People Are At Their Wits' End In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
21. AITJ For Wanting To Move Out Despite My Mom's Financial Dependence On Me?
“I (22f) wanted to move out of my mom’s house for years now. I just graduated college and have already started a career making $50k along with a restaurant job on the weekends. I am not too concerned about the affordability aspect as I will have two roommates.
All three of us have wanted to live together since freshman year of college but haven’t gotten the chance because of certain circumstances so I stayed home and worked through college to save money. Here’s where it gets complicated; my mother has known I have wanted to move out for years now and has even helped me do so when I was thinking of moving a few years ago.
However, my mom and dad are divorced and it was quite messy. My dad was abusive, especially to my mom, and made the divorce process unbearable. He would not pay for anything he didn’t legally have to when he knew we couldn’t afford anything.
So she is relying on his child support to pay for the house they bought together. My understanding of this agreement and what my mom has been telling me for years is that the child support stops when me and my brother graduate college, and my brother is set to graduate next year.
When I brought up leaving, she then said that he said he would pay for the house for 4 more years as long as my brother and I stay home, but he’s a notorious liar and narcissist. Living with just my mom is difficult, she’s paranoid, always super negative, and treats me way worse than my brother, and we have a terrible relationship that I don’t see getting any better.
She blames all of the problems we have on me and will not take accountability for anything she has done. She talks to my family about me and tells me they tell her how horrible they think I am to her.
Talking to her is impossible as she will not let me get a word in and she is completely unreasonable. We have tried therapy together, but my mom was extremely uncooperative with the therapist and would have literal meltdowns during our sessions and walk away whenever the therapist gave her any sort of criticism or suggested that she might have been wrong.
There’s a lot more that I could get into, but the gist of it is living with my mother takes a huge toll on my happiness and confidence and makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable. Moving out means there might be a chance that they could lose their house if my dad finds out (no one speaks to him so I don’t anticipate that becoming a reality) or my brother would have to help pay.
My brother and mom both are calling me selfish and a jerk if I move but I just can’t stand living here anymore. I’m depressed and anxious, and my commute to work from here is well over an hour every day.
Am I the jerk for wanting to move out?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, so you’re just supposed to tolerate her attitude and live with her forever? Once Dad stops paying how does she intend to keep up with bills?
Does she even have a plan? This isn’t your problem to solve or figure out. Regardless of the issues y’all have, the commute alone and being an adult who wants independence is reason enough to move out.
Stop discussing it with them and just give them a date you are leaving.” Impossible-Tutor-799
Another User Comments:
“You don’t need so many justifications to state the obvious: you’re an adult, you want and can afford to live independently, and you need to get out for your mental health.
Period. You have no responsibility to any of your family members, and if you now decide on what they need, you are setting a pattern that will be too hard to change in the future. Break the chain of mistreatment and manipulation, and set yourself free to tend to your needs instead.
If I can advise, do not communicate your plans in advance. Secure your most important papers and move out when you feel ready. I hope this means today. Good luck. NTJ.” Artistic_Thought7309
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – your mom has ‘been telling us for years’ about when the child support ends.
What has SHE done to prepare for that time? Sounds like…nothing. Men usually don’t have to pay child support for adult-age children. You have graduated college – he no longer owes support for you. Of course, HE knows that.
You are not selfish for wanting to get started with your own life. Your Mother has done nothing to help herself and your brother is participating in the drama. Move out – and good luck to you.” omeomi24
20. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Half The Value Of My Partner's Car Before Moving In Together?
“Me and my partner are going to be moving in soon and the issue over the car has suddenly come up.
For background, I share a car with my sister and we both get similar amounts of use out of it.
My partner on the other hand owns her car which she bought several years ago.
My partner and I take turns over who drives, and when it is my turn there is rarely an issue with my sister and the car is usually available.
When I moved in with my partner the plan was to swap my insurance with her car and I would split all the ongoing bills with her going forward (while paying in full for my insurance etc. with her).
As such it would be of no additional cost for her to have me insured on the car. Also, as it is her car I would let her know she always has first choice if we both ever needed it at the same time.
And if she ever sold the car she would get to keep all the money.
However, I have just found out that my partner wants to value her car and ask me to pay her half of its current value (which will be several thousand euros).
After which I will be allowed to swap my insurance and split ongoing bills etc. She has brought this up now and we are only a few days away from moving in she has said she would resent me if I got insured on her car and didn’t pay half the value of it.
She mentioned she planned to use the car until the value is nil and therefore I should have to pay her half its current value as she would not be selling it.
From my point of view this seems unreasonable, the only time I drive is when I am with her so if I get insured on her car I will not be adding much mileage and therefore not devaluing her car a lot.
In addition, the apartment we are moving into is only 10 minutes from where I currently live. So I can continue to use the car I share with my sister if needed. So from my perspective, I would just be throwing away thousands of euros unnecessarily.
I feel like what she is asking for is unreasonable. If the roles were reversed not only would I not expect any money from her for the value of the car, I would outright refuse it. And where would the line be drawn, if I brought a TV or couch that I owned to the apartment should I value that and get her to pay as well?
I’m open to being corrected on this because I don’t want it to be a contentious issue in our relationship.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – wow some people reduce a relationship to every cent. I really can’t understand your partner and my mind went to your examples so if you bought a fridge, she should never use it unless she pays half the current value.
I just don’t see a sustainable relationship unless you are prepared to take this approach to finances in the long term. I want to say just continue sharing the car with my sister. Do not drive your partner’s car but I don’t know how you both will navigate something like going on a date using her car as she will probably be resentful that you’re in the car and didn’t pay up.
Do not move in with her until you fully understand your views on this and are prepared for compromises. In my mind, she is completely unreasonable so this would be a red flag but she thinks differently. Also, if you choose to do this then she is making you a 50% equity owner – ensure you have that legally documented. Don’t give her your money without the legality because she wants to be as precise about $ as possible so you do the same.
Honestly, just leave and find someone you’re better suited to.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“This is just the first of many financial decisions you two will be making together if you live together, so it is very important to come up with mutually acceptable rules and principles for finances, purchases, payments for shared property, services, etc., etc., etc. I find her demand that you purchase half the car unreasonable.
Will all property have to be co-owned? (If you ever break up, this will result in massive pain in the butt, BTW.) Even property that was purchased before the marriage? (Even for a married couple this would be pretty unreasonable, let alone two people just starting to live together.) It would make sense to ask you to share the cost of insuring the vehicle, if was going to be the only family car, so to speak, and if you two plan to split all costs as equally as possible.
NTJ. But you and your partner need to figure some very, very important things out ASAP.” Catsbirdshorses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if you guys split in the future, who would own the car? Is she going to buy your half of the car back?
This request is weird. I would keep using the car I share with my sister, and NEVER drive her car again this way there’s no need for you to be in the insurance. If you guys are going somewhere together she should be the one driving.
ETA: the way she is handling this situation is, a major red flag” Regular_Swordfish_85
19. AITJ For Accepting A Lead Role In A Play Despite My Partner's Discomfort?
“I (16, F) have been a part of my school’s theater company since I was in middle school.
Theater means a lot to me, and it’s given me a community of silly, talented, amazing people that make up my core friend group. While they would get all the leads for each show (both at our school and local community theaters), I never got anything higher than an ensemble part or a part with a few lines, and it always hurt me a lot because I would feel excluded. I’ve never let myself feel too discouraged by this, and I’ve been able to do a lot of behind-the-scenes stuff for shows I’m not a huge part of, like building sets, making props, and directing.
This would always be super fun, but never as fun as being onstage and being a part of all the inside jokes my other friends would bring up outside of rehearsals (and this only added to me feeling excluded).
Anyway, me and my friends all auditioned for a local teen production of Little Shop of Horrors last week, with four of us (including me) all auditioning for Audrey. We audition, and I think I do pretty well, but part of me knows I won’t get the part.
Well, yesterday, the cast list came out, and to my surprise, I GOT AUDREY!! I’m so excited and still buzzing over the fact that I finally have a lead, and one of my dream roles no less. All of my friends were extremely supportive and there was no tension among any of us over the results of the cast list, so I accepted the part right away before dancing around my room and going out for ice cream with my friends.
When I got back, I texted my partner of a year (17, M) about the news, expecting congratulations and excitement (since he knows how big of a deal finally getting a lead is for me), but instead, he told me I should reject the part because I’d have to kiss the guy playing Seymour, and also generally act romantically around him onstage, and that makes him uncomfortable.
The guy playing Seymour is one of my close friends I’ve known since 7th grade, and our relationship has always been purely platonic (he also has a partner of his own). I can see how my partner would be uncomfortable since I’d be acting romantically with someone who isn’t him, and with someone I’m pretty close to.
I told him I already accepted my part and he left me on read, and I don’t really know how I’m feeling at the moment. I’m hurt because he hasn’t congratulated me, but I feel bad for potentially hurting him and accepting the part without talking to him about how it would affect our relationship.
AITJ for accepting the part?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your high school partner will be a dim, fading memory as you get older, but playing Audrey is something you will treasure for the rest of your life. Sixteen is way too young to put up with a controlling partner.
LSoH isn’t the slightest bit racy and I think the partner is more worried about getting razzed by his peers about the kissing scenes than about how much you want to do this. You can live your dream or live under his thumb, the choice is yours.
Have fun while you can. Break a leg and all that.” Ungrateful-Dead
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – *that makes him uncomfortable.* No, it makes him insecure and a child. This is acting. It comes with the territory. He knew that you were into acting when he got in a relationship with you so this is a no-brainer.
*I feel bad for potentially hurting him and accepting the part without talking to him about how it would affect our relationship.* Don’t you dare feel bad for chasing your dream. If you’re feeling bad because of him, then drop him.
You don’t deserve to have an anchor around your neck. You deserve to have support. He needs to be able to separate the art from the artist. Break a leg, OP.” slap-a-frap
18. AITJ For Accepting My Ex's Invitation To Attend A Mother's Day Dinner With Him, His Partner And Our Shared Child?
“My child’s father (25M) aka my ex invited me (23 almost 24F) last night to attend dinner with him, his partner (24F), their daughter (2F), and our shared child (5M) for Mother’s Day.
I accepted and I felt happy that he was acknowledging me on Mother’s Day because, in our child’s 5 years of life, I have never received anything for Mother’s Day besides a plant from my mom.
I was used to it and not too bothered so it took me by complete surprise when he asked, but I was touched and teared up after the call because I was so grateful to be thought of rather than forgotten about or purposely left out like I was in the past.
Then I began to think about it and wonder if his partner was truly comfortable with the idea, I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable despite any previous negative feelings so I reached out to her to double-check and be sure it was okay.
At first, she said that it did feel weird to her but she didn’t feel like she could say anything without it being an argument between her and my ex and that it was okay for me to come.
I told her if she’d like I could come up with some kind of excuse to back out and after that, she told me that after speaking with me, she felt more at ease with the whole thing and that I should come.
When I told my partner (24M) about this situation, he at first said that he was fine with it and that he trusted me. Later he called and told me that he didn’t think he was comfortable with it after all, that it should be something I take my significant other with me for and he felt weird about my ex having asked me to dinner in the first place and that it would be like if he asked his ex out to dinner (they don’t have a child together though and I pointed that out).
For some context, my partner doesn’t have a vehicle at the moment and he hasn’t received his first paycheck yet since going back to work, so I felt it would be “not right” of me to invite him and leave my ex to pay his way nor did I want to pay for my partner’s meal on Mother’s Day since I’ve been paying for everything my partner had needed after he quit his last job.
I also felt it would be rude to invite or push for an invite to bring someone else along that my ex had not mentioned or invited himself since this whole thing was his plan.
I think my going would be beneficial for my son so he can see that mom and dad have a healthy and civil relationship with one another, but I wonder if with all things considered it would be best for everyone in the long run if I did not go.
WIBTJ if I went to dinner with them?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your ex is taking his two children and their mothers out for Mother’s Day. That’s very nice and a good way to balance a complicated family.
You should go. Your partner doesn’t have anything to do with this; it’s not like a date with your ex, the kids, and his gf will be there! And a co-parent is inherently different from a simple ex.” NapalmAxolotl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The situation is slightly unusual, sure. But these holidays are meant for families to celebrate parents, and that’s what this dinner would do if you two mothers are comfortable with it. Your partner does not have to be ecstatic about this situation.
But he does not have veto power here, and he should not indulge himself by sulking or blaming you or expecting you to place his feelings and wishes above everyone else’s. You two will not be able to have a good long-term relationship if he can’t accept the consequences of your having a child with someone else, because these situations—and the fact that he Can’t always come first in your life—are not going to go away.” Catsbirdshorses
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re not going to the dinner for you or your ex, you’re going for your daughter who your ex is trying to ensure has access to both parents and doesn’t feel left out when her half-sister This honestly sounds like a very mature way to move forward, as long as everyone is polite and respectful.
There’s a huge difference between you, your ex, his gf, and the 2 kids going out on Mother’s Day to just you and your ex going out.” Urbanyeti0
17. AITJ For Wanting To Be Appreciated On Mother's Day?
“I (40f) and my husband (41m) have been married 21 years. We have several children, the oldest is 20, and the youngest is 5.
Mother’s Day has always been a point of contention. I wish he would do something nice for me but he always tells me “You aren’t my mom,” and does nothing noteworthy.
It’s gotten worse over the years and came to a boiling point two days ago (Mother’s Day)
I had reminded everyone that Mother’s Day was coming up but on that day everyone except our 20 and 18-year-olds forgot. The 20-year-old works all day, he came over late in the evening, and the 18-year-old said Happy Mother’s Day in the morning before he left for work.
I can’t fault the other kids for it as many of them are young. By noon I was almost in tears.
When my husband came out of his man cave and told me he wanted me to cook steak for lunch, I almost broke down crying.
I cook almost every day for everyone and I just did not want to cook on Mother’s Day.
I left the house, went for a walk, and bought myself a pizza. When I came home I put his steak in the air fryer.
Which was wrong and he got mad about it.
As he was scolding me for overcooking the steak wrong I started crying and said “It’s Mother’s Day!! ” And his response was…
He yelled at me for wanting to be the center of attention and told me “You aren’t my mother!
You did not give birth to me!”
He spent the rest of the day angry at me. He refused to eat the rest of the day. He said he wanted steak to be something nice we did together and I said I didn’t want to have to cook because it was Mother’s Day I wanted him to do something for me but he didn’t want to so I went for pizza alone.
Around dinner time he made a steak and I thought it was for him as I had already eaten but he put it in front of me and told me I better enjoy it. I ate about half it was a huge steak the size of a plate.
I tried to talk to him later he got angry and stormed out. The next day he was still angry. I told him he hurt my feelings and he said “You say every other day that I’m hurting your feelings.
You always take things wrong, so I guess I just won’t talk at all that way you can’t take anything wrong.”
He wants me to act happy so I’ve been trying to but now it’s been two days and he’s still angry with me.
He keeps sitting on the couch arms crossed refusing to speak or anything.
Maybe I should have just cooked the steak and not gone out? Am I being unreasonable, after all, I’m not his mom. It’s just that, as the mother of his children it would be nice to be celebrated on Mother’s Day for once.”
Another User Comments:
“He’s right that you aren’t his mother, but you’re the mother of his children. He should show love, respect, and appreciation every day, but especially on Mother’s Day. He should have made sure the kids had things for you and made it special. He should have made dinner or taken you out.
My advice is to do the same thing for Father’s Day.” Ill-Conversation5210
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not sure why you’ve put up with this nonsense for more than two decades, but it’s not going to change, so you need to make some hard decisions.
Accept your husband’s jerkish behavior for what it is and realize this is your life or decide you’ve had enough and stop going along with his horrible treatment of you. For a man who continually screams, “You aren’t his mother,” your husband sure acts more like he’s one of your kids than a spouse or partner.” Anxious-Routine-5526
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Next time he demands you fix him a steak (or do anything else he could do for himself), you say: **I am not your mother! I did not give birth to you!** Good grief, the one day of the year that was supposed about showing appreciation for, you, and you get ignored and then told it’s your fault your feelings are hurt.” Dittoheadforever
He is treating you less than decent or even human. His mom should be embarrassed.
Now, pay attention. His behavior is strategic to keep you subservient to him. If he is aggressive, you are regressive. He is keeping you controlled with fear of how he will act. Thinknabout that.
NTJ at all.
16. AITJ For Telling My Cousin Her Baby's Name Is An Insult In Another Language?
“I (25F) attended my cousin Ellie’s (27F) baby shower and gender reveal party. It was a lovely event and things went off without a hitch.
When the baby’s gender was revealed (she’s having a boy), Ellie also told everyone about the name that she and her husband had picked. I thought nothing of it as the name isn’t anything unique or strange in any way.
Her new last name is a bit unique but nothing that would attract attention or ridicule. She hadn’t told me before the baby shower which names they were thinking of.
After the baby shower, I went home to my partner and I’s apartment and told him about the baby’s names and gender.
He laughed. When he stopped, he explained that the baby’s first and last name when said together is an insult in another language.
When I asked him for the translation, he got his phone and said it would probably be better to show me.
He called one of his friends and he was put on loudspeaker because he was with some of their mutual friends. His friends hadn’t even said hello when he said the baby’s names. The reaction was instant. They all started shouting and cussing him out, all the while my partner is laughing his butt off.
I got the phone and told them the situation, asking what the names meant, I knew all the people who were there. They also burst out laughing. When they stopped, they apologized, cussed my partner out again, and explained the insult and its severity.
It is a VERY big insult in a language that they speak which is rare here but is a major language in a specific part of the world. When the names are put together, it’s the kind of insult that can immediately start fights.
It’s not said as two separate words but it’s one word even when you split it up, it’s still obvious that it’s that particular insult. They all suggested that I tell my cousin because while there’s no guarantee that the baby will ever meet someone who speaks the language, it would be better to at least inform Ellie.
On Sunday my partner and I went to see her with her favorite snacks hoping that it would at least help put her in a better state of mind. We chatted and had fun and after a while when we saw that she was happy, we as gently as possible explained that the baby’s name is an insult and its meaning.
She was livid. Ellie yelled at us saying that we were trying to ruin the name she had picked out and called me spiteful and jealous. We tried to explain that we meant no harm or disrespect but she wouldn’t hear us out and told us to leave.
Shortly after, my family and several friends started messaging me saying I was cruel for upsetting Ellie. I don’t think we did anything wrong but the backlash is a lot.
Am I The Jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it honestly sounds like you had pure intentions.
I’d still apologize for upsetting her. Not because you *have to* but because I just think it’s the kind thing to offer when you know she probably just felt vulnerable and embarrassed by the information… but you didn’t do anything wrong.
If your cousin is cool, she’ll probably apologize too for flipping out, maybe even acknowledge you were trying to be kind and hopefully help her prevent or at least prepare for some wildly uncomfortable situation in the future.” Living-Highlight7777
Another User Comments:
“YTJ it doesn’t sound like this is going to be a real problem in this child’s life. According to you, it’s in a “language that they speak which is rare”. Your cousin can’t worry about how her kid’s name will be viewed in every rare language out there.
In my opinion you created a problem that didn’t exist for her until you said something.” keepsouth
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are saving your niece from humiliation throughout her life. With the internet, there is no rare language.
Apologize for causing her upset, but insist you meant to make her aware of it. If I had accidentally picked a name that had a meaning like that, I would want to know, think about it, and decide on whether or not I want to still use it.
Ask her if it would have been better for her to hear about from her child when her peers torment her because that is what kids do.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Keeping Certain Life Events From My Controlling Older Sister?
“My sister (63F) & I (58F) aren’t close. She’s my only sibling. I would not be there for her if she needed me, & she’s helped me in some significant ways when I needed it (for which I’m grateful).
But if we weren’t related, we wouldn’t be friends.
My sister wants to be in control at all times, bullies people into doing what she wants the way she wants it, & presents with a lot of bluster to try to cover up her insecurities.
She likes to say that being the elder sister gives her the right to treat me with scorn in front of others. Yet there’s nothing I can have or do that she doesn’t immediately try to copy or latch onto (major FOMO).
Since she always made a lot more money than me, I think it bothers her to be “shown up” by her “poor” younger sister.
I’ve learned to roll my eyes & avoid arguing as much as I can because it’s just not worth my energy.
I’ve accepted that she’ll never change. In a way, I feel sorry for her.
In the past year, I’ve decided I’m not going to tell her about certain things in my life — not until the time is past that she can badger me about it, or maybe ever.
My friends are shocked by this, even my oldest friends who know her pretty well and know what our relationship is like. Their perspective is that I’m somehow betraying familial ties (???), or lying by omission. They feel I should come clean immediately about a couple of things in particular:
Last year, I took a trip to France. The trip was a much-shortened version of a vacation I’d planned earlier, & included meeting some distant relatives (genealogy is my hobby). When I did the original planning for the longer trip, she tried to invite herself along, started complaining about the itinerary, etc. I told her, multiple times, that I thought it wasn’t a good idea for her to come along because I felt she’d be unhappy with *the vacation I had planned for myself*, & that I’d go back again another time with her if she thought it was that important.
My BIL & nephew also told her to back off, but she wouldn’t let the matter drop. So when I finally had the chance to go, I left without saying a word. I still haven’t mentioned it, & don’t plan to at all.
I recently learned that I’m being downsized from my job. Since I’m not ready to retire, I see this as a chance to explore something new, professionally. It’s also been a tough slog for the past few years, & I want to take the summer off to give myself a mental break.
I have enough financial cushion to try out a couple of things before I need to go for any job I can find. I haven’t told her yet, because I know she’d start haranguing me (Why aren’t you looking for another job NOW?
Why don’t you move to a cheaper apartment? etc.). Frankly, I don’t want to hear it right now.
Are my friends right that I’m the jerk for setting these boundaries with my sister?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If this wasn’t your sister you would have nothing to do with her.
She’s not your friend. She’s not someone who will listen and support you as you decide things. You have figured out how to deal with her and it works for you. Let your friends know that you would love a closer relationship with them after 58 years it’s not happening and they need to stop pushing.” SnooBunnies7461
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your friends are. While you’re enjoying the summer off take the time to evaluate which relationships are still beneficial to you. Keep your boundaries. You owe her nothing beyond what you’re willing to share.” ApprehensiveBook4214
14. AITJ For Not Moving Back Home To Help My Mother Care For My Uncle?
“I 33f was raised by my mother and grandmother after my parents divorced. We lived in my grandparents’ house. My mother’s brother (15 years older) also divorced and had his apartment.
When 46y old he suffered a severe stroke that affected his speech and left the right side of his body paralyzed. This was a huge blow to the family.
I was 6 years old. My grandmother took care of me so that my mother could work and help my uncle. Once my uncle’s condition improved he bought a car and tried to return to his former life. However, in his former life, he’d been a heavy drinker who frequently caused problems for those around him.
He had even caused a fatal accident while driving under the influence with my grandmother and mother as a child in the back seat.
My mother was always the dependable one, taking care of everyone, while my uncle was seen as the poor son who needed help.
This perspective, particularly from my grandmother, placed all the burden on my mother’s shoulders.
Years passed, my grandparents died, and now my uncle is 73. He still cannot speak and remains half-paralyzed, but he is self-reliant. He can cook, clean his apartment, drive, and maintain a social life.
However, he needs help with his numerous health problems that require long hospital stays and he often causes trouble due to his character. As grandma was growing older my mother needed more help and tried to share the load with me involving me in doctor visits, bureaucratic tasks, or keeping her company during his hospitalizations.
During my teenage years, she became increasingly frustrated and impatient with me. When I went to university grandmother died, and my mother developed anger and depression. She felt abandoned in caring for her half-crazy half-paralyzed brother with no daughter, parents, or partner.
I was also dealing with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, an eating disorder, and struggling to get my degree.
After I graduated, my mother insisted I return to our hometown. I moved back and we lived together because I couldn’t afford my place.
I was 25 working random jobs for 15 hrs a day. Our fights continued, mainly about money and living together. My mother started having panic attacks. My uncle’s situation was stable but we were miserable.
I eventually found a good job in my field in another country and decided to leave.
It’s been 5 years now. I have a happy life. Because of my job, we can go on big trips with my mother. I visit her every 2-3 months and stay with her for 30 days each time. Despite this, we still fight, and she sometimes blames me for her misery because I left. She wants me to return but I don’t want to.
I feel incredibly guilty. If I return, neither my partner nor I would be able to get well-paying jobs. I’ve told her she can come live with me when the time comes, but she doesn’t want to leave her country & she can’t move far as long as my uncle is alive.
So, AITJ for not wanting to go back and drag my partner into this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if he’s largely self-reliant he should be able to arrange for someone else to tend to his medical needs as and when they surface.
Your mom doesn’t need to mother him, he’s a grown man capable of living his own life, she’s just been conditioned to do it. That doesn’t mean she has any right to try and ruin your life to make hers easier.
Congrats on your shiny spine la lovely set of boundaries. Good luck. ” I_wanna_be_anemone
Another User Comments:
“Your grandmother and your mother sacrificed their lives and your childhood putting your Uncle first. Now after you have gotten away, she wants you to sacrifice your stability and happiness again. It was and still is her choice to put your Uncle first before herself (and you) and be miserable. Maybe this was a cultural thing where she was taught that women sacrifice for their sons. I don’t know but you have done enough. Don’t go back and don’t look back! Why doesn’t she want the best for you? She took 25 years making you miserable like her. You were her child she should have put you ahead of everything. No more. You can not help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
NTJ.” tandr1031
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is nice to help your uncle, but awful to guilt you into not helping her with this crazy thing she doesn’t even have to do herself. Your uncle can maybe get care from a facility or maybe a home check with a health professional…
There has to be an alternative for your mom. Unfortunately, your mom is miserable and wants to drag you down with her. I’d keep my distance until your uncle passes and don’t let your mom make you feel bad.
You did the right thing by leaving and look at you now! Don’t let this ruin your life she has let it ruin yours.” cmla22
13. AITJ For Keeping My Uncle's Wallet From His Gold-Digging Daughter?
“So this situation is being brought up again because my cousin was wishing my dad a happy birthday, and she is still mad about what I did. Let me preface this by saying, I love my uncle (62M).
He’s always had the same interests as me (F18).
When I was a sophomore in high school, he was visiting for a couple of days because he was a truck driver getting a new load ready for his next job.
When he came in, we were laughing and joking, but he looked off, I didn’t notice anything severe, but he did ask if he looked weird because something on his face wasn’t adding up. I said no, but he left with my dad, and my dad pointed out, that one of his eyes was drooping.
He had a stroke in his sleep went to the hospital, and had a stroke again. I don’t know what kind of indestructible alien he is that he survived, but he did, and he was talking. He just wasn’t himself as much, anymore.
His motor functions were stalled, and his memory was delayed. He had all his things at the house, and his daughter came up north from Georgia to New Jersey, to fly home. I hate his daughter. She’s older than me by about 20 years, and she and her mother are massive gold diggers who treat my uncle like poop.
Ever since she was young her mom divorced my uncle. So when she came, my uncle begged to stay with us, but he left reluctantly because her mother offered to take care of him. On the night before his discharge, she asked if I had seen his wallet, and not the millions of other important things he brought with him, like his rig keys that his company was asking for.
I took his bag and gave it to her but kept his wallet because I knew that taking care of him was not true. In reality, they would call and check in on him in his apartment but never were there.
I sent his wallet to Georgia, and he called me and thanked me for sending his wallet.
When she found out I had his wallet, she called my dad upset because I lied to her about the wallet, so I told her the truth that I knew how she and her mom got down as people, and I wasn’t going to give my uncle’s wallet to people who I did not doubt in my mind would steal from him.
He has her and me in his will, and it’s a hefty inheritance that I don’t want to collect yet, but she and her mom have done dangerous things like let him operate vehicles on his own, and he’s crashed multiple times.
She tried to argue again. Today. 2 years later.
They’re both very suspicious, and my brothers are telling me I’m mean, and kind of a jerk for the way I spoke.”
Another User Comments:
“Keeping his wallet safe is NTJ.
But telling her what you did is very dumb. Instead of pleading ignorance and keeping quiet, you went out of your way to annoy her and make sure she knew to hide her thoughts, actions, and intentions from you.
Now everyone has an opinion and you have to spend time defending yourself against experienced manipulators. There will probably be 100 more situations in the future where he needs someone to be his eyes and ears around them. They aren’t going to relax around you so it probably has to be someone else.
You’re young so your emotions get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. In the future consider keeping your friends close, but your enemies closer.” Parasamgate
Another User Comments:
“You claim your relatives are gold diggers and let your uncle do dangerous things.
On the surface, you are making a LOT of assumptions about other people’s motives without much evidence other than a gut feeling. It feels like a stretch to blame your relatives for your uncle getting into car accidents.
He is a full-grown man who makes his own decisions. Most of your story makes you look like you have good intentions but I can’t get past this line: >He has her and me in his will, and it’s a hefty inheritance that I don’t want to collect yet This detail lets us know you directly benefit financially from others not stealing from your uncle right after you just accused others of being gold diggers.
So yeah you have way more reason than you were leading off with to not let someone else take his wallet from a fear you made up yourself. Not only did you mention his inheritance, which is important information, but you immediately brought up your intention for the inheritance to be there in full when you eventually collect.
Maybe you’re right about your relative’s intentions, but it appears to me you’re masking your motives intentionally. Everyone sucks here” Good_From_70
12. AITJ For Taking Leftover Food Home And Demanding My Unpaid Salary After Getting Fired?
“I worked in fast food.
My boss fired me for taking leftover food home when he never said we couldn’t take any of the leftover food home (it gets thrown out at the end of the day). It all started because I asked if I would be entitled to a pay rise if I did a barista course since we made coffee and hot drinks.
He left me open and never replied to anything else I said to him (that was work-related). Three days later he fired me without any warning. I went back the next day to get my pay since he paid the employees in cash and my pay wasn’t there so I messaged him asking when I get my pay, to which he never replied of course.
He messaged me a few days later saying that he’ll pay me but I must come between 1 pm and 3:30 pm no later as he had things to do. I went to collect my pay and had my partner come with me, to which he told my partner to leave as he wanted to talk to me alone, my partner told my ex-boss that he wasn’t going to leave as he could tell me that I was uncomfortable, to which my ex-boss said “you can come back later when you’re willing to talk to me alone if you want to get part of your pay” and then proceeded to slam the door in my face.
I didn’t know what to do for the next few days then I decided to call up Fairworks on the following Monday (everything that previously happened was within the last 2 weeks) to which they told me to write a letter of demand, demanding my 2 weeks pay and the annual leave that I have accumulated over the time that I worked for him which totaled out to about $2700.
I wrote the letter of demand and sent it on Thursday which was exactly 2 weeks after being fired. He had 5 days to pay me everything that he owed me as per the legal laws behind the letter of demand in my country.
He then proceeded to ignore the letter of demand only paying me 1 week’s pay 7 days after the letter of demand was sent to him. Before he paid me that 1 week’s pay he proceeded to yell at me for roughly 5 minutes, within that time a civilian called security over who then came over and saw my ex-boss yelling at me then slamming the door in my face before getting my pay and handing it to me not before telling me that he won’t be giving me my annual leave for a few weeks as I stated an amount which was way higher than what it’s was.
It’s currently been 5 days since that all happened I’m still waiting for my annual leave pay and I’m not sure what to do.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds to me like he fired you because he can’t bully you.
You know your worth and your rights. Taking the food was a mistake (a hard one to learn – next time, get permission in writing!) But it doesn’t make you a jerk.” Tribestar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You go back to Fairworks and report what he did and that he is disputing the amount you are owed. Fireworks have the authority to give him a rough time, and your boss won’t be slamming any doors in their face.” Longjumping_Win4291
11. AITJ For Feeling Uncomfortable About My Future Partner's Plan To Have His Dad Live With Us?
“My 25F male friend 23M (let’s call him Ben) whom I’ve been talking to for a while now lives in another state. We have known each other for more than a year but have been friends for a while.
We are both talking but haven’t put labels on it quite yet. We both have strong feelings for each other and plan on meeting sometime soon.
One night we were talking about our future and how we’d like it to be.
Out of nowhere, he mentioned to me that wherever he goes, he’s going to need to bring his dad with him once his dad retires. His dad is now mid-50s. He said his dad is going to need to stay in the spare room in our future home because his dad doesn’t have a retirement fund, doesn’t know how to manage money (has all these guitars, a 3D printer, and currently lives in a home that’s paid off).
He told me that once his dad hits retirement age, he’s not going to be able to afford to live in their current home so he’s going to have to either live with us in like 20 years for the rest of his life or Ben is going to have to pay his rent in a new place for the rest of his life.
He told me this was going to happen.
I felt bad being taken aback by that because it was something that he’d never talked to me about before. He didn’t ask me how I’d feel about it.
He told me it’s gonna happen no matter what but not for nearly 20 years. The reason I was taken aback was because we plan on having kids down the road. How would it work if we’re paying off our future home but Ben also has to pay for another property for his dad, especially if we’re going to have a few kids?
I don’t think it’s realistic. He wants to be a psychologist. How would it work if we had a few kids as well? We probably wouldn’t be able to afford a home with 3 different rooms anyway.
I’ve also worked since I was like 16 or 17 and he told me once he gets a decent job way into the future, he wants me to be a homemaker. He doesn’t want me to worry about working again in the future.
Now I think I have no choice but to work until I’m 50+ if this is how the situation is going to be with his dad.
I feel selfish and cruel for feeling put off by this plan in the future.
His dad is a nice man who’s taken good care of Ben. He’s been a good dad to him. Am I a jerk for feeling this way about the situation? I would never want his dad to be homeless in the future but Ben and I haven’t even met yet and even if we did, I think I’d still feel the same way that I do now.
How would you feel in this situation? He just wants to help his dad.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I think you’re both getting WAY ahead of yourselves given you’ve never even met in person. You also don’t know for sure that Ben’s Dad is a “really nice man”.
Since Ben is dead set on this plan, though, you need to tell him you’re not at all on board with it and then let the chips fall where they may.” WelfordNelferd
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But if you haven’t met in person yet, there are like a gazillion things that might not work between you two, before you even get to the point of living together and the dad ‘problem’.
Don’t ignore this, but reassess the compatibility of your relationship goals when you’ve met. I think it is good that he is open about this, and that this is a non-negotiable thing for him. Better to put it out there now, than in 20 years.” Slayerofdrums
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you are not the jerk at all. I’m the Ben of this situation; I care for my mom and dad. I did not plan for it, but life happened. It took me a long time to realize this, but this is a responsibility (not a burden, but close) that should not be imposed on the people you love.
I was too young to realize this before, but looking back… just nope! I can only afford to pay for three homes because I am a pretty lucky guy, but there were dark, dark times. And it never stops no matter where I am in the world; my life has revolved around working since I was 17.
I’m in a good place, but it took me too long to figure out how to get myself to where I can now start considering a family… I’m over 40. You are not a jerk at all.” yago1980
10. AITJ For Refusing To Work More Shifts Despite My Partner's Complaints?
“My partner (25M) and I (19F) just got into a huge argument because he said I’m always thinking about myself and not putting myself in his shoes for not picking up more shifts as a server for 4 days in a row.
I live with my mom by the way, this isn’t a situation where we live together.
I am a server at a huge restaurant, part-time since I am a college student. I usually work 3 days a week.
My shifts are very tiring as they require me to walk around for 8-9 hours, lift heavy things, stand, deal with rude customers, you name it. I go in at 5 PM usually and leave at 1 in the morning, and my mother waits for me to make sure I get home safely.
My partner works full time at a furniture. Every single time we go out, I offer to pay but he denies it because I “don’t have enough and will be even more broke if I do help pay” (Even though I do have enough).
Earlier, I told him that I was going to start picking up shifts because I needed the money. I am already scheduled for 2 days to work this week, and since I am offering to pick up another day this week, that’s already 3.
One of my coworkers asked me about an hour ago if I could pick her shift up tomorrow, that’s already 4 days back to back, which is extremely tiring for me. I told him that she asked me and he said you should pick it up, I said I wasn’t too sure about 4 days in a row because it’s extremely tiring for me.
He then proceeds to tell me how he’s annoyed that I said that. I said, “You don’t understand because you’re not a server”. He used to be a manager at a retail store, so he replied with “Yeah your server job is a million times harder than running a business, my bad”.
“I’m over here making sure I can pay for everything, but you can’t work 4 days straight, unbelievable”. He goes on to say “You’re complaining about working an extra day and acting like you work such a laboring job like I don’t run around lifting 300lb sofas daily”.
I then proceed to tell him how he is invalidating my feelings and is not thinking about my physical health and how it’s tiring for me to work 4 days straight, and I tell him how I am putting so much effort into our relationship but he tells me how I’m not and I’m just thinking about myself.
I told him that I try hard in our relationship and if he doesn’t think so, I don’t know what to tell him. He said, “If that’s your excuse, then please don’t contact me till you fix that way of thinking.
I’m not replying till you sort yourself out”.
I just can’t tell if it’s wrong of me to not pick up more shifts even though it’s so tiring for me, and he tells me how I’m not thinking about him.
I’m just really upset right now, and can’t believe he said I only think about myself, while I tell him it’s tiring for me to work 4 days straight. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, he’s trying to guilt you for issues he wouldn’t have if he was in a relationship with someone his age. Like, 6 years is an ok age gap for adult relationships, but you can’t be in a relationship with someone fresh out of high school as an adult and expect them to be your equal financially.
That’s just stupid. You live with your mom. You can focus on your studies while working enough to cover your needs without burning yourself out. And he’s giving you an easy way out right now, I’d take it and end things for your peace of mind.” liluindef
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you are a college student, this is a part-time job that is tough and tiring and you also have to study. I also don’t know why he is pushing you to take more shifts – you have clearly stated you offer to pay for things and he says no. you don’t live together, you don’t split bills….what is the issue?
Overall I don’t think either of you is listening to the other, it shouldn’t be a competition about who works more or who pays for more things….a relationship is one of give and take not one with a scoreboard.
You both need to work at understanding the other person’s perspective and being empathetic in both directions.” discobrad85
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You need to figure out how many hours you work by combining college hours with your server hours.
The hard time is doing both, not working part-time as a server. Check your free hours per week when you are not at college, not working, or not commuting. I bet he has more spare time. Now if you have a summer break, and all you do is work 24 hours a week?
Sure, that shouldn’t be too tiring – and if it is, maybe you should look for different work. Pay per hour is not only what you make per hour, but also how much it drains you and how much time you spend recharging.” MenchitWolfram
9. AITJ For Being Upset That My Dad Sponsored His Sister's Family Without Telling Us?
“I’m feeling resentful yet some residual guilt at the moment but I would love people’s input on a particularly complicated situation:
Under the request of my dad’s older sister, my (27F) dad (62M) filed an immigrant visa petition for his younger sister and her family (husband, two kids) in ~2005. This means that he is the primary sponsor of this family and is financially and legally responsible for them for ten years after arrival until they become citizens (a huge responsibility essentially).
The visa application/interview/retrieval process usually takes a while from UCSIC/NVC – Now in 2024, my dad’s/his sister’s case gained some momentum in their case as they’re preparing for her family’s interview in a few months and their visas may be available as of the end of 2024/early 2025 to emigrate to the US.
In my household, it is my father, mother (61F with a medical disability that limits her functioning to some degree), and I. My dad’s oldest sister/older brother(s) have throughout this visa process told my dad not to tell my mom/me about this because they knew we would have possible concerns with my dad making such a legal/financial commitment as well as them having to live with us.
He’s maybe mentioned this once or twice to my mom in the last 19 years. He once wanted me to look something up regarding the case but he came into my room and was whispering and being vague so I could tell he was trying to keep this hush-hush.
My dad the other day now casually in passing dropped the update to my mom and me that this visa process is moving forward and the sister/family may be able to arrive by the end of this year or next year.
He specifically stated that “he’s ONLY doing the paperwork and one of his brothers and sisters will house them and take care of the rest once they arrive.” I know his extended family will never house the family when my dad is legally on the line.
I asked my dad to add his brothers or older sister as a joint sponsor and he escalated things by saying no and yelling at me for suggesting such an idea that would inconvenience his extended family. He would rather inconvenience and LIE TO his wife and children rather than set some boundaries with his extended family.
He kept downplaying this situation by saying to us “This is such a simple matter. Why are you getting so worked up.”
I feel so hurt and betrayed by my father because he is so quick to put the preferences and asks of others above his immediate family.
At the end of the day, I know if their visa gets approved they will be living in our house despite my dad being adamant that they won’t. My mom and I were not made aware of this sponsorship and therefore I believe we should certainly not have to deal with them moving into the house if they do get approved to come here.
Let me know your thoughts on whether I’m overreacting or not.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m sorry for your situation. Here’s the thing. They’re your extended family, they’re part of HIS immediate family in his mind. You have every right to be upset about being lied to.
However, he was going to do this regardless. I don’t see how you can stop the process. Your father is planning to have them stay in the house and STILL lying to you. I have no advice because this kind of cultural family situation is so challenging and frustrating.
Am not going to suggest you move out because I suspect you are a partial caregiver for your mum as well as taking care of the house. Unfortunately, parents of our generation very rarely take our feelings into account and we aren’t treated as adults.
You know they love us but their love comes with other burdens.” SquishySnail
Another User Comments:
“At 27, I would imagine you plan on moving out sometime shortly, at least within about 5 years. Your dad, on the other hand, has made a decision that will inconvenience him for the next 10-plus years.
I think if you find it inconvenient for you, you should move out. You are old enough to live alone and care for your household. I understand your frustration, but I don’t think this is your business or your problem.
And I don’t think there’s anything you can do to stop your dad. At a certain age, you just let your parents make their own decisions and run your own life the way you want to.
I don’t think you are a jerk, but I do think you can move out and save yourself the hassle, so mild NTJ.” Unfair_Finger5531
Another User Comments:
“NTJ move out and prepare for your mom to possibly follow you.
Don’t tell your dad because he’s already chosen which family members mean more to him. He chose time and time again over literal years to lie to his wife and child. That is a stain on his character that you don’t have to tolerate.” I_wanna_be_anemone
8. AITJ For Wanting The Master Bedroom After Planning And Paying For Our Joint Birthday Vacation?
“So, my older sister’s birthday is a day before mine. I always plan my birthday a few months ahead of time and communicate with my sister, dates, and location, so we’d have a general idea of expense.
For at least, about 6 years on and off we’d take a vacation together unless my family and I flew out. It’s me, my husband, and our 6-year-old daughter. And her end is she, her husband, and 3 kids (18yr girl, 16yr boy, 5and yr girl) I’m always the one planning, and always the one paying upfront for all expenses for the aAirbnb They would give me a payment plan to pay back because they can’t afford to pay upfront for their half.
A few times they couldn’t pay the “half” so they would end up shorting me a few hundred and I ended up paying the extra. I also end up buying all the booze. And we’d split food. Ideally, because I’m paying more and my family is smaller, we’d take the master bedroom which is a single bed, and my daughter sleeps with us.
The room she take would have a double queen bed to fit her family. This year, I told her I was going on vacation for my bday, and asked if she would like to join my family, again.
She said yes.
For about 2 months I’ve been searching for Airbnb vacation spots and activities to do while over there. I’ve been stressed between work, home life, and planning my birthday vacation. A few homes I chose that were more affordable couldn’t accommodate our group since it’s too many of us, so we had to pick a bigger house, with extra room for her kids.
After I sent the link for the house and expense, her first response was, I want the master bedroom. I stood quiet. My husband then responded and said, he thought it would be fair for me to choose what room I wanted since I was the only one who planned and took the time and effort to make it happen.
She then responded and said that it isn’t fair I always get to have the better room, every year. She proceeded to talk negatively about the situation and said I was petty and selfish for not giving her the bigger room when it was our birthday vacation.
I don’t think that’s fair to say when every year I’m always paying more money so she and her entire family can enjoy themselves. This year is the first time we’re supposed to split even for the house, but I was the only one who cared enough to plan the entire trip and do the research alone between working and home duties.
She’s a stay-at-home mom. She knew we were taking this trip months in advance and she never bothered to look into anything to help me.
So, am I the jerk for being petty and agreeing with my husband that I should have the master bedroom since I’m the one planning for MY birthday vacation, and did all the research?”
Another User Comments:
“Maybe you should take the vacation on your own. And you can tell her she who plans the vacation and makes the arrangements, get the priority on room choice. Because she has never once organized a vacation or planned anything.
So that makes her petty and selfish for not making an effort when it’s both your birthday vacation. She just expects you to do the work and potentially pay more, while she graces you with her presence. NTJ” corgihuntress
Another User Comments:
“YTJ to yourself. It’s time to celebrate and go on vacations separately with your families. Why do you always have to go anyway, if she will complain and be unappreciative of all of your efforts in planning and booking accommodation and hen shortchanges you when it comes to splitting the expenses.?Create new traditions and memories with your own family you do not have to always have to celebrate them together.
Tell her moving forward maybe it would be better to go on separate birthday vacations and celebrations to avoid this if she will only be complaining about all the efforts you have made.” adie_sammy1202
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…tell her each year moving forward you will swap who does the planning. Whoever’s year it is gets the master. On the flip side, it’s hard to wrap my head around because I just feel birthday vacations are so far from how I process things.
I literally could not care less about my birthday unless it’s a big birthday like a 30th or 50th. Otherwise, it’s a family vacation. Not saying it’s wrong. I’m just saying that the “MY birthday vacation” wouldn’t even be a factor in it.
I would just want everyone to be equally comfortable.” [deleted]
7. AITJ For Not Visiting My Mom Often After My Parents' Divorce?
“My mom thinks she is the most innocent creature in the world, and my dad is a narcissist who I don’t communicate with much. They got separated, and my dad got custody of my sister and me. He didn’t want to raise us, but my uncle and grandpa made him take us home.
He didn’t raise us; my uncle and aunt did. My grandpa, sister, uncle, and I all live in the same house, which is common in Southeast Asia.
Let’s talk about my mom, Susan. She was unfaithful to my dad, Jake, with her friend.
When Jake found out, he begged Susan not to leave him. He even threatened to harm himself and made us beg her to stay too. We didn’t say anything, so he threatened to kick us out of school and make us work as waiters.
He said mean things about us, claiming we weren’t his kids, and he cried and screamed at all of us (my grandpa, uncle, aunt, sister, and me). My uncle sent him to therapy every week, but I think he was faking it.
He cried without shedding a single tear, more like a child begging for candy.
This all started during summer break and continued when school resumed. I couldn’t focus on my studies and failed my exams. I was usually smart, so my teacher asked if something had happened. I lied and said everything was okay.
After the divorce, Susan took us to stay temporarily with her sister and nephew. Her sister accused us of being happy that our parents’ marriage broke up, asking if we thought we could live happily while Susan suffered. Surprisingly, I didn’t care because I didn’t love them; they weren’t good parents.
They were abusive, but I didn’t say anything and just listened to her lecture.
Susan acted like the victim, pretending to be a sweet, innocent girl. Her sister lectured us about how our parents’ divorce would lead to us living on the streets and begging for money.
We went to court, and Jake won custody. He said we couldn’t meet Susan anymore, and I didn’t care. After a month or two of not seeing us, Susan connected with us on social media, saying she missed us and was lonely.
We felt sad and visited her every month. She seemed nice, and we thought she had changed. But when we got busy and didn’t visit for a month, she told her relatives we weren’t talking to her.
We sometimes video call her when no one is home and sneak out once a month to see her.
Today, my uncle from Susan’s side messaged my sister, saying we should talk to our mom. I don’t know how many relatives she has told that we aren’t talking to her.
Now, I think I should block her on social media and never go to her and her partner’s home again.
So, AITJ for not visiting my mom often after my parents’ divorce?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if your parents couldn’t be bothered to be parents, then why should you bother with them? You don’t owe them anything OP, set any boundaries that you want to set.
You’re within your rights to not want to see your abusive parents again” DouglasAlien
Another User Comments:
“This is my egg donor. She (ED) is so wrapped up in herself and what other people think she never realized that she was abusive.
I haven’t seen or spoken to her in over 8-9 years. That was only because her brother died. She has missed so much of my life. That’s ok she doesn’t deserve to know me or anything else about me.” crazycraftmom
6. AITJ For Wanting To Uninvite My Parents After They Invalidated My Relationship?
“My significant other and I recently moved in together.
We have been together for almost 7 years. For the first 6 years, I was working towards my BA and MA, and working full-time to support my parents. My dad had mental health issues and stopped working for years, and my mom couldn’t pay our household bills alone.
I figured, that because I was living there too, I could contribute my share. My share quickly turned into paying their entire mortgage, groceries, car payments, for my dad (unemployed) to remodel their kitchen, etc. The total is probably somewhere in the tens of thousands.
I hate to sound harsh, but I kept my parents out of bankruptcy- I know I enabled my dad too by not letting him experience consequences. I burned myself out and my mental health suffered a lot.
At that same time, my significant other was working two full-time jobs and supporting a close friend through their mental health crisis.
My significant other was my rock through everything, and I honestly wouldn’t be alive without him. He talked me down from the metaphorical ledge many times- I felt so trapped in my situation. Luckily, a few months before I graduated with my MA, my dad was stable and had a job so he could be a household contributor.
Then I moved out with what pitiful amount of savings I had to finally be with my significant other. We are so in love, and I am grateful for every day. We were long-distance before moving in together and saw each other monthly or every other month the whole time.
So living together is a dream come true.
The issue: My significant other and I were at the thrift store and saw a wedding dress. It was gorgeous! We chatted about how it was a bittersweet thing to see there.
We got Chinese takeout that night, and our fortune cookies said: “A big question will soon change your life” (my fortune) and “The answers you’re looking for are right under your nose” (my significant other’s). Are you kidding??
That’s some rom-com-level stuff!! We took a pic and sent it to a few close friends and my mom, including the story of our day. It was meant to be a cute but silly little sign from the universe kind of thing.
Then my mom responded with: “Whoa, slow down. He just got here, you just met him lol”.
When I tell you I saw red… I saw the message and went quiet. My significant other asked what was up, and I didn’t want to tell him.
He asked me again, and I showed him. He was incredibly hurt. Her message was incredibly invalidating our relationship- as if the first however many years don’t “count” or something because we were long distance.
My parents were invited over for dinner today, and she made that comment last night… I don’t even want to see her right now.
WIBTJ for inviting my parents to dinner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ if you quit listening to the noise, a trait that I learned a long time ago OP. There will always be people who are trying to put doubts and doom/gloom in your life, which in the end is just noise.
The question is how much of this noise you choose to listen to and allow to determine your judgment on how you proceed. Your parents will always think they know what’s best for you and never stop foisting their opinions, but it’s up to you where you set those boundaries and if it’s necessary to just cut them out or just simply ignore the noise or not.” NumbersGuy22
Another User Comments:
“Not at all. Your mother disregarded the relationship. Surely you can understand that she saw the whole thing as more of an unofficial announcement of an upcoming wedding for the two of you. She was probably just shocked because she jumped to the wrong conclusion.
You might want to ask her to explain herself before canceling the dinner and see just what she says then make a decision based on her response. If she hem-haws around, you will know she was deliberately dissing your relationship and then definitely cancel the dinner.
Be sure to tell her exactly why. Going forward, limit future info from you about your life. Tell her what she needs to know when she needs to know, and no more than necessary at the time. Or tell her things after the fact since she is not being supportive.
Lastly, just because she is family does not mean she has any right to be included in your life if what she brings is not positivity.” ConfusedAt63
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Your mom, who is married to someone who even you feel you enabled, expressed hesitation on the idea that you were about to get married, especially if there had been no such talk of that.
I think she’s just projecting her fear and while harmful, she’s doing it out of fear, not jerk. I think she has some resentment against your dad, probably has had plenty of moments questioning how she got there and what signs she should’ve seen.” pottersquash
5. AITJ For Embarrassing People Who Make Derogatory Comments?
“So I (26f) am not a person who likes conflicts, if my snack comes wrong I will probably tell you that it came wrong but I will eat it anyway and still be grateful, I have improved about this over the years, but I still hate creating conflicts.
Yet for a few years now I’ve been feeling fed up with nosy people or people who like to make nasty comments about people, so in a passive-aggressive way, I often rebut a comment in a way that can make them feel embarrassed. I will give some examples:
One time a friend of a friend saw my leg tattoo and made a joke about how ridiculous it was and what a tattoo it must have meant (I have a cat with glasses on my leg), I turned to him pretending to cry and said I got this tattoo with a friend of mine who unfortunately passed away, that was her cat (a lie, I got that tattoo in a flash), he apologized and walked away.
Another time a co-worker made a comment about my blouse being tacky and I said it was the only thing my grandmother left me after she left (she’s still alive).
You must have already understood, so last Saturday I went out with friends of mine and a friend’s partner was with us, in my opinion, he is Your Majesty the king of jerks, he loves to make derogatory comments, no one in the group likes him and we always avoid him, We didn’t know he was coming, it didn’t take long and he started talking about everyone’s appearance, how much my friend had gained weight, he made fun of our friend who was deceived by his partner saying that his little friend should be small, he humiliated his partner by saying how ugly she was and today she got better, and it was like that all night.
But then he got to me, I normally accept the comments and stay quiet while he laughs to himself, but that day I was tired, so he talked about my short haircut saying that I looked like a man, so I sighed deeply, I looked to him and said it was due to the chemotherapy.
We were in a public place and he was silent and stopped laughing, people were giving him dirty looks and for the first time that night he shut up, I said everything was fine and changed the subject, and two minutes later he left alone.
As soon as he went, some of my friends started laughing, since many of them already knew this side of me, to the others it was explained that as soon as they understood they laughed a lot, but his partner got angry and called me an idiot, saying it’s cruel Embarrassing people, it made me think, am I wrong by having these attitudes?”
Another User Comments:
“I think that not only are you NTJ but you also gave us the perfect way to get rid of jerks. I can see how people might think it’s a little cruel, but if he makes derogatory comments about others and doesn’t feel bad this might be the only way to make him feel a little guilty.
Fingers crossed and he will think twice before commenting on others again. You’re a true hero of the people.” Cookiee727
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He started it. You finished it. He embarrassed himself by talking nonsense about everyone there.
Not everyone will agree with your tactic. But it isn’t the worst. You aren’t causing a scene. People who make rude comments are jerks. You are just handing them their backside on a platter. You would be the jerk if you said stuff like that for no reason.
But handing people a little comeuppance is sometimes deserved. When I was young? I was ridiculously thin. Naturally high metabolism. (Those were the days!) I was self-conscious about it. People constantly made backhand compliments. I’m so scrawny.
Do I ever eat? Stupid nonsense. Incredibly rude. Especially strangers. They don’t know if I am ill or have some eating disorder. Or maybe I just couldn’t gain an ounce and was super self-conscious. They thought it was a compliment to call me scrawny.
I finally lost it in a grocery store. The perfect stranger looked at me and said… “OMG, you’re so skinny! Do you ever eat?” I looked her straight in the eyes and said… “OMG, you’re so overweight!
Do you ever diet?” Eyes big as saucers. Sputtering. Hands clenched to her chest. “That’s so RUDE!!!” “So are you, lady. You have no idea why I’m this skinny. Keep your opinions to yourself.”” Desperate-Film599
4. AITJ For Not Wanting My Mother-In-Law To Stay With Us After Our Baby Is Born?
“My husband (26M) and I (28F) live in a 2×2 apartment and are expecting our first baby this Fall. We both work from home about half the time, so we each need separate spaces at home to work from.
He currently works in our second bedroom, and I work in the living room. We will each only have 4 weeks of maternity/paternity leave, but after that, I can continue to work from home through the end of the year.
My parents live out of state and they have already assured us that they will stay in a hotel when they come to visit us to meet the baby, which can be anytime I choose.
My in-laws live about 3 hours away and we drive to visit them every couple of months for a long weekend.
This will be their first grandchild. I like to keep our house pretty clean and organized and we have no pets. My in-laws have a massive dog that sheds all over their house, and they do not keep a clean/organized house at all.
I dread going to stay with them, but they are perfectly nice and I want to have a good relationship with them so I suck it up for a few days even though I am grossed out and have allergy issues when we stay there.
My in-laws have never come to stay with us since we have lived in the same state, we always go to them.
Okay so here’s my issue. My husband has assumed that my MIL will stay with us for several days to weeks after the baby comes to “help out”.
I told him that I don’t think we need any help with just one baby, especially since I have extensive childcare experience and am a medical professional. I don’t want anyone to come and stay as a guest, who I have to clean up after, on top of having a new baby for the first time.
He argues that she will be there to help watch the baby and to cook and clean for us. I don’t want her to do any of that, partially because I find it unnecessary and partially because I’m certain it will just create more work for me.
My in-laws are welcome to come and visit for a few days at a time and see the baby for a few hours at a time, but I don’t want *anyone* staying in our apartment with us. We have just enough space for us to both work from home comfortably and can convert our second bedroom into a nursery when the time comes.
I want to eliminate the guest bed and ask his parents to stay in a hotel when they come to visit. I’m willing to compromise and offer an inflatable mattress or our large couch in the living room if they want to stay for a few days maximum, but even that makes me cringe.
Am I crazy or is this a reasonable request?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If for no reason other than this wasn’t a decision for your husband to make on his own. I will preface this by saying I am not married and I do not have children.
However, my brother and his wife had twins a year ago and my mom and I talked about this some leading up to their birth. As the MIL (who lives 4 hours away and was the closest grandparent), my mom’s points were: 1.
It’s up to the new mom if they want anyone to stay in their house after the birth AND who that person is 2. Given the highly personal nature of some new mom activities (i.e., breastfeeding), the new mom would most likely feel most comfortable with her mom, not MIL 3.
As the MIL, she would offer to do whatever the new mom wanted but wouldn’t force herself onto the new mom. Sorry if I wrote that confusingly, I just wanted to make it more generic and not just about my mom and SIL.” jemoss9
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – But get this talked through early. Point out that even if your mother (usually the mom’s mom is right there on top of things) won’t be staying with you, why would he? Having guests, even parents, during that time will put more strain on things.
Nights will be tough enough, and worrying about either of your parents getting woken up will just add another layer of stress. It’s better for them (parents) to be well rested to be able to come help during the day, give you both breaks after tough evenings to take a nap, or just relax for a few.
Does your husband know how you feel about their home? If you’ve kept that to yourself, might need to find a way to ‘softly share’ as another reason. Get a calendar, and make a schedule for both sets of parents.
Maybe look for a nearby Vrbo or Airbnb. And something to consider with hubby’s ‘leave’ — split it up a bit. Maybe he’s off for the first week, then back to work a bit *while* parents are there to help.
When their parents are all gone/done visiting he takes the remainder of his leave. I handle leaves in my job plus from personal experience–you get lots of help from parents, family, and friends in the beginning — then never fails, around the time a mom’s leave ends – all parents are gone, and hubby back to work and that’s when it gets tougher… Good Luck with everything!!” CornerSevere
3. AITJ For Being Upset With My Stepdad's Behavior On My Graduation Trip To Japan?
“It’s been a bit since this happened, but it’s still got me a bit pressed. At the time, I was 17 FTM, with my partner 19 FTM.
For my senior year of high school, I really wanted to go on a trip, and since my family gave my sister 2000 for her graduation gift, I was given that amount too.
I decided I wanted to go to Japan, where my partner was currently spending a gap year with extended family.
I’ve always wanted to see Japan, and my partner and I had been long-distance for almost 2 years, so I let my stepdad, 42 M, know. I used the graduation money for both plane tickets and had to save up my own money for literally everything else.
Since I was underage, my stepdad had to go with me. He refused to plan any of the trips, leaving everything up to me including stuff like passports itineraries and hotels, etc. He told me not to plan anything for him since it was my trip.
However, when we got there, all my stepdad did was complain. He didn’t like that we weren’t doing basic tourism things and that I was doing stuff we could “do in America.” Tourism isn’t my thing, and I like to experience the culture in more simple ways.
He didn’t care how happy I was or how I was spending my time and often stopped activities I had planned. He also disliked my partner and said he was too cocky, spoiled, and controlling (for simply giving directions and instructions).
Eventually, my stepdad blew up at my partner for giving directions at the zoo, screaming in front of crowds of people, and my partner’s cousin, 6 M. My partner yelled at him, saying it “wasn’t just his trip” before my dad grabbed me and stormed off from our ride home.
He called my mother to insult my partner while screaming at me for crying and claimed I was spending too much time with my partner. After finally making it back, he refused to let me see or text my partner, kicking him out of the hotel his mother paid for.
He then began to purposefully misgender and deadname my partner when he found out. We were allowed one single date together for a few hours before we could never see each other again. He changed all my plans and made almost everything about what he wanted to do.
My stepdad claimed that the trip was so much better and that my partner never should have come.
I was numb for the rest of the trip and had to fake it till I made it back home.
He still dislikes my partner all because of it and hates that I’m still with him and side with him. All of it (along with other things) leads me to leave the house, and he is furious. Am I really in the wrong for thinking my stepdad was a jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – It was your trip, it was your money, he told you to plan it. If you want to spend all day in your room, that’s your business because, at the end of the day, it is your money to spend how you want.
He doesn’t get to decide who you are with, or what your trip is like, especially after he left you to do all the planning. That household seems extremely distressing and I wish you the very best OP.
Stay strong.” Felwinter-Again
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I assume you know that. Even if he wasn’t deadnaming he’d still be a jerk. Curious if he was always a bigot or if he just wanted to hurt the two of you because he felt slighted – I assume it was a difference of character or he felt neglected in conversations, which is kind of pathetic but that’s that.” nerdcoffin
2. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Sending Triggering Jokes?
“I, 31F have a friend, 31M who has a dark sense of humor and often makes quite controversial jokes.
A week ago he sent me a ‘joke’ about something he knows is triggering for me. I simply replied with ‘I don’t do jokes of this nature’.
He said ‘It’s two guys laughing at their own expense’, I said, ‘I don’t want this content regardless of if they’re laughing at their own or someone else’s expense, I don’t find them funny at all’. Then I changed the topic.
He told me from his perspective he saw two strong people who were able to make light of such a dark situation and come out stronger. He respects anyone who can go through that and move past it.
He doesn’t want to fight as we won’t change each other’s minds. He then tells me he respects me & won’t bring it up in the future.
I replied, “Just drop it. I don’t want to receive this content.
It’s not a discussion. You know I’ve experienced this before and I’ve told you this is a trigger for me and my feelings are not up for debate. I’m not fighting I’m telling you I don’t want this kind of content.
Please just respect it and move on. He says ‘just wanted to be clear on what his perspective was” I told him I didn’t need him to be clear & not keep pushing his perspective of why it was appropriate
NC til 4 days later
I got a text saying he never dismissed my feelings, he explained his perspective because he didn’t want to be seen as insensitive, told me he respected my feelings and I ‘attacked’ him & made him feel like a jerk because of his humor.
He told me to put my Daggers away and told me he was not going to talk to me as he was ‘treading on eggshells’ and told me to move on.
I told him that he did dismiss my feelings, he’s not a jerk for the joke but he was for overexplaining his side as it felt like he was still trying to push me to agree with his perspective.
That if he respects my feelings he wouldn’t keep trying to push his narrative on me. I understand his humor and I don’t think any less of him for it but throwing his opinion at me and then telling me not to talk about it feels like punishment because I don’t agree with his way of thinking and if he feels like he’s treading on eggshells it’s his fault for pushing the issue (I left out that it anyone’s treading on eggshells it’s me because this isn’t the first time I’ve said I disagree with him and got silent treatment or suggestions we can’t be friends.) I told him the best response the first time I said ‘no thanks’ would have been ‘not for you.
Gotcha’ and moved on to the bird video I tried to segway with.
Maybe I’m doing boundaries wrong, maybe I was triggered and screwed up. I don’t know! So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You asked not to get the content, his viewpoint is irrelevant.
He felt attacked because you didn’t want what he wanted to send. Red Flag that he is dismissive of your feelings. There is a VERY small section of times when those kinds of jokes are funny and even then only in certain contexts and certain types (yes I have a dark sense of humor, yes I’ve made some within this category, and yes I confirmed with the person first before cracking the joke because it related to their ex, out of respect, not sharing them).” User
1. AITJ For Ignoring My Partner's Sadness To Enjoy My Movie Night?
“So, I (M22) am seeing my partner of eight months (F21). The problem is the following:
Today, I decided to go to the movie theater with my siblings as a treat. I’ve been struggling with university time management and exams lately, so I haven’t had the time to relax except for watching shows in the evenings before bed. I always make sure to text my partner throughout the day because we both enjoy it.
For the last few days, she seemed down and mentioned she felt a bit sad lately. However, and I might be in the wrong here, I didn’t specifically ask why and instead, told her several times that I was sorry she felt that way and that I wished I could take her sadness away.
I told her that I’d go to the movie theater to watch a movie. She mentioned she’d missed me and I told her I’d miss her as well. Then, I turned off my phone and enjoyed the film.
Three hours later, I texted her that I was now free. Instead of asking me about the movie or how I was as she usually would, she sent a simple text message. I asked her what was wrong and she said she felt on a low mood.
Now, this is where I might be the jerk. But I genuinely didn’t want my mood to be ruined by this (I finally got to relax after weeks, I didn’t want to ruin it). So instead, I turned off my phone and talked to my friends who came along about the movie.
Then, as I arrived home, I turned on my phone to tell her that I got home. I realized that she wasn’t being as enthusiastic as before when telling me about her day and I realized that I hadn’t asked her how her day went.
When I did, she replied shortly, which isn’t normal. So I asked her what was wrong. Then she said that she was sad and wasn’t in the mood to talk, which made me upset because I wanted to talk to her before bed (I find it relaxing and sweet).
She said she loved me and that she hoped I rested well. And that I could tell her about the movie tomorrow because she felt drained.
I asked her why and she said that she missed me throughout the day and wanted to talk to me but I was busy with lessons (I forgot to because I was focused and stressed).
So I asked her why she didn’t want to now, and she said that she knew I’d doze off and not listen clearly as always. She said that her ‘excitement expired’ and wanted to talk tomorrow instead. I insisted on solving this before going to bed but she just said goodnight and is now offline.
I’m upset at the situation and really don’t understand what I did wrong.
Is my partner being emotional? Or am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“So, your partner told you she was sad and you didn’t ask why, and then you turned off your phone for three hours.
Then after the movie, you told her you were free to talk, asked her how she was, she told you she was feeling low, and then… you turned off your phone and ignored her further. >I realized that she wasn’t being as enthusiastic as before when telling me about her day and I realized that I hadn’t asked her how her day went.
When I did, she replied shortly, which isn’t normal. So I asked her what was wrong. How many times does the woman have to tell you that she’s feeling sad and down?! The next time you talk to your partner, why don’t you try *asking her why she is sad*?
I don’t know if you’re a jerk, but your communication skills really need some work.” Briella_Gem
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For saying you didn’t want her to ruin your mood so you turned off your phone AGAIN after saying you were done with the movie.
Then you expected her to talk to you when you wanted and she wasn’t up for it at that point. You could have said I’m going to the movies but let’s talk about how you’re feeling when I get home because you’ve been sad for a few days so I want to help you through this.” Ok-Yogurtcloset-4378
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She was trying to talk to you about her feelings. If your significant other being upset “ruins” your night to the point where you ignore her for 2+ hours with the phone off, then you don’t need a significant other.
It seems like she just wanted you to care about her, because your actions make you sound like you don’t care about her at all. She should find better.” VersionOld5432
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