People Have Some Doubts In These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Not Allowing My Stepfather-In-Law To Shadow Our Wedding Photographer?
“I received this message from my fiance’s stepfather David (married my partner’s mother 1 year ago after 6 months, so he’s new to the family).
“Hey I’m doing some self-study on Wedding Photography and they recommend shadowing a professional photographer at a venue. Usually, they’ll do it as long as I give them photos in return.
I just upgraded my camera and lenses to pro-level equipment and would like to ask your photographer if he/she would allow me to shadow them for a bit. Would you mind sharing his contact information… thanks in advance! I’ll send you some pics from today’s photo shoot that I did.”
My reasoning for saying no: 1) I’d like my guests to be guests. 2) I’m paying the photographer to be our photographer and not a teacher. 3) David is a self-obsessive talker and will not just “shadow”… he will ask for validation/advice/interrupt. 4) I just don’t feel it’s appropriate, if David wants to take pictures he’s more than welcome to, I just don’t want him bothering the photographer.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell David you want your guests to be guests. Warn your photographer to be on the lookout for David. Tell the photographer emphatically that David is not to “shadow” him during your wedding. You can work out a scheme if you need to (e.g. the photographer needs paperwork — an NDA, a waiver, and/or a release form from the venue as well as the hosts — that he didn’t bring with him and needs to be filled out well in advance of the party anyway).
And if David keeps “insisting,” you may need to uninvite him to the wedding.” SamSpayedPI
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like he is totally unprofessional for even asking you. He should ask a photo studio directly and all your reasons and reservations are completely valid in my eyes.
If he asks, a no is a perfectly valid question, him expecting you to hand over your photographer’s info and going behind your back after you already said no is not just unprofessional, it’s top-tier childish, imho. So yeah, you definitely did the right thing.
If he can’t accept a no, I doubt he’ll be easy to deal with if the answer would be yes.” Iothil
Another User Comments:
““Good news David! The photographer agreed to have you shadow her. Unfortunately, she does want it to be in her studio because that’s where all her work is BUT she wants you to bring your work as well.
That’s great, isn’t it? Mmmhmm, anyway because you’ll be so focused on your project we don’t want to steal any more of your time so we’ll just take away that +1 from Mommy Dearest. Thank you, David, hope you bought something off the registry.” Harley-Quinn5636
21. AITJ For Refusing To Mediate A Property Dispute Between My Ex-Wife And Sons?
“I was married for 25 years (married young) and have a few kids. I divorced a few years ago but still live together.
My eldest sons (21 and 23) have been fighting with their mother over money. She bought me out and received a couple of properties.
Our two eldest sons have kids of their own and want to rent two of the properties because they’re in nice areas.
They do have a trust from their grandparents that they just got access to and wanted to outright buy the houses from her.
She offered a price that is beyond what they can afford. She suggested they rent and that upset them because they feel like they’re just wasting mortgage money on rent.
Why she’s being a stickler is because she is cash-strapped after our divorce and wants to sell before the market cools.
As a result, they feel utterly betrayed.
Now they’re making a conscious effort to not see their mom and withholding their sons from her. That really upsets everyone. I’ve been asked by both sides to bring everyone together.
I refuse. Now I’m the bad guy because I won’t fix this even though I don’t know how to.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except the mother. She has to fund her retirement or she will end up in a serious financial predicament. She should absolutely sell now. If the kids want a particular house for sentimental reasons, they need to work with her.
There are ways to give them a discount that doesn’t result in her losing a lot of money. For example, a direct sale would save the 6% realtor fees. The kids are acting like entitled brats, so I’m confused as to why their parent, OP, does not tell them that.
Clearly, they need the perspective of a rational adult who is not their mother. OP could be that person.” Aylauria
Another User Comments:
“Mom needs the money for retirement. Your sons are acting entitled. Of course she should get fair market value on the homes.
Your sons are in the wrong for lowballing and strong-arming her because they want the houses they can’t afford. Your ex, their mom, could easily live another 40 years. It’s nice if we can help our children in life but it’s equally important to not be a financial burden on them as we get older.
That takes long-range planning. You’re not the jerk for not getting involved but kinda yes for not calling the boys on their bad attitude and punishing their mom. You raised these boys. Why don’t they care if their mother will be able to support herself for the decades to come?” SufficientComedian6
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. There isn’t any way for you to “bring everyone together” when what each side means is “Make the other side give in to my demands.” If they were willing to compromise, they would work together to do so.
Instead they’re both making you the “bad guy” by putting you in a no-win situation. I would tell both sides that the properties have nothing to do with you anymore and thus you won’t be involved in any way, and they are out of line for expecting you to put yourself in the middle of the whole mess.” ProfPlumDidIt
20. AITJ For Refusing To Send My Mom Flowers On My Birthday?
“My 21f mom 46 recently asked me to send her flowers on my birthday from now on to celebrate her for giving birth to me. Apparently, she saw it on TikTok.
I laughed and said my birthday is about celebrating me and my life, we celebrate Mother’s Day to celebrate her delivering me and my siblings but she got really upset when I said I didn’t want to send them.
If anything she should send me flowers but she’s not happy we are not celebrating her on MY birthday.
My siblings aren’t getting any trouble from her about this, only me. I don’t know what to do. Am I being selfish by making my birthday all about me?”
Another User Comments:
“It is a weird request and you are NTJ, but a few things could be happening here.
1. She’s trying to suggest that you are a full-grown adult and she can’t keep buying you presents and it’s time to dial your expectations back to a card or phone call on your birthday. This is more likely if you are the eldest. Also, maybe subtly ask about her finances – times are tough right now and possibly she just can’t afford it.
2. She is feeling unappreciated. Think back to her last birthday and mothers day. Did you actually celebrate her? 3. she’s just being narcissistic.” saran1111
Another User Comments:
“NTJ not at all, your birthday is….ABOUT YOU! The fact that your mother is making it about her is ridiculous.
It’s like she feels entitled and wants to find an excuse to have another day be about her. I’m glad you stood up for yourself because her behavior is uncalled for. Going forward if your mother is sticking to her guns, you should celebrate it with people that care about you.
Not people who use your day as an excuse to celebrate themselves.” DylantotheJ
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However, before TikTok was even a thing I started this tradition with my mom (I was probably 16). Big difference though is no one told me to do it.
My mom actually told me I didn’t have to and it wasn’t expected at all. It was an organic way of expressing my love because my mom meant the world to me and it was such a small thing. I no longer have my mother, so I send flowers to my mother-in-law on my husband’s birthday.
It is a beautiful gesture when it is organic but I would never expect my kids to do the same; if they do great, if they don’t also great. I would suggest talking to your siblings about this and see what their thoughts are and whether mom is a little too involved in social media and is having a bit of a grass is greener type of envy.
I would try to get to the bottom of whatever she is feeling, is she normally a selfish person, is her love language gifts, Have her friends been more distant lately and she is feeling really lonely? Partner makes her feel unappreciated? It seems like a really small thing to be upset about.
I know everyone is quick to jump on the idea that someone is trying to overshadow their event or their moments and I do think there might be an uptick in entitlement from watching everyone else’s highlight reels every day on the internet. I hope you are able to resolve this issue with your mother.
Definitely NTJ and I hope you have a wonderful birthday!” searchingforshinies
19. AITJ For Not Wanting To Spend My Birthday Celebrating Others?
“I (14m) have not had a birthday party in like 4 years. My mom and dad are separated and my dad got a new wife. Last year my dad and his wife made me sit in the back of their jeep so we could go see my step sister on my birthday.
The years before that it fell on the week I went to camp and the first year it happened was not bad I got to spend the week with my friends but after that my friends stopped going to that camp and I was left all alone on my birthday.
This year my mom and sister want to go to my sister’s friends’ open houses but they all are on my birthday and I am not happy with my mom and sister over this. So AITJ for not wanting to spend my birthday celebrating others?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family seems to disregard you. If there was something important to do I’d understand needing to do that, but it seems like your mom would rather support your sister’s friends open houses than celebrate your birth. Have you asked her why this is?
Go out with friends or stay home and treat yourself how you want to be treated.” Open-Possibility-723
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. It doesn’t sound like your mom has been avoiding celebrating your birthday for four years. More like you were at camp for two of those years and with your dad (who maybe did drop the ball depending on the context in which he was seeing your stepsister) for another.
Going to senior graduation open houses is also likely a huge deal for your sister. I’m in my 30s and have younger siblings. I don’t remember a single birthday party of theirs between 10-18 that was especially memorable or special for me, though I love my siblings and am close with them.
I’m sure I was there for some and that they celebrated others with friends, they just weren’t particularly big events in my life. I do remember high school graduation open houses as very memorable and important. Don’t take those from your sister to prove a point.
You’re not going to enjoy a birthday she attends and resents having to be at. For many people, those graduation parties are an integral part of the high school experience and sometimes the last real chance to see certain people before summer jobs, college, etc. I’m not sure why your mom is choosing to prioritize those parties too, but perhaps those are families she also knows and wants to celebrate.
You are better off asking them to celebrate your birthday on another day and then spending the day doing something you want to do without them (like spending time with a friend).
You’re 14, you are old enough to not have to go to those open houses yourself.
If you want something on the actual day maybe ask them to do breakfast before those parties or a dinner later, schedule permitting. This is part of growing up, sometimes there are other things on the actual day of your birthday (school, finals, work, etc.), and not everyone can be there.
It’s fair to want a birthday celebration from your family and to ask for that, but insisting they do it on the actual day when they have other commitments isn’t going to accomplish much. There are two separate issues here. One is that you haven’t had a birthday party in the past few years and want one.
That one makes sense to address and that’s where it does sound like your family might not be celebrating you appropriately. The second is that they are busy on the actual day with other important things, that’s just part of life. Talk to them about when they are available to celebrate your birthday and make it clear you’re hurt that it has been ignored for years.” KelpieMane
Another User Comments:
“Mostly NTJ, but why do you have to go to these open houses? Why can’t you stay at home? At 14 you can still reasonably expect your birthday to be recognized properly. When people do the “but it’s my birthday!” it’s really age-dependent whether they are in the right.
At 14, you’re in the right. If you were 30, you’d be the in wrong.” Pale_Height_1251
18. AITJ For Expecting My Husband To Help With Our Child And Household On His Days Off?
“My husband is a long haul trucker and doesn’t consider his day off in his truck days off despite being able to do anything he wants, he sleeps 10 hours every night.
Yes, he only gets to come home on vacation once every 2 months. But that’s the job.
We have a 4-month-old little girl. On top of being her sole caregiver around the clock with no breaks, I also run our ranch where we supplement our diet with fresh organic meats and eggs.
As well as sell eggs and animals on occasion.
When he comes home on his vacations all he wants to do is play video games, drink, and go visit his friends (whom I hate). He also expects me to keep on doing all the childcare as well as clean up after him and cook for him.
When I finally have a meltdown he claims innocence saying he can’t read my mind and I need to ASK him to care for his own daughter! Is it too much to ask for him to be a proactive parent like I have to and figure it out or AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Normally I’d say otherwise because expecting someone to read your mind is a toxic behavior, but here’s the thing: even though you both described your behavior as mind reading, you were not doing that. Him being a guy and the majority breadwinner doesn’t mean he shouldn’t, by default, do any caring for his child.
He should absolutely care for and interact with his child. You aren’t asking him to be a proactive parent. You’re asking him to be a parent.” toofat2serve
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I find it weird that he doesn’t seem to be very interested in your child if he sees her so rarely.
You should talk to him though, not just expect him to do stuff. On the other hand, you must have known how his job is and that the burden of childcare will be mostly on you. I guess he must have always used his vacations like that, drinking and hanging out with friends, etc. You knew who he is and had a baby with him anyway.
So I am not sure why you are surprised that he is who he is. But you should talk to him about being a parent. He is a jerk for expecting you to cook and clean for him though, seems like he treats you like a maid.
But if you have always cooked and cleaned for him, why would he expect anything else? You really should let him know that even if he’s on vacation from work, he is not having a vacation from being a husband and a father. He seems to be thinking so.” Rush_Electronic
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry he’s acting this way. But actually, I think this is good. He told you you need to ask. So ask. Be very specific and let this be a springboard for new and better conversations between you both about expectations and child care and household management.
If he is home that rarely, he may not realize how much things changed for you with the arrival of your newborn daughter. Give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s cluelessness vs malice. Thank him for inviting you to have a direct discussion about this, and be very clear with him now about what you need, and what his child needs, from him.
Best of luck!” TresWhat
17. AITJ For Being Angry At My Sister For Exploiting Our Sick Mother's Childcare Services?
“I am not super close with my family. Perhaps if I was, I would have been able to sniff out this situation sooner.
I live a few hours away and have my own issues, so I have been less than consistent with my communication which is on me.
My mother has had multiple strokes in the last few years, which has revealed a multitude of heart problems that need to be addressed. She can’t work for this reason, but for the moment does not qualify for disability.
Hopefully, that will change soon, but it’s the reality at the moment.
My sister and her husband both make significantly more money than me (full-time nurses, both) and also have a 1-year-old. My mother moved into their ‘in-law apartment’ and provides full-time child care for their heavy schedules.
Ten hours a day. I recently learned from my mother that they pay her 300 dollars a month for the childcare (this should be more like 1500 based on the area we live in) but still charge her 700 dollars in rent per month (extremely low, I know, but based on the drivel they are paying for full-time child care is absolutely criminal).
They are ‘giving her a rate’ on the rent, but the amount that they are paying for full-time infant care is an absolute joke.
I am extremely angry at my sister and her husband (who I believe is spearheading this deal) but I wanted to make sure I’m not insane before I blow up on family.
These are rates that a high schooler wouldn’t accept, and yet my sick mother is being subjected to them simply because she has no other option? They are bleeding her dry, and have had the gall to tell me that I should be doing more.
Doing more from my perspective would be playing directly into their pockets, which I will not be doing. I want to support my mom, but I won’t do it under the current system which would just be putting money in their pockets.
They recently paid off both of their vehicles and bought property on a lake.
I am at a loss for the complete lack of empathy for my dying mother. What do I even do?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But do not contact your sister. Contact your state department or police office of elder abuse, AND your Department of Labor!!!
Tell them about your mom being paid $300 per month for over 200/month hours worked! That violates both state and federal labor law because it is way under minimum wage. And is also abuse to someone her age. At $300/month even providing her free rent (300 cash plus 700 rent is only $1000 or $5/hour) would still be well under minimum wage!
They will be required to pay her mucho back pay for the childcare to escape fines etc.” bkwormtricia
Another User Comments:
“YWNBTJ but you know that this will not go well. I think that you should speak in numbers, rather than discussing the morals of this.
Explain that the minimum rate for your mother’s work is $2000 per month and that she should be receiving that as base pay. After rent is deducted, her monthly wage should be $1300. Then explain that your mother is going to need those funds for basic care.
I want to point out that your mother’s finances are bad enough but also that if she is unable to work and seeking disability it is completely inappropriate for her to be caring for an infant for more than 20 minutes.” EmceeSuzy
Another User Comments:
“I missed why you aren’t taking her in?
If they are being so awful why don’t you have her come stay with you? Once she moves in with you, you can set her straight about child care. Have a family dinner and mid-dinner ask, why do you pay mom $300 to take care of your kids when the going rate for a full day daycare is $1500?
And why are you charging her rent while paying her nothing? She’s paying you to babysit your kids. Mom’s moving in with me and if you want her watching your kids you’re going to pay her x.” Fabulous-Shallot1413
16. AITJ For Wanting My Heaters Back From My Sick Flatmates?
“I (f 20) have three flatmates but only two are important to this story so I’ll call them Flo (f 21) and Laura (f 20). We are renting a house while at university and as winter has properly now set in, throwing my small Uni town into early evenings and frost-covered grounds, so has it become a necessity to have the radiators on.
As I’m sure you can imagine, uni students + landlords aren’t always the best recipe and so our radiators don’t work (they probably need bleeding) and so far we’ve heard no response from our landlords if we’re allowed to bleed them ourselves.
We have no heating. We haven’t had any heating. The only time our bedrooms get warm is if the tumble dryer is on which we can’t leave on or we’ll have to pay more for bills. So, when I last went home I brought two heaters with me.
I gave one to Laura because she was sick and I still had my main one however Flo asked last night if she could have it because her asthma gets really bad and the cold air can even in extreme cases leave her hospitalized. This means I have no heaters.
I also have a condition where due to my medication my feet and hands get really really cold. I’m talking toes go blue and can stick them under hot water and won’t feel anything. Also, our house isn’t the best in terms of insulation.
So, I’m thinking about asking Laura for my heater back as I’m so cold I’m in pain. I do understand that she’s sick and that her getting better should take priority after all I do have a hot water bottle and surely I can survive using that until December 20th when I go home?
However, why should I have to freeze? They’re my heaters?? She’s had the heater for over two weeks! And Flo hasn’t even mentioned giving my main heater back but I don’t want her to get lung damage or something.
I just don’t know what to do.
I don’t want to be a horrible person by taking away something from a sick person but at the same time, I offered her to use it. She’s never even thanked me for it. Now I need it back and I don’t know what to do.
Also, Flo could stay at her partner’s place but I don’t want to be mean and ask for my heater back because she really needs it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Laura was sick, but if she is still sick after two weeks, then she needs to get her butt to a hospital. Flo has a lifelong chronic condition of which she is well aware, and should be buying her own heater because she will need it all winter every winter.
At this point, neither of them should be using your heaters, except for the fact that you were kind enough to lend them out. But you are trying to be a kind person, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So at this point, what you do is you tell both of them that you are taking your ~main heater~ back, and the 2 of them are welcome to work out how to share the other heater for the next week or so.
After that, you will be using it in the main space, so they will need to use that time to figure out whether or not they want to buy heaters of their own for their bedrooms. It doesn’t matter which bedrooms they sleep in, or whether they don’t want to share a bedroom temporarily or whatever – it doesn’t matter whether they agree with you or not – and they will likely both tell you that you are mean and everything else.
They are adults and they are responsible for themselves. You are not a parent, you are a roommate, and if you don’t start putting your foot down, they’re going to walk all over you for the remainder of the time, you are sharing this place.” KrofftSurvivor
Another User Comments:
“Most townships have legal statutes as to when and at what level landlords must supply working heat. Check your local statutes first. It may also be in your lease. In my area, the tenant is entitled to have a working heat system by November 1st. If the temp is controlled and paid by the landlord, it may not be set lower than 68 degrees F.
If the tenant pays the heating bill and controls the temp, the heating system must still be in working order and usable by November 1st. If the landlord’s properties are mainly rented to students, talk to Student Housing. If they are recommending this LL’s units, they will have some pull with him too.
I would tell your roommates, you need your heaters back, now, because you also have a medical condition affected by the cold. Tell them where you bought your heaters and how much they were. They need to provide their own. NTJ.” Liu1845
Another User Comments:
“It was really nice of you to lend your friends your things. Unfortunately, you’re now paying the price for being kind to people who aren’t as kind as you. Get both heaters back, take one home, and only keep one heater for yourself at your place.
Or keep both in your room. If you all have medical issues, you should all be providing your own accommodations. They know they need heaters. What happens if they’re negligent and they leave one of your heaters unattended which causes an accident? More likely: What if they break your heaters?
They definitely won’t replace them. Save yourself a bunch of heartache, apologize for the misunderstanding, and get your stuff back.” unled_horse
15. AITJ For Not Sharing My Traumatic Past With Every New Person I Meet?
“When I went to college I had a close friend who passed away. It took me a very long time to accept it and I ended up in a miserable addiction because of it and I am just now making peace with it in therapy.
Long story short, I got really sick of telling people the story and always being looked at as a victim or someone to feel sorry for. I don’t want people to be nice to me because of that. I’ve had friends drop me because they feel uncomfortable around me and I’m sick of the treatment from it and I just ultimately want to put it behind me like it never happened. It’s been almost 10 years also.
I just don’t want to tell the story anymore. I know it was a big part of my life but it’s really reserved deep lore more for long-term people that I share it with after a while it’s not something I want to tell every single first date.
I recently started talking to a guy I went to college with and noticed that he knows a lot of the same people as I did back then and has even hung out with them. He asked me how I knew certain people and I responded with a straightforward answer that I just knew them from college a long time ago and we used to party together (not a lie just left out the whole traumatic part).
He posted a picture of us on Snapchat and I guess an old mutual friend asked how he knew me and he spilled the beans.
Now he’s accusing me of lying about my past and is upset with why I didn’t tell him.
I just want this stuff to be over with. I am so sick and tired of explaining it, it shouldn’t matter. I should reserve the right to not trauma dump the second I meet someone. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ but this entire thing is really not serving you well.
You lost a friend a decade ago. It would be very very strange to mention this when you are first seeing someone. Maybe it would come up a year or two in, but there is no reason for this to be part of your main story.
I don’t know what’s so wrong with the guy you were seeing but his behavior is bizarre and you’re much better off knowing that he’s not a guy you want to see.” EmceeSuzy
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. On what planet is anyone entitled to you talking about a traumatic history that is none of their business?
Honestly, this is a big fat red flag about this guy. Not only are you not obligated to talk about it EVER if you don’t want to, but the fact that he found out and then made it about him says some not-great things about him as a person.
No one is entitled to you opening up your wounds for them – no one – and anyone worth being with would understand that and wouldn’t have even brought it up until you were ready to share it.” hannahkelli
Another User Comments:
“NTJ; if I understand it correctly, he’s upset you didn’t immediately basically give him your whole life story?
I wonder what he’d do if the roles were reversed. How many embarrassing things do you know about HIM after your 1st date? What blackmail material has he volunteered? If the answer to that can be numerically represented by a goose egg, he is not living up to the standard he has set for you.
There is no shame in putting a bulwark up to such hypocrisy.” mikoc5
14. AITJ For Interrupting My Partner's Game To Show Him My Purchase?
“My (21F) partner (25M) and I have been in a long-distance relationship for the past 2 years.
We are working towards moving in together by next year. To save up money, my partner works night shifts as he earns more.
Because of that, we don’t have that much time to talk during the day, so it’s nice when he has a free day like today.
I FaceTimed him and he answered as he was playing on his pc. He seemed quite into it so I was pretty quiet, asking him something from time to time.
I wanted to show him something I bought and told him to look when he could.
3-4 minutes passed so I said okay I guess you can’t, never mind. He then looked at the camera, I showed him and he got angry because he lost in the game as he was paying attention to what I was showing him, not the game.
He just closed the call and later texted me saying ‘freaking calling me when I’m doing something and then showing me what you freaking bought when you can just say what it is, in the middle of the fight’. Then he moved on like nothing happened.
But I am upset, I get it that he wanted to play his game, but I was just asking for a few seconds. The way he reacted to me doesn’t seem quite nice. Am I the jerk for interrupting his game to show him what I bought?”
Another User Comments:
“This is gonna be a hot take. ESH. Let’s get the obvious one out of the way first. His response to you was unacceptable. It was overly aggressive and at no point is losing in a game a valid reason to cuss out your significant other.
Period. However, he does make a single point. You could have just told him what it was. It would have been a realistic compromise, so you could share the joy with him while still allowing him to decompress on a rare free day. The game was important to him in that moment.
Sharing the purchase with him was important to you in that moment. Neither of you seemed to really take the other person into account on that. The “okay if you can’t” comment could have been read as a passive-aggressive push to have him turn his attention away from the game to you, which is why he looked even though he was mid-fight.
You also could have texted him a picture of it after just telling him what it was. Keep in mind that none of that excuses his behavior afterward. He was unnecessarily disrespectful to you with his response. You obviously had no malicious intent and did not mean any harm.
You did not deserve to be spoken to that way. No one does.” TheGoodJeans
Another User Comments:
“ESH. I’m female and a gamer and most online games don’t have pause. Honestly, he didn’t have to even answer your call mid-game but he did because it was you and he didn’t want to ignore your call.
You saw he was busy and instead of waiting 10-15 min for him to get to a stopping point (most matches take 15-25 minutes if it’s fps) or waiting for a save spot if it has one, you kept trying to start a convo and rush him so you could show him what you bought.
I get his frustration because he was actively engaged in his hobby doing his thing and you could clearly see that but you didn’t care because you wanted to show off what you bought. He’s a jerk for his overreaction though. Hanging up and cussing are too much even if his feelings are absolutely valid.” Loud-Rhubarb-1561
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you’re feeling hurt and upset, and honestly, I can understand why. Relationships, especially long-distance ones, require good communication and mutual respect for each other’s time and boundaries. If this is a pattern, it might also be worth discussing how you both handle communication and interruptions, especially when you’re managing the challenges of long-distance.
Open, respectful conversations like that can help you both understand each other’s needs better and find a balance that works for both of you.” LilyLuna9
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Share My Location With My Overbearing Mother?
“We have had Life360 on our phones for years, since my mom was a single mom and my brother and I got home from school before she did.
It’s never been a problem, because she checks it for peace of mind, knowing where her kids are. Now, she lives across the country with my brother, and I am in a different state. She has a brain injury and still looks at my location a lot since I’m not great at answering texts all the time.
My mom is in her 50s, I am 25, my brother is 23.
Last Christmas, I turned off my Life360 because I was going on a trip to Puerto Rico that I knew she wouldn’t approve of. I lied about it when my brother asked why it was turned off, my mom caught me in the lie, and it blew up our relationship pretty badly because she felt like she couldn’t trust me.
I am well aware that I was the jerk in that part of the situation. I shouldn’t have turned it off, and I definitely shouldn’t have lied.
HOWEVER, nearly a year has passed, our relationship is still very rocky, and recently we have been on the outs about my upcoming marriage.
She doesn’t approve and doesn’t want it to happen, but I’m still doing it. She has started using my location against me – calling and starting fights whenever I spend time with my soon-to-be in-laws, asking why I’m leaving the house in the evenings, or what my plans are on the weekend that require me to drive an hour away from home.
About two weeks ago, she and my brother turned off their locations and told me they were going to walk into the desert and possibly never return. I panicked, called the cops, and it turns out it was all a cry for help. They were sitting at home, totally fine.
Well, I turned off my location out of anger and frustration. The thinking was if they were going to turn theirs off to lie to me, then they didn’t need to know my every move anymore.
My brother texted me a couple of days ago, asking me to please turn my location back on so they can know when I’m home.
I am reluctant, because I am still angry and hurt by their words and actions, and it has honestly been pretty freeing to know that my mom can’t sabotage my days by calling and starting fights when I leave the house. I know that she does look at my location for peace of mind (remember, brain injury – very emotional, very anxious).
I also feel that at 25, in a different state, I should have a certain level of privacy from my mom. She does not need to know my every move. But I did turn it off once before, and that ended up causing a huge pile of mistrust and lies, and I don’t want to do that again either.
So would I be the jerk if I keep it turned off? Or should I do what they want and turn it back on?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. OP, you’re acting like your mom is just the average annoying mom here when she is mentally unstable and has roped you and your brother into a codependent relationship.
It is not normal for a parent to be tracking the movements of their adult child. It was NOT rude of you to turn it off before you went on your vacation and it was not wrong of you to do any of the following, whether it hurt your mom’s feelings or not: go to Puerto Rico, get married, spend time with future in-laws, or spend time with your future husband and other friends.
What was wrong–like really, really wrong–was for your mom to pull her “walking into the desert” stunt in an effort to manipulate you. Keep it turned off and get in therapy if you aren’t already. I’m not as keen on the “go low/no contact” suggestion as many in this sub, but I really think you have no choice here and you need to encourage your brother to do the same.” JeepersCreepers74
Another User Comments:
“Location sharing can be convenient for groups, but it only works when (1) people are not obsessively checking it, and (2) people don’t form judgments about you based on what they see, and (3) they don’t use it against you. It’s become unhealthy.
Your mother needs to make the emotional detachment that all parents and children need to make when they become adults. Your mother has not successfully transitioned from being the manager in your life to a consultant. Her brain injury might have meant you gave her more leeway than you otherwise would have.
It’s gotten very unhealthy, and you need to stop arguing about it “no I’m not sharing my location anymore”. Don’t give reasons. Reasons invite debate. Just keep repeating yourself.” HappySummerBreeze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You are caught in a situation where you grew up without a healthy understanding of privacy.
You don’t owe your mother the need of knowing where you are. She needs to learn you are out of danger and you are grown now. It is normal when parents don’t know where their adult kids are. They can call and talk about their day but not about every move.
Abandon this service – your mother needs to learn the next step – even with a brain injury. Say to her “thank you, for raising me” and that she did fine so you are an adult now. Get her a hobby she can use instead and feels better not watching you or thinking she has to.
Every brain needs something to do. Your brother needs help – he has a psychological issue by supporting your mother to track him and you and is dependable on her psychologically, otherwise, he wouldn’t support her actions. He is afraid of being unwatched – this is very serious and he needs to do something about it, otherwise he will fail to live an independent life with a family or something.
Your mother maybe wouldn’t be able to understand, what she is doing there out of fear: she destroys his life. So be patient with him and keep supporting him being independent and getting help.” RabbitridingDumpling
12. AITJ For Being Upset My Partner Used Our Shower Brush To Clean Up Dog Vomit?
“My partner told me that he used one of those silicone hair/scalp massager brushes to help get a stain off the carpet after his pup threw up. Initially, in my head it was fine because it actually would make a good carpet scrub so I just assumed it had been repurposed into a cleaning tool.
However, when I got into the shower today I noticed that it was back in the shower and I was kind of grossed out. I brought it up with him and in his defense, he said he cleaned it and silicone is basically antibacterial so it can be used. I just can’t wrap my head around using something that has been used to clean up throw-up on my head/body and we got into a discussion about how it’s not gross at all.
AITJ for getting mad about this or is it safe/okay to use it since it was “cleaned”?”
Another User Comments:
“OK, is it gross to think of using it after being a like tool? Sure. My guess is a lot of people hate that idea.
Truth is also a lot who don’t care at all. If this man uses the tool on the carpet and on his head after he cleaned it well, he may not see any problem at all. Now you told him it upset you or that it should be replaced, and he responded poorly, then he’s a jerk.
But from what I read here you are not a jerk and neither is he.” Puzzleheaded_Hatter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My roommate told me, about a month after the fact, that she couldn’t find a scrubber for the bathtub to clean it. And used our toilet brush.
But it’s okay because she cleaned it before using it. The brush that cleans poo particles and pee. The one that sits in a small puddle of gross water in the holder, despite trying my best to stop the gross water from occurring. Yeah I wanted to die after hearing that.
Nope. No. Nah. I also went home and deep-cleaned that tub before I even considered showering. Just ick. So I totally get where you’re coming from. Sometimes it’s not gross to one person but absolutely is to the other. Good luck and hopefully he knows not to do that again now you’ve stated you don’t like it.” Negative_Shake1478
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here I don’t really understand why this is that deep. Personally, I would replace it and use the old one for the same kind of messes. But I wouldn’t be grossed out if he cleaned and used it.
You just have different opinions on it. They’re not expensive. Did you ask him to replace it and he said no? If so, yes he’s the jerk.” wholesomedust
11. AITJ For Insisting My Dad Smokes Outside Due To My Respiratory Issues?
“I (20M) am temporarily living with my dad (67M) until May 2025. I recently had a series of respiratory issues – bronchitis in June, pneumonia in July, and yesterday I had to go to the ER due to chest pain and breathing difficulties. The doctors diagnosed me with pleurisy (inflammation of the lung tissue) and explicitly told me to avoid all smoke exposure for my lungs to heal.
My dad smokes inside the house once a day, directly under my room. He insists on smoking under the kitchen fan, but my room is right above the kitchen and has a ventilation unit in the ceiling. When I ask him to smoke outside (literally one step through the door), he refuses, saying he’s “too tired” or “it’s too cold.” He also claims that “one smoke under the fan won’t do anything” and that I’m “not even in the same room.”
When I try to explain the health risks, especially after my ER visit, he says I’m “crazy” and “overreacting.” He claims that “smokers are being bullied” and that “you can’t live like that” (avoiding smoke) because “there are smokers everywhere outside.” He refuses to acknowledge that there’s a difference between occasional outdoor smoke exposure and concentrated indoor smoke directly below my room.
My blood tests from the ER show my body is actively compensating for respiratory stress, but he dismisses all medical evidence. I have to keep my window open in freezing November weather just to try to avoid the smoke.
AITJ for insisting he takes literally one step outside to smoke, especially given my current health situation?
Note: Moving out isn’t an option until May 2025 due to my current situation.
My smoke exposure-related health issues are documented by doctors and I was specifically instructed to avoid smoke during my recovery from pleurisy.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but clearly he’s not going to change.
You have to move. Have to. This week if you can. Not 6 months. Ask all your (non-smoking) friends if you can even just couch surf. Ask the doctor for help; they should be able to refer you to social workers who can maybe come up with something, not sure what, but if you have visible-on-tests problems from the current environment that may well trigger some level of benefits that might get you a place to stay for a bit at least (or, a place to go after a couple of weeks of bumming off friends).” shoobe01
Another User Comments:
“I relate to this so much. Diagnosed at 39 with pulmonary sarcoidosis, I was living with family and my mom and brother smoked. After being in the hospital with pneumonia, they stopped smoking in the house … For about a month. On holidays I ended up in front of cracked windows trying to get a little fresh air (that was freezing) because almost the whole family smoked. It’s been over 20 years and obviously, I’m still bitter.
Some smokers are in denial about how harmful it is, and it sounds like your dad is one of them. I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Creative-Version4774
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: Do you all have a garage? He could smoke in there and then open the door after he is done.
It will still smell in that room but goodness. You could also buy a box fan and get a 20×20×1 air filter for the back of it to help filter the air in your room. Just make sure to get the filter that will filter smoke too.
Maybe he could buy one for himself to smoke into I don’t know. Also, if the weather permits it, open those windows and doors. The air quality will be so much better & it takes about 15 minutes to circulate fresh air in your home. So sorry, but I don’t know what else you could do while you are living there.” Confident-Drama-422
10. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Stepsister Pep Talks Instead Of Therapy?
“I’m 15M and my stepsister Melanie is 14F. My dad and her mom Laura (both late 40s?) got married 4 years ago. Melanie flat-out told me she didn’t approve of her mom remarrying and wants nothing to do with the new husband or his kids.
I deliberately don’t talk to her because the dislike is mutual at this point.
Melanie can’t work with people at school either. She goes on her phone and won’t talk to members of group projects. Laura complains whenever the school writes home, saying that it’s exaggerated/not true.
But I believe it because Melanie’s the exact same way with us at home.
The trouble now is because Laura wanted Melanie to join a school leaders program that gives priority for honors/AP classes and some other benefits. The program rejected Melanie with a statement that Melanie had good grades but she’s not a team player and therefore a bad fit for the program.
Even though we’re not even at the same school, Laura asked me to help encourage Melanie to come out of her shell with pep talks. Her logic was that Melanie doesn’t seem to respect her or the school counselor and she’s hoping I could get through to Melanie as someone who’s her age and knows how it is as a child of divorce.
I said no and that Melanie needs a therapist, not a stepsibling. Melanie’s dad is a cop, I know they have good health insurance, and he should get something for her because she obviously isn’t taking the divorce or new school well.
Laura asked if I could still give Melanie pep talks, but I pointed out that me and Melanie don’t like each other and Laura knows that.
And does she expect Melanie to be like “I treat my own mom like she’s nothing. But oh yes! I’ll definitely listen to you, stepbrother who I barely even acknowledge!”
Laura called me rude and claimed it takes everyone chipping in because therapy isn’t an instant fix when you have trust issues.
That may sound valid on its own. But it all just comes off as her trying to pass the problem off to someone else considering she didn’t get Melanie into actual therapy years ago.
My dad said he got my logic for refusing and I had valid points.
But at the same token, there was no need for the sarcasm and I was rude. I’m sure I was rude, but this has honestly been going on for too long. It’s clear Melanie isn’t going to change without an actual therapist and someone needs to tell Laura like it is.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Melanie explicitly said she wants nothing to do with you. Why would she take anything you say seriously? Being her age and another child of divorce won’t overrule her dislike of her step-dad’s kid, the new “family” she clearly doesn’t want.
And even if someone doesn’t have trust issues, therapy is never an instant fix. That’s why you keep going. Melanie needs to talk to an independent, unbiased third party which would be a therapist, not you, OP. I hope she gets the help she needs.” FandomLover94
Another User Comments:
“What you said was the truth, what Laura asked for was a delegation of her responsibility as Melanie’s parent. You are a minor, you have no business giving a talk to another minor on a very sensitive issue; the source of the issue is that Melanie did not want her mother to remarry and since then has sought to isolate herself at home and in school.
I would have a talk with your dad and ask him to tell Laura she is not to discuss topics relating to parenting of Melanie with you. This is a boundary she has to respect. In the 4 years, Laura has failed as Melanie’s parent, she tolerated her isolation at home, dismissed the school’s concerns when they brought it up, and rejected therapy.
From the way you write, it sounds like your dad and stepmother parent their kid separately. This is going to overstep the line but Dad has to get Laura and Melanie to attend therapy individually and then together on Melanie’s dad’s health insurance. NTJ, it is not sarcastic or rude, Melanie needs therapy for her own mental well-being.” No_Cockroach4248
Another User Comments:
“Classic case of a desperate parent grabbing at anything that’s within arm’s reach and saying ‘Maybe THIS will work!!!!’ Melanie hates the new marriage and apparently, the entire world and nobody’s going to change her mind, especially not by trying to force her or jolly her or pep talk her or badger her into AP programs. They’d be wise to just leave the girl alone.
They can moan about you being sarcastic all they want, but until you busted it out, they were still asking you after you said no. You got your message across. If they’d taken no for an answer the first time, you wouldn’t have had to be rude, would you?” atterysquash
9. AITJ For Using The Term 'Partner' In My Grandmother's Obituary Tribute?
“My “parents” are not my parents, they were my legal guardians after my mom passed away and my father abandoned me.
My guardians were my cousin (hereafter referred to as “Mom”) and her partner (hereafter referred to as “Dad”). They are not married despite being together for over 20 years. I should note that my relationship with Mom is strained due to years of her emotional and verbal abuse.
I keep my distance to protect my sanity and to maintain some semblance of “peace.”
Dad’s mom (my “grandma”) passed away recently and the funeral home put up an obituary page for family and friends to post pictures, memories, etc. I have a particularly fond memory in which I asked Dad’s mom if she’d be my grandma.
I was 11 years old and just lost my mother and thrust into this whole new environment, my actual grandparents were dead, and I was an understandably lonely kid looking for an actual familial connection.
Anyway, I wrote about this memory, and in the most neutral way possible, I wrote at the end, “I was just a kid with no living parents or grandparents being raised by her son and his partner, and (Grandma) claimed me as part of her family, loving me all the same.” Then signed off by saying I loved her.
At the wake and the funeral Mass, Mom refused to hug me but wouldn’t tell me why, just that she “didn’t feel like it.” Then after the funeral, Dad called me and SCREAMED at me about how I disrespected him, that people are asking who his partner is as if he had a gay partner on the side, how could I be so malicious, if I had a problem with my mom that I should bring it to her and not broadcast it for all to see on his mother’s funeral page, that I was a selfish little jerk and made it about me, etc. We argued, he screamed at me some more and hung up.
We went a week without talking until he finally called me to apologize and explained his side, saying that I should’ve asked for his approval first before posting and that I shouldn’t have included them at all if it wasn’t meant to be malicious. I maintained that I didn’t write what I wrote to be malicious – I was telling a story that wasn’t about him or Mom, that it wasn’t my fault that people were misinterpreting what I said, and that he should’ve clarified with me before asking anyone else’s opinion and getting crazy with me.
I also expressed that I was angry with him for not giving me the benefit of the doubt and for speaking to me the way he did.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“”Partner is a gender-neutral and legally neutral term that generically describes a significant other.
It covers husband, wife, significant other, and a lot of other terms. That’s really weird that people who know you and know that ‘Mom’ is your wife would ask you who your partner was since by definition, your wife would obviously be your partner. I have to think that either these people don’t know you very well…or I suppose they could know you well enough to suspect that there is something wrong with your marriage, but then I guess I was out of the loop.
Either way, using a neutral term was not malicious…it was neutral.” NTJ. That’s actually an excellent demonstration of why they are not a bigger part of your life and that you are right to continue to keep them at a distance.” DinaFelice
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You said you were being raised by her son and his partner. That is accurate. You could have said “Dan and Shelly,” but then they’d probably freak out at you for using their first names. If you’d said “my mom and dad who I love very much and are so incredible”, they’d probably have gotten on you for being sarcastic.
There’s nothing “right” you could have said, according to them, so you said what’s true, that your grandma loved you and welcomed you into the family. That’s all that matters. Sorry for your loss.” Necromantic_Inside
Another User Comments:
“What were you supposed to call her?
Companion? Bed warmer? Partner is a perfectly acceptable, neutral, and reasonably respectful term. She’s really just mad that she wasn’t the star of the show and that you got some affection from someone who didn’t try to make you pay for it.
I hope you move on from those people and build a better life for yourself. You deserve much better than that!” Character_Goat_6147
8. AITJ For Insisting On Driving Home After Drinking Less Than My Wife?
“My wife (32) is super upset at me so please give it to me straight. Saturday we (wife and 2 daughters) met my brother’s family while camping. We were there for about 5 hours, we ate and drank and made s’mores and played while we were there.
Around 9 pm we started getting ready to leave (roughly 1.5 hour’s drive home). I had one Jack and soda, and she had about 2.5 mikes hard. She’s a little bit of a lightweight. Well, I’ve had less to drink than her and figure I should drive home, seeing as I had 1 drink earlier that evening and none in the last 3 hours or so.
She insists on driving. An argument ensues where she wants to drive so I should just let her drive. Me thinking well I’ve had less to drink it’s just common sense I drive our family home. I end up driving home and she is visibly angry and lets me know the whole way home.
But I figure I’d rather her be mad at me and we all get home safely.
She’s very upset that I took her right to drive her car away from her when she was ok to drive. I have no idea if she was good to drive or not, but I had less to drink than her and figured it only made sense.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Seems like ego/insecurity on your wife’s part. It sounds like you were perfectly capable of driving safely and legally at this point, not sure why folks are insisting you should have had 0 booze. She has no right to be upset unless you were a total jerk about it (ie “you’re a disaster hon, you definitely shouldn’t drive – hand me the keys”).
Hopefully, you handled it with kindness, but regardless you did make the right call here by choosing to drive. Personally, I love it when my partner offers to drive, regardless of my sobriety level.” eggsandpandacakes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ your drink was long gone if you only had 1 and nothing else for 3 hours (as long as you had a normal amount of Jack in it).
Her 2.5 drinks take a lot longer so you driving was the only real option. For her to think otherwise is irresponsible and dangerous. Better yet, next time talk BEFORE you get to this point. So if you saw her get her second drink, you might’ve said ‘Hey I thought you were driving, does this mean I’m the one driving home now?
If not then you shouldn’t have that.'” Tomatillo603
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I don’t drink by choice, I don’t like the taste but I can drink most people under the table (with no hangover or loss of memory, I realized when I was 23 that I could drink without consequences & decided that was not a good or healthy thing) & make sure they got home safe.
But I would never consider driving with even one drink (on the very rare occasions when I have one social drink). Apart from the (rightly) draconian driving laws here, I could not live with the guilt if I injured someone.” Ireland1169
7. AITJ For Refusing To Cancel My Plans To Drive My Sister Around?
“Earlier today I received a message from my mum asking what I’m doing over the weekend, and said I had plans. My fiancée and I are planning a wedding in the coming months.
Saying I had prior plans, she instantly jumped on the offense saying I should drop all prior plans and drive my sister somewhere because she’s too “busy” to do it herself (she has no job so I assume she’s just too lazy to do so).
Saying I’m a terrible son, and also a horrible older brother to my sister.
For context, my sister has never thanked me in the past for helping her and has never shown any respect.
In all honesty, I could potentially still find an opening to take her but refuse to do so.
AITJ for refusing?”
Another User Comments:
“Prioritize as you plan to go on. If she learns she can get you to drop plans to do her bidding, it will continue. Now is the time to stand firm and let your “busy, no” not waver. I don’t know your relationship with her previously but it isn’t unknown for a mom to try to prove she still has the power to get you to do what she wants over what your spouse-to-be has planned.” kingofgreenapples
Another User Comments:
“Regardless of whether your mom is lazy or not, or busy or not, I fail to see how it is YOUR responsibility to schlep HER kid around town. Is your sister a child, and unable to drive herself? Doesn’t even matter what your plans are -you have plans, they’re YOURS and you get to do them when, where, and how you please.
You’re busy and that’s all mom needs to know. It’s completely legit to be 100% busy doing absolutely nothing – recharging batteries, relaxing and decompressing are all important. Is it nice if you help out the family? Sure! Are you obligated? No. Especially for someone who is so ungrateful that they can’t even thank you.” mumtaz2004
Another User Comments:
“If your family relies on guilt and manipulation to try to control you, the only way to be done with it is to cut them off completely. The people who squawk the loudest about “FAAAAAAAAMILLLLY!” are the ones who try to abuse those ties the most. You have a right to live your own life as you choose.
Your upcoming marriage gives you even more of an excuse to reduce contact. You owe your family absolutely nothing — not time, not money, not even an ear on the phone. If you want to maintain some form of contact, decide what your limits are and maintain them.
For instance, maybe you’re willing to have a phone call once a month. Decide how long you’re willing to talk and state clearly whatever topics are off limits — for instance, the first mention of “You’re such a bad son/brother” gets the immediate response of “Okay, bye”, hang up.
You decide how you will allow yourself to be treated. Stay strong.” CrazyOldBag
6. AITJ For Snapping At My Dad About Unproductive Family Therapy?
“My stepmom Sarah’s kids do not like me or my dad. But they’re more so angry at Sarah because she and their dad aren’t together anymore. The issues are here because Sarah lied about the kind of person their dad actually was for most of their lives, so Sarah’s kids worship him and blame Sarah for the marriage not working.
We all go to family therapy. But the whole thing is a waste of time because Sarah and her kids just point fingers the whole time and aren’t receptive to anything the therapist says. My dad forces me to come too, saying I’m also part of the family.
But I didn’t willingly marry into this mess and I don’t want anything to do with it.
This week, I said I wanted to stay home because I had a lot of homework, including a huge presentation I had to rehearse for. My dad gave me the usual spiel about two hours of therapy a week not getting in the way of anything and it’s to make our family better.
I was stressed about the presentation and snapped at my dad that family therapy is a waste of time, Sarah and her kids just want to point fingers, and I don’t get why I have to be there because I’m 18 and on my way out anyway.
I didn’t marry into this family and don’t want any part in their mess.
My dad originally grounded me and took away my electronics. Luckily, he gave me my electronics back the same night, but then lectured me about how he was disappointed, I could make time to help Sarah and the kids are struggling (you get the whole jazz.) I still think there’s no reason for me to be there, and me snapping at him was deserved. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not your mess to fix. I hope this post helps women in Sarah’s situation. Don’t lie to your kids, don’t try to hide the bad things. If the father or mother is trash, I’m sorry but you have to let them know.
I know everyone wants their kids to have both parents but you don’t owe the other parent a relationship with their kids, it’s not your responsibility. Obviously, you wouldn’t be blunt with them but you do have to tell them the truth in a way that is age appropriate for them.” Common-Ad718
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I remember my son’s senior year in HS very well (he’s only 21 now). He was up to his eyeballs in work. He took 6 APs, 1 Dual Enrollment, 1 standard class, and 1 elective that by his own admission was harder than any of the APs (it was engineering).
Plus he had a job and was receiving Physical Therapy after being rear-ended in a car accident. He had no time for anything else. He was determined to get into the colleges of his choice and was after scholarship $$$ (which he got). You sound busy too and I can’t imagine how this “therapy” would benefit you in any way.
It sounds like Sarah and her daughters have their own issues to work through that have nothing to do with you.” rocksparadox4414
Another User Comments:
“There is only one way to get out of family therapy. Ready? Speak your mind to the therapist. Seriously, lay it all out.
If they try to interrupt you, either talk over them or point out to the therapist that you weren’t done talking. Or email the therapist with your side ahead of time. Once the therapist calls them out on their nonsense, family therapy will become a thing of the past.” MeasurementNovel8907
5. AITJ For Not Feeling A Bond With My Stepsisters And Helping Them For Money?
“My dad got married 6 years ago. His wife’s two daughters were 2 and 3 then. Their bio dad was out of the picture. My mom died 14 months before my dad got married (my parents had a one-night stand and weren’t ever a couple).
So to clarify some things.
I (16m) don’t feel a bond with my stepsisters. I do sometimes spend time with them but that’s more because they want it. I never want to hang out with them and I don’t enjoy it. But I know my dad wants me to be a good “brother” to them.
He encourages me to spend time with them as much as I can and he’ll always call them my sisters and looks disappointed that I only say stepsisters.
But yeah, I don’t really feel any closer to them now than I did 6 years ago. It’s not that I dislike them either though.
I know for them it’s really different because they were so much younger and even if I had any doubt because of that, they call me their brother, like just their brother and each says they have a brother and a sister.
Sometimes my dad or his wife won’t be able to do something for one or both girls (go to the park, walk to a friend’s house, take them to grab something at the store) and I volunteer for it because I always get paid for doing it.
It’s one of the ways everyone is happy. I’m spending more time with the girls which my dad and the girls like. I get something out of it which I like.
My dad only recently figured out that I don’t do it out of love for the girls and to spend more time with them and he’s disappointed in me now that I was volunteering for the wrong reasons.
He said it’s hurtful and it’s going to really hurt them in a couple of years when they realize I don’t reciprocate their love. He said it hurts him to know that 6 years of being siblings has meant nothing to me. He pointed out that they were so little when they became my “sisters” and he doesn’t understand how I don’t feel protective and caring for them by now.
Dad figured it out because he joined in on some of my therapy sessions (yes I have a therapist) and pieced stuff together based on what I was saying.
My dad keeps bringing it up to me and reminding me of how disappointed he is.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Honey, your father doesn’t have a point: he doesn’t even have the shadow of one. It’s perfectly possible not to like your siblings, let alone step-siblings. There are parents who don’t like their children but still care for them. The bottom line is: you can’t force yourself to like someone even if they are family.
You just can’t. Your father doesn’t seem to be able to understand this. What I also don’t understand is why he’s not seeing that, given your relative indifference to your step-siblings, he doesn’t give you credit for still helping them and being nice to them.
You have the maturity and wisdom of not letting your feeling of distance lead to ignoring your step-siblings. What do your step-siblings feel? They could just see your rather distant attitude as you just being you, that’s all. Your father might be making this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be.
Of course he’s disappointed, because something he wanted to see happen, didn’t. But that’s not your fault: you’re just not ‘that into’ your steps. What’s important is that you treat them the right way and you do and that’s all your father can ask you to do.
Sure, it can feel awkward when your dad tells you he’s disappointed in you, but hey, his disappointment doesn’t constitute an obligation on your part.” plantprinses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I’d discuss with your therapist that your father has used what you’ve said in sessions with them against you.
It’s perfectly understandable that an older child would feel different than the younger ones in a blended family. You were 10 when your dad remarried and to be honest I’m not surprised you haven’t bonded much with the girl given they’re 7-8 years younger. You’re not being cruel or ignoring them.
Your dad is just going to have to realize that he can’t force a bond. Just as a note my mom is 10 years older than her brother. She didn’t have much to do with him until they were both adults. Not because she didn’t love him, but no teenager wants to be hanging out with an under-10 all the time.
And by the time he was a teen himself, she was out of the house. So you may find that when everyone is an adult, the relationship changes. Though that won’t happen if your dad keeps trying to force it.” phoenixnettle75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Remind him that even bio siblings tend to need cash to sweeten the deal of helping with much younger children. A lot of teenage boys don’t hang out with their little sisters because just at different stages of life. You don’t have a close bond but you like and respect them enough to be kind to them and make being with you a pleasant experience.
That bond may develop as they get older and more in common. As you say, this is a win-win. And what is the alternative? You don’t have a close bond with much younger siblings so do you withdraw? Also weaponizing therapy against you is not good.
Ask him if he wants honesty or platitudes.” Timely_Egg_6827
4. AITJ For Refusing To Use My Savings To Bail Out My Financially Irresponsible Sibling?
“My sibling recently approached me, asking for help with their financial situation. Apparently, they’ve racked up a ton of debt over the past few years from “emergency” purchases and lifestyle choices. They’ve been struggling to manage it, and now it’s at a breaking point where creditors are contacting them non-stop.
I’ve been careful with my money, working hard and saving for years to build up a bit of a safety net for myself. I’m not rolling in cash, but I’ve got enough set aside to feel secure. When my sibling asked me to help, they weren’t looking for a small loan; they wanted me to clear out nearly all my savings to cover their debts.
They argued that “family should help each other” and implied I was selfish for not wanting to help them get out of this mess.
I tried suggesting other options like talking to a financial advisor or consolidating their debt but they brushed those off, saying they’d take too long and that I was their “only real option.” They even got my parents involved, who are now pressuring me, saying that “family is more important than money” and that I should do this because I’m the “responsible one.”
I feel for my sibling, and I understand they’re in a tough spot. But it doesn’t feel fair to me to sacrifice everything I’ve worked for, especially when I had nothing to do with their financial choices. Now I’m being called heartless and cold by my family, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being selfish for holding onto my savings.
AITJ for refusing to use my savings to bail out my sibling?”
Another User Comments:
“Tell them, “Since I was getting punished for being the ‘responsible’ one. I chose not to be since family bails out others anyway. So I bought a lottery and lost everything.
I would appreciate it if you can give me some funds for next month’s rent.” They are not listening to any other options because they want free funds from you that they never have to pay back. And if you give now, it’s just the beginning & you will become the enabler.
Stop telling them how much you make, spend, or save. Let this be a lesson to keep your finances a secret. Tell them you spent everything and keep it away from them. And start asking them for funds.” waaasupla
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Please do not let your family pressure you into giving away your hard-earned savings.
No! They are wrong. You are not wrong. Period. Consider also that you are pouring money into a bottomless hole here until your sibling learns how to manage their finances and right the ship. They have to do that first, before any bailout and not after.
Your suggestions were the right ones – go consolidate the debt, form a repayment plan, etc.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“So, you sacrifice your savings to rescue them. When a crisis hits you and you now have nothing, who is going to rescue you? First, no one should know what is in your savings.
You were foolish to let your siblings and parents know about your personal finances. Second. Take your savings and put it into a secured government bond. It’s safe, it gives great interest and most importantly, it ties up your money for a year or 2 years or 5 years, whichever you choose.
Third, tell your sibling your money is in an investment bond for 10 years and you cannot access it so will be unable to help them. If they remember in 10 years and ask, you ´rolled it over’. Fourth, write to your parents that holding you responsible for fixing your sibling’s mess and pressuring you to sacrifice your prudent savings to erase the results of their imprudence is unfair and deeply hurtful.
That they are punishing you for the work, sacrifice, and pursuit of stability you put in and seem willing to sacrifice all of that and your future security to patch up your irresponsible sibling’s personal disaster of their own making. Go low contact until they mull it over and produce an apology.
Family values and supports everyone. Family does not sacrifice one member for another. Family does not take, take, take from one person giving nothing in return. And family can be made from people who love and support you without any DNA connection. Choose people who choose you.
NTJ.” Viva_Veracity1906
3. AITJ For Helping My Friend Set A Curfew On His Son's Computer Usage?
“My (55 F) friend (35 M) has a 10-year-old son, who for the past month on the weekends would go beyond his curfew of 9 pm to get off the computer and get ready for bed by 10 pm. He would get off the computer like around midnight but in the middle of the night, my friend would hear his son’s computer turn on around 3 am.
I went over to bring him some boxes as he and his son are moving to a new apartment in a new city in three weeks. While we were sitting down and drinking coffee and shooting the breeze about the joys of moving, thankfully, he had paid vacation time and PTO that he hadn’t used up yet.
He mentioned his son on the weekends staying up past his 9 pm curfew, getting off the computer to get ready for bed and then hearing him get up in the middle of the night to play on the computer.
I made an offhand suggestion about setting a timer for his computer to turn off.
He looked at me like I grew two heads. He asked is that even possible?
I was like yeah, just look on the computer. We had to look up how to put it on, by googling it. He never knew he could set a timer for the computer to turn off.
He even googled if it was possible to set the timer to allow the computer to be turned on, I didn’t even think that was possible, till we found it on Google.
So we got the son’s computer set to turn off at 9 pm and wake up at 6 am.
He was very proud of himself for setting it up. I told him that his son will get used to the boundaries now. Do tell him the consequences of his actions have warranted a new punishment if he doesn’t follow curfew by getting off the computer by 9 pm.
Well, I got a phone call that night from my friend, his son was ticked off about his computer turning off at 9 pm. I could hear his son screaming at him for being a bad father and that he’s going to be reported for this at school.
I told him, the school won’t do anything beyond asking what you did, might want to drop him off and go speak with the principal about this, so whatever your son tries to get you into trouble for, would be canceled out by you talking to the principal and the teacher probably would be sent a message pertaining to him so he cannot get you into any trouble since this happens at the library and at our school computers too.
My friend asked me if we did the right thing by doing this to him. I told him we did the right thing, he has to learn how to make do with the time he has on the computer before it shuts down, like he has to when he goes to the public library on Saturday, as the computers there shut down at 4:45 pm.
His son has been constantly screaming at him for allowing me to destroy his computer time, and it has been constant for the last two weeks. I seriously feel like I am the jerk in this as I tricked his son out of being responsible with his computer time, but his dad asked me for advice and I gave it and his dad did it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Why would you consider yourself the jerk for sharing parenting tips? We parents do that all the time. BTW did you tell your friend what he did on the computer can be done for the TV and other electronic devices? Have you shared with him how to lock down his router and change the password?
That one is the favorite I pull out and share all the time. Your kid doesn’t want to do chores. Cut off the internet.” becoming_maxine
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A 10-year-old should not have unrestricted access to the internet late at night. If your friend caves he is teaching his son that if he screams loud enough and throws a temper tantrum then he can get anything he wants.
Sounds like his dad should take the whole darn computer away and see how much his kid likes it then. If his son wants to have a computer, he needs to understand that it is a privilege, not a right. Screaming and verbally abusing your parent who so graciously provides him with a computer to play on is no way to get what he wants.
He is 10, not 20. He doesn’t get to make the rules unless his dad lets him.” Ok_Existence
Another User Comments:
“Whoa. There is a lot going on here. I vote no jerks here for the computer timer question. HOWEVER, your friend needs to work with his child to understand and abide by boundaries and rules.
Our children will not always be happy with our decisions in the moment, and that doesn’t diminish our responsibility to enforce them anyhow. If this child is getting up to play video games at all hours of the night, then he needs to get off of the computer and get some sleep.
Your friend, as the parent, is responsible for working with him on that. Is this child getting up to do schoolwork? Is he struggling with anxiety? Screaming at one’s parent for weeks on end is not typical behavior. It might be worth getting an assessment done to see if there is more to these behavioral issues.” Mysterious-Froyo-909
2. AITJ For Kicking My Cousin Out Of My Wedding For Not Following The Dress Code?
“I (28F) got married two weeks ago and I’m still getting backlash from what happened so I’m here to see if I really am in the wrong.
My husband and I decided to have a child-free white wedding where the guests are in white. I personally don’t like to wear white because I always feel that no matter what I’m doing, something always manages to get me dirty. So, my dress was not white but blue.
This all started when I decided who would be in my bridal party. I chose two friends from middle school, one from high school, my 16-year-old niece, and my cousin. Since I was having a child-free wedding, I didn’t want anyone under the age of 18 but my whole family knows my niece is my one exception.
When we went to the dress shop to pick out dresses, I informed my bridesmaids they would be in black to match the groomsmen. Everyone was on board with the color, and we found a dress that fit everyone, and the top could be adjusted for comfort.
Everything was going great until my cousin asked why my niece was getting the same dress, so I told her she was a bridesmaid. My cousin said she assumed she was there for a flower girl dress since I’m not inviting anyone under 18 and if I needed another bridesmaid her daughter could do it.
I told my cousin no, and her daughter is a guest. Things got awkward but we were done so we left, and I took my niece out and explained she was a bridesmaid and that wasn’t changing.
Everything was going great after that until bridal dress shopping.
At that point, I had done a lot of research to find a dress style I liked and who had the color I wanted or could get it. I went to the appointment with my bridesmaids, my parents, and my in-laws. Everything was fine but I didn’t like anything I picked until my mom found a dress, I didn’t think I would like but ended up being the one and they could get it in my color.
We were all happy until my cousin said something that made me snap. She said that I should pick a dress that made me look prettier and not as fat. I blacked out and said a bunch of things I shouldn’t have then kicked her out of the bridal party and the wedding.
A few days later my aunt who I love, and respect called to ask for my cousin to be invited as a guest. I did feel guilty about the things I said so I said yes.
Fast forward to the wedding and it was my turn to walk out and the first thing I see out of the corner of my eye is GOLD.
My cousin sat in a middle row on the aisle in a gold strapless dress. I wanted to cry but we continued on and once we were finished, I told my wedding planner to have her kicked out and kept away.
A few think she could have stayed but others think she should have followed the dress code.
My aunt thinks I could have asked her to leave instead of having security throw her out and embarrass her.
AITJ for throwing my cousin out for wearing gold not white?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’m a little confused because I’ve heard of all-white events so I’m not sure why an all-white wedding has so many people up in arms. Many formal events have themes and dress codes this isn’t anything new.
Just say y’all don’t know how to dress and keep it moving. A lot of people seem to be brushing past the fact that your cousin took not getting her way as a time to body shame you during your wedding dress fitting. Why did she think that was okay?
Why did her mom think that was okay and turned around to vouch for her? No wonder you went off after something like that came out. People need to stop thinking they can treat others any kind of way without consequence. It’s not hard to find something white to wear.
You agreed to let her attend even after not receiving an apology or any promises or changed behavior and that’s how she paid you back? She purposefully did not wear white and from the post, she also never apologized for the behavior that caused all of this in the first place.
Ultimately I don’t think she was only kicked out for not wearing white I think this was just another reminder of how you don’t really like how she moves as a person.” Marvelous_Marigolds
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for a number of reasons. 1. You hate white and acknowledge that it gets dirty quickly, you should have asked your cousin what happened to the white dress prior to just kicking her out.
Very likely that she got a stain on it and had to wear another dress, also her wearing something that’s not the color you want made you almost cry on your wedding day while walking down the aisle? Priorities were off. 2. “Blacked out” and said a bunch of things yeah let’s call a spade a spade, you lost your temper and probably made nastier comments back to her in front of everyone.
She didn’t push you to snap this was her first nasty comment and you lost it immediately, both of you are jerks here. 3. You then continued to embarrass her by getting security to throw her out instead of asking her to leave or asking a family member to get her to leave/keep her out of your sight.
Her not following the dress code wouldn’t have gotten her positive reactions or attention you could’ve probably just handled this with a snarky remark to her if you really needed to get it out of your system then actually enjoy your day.” jeszmhna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Good, GOD I do not understand the favorite pastime of passing judgment on tangential information that is not related to the question just because OP comes off as unlikeable. Who cares if OP is a hypocrite about wearing white? That’s not what she’s asking about.
I say NTJ because cousin knew the dress code and INTENTIONALLY violated it out of what can only be assumed is spite. She was in the bridal party so and knew the vision that OP has for her wedding. So I don’t think having her kicked was an issue.” SolicitedOpinionator
1. AITJ For Ignoring My Sister After She Called My Friend Sexist?
“I (16m) had a friend over a couple of days ago to my house. We were playing video games in the living room, and my sister (17f) came in to cook some dinner for herself and us since our parents were out at dinner with their friends.
My friend made a comment when my sister was cooking and he said “women in the kitchen, I absolutely love to see it.” I admit it was a pretty bad joke so I didn’t laugh but my sister was angry and she called my friend a “sexist piece of crap” to his face and ended up just cooking dinner for herself.
She embarrassed me in front of my friend so I’ve decided to ignore her, but our parents know the full story so they think I’m being horrible to my sister and that she did nothing wrong. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why are you confused about this?
Your friend made an obnoxious joke in poor taste and she called him on it because it was exactly what she said it was. Instead of feeling like you were “embarrassed in front of your friend,” you should be a bit more concerned as to why you’re friends with someone who would blurt something like that out at all, much less when the person he was making that joke about was in the process of doing something nice for y’all.” ShadowCoon
Another User Comments:
“Your friend made a sexist comment.. he deserved to be called out for it and instead of defending your sexist friend by staying silent, you should have defended your sister. If you disagree with something, you call it out – if you don’t call out sexist comments, you’re agreeing with them and you’re as bad as they are.
I can’t believe you have the audacity to be angry at your sister for being rightfully upset at the rudeness shown towards her in her own home. Your friend is supposed to be a guest – he should act with respect. YTJ.” singing_stream
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and your parents are right. Instead of being supportive and telling your ‘friend’ that his comment was bang out of order, especially when she was kind enough to begin to make food for you all, your immaturity is showing by giving her the silent treatment.
I imagine both your parents are, at the very least, disappointed in you. You had the chance to show they raised you correctly and show your sister that you are becoming a man that she’d be proud to call her brother, and you messed up.
Badly.” Formal-Aardvark-3862
