People Wonder If We'll Despise Them After Reading Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Refusing To Remove My Christmas Wreath?
“My fiancée (f) and I (m) moved into our first home in October this year, we bought Christmas decorations and put them up on the 1st of December.
In my family, it is tradition to put a wreath on the front door. However, my fiancée’s family has never put up a wreath because it upsets her Mum because of her (deceased) grandad. Both my fiancée and I put up the decorations thinking nothing of it but when my MIL came over she refused to step in the house and is saying she won’t come over (she usually comes to look after our kids) until we throw it away.
We said we would just take it down when she came over but that wasn’t good enough for her. And now because we are going against her wishes she is saying she doesn’t want to go to our wedding (on the 21st.) I’m stubborn and won’t throw it away because it is OUR home.
So AITJ and what would you do?
EDIT: she doesn’t like wreathes as she and her grandad would put them up together and it makes her sad as she misses him. (he’s been dead for 28 years).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She is being over dramatic. It is your house and now she is having a tantrum because she is trying to control you and it’s not working. Tell her, if you don’t want to come to the wedding so be it but it is only because she doesn’t want to go, and you’re not going to throw the wreath away as her being sad over her grandad has nothing to do with you.
Why doesn’t she make it a nice tradition to put a wreath on the door with your children? She’s just being spiteful and acting weird.” VelvetMoMo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
She is being overly dramatic and trying to control you guys, don’t give in to this.
If she’s still traumatized nearly 30 years later, she really needs therapy to get past this. I mean putting wreaths on the door is something so many people do, does she go around the neighborhood crying over every wreath she sees?
Unless he straight up murdered someone with a wreath, she really needs to get over this.” Caspian4136
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your future MIL has some major control issues. She really refuses to set foot in your house or see her own grandkids because wreaths remind her of her grandfather, who died 28 years ago.
You offered a reasonable compromise (for her unreasonable insecurity) and agreed to take it down when she visits, but that’s not good enough and she demands you throw it away. I’m surprised she didn’t demand a ritual burning of the wreath with her in attendance or at least being sent the video.
Your future is going to be a serious problem when you’re married. Unless your fiancée is willing to go low-to-no-contact, I don’t see a bright future ahead for you with this woman in your life.
ETA: I would make sure my fiancée has my back on this.
Then I would tell her that it is your home, and you will do as you want and she does not get to dictate your Christmas decorations. You are not defying her ‘wishes.’ She doesn’t get ‘wishes’ when it comes to your home.
Despite the fact that it’s Christmas. And if she wants to skip the wedding over a Christmas wreath, that’s her decision. And I would also advise her that from now on, she will get no unsupervised visits with her grandkids.
Her entitlement and imperiousness would be a very bad influence on the kids.” RighteousVengeance
19. AITJ For Tricking My Cousins Out Of Their Inheritance?
“Years ago our grandfather passed. In his will, he left our family’s traditional homestead to me and my cousins.
This homestead has over 100 acres and is about 90 mins from a very large city. We all had equal shares of the homestead so my cousins wanted to sell it and take the cash. I didn’t.
The homestead has sentimental value to me and tbh, is quite beautiful.
There’s a large pond on it that is fed by a spring and several forest patches randomly throughout the land. I spent some of my best years and some of my most precious memories were made on this land.
The best part was that the land was given an agricultural tax designation so the yearly property tax was very low. I also wanted to keep it because I thought it would increase in value due to its location.
Back then several out-of-state companies were talking about moving to our state.
In addition, the cities in the area were trying to turn the surrounding areas into Silicon Valley 2 so they were courting tech businesses with tax breaks. I thought the land was going to be in a prime location if any of that comes to pass.
I want to make it clear that none of the businesses moved to our city at that point and they didn’t even say they were moving to our state. In fact, our state was one of many on their list. I didn’t have any inside information and everything I knew was based on the public news available to everyone.
I didn’t bring it up to the cousins during our talks. To make a long story short, I bought out their shares at market value. Everything was done legally and everyone was happy at the time.
I held on to the homestead through good times and bad times.
I held on to it through many offers from many developers. After about a decade, companies started to move to our state and many to the areas where I predicted they would. My land’s value has soared and developers call me daily with some even visiting in person weekly.
While I plan to keep the bulk of the land and am living in the house my great-grandfather built, I recently sold 2 acres for 100x the price I paid my cousins for the entire land. When they found out, crap hit the fan.
The family exploded and they are screaming I tricked them out of their inheritance. I pointed out it took a decade for anything to happen so it was the very definition of a gamble and I just happen to come out on top.
They argued that I should have told them that this could have happened and I argued I made my decision on publicly available information.
Many in the family want me to update their shares but I refuse. I view it as a business gamble I won.
AITJ?
Edit: At the time I was the youngest of the cousins. I was a senior in college while the others were between their mid-20s to late 30s.
At the time I was pursuing my finance degree. Some of the cousins didn’t attend college while others had degrees.
Our grandfather had kids and he left them money, other properties, and stakes in his business. He left the grandkids the homestead because we all spent our summers there riding horses, fishing, camping, etc.
Had I refused to sell, they wouldn’t have been able to sell.
However, it never got to that point. When they told me they wanted to sell, I asked for a week to think about it. When the week was up, I came back and told them I would buy their shares.
We got the property appraised and we all agreed on the appraised price.
I sold everything I had including my car. I borrowed the rest from my parents. They loaned me the funds without interest so as long as I keep the house.
That wasn’t a problem since I love that place.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The only reason they are doing this is that you are family. If you had all sold to a third party, they wouldn’t be going to that buyer asking for more.
They wanted to sell. You paid the fair market price. Because they now see a lot of money just out of reach, they are crying foul. If a huge chemical plant moved in and ruined your land, they wouldn’t be trying to pay you back any portion of what you paid them.
They were shortsighted when they sold and chances are they blew through the funds instead of investing it.” Wiser_Owl99
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Quit thinking/saying you ‘scammed’ them out of funds. You had it appraised, you paid them the market value, and you no doubt have been for paying taxes, insurance, and repairs.
If you’d talked Grandpa into changing his will so only you inherited? That’s a scam. If you’d come up with your own (low) price for buying them out (& they accepted)? Pretty scammy. But they’re the ones that screwed up.
And they probably spent the funds you paid them LONG ago. Their loss, their stupidity.” fanofpolkadotts
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your family is being really unreasonable here. You borrowed funds, sold your car, paid property tax, and lived in the property.
They sold their share of an asset and were happy at the time of the sale. Seller’s remorse is not your problem. If the property had become a liability to you would they have offered to give up some of their shares’ value in order to help you out?
NOPE, they would have accused you of buyer’s remorse. It’s been ten years. This is extremely unkind, uncharitable, and unhinged by your family.” speakingtoidiots
18. AITJ For Causing My Sister-In-Law's Books To Be Taken Away?
“We’re visiting my in-laws and my sister-in-law was telling me about all of the books she’s recently read and bought as we both like reading. I’ve read some of these books and I wasn’t sure if she should be reading them as she’s 16 and some of them are pretty explicit and don’t exactly have the healthiest romances.
I told my husband about the books and he told his parents. My mother-in-law ended up asking me to point out which ones I knew were too mature for her and she confiscated them. My sister-in-law is mad at me as she isn’t going to get the books back as my mother-in-law is planning to donate them and she’s no longer allowed to buy whatever books she wants.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, but in a rather sad way.
You could’ve used your fear of her developing an unhealthy image of romance as an opportunity to talk to her about that exact issue.
If you wanted her to be safe you should’ve used your relationship with her in order to educate her on why these books might portray an unhealthy image and advise her to read with caution.
You won’t be able to control what she consumes ever, not with the internet and social media present, but you threw away the opportunity to be her guide.
Now you’ve taken away not only her books, but managed to teach her that she can’t trust you instead.” borderlinewhining
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – what you are describing there is censorship. Your SiL is an intelligent young woman capable of critical thought so should be able to read whatever she wants without you and her mother deciding what is and isn’t appropriate.
The fact that you were reading similar books at her age makes you not only a jerk but a hypocrite as well.
You’ve also undoubtedly ruined your relationship with the SiL. She’s unlikely to trust you ever again.” Mrflappy1980
Another User Comments:
“Oh lord. YTJ.
She is 16 and reads. Y’all should jump with joy for that fact alone. And let me reiterate, she is 16. She most likely has access to the internet, and excuse me for being blunt, if she wants to read (or write) this kind of fiction, she most certainly has her ways to do exactly that.
Not to mention she already DID READ the books in question. While re-reading books is a thing, most people don’t do it that often. You know, you could have talked with her about the stuff she read, and found out what she thinks about it at all.
Have a healthy discussion. Might have turned out that she has very reasonable thoughts, you know?
In school, she might be reading Pride and Prejudice – or To Kill a Mockingbird. Speaking of not having the healthiest romances, amirite? And despite all of this, she still enjoys reading.
Let the kid read, and give the books back. Or replace them. You need to apologize, what is wrong with y’all? I am disgusted and angry.” MaralDesa
17. AITJ For Saying That My Husband Doesn't Deserve To Be A Father?
“My (36F) husband, Dennis (39M), and I have been together for 9 years, married for 4.
When we met we were both looking to settle down and have kids so it felt like fate that we met. We started talking seriously about having kids around 1.5 years in and started trying at 2 years. After three years of trying and heartache, we decided to adopt.
Following a long and hard journey, we were finally able to welcome home our beautiful daughter, Sophie!
My husband was a wonderful father to Sophie, he loved holding her and being with her. He would rush to her side when he heard her cries.
I couldn’t have wished for a better partner and father for my children. Just after everything settled down with Sophie, we got pregnant. Both Dennis and I were elated to hear we would be having another child, and ecstatic when we found we were having another little baby girl, so close in age to her sister!
But I started getting worried when I heard some of Dennis’ comments as I started to show more and we got closer to birth. He once even said, ‘I can’t believe we’re finally having our own baby’. I questioned what he meant by this as we have Sophie already, but he brushed it off saying I knew what he meant but didn’t say it again to me.
When I gave birth, Sophie was 11 months old and had been saying ‘am am am’ whenever she stroked my belly, so we decided to call our daughter Amy. When we brought Amy home is when Dennis’ behavior really started to slip and lack towards Sophie.
He stopped giving her attention, documenting or even caring about her milestones. He started actively trying to avoid interactions with Sophie, eg if I asked him to tend to Sophie if she were making a fuss, he would go to the cot and say that he can’t as he is tending to Amy.
Sophie is clearly being impacted by the sudden loss of her father so once the kids were in bed tonight I asked him what is going on with him. He told me that since Amy was born, his love for Sophie has ‘died’ (he then retracted, and reworded, saying ‘dimmed’ instead).
I was horrified, I told him I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He tried to calm me down by saying that perhaps we could ‘split’ them, he’ll take Amy and I take Sophie. It almost felt like he was making a really trashy joke.
I called him a terrible person and told him he didn’t deserve to be a father. I told him that I feel betrayed and repulsed by him for using one child as a trial for the next. He left the house and hasn’t come home since.
It’s snowy here and it’s getting on at 2 am and I’m getting worried.
Edit: I am yet to speak properly with Dennis as I am still seething. I have asked him to stay with his brother until the weekend when I will have the opportunity to go and stay (with the girls) at my parents’ house.
Until then, my friend and sister are taking turns in helping me out at home. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is likely that divorce is on the cards. I don’t see this as something that either Dennis and I or the girls would be able to live with or recover from.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I HATE to say this, but unless you want a severely traumatized Sophie, divorce might be a topic worth considering.
Sophie is going to be severely negatively impacted growing up and seeing the difference in how your husband treats her and Amy.
If she is exposed to this every day, I do worry for her long-term mental health. It’s not healthy for her to be brought up in an environment where a parent sees her that way.
I lived with a family for a time who struggled with infertility.
They adopted two girls and three years later had their rainbow baby. Their love for their adopted children never ‘died’ or ‘diminished’. This is not normal and people should not adopt if they are incapable of loving an adopted child the same way they would a biological child.
Your husband is disgusting – his attitude and comments around the matter are disgusting – and you were right to call him out on it.” Suspicious_Lemon9960
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… wow, I can’t even begin to imagine the shock you must be going through.
To discover that your partner is the kind of person who can just stop loving an innocent human being… I would think very seriously about whether your relationship can continue, especially for the protection of your oldest daughter. If you want to try and salvage this, please insist on very heavy therapy, because this is already the road of neglect and mistreatment.
Also, him just leaving and letting you worry with 2 babies at home is very immature. Do you have family or friends that can take you in? I would not stay there waiting. Get out and protect your children from this sad excuse for a parent.” Fimorion
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I’m honestly so stunned by your husband’s offer to ‘split’ your children that I can’t think of anything scathing enough to describe this behavior. I’m not sure at this point if your family as a unit can be saved, but if there is any chance, it’s going to hinge on major family counseling.
That his love for his child just ‘dies’ because a bio child is born says to me that his version of love is incredibly limited and selfish. Watching him dote on Amy and ignore her for the rest of her life is going to have devastating effects on poor Sophie.
You have every right to your feelings – for the sake of your children, I can only hope his heart is not as limited as it seems to be right now.” Dipping_My_Toes
You might also request supervised visitation with a neutral third party that picks her up, stays during visitation, then brings her home.
16. AITJ For Wanting My Nephew To Read Books About Bullying?
“I (37f) have 5 kids with my husband (37m), our second oldest is Colton (14m).
My husband and I moved to the U.K. in Jan 2020. I don’t see my family often, they all live in the states. This year, we are doing Christmas at my house. My siblings (30m, 32f, 35m, 39f, and 41m) are all coming with their families, and so are our parents (62m and 62f).
My husband has no contact with his family, so they aren’t a factor.
My 32-year-old sis started early and has been here for about a week. She has 6 kids and is staying in a hotel with her husband and them.
Her 10-year-old son, Ethan, has already been causing problems for us. Ethan is a trouble starter, he’s been suspended many times and is on the cusp of expulsion. My sister is looking to get him into a private school because she believes that the school is ‘making up stories’ about him and that he is ‘just as well-behaved as any other child’.
Her other kids misbehave every once in a while, like normal kids, but she doesn’t see a difference in them compared to Ethan, who is always in trouble.
Colton referees for youth rugby and plays football (soccer) with his friends, he has a friend who he is very close to who is British Indian.
The boy is also a rugby referee and is on my son’s football team. Colton even went to India recently with him, his family, and a few other boys. Colton loves cricket and badminton just as much as any other sport and watches them with his friends.
On the first day we saw my sister and their family, Colton was showing them some badminton and cricket stuff he had picked up in India and showing pictures of the trip, and Ethan was laughing while making racist comments.
Later that night, we were having fish for dinner, Colton hates fish, so he made a curry dish that his friend taught him. The dish is way too spicy for me, my husband, and our other kids, but it’s his favorite.
Ethan wanted to try it, we warned him it was spicy and when he did try it, he reacted by cursing at Colton for burning his mouth.
A few days later, Colton went out with friends for the day doing his sports stuff, we had mentioned going to some sports-related museums over the holiday break, Ethan is the stereotype of a sports-hating nerd and objected to it, when we said we were still going to some of the museums, he got upset.
Later that day, he decided to go into Colton’s room and use scissors to destroy his school uniform, as well as the ones of multiple boys who were sleeping over the night before.
Colton came back, saw this, and told us, it was already so late that they were back at the hotel.
The next day, we tell my sister she needs to pay to replace them, and she was fine with that. However, she gets mad when we tell her that we will be borrowing some of my teacher friend’s books on bullying, and requiring he reads them or he needs to stay in the hotel during the day, she got mad and insisted her son was a good kid and we overreacted. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But sorry to say it’s a little too late for a few books on bullying to make a big change in this kid’s behavior. Given that he’s already spewing racist stuff and destroying property, I don’t think being forced to read a few books is going to make him see the light.
He is a terror and a huge part of the problem lies with your sister who isn’t willing to see the truth. Sorry, but you can’t fix this kid in a couple of weeks.” Laines_Ecossaises
Another User Comments:
“You are not the parent.
Everyone sucks here.
You can talk to the mother about his behavior, you can cut ties, and you can keep the bullying child away from your children. You can teach your children that your nephew is behaving inappropriately but what you cannot and should not do is parent someone else’s child, it is not your place.” chaosandpuppies
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But if I were a parent whose kid had their uniform destroyed in your house, I’d seriously consider reporting the damage as either criminal damage or theft.
Your nephew sounds like he’s well on his way to being a future sociopathic criminal and your sibling is only paving that way.
In any case, after that particular demonstration of his personality, I would never allow that kid back in my house or around my kids unless there is proof that he’s sorry and has changed (getting a job, offering to pay for his damage, a spontaneous unforced apology, etc.)” lejosdecasa
15. AITJ For Kicking Out My Friend For Bringing Meat Into My Home?
“I (29F) have been friends with Jane (29F) for most of my life. She is like a sister to me. Jane is not vegan but my family and I are.
My mother is especially strict about animal products being brought into the house and I share her values. This has never been an issue and Jane and her family have always been accommodating and mindful of this. Obviously, Jane was welcome to wear whichever clothes she wanted in our home but my mom asked that if she wanted to eat at ours, she eat our meals or bring snacks that were free of animal products.
This was never an issue.
Fast forward to last weekend. Jane has recently started going out with Brian (34M). They live about three hours away from me so I offered to host them for the weekend. They arrived late on Friday and I had already cooked and had dinner ready.
They both seemed happy with the food. However, the morning after, I woke up and they were gone. I message Jane and she tells me they left to get groceries. I thought it was a little weird since my fridge was packed but didn’t question it.
When they came back I see that they have brought beef burgers and expected to be able to cook them for lunch. I was a bit surprised and asked Jane if she had forgotten about my rule. She sheepishly admits that no, she hadn’t.
She just didn’t think I would mind this one time. Brian is one big question mark.
I thought about dropping it but it made me uncomfortable. Not just because I don’t like the food myself but because she went behind my back and put me in an awkward position with her new partner.
I pulled her aside and told her as much and she begged me to drop it. Turns out she hadn’t told Brian about my boundaries on this because ‘they are embarrassing’. I reiterated that the boundaries were still in place and kindly asked her to not cook the food in my home.
I offered to go out and get plant-based burgers instead but she doubled down and called me a weirdo and stuck up. This was a shock to me because never in my 20+ years of knowing her has she ever mentioned this being an issue and tbh her words hurt.
I told her to please pack her stuff and leave.
She stormed off and told Brian they were leaving. She later texted me calling me a jerk for embarrassing her. Brian, bless his heart, had absolutely no idea about what was going on.
I don’t blame him for bringing the food into my house but Jane should’ve known better.
I feel bad about the fight. I know my rules are not conventional and likely feel strange and inconvenient to those who have different dietary requirements.
With that said, no one is forced to stay at my house and my boundaries are clear. I don’t know if I should’ve dropped this or not.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I do just want to introduce another potential aspect of this situation that no one seems to have brought up yet.
How much do you know about this Brian? Have you ever met him before? What do you know about their relationship?
Because my first thought was that there might be some serious red flags with Brian. If Jane has respected your household rules with no issues for nearly three decades and suddenly brings meat for Brian, then logic would tell us that Brian is the problem since he is the only change to the situation.
Maybe he’s the type to get violent or angry when told he can’t have something, and Jane decided it would be easier to annoy you rather than him because of the potential emotional or physical consequences of saying no to him.
I’m not saying that Jane is definitely in an abusive or unhealthy relationship or it’s unquestionably Brian’s fault. But I think anyone who has seen a friend slowly become a different person after being with a guy who seemed perfectly charming on the outside but was a monster underneath, if you really care about Jane you should at least consider this possibility and try to have a one on one conversation about it with her before you write her off completely.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s not your friend. She thinks ill of you and pretended to respect your rules while all along looking at the rules with mockery. She values what Brian wants and prefers to please him. She’s embarrassed by you and couldn’t even tell him something as simple as you’re vegan and no animal products allowed. Ditch this two-faced ‘friend.'” tootsweete
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It’s your home, and you are entitled to put whatever rules you like in place. This one doesn’t seem unreasonable to me if the entire household is vegan and all of the people that live there are happy enough with it.
She knew your rule, all she had to do was tell her partner that you were vegan and that you didn’t allow animal-based foods in your home, it was then their choice to decide if they wanted to stay with you and abide by your request, or stay elsewhere.
Personally, I would be making this my hill to die on and wouldn’t reach out to her. Let her come back to you with an apology if she wants the friendship to be saved.” Sunflower_dream85
14. AITJ For Refusing To Let My Husband's Sister-In-Law Near My Child?
“On mother’s day last year, SIL (husband’s stepbrother’s wife) brought up to me why I didn’t get my child into special needs classes and that I was a bad mom for not doing it.
I was stunned and said that he doesn’t need to be in those classes. (She started working in those types of classes 2 months prior).
I was hurt and just let it go as inexperience and I feel bad as she can’t have kids.
My MIL (not SIL’s mom) whose been in the same field ( 20+ years) was upset too. Especially after SIL went up to MIL and told her I was a bad mother for not getting him into those classes.
My MIL and husband are on my side but my husband’s dad and stepmother think we are being cruel since she can’t have kids but I don’t want her filling my son’s head with things that are not wrong with him.
For additional context, if our doctor or other family members thought something was wrong he’d be in the classes he needs but they all say he’s progressing normally and SIL is loony.
So AITJ for not letting her around our child anymore.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s a touchy subject, that my wife has experience with in a professional setting. She works with developmentally delayed kids, but isn’t qualified to make a diagnosis, just do treatment. From what she tells me when they see signs of something, they ask the parent if they’ve talked about it with their pediatrician, as a sort of hint that, you need to talk about this with your pediatrician.
Once there’s a diagnosis, doors open for qualifying for things.
But that’s in a professional setting. She’d never even do that in a non-professional setting, unsolicited, let alone jump straight to saying a kid needs this or that.” Cometguy7
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, her calling you a bad mother was not a professional remark. Even if she had a leg to stand on, like you had asked for professional advice from her, that was a personal attack. And she didn’t just say it to you, she walked around to bad mouth you to other people perhaps in the hopes of getting flying monkeys to also treat you like dirt.
This is a parenting and marital decision, your in-laws should not feel comfortable intruding here, firmer boundaries and distance need to be set with them, and sister-in-law should no longer be around your immediate family at all.” JCBashBash
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, not only is she not qualified to make that kind of judgment but she could actually lose her job for telling a parent their child needs a specific type of treatment/classroom. Those decisions are left to a team that includes doctors, specialists, etc. That’s day one stuff of starting a degree in education.
You could inform her of this and ask if you should check with her employer on what promises she is authorized to make.” Big_Tap3530
13. AITJ For Not Wanting To Rebuild My Relationship With My Mom?
“When I was very young I was a complete momma’s boy, we lived in an area without a lot of kids and I was mostly just at home. Up until around age 6 we would do activities together, go to plays at the local school, go to the community pool in summer, once she even surprised my classmates and me with cupcakes at my school.
When I was 7 she had a heart attack, she survived, with no permanent damage aside from having a stint installed. However, it led to a serious addiction. Any pills she could get she would, she stole from my family, and she stole my painkillers after my tonsil surgery.
She stole over $10k from me, my entire college fund, she really ruined my faith in her.
She would take the pills and be so far gone that in high school I came home in tears from bullying, and she laughed at me.
It also caused seizures whenever she went too long without a fix.
She pretends to be clean now (she’s lying, I have proof, but she refuses to admit it regardless), she wants us all to ‘be a real family again’ but I was very blunt with her that I did not intend to put more effort into this after I spent over a decade trying to help her.
She cried, my dad and sister are both calling me a monster over this (mind you they both had jobs and ways to get away from her, even going so far as sleeping in other buildings).
I explained that rebuilding my trust is on HER, and I cannot do it for her, and that I honestly doubt she can even do it herself.
That I love my mom, but I can’t stand seeing her, I can’t stand the way she acts like she did nothing wrong. I can’t stand her denying that her actions made me have to learn to wake up five times a night to make sure she was breathing and not on fire (she’d fall asleep with a lit smoke, or turn on the stovetop and go to bed).
My family says I am petty and have ‘no right’ to hold these things against her and call me a jerk for it. So am I?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You experienced trauma from her addiction and resulting parenting. That’s unfortunate and I hope you go to therapy to help you with that.
You are establishing boundaries with her – I want to interact with you when you are clean/sober. If you aren’t, then that’s your choice and the consequence is I won’t be seeing you.
Protect yourself and your mental health and well-being above all else.” Rohini_rambles
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I know from experience that addicts have a talent for manipulation and gaslighting. You know the way you were treated was wrong, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for the boundaries you were made to create.
It sounds like both of your parents are equally toxic in different ways, so your dad/sibling’s opinions on the subject shouldn’t be considered any more valid than your mom’s, to be honest.
You have no obligation to have a relationship with any of them, let alone attempt to fix whatever is left of one.
That is on them, and if they’re mad at you just for holding firm on your boundaries it doesn’t sound like they’re planning to do the work anytime soon. If you have the ability to see a therapist or social worker, I would recommend trying.
These kinds of familial issues going back to childhood tend to really germinate in our subconscious if not properly dealt with.” dohbriste
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you’re sure that she’s currently lying there’s no basis for even beginning to rebuild a relationship, even before considering her past hurtful actions.
It is understandable that you do not want to continue to put effort into a relationship with someone who has repeatedly hurt you and shown that they are not capable of being a supportive and trustworthy parent. It is also understandable that you have lost trust in your mother and do not believe that she can rebuild that trust on her own.
It is your decision to make and you have every right to choose not to continue a relationship with someone who has caused you so much harm.” PlannedAdolescence
12. AITJ For How I Made My Will?
“I am in my late 50s and recently found out I have cancer. I have brain mets and things aren’t looking too good.
I am taking care of my affair and estate planning when this happened.
I am single. I have no kids and no long-term relationships. My parents died when I was young and the only surviving family I have are my aunt/uncle, two sisters, and their kids.
I am pretty well off. I started in construction and have a very successful construction business. I am leaving pretty much everything split between my family.
I split a part of the estate to my aunt and uncle who are both in their late 70s.
They don’t have any kids and I would like to leave something for them to live comfortably.
The remaining money I have split equally between my sisters and their kids (4 in total). My sisters are in their late 40s. Given our age difference and the early death of our parents, our relationship was a mix of sister/brother and sister/father.
I was doing a lot of things our parents would do when they were growing up. I am very close to them.
The problem my BILs had was the way I structured the money. I have the money invested in a long-standing trust fund.
All 6 of them will receive $1 for every $1 they earn. This would essentially double their income. Any remaining money will be available to them after they reach 65 years of age. They also have the option to not use any money and let the investments continue till they retire.
Alternatively, if they don’t work, they will get no money till they are 65 years old.
My nieces and nephews have either started working or are in their final year of college.
My reasoning is that I want them to be self-sufficient.
I don’t want them to rely on this money or get lost in the sudden influx of wealth.
I had a recent sit down with the family to explain things. I didn’t want to leave any bitter feelings or cause fights over money after my death.
Everyone seemed pretty accepting until I got a bunch of angry calls and messages from my brothers-in-law. Both of them were calling me a control freak trying to tell their kids and wives how to live their lives.
I am a bit shocked. I didn’t really have such an intention.
Am I being a controlling jerk?
Edit 1: I am leaving absolutely nothing for both brothers-in-law. Only for 8 people (2 sisters, 4 nephew/nieces, 1 aunt, 1 uncle)
I paid for a large chunk of my niece/nephew’s education expenses. I have also offered to pay for any additional schooling, but they are not interested in that.
Two of them have already finished college and are working, the other two are in their final year.
My sisters are well off financially and make close to $100 K a year, they don’t need the extra money.
I have provisions to pay for health care expenses and insurance deductibles if needed.
In the event anyone dies before the age of 65, their portion gets donated to two charities. One for firefighters with disability and another for veterans. My two cousins (uncle/aunt’s kids) both died in the line of duty of those professions.
I was pretty close to them.
My Sisters and Nephews/Nieces do not have any issues with this. They are just grateful and more focused on supporting me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What you choose to do with your money after you pass is up to you.
Your BILs sound greedy.
But, to play devil’s advocate for a moment, I would also like to point out that this means the more they’re financially struggling, the less they’ll get.
Take 2020 for an example, a lot of people lost their jobs due to something they had no control over.
Not working isn’t always an indication of laziness. And if your intention is to help out your sisters and nieces/nephews, you might want to add some contingency clauses or exception clauses.” GlassSandwich9315
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s your money.
You get to do what you want with it. Anyone who complains (not criticizes… complains) is a jerk.
But dude… the terms of your trust. No control until they’re 65? Dude… you’re not gonna make it to 65. Want to buy a house?
Sure. Here’s a 30-year mortgage instead of a paid-off property (assuming they managed to save a down payment). Medical emergency? No dice… it’s pay-to-play… one dollar for every dollar earned.
Obviously, I don’t know the details or any special provisions the trust might have, but on the face of it, your terms seem excessively restrictive.
You also noted that your niblings are either working or finishing college. They’re already adults. A generous reading of your BIL’s complaint/criticism (I don’t know which category to file it under) is he sees his kids starting their lives, possibly with a huge debt load, and insane housing prices, and here’s uncle Warbucks talking some extreme Boomer stuff about ‘earning your way’ or ‘being responsible’.
The world has changed. And it seems to be changing faster. And I do applaud your desire to help and protect the people you love. But I also think a little more faith in the ability of people to make responsible decisions based on their own life experiences wouldn’t go amiss.
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with these things so young yourself. I hope the rest of your journey is peaceful, and things get resolved well.
God bless, and Godspeed…” thebadgersanus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
No one is entitled to your money in the event of your death – they are lucky to have someone who cared enough to provide for them and give them an opportunity to increase their income.
Asking them to be self-sustaining isn’t a huge barrier unless there are any disabilities that would preclude them from working, which it doesn’t sound like there are.
So sorry about your diagnosis and I hope your BILs can set their own egos aside and support you right now.” rigbyskeeper
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s your money and your decision. I would recommend one small change though. Make it so that they can have enough dispersed to cover tuition and on-campus living costs, or some of their means to cover housing and books, for the nieces and nephews.
It’s pretty difficult to make enough money to cover college costs and attend school full-time, especially as those costs have skyrocketed. It would be a better use of your money for them not to have to take out loans and it would give them a lot more options for schooling in the long run.
As someone who has disabling injuries caused by an intoxicated driver who hit me, it might be reasonable to create a disability clause, at least for the kids, the 40-something siblings should be fine in that situation since they’re married and well into careers presumably with disability insurance, etc.
Those are the only things I’m thinking you might have overlooked. Talk to your attorney again about how to structure clauses that cover college or tech school costs and make allowances that one or more might want to attend graduate school too.
Personally, I’d rather see them get a good start and get into the careers they want because they had that support through school than have them take any job they hate and count on the trust payments doubling their income.” Agreeable_Doubt_4504
11. AITJ For Demanding That The Coach Stops Benching My Son?
“My (32F) son (8M, almost 9) plays baseball in a team with other kids his age. They have weekly practices and occasional games with other teams. He had fun during practices at first but the reality is that he is really bad.
The coach tried to help him but he totally failed. Now they mostly let him play by himself with a ball during practices so he doesn’t slow down everyone else. He has never played during a game a single time in the 10 months he has been part of this team.
The issue is that my son doesn’t seem to care about any of this and it is not because he doesn’t care about the sport itself. He loves baseball. He loves going to every practice, and never misses a single one.
He gets crazy excited every time they play a game. He cheers for his team from the bench as the biggest fan.
I don’t like any of this at all, I feel he is developing a real loser mentality. I want to demand that the coach let him play and if he doesn’t I want to move him to a different team where they can help him be better.
My husband thinks that as long as our kid is happy, there is no issue, and doesn’t think we should do anything.
My son clearly does not want me to complain at all. He says he knows he is bad and does not want to damage the team playing during a game.
He also does not want to change teams and says he already has friends on this team but I have my doubts about that. I have never seen the other kids being too friendly with him, they mostly just ignore him.
My strong and insistent position about the need to change this situation here became a source of conflict with my husband.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s like signing him up for a summer camp where they teach you skills but when you show up your kid is happy but playing alone in a sandbox.
Sure they had fun but they didn’t get the actual experience. Plus it’s just a disservice to the kid. I played pee wee football and every kid starts off terribly. If they refuse to teach him and instead just let him be there and do nothing it’s not letting him actually experience it.
It’d be one thing if they let him practice as normal and taught him skills but didn’t let him play as he was learning, which is not only fine but to be expected. But it sounds like they wrote him off as a trash player and are doing the bare minimum to teach him.” dabbers4123
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
So literally no one… not your son, not your husband… wants you to interfere. But for whatever reason, you feel as though you need to step in and make the coach do something your son doesn’t want to do.
That’s both selfish and self-serving. You’re robbing your son of an experience he enjoys because it isn’t happening the way you feel it should. Maybe you should go find a hobby.” niennabobenna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You are presumably paying for your child to play the game – not being left to amuse himself during practice and play cheerleader during the actual games.
I doubt this is a competitive league either because otherwise, they would have checked if he could play before accepting him, and non-competitive leagues at this age are normally centered around giving every child a chance to play regardless of talent.
It’s great he’s having a good time and I disagree with your point about loser mentality, but the coach needs to put him in the game sometimes.” 0biterdicta
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your son is fine and enjoying himself. It’s a you problem.
Apparently, his happiness doesn’t matter to you. Get therapy before he needs to.
In the meantime, you could just try to get him some help outside of the team. Maybe the coach is bad at coaching the very basics or there is some other dynamic at play and he needs a different approach but he already established bonds so let him stay.
There’s no guarantee that he’ll be any better playing on another team but he sure will miss his team and not be as happy.
Being responsible for losing games will do nothing for him or the team, quite the opposite, so why the fixation with him playing if he’s admittedly ‘bad’?
Besides, he’s only 8! Relax! Some people are late bloomers. Back off and let him breathe and he just might surprise you.” FreakCell
10. AITJ For Not Wanting To Rebuild My Relationship With My Sister?
“My two sisters and I (F) come from a bad household. Let’s say my parents were not very nice people and you can understand the rest. When my older sister turned 18 she left and disappeared. I was 12 and my other sister was 7 when she left. She left and never looked back, as the first time we had contact again I was 19 years old.
I am 21 now and we barely have any relationship.
We met by coincidence last week. We sat down and talked a little. She started being sentimental and reminiscing about our childhood and then she wondered how did we end up like this, basically strangers.
I was kind of annoyed and told her ‘Maybe you leaving me and not having any contact for almost 10 years is a starting point’. She said that she had no choice, she had to get out of our situation. I told her I do not have any problem with her leaving and I do not blame her for that.
it is not her fault. But I do not understand the complete no contact for all these years. She apologized and asked me if we can try to rebuild our relationship again. I refused and told her that you can not just forget that you had a sister for like 10 years and then say let’s try to be sisters again and that she can try with our youngest sister if she wants, but for me, this ship has sailed and I stopped having an older sister years ago.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. At 18, she did what she needed to for her own health and well-being, and, as you said, you don’t blame her for that, as for no communication in that time, she may have felt like she couldn’t… like contacting you would bring her back into your parents’ orbit and thus risk becoming a victim to them again.
That said, you’re right that it’s simply too little, too late for a sisterly relationship. Would you be open to maybe building a different type of relationship with her (friends, light friends, something that maintains contact but isn’t sisterly and doesn’t bring up the past anymore)?
If so, offer that as a compromise. If not, you’ve met and gotten some measure of closure and can just move forward separately while wishing each other well.” ProfPlumDidIt
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you are being dishonest with yourself in saying you don’t blame her for getting out.
You can understand why she left and didn’t want to risk getting pulled back in and still be resentful that she left you and your younger sibling behind in that atmosphere, that’s a totally reasonable thing to feel and you should probably stop denying it for your own health.
This doesn’t mean you have to forgive her and reconnect, but it’s not healthy to deny your own feelings when that’s clearly what you’re expressing.” FrauSophia
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Imagine running from a household the minute you were legally able to, but most likely not financially or mentally equipped to handle the situation.
She was probably struggling on so many levels. She may have been afraid that should she try to contact you, she would have to do so through your parents. During that absence, she probably had survivor’s guilt for leaving you two behind.
She was probably also afraid of what she might find. She may have gotten to a place where she has learned to live with her decision and not beat herself up over it. She should not be punished for it if she has.” holisarcasm
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but you probably need to re-evaluate your decision. You understand the situation, but she was wrong and just made a bad decision where you and your sister were concerned. Being older, she regrets it and apologized. You seem to still be hurt and feel abandoned at that time by your sister.
Completely understandable, but children raised that way, don’t make good decisions when trying to escape.
Life is a long time, and it sounds like your sister wants to reconnect with the good parts of her family, you and your sister.
She was young, dumb, traumatized, and didn’t make the right decision. Being away from the situation, she probably grew and recognized her mistake in not keeping in contact with you and your sister. Go to family counseling and maybe develop that relationship and forgive her.
It will help you as well.” Embarrassed-Rise-473
9. AITJ For Having No Desire To Pay For A Trip My Family Wants Me To Go On?
“My (25f) sister (32f) moved to NYC from Europe a bit over a year ago. I have visited her twice already, but my mom (59f) has not.
My plans for next year were to go to Korea for 2 weeks in April to celebrate a friend’s birthday, I’ve already saved up for that and I already started planning. Now my mom comes in: she wants to go to NYC in April, during the same 2 weeks I wanted to go to Korea.
My sister said she was cool with that, she’d just have to work for 3 days during those 10 days my mom would visit, meaning she’d still have enough time to show my mom around. My mom said though, she’d only go if I come too.
Which I kind of understand because she barely ever flies (never has on her own) and her English isn’t the greatest. I told her that I already have other plans.
2 days later, my sister called me and said I’m a horrible daughter and sister for ruining their plans since my mom won’t fly alone.
So I go talk to my mom and say that I will come with her, if she pays for my flight which, trust me, she could easily afford. She said that I already saved money for traveling next year so I should just use that.
I see where she’s coming from but I don’t want to spend that saved-up money on a trip I don’t want to go on if that makes sense. And I also don’t want to let them guilt trip me into spending it on that.
It’s my last year of uni so I won’t have a whole lot of opportunities to travel freely like that anymore. I told them we could go in the summer since I’d still have my whole summer break and I know my mom already took almost all of July off, but she said she doesn’t wanna do a city trip when it’s too hot.
So WIBTJ if I just did my own thing? Or should I just spend my money on what they want and hope for another opportunity to go to Korea some other time?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If you are imperative to this plan, it needs to be built around your availability.
You are not available then. If it’s a trip you wouldn’t be going on otherwise, you shouldn’t have to pay your way either. This isn’t a situation where the three of you decided on a visit.
You just got dragged into this so honestly, how dare they expect you to just drop everything? And to pay for it too? Give me a break!” Due_Fix_3900
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, If your mum is nervous and can’t fly without you then basically you would be going as her companion/carer and not because you want to go and spend that money.
Therefore, timing has to fit your schedule as well as hers and your sister’s, and to give at least half the airfare, if not all of it. Certainly telling you to cancel the trip you already planned is not it.
Do not allow your sister to call you names. End call when she name calls. There should be no disrespect and tell her you will not be helping your mother if she speaks to you like that.” Which_Pudding_4332
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like your mother is an adult and can manage a flight on her own if she wants to. You are also a reasonable adult who has saved and made plans for your own trip. Neither your sister nor your mother is entitled to your savings or time.
Tell your mother no, your sister to mind her own business, and go to Korea.
NTJ for being your own adult.” Particular_Elk3022
8. WIBTJ If I Change My Lock Without Informing My Landlord?
“I (25F) recently moved into a house share with 4 other guys. All fine and dandy, but our landlord keeps dropping in unannounced and letting himself into the house.
Our contract states he should give at least a 24-hour warning, but, when I brought this up to him, he said he was in the area and took the opportunity to check on the house. He also said that none of the men in the house were complaining as if I was blowing it out of proportion.
The last time he was here, he let himself into my room while I was at work and moved some furniture and items around. I could tell that my drawers had also been opened. I asked him to please not come into my room while I was out again, and he said it was his house and he had every right to inspect it.
I find it so intrusive and don’t want him coming into my room without my permission. As far as I know, nothing is missing and I never leave any precious jewelry in my room, but I still don’t like that he can just let himself in whenever.
One of my friends suggested changing the lock to my room (multiple times, if necessary) without telling the landlord, so I was thinking of doing that. I’d obviously put back the original lock before moving out. I can’t afford to move until February, so that’s not an option at the moment (but I’ll be out of here as soon as I can).
WIBTJ? (Advice is also welcome!)
ETA for clarity: the lock in question is to my personal room, not the whole house.
Update: I realized how much gaslighting was at play here. I 100% thought I was overreacting and being a jerk, but I can see now that this is a bigger issue.
I have ordered a nanny cam and locks for my drawers and closet but will leave the door as is for now. I’m speaking with the relevant entity here in my country but it’ll likely take some time.”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t know if you are allowed to change the locks. You may be paying for the right to live there, but it isn’t your property. If you changed the locks and didn’t tell them, I wouldn’t be surprised if the landlord would be entitled to having you evicted and charging you to ‘replace’ the locks again.
With that being said, I’m positive there are alternatives out there for you. Your landlord is not entitled to enter your place of residence when you are not there digging around in your private property.
Someone more knowledgeable than me can probably send you in the right direction to who you can contact to file an official complaint.
NTJ
Edit: My mother ran an apartment complex in Colorado for years. According to her you are not entitled to changing the locks and could easily get you evicted and probably charged for replacing the locks again.
She also said that what he’s doing is illegal and recommends you put up some hidden cameras so you can collect evidence to back up your complaint.” Touch-Me-There
Another User Comments:
“You know, I’m not actually sure what the law is regarding interior locks in a shared rental house situation. Generally, it’s not legal for a tenant to change locks without providing a key to the landlord/property manager.
But I’m not sure if that only applies to entry doors or if it extends to interior doors as well. Your landlord isn’t just violating your lease though, he’s violating the law, and you do have legal recourse.
He does not have the right to enter without proper notice, and he most certainly does not have the right to rifle through your private effects. In the meantime, you should probably set up a hidden webcam in your room and record any malfeasance on his part.
That may be valuable evidence later on. NTJ.” VerendusAudeo
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But also potentially illegal. It’s your landlord’s home, he’s got a right to enter it.
You deserve notice prior to their entering. You should also get a motion-activated security camera for your room that you can turn on when you’re not there.
From the sound of it, your landlord is invading your privacy.
You need to talk to your roommates and get clarification on whether they’ve noticed this increase since you moved in, and whether their belongings had been inspected.” dublos
7. AITJ For Trying To Help My Daughter Eat Healthy?
“I am a mom of two beautiful children. My youngest, Paige, just entered her freshman year. She is normally a very happy girl but lately, Paige has dreaded going to school and has even begged me not to go. No matter how many times I asked, she would not tell me why she hated school.
I asked Eliza, who is a sophomore, to find out why Paige does not want to go to school. She did, and it turns out that Paige has been getting bullied at school and her peers have called her fat.
Now, Paige is not a fat girl. She is very athletic and plays tons of sports. But she is a bit on the chubbier side.
Since Paige wouldn’t come to me about the issue, I figured I should not say anything to her about it.
But I did decide that I could still be helpful by making healthier meals at home. I stopped picking up unhealthy, processed foods at the grocery store and instead stocked up on vegetables and whole foods.
Now here’s where I may be the jerk: Paige asked me to pick up Oreos on my next trip to the store and I finally broke and told her that instead of turning to food, she could talk to me.
Paige stormed upstairs and slammed her door. Even Eliza was upset with me.
It may have come out the wrong way, but I really didn’t mean anything wrong by that. I just meant I am her mom and she can always come to me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You say you have no concerns because Paige is athletic and plays ‘tons of sports’. Then you decide to cut out household junk and start eating healthier as a family. This is great. All positive stuff.
But then Paige makes a (perfectly normal) request and you accuse her of ‘turning to food’. Turning to food because she had a bit of a sugar craving for an Oreo. Was she going to binge eat an entire pack?
Do you feel she emotionally eats? Do you feel this is a problem she has? Because you started out your story by saying that she was into sports and there were no worries there. So what put the emotional eating idea in your head?
Mostly though YTJ for not talking to Paige about ANY OF THIS. She could be struggling with a subject, a teacher, or a crush. Her SISTER said it was bullying about her weight. Yet apart from your disparaging remark about ‘turning to food’, you haven’t spoken to Paige at all.” StellarManatee
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your daughter is being bullied about her weight. Instead of approaching the issue as the problem is the bullying you are approaching it as if the problem is her size.
Your child doesn’t even sound overweight – she just sounds bigger than you.
She’s an athlete and has a different body shape. She’s also going through puberty. But even if she was morbidly obese you don’t approach weight concerns by subterfuge dieting.
I’ve seen what happens when ‘well-meaning’ parents do what you do.
It led to lifelong food issues. It leads to daughters not having a strong relationship with their mothers.
By not approaching the issue directly you are indirectly giving the message that the bullies are right. She’s being told from all sides, including by you, that her weight is a problem.
Her weight is NOT the problem here. You should be teaching her to find pride and self-worth even when others try to bring her down. You should be building up her confidence.
You are her mother. You need to be her biggest advocate.
You may not agree with their methods but you agree with her bullies’ overall message. You have to do better.” EmpressJainaSolo
Another User Comments:
“Gently, YTJ. And gently only because you didn’t intend to do damage. Although you certainly did.
Trying to make everyone in the family healthier is good. Provided that it isn’t targeted at just her.
But. You just effectively told the one daughter that her sister shared private information with you. You decided that she has an eating disorder manifesting itself as emotional eating.
You told her that in an unsupportive manner; in a way that might actually precipitate an eating disorder.
And good luck getting the older daughter to share information with you in the future.
AND. You ignored that bullying is not ok!
Would you have reacted differently if the bullying was because she was short or tall?” tropicaldiver
6. AITJ For Disregarding My Grandma's Requests?
“I (27 F) lost my dad unexpectedly in July 2022 while he was at work at his 50th birthday celebration.
I took it upon myself to step up and take care of the arrangements for my dad because 2 of my sisters lived in different cities, one wasn’t too young, and the other was cooperative it was just easier this way.
From the beginning, I always included my grandmother and my aunt (his sister) in all arrangements made for the memorial. Some of their requests were pretty over the line.
My grandma called me and requested that she, my aunt, my aunt’s husband, and their 3 children all be listed on the obituary before my sisters, their children, and myself because they said they were my dad’s ‘most immediate family’ and deserve to be listed first. We compromised and put that my dad was born to my grandma in the very first line of the obituary but it was her request or nothing.
My aunt messaged me saying how she was so hurt because she felt left out of her brother’s funeral because she was put last and didn’t get anything that belonged to my dad and started making remarks to me that my 2 oldest sisters shouldn’t have gotten anything or been making/helping with my dad’s arrangements to begin with because they ‘aren’t even his real daughters’.
When we finished separating our dad’s stuff I called and asked my grandma to send us her address to send my dad’s stuff to her. She told us to send her everything that belonged to him. Clothes, shoes, records, everything.
Before we even started splitting anything, she insisted on a family member picking up everything and driving it all to Dallas themselves. We told her we wouldn’t give it to them but would be happy to overnight it all.
It just seemed suspicious to us she wanted it this way. When I said that she responded with ‘What are you talking about? I never asked you to send me anything!’
I snapped and told them how I was overwhelmed because I’m doing everything I can to make everyone happy and especially keep both of them involved in the funeral like they wanted but no matter what I did they were never happy.
They kept throwing around the excuses ‘I lost my brother.’ ‘I lost my son.’
After that phone call my grandma went and told one of my sisters how I was so disrespectful and yelled at her and she never wants to speak to me again.
I explained to them what exactly happened on the phone call and knowing our dad’s side of the family she believed me. I also told her ‘I have been nothing but respectful to her and kept them involved in everything like she wanted. If she wants to gaslight me and go around telling everyone this story all because I didn’t want to make them the center of attention at dad’s funeral she can go ahead.
If she passed away tomorrow, god forbid, I would have no regrets if she never spoke to me again because I did nothing wrong’. So AITJ?
Edit: I also had been to 5 funerals between August 2021 and July 2022, having planned one of them.
I lost my uncle and aunt who were also my godparents, my stepdad, his sister, then my father. My mental health was absolutely destroyed and no one except my amazing mother checked on me but I hid it because I wanted everyone to focus on my dad and I wanted to give him the memorial he deserved.
Among other things that were requested and done was my grandma requested a special thank you to be put on the obituary for one cousin saying she was close to my dad when they were younger and when I said we should put my dad’s 2 childhood best friends on there too, who we’ve considered uncles our whole lives, she said no. Only the cousin should get the thank you.
Which made no sense because this cousin was never close to my dad and hadn’t been around him in years.
My aunt and grandma wouldn’t send any pictures to me of my dad with any other family members when I’d ask.
My aunt even tried to have me put pictures of just her kids in my dad’s memorial video.
My grandmother also started telling family members they can get urn jewelry and that we would put my dad’s ashes in all of them without talking to us first. She took it upon herself to decide she would get to keep my dad’s ashes and it made me uncomfortable that she was splitting him up like that and just offering my dad’s ashes to random family members or family members we felt didn’t deserve them.
I also found out my grandma was telling everyone a different story about how my dad died. She was telling everyone that she was the only person with my dad when he died and pretty much made herself the center of attention when in fact it was my younger sister and her partner who were with my dad when he died and my sister’s partner actually caught my dad when he collapsed. My grandma only went to the hospital after my sister called her after she called my other sisters and me and I had to clear that up with a lot of family members.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A mum should never have to outlive her son, but your grandma can’t go around demanding empathy while giving none back.
You’re quite young to be dealing with all this. Most people won’t have to deal with inheritances and funerals until they’re older.
From the looks of it, you’re doing a very good job.
If your grandma and aunt keep trying to emotionally manipulate you, just tell them ‘that’s not what dad would want’.
Keep going at it, and if you need to ignore your grandmother and aunt for the sake of your mental health, please do.
A big hug to you OP.” thecarpetbug
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your grandmother and aunt seem self-centered. Also, immediate family is your spouse and kids, your parents and siblings cease to be your immediate family when you start your own family nucleus.
You did nothing wrong, and unless there was a will from your father leaving things to his mother, that property most likely ACTUALLY belongs to his children NOT his mother.” Oxfordcomma42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You lost your father and you’re trying your best to juggle everyone’s requests and demands.
Where’s everyone’s compassion and grace and empathy for YOUR loss?
People say that when people die, we see the worst come out of everyone. People’s greed, envy, hatred, jealousy, etc all come out. Looks like this is the case.
You continue to do the best you can and that is more than enough.
Honor your dad the best you can and that’s all you need to worry about. Sorry for your loss.” archetyping101
5. AITJ For Refusing To Watch A TV Show My Dad Really Wants Me To Watch?
“I (F23) am a recently graduated 6th-grade teacher. I’ll preface this by saying I am still living at home with my parents (51M and 51F) to help save money for the time being.
Last year was my first year teaching at an elementary school (I taught first grade), and I would describe it as the biggest misery on earth.
My boss was verbally abusive, and she gave me negative evaluations for the most ridiculous reasons (Ex. A kid spelled cut like kut, I had kids count the number of red and white stripes on the American flag during our social studies lesson and had them practice adding them since we were learning addition).
It was my first ever job and I didn’t know how to advocate for myself. Everyone at my school was having such a bad time with our bosses that the transfer list had to be capped to one person per grade level, and all of my admin was replaced at the end of the year with an entirely new staff.
For me, the school year was so bad for my mental health that, without getting too specific, I had to be put on medical leave for 2 months, was temporarily restricted from using a vehicle, and was required to see a therapist.
I wanted to give up teaching entirely, but I decided to try one more year at a new district and a new grade level, and I have fallen in love with it. I’m so much happier now than I was before.
The problem here comes from my father. Around June, he started hounding me to watch a show called Abbott Elementary. He thought it would be something I enjoyed because he thought I could relate to the teacher’s struggles.
I refused. I told him I did not want to watch it after what I went through at my old elementary school.
I didn’t want to be reminded of it, and I didn’t want to think of work outside of work if I could help it.
He accepted this for a while, but when he saw that I liked my new job in September, he started pressing again.
Every time he asked, I still told him no, that I wasn’t ready to watch it. I didn’t want to see a visible reminder of what I had gone through the last school year. He continued asking at least once a week, no matter how forceful I have been with telling him no.
Tonight, at dinner, we were sitting in the living room with dinner trays and watching TV when he pulls up the show. I stared at him, and he said something along the lines of, ‘Let’s just see if you like it.’
I quickly ate the rest of my food, stood up, and walked out to go to my room. He asked if I was really leaving over a TV show, and I told him I had made it clear to him several times that I did not want to watch it and that I wasn’t going to.
I’m wondering if all of this is just me being extra and if I should have just sat through a few minutes of the thing. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You told him repeatedly for months that you did NOT want to watch it.
He knew how much you struggled your first year as an educator and instead of being empathetic and respecting your boundaries, he is trying to push you into doing what he wants. Even if you do end up liking it, that’s not his call to make.
You said you weren’t interested and he should have left it at that.
And now instead of feeling like it’s fine, you’re questioning whether or not it’s ok to have a boundary. YES, IT IS.
I do also recommend considering therapy to work through your trauma from your first year on the job.
You don’t want it impacting your future as an educator and how you relate to kids etc. And a big thank you for choosing this career. The future depends on people like you.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here.
You had a horrible experience as a first-year teacher at your school. It is understandable that you would like to forget about it and move on.
Your father wanting you to watch this TV show may have been to help you.
I have not watched the show and know nothing about it.
When he watched the TV show, he may have seen that you and the protagonist share common traits and thought that you could benefit from the protagonist’s struggles.” karma_377
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your strong reaction to it is likely a reaction to the trauma you experienced at your previous school. It takes time and effort to recover from trauma like that. You say you were in therapy: I hope you have a therapist that you like and that you continue to go.
Time and better teaching experiences will also help you move forward.
You did a good job enforcing your boundaries. Although it’s unfortunate to have to leave a family meal, sometimes it’s necessary. Probably, your dad thinks that you watching the show will help you heal. It’s ok to say no to that even though he’s trying to help.” EvaTidalWave
Your dad is an overbearing jerk who will not acknowledge boundaries. I know, because mine is exactly the same
4. AITJ For Thinking That Gifts From "Santa" Shouldn't Be Expensive?
“I (29m) have a sister (35f) who has three kids (11m, 9m, 2f) who I absolutely adore and love being their uncle. This year my sister decided their ‘big’ Christmas gifts (a PS5, iPad, etc) are going to be from Santa.
I’m glad my sister is well off enough to provide for her kids but I think it’s wrong for her to say they’re from Santa. My reasoning is that our cousin (33f) can only afford to get her son (8m) 1-2 video games for the system he already has but with the same caveat they’re going to be his ‘Santa’ present.
I feel like what’s going to inevitably happen on Christmas Day is the kids are going to compare gifts as kids always do and our cousins are going to get upset that ‘Santa’ didn’t love them as much as my sister’s kids or they weren’t as high up on the ‘nice list’.
I’ve always thought gifts from Santa should be fun but practical so kids don’t end up feeling bad about themselves. My sister is calling me a jerk for saying she shouldn’t love her kids as much as she wants even though that’s nowhere near what I said.
I just think she should reevaluate telling her kids where the big gifts came from. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your sister can love her kids as much as she wants, and buy them super expensive gifts if that’s within her budget.
But you’re right. This WILL cause conflict among the other kids in the extended family. Gifts by ‘Santa’ should indeed be things that aren’t overly flashy or expensive, precisely because (especially for younger kids who still believe in Santa) it will give the less fortunate ones the impression that they somehow didn’t meet Santa’s expectations.
They were naughty or aren’t liked/loved enough or some other internalized crap.
Your sister should have the expensive gifts come from mom and dad because it’s easier to explain to a kid that Uncle and Aunt are fortunate enough to afford these gifts than it is to explain ‘Santa gave them more expensive gifts because… well I can’t explain this to you without telling you Santa isn’t real.'” Expensive_Plant_9530
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Are the kids all opening gifts together? Because if not, I don’t see what the problem is. And whether or not those gifts were from ‘Santa,’ the end result would be the same: her kids will still end up with more gifts than him.
Which admittedly isn’t great, but is the unfortunate consequence of gift-giving occasions. And be that as it may, that doesn’t mean that you or anyone else gets to dictate who or what Santa is to a specific family.
Santa still brings my brothers and me gifts and we’re in our 30s. It’s none of your business. Let your sister do what she wants.” ouijabore
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ for having this opinion, but YTJ for giving unsolicited parenting advice.
Based on your story the cousin didn’t ask you to intervene, so you’ve also potentially created unnecessary drama and YTJ for that too.
The way each family does Santa is special to them. Your sister potentially spent days/weeks deliberating over how she would do Santa for the first kid, asked friends and coworkers what they do for their kids, and there’s no going back at this point.
I’m not saying your concerns aren’t valid, but if your sister suddenly changes how Santa operates in her house that’s going to raise a lot of questions the kids may not have had yet. There’s potentially more at play here than just rewriting gift tags from her perspective.
You also don’t know how your cousin does Santa. Do you have confirmation she hasn’t had a conversation with her kids to explain why some kids get iPads and others get a coat? If this is an acute change in her finances she might have been setting the stage for weeks that Santa would be different this year.
For all we know you could be creating Santa drama for two families.
If you have kids and do Santa you can have him operate however you see fit.” KittynCorgi
3. AITJ For Not Wanting To Go To My Mother-In-Law's Wedding?
“MIL has hated me from day one. She is a MIL from the underworld, snide comments, ‘oh I was just joking.
You are so sensitive’, excluding me from things, and straight up telling the therapist when we did group therapy that she ‘hates me’.
My husband has a shiny spine and we are very low contact but do still see her since we have mutual family.
MIL recently got engaged to someone she went to high school with. Apparently they really really hated each other which isn’t too surprising. MIL has admitted she was a mean girl in high school (LOL she thinks she is better now).
Anyway someone recently asked them if they were high school sweethearts and MIL was like oh God no we hated each other. The person laughed and MIL said ‘no I mean really hate, like he reenacted the pig’s b***d scene from Carrie.’ I immediately perked up because I need to hear that story.
He quickly clarified it was paint and then unfortunately the conversation moved on.
Later I asked her fiance about it. He said it’s a funny story but he wasn’t going to tell me as he knows how I feel about her and it seems mean.
I pointed out that he is the one who did it, and he is literally still smirking while talking about it. He said that he can laugh at her, but I can’t. Honestly, I was just being playful, batting my eyelashes, asking in a cutesy voice and stuff, but he continued to say no and I let it go.
Well, imagine my shock when I heard through family that he told MIL I was flirting with him. MIL said she wasn’t even going to confront me but did tell her sister to show how ‘pathetic’ I am and because apparently, this is proof that I am the problem.
I immediately confronted her fiance and he said I was being flirty and it would be weird not to tell her.
I am furious. I feel so betrayed. He clearly made something out of nothing, so I said I would not be alone with him under any circumstances.
Well, the other day MIL realized I was serious when she went to take something out of the oven and I followed her into the kitchen (hubby was in the bathroom). MIL called me ridiculous and a child.
I also set a boundary that unless he formally apologizes in front of the family I will not be going to the wedding.
He is refusing, and I guess I feel a little bad about my husband not going if I don’t go, but I have to stick to my boundaries.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You admitted you were acting all cutesy and batting your eyelashes.
You may not be attempting to seduce him but you were flirting in an attempt to manipulate him into gossiping with you. And your reasons for wanting the scoop was because you wanted something to snicker at about MIL. It was purely for malice.
It didn’t work and the fiance rightly told your MIL of what you tried. I’m sure he is relieved you won’t be alone with him. If anyone is owed an apology it is him, you intentionally tried to use him as a way of getting one over on your MIL.
You didn’t care if it would hurt her or put their relationship in tension. MIL might be a mean girl… but you sound like one too.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here – You admit you were flirty in trying to get the story out of him – seems you went overboard with trying to manipulate him into telling you – he saw it as flirting and (as you would expect your husband to do) informed his partner of HIS being uncomfortable with your actions.
Your MIL might be a pistol, but in this case, you are not innocent. (why my ‘everyone sucks here’ vs YTJ). You could tell your hubby the truth – batting your eyes, using a cutesy voice – to try and get him to spill the beans, but you still look bad that you wouldn’t drop it when he said NO multiple times… You should at least tell your hubby to go to the wedding without you to somewhat accept responsibility.” Babsgarcia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you WERE flirting with him by batting your eyelashes and asking (repeatedly) in a cutesy voice. And big surprise, he chose to share that with his fiancée so as to keep everything out in the open and above board.
You should have dropped the whole thing the first time he said no. You chose to pester him and FLIRT with him as a way to get the dirt on MIL so you would have ammunition to hold against her in the future.
He was right not to tell you. You’re just mad cuz you got burned and he wouldn’t dish. Get over yourself. Sounds like MIL has at least some legitimate foundation for her feelings for you.” sheba71smokey32
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. There was no reason for you to fish for that story. I get that you don’t like your MIL, and it seems justified, but you went out of your way to get dirt on her from high school and that is pretty pathetic.
Obviously, your ‘cutesy’ behavior was misinterpreted. You could have set the record straight and moved on instead of putting on a production of grand indignation and demanding a public apology. Why are you so invested in the opinions of people you dislike and actively avoid?
This whole thing is very childish and you do seem like you’re creating problems.” TheRebelArsenal
2. AITJ For Not Disciplining My Daughter?
“My husband’s niece was sitting next to him and when my daughter woke up from her nap and saw she got upset and tried to get in between them.
My husband ended up picking her up but she kept saying no and tried to make her cousin move. Eventually, she started crying as my niece is 4 and she’s 1 and a half so she couldn’t really move her.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law suggested I take my daughter into another room to give both children time to calm down but I said I didn’t feel like it was necessary even though they were still fighting. They kept insisting but I kept saying no and that my husband could handle it.
Eventually, my husband had to take our daughter into another room because she was getting more and more worked up. This caused my niece to start crying too which my sister-in-law blamed me for. She feels like since my daughter was the one technically in the wrong I should’ve intervened and stopped her sooner instead of leaving it all up to my husband.
The reason I didn’t intervene is that he could handle it and because if I took her into another room when she wanted her dad she would’ve cried and he would’ve just followed us anyway.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your daughter got what she wanted (which is to separate your husband from his niece) which teaches her that she can get what she wants by throwing a big enough tantrum, this is just poor parenting.
You should have taken her not your husband so that she doesn’t get what she wants.” Unr3p3nt4ntAH
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You’re talking about a baby and a pre-schooler who is learning about interpersonal relationships and boundaries. Things like this are going to happen. The only possible jerk here is your SIL because she was annoyed when her daughter got upset but none of this should surprise people with small children.
Kids are the epitome of irrationality more often than not. That’s just how they are and sometimes it’s annoying.” PhePheLaFrou
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Nobody needs to leave the room. Your husband has 2 sides. The 2 children can learn to share.
Or, if your husband has some anatomical condition causing him to have only one side, the girls can learn to take turns. If they need to cry some while learning, so be it. Learning can be hard. There is no reason for parents to always prioritize the prevention of crying.
This is a teachable moment wasted.” MrsB_on_Reddit
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, your solution was to watch the two kidlets cry when neither know how to process their emotions instead of intervening and just waiting for your husband to handle it.
You could have taken your daughter to calm her down briefly considering she DID just wake up from a nap, and from seeing my friend’s toddler baby sister wake up from naps I know (sometimes) wake-ups can be randomly emotional because they’re tired.” Top-Passion-1508
1. AITJ For Leaving My Little Brother Home Alone?
“I (19f) live with my dad, stepmom, and my half-brother (9m).
For weeks it was planned that this past Friday night my dad and stepmom were going to her parents’ 40th wedding anniversary at some fancy restaurant. My brother and I weren’t invited cause we’re ‘not adults’. Since I didn’t get an invitation and didn’t wanna be stuck at home with just my brother I decided to make plans myself, and my partner and I planned to go out.
My dad and stepmom wanted me to babysit my brother but like they’ve never paid me to babysit him ever and he’s pretty hyperactive so no thanks. After complaining for a bit they hired a babysitter for him.
So Friday comes around and I’m doing my hair & makeup and all that getting ready for the date. My dad and stepmom had already left for dinner. While I was getting ready I get a call from my stepmom in the car on the way to the restaurant saying that the babysitter canceled and that I’d have to stay home and watch him.
I told her I was sorry but I had plans I didn’t want to cancel. She said it was too late to call anyone and I had to stay. I said I can’t and that I’d be at home for another 40ish minutes (which would be enough time for them to come back home) and they have to be back then to watch him.
She just hung up.
Well, I finished getting ready and even waited another 15 minutes and they weren’t back yet. I texted them I was leaving and left my brother home alone. We live in a nice neighborhood and I’m pretty sure I stayed home alone when I was 10 so I was sure it’d be fine, especially since they didn’t bother to come back home.
Anyways long story short when I came back home they were already home and my stepmom was annoyed that I left my brother home alone. She called me irresponsible and said I didn’t care about family etc. She also told me I’d have to pay for this vase my brother broke.
I feel this is unreasonable since I gave them a warning I was leaving and they had the opportunity to come back but I don’t know. AITJ?
(My grandmother gifted the house to my mom & dad as a wedding gift. When my mom left my dad she gave him the house under the condition I could live there up until I finish grad school if I wanted to.)
EDIT: I only get free housing (not because they choose to but because of a contract my dad signed that he’s forced to comply with). Everything else I pay for myself. and I make my own food & clean up my messes.
I have babysat him plenty of times before.”
Another User Comments:
“You didn’t technically leave the 9-year-old at home, they did. They took a bad bet and it failed. They should have come home instead of trying to strongarm you into it.
You gave them several warnings and waited and waited and waited. OH, and they never hired that babysitter. You were lied to.
NTJ but you do suck a little bit but you were in between a rock and a hard place, you just didn’t make the best call.” blacksyzygy
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
At the point in which the babysitter canceled, your Dad and Step-Mom should have come home to take responsibility for their child. 110%. They are the biggest jerks in this scenario.
However, you left a 9-year-old child on their own, which is really trashy on your part, too.
Especially given you’re 19. You’re an adult, not a child and you should know better than to leave a 9-year-old on their own. There is no excuse for that.
It is your poor brother I feel sorry for.” Such-Quarter278
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… before you actually left. If you have a job, pay for your own food, and have an agreement with the original owner of the house that you can stay, I resent the fact that your/any parents treat older siblings as free childcare.
You have a life too. You shouldn’t have to babysit every time they ask. If they get a sitter and they cancel they can ask you and if you’re up for it you can do it to be nice, but if you have plans I say it’s definitely up to your parents to come home.
That being said, he’s 9. I would have been annoyed if I were you, but I probably would have invited my partner over or something just because your brother should have had someone with him, your fault or not.” girlbrains22
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It’s grossly irresponsible to leave a nine-year-old alone, especially at night, for several hours.
Giving OP’s parents the benefit of the doubt that there actually WAS a babysitter (and I have my doubts) it was their responsibility to arrange care.
They could have gone back home, asked OP to drop him off to them, or attempted to heavily bribe OP to either stay home or take him with her.
Since they decided to drop the ball, you’re still stuck with a nine-year-old who shouldn’t have been left alone.
You could have either dropped him off at the restaurant or taken him with you.” pdeb22
If he says yes then you guys have serious issues coming and you need some come to Jesus conversations. I imagine there will be more issues uncovered. How will his mother influence how you raise your children? How will she control other things in your home?
If fiance says no, then you still need to talk about how to handle her in future debates.
My second thought.
This is just the beginning. What other parts of yourself will you be expected to give up?
Do you really want this woman in your life as long as she is alive?