Dinner Because She Didn't Prepare Any Vegan Dishes For My Wife?
“I recently got married to my long-term fiancée. She and my mom never really got along. I always hoped things would get better after the marriage.
My mom invited us over for dinner, which was supposed to be our first meal as a married couple at her house.
Now, my wife is a vegan. She was a vegetarian before but switched to vegan a couple of months ago. My mom KNOWS she’s a vegan.
Despite that, my mom didn’t prepare a single vegan dish for her. Except for a soggy-looking salad.
Even the veggie soup, she added chicken broth to it, to make it “tastier.” The rest was all non-vegan stuff like mac and cheese, fried chicken, jambalaya, and banana pudding for dessert—all things my wife can’t eat.
I told my mom we were going to leave before dinner since there was nothing for Olga (my wife) to eat.
My mom said she could just pick the shrimp out of the jambalaya and eat the salad. I told her that’s not how it works. Then she started insisting the veggie soup was fine. I pointed out that it wasn’t vegan because of the chicken broth.
Which according to my mom was “nonsense.” She then asked Olga if can’t she just eat normally for one day.
My wife said no but she doesn’t mind just having the salad but I knew she was just trying to save the day and was fed up with how my mom was treating her, so I thanked my mom and told her we were leaving.
My mom freaked out, she blamed us for being disrespectful, she said she spent hours cooking all that food for me. I told her that’s the issue, she should’ve thought about Olga too. My mom said I was exaggerating because “it’s not like she’s allergic or anything “
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a 10+ years mostly plant-based and having “difficult” family I can tell you this: 1 – accept the fact that your mum will never respect your wife and her choices. Yes, it’s bad and sad, but there is nothing you can do.
2 – then you can choose to ignore her, go minimal in contact, or 3 – try to have a somewhat normal relationship. That includes bringing food every time you come (usually “weird” vegan stuff gets eaten first at family dinners, lol). When dealing with “difficult” family members I usually bring a main dish (2–3 portions, one for me and 1–2 to share with everybody as a snack) and a dessert (big one, for everybody).
Then I just ignore all the snarky comments about me being inconvenient. That’s the only way that allows me to see some family members 2–3 times a year. I can’t change their view on a plant-based diet. They can’t make me eat meat.” kryskawithoutH
Another User Comments:
“NTJ OP. OP. DO NOT SECOND GUESS YOURSELF!!! You did the right thing. You stood up for your wife. Your mom’s behavior is unwelcoming and extremely passive-aggressive (maybe just aggressive?). Importantly, and this is what I want you to focus on, your mom’s behavior is these things only towards your wife.
I see that you are now feeling bad because your mom “spent hours cooking all the food” and I’m guessing because she made all that food for you. These are not things that weigh in your mom’s favor or make you a jerk. They are the PROBLEM.
Please see this. Don’t fall directly into the trap your mom is setting! You saw it perfectly at the beginning. “I told her that’s the issue, she should’ve thought about Olga too.” Exactly!!! Yes! Thank you for standing up for your wife! Thank you for seeing that your mom is trying to divide you guys and create a wedge!
Don’t undo all that good husband work by backtracking now.” Even_Budget2078
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I wouldn’t even be certain the salad was vegan either. If it looked soggy it had probably been dressed for a while, and I wouldn’t put it past your mother to use Cesar dressing, which contains anchovies and possibly parmesan, or something else non-vegan.
No, your wife shouldn’t have to take her own food to a meal she’s supposed to be a guest of honor at, however casually, especially without being asked in advance. I have a vegetarian niece who very kindly dogsits for us. I make all the sides vegetarian friendly, and make 2 mains, a veggie option for her, and meat for me and the hubby….
I do the same for vegan friends, omitting any dairy (like butter) that I would ordinarily use. If I’m cooking for someone with food allergies I make the whole meal “safe”, just so nobody uses the wrong spoon and poisons the allergic person…..” Heeler_Haven
2. AITJ For Being Upset With My Mom's New Partner's Interference?
“I (20F) have been starting to get really annoyed by my mom’s new partner. At first he was cool, but now I feel as though he is overstepping. My parents got divorced only a year and a half ago and my mom and her partner have been together for roughly 6 months now.
Of course I am happy that she found someone new, but his actions are bothering me. It started after she told him about an argument we had, and he randomly told me to “be graceful” to those around me.
During my teenage years, my mom and I would argue a lot, but it was nothing out of the normal mother-teenage daughter conflicts.
I’ll admit I do still have a bit of resentment towards her for some of the things that she has done/said, but I am working on it with therapy. We are good for the most part, but sometimes she will have an attitude and I will use attitude back at her, which she probably told him and prompted him to say that.
Either way though I think it is none of his business the arguments I go through with my mom.
The next thing that bothered me was on Thanksgiving when I was upset because of an argument with my partner and needed some extra time to collect myself before going down to the table.
My mom called me over the phone to come and I didn’t go immediately, but I said give me a few more minutes. It was then when I got a knock at the door and I said “who is it, please don’t come in right now” and her partner burst through the door anyway and kept telling me to come downstairs right now.
That rubbed me the wrong way completely and I was even more upset and hated being downstairs after that.
The last thing that happened with him was this evening when we went out to eat for Christmas Eve, and we had all finished eating so I slipped away to the bathroom to check my phone.
My partner was asking me about something important so I continued replying when I got back to the table. It wasn’t even one minute of me still being on my phone when he told me to put it away. I said “I will” and continued to text because I was just aggravated. My parents raised me to have manners and they never banned me from using my phone completely at the table, just not excessively which I knew not to do anyway and that was not what I was doing.
The rest of the time I just stayed quiet and couldn’t wait to go home. When I got home I told her to tell him to stop telling me what to do, to which she replied “you tell him” and she seemed mad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Maybe you should bring this up with your therapist next time you see them? They can help you come up with strategies on how to deal with it. Also, if this guy barged into your room (even under the pretext of trying to get your attention) that’s REALLY inappropriate.
You should have addressed that right after it happened, but it’s not too late to tell your mom and him that you’d appreciate it if he didn’t barge into your room (even if he knocks first that’s not okay). That would make me feel really uncomfortable.” bamalamaboo
Another User Comments:
“I disagree with folks saying to talk to mom’s partner directly. The power dynamic there is not in your favor, totally normal to have your mom interface with the man she brought into your life imo. I do think YTJ for how you asked your mom.
You are putting her in a really tough spot, so you need to be careful with how you approach it. Specific instances and issues will help make this something that can be worked on as a family. Mostly I think the bf is a jerk.
He is overcompensating in his new relationship I assume, but bursting into your room, super gross.” Alarmed-Oil-2844
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are an adult and you chose to take some time to cool your head before you decided to join the table which is an adult thing to do.
Additionally, he has no business attempting to discipline you for your mom/daughter arguments years ago. He had no part in raising you and as far as I can see, he is simply courting your mother. He has no legal, blood-related, etc authority over you.
What logic does he honestly have to tell you to come to the table immediately? “No, don’t regulate your emotions, you must drop everything to come to the table for dinner, all other life or anything else happening must stop.” Telling you to put your phone away at the table is just dumb.
I fail to see the harm in having it out to respond to a text. As stated, so long as it isn’t excessive. However, he chooses to be more strict than the actual rule as if it were a contest. The only thing I can see that you may be in the wrong about is him defending your mom in your current arguments.
At the end of the day, mom and new bf are in a relationship. Wouldn’t you expect your partner to defend you in an argument? Doesn’t mom’s bf feel the same about that? Past arguments he has no business with but present arguments, he may feel a need to stand for your mom just as your bf may feel the need to stand with you.” notthelichlord
1. AITJ For Telling My Sister Not To Introduce My Daughter To Her Partner?
“A few months ago, my younger sister, who is 25 years old, asked if she could take my daughter for the weekend.
I agreed and dropped her off at my mom’s apartment where she lives. I had recently found out she started seeing a guy and before I left I asked what she had planned. It was a week before Halloween so she stated she would take my daughter to get a costume and then they would hang out at the park and get lunch with my mom.
These were normal things for them, so I said okay cool.
Then she proceeded to ask me what time I was picking her up the following day, normally she wouldn’t ask. I asked her if she needed me to pick her up by a certain time and she said no..
she said she had plans but my daughter could be included. Now something in me said if you are planning an outing with your partner please leave my daughter with mom. She then goes well mom is coming with us because he invited us to dinner.
So I said okay I’ll swing by early in the day to get her, please don’t have my daughter around people that I do not know or introduce her to your partner whom I haven’t met yet. She seemed a little bothered by it.
I explained why I felt the way I did and she agreed not to… but she didn’t respect my boundaries or wishes.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here for your actual question, based on my understanding that she agreed not to introduce your child to her partner.
I’m missing any indication you’d told her not to do this before and she planned to go against that, but please correct me if I’m wrong.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here she should respect your boundaries but you’re being ridiculous.
Either you trust your mom and sister to take good care of your kid or you don’t. Would you be upset if your mom ran into a friend at the store and introduced your daughter? Would you be mad if your daughter played with *gasp* a strange child at the park and interacted with that kid’s parents?
Pre-school? What are you going to do at kinder next year? Forbid her from talking to the lunch ladies and the gym coach until you’ve met them? Unless you have reason to be suspicious of this dude or reason to think your sister is leaving your daughter alone with him, you need to wake up and realize that you don’t get to control every single person your kid interacts with unless you are the person with your kid 24/7.” 1568314
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I would be absolutely furious. It’s not a judgment of the partner but a really sensible and understandable boundary to not want your small child around someone you don’t know. This is especially relevant given your sister’s response which shows me that she is not ready to be an adult.
She took that boundary, felt offended, and decided to trample all over it. You call her your younger sister. I am not sure whether this is an indicator of how you treat her or what you think of her or just factual that she is the youngest sibling.
The pure and simple fact of the matter is that the same evening after this convo took place, according to the comments, the sister introduced her partner to her daughter. For me, this completely breaks trust and means that sister is no longer welcome to spend time alone with my child as she has proven herself untrustworthy.
What is more, it is extremely worrying when adults swear a child to secrecy from their parents. This would send me firmly into the red. I’m not saying anything shady is going on but this is how abuse is hidden from parents. Children feeling like they are letting down a trusted adult by telling and like they will be in trouble.
This needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.” Heavy-Ad-3467
