People Hold Themselves Accountable In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
20. AITJ For Refusing To Go To Therapy With My Stepsister After She Destroyed My Deceased Dad's Last Goodbye?
“My stepsister and I (both 15f) used to be close. We became stepsisters at 6 and even though I never called her just my sister, I always thought of her as one of my best friends and a part of my family.
The only source of conflict we ever had was my dad’s family. They never took my stepsister on as their family and when I’d go to visit them she’d get upset about it. She always felt that wasn’t fair. My dad passed away and his family stayed in my life and loved me and made sure I had more people to love me.
But her mom left her and so did her mom’s family. I know it made her jealous and I know we fought about it before. She’d beg me to let her come along but I always felt a little uncomfortable with that so I never asked.
Two months ago my stepsister wanted us to go to this convention an hour from where we live. She never said anything and bought the tickets online without asking her dad or me. That same weekend I had plans to visit my great grandma for her birthday and was spending the night with her and my grandparents.
When she did mention the convention it was like 3 days before and I refused to cancel seeing my family to go with her. She told me she really wanted us to go and I could see my family any time. I told her my great grandma is older and I might not get to see her any time because she’s in and out of the hospital a lot.
That weekend while I was gone my stepsister found the DVD my dad made for me before he passed away, which was his last goodbye to me. It was my comfort item. I had it in my room in my desk because I wanted it to be safe.
My stepsister broke the disk and tossed it in the trash at the mall before I got back. I went to watch it that night and it was gone. I told my mom and I was pretty hysterical and that’s when she and my stepdad figured out what happened and I realized after.
I told my stepsister I hated her, I would never let her be my family again and we would never be friends again. She started crying and apologizing and I told her it didn’t matter because she’s dead to me. My mom took me for ice cream to try and calm me down and cheer me up and my stepsister was grounded when I got back.
Things have not blown over. I refuse to forgive her. I ignore her and make sure she’s not allowed to touch me. I leave the room if she comes in. I ignored her at school too. She was getting more and more upset. My mom and stepdad asked me to work on forgiving her and I said never.
They now want us to go to therapy together and I said no. I told them I won’t go willingly and even if they make me, I won’t take part in therapy. I said they can waste money if they want but I am not going to let her fix this.
I told them I wished she was never in my life, that I really hate her and I hope she ends up miserable and I’m never getting over the guilt of what she did because I’ll never forget.
My mom and stepdad got mad at me for refusing and said I needed to learn to forgive.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re not a jerk. Your sister did something that will likely at least sting for a very, very long time. That said, therapy may be advantageous to you either way. Even if it doesn’t “fix” things between you and your sister, it could: 1.
Be an opportunity for you to talk to a therapist about your grief and rage, and you may receive some advice that’s going to be useful for your own personal long-term healing, regardless of your sister. 2. Be an opportunity for you to understand why your sister did this.
Even if you end up never forgiving her, at least you’ll get more information about why it all happened and whether or not she’s taking her actions seriously or not.
Many times, part of lasting trauma is never getting to understand why someone did the things she did– so again, even if it doesn’t heal your relationship, therapy, where you’re both present, could mean you’ll have fewer unresolved questions about what happened further down the line.
Additionally, if you go to therapy and even afterward are like, “I have no interest in having a relationship with my sister,” your family can’t say you didn’t try. This could prevent your parents or your sibling from trying to use that against you in the future.
Ultimately whether you have therapy or not, the choice will still be yours as to whether or not a relationship with your sister is even worth it. And you deserve to make that choice.” dornenzahn
Another User Comments:
“I hate it when people make the victim responsible for fixing problems with the perpetrator.
You have every right to feel the way you do and going to their therapy sessions would be a waste of time and money. You may want to think about therapy in the future to help you deal with your dad’s death but only if it is what you want and with your own therapist. NTJ and so sorry about the loss of your dad’s message.” Plenty_Carrot7973
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she is 15, not 6, She had time to think about what she was doing she isn’t a small child throwing a temper tantrum. She is old enough to understand the significance of what she was doing, and she chose to do it anyway… This was calculated…
I might be able to see how she broke it in a moment of rage and hurt… but she also took steps to ensure that it was absolutely gone. She broke it, threw it away in a trash away from your home all before you got home.
This was intentional. This was cruel. This was revenge. This wasn’t an act of hurt feelings. This was revenge and hateful. She wanted to hurt you. She wanted to destroy something of yours. She chose the most hurtful and irreversible thing to do. It’s understandable to be upset about you not staying for the weekend, but she went absolutely nuclear.
Some things can’t be forgiven, and therapy doesn’t fix everything. You did everything right. You were kind and welcoming. You treated her like a sister, and she betrayed that. People cut family out for less than what she did. Honestly, this is something I don’t think I would ever be able to let go of.” AGirlHasNoGame_
19. AITJ For Avoiding My In-Laws During Their Visit To Keep The Peace?
“I (35F) live with my wonderful wife (Emma – 34F) and our two children (6-year-old twins, a boy and a girl).
Emma’s parents live in a different state. They are now paying us a visit to our home and will be staying for three weeks with us. They never really liked me very much from the very beginning. The feeling was mutual as well.
Now, while they’re visiting, I’m keeping busy at work and trying to avoid getting into arguments with them or causing any problems. I mostly achieve this by avoiding them (I already told Emma I would do this.
I said I want her to enjoy having her parents over but I wouldn’t sit around with them much. She completely understood.)
For instance, I’d play with the kids or take them out and let Emma have one-on-one time with her folks. Or I’d work a few more hours, etc.
The other day my FIL complained to me about not being present around them much. I simply said I was busy but he said he was not a child and he could clearly see they were being avoided. I only explained that I wish for things to remain civil between us and I was trying to avoid problems from arising.
Emma also backed me up.
FIL accused me of being a rude hostess and acting disrespectfully. I’d argue on the contrary, that I was acting quite respectfully by trying to avoid any problems, especially around my children and simultaneously allowing them to spend time with their daughter and grandkids.
Is this really a jerk move?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s FIL who is the jerk for arguing with you and demanding your presence no matter how unpleasant he makes it for you. It’s really ironic that he’s validating your reluctance to engage. It’s very polite of you to refrain from calling him a jerk to his face.
It would appear that the better way to avoid the abrasive in-laws in the future would be to refuse to again host them.” extinct_diplodocus
Another User Comments:
“NTJ personally. My partner hates my mum, and my mum (although she’s gotten better in the last year) makes it known she isn’t too keen on him either.
He never visits them with me I always just take the kids and go and he’s happy doing that and so is she. It avoids further problems and arguments as even though it’s rare when they argue, ultimately it’s me in the middle. I think it’s fair tbh.” CryptographerHot8184
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – LOL. So, let me get this straight…you have been avoiding the parents for the most part, WITH your wife’s blessing, to avoid any unnecessary drama and fights. Now the FIL wants to gripe because you aren’t there to fight with?
Sounds to me like he’s mad that you’re taking away his opportunity to pick at you until you get mad. If you aren’t there, they can’t pick. He’s not going to be happy no matter WHAT you do, SO, stick to the plan that you and your wife have and if he doesn’t like it…well, he can go kick rocks.
It’s not HIS house. He doesn’t get to dictate what YOU do in YOUR home.” glitterrose4969
18. AITJ For Refusing To Care For My Sick Ex-Husband?
“I (56f) have been married to my wife Angela (56f) for a year and we’re planning our first-anniversary celebration with a trip overseas.
I was very excited to spend this time with my wife but unfortunately, my ex-husband Dan’s (58m) recent hospitalization is putting a damper on my plans.
Backstory: I met Dan in college and we got married shortly after graduating when we found out that I was pregnant.
At the time it felt like the right thing to do but looking back it was a bad idea. I resented having to put my career aspirations on hold in order to be the full-time caregiver and Dan resented having to be the main financial provider.
However, this did not stop him from constantly bringing it up whenever I asked him to help with the kids or the home. He also never defended me when his mother would stop by (unannounced) and the household wasn’t up to “the Queen’s standard.” I felt so exhausted and trapped and if it weren’t for my kids Junior (34), Sarah (32f), Michelle (29f), and Mike (29m) I would’ve left years ago.
Unfortunately, Dan did not have the same values as me and blindsided me with divorce papers. It was a rough process but after the first year of our divorce being finalized I got my groove back and within the next four years I was able to get a nice apartment and a good career.
Present Day: A couple of weeks ago Dan was rushed to the hospital and while the doctors were able to save him, his health took a turn for the worse. His wife is now essentially working to provide for their kids, while her parents watch them to save on daycare.
I learned all of this through my children as I do not care to have any direct contact with Dan, but almost every time I talk to them they always bring up how stressed and tired they are over having to look after their father.
I thought I was just being a sympathetic ear but a couple of days ago my children came together to confront me about my lack of willingness to offer assistance to their father and as their mother I should want to care for him to make their own lives easier.
My children know that while I have a full-time job I can make up my own hours and they want me to come into his house at least twice a week to make sure he’s clean and fed or pay for a nurse to come do it.
I refused stating that Dan and I have been divorced for years and that their stepmom can handle that. That’s when they told me that she didn’t care about their dad like they do and is most likely hoping for him to pass so she can collect on his insurance policy as the legal wife.
My daughter Sarah then began to cry and asked me if I cared whether or not she had a dad anymore while Junior and Mike thought that I was being bitter. Michelle asked me to put them first and that I can reschedule my anniversary trip with Angela.
My former in-laws are also calling me to say that I need to do this and that I’d be a horrible mom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! It’s genuinely sad how little your children and former in-laws care about your happiness. It must have been very difficult for you to hear those selfish words from your own kids.
It raises the question as to whether anyone ever took your part during the marriage or its dissolution. Dan is not your problem. His wife and their children are not your problem. Your kids are all fully functioning adults who need to put on their big girl/big boy pants and deal with this situation on their own.
Go with Angela; perhaps the time together will help you to heal from the hurt caused by the insensitive and demanding people back home. At the very least, it will reinforce that you made the right choice by starting a new life with her.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have literally no legal or moral obligation to provide care for this man. He is not a part of your life anymore. Your paths diverged the moment he handed you divorce papers. You have both moved on and remarried. It sucks for your children that they might be losing a parent, but giving them any more than emotional support and a shoulder isn’t your responsibility.
Also, no one mentions here how Dan would feel about you coming back into his life to take care of him, it might not be something he even wants. His side of the family should be doing more to help, not expecting you to step up for them.
Also, I would imagine you giving in and doing this will cause a rift between you and your wife. I doubt she signed up to share your commitment with your ex.” Doktor_Seagull
Another User Comments:
“You know, once I behaved a bit like Sarah.
My father was an only child, and he passed away before his mother, my grandmother. Towards the end of my grandmother’s life I was struggling with my role in caring for her (it was hard, and there was no one else), and I chucked a bit of a tantrum about my mum’s lack of help.
My mum straight up said ‘She’s YOUR grandmother’, which sat me back on my butt a bit. My grandmother and my mum did not have a very good relationship, and for that reason, my mum felt disinclined to help. The thing is, I NEVER looked at my mum’s unwillingness to help as a reflection of how much she cared about me.
After I’d realized that no, my mum literally had no obligation to help care for the bitter haranguing old lady that was my grandmother, I just got on with the job. Sure, I was bummed. But I got it. My grandmother was pretty horrible to me too, and my mum had put up with it for another whole lifetime than I had.
NTJ.” hellouterus
NTA. Your children are delusional, selfish and entitled thinking that you have to do anything for their father when he's got a new wife fir that. Not your fault she doesn't treat him well.
His family can either help him like they expect you to or pound sand. Either way, their opinions mean nothing.
Enjoy your vacation
17. AITJ For Not Forcing My Son To Help My Sister?
“My 8-year-old son has dyspraxia, which is a neurological condition that affects coordination and movement, for anyone who has never heard of it before. He struggles not to drop or break things and doesn’t have good eye-hand coordination. He has always appeared “clumsy” and while he does his very best to be careful and to take good care of things, he can’t always prevent accidents, breakages, or spillages from happening.
This is something my sister has expressed frustration about over the years. He was the type of toddler (and now kid) who will be eating or drinking something and it falls to the floor or he knocks stuff over without meaning to because he’s reaching for something else.
It’s not his fault, he does OT to help him and has done physio in the past to boost his strength. But there is no “cure,” he’s just getting help to go through life.
My son has broken many things because of his condition. If it belonged to someone else we have always replaced it or paid for the damages.
We also started making sure he used his own stuff/our stuff to prevent this from happening, especially toys my sister’s kids have.
But his condition means he can’t do everything other kids his age might be able to do. Now this is a huge problem for my sister.
Last weekend my son spent the day with my parents while my wife and I were attending an event. My sister went to my parents and asked for my son to help her and her kids pack up stuff for their move and my son said he couldn’t help and he was sorry.
My sister told him he’s a big boy now and should be helping but my son told her he doesn’t do that kind of stuff. My parents told my sister to leave.
She confronted me after this and asked me what I was teaching my kid when he won’t help out family.
I told her we’re teaching him to work within his means and to not help out someone who will berate him for his condition which she will do. She said we’re coddling and spoiling him, that he’s more than old enough to learn how to be more careful, to do better, and to cause fewer accidents and make fewer mistakes and he needs to learn to help family.
And we need to make him do “stuff” for family to be good parents. I told her my son will never help her with “stuff” because she lacks the compassion and understanding that his efforts would require. Her response was that it was a jerk thing to say that he wouldn’t help specifically her and that she’s still his aunt and my sister and I’m supposed to be her brother.
I told her she’s supposed to be my sister and my son’s aunt but she edges on bullying him over this and it does not make her a suitable person for him to try helping out.
She asked me for an apology and for me to make this right.
She told me I owe her that much at the very least. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Has your sister even tried to understand your son’s condition? Because it sounds like she’s just chalking it up to a clumsy kid who needs to learn how to be more careful….
when that’s not the issue here at all. You’re a good dad for not subjecting your son to the bullying of an aunt who cannot respect and take into account his limitations, and it shows in that he felt comfortable standing up for himself.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“Not the same thing, but my son is autistic, so I feel you. There is no other way to say it, but my son is different. He is quiet and doesn’t like to be around a lot of people. It took me years to deal with the grief of knowing my son was not going to be who I had ‘envisioned’.
I learned to accept who he is and embrace him where he is, instead of where I want him to be. All that said, a lot of family members just don’t get him. At all. They think he is ‘spoiled’ or I don’t ‘push’ him enough.
Those people can*******. They have zero idea what my son has pushed through and accomplished in his life. NTJ and thanks for being a great dad!” Ellejaek
Another User Comments:
“Sorry, an adult tried to force an 8-year-old child who does not live with them to help pack their house?
And then refused to let it go when told no? Putting aside the limits to your son’s physical ability, his excellent enforcement of boundaries, and your sister’s history of bullying a child for his disability, this is a ridiculous thing for her to ask. If I needed family help to pack, I’d be asking my parents and siblings, not their children.
(Outside of a full family packing day, where the kids help with packing soft things that can’t be easily damaged because no child that age is going to have the knowledge and focus to pack well and without direct supervision for hours.) This was a setup from the start to manufacture another reason to bully your child.
NTJ.” killerteacell
16. AITJ For Only Inviting My Siblings To My Wedding And Not My Extended Family?
“I (25m) am happily engaged to Clara (24f) and we’re in the final stages of wedding stuff.
Invites were sent out recently and this has caused some controversy. To give you the full context I need to provide background.
So, my parents had a unique situation growing up. Sorta like sister wives but not sister wives. My dad had four women he would rotate around and impregnate.
With my mom, he had Jase (27m), me, Cassie (22f) and Robyn (20f). Between the other three women, he had an additional 15 children. He’s married to none of them, doesn’t really live with any of them either and there were a lot of breakups and makeups over the last 3 decades since this rotational thing started. Sometimes it was presented like we were a big family but typically the woman he was sleeping with at the time was meant to be someone all the kids gravitated toward and we were meant to have one big sibling bond vs bonds only formed with the kids who shared the same mom.
The three other women other than my mom are Ellen (7 kids with dad), Trina (5 kids with dad), and Elizabeth (3 kids with dad). Of the three other women, Elizabeth is the one who I think hoped all the kids would embrace her and look to her as a second mom.
She inserted herself into our lives in some weird ways at times. She also felt that because her kids had the smallest sibling group, they deserved more of us being close to them. Ellen and Trina didn’t exactly mistreat us but I’m not sure they wanted the “other” kids around either.
But they had 7 and 5 kids respectively so who can really blame them.
It was rare for my dad would have all his kids under one roof. It did happen at times. But was very rare. He was never a very good dad because he was always more concerned with his desires than his kids.
I’m close to my siblings. I consider my siblings to be Jase, Cassie, and Robyn. I really don’t speak to anyone else anymore. Very rarely. My siblings are the same. We’re not close to either parent or anyone else.
So when Clara and I were figuring out our guest list I told her my siblings were the only ones I wanted at our wedding and they’re the only people we invited. Then mom found out via Robyn’s Instagram about my wedding and she told dad, he told his other families and there are a lot of angry people who found ways to contact me and told me I should have invited them.
Elizabeth was just as upset and angry as my parents were. My mom asked how I could get married without her when she was the consistent adult in my life. I told her she brought us into a mess and willingly exposed us to that mess our whole lives.
The messages got so annoying that I deleted a lot of social media. But the anger and frustration from them stuck with me a little and made me wonder AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Everything you say here is irrelevant except that you only want to invite your siblings.
It’s your wedding. You invite whomever you want. Those are the rules. I invited only my husband’s mum and stepfather to my wedding. Not a single person from my own family, no friends, none of his extended family. We agreed that was all we wanted. It was lovely, and nobody dared to complain to us because his mum made it clear that this was our preference, not to exclude anyone, but to have a small, intimate ceremony with only people we both knew well.” Reddit User
Another User Comments:
“People really go around purposely creating chaotic lives for their kids and are then shocked SHOCKED when these kids grow up and decide they want little to nothing to do with the mess they grew up in. NTJ OP and I don’t blame you.
Weddings are expensive enough, no need to add cost or ruin the vibes by inviting people you have no relationship with to it. Congratulations to you and your future Mrs., and a lifetime of peace.” Winter_Raisin_591
Another User Comments:
“I’m really happy you have a close relationship with those you consider siblings!
You’re absolutely NTJ. As many others here have said: your wedding, you should choose the ones you want to hold close and whom you will feel supported by. I could see it being a lot more awkward/debatable if you HAD grown up under the same roof with all of them and then cherry-picked them.
But sharing a sperm donor does not mean you need to have these people witness this important event in your life–or that you want to buy them an expensive dinner!” SnooHobbies5684
I just want to know how he afforded all those children?
15. AITJ For Refusing To Give Up More Space In My Inherited Home For My Brother's Partner And Her Kids?
“My father passed away in 2022 and left my brother (25m) and me (25f) our childhood home which is an 80s double wide.
It’s got 3 bedrooms, 1 full bath, one half bath.
Immediately after my father’s passing, my brother abandoned the house and went off chasing women while leaving me to pay for all utilities, taxes, repairs, etc, for the home while he went on substance-fueled benders. Fast forward a year, the brother is strung out on substances and ends up getting arrested.
I again, am still footing everything for this household because I live here, and have lived here for my entire life.
He gets out of jail, and within a month has moved his new partner into the house while I’m away at work. Not a single thing was mentioned to me, not a single thing was talked about.
Every time I try to bring up how I am not comfortable in my own home anymore because of her and her three kids, I get told I’m being selfish. That I don’t need the space that was rightfully left to me by my late father, and that I should shut up about it “not being fair.”
I have been quiet for a year, and I am at my wit’s end. I never signed up to live with his partner or her three sons. There was never a discussion had about them staying here at all, aside from me clearly stating that I did not want them to live here long term and that they needed to find a place for them all to live together.
My brother has tried his hardest to ignore my protests and act like I haven’t said anything.
I got home from work today and they have asked me today to clean out a room that I’ve been using for storage for over 4 years so that the third kid can use it.
So I guess I’m asking, would I be the jerk for refusing to shrink my space anymore for them when I never agreed to share my space with them to begin with? I understand I might be the jerk for being so adamant about standing my ground against this whole situation, which is why I’m here asking for more opinions.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but this is short-term thinking. You and your brother cannot and should not live together. So you need to discuss the following options:
- You sell the house together and both move out
- One of you buys the other out, and the seller moves out
- One of you agrees to move out, and the other pays rent
- You both move out and both collect rent
And one way or another, he needs to repay his share of the costs from the years you covered them alone. This is between you and your brother.
His partner should categorically not be part of any such discussion. Get a lawyer. Stat. Good luck.” embopbopbopdoowop
Another User Comments:
“Not the jerk. Your brother is the jerk. It isn’t even close. If you feel strongly about staying in the house and standing your ground, tell him you want them gone.
If the house is in both of your names then he has no right to bring others in against your will. If that fails, get a lawyer and prepare for war with your brother. It’s unfortunate, but he’s giving you no choice given how insanely bad he’s being.” ThemBones708
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk. He owns it too. That’s it. You both own the home. You are acting like because you moved in first it’s yours. It’s not. Clearly, brother should have spoken with you about moving in, especially with other people. As others have said you need to both sign off on a sale.
Speak with your brother about it and pray for the best. Assuming here, but I would bet he does not want to sell, and if you left the place it would get trashed and bills not paid.” Inbred-InBed
14. AITJ For Not Giving Up My Parking Space For My Neighbor's Business Clients?
“I live in a duplex converted garage/main house.
I am in the converted garage. We are both tenants. My neighbor, Susan, uses a portion of her house as a business. Our driveway has two parking spaces one for each unit per our lease. Susan parks on the street giving her parking space to her clients, and I utilize my space.
The entrance to the parking space is very small and on Susan’s side. So when she has clients come through, more often than not, they block the entire driveway, almost blocking the whole sidewalk. When this happens I knock on her door or text requesting her customers move forward.
I’ve been here since October and it hasn’t been an issue until recently.
She started the conversation with requesting I park on the street during her business hours so she doesn’t have to “police” her clients. Her business hours are 12 to 6, Monday-Saturday. I work 9 to 5 Monday through Friday.
I offered to park on the street Monday through Friday 9 to 5, but giving up one of my only days off is off the table. I also suggested signage. To tell her clients to pull forward. She wanted me to buy the sign and after getting her own sign.
She kept bringing up how it’s not working.
At this point I was over the whole situation and told her to stop bringing it up with me because it’s not my responsibility to tell her clients how to use her parking space properly.
So am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would take back the offer to street park. You are paying for that spot in your rent. Is she going to pay you for it? My old landlord had verbiage in the lease that I couldn’t have a “home business.” Tell her you tried to resolve and compromise, but that’s your space and you want to be able to use it.
Either she can keep her clients in line with their parking or you can bring this dispute to the landlord. Also, another threat/option is to tell her since they’re blocking you in and the sidewalk – they aren’t residents and you could have them towed.” Exciting-Peanut-1526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, you are being very accommodating. Are her clients by appointment? If so, how hard would it be to say something when they book or put something in the confirmation email that includes language like “You are welcome to park in the shared driveway, please pull all the way forward so my neighbors also have space to park.
I look forward to seeing you at your appointment.”” Geek-Magnet
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I run a home-based business (tax prep). Pre previous conditions, I had clients over often. I met them at the door and could often see where they parked. If I had seen someone block a neighbor’s driveway, I would have asked them to please re-park “so I can be a good neighbor.” If it was someone with mobility issues, I’d offer to move the car for them.
If her parking spot is out of view from the door, I’d make a practice of asking if “you parked forward enough so my neighbor can still get around you into her spot.” All of this would make her look more conscientious to her clients and likely help her business.
This is not hard for her to fix.” taxguycafr
13. AITJ For Laughing When My Husband Was Called Perfect?
“My husband was all smiles and encouraged when he told me that his friends at church told him they were talking about how he’s the perfect husband.
I immediately laughed and noticed that he was offended by that. I then started to tell him how I believe he is an amazing husband and I wouldn’t want to be married to anybody else but I know the good, bad, and ugly so perfect is not how I would describe you.
I could tell he was still not pleased.
I told him my reaction was the same way he laughs and thinks “if only you knew” when someone tells him that I must be an angel and they can’t see me getting upset because he sees me when I’m upset often.
I learned that he expected me to be happy for him and think that it’s awesome that his friends think so highly of him. Even when I challenged that I know him best as a husband because I’m married to him.
He told me his friends know him better because he tells them things he doesn’t tell me.
He also shared he didn’t think they literally meant perfect in the sense of having 0 flaws, but his interpretation was they thought him to be a high-quality, role model husband. When they gave him the compliment, he simply said thank you and said he wanted to ask them later about why they think that.”
Another User Comments:
“You can be “right” and still rude. I mean, of course the argument devolved into weird squabbling because it started with both of you digging in too much. He got a nice compliment and wanted to share. It’s really that simple. You made it not that simple by popping his satisfaction, then he made it even worse by saying stupid stuff out of his stupid mouth.
Honestly back all the way up, both of you. Lord have mercy. Is what you said true? That he’s not perfect. YES, because news flash, nobody is perfect. He knows that too! The question is not whether or not what you said is true… The question is why did you choose that moment to tell the truth in a way that would bring his mood down?
Of course it hurt his feelings.” Gourd_Gardian
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ… I would laugh at my friends or family if they ever said I was the perfect husband. So I get where you are coming from. That said, I would never ever laugh at my wife if she was told this and was proud of it.
You took a moment where your husband felt recognized for all his work and effort to be a good man and laughed at it. What a way to put your partner down instead of building them up. Next time he looks at a chore that needs done or an item that needs fixed and thinks to himself should I do it right now?
Will it make my wife happy and proud of me? Will it make me feel better about myself? Well… he’s not likely to say yes and do it. I get why in the moment hearing people called perfect is funny, but the people who are proud of those moments are often the ones struggling with insecurity.
You took a man who was insecure and found a way to feel better. Then you kicked him back down. So ya, you are the jerk.” Odd_Welcome7940
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. There were a million kinder ways to express that. You turned a compliment that made him feel good that his friends admire him into reminding him he’s not perfect by mocking their compliment with laughter.
You could have expressed it another way without being mean: “Nobody is perfect, but you’re perfect for ME.” Or “Nobody’s perfect, but you’re about as close as a husband could ever hope to get.” “You’re pretty great, that’s for sure. Also, I make sure to share nice things about you with our friends so they know what a good husband you are.” “Lucky me that I’m married to a man with such a positive reputation.” Laughing at a man, particularly your husband, is a blow to his ego.
He received a compliment that made him feel good; why did you feel the need to tear him down when he was feeling up?” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
12. AITJ For Insisting On Keeping Our Apartment After Breaking Up With My Partner?
“My partner (29F) and I (31M) have been together for a little less than 9 years. About 3 months ago we had a conversation about how much we’ve grown apart over our relationship and how we don’t really share any common interests anymore. Having had this conversation we decided that the best thing for us to do was to live together until our lease was up and then part ways as a couple, ending the relationship.
Things are extremely civil between us and we’re both on the same page.
Our landlord requires us to notify her of any changes in the lease in June (our lease is up at the end of September). This is context for later.
For the last few months, I have been talking to my partner about who is going to live in the apartment once the other leaves.
I was under the impression it would always be me since I make more money than she does and can afford it more easily. I would drop comments in conversation about making a decision and always got “I don’t want to talk about it right now” in response.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. My partner says she wants to keep the apartment instead of me. She states that it’s close to her storage unit and she can swing it if she gets a roommate. Okay. No problem. I start looking for comparable apartments in the area.
I’m not sweating it though because there’s plenty of time before our lease is up. And, worst comes to worst, I can move in with my parents for a few months as a cushion.
In the middle of looking one day, my partner comes to me and says she changed her mind.
I can have the apartment. I am happy of course and stop looking.
Then, after being away for a weekend with some friends my partner and I are laying in bed. It is 12:15 am the night before we were planning on texting the landlord to let her know what is going on.
At the end of a sentence, my partner asks “can I stay in the apartment?” I tell her of course, she’s welcome to stay as long as she needs to find a new place. She says, “no like can you move out and I stay?” I immediately look at her and shut this down.
She tells me that she “won’t change her mind again” and I tell her that’s not the issue here. The issue is that she has had months to figure this out and has flip-flopped back and forth multiple times within the last few weeks.
I continued to hold the boundary of no, I am staying. I texted the landlord the next day telling her as much and agreed to help my partner find a new place. AITJ here or just feeling guilty?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – She seems to be grieving the loss of your relationship and is indecisive on whether she can actually end things fully.
She doesn’t want to lose the security you two have created, and so she’s putting off the actual decision of ending things in an official “legal” capacity until the last minute. If this is the case, that’s pretty toxic and unhealthy. She is hypothetically dragging out the “divorce” when it would be much better for her to cleanly sever things and move on.
You are being clear and concise about what you want and how you want to move forward. The person who is indecisive and inconsiderate is usually the one who is the jerk. I would sit her down and ask her, “Is this really about who gets the apartment?
Or is it something else?”” Mogglen
Another User Comments:
“NTJ 1. She was flip-flopping which you accommodated as long as was reasonable 2. She did indeed have months to figure this out and her lack of planning is not your problem at this point 3. She probably figured you would just acquiesce 4.
Breaking up is tough and you’re just feeling guilty, doesn’t make you a jerk, just the opposite in fact.” ReviewOk929
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She was hoping that you would just let her have her way even if she was putting you in a tight spot.
The thing is, she thinks that she still gets partner consideration even though you guys have mutually agreed to break up. She had the opportunity and you were looking for a new place so she could stay like she wanted. Then she changed her mind and you stopped looking.
Time for her to start making decisions as a single person, not someone in a relationship with the assumption that she can lean on you when she can’t do it herself. Stand your ground.” SecureWrap9334
11. AITJ For Asking My Wife To Stop Asking About My Day At Work?
“I (M34) am a teacher at a private religious junior/senior high school, which you would think would mean better-behaved kids.
You would be very wrong. Seemingly every day for the past few months, we have had fights, substance confiscations, and inappropriate encounters between students to deal with. All of us, including the head of school, are fed up, burnt out, and counting down the days until summer break.
We might be more excited for break than the students!
My wife (F31) always asks me how my day is when I get home, we sit down, and have dinner, and then she goes to work the evening shift at her job. Lately, she has been getting sad and angry on my behalf from hearing about the treatment I get from students (and parents).
I’m glad that she is empathetic and compassionate, but I don’t want to ruin her good mood before she has to go to work, so yesterday I asked her to just stop asking how my day was so that it wouldn’t upset her.
Apparently, this was the wrong solution, because she went off hard about her responsibility to help me deal with tough days and give me support when I’m down.
She left for work early and didn’t say anything to me on her way out. I was already in bed when she got home, and let’s just say that there wasn’t any romance last night.
When I woke up to go to work this morning, I found a note on the counter that she must have left there last night telling me how hurt she was that I didn’t want to be open and honest with her and that she was taking tonight off work so we can “sit down and work it out.” We have had arguments and squabbles in the past (what couple hasn’t?) but this feels like a different level of fight.
First: Did I or did I not screw up?
Second: If I did screw up, how badly?”
Another User Comments:
“Your solution may be here: “Lately, she has been getting sad and angry on my behalf from hearing about the treatment I get from students (and parents).” Sounds like you are oversharing and venting everything.
The answer to “how was your day” can be as simple as “The usual. I’ll be glad when this year is over.” You could also tell her that you want to leave work behind when you leave work and want to use your home time to relax, recharge, and focus on the goodness of being home.
Ask for her help in doing that.” CatteNappe
Another User Comments:
“I’ve felt a similar position with my wife before. What helped her understand that I needed some distance from the work topic was that I just needed to “wind down” after work. That meant I wasn’t ready to talk about my work day, I just wanted to focus on what was next and what we were doing.
I want to say no jerks here because both of you have valid thoughts. Let her know that her presence and compassion alone help, but bringing up the day’s details wind you up. The whole ‘sometimes people just need to vent’ without feedback kinda thing.” SillyTatorThot
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. My husband is a teacher and I have a mentally taxing job. Some days we want to describe our days, sometimes we just say “the same as always.” I don’t think the solution is for you to never talk about your day.
You need to vent and process like anyone else, but you also get to control that. You may not want to send her to work in a bad mood, but her feelings are hers to deal with. If she was that concerned about how she’s feeling going into work, she wouldn’t ask how your day was.
You both sound like you care deeply about the others’ feelings. This isn’t a bad thing. But I think she may be seeing this as you don’t want to confide in and vent to her.” Sometimesitsamonkey
10. AITJ For Cheering Up My Disappointed Son With A Slurpee?
“My 8-year-old son had a class trip yesterday.
He was very excited in the days leading up to the trip mainly because of a specific attraction he was hoping to see. Unfortunately, the attraction is closed for renovations for the next couple of months, so he didn’t get to see it. Though there were other things he liked and enjoyed, he was still super disappointed. When he got home, I asked him how the trip was, and he told me how disappointed he was that the thing he was most looking forward to wasn’t available.
I felt sorry for him – that sucks! And it was a nice day and we live 3 blocks away from a 7-11, so I offered to take him for a Slurpee and he agreed. While it didn’t make up for everything, it made his day a little bit better, and I was happy I could do that with such a simple little gesture.
Well, my husband thinks I was wrong because kids need to learn how to manage disappointment and I didn’t give him that chance. I would agree if, say, I had taken him to Target and bought $100 worth of toys. Or, say, called the place and reamed them out for being disappointing.
But it’s just a Slurpee, it costs a little over $1 and is close to home, so not some big production. It is in no way proportional to the disappointment, it was just a small thing to uplift his day a little. My husband argues that in “the real world” you just have to******* up when disappointed, but I said that’s not entirely true, adults in “the real world” absolutely treat themselves to minor things when they have a rough day.
It wouldn’t be an excuse to run up the credit card, but it is not crazy or unusual to get oneself a Slurpee or a chocolate bar on a tough day.
Anyway, just wondering who’s right here? AITJ and did I handle the situation badly by getting my son a small treat because he was disappointed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your kid DID learn how to deal with disappointment. He did have to process his feelings about not seeing this attraction. And what your son learned is that he can always count on you to be an attentive ear when something is wrong in his life and that while you can’t fix the whole world for him, you will always try to make it better.
I think you did a good job.” IrrelevantManatee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. When my husband has a bad day, I like to pick up his favorite candy/drink on my way home for him. Not because he expects me to, but because I like to do nice things for people I care about.
In the “real world” your son will probably have several people throughout his life do small gestures for him (i.e. buying the Slurpee) when he has a bad day. You weren’t teaching him to expect gifts when he’s disappointed, you were making a small, sweet gesture for someone you care for.
If anything, you’re teaching your son that going out of your way to do something kind, even something as small as getting a Slurpee from the gas station, can mean a lot to people and is a nice thing to do.” sxrxhbender
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Let me get this straight. Son was sad, son came to terms with it and Mom made it a better day!! He’s upset you made your son happy? Weird but okay. Yes, you’re absolutely right because all adults treat themselves, me included so why should your son be an exception because dad wants to make this into a life lesson..?
At 8 years old? Jeez, he sounds like he has a screwed view of the world if he’s trying to teach a life lesson about disappointment to an 8-year-old. Let him have a childhood at least before your husband ruins him with his screwed vision of the world.
At least he has an amazing mother there for him no matter what. You are doing great mama so don’t stress about the little things.” Confident-Try20
9. AITJ For Not Supporting My Husband's Harsh Discipline Over A Fridge Lesson?
“While eating breakfast this morning my toddler requested string cheese. My husband (29m) was finished eating already so I (28f) asked him to grab it for her.
He insisted on making her learn how to open the fridge on her own to get the cheese.
The problem is, she’s 3. She can’t physically open our fridge, and honestly, I don’t want her to know because I can only imagine the destruction that’ll cause later. He asked her repeatedly to go to the fridge with him and she told him no. He continued escalating asking her until he was telling her he’d “put your rear end in timeout” if she didn’t listen and go learn how to open the fridge.
I told him to drop it, get the stupid cheese, and leave her alone.
He continued telling (I say yelling, but he disagrees) her that she’d go to timeout if she didn’t do what he said. She started crying, and I told him that it was enough, stop yelling at her, she doesn’t need to have this lesson right this second and she isn’t going to timeout over it.
He got angry and started screaming at me how it’ll be my fault she doesn’t listen when she’s older and how I’m making her into a brat by not “backing him up”. I told him punishments should fit bad behavior and this isn’t a bad behavior.
He’s not putting her in timeout over trivial stuff. He screamed at me that I ruined his Father’s Day and stormed off to go to sleep.
Our kid also isn’t a “bad” kid. She does what she’s told, picks up after herself, and so on.
We usually just have to threaten timeout one time when she’s misbehaving and she corrects her behavior. She is very very rarely ever “in trouble”.
So AITJ for ruining Father’s Day by not putting my toddler in timeout over opening the fridge?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but your husband appears to be the jerk. She’s THREE. What is wrong with him? Really sad for your child when a request for a piece of cheese results in a major battle with threats and shouting…and yes I believe he probably did raise his voice.
I’ll say it again – she is THREE!!! You and your husband need to take yourselves to a private place where your CHILD can’t hear you arguing – and settle this. Either that – or you need to attend parenting classes TOGETHER to get on the same page.” omeomi24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This kinda reminds me of the “Canned bean opening” story where this dad literally let his daughter go the whole day without eating because he refused to teach her how to use the can opener and wouldn’t open the can. She’s 3, if the lesson isn’t there it’s just simply not there.
It sounds like he wanted to be on a power trip over (checks notes) string cheese? Regardless of yelling, his tone suggests aggression by using swear words, especially in punishment. I hope his father’s day is just as good as his fathering.” T****************5
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and you need to take him aside in a quiet moment and have a hard conversation about how you parent, and what he needs to be a more peaceful and loving father. My co-parent had unrealistic, age-inappropriate expectations of our kids and yelled at them, and told me I was being permissive and a bad partner when I didn’t back him.
I didn’t have people around me who I trusted to believe me when my gut said this was abusive. I also was fearful of the emotional punishment I got for opposing. I wanted to be a good partner and co-parent because I thought these were important to being a good mother.
His behavior escalated over a few years into unmistakable mistreatment of the children, and when I couldn’t get him to address the issues with me I finally named it and left-carving out a place of greater safety for them-while friends who hadn’t witnessed it told me I should just have stayed married if I was that worried about housing security.
My six years of dithering and self-doubt and trying to be good were six years of trauma for my kids that blighted their childhood. Don’t be me, OP. Name the behavior for what it is, verbal and emotional mistreatment. Explain why: age-inappropriate expectations and punishments.
Offer a course of action: therapy and parenting support, with your help. And if he declines to grow into a better parent, do not wait to leave.” Amiedeslivres
8. AITJ For Wanting To Work Full Time After My Husband's Job Becomes Unstable?
“My (26 F) husband (27 M) and I have been married for two years. We have had discussions of having children in the future after we save up and possibly are more stable.
The plan would be that I would work most part-time so I could be home more with the kids since hubby has a very well-paying corporate salary position. But recently, he has been complaining more and more about the top-down structure, and how his bosses talk down to him and do not respect his boundaries, like not calling him on weekends.
I didn’t really think much of it, but recently during a meeting with his bosses, he was scolded for lack of communication and forgetting a meeting. He’s being placed on a Plan, which he either has to abide by and meet his metrics or be terminated. I’ve never been on one of those in my life, and always have strived for top performance, so this scares me.
It’s the first time this has happened. But I told him that I no longer feel comfortable not having a full-time job because if he doesn’t meet performance we’d need full-time income. He is now upset because that means: no kids. I would need to work.
He cried and got really hurt that I lost faith in him.”
Another User Comments:
“Oh, gee, your husband cried because you told him you were willing to step up and become fully employed and put a possible pregnancy on hold because he was on a “plan” and his job was at risk.
And you want to provide some financial stability in case he should lose his job and have to go find another one. I gather he wasn’t crying from gratitude that you wanted to step up, OP? He was, instead, crying in self-pity that his careful plans were at risk?
Well, it’s time for him to******* up and deal with it. NTJ. Know, OP, that a fully employed woman has options and a certain amount of freedom to make decisions for her own good.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“Trad wife trends aside, not working (outside of a surprise 7 figure inheritance or winning Powerball) has never been something I’ve considered or anything that my parents encouraged. My husband makes 4 times what I make and I make very decent money but I don’t care how many plans we make or how much we save we can’t out-plan life.
What if he gets sick and can’t work anymore? What if he dies? What if one day he decides to say screw you OP I’m out. Now I have no current job skills, and depending on age, limited prospects. My point is, I don’t see this as losing faith, but a sharp reminder that these jobs can screw you over in a heartbeat, and even if you are prepared, the ability to quickly rebound may not be there so he could be out of a job for a while and you would need to pick up the slack in the meantime.
NTJ OP. ” Winter_Raisin_591
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here your reaction is not only natural but common sense. I’m not saying no one makes it off a PIP and goes on to continue their career, but…at a lot of companies that’s the “we want to fire you and to make sure we don’t have trouble, we are going to do this documented process so we have our butts covered”.
But let’s say for argument’s sake that they are using it as a genuine opportunity to let him improve before they terminate. He was one step from gone and they won’t forget that. If layoffs come? He’s on the candidate list. If he applies for a promotion or a different role in the company?
They will see that he was on a PIP and it’s going to count against him. You do need stable employment for at least one of you, and he should be job searching. That said, don’t assume this means no kids. If he gets another job, why not?
Or if he takes a pay cut, It may just mean a different timeline or being choosy about a job that has good maternity time and then using a good daycare or nanny. That said, I think your delivery/timing here was probably the thing to improve as well.
When he was already down, I’m not sure that was the best time to hit him with “well guess we can’t have kids now because you can’t keep this job.”” SnooPets8873
7. AITJ For Refusing To Turn Down The TV While My Partner Naps In The Living Room?
“I live with my partner and we only have one TV which is in our living room. We went into town on Saturday then when we came back I put the tv on.
I was watching TV for around 30 minutes when my partner asked if I’d turn it right down or turn it off because she wanted to have a nap on the sofa.
I asked why she couldn’t nap in the bedroom and she just said she doesn’t want to.
She said she won’t be able to nap with the noise of the TV so I need to turn it down.
I pointed out she can’t expect me to be silent and just stop what I’m doing just because she’s decided she wants to nap in the living room.
I said she’s fine to nap here but she has to accept a level of noise.
She disagreed and said she isn’t asking for much but I said she is because she could clearly see I was watching TV. She accused me of not considering what she needs and said I was being selfish.
AITJ for refusing to turn the TV down/off?”
Another User Comments:
“”She accused me of not considering what she needs and said I was being selfish.” Pot…Kettle…Achromatic? Not the jerk. She’s accusing you of what she’s doing. Not considering your wants and needs.
You wanted to watch TV and she gave you grief for that. The issue here is that there is only one TV and I’m pretty sure it would be a pain in the backside to move elsewhere. The flip side is that there are multiple places for her to sleep and BOTH of your wants and needs could be accommodated if she was willing to bend.
You could watch TV and she could sleep. Not the jerk but it might be time to sit her down and have a discussion about this and the outcome of that discussion may cause you to consider your future with this woman. Not the jerk.” Random-widget
Another User Comments:
“NTJ because this is something I think everyone kinda knows – if you are using a common area for its intended purpose, you get priority over someone using it to sleep. Sleep goes in the bedroom. I regularly fall asleep on the couch and I regularly have my sleep interrupted by TV/video games/music.
This is a completely fair thing that should happen. While not required, it would not have been unreasonable to turn it down a little if it was loud. She’s your partner, that makes sense – but if she was expecting it to be too quiet for you to comfortably watch, again, priority goes to the person using the room for its intended purpose.” Kitastrophe8503
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for feeling like you shouldn’t have to give up TV for her couch nap. Obviously time for a TV in the bedroom, so you can watch TV there while she naps. Me? I would have been, like, sure. I’d have turned off the TV, picked up my keys, and headed to the local sports bar for a beer, chips or wings, and TV.
Probably called a friend or two to come hang. Yeah, I’m sure I’d have gotten grief for doing that, but thoughtless behavior doesn’t warrant thoughtful behavior. Broken-Druid
6. AITJ For Using Our Dead Parents To Persuade My Brother To Teach His Kids Urdu?
“I, 21M, have an older brother, Omar, 26M, who has a 2-year-old son, and another child on the way. Our parents were originally from Pakistan but moved to the UK long before we were born.
They taught us Urdu at home and we flew back to Pakistan often in our childhood. When I was 16, they died.
Omar ended up marrying his wife Lily, who is monolingual and more than a little embarrassed about it since most people in our family and even her friends speak at least 2.
So she decided she did not want her kids to learn Urdu since she couldn’t and she didn’t want to feel like more of an outsider. If you don’t know, Urdu can be a pretty difficult language to learn in adulthood, so she can’t speak it.
Omar was upset about this but eventually agreed. I’ve been talking to him recently and he said that while he does really want his children to learn, he just can’t bring himself to fight with Lily. We got into a bit of an argument, if he didn’t start as kids, then his children wouldn’t be able to learn it in adulthood, and would probably even have difficulty as teenagers.
I reminded him that he and I both used to make fun of the white-washed kids and did he really not want his kids to be able to communicate properly with half of the family?
He told me he knew all this, and he wanted them to learn, he was just scared of Lily’s reaction, I told him what he should really be scared of is our parents’ reaction.
They worked so hard to keep the culture and mother tongue going, how would they feel to know their grandkids wouldn’t be able to speak their language?
Omar looked like he was about to cry, which I’ve never seen him do, told me that was too far and walked off.
I know I messed up. I shouldn’t have said that. But Omar called me earlier today and told me he’d work on it. I’m still feeling really guilty, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Omar is being abused. That’s the upset. Deliberately separating a person from their culture is abuse.
It’s a power and control thing. Interesting twist: the wife openly admits this is a power thing. She doesn’t want to feel powerless in the face of her children doing better in life than she did. It’s also not true that adults can never learn a new language.
English is also really hard to get in adulthood, but loads of people do it. An adult might never speak without an accent, but they can certainly learn enough to follow a conversation. I’m terrible with languages. Seriously. Probably bottom 5% at learning them. I’m also a sped teacher who’s worked with plenty of kids who have been excused from learning a second language due to disability.
There is such a thing as people who seriously cannot learn a new language, but you’re not describing it. This idea that just being 18 years old means that you will not be able to learn is a myth. Generally, you need some pretty serious auditory processing disorder or intellectual disability.
But other than that, she could learn. She’s choosing not to. Her language is the dominant language. She doesn’t need Urdu to maintain her position in your society. To her, it’s not worth the effort it would take to end up speaking Urdu badly. But that’s on her.
She shouldn’t be punishing her children for her CHOICE to not learn.” Fabulous-Blue-804
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is so good for children to learn multiple languages while their brains can take it in, and they are so fortunate to have family who can teach them.
Language is deeply important to understanding the context of one’s culture. I think it was appropriate to mention your parents, though depending on how you did it, that could warrant an apology. It’s a valid concern but you seem to know it’s not good to weaponize something like that.
Going forward it would be more productive for you to focus on finding ways to support your brother talking to his wife in positive ways about this and giving her confidence to try to learn some. It may be difficult but it isn’t impossible, and she can at least work on learning some very basic things.
I don’t know if Lily is white but as a white person myself…. It is verrrrry uncomfortable for us to experience being the outsider/minority (for once) – and that is why it is all the more important that we *do* have those experiences. I sincerely hope the best for you all!” Sooty_Grouse
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not teaching them a mother tongue because egos is the worst. How is Lily gonna react when they get Spanish, French, German, or Chinese at school? Also, understanding more than one language eases up the learning of other languages, especially from English, since English has a lot fewer conjugation forms, not to start about gender formats (all is just the), does not differ between informal and formal forms in the language either (everybody is just you).
For example, French knows le and la nous (male and female), also tu and vous. Knowing this from another language helps learning other languages a lot, as you are familiar with this concept.” Pizza-love
5. AITJ For Telling My Husband To Stop Saying "We" When Discussing His Past Drinking Problems?
“So my (32f) husband (31m) has had issues with drinking and he’s thankfully been completely sober for 6 months now. We often have very frank conversations about things we have learned and experienced during the difficult times when he was in the thick of it.
In our early 20s, we used to drink together but I never felt like I had a drinking problem. I didn’t black out, most of the time I was the designated driver when we went out with friends and I really only got “intoxicated” one weekend a month.
Anytime I would ask for him to be the DD he would get intoxicated and we’d have to leave the car at the bar and pick it up the next day. So I stopped drinking years ago.
I’ve supported him in his struggles and through many relapses.
He’s doing much better and expresses that he has a new mindset and no desire to drink ever again. The problem is that when he talks about the things that happened he uses words like “we” used to get so carried away and “we” were so irresponsible.
“We” are not putting ourselves in danger anymore. I have asked him if he realizes that most of the time “he” would get intoxicated I stayed sober and that’s why I had such a problem with him drinking. He always says yes, he understands what he did.
But he continues to say things like “we” were getting intoxicated nearly every night of the week when “I” never did that. (I stopped going out with him and he kept going out to bars and parties almost every day, with people picking him up and dropping him off or calling me to pick him up because everyone was too intoxicated to drive.)
I’m getting increasingly offended and I feel like by saying “we” were heavy drinkers he is not understanding everything he put me through. At the same time, I wonder if he is saying “we” because he feels like we were in the struggle together?
I’ve asked for clarification and the most he says is “you were there too, so it’s a we problem.” Yes, I was there, but I was completely sober 99% of the time and for the past year and a half I didn’t even go out with him when he was drinking.
I told him this and he got very quiet and now he just seems sad. AITJ for what I said? Should I have just let him keep saying “we” and be happy he’s sober now?”
Another User Comments:
“Sometimes couples use “we” to refer to a shared struggle or experience, right?
So it’s like, “we’re pregnant” and things like that sometimes. This doesn’t seem like one of those times. If he’s saying “we struggled a lot back then,” then I think that’s ok. To me that reads as him recognizing the difficulty his actions put you through, whilst acknowledging his own struggle with booze – aka “we were both struggling.” I understand that. If he’s saying like “we used to drink a lot and stay out all night” then that’s more about him trying to avoid responsibility.
NTJ – but just tell him how it’s making you feel and see how it goes from there. He’s shown he’s capable of change and self-improvement by giving up drinking, and that is an ongoing journey not an overnight fix. It might be right now, it’s too much for him to accept the full responsibility of his actions, saying “we” is like a crutch.
But if it’s gone on long enough it’s upsetting you, it’s time to get rid of the crutch.” Weary_North9643
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He was probably trying to push some of the insecurity of his previous booze abuse onto you to feel less guilty and that he had someone to relate to.
He uses the term ‘we’ to project some of the guilt out as he sees it as a couple issue rather than his own. Definitely set clear boundaries with him on how it makes you feel invalidated for all the support you’ve clearly shown him.” Pale_Needleworker924
Another User Comments:
“6 months of sobriety is very early days. I’ve been around heavy drinkers for decades (grandfather, uncle, brother – none sober… whereas my husband has been sober 27 years, counsels and sponsors – so aa’s are around our house a lot, chatting). All the sober ones I know say the first 5 years are the hardest. Your husband’s just struggling with shame.
Make sure he keeps up his counseling and meetings…finds a good sponsor, etc. I personally found Al-non a bit too full of codependent craziness, but you might find some good people/meetings. Try to work out what is important and what you can shrug off, as all sorts of crazy stuff will be said while he processes it out.
Go to open meetings to listen to other aa’s sometimes…get the lay of the land etc. Best of luck!” [deleted]
4. AITJ For Asking My Sister To Call Before Visiting My House?
“I (25M) live really close to my sister (28) literally two roads away appx 2 miles. Well, the problem is she likes to just “show up” with her kids randomly, without texting or calling. I am a smoker which everyone in the family knows.
My issue here is one day the other week my friend and I were smoking on my porch and had beer laying out and BOOM here comes my sister flying down my driveway. No call or text. Well, when she arrived all happy I politely asked her to leave and come back when I could get everything cleaned up.
I don’t want children being around that. She told her friend and her kids that “He said we are not welcome here so let’s just leave” which I never said any of that so just left and the day went on.
Flash forward to this current week.
She and I both work at our family business. Well the other day she asked me how my new furniture was coming along, and I told her it was all put together and she can come see it sometime, just make sure to call or text to let me know when you’re stopping by.
She told me her family will never stop by my house again. After this, I blocked her because I am tired of being painted as the bad guy and I would rather not have stupid drama.
Should I have been nicer? Just overall confused on this.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were doing the right thing and being an adult about the situation. If anything, she should appreciate the fact that you were careful enough to not have her kids around the substances. You’ve made it clear that they can stop by your place if they wish to but with a heads-up to you.
Perfectly reasonable request. If she doesn’t want to visit anymore then that’s her choice. You don’t have to beg her for it. Want to visit? Sure! Don’t want to visit? Sure!” thatphotogurl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – actually a child’s health hero I’m so grateful you were looking out for their health and even wanting them to come back right after like dropping everything you’re doing to clean up so when they come in it’s safe.
Side note 1. I hate when bad parents ruin things for their kids cause the parent isn’t mature like I would’ve been heartbroken if my uncle out of the blue said “you’re not welcome here” (I know you didn’t say that but they didn’t hear you so all they heard was what their mom said) as well as cutting off contact so in their eyes it’s he doesn’t like us anymore and every passing day it’s not changing.
Side note 2. Another thing I hate is when parents don’t care about their child’s safety first but instead care about their own selfish matters (selfish as in wanting them to come in even if that means they see adult stuff and ingest smoke that their little lungs can’t handle all because she said so).” Littlearstylilly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Make her grow up before she comes back. I can’t with people who just show up repeatedly after I have asked them to call first. I ended a friendship over this and other boundary-stomping/controlling issues (surprise!). She showed up after I had told her to call first and when I answered the door and said in a flat tone, “I told you to call first.” She said, “I did.
You didn’t answer.” I replied, in a sarcastic exasperated tone “Aaaaand that means DON’T COME!” I was sick of her crap.
I have chronic migraines and in the past multiple times, she’d let herself into my backyard while I was resting because I didn’t answer the door, singing/yelling my name with” hello!”
She brought her adorable little dog over after I told her absolutely not to because we had just adopted a 4-year-old untrained aggressive German Shepherd that would take time to train and I was scared of what she would do to the little guy.
Then she bullied me into attending her 2nd wedding (to the same guy) when it was on the one night she knew I had a commitment (my partner was counting on me to drive for a paying gig) and couldn’t attend.
Then the last thing happened with her posting crap and when I asked specific clarifying questions, she sidestepped answering them and went into posturing/save face mode to make sure she looked good to her friends on there, gaslighting me on a public platform. That was it.
I was done. I think she’s got too many narcissistic tendencies to deal with.” stargazer0045
3. AITJ For Being Upset That My Cousin Scheduled Her Wedding On My Graduation Day?
“So my cousin recently got engaged, and her wedding is scheduled for August. She came over to my house to flaunt her engagement to my mom, which was a bit off since she never visits us when she’s in town.
Before they set the date, I specifically asked her and her fiance not to have the wedding on the day of my graduation. I’m graduating with a bachelor’s degree in veterinary and biomedical science and I’m the first in my family to be on the path to becoming a doctor.
Despite my request, I found out from other family members that she planned her wedding for the same day anyway. She’s even told people that “I didn’t have a graduation, so what huge deal is it really?” and that her wedding is more important than my achievement.
This really hurt me, and I expressed my frustration to my family. However, they think I’m making a huge deal out of it and said that graduations aren’t as important as people make them seem.
To add to the frustration, these are the same family members who joke about getting free veterinary advice when I finally enter my profession.
It feels like they’re dismissing my hard work and achievements while still expecting to benefit from it in the future. This also comes from YEARS of being treated differently than my cousins and this made me rethink if I ever want to be in a family setting ever again.
I feel like my hard work and achievement are being completely overlooked, and I’m really upset. Am I overreacting here, or do I have a right to be mad about this?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I think arguments can be made for either event: you are graduating regardless, so why is the ceremony important?
Is getting married on that specific day absolutely necessary? Probably not. But I definitely don’t think your graduation should be undermined like it is. It is a great accomplishment. Also, just curious, is this summer your final semester? I’ve never heard of a graduation in August.” Certain_Passion1630
Another User Comments:
“Nope, they aren’t real family. They are just jerks who you happen to share DNA with. Make note of who comes to your graduation. That is who your real family is. In a few years, when she gets her starter divorce and you are a DR. Either have a party on that the wedding date or divorce date to be pettier.
And when the rest of them jerks ask for stuff say no they chose their family.” Abject-Donut5152
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You should read up on how some families (usually nuclear families but sometimes extending to cousins) get into the really bad habit of having a Golden Child and a Scapegoat.
The Golden Child is always favored in situations, activities, choices; the Scapegoat ignored, dismissed as not important. Or worse, forced into doing all the chores and always blamed for problems while the Golden is pampered. This sometimes happens because the Golden child has a crisis, and the family overcompensates by always giving extra love and favors – but it can also be due to birth order, gender, hair color, sociable versus introvert, or no reason discernable to an outsider.
Once this dynamic is set, it is almost impossible to change. Walking away from family is often the Scapegoat’s best choice to building a happy life – no one wants to be treated badly over and over!” bkwormtricia
2. AITJ For Considering Accepting A House Bequeathed To Me Over My Friend's Estranged Children?
“I (33M) have recently been bequeathed a house near Austin, Texas, by a much older friend (M67) of mine. This surprised me more than a little since, while we always got along famously (we share multiple interests and go to the same church), I didn’t think we were THAT close and was expecting all of his key assets to go to his wife and adult children.
My friend was from the US and has three adult children and a spouse. His youngest daughter (19F) and spouse (50s), based in Thailand, are already beneficiaries of his main assets, mainly financial investments worth slightly over USD 10 million held in trust, of which my father and I are trustees.
He, however, has left his two adult children, a son (35M) and daughter (approx 30F) by previous marriage only token bequeathments.
These two older children are very unhappy about the situation and do not accept the will. While I knew that my friend had estranged adult children (something about political and lifestyle differences, I do not know the details) from a previous marriage, I have never seen the elder two children, either visiting my friend at his retirement residence in Thailand or our two joint holiday in the US.
The financial health of the two siblings seems to be rather bad; neither of them owns a house yet, and the younger daughter also has a certain amount of debt. I do sympathize with their situation; to bequeath a house to a friend over the head of one’s children (even estranged ones) would be seen as extraordinary here in Thailand.
I am considering the following options:
1. Accept the house as bequeathed to me by my friend, and either sell it or rent it out.
2. Decline the bequeathment in favor of my friend’s adult children.
3. Accept the house, but sell the property and donate the proceeds minus tax and fees to charities which would have been approved by my friend (our mutual church, Red Cross, etc).
His Thailand-based wife and daughter had already indicated they consent to me taking any of the above choices.
Additional information:
A consultation with a US-based law firm is of the opinion that we have basically zero chance of losing this case if it comes to court, as the will was witnessed by several of my friend’s ex-colleagues of good repute, and retained a lucid (I would say brilliant) mind right up to his death.
The house is located in an Austin suburb and is worth approximately USD 1,800,000
My financial position is reasonably well off, though to be very blunt accepting a USD 2 million house will add more than a few percent to my net wealth also.
His first wife (the mother of the adult children) passed away over 20 years ago.
To their discredit, the two older siblings did not visit my friend during his (admittedly rather short) illness. They were not present at the funeral.”
Another User Comments:
“Am I correct that this will be your third home, in addition to the home you already own and your “change of scenery” home?
I mean, leaving an already well-off friend even more wealth and assets they don’t need, while completely snubbing and abandoning his own struggling children because they belong to a different political party and are (I’m assuming based on your “lifestyle choices” comment) gay, sounds right on par with the “Christians” of today.
So, while you’re NTJ (you didn’t force this inheritance out of anyone), your friend absolutely was.” prairiemountainzen
Another User Comments:
“”To their discredit, the two older siblings did not visit my friend during his (admittedly rather short) illness. They were not present at the funeral.” You stated they are not financially well.
That should not be held against them if they have to travel internationally for a funeral. Travel to Thailand from the US is expensive and you have to take time from work and make other arrangements to do it, if you can afford it. It could still take 3 or 4 days to get to a place with the arrangements in place.
I’m single with a job and very little debt. I’m not going to afford a trip to Thailand anytime soon. regardless, NTJ.” thehackerforchan
Another User Comments:
“INFO: What were those political and lifestyle differences? If you honor your friend’s will, you honor and complete his last wishes.
This means, for example, that if he chose not to leave his house to his children because they’re gay (for example) then accepting the house means that you are taking the house away from them because they’re gay. On the other hand, if his reason not to leave the house to them was not evil, then you’re good.
I would personally say that you’re okay if it’s a petty reason: it was his house, after all. However, if you honor your friend’s bigotry, you share in it and perpetuate it.” Certain_Detective_84
1. AITJ For Tutoring My Sister's Bully Despite Her Disapproval?
“I am now a Sophomore in college, when I was a Junior in high school I started tutoring people in math and coding.
It is my main source of income and I will go to the local library for most sessions.
I have a few people who I tutor but the problem is a girl named Ava (16). Ava will be a junior next year and is in summer school at the moment.
She failed her math course and is retaking it. Her parents reached out and hired me to tutor her.
Ava bullied my sister (17) in middle school. It hasn’t been an issue while they have been in high school to my knowledge. Today my sister told me I have to stop tutoring her.
That she doesn’t like that I am helping her with math and I need to drop her as a client. I told her no and this started an argument. She thinks I am being cruel and I told her that it is just a job and I am not friends with her.
I literally sit with them and do math problems.
My mom and dad are split on this issue, my mom thinks my sister has a point and my dad thinks it is extremely controlling of my sister to mess with my job.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Sorry, while I get the choice on a professional level, to me family always comes first. If someone went around bullying my sister I would do my best to not have any sort of relationship with said bully. If you want to continue with this bully, that’s fine.
It’s your choice. However, it’s a two-way street. If you aren’t going to side with your sister and choose the job with the bully over your sister’s needs then you can’t be upset later on if your sister sides with someone you don’t like and ignores your needs.
As long as you are aware that this may damage your relationship with your sister, then do what you will.” Disneylover-4837
Another User Comments:
“I’m not going to give a judgment, as I couldn’t be objective. But as someone who was bullied for more or less the same age range, I can tell you that if one of my relatives had started doing anything with/for them, paid or not, I would have hated them for it.
As in full-on leave the room on sight, borderline dead to me hate them. That kid hasn’t bullied me for 25 years, I haven’t seen him in more than 20. He literally lives on the other side of the planet now. But I still detest him and his cronies because they made my life such a living nightmare that I can barely remember huge swaths of my childhood other than vague recollections of fear and sadness.
You might see it as just a paying customer, but you’re not obligated to take her as a customer, and your sister is seeing that you’re with the person who made her miserable. You’re never going to logic her out of that. You have two options – keep her as a customer and accept that there is a good chance that, at least in the short term, this will likely affect your relationship with your sister, or drop her as a client.
Only you can decide if your relationship with your sister is worth more to you than the money from this one specific customer.” axw3555
Another User Comments:
“I think that the fact of this situation that you seem to be missing is that you chose to form a positive relationship with someone who hurt your sister.
The thing is you can tutor whoever you want but you have to accept the consequences of who you choose to associate with. Yes, this is technically a business relationship but it is one you chose. You have the type of job where you can choose your clients so you have chosen to form a positive relationship with someone who hurt a member of your family repeatedly and if she hasn’t apologized without remorse.
If you worked as a cashier at a store that bully happened to go to it would be different. You have no control over who enters a random store. You do have control over who you tutor. If I were your sister I would assume that you value a bit of money you could get from someone other than my bully over your relationship with me.
If you don’t mind straining or losing your relationship with your sister then you can continue to tutor this girl. In the end, it’s your choice. YTJ.” Next-Storm-8091
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