People Feel Uneasy After Telling Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories
20. AITJ For Not Chipping In For A Wedding Gift For My Coworker?
“At my workplace, one of my colleagues is getting married. We’re not friends at all. In fact, she’s actually part of this really cliquey group in the company that basically made my life miserable.
She was never directly responsible for bullying me, but she was part of that awful clique. Anyways, that colleague has a wedding coming up, and she invited everyone in the workplace except the boss and me.
One of my coworkers (who is part of that same clique) decided to organize a staff luncheon to celebrate the other colleague’s wedding.
That coworker asked everyone to chip in for a wedding gift for the colleague who is getting married. When she asked me, I said I don’t want to chip in anything. She looked at me judgingly and said ‘Oh, you don’t want to chip in for the gift but you’re happy to attend the luncheon’.
I said, ‘Yes because I’ve actually paid for the luncheon’.
Anyways, she then said, ‘Oh, you’re being very petty. Don’t be a loser because she didn’t invite you to the wedding’.
I was annoyed when she said that because I never said that my not being invited to the wedding is the reason why I’m not paying, and how does she know I wasn’t invited?
They obviously talked about me behind my back, calling me a loser.
Anyways, I debriefed with a few people. Some said I wasn’t in the wrong. Others said I should’ve just chipped in for something.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You aren’t friends or even particularly friendly due to the way the clique treats you.
And you are literally one of only 2 people in the workplace not invited to the wedding so you were expressly uninvited and gossiped about and now they want to bully and name-call you into contributing to a gift as well which could be legally actionable as creating a hostile work environment.” Any-Blackberry-5557
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Collections for work colleagues are always difficult to navigate. It really sucks to contribute to someone you don’t like, and you’re never obliged to contribute, but sometimes it makes sense to be seen to be contributing rather than deal with the crap that follows from being seen not to be.
But in this case, if literally everyone else is going other than you it is totally fine not to contribute. She’s the one that’s made it a thing. A lunch that you’re paying for is completely different. Ignore the judgy co-worker.” workingtoohardstill
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Like, at all.
I’d also probably go to HR or the equivalent in your workplace and let them know that you feel uncomfortable being pressured into giving money toward a wedding gift to a colleague’s wedding that only you and your boss are not invited to.
I’d also make sure to bring up the name-calling. None of that is cool in a workplace.” YasMysteries
19. AITJ For Kicking My Sister Out For Invalidating My Feelings?
“My ex had a kid that I helped raise from when he was 3-10 years old. I loved the kid despite his problems and the way his father treated me but I decided to break things off with his dad after my mom knocked some sense into me.
We were never married.
I moved on with my life, moved to a different state, and have two daughters. My eldest just turned 3 and I guess she just started to remind me of Finn.
I looked up his dad/my ex on social media and the last thing he posted was a Rest In Peace post two years ago about Finn who would’ve been 17 this year.
I lost it. I couldn’t breathe and I don’t even know how to explain. I was angry, heartbroken, and guilty. My sister (20f) was in the house helping me with the kids and when she heard me she ran up and asked me what was wrong.
I managed to tell her what happened and she made a face and went ‘Seriously? Why on earth would you look him up?’
I was a bit taken aback, speechless.
She just kept rolling her eyes and said ‘That kid and his dad made you miserable, get off the floor, you have your real kids to think about.’
I started to cry again and tried telling her that I took care of Finn for years, he used to call me mom for Pete’s sake and I thought of him as my son. The hardest thing I ever had to do was tell him that I was breaking up with his dad and I was moving.
She still brushed me off and told me that I’m doing too much so I just told her to get out of my house. She went ‘Woah why?’ I refused to explain and told her to leave.
She got all huffy, picked up her things, and called me an overdramatic jerk before storming out of the house.
I don’t think I’m the jerk for how I feel AT ALL, but my sister refuses to talk to me and my parents called me saying that I need to apologize and that I shouldn’t have kicked her out. They think I’m the jerk and that I made myself upset for no reason.
AITJ?
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. But you should seek counseling. You have survivor’s guilt. Listen, sweetie… He wouldn’t have been undead if you’d stayed. Because it sounds like YOU weren’t going to be alive if you’d stayed. His dad was dangerous.
You got away. Besides, look at your two wonderful children. Would you trade them for the world? No. They’re amazing and you’re happy they were born. I’m sorry he passed away. He was just a kid and had a long life ahead.
However, it’s not your fault. I’m sure his dad went out with many women after you. They weren’t at fault either.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
What your sister did and said was disgusting. And I hope she gave a very distorted description of events to your parents, otherwise, their response is disgusting too.
You are absolutely allowed to feel all of those feelings and to mourn someone you had a hand in raising. Someone you loved, someone you cared about, and someone who had his whole life ahead of him when it was cut short.
I’m so sorry. Feel your feelings and do NOT apologize to the person who owes you an apology.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m so sorry for your loss OP, death isn’t a fun thing. May Finn rest in peace, know how much you loved him while helping raise him.
The fact you were there for him speaks volumes.
You helped raise Finn, and of course you’re gonna be heartbroken finding out he passed away. Your sister and parents don’t seem to quite understand that, even though Finn wasn’t your child by b***d he was still your child and you loved and cared for him.
The fact your sister said ‘Your real kids to think about’ is heartbreaking, you helped raise him. They will never understand the pain you feel knowing that Finn is gone, I’m so sorry.” Frosty-Hunter9783
18. AITJ For Telling My Senior Mom To Get A Job?
“My (f 28) father got really sick years back and passed away. Both he and my mother (63) had several failed businesses so they’re really bad with finances and incurred a large amount of debt with the family house as a guarantee, and no retirement plan.
My brother (45) paid for my education (uni), and has been paying my mother’s living fee, the installment for her debt, AND his family ever since I was 18.
Ever since I graduated, my mother has stopped any intention of working.
I’ve been helping to provide for her since I was 23 because I can’t bear to see my brother struggling. He has his wife and three children to provide for. I suggested she starts thinking of adding a side income and not being dependent on mine and my brother’s only.
She’s still healthy and is able to move around well. I’m not expecting her to work full time, just selling things online, like food in her Church communities that can add to her savings.
She only said Yes, but never elaborated and would close off our conversation every time, and do nothing in the end.
She just wants to retire with her children paying for her mistakes and retirement by this point.
She’s also always been emotionally unavailable since I was little. I was recently laid off and this was my whole point of telling her years back to have a backup plan.
She didn’t even call me to ask how I was doing or check in. She only said sorry to hear and asked me ‘Are you receiving severance pay?’
Spoke to my brother about it and he told me to back off on her working to earn money because she’s old and let her retire.
She’s family and we should back her up for her debt and living cost.
AITJ here for pushing her to earn some money and not thinking about ‘family’ or her age?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
However, your brother is the main ‘guilty’ party here, even if his intentions are so nice and honorable.
He has enabled your mother’s behavior and from his point of view, he is happy to provide for her, as he was happy to provide for you and your studies. It’s the way he is.
You don’t have to provide for her, especially since now you are unable to, financially.
If your brother wants to do it, let him, and don’t feel guilty about it. He’s a grown-up and can make his own decisions.” esk_7140
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I am really sorry you are in this situation. Boundaries are necessary at some point and asking her to do at least something to help with the finances is totally justified. Of course, we all wish that at 63 we could just retire and live the good life… but many many people have to work up until 70.
That is just the reality.
And what you and your brother need to be really careful… and do some balancing of priorities, is that you don’t sacrifice so much right now that you don’t properly save for retirement yourself and put your kids in the exact same situation.” garebear397
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. 63 is not elderly. That’s not even the retirement age in the US.
Unless she has serious health issues, she could still work part-time. Even with some health issues, there are jobs you can still do. I’d do some research into it and even check into senior services to see what options there are, including anything online she may be able to handle with light training.
It’d been nice to get paid but even volunteer work might be good and could even lead to a paying job.” KarmaWillGetYa
17. AITJ For Wearing A Different Dress At My Brother's Wedding?
“My brother (29M) got married today, and I (26F) didn’t wear the dress my SIL (27F) wanted me to wear. So my SIL has always been friendly and loves to pick clothes for me to wear out to parties and whatnot.
The problem is I would wear the outfit and then she would wear basically the same thing. It makes me look like I am copying her.
So far nothing too bad happened but she did the same thing with her wedding coming up a bit ago.
It is a simple courthouse wedding and she wanted me to wear an orange knee-length dress. It is very pretty for fall. I bought the dress and was going to wear it until my friend mentioned if I wear it most likely she will wear the same and it will look bad on me.
So this week I got a new dress, a simple dark green dress. I wore it to the courthouse wedding and my friend was right she wore an orange dress very similar to the one she wanted me to wear..
She saw me and looked shocked I wasn’t in the dress. The whole time she kept staring at me. At the end of the day, my brother came up to me and called me a jerk for not wearing the dress she picked out.
Her family got in on it and I am confused.
My parents are on my side when I showed them the dress she picked out. I tried to talk to her but her family is keeping me away so I just left.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. No one is required to wear something someone else picked out unless you’re committing to an official role in the wedding. I would, however, ask your sister-in-law why she keeps doing this. It can be read in a few ways.
It might just be her style, and she recommends it to everyone. She might just be excited to have a sister and wants y’all to dress similarly. Or she’s setting you up to look stupid by ‘copying’ her. Since she’s always been friendly, maybe you give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her about it.” BaronsDad
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Return the dress to her and say you made another choice. It’s not normal to expect to dress another adult. I’m avoiding ‘the dressing the same’ thing as I think without that it’s weird anyway. Also, that could be that she wants you two to match or something rather than look better than you.
Without the same color thing then you’re still NTJ cos you, as an adult, don’t have to wear what your sister-in-law prepares for you. If my partner’s sister gave me a dress to wear for a random event, I’d probably not wear it to that event out of principle because I can choose my own clothes.” ruthifer123
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, it’s weird, and because you haven’t asked before why she’s doing the specific matching thing with you, you don’t know why. I wish you had asked sooner, but that can’t be helped now.
Since she won’t talk to you, it sounds like you need to call up your brother and find out why this is such a big deal. And why it’s such a big deal that he is getting involved and coming after you when you haven’t been told why she’s even picking out outfits to match with you.
As well as picking out an outfit to match with you that doesn’t fit in with the rest of the guests.
You’re not a jerk for choosing your own outfit because you already bought the dress and not going along with something that you were uncomfortable with, but you do actually need to ask questions.” JCBashBash
16. AITJ For Hurting My Aunt's Feelings?
“My (19 F) aunt (54 F) and I are on bad terms. Not just me but my entire family. The reason is simple: We helped her out and even let her stay at our house for months rent-free when she had some issues, but she badmouthed us to our entire extended family and spread some rumors that weren’t true at all.
It has fortunately been resolved but our relationship is still strained.
Last week, there was a fight. A really big fight that was escalated to the point where most of our extended family got involved. It was ridiculous and about a post made by some relative, which badmouthed my grandfather, and he tagged my mother in the post. Obviously, my mom had nothing to do with the post, as she had a very good relationship with our grandfather before he passed away.
However, most of our relatives are quite old and don’t know how the tagging in posts works, and thought that she also agreed with him, and attacked her for badmouthing her own father. This issue was raised the most by that aunt, and she kept attacking my mom, saying things like my mom not coming back to our home country sooner was the reason why my grandfather passed away(???
he was 70+ and had stage 4 cancer did she honestly think he would survive even with my mother there), and kept bringing up things from the past.
Now this is the part where I may be the jerk. Her daughter had eloped with her partner whom my aunt disapproved of, her son ran away because he could not handle the academic pressure that she placed on him, and her husband left her because she was too controlling and manipulative.
I said something along the lines of ‘Well if you’re such a family person then I wonder why your entire family left you.’ She was SEETHING. My mother appreciates that I tried to stand up for her, but I should not have dropped to her level.
The extended family is on my aunt’s side, saying I hurt her feelings. I think I might be the jerk for talking about a topic that she’s uncomfortable with, but my brothers and friends said I’m not, so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your clap back may have been harsh, but it was also truthful. It seems to me she has no trouble stirring up drama and causing problems, but when those facts are thrown in her face, she plays the victim.
This tactic is becoming more familiar and common in this day and age and I don’t understand it.
You were pushed too far, and you finally snapped.
Sometimes people need to be put in their place even if to make them see how terrible they are being.
I know that doesn’t sound very kind, and I’m not sure that every avenue has been tried. For example, having a FaceTime session (if everyone involved can since you’re in different countries) and working it out. That way all the misunderstandings can be addressed and worked out.
But she sounds very toxic and so unhappy with herself that she has to make everyone around her feel like crap too. Hence her kids getting away from her.
I understand why you said what you did. Like I said, sometimes people get pushed too far, but it sounds like you care about your family and how they feel, so I’m hoping that everything can be worked out.
But she definitely needs to be made aware SHE is the problem here with her toxic and ungrateful behavior.” princessofIreland
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
She said horrible things and you said horrible things back. Even if it’s true, there are things you just don’t say, except maybe if you know how to handle it and it comes out of love.
It came out of anger here.
That said, you apologized sincerely. You did well. You don’t owe her anything more, especially since she didn’t apologize herself for saying horrible stuff about your mom and the whole situation that occurred before.
You’re still the bigger person. Any family member who feels it’s not enough is not seeing the whole picture. Don’t listen to them, they’ll calm down eventually.” Responsible_Brain852
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your aunt can certainly dish it out, but can’t take it when it’s directed at her.
You apologized, leave it at that. Sometimes the truth hurts, but you made a valid point that her immediate family all ran away from her for this exact thing.
I think it’s time to go low contact or even no contact with her and a lot of your other family.
Family doesn’t mean you stick around for constant abuse.” Caspian4136
15. AITJ For Getting Annoyed At My Husband's Daily Reminders?
“I run my own business out of our home and have done so for 8 months now.
Business is doing great; well beyond what I thought I was capable of doing. Since I started running my own business my husband has been dropping daily reminders to me every single day with things he wants me to do.
Stuff I already do and don’t need to be reminded to do. Like grocery shopping, for instance. Or bringing the dog out, as if I need a reminder to do so. I’m a very organized person and have a calendar that I fill in daily of everything that I need to do, which includes my business, and I manage to get everything done and then some.
But every single time he shouts out reminders it makes me not want to do anything.
The reason for this is because once again, I’m the organized one and I have never needed reminders but he on the other hand will not do absolutely anything without 18 reminders and forcing his hand.
Even then he will try procrastinating and not doing it until super late in the evening, where he either asks me for help or complains the whole time because he is tired.
So I’ve told him several times to stop giving me basic reminders about things because it’s irritating and not helpful at all.
I told him that instead, he should start putting alarms on his own phone to remind himself about the things he needs to do, not me. Regardless, he has not stopped reminding me to do things. So yesterday when he sent a text saying ‘Don’t forget that it’s grocery day and make sure Lulu gets her eye drops at noon.’ I don’t respond.
He then texts like 20 minutes later and says ‘Oh, also remember to start the laundry before I get home because we have that event tomorrow.’ I texted him at this point and said ‘I’ve told you repeatedly to stop sending me daily reminders, especially considering you know I am already on top of all of this and have everything done already.
Do what you need to do instead of worrying about me because I guarantee you still haven’t gotten the oil change that you were supposed to get three days ago or filed your paperwork from last week, which is on your calendar.
Keep reminding me to do things and I will stop doing anything around this house.’ He then says I’m ignorant for not reminding him sooner and that his reminding me is his way of telling me that he needs reminders.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but STOP RESPONDING. Tell him that you will no longer be listening to, reading, or responding to messages that are reminders. Either that or start giving him similarly helpful reminders. Maybe the next time you’re in a public place and he heads to the restroom, yell after him ‘Don’t forget to wipe!’ (That’s probably terrible advice, but it might get the point across.)
You have your act together. He doesn’t.
That being said, it sure sounds like your relationship has a strange dynamic. I don’t see it getting better anytime soon.” havartna
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Sorry you are in this situation.
‘I remind you because I want you to remind me’ is a gaslighting thing, to make you question if you’re in the wrong – and the fact that you are here asking this question shows it’s working at least a little bit.
Do not be confused. You are NTJ.
There’s a difference between ‘doing to’ and ‘doing for.’ He’s doing something to you that you want to stop. He absolutely should stop. He wants you to do something for him. He can ask, not demand.
And you can decide to what extent you are willing to do that for him.
If you explain this to him and he refuses to accept it and make the necessary changes, then you are married to a toxic person.” dragawam
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
This sounds like an acute case of fragile masculinity.
I’m guessing your husband is insecure that your business is doing so well, and he’s increasingly feeling an inferiority complex because you have superior organizational skills and are profiting from them.
So, he’s projecting that insecurity onto you by trying to ‘keep you in your place,’ acting like you’ve somehow developed incompetence and need to be reminded to do your ‘wifely’ chores.
It also deflects from his true, underlying issue of not being able to achieve the same level of organization as you, and perhaps another underlying issue in that he realizes his self-motivational skills aren’t as developed as yours, and maybe it affects his career advancement; so he’s assigned himself the extremely unnecessary role as your manager instead of addressing his own deficits.
I would suggest putting your phone on DND during the day and/or muting his notifications. He isn’t going to stop ‘reminding’ you no matter how aggravated you feel, because HE feels better when he does it. It makes him feel like ‘the boss’ and ‘the provider’ instead of just another Joe worker type who’s getting lapped by his wife who’s managing everything easily.
Muting him will force him to deal with his own feelings at the moment.
Frankly, I would also absolutely suggest not doing the laundry or grocery shopping until ‘after work hours’ and dragging his butt along with you, so he can participate in managing his own household.
After work, I would insist on a family meeting to seriously ask him WHY he’s doing it. Why does he think you suddenly need to be reminded to do the things you clearly already know how to do? Why does he keep doing it after you’ve told him to stop?
And don’t let him off the hook with some crappy answer, either, or deflect as to how he thinks you’re going to start dropping the ball. Because, as you’ve mentioned already, he drops the ball on his chores all the time, so clearly ball-dropping isn’t some unforgivable offense or a sign that one isn’t entitled to pursue their business goals.
It would sound ludicrous if he tried to explain that when he forgets to get his oil changed for the 10th time, it’s because he’s a busy provider with a job, but if you fail to get the groceries because you’re doing your business, it’s a sign that you’re not capable of business.
Especially if you’re not actually forgetting the groceries!
The point you should be hammering home is his projection and his potential double standards.
And if that doesn’t sink in, then marital counseling may be in order, so a paid professional can tell him where the bears poop in the woods.” trivialissues
14. AITJ For Insisting My Son To Use The Cemetery Plot We Bought In Our Home Country?
“My husband and I came to the US in our 20s and started our family here.
We have 4 children. Back in our home country, we have a family plot in a cemetery where our entire family is buried. There is a plot for me, my husband, and all of our children.
Our oldest son got married a few years ago, his wife is fine.
They came for dinner the other day and when I asked what they did that day they told me they bought plots in a cemetery here.
I was upset I reminded him of the plots in our home country for our entire family.
He said sorry but those were the arrangements they made.
I haven’t stopped thinking about it since the fact that my son won’t be buried near me is eating me alive.
I called him yesterday and asked him if he was sure and he told me to drop it.
I can’t stop thinking about it. My daughter told me I was being pushy and acting like a jerk but I want my entire family together.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There are no jerks here for WANTING him in the family plot and him not wanting to do that, but absolutely YTJ for insisting on it.
He has family here, and kids here, and will probably have grandchildren here, plus nieces and nephews and in-laws on his wife’s side. If his body is carted all the way back to your home country, none of them will get to visit the grave.
Even TRAVELLING to the funeral may be prohibitively expensive. His body, even after death, HE decides where it goes. NTJ for reminding him and asking him to reconsider, absolutely YTJ for your drama over it. The good news for him is that you will very likely be gone and unable to badger his family over it when it’s his turn for a dirt nap.” maroongrad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, it’s not for wanting it it’s for badgering him about it. Here’s the thing, you’re from your home country, and lived your whole life there until your 20s… this isn’t meant to sound any kind of way, but your son was born and raised American, he has a family and life of his own here, that has always been his home… to him, as sad as this may be for you, it’s YOUR country, not his.
If you went to the US to start a new/better life, I would think you’d want your kids to feel at home there so why would you think he’d want his wife/family to have to travel out of the US to visit his grave?
I get you feel a deep connection with the people buried there and it’s your homeland, but this is his. He doesn’t have that connection, aside from with you, and that’s his right to want to be near the family he’s made.
It sounds like you’re not a huge fan of his wife either ‘She’s fine’, I also want to state cause it seems like this may be an underlying thing you’re thinking – she didn’t take him from your plot/family, he more than likely would’ve always wanted this regardless of who he married, because the US is his home.
Again, you’re not the jerk for asking or assuming, but you are if you let the problems of the dead affect your living relationship with your kid/kid’s family whom you love.” ChearnDown4Wut
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your son has begun building his own family. It’s up to him and his spouse to figure out these types of arrangements for themselves. You have a family plot in your home country, but it likely wouldn’t accommodate his wife or any children that they have in the worst-case scenario.
You need to let this go and realize that this likely isn’t going to happen with any of your children, as they build their own lives with their partners. Those are decisions the couples will make together. And your preferences don’t supersede their decisions.” moew4974
13. AITJ For Wanting To Have My Son's Boss's Number In Case Of Emergency?
“My son (18) started a new job for the first time ever in his life recently at a restaurant. The place is not too far but still is around a 17-20 min drive. He started working a week ago.
I asked him to provide me with his boss’s number in case of an emergency.
He refused and said that it was weird and unnecessary. I did not think he quite understood what I mean by an emergency so I brought it up with him this morning. He suddenly flipped out and told me that he won’t give me his boss’s number and that I should quit asking and treating him like a 4-year-old.
I have to say that I found this reaction horrific because I already explained to him why I need the number. My husband told me to leave it alone and that I don’t need the number just because I’m being ‘paranoid’.
To me, it wasn’t about paranoia but to make sure that I can check on him if and when he was out of reach. My husband said it makes me look controlling and intrusive.
My son came home and refused to speak to me.
Didn’t even eat with us and stayed in his room.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
‘to make sure that I can check on him if and when he was out of reach.’
He’s not supposed to be within reach while he’s working, there’s no reason whatsoever for you to check on him.
And if he’s not working, there’s no reason for you to contact his boss to try to find out what time he left, where he might have gone, etc.
Both your son and your husband have made it plain that it’s time for you to cut your apron strings.” 5115E
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
In no way do you need his boss’s number and I can not even imagine the pretzel you have twisted yourself into to convince yourself that you do. In the event of an emergency, you can either call your son’s cell phone or Google the restaurant’s number and reach someone there.
You have no reason to need to ‘check on him if and when he’s out of reach’ when he’s at work. If you do this? You will be the reason your son gets fired. No employer is going to want to put up with an employee’s intrusive, controlling helicopter mom who’s bringing her crap into the workplace.
Back off.” anthony___fell
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Your son’s work, like all workplaces, has a landline for business purposes. It’s a restaurant, so the landline is used for customer reservations, potentially take-out orders, etc. That number is publicly available via Google.
If there is a real emergency at home when he’s at work – something that can’t wait if he’s not carrying his cell phone on him – then you can reach him by calling that number and saying, ‘Can I speak to (son)?
This is his mother and there’s been a family emergency.’ After sharing the emergency with him, he can then approach his boss and deal with the ‘I need to leave, my dad is in the hospital’ conversation.
If your son has an emergency at work, his boss will likely have your information as an emergency contact to inform you.
There is no situation where you should be reaching out to your son’s workplace to ask if he’s okay or having an emergency. If there’s an emergency, they will contact you.
There is no reason for you to be reaching out to his boss’s personal number, or asking for his boss over the landline, or to know his boss’s personal extension number on the work line.” Kittenn1412
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad To Be In Control Of My Finances?
“My dad has always been very controlling and strict. He never used to let me go out, and have fun with friends, etc. and I became very anti-social because of that.
When I was 20 and in my last year of college, my dad didn’t let me go on my official college trip, which literally everyone else went to. (My friends even arranged funds and asked me to come for free with them).
But money wasn’t the issue. I was very upset and emotionally down because everyone looked at me with sympathy because the final year trip is like a huge thing here. (I’m in India). Just like that, I wasn’t allowed to go on another high school trip either.
LOL. Still, all of that is fine because it’s my parents’ money and I was living under their roof after all.
After I graduated, I started getting a salary of 20k INR every month, and then I moved to another city to look for a better job while learning more skills.
My dad asked me to send 5k every month to his account so he’ll save the money for me because I will spend it lavishly. I complied and started sending him 5k every month. (he’s not selfish or anything, he doesn’t want that money for himself, he wants to control what I do with it).
Now last month, I got a way better new job than that and I’m making like 55k INR a month. Now, he’s asking me to pay a lot of that to his account as my ‘savings’. I said I won’t because I want to buy a motorcycle for myself, it was always my dream and now I have the means to actually do that.
The problem with sending him funds is that I’ll need HIS approval to use my own money. He said no, he won’t let me buy a motorcycle now but he’ll tell me when he thinks the time is right. I told him I’m 23 and I don’t want to wait till I’m old to buy things I want.
We argued and out of anger, he sent everything I saved which was with him to my bank account. He’s not talking to me now and he said he won’t ever interfere in any of my business ever. Am I the jerk?
How do I get him to talk to me about normal things and make him let me do whatever I want with my own money?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I’m not from India but the idea that your father requests you send funds so he can control it is very strange to me.
You are a GROWN adult. Keep YOUR money in your account where only you can access it. Save and buy a motorcycle. Ride it and enjoy! This is your life to live. No one else’s. I’d go low contact with your dad or give him basic information, I’m good.
The job is good. The weather is sunny, etc. Don’t ask for his permission or opinion on your spending habits. He will learn you don’t need his guidance or blessing to spend YOUR money. Good luck and enjoy this life!” Interesting_Order_82
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, the way to make your father respect your independence is to stop compromising with him on it. Stay in contact. Be polite and friendly. But buy what you want to buy and if he complains say kindly ‘Thank you for your opinion.’ And then do it anyway.
Talk with him over the phone or out of anyone’s home; make sure you always have the option to leave the conversation on your own terms. If he demands to know why you hung up/left, explain politely that you are an adult who doesn’t need to be scolded like a child.
Keep being friendly and open with him but end the particular instance of contact when he tries to bully you. It makes it harder for him to cut you out, especially if you hear his advice, decide for yourself if it’s good, and take the stuff that is.
If he truly won’t answer you then end your conversations with your mom with ‘And tell Dad I love him’ but DO NOT beg for him to talk to you.
He is using his silence to punish you because it’s all he can do now you no longer depend on his home and money.
That means when his silence fails to bring you in line, he will have to abandon it.” DazzlingAssistant342
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, your father is financially abusive and controlling beyond any level of reason. Honestly, why do you want him to talk to you?
Is it because you feel like you need him in your life? If so why? You’ve been plenty successful without him, what has he done to prove you need him? Please don’t say ‘fed and clothed’ or any variation on the bare legal minimum to prevent having a child taken away.
Family is an honorary title, it sits upon the pillars of Love, Care, and Respect. Anyone tearing those down has willingly surrendered that title and should be held to the same metrics you would a stranger. If you wouldn’t tolerate someone being this toxic in your life who you just met why would you tolerate it from someone who should be treating you better than others.” StrykerC13
11. AITJ For Yelling At My Significant Other For Making Me Paranoid?
“I (23 F) have managed but fairly severe paranoid anxiety, the kind that makes you panic thinking bad things will happen if you so much as step outside your living space.
One of my main coping mechanisms, as I’m leaving for work in the morning and saying goodbye, is to knock on the front door (AKA knock on wood) after saying I’ll be back/home in the evening.
For further context, the last time I forgot to do this the bus I take to work got hit by a semi-truck and I had to go to the ER and was out of work for two weeks… which certainly didn’t help and my significant other (26 M) is well aware of the situation (we were already together at the time).
Recently, my SO (I’m going to call him Dan for ease) has started rushing to the door after I’ve closed and locked it and am already down the hall to shout at me to have a good day and be safe, forcing me to go back and knock on the door again before I can leave.
I would be willing to accept this occasionally if it was just him being cute and wanting an extra kiss goodbye or something, the problem is he’ll repeat this multiple times in a row until I’m running late and am now super anxious/paranoid the rest of the day worrying something bad is going to happen (to the point some of my colleagues are worried I’m being physically abused).
Yesterday as I was leaving he did it again and I was already on edge due to some other stressors so I blew up and yelled at him for making my paranoia worse.
He started yelling back about how ridiculous it is I need to do it in the first place and how he was helping me get over my anxiety and making me face it head-on so I can see I don’t need to do it.
I told him that was my therapist’s job, not his, and left for work. But since then our friends have been blowing up my phone saying I’m overreacting and a jerk for yelling at him since he was just trying to help me and he’s now refusing to speak to me and is sleeping on the couch until I apologize and stop knocking on the door.
Now I’m starting to worry I did overreact and don’t know what to do. So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
You seem to recognize that this isn’t a healthy thought pattern and are working with someone who is a professional to deal with those intrusive thoughts.
Dan needs to recognize that this isn’t something silly, it is something that causes you physical and emotional discomfort, and while he may have good intentions in his mind, those intentions don’t support what you actually need from him.
Have you thought about maybe asking your therapist for ways to explain to him how you feel and to ask for the support you want?” coastalkid92
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it would hurt to talk to your therapist about whether you’ve really got this managed as effectively as it could be if you genuinely believe bad things will happen if the exact ritual isn’t the very last thing you do before leaving, versus just feeling more reassured for doing it… but I’m not your (or anyone’s) therapist, so I’m not going to try and armchair diagnose, let alone propose other solutions.
Dan should not be deciding he knows better or stressing you out just to prove whatever point he thinks he’s making, and he definitely shouldn’t be siccing his friends on you because he’s unhappy you’re not just going to accept that treatment.
I don’t think he’s the kind of partner you can count on to support you in whatever you ultimately need to do to live a less anxious life.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, whatsoever. He very clearly is telling you to stay safe in an attempt to freak you out – it’s not like he only does it once when you leave, he’s doing it multiple times and has made it clear he’s doing it just to get you to ‘face your problems’ as if you actually going out even with the fears on your back isn’t doing that already.
He deserved it, 100%, and you need to have a conversation with him or something to get him to understand that that really won’t help you at all.” Lexy_d_acnh
10. AITJ For Not Giving The Same Kinds Of Wedding Gifts To My Stepdaughters?
“I (54F) am the mother of a daughter E (24F) and a son F (21M).
I also am the stepmother of two women L (37F) and J (35F).
When I met my husband (56M) 26 years ago, he was already divorced for 6 years from his Ex D (56F).
When we first decided to get married, I had a discussion with D and the girls, and we came to the conclusion that I would be treated as an aunt, as the girls did not want another parental figure.
When L and J got married, they wanted me to be a regular guest and not a part of their party. I was ok with that.
The same thing happened when they had kids, except the kids call me Grandma OP.
By the way, this is not coming from D, she and I are great friends, as close as sisters.
So E found out she was pregnant a year ago, she was already engaged by then. I organized her baby/bridal shower, and my gift to her was: a handmade baby outfit, a framed cross-stitched baby room sign with his initials, a handmade veil, and a hand-stitched handkerchief with her future initials.
A few days later, during a family dinner, L said that she felt kind of left out that E got handmade gifts, while all I got her was something off her register. I replied that what E got were traditional gifts from my side of the family and that I didn’t want to burden her and J with them.
Fast forward to my daughter’s wedding day, and while doing my whole ‘mother of the bride’ speech, I brought out another gift/tradition: it’s a leather-bound journal, with her initials embossed in gold leaf. It was started by my mother when I found out I was pregnant, with letters to my daughter every month, then I took over the day she was born by writing letters every birthday and milestone.
Now it was up to her husband to keep it safe and fill it.
L and J again said that they felt I was giving her very thoughtful gifts, while I bought whatever from their registries. And that I was treating my soon-to-be biological grandson better than their kids, even though their kids love me the same way they love D.
I again said that this was a family tradition and that I did not want to overstep.
Then this Thanksgiving, I thought since they were so bothered, I made the same journals for the rest of my grandkids. They cost a pretty penny, and it took me literally weeks to finish.
I thought L and J would be happy with them, but when I gave them to them they gave lukewarm thanks. D insisted to know what was wrong, and they said that they didn’t want forced gifts.
I was so upset that, once I made sure the kids couldn’t hear, I just went off on them.
I said that they were the ones who didn’t want to be part of my family traditions, I was just trying to be respectful, and when they wanted to, I did my best to include them. Then I made them give me back the journals and said that I was never going to include them again because I am tired of them jerking me around.
Now that I cooled off I feel like a total jerk.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They can’t keep you at arm’s length and then be upset when you do the same. They can’t tell you that you are being unfair, and then be upset when you try to correct that for them.
You didn’t buy whatever from their registries, you gifted them something that, presumably, they wanted. You literally can’t win with these two. Going off on them was justified, taking the journals back maybe wasn’t the best because it punishes the innocent grandkids, but I’m not going to call you the jerk for that.” sanguine_sheep
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They’re pushing and pulling you. They want you to be more like an aunt until it’s time for gifts that are more suited for mother and child. Then after they guilt you, when you try to make it right, they don’t want them?
Once you’ve cooled down, I think you need to have a serious talk to clear the air and move forward. They clearly feel sad for being left out of special traditions that you didn’t let them know about beforehand but you didn’t do it with malice, just trying to respect their mother and your role in their lives.
That doesn’t give them the right to turn up their noses when you go out of your way to make them feel included.” jsk1987
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They clearly have unresolved issues around your place in their lives that they need to sort out.
That’s their responsibility.
While I think the sentiment that you’re ‘never going to include them again’ was a bit hyperbolic, it’s not unreasonable to need to set a firmer boundary with them. I don’t necessarily think you need to verbally walk that back right now, though.
Instead, it would be better to get some time and distance from them and think about how, assuming they use this as a wake-up call to change, you want to move forward.” northstarette
9. AITJ For Pressuring My Brother To Move Out?
“My (33M) wife (31F) and I have a 9-month-old kid. Years ago, I had to purchase the family home from my dad who struggled to make ends meet. This is a townhouse with multiple levels. The 1st level is the hall, kitchen & toilet, 2nd level is the master bedroom & toilet & a mini hall for baby stuff, 3rd level has 3 rooms & a common toilet (2 used by my brother, 1 room used to store stuff and for cats to poo).
My brother (29M) stays with us and he is also married to his wife (28F) from Ohio (we’re Asians). She’s got mild autism and some antisocial tendencies, i.e. she can only interact with my brother and their 4 cats. She never speaks to me or my wife and doesn’t acknowledge my kid as she hates babies.
We were living somewhat happily with each of us occupying a level for ourselves. My dad has the hall as he was partially debilitated (bro and I would help him whenever he calls us), I took the master bedroom level for my family, and my brother and his wife occupied the top level.
Today: Dad died in October, leaving my bro and me. My father-in-law offered us a helper to help take care of our baby since the baby is super active and demands our attention and time. My wife’s been struggling to handle the baby by herself and needs my constant support.
A helper will greatly help take a load off our shoulders, as my wife can work and I can start to find a better-paying job.
Based on the house layout, logically the choice would be to utilize the 1 extra room for the helper.
When I spoke to my brother, he flipped. He said the top level has always been his. He and his wife walk around in boxers and undergarments and they can’t do that anymore, making them uncomfortable. Since that room is also used to house the cat’s poo, the cats won’t have anywhere else to poo.
And brother’s wife will just stay in her room as she is deathly afraid of other people. Because of this, he will have to move out, and he will do so within these few months. But not before making me feel like a total jerk, as he said he will get lost and I will be free to do anything I want since it was my home (his words, not mine).
As an added guilt trip, our dad before he passed, told us to always stick together and be around for each other, so that we won’t be estranged like him and his brother before us. And only about a month after his death, we are already planning to split up, making me feel absolutely awful.
Some context – my bro and I were really close since we were kids. Our mom died when I was 12, and he was 8. However things got strained between us when he got married..he seemed to take on his wife’s persona and became more reclusive rather than helping his wife overcome her social anxiety.
This also hit me hard.
AITJ for wanting an extra room for a helper and consequently ‘pressuring’ my brother to move out within a month of my dad dying?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, let him move out. Your responsibility is to your wife and kid, not your brother and his wife who refuse to do anything that even slightly inconveniences them.
If you don’t have a written lease he was a month-to-month tenant. You should write up a formal letter stating as a month-to-month tenant you’re only required to give the state-mandated x amount of days to leave but will instead give an extra amount of time but he is to be completely out of the home by x date or an official eviction will follow.” terayonjf
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This had to happen at some point, as your child will only get older and need more space, and you may even have another child.
It sounds like your brother and his wife need their own sacrosanct space and your house could only ever provide the illusion of that temporarily.
In a way, it’s better this happens now rather than later when you will have an older child clamoring for their own room and a predictably even more reclusive and antisocial couple upstairs who, over the years, have come to see ‘their’ floor as their permanent home and private domain.” jwjnthrowawaykfeiofj
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is your house and your brother and sister-in-law don’t sound as if they contribute much. If you’re worried that you aren’t sticking together, is there a possible compromise? Do you truly need a live-in helper?
Could your helper just come over for part of the day? You would get help, and surely an extra person in the home would make them realize how things are changing while reminding them that this is YOUR house and time for them to make other arrangements in the near future.
This is a slower process, but less stress on your relationship with your brother.” pay-atenchin
8. AITJ For Telling My Husband Not To Think Too Much About His Daughter's Changed Behavior?
“My husband has a 14-year-old daughter, Everly, from a previous relationship. Her bio mom is not in the picture and he and Everly are very close as a result of that. Everly has some serious health issues. I won’t say what they are out of respect for her privacy but she’s in and out of the hospital and is being monitored almost 24/7 at home.
Everly was just in the hospital and came home yesterday. When my husband took her home, he got distracted with a work call and I was with our 3-month-old so my mom got her something to eat and tucked her in for a nap.
When my husband was done with his call he went into Everly’s room to check on her. She was supposed to be asleep so he didn’t knock because he didn’t want to wake her up. When he went in Everly dove under the covers and told him to get me or my mom.
He got me and I checked on her and gave her meds.
She explained that she kicked my husband out because she was changing and panicked when she came in (she had a shirt on by the time I came in).
She and I talked about it then I went to tell my husband that everything was fine and she wasn’t mad. I explained the situation to him and he was relieved that he hadn’t done anything wrong and that she wasn’t upset but he was confused why she was comfortable with me coming in when I’ve only been in her life for 3 years, especially when she’s never been uncomfortable with him before.
I told him that she’s 14 and things are changing and she might want to talk to me about certain things and she might change her mind on what she’s comfortable with. That night she was feeling nauseous. When that happens someone will give her nausea medicine and sit in the bathroom with her until the feeling passes.
My husband almost always does this but last night she only wanted me.
I went back to bed after she went to sleep. My husband was still awake and, after checking to make sure she was okay, started saying that he can’t believe she was starting to pull away from him.
I was a little frustrated (it’s been a really long week) and told him to get over himself and that their relationship is fine. I reminded him that she just spent 2 hours curled up in his lap while we watched a movie.
He didn’t say anything after that and he’s been a little distant today. I feel bad but I also think he needed a wakeup call. Everly still loves him a lot and it’s perfectly normal for her to want her mom (she’s been calling me mom for a little over a year now) in certain situations as she gets older.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here – he’s not a jerk; it’s natural for him to struggle a bit at the idea of ‘his little girl’ not needing him as much as she grows up and becomes her own person.
I imagine there will be more incidents like this in the future, as she starts seeing someone, moves out, etc.
But I don’t think you’re the jerk either, especially since Everly obviously loves you and feels comfortable with you, but I would apologize to your husband for what you said, and try to be more understanding.
It’s not about ‘getting over himself,’ it’s about realizing their connection is changing and all the little things that entail. It’s probably hitting him pretty hard, and a little compassion will go a long way.” harderthanitlooks27
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sometimes a girl just wants another female around her. It doesn’t mean she loves her dad any less. But there are some things a young woman is not comfortable talking about (initially at least) with her father. I realize this is not true for every daughter, but they both need to realize she’s growing up and they must let her navigate her own path in a way that’s comfortable to her.
Dad is realizing his daughter is growing up. Mom needs to understand that Dad’s going to get that big truth right upside the head whether he wants it or not. Mom will have the rough part because she needs to be supportive of them both.
Until things level out.” User
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. Could you have been more sensitive? Maybe, if you weren’t exhausted—but you were. And you’re right that he needs to be more mature and realize that his daughter’s needs matter more than his ego, and you def wanna nip his line of ‘woe is me’ before he takes it to his daughter.
She should NOT be made to feel guilty or like she is abandoning her dad, just for having normal developmental needs. So, I agree with the sentiment you expressed—it could just have been done more gently. I suspect you can soften the blow and make amends with him today/later, and you did right by the kiddo.” Internal_Designer399
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but I guess he had to care for her most of her life and isn’t used to getting pushed away YET. I mean it’s the same with moms who spent years being there for their kids and now have to learn to let them go.
I guess you should apologize for not seeing his needs and emotions as well. It’s new to him. Just tell him that she is growing up and will need more independence and female guidance and ask him what he needs to get used to his new situation.
If she needed almost 24/7 monitoring then his whole life was focused on her so changes also impact his routine. Of course, he needs to understand that his daughter is growing up but he also deserves time to process the change and not be told to get over it.
It’s like someone dies and ppl tell you to get over it. He did it for YEARS so help him to get used to the new norm without telling him he shall get over it.” TRACYOLIVIA14
7. AITJ For Being Insulted By My Stepdad's Comment About My Kimchi?
“So I (19F) was having dinner with my family (mom 43F, stepdad 41M, stepsiblings 12M and 11M) and there was food on the table.
Stir-fried mixed vegetables. I was eating the stir fry mixed vegetables but stopped because it was bitter due to the bitter gourd that was mixed into it.
So I asked my mom if the kimchi we had bought earlier was in the fridge, and she said yes.
I stand up and get the kimchi for myself so I can pair it with rice. Now if you don’t know what kimchi is, it’s basically korea fermented cabbage. It has chili powder and a lot of garlic in it.
So the smell can be very garlicky. It’s mildly pungent but not putrid. It’s just garlic.
So I open the jar and put some on my plate. As I start eating, my stepdad kept saying ‘That smells BAD’. He wasn’t content in saying it once, he said it 5 more times again in this disgusted tone wherein he was covering his face and nose and looked like he was about to lose appetite.
I personally felt insulted because we eat more pungent food like fermented fish but he doesn’t seem to react. But I eat some fermented vegetables and now he’s acting like I’m eating rotting meat. So to my feeling of being insulted, I stood up, walked away to the kitchen with my plate, and said ‘Oh.
I’m sorry it stinks. I’m going to eat in the kitchen’.
He apparently felt insulted by my standing up and enjoying my food in the kitchen. He then told my mom to watch how I act and asked her to talk to me.
I also overheard my mom asking him saying ‘What do you want me to do?’ in an annoyed tone because he was making a big deal out of it.
After they finished eating my mom met up with me in the kitchen and she told me to apologize to my stepdad because what I did was heavily disrespectful and rude.
And that it was a jerk move. I told her I’m not going to apologize for being insulted by somebody making snarky comments about the food I eat.
I stood up and ate in the kitchen in hopes for me to remove myself from the situation where my stepdad is disgusted so he can continue eating his food.
So, AITJ for walking away from the dinner table over some kimchi?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, this sounds like it’s more about the vegetables than the kimchi (which I suspect your stepdad was involved with cooking). He may have felt that you disrespected him for turning down his cooking, but he still overreacted over the whole thing and it didn’t need to devolve into this kind of drama.
I have eaten meals with family members who ordered kimchi and can confirm it’s not absolutely putrid. Even if I were to give your stepdad the benefit of the doubt and the smell was absolutely vile to him in some way, he could have been much more polite about it and been understanding of you eating it away from the table.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The food wasn’t working for you, you added something to it to make it more palatable (like one would with ketchup), but your stepdad wouldn’t stop antagonizing you about it so you removed yourself from the situation so as to be able to eat your food and not bother him.
It sounds like he is wanting control over you (and your mom cause he put her in the middle instead of speaking to you himself). Don’t apologize for being more mature and walking away from the situation.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! You wanted to add something to your food to eat it better so you did, it was rude of him to constantly be passive-aggressive (?) And basically tell you not to use kimchi because he just doesn’t like the smell!
I have certain smells that make me literally sick but I’m not gonna act how he did and constantly say it smells bad to make you feel guilty then get offended when you’re nice enough to take your food elsewhere so as to not bother me anymore!
He should’ve been a big boy and put up with it, not even having the guts to let you know the smell bothers him, or at least feel respected that you moved away so he would stop complaining! I think he just wanted to have power and complain about anything, you solved the issue and basically apologized so why is he demanding an apology?
You fixed the situation perfectly, he’s just butthurt because you won’t cater to his will.” TiramisuTriceratops
6. AITJ For Breaking My Promise To My Firstborn Daughter?
“I (47F) am a single mother with two twin daughters (13F). They both live in different foster homes for a reason I would not like to discuss.
But we try to go on vacations together at least once a year and about 5 years ago I told my daughters that I wanted to go on a vacation with one of them at a time and promised the firstborn that I would take her first. Sadly I have not been able to find the perfect time to go with her and I have had to reschedule a few times until now.
My firstborn daughter got placed in a better foster home than her twin sister, they have been on many vacations and visited places all over the world. Her sister has not. So I decided that it would be more fair to go with her instead since her twin has been out of the country more than she has.
Now my firstborn is very mad because I had promised to go with her for so long. Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You’re literally PUNISHING one daughter for being placed in a better foster home that was NOT in her control.
You’re punishing a little girl because she was transferred to a home that has better opportunities than her sister.
She’s being punished for something she had NO SAY IN.
You had children you gave them up and now are punishing one for something she didn’t control or decide simply because her sister did not get the same.
That’s the problem.” Alyssa_Hargreaves
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There is no good reason to do separate trips. If you truly travel all together once a year, just tell them both that you have decided that separate trips are not fair or necessary and you will continue to go together.
You are also the jerk for having a voluntary foster situation in which you allowed twins to be separated. You are going to reply that you had no choice. Either it is voluntary or it is not. I suspect it is not as voluntary as you are pretending.” Robsmom45
Another User Comments:
“I get your reasoning and why it seems fair if it was just about the traveling. But it’s not. It’s about getting to spend one-on-one time with you. Your eldest shouldn’t have to give up on that, nor have that promised time with you taken away simply because she got luckier with the foster home.
I understand your guilt about the youngest but you’d be best to find another solution if you can. Although it may be too late if you have now made promises to your youngest. Take small steps with building trust and expectations, not grand gestures.
YTJ.” Only-Main8948
5. AITJ For Kicking My Cousin's Stepkid Out Of The Family Photo?
“My (M 30s) family grew up taking a big family Thanksgiving picture that is used for Christmas cards. I kept the tradition going with my family. We host Thanksgiving every year and it’s always around 20+ people. Most families we hang out with are from my wife’s side since mine are pretty scattered around.
The past pictures were fine but some tended to wear pajamas type outfits (mostly PJ pants and a t-shirt) to Thanksgiving. No big deal to me but the past picture was mixed with mostly nicely dressed people and then a random few in pajamas.
This year I texted each family and asked them to have a nice but casual outfit for the picture but feel free to dress however they want the rest of the day. I even said jeans and a nice shirt are okay for the picture.
So the day of Thanksgiving. My wife’s cousin Sarah’s family arrived including 3 stepchildren. 2 dressed in pajamas but had a change of clothes. Sarah goes up to me and says please don’t be mad. A second later, the oldest Sam (NB 14/15) came dressed in a full goth outfit, chains, black makeup, and spiked dyed hair.
Normally, they dress slightly goth… like they prefer black but nothing crazy. Never before have they even gone close to this ‘hardcore’. They said something like, ‘Hope you like the outfit, I’m wearing this for the picture.’ I forgot what I said but it was barely anything.
Probably a grunt or uh huh. I say to Sarah, ‘They can’t wear that in the picture.’
I don’t say anything else, my wife gives me the look but then walks away. I get back to cooking for 20+ people.
Picture time comes and we take the group photo with Sam included. Then I tell Sam I would like a few pictures without them in it. They try to get argumentative and I said along the lines of, ‘You knew I asked people to dress nicely just for a group photo.
You purposely dressed like this to spite me and I have no idea why.’ It was awkward but Sarah told Sam to step aside and we took the photo.
The day goes on fine and I know people probably talked. Today I saw some social media posts mentioning the situation and it’s annoying me.
I stand by my decision and am not sure if I’ll respond privately or not.
So AITJ for kicking Sam out of the family photo because of the way they dressed?”
Another User Comments:
“If Sam really dressed that way to ‘spite’ you, imagine how flummoxed they would have been if you just didn’t comment and allowed pictures to be taken as usual, showing them that their ploy didn’t work.
You messed up.
On the other hand, if Sam dressed that way because they liked those clothes and felt good in them and were excited to be photographed with the family that way, you were rude and excluded a child who is just discovering their sense of style.
You messed up.
Either way, YTJ.” magstar222
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You made a very simple and clear request this year for casual but nice outfits specifically for the photo. But also said that people could wear whatever they wanted the rest of the day, just look ‘casual but nice’ for the photo.
Every single other person was capable of fulfilling this clear and simple request. Why should Sam be the only one allowed to go against the request, when every single other person followed the request?
And after you mentioned that you would have been perfectly fine if they dressed in the usual black attire that they have historically worn to Thanksgiving, I feel this makes you even less of a jerk.
Because for Sam, they could have dressed in this more extreme goth outfit all day and had their usual, toned-down but still emo outfit with them for the family photo. They will still get to express themselves and identify themselves as ‘different’ from the rest, yet still respect the desire for a more ‘casual but nice’ outfit.
It’s not like you were expecting them to go completely against their own lifestyle and preferences by making them wear a blue and white plaid button-down, nice blue jeans, and some brown dress shoes. They could have still worn all black like they always have.
Instead, they chose to completely rebel against the request and go extreme.
Everyone else willingly brought clothes for the photo as requested and briefly changed out of their preferred comfy PJs. They were respectful of your wishes.
Sam was trying to make a statement and a point, and I don’t feel that YTJ here since everyone else was able to accommodate the request.
You still took photos with Sam in them. But Sam needs to learn the world doesn’t revolve around them and that there were VERY reasonable, win-win ways to accommodate your request without abandoning their style completely.” Happytequila
Another User Comments:
“YTJ firstly because Sam is 14/15. You are an adult.
Let’s say you let Sam be in all of the photos. Years later, Sam might look back at the family photos and think ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe that outfit I wore’ and you could have all gotten a good laugh out of it.
OR Sam would still have that personal style, look back, and think ‘I have an accepting family. I’m glad they let me express myself.’
Instead, Sam will look back at the pictures and think: here is the event where I was excluded. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe it didn’t cross your mind at the time, but the dynamic of Sam being NB and also a stepchild makes it seem like this decision wasn’t based on the outfit.” viktor-nikiforov
4. AITJ For Wanting A Birthday Cake That I Can Actually Eat?
“I (F 30s) had a birthday recently and my husband (M 40s) wanted to throw a small get-together with some close family and friends.
We live with his mom and sister, who both have health issues (FIL passed away recently). My SIL insisted on making me a cake, which was very nice of her considering her health and mobility issues. She asked what flavor of cake I like and I told her.
And reminded her of my dietary restrictions (definitely not a choice or preference). She knew about one of them but seemed to forget about the second.
She seemed to get upset that my restrictions limited what kind of cake she could make but said she’d see what she could do.
I told her I have the supplies that meet my restrictions so she didn’t have to buy them. I also offered to just buy a dessert I could eat so I wouldn’t inconvenience her (or anyone else). She talked to my husband and asked about my restrictions and how bad the symptoms were for me.
She then told him she could only meet one of the restrictions and not the other.
My husband said I’m the jerk because his sister is doing something nice for me and I should just take a small bite at the party to be nice (even if it makes me extremely ill).
I took a small bite at the party and got sick that evening. I got a separate cake for everyone else to enjoy since not everyone has the same restrictions as me. I wasn’t able to eat any of the other desserts.
Part of me worries that I’m a jerk/a spoiled brat for wanting food I could eat and the other part of me feels that because it was my birthday, I should have had a dessert I could fully enjoy without worrying that I could get sick.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
I’m beyond shocked that happened to you when it’s YOUR birthday and you couldn’t even have a cake that you could eat. Your husband apparently doesn’t have your back, belittling your medical restrictions, calling you the jerk, and urging you to eat something that you both knew would make you sick.
And he professes to love you?
You must start being your own advocate. They obviously aren’t looking out for your best interests and don’t care about your health and well-being. That wasn’t the birthday cake she made for you. It was a cake she made to fool everyone into thinking she cares about you.” LoveBeach8
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Here, eat this poison, and don’t forget to smile and say thank you. I mean… that is not okay. You have got to learn how to stand up for yourself.
You could’ve graciously but firmly declined. ‘I really appreciate the offer to make me a cake, but my dietary restrictions make that more complicated than I’m comfortable putting on anyone.’
Then ask your husband to buy you something you can eat for dessert. Do NOT take one bite of stuff that’s harmful to you. (I never eat my own cake. I doubt anyone even noticed. If they did, I’d just say, it looks delicious, but I’m good.) Be kind to yourself.
Make sure other people are too.” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s ridiculous for someone to expect you to eat something that you’re allergic to or eat something that you’re not necessarily allergic to but your doctor says you can’t have.
If they can’t make something that you can eat or aren’t willing to, then they need to not make a big deal over you bringing something you can eat. That’s really weird of them making you out to be the bad guy for trying to appease everyone despite your allergies.
I’d have just straight up said nope. Can’t eat it without having negative consequences so y’all have fun while I eat the food I brought with me that won’t make me hurl.” Kooky-Hotel-5632
3. AITJ For Pushing My Coworker Who's Allergic To Nuts To Make The Drinks?
“I (27m) used to work at a popular local coffee shop. I quit a few years ago to pursue other passions but recently came back. Previously, I had a great friendship with my coworkers and our regular customers. I love to talk with our regulars, it’s one of my favorite parts of the day.
Makes me feel like life is a movie.
Now that you’re all caught up, I’ll introduce the problem. While I was gone, a girl who we’ll call Marie (fake name, 16f) joined.
No problem with that. She’s sweet, and everyone treats her as if she was their younger sister or daughter – even the customers.
She just gets on my nerves because it’s like she knows that everyone loves her.
Now, Marie is allergic to nuts and freaks out when hazelnut syrup gets on her. She refuses to make drinks with almond or soy milk/acts all sad when customers bring doughnuts because she can’t have them.
I think she’s being dramatic, but then again, I don’t have any food allergies.
Anyways, we were pretty busy last Friday after school, my SO came in to study, and I took her order. Marie was the only one making drinks because we were short-staffed and the other barista was on break, but she’s an experienced barista at this point and should’ve been fine.
The only other employee was wearing a headset and taking orders through the window.
I was having a nice talk with my partner when Marie came up to me and asked if she could take care of the rest of the line while I swapped her and made the drinks.
I asked her why and she said it was because three of them had either hazelnut syrup or almond milk in them.
Here’s where I may have been the jerk: Obviously, I told her no and to just go get some gloves on and make them.
I told her that she would be fine because she would. She’s not going to have a reaction just because she touches a tiny bit of it. If she was, why would she be working here? I’m allergic to cobalt, but you don’t see me complaining about not having a tattoo.
She went and asked the coworker on headsets to trade before proceeding to tell him what I told her. They traded, and he came over to me to tell me I was a jerk and needed to apologize.
My partner told me that what I did was perfectly acceptable.
I think what I did is perfectly fine. Marie needed to know that the world wasn’t gonna change for her just because she has an allergy. But word spreads fast through shifts and all of my coworkers say otherwise. I’m starting to feel like I might have overreacted.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I mean come on now. YTJ and you know it.
Not necessarily because of how you acted like you came back to a coffee shop and expected to be treated like royalty and not even because of her nut allergy.
Those things make you a jerk but that’s not why we are really here.
YTJ because you weren’t working when you should have. ‘I was having a nice talk with my partner when Marie came up to me and asked if she could take care of the rest of the line while I swapped her and made the drinks’.
Your co-worker literally asked you to get your head out of your butt and DO YOUR JOB and you said no.” IamAustinCG
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You for being in some kind of weird work rivalry with a 16-year-old kid and your whole attitude toward her.
She for either taking a job she can’t perform due to her allergies or acting up her allergies to get out of work.
That being said, it doesn’t sound like either of you has any authority over the other, so what you need to do is talk to your manager and ask how they want everyone to handle Marie’s allergies.
Either they’ll tell her that she can’t perform her duties, or they’ll create a system that allows her to work around her allergies, but that way you’ll know what to do in the future.” NArcadia11
Another User Comments:
“Neutral YTJ, it’s not your place to dictate if someone’s allergy is worth accommodating (even unofficially) or not, especially when you’re not following the agreed-upon protocol concerning this.
Also, you did this when the place was busy and understaffed, yet you somehow have time to socialize with your partner. Even if she is lying about all this, you’re bringing negativity to the workplace, which seems to have already made you the jerk to your coworkers, no matter what commenters think, and their opinion should weigh more as they’re the ones that are going to have to work with the both of you.
Are there enough employees that you could be scheduled for different shifts?
It’s also not your place to judge or question why she works there, whether it’s any of the reasons you listed as to why you like working there, or out of necessity or preference.
Same way it’s none of our business why you went back to this job after leaving.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
You for chatting up your partner when the store was busy instead of doing your job.
Her for using her allergy to get out of certain tasks that are a part of her job.
Use gloves or get a different job where she isn’t exposed to her allergy if it’s such a big deal, for Pete’s sake.
Other coworkers for enabling and leading to this kind of confrontation and delay in the workplace, to begin with.
Especially that specific coworker this time though for insulting you, AKA being hostile in the workplace.
Your partner for showing up at your work and acting as a distraction when you’re supposed to be working.
This is a business, if you want to work for a business then abide by their standards and do the job you are being paid to do.” Mental-Woodpecker300
2. AITJ For Not Allowing My Wife To Buy A New Car?
“My wife recently was driving to work, and her car shut off on the highway. It almost caused an accident and at the moment she ‘thought for sure it was going to be over’. I picked her up from work that night and she completely had a breakdown about how she thought she was going to never see me again.
I feel awful for her. To add to this: this has happened to her before with her previous car (That we sold to get her current car, it was of a similar age). She had a conversation with me 3 weeks ago about how she wanted a new car because she doesn’t think her car was safe (although, we have had this conversation before).
There was nothing wrong with the car that triggered this, but it’s getting close to cold season here. I told her we need to hold out, and should get new tires for the moment.
We have older cars (2009 & 2010, both under 150k miles), but we keep up on maintenance & inspections and they work well with expected repairs at that age.
Now my wife doesn’t want to drive her car anymore, or my car (because it’s just as old) because she no longer feels safe driving them. Also with this being the second time this has happened, she wants to get something new, or at least fairly new, in the next two weeks.
I told her I want her to get a new car, but we need to hold out a few more months to save up some funds. Our finances are tight, we’re planning on buying a house next year so we need to keep saving for a down payment (we only have a total of 10k saved up, although we have no debt, this is really just an emergency fund) and the market is really, really bad for cars right now.
She broke down again about how saving a little money isn’t worth dying over, and while I really, really do understand her, making our largest purchase EVER in two weeks because of a scary experience sounds like we might be making an impulsive decision.
To meet her in the middle, we rented a car from a rental shop for now so she could take some time driving something ‘newer’ because I feel like I couldn’t push her to drive my old car after her dealing with all of this, but after a week she will either need to start driving her car again (understandable that she doesn’t want to drive this) or my car (which I think she should, as my car has had no issues and low miles).
Am I being an insensitive jerk here? I really don’t want my wife to feel unsafe driving, and she really does deserve a new car, but we just don’t have the money and I can help but feel this is something we will regret rushing into when I don’t feel confident about our current financial situation.”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here
I don’t blame your wife for wanting a new car, but if the money’s not there then the money’s not there. If you can’t figure out what’s wrong with her old car and get it fixed, though, to at least give her some peace of mind, it’s time to bite the bullet and get a new car.
On the other hand, you can always take a while longer to save for a house, but if your wife dies because of this, a funeral can be pretty expensive too.” floydfan
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your wife doesn’t feel safe in either of your cars.
That is the beginning and should be THE END of the discussion. Another two months isn’t going to make a massive difference, especially if you’re spending a lot on renting a car for her to drive.
You have 10k saved up and you have two cars.
You have more than enough to sweeten the pot and get a new car since you said you don’t strictly need two cars. You can trade in your two vehicles and put money down and get a very reasonable car payment.
It may even be CHEAPER to do this as a new car will have a full warranty and any problems that come up will have to be fixed by the manufacturer at no cost to you for several years. This is often a lot cheaper than the maintenance cost on an older car.
This will help you save your money for your eventual purchase of a house.
Not only that but having a new car and paying it off over a couple of years will put you in a much better position with your credit, and it will score you wife points.
It’s worth it for the wife points alone. The rest of the benefits are just bonuses.” a_man_in_black
Another User Comments:
“You need to believe your wife.
She’s right, money isn’t worth her life. She knew the car was dangerous to drive and she has a highway commute.
Believe your wife.
You are living in a fantasy world with these unreliable cars. I know you want to think they are fine, but you’ve described a good driver who keeps up with repairs who has her own job, and who is a reasonable person, and you are telling her what she knows is wrong because it’s financially inconvenient for you.
Believe her. Your marriage is at stake right now, and your highest priority should be listening to your partner.
I don’t think you’re a jerk so I’m putting ‘no jerks here’ but you need to realign your priorities in your marriage.
This is a time to sacrifice your stated personal financial goal to put your marriage and your wife first.” imtchogirl
Another User Comments:
“Your wife has lost confidence in both vehicles. That means each time she is driving one or the other, she’s stressed. That stress doesn’t magically dissipate after turning off the car, so she is now living with a heightened level of stress.
Do you know what stress does? It disrupts focus and damages memory, which impacts the quality of the work product. Do you know what happens when the work product is impacted? Disciplinary action, potentially leading to dismissal.
That stress also means she will drive either vehicle differently than she otherwise would.
Do you know what that leads to? An increased risk of an accident.
Do you know what an accident causes? Medical bills, car repairs, and increased insurance premiums.
YTJ. Buy your wife the car. A few months doesn’t make a material difference here and her safety matters more than buying a house.” knittinspinner
If your wife really wants a new car, she can get one. But gave a conversation with her and let her know that buying a house will be pushed back by a significant amount of time. You BOTH need to talk and make decisions together.
1. AITJ For Letting My Wife Stay At A Hotel?
“My wife, Tiffany, is pregnant with our third child (6 months).
Our other children are ages 5F and 5M.
Tiffany and my mother have had a complicated relationship for reasons in the past because of both of them.
My mother lives 5 hours away.
I have a disease that I won’t go into in detail, but because of it, I have severe migraine attacks that I’ve already stopped at the hospital, etc. I had one of them 2 weeks ago and I was in the hospital for 3 days and when I got home I was in bed in so much pain so I couldn’t do something.
Despite Tiffany’s resistance, she agreed to my mother’s help, as she was so overwhelmed with pregnancy, our dog, and the twins.
The next two weeks were miserable and I don’t know how a war didn’t happen, but yes, my mother helped a lot, the two of them didn’t get along at all.
I got much better at the end of the second week and I suggested that my mother could go back to her house if she wanted, to which she replied that she would like to spend more time with us (she would stay 4 more days).
In the bedroom, Tiffany freaked out, saying she couldn’t take it and all. I thought of something, I suggested that I could ask her to leave, but my mom would complain or I could give Tiffany a few days off, leaving her at the hotel with no responsibilities in those 4 days and my mom would complain anyway… So my mother complains, but about Tiffany relaxing in the hotel.
Tiffany started to complain that it was unfair for HER to have to do this, but when she realized it was 4 days of all-inclusive and no responsibilities, she accepted.
She went to the hotel on Sunday and she is there.
When my mom found out that Tiffany had gone to the hotel, she asked why and I said I wanted to give her a break and that it was tense these two weeks.
My mother freaked out saying it was extremely rude for a person to go to the hotel right when she said she would stay more days and that she also helped and I didn’t even want to give her anything.
I even offered to give her a spa weekend in the future, but it’s still frothing to this day that I’m endorsing this kind of behavior from my wife and how disappointed she is that we did it.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were in a hard situation and went along with your wife’s ‘no’ to your mom coming. Great. Your wife made the decision to have MIL over because it was the only option she could see working. The two women made it through, and you got on well enough to do your part once again.
You were not the jerk for asking if your mom wanted to come back sometime for a visit, and you were not the jerk upon hearing your mom’s response, because you went and talked with your wife about it. You offered a compromise and let your wife make the decision.
From everything I read here, it sounds like you would have let your wife have the veto decision. However, she chose to take some time completely off. In her place (and I’ve been pregnant multiple times), I would have jumped at the chance for that.” Chantaille
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here.
It sounds like you made many decisions that affected your wife without her input, knowledge, or consent. Agreeing after the fact is not consent just for your information. You knew that your wife and mother don’t get along so instead of relieving your wife’s stress, you added more to it.
It was good of you to give your wife time away to relax and decompress but the bottom line still stands that you really really didn’t think this whole situation through.
Also, your mom can be reminded to mind her business.
If their time together was truly so bad that you wonder how a war didn’t start then your mother can’t truly be mourning her daughter-in-law being elsewhere for a few days.” Top-Bar3863
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It sounds like you did everything you could.
I think that as long as you would have kicked out your mother if your wife didn’t want to stay in a hotel, then you’re fine. The point is that your wife should always come before your mother unless your wife is being like really unreasonable.
And it sounds like you put your wife before your mother, and your mother is upset. So your mother is the jerk. She is also the jerk for saying that she would stay an extra 4 days unless she genuinely thought that you needed help.” User
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. Just you and your mom though not your wife. She and your mom clearly don’t get along and yet without discussing it, you invited her over causing more harm and stress in the household.
It’s nice you ‘gave’ your wife a weekend at a hotel, but in reality, you should have paid for a hotel for your mom to stay in so your wife can feel comfortable IN HER OWN HOME. I hope your wife enjoys her little break but be prepared for some silent treatment my man.” UpsetMath47
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