People Take Turns Telling Their “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
20. AITJ For Wanting To Attend College Far From My Controlling Father?
“I (18F) am going to be attending college and my financial aid and scholarships should cover the cost of everything. My father (49M) wants me to go to a community college that is close by and has no dorms.
He wants to pick me up every day to and from school, and he also said my scholarship money will be used to cover community college. He wants me to major in nursing so I can easily get a job to take care of him and the family.
Background Info: My dad has 8 kids and I’m the oldest in this immigrant household. My dad’s very strict and controlling and has so many rules like I’m not allowed to work, not allowed to drive or get a driver’s license, no bank account.
I can’t go out, I have to stay at home most of the time or school. I can’t have a partner or talk to any boys and no friends. I can’t hang out with friends or have friends. I can’t go shopping for my own clothes.
The list goes on.
That’s why I picked a college 3 hours away and it fits my financial needs and has a good grad rate. My mom tells me I should tell my dad I’m going to a college with a dorm but I’m worried it’ll make it worse.
A family friend said I should tell him once everything is done with college.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Get out and go to school three hours away and live your own life. Your dad has some, (overly controlling), plans for you for the rest of your life, but you don’t have to follow them.
OP, study what you want to, make sure you do whatever you have to do to keep that scholarship, work hard, and don’t get pregnant. Enjoy your new freedom, but not too much, you don’t want to have to go crawling home if you mess it up.
Godspeed, NTJ.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Sounds like a lot of pressure to succeed. What parents don’t get is that we have our own lives to live. You deserve to spread your wings and figure out your own life.
You’re 18 now so you can absolutely open your own bank account. Nothing he can do about it. I suggest a credit union to start out as they usually have no fee banking with no minimums required. I also suggest getting a job on campus to learn skills and responsibilities outside of school.
It’ll also help you have some spending money.” archetyping101
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to understand you are legally an adult. He cannot stop you from doing all the things on your list. He might try. You should let the college you want to attend know that you do not have support at home, that there is abuse, and ask if they can talk you through steps you should take to protect your independence, financial aid, housing, and records.
There should be resources on campus to help you. Talk to them about an on-campus part-time job. Do not sign any documents allowing your parents access to your academic records or anything else at college. Open up a bank account in your own name immediately in a bank your parents do not bank at.
You may need to open a Post office box to receive your own mail at an address they don’t know. Your life and your future are yours alone to determine, and you deserve to have your own goals.
You are not an indentured servant and you have rights and responsibilities to discover, develop, and share your own gifts as you determine. If YOU decide to attend a community college just to save money/not be in a ton of debt, have these same conversations with that school.
If you need to tell him you have group projects to work on at the school while you actually are working and saving money, do that. You may even want to contact a domestic abuse hotline/shelter because they will have so many resources to suggest to help you gain your confidence and independence.” Antelope_31
19. AITJ For Wanting To Call The Police On Neighbor Kids For Constantly Disturbing My Household?
“This happens a few times a week, the neighbor’s kids are probably 11 and 8, but today they literally rang the doorbell over 7 times and it makes my dog go insane. I have a sign on the door that says not to ring the bell or knock because the baby is sleeping.
The boy (11) also keeps putting glass shards on my husband’s motorcycle and knocking stuff down in our front yard. But man the ding d**g ditching is getting to me, like shut uppppp and go away. These kids are ALWAYS outside too, I feel like the parents either don’t care what they’re doing or just don’t have a clue.
I just want it to stop.”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk. Although, you could always start by knocking on the door of their home and trying to have a talk with the parents first. But you’re under no obligation to do so.
Just be wary that you might be poking a hornet’s nest if their parents, your neighbors, become aggressive from what they will most likely see as an “unnecessary” level of escalation. However, I really think the bigger focus should be that they’re putting glass shards on your husband’s motorcycle.
The disturbance is annoying, but it seems like that kid is intending for your husband to get hurt.” SupermarketNeat4033
Another User Comments:
“Amazon has really cheap wireless outdoor cameras if your wifi reaches to your yard. I have a battery-powered one that I keep connected to a power bank.
It’s hidden in a black grow bag/flower pot with an artificial plant. I cut the side of the grow bag to make space for the camera’s lens and motion sensor. I covered the red recording light with black tape.
Once you have video of these brats for a day, then call the cops. You’re not the jerk to protect your own home and belongings! If there is a community social media site, post a still of them showing their vandalism as a warning for others.” Garden_Lady2
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. When ding d**g ditch is every hour, then it’s too much. I would knock on the parents’ door and tell them. They need to know what the kids are doing. Plus, the glass shards on the motorcycle is troubling.
You have an infant that is being constantly woken. Telling the parents about the waking infant, and the potential damage to your property is reasonable. It’s one thing to ding d**g ditch, it’s another to intentionally set b***y traps for people where they can get hurt, on their own property.
If the parents don’t respond, then tell the police and ask to file a nuisance complaint.” SubstantialQuit2653
18. AITJ For Being Upset That My MIL Cooks For My Kids Without Asking?
“Hubby (33M) and I (38F) and our 4 kids (14M, 12M, 10F, and 9 months F) live with MIL. Several other family members live here as well. To state from the jump, we are not freeloaders.
The current arrangement is we pay half the mortgage and all of the household bills. MIL pays the rest out of the rent paid by other household members. We don’t live here because we are broke or need someone to take care of us.
We have simply had a lot of roadblocks to owning our own home stemming from his prior divorce and his ex-wife wrecking his almost perfect (at the time) credit. Also notable is that we have spent several thousands of dollars of savings meant for our own home on maintenance and repairs on MIL’s house.
We also (obviously) provide all food, clothing, toiletries, etc that the kids need.
Now to my complaint. Since the birth of our baby (my first child), I have been a SAHM, as the job I had at the time would not have covered daycare.
As it’s summer break, the kids are home every day as well, and ahead of every shopping trip, I ask them what simple breakfast and lunch options they want me to pick up for the week. I do this to give them options I know they will eat and that they can assemble for themselves.
I cook dinner for us all every night, but for breakfasts and lunches, they can make their own choices. They are all capable of making sandwiches, using a microwave, and my 14-year-old can do simple things like fry eggs on the stove.
I feel they need to learn this independence and it lightens my load because the baby takes a lot of attention.
The problem I am running into is that apropos of nothing, without asking me the kids what our plans are, if they are hungry, if they want what she is making, MIL will just cook something, plate it, and hand it to the kids wherever they happen to be.
Rest assured, I know what my kids eat and when, I keep them on a pretty consistent schedule, the same as I do with the baby. So what she is doing I feel like it undermines me in as much that it seems like she thinks I don’t make sure they eat.
She is also taking away their choices of the food they specifically asked for, and also is reinforcing them being lazy (which is also a thing she complains about) by not at least asking them to get up and plate their own.
She also gets angry if they don’t eat what she gives them. I have talked to Hubs about it and he says “she just wants to feel useful.” I just feel there are so many other ways she could be useful without undermining my parenting choices.
I realize this is a cultural thing (his family is Hispanic) but I also feel like that doesn’t entitle someone to cross boundaries. I could make 800 posts on other things she and I butt heads on, but this is just the current thing that is really bugging me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“This is what happens when you live in multi-generational homes. If you want to enforce these boundaries, then get your own place. It is what it is. Your MIL is just being an abuela. Also, what is that bad about them eating a hot breakfast?
It’s not reinforcing laziness, it’s just giving kids a nice meal. YTJ for making this way bigger than it needs to be.” growsonwalls
Another User Comments:
“Omg the horror my mother-in-law is cooking for my family. And that is undermining my parenting because feeding people is evil.
That’s what you sound like. Grow up. The only reason she bothers you is because while you might be paying for things and you can’t move out because it’s everyone else’s fault but your own. Your husband has bad credit because of his ex-wife, you don’t want to work, but you’re willing to complain about everything.
What other things do you butt heads about? Does she not use the right fabric softener in the laundry? Is she not vacuuming in the right order? Even though you’re paying it is still her house. She’s being a grandmother and enjoying cooking for people.
She probably loves having a full house and this is her love language. Stop finding problems in nothing. YTJ.” Even_Enthusiasm7223
Another User Comments:
“YTJ it’s an extended family household and she’s doing what people who live in those situations do (esp when it’s part of their culture).
When she cooks, she covers everyone. Sounds like you’re quite happy to live there and only cook for yourself, husband, and kids. You can’t want to live there (who cares why and all your blaming of the ex and what you pay now or not – you live there!) and live like you and your husband are in a nuclear family unit.
You’re not – it’s an extended family situation and compromises are necessary. Maybe pull another example from the 800 to establish crossing boundaries but this one makes YTJ for me. Also, she’s not doing it to undermine you. Maybe work with her on meal planning but let me repeat this – you cannot want to live in people’s homes (whether you contribute or not) and live there as an island.
It seems that is what you want and if you have 800 posts leave the woman’s home please.” Kami_Sang
17. AITJ For Refusing To Babysit My Brother's 10 Kids During Our Family Vacation?
“I (19f) have a brother I’ll name Cheese (30). I go on vacation every year with my family but recently, Cheese and his wife had another kid (they have 10 now) and every year they want me to ‘take care of the kids so they can rest’.
I can’t handle 10 kids so, I told my family I’m not going due to the fact my brother makes me look after his kids. Cheese screamed at me for not caring about my nieces and nephews. Then his wife had a temper tantrum about divorce ( I have no idea why, but every time Cheese gets mad she cries about divorce).
I ended up going to my room but I can’t stop thinking about it. Should I go?
For those wondering how they can afford the 10 kids, they both make 100k+ a year.
These are the ages of the kids, I don’t know why some of them need to be babysat: 15, 13, 13 (twins), 12, 11, 11 (twins again) 9, 7, 4, 3, 0.5.”
Another User Comments:
“Most daycares these days won’t even allow 10 kids, especially if someone is running an at-home daycare. To watch 10 kids at a time in my area, anybody’s wallet would be absolutely hurting. However, I’m certain most people would see “10 kids” and just keep scrolling no matter what the rest said.
If you don’t want to take care of your kids, stop having them. I understand people want “breaks”, but at the end of the day, you cannot force someone to take care of the children that YOU chose to either have or be responsible for.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ how many people are going on this vacation? Say you will go but first a schedule will be decided on and child care duties will be divided up among every adult 18 and older. For example, if there are 6 people age 18 and older.
Give Cheese and his wife 40% of the childcare duties (which is only 20% per parent) and each of the other 4 adults 15% each. That means Cheese and his wife will still get 60% of the time off with no kids. The other adults can even pair up in twos to watch all 10 together for 30% of the time.
Make sure the schedule is done before you go and that you are not stuck babysitting during all the main events such as shows or tours, everyone should have to miss something. Stick to the schedule and don’t back down or give in to more babysitting than you are scheduled for.
Maybe once the others see how much fun it is to babysit 10 kids, they will be more understanding of why you don’t want to do it full time.” Free_Science_1091
Another User Comments:
“They need to stop having kids.
Also, they are the jerks. I hate how some people with kids expect other adults to care for them. You wanted 10 kids.. you better be able to care for and afford them. That means getting a professional babysitter.. not trying to exploit or manipulate family and friends.
I don’t think you should have to miss vacation either. I’d still go, but set clear expectations and boundaries that you will not be looking after any kids.” Julie7678
16. AITJ For Not Wanting To Take My Mom's Puppy Despite Her Legal Troubles?
“My mom recently helped me and my wife purchase a house and has always helped financially if I have needed anything. I feel this is important to state for what is to come!
We are from the US but I live in Europe. My mom moved back over here about 2 years ago to be closer to me and the grandchildren.
She has always had animals and cared very well for them, like EXTREMELY well.
Most of the time the dogs and cats have lived to around 16-18 years old. Anyway, when she came here she went to the vet with her very old dog, like around 16-17 at the time. They treat vet care here a little differently than in the US and considering a lot of the problems the dog had they didn’t want to treat the dog and instead advised her to euthanize it due to quality of life etc.
Obviously, she didn’t agree, So fast forward some time and several different vets complaining to the authorities about the quality of life of her dog and they came and took the dog and euthanized it.
(I have to add her dog was just very old, she treated that dog like a princess and this is not a post about “animal cruelty” so please don’t focus too much on that.)
So anyway she was devastated and thought about leaving the country we live in to go back to the US but ended up staying and getting a new puppy.
But the authorities now have prosecuted her on the grounds of animal cruelty (I honestly don’t agree with this) but it is what is.
Now she is gonna leave because they will take her animals if they find that she owns any. So she now wants us to take her puppy and cat (the cat I am fine with) for an unspecified amount of time until she figures everything out and if she is gonna stay in Europe or move back to the US.
My problem is this, we have two small children (a 3-year-old and a 7-month-old baby) and we also have a teenage daughter, she obviously has her own life and is out and about with friends and at times comes home late.
When my mom has visited us and had the dog with her, my daughter has woken up the dog when coming home and then the dog starts barking until it wakes up the whole house. We all feel that taking in a puppy is too much of an ask, we feel we don’t have the time to actually take care of it and don’t want the extra responsibility, considering we both work and the rest of the time is spent on the kids.
Adding a puppy to the equation is like having another small child.
My mom says she always helps me when I need it, although I can honestly say that it’s no more than I consider is normal when it comes to helping family.
She says I am ungrateful and it’s messed up I won’t help her in this situation.
My wife and teenage daughter don’t think it’s wrong of me to say no to my mom, but I want to hear from people who don’t know me if I am the jerk for not wanting to take the dog??”
Another User Comments:
“First off, don’t beat yourself up for feeling overwhelmed. Taking care of young children, working, and managing a household is already a full plate. Adding a puppy, especially one that needs a lot of attention and training, is a huge ask.
It’s not just about the barking and waking up the house; it’s about the time, energy, and consistency that a young dog requires. It’s like you said, it’s almost like having another small child. Your mom’s situation is really unfortunate, and it must be incredibly hard for her too.
She’s facing a lot of emotional and legal stress, and she’s looking to you for help because you’re her rock. That shows how much she trusts and relies on you, but it doesn’t mean you have to shoulder more than you can handle.” TranslatorAny4489
Another User Comments:
“Info: I’m not understanding why your mother didn’t listen to the authorities to the point where she is getting prosecuted? What was going on? I also don’t understand why she got another puppy while being in legal trouble for animal cruelty and not allowed to have any more animals (as of now at least)?
If you move to another country, whether you like it or not you have to follow the law. Regarding your actual question, it really sounds absolutely overwhelming taking in a puppy which is basically like another small child. It’s going to take a lot of time and effort and you have to be able to actually provide that for the puppy.
(I really don’t understand why she would get one, knowing she might not be able to keep it, and then give it away for some of the most labor-intensive parts of having a puppy.) Is there any other available solution?
Are there neighbors who would love to have a puppy for a time? Foster homes? Have you made friends there that might be happy to be temporary puppy owners?” Thoughtsinturmoil
Another User Comments:
“I love dogs, but in my situation/time of life, I just couldn’t take responsibility for a new puppy and the reality is OP, neither can you.
Cats are way more self-sustaining, dogs & puppies particularly just aren’t! Plus, let’s be blunt about this, the timeline issue is just nonsense, in as much as your mum either isn’t going to come back or very likely is on the brink of being banned from keeping dogs (and maybe animals full stop).
On that point, I know you don’t agree that your mum was being cruel, OP, but the reality is that her vet said to euthanize the previous dog as did ‘several different vets’. The reality is that, whether you believe it or not, if the combined wisdom of all those vets was to put Fido out of their misery, your mum wasn’t being fair to the animal, just as she is being unfair to you now.
If she stays in that country, she faces a prosecution she most likely will not win and that dog is going nowhere. You cannot take it and you are NTJ! By throwing back at you everything she had done, with no regard for the situation you and your wife/family are in, the only jerk in the piece is obvious…” Ambitious-Border-906
15. AITJ For Choosing In-Person Grad School Over My Long-Distance Relationship?
“My (22F) partner (30M) and I have been together for 8 months. Met during my senior year at undergrad and for the last 1-2 months we have been long-distance due to my school.
When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long-distance, we argue nearly every day. Note that my grad school is about 3-4 hours away driving from where he resides.
During my senior year, I applied and got accepted into a Master’s program at my dream school.
I had wanted to go there since my freshman year of college and wanted to go to make my family proud too. I knew that grad school is what I need personally to learn and be able to succeed more in my future career.
My parents had encouraged me to focus on wrapping up my undergrad and job applications as opposed to getting financial assistance as they would do their best to help, which I have always been very grateful for.
I made this clear to my partner and he was ok with that for a while.
Until my parents didn’t approve of our relationship and said some hurtful things to me about how I am as a person and who they believe he is as well. They had threatened to disown me at one point and that they will withdraw financial support.
As a result, my partner and I looked into alternate options and thought I could still go to that school, but get my degree online instead and go with him and get a full-time job where he is at after the summer is over.
I was completely on board with that until my family came around and told me that even though they don’t like my partner, they will still financially support me for my school. This made it hard for me because I want to be close to my partner, but I also want to go to school in person.
Online classes are not that great for me I feel like as I tend to not learn as much. However, I felt that maybe I could learn more if I had a full-time job with it, if that makes sense.
My partner was pushing for me to go online as long distance is hard on us and he wants us to be close together.
When talking to friends about the situation, all of them told me repeatedly to not choose my partner over school, that this school was what I always wanted to go in person to, that going in person is better than online, and that I’m just starting my life careerwise.
I even talked to my partner’s mom and she said to pick what makes me happy and to not go based on what her son (my partner) would like as a relationship. She said that he would follow where I go regardless of what I pick.
As a result, I ended up picking to go in person to grad school.
Telling my partner this was not easy, but I told him a couple of days ago. He was not very happy about this but said that he would do his best to work things out with the distance.
However, he would say from time to time that I am choosing distance over us and that I could have made things better if I just took the alternate route of just going online instead.
AITJ for choosing education in person over going online and being close to my partner?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. And I cannot stress this enough: if he was “the one” he would not care about distance and would support you following your dreams and chosen path/goals. If he can’t come around to this, you’re dodging a bullet now.
I promise, there is not a single solitary woman who regretted prioritizing her dreams and career over a man she dated for less than a year in her 20s. There are plenty of women who deeply regret prioritizing a relationship over their goals.
Also, major red flag that he’s substantially older than you and behaving so immaturely about it. I could see a 20-something boy having a reaction like this, but a man in his 30s doesn’t understand why dreams/goals do and should trump this relationship?
I’m not going to pretend to know your situation, but if your friends and family, who do know and love you and want what’s best for you, are telling you to go to grad school, then you should really give some credence to that.
It seems like everyone, including YOU, want you to go to your dream school. Your partner is the only one with an issue. It seems like he’s insistent on you sacrificing a huge opportunity for him, but can’t handle long distance for a short term?
Yikes.” judithpoint
Another User Comments:
“You get that him being 8 years older than you while acting younger than you is a major red flag right? There’s a reason he doesn’t go out with women his age (they won’t put up with his nonsense).
“When we are together, we get along great, but when we are long distance, we argue nearly every day.” After just 8 months? That’s not a good relationship. Do not give up the plan you’ve had for years for a walking red flag you’ve known for 8 months.
Use the distance to examine if this relationship is really working for you. NTJ.” ApprehensiveBook4214
Another User Comments:
“Don’t derail your plans that are years in the making for some guy 8 years your senior, who you’ve been seeing under a year, who argues with you if you’re not giving him in-person attention each day.
Why is he okay asking you to go “the alternate route” to save the relationship, when he’s not looking into jobs near your dream school for the sake of the relationship? If he really wants to be with you, and being together in the same city is a priority, how come YOU are the one who has to compromise on your plans for the next few years, instead of him?
NTJ.” [deleted]
14. AITJ For Skipping My Cousin's Baby Shower Due To Being Sick?
“I have a cousin who is currently pregnant with her first child. Her baby shower was 3 days ago and I couldn’t go. To explain: I work as a teacher and got a stomach bug from school that I also passed on to my husband.
Both of us went to the doctor and he advised us not to go as it could be contagious. I informed my other cousin of the situation and told her that we would not be coming due to us being sick.
She then told me that I don’t know how to put family first and I always pretend that I care about them (I am at every event when we are able to go) and seem to only care about myself.
My cousin who is pregnant later called me to say I am a jerk for not attending and my reasoning is nonsense (I even sent them a photo of the doctor’s letter we received for work) and that I just can’t accept the fact that she can have kids and I can’t (I have fertility issues and we have been trying for 3 years).
So AITJ for skipping the baby shower?”
Another User Comments:
“OP, obviously YTJ for not going to the family gathering with the pregnant lady where you could have passed along your, (probably, according to the doctor), contagious stomach bug and made everyone there sick as a dog just so you could show your face at a gift grab event.
Sure, let’s go with that. NTJ. You had a legitimate reason to not go to the baby shower. Your cousin needs to get over herself, the world does not revolve around her and her belly, and an invitation is not a summons.” YouthNAsia63
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Almost my entire family once got knocked down for three days with a stomach bug, including my grandmother passing out and being hospitalized for IV fluids because one person came to a birthday lunch with a stomach bug.
Even though the originally sick person (teenager, not responsible for any of the food) spent the entire gathering feeling sorry for herself in the bathroom, 8 other people got varying degrees of unwell, and this was a gathering of 4 households for about 3 hours total. You have a stomach bug (or any bugs) you are absolutely right to stay home and keep that stuff to yourself!” Fine-for-now
13. AITJ For Being Fed Up With My Spouse's Unemployment?
“I (33F) have been with my spouse (44M) for 9 years. We both have a child from a previous marriage and a 20-month-old baby together. Our relationship has always been stressful, but we typically only fight about finances. We met in 2016 working together shortly after he was laid off from a well-paying job.
He shared that being laid off impacted him deeply.
In April 2017 he was laid off from this job too. I was going to school for a double master’s and working two part-time/freelance jobs at the time. I moved in with him in August 2017 and began supporting the household.
He landed a contractor position at a highly sought-after company but without benefits. He was depressed and began self-medicating all day. Eventually, I encouraged him to make a change since he was feeling depressed, so he quit to pursue his own thing.
I graduated in 2018 and got a job at my dream company, but the paycheck didn’t cover the entire financial burden alone, so I continued working side jobs to make ends meet. I had a medical emergency and temporarily left my dream company, but I still had to work freelance.
This led to me being poached by an Oil and Gas company offering a higher paycheck. I started working FT Dec. 2019. This was a huge career shift and provided no job satisfaction. After three months on the job, our children didn’t return to school, so my husband became their surrogate teacher from the second half of kindergarten through all of 1st grade.
My job required me to still come to the office.
Ultimately, our family got sick and he was hospitalized. The bill was 10k, so I worked even more part-time jobs to pay it off. I didn’t want him to get sick again and he was teaching our children, so I reasoned that it was appropriate that he not work at this time, although I was really struggling, busting my butt and missing my kids.
Fast forward to 2024, I’m still working the job I hate. He still hasn’t worked because we had a baby in 2022. I want to put her in daycare and he return to work, but he is resistant and feels unsupported emotionally.
I cannot afford daycare without supplemental income, so I need him to commit to and actually get a job, but the conversation always results in a fight. All I am asking is that he get a part-time job. He has had no income since 2018 and I have worked nonstop.
He feels controlled and not believed in, but I feel unsupported and taken advantage of. I have four degrees and I am a disabled veteran. He doesn’t have a degree and feels like he has no skills. He has ADD and is not medicated.
This is ancillary, but I am also hurt that I spent my whole life dedicated to my career path just to give it up to support another adult. I don’t want him to suffer because I am suffering, but it feels a way that he won’t even look for work because it is, “depressing” when I suffering now.
We are in therapy, but it hasn’t gone anywhere beyond him saying, “I’ll get a job if you need me to get a job.” AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ here, but you do have to recognize that you’ve essentially created a comfy life for him.
If he can see you struggle daily with part-time jobs and paying the bills, but when pressed to help he’ll “get a job if you need him to” is such a cop-out it’s almost funny. Also, ADD/ADHD is not an excuse for watching your partner drown.
I’m in a relationship where we both have similar symptoms, but work is work. If he wanted to, he would. I really hope that this gives you the confidence to realize that you and your family deserve better. Also, 11 years difference?
He’s too grown to be acting like that.” rubyfinest
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I struggled with being jobless for less than a year, but it affected and ended an engagement. My ex’s dad reached out to me and told me that he had his own business that he lost in 2008.
Since then, he worked odd jobs, did Lyft/uber, worked retail, etc. to make ends meet. He told me “sometimes you have to do a job you hate/sucks/is beneath you because you need money and it’s just a thing that has to be done.” It’s wonderful that he has the luxury to find the job hunt depressing, but it’s the real world.
He’s got to get off his butt and do something (ANYTHING) to make money, beneath him or not. This is a hard thing, and if things don’t improve soon don’t hold out hope that he’s suddenly going to figure it out.
Protect yourself and your kid’s futures if he isn’t going to actively contribute.” MidwestPanic69
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ. You are choosing this life with him. You even chose to have a baby with him. You are enabling his no-work lifestyle.
Put your pay in a separate account and pay only what needs to be paid to survive. No luxuries for him. Just the basics. He has to feel the need for something to motivate him. Sit down and cut all the fat from your budget.
Save as much as you can in YOUR account. Once you have cut your expenses, if you can change jobs to have one you will enjoy, do so. Keep your money in YOUR account. At some point, he will want money and will have to go to work.
If he doesn’t, you will have to decide how much longer you want to be with someone who is refusing to work. NTJ but make your husband face up to who is financing the family/his lifestyle.” hadMcDofordinner
12. AITJ For Scaling Back Mother's Day Celebrations Due To Mom's Emotional Absence?
“Growing up, my dad stayed at home while my mom worked. While my mom financially provided for my sister and myself, she was emotionally hands-off.
She came to a ballet recital here and there but didn’t want to help with homework, didn’t want to listen when we needed advice, etc. Our dad did 95% of the emotional labor. I later found out from my mom that my dad was the one who wanted kids.
She loved her career and didn’t mind providing financially but she did not want to do any of the stuff related to raising us outside of that. I am very grateful she provided for us financially, but I do admit it hurts that she wasn’t there when we needed her.
She was physically present but not emotionally present.
To be clear, the arrangement was my mother’s idea, not my father’s. That being said, I do agree that my father was equally as selfish for making this arrangement.
My dad always did grand gestures for her.
Mother’s Day was always a big deal with a huge brunch, flowers, and gifts. She was spoiled. She did nothing for him on Father’s Day. He had to do everything for himself until my sister and I were old enough to do stuff for him.
I get that was the arrangement they had but I know it made my dad sad. I once asked why he didn’t get the same hoopla our mom got and he just sadly said “Father’s Day isn’t as important as Mother’s Day.”
As adults, my sister and I have tried to rectify it. We do Father’s Day up big and our dad loves it. We grill for him just as he taught us and throw a huge BBQ with some other family members.
However, we’ve turned Mother’s Day very lowkey. We still celebrate our mom but she usually gets a quiet lunch at a restaurant of her choice and a few gifts. After my mom ended up skipping my sister’s baby shower this year because “she didn’t see the big deal with someone having a baby”, my sister wanted to do nothing for her.
We sent gifts but spent Mother’s Day with each other, our husbands, and our own kids.
My mom told us after Father’s Day that she was hurt we hadn’t done more for her in recent years. I said that since she put in almost no emotional labor into raising us, we are putting none into her.
She said that our father and I had an agreement. I pointed out that yes, but we never agreed to it and it wasn’t fair that we grew up with an emotionally absent mother who didn’t want us. And to be fair, we have had this conversation with our dad as well and he admits it wasn’t fair to us either.
I also said if she didn’t want kids, then why should she be celebrated as a mom?
My mom is upset with both of us and called us ungrateful brats. My dad feels bad for her but supports our choice.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Even disregarding how you all were raised and your parents’ agreement about that, you’re adults now and your mom is still not giving either of you any care. She can’t be bothered to attend her daughter’s baby shower but thinks you all should make a fuss over her for Mother’s Day.
Nope, not how that works. I would give her as much energy as she gives you. Which would free up a lot of your time, money, and energy. NTJ.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“The question isn’t really “AITJ”. The question really is, do you want to move forward with an adult relationship with your mother?
What is past is past. There’s no need for tit-for-tat. This isn’t to say that your mother deserves or not deserves a spectacular Mother’s Day celebration. To move forward, ask if you want to have a relationship with your mother and if so, what would you like that to look like.
You might want to open that question to your mother too. I think it’s fair not to play pretend during Mother’s Day and be forced to recognize her with more emotional oompf than you want, but sounds like there’s something deeper going on.” msackeygh
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mom is a bit delusional for expecting you two to do more for her than she is willing to do for you. Like if she doesn’t value motherhood why should you? Seems like she “raised” you well in that regard lol that being said, I personally would not have let your dad off the hook as much as it seems like you two have.
I mean I get being glad to be alive and all but he remains happily married to a woman who emotionally neglected(s) you… and instead of helping you process and understand the relationship that he knowingly agreed to have in that specific way so that you didn’t experience unnecessary pain, he put you in situations to be repeatedly rejected by her.
I don’t like that.” wurldeater
11. AITJ For Getting My Daughter's Dog Spayed Without Her Consent?
“My daughter and I have been living together ever since I had her. She’s currently 23 years old and works full time, while I work remotely.
When she was a kid she always wanted a dog but I never bought her one because I think children don’t understand the full responsibility of owning a dog or any kind of pet and I did not feel like taking care of one.
I had a change of heart when she turned 19 years old and worked a part-time job and could afford a potential vet bill. I surprised her with a little female mutt puppy for her birthday and she has been in love with her dog ever since.
It made me happy to see my daughter happy with her dog she’s been asking for since she was a child, but there is just one issue. When the puppy matured she started going into heat (aka bleeding everywhere).
I didn’t think this was going to be a problem since I assumed my daughter was going to get her fixed. (There was no intention to breed her either) When I brought up the question about getting her dog fixed she quickly shot me down and said she’s not going to get her fixed. I asked her why, and she told me that she doesn’t want to put her dog through that pain and that she doesn’t trust the veterinarians where we live.
I told her I understood.
Fast forward 4 years and the dog bleeds everywhere every time she goes into heat. For those of you who have never owned a female dog, they bleed for 2-3 weeks. It’s really annoying and it is starting to become disgusting when her dog goes into heat.
My daughter doesn’t clean up after her dog’s b***d and doesn’t offer to put a diaper on her either. They make diapers for dogs, especially for this situation. Her dog bleeds all over the floor, on the carpet, on the couch, and since the dog goes everywhere I have even found b***d stains on my bed and on my pillows.
I am irritated by the neglectfulness of my daughter for not cleaning the b***d, or putting a diaper on her dog but still refuses to get her fixed. I had explained my frustration about this issue and she still refused to get her dog fixed.
Since I work remotely, I took her dog to the vet and got her fixed while my daughter was at work. She came home and noticed her dog was acting a bit off and saw the incision mark. I told her I got her dog fixed since she didn’t listen to my concerns.
The dog is ok and is perfectly healthy to this day and recovered quickly. She yelled and cursed at me for doing it behind her back, she claims she is looking for a new place to live, she hasn’t talked to me in months since it happened. Am I in the wrong for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Getting your animals fixed is an extremely important part of owning animals, especially dogs or cats. Shelters are already overrun with animals and in the event her pet were to make it out the front door or something, even on accident, it results in 8-12 puppies with nowhere to go.
If a pregnancy goes wrong her dog may die. If proper veterinary care for pets is ignored, there are so many dangers you introduce to your household. B***d (especially menstrual b***d) is also considered a biohazard!! Anesthesia for pets is typically used for surgeries like neutering and spaying too, in terms of the pain her dog would undergo.
Prescription pain meds are also available if the dog shows signs of distress. NTJ!” Asuka_fangirl
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – it’s irresponsible to own a pet and not spay/neuter them. Yes, it’s her dog but you could have laid firm boundaries that If she doesn’t spay her dog she needs to clean the b***d or the dog will be rehomed or she can move out and let the dog bleed where she lives not that you don’t love her but she needs to be responsible since its unhygienic, disgusting, and ruins property.
She should have been a better owner, there are enough dogs in animal shelters all it takes is one accident where the dog runs out to get pregnant.” DismalTrifle2975
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, also her dog needs regular vet checkups, yearly shots, and monthly flea and tick drops.
Raised around dogs my entire life, currently have a Chihuahua Shih Tzu mix and a Yorkie poo. Also to assume a person can afford a dog on a part-time job at 19 is ridiculous. Dogs ARE expensive, especially for vet fees to keep them healthy and dog food.
My Chihuahua developed thyroid problems so he takes a daily thyroid tablet and occasionally cortisone tablets for his skin. Both dogs are on expensive limited ingredient dog food a 12-pound bag is 76 dollars a month here in Canada including tax.
Of course as the parent you need to step in to fix the dog you must realize now how expensive getting a dog fixed can be. I hope you will take her dog to the vet to ensure she is inoculated as well.
She also needs a yearly heartworm test. Also if the dog needs grooming not to mention the nail clipping.” Any-Beautiful2976
10. AITJ For Sharing Screenshots Of My Wife's Texts With My Parents?
“A few months ago, my mother-in-law started drinking heavily and my wife was struggling to cope with the situation. I suggested that she should seek guidance from my parents. My mom was very concerned and tried to come up with ways to help her.
She then suggested that my wife and her brother talk to their mom and try to help her. I thought it was a good idea, so I texted this suggestion to my wife while I was at the office.
However, my wife’s family prefers to avoid discussing issues and tends to let things resolve on their own. My wife didn’t appreciate me asking her to talk to her brother and got upset with me. Frustrated, I shared the argument with my mom and decided to leave the issue alone.
Today, my wife went through my phone and found the screenshots of our argument. She’s upset with me for sending them to my mom, saying that it’s airing dirty laundry. I don’t see a problem with sharing this with my parents, especially since my wife had already discussed the matter with them.
Even after talking to my wife, I still feel that I had the right to discuss the topic with my parents.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I don’t know if you’re completely clueless but this is a major breach of trust (the screenshots).
I think you think your actions were innocent because you’re trying to help your wife but they’re not. You needed to speak with your wife about this more first before you brought in your brother and your mother. This isn’t their business until your wife decides it is, it’s her mother.
Listen, I adore my MIL but if I found out my husband sent screenshots of our texts to her, especially those from a disagreement, I’d be furious. Stop running to your mother and talk with your wife.” Trippedwire48
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for sharing your wife’s private texts with ANYONE without her consent, especially with your mommy. What are you, 12? But also, many many many people do not want to talk to their in-laws about their own personal issues or their family’s dynamics like this.
It’s so inappropriate to do that to your wife and not take no for an answer. Do you like her or respect her at all? Why is your way better than hers considering you’re oversharing with your family, and you and your mom are being overbearing, and you’re only doing what you want not what your wife needs.
Get help – you need it.” friendlily
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You didn’t send screenshots of y’all discussing the topic your mom already knew about. You sent screenshots of a private argument between you and your wife. Those are two different things.
Your wife is rightly upset because you did air your dirty laundry (aka your argument) to people not (and who shouldn’t be) involved in your argument. Your wife is now probably going to have issues discussing things with you because she will always wonder if you’re going to run and tell Mommy, which could then lead to you pitting your family against her.
You need to apologize to your wife and let her know you won’t do it again because it comes down to the fact you weren’t sharing information your mom already knew; you were sharing an argument, which could be seen as “see what I have to put up with?” Or “why is she acting this way?” Think of it like this because this is what you ultimately did: It’s like you get in an argument with one best friend and don’t realize what you’ve done wrong/think you’ve done nothing wrong, so you run to your other best friend to vent, talk trash, and receive validation for your point of view.
When in reality, you should have just kept your mouth shut and talked it out with the best friend you got into an argument with to understand their point of view, not bring an uninvolved 3rd party into the argument.
You do realize your mom knowing your wife’s reaction and reading your argument with your wife now puts your mom in a precarious and awkward position, right?” Bookishrhetor
But no you an mommy talked you passed the message wife rightly objected to you both discussing HER MOM behind her back and then to put the cherry on the sundae you then shared you and wife’s argument with mummy via text!!!! Of course your the jerk apologise fast
9. AITJ For Not Enforcing My Partner's Noise Rules On My Kids?
“I am in a long-term relationship and living with my partner.
I am a father of 2 teens and they do not primarily live with us.
When they come over my partner has really struggled with them being here.
I’ve tried to do whatever I can to accommodate both sides, and it’s honestly exhausting sometimes.
This week both kids have been staying with us for the summer.
My partner loves the normal quiet and finds them being in the house to be disruptive.
In my opinion, they are not generally loud kids but I know as their parent I’ve grown to tolerate a base level of noise that my partner has not.
To her, they stomp, chew too loudly, open and close too many doors too loudly, talk at high volumes, and especially use their devices too loudly.
For example, my kids have phones, and watch videos on their phones, mostly at low volume or with headphones but if they are alone, sometimes just at normal volume.
She corrects them and asks them to mute it or wear headphones when out in a shared space (or even lower the volume when they are in another room but it’s still audible).
The thing is it bothers her, but not me. So when she’s not around, I don’t correct that kind of behavior the way she would if she was there. I literally don’t care if they want to listen to music in the living room because I like it too.
I want everyone to get along, and I want her to feel comfortable. But she’s asking me to make parenting choices I otherwise don’t agree with. She says that by not doing that, I don’t support her. She says that we aren’t presenting a unified front and that it isolates her as the “controlling” one and makes me seem like the “fun” parent.
So am I the jerk for not telling my kids to be more quiet when it’s just us in the house?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ not sure how long you have been with this partner or how old she is, but she’s unprepared to deal with any kids if all these little things are so troubling to her and necessitate her making and enforcing what essentially amounts to silence.
This does not make a comfortable environment for you or your teens. You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. It’s sad that she is trying to drive a wedge between you and your kids and what will result is driving a wedge between you and her.” many_hobbies_gal
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is impossible to live a quiet life with children. If they are not being destructive and disrespectful then they are being normal teenagers. Sounds like you need to have a sit-down conversation and re-evaluate your relationship.
There may be other issues that are not being voiced. Your teens are an important part of your life and your partner can either learn to deal with that or move on to a partner that doesn’t have kids.
There’s no reason why your teens should feel uncomfortable or out of place in their home. And yes your home is your kids’ home too. They shouldn’t be feeling like they are stepping on eggshells.” Over-Equivalent-9649
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your teens don’t primarily live with you and your partner. So, she isn’t a parent. You are the parent. If you don’t mind what YOUR kids do in your house, then she has no say to parent. If the house is shared with her and your name on the lease, then that is different.
You need to compromise on rules for the teens and for yourselves. For example, if you make a rule about having to use headphones in shared spaces unless it’s on the TV, then you and your partner have to also follow that rule or it seems unfair to your teens.” s********h
8. AITJ For Not Formally Inviting My New Husband To My Son's Graduation?
“My husband and I met and married within 6 months so now I’ve been married just under a year (about 1.5 years total relationship time). I have two children from a prior relationship, a son (18M) and a daughter (22F).
My son lives primarily with us and my daughter is out of the home. My ex and I have not been in a relationship for a decade.
My son’s graduation from high school only came with 4 tickets. He chose to invite both parents, his previously mentioned sister, and another half-sister from his father.
My husband verbalized to me repeatedly that he felt like he should be invited because my son lives primarily with us. I think he shouldn’t have expected a ticket because there were people closer to my son who couldn’t attend such as grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins.
For an after-graduation celebration, my ex organized dinner reservations for 5 to celebrate my son. My ex did not include my husband. They do not know each other very well except for an occasional hello. My ex has no opinion positive or negative about my husband as I don’t really talk to him unless it’s about the kids.
My husband on the other hand does not like my ex. He gets upset at every phone call, text, or drop-off. My husband thought he should be invited to the graduation dinner and was very verbal to me about attending the dinner without him, so I made an additional reservation to include him.
Honestly, I did not want him to come as it would have been very awkward having him there sulking and making conversations about himself when it should have been about my son.
Graduation day came and he was persistently texting me for updates, pictures, and even asked who I was sitting next to.
I sent pictures when I could but didn’t answer his questions because I thought it was unnecessary ( I was not sitting next to the ex btw). He was in a bitter mood all day so I communicated the least as possible so I could enjoy my son’s day.
He did not come to the graduation dinner because he felt that I “should have formally invited him” and he “would never go out to dinner without me”.
I finally got frustrated and told him that the celebration is not about him and to get over it.
But he keeps bringing up that I hurt him and I don’t have any empathy because I don’t understand his pain of being left home while we went to celebrate. I feel like his complaint is more about me interacting with my ex rather than attending the graduation.
AITJ for not formally inviting him?
Also add that he has a 13-year-old son who lives with us primarily. Also, when I did not answer promptly about who I was sitting next to, he texted my daughter to send a picture of the dinner table to see the seating arrangements.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! Your son has known your husband for less than 2 years. Did he have any choice about who he lives with? I’m just saying, you brought this man into your life very quickly and he probably didn’t have a choice where he would be living.
He doesn’t owe you or your husband gratitude for providing him with a place to live. His graduation was not about your husband and yet he tried to make it about him. And to ask your daughter for a picture of the seating arrangements is a huge red flag.
Good luck being married to this guy and it wasn’t up to you to invite him; if your son wanted him there, he would have found another ticket. NTJ for not inviting him but wrong for putting up with his trying to make you feel like you are one.
You did right by your son.” Powerful_Ad_1239
Another User Comments:
“Your decision to marry quickly isn’t proving to be a good one. Your husband is jealous and probably a host of other things which you can speak to better than anyone.
The question you need to ask yourself is, is this who you truly want to spend the rest of your life with? What happens when there’s a wedding, or birth of a child, or other major life events that your kids have that he isn’t included in because they don’t have a relationship that warrants including him?
Will he be upset because you stood as mother of the bride next 2 people over from her dad in wedding photos? Will he raise a stink because you’re referred to as Nana and your ex Pop Pop in the same sentence at birthday parties for the grandkids?
This man seems unhinged. NTJ.” Winter_Raisin_591
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your son had limited options of who he could ask to the graduation ceremony and he chose to invite those he was closest to, which is to be expected. The dinner was not your party – it was your ex’s party and he didn’t include your husband.
I agree that was a jerk move on the ex’s part, but as a guest, you didn’t have the option of adding your husband. That your husband kicked up such a stink with you over all of this is majorly concerning.
And reading your comments that this is common behavior for him is red flag territory. I think your relationship with Hubs needs a really hard look. This is controlling behavior, which is so unhealthy and not good at all for your children to be around much less you.
Hubs needs therapy big time. I hope he gets it and learns how to be a healthy partner. I wouldn’t hold out much hope for him to change without it.” Global_Look2821
7. AITJ For Not Guaranteeing My Presence At My Nephew's Bris Due To Work?
“My (40, M) brother-in-law (38, M) has just had his third child. I got invited to the bris yesterday, which is set for a weekday morning this coming week.
On that day, I have a work commitment at 10 am. It involves 6 other people – all of whom have had it in their diary for 3 weeks.
The work must happen on this day to meet our deadline. And I need to be there for it to happen. It might be possible to push it to later in the morning.
I texted my BiL and said thanks for inviting me.
I said I have to move something for work, so I can’t guarantee I’ll be there but I’m going to try my hardest. He replied, “Yes you’ll need to be there.” I replied, reiterating that I’ll try my best but saying that I won’t be told by him that I need to do something.
He then texted my wife (his sister) that he wouldn’t engage in any conversation about this, and that I must be there or else he’d be so offended that our (my + his) relationship is over.
AITJ? I’m going to try to be there.
50-50 I can push this work thing. But I think it’s unreasonable for him to expect me to rearrange everything on short notice, with the threat that our relationship is over if not.”
Another User Comments:
“Being invited to a bris is an honor BUT I don’t think is it something that is an absolute requirement that you attend (unless you are performing it).
Especially on short notice on a weekday. I can understand him wanting you there and being disappointed that you are not but to demand you be there and threaten to end a relationship over it is out of line.
NTJ if you don’t attend. In fact, after his actions, If he wasn’t your wife’s brother I would say not having a relationship with him would be a plus.
However, I looked this up and depending on how devoted/religious your brother-in-law is, I guess it can be an insult to not attend a bris.
In some cases, people inform folks that a bris is happening but do not invite them because if you are invited and do not come it is an insult. That being said I have many Jewish friends – none who would take this as an insult.
Still voting NTJ though” hikergirl26
Another User Comments:
“Traditionally, one is not supposed to outright invite people to a bris because if they can’t come, it’s considered an embarrassment to the prophet Eliyahu, who is said to be in attendance at every bris.
Therefore, the proper protocol is to simply inform people of the time, date, and location and let them come if they can and not come if they can’t. I suppose that breaking tradition doesn’t bother him, but not having family there does, and it does seem a bit hypocritical. It’s up to you whether you feel it is worth appeasing him or holding firm (or even deciding specifically not to attend to spite him).
You would not be in the wrong in either case.” OldPresentation3437
Another User Comments:
“Not Jewish but I think this is a bit different – I looked up the etiquette. Apparently, if you refuse an invite to this you are “ostracized by heaven.” Now, people can choose to scoff at religion, but you do have to understand that it’s not a minor thing and a case of “entitlement.” It sounds like BIL is just more seriously invested as a very religious Jew.
And of course, it’s nothing that can be scheduled far in advance because it’s done 8 days after the birth. If I worked with you I’d be slightly peeved, maybe, at least at first, at the rescheduling – but if you could find a way to explain what exactly it means and why you weren’t able to skip it, I’d be more pleased to hear a bit about a different culture and what’s important in it.” squirrelcat88
6. AITJ For Wanting To Quit Weekly Dinner And Game Nights With Coworkers?
“One of my co-workers said that she wanted to start having dinner and game nights together every week.
I initially agreed but after having this every week for 3 weeks in a row, I am starting to realize that I really value my time when I get home from work and can just relax without any obligations. I like my coworkers as people; I think they’re really nice.
But we’re already at work together from 9 am-6 pm on weekdays and about once per month we have events for work on Saturday or Sunday as well. I like having the freedom to enjoy my nights after work because I’m so exhausted afterward.
This week our dinner is on Friday night. I also like to go out with friends on the Saturdays I have free, but having two social events on the weekend really drains my social battery (because, like many people, I’m an introvert, so I need some alone time to later feel energized enough in social settings).
My coworker also has two cats, and I am allergic, so when I get home from her house I always have to take a shower and wash my hair right away, which is time-consuming since I have long hair.
I feel bad because she cooks dinner for us (me and two other coworkers) every time.
Another factor is that I’m currently dieting and she always cooks very calorie-dense, high-carb meals. I feel bloated and kind of like crap after eating there.
I would feel rude if I didn’t eat what she worked hard to prepare.
I don’t want to offend anyone but it’s really sucking my energy these past few weeks. Should I tell them it’s too much for me or should I******* up?”
Another User Comments:
“You would not be the jerk but may I suggest finding some middle ground? Join them once every other week, and maybe suggest that sometimes y’all meet at a restaurant instead of their home, and maybe on a weekend so you can rest or even weekday lunch break if that works for the schedule?
You might start to feel left out if you exit entirely from this sort of social gathering, which it doesn’t sound like you want to do.” everybodysgrampa
Another User Comments:
“You’re not the jerk. Just be mostly honest. “Hey, the get-togethers have been fun, but I’m allergic to your cats and have had to take meds when I leave your house and wash everything I’ve worn, including my skin, when I get home.
I’m going to have to skip the weekly dinner because my health can no longer be compromised.” You don’t have to mention how the food makes you feel if you want to spare her feelings. And 3-4 hours is way too long to hang out with the people you just spent 8 hours with.
Good luck!” Dizzy_Emotion7381
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. I would just be honest with them that this is taking more of your time and social energy than you anticipated and you need to bow out. I would avoid giving any other reasons unless you are prepared to change your mind if those reasons are addressed. Don’t mention your cat allergy if meeting in a pet-free house wouldn’t change your decision, don’t mention the food unless a menu change would change your decision, etc. You don’t need a million reasons.
Just stick to the basics and remember it’s okay to say no.” TreeHuggerHannah
5. AITJ For Being Annoyed At My Wife's Friend's Behavior While She's Staying With Us?
“My wife’s friend has been staying with us for about a week now. She recently ended her relationship suddenly and then had an accident that required her to go to the hospital after hitting her head, but the closest hospital with a neurology clinic is by us, which is why she’s staying with us.
All she has done since staying with us has consumed a 12-pack every day if not more, she hasn’t cleaned, hasn’t offered to clean, or anything. She’s only been here a week so I haven’t even brought up money or rent anything like that.
I’m getting annoyed at this situation because I work from 5 am and then get off around 3 pm, go to class until 8 pm, and then come home and repeat.
After telling my wife we need to talk to her about her heavy drinking, my wife said she doesn’t see a problem with her friend’s behavior and just says “she’s an adult.” Am I just a stressed out tired jerk overreacting?
Or is there a problem with this situation?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is your home, not hers (the friend not your wife). I get that she is an adult and can conduct herself how she sees fit. I also get that your wife does not want to have static with her friend.
HOWEVER, your comfort in your home should absolutely be important, especially to your wife. Were it me, I would have a different conversation with my wife. “If you don’t want to get involved, that is fine. She is your friend and she is welcome here.
I will not make her uncomfortable. But her behavior and personal cleanliness and so forth will need to change and I will make that clear.”” 1u53r3dd1t
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s your house and it’s up to your wife to run interference between her friend and you if there are issues.
If your wife can’t respect you enough to at least see your side (even if she doesn’t agree), and talk to the friend about some basic houseguest etiquette, then that’s alarming. And you know that if you were to say something to the friend then you’d be in the doghouse with your wife.
I think I’d have another conversation about where this situation with the friend is going and set some hard timelines & boundaries for what will be acceptable behavior until she’s gone. Just for fun, ask your wife how she’d feel if roles were reversed, with your buddy being the heavy drinker, impolite houseguest that you see as a non-issue.
Her response will be very telling of how much she respects you.” ObjectiveLength7230
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Why should she pay rent or clean if she’s staying with you for a short period of time? One week is a visitor, not someone renting a room.
Depending on the length of stay, if you intended to have her pay rent or help with household chores, those should have been discussed in advance. If you are literally gone for 15 hours a day, being home for only 9 (just enough for sleep, really), then how do you even know how much beer she’s consuming and if she’s doing it alone?
Plus, why do you care? Is it your beer? Is she getting intoxicated and peeing in the pots of your houseplants? I don’t see how any of this is impacting you. Again, depending on the length of stay, have a conversation with your wife about instituting reasonable boundaries for guests.
And, yeah, calm down. You sound very wound up and stressed out.” Lulu_42
4. AITJ For Wanting To Drink At Our Birthday Party Despite One Friend's Discomfort?
“I’m in a friendship group and three people in the group have their birthday in the same month. So we decided to all meet up at one of our houses and just hang out to celebrate.
There will be 6 of us, 3 of us want to drink, and 2 others don’t drink but are fine with others drinking.
However, we have 1 friend who had a bad upbringing with a heavy drinker father. They are uncomfortable around people who are intoxicated and we have gone out of our way to not drink or drink very lightly around them to make them comfortable.
However, 3 of us want to get intoxicated to celebrate their birthday as it’s a special event and we want them all to be there.
We have said in advance that we want to drink at this party and that she doesn’t have to go if she doesn’t want to.
I understand that she will feel left out if she doesn’t go so we’re putting the decision on her. And we won’t force her to drink either (because that’s a terrible thing to do. We wouldn’t do that to anyone) however she has been getting quite angry as of late.
She has been making comments about how we don’t have to drink but we want to. We don’t get together often as we’re all busy with work so we can’t just “make another date” because that will be months away.
And she wants to come to this one.
After all the comments, I admit I got a bit annoyed and eventually replied with this:
“But it’s like this. It’s A, B and C’s birthday. 2/3 want to drink and the other one doesn’t care.
You were invited because we all want you there. I hate to sound harsh or anything and I understand that you’re uncomfortable but unfortunately, this really is a situation of just having to deal with it. Or “cope” as what A says.”
Ever since she’s refused to talk to me and I don’t know if she is even coming or wants to stay friends or what.
I understand she is uncomfortable but we haven’t drank with each other over a year now and I feel like it’s unfair for the rest of us to not drink when we want to but we also don’t want to leave her out as we might not see each other for a couple of months so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ bordering on no jerks here. You generally try to accommodate but you gave plenty of heads up you weren’t this time. I get her trauma but you shouldn’t have to monitor your entire lives to accommodate anyone.
I don’t drink (personal choice, I’m not against it just don’t see the point of it) and I would LOVE to not have to deal with people pressuring me to drink. The fact you all are trying so hard really makes it clear you are not the jerk here.” Specialist-Owl2660
Another User Comments:
“One of my very best friends in college grew up with a heavy drinker father. As a result, she never drank. However…it was college. Drinking (and binge drinking) were EXTREMELY common parts of our day-to-day life.
We had SO much fun at parties while she was just enjoying a soda or water. If your friend wants to live a life with zero exposure to booze, that is their right. However, they need to accept that means they WILL miss out on many events like this.
And, it might seem unfair to them, but this, in turn, means they will miss out on opportunities to connect/nurture relationships with folks. But people drink and, in MANY societies, socialization is often built around drinking. That’s not anyone’s fault, but it’s the reality.
She needs to accept this, whether it feels unfair or not. I am in the corporate world, and drinking is a massive part of company culture at most places as well. My job/career literally depends, to some extent, on my ability to navigate environments where booze is rampant.
She should really think about whether zero tolerance is the approach she wants to take because socialization around drinking is not going to go away in her lifetime. As long as everyone respects her decision not to drink and isn’t pressuring her to drink, that is all she is entitled to.” Novel_Spend_9182
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It is totally understandable why your friend created boundaries for herself around booze, but she can’t expect everyone else in her life to share those boundaries. It sounds like your group of friends has put a lot of effort into making her feel comfortable and respecting her boundaries.
It also sounds like you have other sober friends in the group, so it’s not like she would be the only sober person at a party where everyone else is intoxicated. Maybe it could be a two-part party where it starts with something more sober-friendly so that you can enjoy time with your friend, and then have the drinking part later.
Then your friend can choose to stay or go if she wants to.” DramaOk3558
3. AITJ For Refusing To Leave Home To Help My Wife Bond With Our Daughter?
“I (32M) am married to my wife (30F) and we have a beautiful three-year-old little girl together.
Now if I’m being honest, our daughter is definitely growing up to be a typical daddy’s girl.
Her first word was Dada, and her first steps were spent walking over to me, whenever she wants a hug she reaches out to me, and whenever we feed her my wife struggles to get her to open her mouth to actually eat while she’ll eat anything I try to give her without hesitation.
Yesterday after we put our daughter to bed my wife asked to speak with me about something important.
She pulled me aside and said she was worried about our daughter’s behavior, she said she was worried about her growing up not loving her mother as much as her father.
I was sympathetic towards her because I definitely thought the same thing for a little while.
I told her she should sign up for a mommy and me class because it would be a great opportunity for them to bond, but she said she’s too busy to do something like that.
So I asked what she wanted to do and her answer shocked me.
She said she’d like me to leave the house for a week to stay with my sister without telling my daughter first, she said that would practically force her and our daughter to bond.
I said absolutely not. To me that sounded like the worst plan in the history of mankind.
She tried to convince me, saying it was the best option.
I called her selfish and told her she was out of her mind to expect me to abandon our daughter when she’s so young for any amount of time.
She said that I was actually the selfish one for hogging my daughter’s attention and called me a jerk.
She then stormed into the guest bedroom and slept there for the night.
And today she’s done nothing but ignore me, and whenever she sees me do anything with our daughter she glares at me.
I’m pretty confident I’m in the right, but I’ve still gotta ask.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ just stay home. My kids were, in phases, also daddy’s kids. But one thing: are you as strict as her, or are you the fun parent and is she having to do the negative parent stuff?
We had conversations about it. I cannot always be the parent who says it is bedtime and dad the one who says nothing or even says 5 more minutes. It did make a difference and parenting is a team job..” axator82
Another User Comments:
“Question, how does she not have time for a mommy and me time slot, but has time to do EVERYTHING solo for a whole week? Plan is short-sighted too. Your daughter might feel more bonded/closer initially but dynamics will shift right back ultimately if nothing else changes.
Your wife probably just wants a “quick fix” and honestly there isn’t one. NTJ for refusing to leave, maybe switch your roles some? Let her have the fun things by giving her bathtime (if she loves baths, my kids do), doing some arts and crafts, and playing with her.
If she does consistently change, THAT’S what will make a more permanent shift in your dynamics to be more balanced. Could also change just naturally. When my kids were babies they were all about me, it’s mom or bust. After a few years now it’s more 40/60 for my husband and me.” throwawaysadwife123
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. You shouldn’t leave the house for a week, but you do need to step back if your daughter is favoring you so much that she won’t even let your wife feed her. This happened with my baby with my husband too.
He wouldn’t let him do anything for him. He wouldn’t even play with him. I started going upstairs when my son needed something so our son would have to let my husband help him and it didn’t take long for him to start seeing him as a caretaker as well.
He still favored me, but at least I could go shower and leave the house without my son crying the entire time. You have to compromise and work together so the issue doesn’t get worse.” throw_away_800
2. AITJ For Refusing To Move My Wedding Date Because Of My Stepsister's Vendetta?
“My stepsister “Wren” has always been competitive with me.
It was mostly fuelled by her mom, who was always extremely competitive between the “families”, but Wren kept it up. I’ll admit I fed into it a bit when we were teenagers but I grew out of it.
She never did. She goes out of her way to try to one-up me and she thinks everything I do is to one-up her, which isn’t the case.
That’s the background to the main issue. Wren is getting married in November, and she’s been planning the wedding for over a year.
I got engaged a month ago. My fiancé works an extremely high-pressure job and because of the nature of his job, next year and the year after will be incredibly stressful. It’s part of the reason he proposed when he did.
I don’t want to wait two years to get married, so I got in touch with a wedding planner who was able to work something out so that we can get married in August. It will be an extremely small wedding, a reception dinner of about 20 people over one weekend.
This is in contrast to the 150-person traditional wedding that Wren has planned.
Wren is livid that we’re planning to get married before her. She knows the reasons but she still insists that I’ve planned this to upstage her wedding.
She is giving her dad no end of trouble for putting money towards my wedding and helping me to humiliate her (her words). She is also causing trouble among mutual friends she has with my fiancé (this is not a huge deal because they’re not wanting to get involved but it was extremely embarrassing because she announced the date of our wedding before we did).
My mom and her dad are now hinting that maybe we should move the wedding. They keep saying maybe a winter wedding (I guess after Wren’s) would be better, and that it would be nice if the family could attend both weddings with everyone on good terms. My stepbrother has also said that while he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, because of past issues this will be extremely hard for Wren to get past. He also said I was naive for thinking that just because my wedding is different from hers she would let it go.
He may be right about that.
I still don’t really want to change the date of the wedding. I don’t think doing it in the winter will appease Wren, and to have to wait over a year just because of her childish vendetta seems grossly unfair.
But I don’t like being the one to rock the boat and I do sometimes feel a bit sorry for Wren. Maybe this isn’t the time to take a stand. I really don’t know if I’m in the wrong here.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Her ongoing attitude is obviously a problem, and I agree that she should stop making everything a competition at this age. But for me, a lot of that history is irrelevant. Even in healthy, close sibling/step-sibling relationships, one sister getting engaged and scheduling their wedding before the other sister’s long-standing wedding date would cause a LOT of tension.
It also potentially puts guests in an unfair position of having to choose between weddings, if there is travel and cost involved that makes attending both difficult. On top of all this, you say yours will be more extravagant.
Which is completely fine and your prerogative, go all out. But it does feed into the perception that there is one-upmanship driving some of this. I understand wanting your wedding to happen before your lives get hectic and stressful.
But if even your family – who is always on your side in these situations – is encouraging you to reconsider, you probably should.” pittypat_kittykat
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Even in families where the siblings are on good terms, if this situation happened, it would cause bad feelings and drama.
If Wren came on here and told her story – I’ve been planning my wedding for a year, everyone knows the dates, deposits have been paid, then my sister got engaged one month ago and set her date for the month before mine – people would be calling for your witchy head.
Whatever your reasons, it absolutely looks like an attention grab. You share the same relatives and friends so you’re straining their resources to make it to both weddings and give gifts. You’re taking your parents’ attention away from her because your wedding is first. You’re making it hard for your family members, too.
In this instance, you are the drama creator for your family, you are Wren. Also, what kind of job does your fiancé (congratulations!) have that he won’t have one or two days off in a row for a wedding for 2 years?
You said it’s a small wedding so it’s easily planned without him. All he needs to do is get a suit fitted, write his vows, and show up for the party; you can handle everything else. If he wants a party with the boys, do it now while he has time.
Unless his job is secret ops-type where he never knows his schedule, it’s hard to imagine he doesn’t have scheduled time off you can plan on.” Majestic_Register346
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Simple! change your wedding date to December so it’s in the same year!
Or do a very early January! YTJ. Look if it’s so urgent to get married this year and it sounds so suss with your reasonings. Then go and get eloped and have a reception later. It is petty that you are doing this to your sister who has planned for a whole year her wedding and to have that moment taken away because you decided to jump in first. You know exactly what you were doing.
Be honest here. You know exactly what you are doing and you want to UP your sister. lol. You trying to convince everyone you are innocent and your sister is unreasonable is nonsense. You are competitive. And you are secretly happy that you get to take that moment away from her.
You know you are! You have been hearing about the planning for over a year and you know how important it is to her, so it is understandable someone would get upset by having their moment diminished at the “last minute” by someone else’s moment.
You know exactly what you are doing. YTJ.” Strong_Storm_2167
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Attend My Half-Brother's Wedding?
“So I (18f) attend university in England, which is where my half-brother Jay (28m) lives.
Pretty much, our mom (46f) is from Canada and she moved to England to be with his dad. When he was a kid, she went back to Canada to look after our grandma when she had some health issues.
And she never went back, she married my dad and pretty soon after I was born and then my younger brother.
The thing is I barely know Jay, I’ve met him like four times and the whole time he’s been really cold and stoic to me, like a machine.
The most emotion I’ve seen out of him was when he saw a photo of my family at my place and he kind of let out a sad chuckle. His fiancée Sara is really nice and sweet and has been super kind to me but honestly, she’s so bubbly and extroverted and he’s a statue.
But even beyond how cold he is to me, I don’t know his family and I’m scared to be there as the sister nobody knows.
So I told him that I’m not going and he told me that if I don’t want his family to know who I am, then I can be seated with Sara’s side and pretend I’m from there.
But I look just like my mom, so there’d be no point and everyone would know who I am. When I said that, he just said that mom expects me to be there so if I have an issue with it, I should get her permission not to go.
AITJ for saying I won’t go?”
Another User Comments:
“So your mum abandoned him as a child and made a new family including you far away from him in Canada. Just think about that for a moment. Have you any concept of the emotional impact that had on him?
Please find some compassion for him. He probably needs time to get to know you before he can relax around you and be himself. No jerks here if you choose not to go, but a kind person, a kind half-sister would go.
Speaking as someone with a much older half-brother I wasn’t raised with.” frankiesmile
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, you seem really self-absorbed OP, like you haven’t even tried to talk to your brother and get his side of things, ask if he actually wants a relationship, or is he doing it solely for your mother.
Also, you’re not going to immediately feel at ease with each other, it takes time, but you’re just what about me, me, me. You have zero empathy for his childhood and assume just because they talk on the phone regularly, he doesn’t have any bad feelings about you or your mother.
Ask him to lunch and have a frank discussion, write him a letter expressing your feelings and asking him his, maybe just make an actual effort to understand his POV, and let go of the unrealistic fairytale dream. You’re an adult now, probably good to start acting like one.” grumbleGal
Another User Comments:
“I think soft YTJ because it just doesn’t seem like there’s anything wrong with Jay. Why wouldn’t you go to this wedding? It’s not like he did anything to you, you just said he has a colder personality.
That’s not really a reason to turn down an invite, and it seems like he and his fiancée have been perfectly kind to you. I’m a firm believer in the idea that you don’t have to attend events and you can turn down any invites, but I guess I just feel like it’s going to cost you very little to attend and be supportive.
Especially since it seems like you got along pretty well with his fiancée too.” Honest-Sector-4558
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