People Don't Want To Tell These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Fund My Mom's Lavish Birthday Party?
“My mom has always enjoyed entertaining and throwing lavish parties. Mom is retired now, on a fixed income and I have increasingly been helping out more financially with living expenses, parties, etc. I usually cover half of the costs and because our birthdays are in the same month she always wants us to have a joint birthday party.
I am 20 years younger than my mom.
The problem is that I do not enjoy having parties for my birthday. I would rather have a small intimate dinner with those closest to me, or travel to a fun and relaxing destination, go to the spa, etc. Mom, on the other hand, enjoys having large birthday parties with, in my opinion, a bunch of freeloaders who have leeched off of her over the years.
We had a lovely 60th birthday party for Mom (sort of joint birthday party at Mom’s insistence) with over 100 guests and then for her 61st, we had a joint birthday celebration my way, with a fun trip to the Caribbean.
For Mom’s 62nd we did not celebrate any sort and did not get together.
I just sent her a few dozen roses, and money, and I video-called her.
Mom felt really sad not celebrating together and noted that she wants us to do a large birthday celebration together for her 63rd.
I would rather just spend quality time with her instead of having one of these big stressful and expensive parties.
I told Mom how I felt and she was hurt.
I feel priorities are not in order. I have given money quite a bit lately for different things that have popped up on Mom’s radar that she was not in the position to financially handle at the time.
For example, emergency work on the house, property taxes, utilities, etc. Currently, Mom (who lives in a very hot climate) needs a new HVAC unit at her house, a new vehicle, and her pool needs a new pump or something….. it’s suddenly turning into a green swamp.
I believe it is more important to put money towards a safe vehicle, HVAC unit, and pool repair than to throw a 63rd birthday party for approximately 100 guests. I understand that Mom is concerned about her health and she made it clear that she fears that she may not make it to her 65th birthday so she wants to celebrate her 63rd.
So I feel really guilty for not wanting to throw a party.
But, I have my expenses. My mortgage, car payment, IVF. I don’t feel like wasting money on this party but I also want to make my Mom happy. I explained how I feel to her and she assured me that it won’t cost that much, and she is also saving towards it, so it’s not like I would be paying for it myself.
I don’t know what to do. Why can’t laid-back quality time with me be enough? I would love to just take her away for a couple of days to a resort or something where we can truly relax and enjoy each other. But she wants this big party instead, where she can invite all the leeches, family, and friends who have depended on her for decades and always have their hands out.
I’m just feeling frustrated, guilty, conflicted, torn.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are subsidizing your mother’s lifestyle. As a person who lives in a very hot climate, when our central A/C unit went out, we spent over $6000 for a new unit (and that was 5 years ago, so I can only imagine what they cost now!).
Add in the cost of a new vehicle and pump for her pool, and you are upwards of $30,000. It is time for you to have a sit down with your Mom and explain that if she wants a comfortable house, you cannot afford to spend thousands of dollars on a party.
If she wants the party so badly, it must happen on a MUCH smaller scale. Like a $200-$300 scale.” New-Comment2668
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but it’s time to be brutally honest with your mom: “Mom, I am subsidizing you. I’m giving you money that I could be putting into my personal savings and retirement plan to cover expenses that you failed to foresee.
I’m doing this while paying my bills. I have zero interest in funding another party for your leeches. Unless you can magically pay for a big party yourself or convince someone besides me to pay for it, the days of lavish birthday parties are over.
I am willing to do small celebrations which is a lot more than some people get. If you can’t be happy with that, that’s your problem.” It’s probably also time to review your mom’s financials. If she cannot maintain her current home on her income, she should look into downsizing.” Flat_Contribution707
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely NTJ for not wanting to have a joint party or to spend a lot on a party. However, if I were you, I would try for a compromise. Plan what you would like for your birthday, and ask her what her budget is for the party she wants, and then be willing to give her some practical help.
For instance, a celebration doesn’t have to be hugely expensive – she could have a party in her own home, invite everyone to BYOB, and then the cost would be for a few streamers, and some party food from Iceland / Tesco /Sainsbury, you could maybe offer to pay for a cake and you’re sorted. Or if the house is not large enough, look at the cost of renting a church hall or function room at a local pub, depending on what is in her budget.
(Some pubs/hotels may even offer ‘free’ room hire or a nominal fee if you order food or are going to have people coming and spending at the bar. Since she has said she’s been saving up, tell her you don’t want a joint party but are willing to help her plan something within her budget.” ProfessorYaffle1
19. AITJ For Giving A Colleague A Lift And Arguing With My Partner About It?
“On Friday, during my workday, a colleague (25M), who I had never spoken more than a good morning, came up to me and asked me to give them a lift to a city I was traveling to that weekend.
It is about a 2-hour car ride away. During the car ride, we spoke and I got to understand the type of person he was and his character. He was trying to see if he could hit on me, I believe if I had entertained or encouraged any of his comments it would have turned more forward.
But he did not make any inappropriate comments. He spoke a lot about how he parties and drinks and I gauged he was still in his campus phase (this being his first job), where everything is exciting. About 30 minutes left of the trip he then asked me what day I would be leaving back to the town we work in.
I informed him on Sunday at 2. He then proceeded to say he might be too inebriated to be ready at that time, could we leave at 6 am on Monday? We work two hours away and start at 7:30 am. I thought that was incredibly unprofessional of him to expect me to be late for work because he wanted to drink.
We were not friends for me to make that sacrifice for him. I did kinda hesitate to tell him no in that moment, I am a people pleaser, but I messaged him early on Saturday to let him know I would not be available so he can make his own arrangements.
Now to the argument. On Sunday I told my partner all of this, and it then turned into a major argument where he began to badger me until I admitted I was naive. That I put myself into an unsafe situation. He doesn’t know any women with a partner who would give a lift to another man.
I apologized and accepted his reprimand, but apparently, I was not contrite enough that my tone conveyed I did not understand the issue, that I believed I was in the right and would put myself in that situation again. Previously when I was 17 I went out with a guy because I felt guilty and showed at my grown age of 27 that I was still naive, gullible, and naive enough to not understand men and their intentions.
His tone was demeaning and condescending. He spoke to me like I was a child. I was so insulted, that I began to cry. He then asked me why I was crying, I said because he hurt my feelings calling me naive, and he then acted as if that was the most ridiculous reaction and insisted I explain why that hurt my feelings to bring me to tears.
What the actual flip!!! You said something hurtful, I cried, are you that dumb to not understand that? He had no remorse, empathy, or care.
AITJ for what I did and my reaction during the argument?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – And this was a good wake-up call to show you exactly what type of person he is… began to badger me until I admitted I was naive.
You may have been naive then, but you’re not now, and (if it were me) I would let him know in no uncertain terms that if this is the way he’s going to treat you when you make a mistake (with his condescending attitude) he’s not the type of man you want as your partner in the future.” carmabound
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You had every right to say yes or no to your colleague’s request. He’s also not a stranger; you at least know where he works. Also, although safety is of course important, you get to make your own decisions about what you do (and even ‘stranger danger’ is quite often exaggerated; domestic violence is vastly more prevalent than stranger-on-stranger violence).
It does not make you wrong in this case, but if you’re concerned about your ability to say no, you may consider discussing it with a therapist, who can help you develop scripts and feel more confident putting yourself first. Some professionals off short-term, specifically focused series of sessions for things like this.
I’m sorry that your partner is emotionally abusing you. His response does make him a jerk, and you seem to know that. You don’t say how long you’ve been together or whether you live together, etc., but it’s worth seriously thinking about the kind of statements you’re willing to accept from a partner.” Tangerine_Bouquet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your partner sounds controlling. He is kind of reprimanding you as if you were his young child rather than speaking to you as if you were equals/friends. You guys should be coming up with ways that you can feel comfortable speaking up.
Rather, he feels insecure about the situation and gets so choked up about it that he starts spiraling and disrespecting you. I’ve been on both sides of this situation (asking, “Why are you crying?” I’m the one who’s hurting, I know I’m wrong, but you’re being mean to me right now).
He wants you to grovel in front of him and beg him to forgive you, that you were so stupid so wrong, and that he’s right blah blah. But that’s not healthy. Yes, you did something wrong, so then what can we do so that in the future it doesn’t happen again?
There’s no point in groveling. Yes, your partner is understandably hurt, but he needs to know that berating you is not a way to speak to your partner during arguments. He wants reassurance, but he is not gonna get that by being mean to you.
Ultimately, you guys need to talk and learn to validate each other’s feelings. As well, you guys need to figure out ways to improve (and actually work towards them) that will help each other feel better. Eg. you ask about the boundaries that he wants you to set with other men (as long as they’re reasonable), such as not giving them lifts.
And if any guy pushes, say sorry, my partner wouldn’t feel comfortable, and I respect him. No shame in that. As for your partner, he needs to improve on his respect for you. Anytime you feel he crosses that line, he needs to think are my words hurtful?
Are the words I’m saying and/or my tone putting down my partner?” Brostopwtf
18. AITJ For Kicking Out My Husband's Friend For His Snarky Comments During Game Night?
“So my husband (M30, Dan, fake name) is part of a group that regularly gets together to have game nights (Magic the Gathering for those wondering). The group (7 guys, all M 28-32) rotates who hosts, with us hosting the most recent at our house.
Once the guys start playing I will usually hang out with any partners that tag along or do my own thing. This time around no significant others joined so I was working on my mtg deck (I also play) in the living room while the guys were playing in the connected dining room.
A few noticed what I was doing between games and started asking about my build and eventually invited me to join in on a game.
Now the newest guy, Paul (M28), has only been to our house once before so I haven’t gotten a chance to know him as well as the others.
He was originally at the other table but started watching my game once he ended. Paul pretty quickly started making little snarky comments about how I was playing, calling them “friendly tips” but would be things like “Wow, OP doesn’t seem ready to play if this is her deck”.
It was making it hard to enjoy the game which I guess Dan picked up on because he told Paul to cut out the commentary, and that if I (OP) wanted help I would ask. Paul stopped during the game, but after the match was over commented on some of the guys that “Maybe OP isn’t ready to be jumping into matches if she isn’t ready to hear criticism,” that I should “expect to hear comments if I’m going to make a deck that bad”, and I shouldn’t play if I’m that sensitive.
At this point, I was pretty upset so I told Paul if he had this big of an issue with me he was no longer welcome in my home and needed to leave. He tried to say it was my husband’s game night and I couldn’t kick him out, but Dan backed me up and told him he should pack up and go.
Things got kind of awkward after he left and most of the guys took off not long after.
I felt pretty solid in my decision, but today Paul has been blowing up their group chat saying he is upset he got kicked out, and that I’m too sensitive for not seeing he was trying to help me.
Most of the guys have backed me up, but 2 are saying I took his comments too hard, that he’s just a blunt guy who means well, and that I need to apologize since he won’t come back to any game night until I do. I’ve also gotten messages from the other guy’s partners who’ve said I probably should have just sat out instead of joining the game since it’s “guys’ night”, and that I need to suck it up so I don’t make things awkward and ruin it for Dan.
I don’t know guys. I didn’t feel like I was wrong in this but all the comments have me second-guessing myself. Am I the jerk? Should I apologize to Paul for the sake of not ruining Dan’s game night?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: You didn’t toss Paul out on your own; you AND DAN acted in agreement.
Most of the guys agree! The guys who don’t are welcome to have Paul over to their houses to “help” them and their wives with similar “useful tips.” Also: guys like this have longstanding social problems, and it is better for them in the long run to deal with people who can set boundaries.
Paul has a chance to learn from this and improve how he deals with people. Coddling his jerk behavior just sets up everyone involved for more trouble in the future.” MonarchOfDonuts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your husband needs to field this issue with his friends.
A buddy of his came into your home and regardless of whether he ‘meant well’ (debatable but it’s pointless to argue intent) he pushed unsolicited advice on you, insulted your gameplay, and discouraged you from playing a game you were invited to play, in your home, where you were supporting your husband as host and giving space until you were invited in.
He was deeply rude and disrespectful and doubled down after your husband asked him to stop. He’s a poor gamer, a poor friend, and a poor guest. I’m not sure why anyone would want him in their gaming group. That kind of behavior from men is one of the reasons relatively few women game, or progress in male-dominated hobbies.
It’s poor behavior, never constructive, always harmful, and shouldn’t be tolerated anywhere. It takes the fun right out of gaming, which is supposed to be fun… speaking as an MTG player since 1996, I find playtesting is key to deck development, so to heck with that guy.
Speak to your husband about stepping up. This is his chance to show his quality, as Samwise said. He can be a good husband, a good gamer, and a good man, or…not.” Amiedeslivres
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Paul was rude and disrespectful to you.
I can’t stand people who provide unwanted advice and criticism. He was just being a jerk, and you don’t have to tolerate this behavior. Don’t invite him again into your home again. Glad your husband supports you.” Popular_Document1399
17. AITJ For Informing My Family About My Mother's Dependence On Me?
“I (24f) have a substance-using mom (42f) who lives rent/bill-free and only pays for groceries with food stamps, but when we run out I come out of pocket for it as well as all feminine essentials. Side note: I am the breadwinner of the two of us (she doesn’t work) and am currently trying to move out.
We recently lost my grandmother and great-grandmother, and she has just gone downhill since then which is understandable. When our family came down for the funerals they all asked how she was making ends meet for herself and I told them honestly about me paying all the bills and buying all the essentials she may need. They proceeded to tell her that she was holding me back and that she needed to let me go and do my things which I did not know of until she started screaming at me about it.
Now to why I may be the jerk. This morning my great-uncle and cousin were supposed to come to a storage unit that my mom’s brother bought for my great-grandmother’s things until we could get everything sorted. When I spoke with my mom about the matter she said no and that she had gone to the unit cut the lock and put one on that she could access without informing my uncle or even asking him for the key.
She then stated that she didn’t want them going in there due to her putting her things in there and I told her she shouldn’t have put her things in there as I nor herself are the ones who pay for it. I told her she needed to communicate that with my cousin and both uncles because I did not want to get in the middle of that as what she does is not my responsibility.
This morning my uncle showed up for the key and I went into her room to ask for it and she said she was not giving it to them and wanted to know what exactly they wanted out of the unit. I told her they didn’t even know what was in the unit and that they needed to go in to see, she started saying that this was all my fault and that I should have just told them myself.
I reminded her that I had been telling her for 3 days before this to reach out to them. So I sent a message to my uncle who owns the unit before my cousin could to let him know what all happened. He sent her a message saying that she once again was holding me back and putting me in bad predicaments and that it was not fair to me.
She called my brother (20M) and told him that I was getting her car and the trailer was taken away from her because I kept telling everyone she was this horrible person. Neither of her brothers wanted to take them away but they gave her a month to get a job and get everything in her name so they wouldn’t be responsible if something happened. So he called and yelled at me and said I shouldn’t have said anything at all.
Now both my brother and mom are blaming me and I am starting to second guess myself.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your family is right. Your mother is holding you back. That’s the tough part about family. Sometimes those we love break and we have to decide how much we can put up with in fixing them.
Sorry you’re in this spot.” watchingbigbrother63
16. AITJ For Allowing My Sister To Stay At My House But Not My Mom?
“I am hoping to get some perspective and to have you weigh in on whether I am handling this the right way/ if I am in the wrong.
So I am a new mom to a super cute 6-month-old boy. My husband and I have a 3BD townhouse and do not have a spare bedroom for guests. Husband’s family is super small, and they live an hour away so when they come to visit they stay for a couple of hours and then go home.
My family, on the other hand, all live in different states. My mom and her husband came to visit once a few months ago, and my dad also visited once around the same time. Both times were for 3 days each and they stayed in a hotel nearby.
They would come over for a few hours then go back to the hotel to eat or rest etc. We were too sleep-deprived to handle much else, lol.
This time around, my dad and my sister are coming. Dad is staying in a hotel, and I bought an air mattress for my sister to stay in our office for her visit.
She is a lot younger than me and hasn’t been on her own for very long, I would not want her paying for a hotel. We are super close and she has visited me pre-baby a few times where she would stay for a week on the couch/air mattress whatever when I was in an apartment still.
We are very comfortable around her and she is the only person I could imagine being comfortable with in my house for extended stays.
This is an issue because my mom has asked before to stay with us in the home. After all, it would be cheaper for her and her husband to visit.
Her husband (they’ve been married for 6 years) has said multiple times that he will bring their air mattress when they visit once we buy a house. When I got pregnant, my mom assumed she would stay with us for a month at my house and be present for the birth.
That did not happen. I held a boundary that if you are visiting you need a hotel. The excuse was that we didn’t have room for an air mattress and the house was small.
I understand that flights and hotels aren’t cheap, and I do not pressure anyone into visiting.
I let them know they are welcome to come anytime etc. It’s just a lot to have people you are not comfortable with in your space all the time, especially with a baby.
So now she sees the air mattress set up in our office (full bed wedged between two desks) and she is upset that I will let my sister stay with us but not her and her husband.
I feel like there is no way to explain this to her without sounding mean. I also wonder what would happen when we one day upgrade to a bigger house and have more room, are we expected to host if we have the space to do so?
I’m wondering if I am being super unreasonable or if it makes sense to have this double standard, and how you would explain this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds to me like if your sister had been out in the world as long as your mom dad and mom’s husband, you would be making your sister stay in a hotel.
However. She has not and is getting on her own 2 feet.” BigRockyGaming
Another User Comments:
“It’s hard enough having guests you want but I too would not feel comfortable with some man my mom married being around while I’m just trying to mom my baby.
You are allowed to have this boundary. I will say if you’re not comfortable with your mom then she’s probably never going to understand. I’m sorry if that’s the case, you deserve better.” Mindless-Pangolin841
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for being choosy about who lives with you during a busy and stressful time.
However, soft YTJ for using the air mattress as an excuse. You’re avoiding the real issue. I can understand why you would want to avoid the conflict with a very young child, but I don’t think you can avoid it at this point. Probably best to say that your sister is the ONLY person you can tolerate living with you at this time.” strangefish
15. AITJ For Telling My Dad I Don't Respect Him Because He Abandoned Me As A Child?
“I am a normal GenZ kid born into a normal family (16). I also have a younger brother who’s 7 years younger than me.
By the way, I don’t smoke, don’t drink, have a good relationship with my brother, and have never made any trouble in school.
Coming to the main point, I just yelled at my dad a few days ago and told him that I didn’t respect him.
So, when I was born, I was abandoned by him. He didn’t come to the hospital during my birth (and by the way he was married to my mom during this time).
For a good amount of time, I grew up in my maternal house with my cousins, aunt, uncle, grandparents, and mom.
I truly believe that they, especially my uncle and aunt did more than my parents for me. They cared for me so much that I can’t even describe it. Also, my cousins are super cool. We played a lot of games in my maternal home when I lived there (both outdoor games and video games).
Even after all of this, my mom did not divorce my dad. Miraculously, I would say, my dad came into the scene after 2-3 years. My mom and I have been living together with him since then. And, my mom is a housewife, he takes care of the finances.
But still, he neglected me until my younger brother was born. After the birth of my younger brother, he started acting as a normal dad (only with him). He plays with him and whatnot. Sometimes, it makes me feel like I was in an accident (and probably I am).
He only gives an approving expression to me when I am watching some mathematics or physics stuff on the TV.
My family is upper middle class. I usually never ask for anything (except 2-3 books during vacations). I never got to learn how to ride a bike because I was never given one (even when I asked to).
I never received a gift from my parents on my birthday (only from my few friends and cousins). I play multiple musical instruments (3 to be precise – drums, keyboard, and harmonica). For drums in school during music classes period, the keyboard was ordered for my brother but I learned to play it quite well, and the harmonica was bought by my mom even before I was born.
I intend to learn a stringed instrument (bass guitar). But he does not want to pay for it because he thinks it’s a waste of money.
I resented him for this because he just wanted me to study study study and become an engineer. I am an A grader but I have indeed been doing bad lately (few B’s).
And, I do regret it sometimes.
A few days ago, a family argument broke out and I sided with my mom. I told my dad that I did not respect him because he had abandoned me when I was young and he shrugged it off.
I then went to my room.
AITJ for telling him that I didn’t respect him or should I be grateful that he still pays for my schooling and food even after I was an accident. ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I wouldn’t say expressing disrespect was the most constructive or respectful way to address the situation.
But he made the situation intense and needed to hear this from you. But still, you’re dependent on him so you need to keep some healthy relationship with him to sustain.” Boring_Brick_9009
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. I can’t help but notice that the heaviest complaints you make about your dad come from your very early childhood, ages 0-3.
And then you complain that he was not very present from your ages 4-7, more or less. But he provided for your mother to stay home with you and not go to work. So, sure, he can still be an absentee dad, but it sounds to me that your mother enjoys whispering her marital complaints in your ears, and you have bought into her version of your family story, 100%.
To borrow an oldie, there are likely at least three sides to this story: your mother’s, your father’s, and the truth.” nekpeasant
14. AITJ For Defending Myself Against My Mother's Control Over My Clothing?
“Growing up my mother always found a way to control my life such as what I wear, what I do in my spare time, how I act, or how I feel or look. This always bothered me because if I had gym class and I put on sweatpants and a short-sleeved shirt that did not match or had a different pattern she would make me change even if it meant me missing the bus.
One day I had a basketball game so I got ready but since she had signed me up for five other sports and I had just got back from a wrestling match I was sweaty and tired and this surprise game had caught me off guard.
So I went to take a fast shower and put in lots of deodorants because it was from 8:30 to 10:25. But as soon as I walked out of my room she yelled at me for not wearing a long sleeve shirt under my jersey and I just went back to my room and put on the long sleeve shirt and walk to the car and went to the game.
Do you think that in the end I had gym class the day after and she knew I had gym because she saw my schedule so I put on normal sweatpants in the school T-shirt and as I tried to go to the bus stop, she stopped me and said, “Where do you think you’re going wearing a short sleeve shirt this cold outside is 21° outside and it is snowing go back and change your shirt?
Your socks aren’t even matching and you’re wearing that same pair of sweatpants again really do you want the kids at school to think you didn’t take a shower or that you don’t wash your clothes ?” Only thing racing through my mind was “why would someone care if I was wearing mismatched socks?” And “I’m gonna be wearing this big jacket.
Why would I need to wear a sleeve shirt it’s gym class I’m not wearing leggings.” She continued to yell at me for not wearing the “appropriate clothes” for this kind of weather, and I finally snapped.
I looked at the face and said “Mom, what makes you think someone’s gonna be looking at my feet telling me that my socks are mismatched no one cares second of all why would I wear a long sleeve shirt when we run and lift weights in gym class on top of that no one cares how your hair looks.
I don’t care what people think about me, but the way I act and behave means that you’re not raising me right to all these people that you don’t even know so I have to be this doll that you dress up, why? I’m not a Barbie doll you can dress up and control!” She had proceeded to threaten me with a beating and said “As long as you live under my roof you will do as I say and If you have a problem with that then you can march out of this house and live off of gas station food like the vagrant you dress like every day!
Do I make myself clear!?!” All because I defended myself verbally. Am I the jerk or is she?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like she cares far too much about what other people think. At the end of the day, you are almost 18 and it doesn’t seem like she wants to come to terms with the fact you are your person.
I know it is not the easiest thing to do but for your mental health, I would try not to let yourself get riled up about these things. Narcissists hate when you don’t give them the reaction they want. The more you can not raise your voice and say how you feel without insults, the less ammunition you give her.
Hopefully, in a few years, you can be less under her control and less reliant on her for your basic living situation. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate on top of her personality to deal with with the sports and being close to graduating so do what you gotta do to get through this and start planning for your future.
If this is how she has been all your life, it’s unlikely she is going to change now. Setting boundaries and being independent and able to make your own decisions will be so important so she’s really doing you a disservice trying to make all your choices for you, especially when it comes to the little things like clothes that aren’t a situation where you or someone else is going to get hurt.
Also, it is not okay that your mother is threatening to physically harm you over clothing of all things and if that is happening or does happen you should find a trusted adult you can confide in that can help you. (Or if you think her threats of kicking you out are serious.
But my guess is that’s bluff because if she is so obsessed with what other people think, what would they say when they find out she kicked you out of the house?)” throwaway999424999
13. AITJ For Reporting A Co-Worker Who Suggested I Should Quit Due To My Epilepsy?
“I’ve been struggling over whether I was being too sensitive over a comment resulting in my coworker’s possible termination. I’m a 29-year-old epileptic. I’ve been diagnosed since I was 11. My seizures are well under control but I do have rare breakthrough seizures. I’m a waitress, and while at work I had one of these breakthrough grand mal seizures (they’re the type of seizure you think of when people have them).
This is the first time in almost a year working there to have had one at work. I have had a previous job let me go before over just having the condition not that I continuously had them so I always get extremely stressed to lose a job if I had one during a shift. When I had the seizure I dropped next to one of our tables bashing my head off it and hitting one of the chairs.
I was rushed to the ER with no concussions just a massive lump on my head and bruises.
The following Saturday I was working with a co-worker we’ll call Sarah, and we were having a casual conversation as we portioned food. She asked how I was feeling and I explained I was sore and bruised but otherwise perfectly fine.
She continued how I should look for another job, and that I’m a safety hazard carrying food if I were to drop anything on kids/guests. Though I understood her point I rebuttal with how this doesn’t happen often and that I’m perfectly capable of doing my duties without restrictions so I see no reason.
She continued how there are remote jobs and I should just consider working from home. I replied they’re hard to find openings because they’re rather popular to have. Again she said there are plenty of call center jobs as she walked away. That day I went home and complained to my partner about it, then my mother and my two best friends.
This has stuck in my brain for almost a week now that maybe I should look for another job but honestly, I love the restaurant I work at right now. I eventually brought this up with my manager I’m most comfortable with and it escalated to the other managers who said I should consider writing in a complaint.
They won’t force me, but it’s not okay for me to continuously think about the comments and even have me consider leaving. Their words convinced me to write the complaint which escalated to my head manager and escalated more to HR. My managers explained this behavior isn’t tolerated whether it was meant from a place of concern or not which would ultimately lead to her being fired if they decide it.
I told them I’d prefer if they left it as a warning over jumping straight to firing. I’ve worked with her the whole time being here and never had an issue but they honestly hurt. It hurts worse to know I may get her fired over me maybe overreacting to a comment.
Sarah is about 30ish years older than me and her primary job is working as an elementary school teacher. She has this job for extra cash and only works 3 shifts per week as opposed to me being my primary source of income while I work on my 2nd college degree AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have well-controlled seizures, you are not a danger. It’s not appropriate for anyone to start discriminating or harassing you in the workplace – and I am glad to hear that your management is supporting you. I think it’s entirely reasonable for you to ask that this be kept as a warning or informal conversation, so it doesn’t sour your working relationships but still make Sarah it’s not her place to comment on.” Fearless_Spring5611
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You aren’t causing her firing if she is. Her behavior is. She is old enough to know better and it puts the business in jeopardy for lawsuits. She needs to learn so that she doesn’t continue to do that and she needs to know it’s not tolerated anywhere.” DkLilith
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ at all. Your epilepsy is well controlled and your co-worker should not have said what she did. It would be a good idea if your managers sent your co-worker to a seminar about epilepsy. This is because I think she doesn’t know a lot about epilepsy.
My son suffers from epilepsy and his is the grand mal kind fortunately it is well controlled. I truly hope that everything goes well and please don’t worry as this can trigger seizures. Your managers are supporting you in every way as they know that your epilepsy is well controlled. Also, be kind to yourself.” 1aussiemun
12. AITJ For Not Being More Understanding Of My Sister's Outbursts?
“My sister Sara (F18) is in her last year of high school.
Every time I do something that is of the slightest discomfort to her, she will fly into a rage, scream, and call me ugly names.
This happened just today: Sara was at the dining table a few minutes before me for lunch, so my mom asked her to set the table (just laying spoons/chopsticks).
But she only set the silverware for herself, so I had to get up to get the silverware for myself since I’d only noticed after I sat down. I have to admit, I was a bit annoyed but wasn’t angry or anything like that.
I got up to get it and inhaled some air out of slight annoyance I guess.
Then my sister lost it. She suddenly screamed at me saying that she didn’t know that I was going to eat with her and that it wasn’t her fault.
(I made no accusations of any sort) She also said that I sighed and looked at her like she wasn’t even human. (Again, I was especially careful not to sigh because she had previously thrown fits about me sighing. I also was looking down at my bowl of rice wishing I had silverware to gobble it down since I was hungry.) I protested that I did nothing of the sort which did not help with the rage at all.
My voice was a bit loud as well.
She also screamed that she gave up everything, literally everything for my comfort when I was in high school and now that she’s in high school, I’m not doing anything to understand her stress. I guess she’s saying that I’m not nice enough to her when she’s in such a sensitive state.
But the thing is a) the only thing I asked for was for her to use the bathroom we share a bit more quickly since she would take hours doing her makeup/hair/scrolling through social media when she can do so in her room, b) I was at the dorms most of the time during high school, and even during the times I stayed home, I came home super late from the library at like midnight normally/4 am during exam weeks.
So if I rarely saw her, how could she have given up so much for me? And during the time I was home, I was so happy that I rarely snapped at her (except for the bathroom thing). And c) she’s not stressed out that much.
She’s just on her phone all day(doesn’t study), and she doesn’t currently have any issues with friends/boys so I don’t see a reason to be stressed. I know all this because she told me herself on some of her good days.
So every time she talks about how much she “sacrificed” for me, I just can’t help thinking that she’s just using it as an excuse to get her way. Moreover, I feel like she’s believing it. Honestly, if we were to talk about sacrifices, I was forced to give up every single piece of candy/toy I had ever owned to Sara, always going to restaurants she picked since we were children.
I try not to hold it over Sara since she was a kid as well, but I can’t help but feel a bit upset.
So, AITJ for not being nice enough to her?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Even if she is stressed she is old enough to understand that these emotional outbursts towards other people are not okay.
You are not in the wrong and should not have to be walking on eggshells around her. Personally when someone is acting this manic around me I find it best to laugh at them it embarrasses them and makes them realize how humiliating their behavior is to themselves.
I would simply laugh and state “I’m so sorry setting up silverware is stressful enough to cause you to scream like a toddler, I’ll try not to breathe in your presence if the sound of my breath is so triggering as well” but that’s just me” Puzzleheaded_Job9819
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend Time With My Judgmental In-Laws?
“My now wife (28) and I (26) got married almost 5 years ago. She comes from a very religious family. I share the same religion but I have many different views on teachings in our church.
We met in late 2015 and we had so much fun together. Went out a couple of times a week, road trips, and just really enjoyed getting to know everything about each other.
We spent 4 years together. At that point neither of us was at the best point in our lives and we did several things that maybe weren’t the best decisions, but we were able to be ourselves together and that made us grow very close.
These poor decisions went on for about 2 years until her parents demanded that I apologize for “ruining” their daughter. I refused to apologize for the decisions that 2 grown adults had made. Which lead to my 21-year-old partner being grounded from her phone.
A month later we were talking and together again.
They still demanded for the next 2 years that I apologize. In 2019 we got married. I had an ok job and we got our apartment, life was good. Until I unfortunately lost my job. At the time the best option was unfortunately to move in with my in-laws.
At some point, my FIL comes in and proceeds to berate me about how he feels duped by me. He said, “When you told me you were going to propose to her, I told you that I want you to go to church services regularly and be a worthy priesthood holder.” I told him that I had been going to church every week since moving in and that as far as being a worthy priesthood holder, that was between me and god, not me and him.
I also told him that just because I wasn’t doing things to his standard doesn’t make what I’m doing wrong. The conversation continued with him telling me that my marriage was going to fail, that he was controlling my wife and not allowing her to make her own decisions, that all my opinions on my church beliefs were wrong, and that he wished somebody else had married his daughter but me.
Felt like a real winner.
When I told my wife about the conversation she didn’t believe me. She spent our whole conversation justifying what he said. After a couple of months of major depression, anxiety, and 2 mental breakdowns. I got us an apartment again.
I hoped we would be able to grow as a couple without her parents floating around. I was wrong. It took another 2 years for her to be angry with her parents, not about what was said, but how it made me feel. Though not angry enough to do anything or say anything about it to them.
But angry enough to let me know how angry she is about it.
Honestly…her family is the only thing we EVER fight about. We have since moved several hours away but to this day there are still many heated arguments about my lack of desire to spend even the slightest amount of time with them, as well as her not having my back.
Plus the apologies from her parents without any action to back it up. It just feels like it’s too little too late for me.
Does that make me a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ She can’t force you to spend time with your in-laws.
You’ve communicated to her that they made you feel unwelcome, and you’re uncomfortable spending time with them. All your experience in their presence sounds horrible. They aren’t doing enough to convince you that their attitude towards you has changed. As long as you aren’t forcing her to be zero contact as well, you’re fine.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“I was in a similar situation. My partner and I never fought, except for her very protective parents. Eventually, we got married and moved far away from her parents. Life has been very good for us so far. On the other hand, my best friend married a sheltered girl.
His wife wanted them to live with her parents. He objected but eventually agreed. He often gets into a fight with her in-laws, just like you. Now his in-laws evicted him from their house, and he only gets to see his child one day per month.
Your wife is the only onwhoat can put boundaries with her parents, not you. Until she realizes that, all you can do is to be patient. I know it’s hard, but it’s possible. Just hang in there, don’t let her parents win.
NTJ” Unable_Rest6209
10. AITJ For Not Telling My Parents About My Engagement Due To Their Judgement?
“I (24f) and my partner (30) have been together for about a year and a half now. My partner has met my parents before and some of my extended family (aunts, etc).
So far, there have been no problems and things have generally been easy-going. We’ve been living on and off for a while now (both of us work in different countries) and a few months ago started discussing getting engaged.
Here is where I want to know if I’ll be the jerk or not- I’ve had a tumultuous relationship with my parents so far.
Recently, I made a decision to shift my career and it has left me looking for a job for a few months now and this has created ripples in the family. Most of them came from my mother’s side of the family where, what I believe to be fake concern, they have gone out of their way to try and find out if I’ve found a job or not.
They have also mentioned that this has been an incredibly immature, irresponsible, and rash decision on my end and that I should have just stuck to my profession regardless of how bad my boss may be. I’ve found out about this through the grapevine and none of this has ever been said to my face.
They have also, in the past, commented about how they don’t think my partner is well-settled and have made numerous backhanded jabs (veiled as a concern) due to their profession. I don’t want to give too much away but it’s not a regular 9-5. What they don’t know is that they have been helping me make ends meet with relative ease and we’ve (my partner and I) had multiple discussions on where to take things from here.
My concern is that because I’m in the middle of looking for work- the news about the engagement will add more fuel to the fire. Where talk about my age, my income, and my lack of maturity will come up. Judgment is obvious. However, I can’t stand the fact that there will be statements thrown into the mix about my partner as well.
I briefly considered the idea of telling my parents but urging them to keep it a secret for a while until we’re ready to reveal the news but unfortunately, I do not trust my mom to do that. She has a history of presenting one thing to me while going behind my back or even outrightly passing out information that I have expressly asked her to keep to herself.
The idea of getting engaged is one that genuinely excites me and I do love my partner and I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives together. But WIBTJ if I don’t inform my parents about this decision? I don’t know if I can handle the fake excitement and enthusiasm while KNOWING that they are probably talking amongst themselves disapproving the entire thing.”
Another User Comments:
“Inform your parents of your wedding date and location when you have one. You are a grown adult, you can announce your plans, on your timeline. You do not have to ask for permission or approval from your mommy and daddy. NTJ” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“Wild guess – your partner is doing something? Anyways, NTJ now but you will have to consider that they WILL find out eventually. Unless you go to NC, this is a fight that will come around at some point. It may be better if you are the one setting the conditions they can learn it from, rather than them hearing about it and blindsiding you later.” EntertainerCapital36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You are an adult and don’t need to share everything the second something happens. Respect yourself and your future spouse. Give yourself space and address these concerns with your family as if you care for them and if they care for you, then an effort should be made.” CrazygemIsHere
9. AITJ For Not Inviting My Entitled Friend To My Husband's Annual Trip?
“My husband has been going on a vacation in the fall for years (before me) to unwind/relax. (He pays for everyone’s accommodations and almost everything while on the trip).
2 years ago, my husband and I decided to invite our best friends. We also invited his parents and aunt and uncle.
We ended up going on a tiki boat and my 21 y/o son at the time was over-served and was sick in the trash can and could barely stand. I was livid. We took him back home. Made him hydrate and shower. While he’s in the shower my friend who is also intoxicated is trying to get into the bathroom where he is to “help”.
I was already tending to my son but now she keeps trying to get inside the bathroom. (I made my son leave it unlocked just in case I needed to go in there) He was beyond wasted. I ended up having to raise my voice and tell her to just go back outside with the guys….
Suddenly, my husband was upset at me for being harsh to her?!? She didn’t explain to him what had happened correctly. Whatever, the next morning everyone is fine. Cool.
So, my husband and I decided to just invite our best friends 2 years ago for a “redo”.
That way our attention can be on them more and not split between his family and them. It seemed like a lot before. We rent another home on the water and they are both invited, along with my oldest son (23 now) and his partner. Last year I decided not to invite her and invited my sister.
It seemed like a lot of drama and I didn’t enjoy myself like I’d wish I had. She is the party friend, so she’d rather hang with everyone else drinking. (And cool that’s who she is, I know this)
This year, I’m inviting my sister again.
She ended up not being able to come last year. My friend brings up what she calls “friend’s vacation” almost every single time we speak. She tells me she told her flavor of the month he’s gonna have to step up his game and jet ski, boat, etc….
So, she is constantly just trying to be invited again, and sounds like she thinks we will allow her casual partners too.
2 days ago she FaceTimes me and flat out asks me if we are having another friend’s trip this year. I say “Number 1 it’s not a friend’s trip, this is my husband’s annual trip, 2ndly if we don’t go overseas then I’m inviting my sister again since she was unable to go last year.
Well, she puts her middle finger up while I’m talking. Not quickly, but like left it up. She then says if it is not a friend’s trip then why did my husband invite his friend again last year? So I said, “My husband pays for this trip so he’s allowed to invite whomever he wants”.
This REALLY makes me feel some sort of way. My husband kind of thinks it makes me seem like a jerk because she doesn’t have the means to do nice things and I could just invite her. Yeah, I could. But my sister also doesn’t have the means, so it is nice to have her there also.
There is less drama too.
Just curious about your thoughts. I’d like to go off on my friend because I just feel like it’s now expected.”
Another User Comments:
“Your husband is a very generous person to pay for other not family members to join you on vacation.
You invited this woman once. It is entitled behavior to expect to be invited in the future. She wants to have a wild time on your husband’s dime. I would tell you to never invite her again as I would find her behavior annoying and offensive.
NTJ” Aggravating-Pain9249
Another User Comments:
“You don’t owe this woman an annual all-expense paid trip, WTF. And after the predatory behavior toward your intoxicated son in the bathroom, I am surprised you are still friends. No wonder you didn’t invite her the next year.
But shooting you a bird when you didn’t invite her the second year after the intoxicated bathroom incident. Wow. And it’s none of her business if your husband invites a friend or two- and she wants to argue about it! The entitlement runs deep.
NTJ” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and your friend are being an entitled jerk about this. It also sounds like you just don’t enjoy hanging out with her much (and it sounds like there’s a good reason for that), so you may just want to back away naturally.
All the other information was unnecessary; if you and your husband don’t want to invite her, don’t invite her (and certainly not her latest fling).” Tangerine_Bouquet
8. AITJ For Exposing A Secret Chat Group That Mocked Me?
“I (32W) used to be a part of a large group – like, a chat with 50+ participants of a university program, where the most active were around 10-15 guys. A few years ago, I invited a guy (let’s call him Peter 31) I was interested in, and he fits in perfectly, everyone adored him (most of the time he acts like a real gentleman, charming, funny, and smart, and looks like a cheaper-but-really-good version of Henry Cavill).
When we ended our relationship, Peter started seeing Laura from this chat.
A few months after that, I left the chat because I realized that it didn’t provide me with a comfortable environment. I kept in touch with a few members, and one of them started to resend me some messages about me not only from the main chat but also from a girls-only group I didn’t know about.
I know that I should have stopped this because it was… hm… illegal maybe and wrong, but I didn’t. Most of these messages (from the girl’s room) were disgusting and gruesome, about the way I look. I know that I’m not pretty, but it was out of all limits, something like “I think Peter was with her with a pocket on her head” (okay, I can accept offensive humor – but it should be funny at least).
I felt frustrated and disgusted, and read these messages over from time to time, winding myself up for a few months. Plus, people who joke and laugh acted properly when we met face-to-face, especially Laura and her best friend, Mary.
But okay – at some moment, I got caught up in my issues and just forgot about this situation.
Last week I went to a restaurant and part of the group came there too. They saw me and recognized me, and invited me to join them, were friendly and “we’re-so-glad-to-see-you”, but I found a proper reason to refuse it. At some point, Laura and Mary started to insist and were intrusive.
Laura took my order and told the waiter that I would be at their table. I wasn’t able to restrain myself and told her that I didn’t have anything to do with such hypocritical people, and they both pretended that they didn’t understand what I was talking about.
Then, I reminded them of a few of their jokes, and they called me hysterical with low self-esteem. Well, fair enough, but the thing is that Peter tried to calm us down at that time and he didn’t understand what was happening.
I explained to him about the secret girls’ chat and some jokes.
Then I just left and thought that everything was over.
Well, it wasn’t. Mary wrote to me that Peter had access to this girl’s chat (he took Laura’s phone against her will) and read not only jokes about me but also some… intimate secrets of other women.
Mary insists that I should talk with Peter and assure him that I know everything about this chat and was a part of it, don’t mind such jokes, and so on.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you didn’t do anything wrong, all you did was tell the truth and set your boundaries.
Based on what you’re saying, it looks like the other girls want you to tell that lie because they don’t want their true selves to be exposed to the world. Also, probably the relationship between your ex and the other girl is in danger, and she is desperately trying to find a solution.” SergioFHAR
7. AITJ For Secretly Contacting My Paternal Family Against My Mom's Wishes?
“I (16M) got caught talking to my paternal side of the family against my mom’s wishes. My dad passed away when I was six, and when I was eight, my mom remarried. At the time, it was just me and her, but her husband had two kids, and she was pregnant with their first child together.
Growing up, I was always close to my dad’s side of the family because my mom’s side was never really around. Things didn’t change much after my dad passed, but when my mom remarried, they did. My paternal family didn’t want to include my mom’s husband, his kids, or the new baby because, as they put it, “they weren’t family.” My mom wasn’t okay with that.
She told them they had to accept all of us equally or not at all, but they stood firm, saying I was their grandkid—not the others.
That’s when my mom decided to cut them off completely. She even moved us to another state where grandparents’ rights were harder to enforce.
She fought hard to make sure they couldn’t get any legal rights to see me.
But even as a kid, I wanted to stay in touch with my grandparents. I saved their number in secret and, once I got a phone when I was 11, I reached out.
From then on, I was back in contact with my dad’s side of the family. We talked regularly, and I even told them that once I was old enough, I’d move back to where they lived so we could be closer.
My mom and her husband had no idea about any of this—until last month.
One of my stepsiblings overheard me talking to my grandparents and told their dad, who then told my mom. Things blew up. I got in a lot of trouble, but luckily, I had saved their contact info somewhere else, so even if they took my phone, I wouldn’t lose touch.
I was grounded for two weeks, and after that, my mom and her husband sat me down to ask what I was thinking going behind their backs. My mom said it hurt my stepsiblings’ feelings that I’d been secretly talking to people who rejected them and refused to see them as family.
She said I shouldn’t be okay with my grandparents treating my siblings like they’re lesser.
I told her it made sense to me since my stepsiblings and half-siblings aren’t related to my grandparents in any way. I also said it would be different if it were her family, but this is my dad’s family, and my dad isn’t part of the new family she created. That really upset her.
She said that by doing this, I’d chosen my paternal family over my nuclear family. I told her, honestly, that I had—and that I’d do it again.
I also mentioned that in a couple of years, I’d be old enough to move back to be closer to my dad’s family and see them regularly.
That made her husband furious. He said, “My kids think the world of you, and they’d be devastated to know you don’t care about their feelings.” My mom called me disrespectful and said I had no right to go behind her back like this.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, they don’t care about *your* feelings or they would have never stopped you seeing your father’s family in the first place. Did you go about it wrong by keeping it a secret? Maybe, but it doesn’t sound like they gave you much of a choice than to go behind their backs.
I hope you find a way to stay in touch with your family and/or get to go back to be with them. NTJ.” buongiornoitaly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents denied you access to your family, which was wrong. While I don’t love your grandparents being so exclusionary, I am sure they were hurting from the loss of your dad.
You have every right to have as much family as you can have. You should be able to know more about your dad too. I am sorry you are in this position.” eowynsheiress
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Wait your mom expected your dad’s family to treat your stepsiblings like equals?
How this does even hurt the stepsiblings, because those are people they probably barely met? That whole family sounds entitled. Info: Do your paternal grandparents have a lot of money? That could be a motivation for their entitledness and they are using you as a bargaining chip.” [deleted]
6. AITJ For Leaving Lunch After My Mom Invited My Disliked Cousin Without Telling Me?
“This is an old one, just wondered what people here thought.
For context, I was living on my own but visiting my parent’s house on my days off. I had flown home (as I did, and still do, work in the airline industry) so I didn’t have my own car there.
My mother often would throw “enchilada parties” where she invited friends over and we’d make red chile enchiladas (I am from New Mexico, and Mexican food is a big thing there.) My mother was very extroverted while I’m more introverted. Anyhow, this one day we decided to have an enchilada lunch as my father was meeting some fellow retirees for lunch (he didn’t like Mexican food, poor man.) So I was looking forward to the lunch, helped get everything prepped, and ran to the store to get some Negra Modelo.
While I was out, my mother decided to call my aunt’s house to invite her and my female cousin over. I would probably still have been a bit annoyed because I was looking forward to a one-on-one lunch with my Mom, but I would have understood.
At any rate, my aunt wasn’t at home, but my male cousin was. I didn’t get along with him at all at the time. My mother was aware of this. Nonetheless, she invited him to come over for lunch.
As soon as I got home, Mom said, “Oh, I invited (male cousin) to have lunch with us!” and my response was, “You WHAT?” Then the phone rang.
I answered it for my mother and also said something about how big of a jerk my cousin was. While she was on the phone, I said, “Well Mom, hope you have a nice lunch with (male cousin) because I won’t be here!” and walked out.
She asked me please not to leave as I was walking out the door.
I walked through the neighborhood and stopped by a family friend’s house to call home. Mom was trying to be nice and invited me to come back, saying everything was almost ready.
I forget exactly what I said, probably that I’d think about it. For reference, this happened a long time ago, before cell phones were common, and I didn’t have one of my own yet.
I ended up walking to a nearby movie theater, watching a movie, stopping by a bar and having a bee, and then went home.
At this point, I was over my anger and ready to have a discussion with my mother as to why I left. But when I got home, she was angry. This kind of set me off again. She said something to the effect of, “This is my house, and I can invite whoever I want for lunch in my house.” I said, “Sure you can.
However,r I’m not obligated to join your lunch if I don’t want to.”
I mean at this point, I’d been living on my own for several years…I still enjoyed visiting my home and helping out around the house with any yardwork/chores that needed doing…but I didn’t have to come there either.
At any rate, my mother stayed mad for a few more weeks but things eventually calmed down. I guess she did talk to a lot of relatives and friends about me walking out though, as it upset her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have boundaries and you are holding to them.
Not sure what happened between you and (male cousin) but if Mom knew, then that was a semi-jerk thing to do to invite him. It is her right as it is her house, but you also have a right to leave if you don’t like the situation.
I don’t think she will be inviting him again.” goldenfingernails
Another User Comments:
“When I was reading this I forgot you were an adult…I kinda assumed you were a teenager for the way you were behaving. Your mum’s house, of course, and she can invite anyone she likes.
We are all guilty of forgetting all the ins and outs of family members and in this instance, there was some miscommunication and she was thoughtless about your dislike for the cousin. However,r you acted like a petulant child and should’ve just sucked it up for that one meal. Sounds like the whole got to you if you’re still ruminating on it when it happened so long ago (before everyone having cellphones was a thing).” chazza79
5. AITJ For Cancelling LARP Event Due To Partner's Bad Mood?
“My partner and I are part of a LARPing (live-action role play) group, the team we’re with are elves and now and then our team will all dress up in our outfits and hang out on a weekend. Our son loves it and wants to dress up and wear ears to fit in, the rest of the group loves it and has dubbed him our youngest member.
My partner rarely goes for the sword fighting and mainly just wanted to come so he could go for a hike while Son and I were at the Elf event.
Today we were having a get-together at some smallish mountains around 20 minutes from where most of us live.
3 people were traveling down by train and asked if they were able to get a lift from the train station to the location we were meeting at (a 5 min drive), I offered to give them a lift and told my partner. He seemed annoyed asking how we would fit them in the car, I said that I would drop my partner and son off at the location and take the esky out and anything else they’d need and my partner and Son could have lunch and something to eat while I went and picked up the 3 from the train station.
As the morning went on and we were getting ready my partner was getting in an increasingly bad mood and after a few times of me asking what was wrong started saying how me picking up these people was “inconveniencing the family” and “surely someone else can pick them up.” I asked how it was inconveniencing the family if I was the only one driving to pick them up, he started going on about petrol costs and how it would be a muck around getting everything out of the car, we would be taking most of the stuff out of the car anyway once we got there.
After a while of this, I wasn’t even in the mood to go anymore if he would be there and told my partner that we could not worry about it and go to the beach instead, he responded with “I don’t care.” So I messaged the group apologizing that we wouldn’t make it because something came up, I got changed, and after we all got in the car said we were going to the beach instead.
That caused more of a fight with my partner saying I just didn’t want to go in the first place and was using him as an excuse, I explained that I did want to go but with how he’s been acting this morning I didn’t feel like being in a bad mood around my friends when they were just wanting to have fun.
I ended up driving my partner to the mountains so he could go hiking and Son and I went home and picked him up when he was done.
My partner is saying how his admitted bad mood shouldn’t have made me change the plans and I’m just making him feel bad for no reason.
I am a jerk for canceling on my friends and not picking the people up from the train station like I said I would. But am I the jerk for making my partner feel guilty by not feeling like going?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ He admitted his behavior was bad but he’s deluding himself into thinking that his behavior didn’t affect other people.
He planned to go hiking while you and your son did your LARP thing. He didn’t want to watch your son nor wait 15-30 minutes while you got your friends from the station. 5 minutes there, 5 minutes back… hardly takes that much petrol. Now he wants to make you look like the bad guy, make it your fault so he won’t have to take responsibility for his behavior and apologize.
The people who are closest to us affect our emotions the most. Happy, sad, angry, or grumpy, it doesn’t matter. It affects us because we care about their feelings. He knows he’s the cause because he’s admitted it, so why can’t he take full responsibility and apologize for being a major jerk?
Is he the type who never apologizes?” BleepYouToo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are your friends and of course, you want to help them if they need it. Him being in a bad mood because that didn’t make much sense especially if it was just about the gas prices since it was so much of a problem you could have just explained that to your friends and maybe gotten a bit of money that could compensate for the losses.
(Even though I think it would be a really small amount, I also don’t know the distance between the station and the place you guys were going so I have not much say in that) In the part of canceling out and going somewhere else, I also don’t see a problem.
If you are in a bad mood it’s normal to not want to ruin a fun experience with friends and the beach sounds like a good place to relax and for your son to have fun.” 11_Tropic_11
4. AITJ For Fighting To Keep My Abusive Ex's Cat That He Abandoned?
“I (19F) had been in a relationship with Lucas (21M) for a couple of years. It was a terrible relationship and he was horrible until I finally left him in August last year.
I don’t want to delve into the nature of the relationship but I still struggle to this day with pretty severe panic attacks. We had been living together in an apartment that was not animal-friendly so his cat, Squiggles was given to my parents until we moved somewhere else.
She has been with my parents since mid-December 2022 and has settled extremely well.
When we broke up, Squiggles and a few other items such as a bed and a desk which were at my parent’s house came up in discussion and he said we could keep all of it, so my family accepted Squiggles as part of the family and were happy to keep her, and I tried to move on from the relationship but did end up in hospital at one point because of my mental health.
During this time Lucas also went on a holiday and seemingly forgot about Squiggles.
Lucas’s sister, Tracey (25-26?) messaged me a few weeks ago expressing that Lucas was interested in getting Squiggles back as he was moving into an apartment that allows pets. During this time I was going through a pretty bad burnout and was at an extremely low point physically and mentally, and didn’t reply.
I can accept how this was a jerk move as I probably should have said something, I just told my family what happened and tried to get better and slightly forgot about it.
Recently though, Tracey sent my dad a message saying she would escalate and get the police and local animal shelter involved if we didn’t give the cat back, and that we did not have authorization from the owners (her and their mother) to keep the cat.
I do accept this as I supposed they are the registered owners, even though I was under the impression she was registered under my ex. After hearing this news from my dad I had a look and couldn’t find the messages where Lucas told me that we could keep the cat or any of the furniture, but it is clear in some places in the conversation that some messages were deleted. I also thought that escalating to threatening to call the police on my parents in the second message to any of us was pretty inappropriate and honestly quite scary considering the context of me and Lucas’s relationship.
We have been looking after the cat since 2022, and in August were told by Lucas we would be keeping her, have paid multiple vet bills as well as the necessities for keeping the cat, and looked after her when Lucas went on vacation after we broke up.
This is also the second time since the breakup (6 months) that Lucas is moving, and I know from his history he moves very often.
So, would I be the jerk if I fought for this cat because she is actually part of my family and is doing extremely well, despite not being the actual owner of the cat?”
Another User Comments:
“If you and your family truly love the cat, NTJ for fighting for it. He abandoned the cat in 2022. I don’t know the law, but I think a case could end in your favor if you used all the info (with as much proof as you can find) you’ve posted here.
Good luck with whatever you decide.” Gattina1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They haven’t cared about Squiggles for over a year. They can keep forgetting her. Also, I’d question whether they are the “registered owners,” and if they have always been. Then I’d tell them you don’t have Squiggles, that you have a different cat that looks like Squiggles.” Trepenwitz
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your parents have had this cat for a few years now without word from the mother/sister so any argument they have legally regardless of the animal being registered to them is weak. If they try to push it then legally your parents can demand compensation for all food, toys, time, and care, as well as any vet bills plus travel expenses incurred during visits to the vet.
I’d advise you to do some math and give them a rough calculation of what they’d owe your parents if they try to push their claim (which not including any vet visits and travel will be somewhere in the £2k region at a minimum).” Strain_Pure
3. AITJ For Wanting To Be Honest About My Family Situation At My Grandmother's Funeral?
“I (30sF) and my husband (30sM) have to attend my grandmother’s funeral. This was expected. She was very old (92!) and her health declined quickly over the past two weeks. Although I was not close to her, I was able to see her before she died. We are attending her funeral which should be large since she had many, many brothers and sisters and she was the oldest.
The issue is I am incredibly low contact with my immediate family. Both my mom and dad were physically and mentally abusive to (only) me from the time I was 11 until I was 24 (when I was finally able to become independent. It took longer than I wanted because they also controlled me financially.) My parents refuse to apologize or acknowledge anything that happened even though they have been given a great number of chances.
In addition, throughout my life, they have told extended family that there was something wrong with me; that I had “issues” and was on substances. This was made up it was just a means to destroy any kind of support I may have received from another family, thus making me more dependent on them, the jerks.
I was also never allowed to have a private conversation with my siblings when I lived in my family’s home. If I tried, my parents would say that I was a liar (no matter what the topic was) and I was just trying to make drama.
As a result, when I finally was able to try and tell my siblings what happened, they did not believe me. They said what they were taught; that I am a liar. Had I not still had a grandmother who lived with them, I would have gone completely no contact with my family.
At the funeral, I know the extended family (up to 100 people will be there) will most likely approach my husband and me (since they haven’t seen us in years -as a result of the low contact-) and ask how my family is doing. I am okay with saying a general, “Husband and I are okay, we’re happy grandmother lived a long life.” However, what I am nervous about is if they bring up my mother (since it is her mother who died) or my siblings.
I am not comfortable lying about my relationship with my family. If a relative says something like, “You need to be there for your mother now” or anything that implies a family that is supporting one another, I don’t think I can agree that I am part of that.
I want to say something like, “It’s good my mom has my brother, sister, and dad for support. I’m not in touch with them, but am glad they have each other.” However, I know this could cause questions and potential drama. Plus, it’s a funeral!
It feels like a faux pas.
I have no desire to be in contact with my parents. I am very happy without them. And the only way my siblings would stop hating me is if my parents told them the truth, which will not happen.
So let’s not dwell on that aspect.
My main concern is WIBTJ if I were honest at the funeral (to those who ask/comment? I might be the jerk because funeral etiquette/this would greatly upset my already upset family.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ-but I think the funeral is the wrong place to tell people.
I think you should be honest only if they push the issue. Otherwise, just smile and move on. Most folks are just saying what they’re expected to say, especially if they don’t know the full background of a relationship. I say this after years of experience with similar issues.
I did not go to my mother’s funeral so I do get what you are talking about. This time is for your grandmother though.” Something_morepoetic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, these seem like reasonable statements to make and it sounds like you’d ONLY even mention being low/no-contact with your family IF pressed by others to support them, which frankly would be inappropriate of them (meaning it would be inappropriate for others, especially who do not know you well, to pressure you or criticize the level of support you show outwardly towards other people at a funeral).
The other option though is to keep pretty much mum about it. If people say something like “You should be there for your mother right now” you could use a very generic non-informative response like “Thank you for your input” or “I appreciate your consideration”.
Staying polite and refusing to disclose any details will mean you are never blamed for bringing drama.” owls_and_cardinals
2. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Partner's Refusal To Answer Simple Questions?
“My (29f) partner (29m) and I have been together for about 6 years. We have very different personalities, which at times leads to conflict. This post is about a specific situation that keeps happening (I’d say weekly) and has often annoyed me until I finally addressed it today.
This “last straw” exemplifies the problem pretty well (and please stay with me even if it sounds petty, hopefully, it’ll make more sense later): my partner came to me to make me try a post-workout smoothie he just made. He said it was incredibly good and thick, better than the ones he made in the past. While I didn’t want to try it as I had just brushed my teeth, I asked what he put in it to make it so good.
He said “Not now” and turned around to drink it. I said “Come on, just tell me”, and he replied “It’s like 8 ingredients, I don’t want to explain now”, to which I again said, “Can’t you just tell me what you used, just some of it?
Banana, milk?”. He turned around and was like “Just drop it, I don’t want to explain now and that’s okay”.
This happens often. He’ll be scrolling his phone on the couch and he’ll read a headline written in a language that he understands and I don’t.
He’ll make a surprised expression, to which I’ll ask “What does it say?”, but he’ll just shake his head and say something along the lines of “Not now”. There are many more examples but the point is that it is always things that he could tell me in less than 10 seconds, in moments where there is no stress at all; a very short list of ingredients, a name, a sentence, you name it.
When confronted he’ll say he’s tired after work or, in the example of the smoothie, that he would have told me some other time if I wanted to make the smoothie myself. I feel like “postponing” or “rescheduling” an incredibly short answer like that is ridiculous.
I cannot imagine anyone else doing it, and I cannot imagine any state of mind where this reaction would make sense to me.
Here is where I might be the jerk: After he wouldn’t tell me what was in the smoothie, I admittedly acted kind of annoyed/cold for the next 10 minutes, until he asked if something was up.
I told him I was annoyed he wouldn’t tell me what was in the smoothie, as he could have done that in just a few seconds. He reacted pretty irritated as well, saying that it was his right not to have to tell me at that moment as he simply didn’t feel like explaining how he made it, and he was now himself annoyed at me for making it into a discussion.
We (both not happily) decided to “agree to disagree” and dropped it.
I am aware of how silly this sounds, but I thought that this example, while it might seem superficial, is an interaction on which I can more easily get an outside opinion that might help me think about other, more intricate issues.
Was I the jerk for being annoyed at my partner for not telling me what was in the smoothie? Or am I just not getting where he’s coming from whenever he doesn’t want to give me a quick answer like the ones described?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but in my experience, this isn’t a lack of communication it’s about control. Very subtle but it lets him control information the conversation and the narrative. You’re not unreasonable for being annoyed but I bet he’s good at making you feel like you are.” AdmirableSwing3138
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is really weird behavior on his behalf and you’re right to call it out. Like this is just conversation and he’s making it impossible. I don’t even know if this makes sense, but it almost feels like a form of gaslighting or something like that when he acts like brushing off simple questions is a reasonable thing to do.
Listing the 8 things in the smoothie would take no time at all – it’s not like you were asking for detailed instructions or anything like that – especially when he came over to share his excitement about it in the first place. Again, can’t even explain it, but it rubs me wrong.” hannahkelli
1. AITJ For Telling My Partner To Stop Grieving Her Friend's Brother?
“My partner is best friends with Sarah (F24). They have a very close-knit relationship, i.e., their mothers are best friends, so they’ve been best friends since the womb.
Sarah’s older brother (M28) passed away suddenly 4 months ago and it took us all by shock.
My partner would have grown up with him but wouldn’t have been particularly close with him. I would have known him through various social groups for years also, but my partner would have known him much longer.
Since his passing, my partner has been very depressed and she keeps mentioning how he has ruined her best friend.
She is always up at his grave, or over at the house checking up on her best friend. For the first month after his passing, it was hard on both of us. But I reminded myself that it’s what he had wanted and we needed to respect that.
I’ve moved on and given peace to the idea, however, my partner has not.
I understand people grieve differently, and that is okay, but my partner brings him up daily. I am sick of hearing his name every single day. We have a newborn that we need to take care of which adds additional stress, and I work a very high-stress job which does not help, we also aren’t completely financially stable which is added stress.
My partner went out on Saturday night with her family and friends and got very intoxicated when she came home to our apt. At am and wanted to be intimate, but then began talking about her friend’s brother which was just a complete turn-off. She asked me ‘how he did it’ and asked me to describe everything how she is so angry at him for ruining his best friend and how she sees him every time she closes her eyes or goes to bed. Frustrated, I turned to her and I said, why are you even bringing this up, you need to stop getting involved in other people’s stuff.
He passed away, there’s no bringing that back, your friend has changed, there’s no bringing that back. You changed when you became a mother, everyone changes. Life moves on. You need to focus on our baby, and our relationship, instead of keeping up with the ‘Kardashians’ (their last name here).
I said you’re so invested in their lives right now, why? What good is it doing to your mental health, why do you feel a need to be so invested, I told her, I’m sick of talking about him, it’s all we do, all we do is talk about the ‘Kardashians’
I told her she needed to see a counselor. I got out of bed and went for a drive, frustrated, angry, and tired. I just needed to get away from it. Again, I understand people grieve differently, but It’s like she is feeding off their grief and becoming sad in the process.
I’ve heard his name and talked about him for 4 months straight now (120++ days). Not a day has gone by since when he wasn’t mentioned. I do not have the energy to be talking about him anymore. It frustrates me because I have accepted it, and yet she seems to be feeding into her friend’s grief.
It’s like she doesn’t want to let go of the grief.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – your partner needs help and you handled this poorly. You said best friends since the womb. Did they hang out with the brother too? Was it like she lost the brother?
Add in the hormones after birth, Do you ever think that she may be experiencing PPD on top of it? You should have encouraged her to go to therapy. Not shame her for still having grief and “get over it” Ok_Job_9417.
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You are simply tapped out, while she’s struggling to cope with the death and a new baby. You reacted poorly, but you had reached your breaking point. Your wife is grieving in an unhealthy way and does need grief counseling You could probably also use some therapy to develop ways to deal with her grief so that it doesn’t completely drain you.” Right_Count
Another User Comments:
“A deceased person isn’t actually ruining anything. So, your partner is confusing me with that? It’s not like the deceased has superpowers. NTJ. Be honest. Be polite. But, be firm. “You are upsetting me. And I do not want to be upset right now.
I am over so much of our family time is about your friend. And I need some space from the hurt sometimes. I will have to walk away sometimes when you bring this up. You’ll have to share it with someone who can support you.
I can’t. I am overloaded.” I think we all get to draw some white light boundaries of self-protection around ourselves at times. If we don’t then people will wring us out like old, emotional dishrags at will. Who needs that as a constant?” AndSoItGoes24
