People Get Strategic In These 'Am I The Jerk?' Stories
20. AITJ For Opting Out Of Unequal Office Birthday Gift Contributions?
“I, 38(f), have been in the same work team for several years.
I recently decided that I would like to opt out of contributing money to birthday gifts at work, this is partly due to finances but more because I had started to notice that some people didn’t get the same birthday experience at work despite being on the same team for a reasonable amount of time (1 year +) and contributing to the gifts of others.
By this, I mean that we all contributed to gifts, but not everyone got a gift or afternoon tea on their birthday.
I had been on the team a long time, so I didn’t get missed off the birthday list, but others being asked to contribute and then not included seemed unfair to me in a workplace context.
It seemed that this situation didn’t bother most others, or at least I never heard anyone else mention it. It wasn’t sitting well with me though, and I had been finding it expensive to keep up with, so I opted out, but I gave finances as the sole reason as it was valid.
I explained to Katherine *, our boss and the birthday organizer, that I was happy to contribute financially or otherwise to cards and afternoon teas because I did want to participate, but that the gift-giving element was getting a bit expensive for me, so I wanted to opt out of contributing to or receiving gifts.
Directly after this Katherine explained to the whole team that the gift for Sarah* (not in the room) would require an extra few dollars each because I had opted out, which put me on the spot. It was pretty awkward, and seemed like the team was a bit puzzled.
Because at the time I opted out I didn’t know that Sarah’s gift had already been purchased I offered to contribute to Sarah’s gift and that was met with “Oh no, don’t worry about it” from Katherine in a tone that implied something rather different.
In short, I could tell that she was annoyed, but I didn’t understand why my decision bothered her so much. I wondered if I may have inadvertently broken a workplace etiquette rule by saying I didn’t want to contribute $$ to gifts.
I understand that many people find gift-giving important. I enjoy gift giving, I never expect gifts back from friends, a gift is a gift!, but I don’t enjoy seeing disparity in the workplace and I don’t want to contribute money unless it’s fair and everyone receives something, since everyone is contributing and it can feel a bit obligatory to do so.
I asked a friend about it, and her take was that it’s about workplace politics and that other people may also think what I think, but they are contributing because that is what you do in that situation, and that I made it awkward by opting out when most people would just put up with it.
She thought that the budget concerns wouldn’t wash because they earn similar to what I earn, and they can manage. She did think that my boss was a bit of a jerk though for putting me on the spot like that.
What I want to know is whether AITJ for opting out of gift-giving in this context?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Katherine may be using some of that money as her slush fund. Especially since OP says she notices a disparity between who gets gifts and who doesn’t.
OP, I would discreetly start looking around for another job.” Foreign_Company6090
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but your boss certainly was. Her actions were inappropriate. Contributing to department gifts should never be mandatory or put pressure on any staff member to participate.
I’ve managed several small and large departments. Money was collected before purchasing a gift or gift card. Your boss should never have called you out in front of the staff.” CollegeEquivalent607
19. AITJ For Leaving Mother's Day Celebration After My Mom's Toxic Behavior?
“I went to celebrate Mother’s Day with my family at their house today and had a fun evening of dinner and a movie planned. But before that, a quick family grocery store run to get us ready for the week since it’s Sunday today.
Things went south fast when my mom started venting to me about her incoming divorce from my dad during the trip. I got very triggered when she was sharing her revenge fantasies about my dad, saying how he would come back after the divorce when he had nothing and beg for her help.
To which of course, she will deny him.
I called her out on this and told her that she has a pattern of wanting to see people trampled and defeated for her satisfaction (i.e. when I moved out to my first apartment, she told me I’d be back at her house homesick and she would turn me away).
I told her that never happens! To which she interjected that we do all come back and ask for favors from her (i.e. having packages mailed to her home, doing laundry, etc.) Which sucks to hear that she sees it that way because I thought this was what family does?
I also help her with things like her divorce paperwork, babysitting my brother, giving her rides, filling out her insurance forms and income taxes, etc. Then she tells me to just stop talking about the subject. She just wants to enjoy her day and not think about the divorce or anything.
So I kept quiet.
Believe it or not, that wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. My sister ended up also coming to visit her and then telling me how my mom gave her attitude instantly. Before my sister even had a chance to tell her hello.
And so I told my sister what happened in the car with my mom while we were sitting on the couch. When my mom got wind of me talking to my sister, all the chaos broke loose. She told me I was a liar for telling my sister that she and I “fought” in the car and that she didn’t want to go anywhere with me today and stormed off to her room.
I said “Okay, I’m leaving. Goodbye.” and left without saying another word.
Then my sister calls to tell me that my mom and my brother are crying at home.
AITJ? I feel bad that she is crying on Mother’s Day but I don’t feel bad about leaving.
I don’t want to sit through her yelling at me in my face. I’d rather go home and be alone in the quiet. I hope that by leaving, my mom gets the message that she can’t just yell and scream at me any kind of way and I’ll just be there to take it.
Her shrieking has a way of piercing my mind and making me feel enraged. I preferred to remove myself from the situation instead of continuing to argue with her like I did in the car. I usually would have a guilt trip but tbh…I don’t feel guilty.
I feel I took the high road.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Doesn’t matter what day it is. It’s never okay for a mother/wife or any adult to act that way— sharing revenge fantasies and then getting upset someone doesn’t support the toxicity.
She also asked you to leave so she shouldn’t be mad you respected her request.” citygal686
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Divorced and Remarried mom of 2- my son is 19 and I would never complain to him about his father.
She should want you to love and respect your dad and she should not put you in that position. She chose to be cranky today- don’t feel bad. You are not the jerk, she is.” Pure_Wrongdoer_1835
18. AITJ For Ignoring My Mom's Requests And Using My ADHD As An Excuse?
“I (18f) just moved back home from college yesterday. My mom (59f) and my brother (18m) came to pick me up.
The problem started when my mom saw my room and what I was bringing home.
I stored my winter clothes, bedding, utensils, allergy meds, and school supplies in a storage unit with friends to cut down the load for the ride home. Despite this, I had a lot of stuff. My mom was upset with the amount I still had.
My brother barely put anything in storage, and they hadn’t eaten yet, so I excused her reaction because she was hungry and in pain. It was late when we got home, so I left most of my stuff in the car except to unpack the next morning.
I was up very late, about 3 am, which my mom knew because I accidentally woke her up. I’ve had sleep issues since I was 11 and take meds for it, but I forgot to take them with all the moving around.
I finally took them at 1 am, and they took 2 hours to kick in. I woke up late, and my mom had made brunch. We often don’t eat together as a family, so I assumed it wasn’t a big deal if I ate later (mistake one) and played games for a bit instead (mistake two).
Shortly after I woke up, my mom asked me to get the rest of my stuff out of the car and go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. I didn’t see this as urgent (mistake 3), lost track of time because I hadn’t taken my ADHD meds yet, and played for another 2 hours (mistake 4).
When I left my room to eat and shower, my mom was very angry, which was understandable given how long I’d made her wait unknowingly. I realized I had messed up and hadn’t been on the same page with her, so I asked her if she could tell me when she wanted things done.
I struggle with tasks that don’t have a set start and end time due to my ADHD, and I hadn’t realized she was waiting around for me. I thought she was resting, as she said she was in pain earlier, which usually means she’ll take pain meds that make her sleepy.
She got really mad, saying she “shouldn’t have to tell me, I should just do it,” and started screaming. I wanted to solve the problem, so it wouldn’t happen again, but she rejected my idea and kept screaming.
I started yelling back. Eventually, my brother joined in and told us both to knock it off, especially my mom. I agreed and told my mom, “You lived without us for months, you can do your darn dishes.” That’s when she said to pack a bag and leave.
AITJ? I know I messed up and was oblivious to my mom’s feelings, but I’m also hurt that when I tried to find a solution, she screamed at me. I shouldn’t have said what I did, but is kicking me out a reasonable response?
I’m staying at a friend’s house. I’m safe, but I can’t stand being in that house anymore. We go to family therapy but I’m tired of trying to make things work with her.
We’ve had fights like this, but this is the first time she’s kicked me out. AITJ? What should I do?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – I got to be real I would have expected you to get up (know you have stuff in my car) so take them out and if I had brunch prepared, I expect you to come to eat or say something because I made the effort to prepare/have the meal. I definitely wouldn’t expect you to wake up and decide to play games instead of getting your things out of the car especially when I asked you to move them.
If you have ADHD I’d also want you to take your meds on time or go get your meds to avoid this type of thing. After living with her for 18 years, you should know this. She asked you to move your things out of the car after you got up – you know what?
It’s not just this one ask – it’s after 18 years of her communicating with you. If you don’t understand when she asked you, she meant for you to do it right away (or at least after eating, using the bathroom, etc) but not hours after and with an interlude for games.
I’m not your mother, but I can feel her frustration. ADHD is tough (my husband has ADHD) but it’s not an excuse. She prompted you and you ignored her – that’s not ADHD.” Kami_Sang
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Gently but also forcefully. You know what you’re doing and you’re using your ADHD as a shield. As someone who also has ADHD I’m annoyed. Your “disability” is no one else’s responsibility but yours to manage.
When you don’t manage it, you don’t get to blame it and expect everyone else to accommodate you. This is one of those lessons you need to learn now so it doesn’t cause you bigger problems as a mature adult.
Good news! You’re still young and can take charge of your life and learn how to TCOB despite the ADHD. Advice: do everything you can immediately, don’t procrastinate.” whopeedonthefloor
Another User Comments:
“You tried finding a solution that still put the responsibility for you doing stuff on her.
She told you what needed doing; as an adult, it is your responsibility to figure out how to manage your challenges to do it. You’re right: she lived without you for months, and if you are going to treat her that disrespectfully, I’m sure she can continue to live without you.
You need to apologize and stop expecting her to be responsible for you. YTJ. BTW, this is coming from a person with ADHD who struggles with many of the same thongs as you. At 18 years old, mommy shouldn’t have to remind you to take your meds or give you a timeline for when stuff needs to be done.
17. AITJ For Moving My Kettle Downstairs Due To A Knee Injury?
“I (M) live with 4 others in a split-level home. My bedroom is upstairs, the kitchen and living room are upstairs, while the downstairs has my makeshift office for work.
One of my roommates (NB) and their partner (F) (who’s unexpectedly living with us but that’s a different story) essentially have chronic pain, so going up and down the stairs is painful for them. The roommates only ever go up and down the full set of stairs to do laundry once a week or so.
I’m a big tea lover. I own a temperature-controlled kettle for all my different kinds of teas that can’t be brewed with boiling water. I brew multiple cups a day as part of my routine. I let everyone use the kettle, which has been sitting in the kitchen for years.
I recently sustained a knee injury that makes it painful to go up and down the stairs frequently. I currently can’t walk without wearing a knee sleeve to keep it stable, so I try to make as few trips as possible during my work day, roughly starting between 8 and 8:30.
I’ve been drinking 2-4 cups of tea a day, so I brought my kettle downstairs to avoid the up and down. I did give everyone a warning about this plan ahead of time, with details. I have managed to conveniently bring everything with me all in one trip: kettle, pot, cup, breakfast, and laptop.
This has not sat well with my roommate, who also uses the kettle to brew several times a day. At the end of my workday, I bring it all back upstairs, and everyone else to use the kettle if they’d like.
It should be noted that I’m not stopping people from using the kettle when it’s downstairs with me.
My roommate has asked to keep the kettle upstairs until 9 or 10 when I can go grab it until we can find another kettle to keep upstairs.
I don’t want to do that, as going up the stairs is what makes it painful for me. I have not suggested they bring it to me for obvious reasons.
I should also state that they said they use the kettle to boil water, so I suggested using the pot & stove method to boil water, but they said it takes too long, especially on our crappy stove.
Today I learned that boiling to them means heating up, not necessarily boiling the water every time.
They also said that I’m not being considerate of their pain, and I admit that even though I’m in pain, it is on just one body part.
This situation only comes up because until recently, the kettle has been upstairs the whole time, and we have a kettle. But what if we didn’t?
One of the other roommates (M) sides with me, since it is my kettle and points out that this is only an inconvenience because there is a kettle available in the first place, that has now been moved. I have not asked the 4th roommate for her opinion yet.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t complicate what is a simple matter. It’s your kettle, so keep it where you like. Anyone unhappy with that arrangement can buy an inexpensive kettle. Gently, it seems as though you may spend too much time focused on what others think of you or your choices.
Live your life as you see fit, let others live theirs, and don’t waste another minute having anxiety over choices that are yours and yours alone. Life is too short.” CandylandCanada
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A roommate can buy a kettle.
If it’s the Cuisinart cordless one it’s $70 on Amazon. If they shop at Kohl’s it can cost less, if they have kohl’s Kohl’sr if they have kohl’s there are sometimes additional discounts. It’s your property so don’t feel bad about taking it downstairs to meet your needs.
This has nothing to do with the other roommates, just the entitled one who expects you to defer to their needs. Next, sit down with all roommates and talk about the partner being moved in without neither discussing it nor rent and utility payments.
Utilities now need to be split by 5; it doesn’t matter how the couple splits it between themselves. I assume you’re paying more in rent because you have 2 dedicated spaces; however you split it, roommate partner who isn’t on the lease needs to be responsible for part of the rent.
They may argue that they share a room but surely the partner uses common areas, cooking and eating when someone else could be using the kitchen and sitting in the living room when someone else could be doing so.
If they don’t like partner paying rent partner needs to move out.” Clean_Factor9673
16. AITJ For Not Paying My Roommate's Rent After He Spent His Money On A Mobile Game?
“For context, my roommate M25, and myself M24 have been renting a two-bedroom apartment for 5 years. Everything seemed to be going well. We would both pay our share of the rent and help each other out a bit now and then when needed. We both have full-time jobs and divide our chores by the days we have the most free time.
He started playing games or whatever on his phone after doing his share of after-work chores.
That was okay, it was his free time, and he could do whatever he wanted. Until it took over my free time.
He would start asking me to cover for his chores so he could play the game. And I did this thinking he was just a little burnt out and needed some recovery time. This went on for a couple of weeks and he started playing the game more, and more, and more.
He started to skip the meetups with our mutual friends, and he even started to skip his turns to go grocery shopping.
(All of that happened in 5 weeks. The next part happened at the end of the fourth week of the next month)
It was time to pay rent. I paid my half to the landlord and assumed that my roommate did the same.
I got a call from my landlord a few days later. She wanted to know why she hadn’t received the full payment.
(4 days overdue) I immediately double-checked my bank account to make sure I paid my half, and sure enough, I did. That only meant one thing, my roommate didn’t.
That night after my roommate and I were both off work I decided to talk to him about it.
I asked him why he didn’t pay rent and he said he didn’t have the money… This led to the question of why didn’t he have the money. (Mind he should have extra money considering he skipped his grocery week of the month which I told him)
His response to that was that he spent “a little” bit of his money on a mobile game.
Just a “little bit” and he couldn’t afford any part of his share of the rent? And he spent it on a MOBILE GAME?
I was silently praying that this was some prank, but it wasn’t. He wanted me to pay his share of the rent.
I refused to do it. In the heat of the moment, I wanted him to get the consequences of his actions, forgetting that those consequences would also affect me.
Even if I had agreed, I still wouldn’t have had enough money to pay full rent, especially considering I had to spend some of my extra money on the groceries he was supposed to buy that week.
He was mad, I was mad, and our landlord was even more mad.
The landlord started threatening with eviction (Rightfully so. It was the third time we didn’t have enough money in this year alone. Only the other times it was because of more reasonable things.)
We got the eviction notice.
He moved in with some other friends and I stayed at my parent’s place.
Our mutual friends are mad at me for not paying his rent. (He better be super good at whatever mobile game it is)”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and he needs to enter into some type of therapy or addiction group because this is a super common issue with people with impulse control issues. These mobile games rely on people like him(they call them whales sometimes) because they’ll spend hundreds and sometimes thousands on a simple mobile game.” Bella just
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If the two of you have already been late on rent a couple of times recently, it means that your collective budget is pretty tight. Your roommate knew this. He knew you didn’t have the money to cover his half of the rent, and he had no plan for how he would pay you back.
If you had paid for him, you would have been out the money and next month most likely in even worse financial shape. Your friends are way off base and I can only assume, don’t have all the facts.” 1962Michael
15. AITJ For Selling An NBA Team Shirt My Wife Bought Me That I Hate?
“Back in November, my wife accompanied me to an appointment I had out of town. While I was at said appointment she went shopping. She got me a shirt and when we got home she showed it to me while the shirt and design of the shirt are cool, it’s for an NBA team I utterly hated and despised for my whole life.
I told her this (re-reminded really) how much I hate this team and said I won’t ever wear it for that reason. At this point, she told me she might give it to her brother for his birthday.
I honestly didn’t want this shirt in the house but since she couldn’t take it back I just let it be. Maybe a couple of months later, while shuffling through my hung-up shirts in my closet it’s right there touching my other clothes!
While I have been openly hostile about throwing it away a few times in her presence I didn’t; and to defend my wife, she is not at all into sports* let alone North American sports (she is European raised) so she doesn’t get why I hate it and don’t want it around.
It stayed in my closet and every once in a while, I would run into it and had to fight myself throwing it in the trash.
Sometime in early April I decided to sell it, a few fans of that NBA team I knew were interested but the shirt was way too large for them, so it took a little while until I got rid of it and the person was elated about getting it.
I got a different shirt, one I love (and “now in retrospect”, would like for my brother-in-law to have instead), and kept the new shirt in my locker at work. Well, I completely forgot that my brother-in-law’s birthday is tomorrow (mid-May and she texted today (nearly 6 months after the original shirt was bought for me) while I was at work, looking for the shirt.
OFC she is livid that I got rid of the shirt and I even show her the other shirt but she is frankly so blindingly mad at me so she just wants me to take the shirt back and would rather show up empty-handedd’ (her words).
I’m upset because yes, she brought the shirt for me but I replaced it since she didn’t take into account or consideration it’s of a basketball team I not only never have worn or mentioned positively but openly that I hate, let alone I honestly love the other shirt. Yet she is mad because she was set on giving him that particular shirt after finding that I wanted nothing to do with it.
We even got into it over the definition of the word “GIFT”
* = For context: while this is not the team or even sport in question because she bought herself a NY Giants sweater ‘because she likes the colors’ and while I don’t like the Giants I don’t hate them either and it’s her sweater, all the while my NFL team is the San Francisco 49ers.
So I’m NOT that kind of FANatic.
So AITJ for replacing the shirt?”
Another User Comments:
“Your wife bought a shirt you said you didn’t want, and she replied that she would instead use it as a present for her brother, according to your retelling.
Why did you think you had the right or reason to give it away or sell it? It wasn’t a gift – it was a shirt your wife bought and you didn’t want. ” Ok-Classroom5548
Another User Comments:
“This is the snowflake snowflake sports ball lunacy I’ve ever read. Dear god, the horror of clothing touching other clothing. Sheesh. What a privileged life some people lead. That said, no, you’re NTJ as it was your shirt to do with as you pleased. But dear God, man.
Stub a toe or get a baby to punch you in the nose. Give yourself something real to cry over.” User
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and an immature one to boot. The horror that you had to endure that this jersey was touching your clothes!
You could have done a simple little thing that would have made your wife happy, but you put yourself first. She didn’t ask about it until the day before her brother’s birthday because you led her to believe it was settled. You can believe all the people saying Darnn her it was yours to do as you pleased” but you won’t be married for long.” EvilTodd1970
14. AITJ For Only Paying My Share Of Expenses In Shared Living Situation?
“I (20F) moved to a new state with my sister (27F) and her husband (30M). My sister and I decided to move in together to try and save a bit of money. We talked about sharing expenses, which I agreed to before moving in.
I even increased my monthly share because I felt like it was the right thing to do. Each of our shares for the rent is $500 and around $100 for the utilities (gas, electric, internet), so in total $600. I also pay my sister’s husband $30 every month for gas money and his service because he drops me to and from work 4 days a week.
The reason I give $30 a month is because I live 5 minutes or less than 2 miles away from work lol. I occasionally buy a few groceries when we’re out of certain things too or whenever my sister and I are craving for a certain dish.
My sister and I both have jobs while my sister’s husband is in school. We both work at our local grocery store and make an OK amount of money working there.
Recently, they’ve been struggling with money because they have so much stuff to pay for and my sister is the only one who is currently making money between the two of them.
I feel for her and want to help her out, but I’m trying to save up for a car and medical/travel expenses for my surgery next year. My dad has been messaging telling me to give my sister more money to get groceries or put gas in the car, which I already do by the way, so I wanted to come here and ask if I’m being a jerk for not wanting to give more than my share.
I was also considering giving more gas money to her husband, maybe $40 or $50 a month. I don’t know, I just think $30 is more than enough for how far I work.
Also, I think that it shouldn’t be my responsibility to help out with their bills.
It should be her husband’s responsibility to worry about helping her out. He’s literally at school for only 5 hours a day, 6 am-11 pm. When he’s home from school, he just hangs out at home in front of the TV with an Xbox controller in his hand.
He also uses up most of their grocery budget because he is very picky with food and doesn’t eat what my sister makes for us sometimes, so she would have to make a whole separate dish for him.
He also has a ton of bills because he financed a lot of his things and has bills due to a collection agency or something. I don’t know, I have no right to be in their business so I don’t want to tell her these things but he could be making 60k with the degree he currently has.
But because he doesn’t like his degree/previous job, he decided to go to school for a job that pays 40k, which I have nothing against, you gotta do what you want, right? However, if you see your SO struggling with bills, wouldn’t you want to help her out?
I guess he doesn’t care, which is why I never really liked him. He kinda gives me the ick.
Anyways, AITJ for only wanting to pay my share of the expenses?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. If I’m reading this correctly, each of you pays $500 for rent.
Is this then $1500? Or is this $1000? If it’s $500/p for 3 people, I think it’s a bit off. Yes, they are two people but they share ONE room. So rent should be split another way to be more fair to them.
You shouldn’t have to subsidize them on rent or whatever your dad is asking because their family finances are THEIR issue. They wouldn’t ask this of a regular roommate so it’s uncool to ask you. The issue I take is with $30/m for to/from work 4 times a week.
You’re counting gas, not wear and tear, and maintenance of a vehicle. Also, not sure where you live but $30/m is nothing even for 2 miles each way. That’s 4 miles 4 times a week so 16 miles. If you were using Uber or a taxi, you’d be paying more than $30 per day very likely.
So realistically, I’d pay $100/m or more for the chauffeur service.” archetyping101
13. AITJ For Not Cancelling A Pet Sitting Job To Attend My Partner's Dad's Funeral?
“My (20) partner (M20)’s dad passed away on Sunday. Understandably, he’s struggling with it, and as I lost family last year, I understand what it’s like, so I’ve been giving him grace, buying groceries/gas, cooking for him, etc. for the past few days.
The issue arises because I, as a college student, have a small business where I petsit for people. I have a client who I have had for several years who pays well and asked me well over a month ago to take care of her house and animals around the 4th of July.
This was obviously before his dad passed away. I also work around 30 hours a week for a decent wage.
The funeral has been planned for while I cannot go, as it is within the time I have already committed to house sit, and with it being within a week, it would be impossible for them to find someone on such short notice.
I was all for going as long as his family and he wanted me to go (we recently, in the last month, went to his home state for a week to visit them, and his father has been dealing with various health issues for a long time.
When planning the trip, there was an unspoken ‘while we still can see him’. Since we recently took a trip, my savings are gone. I don’t have the money for a plane ticket in the first place.). Also, when this ordeal started, I went over to his apartment to try to talk to him in person about it.
He was on the phone with one of his dad’s siblings, who I had met before, who told him that it would likely be best to leave me behind so that he could focus on supporting his mother and siblings.
(Genuinely not a case of his family/this relative not liking me, at least to my knowledge, but because if I came along, it would probably be harder for him to give his immediate family the support that they need right now.)
My partner seems to be seeing it as me picking sitting over his dad’s funeral, without taking the other factors, such as money, into account. To take this trip, I would miss out on over $1,000 of much-needed money, as well as spending what I do have at the moment on my plane ticket (which alone is about $1,000 that I do not have to lie around – it would have to go on a credit card or be loaned to me by my parents, who are aware of what’s going on).
This isn’t even accounting for other expenses. As I told him, if it was not within the 9 days that I had already committed to a job, I would go in a heartbeat, even if it was going to take every dollar I had left. I see where he’s coming from, but I also don’t think he’s thought about how this trip would impact me financially.
I may be the jerk here because I am not willing to cancel the job I already took on and put myself into debt to go to his dad’s funeral.
So WIBTJ if I don’t cancel on my client to fly out of state and attend his father’s funeral?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here Look. If you *have to* miss it then you have to miss it. But please know that it will mean the end of your relationship. He just lost his father. Not being there for him will cause a rift between you.
He needs the emotional support of a loved one, and you can’t fill that role for him. In his hardest time, you will be unavailable. And there will never be an opportunity to make this up to him.
So do what you have to do, but don’t expect the relationship to survive if you can’t be there for him” [deleted]
Another User Comments:
“If this is someone you see yourself having a future with YTJ. This is their parent’ passing….the whole point of having serious relationships is the whole through thick and thin stuff.
I mean seriously, if your dad died and you needed him there for support would you be OK with him not going for any reason at all? These are the types of situations where you make it happen regardless of the costs.
That being said, if he ain’t the one forget it” Silent-Researcher-24
Another User Comments:
“I hate to say the same thing as everyone else but this is going to cost you your relationship. Maybe not immediately but how is he supposed to look at you as a partner after this?
It’s not like he lost a hamster, it’s his dad. I know it’s inconvenient to miss work for this but I think you need to look at what’s important to you. It’s ok if you want to choose your job but just be ready for what comes next.
When my wife and I first got together her grandpa died and in my immaturity wasn’t as helpful in the first moment as I could be. I was able to get my act in gear and support her correctly after some reflection and I think it saved my relationship” xibal123
12. AITJ For Making Normal Living Noises In My Shared Apartment?
“I live in a 4 in block and recently I’ve been having issues with my downstairs neighbor texting me about noise.
I often hear her partner shouting profanities at football and video games, sometimes multiple times a week and sometimes late at night. She has made comments previously about people upstairs, “as long as they’re not intimate in the room above her as she bought the flat with a 90 y/o above and she ain’t hearing people being intimate”.
We’ve built up a pretty good rapport since moving in. However, two situations recently where she’s texted me:
Two weeks ago, I’d had people in for drinks through the night and when people left in the early hours, I had company and we were intimate for a couple of hours.
She texted me “Mate, what are you saying?!” at 8 am in response to hearing the headboard banging. This is the first time I’ve been intimate in my flat in the 6 months we’ve both been living here and I feel it’s a bit excessive to text me the first time.
I’ve heard them being intimate more than once and I’d just turn the TV on, go in another room, or put earphones in.
Last night I got home after 1 am having been at my friends. My friend then showed up at mine in her PJs, upset after an argument with her fiance who she’s marrying in 4 weeks, and saying she was leaving him.
My spare room is situated above their bedroom, I made my bedroom the smallest room in the house so I wasn’t living directly above them. My friend was in the spare bed talking about what happened before going to sleep, she was talking in an emotive tone but she wasn’t by any means shouting.
Within 10 mins my neighbor texted me saying I’d woken her up by coming home with my pals and could I keep the noise down, which again I feel was a bit unnecessary considering it’s only one female voice she would’ve heard.
I replied saying I came home alone and my friend showed up and explained the situation, but I feel like I shouldn’t need to explain to my neighbor when situations like this arise and there’s a bit of noise coming from my flat.
This is just what you sign up for when you live in a four-in-a-block flat, she rarely hears noise from my flat aside from people being in for drinks occasionally and I’ve checked the noise levels with her.
She could easily end up with a family living above, with crying babies waking her up through the night.
To add another layer, I messaged her a few days ago asking about our shared drying green and what she wants to do with it, as we are entitled to a half share each and whether she wants to use it communally or do half and half and she just ignored me.
This was the second time I asked and she ignored me the first time too. Then she sends me these passive-aggressive messages about noise. I wish I hadn’t given her my number or built up such a friendly rapport.
I could send similar messages when I hear them being intimate or him shouting late at night but I’m not a petty person and I’d rather avoid the awkwardness.
AITJ for making this noise in the first place or is she overreacting?”
Another User Comments:
“Are you located in Scotland? The term “drying green” leads me to believe so. If you were in the US, I’d recommend checking with the municipality where you live about the local noise ordinance. My town restricts loud noises between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. If you have similar laws, you might try to stick to them.
If your floors are uncarpeted, you might want to invest in some noise-deadening rugs. FWIW though, your neighbor sounds like a pain in the butt.” Nenoshka
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for making normal living noises in your flat.
Living in close quarters means some noise is inevitable, and your neighbor’s responses seem excessive given the circumstances. You are considerate about noise levels and understanding of their noise, yet they are not reciprocating this tolerance. It’s reasonable to expect a bit of noise in shared living situations, and her passive-aggressive texts, along with ignoring your messages about the shared space, indicate she might be overreacting.” submissive girls
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. God, I hate people like her. People have to live in their apartments. Sometimes that means there’s a bit of noise. It’s one thing if you’re having loud raucous parties every night, but if it’s just some very occasional noise of the type you’d expect from normal activity?
She needs to grow up and deal with it instead of having a tantrum. Nobody can be perfectly quiet 100% of the time and it’s unreasonable to expect that.” refer
11. AITJ For Breaking Up With My Partner With BPD Multiple Times?
“For context, I (21F) started seeting this guy (25M) about a year ago.
We have been on and off for issues related to his BPD such as:
• He would make a huge deal out of me not spending time with him on video games or watching movies (even if I explained that I was busy)
• He accuses me of talking to other guys constantly even though I took it upon myself to delete all guy friends or any exes (just out of respect). There were no other guys in my life aside from his friends as commanded I wasn’t allowed to make new guy friends.
• He would regularly invade my privacy, as well as go through my phone without asking, and get mad if I did not give him my phone. (I get *why* some people need to check phones but he makes me show him private messages between other friends, etc)
• He would threaten to post my intimate photos, share personal things about me with my own family, or just “air out” my business to random people.
• He admitted to gaslighting and manipulating me, upon several instances. All of which he would take back later and say “It was a joke”
• He constantly yelled at me for minuscule things like ‘not listening to him’ while we were on a video game together, or if he asked me a personal question and I responded truthfully (about past partners), he would begin to yell and lash out toward me.
Because of those reasons and many more, we have broken up multiple times and he would say that he was going to get therapy (which did not happen) and promise to get better (which did not happen), with our most recent breakup being last month.
I told him that I did not want to be with him anymore and that if he wanted to be in my life, we could only be “friends”. I immediately regret that decision as he has gotten more verbally aggressive since placing that boundary.
Tonight was the last straw as he became emotionally abusive because I did not want to play a video game with him.
I took it upon myself to stand my ground and did not get on the game as I told him, “friends” would not force something like this on one another.
This made him very triggered and he ended up spamming my phone/discord simply because I did not want to respond to his threats. His final message was him saying he was going to disappear off the grid
I have contacted his brother and told him to check on him.
I have also told him personally to seek help at a hospital or talk to a friend about how he is feeling.
Has anyone ever experienced a lover/ex with BPD doing something so harmful to their relationship that it has gotten to this point?
What have you done to cope with this kind of situation?
Is there something I am doing wrong for him to react so negatively toward me?”
Another User Comments:
“Girl that is insane. He is straight-up abusive towards you.
Even if this was just his BPD (which I am confident it is not) you still have to take care of yourself and your safety first and foremost. He will not stop or change in any way and you should get away as quickly and as quietly as you can.
He could ruin your life further if you still keep in contact. Also, does he still give any of your private photos? Because this could be a problem. 100%nta I am sorry you have to go through this.
Hope it gets better and you get out and live a happy stress-free (as much as possible) life” dizel20
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I have experience working with personality disorders. You will never meet the expectations he has of you and in his head, he is always right.
There is no point arguing, no point attempting or hoping he will change. What you are experiencing is domestic violence, he is abusive, manipulative, and controlling, and no doubt blaming his diagnosis on the reason for his behavior, and therefore taking no responsibility for his actions.
I suggest you block him on all platforms completely, and if need be, file for a restraining order for the harassment if it escalates after blocking him.” ElectricalTaste4519
10. AITJ For Defending My Younger Brother's Turn On Xbox Against Our Mother?
“So I (16f) have a younger brother (12m) who’s constantly being picked on by our mother (44f) She’s always calling him lazy and a problem child and assuming he’s not doing things properly or right.
Today he went to school while, my mother,r and my other brother (3m) stayed home. My littlest brother, who I will call MA, had the TV all morning to keep him quiet. At about 10 am she took him out, and at about3 pm, I got on the TV to play Minecraft. At about the same time, my other brother, who I will call LU, came home from school.
It’s worth mentioning here that he has a game he really loves to play that he can ONLY play on our Xbox. So after an hour of play I handed the Xbox over to him so he could have a turn.
Almost immediately, our mother came barging in, demanding that he turn his game off so MA could have the TV. I suggested that MA watch his cartoons on my phone so LU can have a turn on his game- therefore, everyone is happy.
She shot me down saying everyone was happy anyway so why bother, ignoring LU’s protests that he WASN’T. So when she went outside to smoke I went behind her back and put the cartoons on my phone. MA was perfectly happy until he realised LU was getting a turn on the Xbox and then demanded his cartoons back on the TV.
So my mum walked in on this and got angry because she’d said it was MA’s turn on the Xbox. Then she went and physically turned off the TV to stop LU playing. I got up and turned it back on.
I told her plain and simple that I thought she was being unfair. She replied ‘life’s not fair.’ She asked me why I thought LU deserved a turn on the Xbox and who would keep MA entertained. I replied that *I* would.
(For context, this is a weapon she uses regularly, the whole ‘well you’re not going to do anything that inconveniences you so you’ve got no leg to stand on’. She has a whole thing about how selfless she is and how everyone else owes her and how hard life is for her so she’s allowed to do whatever she wants.)
Anyway we went on to turn the TV on and off on and off as she ranted about how she’s in control and it’s her household and I don’t get a say and how disrespectful I was being and I ranted back about how unfair she was being to my brother.
At one point she even turned on him and said ‘this is how I raised you. I distracted you with screens’. I don’t know what the aim was but the tone was malicious. Then she sent us both to our rooms. So I stormed out of the house and my brother came with me.
But then when I calmed down I wondered if I was actually in the right. She keeps saying I don’t understand yet because I’m sixteen and she feels judged by me. Is she right- should she be afforded all the control?
Am I just being sixteen? Or was I right to stick up for LU?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ: However, a lesson you should keep in mind for the future is “***even with the best intentions, you can make someone’s unfair situation worse***”.
So you need to tread carefully. Unfortunately, you hurt this situation. All you achieved was making your mom angrier at your brother – to the point where she punished him by sending him to his room. You inadvertently made things worse for him.
Regardless, you are not in the wrong.” Impossible_Rain_4727
Another User Comments:
“NTJ parents can be unfair and have favorites and least favorites, sometimes the differences in preference of children is subtle and sometimes it hits like a truck.
This is a snap shot of your life, but if you feel he’s being treated unfairly and bullied I’d hazard a guess you are right. Good for you for looking out for your brother and showing him someone has his back, and honestly good for you to call your mother out.
She’s doing the bare minimum by supplying food, clothes, and shelter but she’s not obligated to love any of you, remember that when you second guess yourself on these issues and try to look at them objectively.” Ijimete
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s mature of you to stand up for him, and it sounds like you’re really trying to do your best in the situation. However, your mom sounds like she’s under stress, so she might not be aware of how she’s affecting everyone else.
Also, I think it’s really good that you’re thinking about these things and questioning the fairness in your home. Keep being there for your bro.” moonlightglow
9. AITJ For Not Accepting My Mom's Partner's Apology After He Yelled At Me?
“I’m staying at my mom’s house temporarily while I go through the process of buying a house.
It’s been less than a month but her partner lives with her and it’s become apparent that he isn’t happy I’m there. He doesn’t like sharing any sort of attention with my mom and gets very competitive with anyone who gets in the way of that including my nieces.
Lately, if I’m in the same space as them he becomes controlling, interrupts our conversations, and tries to start arguments about trivial things.
Last night he started arguing with me about what vegetables were in the garden. It began with a simple conversation of me telling my mom that the plant that she thought was watermelon was zucchini as you could see the squash blossoms and the vegetable growing out of it.
He ran over to the plants got out his plant app and started explaining which each plant was. When I attempted to correct him about the zucchini which he insisted was pumpkin he then aggressively turned on me and started yelling “Of course YOU would know.
I KNEW that YOU would KNOW!” This went on for a few minutes as his yelling this same thing over again incessantly got louder. I excused myself and went to my room to not escalate the situation any further.
Tonight about 10 minutes before he came home he left me a text message and a voicemail, apologizing and saying that he has a character defect of sarcasm and that he was trying to be funny. I didn’t respond to the message right away and before I knew it, he was walking in the front door.
The moment he walked in he started bombarding me with the same excuses of being sarcastic and having a “character defect.” I responded to him that that’s fine, but I don’t think that he was trying to be funny and I have a different idea of sarcasm.
Before I knew it he was in my face blocking my entrance to the house and started screaming with his finger pointed at me about 5 inches away from my face and started screaming that he was apologizing.
I managed to get around him through the entryway.
He then said I love your mom. After an awkward pause, he then said I love your sister and you. I replied I don’t think you do but you don’t have to and that’s OK.
He then snorted back “I hope you find happiness someday.” Insinuating this has something to do with what’s going on in my life or my personality.
I said “Wow ok I’m done” and walked away. He then began to scream again that he apologized and that I just refused to accept his apology.
The rest of the evening I stayed in my room and he stayed away. My mom got home and ignored me and my attempts to speak with her. She called me at 9 PM and asked what I wanted and a very rude voice and then basically hung up on me when I said I wanted to talk to her so I can only imagine the story he told her.
I need to find an alternative living space but do I have to forgive his rude apology that seemed worse than his original offense?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ You’re not required to forgive someone after an apology especially if they show no remorse.
He doesn’t regret what he did as he continued the same pattern of behavior that landed you guys in this predicament in the first place. I agree that you need to find a different living arrangement and potentially put space between you and your mom’s partner.” ClairbleFun
Another User Comments:
“NTJ he sounds like my father, he once argued with me for 3 days because he thought potatoes were grain and then proceeded to make a big deal of it for weeks. He was “just being funny”, lol no he was being an angry dumb person and then taking it out on me.
My father was abusive and he liked to excuse a lot of his behaviour by saying he was just joking. You are not required to accept an apology. His saying that you didn’t accept it means that he’s mad you’re not giving him a pass, it’s not an apology if he expects forgiveness.
Anyway, it wasn’t an apology anyway, it was making excuses.” [deleted]
8. AITJ For Forgiving A Friend Who Betrayed Me And Not Consulting Another Friend About It?
“I (17F) have been in a friend group since 9th grade, including four other girls and my deskmate who joined last year.
This year, we were closer than ever, but I was especially close with my deskmate and two girls, M and B. I was closest to B in the fall and we hung out alone a few times.
The story begins on the last day before Christmas break.
Our school planned a field trip, and M organized a Christmas party at her house. Most girls decided not to go on the trip, leaving only me and B. The night before, B told me she wasn’t going.
I was mad because I’d be alone and felt she didn’t care about me. I wrote in our group chat, expressing my frustration. B apologized then and at the party, and we moved on.
After Christmas break, I noticed the girls, except M and my deskmate, were cold to me.
We planned a spring trip, and B ended up wanting to change rooms because of the December incident, saying she was uncomfortable. I thought we were fine, but she hadn’t mentioned it before.
In January, I planned a Marie Antoinette-themed birthday party, asking everyone to wear light colors.
Except for M and my deskmate, the girls showed up wearing black. For M’s birthday, the girls went all out with costumes and they bought new clothes and accessories.
M later confessed that the girls had been talking behind my back, saying I was pushy and selfish.
We had a group talk, but they had no examples of my pushiness. I sent a bold message in the group chat, stating I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I remained friends with M and my deskmate, but M hid our friendship from the others.
When I confronted M about this, she cut me off.
My deskmate remained friendly with M and one other girl, but they didn’t talk much. During this time, I became close with K and she supported me during everything.
K once ignored M, angering her. K said she didn’t want to talk to M after what she did to me. Around the same time, my mom found out about the situation and texted M as they knew each other well before we fought, but M didn’t reply, instead texting me to not bother her anymore and then blocking me on everything.
For two months, I didn’t speak to any of them. Recently, M apologized and wanted to be friends again. We talked and decided to move. I knew K wouldn’t agree but thought it was my decision.
K was very mad at me, feeling I should have consulted her. I explained I learned about it the same day and tried to tell her, but she didn’t notice. K said some people don’t get second chances, removed me from social media, and ended our friendship, saying she couldn’t hang out with someone friends with M.
She also said M should have apologized to her too.
I told K she wasn’t the one treated badly and I wasn’t obligated to get her advice. She got really mad, said I was stupid, and wished me luck sarcastically, knowing my big goals.
So, AITJ for forgiving M and the things I said to K”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. However you need to reevaluate a few things. You got angry at your friend to begin with because they made their own decision about not attending and you somehow made that about you.
Now that you have been in a position where you have had to act independently and stand up to make your own decisions do you see how you not only overreacted by were acting in a self centered manner in the beginning of all of this?” Elegant_Bluebird_460
Another User Comments:
“Reflect on why forgiving M was important and how it aligns with your values and goals, ensuring your actions reflect the friend you want to be. Communicate openly with friends about decisions affecting them; for instance, a heads-up to K about your conversation with M could have made her feel included. Balance your friendships by considering how reconciling with M impacts K, as friendships require compromise.
Recognize K might feel betrayed and undervalued, understand her perspective, and validate her feelings. Communicate your boundaries and expectations, explaining your decisions to forgive and their implications. Make decisions you believe are right, however, be strong enough take responsibility for them, and be prepared for consequences.
Have an honest conversation with K to address her concerns and clear misunderstandings. Regardless of the outcome, focus on building positive relationships and growing from this experience.” Ishhh_20
7. AITJ For "Stealing" Items From My Former Coworker?
“I (20F) used to work at a bagels and coffee store with my former coworker we’ll call Kacy (21F). We were part of a friend group involving many of our coworkers, former coworkers, and customers.
Kacy lives with my close friends so I was often over at their house. What kicked off this whole situation, and the title of the post is I went over to their house to visit my friend we’ll call Dan (20NB), after we went to a small concert, Dan does not drink and it was just weeks after New Year’s eve, they know I do and they offered me a bottle of vodka that was not touched for several weeks and they knew that I liked, so I took it home with me.
Kacy was in the kitchen was this exchange was happening and told me goodbye and watched me leave with it.
The next week the whole friend group was going to do a game night at Dan and Kacy’s house and I brought the vodka back with me.
When I walked in Kacy told me that it was her vodka and that I had taken it from her and then when I told her that Dan had given it to me, she said I know but it’s still mine.
I told her I brought it back for us to drink anyway, and then I tried to move on and enjoy the night but it got brought up again and it turns out my now roommate was the one who paid for it and was never paid back for it by Kacy.
Not too long after at work, I had to go into the walk-in to organize it, and in our office, we had a ton of jackets left by employees or customers. I asked around the people on shift to see if the jacket I was borrowing belonged to anyone and they said it did not so I borrowed it.
While I was on the walk Kacy came in for her shift and when I came out I was freezing so I was still wearing the jacket. Kacy came up to me and asked to examine the jacket, after doing so she told me it was her’s, I apologized and told her why I was wearing it and that I didn’t know it was hers.
She walked away and did not ask me to take it off, I put it back in the office when I left for the day.
Kacy would later complain to Dan that I was taking multiple things from her, that she didn’t trust me, that she didn’t want me in her house, and if I was in her house when she wasn’t there she wanted Dan to lock her bedroom door, that she didn’t want me to sleep over on the couch when I’m inebriated, and that she was uncomfortable around me, this ended up causing a massive rift in our friend group that I am willing to explain more but I don’t want this post to get too long.
So AITJ for “stealing” from my former coworker?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ Kacy sounds shady and like a mean girl. She’s an adult she could have spoken up at any point about the vodka and because she didn’t it wasn’t your problem it was Dan’s problem because they gave it to you.
Sounds like she’s causing rifts just because she can. Question Are there any other females in the friend group?” duckoffthanks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ from your explanation, it sounds like you didn’t do anything wrong about the liquor bottle.
As for the jacket, you didn’t ask everyone so I can see why she or anyone else would have been ticked off. She’s going a little overboard and her demands are over the top.” LoveBeach8
6. AITJ For Not Telling My Wife About My 'Rag' That She Mistook For A Washcloth?
“When we bought our house, I wanted to install a bidet, but my wife was against it.
I told her she doesn’t have to use it but she said just seeing it would gross her out. I mentioned not feeling clean just from wiping with paper and she didn’t understand. She asked if I could find an alternative.
I said I could use wet wipes, but they’re not flushable (none of them are BTW) so they’d have to go in the trash. She told me to figure something else out that she didn’t have to know about.
So, onto my rag. I took an old towel, tore it up, and installed a discreet hook behind the toilet to hang the rag. It’s completely hidden. The way our bathroom is set up (we only have one), the sink is right next to the toilet.
So I’m able to wet the rag, clean it up, wash it in the sink, and hang it back up. I swap it out a couple of times a week. Gross? Maybe. But I figured that’s my business since my wife did not want to hear about my cleaning habits.
Recently my wife and I were showering together and she forgot to bring in a washcloth for herself. I don’t use one, I use a sisal pouch with bar soap. I offered to hop out and grab her a washcloth, but she said, “No, don’t worry about it, I’ll just use yours!” and reached for my rag.
I said you don’t want to use that. She asked why. I said just trust me. She kept pushing.
So I came clean about my rag. She was horrified, started dry-heaving, and kicked me out of the shower.
She had been using it as a washcloth for years whenever she forgot hers, which was often. What I don’t get is how she thought that was my washcloth because A) It’s hidden behind the toilet and B) She knows I don’t use a washcloth.
We got into an argument. From my perspective, it was obvious that my rag wasn’t a washcloth, all bets are off when you use someone else’s stuff without asking, and her hangups are interfering with my hygiene. From her perspective, I violated a clear boundary she set years ago and I’m just an overall gross person.
I did apologize but I was upset and my apology wasn’t really sincere.
I’m sleeping on the couch right now to try and give her some space. But I’d like to know if I owe her a more sincere apology over this rag fiasco. I’m not sure and her reaction has me thinking that maybe I am disgusting and I’m lacking the perspective to see it.
But I also don’t think her aversion is normal, and it’s the main reason I ended up resorting to the rag solution in the first place and not telling her about it.”
Another User Comments:
“I see the problem.
How are you supposed to warn her about something she doesn’t want to know about? She could have asked, “Hey, what’s that washcloth that’s behind the toilet?” Unfortunately, she’s been using your rag as a washcloth…. but also it couldn’t have been gross or anything, since she had no problem using it (so clearly it didn’t smell or have poop stains on it).
I don’t see much way around this whole extreme aversion without having a second toilet for you to use with a bidet or rag.” fallingintopolkadots
Another User Comments:
“How on earth are people defending this? Are you using a cloth WASHING IT IN THE SINK quickly and then hanging it back up?
That’s disgusting. Used wipes, even jumping in the shower straight after, but my friend was disgusting and I couldn’t look at my partner the same after that. Gross regardless of her not asking what it was, why should she?
We’re not imagining our partner smearing poop on a cloth and hanging it back up. She’s not the weird one.” miphink
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, duh. Why would she wash with a random rag if she doesn’t know why it’s there?
Presumably, you have a place where clean towels are kept that isn’t behind the toilet. This reminds me of the time my ex sprayed his hair liberally with my shoe shine spray without reading the label first. Also, I can’t speak from experience but aren’t married people supposed to eventually be comfortable sharing personal details?
She just sounds very sheltered. The fact is that you want to be clean, and she should appreciate that. She is shaming you into a dirty lifestyle! That’ll give her something to dry heave at. She needs to get over it.
With that said, I do think your rag is kind of weird, I know some cultures keep a little bucket or watering can by the toilet for washing. I don’t know the details of the technique. Maybe keep a plant in the bathroom and disguise the watering can as something for the plant.
Just make sure she doesn’t drink from the spout lol.” Pristine_Hedgehog301
5. AITJ For Refusing To Participate In New Mother's Day Tradition With Dad's New Wife?
“So my (16m) mom passed away 7 years ago. And things have changed a lot since then. About a year after my mom passed away my aunt (dad’s sister) passed away and he took on two kids who were babies when my aunt passed away.
I didn’t know my aunt and Dad never knew she had kids or anything. So it was a big change that happened after a big loss/change in our lives. Since Dad had my cousins he would let me go to my aunt and grandma for Mother’s Day and we’d celebrate Mom on that day.
My aunt was also married with kids and they’d be with us too. For me, it’s the best way to spend Mother’s Day because I miss my mom like crazy and kinda hate the day in some ways because she’s not here.
Two years ago my dad met his new wife. She had three kids already and before they had a chance to introduce us all she got pregnant. So things went super fast and we met each other and she and her kids moved in, their baby was born 7 months ago and they got married 3 months ago.
My dad and his wife were talking about Mother’s Day and they wanted to start a Mother’s Day tradition for “our” family. That includes us all. I heard about it two nights ago when I got up to get some water and they were discussing some last-minute stuff.
Mainly dad telling me and my grandma and aunt. I told him I didn’t want to take part in their tradition and I wanted to keep my own. He told me traditions change. I told him I already hated the day enough and I didn’t want to celebrate his new wife.
I told her that I just wanted my family. She told me she and the kids are my family now and she’s the mom of the family. I told Dad he knew how much I struggled with Mother’s Day already.
He said he knew, but he wanted us to be a close family and he didn’t want me standing outside of it. I told him that would happen if he forces this for two years or not because I’ll never consider his wife my mom and I’ll never look at her as a mother figure for me.
I told him I have two amazing ones in my life and I lost my mom. I told him he had no idea what it’s like to lose your mom. But it’s one of the worst things that can happen.
He told me they weren’t okay with me missing out on starting new traditions as a family. I told him I wouldn’t take part willingly. That they will be forcing it every step of the way. His wife said I could at least try.
I told her I shouldn’t have to when I don’t have a mom to celebrate. They should be more accepting of that. I told her she has both her parents too so she can’t understand either.
They both got annoyed with me for refusing to change my stance.
I told them one more time that I wouldn’t take part willingly. Dad tried talking to me on his own but he got more frustrated because I tried to be open about how it all made me feel.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Generally I would never say this: I would tell them, if you make me do this, I will make you regret it and make it as awful for everyone as I possibly can. I will accept whatever punishment you give me after doing it, but I will make you regret this.
If you won’t respect my feelings about MY mother, there’s no reason for me to respect your delusional plans to pretend we are a family. And tell them: You can force me for 2 years, but I have the rest of my life to make you regret those two years.
And I will.” DomesticPlantLover
Another User Comments:
“Your dad needs to understand that you can’t “force” a tradition and you can’t “force” a child to accept a stepparent as a parent. Ironically it ALWAYS backfires—SERIOUSLY it ALWAYS BACKFIRES.
A cousin went through the same thing as you– being forced to give up connections to their birth mom to placate the stepmom. The day she turned 18 she packed her stuff and moved in with her grandparents. Her dad and stepmom threatened to withhold her college funds unless she came back (LOL so stupid the funds were held in trust by her mom and her dad had no control over the funds.) She went to scorched earth NC with him and the new family but surprised everyone when she showed up at stepmom’s funeral. Dad was overwhelmed with emotion that she’d shown up in his “time of need” and tearfully embraced her thanking her and she said, “I’ve waited most of my life to see this terrible woman in the ground.
I wouldn’t have missed this for the world.” celticmusebooks
Another User Comments:
“NTJ you’re 16 and have known this person for about a year. Realistically even if she was perfect and took the relationship slow she never had a hope of being a mom to a teenager.
You’re too old for that. The best she could hope for was a friendly relationship, but that requires mutual respect and she’s not giving you any and is somehow shocked that you don’t respect her or appreciate her behavior.
Your dad is doing the same thing. If they keep it up it will permanently damage your relationship with your dad. You only have 2 years until you’re an adult. Your dad needs to realize if he forces the situation he will lose you.
He doesn’t seem to understand he’s choosing his wife’s feelings over a relationship with his child. Maybe let him know what’s really at stake here.” Silaquix
4. AITJ For Defending My Niece And Nephew After They Refused My Sister On Mother's Day?
“My sister Emily (33f) married a widower just under 2 years ago. His first wife had been gone for 3 years when they got married. Her stepkids are Caine (11m) and Kaia (10f). Last year on Mother’s Day Emily was in the hospital recovering from major surgery.
She had undergone a complete hysterectomy due to some medical issues and an extremely high cancer risk. So it was devastating for her because she always wanted to have biological children. She loves her stepkids and even before this she was trying to be a second mom to the children but they weren’t warming up to her fast and Emily was upset about that already.
She told me it was extra devastating knowing she wouldn’t have biological children. She told me she was going to do everything she could to win their hearts.
I’ll be honest, it hasn’t been going well. Emily is no closer to Caine or Kaia and Emily told me the kids even deny she’s part of their family to other people and that it hurt her.
So when she told me that she was being celebrated on Mother’s Day this year and she was getting gifts and cards from the kids I was a little surprised.
On Sunday the kids were visibly angry when they arrived at my parent’s house.
BIL kept whispering to them and they were glaring at him. Emily looked so excited though. When we sat down for lunch my BIL gave Emily handmade cards and the kids flipped out and snatched them out of Emily’s hands before she could even open them.
They started yelling that those were for their mom and not Emily. Emily asked them about cards for her and they said they got her nothing. She asked why made the cards for their late mother and not her.
BIL chimed in and said he had some for her. The kids asked why and BIL said because Emily does so much for them and she’s taken over as mom. Emily added in after him that she couldn’t be luckier with the kids she got either.
The kid’s anger got much worse and they started singing/chanting that she’s not their mom, they don’t want her, they don’t love her, they don’t care about her and it was repeated over and over again. Emily was crying.
BIL was comforting her and I suggested to him that maybe he could take the kids home. My parents were comforting Emily and BIL did take the kids home.
It was several hours after and my parents were calling the kids evil, nasty, disgusting, little jerks, and rotten, saying they should be put in an old school orphanage where nobody wants them.
Just all kinds of awful things. And I know the kids hurt Emily and acted out badly. But I don’t think being so awful about literal children is good. I told them as much. Emily told me they were just defending her.
I told her that their comments about the kids wouldn’t help her or fix things for her. My parents said I should hate the kids just as much as they do for what they did to my sister.
And the fact I spoke up is still bothering them because I got texts from them and Emily about it afterward.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. All the adults (aside from you, by the sound of things) are acting poorly in their own way.
Even if your parents want to defend and comfort their daughter, the things they say about the kids are revolting. But more importantly for the kids, I think, is that Emily and your BIL are trying to pressure them into accepting her as a mother figure and they don’t want that.
I understand that your sister is going through some stuff, but she needs to let them be.” job
Another User Comments:
“NTJ But goodness, it sounds like the dad tricked the children and insinuated they’d do a memorial for their mum.
But then tried to take what they’d made and give it to his new wife (Emily). These kids and the dad need therapy. Think it’s unfair to expect the children to ever see Emily as their new mum.
She cares about them a lot, but maybe she should focus on just being an “extra adult” for them. If she sees them as her children, can’t believe your parents would say that about their grandchildren.” aps-pleb42
Another User Comments:
“NTJ I can almost guarantee that the kids made those cards under the assumption that they would be put on their mother’s grave or given to someone they consider an important maternal figure in their life, which your sister isn’t and won’t ever be because of how hard she has pushed the kids into accepting her as their mother.
I’m sorry your sister won’t have the family/kids she wants but that isn’t the kid’s fault. She could/would have a better relationship with them if she and BIL didn’t have unrealistic expectations of the kid’s relationship with her.
Someone had to defend the kids and you did that. You just give them all the dose of reality they all needed instead of feeding into their delusion that they will love and accept her or already do.” Adorable-Reaction887
Please carry on defending them and reminding your sister that she needs to respect them if she wants any goodwill from them.
3. AITJ For Yelling At My Husband For Accidentally Killing My Therapy Flowers?
“I yelled at my husband Saturday night and refused to talk to him yesterday.
I did get him a Father’s Day gift and left it in the garage for him. I’m not a complete jerk.
Backstory: I planted flowers last year (I’m getting into gardening) was a rough time for me, my brother tragically passed away and gardening and watching my flowers grow was a form of therapy for me.
I harvested the seeds from the flowers I had grown to save to plant this year. I also cut the flowers in September to place on his grave. I decided if the seeds grew this year I would keep up this tradition of growing my flowers to place on my brother’s grave every year on the anniversary of his death.
Granted I did not make my husband aware of the plans I had with my flowers.
My husband is super neurotic about our yard. He likes it kept up and he puts in all the yard work. I am grateful for all the work he does.
When I decided to plant my flower seeds this year I put that work in myself and placed them in a row right next to the wood line in an area that wouldn’t be in his way, so he wouldn’t have to mow around them.
My flowers started to grow and I was so excited! They didn’t have blooms yet but the buds were forming on some of them. We have a pretty big yard so I hadn’t been down there in a while to look at them closely but I went down there Saturday night and they were all dying or dead.
I came back up to the house to ask my husband if he had sprayed them and initially he said no. So I went back down there for further investigation and discovered that they had been sprayed. I asked him again if he had sprayed down there and he said yes he had sprayed and that he only sprayed the weeds behind where I had planted my flowers.
He said I didn’t tell him that I had planted flowers there but he was home the day I worked on it coming down every so often to check my progress, I just don’t see how he could forget.
I did plant watermelon seeds that didn’t take in a small section of the row, he also claims that all he thought I had down there was watermelon that didn’t take, but he watched me for weeks run water down there and talk about my flowers!
So I told him the exact words: I hope you feel like a total jerk and that was a terrible thing to do. You could have at least asked before you sprayed down in that area. This broke into an argument about how he doesn’t care about things that make me happy bla bla bla.
I was screaming this. I was really upset.
He told me I was overreacting and that I was not grateful for anything that he did. We didn’t speak on Father’s Day and I’m refusing to apologize for what I said.
I’ve since cried about my flowers and now I’ve just accepted what happened, but I’m not apologizing for anything I said. So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“No jerks here but it’s tough. When someone accidentally breaks or ruins something important to you, it’s normal to be upset.
It isn’t normal, though, to hold that mistake over them, especially if they didn’t know the significance of the thing. Usually, when this happens, emotions are very strong for a few days, and then your vision clears and you see it as an honest mistake.
I think that right now, your anger is covering up sadness, and the fact that you haven’t told your husband about how you’re thinking about these flowers means you’re probably holding a lot in about this overall and you just exploded with emotion.
It’s reasonable given your grief, but not fair unless you think it wasn’t an accident. What would be his motivation to do this on purpose? Your mistake was not telling your husband what these flowers mean to you and to take special care of them.
In your eyes, it was obvious that it was important. His mistake was lying in defense and getting overzealous. The garden is his domain, and they were just flowers, in his eyes it was obvious this was not a big deal. Total ships passing in the night situation.
Depending on the state of the flowers, you could potentially still get some seeds out or plant seedlings in fresh dirt, maybe if you’re feeling ok in a day or two it would be nice to ask your husband to do this with you.
Tell him this is a symbol to you for healing from the loss of your brother and that it’s important you have this little patch of garden to remind you of growth and new life and feed the garden you’re building at his grave.
Maybe you guys can even build a little circle of rocks for that area so it’s visually marked as significant and you can have your dedicated patch.” Novel-Fun5552
Another User Comments:
“You both are jerks. Him because he knew where you planted the seeds and were caring for them.
You for the way you handled the whole situation. He is not going to remember the flowers but the mode and tone you took with him for what he did. Next year find a spot very close to the house that will be very obvious.
Start early by staking out the area digging up the grass and placing bricks or some other edging around the area. If he asks what you are doing tell him what and why you’re doing it. But this still does not mean you are both jerks for this time.” Odd-Trainer-3735
2. AITJ For Not Wanting To Host My Wife's Unappreciative Friends Again?
“My wife has a long-term childhood friend with whom both have kept in touch over the years. They wanted to vacation and stay with us but history shows they expect everything but do not seem to give back anything.
When we have visited them for 3 nights, we bought 2 dinners and a lunch out on the town for letting us stay. At our place they showed up with fresh soft drinks right at lunch time and hungry. I fed them but wondered why they didn’t just call us saying they were hungry and ask us if they wanted to pick up lunch.
Though we already ate but it would have been a nice gesture. That day I smoked ribs all day for dinner. I had a case of beer so the husband drank half of this over the next two nights.
The second night I had three burgers in the freezer so they did go buy some burger and buns the only thing they dug deep into their pockets for the whole week.
Two nights in the beer half gone they went to the store to buy a 12 pack of beer to drink himself the next two nights.
They did keep saying they were going to make us dinner “Chicken” but why didn’t they just buy some while at the store buying his beer? That night I was cooking “Prime” and not cheap New York strip steaks so a fabulous dinner again.
We expect little from them for letting them stay but it would have been a nice gesture if they at least added even a cheap bottle of red wine to have with the steaks to his 12 pack for himself.
This evening, they invited themselves to stay another night without even asking, lucky us! The last night I made a delicious Asian Chicken Satay so I pulled out a nice bottle of red wine the husband enjoyed with dinner too.
Wonder why he didn’t think of that on steak night? Add to all of this they did go to breakfast themselves and a lunch themselves on different days never inviting us. Granted we were busy with some things but could have worked around it, but there was never the invitation.
I guess this could have them being gracious to give us our free time but somehow, I feel like they didn’t even want to have to buy us a couple of 2 dollar tacos which I would have suggested as a great lunch place anyway.
The wife constantly talked how they can’t afford anything the whole time here but somehow they were able to afford a 3 week vacation in our area.
Breaking point was the last morning there were 2 small cups of coffee left in pot.
I came down almost following my wife’s friend and she proceeded to pour a last large cup for herself. She could split half with me or even her husband if he was just waking up, till I made a fresh pot, but no, she took all while I stood there in front of her!
After saving them probably 600 bucks in hotels and everything else we did AITJ for thinking they should have shown even the slightest more appreciation and never wanting to host this couple again?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They are rude but I’m not sure why you’re playing into it.
Why buy expensive food and give them access to your drinks? Why not tell your wife that she needs to do all the work hosting her user friends and you will stay out of it? Better yet, why not veto them staying with y’all again?” friendlily
1. AITJ For Lashing Out At My Dad And Grandma After They Criticized My Instagram Filter?
“I (22) do not have a good relationship with my biological father, nor my paternal grandmother. When I was 18 years old, it happened that that day I went with my dad to another city (where my university is), on the way back we passed by an aquarium where they sold fish and my dad went in to buy 1 for his fish tank and I stayed in the car to wait for him checking my phone and trying Instagram filters.
At that time, I began to identify as a bi-boy and I had a lot of self-esteem problems. I didn’t feel handsome, so I didn’t like photographs or taking photos of myself. My paternal grandmother is a “well-off” person because of her job, she tends to judge my tastes, hobbies, and personality very easily, since I am his first grandchild and I have many of my dad’s physical traits, adding the factor that it is also VERY conservative.
When I was testing Instagram filters, I decided to take a photo with a filter that I liked but because of the lighting from the sun, I couldn’t see what THAT filter added blush and the effect of painted lips, at that moment I felt good about myself and thinking that I rarely take photos where I am “genuinely happy”, I didn’t think about it and uploaded the photo to Instagram.
When I got home with my mom, I received a call from my paternal grandmother, furious, saying why had I put that on my face, saying that I looked horrible and disgusting, I didn’t understand anything until I saw the photo and I tried to explain to him but she didn’t listen to me, all because of an Instagram filter!
I started to cry, my dad saw this and instead of calming me down and telling my grandmother that she was exaggerating, he decided to turn against me too, my mom got upset and ordered them to be quiet.
My mom asked me for permission to explain everything to her, including my orientation, basically because of an Instagram filter they forced me to come out of the closet against my will.
Now, in the present, when I was at my grandmother’s house, my dad was trying to talk to me and my grandmother once again decided to get into the conversation by going on a tirade about how my decisions and those of my mother influenced who I “am” now.
I exploded at them and decided to leave their house, my father tried to stop me by saying that my grandmother was right to tell me that and that I should listen to her. I was tired of yelling at him that the two of them should go away and that I would never be calm as long as they were close to me, that the day that woman passed away I would not even show up at her funeral, and that I would not cry a single tear, I left slamming the door.
I came home crying and explained to my mother what happened, she told me that even though she understood my reaction, she thinks I was too rude.”
Another User Comments: “Is what you said harsh and rude? Yes.
You were only serving back what was served to you, however. They started it, and you are NTJ. Your father does not have your back and is a jerk. The woman who raised him is a gigantic, gaping jerk, and the apple does not fall far from the tree.
They are homophobes, so be prepared for them to never support you. Similarly, I have to come down against your mother too. She should not have outed you to your father/grandmother and she should not be telling you that you were “too rude”.
You were justifiably rude as the rudeness you exhibited was nothing compared to what your father and grandmother were exhibiting.” imnvs_runvs
Another User Comments: “It’s understandable that you’re hurt, but telling your grandmother you won’t cry at her funeral was harsh.
Focus on setting boundaries and seeking support from those who respect you.” Trick_Permit3380
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