People Get Teary-Eyed In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Declining My Colleague's Expensive Outings Despite Her Offer To Pay?
“I (F30) am currently studying for a PhD. This means that even though I get paid through a scholarship and through several small projects that I am working on, I am under a student budget.
I have a colleague (F35ish) who is always asking everyone in our program to go out.
So far, during May and June, she has invited us to 3 lunches, the theatre, and a museum expo. These outings are usually on weekdays and at quite expensive places. She makes the invite weeks in advance and reaches out via WhatsApp, and mail and asks in person.
I have rejected all invites except for one lunch. I try to be very mindful of my budget and I try to be very strict with my schedule during weekdays because given that no one is supervising how much I advance with my research, it’s easy to postpone it and not move on with my stuff.
Also, during the weekends I try to spend time with my husband, and given that I see my colleagues all day during the week, I don’t want to spend a lot of extra time with them during the weekend. So the reason why I reject my colleague’s invitation is due to (1) money (2) time (3) other priorities.
This colleague recently invited me and a group of friends to another lunch at a very fancy restaurant. I told her that I couldn’t attend because I was minding my budget and thanked her for the invite. She then told me not to worry, that she could pay my bill so I could go.
This is where I might be the jerk. I told her that I didn’t feel comfortable having a friend pay for my lunch at such a fancy and costly place. I thanked her again but said I couldn’t make it to the lunch.
She told me that she feels rejected because every time she makes plans with the group I say no. I pointed out that I am already going to one lunch this month, and said that I’m happy to chat over lunch at the kitchen in our workplace any day (I meal prep so I bring my food), but that going out that often is not an option for me.
She pointed out how I sometimes buy coffee instead of using the coffee maker in the center, so I’m not really saving money and therefore it must be that I don’t want to spend time with her. I said that I sometimes get tired of having the same coffee and I get specialty coffees, and that I don’t need to give any explanations about why I decide to spend money on coffee and not lunch.
She didn’t say anything else but I could tell that she was very angry. My husband said that I should just go since she would be paying, so now I’m doubting if I’m exaggerating. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, I do the same.
– It disrupts my day. I know it sounds stupid to some people, but I hate taking too much time away from my normal plans. – I don’t feel comfortable having others pay because then I feel I owe them a favor or future meal even if they insist it isn’t the case.
– I like the food I make for myself. In your case, you have made it clear that you would like to have lunch together in your work kitchen. It isn’t about not wanting to spend time in their company.” Russvert
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You have legitimate reasons for not attending, and you’ve handled the situation thoughtfully and respectfully.
It’s important to stay true to your values and comfort levels. If your friend values your company, she will understand your position and appreciate the alternative ways to spend time together that you’ve suggested.” User
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. How you spend your money and time is none of your coworker’s business.
In the future, I wouldn’t even justify your response or discuss/entertain her questions – “No” is a complete sentence. As you know, every vacation, weekend off, short day, lunch out, etc. is just delaying you from finishing your thesis and that’s in the best-case scenario where your advisor isn’t a control freak or keeps moving the goalposts (ask me how I know).
Keep your head down and get out of your indentured servitude ASAP.” C_Majuscula
19. AITJ For Suspecting My BIL's Partner Lied About Her Father's Death?
“My BIL (40s Male), has had several tumultuous relationships over the 20+ years I have known him. All were verbally abusive, some physical. His most recent partner had promise, but over time has proven herself to be a pathological liar- or half-truth teller.
For example- when they became serious- she told us that she was moving in within a week. A day after the news, we asked what would happen with her 16-year-old daughter who still resided in her home and a a different school district. She said- I just renewed the lease on our apartment so she can finish out her senior year.
After that- she never moved in. These are the types of white lies that have been frequent over 2 years. In Feb of this year, my BIL split (one of many breakup instances) with this woman and it was a very nasty breakup. The week after they ended their relationship, she reached out to a family member and told them “My father lost his battle with cancer”.
We assumed that meant he had passed away and some family sent direct condolences- which were met with hostile responses.
Due to her response, I decided not to reach out to her to express condolences, but rather find the obituary and send condolences/donations if included in the obit info.
I couldn’t find anything. I searched obituaries, local funeral home obits, and social media. Nothing from her or any close family member. I started to wonder if she intended to elicit sympathy and keep a door open for future reconciliation by sharing this news. A way to justify her nasty behavior and comments to our family during their breakup.
I shared my suspicions with some family members to make sure no one was being manipulated, if true. I continued to search and still nothing. Aside from hiring a PI to confirm- I’m at a standstill. I do have posts from social media after the date where she claimed he had lost his battle- that goes against her claim.
But it’s not a slam dunk. Now, they have reconciled. And it has been a running narrative that I am the lowest of the low for claiming she was lying- the death of a loved one is not something people take lightly. I know personally because I lost my father unexpectedly in 2022- it was devastating.
I couldn’t just stand by while I thought there was a possibility that someone was manipulating others by sharing that their father had passed when he hadn’t. There is still, 4 months later, no confirmation one way or the other. In the meantime- they have continued attacking my character and causing family feuds.
I just want it to stop- but with the truth revealed. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for getting way too involved. This is your BIL’s SO you’re talking about? Why are you this involved? You should consider that it’s your BIL who is the common denominator in his 20+ years of tumultuous relationships.
Perhaps he attracts bad apples. Regardless, considering hiring a PI? What?! You shouldn’t have been doing ANYTHING but observing this situation play out. You didn’t need to make any accusations, you didn’t need to investigate. Even if you had doubts about the accuracy of her claim, you could have shared those with him only.
Once they broke up, no one in the family should be talking to her (certainly at least, once she responded with hostility you all could have just clammed up). She does sound hostile but she’s certainly effectively baiting you into unnecessary drama. Back away and shut up about it already.” owls_and_cardinals
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here You for being overly involved in a situation that doesn’t matter a thing to you. SIL for her just being her with her manipulative ways. At the end of the day, death is her story and she can tell it any way she wants to.
If it’s bogus, others will find out but she doesn’t need you obsessing about it.” many_hobbies_gal
18. AITJ For Not Setting Aside BBQ Food For A Coworker Without Being Asked?
“The company I work for does biweekly barbecues in the summer months, this will be my 4th summer doing them and I made some changes from the lady I took over for.
One of them was setting aside food for our weekend security guy. He comes in a couple of hours after the barbecue ends, so I’ll make him a plate of food, cover it, and put it in the fridge.
We have a couple of people in our office who are field workers but come to the office almost daily to check in and talk with their departments.
And then we have a couple of people who work majority in the office, that sometimes go out into the field
After their manager noticed I was setting aside food for our security guy, they asked me to start setting aside food for the two field workers.
Now, a lot of the time I’d do this and they’d show up on time for the BBQ and I’d have this food wrapped up with no one to give it to (I’m not standing out there with them so I only hear after the fact they’ve been there so I can’t run them out their plate of food) so this summer I’m only making plates of food for our field workers if I’m asked by their manager to do so.
I wasn’t asked today I was told he thought they’d all be back on time, Including one of the office staff that happened to be in the field today. So I just made the one plate up for our security guy and went back to my daily duties.
The other office ladies took over the outside portion so that I could get my work done, and one of them came in to make a plate for the normal field worker. I had no idea that one of our office staff was in the field today and that she wasn’t going to be back on time.
I was not asked to make a plate for her, and neither was my coworker.
So she came back about an hour and a half after the BBQ was over and asked if a plate was set aside for her. I said no. She asked if her manager had set one aside, and I said no. She was kind of looking at our security guy’s plate, and making comments about it and how she was “out of luck” I assume she wanted me to offer her the plate.
Anyway, about 5 minutes before our security guy came in, her manager came over and I could hear him picking the plate up I’m assuming he thought that plate was for her, which was why he didn’t ask for one to be made. I’m also assuming he came up to the kitchen because she was back there complaining about it.
I understand the terrible feeling of being left out, but I’m not going to give away another employee’s food because of poor planning another person’s fault.
It honestly makes me not want to set aside food for ANYONE. And if this is escalated in any way to our boss/owner, I’m going to say just that.
It sucks that my act of kindness to our security guy would end, but like… where does it stop then?”
Another User Comments:
“Wait who are you? Sounds like the manager should have this settled and know where his guys are. This once happened to me and I bought the staff person who missed out on dinner. Giving away one employee.
food to another is a red flag of a bad manager. Honestly, just me but I would get rid of the whole cookout altogether, employees want extra time off over food anyway. NTJ” Secure_Bedroom6088
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. My old office used to do a monthly lunch thing and also offer perks like exercise classes multiple times a week.
You got them if you were in the office. It’s not your job to set aside plates for people you barely know who miss the BBQ. It’s a kind gesture to your security guard, who is in the office when everyone else is gone.” ruby thieves
17. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move Across The Country For My Partner?
“My partner of 7 months “recently” went to visit his sisters in Glendale, California. He had recently been let go from his job before he went and only purchased a 1-way ticket there. He has no money to come home now as he burnt through all of his tax refunds over the 2 and a half months he’s been there and he now wants me to move out there with him.
I live in NJ (aka the other side of the country!) and I would love to move out there but I’ve explained to him that 1.) I live in a condo with my sister and we have many bills I couldn’t just up and leave and leave her behind with all the bills as we currently split them 50/50.
2.)
We have two cats that I couldn’t leave behind, I would be fine with bringing them but they are brothers and have been together their whole lives and one is my sister one is mine so I can’t just take both with me and move away from both of them completely isn’t an option for me 3.) I just got a good new job here even though he claims he can find me a job out there.
4.) He keeps telling me to “save my money for a few months and then move there” when I barely have money left over at the end of the month for myself after bills let alone saving for anything.. on top of owing my parents money and just having spent a fortune on unexpected vet bills.
5.) He just got his first DUI out there and now has to stay even longer when again he was only supposed to be out there for 2 weeks in the first place and he hasn’t even gone to court for that yet which could end up being even longer by the end of it if he has to reappear in court after the first hearing or has to take driving classes.
I love him but he acts like I’m so selfish for not wanting to drop everything and move out there with him when I’ve explained all these reasons to him, it makes sense for him to live there as he had nothing here he lost his job was living with his father and has a few friends but no family apart from his father here.
Please tell me am I the jerk for being comfortable here and not wanting to up and move across the country just because he got comfortable there as he’s now pulling the “if you love me and want to be with me you’d do this” card on me now.
When I mention this stuff to him on the phone I get upset and all he seems to be able to come up with is “Why are you yelling “and “Why are you being aggressive” instead of addressing the points at hand.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – I would have ended the relationship after the first month. He blows through all of his money and then tells you to save. Then he goes and gets a DUI. I’m from Southern California and a friend of mine just got her first DUI last year.
It’s going to cost him about $2500 minimum and lots of time. The good thing is that $2500 can be paid over time. He’s done, OP. If you move out here, you will be the one supporting him. How come he hasn’t got a job yet and then flips the coin and says “Oh, but you can get a job no problem”.
No, you can’t. Again, I live here and it’s not impossible but the kind of job you’re looking for isn’t easy. Very competitive. There is nothing out here for you. Focus on getting your life together where you are and keep those kitties (cat tax needed) healthy.” slap-a-frap
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Any time that someone uses the quote “if you love me you’ll do X” is trying to manipulate you into something. As much as the first thing people say is to end the dead weight, honey – end the dead weight and enjoy your life where you have it – a good job, stable housing, etc. If you go – the partner will continue to manipulate you into something.
You’re better off without him.” toosheeptheorist
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Girl run. Here’s what’s gonna happen you’re gonna move over, and pay for the expensive apartment. Mostly on your own. Who knows how long it’ll take him to get a job, especially with the DUI?
Or you to get a job. He’ll keep drinking and blowing money won’t help you. Then you’ll run out of money and when you guys break up, you’ll be stuck in LA while he has family to fall back on and you don’t cause they’re in NJ.
You move back to NJ and have to start all over with your job and apartment life. ” xHey_All_You_Peoplex
16. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Grandma's Wake To Attend My Partner's Graduation?
“I (f22) just lost my grandma yesterday, it’s been very hard on me and my family but we all can look at it in a positive light.
I made my peace with the matter months ago, she hadn’t been doing well. I am happy with the time I spent with her and have no regrets about our relationship.
My family is extremely tight-knit and my grandparents were like second parents to me.
When I lost my grandpa at 16, I kind of grew up and became an emotional support for the family, especially my mother, which I recognize might not be the most healthy. I’m working that through with my therapist.
So yesterday I got the news, and my family made the wake and funeral plans while I was waiting to get coverage to leave work.
They told me when I got home that the wake was scheduled for this Tuesday, at a time that conflicts with my partner’s nursing school graduation. I said no worries, I will stay at the wake for as long as I can (about 2 of the 4 hours it is scheduled to run) and then leave for the ceremony.
This means I will have been there to grieve with my family from the time I left work Thursday until the funeral brunch this coming Wednesday (I canceled all my shifts until then), saving two hours of the wake and the night afterward. I got the impression yesterday that that was fine with everyone.
For context, I’m living at home after graduating college. My partner (m23) and I have been together for almost three years, we plan on moving in together in a year or two and intend to spend our lives together.
This morning I woke up to go talk to my mom, and she said that she thought I should stay for the whole wake and leave afterward to make dinner after my partner’s ceremony.
The reasons she cited were to think of my little cousin (f17) (who I’m very close with and supported through her very recent first breakup) and to think of my middle or high school friends coming and me not being there. I just couldn’t think of anything to say so I said I’d think about it, she said “Well I’ve said my piece” and I walked out.
So far I still want to go. My partner said he wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t come, but I realized that wouldn’t change my decision at all and that I wanted to be there for him regardless. We have become a part of each other’s families and part of that for me is splitting my dedication to my family and him, even if that means making a sacrifice.
Later my mom could sense I was out of it, and when I said I still wanted to go she just sighed and walked away. My aunt started saying the same things my mom said, and then finally said “And your mom needs you too.” I said to them “If it was (f17 cousin)’s prom night, would you ask her not to go?” and my mom said “That is a family matter, (bf) isn’t family.
The day is for the family to be together and grieve, and you have to think of Grandma.” My mom is not the “you have to do what I say when you live under my roof” type at all, but I’m worried about creating a significant rift between my mom and my aunt.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Emotions are really strong right now for everyone, particularly your mom if this is HER mom who has passed. I can understand that she would feel better if you were there for the entire 4 hours. The added comment of “you have to think of grandma” doesn’t make sense, either.
This may be something that she will feel hurt about for a while if you do leave, but I think it’s reasonable for you to do so. Your partner is part of your family now, at least to you, so being there for his graduation is of course important to you.
Especially with all the time you will be spending with family aside from those 2 hours, I think you’re just fine to go.” Own_Lack_4526
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and I am so sorry for your loss. It seems like you’ve reached the best compromise you could.
That said, I would give your family some grace if things are otherwise generally OK between you. Grief is hard, and grieving people don’t always have the best judgment. Perhaps bring a nice bouquet or something else that would be meaningful for the wake.” SteelEyesMagee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, bordering on No jerks here, because of the difficult context for everyone involved. They made the plans without asking you, and it makes sense that your partner’s graduation would be important to you. I’m curious: what do you think your grandma would say?
I suspect from your description that she would probably want you to live your life and go to your partner’s graduation, but either way, he’s an important person in your life, and it’s an important moment in his life.” ZoroasterScandinova
15. AITJ For Not Participating In Activities On Vacation Due To Illness?
“I (21f) was on a trip with my partner’s(23m) family.
We live in Australia and we set off to go to Fiji. But before we flew to Fiji, we had to fly to Sydney and stay there for a day.
Before we left for the airport my partner wanted to share my suitcase (and of course, he told me at the very last minute).
Because of this, he took out some of the stuff I packed including the only jacket I packed, as he kept arguing about why I’d need a jacket. And also prior his brother’s partner was just recovering from a cold. (What does this have to do with anything, well these are just small details to what I think kind of lead to it, could not idk)
We land in Sydney and it’s pouring down rain. And even though it was summer at the time, the weather was definitely around 15 degrees C. And coming from Melbourne it’s considered very cold for us. All I had were short-sleeved shirts and shorts.
The next day we arrived in Fiji we slowly settled in and stayed on a separate island from the mainland, meaning we were away from stores that.
We relaxed the first day, yet sooner or later I noticed my throat was starting to get a bit irritated. I thought it would just be a sore throat, luckily the partner had throat lozenges, so it’ll be over quickly. Oh was I wrong.
The next day I woke up with a full-on fever.
Not only was my throat sore. My nose was constantly dripping, I was coughing continuously, and I was nothing but nauseous. I didn’t know if I had a severe illness or not, cause I didn’t have access to any test. But PHYSICALLY I couldn’t cope to do anything.
At first, my partner was feeling bad for me. I told him to not let my being sick get in the way of doing activities (like snorkeling or jet skiing, basket making, etc). And soon my partner’s mum eventually got sick and eventually so did his dad.
I would occasionally come out of the hut that we were staying in, to eat or just to socialize with his family cause I would get lonely. But I still felt so bad inside, and I’d feel so sad. My partner’s family was very understanding through this as they were trying to get pharmaceuticals, to help me feel better.
After days of feeling miserable, there was one night, after dinner when the hosts wanted to play some games. And the games they were playing required a lot of physical movement (running around mostly). Although it looked fun, I was too weak to participate. However, my partner kept pushing me to do it, which I frustratedly had to explain many times that I couldn’t.
I didn’t do it. I was watching my partner, his siblings, and other families play the games. I was happy cause it was fun to watch.
As the night was ending, and we went into our hut, my partner had a full-on fit and was yelling at me about how I was ruining our vacation, saying I should be grateful that his family took me on their vacation, blaming me for being sick and to just enjoy my first time out of the country.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, how you got sick is irrelevant, yelling at someone because they got sick and were incapable of doing something is BS. And if you ever have kids, will he be mad at you for the things you can’t do while pregnant?
Or have any other sort of major health complication? Nah this isn’t how you treat someone you care about, especially not when they’re already suffering from sickness.” Savvy790
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! How is the family showing you more empathy than the partner?! Then he yells at you?
How’s that going to improve your health or mood? He seems extremely immature. Stuff happens, it’s no one’s fault. And you’re not stopping him from having a good time. He should NOT be treating you this way.” Desperate_Age6592
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The entire situation sounds stressful and horrible, and your partner compounded that by acting like you had gotten sick on purpose somehow. Since it’s no longer summer in Australia, it seems like you have been dwelling on this for some time. It makes me wonder what your relationship is like from day today and whether your partner is regularly inconsiderate of you as a person and of your feelings.
I would not stay with someone who treated me that way without considerable apology and proven changed behavior.” EclecticSpree
14. AITJ For Confronting My Friend After She Uninvited Me From Her Wedding?
“I (23 F) have this friend, Ann (23 F) that I’ve known since freshman year of high school. After graduating, we lost contact for a year due to moving cities before reconnecting again at a job. We agreed to move in together and a few months later, her partner (now fiancé) moved in as well because he needed a place.
Since both our names were on the lease, they needed my approval for the landlord to allow it, and even though I hadn’t met him, I agreed. I even helped him find a new job.
Fast-forward a year later and the partner got a promotion in a different city, the original plan was for me to move with them because, again, rent was high and I had nowhere else to go.
Well, right as we were applying for rental houses, Ann changed the agreement at the last minute stating that they would only let me stay with them for a year before I’d have to move out after I asked how the lease was going to go.
I wasn’t planning on living with them forever, but with the short time frame, I wouldn’t be able to save up enough to get my place in a city I’ve never been to with an even higher cost of living. He was not aware of this change until I texted them in our group chat about declining to move because of the short period.
I was upset at the sudden change of plans, only because this was three months before our lease was up, but I found a different apartment with the help of a friend’s family who would lease one of their properties to me to keep me off the streets.
This whole time, they were planning their wedding and asked if I would be a bridesmaid. Of course, I agreed. I had known Ann for almost eight years and was becoming decent friends with the future groom. After I moved, Ann made a social media post about the wedding date being changed to this November instead of next year.
Feeling confused, I messaged her about it so I could go buy a bridesmaid dress. Ann just says she isn’t doing a bridal party anymore, but I would still be invited. Two weeks ago, Ann posted, once again, on social media and announced that invites were sent out and that we’d get them by the end of that week.
That only fifty people could be invited and there was no reason for someone not to be invited besides not having the space.
I still haven’t gotten the invite she had said I would get. I understand that it’s her wedding, but both she and her now fiancé expressed that they wanted me there, they wanted me to be A PART of the wedding, but now I’m not even invited to attend.
I just feel used. I did so much for them, only for her to change plans that affected my living situation and not invite me to her wedding after previously being a bridesmaid. I sent a message expressing how I felt hurt and why I did, but she never responded and our mutuals started scolding me for it.
So, AITJ for confronting my friend after she cut me from her wedding?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here, you were perfectly in your right to tell her how you feel and she was perfectly in her right to not engage with you about this.
Nothing that you have said here, makes her the jerk. She’s communicating when things change, not just leaving you hanging. It sounds like the reality of wedding planning and costs may have become clear to them and they decided to cut WAY back by having a small family wedding.
Don’t take it personally. If it were me, I’d be doing a happy tap dance that I didn’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on a dress and other crap I’ll never use again. I’ve been a bridesmaid six times, and let me tell you that it isn’t usually a fun gig.” SpaceyAwesome
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. Did you think you would be living with this couple forever? A year is plenty of time for you to figure out a plan for yourself. However, the wedding twist is rude and inexcusable. Unless there is more to this.” Both-Ad1586
13. AITJ For Asking My Mom To Ask For My Permission Before Posting My Photos?
“I’m 16F and very sensitive, and my mom is in her 40s. As background info, my parents and I share the same Messenger account to communicate with my overseas grandma.
I realize this account sharing was a big mistake since a few weeks ago, I sent some pictures of me and my friends to my grandma through the Messenger account. Then a few days later, those same pictures were posted on my parents’ social media account, allowing everyone who follows them to see the photos.
I noticed it when I saw my mom scrolling through social media on her iPad, and when I called her out, she tried changing the subject and ignoring it. I felt upset by this invasion of privacy, but I didn’t want to cause any arguments, so I said nothing more.
But this changed today.
I recently returned from a trip and my mom asked me to send the pictures I took to my grandma through our Messenger account, and while I did so, I asked my mom “Are you sure you won’t post the pictures on your social media?” My mom seemed defensive and raised her voice and said “No, of course not, I wouldn’t do that!” I kept asking the same question to make sure, which annoyed her (that was my fault, I was just paranoid).
Then, as she kept raising her voice at me, I began tearing up, making my mom even more annoyed. I told her, “I don’t feel respected when you post pictures of me and my friends on your social media account without my permission.” My mom said how she did it because “she loves me and my friends, and how we are beautiful, and if we were ugly, she wouldn’t care to post the pictures.” (I think that was supposed to make me feel better, but it made my cry harder).
Then she started saying how I was implying that she was a horrible mom who doesn’t respect her daughter (which I never said, I just said how I felt) and how I was making a huge deal about photos. She criticized me by asking, “Why are you being so difficult?” I responded by saying that I didn’t mean to make it a big deal and that all I wanted was for her to just ask me for my permission the next time she wanted to post a pic of me.
She tells me there will be no more “next time” because she will delete all the photos on the account and never post anything of me again (which I never asked her to do). She said how I was being selfish for not thinking about her or my dad and how much they love me, which hurt my feelings.
I started apologizing to her saying “I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I know you and Dad love and respect me, and I’m still so grateful to have you as my parents.” But my mom continues by saying how “difficult” I’m being how I’ve “changed” and how since she’s my mom, she is allowed to do what she wants with me.
Is that justified?
Now, she’s giving me the silent treatment. I think I just ruined my trust and relationship with my mom. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You were very clearly communicating boundaries and how it made you feel, and she became defensive. You have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to apologize for here.
I know it’s hard but make sure you keep your boundaries and don’t let people bully you for them. If you don’t want photos posted, it should be respected. Those photos were sent to an intended recipient and not for a larger viewership, your mom was in the wrong OP.” Kindly_Speaker_702
Another User Comments:
“Her actions are not respecting you, so she’s right there… NTJ. I’m always wary of posting pictures of others on social media. Once someone is old enough to give consent they should always be consulted. When they are not old enough their parent/guardian should be consulted. You are old enough to have a say on which images of you other people post. You aren’t saying don’t post, just check with me.
Your mum is being childish, and at her age should know better. Unfortunately, some people don’t get it. I’m in my 40s, my mum is in her 70s and I’ve asked her multiple times to ask permission before posting pictures of either me or my wife.
She tried, but I don’t think she gets it…” Swimming_Possible_68
Another User Comments:
“Up to a point, there was logic to it. You said you didn’t feel respected – she understood she was disrespecting you. What type of mothers disrespect their children – the horrible ones?
OK, so much for logic. Then that last part that since you’re her child she’s allowed to do what she wants with you…this is way off. This whole thing could have gone so differently. Instead of you asking her multiple times if she’s posted them, you could have said “Please don’t post them”.
Her words, in turn, were very blown out of proportion, especially since it’s something so easy to comply with. NTJ, I’d say, but you and your mom have a mutual communication problem, that you should both try to fix.” Lower-Valuable4417
12. AITJ For Not Mourning My Father's Death?
“My (M42) father (82) passed earlier this year. He had been suffering from dementia for several years prior and by the time he was near his end, he was a mere shadow of his former self. What was left was a very nasty man who refused outside nursing assistance and required that my mother take care of him full-time. She couldn’t leave the house for more than a few minutes at a time and, as a result, missed several milestone events in my life.
My relationship with my father throughout my lifetime has been…distant. He wasn’t abusive nor was he physically absent. He took me fishing and to sporting events. He financially provided for me and paid for my college education. Of those things, I am very appreciative. What he lacked was an effort to connect with me emotionally. I always felt dismissed and an annoyance in his presence. The youngest of three children, I felt like he favored my older siblings over me. As a child, I tried to change my personality to be more like my older brother (who is very different from me) to gain more of my father’s favor, which just ended up turning me into a confused mess. As I grew older, I was often criticized for my interests and viewpoints. Unless I did exactly what he thought I should do, it was never good enough.
For much of my life, I blamed myself for this relationship. I thought it was all my fault. This contributed to diminished feelings of self-worth and esteem, which I continue to struggle with to this day. It wasn’t until I became a father of my own did I realized that it’s not the child’s responsibility to build a relationship with the parent. Being a parent has taught me that I have to work every day to gain trust and to build the foundational emotional structure with my children because they are simply reacting to and absorbing what I put in front of them. Even my mother has made several comments on how engaged I am with them. Yes, I changed diapers. Yes, I help with getting them ready for school. I spend time with them and enjoy playing with them (most of the time). I do my best to turn disciplinary moments into teaching opportunities. I’m far from father of the year, but I try and I’m present as much as I can be.
So when my father finally passed, I didn’t feel much of anything. I didn’t cry at the funeral. I didn’t go through the typical stages of mourning. I just mentally shrugged my shoulders and moved on, and I feel like I’m the jerk because of it. This is something I should take a deep dive into in therapy, but curious if others think I’m the jerk for feeling the way I feel.”
Another User Comments:
“Going with NTJ “Being a parent has taught me that I have to work every day to gain the trust and to build the foundational emotional structure with my children” Absolutely agree. “What was left was a very nasty man who refused outside nursing assistance and required that my mother take care of him full time.” Dementia can cause personality changes, but watching the undeniable impact, particularly on your mom, must’ve been very hard.
“What he lacked in an effort to connect with me emotionally. I always felt dismissed and an annoyance in his presence.” Taking everything together, it’s understandable & very ok to feel how you do about your Dad. It’s also a great credit to you that you haven’t repeated those patterns with your kids/have made a real effort *not* to.
Have therapy by all means. I hope it helps you find peace with how you feel. All the best to you.” Apart-Ad-6518
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’ve already spent a lot of time mourning the dad that your father wasn’t. And even if your relationship with him had been great, when a relative is lost to dementia, people often have done their grieving by the time the person physically dies.
You’ve already processed his death and are working on what your life will be going forward. That sounds pretty healthy to me. And finally, consider this…there is no one right way or wrong way to grieve. If anyone seems to think that you need to visibly grieve in a certain way, they are the ones in the wrong.
I wish I were Miss Manners and could give you some suitably frosty, but oh, so correct, retort for them.” greta_cat
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I loved my Mimi. So much. And other than when she died I never cried again. Until about a month ago.
She’s been dead for 7 years. So Just because you haven’t mourned doesn’t mean you never will. And even if you never do that’s okay too. Mourning is an ugly mess. It’s never beautiful. It’s never the same. Sometimes it’s being indifferent.
Sometimes it’s anger, sadness, even joy. Sometimes you mourn before the person is even dead and when they pass you have already made peace with their death. But it’s always different and that’s okay. So because of that, I would not stress on how you mourn or even if you ever do.
I would just be there for your family and just let today take you to tomorrow!” AnnaBan1998
11. AITJ For Being Upset My Roommate Adopted Her Father's Neglected Dog Without My Consent?
“I (f25) have two roommates who I’ll call Doreen (f23) and Matt (m25) who are together. We moved out together after Doreen and her father had a validly dramatic fallout last year in December. We agreed on a set of rules where nothing would be decided unless we all talked and agreed about the subject.
Lately, Doreen has been making decisions on her own without discussing anything with anyone in the house but because she and Matt are together he automatically agrees to make her happy and none of them were my hill to die on.
The most recent decision was to take her father’s dog under her wing since her dad has confessed that he no longer wants to take care of her.
For some background, the dog hasn’t been taken care of properly for years and hasn’t been bathed in almost a year. Her dad works the night shift and sleeps during the day so he doesn’t pay attention to the dog and claims that she gets into impossible and too much trouble.
Facts about the dog: she is 9-10 years old, morbidly obese, has trouble breathing, smells rancid even after Doreen bathed her, bites anyone that tries to give her love, and is in the way 90% of the time (she will lay in random places that make you unable to open certain drawers such as the garbage) and can barely walk.
I’ve told Doreen in the past that I don’t mind the dog staying with us for a week at a time but do NOT want the dog here permanently mostly because I physically cannot be around the dog without being repulsed and annoyed when she’s in the way.
Doreen agreed that we’d have to have an extensive conversation about the dog staying permanently before anything else so I had nothing to worry about. A few days ago her dad was supposed to come back for the dog so I went out to give them space only to come back to the dog still being here.
I asked her why and she simply said “You’re rarely here anyways what’s the big deal?” (I work long hours at a restaurant whereas she works from home) I was speechless and simply left the room upset.
I haven’t talked to Matt or Doreen since and am seething every second because the house smells bad 24/7 and she sees nothing wrong with making such a huge decision without talking about it first. We now have two dogs and a cat in the house which I did not agree to so please tell me if I’m the jerk on this one.
I don’t know if I’m the jerk because I get that the dog is dying but her father needs to take responsibility for once in his life instead of throwing an extra pet on us.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You should have a say in what your living environment consists of.
A pet is a pretty big deal and affects you whether you are home a lot or not. But you should know that living with a couple is tricky because you will always lose the vote. If you can start thinking about options for alternative living arrangements, that might be your longer-term solution.
Because I bet the dog will not be the end of it.” RMaua
Another User Comments:
“NTJ This should have been a GROUP decision. Just because they are together it does not mean they are running this house. I don’t know if she has agreed on what the maintenance will be but you should NOT have to pick up after this dog at all.
This is so unfortunate and it sounds like you are living with someone who just walks all over people. You should not have to be uncomfortable in your own house just because you are “barely” there. If that is her mindset that you are barely there why not have the conversation of paying less for rent since she wants to make the decisions and you are never present anyways.” lucymae2408
10. AITJ For Wanting To Complain About My Neighbors' Noisy Dogs?
“So, just moved to a new city. Love my new apartment. But the dogs… let me explain.
This complex is ruled by barking dogs. My biggest issue and my WIBTJ is about dogs #1 and #3. Especially #3.
Building layout context; I live in a 4-unit complex, two units downstairs, and two units upstairs.
I’m on the top floor and my balcony faces into the parking lots/green space with other buildings.
**Dog #1 I hate:** My direct downstairs neighbor has these two dogs. He’s elderly and tbh looks as pale as death. My balcony sits right overtop his porch space.
He has a little slice of yard and he lets his two chubby, gotta be maybe 30 lbs soaking wet dogs poop and pee on it. He doesn’t clean it up either so the poops just fester there. It’s gonna be the heat of the summer soon and I’ve already contemplated my move to fix that situation.
**WIBTJ** if I go to him and offer to help him clean up after his dogs since I can smell the dog poop in my apt when I have the balcony door open/sit on the balcony. I feel like it’d be technically a nice gesture but also a “Hey I smell your dog’s mess, clean up after your animals” nudge.
WIBTJ?
**Dog #2 I hate:** My upstairs neighbor, directly to the left facing my unit, has this dog that barks every time I walk past their door to get to my door. I hate it. They never walk their dog other than to bring it outside to bark at its shadow and pee and nip at passing people.
Not much I can do about it. It just sucks. Needed to vent.
**Dog #3 I LOATH:** OKAY. This dog. I hate this dog. The neighbors directly across from my unit, in another building, in the downstairs unit have this tiny yappy little shih tzu-looking dog that does not stop barking when it’s left on their patio.
Barks at everything. I’ve only seen the dog once outside of the and it was running like crazy up and down the parking area. But they leave it outside for hours on their porch, usually between 4-6 PM when I’m just finishing work, wanting to read outside on the balcony and catch the last bit of the sun and relax.
And it just barks, and barks, and barks.
**WIBTJ** if I send in a noise complaint to the city? It goes on public record and I don’t want my name anywhere, nor to put those people in any sort of trouble. But also, take care of your dog.
WIBTJ?
I know none of these dogs are at fault which is why it makes me feel weird about wanting to complain about dog #3. It’s the dog owners in this apt unit being the worst dog owners in the world. But I also don’t want to get anyone in trouble.
Just want the dog to stop barking for hours on end.
I will never understand why people get a pet to let it rot beside them. If you have or are thinking about getting a dog, just walk the thing. Make the poor animal happy and loved. Or don’t get one.”
Another User Comments:
“Your noise complaint to the city is going nowhere if the sound does not break local noise ordinances, which is unlikely given that the hours this happens are not late at night/early in the morning. Also, dog number three doesn’t even live in your building.
That landlord, unless they own your building as well, has no obligation to you. You can certainly make a complaint about your neighbor who just lets the waste fester in the yard, as that is an actual issue impacting your unit that your landlord can address.” Kasparian
Another User Comments:
“YTJ By the way you talk about the animals, it’s clear your issue here is with the dogs themselves, not just the smell or the noise. You wouldn’t be a jerk for offering to help clean up your downstairs neighbor’s poop. I think that’s a good idea, both to draw this to his attention (he should be cleaning up after his dog) and just to clean up the place.
I get it. Dog barking can be annoying. I have a neighbor with a menacing dog that prevents me from doing yard work in my yard (I can’t be out there while it’s barking like crazy at me). That doesn’t somehow give me a reason to report them.
Barking during the day, generally, is not considered a nuisance. Complaining without some legal backup will only make you look like a jerk, and then everyone will know you are. Would you be making this complaint if it were a child yelling or crying?” Jazzlike_Property692
9. AITJ For Not Wanting My Fiancé To Meet My Pro-CCP Parents?
“I (25F) am Chinese and my fiance (25M) is Vietnamese. I was born in China and spent my days there, but eventually, after a lot of arguments and trying to convince my parents to let me move to Australia by my first year of university, they relented, which I was ecstatic over.
When I was in high school, I kept studying hard, especially English, because I had a dream of moving to Australia. After taking the Gaokao in my final year (the Chinese equivalent of the SAT), as well as showing evidence of my proficiency in English and all the processes that went into successfully becoming an international student, I finally managed to land my dream degree of a bachelor’s in biomedical engineering.
The main reason I wanted to move to Australia was when I realized that my family was pro-CCP. I was getting disconnected from my family because of the enforcement of their beliefs onto me and my brother. The last straw came when my brother told me that he was going to voluntarily serve in the Chinese Military.
When I was in the middle of my second year of university, I met my partner, now fiance, for the very first time and we met through the esports club in our university. As we got to know each other even further, romantic feelings began to appear and we began to see each other after I asked him out.
When we had both finished our degrees, he proposed to me, and I ecstatically said yes.
We were now engaged and we were discussing our future wedding and other marriage-related things. The issue arose when my partner told his parents that he was engaged and started asking me about wanting to meet my parents, to which I firmly refused. When he asked why, I explained the reasons why I moved to Australia in the first place and told him everything about my parents and said I didn’t want to be dishonored (They’re also quite racist to non-Chinese people).
A while after that talk though, my fiance asked about any possibility of meeting my parents. He’d rather have me rip the bandaid off and be completely honest with my parents that I was seeing him. In his words, he’d much rather get hurt by my parents rather than let me carry on my “secret relationship”.
He also added that since my family was so far away, they couldn’t cause any immediate harm or danger to me or him.
In the end, I was still adamant about my decision, but as I was writing this post, I kept thinking about my parents and the things my fiance said.
Even though they were bad parents, I cannot help but think that maybe I should just be honest with them, because there are easy solutions if they disapproved. Moreover, I can live a transparent life, and even with the hurt, my fiance can help me with the pain.
I can’t stop thinking about family and cultural values and concealing something so big as this. I’m especially second-guessing myself because I was so paranoid over this when I was someone who managed to move to the other side of the world by myself and was doing fine.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – The least you could do is at least tell your parents that he exists and that you’re getting married. Do you still communicate with them and just haven’t told them or have you cut off contact?
Either way, if you were going to communicate anything it would be that you are getting married. Your fiance is committing himself to you, and the least you could do is acknowledge he exists instead of living a lie with your family.” puntacana24
Another User Comments:
“NTJ!! Having lived in China, I understand your pain. Also, with my family every time I had a partner, she was never good enough. In the end, the only way I was able to marry at 33 was to move from the US to Germany. Then not tell them that I got married for about a week.
Then it was “Oh, BTW I got married last week.” So I suggest that you get married first and then tell your family about him.” WartHog-56
Another User Comments:
“Do not keep your fiancée a secret. This will only hurt him and your relationship in the long run.
He is fully aware of your parents and their outlook on non-Chinese people so he will not be caught off guard by their response. Being honest will allow you to live a transparent life and if your parents choose to cut ties with you, then that’s their decision.
You can only control what you do.” Business-Garbage-370
8. AITJ For Asking My Friend To Stop Calling Me Without Warning?
“I (17F) had recently gotten into an argument with a close friend (17F).
I met my friend (B) last year around November. She is one of the closest people in my life and I thought she understood me the most.
My only “problem” with her is how often she calls, it’s always without a warning. I’ve told her since the start of our friendship that I don’t like calls, sometimes I’m fine with calling if I’m able to and have something to talk about.
I can barely keep up a conversation IRL if I don’t have a topic to talk about. Even then she keeps on calling me and would even beg, and 2/3 of the calls she makes is just because she “misses” me. I’ve started getting mad getting called twice a day just because she “misses” me and whenever I try to end the call she begs me not to and that we could stay on a silent call, what’s the point of calling then?
Because I cherish her as a close friend I never say anything directly about these unwarned calls because I don’t want her to get annoyed or start to overthink what I said. I’ve also become very busy this week due to personal things which she knows.
Now onto what happened. Yesterday I had a physics class and right before it she called me, I closed the call and told her “I can’t call I have a class, please stop calling me all the time I don’t have the time to answer any more”.
She said that she called by mistake and sent 2 voice messages that I couldn’t hear. I, again, told her I was in a class and that I couldn’t hear the voice messages, she replied with “I’m not begging you to listen to them, when you get back from class listen to them” which got me incredibly mad.
After the class, I listened to the voice messages and it was her saying she called by mistake and that I didn’t need to “explode in her face” because she called me. I told her that I said that because she calls me every day for the reasons I listed and told her “How is it wrong of me to ask you to stop calling me without warning” and mentioned how I kept my mouth shut for her and how she was supposed to know that I don’t like calling in general.
She replied “Oh so you’re doing me a favor by keeping your mouth shut? Whenever you say you want to close the call I close it immediately and it’s not like anyone is forcing you to call” She then said “you’re making it seem like I’m forcing you to be my friend”.
I don’t know why she would say that. She then says “I know you got friends but it’s not ok to say some out-of-pocket things like that, I get that I’m too much and I’m sorry” I can’t tell if she’s trying to guilt me or something??
there was no need for those texts.
She then goes on to say “Sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable or put you in an awkward position or not made you laugh, I’m trying my best here too” which also had question marks going off in my head.
I genuinely don’t know what I should do because I cherish her as a friend, she’s almost like family. And I never did anything to get her to the point of saying the last few texts she sent. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Boundaries are good and needed even with friends.
She is overreacting to you asking not to call so much. Impossible for me to say if she is being dramatic or misunderstood instead. Maybe say to her that she is your friend but you need her to change how she communicates not because you don’t care but because this way of communicating without warning doesn’t work for you.
Maybe suggest something she could do instead that does work for you. If she is still overreacting after that, then you at least know she is over dramatic if things aren’t always going the way she wants. Which isn’t a good trait from a friend.” -Patchwork-
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some people are needy and some are not. Nobody was a jerk here. But you can’t be silent and not say anything if it’s bothering you because otherwise it boils over and becomes a bigger problem. Be honest and sincere regarding how you feel and try to solve this peacefully” eternalsnacklord
7. AITJ For Missing My Friend's Baby Shower Because I Was Sick?
“My friend is upset with me. I helped her plan the baby shower and 3 days before I got sick.
I messaged her 2 days before and continued helping her with a game I was going to run but saying it wasn’t looking good for me to attend.
She said it wasn’t a serious illness so it was fine. I told her again the day before I likely wasn’t coming and then the morning of texted her and her spouse that I didn’t want to risk her being sick.
I FaceTimed into the shower, my gift had already been delivered the day before and I texted again the morning of and promised to come over in a week when I was in the clear.
When the next week came I said “What’s your free time today and tomorrow.” She explained she was driving into the city for an appointment and would likely be back around 3 pm.
Around 6 pm I mentioned giving them some time for a nap since she was driving back from the city and asked again about tomorrow’s schedule. She said it was fine because they honestly didn’t really need my help with anything for nesting and to try again in a few weeks.
The mom-to-be then ignored me for months.
Today she finally came clean that she was “matching my energy” because I missed her first baby shower ever and that I left them hanging when I was supposed to come over.
She’s allowed to be disappointed at my absence but I feel like she is being insane and I’m questioning over a decade of friendship over this.
Her message was written like I was intentionally trying to miss the shower I helped plan and didn’t make any effort to support her milestone at all!!! We never even set a time for my visit and then she told me not to come (which I now believe was said in jest, but I had no reason to think so at the time).
She even said in the message today “I told you you could come anyway” that would make me un-sick!!!
I am so taken aback by her message today, and honestly, I’m angry. It’s bratty and petty and it’s immature. Also, I’m mad that it came months later at my prompting when she finally started communicating with me directly again.
I am hurt by this. I don’t deserve to be treated like crap just because she was pregnant. But I also don’t want to make a post-partum mom feel bad.
Am I allowed to tell her she sounds crazy after I helped plan her shower and wanted to protect her then-unborn baby and made the effort to make it up?
It’s like she’s looking for reasons to build a case that I hate her or something!
What say you, AITJ for missing the shower when she said I could come while sick?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Personally, my message would be that if I didn’t care about her, I would have come and been Patient Zero at a super-spreader event.
I’d also ask her why she thought I’d waste time and money helping her to prepare, only to show my true colors by leaving her high and dry. That makes no sense. It also makes no sense that you’ve been trying to fix this situation for months, even though – according to her – you hate her.
The only case she’s building is why your friendship should be over.” RandoCollision
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Your entitled, selfish, and ungrateful friend is the jerk and I hope you end the friendship for your well-being. Her behavior is a red flag – what expectations will she demand you live up to when the baby comes?
You got sick and your friend punished you disproportionately and it’s unacceptable in my opinion.” Darth_Awkward
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you did the right thing not exposing her or the other guests to illness. But even if this wasn’t a consideration, you are allowed simply to not feel well enough to go.
It’s immature that she didn’t raise this with you independently and the “matching your energy” comment just shows her actions are in bad faith. In a mature mutually respectful relationship, when you’re unhappy with someone’s efforts, you would speak to them and explain that you require more from them, or decide to end the friendship because they don’t live up to your expectations.
But spending months treating them poorly in an attempt to make a point is just incredibly childish.” Novel_Experience5479
6. AITJ For Keeping A Secret About Her Mom From My Friend?
“Last year I (F25, autistic) wanted to nominate my friend (F26) for an award but I needed her mother’s help to reach out to some contacts. Her mother told me that she didn’t think her daughter was worthy of the award and refused to help me.
I was unable to nominate my friend. I swore I’d never tell my friend about what her mom said, ever.
Two months ago my friend canceled some weekend plans with me because her mom was mad she was going to so many things with me and I replied with a text message saying “I have nothing charitable to say about this so I’ll just step back from this convo.” And my friend got weird and stopped texting me back until a few days later.
Now we were close – like call each other randomly throughout the day just to say hi and we’ve traveled together, and a whole bunch of other stuff. After this though she started to get flaky and I told her “Hey sorry I realize now my message seemed harsh but it wasn’t about you!” And a few weeks later I had surgery.
I told my friend before surgery that I wasn’t taking my phone to the hospital but would catch up with her afterward.
Everything just seemed weird and she stopped replying like normal after this. She never came to visit me after surgery, and even when we did plan something, she said she was really busy and would “find some time I guess” to drop by so I told her it was okay she could go be with her family.
I had a really bad meltdown that night because I was so lonely and sad.
Now she keeps saying all I’ve been is upset with her, but I’ve texted her so many times telling her I’m not upset.
I asked her over text if we could hang out or something and I said I missed her, but she just replied with a message that said “We should talk in person” which led me to spiral into another meltdown because the last person she said that to was her partner who she broke up with and she’s never sent me such an impersonal message before.
She thinks I’m upset with her, but I’ve never been upset with her, only her mom.
I know if I told her that my “uncharitable” message was about her mom and explained the secret she would see that I’m not mad at her and never have been.
She’s now not replying to any of the messages I send her except for one to tell me she’s too emotional and that she’ll “contact me in a few days to book a time”
Am I the jerk for letting her perceive my anger towards her mom as towards her?
I swore I’d never tell her what her mom said but I think keeping this secret has ruined my friendship. AITJ for keeping this secret from her?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here I think. Without context, your response about having nothing charitable to say 100% will have come across as you being angry at her, not her mum, so I can understand why she was upset by this.
I do think she overreacted though, especially once you explained that it was her mum that your frustration was directed towards. I will say that you could have explained that what you said was directed towards her mum without going into detail as to why you dislike her so much.
Telling her the secret when you were in the middle of a fight was probably quite bad timing and needed to be handled with a lot more delicacy. I’m not saying you were in the wrong for telling her the secret- she deserves to know the truth- but this was not the time. I think she overreacted to the initial text, but I can see why she might need space after this revelation, though she may also be taking out her hurt at her mom on you.
At this point, I think all you can do is give her the space she wants and then reaffirm how much you care about her. ” User
5. AITJ For Not Wanting To Adopt Another Dog Due To Financial Concerns?
“I (29M) have a wife (25F) who works at an animal shelter. A beautiful fluffy white dog is currently in said shelter, and my wife wants to bring her home.
My wife has fallen in love with the dog, who she has already named. I have met this dog; and she does seem to be a genuinely good, well-natured dog. We have a Labrador already, who’s always happy to play with other dogs, and our yard is plenty big enough for two dogs.
Plus the potential new dog will already be spayed and have her shots and stuff – after adoption fees, the main expense would be food and eventually vet care down the road. Assuming a meet’n’greet between our Lab and this one goes well, it does seem like an alright fit.
So here’s where my concerns come into play. I bought a new car recently, and have a $20k loan that I’ve started paying off. This is a lot of money to me, and I would like to work on building up as much money as I can to be able to get rid of it as early as possible.
My parents have sent me a lot of money (around $9k) this year to help me with some expenses incurred by my poor previous car, including $5k towards the cost of my new one; and I can’t imagine how it’d look to them if I turn around and respond by bringing another dog home.
On top of that, my wife has had some mental health struggles for the last few months, to the point that she needed to leave her original position at work and take a lower-paying one. In the aftermath of that, while she has seemed to be doing better at the new position and she likes her psychiatrist, it feels to me like she still has a lot to work through and that I’ve had to pick up a lot of slack in caring for our current dog.
And I don’t think adding another dog for us to take care of, while I’m paying more money per month than I’m used to and she still isn’t feeling her best, is a particularly good idea.
Less than half an hour ago, we had an argument over text about this.
I told her that I was not certain we could afford the dog and that I didn’t think getting another dog was a viable solution to how she’s feeling when she’s less involved than she used to be in caring for the one we have; she told me that it’s all her fault then that I’m saying no. That dog will be up for adoption by this time next week – if I’m the jerk here, I need to know quickly if I’m going to reverse course and move forward with getting ready for the new dog.
Whatever you guys decide, thank you – for at least hearing a tired man out.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your finances and your wife’s lack of capacity are two valid reasons to not get another dog. If you’re already doing the majority of dog care with one dog, it’s safe to assume you’ll be taking care of the 2nd dog after the new dog excitement dissipates. I think it would be financially irresponsible because you have a car loan and you should repay your parents as well.
Accidents and health issues happen and even with insurance, it doesn’t cover all of it. My dog’s lifetime vet bills are over $20,000. I have insurance. We also feed raw which isn’t cheap. ” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I think your current way of thinking is very responsible.
As a parent with adult children, it can be somewhat baffling to help adult children financially (which I don’t mind doing) only to have them turn around and spend money on a “want” and not a “need”. Even dogs from a shelter are costly.
There is food, vet care, grooming, etc… it can sometimes add up to a lot. With regards to your wife and her mental health, there may have been a way to word your concerns differently so she didn’t feel it was her “fault”. The fact that you can not afford another dog right now should be enough reason to say no. Regardless of her mental state.
Good luck to you both. Hoping your wife feels better soon.” Jacquelinelee
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A pet is a ‘two yes’ situation. ngl, I think your reasons hold water more than hers do, but regardless: if both of you aren’t enthusiastically on board, another dog is a no-go right now.
Give it another year for you guys to pay your debts (car and parents), take over more equal ownership of dog care, and then re-evaluate. I would agree with another person who commented here that this is a convo you should have face to face, not over text.” maplesyruppirate
4. AITJ For Confronting My Mother After She Lied About Not Coming To My Mother's Day Celebration?
“I 20F tried to do something for my mother on Mother’s Day. Nothing big just a home-cooked meal along with her favorite dessert and flowers at my place. I share the place with two roommates. She didn’t show up and didn’t even call to let me know that she wouldn’t.
I called her and the reason she didn’t come was that she woke up not feeling good and it slipped her mind to text me. If you’re wondering why I didn’t do something for her at her house it’s because I can’t go there. Her husband kicked me out three years ago and I never went back because we still don’t talk.
Later my brother posted a picture of him and his little family celebrating Mother’s Day with my mother in the middle (at her house). I felt hurt because she could’ve just let me know that she wouldn’t come so I could do something else or at least spare 1 hour for me.
I’ll just put myself out there and give you some context. 17-19 I was in a bad place. I did a lot of messed up things. I dropped out of school. I used to drink and smoke a lot. I got pregnant at 17 and miscarried (this was when her husband kicked me out because I didn’t make it easy for them to help me.
It was too much for them). I had a medical procedure when I was 18. I got inebriated and ended up being taken advantage of at a party and that was the wake-up call for me. I could go on for an hour about the mistakes I made.
She was ashamed to have a daughter like me but she did help me get through it financially. I accepted all the help I got and tried to work on myself. I have a job now and have been sober for 9 months. I apologized to her a lot and I still apologize to her sometimes.
Back to Mother’s Day. I said nothing but called her today and asked her why she lied to me. Her response was “You did a lot of lying before and I never asked why. Did I” I tried to keep calm because to this day she still reminds me of my past mistakes that I’m trying hard to forget about and improve from.
I asked her if she wanted nothing to do with me then she could just be honest with me and I would never bother her again because I felt like she’s been trying to avoid me lately. Her response was “After all I did for you and here you are still acting like I’m the one in the wrong.
I hope every time you look into my eyes you feel that I deserve a better child” I know I shouldn’t have said this but I told her that I would never feel such a thing because I’m never near her again to look into her eyes to begin with.
I called again to apologize and she’s not answering my calls. I don’t know if I went too far but I didn’t mean going NC. I was just angry at the way she talked to me.
If someone went through a similar situation how can I prove to my mother that I’ve changed?
How can I gain her trust back? I don’t even remember the last time we hugged. I miss those hugs they made me feel something I haven’t felt in years now.”
Another User Comments:
“In this very specific instance, NTJ. It’s very clear that the wounds from your 17-19 age are still very fresh in her mind and she is either taking a break from you or needs some time to heal before going to your house.
And that’s reasonable. What isn’t reasonable is lying to you and saying she deserves a better child. I do think you need to take the hint though and give your relationship a long break.” applebum8807
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. For at least a year of that, you were a minor child in her home who had a traumatic experience and I’m guessing no therapy at the time.
You didn’t cope with it well, made some poor decisions, and acted out but she is the one who kicked a minor child out of her home. If anyone is owed an apology OP it’s you. Sorry, you have such a crappy mom.
You’re better off without contact if she’s unwilling to admit her mistakes but holds yours over your head. Keep doing what you’re doing to keep yourself sober and in a good place and forget them. I don’t know if you’re in a twelve-step program or not, but one of the best things I learned there is the serenity prayer.
You’re changing the things you can to improve your life, but you can’t change the actions of others. It’s one of the wisdom to know different things. ” PsychologicalGain757
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. She’s holding on to her grievance and rather than be honest with you she lied and ignored you causing you to waste your time.
Two wrongs don’t make a right. She may have helped you through it but why bother if she was just going to hold it against you? You’ve apologized repeatedly and have accepted your wrongdoings. There isn’t anything else you can do. Congratulations on turning things around for yourself.
Do not let this derail you. You deserve better. ” Beautiful-Way-2259
3. AITJ For Uninviting My Toxic Bridesmaid From My Wedding?
“My fiancé (M27) and I (F26) are getting married soon, and are excited about this new chapter of our lives after 8+ years together.
Now, I have this family friend (F20), Sarah. Our parents had been friends long before we were born, and I was best friends with her older brother (M25) growing up.
Frankly, Sarah and I were never “close”, but our families were and spent every weekend and holiday together, so despite our differences, I considered her a good friend and sister, up until recently. We were just very different people—we had no common interests and just very different personalities.
We would still hang out in groups, but it was the type of relationship where we never really talked to each other directly. No bad blood on my end. When I got engaged and began planning my wedding, I asked Sarah to be my bridesmaid.
I didn’t expect anything from her in terms of help, but I thought that she would at least be supportive or happy for me…NOPE!
A month or two into planning go by and I hear that Sarah has been saying things about me such as: 1) It’s “clear” that my fiancé doesn’t want to marry me and that he doesn’t love me, 2) I “demanded” that my future in-laws give us money to pay for the wedding, and 3) She hopes my wedding gets ruined. This is only a fraction of the things said, in addition to “jokes” about how she should wear a gown to outshine me, and criticism over every wedding decision I made.
Because I heard these from other people, I decided to just take note and give her the benefit of the doubt. I asked Sarah out for dinner (my treat) and essentially asked about everything I heard being said. She didn’t deny any of it and instead said it was true, but that she didn’t know why she said those things and that something about me just made her hate me.
We talked for hours, and afterward, I told her that I thought it would be better if I didn’t have her as a bridesmaid and asked for her dress back (which I paid for). She did apologize and give the dress back, but it didn’t feel sincere.
After her mother (F59) found out, she started blowing up my phone, saying that I was a jerk for firing Sarah as a bridesmaid, that I was ungrateful, and that she clearly “wasted time and money” on me as a kid. Sarah’s mother then said she would not attend the wedding unless I made Sarah a bridesmaid again, to which I said no. The following weeks just got much worse, which eventually resulted in us uninviting them from our wedding.
My new bridesmaid has been amazing. I’ve only known her for a few months, but from day one, we instinctively clicked. She has been so supportive and helpful through everything, and I’m so happy that I have someone like her to stand by me on my big day.
I am still being told I’m the jerk though by multiple people, so I guess I want to know…AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sarah gets her poor behavior from her mother. It’s pathetic that Sarah’s mom called you to stand up for her daughter when her daughter was clearly in the wrong.
She sounds like a nasty individual all the way around. You are much better off having none of them there if this is how they act when they don’t get their way. It’s your wedding and it shouldn’t come with added stress or people who aren’t supportive and happy for you.” bethholler
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I would tell Sarah’s mother exactly what Sarah said. ” Sarah’s mom, you can be as mad as you want. I’d heard from several people that Sarah was saying X, Y, and Z about me. I don’t follow rumors, so I asked Sarah directly if she’d said those things and she said she did.
And, she said she hated me. YOUR daughter said she hated me. Why would I have someone in my wedding who said TO MY FACE, that she hated me? Or that she hopes the wedding gets ruined? Or any of the other horrible things she said about me?
To be honest, Sarah didn’t seem all that upset when she gave me back the bridesmaid dress. You seem far more upset than she was. If you don’t want to come to the wedding, that’s fine. I understand but honestly? You really should talk to Sarah.
She and I left things on pretty decent terms, so I don’t know what you’re freaking out over” SubstantialQuit2653
Another User Comments:
“NTJ in the slightest. I feel like when people act to that kind of extreme unprovoked it’s such a clear indication of extreme jealousy and/or narcissism on their end, they are unable to handle seeing you happy and successful.
Honestly cut toxic people like that out of your life completely and do not fold and do not look back, anyone telling you otherwise is asking you to be a pushover for the sake of social niceties and is not genuinely in your corner anyways” According_Pizza8484
2. AITJ For Being Upset About My Husband's Lack Of Mother's Day Planning?
“Am I being unreasonable? So, on Mother’s Day, I wake up at 6:30 am, and my husband jumps out of bed and tells me to stay put. He comes back in with my 2 kids and some Mother’s Day gifts.
I was so happy and appreciated the effort. Both kids had sports starting at 8:30 am, so I got up and made everyone breakfast. We head out the door and take the kids to their activities, which finish at 11 am.
My husband says we need to get my son football boots, and afterward, we’ll have lunch.
When we got to the place he intended to take me to, we found it had been permanently closed for some time. He asked what I wanted to do, and I said I didn’t know and was tired of always making the decisions, so his backup plan was lunch at the shopping center food court.
This made me upset mainly because I usually don’t expect anything for Mother’s Day, and this has worked well for me, but in the lead-up to this year’s Mother’s Day, I got my hopes up. Two weeks prior, my sister had asked if I would like to do a Mother’s Day picnic, when I mentioned this to him, he said that it was my Mother’s Day too, and that he and my kids wanted to take me out to lunch.
With this, I told my sister he intended on taking me out for lunch- thinking it was something he had already planned or organized. The night before Mother’s Day, we were at my mother-in-law’s house, and she also said he planned to take me out for lunch- again, I assumed he made plans.
When we got home, I went and sat on my bed as I knew I would go straight back to cleaning and making dinner for everyone. I came out of the room at 6 pm to see what he had planned for dinner and found he was waiting for me to make the decision as to what we were having (although he intended to make it- heating chicken in the air fryer and making a wrap).
Later that night, he asked why I had been upset all day, and I said it was because the lack of effort made me feel disappointed especially because I could have planned a day with my sister. He replied that the Saturday he intended to do everything we ended up being busy but managed to get me presents.
I reminded him that I was visiting a friend in hospital and he was free from 1 pm onwards. I had asked if he was the one to make breakfast on Father’s Day and if we went for a food court lunch, would he be happy and he said yes.
Am I being unreasonable? Genuinely need to know if I need to adjust my attitude.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, He should have phoned to book a table. This is basically what it comes down to, his complete lack of organization. I appreciate that “plans” don’t always go the way they’re supposed to, but he didn’t plan anything, which is the bottom line and why you’re hurt.
Had you known he hadn’t planned a thing outside his head, you would have ensured what you were all doing. This is about the mental load, which is all dumped on you. He might make the dinner but only based on your instructions. If you haven’t seen it yet, I strongly suggest you look it up, the mental load.” TermAggravating8043
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but this is a great time to take a step back from all the mental load you carry for your family. Stop taking care of everything. Teach your children to be self-sufficient. If your husband wants to go somewhere/do something/have guests over, he can plan it.
Have groceries delivered rather than go out. Cook simpler meals, cook less. Anything you can cut back on, cut back.” hadMcDofordinner
1. AITJ For Disliking My Mother's Partner's Kids And Their Behavior?
“I genuinely don’t know if I’m going to be the downfall of this relationship for my mum but I just hate the whole thing.
For context: My mum came out of a 9-year marriage jumped into another relationship for 4 years and had a baby. They broke up when I was 16. Now she’s in a new relationship, I’m 18 now and I don’t mind the guy, they’ve been together for 4 months.
Now here’s what I’m struggling to deal with, he has 3 of his kids, 11, 15, and 17. I’m one of 4 now, 2, 11, and 14.
Now here’s where I might be the jerk. I hate his kids. I now live with my partner’s family but I’m still around at home, but my mum’s partner (let’s call him Greg) kids are around a ton.
I only officially met them because I was forced to when my mum bought us all tickets for the Easter show. But now they’re constantly over.
From my perspective, they’re bratty.
I grew up where we were JUST getting by. I see myself now as very careful with money and extremely appreciative.
His kids expect from Greg like no tomorrow and yell at him for little to no reason (my dad would’ve clobbered me if I yelled at him for the reasons they did). And they don’t care about the money he spends and waste it. (e.g. we all went to a festival for $60 a ticket and his eldest slept the majority of it).
I find it extremely disrespectful, I hinted at that and got filthy looks but did not come back.
They treat my mum’s house like their own. Greg’s middle kid constantly picks on my mum and calls it banter, and my mum has a go at me for having a go at him.
Greg’s youngest, she’s not that bad but is constantly messing with and trying to tease my bird (making my bird aggressive, if you own a bird, you know) just so she can say she hates my bird. Greg’s oldest has brought her partner over to MY HOME without even asking my mum, uses my mum to make her mother jealous, and expects money and
‘gifts’ from my mum too even though we’re still not that well off.
I will take accountability for what I can be and look like a mean person. I completely ignore them until they do something to my mum or siblings, I yell at them and tell them to back off, but I always end up being in trouble for not showing respect.
To clarify, I love my mum, but I’m just wondering if she wants this to work so bad that she doesn’t want me to “ruin” it. But my mum loves them, and they do show her respect in moderation. And my mum reminded me that even though I’m ‘protective’, I have no reason to behave like that now.
She says they’re beautiful kids, and she wants all 7 of us to get along and all be happy. I almost feel bad but I just can’t let them do what they want.
I’ve, in the attempt, been nice to them for my mum’s sake but I’m assuming because I’ve already shown them I hate them, Greg’s eldest is rude to me, and I’m just as, if not more, rude back.
That’s where I have the problem, they’re in MY home, where do they have the right to be jerks? But am I the jerk for behaving like this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ But I see where you are coming from. I was also brought up in a sort of austerity and I feel uncomfortable when younger people around my family show “disrespect” towards material things or time/money/effort put into something However, you don’t have authority over how they behave.
You can have an opinion and share that with your mum, but she is the one who has to set the boundary, not you. You can tell her that you don’t like how they treat her or behave around her house (HER house, not yours), but what she decides to do with that information is her choice.
Besides the issue with the bird (which I am going to assume is your pet left behind?), I don’t see anything causing issues for their dynamic?” thatcluelesslad
Another User Comments:
“YTJ not your circus, not your monkeys. It isn’t YOUR home. It’s your mum’s.
You chose to move out and away from the situation. You then don’t get to dictate to your mum how she should behave with guests in her house. It sounds pretty controlling tbh. It wouldn’t surprise me if they have permission to do some of the stuff you’re complaining about but your mum doesn’t want to tell you to avoid a confrontation.” Fabulous_A_53
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. It sounds like you have some resentment stemming from some instability growing up, parentification and mistreatment. But these kids aren’t the reason for that. It isn’t their fault they grew up with the privilege of a healthy, financially stable father.
They are not responsible for your trauma. Your mum, on the other hand, I think maybe some space or therapy would be good.” Fun-Cartographer7723
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