People Have Trust Issues After These "Am I The Jerk?" Stories

“I (40F) am the primary healthcare proxy for my mother (85F), and our relationship is… complicated to say the least.

Growing up, my parents have always had favorites between me and my brother (44M now). My brother was my mother’s favorite, and I was my dad’s favorite.

And because of that, it sort of “balanced out.”

However, my dad passed away last year when he was 91, and it was a really difficult time for me and my mother. Especially since my mother’s health had declined a lot since my dad passed away.

And despite how I wasn’t as close to my mother, I still decided to step up to take care of her. Especially when my dad asked me to do so on his deathbed because he didn’t want my mother to be all alone after he passed away.

However, recently, I heard from one of my dad’s friends about how my mother was planning on leaving almost everything behind for my brother in her will.

How my brother was going to get the majority of the financial inheritance, all of the family heirlooms, and most importantly… the family home that my father wanted to give to me, but decided not to do so because he didn’t want to make my mother homeless.

And that bothers me, because not only have I been the one to take care of her for the last year, but also because this kind of blatant favoritism seemed far too extreme, even for me.

Especially since my brother already has his own house after my father gifted him one when he first got married; whereas I still don’t have one for myself, because I promised my dad that my (now deceased) husband and I wouldn’t buy one for ourselves, since my dad wanted to give us the family home.

So, when I confronted my mother about this, she not only confirmed that it was true, but she also told me that she thought it would be better for my brother to have the family home because it was bigger than the house he had now.

And she said that he and his wife (34F) were going to have another child soon, so they needed more room. She also argued that since I only had one daughter and no husband, I didn’t need such a big house.

But when I told her about what my dad promised me about the family home, she argued that if he really meant it, then he would have given it to me in the first place instead of just leaving it under her own name.

And since she owns the house now, she was going to give it to my brother no matter what.

But she did try to “provide” me with solutions by telling me that I should ask my brother for his house if owning a house was the main issue, which obviously wasn’t going to work out.

And now, because of what feels like a massive betrayal, I feel like I should just cut my support for her, sign away my rights as her healthcare proxy, and never talk to her again.

But I also feel conflicted if I did so, because I’ll be betraying my dad’s death wish.

Especially since I promised that I would take care of her after he died.

So, WIBTJ for wanting to refuse to continue to support my mother because of what she wrote down on her will?”

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. But you’re the jerk to yourself if you stay.

She favors your brother so much, and he has a partner to help, so sign the healthcare proxy over to him. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help someone who is giving him so much. And while that’s ongoing, talk to a lawyer.

Do you have any documentation proving that your dad wanted you to have the house? You may be able to contest your mom’s ownership if you do. But even if you don’t, document all the time you have spent caring for her, set yourself an hourly rate, total up the costs, and request payment.

You may be able to recoup the time spent caregiving from the estate after she passes.” Kingsdaughter613

Another User Comments:

“End-of-life care isn’t always tit-for-tat, but people tend to financially provide for their caregivers after they pass, if they have the assets to do so.

Your mother is not following your father’s final wishes for his assets, so I can’t judge you at all for not following his final wishes regarding her care. It’s unfortunate that your father didn’t legally protect any assets for you. You’re not going to be compensated in any way for your free labor, and you don’t have a close relationship with her.

She can be cared for by your brother or she can pay for a caregiver.

Edit: ESH in light of the fact that OP got more in liquid assets than the house is worth. OP, you are just throwing a fit because you don’t like the form that your inheritance took, but it sounds like the split is close to equal in monetary value at the end of the day.

I’m sure you have sentimental value attached to the house, but this is part of growing up for a lot of people; we are usually not in control of what happens to our childhood home. I’m not going to say you need to engage with a relative that you have a bad relationship with, but I think you bear some responsibility for her care.

You can pay for half if you don’t want to do it yourself.” polyetc

Another User Comments:

“NTJ. There are solutions that would have ensured that you got the house while letting your mother live there until she died or needed a higher level of care.

An estate attorney would have led your father through them. If he was the sole owner of the house, he could have created a trust with some money in it for home maintenance and property taxes plus the house that gave your mother a life estate in the house, with you as the remainderman, or final beneficiary, of the trust. He could have made you a co-owner of the house with the right of survivorship and relied on your promise to let your mother live there until she died. These solutions would also be available if your mother and father were joint owners of the house, but she would have had to agree to them prior to your father’s death.

If you have any documentation of your father’s intentions, talk to a lawyer. You may have grounds to contest the transfer of the house to your mother. Just as one can refuse to be the executor of an estate, you don’t have to be your mother’s healthcare proxy, nor are you obligated to provide her care.

She can hire carers privately and pay them, and you can relinquish the healthcare proxy to your brother. If he won’t accept it, there is probably a revocation or resignation form for the healthcare proxy that you can sign to include in your mother’s healthcare records.

That you are providing care to your mother is saving her a lot of money because she doesn’t have to hire help or go to an assisted living facility.” No_Philosopher_1870