People Struggle To See Where They Went Wrong In These “Am I The Jerk?” Stories
22. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Husband For Planning On Giving The Business To His Brother?
“My (32f) husband (32m) and I after our wedding decided to open a small business in a nearby location. We put the money that we got as wedding gifts as the security deposit for the place. After lots of deliberation, we settled on a business idea (the idea was mostly my husband’s) and I was excited.
His brother is jobless and stays at home all day so we thought it will be a good idea to make him look after our business. The problem started after the shop opened and people started calling it his brother’s shop.
I felt uncomfortable with it because if it wasn’t for our wedding gift money it wouldn’t have been possible but I let it slide. It seems my MIL was telling others that we “opened the shop” for his “brother” and that he was the owner.
Even then I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to come out as selfish and greedy. I have a job and my husband does freelancing work but still money remains tight most of the time.
I couldn’t contribute much in the construction of the shop. His side of the family helped in building it, that’s why I remained quiet. I got posted to a very far location from our home so the financial details were handled by my MIL.
I was uncomfortable with even that because I wanted this business to be handled by us for our family (husband, me, and baby). But I didn’t have a choice as I was not physically near the shop.
Anyhow, all turmoil broke loose when yesterday my husband casually mentioned that he made his brother nominee for the business after his death. As in the shop will be his. I was shook! All this time I was thinking it was our business but I guess I was wrong.
He had a different plan all along! I felt so betrayed! We are already financially crunched and I thought this business would be our saving grace but I guess I was wrong. I lashed out at him. And cried. I was deeply hurt.
He said he wants this business to be in ‘his’ family even after he is gone. He was giving all sorts of excuses like his brother is the one taking care of the shop now so it’s natural that it will go to him.
I said we agreed to keep him as an employee not give the whole business to him! My husband kept saying it is still our business and I am overreacting.
I don’t know if I am being selfish for feeling this way but now I don’t feel any attachment to the business.
And I told him I don’t want to have to do anything with the business anymore if you don’t even care about the future of us (me and the baby) his actual family now. I am not speaking to him because I am very hurt.
AITJ for feeling this way?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he doesn’t see you as his family. I would get a lawyer. To know which rights you have and maybe about divorce. You will always stand behind his brother or the rest of his family.
He didn’t even talk with you. How much else did he hide from you? Do you know anything about the business like how much it makes? That he didn’t even think about what if you have children and that they get the business, no, it is all about his own family and you aren’t a part of it.
Do you really want to live like this? An outsider?” EvilFinch
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You need to sort this out now. If it was purchased with money from both of you, it should be owned by both of you.
Do you have a loan in the business – what are the rules of the loan? Ie if he dies first can he leave it to someone else or does it legally go to you? If he is adamant it goes to his brother, then he has to take out a loan and pay out your half, or you need to sell the business, and he purchases something with his half.
Personally, I would tell him he needs to buy out your half as part of the divorce settlement but I guess it is up to you how much of your life you are happy to give away.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – but you’re not in a marriage. You’re in something with someone selfish, and very preoccupied with himself. Possibly being swayed by the family he grew up in, but he does not feel you two (you and baby) are his ‘real’ family.
That’s an issue for marriage counseling. Why does he not feel as if it going to his daughter (in care of his brother until she’s of age) wouldn’t be keeping it in ‘his’ family?” QueenKeisha
21. AITJ For Refusing To Share My Room With A Stranger On A Hiking Trip?
“I (19m) am on a week-long hike with some other people in a tour group.
Tonight we are staying in a hotel for the last night as a bit of a treat. As I’ve come alone, I’ve been assigned my own room with a double bed. The rest are couples or very close friends, so they also have double rooms either with singles or mostly double, I believe.
Anyway, this guy, let’s call him Jim (22m I think), is staying with Stacy (19f). Jim (who is in another tour group and I don’t know) came to me tonight basically saying his friend (Stacy) is unwell and coughing everywhere and he doesn’t want to stay with her/she doesn’t want him staying with her (I don’t know if it’s relevant, but at the start, he told some of the girls in our group they were seeing each other, then kinda said they were sort of seeing each other, and now is just calling her a friend).
He asked if he could stay in my room, I said it’s a double bed, not really. He continued to try and ask, saying she’s ill. I just said I hope she feels better.
Later tonight, he knocked again, I was in the toilet and so ignored it.
Then again tonight he said through my window, “I’m going to get a hostel, enjoy your double bed, and go screw yourself” (under his breath, and then rather cowardly scampered off).
I don’t want this person in my room because a) he already has a bed, I don’t know what’s going on between them because the girl seemed fine and well at dinner b) I don’t know him c) if she is unwell, I don’t want to get ill either and d) since he just told me to go screw myself, I think I made the right decision because he seems like a bit of a nut case.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I’ve been a fan of horror films all my life. Never open the door of your room to guys you don’t know! Please don’t be those people who run away from the car and into the woods with the knife-wielding maniac.
Even if he was in your group, you don’t owe it to anyone to have them in your bed. Make sure your group knows what he pulled at the window. The guy is a freak and you need the buddy system anywhere he is.” MaryAnne0601
Another User Comments:
“I’m thinking he was never more than a friend to Stacy. He just pretended they were more. She just didn’t want to be mean and didn’t confront him fearing she might be misunderstanding his behaviour.
And once he tried to stay in the same room, she finally put her foot down. So he went around shopping for a bed.” Judgemental_Jerk
20. AITJ For Giving My Fiancé An Ultimatum About His Secret Child?
“I (26F) met Dan (36M) in January 2021. On Valentine’s Day (this year) he proposed to me.
We had plans to cook together at his place last night. I got off work early so I headed to his house before he would be home (he knew I was on my way and was okay with it).
I took a shower and he still wasn’t home by the time I finished. I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I caught a glimpse of some mail on his coffee table. I want to make it clear – I was not snooping.
The mail just caught my eye, especially since the letterhead said something like “paternity test summons” in big bold letters! I looked through the papers and basically some woman was trying to establish paternity for her child.
Dan came home and I immediately asked what this was about.
To make a long story short, he told me he was seeing a girl casually for a few months, she got pregnant, and he firmly and clearly told her that if she kept the baby he would not be involved. I was livid because he had a kid and didn’t tell me about this.
I told him he lied to me when we first started seeing each other, saying he didn’t have any kids, but he kept being pedantic saying he doesn’t have a kid because he wants no claim to the child and didn’t sign a birth certificate.
I was particularly shocked because he always told me he is excited to be a dad one day and would even want to be a stay-at-home dad if finances permitted. Dan did not strike me as the kind of guy to do something like this.
We had a big fight. He answered all my questions honestly (I guess?) but I ended up giving him an ultimatum. That he needs to have a relationship with his son or we will not have a relationship.
I told him I do not want to be involved with someone who abandons their own flesh and blood. He said I was being completely unreasonable and that he should not be punished for not being involved in this kid’s life when he did not consent to becoming a father.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Ordinarily, I would say it was none of your business, that this was between him and his son. However, this says a lot about his character. I speak from experience. My dad had an affair and I was the result.
He could have abandoned me. He could have said not my kid. Instead, he adopted me and he was the BEST. I eventually met a guy, a doctor, who I saw for about 1-1/2 years. There were so many red flags but the worst was finding a lawsuit online where he had been sued for paternity.
He got out of it but I looked her up on the internet. The absolute spitting image of him. To say I lost all respect for him does not even begin…..” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ but he’s a huge jerk.
As terrible as it is, you can’t force someone to have a relationship with someone they don’t want to, and making ultimatums like that isn’t going to help the situation. However, he’s a major jerk for neglecting that child just because he doesn’t want it.
The entire point behind intimacy is to reproduce and if you don’t want a child you shouldn’t be intimate. That being said, you should seriously reconsider this relationship. I don’t blame you for not wanting to be with someone who just abandons their own, especially when he told you that he wants kids.
To me, it sounds like he doesn’t actually want kids. What’s to stop him from making you pregnant and then leaving?” jellybean2507
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here. This is a messy situation, and it showed you that your values don’t line up on this particular matter.
Everyone has a different opinion on how to proceed when one party wants to keep the child and one wants to terminate, and the wildly different burdens it places on either the mom or dad and how that should affect the weight of each party’s decision.
Playing the blame game won’t help either, you could say it’s his for not using protection, same as it could be hers for not using birth control, it doesn’t matter. What matters is you believe by fathering a child he is obligated to take part in the child’s life, and he believes that since she chose to keep the child when he wanted to terminate he isn’t.
This isn’t something you can compromise on, and if this is a dealbreaker for you then you need to make a quick, clean break.” Worth_Raspberry_11
19. AITJ For Leaving My Husband With Our Baby On My Day Off?
“My husband (27) and I (f26) have an 11-month-old daughter and we love her so much.
However, as anyone knows being a parent is a lot. We both work, he works the normal M-F while I work part-time as a CNA overnight so I can stay home with our daughter to save on daycare costs.
We both work every other weekend, he is on call so he only works when there is an emergency however he can’t go more than 15 minutes away from our house and can’t bring the baby with him during an emergency so I need to stay home or get a sitter when he’s on call.
(He is the senior maintenance person for the townhouse company) So on the weekend we have off we try to spend Friday together and then Saturday he gets the day to himself and Sunday I get the day to myself.
Well yesterday was his day and he left at 12:30 pm and got back at 12:30 am which is fine we agreed on this. This morning everything is fine we both get up and I was planning to leave around 1:30 to go out for the day.
I was getting our baby’s lunch ready when he tells me he took an on-call shift today and doesn’t have a babysitter which means I need to stay home in case he gets a call and needs to leave.
I immediately am upset, he was gone for 12 hours yesterday and our baby is fussy from teething so my day was very stressful and now he tells me I need to stay in the house for another day.
I yelled at him and told him he was being inconsiderate and that I look forward to my two days off a month and he can’t just take mine away. He tells me he doesn’t want to talk if I’m going to yell at him so I go upstairs and calm down.
When I get back I want to talk about the situation without yelling but he won’t talk to me. Total silence. So I left, I called my best friend who said leaving him with the baby is a jerk move especially because he will probably have to back out on covering his co-worker but I think it’s my day and I should get to spend it how I want so AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He should have discussed taking an extra shift before agreeing. Also, he knew about it, so he could have given you the Saturday to do your own thing. He didn’t because he values his away time, he does not value yours.
You are allowed to be upset by this manipulation. He didn’t tell you before you tried to leave because he knows he is in the wrong and was hoping to avoid the confrontation in case you randomly decided to stay home.” Illustrious-Horse276
Another User Comments:
“As a fellow night shift CNA I have to say NTJ your husband is being inconsiderate and rude and your friend obviously doesn’t understand how hard it can be to find free time and do fun things while working all night.
I’m only 20 and I almost never get to do fun things because I work nights and all my friends are working when I can do fun things. I can’t imagine how much hard it would be with a newborn baby.” GremlinComandr
Another User Comments:
“ESH, I’m a mother of two young boys & you never stop being a parent. Your baby didn’t ask to be born, you don’t get to pick and choose when you are on or off.
He committed to work so it’s not like she’s off galavanting with friends or anything social. It’s harsh you walked out leaving him in the lurch. You need to be a team when raising children. You’re NTJ about the communication, you and your partner need a better way of communicating as it sounds like you’re both wound pretty tight.” Maximum_Effort1821
18. AITJ For Bleaching My Eyebrows Despite My Partner's Disapproval?
“I’ve been wanting to bleach my eyebrows for a while.
I told my partner this, and he told me he didn’t want me to because he doesn’t like the look. The thing is, he prefers me with short hair, I have long hair right now; I prefer him with long hair and he has short hair right now — it’s not the end of the world.
So I figured this could be the same way since it’s not like it’s permanent. I told him I’d probably get it done anyway and if it looks bad, he can make fun of me all he wants.
He said that if I do that, he’ll bleach his brows, but I didn’t really care.
Anyway, I bleached them, and I really like how they look. He doesn’t like how it looks, which I knew was an option, but it was making him really upset.
Like he said, “I can’t believe you did it” and then he literally got in his car and left. Then when I texted him, I just got an hours late response of “I can’t talk to you right now.” The next time we met up, we ended up just yelling at each other.
When things are starting to cool down, he tells me that maybe he should bleach his hair so we’re “even.” I didn’t think there was anything to get “even” about, but I thought he might look good with bleached hair and I also thought he was just suggesting it on some level because he already wanted to.
He did it, I like it on him, he hates it. He says I put him in this situation with the eyebrows thing and then hyping him to do it after when I should have known he was doing it for a petty reason.
I feel like if I’m the jerk here it’s because I didn’t take him seriously? Like I didn’t think he was totally doing it to get even. I don’t know anyone else who’d dye their hair just to borderline spite someone else like???
I feel bad but I also feel like it’s not really my fault here.”
Another User Comments:
“You’re right it is insane. You are not responsible for him dyeing his hair, it was his choice to go ahead and do it.
If you said he should wear a dress and makeup would he do it? No. If he wants to be spiteful and petty that’s his problem. You can do whatever you want to yourself, and he doesn’t have to like it.
I would tell him to drop the subject and not talk about it anymore.” Pennypenny2023
Another User Comments:
“Is this a grown man you’re talking about or is he 5? You mentioned he drove off, so I’m a little worried that he’s at least an older teenager, which seems off.
Obviously, NTJ. Nothing you did to your body directly affected his, yet this supposedly responsible adult decided to teach you a lesson by doing something to himself that you genuinely didn’t care about and is now blaming you for all of it.
At the very least he could’ve shaved his head (as you like him with longer hair), but even then it’d be his decision and something he did to himself. If this kind of nonsense is on par with how arguments go in your relationship, you may want to trade him in for someone more mature and at least in middle school (jk).” SunshineShoulders87
Another User Comments:
“So let’s go through the red flags here…. He got really angry at you for making a mild and temporary cosmetic change. Not just telling you that he isn’t a fan (he is allowed to have an opinion), but actually angry.
When he got angry at you for making a personal cosmetic decision, he left the house for hours. And even then, he was so angry with you that he couldn’t talk. Again, this isn’t something you did to him, this isn’t something you took from him, you didn’t insult or dehumanize him…you just changed the color of your eyebrows He then threatens to make a cosmetic change to himself as a punishment to you.
Let’s ignore for a moment the fact that he thinks he has the right to punish you, his partner, not a child…he believes that changing his hair color is a punishment? And then, having made a foolish decision, he blames you for a choice he made NTJ.
On the one hand, this is a funny story where someone being an AH completely backfires on them. On the other hand, this seems extremely concerning: your partner, instead of seeing you as his equal, appears to see you as a possession (one who shouldn’t have bodily autonomy since he should get to dictate how you look), a child worthy of punishment, and a scapegoat for his own choices” DinaFelice
17. AITJ For Asking A Passenger To Move Their Carry-On From My Overhead Storage?
“I don’t travel first class that often, it’s kind of a treat.
On one flight, I noticed people storing their carry-ons more forward on the plane instead of using the one above them. The first time it happened, I had to store my carry-on several rows behind me because the one over my seat was already taken by someone else.
I don’t know if I’m right, but I have an expectation especially when flying first class that I have dedicated space.
Anyway, on the next flight, I witnessed someone loading their carry-on above my seat and then walking back several rows to their seat which had empty storage above them.
So I politely asked, “Would you please remove your bags from my overhead storage? I would like to use it.”
She acted very put out and mumbled something about her theory on how the system should work (everyone should store their bags across the aisle from the seat), but she did move her bag to her own spot.
AITJ? Here’s my rationale: I believe the overhead storage in first class is clearly labeled by seat number and I imagine they wouldn’t do this unless it mattered. I also think the whole point of first class is less competition for resources such as space.
And finally, if everyone just stores their stuff above themselves, everyone could exit faster instead of someone needing to dance back several rows to retrieve their bags because someone else wanted to make things slightly more convenient for themselves.”
Another User Comments:
“I had to think on this but… NTJ. Since first class boarding happens at the same time it’s safe to assume this lady was also first class. I don’t fly much but when I do pretty much most everyone I see is attempting to get the space above their assigned seat.
This is the norm, at least in my opinion. Once the option of putting your bag above your seat is no longer available, then it’s where there is open space/availability. After that, it’s having your bag checked. While I personally wouldn’t care all that much, I don’t think it was wrong of you to ask another first-class passenger to put stuff over their seat.
Like this isn’t a huge deal, but still.” antonio-bolonio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – If airline rules were made with any type of common sense they would load the passengers and accompanying property back to front. Even first class, how is being first on the plane better than last?
Sure you get in and sit down but then you get to sit there while the literal rest of the plane passengers push by you and knock you in the head with their elbows or bags on their way to their seats.
Also by loading overhead bins back to front, it’s more likely to promote people sitting at the back, middle, and front, a bin near their seat. If they have to put it up ahead then they aren’t trying to backtrack through a bunch of people when everyone is trying to exit.
If not, gate check is WAY more convenient anyway and free from all my experiences!” BeCoolFools
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It has been a while since I have seen this (but even first class) but I have seen people put their bags in a space close to the front so they don’t have to carry their bag back to their seat and then they can grab it quickly as they walk down the aisle.
I find it rude and selfish. If there are no spaces that is one thing… when it gets tight and you can see that there is no space above or near your seat then it becomes Lord of the Flies.
But doing this just out of convenience is a total jerk move. Thanks to the airlines for making the seats too close together… then charging for everything… now everyone tries to back their entire lives into the overhead.
And they wonder why people are losing their cool on airplanes.” nomoreroger
16. AITJ For Giving My Partner's Sister A Found Victoria's Secret Gift Card?
“My partner’s sister’s birthday was yesterday and I gave her some wine (she’s a wine snob) from my home country (Georgia) that my grandfather made, and a Victoria’s Secret gift card (50 USD).
I didn’t actually buy the card, I just found it in the park on my way to work. I would’ve given it to my partner but I specifically remember a conversation where my partner said she doesn’t like Victoria’s Secret while her sister did.
I obviously have no need for this gift card so I gave it to her.
She said thank you to my gifts and said she really enjoyed the wine. She said it was some of the best that she ever tried. My partner on the ride home was really mad at me and said it was so inappropriate for me to give her a gift card and that she’s wondering if I secretly want her sister.
I told her she needs to stop being so ridiculously outrageous and that I had nobody else to give the gift card to. She then said I could’ve given it to somebody else to which I said she’d probably have the same if not worse reaction if I gave this to a female friend.
She pouted and then said not to talk to her.
Some of her friends texted me too saying I need to be a better partner and not do this to my partner. I texted them to shut up and mind their own business.
Was I wrong to do this?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for giving someone a gift card that you found in the park. On top of that, giving anyone a gift (or gift card) related to anything intimate is usually considered weird (or socially unacceptable) if you are not in a relationship with them.
If you knew your partner didn’t like that store and you found a gift card to that store in the park, why even pick it up? On top of all that, someone who actually purchased the card probably wanted it and lost it and might have gone back for it but because you picked up a gift card that you didn’t want and your partner didn’t want, the original buyer lost $50.” HolyGonzo
Another User Comments:
“First of all, the way you talk to people is a problem. “Stop being so ridiculously outrageous,” and “shut up,” are not good ways to express yourself, my dude. You come across as either really immature or having massive anger issues.
Learn some decency. Second, your story is suspicious. You found it? Really? If that’s true, it was probably already used up, so you created all this drama over something worthless. Assuming it was still an active card worth something, the smart thing to do would have been to give it to your partner and say “hey, do you have any friends who would use this?” If anyone other than my partner gave me a VS gift card I’d be a little creeped. You’re an idiot for the gift, but YTJ for your attitude.” Interesting_Sea_7815
Another User Comments:
“I’m gonna say YTJ. No not because you gave your SO’s sister the card, but because your partner let you know she felt uncomfortable with it and you literally cussed at her and her friends for it?
Idk man I get it you don’t want her thinking you want her sister, but when you blow up like this it makes it harder for her to believe you. Work on not getting so tight. I’m sure her sister loved the gift so don’t sweat that, but work on how you make your girl feel.
And to all of you who will downvote this, know I don’t think the gift card was an inappropriate gift, I wouldn’t be too pleased if my SO gave my sis a VSGC, but I definitely wouldn’t make it an issue.
OP’s partner is allowed to be uncomfortable, she’s not insecure, she said she had an issue, he blew up, and she told him not to talk to her anymore. That’s my opinion.” [deleted]
15. AITJ For Being Upset Over My Husband's Thoughtless Birthday Gifts?
“My (35F) birthday was 3 days ago, and I have been upset since due to the gifts my husband (38M) gave me. Birthdays are important to me, and I have made it clear over our 13-year relationship that I want something that he’s thought about and put time into, not just bought because he needed to get a gift. Cost doesn’t matter – it could be a $3 item that he saw and thought I’d love, just as long as it has meaning.
Two months ago I reminded him that my birthday was coming up, and he asked me what I wanted. I told him that if there was something specific I wanted then we were fortunately financially stable enough that I could just go out and buy it myself, and I didn’t want to have to give him a list of specific items and I would prefer he actually got something that he put time and thought into.
My two conditions were that I don’t want an appliance or anything to do with our baby (I am currently one week off my due date). I wanted something that he thought I would genuinely like and was for me, not for anyone else.
On my birthday I opened my gifts and it was baby items. And they were cute and I like them and they are absolutely things I would buy, but I can’t help feeling upset.
I explicitly told him I didn’t want baby items, and I also said I wanted things that were representative of our relationship and items he knew I’d like for me.
I know it’s a major first-world problem, but I feel as always he hasn’t put any thought into it and has just dismissed my feelings and I am already being put into the ‘parent’ category rather than still being my own person with my own interests.
In contrast, his birthday was just before mine and I didn’t buy a single baby-themed thing for him as I know he has many interests outside of our upcoming baby.
WIBTJ if I told him I was upset with the gift?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – You asked for a gift that showed that your spouse knows you, knows your likes and dislikes, and specifically not something baby-related. Your spouse basically said I don’t care what you want I’m gonna not pay any attention to you outside of being a caretaker of my kid.
Never mind the fact that you literally just got him some thoughtful gifts for his birthday he could not be bothered to reciprocate. The only question here is does his behavior in all other areas of y’all’s relationship positively outweigh his dismissal of you when it comes to gift-giving?
If yes, then let it go and stop giving him thoughtful gifts too so you will not build resentment in yourself. If not… we’ll how is he a gift giving to others? How will he be a this to your child?” CrSkin
Another User Comments:
“NTJ and the gifts for the baby were def too much and by all means raise the whole thing with him and tell him how you feel, but… I’m like you in that if there is something I need I am in the position where I can generally just get it and when it comes to birthdays I don’t have a list to give and would rather someone thought about what I like and bought something accordingly (because that is what I like to try and do), but not everyone is built that way.
My partner is a really great guy, I love him dearly and he is very considerate and loving, but he is hopeless at buying presents, he leaves everything to the last minute and really struggles to get anything without a lot of guidance (at Christmas I had to give him a specific website and say I like oversize jumpers from this place in X size, any of them would be good, so I could get something that had at least a semblance of a surprise).
I’m learning to accept it, it doesn’t mean I am giving up on the whole thing gift-giving-wise, but I’m not taking it to heart now. I know it can be difficult and given that you are going through a significant life-changing event right now with the pregnancy and parenthood, everything is going to feel amplified, but try and look for other ways that he demonstrates his love for you and focus on those moments.
Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!” Sunflower_dream85
Another User Comments:
“Soooo, you lost me in the first paragraph, OP. It is a gift. He could have gotten you nothing. But then I kept reading and realized the issue is not with the gifts he gives you or even the gifts you want.
It seems like you are searching for affirmation and love and validation… all valid and beautiful things. But you are speaking French, and he Portuguese, and all the love and caring gets lost in translation. You two have someone wonderful about to throw another language in there!
You’re NTJ and neither is he. Have you two tried seeing someone who could help you communicate? You don’t have to wait until things are bad to learn how to speak each other’s language.” Upset_Impress7804
14. AITJ For Refusing Cake After My MIL Bit Into It?
“I hate my MIL for some stuff she did years ago which I don’t think she even remembers.
She thinks we have moved on and we are fine. I keep her at arm’s length, but there is still a lot of anger there.
MIL recently had a birthday party at a winery. She got tipsy and bit into the cake, like the whole cake with her mouth.
I was immediately disgusted. She tried to lick it again and someone pushed her face into it. They didn’t do it that hard, so most of the cake was still fine, but I couldn’t get that image out of my head.
When the cake was being cut I politely declined. My SO didn’t know why and was confused because I had previously said I was excited about the cake. I pointed to the part her mouth/face had been on.
SIL butted in and asked if I was a germaphobe because she hates germaphobes.
I told her I was and it just grossed me out. MIL’s husband (very new husband who I’ve spoken to like two times in my life) began lecturing me about how 90% of the cake was fine and I’m such a baby.
I said sorry but it grossed me out. MIL laughed and said she now knows why we don’t have any friends and never go out. SO told her to stop. SIL asked if it was because I hate her mom and said she knows I do.
I snapped and said that is part of it, but also they are gross and trashy and I don’t want a cake her tipsy mouth was all over.
MIL demanded to know why I hate her, but got distracted a couple of minutes later.
MIL’s husband took us aside though as we were leaving and chewed me out for being rude.”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. MIL was awful and gross, but she and SIL goaded you into being rude, and now she’s going to be dining out on that for years.
Better to just say “Suddenly I’m not hungry.” Or develop a sudden emergency that requires you to leave the party. And then skip future birthday parties, especially if they’re going to involve heavy drinking.” Scrabblement
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Your SIL and MIL should have dropped it instead of pushing your boundaries over CAKE of all things and insulting you in the process. They were jerks. However, saying you hate your MIL and calling her gross and trashy at her birthday party is WAY over the line.
Just leave. Don’t play their stupid games.” MadeofSeaglass
Another User Comments:
“ESH. These guys were acting like tipsy people and doing/saying things tipsy people do. BUT, if you hate your MIL, you have to protect your sanity and stop putting yourself in situations like this where fights can break out.
I don’t go to birthday parties of people I don’t care about, why would you? It doesn’t matter if you’re married to her child – if you won’t be an enthusiastic guest who is there to celebrate, then don’t go to the party.” Rosie-Disposition
13. AITJ For Not Wanting Joint Custody Of My Stepson After Separation?
“My wife and I separated about a year ago after six years of marriage, but we are not legally divorced yet. We have two children together (4f & 2m). We both had previous marriages and children from those marriages.
My kids (12m & 10f) have always had a good relationship with their mother, but my stepson (11m) hasn’t seen his biological father in years.
We’ve started seriously discussing the divorce after deciding that it is basically impossible for us to reconcile.
We are happy to split custody of our children and are committed to ensuring that they grow up feeling safe and loved and as stable as possible, but my wife also wants me to commit to having a ‘parental’ relationship with my stepson because he does not have any other father figure in his life.
I refused. I have nothing against the kid personally, but we’ve both always acknowledged that I wasn’t his father, he never called me ‘dad’ and I never asked him to, and to share custody of him like I do my biological kids sounds insane to me.
My wife is upset because her son has started talking to her about how he feels he doesn’t have a dad. I understand that that must be uncomfortable, but he isn’t my son, she needs to talk to his actual father about that.
However, when I discussed this with my friends, I got a mixed response. Some agreed with me, some agreed fully with my wife, and some said I should have committed to that for a limited amount of time for the adjustment period, but it’s been almost a year since we’ve lived together as it is.
I don’t want to ruin this boy’s life, but I don’t see why he should be partially my responsibility anymore. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He’s not biologically yours, and if that relationship never developed over the 6 years you were his father figure, it’s unlikely to do so now.
Sounds like she wants to use you to help raise her child without having to be your wife to do so. However, I’d have to ask what the relationship is like between your two kids and your stepson.
By doing it your way, you will sever a big chunk of whatever sibling relationship exists between them. If they are close, maintaining that for them might be a reasonable choice, but not something I’d commit to legally.
Another question I have is how exactly would she see this working if she remarried again? Or if Bio-Dad actually decides to step up? Would she then yank him from you because there’s another father figure in the mix able to fulfill that role?” PaintLicker_2022
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You’re not his father and you didn’t formally adopt him, so you have no obligation to be his father. This is 100% your choice whether or not you want to be in his life. If that’s a no, she needs to accept it.
One thing though. You did raise this child throughout that 6 years of marriage. He sees you as his father. I’d still try to see him on some occasions if I were you. Please don’t ignore him as if you never knew him.
Just for his sake. I’m sure you do care about him, but she’s expecting to make him you’re responsibility, which is not right. I had a friend who had a daughter whose father left and never saw her.
Then she met a man, married him, and had a son with him. They were only married for a couple of years, then they divorced. She basically used him as a babysitter under the guise of custody. She would throw parties on her kid-free weekends.
Once he caught on to it, he stopped taking her daughter. That lead to lots of arguments and her poor daughter got caught in all of it. I stopped speaking to her not long after that.” Liss78
Another User Comments:
“Oof, this is a tricky one. I’m gonna have to go with No jerks here, at least insofar as you’ve explained things. It’s a bit surprising to me that after being married for 6 years, and presumably seeing each other before that, that you don’t have a closer bond with the stepson.
I mean you’ve been in his life since he was 4 years old, if not earlier, right? I think most step-parents form stronger bonds with kids that young, and the kids sure do. But your feelings are what they are, and you imply the stepson also does not have a strong bond with you.
So I’m not sure how joint custody would even be beneficial to the child if you aren’t willing to be a father figure for him. And the AITJ question is about custody, not about whether you’re a jerk for how you perceive your step-son.
So no, you’re not the jerk for not agreeing to custody. And your ex-wife’s not a jerk for asking you or being upset, though obviously she can’t demand. There’s also the legal aspect to custody and adoption and so on, but that’s not what you asked about.” witcher_rat
12. AITJ For Not Wanting My Dad's Wife To Be Called 'Grandma' By My Child?
“My wife and I had a child a little while ago. We are trying to get back with my family for those who haven’t met our baby.
My mom died of cancer 10 years ago, and afterward, my dad got remarried to a woman, let’s call her Anna. My relationship with my dad has been rocky since then, but I don’t want to deny him the ability to see his granddaughter.
When we meet up, my dad likes to say things about “Grandma Anna.” This really bugs me because grandmother implies that they are a mother to you. I was an adult when my mom died and my dad remarried. Nothing against this woman, I just don’t really know her.
I correct people when they call her my stepmom, because I only had one mom and she’s not here anymore.
I thought a compromise would help, so I asked my dad if we could call her something else like “meemaw” or “nana” or something like that.
He got upset at me when I brought that up to him.
So AITJ for this?”
Another User Comments:
“Well, I can only encourage you to take your child’s perspective here. My parents’ parents both died before I was 1 and the only grandma I knew was a step-grandma.
I didn’t care. She was an awesome grandma. My mom was generous enough to never throw an artificial barrier down between us and I never realized that she wasn’t blood-related until I was in my teens. As they say, love is not a pie.
Letting her fully embrace being a grandma doesn’t erase your Mom’s memory – nothing can erase your mom’s memory. Keep pictures of all of them up in the house and count your baby lucky for having so many people willing to love them.
YTJ.” capmanor1755
Another User Comments:
“I had three sets of grandparents growing up, and the memories of my “step-grandparents” are awesome. I called them Grandpa and Gramma. I am glad my parents did not try to gatekeep how I viewed them.
You are getting my many NTJ judgments, but I think you are being a bit of a jerk over this. Whether or not you knew her as a child has nothing to do with her possible involvement with and enrichment of your child.
With all the stories on this sub about older people who don’t want to be involved with younger children they are not related to by blood, you should consider your child lucky to have the opposite. I think you are a bit of a jerk.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but my PERSONAL thought is that “Grandma Anna” is an okay compromise. It basically denotes that she’s not THE grandma, but she’s more or less in the role. Just something to think about – it’s less personal than just Grandma or even Nana feels, to me personally.
My dad’s a step-grandpa, and he’s become something like “Bob-pop”. Still includes the first name, so not what you’d do with your actual grandparent, but also shows approximately where he stands as the counterpart to his wife, who’s actually related to the kids.” ulalumelenore
11. AITJ For Snapping At My Parents Over Not Buying Me Extra Google Drive Storage?
“I’m an IB student and we have to do a lot of research, projects, essays, etc etc. I’m sure many people know that most coursework is completed and submitted digitally.
So here’s the problem: my parents didn’t buy me a Microsoft license because they can’t afford it, so I can’t use Microsoft Office.
I decided to just use Google Docs and Google Slides. However, since Google Drive only gives you 15GB, after a year of coursework, my storage ran out. I asked my mom if she could get me a subscription and she started telling me to just empty the storage.
The thing is, I can’t really do that since IB is a 2-year program, and if exams get canceled for whatever reason, they’re going to give me a grade based on my coursework. If I “just empty my storage” by deleting my coursework, I might fail the diploma.
I want to stay on the safe side. I deleted nearly everything I used to have on Google Drive before I started IB, but my storage is still 99% full.
My mom kept telling me to “just empty it” and “normal logical people just empty their storage” so I kinda snapped and said “well you guys didn’t get me a Microsoft Office license, so how am I supposed to do my coursework now?!”
And she was like “we didn’t get it because we can’t afford it!”
I kind of feel bad for the comment I made, but like I feel like I’ve tried to compromise by using Google Drive and now she won’t help me by buying me extra storage.
The thing is, they give me double the amount of the subscription each month as an allowance, so I know they can afford it. I don’t even care if they stop giving me allowance, I just want to graduate.
So, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. So many options here. 1. Save your files onto your hard drive or a memory stick, and then empty the storage. 2. Make a second Google account. 3. Use your allowance you already have that you said is enough for the subscription, instead of being all entitled about it.
Also, see if your university offers a free student subscription to Microsoft Office. Mine did.” Curious-Insanity413
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – Just use your allowance to pay for your Google Drive subscription. Or go to the shop and buy a USB drive.
You don’t have to use M$ Office/Google Docs. You can always use LibreOffice if you need an office suite. It’s free to download. Either buy a USB hard drive/flash drive and use LibreOffice, or pay for your own subscription for GDocs/M$ Office.
Plus also, you can get student discounts for M$ Office as well if you want, probably even for free as some schools give students a subscription while they are students. Here in New South Wales, Australia, even primary (elementary) school and high school students get Office 365 for free.” w0ck0
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. For the comment you made to them. Not for wanting the extra storage. Don’t pretend to know what it is like as a parent trying hard to afford life and kids and everything.
There is plenty of ways to get money being a kid. You can get a job and afford the amount yourself. Or use your own allowance to pay for it. I know lots of kids who get side jobs to help pay for things their parents refuse to buy.
But to say something like that to them is heartless. Also can’t you just buy a storage drive from the store to help hold all the info you need? Some are really inexpensive and can help offload what you have stored to make room for new projects.
I do this all the time with like a $10 storage USB.” ashvin812
10. AITJ For Refusing To Change My Cat's Name After My Family's Disapproval?
“I’ve always loved cats since childhood and always wanted to have one.
I’m 14m and just recently had my birthday when my dad got me a cat.
I was really excited about it and almost cried. I also found out that he’s a very shy cat, which made me like him even more since I’m shy too.
And then after some hours of spending time with him, my family asks me to give him a name.
And I thought about it for a while but then decided on the name Albert because that’s the name of my favorite/comfort YouTuber.
I mean, I know it’s a stupid name for a pet but it holds a kinda special meaning for me I guess?
Well, then they proceed to call me a jerk for naming my cat like that because it’s embarrassing for them.
And I totally understand that, but they suddenly tell me to change the name to something cuter like ‘Coco’ or something but I refuse.
And now they’ve been kinda mad at me and started calling my cat a different name.
It upsets me a bit, but like I said I understand why. But now I also just feel really guilty for making my family upset, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I am really not sure how “Albert” is embarrassing.
If you like the name and Albert is cool with it (which I assume he is) then who gives a darn what YOU name YOUR cat? 2 of mine were named by a racist ex-coworker and I spent the first 3 months getting them used to me calling them something different.
NTJ.” Xx-DarthCuddles-xX
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s not a “perfect name” for cats only based on how they tend to recognize names that end on vocals better than others. It only has 2 syllables though which tends to help a lot.
Other than that? Why would you not name a cat Albert? Why would that be embarrassing? I’m going to the vet twice a year with Elsa and Harley as a grown-up man and have heard the names of other pets the doc is seeing.
Literally nobody outside the family cares.” AlinaVeila
Another User Comments:
“Soooo NTJ. Your family sucks. Show them this thread. Shame on them for treating you like this over an animal’s name. I think Albert is a great name.
All of my pets have ‘human’ names. Luke, Leia, Jack, Stella, and Chester. (Admittedly, Jack is short for Handsome Jack, a game reference, Luke and Leia… well, you know lol. And Chester is short for Worcestershire. My own 14-year-old named him and we love it because we love her.) Again, shame on your family.
They owe you an apology.” StrawberryShortPie
9. AITJ For Calling My Husband A Snob For Criticizing My New Friends?
“We moved to France 5 months ago. My husband already knew a lot of people here but I knew nobody before we moved. Since I’m not working and I only know basic French, it’s been hard to make friends who aren’t people who are friendly with me only because they or their spouses know my husband.
I met a woman as our kids were playing together at the park. We clicked and she ended up introducing me to her small group of friends who all have kids around my son’s age.
I organized a playdate at my home as they wanted to see where I lived. My husband hadn’t met any of them before but he came home early with a friend of his so I introduced him to everyone.
He was his usual charming self but after they left, he and his friend told me I shouldn’t let our son just socialize with anybody.
I asked them what they meant but their explanation was pretty poor – they told me my son should socialize with the “right” people as it’ll influence the type of person he’ll grow up to be and that if I wanted to host playdates the friend’s wife and children would be happy to come over.
I was upset because I like my new friends and my son has fun playing with the other kids, so I told them they were snobs. Both of them got defensive and tried to explain how I was misunderstanding them.
Once the friend left, my husband and I had a heated conversation about it but he still thinks he’s right and that he’s not a snob and me calling him one was uncalled for.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ, and the comment is called for. He needs to explain what “the right people” are and how these people didn’t fit. Are they substance abusers? Do they run a dogfighting ring? Of course parents should monitor who their kids spend time with, but you didn’t get any red flags.
And does he realize this is as much for you as for your son? You need a network there, too. Make sure that’s part of the conversation. You have a right to socialize, and these people are ready to connect with you.” BusyDadGaming
Another User Comments:
“NTJ…but OMG. Every country has its own unwritten social hierarchies that are complete enigmas to outsiders, but (based on my experiences working in Europe) France takes it to a whole different level. My wife was mocked by a group of French women at a wedding because she didn’t have the right color nail polish even though she had them professionally done!
Your husband’s friend could have been looking at national origin, religion, income level, or even what neighborhood your new friends live in. I think the best thing to do is ask the friend exactly what he found objectionable about them – my bet is that it’s something about their ethnic background, but it could be anything.” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“OP, NTJ. Not only are your husband and his friend snobs they have some nerve when they have basically isolated you and only NOW that you have made a friend do they feel the need to step up; but rather than help you they are criticizing your choice.
Do ask your husband what you were supposed to look for? Your husband has left you to your own devices with limited language skills, and now he makes some absurd comment about the “right people” which is 100% a dog whistle for some type of prejudice.
So do ask him to explain in detail, since he’s determined to let you founder on your own in this new country what you should be looking for, do they have to be white? Make only a certain amount of income?
Only have graduate degrees from certain colleges? Only associate with certain other influential people, and how does he propose you figure that out? What the heck. I’m so sorry, you don’t have a new friend problem, you have a husband problem.
Also, you may need to make an exit plan, quietly plan to go home to stay with family, and just don’t come back if he can’t or won’t give you suitable answers.” coloradogrown85
8. AITJ For Wanting To Stop Cleaning Up After My Partner?
“This summer has been busy. My mom is sick so I’ve spent time at her house bringing her to Dr. appointments and helping her around the house. We got home from a week’s vacation last Saturday evening.
Sunday afternoon I had to bring my mom to the hospital where she has staying all week. I have spent most of my time at her house taking care of her pets. Yesterday was the first full day I had been home.
After work (I work from home) I picked up a couple of grocery orders and brought my older son, 17, to the store to buy a switch with the money he saved from his first job. My younger kids, 13 m & f, were picked up by their dad for the weekend.
There were a few dishes in the sink. A small pot, a couple of Tupperware, and a couple of cups. None of it goes in the dishwasher.
My partner and I get home at the same time and he starts washing them and giving me the silent treatment.
I pick up a little and go to another room to cry. I’m so stressed out, I have guilt over everything I am doing because no matter where I am, I feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else.
With his attitude, I felt like I was failing another thing. He comes and tells me he’s mad about all the dishes, not something else we were talking about. He said the kids should have washed them, and that they should be doing chores.
Maybe they should, but I haven’t been home to set up a chore chart. I have been home 2 days since we got back. The week before vacation the kids helped clean the house and get stuff ready, so it’s not like they sit around doing nothing.
Last summer they did good with a chore chart. I just haven’t had time this year to set it up. I told him this. My kids aren’t mind readers and they don’t think to clean unless you tell them to.
They are not terribly messy and usually pick up after themselves. So it’s not like our house is messy.
The kicker is. After a dinner of leftovers, he leaves his dishes on the counter. On the freaking counter directly above the dishwasher.
I am planning on leaving all the dishes he leaves out right where he leaves them. Would I be the jerk if I stopped cleaning up after him?”
Another User Comments:
“I don’t mean to sound like I’m jumping the gun but giving you the silent treatment over dishes to then giving you trouble over the kids not pulling their weight sounds like a massive red flag.
He stopped talking to you and you walked away so you took away his power in that moment. He then changed his tactics and started shouting which seems to have got his point across. If he can’t pick up after himself then he has no right dictating what your children should be doing.
Time to start asking if he’s bringing anything positive to the relationship.” Alive-Armadillo-126
Another User Comments:
“Nope. NTJ In fact I think you should clean his self-entitled lazy backside right out of your home. Permanently. BTW, I put everything in the dishwasher – delicates on the top of course – including fridge shelves (glass), fridge door holders and crispers (plastic), glass chopping boards and vases, some ornaments, all mugs/cups/glasses, pet dishes, the microwave glass plate, tea trays, I mean I’m struggling to think of something I don’t put in the dishwasher which finally died last week at the age of 20 years and 10 months old.” dragonsfriend-9271
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s easy to show your best self when everything is good. You don’t know who you’re with until the crap hits the fan. Watch carefully how your SO is treating you in these hard times, OP.
If it isn’t good, walk away. You need someone who will rise up in support of you in good AND bad times.” KimmyKatAlways
7. AITJ For Not Wanting To Move Out After Breaking Up With My Partner?
“I (23f) just broke up amicably with my partner (29m) and we live together in an apartment. We got together in Jan 2019. The lease ends in 5 months and our apartment complex doesn’t allow for subletting. So I’m obligated to help pay the rent till the lease is up.
My ex can’t afford it by themselves. So I agreed to help.
After breaking the news that I was single to my family, my sister, aunt, and mother asked me when I was moving out. My sister even said that if I decide not to move then I might as well get back together with my ex which is what I don’t want.
They all seem to agree that I need to move out and not doing so is incredibly stupid. My only option to move out would be to move in with my mother who lives about an hour away.
I also have some mental health issues with living with my mom due to trauma while living with her.
I will be going to school in another city in three months and was planning to move in with family I have there.
So I would only be at the apartment for that long anyway.
The problem is that my work is currently a 6-minute walk from my apartment and I don’t have a car. My mom swears she would be able to get me to wherever I needed to go but she has a horrible track record to the point I have anxiety about relying on her for rides.
While both my parents and I work in the same city, I work at 7 am while my mom works at 9 am and I would feel guilty about having her wake up 2 hours earlier just to get me to work.
My mom is also planning to help me get a car soon but if I had a car I still wouldn’t want to move because of the price of gas.
Would I be the jerk if I told my family that I don’t want to move?
I’m worried if I don’t agree to move out then my family will think I am the jerk and my parents might not help me.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but may or may not be bad judgment.
That depends on factors we don’t have, such as how decent a human being your ex is likely to remain to you if you share an apartment after breaking up; how your feelings will be affected by living with him after breaking up, and how your mother is likely to treat you and how your feelings will be affected by living with her.
You’re still NTJ regardless of what you decide. So long as your ex isn’t desperate to cut off contact in order to heal from the breakup, you’re NTJ if you stay… and frankly, if he is that desperate, he can show it by paying the last few months’ rent himself in order to encourage you to go.
You’re NTJ if you move in with your parents either, even if your mother wakes up early in order to take you where you need to go. She’s offered. That makes it her choice whether to do that or not.
Not your problem if she wants to. You need, for your own sake, to stop trying to manage everyone else’s feelings. Let them manage their own. There’s nothing you are considering doing in this situation that would make you the jerk, so pick what works best for you and write off the guilt.” VoyagerVII
Another User Comments:
“Reading between the lines, it sounds like you feel safe and comfortable in your current living situation and would feel unsafe and uncomfortable moving back in with Mom. Not a surprise that they think it’s a given you’ll be moving out immediately, as it’s not uncommon that people think you shouldn’t associate with an ex once the relationship ends.
(Not my personal stance, but not an uncommon one to come across.) You might try “Thanks for the concern and I can understand why you would think I’m moving home, but in this case, we’re going to try to make it work for the next three months.
I’ll let you know if it becomes a problem and I decide I want to move home. Really appreciate knowing you’re there for me and supporting me.”” twiddlywerp
Another User Comments:
“I know of a few people who have been in a similar situation as yours.
One of which was a situation my wife was in with one of her previous partners. NTJ if you were to stay where you are. I would say only stay if you know that the living situation wouldn’t be volatile and toxic to your mental and or physical well-being.
In my wife’s case, her ex was just a really unhappy person and she couldn’t be around it anymore. My advice would be if there is enough room create a second bedroom so that you have your space and they have theirs.
Have a conversation and set boundaries if need be, especially if you really don’t want to get back together. Like they told me on my first day of college you don’t have to be friends with your roommate but try to be friendly.
Best of luck!” UncleBlazer510
6. AITJ For Wanting To Leave My Unhelpful Roommates To Get My Kids Back?
“I (37F), currently have 2 roommates that are found family. (50M and 23F) We are currently trying to get our kids back from child services.
My two were taken and their one.
I am currently the only person working in the entire house. Most days I never see them out of their room except to cook food and MAYBE do laundry. I work from home so I am always here.
They are either sleeping, watching TV, or playing games. I end up having to clean up messes from their dog any time they leave it out with me because it refuses to be housebroken and they don’t want it to have accidents in THEIR room.
The bills are all in their name but I am the one who pays all the bills. I pay their phones now, too.
I am now expected to work, clean up the house, help with dishes that I don’t dirty or use, help with the mountain of laundry, look for a place because our landlord is evicting us because of a slew of personal reasons, organize any move, and coordinate everything.
I get yelled at constantly for not doing enough around the house despite being the ONLY person who has and is holding a job.
So my question is this. WIBTJ if I decided to just get my own place with a little assistance and leave them to their own devices while knowing that they would likely lose their parental rights to their child while I would be likely getting my kids back as a single mom?”
Another User Comments:
“Hon, they’re NOT found family. Family is made up of people who are THERE for one another and HELP one another out, not making one lone person do all the cleaning, dog sitting, and paying bills.
They are treating you like a live-in, unpaid maid. If you move out and take them with you, do you want to continue cleaning their messes until you’re old and gray? Do you want YOUR CHILDREN cleaning their messes?
I don’t think so. You WILL be the jerk if you take them with you. But in the end, it is your decision.” Ollirick
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Not only are they using you, but the environment they are creating could be harmful to your effort to get your children back.
I want to encourage you to make one priority, and that’s your children. This means that draining your time, energy, and finances for individuals who refuse to help themselves is absolutely not in line with that goal. I get that finding others who understand your situation can be so comforting.
It’s great that you have empathy. At the same time, you cannot let that slip into codependency and enabling. At the end of the day, this should really be about what’s best for each of the children. If your roommates are not able to meet the basic requirements for securing and maintaining a place to live without you, it is in the best interest of the children to stay where they are It sounds like you are working so hard and making good decisions.
Do not let others drag you down. Be proud of yourself for all you’re accomplishing. Go and find whatever assistance you need, keep your eye on the prize, and get your children back.” Shadocat42
Another User Comments:
“Babe!
These people are NOT your family, you are their maid/ATM! I’ve been seeing this happen to friends of mine who don’t have a supportive blood family—“found” family can be just as abusive. People will prey on those desperate for connection.
These people do not care about you or your children, and their own custody issues are not your concern. If they cared to, they would change their own situation. NTJ unless you stay with them.” cobaltoxide
5. AITJ For Using The Wheelchair-Accessible Stall To Calm My Anxiety?
“I go to a college that has a lot of mental health services but they don’t have any quiet rooms. I have severe anxiety and a panic disorder associated with loud noises and small cramped spaces.
Today was a really bad day so I went to the restroom and used the big stall even though the other stalls were open. I have noise-canceling headphones that block out the overstimulating noises, but I can still hear when people talk to me.
I was in the bathroom for 20 minutes calming myself down and trying to keep quiet so no one heard me crying/hyperventilating.
When I left the stall there was an aide and a person in a wheelchair waiting.
(clarity edit: the aide did not knock or approach the stall, they were towards the entrance of the restroom) The person in the wheelchair said nothing but the aide snapped at me and told me I have no right to use the big stall when all the others were open.
She is staff, so I explained my situation and told her about the lack of quiet rooms. She just repeated that I had no right, and that I was taking access away from disabled people.
I work in the disability services office in my college and am a student registered with a disability (anxiety, depression, panic disorder all get in the way of school).
I told her this and the aide said that was more proof of me “stealing” disabled resources. She told me she and the other person were waiting for half an hour, which isn’t true, I even have a timer on my phone for these things so I can give myself time to cry, time to rationalize my feelings, and to calm down, all within a max of 20 minutes as it was what I was taught in therapy.
I’m at a total loss here.”
Another User Comments:
“I feel like people saying YTJ don’t understand that finding a consistent, quiet private space is difficult without help from the school on college campuses. At the same time, using a wheelchair-accessible bathroom is an inevitable gamble that will leave you looking like a jerk if someone requires it while you’re using it.
I don’t think you were wrong for using that space because of the options provided by the school, but you would be if you continued to use that space, aware of the consequences. Contact your counselor once more and tell them that the bathroom is not an adequate area for you when you are having an attack.
The aide’s comment was out of left field, about you “stealing resources”, but I can understand that they were most likely generally frustrated because, to them, it seemed like you were like every non-disabled who uses those spaces without consideration for the wheelchair-disabled populace.
In the end, the school is the real jerk for not having a consistent, accessible private space. Just be sure to check again with the faculty.” ArkhamReaper
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. I’m sorry you have a disability but that doesn’t entitle you to use facilities that people with other disabilities need. The person in the wheelchair needed to use the disabled toilet and has no choice in which one they can use, you yourself have a disability that does not have this restriction.
“She told me she and the other person were waiting for half an hour, which isn’t true, I even have a timer on my phone for these things so I can give myself time to cry, time to rationalize my feelings, and to calm down, all within a max of 20 minutes.” Honestly 20 minutes, 30 minutes, it’s not that big of a difference, the person you were holding up most likely just had to wait for you and you weren’t even really using the facilities for their intended purpose.” Misenica
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I get it. I have autism, and I use the bathroom to calm down quite often. And sometimes tiny stalls send me into overload – they’re so small and ick! The person who was actually in the wheelchair didn’t seem that upset.
They weren’t there when you entered. You were in the stall for less than 20 minutes. So they were probably waiting 10 minutes. Is that a long time? Sure. But you did what the school told you to do.
You have a disability that requires you to use the larger stall so that you can calm down and not have lots of breakdowns. I’m sorry for the YTJ comments. Your disability is as valid as the other ones, and sometimes it may take someone in a wheelchair that long to go to the bathroom and they don’t get yelled at.” CompactDisc96
4. AITJ For Not Inviting My Estranged Father To My Wedding Despite His Attempts To Reconcile?
“I (27F) am getting married in a few months. My father left my mother and me when I was five years old. He was struggling with some major addiction issues at the time and has continued to deal with them over the years.
He was never really involved in my life, and we only saw each other or even spoke occasionally during random holidays and special events. He never paid child support and was completely absent during my teenage years.
About a year ago, when I was already engaged, my father reached out saying he wanted to rebuild our relationship.
The last time I had heard from him was when I graduated college… 5 years ago. He apologized for not being there and said he regrets his choices. I was skeptical but decided to give him a chance. We met up a few times, and while it was nice to talk, things just didn’t feel right.
Honestly, it felt like something had been lost that could never be recovered.
When it came time to send out wedding invitations, I made the decision not to invite him. I didn’t feel like he had earned the right to be there on one of the most important days of my life.
There will also be booze at the wedding and he is known to be a very angry heavy drinker. My mother, who practically raised me on her own, has been supportive. However, when my father found out, he was devastated. He said he’s really trying to make amends and that this would be a huge step in our reconciliation.
My fiance supports my decision, but some family members think I’m being unfair. They believe he has changed and that I should give my father more of a chance to prove himself, and that this would be a big opportunity for him to do so.
Others agree with me and think he has forfeited his right to be at my wedding when he walked out on us.
AITJ for not inviting my estranged father to my wedding despite attempts to reconcile? Should I have given him this opportunity or am I right to prioritize my own feelings and the people who have always been there for me?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your wedding day is not the day for a reconciliation. Let’s just say that he has made major changes to his life. Let’s assume he will not get inebriated and due to the inebriation become volatile.
(Which you don’t know him anymore so you don’t know one way or another.) You are going to be busy that day. Weddings are hectic, you’ll be engaging with lots of friends and family. It is not the place for reconciliation and amends.
If you wanted him to be present, fine. You don’t really owe him a place there. He is basically a stranger, by his choice. You don’t owe him a shortcut into amends, because that’s what him attending is at this point.
He hasn’t put the work into making amends with you. I highly doubt he’s put the work into making amends with your mother or other family that have been hurt by him.” CemeteryDweller7719
Another User Comments:
“OP, even if, big IF, he has actually changed it doesn’t matter. While I was never in your position my daughter was. And words just don’t make up for actions. He may actually feel devastated but it’s a price he needs to understand that has to be paid for what he’s done.
A person can be changed, yes. But that does not erase the trauma you had to deal with. Too many times the person on the receiving end of trauma is expected to “give in” to the person who caused it.
Do not give in to this. Stand your ground. As hard as it may be sometimes, standing your ground is the best way for someone to learn they messed up in a bad way. Doesn’t mean you hate them or never forgive.
It just means they have to learn what they did has repercussions. If they are truly sorry they will understand. If not, then you will know where they truly stand. Good luck!” Cheesychocolate6866
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If he has changed – good for him.
That isn’t a free pass to demand entrance to your life. Him being good now doesn’t magically erase 26.5 years of your life and memories and scars. You can be happy for him from a distance. Where you are safe and unbothered if he happens to make the choice to fall off of the wagon (which would not be your fault or problem).
He’s a grown man. No one owes him anything. No one can make you give anything of yourself you don’t want to give away. Be kind but firm, “I am happy he is improving. But his improvements are not qualifications for him to become a part of my life.
A life that has been going fairly well without him in it. Without a 100% guarantee that he will improve the quality of my life; I don’t feel that getting involved with him during a highly emotional and pivotal moment of my life is good for me.
And my mental and physical and spiritual well-being is my focus. That and my partner and the family we are making. I am not Burger King—you don’t get to have it your way.”” Terra88draco
3. AITJ For Insisting On A Beach Wedding Despite My Autistic Brother's Sensory Issues?
“I am getting married in September of this year. My fiancee (Kim 32) and I met on the beach (Siargao, Ph) and we plan to get married there.
The problem is that my brother (Jed 27) who has autism, ADHD, and global developmental delay, hates the sound of the waves and would throw a tantrum. I love my brother to death, I have been nothing but supportive, patient, and understanding because of his condition.
I grew up always accommodating my brother, he always comes first. His needs are always more important than mine. Growing up I got used to going to basketball games alone, closing exercises/graduation, recitals, and school presentations my parents never came to support me.
But I never hated my brother because I know it’s hard for him being autistic and nonverbal.
When Kim and I announced our engagement and plans on having a sunset beach wedding to our family, my mom suggested a church wedding instead.
She reminded Kim and me that Jed hates the beach and choosing it as our venue would mean Jed can’t attend. I told my mom Jed can wear noise-canceling earphones which he can remove once we go to the reception which will be held indoors.
She said that is unfair for my brother and if we insist on a beach wedding then she, Jed, and Dad will not be attending.
I love my family. I want them there on the most important day of my life but I want to give Kim her dream wedding.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As an autistic person myself with sensory issues, I definitely think if the beach is an important location for you and your partner then you should have it there. The wedding is about the two of you, not anyone else.
The headphones are a great way to help combat his sensory overload while still including him in your day or if sand/water is a physical sensory problem then he could miss the main ceremony and join for reception celebrations.
Prioritizing your love for your partner for one day does not mean you love your brother any less.” jayissouncool
Another User Comments:
“NTJ x1000. I’d simply tell your mom that all your life you’ve accepted and put up with being shunted to the side because of your brother and you don’t blame him because it isn’t his fault but the world doesn’t revolve around him, your parents do have another sibling and you’ve never once complained but just one day it would be nice to have a day be all about you and the woman you want to spend your life with and But if she isn’t coming than oh well.
Your father can film it. But it really hurts you that she isn’t giving you any kind of wiggle room or is willing to compromise.” PunkR0ck1995
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. As a mum of 6, 4 of them with Autism I try to make sure that the other kids still get to have a whole life.
The world does not revolve around anyone’s disabilities. The person with disabilities needs to know how to live in the world so that they have the fullest life possible. Using tools like noise-canceling headphones, dark glasses weight or tight clothing, etc…
By restricting places before researching and making use of what tools might be able to be used to make the place doable we harm both our children with disabilities and the family as a whole.” bigfatchair
2. AITJ For Banning My Husband's Boys' Nights At Our House After He Trashed It?
“I (28 female) told my husband (29 male) 2 days ago that I don’t allow boy’s night at our house if I’m not in the room. The day before I told him he invited 6 of his friends over while I went to visit my mom for 2 days.
I had no knowledge of this. When I returned I found him sleeping in our bed with the house in shambles.
I woke him up and asked what happened to the house. He replied with, “Boy’s night.” And completely brushed me off.
I told him to clean his mess right now. He did clean it up with my help to be fair but I was pretty mad. I thought about it for a bit then sat him down and said he couldn’t have any more boy’s nights.
He completely blew up at me and screamed about how I was controlling him and acting like his mother.
I was shocked at his behavior and went to a friend’s house for the night. When I returned he completely ignored me.
It hurt to see him brush me off when I tried to apologize. He slept in the guest room that night. AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Everyone’s a jerk here. I’d be upset too if I came home to find the house trashed. A serious conversation was definitely in order.
But saying he can’t have his friends over without supervision makes you his mom and not his partner. He is the jerk for not being responsible enough to keep the house in order. They are 29, not 19… You are the jerk for immediately banning all boy’s nights.
Communication is key here.” Fantastic-Focus-7056
Another User Comments:
“Info: How trashed is trashed? Are we talking about it looked like a party happened there and he didn’t clean it up till after you got home or are we talking about furniture overturned, things broken like a rock band’s hotel room?
Are you the kind of person who can’t sleep because there is a dirty glass in the sink, and you want to be there at a boy’s night because if someone drops some crumbs you can be there to stare them down to clean it up.
Or did you have to steam clean the carpets?” chinmakes5
Another User Comments:
“Absolutely not!!! NTJ. That is a huge violation. You left your home in a nice clean condition and your husband let his friends ruin all over it.
You have every right to be angry and tell him never again. College time is over and your home is not a frat house. I would have told him no more boys’ nights like that in our home ever again.
Maybe a BBQ in the yard after a while to prove that they know how to behave, and in that situation he is responsible for clean up. It’s both of your home, so if both of you are not OK with something, then it is a no. It’s called being married and being an adult.
If he and his friends want to do that to someone’s home then they can go somewhere else. That being said, leaving your home to prove a point and sleeping in the guest room sound juvenile. Those actions are playing with fire in a marriage.
Take those off the table as options in a fight, please. Try to have a discussion about it when you are both calm.” Pretty_In_Pink_81
1. AITJ For Not Wanting To Record My Husband's Graduation For His Unsupportive Parents?
“My husband (30sM) and I (30sF) live in his home state. His parents retired out of state a couple of years prior. They couldn’t visit much due to certain circumstances and his brother moved to a different state so his parents visit them frequently to help with childcare and home renovations.
During this time, my husband’s beloved grandmother took a turn in health and went into hospice. MIL and FIL visited to help with her care and they had a massive fight with grandmother’s primary caregiver, FIL’s sister. Grandmother passed peacefully in April 2021 and they were last here in March 2021.
My husband has noticed that they go to his brother 4+ times a year and haven’t returned to see us once since we’re the only family who associates with them now that grandmother passed and FIL’s sister told them to lose her number.
My husband speaks to them every 2-ish weeks and I know he mentioned months ago that he was committed to defend his thesis in May so he would graduate in June with his master’s degree. His parents have been the exact opposite of supportive of his schooling and have talked negatively about education his entire life.
He was permitted to drop out of high school and they scoffed at his efforts to gain more degrees. Throughout our 19-year relationship, I have been the one who built him up, ensured he got his GED and associate’s degree, and helped him believe in his potential for undergrad and grad school while they thought he was doing fine without striving for the jobs he truly wanted and trashed numerous career choices he expressed interest in.
I have been the primary breadwinner all along, even when I too was a full-time student. I am proud as heck of what he has done and what we have done together.
Last week his mom acted surprised about graduation coming up.
I’m not sure if she is surprised that he is finishing, if she is too self-absorbed to remember him describing the stress he is under in preparation for his defense, surprised he didn’t push them to come here for his graduation, I don’t know.
She suddenly became concerned that she isn’t scheduled to be here for his graduation. So she wants a video taken by me.
I want to enjoy this moment with him. She could have asked about graduation sooner than a month before if it mattered to her and planned accordingly.
I don’t want to experience this from behind my phone screen.
AITJ if I say no to recording his graduation for his detached and disinterested parents?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Some parents aren’t supportive of the advancement of their children, but they sure want to take credit for it or be able to brag.
It may be from hanging around too many relationship boards where this experience is common, but I bet they want the video to show off. Anyway, if your husband wants you to film his success, THAT would be the reason.
If he doesn’t care, then don’t block your view. Let him see your eyes shining in pride for him.” ChinSpin_1986
Another User Comments:
“My husband & I have really been adopting a “live the moment” attitude when it comes to this issue.
There are few things more annoying than being at an event and having someone holding their phone up, recording it. I understand the sentiment of recording to “better remember/never forget”. However, if you more fully immerse & are truly present, you gain a richer memory.
Snap a quick picture, sure; but recording really takes away from fully experiencing & appreciating the moment. Being that they’ve been so unsupportive about (& during) his education, can’t make him a priority, your husband wouldn’t be put out about it, officially makes you NTJ!” Kimmm711
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. What does your husband want? Does he want them at least to have a video of his graduation? Holding it against them that they didn’t remember his graduation when you say that he “mentioned it months ago.” You both could have put in more effort if you wanted them there – you don’t get to act hurt that they didn’t pick up on one mention from months ago, and immediately know how important this is to you.
It sort of sounds like you don’t want them to be there or have a video of it because you want your husband to focus on you during his graduation. You talk about how you were there for him, you supported him – are you sure you’re not trying to turn his graduation into a celebration for you, too?” QuackLikeMe
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