People Want Us To Decide Who's The Jerk In Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. WIBTJ If I Don't Help My In-Laws?
“My in-laws are the sort who alienates most of their family members except for the select few. They also raised their children (M45 and M38 respectively) to always be suspicious of others (don’t invite others to your house cause they’ll be ‘inspecting’ and judging etc).
My husband (M38) does not have any relationship with my parents and has not seen them for years due to some disagreements several years back. I continue to have a relationship with my in-laws at my parents’ urging and continue to visit my parents monthly (without my husband) with my kids (M12 M10).
My in-laws were also previously the source of a lot of fights with my husband in the past.
My MIL has very recently been hospitalized for a mild stroke so she is unable to prepare for upcoming religious festivities. My MIL is a stay-at-home mom, my FIL is an odd-job worker and BIL (twice divorced, M45) does not work.
BIL owns a vehicle and is receiving govt handouts for his mental condition (schizophrenic). He was previously working and is capable of going out to buy his food when he does not like whatever MIL is cooking but absolutely refuses to help his parents with errands/chores when required.
Because my BIL is unhelpful and his mum would be recuperating after discharge, the husband said he will be heading over to his parents daily to help out with chores and will get my younger son to tag along to help out on a daily basis.
My husband also said for me to cook more for him to bring over to his parents, especially for the upcoming festivities.
WIBTJ if I disagree:
My sons will be sitting for their exams. The elder son is starting his exams this week (which is why the husband is not bringing him to his parents but insisted he will bring the elder one over the weekend).
Pushing back on Meal Requests: I have, on many occasions in the past, cooked meals for my in-laws. On each and every occasion, they will find fault with my cooking. FIL will say its too salty (everyone else says it’s fine and finishes the food), MIL will say it’s not crispy or nice enough and modify them to ‘cook it her way’ (no one else eats the final product of her modified cooking, not even her own sons).
I am cooking for my own family and catering to my family’s preferences. Cause my in-laws are so picky, I’ve been asked to accommodate their tastebuds.
I am currently working from home this week, hence, my desire to cook for my own family as much as I can (I can’t cook on the days I am in the office as I will be in the office for very long hours).
But I would still be working and cooking additional dishes for my in-laws will take more time than usual for me to prepare the food.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is not your job or your children’s job to help them. If your husband wants to help them, he can do it by himself.
Your children and you have more important things to take care of. They also have a son who could help them. You should not have to pick up the slack of your BIL. Your husband should get off his butt and make his brother do anything to help their parents.
It is not your job to help when there are two people already capable of doing it.” Deathtifier
Another User Comments:
“There are meal services they can get. It sounds like your husband is asking a lot of you given he won’t even interact with your parents. It’s not ok for him to assume you are going to cook for not only your family but for his own parents who are incredibly critical and ungrateful and difficult.
There are all kinds of meal delivery services they can get instead. NTJ.” pink4pink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband should get his brother to help. Your kids aren’t responsible for whatever is going on in the house of your in-laws. And above all: they don’t seem to enjoy your cooking, since they criticize whatever you make.
They can do this themselves as well.” Dork86
19. AITJ For Talking Back At My Mother-In-Law?
“My wife (32) and I (32) are from different countries. We just moved to her country and I am very slowly learning the language. So, I have a difficult time communicating with my in-laws & our cultures are different.
We just had a baby.
My in-laws are very attached to her. Overly attached to her and not respecting boundaries. My wife’s parents babysat our daughter. When we returned, I saw my MIL holding our baby. I wanted to hold her hand and my MIL pivoted the baby away from me and told me my hands are too cold.
Another day, the baby was crying in the next room and I went to go check on her. And my father-in-law told me to wait and let my wife and my MIL take care of it.
Then, I am holding the baby, trying to get her to sleep, and the baby starts crying.
My MIL comes up to me as I am holding the baby and tries to take her out of my hands without saying anything. (Not that we have much ability to communicate.)
This really annoyed me. I told my wife she needs to talk to her Mom and let her know she has to ask me before taking the baby out of my hands considering she is my daughter.
And the only person who can do that is my wife. My wife told me she talked to her Mom and that she will now ask before taking her.
This gets us to last Friday when my wife asked her parents to come over to our house to babysit for the night so we could go out and get a break for a few hours.
This would be the third day in a row that my MIL would have been at our house.
They come over a few hours before we are able to leave. I am working from home and she, my FIL, and my wife are all taking care of the baby and interacting with her.
I am by far the best at getting my daughter to sleep. So I am hurrying to finish work so I know she’s sleeping before we leave.
I see my MIL holding the baby over her shoulder and shaking a rattle in her face. I am a new parent but this seems like a less-than-ideal way to get her to calm down and go to sleep.
I suggest hushing her and rocking her in her arms.
I go into the other room and talk to my wife saying she is never going to sleep. My wife tells me everyone has their own method of trying to get her to sleep. This annoyed me. A few minutes later I went up to my MIL and without saying anything, but clearly motioning with my arms, that I wanted to take the baby from her.
This is when she pivots her hips and turns the baby away from me and says ‘No, (my name)’.
This made me angry. I should have just calmly talked to my wife because I clearly don’t have the vocabulary to explain my feelings in a nuanced way. So, I basically, said, no, and took her out of her arms.
The baby continues crying with me and I guess it’s getting my adrenaline going and I start complaining to my wife about what just happened. My MIL hears us and comes into the room. I tell her in a very basic language with a raised voice, ‘don’t say no to me like that’.
My wife gets very mad at me and it causes a multi-day fight. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…
Your MIL is stepping wayyy over the line here. What is it with it the entitlement of YOUR baby? This is hard because you’ve moved into their country and are having a hard time adjusting… but you and your Wife need to set up real strong boundary lines and keep them because as your baby gets older, they will intrude even more and cause a further divide between you and your Wife.
I’ve read several MIL nightmare stories in the past few days and I am just shocked by how these Gramma’s are left alone to cross the lines…” lauraisabelgonzalez
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for yelling at your MIL, your MIL for overstepping boundaries and reinforcing the gender norm that men can’t handle babies, and your wife for not talking to her own mother enough to change her behavior knowing you didn’t like it.
It shouldn’t have gotten to this point.” yanivelkneivel
Another User Comments:
“Sounds like you are now getting to truly experience what kind of family dynamics your wife comes from. You need to have clear boundaries with your MIL and wife but also it sounds like she is over at your home way too much.
Your wife has bad boundaries with her domineering mother. You need to figure out how to get your wife to understand and respect you as a father and the care you want to give your baby and for her to grow the spine it will take to stand up to her overbearing mother who feels territorial about your baby or this relationship is going to fall apart.
You are learning the language and culture. It doesn’t sound like you have the support of anyone right now. NTJ.” pink4pink
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here, honestly I completely understand you wanting boundaries, especially with your own child. And in that aspect you are NTJ. However, it’s very obvious there are big cultural differences between you and your wife’s family.
A part that stood out is the FIL telling you to let the MIL or your wife get the baby. It shows that your MIL has always had to take care of the children and honestly, she probably thinks you either don’t know how or ‘aren’t capable’ of taking care of this child on your own.
Doesn’t help that the baby will continue to cry in front of your mil too.
You and your wife need to have another talk especially if you guys only spoke about it once beforehand. If there’s even a way to have your wife and her parents and you all sit down and speak about it.
Have her translate or maybe try learning some of the language to be able to communicate more efficiently. Speak with them and make sure you are all on the same page. Those are the grandparents of your child. You are the father of their grandchild. You guys are in it for the long run and the sooner you have those boundaries and uncomfortable talks the easier and better it’ll be for everyone.” Thirtydownb
18. AITJ For Not Following My Friend To The Emergency Room?
“I (27F) have been friends with Ana (23F) for about a year now.
She is reckless. And I do care a lot about her but she has pushed my boundaries too much and ended up hurting herself and our friends are annoyed at me for not dropping everything for this situation.
The backstory which I feel is important: a week ago we went on a backcountry skiing expedition where we were 8 miles away from any help and the crew was being reckless at 2 am trying to do backflips off a jump, wasted. I told them that after she and 2 of our friends landed extremely badly, no more flips.
I get met with mom jokes and the like. They keep doing it. I tell them then I’m leaving, and not dealing with any consequences for the night. I drew my boundaries there, I’m not dealing with reckless injuries.
Fast forward to today, its ski closing day. We’ve all been drinking all day and we sit down for a break.
Ana (most wasted of all) and our other friend say they want to keep skiing. I say nah, ‘I’m not hurting myself on closing day, we should hang here’ and get met with lame ‘mom’ of the group jokes. I again say I’m not dealing with the consequences of their recklessness and they leave.
A few of our friends come back and say Ana hurt herself and is being taken to the ER. I say I’m not picking up the pieces as I’ve warned, I’m going to continue my party as planned, sorry not sorry. They leave. I see them later and get berated for the fact that I’m cold and heartless.
I feel I set that boundary, multiple times and with explicit intent. I don’t like sitting in hospitals, and I know that drinking and skiing equal injuries. AITJ for refusing to be there and am I heartless? My friends are considering disowning me over this. She dislocated her elbow and is fine overall.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You did set boundaries and told them you weren’t dealing with any consequences from the choices they make. They made their choices. Not your problem. This shows a side of your friends that isn’t pleasant. They don’t respect your boundaries. People who don’t respect someone’s boundaries don’t respect the person.” Dry_Dragonfruit_4191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you warned them to stop and clearly stated on numerous occasions that you would not deal with any reckless consequences. Your friends then played it off like you’re some un-fun loser, but want you to fix things? Sorry but despite them being rude and calling you their ‘mum’ you are not obligated to act like one and pick up their mess.
They are old enough to know better.” megs_in_space
Another User Comments:
“Absolute NTJ. They could have injured other people, even kids. I live in a mountain area where there are dozens of ski accidents every year, the worst being young kids run over by adults, who ended up dying because of it.
They can be reckless with themselves, not where other people are around. Find yourself better friends” onlylosthopes
17. WIBTJ If I Don't Let My Partner's Mom In The Delivery Room?
“I am 34 weeks pregnant. Obviously not how I wanted my life to go but I’m very happy with my baby! My dad and partner’s family have been very supportive throughout the whole pregnancy, especially my partner’s mom.
My mom died when I was 4 years old and my dad chose to never remarry so I’ve never had a mother figure. Normally, most people have their moms in the room which bothered me at first but my dad said he’d be more than willing to be there in her place for me.
I agreed since he’s always been my comfort person and I also wanted my partner to be in the room as well.
My hospital still has the two people in the delivery room policy so I can’t have anyone else. When I told my partner’s mom this she got upset.
I guess she thought I’d have her in the room and not my dad because she was like my mother figure. Now I love this woman will all my heart but I don’t consider her my parent. I do not have the heart to tell her that. I wish she could be there but the hospital has strict rules that I have no right to change.
I’m not willing to give up my dad’s spot and it’s my partner’s child. She’s been very distant and I’m pretty sure she’s ignoring me right now. I don’t want to upset anyone but I don’t think I could give birth without my dad there.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your partner’s mother had no right to assume she would be in the delivery room. This is a big and incredibly personal moment for you and you need to be comfortable with the support you have around you. Being a mother herself, she should know what a stressful time this can be and that any additional, unnecessary drama/stress can be too much for you and the baby.
Ask your partner to talk to her about this. This happy occasion shouldn’t be tainted with the dramas of a person behaving so entitled and selfishly.” Dont-trust-it
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother-in-law is having a highly inappropriate sulk at your expense.
She may be a delightful loving person as you seem to think but her presumption that she could usurp your dad is so out of line that it makes my head spin.
You didn’t ask this but I want to suggest that you do not bend over backward to make her feel all right about this.
You made the only possible decision and while it is great to be kind you don’t want to set a precedent of catering to her moods if she is already this possessive.
You are young, so I get why she feels inclined to ‘mom’ you up, and that’s great when it’s a bonus but in this instance, it’s a burden.
It’s not truly kindness if the person being kind presupposes an obligation on your part.
You will already have way more responsibility than someone at your age would ideally have to shoulder, what with the baby coming.
The adults in your life should be seeking to lighten your load.” brasscup
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You do care about her deeply, however, your dad has been there for you ALOT longer. She probably finds it ‘different’ that you would want a man in there with you besides the daddy.
Get up the courage to ask her what is going on. Tell her you have felt some ‘distance’ from her. Is she upset you want your dad there and not her? Find out now. Your dad will obviously not be able to understand problems with feeding or post-partum bleeding, but you will turn to her for that.
Let her know how much you care about her. Have these discussions with her soon. She will always be grandma, and you MUST foster open communication now.” BrendaLouBrendaLou
16. AITJ For Not Accommodating My Group Member?
“I am currently enrolled in a master’s program and live at my own place near the university I attend. I had a group project to work on and my cousin (23F) and another coursemate (23F) are part of the group.
Last week, we were working on the report related to the project and both girls were at my place.
It was getting considerably late and my cousin felt tired and did not want to make the trip back to her house (about an hour from my place) and told my uncle and aunt. The other girl did not bother calling anyone and just announced she was sleeping over. Here is where the problem starts.
I have 2 bedrooms, my own and a spare. The spare has a single bed where only one person can sleep. My room has a double bed but there is no way I am letting anyone use my room. I have a couch but not the kind you can sleep on because it will be a painful place to sleep on.
Additionally, like my father, I am rather conservative on such matters. The other girl is just an acquaintance. My cousin is family. I can accommodate the cousin but not the other girl as there was no reason to. One phone call would be enough to get her a ride back.
She obviously refused and insisted on staying. My cousin also told her it would be for the best if she went but she was being bratty (bad word for a 23-year-old but no better way to describe it). I understand it was 11 at night but still, why couldn’t she call someone to pick her up?
I offered to pay for an uber as well but no. We literally spent 2 hours arguing on this till she up and left on her own. She stayed with another girl who lived nearby.
The problem came in the morning when some of our classmates and mutual friends heard what I did.
Apparently, I endangered a girl by not accommodating her that night (ignoring that she had friends she could stay with and her family apparently lived 15 MINUTES near my place). Cousin shared the story with uncle and aunt and of course, it made its way to my parents. My siblings and mother are angry, my father is understanding.”
Another User Comments:
“You are NTJ. It is your place, your rules. She had places she could go, and it is not your job to be her babysitter for a night. Her reaction to it makes her the jerk and I think you calling her bratty is the right word for it or self-entitled. Also, the fact she did not even ask you but just decided to try and stay is a red flag.
You did not endanger her when she has friends and family so close. They are overreacting to something minor to make you look like the bad guy.” Deathtifier
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is responsible for her own safe return. Her asking if she can stay over is fine, but you do not have to agree to it.
People are not entitled to your space, because they cannot get home at 11. You could have stayed on the phone with her as she was in the Uber to make her feel safer, but that is it. 15 minutes is not far and if she did not like it she should have done it at her house or online.
Bratty is the right word in this situation.” emotionallyunstabley
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she invited herself, plus and this is where it’s really evident you are NTJ, you offered to pay for a ride back. So no you did not put a girl in danger for that reason. You have a reasonable alternative.
So now it shows she just wanted to sleep in your bed which is creepy. Conservative or not, no one has the right to impose themselves on you in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I’m not conservative at all. Quite the opposite and have spent many a night sleeping next to friends.
However, I would not let someone I don’t know well sleep in my home or next to me. You did the right thing for you and made sure she had a safe way home. You are covered.” Alienne8r
15. AITJ For Quitting Early?
“I moved to a new job with a description and scope similar to my previous role.
Long story short, the new job was like 1/10th of the responsibility I had in my previous job.
On the first day, I was introduced to the team and my boss asked, ‘How are you today?’ I assumed I could answer with, ‘Fine sir, thank you’. But my boss told me ‘I didn’t ask you I was asking the others’.
After the introduction, he gave me an assignment for the end of the month. He said I could submit it in any form I want to and I was free to use any means to report. After I submitted the requests, I got no feedback or reply or whatsoever. I tried setting weekly meetings with my boss so I can update something.
I asked if he had any feedback for the previous jobs I sent, and he said ‘You’re wasting my time by attaching files to the email. I don’t have time to open the attachment.’
In the next weekly update, he gave me feedback for the report I showed to him, and I thought I could implement it in the next weekly update, so I moved on and improved my next report.
But then, on the next update, he was angry with me because I didn’t improve the data from the previous week (the data is updated weekly). He questioned me more and of course, I couldn’t answer because I didn’t prepare improvement for the previous week’s data. He then said, ‘You’re wasting my time’ and left the Zoom.
I received a phone call from his secretary who told me that my boss thought I should start looking for another job within this month because it’s less likely I would pass my probation.
Fast forward 3 weeks later, my boss emailed me to come to the office by lunch at 9 PM (I worked only until 6 PM) and my house was 1 hour from the office by car with no traffic.
I opened the email in the morning and rushed to the office which then questioned with ‘Don’t you have any willingness to go earlier in the morning’ and I simply said, ‘I just opened your email at 9 AM sir, it was not possible for me to go any faster.’ He told me to stay in the office working on some data until 7 PM, which honestly can be done from home.
In the same week, I got an offer from one of the places I was in process and the following Monday, I told him that I wish to not continue my employment after my probation. He then told me to have a part-time job in the company until they can find a replacement and told me ‘IF only you have told me earlier then we could find someone faster.’ And I was like ‘well, I just got the offer last Thursday.’ I said that I would assist and make time for transfer knowledge once they have found my replacement, but my boss wants ‘the best for both of us’.
AITJ if I reject the part-time opportunity? I’m a single contributor, so literally, I have no team with the same role, and from what I know, the last person in my current position quit after his probation ended and it took them 2 years to ‘find’ me.
AITJ overall? Is this normal?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Probation is for both parties – a trial to see if they like you and a trial to see if you like them.
Your boss literally told you to find another job, and also isn’t any good at communicating what he needs from you. That’s his problem.
If he can’t find a replacement in time before you leave, that’s also his problem.
He should know that it’s a possibility that you don’t continue after your probation and manage accordingly. He failed to do that. Especially if it has taken him two years to find someone for this role, maybe he should reflect on why that is and work harder to make sure the person in the role is happy and that knowledge is documented during the role in case someone leaves.
This is all his responsibility and he has failed at it.
Most importantly, what is best for him doesn’t matter to you. He hasn’t shown any interest in what’s best for you and has given you no reason to want to help him out. So why should you?
Do what’s best for you.
Offer to work at consultant rates when they find a replacement, to transition the role. If he wants your expertise after you leave because he can’t retain staff, then he can pay the higher rates that come with that.
But there are zero reasons you have to accept a part-time role with a jerk boss just to cover his butt.” Left-Car6520
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like it was a bad fit and it works best for you to move on. You aren’t doing anything wrong by bailing (especially if the secretary was telling you that you should be looking at other options). Unless you have a contract that says otherwise, you give your notice, wrap up what you can and then move on to the next gig.
It’s not ideal to have a week of notice, but you were also in a probationary period where someone told you that you would likely not be retained.” rmric0
Another User Comments:
“You gave them your two weeks’ notice, which is a courtesy, not a requirement. Heck, you could just not come in tomorrow and you’d have every right to do so.
What’s your EX-boss going to do, fire you? Don’t give that company any more loyalty than they would show you: Your old company would drop you like a hot potato with no warning and no guilt if the whim hit them, so don’t feel like you owe them any more than the two weeks you originally told them.
NTJ. Don’t take a part-time job. It’s simply not your responsibility to bend over backward because they staffed their businesses poorly. Your boss’ staffing and training issues are solely a ‘them’ problem, not a ‘you’ problem. This is why he’s paid the big bucks, let him sink or swim on his own.
Congrats on the new job and leave this current one after your two weeks are up guilt-free!” DiligentPenguin16
14. AITJ For Snapping Back At My Cousin?
“I have a cousin (F27) who I used to be close to growing up but not anymore. For background, she acts like she is still in high school despite graduating a decade ago. Example telling someone they’re not cool enough to talk to her, needs to compete with everyone on popularity or getting really upset if someone else in the family gets the cool new gadget/bag/trip before her.
After I moved to another town for work, I distanced myself from her. For the most part, if I see her at family events I just say hello, we don’t keep in touch except for a birthday wish every year. The estrangement was a long time coming and the final straw was when she said that she’d always felt inferior to me and worked hard to be better.
I am happy about her achievements but it made me feel weird about being in a competition I never asked for.
Now to the current issue. She has this running comment that every time she comes to see me, I am in the bathroom. At first, I didn’t notice it but then she’d start saying it everywhere.
At a formal dinner, ‘haha OP is always ********.’ At a sick relative’s house. ‘Oh, I am surprised you came here how did you leave the throne for long enough?’ Now it mildly annoyed me because it wasn’t true and it was a weird thing to fixate on and she and I don’t have a relationship.
We were at my aunt’s house one day and in front of a lot of extended family, she made a bathroom reference. I wasn’t amused and ignored her. She then loudly proceeded to discuss my bowel movements. I snapped and told her hey I guess I’m always in there because I have to make room for you and your crap.
She got really quiet and left the room in tears. I guess I could have dealt with it better. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“She won the stupid prize for her stupid games. She obviously has jealousy issues toward you. Kudos to you for the great clap back. She deserved it.
It is beyond creepy and weird that she’s discussing your bodily functions. I have a feeling it’s to make you feel inferior because apparently, she feels that way (one-sided from your post). Just keep that distance. If you do feel bad, only apologize to those present at the party for snapping that way, but be firm that she had it coming too.
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
NTJ” alittleamgpie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ classic case of ‘can dish it out but not take it’
She was making rude comments for zero reason and trying to embarrass you for no reason, she needed to be shut down because what frigging weirdo talks about their cousin’s bowel movement??” Tea-Quirky
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What is her problem? If she is childish enough to keep making bathroom references and to keep going on about them, she should get put in her place. Maybe now she will think twice about making comments about you. She obviously continued with these comments because you kept quiet and she got away with them.
She needs to realize she cannot run her mouth off with no repercussions. She is not ten years old.” Various-Bridge-325
13. AITJ For Wanting My Husband To Apologize To Me?
“A few nights ago, our baby woke up at around 2 AM and I asked my husband to get a bottle (this is his little job). I got no response so assumed he was sleeping so I prompted him again to ask if he can get a bottle. His very annoyed response was ‘OKAY!’ And then a ‘Jesus Christ!
I was nodding’. Disclaimer – I can’t see at all without my glasses on (something he is fully aware of since we’ve been together for 7 years) so I did not see a nod at all. Not to mention, I was trying to soothe a baby that was getting increasingly agitated without food so my focus was on her.
He then waits a little while longer and goes downstairs to grab a bottle. I change her diaper and go back to sleep without saying anything. At this point, I’m upset and mad but I decided to give it a rest. Baby wakes again at 6 AM and is very hungry (she didn’t finish her 2 AM bottle) and this time he goes and gets it without me asking.
He hands me the bottle and I take it from him (maybe a little too forcefully – I acknowledge I’m the jerk for that straight up) and then he says ‘I don’t know why you’re so mad’ to which I reply it must have something to do with him snapping at me at 2 AM.
He continues to say he was nodding, with no semblance of an ‘I’m sorry I snapped I was tired, etc’, that I’m the one who’s wrong for getting mad about it. So I told him to go sleep in the other room. He then grabs his hydro flask and throws it across the room, it goes into the bathroom and smashes into the sink.
If you have a hydro flask you’ll know that those things are indestructible but there was a massive dent in the side. He then proceeds to shout ‘YOU’RE SUCH A JERK’ and leaves the room. I’ll add our baby has an exaggerated startle reflex so sudden loud noises freak her out.
Am I the jerk for wanting him to continue his last 2 hours of sleep in another room after the way I was treated?
It’s now 4 days later and he’s trying to see normal with me without having apologized. I don’t converse with him at all except to respond to his questions about the baby or anything else baby related. You might say ‘communicate with him’ I see this a lot in responses to other posts but why should I initiate a conversation to request his apology?
Shouldn’t he be apologizing to me? AITJ for wanting an apology?
A little backstory first: We had a baby 12 weeks ago. We are both mostly tired but the baby has been better at night which has allowed us both to get a decent amount of sleep.”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You both are tired, so things like this come up. It’s just part of the territory with young babes.
His throwing nonsense is not okay. Not apologizing is not okay.
Your being too proud to initiate a convo despite its importance to you makes you the jerk too.
The reason why you need to initiate the convo is that you can’t seem to get past the incident, which is understandable. So you can either be immature and play games or you can see it as an opportunity to learn how to handle conflict better in your relationship.
Whatever you choose, remember another common AITJ response:
Play stupid games, get stupid prizes.” 4682458
Another User Comments:
“Him throwing the flask is a jerk move. No compensating for that so it would be either ‘everyone sucks here’ or NTJ.
I don’t think it was fair for you to ask him to sleep in the other room at that point.
From his perspective, he agreed to get the bottle by nodding. He thought you saw this and got annoyed when you asked again since he had already agreed.
You need to have a conversation about it and get past it all. Doesn’t really matter who starts it or who explicitly says ‘sorry’.
Although I imagine it will entail you apologizing for not seeing him nod agreement plus forcefully taking 2nd bottle, and him apologizing for getting snippy plus throwing a flask. The important parts are that you understand why he ‘snipped’ in the first place plus how to prevent/mitigate that in the future, and he understands why you felt attacked plus how he should react to feeling how he felt when you asked the 2nd time in the future.
I guess since the question was ‘AITJ for wanting an apology’ I’d say no, but everyone sucks here. You’re well within your right to want an apology but it is pretty immature to withhold healthy conversation for 4 days because you require an apology while he is ‘trying to see normal with you’.” windowtothesoul
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. He is a jerk for snapping the way he did, especially the second time when he threw the bottle. YTJ because you don’t want to talk to him, aren’t you supposed to be married? ‘Why should I…’ because you’re married and care about your relationship and want to share your feelings with your husband?
Why not sit down with him, explain how you feel, and ask for an apology, and then if he proceeds to be a jerk you’re ‘justified’. Now you’re just playing games. I really don’t understand people that go on for days without talking to their partner. Do you just like to wallow in the drama?
Also, why are you both up when the baby is up, why don’t you compromise so one night he can sleep and you the next one? I see no sense in why he has ‘his little job’ to get the baby bottle when you’re already up.” saddiebabbie
12. WIBTJ If I Get My Hair Color Fixed?
“I (19F) wanted to get my hair done for a while, though I didn’t have the budget for it. My friend Shawn (18F) offered to do it for me and I can pay them when my paycheck comes in.
They gave me highlights, and I first thought they were cool. I told them that I love my hair. But now after two days of looking at my hair, I decided that I really don’t like it. I want my brown hair back. I haven’t told them yet but I’m planning to get it color-corrected by a salon near me.
It’s gonna cost an arm and a leg but I’m really not happy with my hair at the moment.
Though I’m still planning to give them the money for their time. I just feel bad because they loved how my hair looks. I’m so weird about my hair because I’ve been on a journey to fix it.
So, WIBTJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You’re still planning on paying your friend, which is good. If you don’t like the highlights, you don’t like them, that’s perfectly ok!
We’re all very different when it comes to our hair and I’m sure your friend will understand that you’ve decided highlights just aren’t for you.” SeekingBeskar
Another User Comments:
“NTJ as long as you do pay up in the end! If they ask, you can always say that you changed your mind. Sometimes we decide we like something new in the spur of the moment when excitement is still high, and the novelty wears off quickly.
Nothing wrong with that.” Rexcaliburrr
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have to live with your hair – no one else and if you hate it you are going to hate looking at yourself in the mirror and feel unattractive. As long as you pay your friend for the work they did, just explain that you loved it at first, but now you have decided you want your natural hair back.” Various-Bridge-325
11. AITJ For Not Going To My Aunt's Funeral?
“This happened a year or two ago, I must have been at least 13-14.
Not to speak ill of the deceased but she did a lot of awful stuff to people.
Never personally had a bad experience with her and actually have quite a nice memory of her gifting me a Minnie Mouse that I still have today. Even so, I barely have any memories of her and hold no attachment to her. Even now knowing the tea I have heard from both parents and brother, I don’t feel hatred for her or anything, it was just as if a stranger is gone to me.
Actually, it wasn’t until she’s gone was that I discovered she was my godparent, which surprised me because I genuinely thought I didn’t have any.
I told my parents I didn’t want to go but I bet they just had that as a sticky note and just expected me to go anyways.
On the day of the funeral, I had made an excuse of having a test I could not miss, which was half-true as I did have a test but I could have easily done it later. Because of this, my brother (M25 at the time) did not go either, our neighborhood is not the greatest and a teenage girl alone is a no-go.
When they came back they yelled at my brother about not going. My brother was very annoyed, apparently, our parents got mad because none of their children went to the funeral and pushed it all onto my brother. (Note: We have an older sister who is out of the house, she has cut all contact with our distant family for reasons even I am not sure of, she was informed of the funeral and did not go).
The argument was harsh from what I remembered, apparently, our mother was very angry.
In addition, I think our already distant relationship with our cousins had decreased a lot, they can’t even stand us in the same room anymore and often ignore us now. They are the children of my auntie who is deceased and another cousin whose parents no longer associate with mine, they are quite close from what I got from my mother who said they were the shoulder my cousins cried on and that should have been us (which sounds really stupid).
Other than that, nothing has changed really (we’re all on good terms). I have to admit if my sister had gone or my brother pushed me to go, I would have gone begrudgingly and it was not a big thing to just go to support my parents, if I had to be honest the only real reason I did not go was that my family are all immigrants and only speak their foreign language while I don’t and did not want to deal with awkwardness with trying to make up the fake sorrows while butchering the language.
I only regret not going because I caused my brother to get into an argument and slightly ruin my mother’s reputation in her family during that time, I mean it must have looked bad for the godchild of the deceased woman had not gone along with their siblings.
So to put my mind in peace, am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“Very mild YTJ. Part of being in a family (more broadly, any relationship of 2+ humans) means having duty or obligations: things you have to do for the group that you may personally not wanna do.
In this case, it sounds like it would have been nice support for your parents.
But it’s very mild jerkish given you didn’t really know her. You also lied to get out of it, which isn’t great.” yanivelkneivel
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You should have gone, even if you were not that close to her. She was still family and fairly closely related to you.
It would have been respectful to go. However, your parents are jerks for yelling at your brother. He was trying to protect you, and he did not deserve to get yelled at for it. Also, if your family is so uptight that they will ruin relationships and ignore you guys because you did not want to go to a funeral, you really did not lose a lot.
That might be for the best anyway.” Deathtifier
Another User Comments:
“Sadly I have to go with a soft YTJ here.
When it comes to funerals you have to******* up and go. Especially if it is such a close family as a parental sibling.
Unless this person has done something unforgivable to you or your family, social protocol dictates that you go there.
Show yourself and then leave when it is appropriate to do so.
A funeral is not for the deceased as much as for the surviving relatives, and a niece and nephew not showing up (especially if you are the only ones) is not considered socially acceptable (unless, as stated above, the deceased has done something to you or your family that would warrant your absence.
Which judging by your own text, she has not).” Ensiferrum
10. AITJ For Telling On My Brother To His Fiancée?
“I’m (22f) and my younger (18 yo) brother announced to me that he’s going to give up on school and travel.
He doesn’t have any budget for that, he’s not prepared to face the consequences of not knowing the laws of other countries and he really thinks he would be able to sleep in a tent anywhere he wants and hunt in the woods for food. No matter how calmly I was trying to explain that it’s not that easy and he should think about it for at least a year more, he’s still stuck up to his ‘adventure’.
And it’s not like he can actually communicate with anyone on his way, because his English is lacking so much that he wouldn’t understand what I’m even writing here.
I’m so scared that something will happen to him so even though he asked me not to tell anyone from our family, I told my fiance all of it.
It’s too much for me to carry it alone, especially since my brother and I were always very close. Unfortunately, now my fiance wants to tell our parents about that because he can’t stand the state I’m in right now, which is in a constant fear of how my little brother will survive.
Adding to that, he was going to ask, my brother to be his best man at our wedding and now we’re not even sure if he’s still gonna be around to do so. I don’t know what to do and I’m starting to think that maybe I should tell our parents about all of this.
It’s not like any of us can force him to stay but still. So am I the jerk for telling on my brother to my fiance and now thinking about going with this to the rest of the family?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but for now I’d keep it between yourselves (if the brother is going to be the best man then he must have a good relationship with your fiance).
Do some proper research together into just what is involved in extensive travel abroad – a lot of his prospective countries likely require entry visas which could include declaring up front how he would support himself during the stay if it’s beyond a usual ‘holiday’ duration, with deportation the reward for trying to live ‘off the radar’.
Present all this info to him in an even-handed, rather than pleading way. My take is that he’s feeling a bit lost at 18 and not sure his current path is right for him, so play along with his plan whilst outlining the difficulties, and he might find a new way forward.” Riquende
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – I can completely understand your brother’s point of view he is young with a strong sense of adventure. A big part of the fearlessness of youth comes from a sense of invulnerability. It is always hard to watch people do things that we think (or even know) are stupid or self-defeating.
But to be fair if he is ever going to do something like this, now would be the time. When he is young and courageous enough to do it and a part of growing up is making your own mistakes and learning from them.
All that said that doesn’t stop people who are more grounded and understanding of the dangers around every turn from worrying.
I don’t think you are a jerk for genuinely worrying about your brother. Honestly, I don’t even think you would be a jerk if you told your parents. Although I’m sure your brother would think you were one for betraying his trust.
What you have to ask yourself is what you can live with.
Kinda do a risk assessment of both most probable and worse case scenarios with either decision and pair that with their likelihood of happening and decide what you would be able to live with. Do you break your brother’s trust and potentially wreck his dreams or cause a blow-up in your family if they forbid him and he goes anyway?
Do you not say anything and then something actually happens and you have to live with the fact that you could have told?
I don’t have an answer here. I will say that it would be a complete jerk move if your fiancé told on him. I get that he cares about you and probably even him but it is totally not his place.
If you are that concerned it should totally come from you.” SonOfSet1
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
First, anytime someone says ‘don’t tell anyone from the family,’ they’re making the listener share their burden. And very rarely are the reasons for it good. In this case, I suspect the brother knows that everyone would try to talk him out of his fantasy, and doesn’t want to defend it.
Did you have the option of not hearing his plans? Or did he tell you -then- demand secrecy?
Second, I think it’s actually too great a burden to put on one person. You shared it with the person close to you because you needed to.
I don’t know if the parents need to be told, so much as the brother told ‘I cannot keep this secret.
I didn’t consent to keep the secret, and I don’t want to.’ But the brother IS of age.” Available-Love7940
9. AITJ For Not Letting My Homeless Dad Live With Us?
“For context, my parents broke up when I was younger due to several reasons, but mainly because of my dad’s illegal substance problem.
Soon after he moved away to the state he is from, eventually, my brother moved with him. After over 20 years of my parents not being together, my dad is still not fully over it. He never got into any serious relationships in all that time. Ever since we were little, he would make me and my brother feel bad for him for any reason he would think of (i.e. not calling him enough, spending more time with our stepdad and mom).
I also don’t think he even stopped doing illegal substances.
Surprisingly, he did for the most part, keep a job until recently.
Fast forward to now. I’m a 27-year-old (female), I have a husband and kids and for the past 7 years, he has lived with us off and on until recently.
He got arrested for having illegal substance on him. I previously told him that if this happened to not call me, but of course he did and he made me feel bad like usual. I’ve been helping him a little by giving him rides to court and we let him stay the night a couple of times after I told him he couldn’t stay with us anymore because I don’t want my kids around an addict (he was living with us rent free for months when he got arrested).
He has a vehicle but it’s very unreliable. He gives me so much stress and anxiety because he’s so irresponsible and he expects me to help him with everything. He currently doesn’t have a place to live, because he lost a good job about 2 years ago and although he was receiving unemployment, he wasn’t paying his rent or any other bills.
We even paid his bills a couple of times, plus we pay his cell phone bill every month since he lost his job. He currently has a job that he’s been working at for about 2 months, but he will likely get fired because he keeps taking days off and leaving early for whatever reason.
I’m so drained/burnt out at this point, he makes all of his problems mine.
My brother doesn’t talk to him much and I don’t blame him but it leaves the burden on me since my dad doesn’t speak to his family. I have my own family now and I just want to be able to focus on my husband and kids and not have my kids exposed to his manipulation. AITJ for not letting my dad live with me causing him to be homeless?
I would also love to hear if anyone has been through a similar experience and what you did to move past it.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your father has a problem, but it is not YOUR problem. You need to protect your children now, and by protecting them, you are going to have to cut your father off.
Don’t look at this as you protecting your father, he is an adult and can find resources, your children need you for their protection, and seeing all of this can mentally cause problems. I watched my mother bend over backward for her family over and over again and never see any improvement, or have anyone do the same for her.
My therapist says the reason I think I deserve to be used (or at least accept it) is that I watched my mom be used by her family for so long at such a young age. Don’t let your children think this behavior is okay, to use or be used as your father is using you.” KandyShop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your dad has never really been a dad, and you have never really been a daughter to him. You are just another person for him to use. However, since he’s your dad, you may want to check with a lawyer to make sure there aren’t any state laws that require you to take care of him.”ChapSteve711
Another User Comments:
“You are so NTJ. His addiction is not your responsibility and it sounds like you have provided him with clear help, boundaries, and love. He hasn’t respected those things and now it is time to protect you, your husband, and your small children.
There is support for you available – Nar-Anon can provide you with the support and encouragement you need for the difficult situation your dad has put you in.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. The guilt is crushing, but he has proven that the support you are able to give is not what he needs to find his path to recovery. It is time for him to find his own path.” Not-Creative-0921
8. AITJ For Replying To My Best Friend's Ex?
“Me, Alex, Amy, and Justice have been in a friend group for four years. In the summer of 2021, Alex, Amy, and Justice became friends with John because they were doing community service together.
Previously, I and John knew each other since 2017, and we spent every day together, we were close but we lost touch. They made a group chat and invited me to join.
We became close with him. Alex started forming a crush on John. I and John became close again. We started talking again and it was like we picked up where we left off.
We had the same humor and we played Fortnite.
John told us about his ex and how badly she treated him and we all agreed with the stories he told. 2 months later, Alex told John how she felt, John said he felt the same way but he still had feelings for his ex too.
He told her to not wait on him to figure things out. A few weeks later, he posted on his Snapchat a photo of him and his ex together. Alex was hurt and since she was hurt, we were hurt. We ended up trashing him over text about how wrong that was and that ended the group we had with him in it.
His last text to us was saying how he’ll miss us and maybe one day we all can be friends again.
In February of 2022, everyone blocked him but me. They still did community service with him and Alex decided to make peace with him because of that. He told her how he missed us and Alex agreed to be nice.
He posted on his Snap a photo of his new haircut and I texted him saying it was nice. I told Alex, Amy, and Justice I texted him and they started berating me asking why I texted him in the first place and asking why I was being nice to him.
I gave my reason and they stopped talking to me for 2 days.
On April 1st, Alex said John texted her saying he missed us and wanted us to get back in touch. I told her how I missed him and she should say something since she said she missed him too.
30 minutes later, she said it was an April Fool’s joke. I asked Alex not to tell Amy and Justice what I said and 10 minutes later she told them how I said I missed him and they were upset I admitted I missed him.
Today out of the blue, John texted me asking when are me and him going to play Fortnite again.
I told Alex he texted me and she told me to leave him on read. I wanted to respond to be nice, she then told me to not text him back and then said I am a people pleaser (I did not tell her what I was going to say to him).
I then get several texts from Justice about the situation when I did not tell her what happened. She starts cursing at me how I am a bad friend for choosing to text him back when he hurt us. She also called me a people pleaser and said I am stupid for texting him.
I did not respond to them after they texted me and I left them on read. I texted John ‘I don’t know when I can play I’m kinda busy with school at the moment’ so he will not be waiting on me to respond.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I’m guessing you guys are teens. To put it very bluntly, your friends are bullying you into shunning John because Alex is bitter. When you’re young, someone rejecting you feels like the end of the world and I’m sure Alex was deeply hurt.
But John didn’t lie.
John said no despite being a little into her and informed Alex he had feelings for his ex and that’s why they shouldn’t start anything.
There was no relationship. There was no infidelity.
It’s been almost a year.
You and John were friends.
At this point, Alex is throwing a temper tantrum because John didn’t pick her.
You are not in the wrong here. If you’d like, be honest with John about what’s going on.
But your friends outside of him have been very very cruel to you.
You deserve better.” yourimmortalsnail
Another User Comments:
“You need new friends.
No one but you gets to decide who you talk to and why, I understand John hurt your friend, but he was honest with her from the beginning.
He didn’t lead her on, he didn’t start going out with her and then leave, nor did he lie to her. The only people your pleasing is them, cause you obviously miss John but have cut him off for THEM.
Please reach out to John and play Fortnite, and drop those other girls, way too much drama and way too controlling.
NTJ for wanting to maintain your own separate friendships, but you’ll be a jerk if you continue to let these so-called ‘friends’ dictate your life.” latefordinner__
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your friends are all ridiculous. Alex needs to get over herself and stop thinking she’s the center of the universe, and your other friends need to grow up.
You all sound like you’re in some kind of mean girl’s clique.
John was honest about his feelings for Alex, he told her she liked him, but still liked his ex. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said that they were ever actually an item. Therefore, John is completely free to post whatever pictures he likes of his ex.
If that hurts Alex, that’s on her to deal with. Any expectation that John should be shunned for, you know, having feelings that don’t center on Alex is ridiculous, unless I’ve misunderstood, and John and Alex were actually in a relationship.
You are free to be friends with whomever you like.
Sure, that does have consequences. If you remained friends with someone who genuinely acted like a jerk, then you can be rightfully expected to be shunned, but frankly, it doesn’t sound like John actually did anything actively hurtful on purpose, he just lived his life, and spoke honestly about his feelings.
Yes, that might have hurt Alex, but that’s for her to deal with, it’s not something anyone else needs to be concerned with.
Unlikely, that is, I misread, and that John was in a relationship with Alex, then his actions could be viewed as actively hurtful and inconsiderate.” Sfb208
7. AITJ For Having A Meltdown During A Birthday Dinner?
“I’ve been with my partner for over 20 years and we have four kids. His parents are first-generation immigrants and don’t speak English particularly well – this has meant a huge communication barrier in our relationship which has been heightened through the addition of grandkids.
A few years ago, my partner went to his parent’s home country solo to do some property maintenance. While there, he had an accident that resulted in him losing sight in one eye. Fast forward a couple of months and surgeries, his father had a birthday lunch we attended as a family.
I was still breastfeeding our youngest and seriously sleep-deprived, and a heap of little things that day compounded to the point where we ended up having an argument in front of some people at the event (not everyone) and I left (basically I had enough after he gave my lunch away as a shared thing when it wasn’t, forgot my drink order while I was feeding, was ok that our kids were running amuck under the table where there was broken glass and refused to leave after the baby – who I had not been able to get to sleep – completely melted down).
I saw red and left with the baby taking our car. At that point, I assumed he and the other kids could get a lift home with a family member, or worst case scenario, jump in a taxi (15 mins to home).
Well. Apparently, that was unspeakably rude of me. Although I didn’t realize it had been such an issue until a couple of months later when my children one day asked why their aunty said I was rude.
I texted her to ask her not to say things in front of the kids and she let forth a diatribe about how I’m the worst mother/partner in the world and how my FIL was so offended and it subsequently came out that she’d been agitated behind the scenes with her parents about the situation to create even more animosity.
I wasn’t aware of this at the time as my partner largely protected me from it, but when pushed, he did tell me his mother was questioning why he was staying with ‘someone so rude.’
Needless to say, I’m in now no-contact with SIL (word count prevents me from outlining all the other stuff that has happened since my first child was born).
However, I immediately tried to rectify things with the in-laws – going over to see them on my own, taking a gift and apologizing. I’m not proud of my behavior at the birthday, but off the back of the trauma and stress we’d just gone through, I know where it came from (we’re fine, by the way).
This all reared its ugly head again over Easter as we were all set to visit the in-laws for the first time since 2020 and the SIL decided at the last minute to go over. I didn’t want to be forced into a situation like that in front of the kids so we didn’t end up going but I can’t help but wonder have I been the jerk all these years?
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your husband was doing some trashy things instead of actually helping you with the children and trying to care for you when you were clearly struggling. Everyone else is a jerk for blaming you for your meltdown when they would not see it from your perspective and all the stuff you were going through at the time.” Deathtifier
Another User Comments:
“Yes, you were completely the jerk for taking the only car and leaving the rest of your family under the assumption they could get a lift home. However, your husband should have reigned in your kids and been more supportive during the lunch.” Jensooverstupid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I wouldn’t argue with my husband in front of other people. But life happens and when I understand that your in-laws were defensive of their son/shocked by your reaction at the moment. I find it weird that they would hold a grudge for several years over a petty argument that had nothing to do with them.” Familiar_Voice3691
6. AITJ For Arguing With My Dad About Cars?
“I (20) have the worst luck with cars. I like to think it’s because my cars have been old but who knows. K was two cars ago and belonged to my dad. She was trustworthy but declining, so when a family member offered me her car as she was getting a new one, I took it.
Y, a car all my own!
Y broke down a few weeks ago. The cost of repairs would be more than the car was worth so I decided to sell it. I had people to help drive me around but it was terrible.
My dad offered to help me sell Y and let me drive K again.
He basically took over the entire thing for me when it comes to Y. As for K, she was still being repaired by my grandpa an hour away, but my dad would pick it up once it was ready. I will pay him for the repairs but he is letting me do it in installments, so, super cool of him
Today, when he calls me to say he’s coming back, he mentions that he sold Y. I didn’t know it was being sold yet so I asked if he got the stuff in my car. He asked what I was talking about. l took the stuff I needed when Y broke down but I assumed I would have a chance to grab my junk at a different time
According to him, he did tell me to get my things. I am forgetful and there is a chance he told me but I’m a bit of a pack rat and I like my things, I think I’d remember that.
I’m not sure what all was in there, but I know I lost a skateboard, a tree hammock thing, a city park pass, and a lot of trinkets I use to decorate my car.
I couldn’t decide if I was mad at him, myself, or the way the cookie crumbles.
Next, he tells me I need to drive to my old job to pick up something for him by Wednesday or he would take my car. This was an internship position that has been one of my stressors recently.
It ended (and further unraveled as bad) a few weeks early because of my car troubles, is an hour-ish both ways, and I work my other job every day until my deadline.
He gave me until Friday instead. When I mentioned the fact that my boss, the only person who could get me what I needed, might be out of town as he sporadically travels for work, he told me he’d still take K.
This may or may not be an issue depending on if me old boss is in town, but I’m upset at the principal of the thing.
When we get to his house and he isn’t around I explain to his partner, thinking that she could help him understand why I think that’s very unfair of him and she defended him.
She isn’t the type to just pick his side because they are together, she agrees with who she agrees with and has stepped in for me before
She said it is probably him trying to motivate me to go out there, it probably sounds like the setup for an excuse to be lazy, he can do what he wants because it’s his car, etc
I get it I guess but AITJ for being angry with him for not working with me?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. He probably will work with you if the guy is legitimately out of town. Maybe get a note from a secretary on company letterhead or something to prove it.
He probably just accepted the first excuse but drew the line at the 2nd one. Humor him, drive out there and do your best. As far as the junk in your car, you can replace the couple of things you mentioned fairly easily and you don’t remember the rest so I wouldn’t lose sleep over that.
You’re allowed to feel, however, but it sounds like he’s going way out of his way to help you so I’d respect his request even if it makes you a little mad.” rocker49107
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Buy your own car and be done with it. Also, if the car was registered in your name, he can’t sell it.” serenavdwny
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
Your dad sounds pretty crappy, did you at least get the money from selling your car, or did he pocket that? If he didn’t, l suggest using the money to see if you can buy a used car or an electric bike (or cheaper alternative) to get around while you save funds for a car.” Ill_Scallion
5. AITJ Because My Dogs Can't Play With My Neighbor's Dogs?
“I have an ancient Rottweiler German Shepard mix. She is lovely with people and larger dogs but absolutely hates smaller dogs as she got attacked by one when she was younger.
I keep her in a large fenced-off garden and when we go on walks she is kept on her lead and harness because I can’t predict how she’d react if a small dog ran up to her. Recently, I have moved to a new house and the garden I have had a large fence but it has gaps in between the fencing slats a small dog could get through.
My neighbors own three small terrier-type dogs and walk them off lead fairly regularly. I was in the garden one day (my dog was inside) and they ran through the fence. My neighbors asked if my dog would like to play and I responded along the lines of ‘no she’s a grumpy old lady these days’ they said that she’d probably be fine if she met them and asked again if I’d call her out.
I explained that she’d been attacked by a small dog when she was younger so she reacts unpredictably around them. I also asked if they’d mind keeping their dogs out of my garden as they went past so no one got hurt.
They acted insulted and told me all the dog owners round here stuck together and that my dog couldn’t possibly be afraid of dogs so much smaller.
They’re now also saying to other neighbors how I went out of my way to be unfriendly and they’re not even sure if what I said was too true so I’m now wondering if I could have explained myself better or something to help this situation as I really didn’t want to cause any arguments, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would fix up that garden fence. Some ppl have dogs that are super friendly with animals and people. Others have dogs with challenges! I’ve had both kinds of dogs and I’ve faced what you’re facing. At the end of the day, it’s your dog and you need to do what’s best for her.
They suck because they wouldn’t want their dogs attacked but also don’t want to be warned? I’ve met people like that. They assume it’s your fault somehow but you’re actually being the best owner by trying to avoid these stressful situations for your dog!
Big fences = great neighbors.” Quiet_Jellyfish9362
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
A dog’s boundaries should be respected regardless of if some humans get offended by them be it keeping other dogs away or not letting people pet your dog unless you give permission.
If your furbaby was OK with mixing I’m sure you would have no issues with this occurring while out on a walk as that is neutral ground and not when dogs are invading your dog’s territory which can be stressful for dogs who are protective of their homes.
As long as your dog is happy that is the most important thing plus making sure your fence is small dog proof so she and yourself can enjoy the garden in peace.” GeekyFreak07
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this sounds so petty… does your dog maybe have a muzzle you could use while they get acquainted?
I mean if you can make it safe it’d probably be best to just do it for your sanity, but I wouldn’t risk the lawsuit if your dog decides to eat theirs. Maybe make them sign a paper relieving you of liability. I’d even get it notarized to show them how serious you are about the potential. Then again you might be in an area where it doesn’t matter and they’d put your dog down regardless.
I’d offer them to come over for coffee or something and explain what happens and share your worries about trying it. They probably just want free use of your garden area, but it’ll make your life seriously irritating if you make enemies with all your neighbors right away.” rocker49107
4. AITJ For Saying My Mom Is Gaslighting Me?
“I’ve (27F) had a difficult relationship with my mom (61F) for a while. This isn’t a new thing. I would move out if I could, but sadly, I don’t have the means or stability to do so yet. I’d also need a flatmate and wouldn’t be willing to live with a stranger.
So I was just trying to talk about paranormal romance with my parents, and too late, I had to remember that they hardly even know what paranormal romance is. It might also be partly because my BFF was on holiday with us over the weekend and is right now obsessed with the paranormal romance she is writing (Can’t give any more details other than it’s not about vampires, sorry).
By coincidence, I’m also reading a paranormal romance (Claudia Gray’s Evernight series). So I start talking about it, asking questions, and then admit out loud that I know they were born too early and I shouldn’t expect it and I’m sorry.
My mom returns this with ‘Well, I’m sorry you don’t find us as interesting as your friends and can’t have such interesting conversations with us’.
I will stress that I did NOT compare them to any of my friends out loud. I CAN have good conversations with them, it just has to be something other than literature or imagination. I can talk about more things with my friends – fiction, ideas, innovation (just yesterday my BFF and I were devising an autism-friendly smoke alarm).
But I didn’t compare my parents to my friends.
Here’s where I might be the jerk. I asked if that was meant to make me feel guilty, and she said yes. I replied straight out ‘That’s called gaslighting. Just because I said you weren’t young enough to have read paranormal romantic literature!’ Because apparently trying to talk about paranormal romance and acknowledging it was not appropriate for the time and place does not mean my parents aren’t good enough to hold a conversation with!
Maybe I do find it easier to talk to my friends, but as far as I’m aware, I did not say or convey this in any way.
Now neither of my parents are speaking to me and I’m wondering if maybe calling that out was going too far. But it’s not the first time they’ve done that and I know for a fact that I’ve done gaslighting before (probably picking it up) and I try so hard not to that it hurts when other people seem to think it’s okay and even admit to doing it.
AITJ?
EDIT: People have been commenting that I misused the term ‘gaslighting’. It was a guilt trip where she twisted what I said to make it different from what I actually said and I thought that was gaslighting. Sorry about that. It was still guilt-tripping and she even admitted straight out that she wanted me to feel awful.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Everyone already told you your mother didn’t gaslight you. But you’re interested in a topic that doesn’t interest your parents and that’s the topic you choose to engage them with. So instead of you reading the room and finding another topic, you blame their disinterest on their age, which is rude.
By the way, just because one friend had a problem with a flatmate doesn’t mean that at 27, you should continue to mooch off your parents if you can’t get along with your parents. Until then, find something to discuss that interests you all.” TemptingPenguin369
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
You comment on her age and she does not understand literature because of her age and you get upset when she responds about conversing with them vs people your own age??
My mom passed last year at age 73 and read sci-fi, fantasy, paranormal stuff, etc… so you commenting on it being age-related instead of interest-related reeks of ageism to me.
You should apologize for the age comment, in my honest opinion.” Leimana76
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, that’s not remotely what gaslighting is.
Your mom was being passive-aggressive, which can be unpleasant, but definitely nowhere as serious or dramatic as you made it out to be.” fairymascot
3. AITJ For Telling My Cousin No One Cares About Her Cousin's Baby?
“I have 3 cousins who each celebrate Greek Easter. Two out of the three cousins are cool, and we hang out and talk whenever we can. I’ll call them Oldest Cousin and Second Oldest Cousin.
The story is mainly about the entitled, spoiled, younger sister, Entitled Cousin from the Underworld. She falls into the category of being babied by everyone and never getting in trouble, as well as tattling for every s******p we do. Sneak snacks when we aren’t supposed to? Tattle. Play a 4 player game and she can’t play because that would make 5 people and there are no 5 player games?
Tattle. You get the gist. Entitled Cousin from the Underworld has a tone that is incredibly annoying, and I hate her. She’s a spoiled, little ungrateful Satan spawn who always gets her way and is rarely scolded. She even has her own iPhone 13 when she isn’t out of elementary school yet!
So this story happened yesterday, at a supermarket. I had told my cousins in a text message (all 3 of them) that it was their Easter. The Entitled Cousin says that someone is coming, I’ll call that person Amy. Amy is apparently a baby from their family friend/cousin that would be coming to their Greek Easter.
I told her ‘don’t care + didn’t ask + skill issue + L bozo’. I didn’t know who this was and my Entitled Cousin says that Amy was a baby coming to their Easter celebration. I kinda didn’t care, so I just put ‘Um… ok.’
Things got worse when the Oldest Cousin (same age as me) told me to f off.
I don’t know why he said that, but I got a bit mad at him. Then, my grandma texted me, telling me to stop. I told her that my Oldest Cousin told me to get lost. She said to drop the argument. I didn’t want to, because I was getting annoyed by my Entitled Cousin from the Underworld.
Then, my grandma calls my mom on the phone and goes into detail about what just happened! My mom then takes my phone and looks at what had happened.
Then, she takes my phone and tells me ‘Looks like you aren’t mature enough for a text message.’ Both my parents got mad at me, and they say that I’m the one who basically started the war and now, my cousins are upset about their Greek Easter!
The way back home wasn’t too great. But I got REALLY mad at the Entitled Cousin because she started the conversation in the first place! My parents actually punished me and took away my phone! I spent some of the afternoon basically thinking about all the reasons why I hate my Entitled Cousin.
But I feel like my other cousins had their Easter ruined because of my actions of what my Entitled Cousin said.
Did I go too far? Am I the jerk in this situation? Or did I have a reason for reacting so strongly?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
‘she isn’t out of elementary school yet’
Hold up. You’re mad because a literal elementary schooler is doing things like enforcing the rules her parents are trying to teach her and wanting to play with her older relatives? And now you’re mad because you couldn’t play along with or even just acknowledge her telling you a thing she’s excited about without being rude about it?
Your mom’s right: she’s not the one demonstrating alarming levels of immaturity here.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
She isn’t even out of elementary school yet? You’re literally bullying a child for being excited about seeing a baby and being upset at being excluded by her older cousins in video games.
She is a child. She psychologically does not possess the ability to regulate her emotions past a certain extent. Or course she is going to be upset if you’re playing a four-player game and excluding only her. She’s a kid.
You, however, have absolutely no excuse. You are perfectly capable of regulating your own emotions and managing the fallout this child receives as a result of your dislike.
It’s okay to not like a little kid, it’s not okay to be a jerk to them. You’re a bully, and it sounds like your ‘Entitled Cousin from the Underworld’ probably possesses more maturity in her pinky finger than you have in your entire body. It would cost you literally nothing to listen to her little kid’s story about this baby she was excited to see.
She honestly sounds very sweet, wanting to spend time with you all by playing video games and trying to share things she feels are important in her life, and you just sound like the biggest jerk just knocking a literal child down. Maybe take a moment to reflect on your life if you’re so genuinely hateful toward a child.
You fully admit that ‘anything she does set me off’. Dude, that is unhinged. She is a kid who is not responsible for your lack of anger management skills.
Get counseling if you lack the basic human decency of not attacking a literal child if you’re having an off day.
But you still speak as though it’s her fault you despise her when she has absolutely no choice in it. Your feelings about a kid should never reflect on your treatment of them. They are kids. Your problems are not hers to carry.” avoarvo
Another User Comments:
“You did not describe a single situation in which your cousin did anything wrong or which makes for a valid reason for you to hate her and bully her.
You call her entitled, but literally, all of your examples show that you are the entitled brat child.
She told on you for sneaking things you weren’t supposed to have. That’s a little annoying, but you’re the one acting entitled. Getting caught is a risk you take when you choose to do something you know you aren’t supposed to.
It’s not your cousin’s fault.
You won’t let her play games with the rest of you. This is massively entitled jerk behavior. When you have a 4-player game and 5 people who want to play, you take turns so everyone gets to play equally. It’s that simple. Choosing to do anything else makes you a jerk.
And the situation this whole thing is about? Your cousin is excited to meet a new baby in the family, so you treat her like crap over it? This one makes it very obvious that you just want to hurt her. You were annoyed at the very idea of something making her happy, and you just had to find a way to take that away from her.
You are a crappy cousin, buddy.” ANameLessTaken
2. AITJ For Not Buying My Niece's Girl Scout Cookies?
“I (m30) and my husband (m32) have 7 nieces and nephews. Every year, we donate to their read-a-thons, pay them per lap when they race track, and always buy girl scout cookies. Whenever those cute little turds ask us for something, we do it, we can’t help it.
It’s all actually facilitated through their parents and the kids don’t actually know what we donate or how it works or anything like that. We just know they like winning the prize and their parents can’t just give all the amount.
But a few months ago, we announced that we were wanting to have our own child and told our families what all we had been doing to get ready, the research, the home studies, the agencies we interviewed, everything.
We are on adoption lists currently, and we are also looking into IVF because we were given a timeline of 3-5 years to adopt. We also let everyone know how insanely expensive this all is and we made a GoFundMe explaining the process, prices, and possible outcomes.
So here’s where I think I’m the jerk… All of my siblings are aware and have talked with me about how excited we are to start our journey, our finances, and basically everything from start to finish.
But not one of them has shared our GoFundMe or donated. We aren’t asking for any grand donation but we are feeling slighted.
So when my sister asked me how many girl scout cookies I wanted from her daughter I told her none. I also said that we wouldn’t be doing any more donations for the kids because no one wants to be donating for our kids.
My parents say my siblings don’t have to donate, and then shouldn’t expect me to. But my siblings are mad and say I am selfish and it’s not the kids’ fault and it’s not fair to take it out on them.
Edit: I definitely should have expressed myself in an easier manner to my sister, but I absolutely agree they don’t ‘owe’ me and have agreed with my parents on that the entire time.
That wasn’t the expectation I had, but I definitely did have expectations that I shouldn’t. Just because someone is family does not mean they owe you their time, support, money, or anything, and I will also be holding fast to that rule with my future time, support, money, and everything.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. If you said that’s not where your priorities are now and you won’t be donating anywhere besides your own baby fund/no spare fund that’s perfectly fine. To stop doing something because they won’t donate to you now is petty. It’s like you only did it to get something in return.
Plus donating to kids is different than helping someone have kids. I buy gifts and cookies and stuff from every kid I know but I’ve never even been asked to contribute to the making or getting of a kid. You can’t deny it’s different. It’s like demanding someone pay for your first date dinner with someone because you bought them a wedding gift.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I think the situation is a bit tricky. Because I can see why your siblings see it differently about their kids. Their kids are already born and you have some relationship with them, so they may think it’s more of some uncle-niece/nephew relationship, not between you and your siblings.
Nonetheless, since they do partake in all those events that are basically collecting funds from family, they should start to think about how it is basically you paying so that their kids have fun, and the kids aren’t big enough or fully aware of how it works. In such a situation their literally ignoring your request come off as cruel and ungrateful.
Sure in theory ‘they don’t have to donate’, but in this case neither do you, and it’s extra arrogant of them to be angry at you stop financial contributions to their children’s well… it sounds like entertainment to me (we don’t really do such charity events with children in my country).
So in the end, it sounds like they basically think less of your family plans and has given you the role of childless uncle. Not sure how conscious it is on their part, since sometimes people do it out of getting used to a comfortable situation. But there is also a darker side to it, mainly when you are the childless uncle or aunt in the family, especially when you’re gay, families often gladly assume all of your finances would go to their kids since you don’t have your own.
Another thing is, basic decency would suggest they do actually owe you, for supporting them or their kids when you had the means and they were parents of young children. If they didn’t want the gratitude debt, they shouldn’t have accepted money, especially for stuff that wasn’t absolutely necessary. I never understand what people expect in such a situation, it is always a two-way street.
I understand people sometimes are in a such bad situations they must accept help even from people they don’t want to be grateful towards, but in this case, it looks like they were just happy with your role as an uncle and spoiling their kids. It seems like an appropriate time to help back.
And to make it clear, it’s not about money, it’s about the relationship and gratitude.
When people say in such issues people should not expect to be paid back it is more about counting everything or making somebody feel in debt about it. But relationships always include mutual support. When people want it to be a one-way street, it is abusive.
It’s not about how much you spent on their children, it’s about the fact you were there for them, you were supportive, you were generous. It’s not too much to expect at least some support back now when it’s your time to have children. I’m not surprised you feel hurt if they haven’t donated even a small amount, or haven’t even shared the links.
It does appear very cold from their side, either as if they didn’t care about you, or as if they had some issues with it they didn’t mention. Both are unacceptable in a supportive family.” StrikesLikeColdSteel
Another User Comments:
“But I would have phrased it differently than you. They are not obligated to donate your procreating fund.
Nor are you obligated to buy from fundraisers. But since you have frequently done so in the past, you’ve set an expectation. You don’t have to continue to do so, but there were more polite ways. Such as ‘not this year, but good luck’ and if they ask why not… ‘we are no longer able to contribute to your kids’ fundraisers because we are putting all our extra funds into saving for IVF/Adoption.
But I wish them good luck with their sale!’
As a Girl Scout leader, I can say that teaching them to take no for an answer is something we do every year. Your problem isn’t the kids, it’s the adults. But honestly, it doesn’t sound like they were being intentionally rude, just not really connecting the two.
Their budgets are their own too, and since they already have kids, I’m sure their fund is tied up into a budget as well. They might not have a lot to donate to your baby fund. If I were them, I probably would have tried to make a small contribution- $50 or less, but ultimately becoming a parent is your expense.
I did IVF too. Nobody paid for it except my husband and me.
I’m curious if your siblings are mad because you’re not shelling out money, or if they’re bad because you were rude. I land on thinking it was somewhere in the middle. If they just expect you to shell out funds endlessly but never reciprocate and they are actually mad for you closing the OP ATM, then you’re not the jerk for setting a boundary.
But if it is somewhere in the middle and they are more upset about how you replied, then I think the correct ruling is ‘everyone sucks here’.” EconomyVoice7358
1. WIBTJ If I Want To Exchange The Ring?
“I recently got engaged and while it was a beautiful moment and I’m ecstatic, I hate the ring.
It’s objectively a beautiful ring but it’s not my style at all. I’m also really picky with rings because I have arthritis in my hands and it shapes my fingers a little funny.
Only a few styles of ring don’t look strange. This has nothing to do with the diamond or how much he spent or any of that, but I’d want to try on rings and pick something that looks OK and fits my style.
My friends and family love the ring and I agree that it’s gorgeous, but they think it looks nice on and I’m being nitpicky so they don’t see a problem.
I obviously know my hands more and would probably notice faults more readily so while it might not be obvious to everyone, it’s clear to me and it makes me hate it. I want my ring to be something I love and I’m happy to wear, not something I’m self-conscious about.
My friends think asking him to return the ring is insulting and I’ll get used to the ring. It’s been almost a month and I still hate it all the same.
WIBTJ if I asked my fiancé to exchange the ring for something we pick together?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You should love it. But do bring it up very carefully so he understands this is not you rejecting him or his taste. Also, be prepared for the possibility that it can’t be returned. What then? Before you say you hate it investigate with him the possibilities. Reassure him.
You want both of you to feel good about the ring for the rest of your lives.” TresWhat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ because you are expecting your fiance to somehow read your mind even though you have very specific requirements.
‘I’d want to try on rings and pick something that looks OK and fits my style.’
So why didn’t you tell him well before he proposed? And now you have waited well beyond any reasonable exchange period. You have basically taken at least half the value of what your fiance spent on your ring and set it on fire for nothing.
You should pay for any additional expense for the new ring beyond what your fiance can get for returning your ring if that is even possible.” jphamlore
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but I would be very gentle with his feelings. If you can talk and establish it’s not a big issue for your fiance, then exchange the ring and get something you love. I can tell you don’t want to hurt him, and I am sure if you talk candidly about your arthritis and how you feel about the piece, you can work something out.
Just communicate, that’s so key!
I speak somewhat from experience because I really disliked my engagement ring at first. However, I learned to see it differently down the line. My partner pretty much listened to what I wanted and got everything right… on paper. I said I want jade and traditional New Zealand themes, but something reminiscent of the Lord of the Rings aesthetic (he’s a Kiwi).
I expected something Galadriel would wear, but he practically gave me the One Ring – a heavy silver band with a massive Jade rectangle and weighing a ton with a koru pattern on the side, also it was waaay too small. I think it’s beautiful and illustrates how our minds met and produced something new and unexpected, but beautiful nonetheless.
We did have to re-size it though.
Not saying my way is the only way to go, but I ended up not asking for an exchange just because I knew what it meant to him to design it – he was open to exchanging when I mentioned it, but the second he said “no problem” I decided to keep it anyway.” Agrafson
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. It’s a tricky situation but he picked that ring as a symbol of his love and commitment to you. He picked it thinking you’ll love it and it’s gorgeous. You should love a $500 ring to a $15,000 ring. I’m sorry but your self-image shouldn’t come into this.
Especially with friends and family saying it’s great. Once you tell him you want to exchange it he’ll doubt everything he chooses for you from now on.” Simpleblokewhoexists
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