People Want To Clarify Their Actions In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
22. AITJ For Going To Disney Without My Daughter's Friend?
“My daughter’s friend Ashleigh (9F) lives with me. It’s been a difficult battle. To keep it simple her relationship with her parents was very bad so I slowly gained parental responsibility, but it’s been a long & slow battle!
I planned a holiday to Disney before beginning this whole process with Ashleigh, once it started to get nearer I decided no big deal I’d add Ashleigh to the booking, but problem no passport.
I spoke to our social worker, my solicitor, and the court and they all told me that I couldn’t apply for a passport whilst going through the court process, but the social worker said I could with her parent’s permission.
At first, her parents said no, but Ashleigh kept asking until eventually they said yes, but then they kept not actually applying for it but telling me they had.
Time was creeping up on me and I realized I’d have to cancel which I really didn’t want to do because my daughter has had a rubbish year and I promised her this trip and she’s been SO excited. Or potentially go without Ashleigh.
Just as I was considering canceling the holiday I got PR. I applied for her passport and a week before the holiday it was rejected! Something had gone wrong and they weren’t up to date with my PR.
I spoke with my partner for hours and we decided we would still go on the holiday.
I arranged for Ashleigh to stay with my family and I promised that next year or maybe at the end of summer we’d go on a big holiday all together.
So I’m here at Disney and I feel like a massive jerk for coming without Ashleigh, some people have told me they’d have done the same and others have said I should have canceled. I’m torn.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Put the blame where it belongs: Ashleigh’s trashy parents who couldn’t be bothered to help her make a smooth transition into your family. You did the right thing by following thru on your promise to take your daughter to Disneyland.
Don’t ruin it by feeling guilty about circumstances that were beyond your control. Thank you for your kind heart and actions in taking Ashleigh in. Wishing you all the best.” BeyondMarina
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You did everything you could but things didn’t work out for Ashleigh.
It sucks but you have nothing to feel guilty about.
The alternative – canceling the trip – would have been worse. Your daughter would have been heartbroken.
You arranged suitable care for Ashleigh so you’re gold. Enjoy Disney and I’m sure she’ll get a chance to holiday with you in the future.” MasterKilvin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You literally moved heaven and earth to make it happen, but it just didn’t work out. You’re walking a slippery slope here. You’re trying to bring in a girl and make her feel welcome and loved, but you need your bio daughter to know that she is loved and not going to be pushed aside.
I think if you had canceled the vacation, it might have led to resentment towards Ashleigh from your bio daughter. I think all things considered you made the best of a bad situation, and you shouldn’t feel guilty. You’re doing a wonderful thing for Ashleigh.” rodimus147
21. AITJ For Still Being Connected To My Ex?
“I (M 39) and my ex broke up quite a few years ago and we have a wonderful daughter (14) who lives with her mum and stepdad. We get on amicably – no hostility, no bad atmosphere, etc and I get time with my daughter when she comes around to stay at mine with me and my partner.
My partner, whilst she is fully aware and understands my situation with my ex and daughter, why we stayed in touch when we first got together, found it difficult and strange that I was still involved (ie communicating) with my ex.
My point of view is that we have a daughter together and for the sake of her upbringing it’s best both parents are involved and at least can be in the same room to discuss matters (my parents divorced when I was ~10 and they cannot stand each other which is what I don’t necessarily want my daughter to go through the same experience as me).
My partner accepts this point of view after seeing how I interact with my ex putting to rest her doubt there might have still been a spark between us. That flame is long gone, not even napalm can reignite that spark…
So, there have been situations in the past where my ex has messaged and asked if I can collect my daughter or take her to an appointment, etc because for whatever reason she can’t. If I don’t have any plans or if I’m available I would take her up on that offer but this is what irritates my partner.
Her point of view is why am I helping out their household? It should be either my ex or her husband that should sort it rather than relying/reaching out to me seeing as it’s their bad planning and it should be my ex’s responsibility since my daughter lives with them (note – this might happen once every month or so, not a regular occurrence like it’s happening every week).
My point of view is that I am helping my daughter and considering I’m available I don’t see why I shouldn’t because if I don’t then my daughter misses out on classes, events, appointments, etc plus I get to spend time with my daughter.
Two examples – my daughter had a music class in the afternoon and I was asked if I could take her. I was free so I said yes. On the day, when asked what my plans are I said I’m picking my daughter up to take her to a music class because my ex was unavailable.
My partner got irate and ranted about why am I doing that as that was their problem.
Another example was I was asked if I could take my daughter to an appointment.
I’m trying to understand my partner’s point of view if I’m being too involved in my ex’s household whereas I see it as part of my parental duty, but I’m not sure if there needs to be clearer boundaries with my ex in those responsibilities regarding our daughter?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You’re co-parenting in a healthy, mature manner. To say that you’re ‘helping their household’ is ridiculous, she’s your daughter and you’re playing a parental role which includes things like picking your kids up.
What you’re doing is amazing because it means that she will get to have loving relationships with both parents without the trauma of trying to be their mediator because they ‘can’t stand each other.’ You seem like a great guy, but your partner needs some perspective.
You’re being a responsible parent and they are being unreasonable. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s the right thing to do!” Best-Razzmatazz5806
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you’re co-parenting healthily.
But you’re getting slapped in the face with a bunch of red flags with your partner.
Not only have you been demonstrating a positive parenting relationship with your ex to your partner for the duration of your relationship with your partner – but your partner hasn’t taken this opportunity to learn about this way of learning (for example if she knew only different parenting relationships, she’s had time to learn what a positive one looks like.).
And most seriously your partner is insisting you do things to spite your ex and disadvantage your daughter. She’s demanding that you act in a way that would cause issues, this is significant! You need to look at this and decide whether this is a deal breaker for you.
Don’t have kids with her! You can see what kind of co-parent she would be if your long-term relationship doesn’t work out.” FriendlyMum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ except for how you word this to your partner. You aren’t ‘helping’ your ex.
You are being a parent. Taking a child to appointments etc is part of parenting. You obviously understand this but they do not. And honestly, if your partner can’t understand this is how someone is a parent either her parents were MIA or she’s just very insecure.
Either way, next time say hey I’m taking kiddo here or there. End of discussion. You’re not helping your ex, you are helping your child and spending time with them. If your partner continues to be angry about this, then they don’t need to be in your life.” CrazylilThing02
20. AITJ For Not Letting My Mother-In-Law Visit My Daughter Yet?
“My (32f) daughter (4) was hospitalized 2 weeks ago for 2 weeks due to having over 60 seizures a day. They stopped counting at 60, and she stopped talking and wasn’t able to walk for a while it was a hard 2 weeks for us.
On Monday she was hospitalized again due to having a balance issue, tremors, and a weak left side. They did an MRI & MRA of her brain and spine. My daughter has sickle cell disease and epilepsy. It was her birthday on Thursday she turned 5, and we got out of the hospital last night.
My mother-in-law wants to come over to see my daughter to give her a birthday gift, as well as just spend time with her. We are exhausted, emotionally, and physically, It’s just too much. Our house is a mess and I don’t have the energy to clean it for her to come over, so I told her just give us a couple of days for things to get back to normal then you can come.
She got upset saying we’re keeping her grandchild from her, started crying saying she will never come over, and is making me feel guilty. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, 1000%. You’ve all been through an insanely difficult ordeal and the absolute last thing you need is to feel pressured to tidy up and look presentable for your MIL.
You have every right to say your need a few days to recover properly. You’re not saying she can never see her granddaughter again, you’re asking for some time to recharge after a difficult hospital stay.” BoundPrincess84
Another User Comments:
“I get the feeling that she isn’t the type to come over with multiple meals for the freezer, with her rubber gloves ready to scrub and clean and wash and fold and help. If she was, she might have got a ‘yes’ not ‘later’.
An adult woman with adult children throwing a tantrum to guilt you into changing your behavior is just plain embarrassing.
She sounds like the sort who expects to be doted on and cared for and treated as a VIP guest, instead of a family member mucking in to help.
NTJ” daisydukes1979
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not saying don’t come over ever, you’re saying not right now. All of you are exhausted and need to unwind, need a few days of relaxing with your kiddo.
If she doesn’t understand that you need a week at the most to come to your newest normal (loving a child with medical conditions is extremely draining especially when you are in charge of that child) maybe grandma needs to take a step away for a while.
Your kid has lifelong conditions that will not go away and grandma can’t throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get her way.” UnhingedPterodactyl1
19. WIBTJ If I Don't Come To My Parents' Vow Renewal?
“I’m bi and my parents are devout Christians.
I’ve never told them about a relationship in the past (guy or girl) because they always seem against me seeing someone in general. Because of this, I was pretty private with my life, in general, growing up. They noticed this from time to time and asked me to be more open and talk to them.
This last Oct/Nov they said I was so secretive they felt like they didn’t know me and wanted to build a better relationship.
I never wanted to have a ‘coming out’ or anything like that because for me that’s just not who I am.
I just want to live my life with who I want. So I figured once I got into a serious with someone I would tell them then. I did let it slip maybe 7 yrs ago that I was going out with a guy in conversation and it wasn’t a great reaction they strongly suggested it was ‘a phase’.
Over the years though they seemed to grow and become more understanding so I thought when I was ready it would be better.
So on to the dilemma. I (28M) have been with my partner ‘Griffin’ (27m) for 9 months. We are long distance so we fly back and forth to stay with each other every month.
Because of this we’ve gotten pretty serious, and have met each other’s coworkers, friends, bosses, etc. He also told his parents about me. He is for sure my forever person.
Now my mom (55F) and my dad’s (57m) vow renewal (basically like a second wedding for already married people) is next week.
I asked to talk to them both in person as they are supposed to come over the first day but said they were busy and were going to come the next day. The next day comes and they push it off again for another day.
Wednesday comes but only my Dad showed up. I was a bit annoyed by this but I just wanted to get it over with.
So I told my dad about Griffin and he said ‘I’m not going to disown you, you’re my son and I love you but this is against my beliefs and I don’t approve of it.
I don’t want to meet him or know anything about him ever’. I felt pretty defeated so I just said ok and left the room. He then left and my mom called. She said she was busy with planning so she couldn’t make it over but my Dad told her and she wanted to meet him to know who I was seeing but did not want him to stay at the house when he visits again (I rent one of my parents properties they don’t live there it’s just me and my dog ‘Bubble’).
She also refused to call him my partner and referred to him as a friend. And said I’d have to answer to God for my sin.
So now I’m torn. I know their vow renewal is a big deal and I am supposed to walk my mom down the aisle all of our family and extended family will be there but considering their reaction and lack of support in my relationship, I don’t feel like I should support theirs.
What do you think? Should I go?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ BUT…
I don’t know. Do you support your parents’ continued marriage? This ceremony is really about them, not you. So you can walk her down the aisle and play nice for a bit.
You can leave the reception early. You have a friend waiting!
If you don’t go at all, you better plan on finding other housing arrangements, Pronto! Because you will be the topic of conversation during the whole shindig, whereas if you leave early, your parents can shrug their shoulders and say ‘he had a work commitment’ or whatever.
After the ceremony, you can certainly decide to go no contact. And I would look for another place to live since they are trying to dictate who you can and cannot invite into your place of residence. But if you show up and play along, you’ll be able to look at a more leisurely rate.
If you just don’t show up, you and Bubble will be twisting in the wind, and believe me, it’s quite hard to find a rental that allows dogs in this market.
If, since you are bi, you eventually marry a woman, don’t invite these people.
If you marry this guy, definitely invite them, but don’t expect them to come. Don’t let them meet your grandchildren. They just don’t need to pick and choose what parts of your life they’d like to celebrate. Good luck!” onecrazywriter
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They just showed their true colors. That their religion is more important than their own child, and despite saying they won’t disown you, they’re trying to disown major things about you. They’re making it your job to make THEM comfortable about your life instead of accepting you.
So if you don’t feel comfortable being around them, don’t. Plus, I’m guessing the renewal is a religious event. So it’s understandable not wanting to be there. But at least tell them if you’re not going to attend (if you’re comfortable).
This doesn’t mean you have to cut them out or never revisit the conversation. But because this is still so fresh and hurts, it’s ok to need space right now.” ExRiverFish4557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think you need to have a conversation with your parents about what it means that they cannot accept your partner, and more importantly, that they can’t accept you as you are.
Be clear with them about the way you expect to be treated – and it is more than reasonable to expect your parents to be supportive of your relationship – then tell them it’s up to them to do so.
If they will not, then you will keep your distance, including not being part of the vow renewal. You may need to consider how this will impact your housing situation, given that you are currently their tenant and they have already attempted to tell you whom you can and cannot have at the place you pay to stay.
I’m so sorry that your parents have reacted this way. You deserve their acceptance and support, and the fact that they have not given that to you – for years because you’ve been hiding an important part of yourself for a long time knowing they would not be accepting – demonstrates something deeply wrong with them.
Good luck to you moving forward.” lamaisondesgaufres
18. AITJ For Being Mad At My Roommate For Letting Her Guests Come Into My Room?
“I went out of town this weekend, my roommate had her mom, her mom’s friend, & her brother over. They slept on the couch while I was there, I left for a day and locked my room like I always do because I don’t want anyone in MY room.
I come back home and walk into my room and realize it’s unlocked. I ask her why it’s unlocked and she says her mom’s friend slept in my bed. I feel disrespected, obviously, if I lock my room I clearly don’t want anyone in it, AND she didn’t even bother to ask.
Or tell me.
My roommate flipped out on me and said I should’ve offered. First of all, I pay rent to have my own personal space, and I don’t want other people in my room or on my bed when I’m not home & second of all her mom has disrespected me in the past so I’m not too fond of her but I am still nice but not enough to let her sleep in my bed. If they want a bed they should get a hotel right?
Am I overreacting or am I actually the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Definitely NTJ
The roommate is completely in the wrong. Each of you pays for the use of one private room and all of the common rooms. She doesn’t pay to have access to your room for her guests.
What she did was a blatant invasion of privacy and borderline break-and-enter, due to the door being locked and them removing/opening the lock without permission. The adults should have known better. Make sure yours is the only key to the lock from now on.” lokiismycopilot
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A locked door excludes entry by anyone but yourself. Why give anyone a key? Even if you said the key was for emergencies only, there should have been no expectation on your part that the qualification would ever be respected. Roomie most likely would feel entitled to breach your trust if she felt the need. In fact, that’s what happened. And she tried to blame you for her transgression.
Maybe you should consider finding a new roomie.” harleybidness
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I would be incredibly disturbed to find out a stranger had been in my room, sleeping in my bed, and who knows what else, without my knowledge while I was away.
Your roommate is way out of line to invade the personal space that you pay for, especially without telling you. It also seems like she probably intended to never tell you, and was hoping you wouldn’t find out.
Can you contact your landlord and discuss installing a new, keyed lock for your door?
Explain the issue, offer to buy/install the lock yourself and replace it with the original when your lease is up.
Also, definitely get some sort of safe/lockbox for your valuables. Your roommate obviously does not care about you or your stuff, and you don’t know if the next people she has over and lets in your room may be inclined to nick things.” MostAtHomeInADungeon
17. AITJ For Refusing To Give My Friend A European Vacation?
“Me and my friend, Jane, have been planning a trip to Europe for months. we both agreed to split the costs of everything evenly, including flights, accommodations, and activities.
However, a couple of weeks before the trip, Jane tells me that she’s been having some financial difficulties and won’t be able to afford her share of the costs.
She asks if I can cover her expenses and promises to pay me back as soon as possible.
I’m hesitant to agree to this, as I’ve also been saving up for the trip and don’t want to be stuck with all of the costs.
I tell Jane that I’m sorry, but I can’t afford to cover her expenses.
Jane gets upset and accuses me of being selfish and not being a good friend. She says that if I were a true friend, I would be willing to help her out in her time of need.
I feel guilty and don’t want to ruin my friendship, but I also don’t want to put myself in a tough financial situation. I’m now wondering if I was being selfish by not agreeing to cover Jane’s expenses.
So, AITJ for not covering my friend’s expenses for our trip to Europe even though she’s having financial difficulties?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She knew what the trip cost and didn’t make any attempt to meet that amount. Now she’s asking you to front the expenses. If you do you’ll never get paid back. She might make small payments but in the end, you’ll ask her for the repayment, she’ll throw a fit that you care more about funds than her, and she’ll use that as the reason she can no longer be your friend.” SnooBunnies7461
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This is not a ‘time of NEED’ for her… if she thinks this she is sadly mistaken and does not understand what ‘NEED’ is. A European vacation is a luxury, NOT a ‘need’.
I’m still just amazed she used it in her ‘time of need’.
Ridiculous! Her time of need if she has no funds for food, or she’s short on rent and is going to be homeless. NOT a vacation.
You will be the ‘bad guy’ and this (one-sided) friendship may end no matter what you do.
If you don’t give her the funds- and even if you do. Because the chances of her actually paying you back are slim at best. She wants to go but didn’t save or budget for it. When you get back she won’t ever have ‘enough’ funds to be able to pay you back – then will guilt you every time you ask if she’s going to pay you, then she eventually cut you off or you will get sick of her being a mooch.
Think back on your friendship – I don’t know how long you’ve been friends, but how many times have you picked up the check, brought stuff to share and she never reciprocates? I’m betting she’s been a ‘taker’ for a long time.
If you do give her the funds, make sure you can afford to lose it, and if you REALLY want her to go and you’re willing to pay for her then I would make a loan agreement document so you have the amount and details in writing – and if possible get something of value from her as collateral in addition to the loan document.
You’re going to be mad during the trip when she will miraculously have enough for items she wants to buy or for things she wants to do. But will expect you to cover the hotel, food, tips, etc.
I strongly suggest you NOT give her anything.” 1moreKnife2theheart
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Travel isn’t a need. It’s a want. It’s something you save up for before you go. If she couldn’t put funds aside for it during the planning process then why should you believe that she will be willing or able to put funds aside to pay you back when there is nothing to lose but your friendship?
If she is having genuine financial difficulties then staying home and sorting those out are the best option for her.
I hope you are still able to go on the trip alone. Go have fun meet new people and don’t worry about Jane.
Her lack of savings isn’t your problem to solve.” RMaua
16. AITJ For Selling My Daughter's Car Without Telling Her?
“I (56M) have a son (28M) and a daughter (22F). I like both of my kids equally however they are different individuals with different lives so I help them based on their needs.
My son did not do well in high school and went to a community college and decided it was not for him after a semester and went to trade schools and eventually settled on HVAC.
He had issues sticking to things, so as a reward when he became certified in HVAC, I bought him a brand new truck as a gift.
My daughter got into a good college out of state and was always more academically minded. When she was about to finish HS it came as a surprise to me that she had taken it for granted that I would also get her a new car even though I never said that.
I explained that there would be no need for a college girl in a big city to have a car. She then asked if I could help with tuition, I did not pay for trade school either so I declined. Eventually, she seemed down so I offered to buy a used car in my name, and she could use it for a while until I decided to sell it but she would have to maintain it.
She seemed really happy with that so we got an old 99 BMW for really cheap. The body was in good condition, but the engine and transmission needed work and it needed painting.
She did the essential fixes first but then slowly did unnecessary ones even though I never asked for that and repainted most of the car and had the interior detailed.
When she came back for a visit this week after finishing her finals, I decided it was time to sell the car and listed it. She seems upset with me even though we had agreed to it and I never asked her to repaint the car.
She said she thought I was going to sell it much later when it rusted or something. She also says I can sell it more expensive because of her fixes but the reality is I got the car just before 2020 and used cars cost a lot more since and that is why I can sell it for more.
I offered to pay her back for half of the paintwork.
AITJ here?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You bought a car for cheap because it needed an engine and transmission work. (Which is rarely cheap repairs.) You had her pay for these repairs and are considering it ‘maintenance’.
(Dude, knowingly buying a vehicle that needs engine and transmission work does not maintenance.) She then did additional work on the car and repainted it. You consider this appropriate because you didn’t make her pay you to use the car!
You got your daughter to pay for flipping the car. You’re screwed if she picks out your nursing home.” CemeteryDweller7719
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Tell me you have a favorite child without telling me you have a favorite. You are a horrible father to your daughter.
You are stealing from her in the form of improvements she made to the car. If you were a decent man you would give her some of the funds you make when you sell the car. If you were a good father you would buy her a brand-new car just like you did for her brother.
Pretty soon you will be posting about your estranged daughter and can’t figure out why she is in no contact with you.” murphy2345678
Another User Comments:
“So she’s finished school without any help from you and before she has time to turn around you yank the car away from her.
Unless you are in dire financial straits and need the funds to avoid foreclosure or for major surgery you are definitely the jerk. If you were any kind of decent parent you would give her the car as a graduation gift or at least let her keep it until she can get a job and a car of her own.
But being a good parent seems to be the farthest thing from your mind.” Crazy_Life61
15. AITJ For Not Wanting To Hide Our Disney Stuff?
“My (35F) husband (38M) and I are what you would call ‘Disney adults’. We used to work for the parks in college and met there. For us, it has sentimental value as well as being something we both loved from childhood.
Now, we are conscious of not being those Disney adults. We can hold conversations outside the movies and parks. We both work well-paying jobs unrelated to the company. We have other hobbies and interests. Our son isn’t big on Disney and we’re cool with that.
It is just something that we enjoy, as well as our daughters. We nurture all of our children’s hobbies and interests. We also don’t blow all our funds on this stuff. I know I may sound overly defensive, but we get a lot of comments from people who don’t know us well.
Anyway, we live in a renovated farmhouse on a bit of land that includes a barn that we finished off, with hopes to make it a guest house one day. In the meanwhile, we’ve had a relative get married here and it was gorgeous.
Now my sister (28F) wants to get married on our property and we were all for it. Everything’s been planned for months and the wedding is in June. It’s set to be outside completely but if it rains, we can move the party into the barn.
The only reason a guest would have to go into our house is to use the bathroom. We have 2 on the first floor. The only Disney items are Winnie the Pooh hand towels. I told my sister I’d replace them with regular ones.
The wedding space has no Disney items.
However, she wants me to take down everything Disney on the first floor of my home, as guests will see. We have a lot of Disney items, pictures, paintings, blankets, funko pops, decorations, figurines, dishware, etc, all made for adults and a lot of it is subtle or vintage, but you can still tell it’s Disney.
One, this would be a massive undertaking. It’s not as simple as shoving stuff in a closet. We’d have to pack it up and find a place to store it. The sheer amount would require at least 2 hours of packing.
Not to mention storage and unpacking after. Two, it’s ridiculous to me. Who cares if people see?
She says it looks tacky and she doesn’t want people to remember her wedding for that. I told her no. We’re decorating the outside and barn as she wants.
We’re letting her use our property for free, which she keeps bragging about to friends as it’s saving them a ton.
When my husband and I stood firm, she whined to our parents who told us to grow up and take it down.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She is making unreasonable demands on your home. Who cares if you decorated your home with Disney, dinosaurs, or duckies? It’s your home. You’re already doing her a HUGE favor by letting her use the barn and property for free.
She’s being a choosing beggar right now. If the Disney decorations are that much of a bother to her, then maybe she should find a new location (though I’m sure she wouldn’t want that because other venues won’t be free or so accommodating to her demands).” CrimsonKnight_004
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – taking away the Disney aspect of it all, they want you to change your home in a significant way to accommodate guests to fit their wedding aesthetic. If they care to that extent, they may want to rent a few porta potties (you can get nice ones for weddings) and that way there’s less wear and tear on your home, they can maintain the ~magic~ of their wedding day, and everyone wins.
This is especially fair as you are not only giving her your property to use but giving away free labor to set up and decorate the space.” goodstorytellitagain
Another User Comments:
“Your sister is allowed to use your property for free for her wedding.
You are receiving the guests outside or in the barn. The toilets are in your HOME. It is completely ridiculous that she’s expecting you to basically change your home and the decorations in your home.
It doesn’t even matter it’s Disney.
You could tell me it’s cat decoration like Umbridge from Harry Potter, I don’t care, it’s your HOME. The fact that she even feels comfortable enough to ask shows how entitled she is. NTJ.” Lorelaigilmoredanes
14. AITJ For Banning My Roommate's Sister After She Made A Scene At My Birthday Party?
“I (22f) moved out at the start of the school year into an apartment with my classmate, Lee (21f).
We get along pretty well and are on the same page about most things but the one topic of disagreement we have is her sister, Jen (18f), who frequently appears in our apartment. I would like to note; I have absolutely no issues with any other of Lee’s guests.
Only her sister.
On multiple occasions, I have come home from work to find Jen alone in the apartment and my belongings messed with in some way. I’ve mentioned this to Lee a few times and she usually brushes it off.
Another huge point against Jen is that I am openly gay and she’s weirdly aggressive about supporting me to the point it gets really uncomfortable. Every time I’ve asked her to stop she gets super offended and ramps up the ‘support’ to a new extreme.
The tipping point that made me request that she be banned is as follows: My birthday was earlier this month. I had a small party with Lee and some friends to celebrate. Jen then shows up and starts loudly complaining about how she wasn’t invited. I then inform her that only my close friends were invited and asked her to leave since we were drinking and she was still underage.
Lee convinced me that it was okay to let her stay but the vibes were definitely off after that. Further into the night, a big fight broke out between Jen and my friends that ended with multiple people upset and most of the party leaving.
Lee and I had been avoiding talking about the situation until this week when I was told that I owe Jen an apology. I said that I would not be giving one considering that she showed up unannounced and then ruined the party.
Lee defended her, saying that she just wanted to have fun. I said that if her idea of fun is making people uncomfortable then I’d prefer if she stays out of the apartment. We went back and forth a bit and I finally gave the options of either banning Jen from the apartment or one of us moving out.
Lee didn’t take this super well and has barely talked to me since.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You deserve to feel safe and comfortable, especially in your own house. Things shouldn’t have escalated to this extent since you clearly voiced your discomfort.
Your roommate is wrong for playing it down and putting some blame on you. I don’t see how they fail to understand your perspective.” The_Anonymous0ne
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Jen is an insane person, but that doesn’t mean she’s a mind reader.
I think an apology is warranted, given that you chose to blow up when instead, you could’ve been more upfront earlier and possibly salvaged a friendship with someone who clearly cares for you.” CharacterRazzmatazz3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Living with housemates is tough, and can be a balancing act.
At the end of the day though, if one person wants to invite guests over, who make the other people who live there uncomfortable because of bad behavior, then that guest should not be allowed over. So if Jen behaves badly, and makes you uncomfortable you are well within your rights to put some boundaries in place.
If guests behave badly, that is also the responsibility of the person hosting them. So if Jen creates problems, it is Lee’s responsibility to pull her in line.
Your ultimatum is valid, but I think realistically you are going to have to be the one to leave.
If Lee is refusing to admit that Jen was out of line, she is unlikely to volunteer to move out. And she definitely won’t ban her sister from coming over.” floppybunny86
13. AITJ For Going Off At My Sister's Mooching Significant Other?
“My best friend (F), stepsister, and I have all lived together for a year.
Things are great, we all do our part, the only issue is step-sister’s SO, Sam.
My best friend and I aren’t the biggest fan of him. He’s arrogant, petty, and SUPER entitled. She and I are very relaxed people, so we’re cordial with him and get along for the most part.
A few (of MANY) examples of his crap: If I leave for more than 5 mins he moves his car into my spot. 2. He will happily move my kitchen, bathroom, etc stuff as he pleases. 3. Helps himself to everything we own, including food.
4. If we have a different opinion on anything he will explain every reason why I’m wrong.
I’ve asked nicely a few times for some of this to change. It hasn’t, so I just ignore it most of the time.
The issue at hand: I just experienced the most excruciating period of my life. I had to stay home from work because of how bad it was and I only left my room for the necessities. I woke up in the middle of the night with intense cramps, so I took a bath.
Accidentally left my undergarments which had a stain on them (the girls don’t have an issue with this). However, Sam had the biggest jerk fit over it. First of all, sometimes he comes over very late and I genuinely didn’t know he was there.
Second, it’s partly my house.
Anyways, when I woke up the next morning he didn’t hesitate to lecture me on how disgusting it was, how can I live like that, I’m inconsiderate, etc. What got me was the ‘I technically live here’ comment.
Where I might be the jerk: I lost it. ‘Technically, you DON’T live here. You are a scummy little freeloader who has absolutely no respect for others. If my period undergarments make you uncomfortable, I’ll make sure to hide a pair in absolutely everything you touch.
Screw you’ something of the sort.
My step-sister took his side, which annoyed me because I know she did it to avoid arguing with him. So I followed with ‘You come into my room once a week to talk about how he’s a piece of work, I don’t want to hear it from you’ and I went to my room.
They’ve been at his parents’ house for 2 days (when this happened), and I haven’t responded to the mass messages telling me if I want to broadcast my period I should live on my own.
I only slightly feel like a jerk because I was raised better than to talk to others like that.
But on the other hand, I’m a good roommate. I’m clean, I provide the most for the house (not a jab at the girls, just Sam, who contributes NOTHING), and it’s over some period undergarments. My best friend agrees, but my step-sister and Sam won’t let up.
My parents think I should just apologize to keep the peace. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ!
Perhaps you used language that you regret, but your message was 100% appropriate. If you truly feel bad about what you said to your step-sister, then apologize to her, but you have NOTHING to apologize for to MoocherGuy.
If he isn’t on the lease or contributes to the bills and rent, he is an unwelcome guest who has no right to berate you in your own home.
And if your periods are getting worse, culminating in the nightmare of pain and discomfort you just experienced, please go have a checkup.
Low-dose birth control as well as some super common herbs can help. Good luck, little sister! Don’t let MoocherGuy push you around!” SuzyVeeP
Another User Comments:
“God bless you. NTJ. You stood up for yourself. Parents always want to keep the peace but he doesn’t basically live there, if he does your step-sister needs to tell him he needs to start paying or contributing something.
In fact, your sister should have had him contributing as soon as he spent so much time there and repeatedly touched, ate, and moved things. You again are NTJ.
He needed someone to finally yell at him and tell him how he’s behaving in another person’s home is not okay.
He has absolutely NO RIGHTS to lecture you on how you live and call you inconsiderate because he’s there all the time. The only person I would talk to would be your sister. I would say ‘For starters, I’m not sorry, if you care about and love him that is your choice but I stand by my point that at the worst period of my life, I didn’t need him lecturing me and telling me I should be considerate to him in our home.
However, I feel bad for yelling at you. Instead of immediately taking his side on him being mad at me for leaving undergarments in the bathroom after a bath you should have told us to calm down and said you understood the pain I was in.
So yeah when you immediately just agreed with him that he lives there and I’m gross, I drag you down too.’
She lives there but this is a wake-up call that things should change. Like to overnight or daily visitor rules.” CandleMagnum
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Like you told him, he doesn’t live there. You & your best friend need a sit down with step-sis & explain to her that he doesn’t live there & doesn’t get a say.
If he doesn’t start respecting y’all & your space then he won’t be allowed over. Yes, she does have a day since she’s on the lease. However, she doesn’t get a say in your parking spot.
She doesn’t get a say in him touching your belongings. Things of that nature. Tell her that y’all will not be renewing a lease with her if she doesn’t stop allowing the disrespect and follow through on it.” Pixiedust027
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Sister At My Graduation Party?
“I’m graduating from college in about a month, which is obviously a huge deal to me and my family, and as a result, my parents are throwing me a sizable party with most of my extended family attending.
The problem is that they are planning to invite my sister whom I haven’t talked to in over 3 years. I’m not going to hide the fact that I really do hate my sister for a variety of reasons.
She and I have always had an up-and-down relationship but it really hit an all-time low three years ago and we haven’t talked since unless it’s us screaming at each other and saying the worst things we can possibly think of.
My parents are planning to invite her and when I obviously said I have a problem with her being there, they said she’s gonna be there or they’re gonna cancel it. I said go ahead and cancel because if she’s there I’m going to tell her to leave even if it ruins the party.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sounds like it’s time to make plans for a different party at a different location, and maybe don’t invite your parents. I know that may sound harsh, but it’s YOUR graduation. They have no right to force any guest onto your invite list, especially someone with whom you have a known contentious relationship, regardless of the fact that it might be a family member.
Toxic is toxic, and no one is required to entertain it.” ApocolypseJoe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, please tell your parents working through an estrangement is tough and a graduation party is NOT the place to do it. Since they’re insisting thank them for the thought but please cancel it.
Have dinner with your friends and have a good time. It’s a shame your parents are ruining what should be a big day in your life but you can’t control the behavior of others. And if they promise not to invite your sister don’t believe it, that will most likely be your Big Surprise.” Ok_Homework8692
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a party in your honor. Inviting someone you most definitely do not want to see is simply rude. Look, I understand your parents are probably quite upset by the estrangement between their kids. But a party is NOT the place to try and effect a reconciliation.
Particularly as you apparently are not interested in doing so. You have told them that you would rather them cancel the party than have her attend. If they go ahead with it, she attends and the bad b***d between you breaks into open conflict, well your parents have no one but themselves to blame.
Stick to your guns and congratulations on your graduation.” VariousTry4624
11. AITJ For Telling My Partner Not To Come Back To The Apartment?
“I (33f) am currently house-training my puppy. He is great about holding & sleeping through the night as long as it is a calm environment.
My partner stays over every weekend. He knows my schedule and how I have been operating.
Last Saturday my partner (37m) wanted to go downtown to hang out with his friends at a rooftop bar. I decided to stay home.
He asked if he should come back to sleep over or not and I said he could as long as he doesn’t come home super late. He said he wouldn’t be long and would be back by 8 pm. He left at around noon and left his backpack here since he would be returning.
I didn’t hear from him all day, until about 7 pm when my partner said he was leaving soon. Then for the next three hours, my partner kept saying he would be leaving soon or ‘getting ready to leave’. He would lie and say he was walking to the train but then 45 minutes later when he still wasn’t here I messaged to see where he was he said they were still hanging out.
This behavior was triggering for reasons I won’t get into based on past incidents and I felt like he was wasting my time.
At 10 pm I was really aggravated and felt awful waiting around. Also, I did not want my puppy to wake up and get excited/confused + potentially have an accident when my partner strolled in at god knows what time, and then I would have to take him out.
We are in a night routine that has been working for us and I don’t want to mess with it. So when my partner said yet again ‘Getting on the train soon’, I texted back and said don’t come back here, go home, I am going to sleep.
My partner friend did not reply.
The next day he came to get his bag and left without barely saying a word. Afterward, he texted me saying I left him stranded and just ripped me to shreds. Since then I haven’t heard from him, it’s been a week and I am getting the silent treatment.
After thinking about it I realized he must have left his house keys in his backpack. How was I to know? I wish he had just told me that instead of immediately turning silent on Saturday night when I told him not to come back here.
I would have left his bag outside my door if he needed his keys. So the lack of communication and immediately turning sullen I don’t get.
AITJ? I kind of feel like a witch based on my partner’s treatment of me right now so maybe I was being unnecessarily harsh and unreasonable.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He was lying to you repeatedly for hours.
He also could have used his big manly words and said ‘I left my house keys in my backpack’ and worked out a compromise so he ‘wouldn’t be stranded’.
My guess is he did something to feel guilty about, in addition to lying to you multiple times so he thought you were going to call him out, so he went offensive using his rage as a deterrent from you asking what was going on the prior night.
Maybe I’m wrong, but for sure he was not a contrite apologetic man saying he is sorry, hope you will forgive him for not sticking to what he said & he would like to make it up to you. These are all things he should’ve been doing.
I don’t know what his deal is but you deserve better. It is better to be alone than to be with someone who treats you badly & takes you for granted.” Gladtobealive2020
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
He is a 37-year-old toddler who lied multiple times about what time he would be home.
He ripped you to shreds because he doesn’t respect that you set a boundary after he messed around multiple times.
Did he even acknowledge the fact that he lied about leaving multiple times? No?
Grown-up adults don’t give silent treatment.
Move on. You deserve someone who is respectful of your boundaries and doesn’t lie.” Fair-boysenberry6745
Another User Comments:
“NTJ NTJ NTJ – I will say that as many times as it takes for you to hear it. I don’t know what your situation is, that his behavior was triggering, but it triggered me!
He was lying to you for no good reason! You had a simple request for a logical reason. He lied. He probably forgot that his keys were in his backpack until he went to open the door. That’s on him.
Not you. I think he’s a jerk for many reasons, but lying to you and then blaming you for his bad night is not right. Don’t lose sleep over this guy. I’m still triggered!” Comprehensive-War743
10. AITJ For Setting Boundaries Between My Significant Other And Her Ex?
“I (21m) have been with my significant other (20f) for 6 months and learned within that time that she’s still friends with an ex-hookup. I trust my SO and have nothing against her friend but I told her that I’m not comfortable with the two hanging out alone but they can do so as a group (the same rule applies to me).
She obliged and told me that she completely understands. The conversation ended there and didn’t really hear about that friend since they didn’t hang out much afterward (apparently they hung out a lot before as friends, usually with some mutual friends and sometimes just the two of them).
My SO later told me she dropped him altogether (no specific incident) since she wants to show me that she was serious about me. I didn’t really have much to say (kinda forgot about him but was relieved) except that he didn’t really take my SO rejecting his friendship too well.
He’s now telling my SO’s other friends (a lot of mutual friends) that she’s not talking to him because of me and that I’m forcing her to do so. Her other friends are now kinda distant about me (according to her) and my perception of them has changed. Honesty, I don’t know what I should do about this guy.
He’s been going on about it for a month now.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it was her decision, and the ex showed exactly why hanging out with him alone was going to eventually be a problem. He is still interested in her in a romantic way.
If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be talking crap about you.
He is trying to drive a wedge between her and her friends so she will come to her senses about you. When all her friends, not knowing the truth, badger her into leaving you because you are controlling and jealous, he will be there for her because he is the good guy.
Your SO should tell them the truth and let them know you are the man she wants to spend her time with by choice, not force.” ckm22055
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Don’t listen to these people who clearly don’t know how to have a successful relationship.
In what world is it ok to be constantly hanging out with someone you casually slept with while you’re in a relationship? Most of these people would have a problem with that, they’re lying and trying to shame you for having a totally realistic and justified boundary.” jingx16
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You set a boundary. You didn’t tell her what to do. You said, ‘I’m not comfortable with (thing),’ and she decided that was reasonable and agreed not to do (thing), and then she dropped the ex altogether of her own accord.
Some people are okay with their partners being friends with exes. Some aren’t. You only said you felt uncomfortable with her hanging out with him one on one, which I can understand even if I don’t agree. Clearly talking to him wasn’t much of a priority for her if she was willing to drop him for a 6-month-long relationship.
The real issue here is that your SO isn’t shutting down the blame game everyone is playing with you.” Arctic_Puppet
9. AITJ For Wanting To Go To College?
“I (18F) recently got accepted into a pretty highly accredited college in my state and I called my parents to let them know cause I was so excited and happy, my friends and coworkers cheered for me and I wanted to share the great news with my parents while I was still at work.
My parents’ reaction was just ‘Oh. Okay. Well, how do you even have time to call us while at work?’
I was honestly disappointed and hurt. I hung up on them without saying a word. In my head, I was hoping for a bit more than that at least. I have friends whose parents celebrated with them and some friends who even went out to celebrate being accepted into their dream schools.
It seems like a magical and extraordinary moment that I wanted more than anything to share with my parents. I never thought I would make it either so it was amazing to me.
I went home that night and my mother said, ‘You know you’re not going.
You’re gonna stay and work for a year or two then move out because your dad never went to college, what makes you think that you can?’
That’s insane because my parents have spent my senior year nagging and nagging at me to apply to colleges and supporting me.
Why is it just now that they turn their backs on me?
I yelled at my mom and said they’re both horrible and just want to see me fail and I honestly get more support from my e****g dog than I ever got from them.
My dad walked out and my mom started saying I’m ungrateful – honestly, maybe I am. I think I just feel like a jerk because my parents have taken care of me all my life and I know getting into college is one thing, and paying for it is another, which they’re worried about.
For me to call them horrible seemed very out of line now that I’ve calmed down.”
Another User Comments:
“First, congratulations. That’s huge and you should be so proud!
Second, their reaction seemed cold and I can understand expecting something different and being upset by hope they reacted as well as this new info about supposedly staying and working.
Finally, start looking into financial aid and scholarships as soon as possible. Don’t wait just cause they want you to; there are a lot of options out there and you can make this dream happen.
They’re required to take care of you since they brought you into this world and you had no say in it; I don’t even understand parents who seem to think their kids owe them anything, they don’t!
And that’s coming from a parent in case they, or anyone else, tries to tell you otherwise.
You did this and should be proud and they should be at least emotionally supportive even if they can’t be financially so. NTJ at all!” amp_ro
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your reaction is both understandable and justified. Your parents think you should be limited by their own choices. Find out from the college if there are options for financial aid and what you can do to secure financing.
Your high school counselors should also be able to help you find scholarships or financial aid. Don’t toss aside your dreams just because your parents are jerks.” Suchafatfatcat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It might have been an overreaction, something said out of tension and strong emotion, but it doesn’t make you a jerk.
Of course, you were excited to be accepted, and taking a minute at work to just call with the happy news is perfectly normal. A more reasonable response from them would’ve been ‘Wow! That’s amazing news! Congratulations! We’ll talk about it more when you get home.’ It’s also trashy of them to flip-flop like that – nagging you to apply for colleges, and then saying you can’t go.
If their financial situation has changed, or they can’t afford to support you through college for whatever reason, that’s one thing. But it’s abusive to suddenly question your ability to even study, simply because your Dad didn’t do so. You have every right to be upset with this sudden change of heart.” SwedishHalfling
8. AITJ For Having A Negative Impression Of My Friend's Significant Other?
“I was at the mall with my best friend when another friend, let’s call her S, noticed us and invited us over.
S was with her SO at the time and wanted to introduce us, and since we enjoy meeting new people we obliged.
It did not take long before we realized that her SO was… Let’s say strange. He refused to talk to us, giving one-word responses to everything and when the topic went towards things we enjoyed or liked, he’d just go ‘I don’t care’.
It was disheartening, to say the least. I try my best generally to include everyone in a conversation, but he honest to god refused to participate even when the topic was his interests or relationship with S.
The thing that really broke the camel’s back, for me at least, was that he made S talk FOR him and not in an ‘I don’t know what to say so please take the reigns’ way, but in an almost ‘they are beneath me’ way.
S tried her best to accommodate but there were things she couldn’t respond to, like what were her SO’s favorite video games and stuff like that.
After around 30 minutes of trying to either ignore her SO and discuss other things or let him speak only for him to refuse to, I just didn’t care anymore and went ‘Wow… I don’t like you.’ And he, once again, just ignored everyone, even S when she tried to defend him by saying (I wish I was joking, I still don’t understand the correlation) that he’s a feminist.
The whole thing ended up just being awkward and afterward S didn’t talk to me as much. It all came to a head at my best friend’s birthday when S tried to confront me and said I was a jerk and was being mean to her SO.
I was most likely rude, I agree, though I genuinely was out of things to say at that point.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I don’t know if he’s on the spectrum, sheltered, or just plain rude, but he just had a valuable life experience.
No one’s probably ever told him that he’s unlikable, so that might prompt him to work on his social skills and not say out loud that he ‘doesn’t care’. Try not to beat yourself up, I’m sure you’re a decent person.
Not every interaction with people has to be fake and overly polite, no one learns or grows that way. It’s like letting someone walk around stinking, and no one ever telling them.” _PSO_
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. But in a very on-the-surface way.
It definitely did not need to be said. A raised eyebrow and rolling of the eyes while directing your full attention to S would have accomplished the same thing – making it clear you don’t like him. But when you say it aloud to his face without being provoked (did he say something mean to you first?) is being a jerk.
You all should’ve just directed all conversation to S and stopped trying to talk to him… he clearly was being rude, so let him.
Public opinion would’ve agreed he was the jerk, now you put yourself in the same category.
It was just unnecessary is all. Did he deserve it? Maybe. But it would be best to take the higher road in that instance.” smcbride014
Another User Comments:
“He was clearly not interested in talking to you, for whatever reason.
Personally, I don’t think the reason matters, and all that matters to you is he didn’t want you there or want to talk to you to the point of being antagonistic. He was being a massive jerk about it and wasn’t even trying to hide it.
You and your friend should have made an excuse and got out of there, not to appease his jerk attitude but to stop wasting your own time. You could have later talked to S about it and figured out what was going on if you wanted to clear it up.
Why would you stick around and try to force him to engage in conversation for 30 minutes when the situation is like that?” asakadeva
7. AITJ For Arguing With My Partner About My Workplace Outfit?
“I (24f) have been with my partner (26m) for about eight months. I have always had a very alternative look, even as a child, that got more expressive as I grew up.
Colorful hair, f****l piercings, tattoos, and very dark and bold makeup. This is how I feel most comfortable and happy.
When we started going out, my partner said he liked my look, even though he himself dresses very basically.
He even hyped me up when I showed him new makeup looks or outfits. However a few days ago as I was getting ready for work, he kept making weird faces at me. I asked him what was up and he said nothing but kept shaking his head.
This really irritated me because he was obviously bothered but I wasn’t going to entertain his huffy behavior. I finished getting ready and tried to kiss him goodbye like I always do but he just turned away from me. This really hurt my feelings and I can’t even lie, I did cry a little bit on the way to work.
I tried to text him during my breaks but he didn’t respond at all.
When I finally got home and he still wouldn’t say anything to me, I lost it. I asked him what his problem was and why he was treating me this way.
He motioned to my clothes and simply said ‘That’. I obviously didn’t know what he meant so I asked what about it and he said something like ‘I just can’t believe you’d wear that to work’. I was confused because this is what I always wear.
I told him that and he was like ‘Yeah I know, it’s so unprofessional, you’ll never accomplish anything looking like that’. I couldn’t believe he said that to me. I was fighting back tears at this point, trying to tell him that my job allows it and that I’m not the only one at work that dresses like this.
He just kept repeating himself and said that clearly, it’s not that good of a job if they allow me to look like that.
I couldn’t take it anymore and left to go to my sister’s house. He called me and I told him to get lost, that I wasn’t gonna change my look because he didn’t like it.
He called me selfish, saying that I’m ruining our future together because I can’t sacrifice one thing so we could have a good life together. Even though my job allows it AND it’s a good-paying office job. There was no reason for me to sacrifice anything.
After that, I hung up on him and ignored him for the rest of the night. I explained everything to my sister and she does agree my look is unprofessional, but if it doesn’t cause issues at work then it shouldn’t matter.
The next day, I had about a million messages from him saying how selfish I’m being and ruining our futures. I started feeling really guilty for leaving. I feel like I’m not wrong here but even my sister kind of agreed with him so I don’t know.”
Another User Comments:
“You’ve been together for 8 months, why is this just now a problem?! Also, his treatment of you, acting weird and refusing to talk and intentionally throwing you off all day before telling you what he was upset about is textbook emotionally manipulative behavior.
Did you recently move in together? A lot of men wait until they have you trapped by a lease or a baby to show their true colors and start the emotional mistreatment. There’s actually been research done on this and in anonymous surveys many men admitted to waiting 6-18 months before they started abusing a partner.
He is beginning the process of making you doubt yourself and exercising control over your appearance. It won’t stop here. Run. NTJ.” No_Rope_8115
Another User Comments:
“This is TEXTBOOK manipulation. He is trying to make you feel guilty so that you will come back to him.
Do not internalize that crap. You know your workplace, he doesn’t. He needs to decide for himself if he wants to be with someone who dresses the way you do (which is totally fine, by the way), and if not the solution is to find someone with whom he is more compatible, not demand you to change an aspect of who you are for his pleasure, apparently for your entire lives.
He WANTS you to be a little less happy, always. Women aren’t a blank canvas for him to paint the picture he wants, you’re already a masterpiece, and if he doesn’t like the view he doesn’t have to look.
You deserve better.
This man is a walking red flag.
NTJ” depresstletollhouse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He sounds like a manipulator and gaslighting. He sounds like a weak person trying to control someone he deems as weaker/desperate to control.
With that said, there is some truth in his words, but that doesn’t justify how he treated you or acted. The perception of professionalism in most corporate settings is not how you describe your style.
I don’t know what you do or if there is a future there or just a way to get by. But forward-thinking about your life, and more open to success, is to dress with your own style in a professional manner.
Make that your challenge. I have seen some stunners out there that are not only unique and professional but stand out and demand attention.
But regardless, at the situation at hand, the way he handled it IF he meant it throws up red flags.” DaJuganhut
6. AITJ For Not Coming To My Parents' Wedding Because I'm Embarrassed Of My Weight?
“I (30F) am 412lbs and I’m 5’2. Yes, this isn’t a joke and I wish it was. I’ve always been big (was ~280lbs at 18) and I’ve always been an overeater but when I left for college and I had a lot of funds and my parents weren’t there to stop me… yeah you can guess how I gained a lot of weight.
This isn’t really relevant, just backstory I guess.
Anyway, my parents (55F and 58M) are getting married in July. I was invited to come at the beginning of the year and I accepted, but recently I am having second thoughts.
I already spend a lot of time with my parents when I can, so this isn’t because I don’t love them or anything like that because they’re honestly lovely people and the best parents I could ever ask for, but honestly I’m not going because of my weight.
It’s going to be full of family friends who I haven’t seen in years so it will make my weight gain extra embarrassing and noticeable. On top of that, I’m just genuinely really ugly, really fancy clothes would look terrible on me and I don’t want to be at an event where a lot of people will see me even though the focus isn’t on me.
I only leave my apartment when I really have to, so going to a huge event seems overwhelming. I really wish I could go but I’ve thought about this a lot and the only thing I would be able to think about is everybody else and not my parents so I don’t want to make a big deal and ruin their day on their wedding.
Last night I went and visited their house and I told them about it and I said I’m really sorry. They were shocked, and my dad looked upset and stepped outside because he said he didn’t want to be part of this conversation anymore.
My mom got angry and told me that I’m betraying them and that I’m going to look like an embarrassment. She told me that I deserve to look like this that she won’t be there to help me when I end up eating myself to death at 40, and that I’ve ruined our relationship.
I know this stuff that she’s saying is just out of anger but I feel so awful about it. I’ve tried to call her this morning and she won’t respond, and neither will my dad.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I think you’re totally missing the forest for the trees here. Your parents’ wedding is a day to celebrate THEM. Not showing up at their wedding because you’re self-conscious about how you look is disrespectful to them and doesn’t change one thing about your weight.
I understand why they reacted badly. I also understand why you don’t want to go. It will be awkward, but please set yourself aside for a few hours to celebrate with your parents. And yes, they do also owe you an apology.” throwawayimclueless
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, sorry.
I thought this would be because you couldn’t afford travel or something. Your insecurity about your weight is valid, but do you genuinely want to miss out on important life events for the people you care about because of it?
You’re not being a jerk for letting down your parents you’re being a jerk for letting your weight be in charge of your life. You deserve to go to weddings and have fun, wear a nice dress, and feel beautiful in the body you’re in.
Your issues are valid. Do you really want to let them keep controlling you?” ratakat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s sad and honestly, I get entirely where they’re coming from. They love you tremendously or at least I’m assuming they do.
You’re their daughter and as a parent, that’s a love that those without kids will never understand. They don’t see 412lbs of ‘ugly’ (despite what they said in anger) They see their daughter whom they love. They desperately want you to be a part of the day… But that still doesn’t make you the jerk.
You have valid reasons and it’s understandable why it’s a situation that you’re fairly terrified of. It doesn’t make them jerks either. It’s just a sad situation.” Difficult-Thought-61
Another User Comments:
“I sympathize with you but still, YTJ.
I totally 100% get why you don’t want to be seen. But do you think these family/friends don’t already know that you are obese? If they are close enough to you that you value their judgments, then they probably know you well enough to know this.
If you care about their judgments, then as it stands now, you won’t be seen as ‘Their daughter who put on a lot of weight’. You’ll be seen as ‘their daughter who didn’t even attend the wedding’, which, in my opinion, is a lot more negative, and something which can never be changed. If you wanted to put in the effort, you’ll be able to lose weight again.
But you will never reverse the decision to skip their wedding.
Sorry if I come across as rude. Just trying to be honest. I wish you the best with your journey towards good health.” Life_Drop69
5. AITJ For Excluding An Adult Niece From My Treat?
“I (35M) recently went back to my hometown for a two-week stay.
Mostly for work reasons but I also wanted to surprise my nephews and nieces cause I haven’t been back in a few years.
My parents came from lower-class backgrounds and worked hard to provide. I took advantage, finished school, moved abroad, and am now blessed to be in a position where funds is not an issue.
I’m single with no kids by choice, and make more than enough to live comfortably. I live modestly, though I have a large budget when it comes to travel, food, and socializing.
Meanwhile, my siblings are notoriously bad with budgeting.
My sister in particular always prioritizes wants over needs. She’s always broke, no matter how much she earns. Her kids suffered as a result, sometimes missing meals or having no running water at home cause my sister spent it all on I don’t know what.
Being the cool uncle I am, I like to spoil my niblings when I visit. They’re like the kids I don’t have. We’d go to restaurants, theme parks, and other fun stuff they normally can’t afford to do.
I’m cool with this.
Quality food, nice hotels, and entertainment are all things I take for granted now, but it’s the equivalent of a celebrity lifestyle to my niblings. It thrills me to let them experience it and hopefully gives them the motivation to dream big.
A day before my trip, I learned my nephew Dan (18M) had fought with his mom. Dan’s a good kid, but my sister is toxic and verbally abusive. Anyway, he left home and was staying with my uncle who lives in a tiny flat and whose bed is a thin mattress on the floor.
It didn’t feel right that I had this suite at a posh hotel while my nephew was sleeping on the floor. I messaged him when I landed, and suggested he come stay with me. He could take the bedroom and I’d happily take the sofa bed.
Then my niece, his twin Samantha (18F), messaged him asking where he was. I told Dan he could tell Sam he was with me (surprise!), and that she could even come over so we could have dinner together.
At dinner, Sam updated me on her life.
She’s a full-time student with a job, paying for her own way through uni. But she’s mentally near breaking point and my sister is no help. Sam would often skip meals just so she had funds to commute to work and school.
At home, my sister is often yelling and screaming at someone, so it’s difficult to focus on school work or relax on a rare day off.
Sam’s school happens to be nearby, so I said she could also stay at the suite.
It’s quiet and she could even use the business lounge to study in peace. She and Dan would share the King bed.
I scrapped my surprise idea and told my sister her kids were with me so she wouldn’t worry.
Now here’s where I might be a jerk.
My oldest adult niece is Bea (22F). She lives with her husband (currently away for work) and their 4-year-old son. When she found out that Dan and Sam were staying in a suite in a nice hotel, with a buffet breakfast every morning, and dinner at classy restaurants, she got jealous and started saying things like ‘I see who uncle’s favorite people are’ and ‘nobody likes me since I had my baby.’
I said she could come and share the king bed if Sam and Dan were willing (they were). But I honestly didn’t want to cause Bea would bring her kid and I’m not keen on sharing my space with a toddler.
Also, I use the suite to work when the lounge is full or closed. I’d book them a separate room if she really wanted, but the hotel’s packed. Anyway, I’d be expected to compensate for transportation, food, and entertainment for her and her kid.
This isn’t gonna hurt me financially but I don’t want to set a precedent where I’m expected to pay for the entire family tree during visits.
Bea left the family group chat and unfriended me after she saw pics Sam shared on social media.
I’ve tried to be understanding, but it feels ridiculously petty.
I never intended for anyone to feel left out. I just wanted to help, but now there’s a conflict brewing between Bea and the twins. I don’t know if I did the right thing, or if I’m a jerk who could’ve handled this situation better.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You helped your twin siblings because their situations weren’t good and they couldn’t afford to have even a decent place to sleep or work. There was no one providing for them and they were struggling to provide for themselves.
Bea’s basically a single parent right now but she does have a husband who is working to provide already. I assume she has a comfortable and stable place currently? Regardless, NTJ,” Justcommenting121
Another User Comments:
“Mild YTJ
You could have at least invited Bea over for a meal, even with your great nephew.
It’s always nice, especially as a parent, to have food that’s cooked for you and you don’t have to worry about clearing up afterward.
You describe your sister as toxic and verbally abusive. Do you not think it’s likely that Bea, as the oldest, got the harshest end of all that growing up?
That she was probably made to help look after the twins?
It’s nice to appear for a week or two and treat them. But proper help for their future would be helping Dan get a bed to sleep in, even a blow-up one or a cheap sofa bed.
Paying for Sam to have a bus pass so she doesn’t have to choose between eating or getting to uni and work.
Even a family takeaway voucher once a month for Bea would make her feel appreciated.” Sarah_J_J
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, but maybe try to understand her feelings. I think that the comment ‘nobody likes me after I had a baby’ is telling you how she feels she is being treated (not by you but in general), and it’s really not about the funds.
In this case, this situation brought everything up to the surface.
I assume her mother’s treatment wasn’t better than it was for her younger siblings. And due to her circumstances, she probably has some issues and problems. You didn’t do anything wrong, but maybe you should try and talk to her and ask her how life is going and see if she has anything on her mind.
Maybe see if you can help her, not necessarily financially. People want to feel loved and cared for, that there is somebody out there still thinking of THEM. Her mother is problematic and now she’s a (very young) mother herself.
She’s probably struggling in more ways than you think.” LoudPuffin
4. AITJ For Arguing With A Gym-Goer Over A Treadmill?
“Went to the gym today with my partner. There are about 10 treadmills. All but three were being used. Two on the end next to each other. And one somewhere in the middle.
My partner and I went to go to two at the end.
I noticed there was a bag hanging off of the treadmill. I went to move the bag off the treadmill and the woman on the treadmill next to that one said, ‘What are you doing.
Don’t touch that.’
I said, ‘Sorry. I was just going to use the treadmill and wanted to get this out of my way.’ She said, ‘No, you aren’t. Don’t touch my stuff.’ I said, ‘Ummm, sorry? Can you move your bag then?’ She looked at me, scoffed, and said, ‘No.’
I said, ‘Look, this isn’t a coat rack. So please move your stuff to the cubbies so I can use this treadmill.’ She said, ‘I’m not doing that. Now leave me alone before I scream.’ My partner said, ‘I’ll just use the other treadmill.’ The woman said, ‘Yeah stop being a jerk and listen to your man’
My partner doesn’t think I’m the jerk but thinks I should have let it go sooner just to avoid any issues. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, obviously but I would never be able to look at my partner the same if they didn’t side with me or help in any way when someone talked to me like this.
Your partner sounds spineless. You’re getting cussed out so you can run with him and instead of jumping in and backing you up he just left you there and says you should’ve just let it go. What a jerk.” Prizmatik01
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You never move other people’s property or touch it. Her hostility is because you shouldn’t have touched it period. If anything, you should have asked. That said, unless she was saving the treadmill she should not have been using it to store her belongings, although there were plenty of free treadmills for you and your partner to use.
So yeah, you were a jerk for touching stuff that isn’t yours, particularly as there were enough treadmills for you to use, you didn’t need two together. She was rude in response to your rudeness and probably was using it as a place to keep her stuff which is also not cool.” ElectricBugs
Another User Comments:
“You are 100% NTJ. It makes me mad when people legitimately, unironically try to bully other people. And they get away with it because no one wants to deal with the consequences. If more people stood up to people like this, the less comfortable they’d feel with behaving like this.
Next time, look her in the eyes and throw her stuff on the floor with intent. Who do you think management is going to kick out when she’s screaming and you’re just using the treadmill?” mikechm
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here (ever, ever, ever so slightly – sorry OP)
Here’s the deal, you get into s*******e by exhibiting a different version of the same type of entitlement that is firing you up about her majesty. Your entitlement manifests in thinking you have the right to touch other people’s possessions, even when they are in the wrong place – unless that place is your home and you paid for them, still a no. You don’t work there.
If you wanted any cooperation then tbh you should have asked first, then go to an employee. But the only reason I am not thinking YTJ solely because threats were made but then again you both seem lovely and incapable of lying about that.” HRPurrfrockington
3. AITJ For Being Mad At My Mom For Throwing Away My Shirt?
“I (20M) recently bought a new band shirt for my favorite black metal band. It had the band’s Image on the front and an upside-down cross at the back. I absolutely loved the shirt and wore it proudly for a day.
However, the next day, I couldn’t find it anywhere. After searching the whole house for 2 hours, I confronted my mother about it.
Turns out, my mother, who is Christian, had seen the upside-down cross on the shirt and threw it away because I suppose it goes against her religious beliefs.
When I asked her about it, she denied it at first but didn’t confirm or deny it when I got more furious. I was devastated and told her that she had no right to do that and that I don’t need her opinion on what I wear so she should keep to herself and pick her own clothes for herself.
And maybe I was a little mad because I waited for so long to get that shirt and she just threw it away just like that, Now after all this has passed, I’m kinda rethinking if I was a jerk for saying that and if I was too harsh on her.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You bought that shirt with your own funds. The least she could’ve done is ask you about it, or confront if she’s that upset by it.
The fact that she denied it at first, might suggest that you found out faster about it than she might have expected, and perhaps feels ashamed about it.
Yea, maybe you could have done with less anger, but your mom didn’t do this the right way either.” Dork86
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for throwing a fit when you are presumably living in her house rent-free.
Her house, her rules. I know living with a controlling parent isn’t fun, but throwing a fit like that can just make an unreasonable parent more unreasonable. 3 or 4 more arguments later, she might start asking you for rent, or tell you you should be doing 100% of the chores as compensation for her raising you.
The solution is to move out. If anything, this is a sign to not make any more nonessential purchases while you’re still living there and focus on getting a place of your own.
Your mom because she could’ve handled the situation better too, and at least had a conversation with you about the shirt before taking action.
She should’ve used her words, rather than making a unilateral decision to throw it out. And assuming you bought the shirt, I’d say she should ideally pay you back for the amount you spent on it.” WorldsAwait
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She stole and discarded your property. But… if you’re living at her house I personally do think she has a right to now allow things that are offensive to her religion in the house. It’s not just a difference of view similar to you having the Star of David on something, it’s her religion’s symbol turned upside down to symbolize the opposition and dismantling, as well as mockery of that religion that encompasses her sacred beliefs.
I just don’t think it’s tasteful to offend ANYONE’s religion like that.” hermitsandthings
2. AITJ For Not Buying Food For My Mom And Stepdad?
“I (28F), live with my parents due to separation and divorce.
I help out with some house chores when needed, but I work evenings in a local restaurant to have the income to provide for my kids. I have 2 kids (6F and 2M) with my ex and I have them 99 percent of the time (the ex cancels his visits very often).
Some mornings I get my kids and me an early lunch (sometimes it’s just for myself and my son due to my daughter’s school days). I usually get it before my mom wakes up (she doesn’t have a job outside the home) and my stepdad works.
Well, today I went to the bank to deposit what I’ve made the last couple of days and I stopped to get lunch for myself and the kids. That was around 10:30. When I got back, my mom was about to leave and snapped at me, saying it was rude of me to just get myself and the kids something and not even ask if she or my stepdad wanted anything.
That it’s inconsiderate to not even offer. She said she doesn’t even eat in the mornings, which is something I already know, but that it would be nice if I offered. She threatened to not get me anything on the days we do takeout meals for dinner.
I just wanted to make sure myself and the kid had a nice lunch, but now I’m rethinking that because she got upset with me. AITH here? This isn’t a daily thing, maybe a once or twice a week thing.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because even if they decline asking is nice. And if they say yes and it hits your budget cut back on it for everyone. They let you live there with your kids for free and provide free childcare.
Things you’ve said you cannot afford. This is the absolute bare minimum thing you could do to acknowledge them and contribute a little. They are providing room and board and childcare for you so you can offer to get some takeout when you buy it for you and your kid(s).” Americanhealth74
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
Sometimes it is easier, especially when juggling two children, to just sort yourselves out food-wise.
I think your Mum is probably just feeling a bit frustrated by the overall imbalance. From the info you’ve shared, it sounds like she and her husband are providing your accommodation, possibly bills too, takeaway dinner nights, etc. It sounds like they’re just hoping for a kind gesture every now and then.
Tensions run wild when cohabiting like this. I don’t think she’s a jerk – it’s sounding like one of those occasions when pent-up feelings get poured into a singular event.” junglemice
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You’re living with them with your children, which is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE favor of your mother and stepfather.
You owe them a lot. You need to make sure if you’re cooking a meal, you ask if they’d like any if they’re home. You need to make sure you’re keeping up on messes and just helping out as much as you can.
I do have a question, though, about all of the eating out. It seems strange to me that you work at a restaurant and somehow eat lunch out multiple times a week as well as takeout dinners. You say you can’t afford rent at an apartment.
Is all of your funds going towards dining out? I wonder if your mother might be feeling resentful for this like they are providing you with a place to live and presumably caring for your children while you’re at work, but you’re spending excessive amounts of your income on dining out when you could be contributing more to the household.
Is that possible? It sounds like it if she’s saying something about you picking up food for just you and your kids.” ThePolemicist
1. AITJ For Refusing To Leave A Restaurant Just Because My Son Is Babbling?
“My wife and I went out for coffee and a pastry with our 8-month-old son at a cafe near our local park. He has started babbling more often lately and loves to play with his toy (that doesn’t make too much noise).
We were seated outside and enjoying our coffee and pastry and enjoying the sun and our son’s babbles while the weather is still not too hot. An older couple was seated after us at a few tables over, and they looked at us with distaste and made a loud comment about how parents ruin going out for others with their babies.
A few minutes of babbling later, she asked us if we could keep our son’s voice down. I told her we would try but no promises. We put on Ms. Rachel to try to keep him from making noise but he would start clapping or babbling still.
As we were about to finish and leave, she turned around and asked us to leave so she and her husband could enjoy their day out. I told her she came to a local park, sat at an outdoor cafe, and had no right to make us feel bad for going out with our son.
She told me that she never took her kids out when they made noise and we should take others into consideration. Her husband told her that was enough but in anger, I threw out a comment about how she should be ashamed of herself as a mother to make other parents feel bad for enjoying themselves, especially in a public place where noise should be expected.
My wife told me that I should have kept that last comment out of it because it became personal and a coworker commented that I should have just ignored her and not said anything. My wife is now hesitant to go out to avoid me responding that way to another person.
I think I am in the clear, but AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but with a caveat
Babbling is the equivalent of talking so it’s hardly a disturbance. And you were in an outdoor cafe in a public park – not somewhere where quiet can be reasonably expected. She was repeatedly unreasonable and from what you said about her husband’s reaction, you weren’t the only one who thought she needed telling.
That said if your wife is worried about going out with you then maybe you two need a discussion about where the common ground is for you both when it comes to how to deal assertively (but appropriately) with bullies in public.
Because no matter how many of us think what you said was fine, if your wife feels uncomfortable with it then you’ve still got an issue.
You can be in the right all day long but if it’s making the person you love uncomfortable then you have to at least consider giving some ground (without making yourself too uncomfortable).
Hopefully, there’s a happy middle ground for dealing with similar situations when you’re together, and agreeing on what that looks like might help your wife feel relaxed on outings in the future.
She’s lucky she’s not married to me though because if that woman had made that ‘I left my kids at home unless they were silent’ crack anywhere near me I’d have been asking her whether they ever speak to her voluntarily now.” lemlemsx
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. If you were at a public park and this café was a component of that park, then the older couple overreacted. But that’s not how you started out your description. You said you were in a café on an outdoor patio.
You were asked to try to keep the child a little more quiet and instead you added a layer of noise from an electronic device.
Both parties were just escalating the situation. And I love the sound of a baby babbling but as soon as it gets into clapping and giggling it’s a fair amount of noise.
Mom of twins here.
She should have moved and you should never put on an electronic device to try and hide the noise of a baby.” gfdoctor
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Everyone has to spend funds to enjoy themselves at a restaurant.
Why is it that your payment overrides their payment? Everyone is entitled to have a nice time in a public setting, but there are unspoken rules so that it can go smoothly for everyone. I promise it wasn’t only the couple that was bothered, they were just the only people to say anything to your face about it.
Everyone in their spent funds to be there, but you ruined it for everyone.
You are the only 2 people in the world who aren’t bothered by your baby so only you two got to enjoy yourselves out of everyone else there.
If the baby is loud you remove them from the establishment to calm down and bring them back when they are quiet. If you want to go out hire a sitter and leave the baby at home. Until your kid is old enough to understand and participate in manners and etiquette you shouldn’t bring them to a place that people have to pay for to be there that isn’t exclusive for kids and babies.” IffyKitten
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here except for your wife and the other husband. The woman was out of line for being so pushy unless this was the posh kind of place that is very quiet – and I did not get the impression that it was.
You were out of line for retaliatory rudeness – especially since it made your wife uncomfortable to the point she no longer wants to go places with you. If your comments had served a purpose, and somehow changed the situation, then a little discomfort is fine, but your wife now fears you making rude comments that serve no purpose so I would apologize to her and promise not to escalate situations in the future.” majolie1970
