People Inquire About Their "Am I The Jerk?" Stories And Want Us To Say Something About Them
17. AITJ For Wanting My Parents To Send My Husband A Separate Invitation For Christmas?
“My husband (Luke) M32 does not get along with my parents. You can’t tell who’s right or who’s wrong, there’s always this ongoing tension between them but can be civil enough to sit together at one table.
I recently got an invitation to a Christmas celebration from my parents. The invitation included me and Luke but Luke thought this was somewhat rude and disrespectful because he believes he should get his own invitation and not have his name mentioned as an ‘extension’ to mine.
We talked and he said he wouldn’t go unless they send him a proper invitation. I called mom and asked if she could do it. She thought it was ridiculous and said that she and dad did the same with my sister and her husband.
I told her it was fine but Luke can be sensitive like that and so a simple invitation in a form of a text directly to him will fix it. She got defensive and said that Luke is being ridiculous.
Dad claimed that Luke was trying to pull some power move to humiliate them but I thought this was a small issue. They still thought it was ridiculous so I told them I won’t attend if they don’t send him a separate invitation because he won’t attend if he doesn’t get it.
This blew up and my sister started arguing saying Luke needs to get over himself and shamed me for trying to ‘force’ our parents to send him an invitation by saying I won’t come if they don’t.
We haven’t talked since that and we’re waiting as of now.
Edit: The invitation I received was in a text. Luke is saying that a simple text to him will finish the conflict but my parents still think it’s ridiculous and that they won’t invite him since they already have.
UPDATE!
I just got off the phone with my sister. She told me our parents have just disinvited me (Luke was probably already disinvited since the argument occurred) from the celebration. I feel horrible but I can’t argue anymore. I admit it!
Luke is the problem. He just caused me to be disinvited from the event and is blaming ME for it.”
Another User Comments:
“Luke is the jerk and YTJ for condoning it.
When you’re married, you don’t get separate invitations.
Your mom called and said ‘I hope you guys can come for Christmas’ or ‘We’re looking forward to seeing you at Christmas’, that is the Royal You, not just you OP.
Question: If a friend issued the same invitation as your mom did, would Luke be kicking up a fuss, or would he just go?
This isn’t about the invitation. Luke just doesn’t want to go. Your choice is to stay with him or go without him, but your parents don’t have to issue Lukie Wubbie his own special private invitation. And think hard – is this really the only time he kicks up a fuss, or do you tiptoe around a LOT of things?
Be honest.” Straight-Singer-2912
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, although it’s really more that you’re letting Luke make you be a jerk to yourself because he is being ridiculous. There is no etiquette book on earth that recommends sending married couples two separate invitations.
In fact, I guarantee if they had done it his way for some reason, he’d be spinning that as an unforgivable insult and still demanding you stay home because that’s really the point here. Put your foot down that this is his problem, and buy yourself The Gift of Fear/Why Does He Do That?
for the holidays, because the red flags are strong with this one.” mm172
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
Your husband more so.
Expecting a separate invitation because he doesn’t like that he was merely an extension of your invitation? What in the wide wide world of w*f is wrong with him?
If I am inviting a COUPLE to a dinner or an event, I send one single invitation with both names. It makes no sense to send separate invites. That is a waste of time, paper, and stamps.
This seems like a power play on your husband’s part, and he needs to get over himself.
You as well. Don’t cause a rift with your own family because your husband wants to be petty and throw a tantrum over not getting his own special invite.” unstablecannoli
16. AITJ For Saying My Brother Is "Fragile, Chauvinist, And Insecure"?
“About 2 years ago, my brother, Thomas, and his (then) partner moved into our neighborhood. Thomas started attending the same gym my wife, ‘Lia,’ goes to. Lia is incredibly fit, and Thomas asked her if she could train him. She agreed.
Thomas trains with Lia 3 times a week. Over the 2 years, you can definitely tell that he’s added a lot of muscle and lost a lot of weight. He looks great and I can tell that he’s happy.
As Thomas has improved his fitness, he’s gotten a lot more arrogant.
I mean, a lot more arrogant. He broke up with his partner because he claimed that he was ‘too good for her now.’ Every time I see him, he’s talking about how women are throwing themselves at him, or how his ideal woman can’t weigh over 60kgs (about 130 lbs).
It’s annoying and it makes everyone, especially Lia, uncomfortable.
Lia doesn’t train him anymore, but they still attend the same gym at usually the same time.
Lia is 6 months pregnant. She still works out 5 days a week, lifts weights (though much lighter), and keeps to her normal regime as much as possible.
Because she’s pregnant, she can’t complete all the exercises, but she is still incredibly fit.
Thomas thinks that she’s getting lazy. Every time I see him, he makes a snide comment about Lia ‘putting on weight,’ or how she’s ‘acting like a bum.’ To me, these comments don’t make much sense.
Lia is still incredibly fit and active, even pregnant. On some days, he can barely keep up with her. Nevertheless, his comments are disgusting. Lia calls him out, and I call him out, but he rarely listens.
I don’t speak to him much, but Lia does have to see him in the gym.
Thomas and my mum came over to our house, completely unannounced. When they came over, Lia was eating a big bowl of carbonara that I had made, and when she offered them some, Thomas immediately started ranting.
Rather than just saying ‘no,’ or ‘I’m okay, thank you,’ he started yelling about how Lia was getting fat, and how she was losing all her ‘appeal,’ and if she (Lia) was his wife he’d ‘never let her act like this.’ It was shocking and Lia speechless.
I told him to get his ‘fragile, chauvinist, insecure’ butt out of my house and never to return.
He left with my mum.
My mum is telling me to apologize. Lia thinks I shouldn’t have called him names and should have handled it with a lot more tact.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Tell the gym he’s harassing your wife. See if they can do anything about it.
Your brother is mad at her because she’s visibly pregnant and it’s proof she’s making love to someone other than him.
He’s fixated on her, which has the potential to be dangerous.
Your wife is hormonal and she doesn’t want to rock the boat, which is understandable, but your brother needs to be shoved off of the boat. The door is not big enough, let go, paddle away, and leave him in the ocean.
So far it’s just rude comments. Don’t let it get worse. Protect your family, even if it means protecting them from the rest of your family.” sparrowhawk75
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. He broke up with his partner probably about the time his crush on your wife was developing.
The ideal woman he kept talking about was your wife, just in case you hadn’t realized. And her being pregnant means his fantasy of her running away with him is getting further and further away, hence the lashing out and insulting her.
You might try asking her if he’s ever made a pass at her or been inappropriate (other than the weight comments). And you absolutely are not the jerk for defending your partner against his outrageous, sexist, and bizarre comments.” PutTheKettleOn20
Another User Comments:
“You’re NTJ. Your brother is.
Could you have handled the situation better? Of course. There is always more than one way to handle a situation. But in my opinion, this was the most necessary choice. Your brother was becoming an arrogant person because of his new attitude in life and blatantly ignored the fact that your wife is PREGNANT, not fat, somehow forgetting that pregnant women still need to ‘eat for two’.
And because she’s pregnant, she can’t risk hurting herself by working out as hard as she did before, yet he completely ignores that and insults her character because of it. While it’s great that your wife helped your brother become healthier, I can’t help but feel disgusted at the person he became as a result.
While his physical health has been greatly improved, it’s clear he still has some internal issues to work on.
Also, your brother DEFINITELY wants to sleep with your wife. I was prepared to write out how and why, but in the end, it still doesn’t justify the way your brother treated your wife.
Take some time, and have a serious discussion with her about how you both wish to handle the situation. Then, and only then, should you talk to your brother about his behavior and attitude. I would gently encourage him to seek some form of counseling as it appears he is developing an unhealthy mindset that is affecting his relationship with women and how his preference of attraction towards women is not acceptable and will lead to him becoming a very shallow and hateful person in life.” elwaxboi
15. AITJ For Making My Daughter Return A Halloween Costume?
“My daughter (F16) works an after-school job 5 days a week. Her high school had a costume contest for Halloween. My daughter and her friends planned a group costume to enter.
She went with her friends after school to buy costumes.
I picked her and her friends up from the store and they showed me their costumes. My daughter spent 80$ on hers. I was annoyed that’s a lot of money to spend on something you’re going to wear for a few hours.
Very irresponsible use of money. I told her as much in the car and told her it was ridiculous. I dropped her friends off and took her back to the store to return the costume and accessories.
Her friends found someone else to take her place in the group and they won the contest and a 100$ visa gift card to split.
My daughter came home from school on Halloween upset she claimed she had to sit and watch while her friends had fun and she missed out on everything. I pointed out to her that after splitting the gift card it would be way less than she spent on the costume and it was only a few hours but she didn’t want to listen to reason.
Now a month later and she is still moody and mostly ignoring me. My ex-husband told me I made her miss out and she works so much that she missed out on a lot of stuff with her friends and I could have let her have this.
But at the end of the day, I saved her 80$. I just trying to teach my daughter how to be responsible with money she could have gotten a cheap costume especially since she would have only worn it for a few hours.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ 100%
Did you ever think that maybe having fun with her friends, getting a group picture together in their costumes, and the feeling of winning a contest, and being part of something, might be worth MORE than eighty bucks to your daughter?
You’re not helping her to do anything but resent you. This is HER money that she earns on TOP of doing school every day. You had no right to tell her to return the costume, and she has every right to be angry.
All you did was ostracize her from her friend group, for $80.
You took away memories and experiences and wonderful, friendship-bonding moments for $80.
Can’t wait for the day you tell her not to bother with a graduation gown or bridal dress or anything else that she’ll only spend a few hours in because the memories aren’t worth the money!
Go apologise to your daughter.” Violet_Daydreams
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
She sounds hardworking and it is by no means irresponsible to spend some of her hard-earned money on some silly fun to reward herself.
Let’s say it was a short Halloween party and she only missed out on 5 hours of fun that would mean 16$ per hour is irresponsible.
This means going to the movies is probably only responsible if you don’t get popcorn, or it is a long enough movie to ‘break even’. Basically, most restaurant visits are hard on the line. And Disney world or such treats is a never ever.
Seriously why is she not allowed to have some fun? That could have been an awesome memory to cherish but instead, she only gets to learn that your version of responsibility is boring af and puts her on the outside.
Are you sure you are furthering your goal here?” CaptainPancake5
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
So you shamed her in front of her friends and berated her because she bought something you didn’t deem valuable.
Forced her to return the costume she bought with her OWN money, something she saved up for.
You made her miss out on this fun event. Apparently, a recurring occurrence going by your ex. She works FIVE DAYS A WEEK! As a teen!
You took away her decision, her money… you made sure to use your control over her, all the while she has to study and work.
Now obviously she isn’t even allowed to use her money the way she wants to.
Even one month later she still hates you for it, which is a clear sign of how much you hurt her!
You sound terribly controlling, and cold like ice.
You don’t even show an ounce of understanding or sympathy in your story.
If I were her I’d make sure to work during the Christmas holidays, instead of spending them with you.” isi_na
14. AITJ For Giving My Son His Own Hotel Room But Not My Daughter?
“My (30F) husband (49M) and I have been married for two years. We have a baby that is almost a year old. I have two kids, Rory (12M) and Emily (12F), of my own.
My husband has two sons from a previous marriage (13M). My kids had to share a room since they were born but once I got married, we moved to a bigger house and they could have their own rooms. My daughter was happy about it but my son had a really hard time adapting to this.
He didn’t like being alone and he got scared a lot, crying all night and peeing himself, but he eventually adapted to the new reality and has been more stable.
A sister of my husband is getting married in Hawaii and the whole family is going there for a big destination wedding.
The idea was for the kids to share rooms in sets of two. Emily would have to stay with
one of my husband’s nieces. Rory would share with one of his stepbrothers and the other one with another cousin.
But that didn’t work.
Rory says that he doesn’t want to share a room with none of his stepbrothers because they smell bad. He told me to allow him to stay with his sister but Emily doesn’t want that. The only other option was to put him with one of the other male cousins but he warned me that, if it turned out that they also smell bad, he would refuse to stay in the room once we were there and go sleep on the rainforest.
Finally, I begged my husband to pay for another room so Rory can be alone and I wouldn’t have to suffer any more of this. But now, Emily is mad because she says it is unfair that her brother will have his own room but she has to share with a cousin she doesn’t know.
I think she should understand that her brother has a harder time in this kind of situation than her and not make everything even more difficult for me. Emily is a really social and extroverted girl, she didn’t complain about this issue before.
I feel she is just being petty but now she is angry with me and I don’t know what else to do.
Am I the jerk?”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – You call your daughter difficult because she wants to be treated the same as your son, but you don’t call your son difficult when he is the actual one being difficult.
You need to parent your son. Tell him his option is to sleep in the room with his step-brother, or his cousin, or he can choose to sleep outside which he proposed (for your information, he won’t do this if he had a hard time sleeping by himself in an actual room there’s no way he’s going actually to sleep outside by himself).” *************
Another User Comments:
“YTJ x 2. First, YTJ is because you should have been getting Rory help for his dependency issues. He didn’t want to be parted from Emily when you moved into your new home and he really struggled with that.
The fact that you state: ‘eventually adapted to the new reality and has been more stable.’ Have I been concerned? Do you know for a fact that he HAS adapted to the new reality? The fact that he isn’t peeing himself or crying at night doesn’t mean that he necessarily has.
The second YTJ is because you are babying Rory. Yes, I said you should be getting him help above but giving him his own hotel room isn’t that help. Your daughter isn’t being difficult by requesting her own hotel room since that is what you are giving Rory.
She wants you to treat them equally and in the scenario, she isn’t wrong. There is literally no reason that Rory can’t share a room with one of his stepbrothers or his cousin. The smell is not a good reason.
Forcing Emily to room with him isn’t fair either. She isn’t the one with the problem. She was perfectly fine rooming with her cousin UNTIL you gave her brother his own room. So again the problem is RORY and YOU.
For me there are only 3 somewhat plausible reasons for your son’s behavior: 1) He has dependency issues where he feels like Emily is the only stable thing in his life and he doesn’t want to be apart from her. 2) He is fixated on Emily in a weird romantic way (this is the least likely reason).
3) He still is crying at night and/or wetting the bed. In that case, he wouldn’t want to room with anyone other than Emily because he believes he would be made fun of for it. The ‘smell’ excuse could literally be him projecting his bedwetting smell onto them.
Realized that actually there is a 3rd YTJ for you… the fact that you didn’t consider another rooming option… having him share with you and your husband. Rory could sleep on the floor or in a cot since he was about to sleep in the rainforest if he couldn’t room with Emily or have his own.
But I supposed much like his crying and bedwetting when you moved, it would be a HUGE inconvenience to you.” snowpixiemn
Another User Comments:
“YTJ – even if it wasn’t out of line for your son to be calling the shots like this and you are giving him special treatment as a reward, I can’t think how a parent would be comfortable letting any 12-year-old have their own hotel room.
Kids can get into all kinds of trouble and having them unsupervised like this is begging for problems. Step up and be the adult and get your son help if he really has issues as opposed to just giving in to him.
And if he does run off to ‘sleep in the rainforest’ then it’s time for some serious consequences. That’s just flat-out manipulative behavior and if you don’t nip it now, you’re going to seriously have your hands full in a few more years.” Dipping_My_Toes
13. AITJ For How I Set Up My Dog's Toy?
“I (20M) hung a stuffed animal/squeaky toy up with a rope outside for my dog to play with (no I don’t keep her outside, this is for when I let her out to potty and play). It keeps her entertained because it swings around, she likes to grab it and thrash it around.
My friend (22F) and her partner (21M) came over the other day to pick up some booze as my partner (21M) works at a liquor store. We sat outside for a bit to smoke, and all the while my friend’s partner was dead set on staring at the toy the entire time.
Like, he was obviously uncomfortable. I asked what was wrong and he just stared at me for a moment before asking what kind of sick statement I was trying to make.
I said excuse me? He said, ‘I’m a vegan.
(Friend) literally reminded you of this yesterday and I come over to see this?’ I’ll be honest. Yes, she did kinda tell me he was vegan, albeit in passing when discussing where we’d get for lunch as she asked ‘Will there be any vegan options there?’
But I didn’t rig the toy up to spite him. It’s been up for days/week now. My friend took his side and was like yea it literally looks like you lynched a fox. I had to go get my dog and have her play with it to get them off my back, but even then he insisted it still looked screwed up.
AITJ here? Like, should I have been more sensitive to him?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Either get better friends or gain some confidence or something so you don’t fall into ridiculously manipulative attention-seeking traps. The squeaky toy was probably a vegan product, no matter what he thought it looked like.
Second, even if it had been an animal product, it’s really none of his business. The toy is for your dog, and if he loves animals so much he should shut up. (But then how would he remind you that he’s vegan?)” One_Trifle1191
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
It is not a lynched fox. It is a dog toy on a string. No animals were harmed in the making of this play setup. You were not obligated to take it down in any way, shape, or form.
The guy was a jerk for expecting you to anticipate his discomfort, and he’s a jerk for automatically assuming you set it up to antagonize him.
However, I can see why posing even the image of an animal in such a way might make someone uncomfortable.
I think you will do a lot of good if you apologize to the friend and her partner for making them uncomfortable, remind them that it wasn’t your intention, and you will make sure to take it down before the next visit (if it’s possible to take down and set up easily.) This isn’t necessary, but it is the diplomatic thing to do and it will help mend your relationship with your friends.” ghosts-on-the-ohio
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – and your friends should really learn the meaning and history behind the word ‘lynched’ if they’re going to be throwing it around like that. Comparing a stuffed animal dog toy with historically marginalized/oppressed human beings is arguably far more offensive than the offense he’s claiming towards veganism.
Just throwing that out there for perspective.” naribynature
12. AITJ For Banning My Partner From Using My Kitchen Equipment?
“The problem started when my partner moved in about two years ago.
I’m a former professional chef with a great passion for food. Over the years, I’ve gotten myself a lot of kitchen equipment that’s quite expensive (if it breaks I won’t be able to replace it for at least a couple of months) that I take care of as if it’s my little babies.
I have knives, pots, and pans that I’ve kept in pristine condition despite using some of them a lot for 10 years or more.
I also have a bunch of cheap, low-quality equipment in my kitchen that I call my trash pans.
When she moved in she asked me about them and why I didn’t throw them out and I jokingly told her that I keep them in case I have people that I don’t trust in my kitchen.
Sometime after she moved in with me, I started noticing scratches in nonstick pans, dents on knife edges, and deformations in pots.
I started observing my partner when she was cooking and saw her cutting stuff with one of my Japanese chef knives directly on top of the stainless steel counter and told her right away to use a cutting board. I’ve seen that when she’s done with a pan, she puts it under running water to cool it down.
She uses dishwashing soap in my cast iron pans and the list goes on. I’ve told her multiple times how to take care of the equipment and what/what not to do, and pretty much every time I correct her she gets annoyed.
So last week I came home and to my horror, I saw my 5-liter cast iron pot filled up with water that had dishwasher soap in it. It’s one of my favorite pots that I’ve seasoned over the course of 15 years.
I snapped and told my partner that she’s not allowed to use my expensive equipment anymore and showed her the ‘trash pans’ and told her that those are the ones she’s gonna have to use in the future.
She thought I overreacted but I refused to budge.
I’m getting tired of resharpening knives every other day and having to throw out pans that I’ve inherited from generations back because they got deformed or rusted beyond restoration.
She reminded me of how I said the ‘trash pans’ was for people I don’t trust and questioned whether I trust her or not, which I do, just not with my kitchen equipment.
So please enlighten me, am I the jerk for banning my partner from using my kitchen equipment?
EDIT: Soap in cast iron pans is in fact ok. It’s just what I’ve been taught both from older relatives and in culinary school so it’s never really been something I’ve questioned. I’m gonna do some reading about the matter.
However, it doesn’t really take away the fact that soaking cast iron in water causes it to rust. But that’s also not really the biggest issue I’ve had either. What has caused the most unrestorable and expensive damage to my equipment has been the rinsing of hot pans under cold water, which has caused several pans to deform and rendered them basically useless for anything other than boiling water.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It isn’t that you don’t trust her overall, but you don’t trust her to use your kitchen equipment that she doesn’t have the experience or inclination to look after properly. It’s like if you had an expensive car you were very fond of and she was learning to drive and wanted to have a go.
If she wants to talk about trust, I would say it’s more important that you trust her to respect your boundaries and your things when she can’t look after them in the specific way you want them looked after. It’s far more important in a relationship that people trust each other enough to communicate openly and to set boundaries than it is that you trust each other to have full, unrestricted access to each other’s personal belongings.” Tay74
Another User Comments:
“Gonna have to go with ‘everyone sucks here. She’s wrong to wreck your prized kitchen equipment. Your handling of the situation was pretty mean. At the core of it, she’s trying to do a nice thing – making food for you two.
Start there from a place of appreciation, then you two can tackle the issue as a team before it gets to the point that you snap and make her think you ‘don’t trust her’ and is only worthy of using trash things.
Sounds like you tried to educate her, which is great, but I would bet at the moment it came across to her as criticism.
Pick a less defensive time to share this with her. Or, cook with her and show her what you do and why you do it that way.
Why not gift her her own set of nice-ish equipment instead of telling her to use the low-quality garbage set? Based on what you said about the price of yours, this strategy could quickly pay for itself and keep both of you guys happy.
Barring that, since you care so much, it’s on you to insist that you do all the cooking with your equipment. If after all this, she chooses not to learn and still uses your stuff when given an alternative, that’s a different story…” ProfessorCreamholes
Another User Comments:
“All relationships need communication and boundaries, especially (potentially) long-term romantic ones.
You have communicated your boundary about using your kitchen equipment. It was clear and understood.
Your partner, though, has decided that she doesn’t need to abide by this boundary.
And note that she has never talked to you about this – about how she doesn’t think it’s fair or is unnecessary. She’s just decided to ignore your rules that she had accepted prior.
NTJ.
Understand, though, that this goes deeper than kitchen equipment.
This was a trust issue and she freely, willingly, and purposefully broke your trust.
At the very least you need to have a good sit down with her about your boundaries and communication and that she has broken your trust (which is never good in a relationship).
This is a possible ‘deal breaker’ in regards to your relationship if she double’s down and tells you that she doesn’t have to respect your boundaries (because if she does this, what other rules/boundaries will she simply ignore if she feels like it?)” pcnauta
Another User Comments:
“You needed to address this conflict a while ago by choosing particular pieces that are only touched when you are present AND fully stocking the kitchen together with pieces that you both are happy to use.
To be honest, I fully connect with the way you care for your tools, but not everyone does.
Many people want a kitchen stocked with tools that are functional (not ‘trash pans’) and also easy to take care of. Nice equipment or ‘trash pans’ are not the only two options and it wasn’t appropriate for you to assume you didn’t need to reimagine how your kitchen functions when someone new started using it.
Since both of you have standing to implement this solution at any time and it was clear to her that she was not using your things in an appropriate way, everyone sucks here.” ValleySparkles
11. AITJ For Not Wanting To Pay Rent?
“I (25M) and my partner (26F) are planning on moving in together.
She owns a home and because of her work, it would be logistically easier to move in with her than for her to move in with me (my work can be done anywhere)
During our discussions, we were discussing the arrangements for financial contributions as well as domestic contributions (chores, cooking, etc.) everything was going well until she mentioned that she wanted me to pay $1,000.00/mo in rent.
She owns the home without a mortgage so there is no need for any type of rent in the first place.
Aside from that, I also mentioned how I also fully own a home, also no mortgage as I’ve worked since 15 to buy one without a loan.
I told her it would be financially irresponsible of me to pay rent to her to live there when I could just stay in my home rent-free. I also stated how I didn’t want to mix our relationship with a landlord/tenant relationship as that can end ugly.
She and her family are now under the impression I’m a gold digger and trying to use her for her money (we make roughly the same amount yearly). I think I may be the jerk for how I said it, but I think my overall points stand.
What do y’all think, AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. I could never fathom charging my partner rent on a house that I already own in full — paying $1000 per month is not going to significantly improve her life when it’s already paid off.
But she should not be expecting you to move in and blame you if you want to stay in your own home. Honestly, I would say neither of you is ready to move in if you guys are counting dollars between each other to this extent.
Her family sounds like they’ve scared her into this or don’t trust you which is also a red flag, and not a good omen for a long-term relationship.
It’s reasonable for her to expect contributions to utilities and home repairs, groceries, etc.
If you really, really want to move in with her you could just rent out your existing home and split the rental income between you two, but not pay rent for YOU living with her.” fairyfloss17
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
There should be some discussion of splitting costs for the home – taxes, maintenance, emergency funds for repairs – and maybe even you paying some small number in rent or if you sell your property, some sharing of those profits.
I get that it isn’t fair for your partner to have paid for something you enjoy totally for free, and there are ways to address that.
But why would you pay rent when you live for free now? Your response was totally appropriate and not rude, as you have a very real issue in that both of you own your houses outright, so requiring rent from you is a bad economic decision for you.
That doesn’t make you a gold digger, but asking for $1k in rent from your partner when you have no costs might be!
There should be a middle ground here, and until you can find it, don’t move in together.
If you are renting your place out, then some of that could go to rent for her: You shouldn’t make a profit living with your partner for free.
If you are selling your place, then some sort of profit sharing.
If neither of these two, then some minimal rent/covering other costs would be appropriate.” mfruitfly
Another User Comments:
“NTJ but what arrangements did you reach for everything else? You have to pay your share of bills obviously but I also think it would be reasonable to pay a small amount for ‘wear and tear’ as having another person in the house will cause more damage and wear appliances out fast. If you paid a small amount into a separate account then she could use it for repairs, upgrades, decorating, etc. Ask her how much she would pay you for living with you.
There must be a happy middle ground somewhere. While I don’t think you should live there for free it does seem crazy to pay so much when you could live in your own home for free.
If you really can’t agree then it’s probably a good thing you don’t move in together.
Honestly living together is overrated if you ask me.” whynousernamelef
10. AITJ For Not Appreciating My Friend's Birthday Gift To Me?
“I (23M) just had my birthday two days ago, I don’t care much for birthdays but my friends and family still celebrate them. One of my close friends couldn’t attend due to exams but she sent me a link for a food subscription box-based gift card that was like 100 bucks and although it was supposed to be a nice gesture I just felt that it was wasteful.
Maybe it was the way I was raised but I just couldn’t fathom spending 100 dollars just on the food itself, I complained or rather vented about it to our mutual friend during the birthday event and he snitched on me.
The friend who sent the gift card was really disappointed and texted me that she was sorry that I didn’t enjoy it but her reasoning was that because I liked the food in general I could perhaps use it to treat myself.
I told her while I appreciated it, it just seems excessive, and that too just on something frivolous like food. She also knows that I’m financially conscious and thrifty so I don’t know why she still did this.
This just escalated the situation and now she hasn’t replied back. My mutual friend conveyed to me that I was being a bit rude and I should apologize but I don’t exactly know if I’m in the wrong for feeling this way.”
Another User Comments:
“YTJ and incredibly ungrateful.
And who ‘vents’ to someone about the gift they received from a mutual friend? What you were doing is trash-talking your friend for getting you a generous gift, based on her knowledge of your likes, that for some reason you felt was wasteful as if the 100 bucks came out of your pocket instead of hers.
I’m not sure if maybe you’re neurodivergent and this stems from not quite aligning with common social behavior, but the fact you even wonder if you’re the jerk and so far have refused to apologize is weird otherwise.
P.S: If you don’t care for your birthday and don’t like celebrating it, tell friends and family that so they can stop wasting their energy trying to show your love only to be punched in the face by your attitude.
You’re an adult.” Jolly_Tooth_7274
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. While you may think money spent on food is wasteful your friend does not. Your friend spent their hard-earned money on YOU! They obviously think you’re worth it despite what the gift actually is.
Your friend thought they were doing a really nice thing and honestly, you just come across as ungrateful. Whether you like the gift or not you need to think about this from your friend’s point of view, they did something really nice for you and you threw it back in their face.
I would not be answering your messages either, you need to swallow your misplaced pride and apologize face to face. If you ask me you have some groveling to do.” OhHiFelicia
Another User Comments:
“YTJ
You never complain about gifts, unless it is a person who consistently gives no presents/bad presents (think, a husband who every year just buys wife a candy bar for Christmas).
It is just poor manners to complain about a gift, particularly when your complaint is that it is TOO much.
You are the jerk for that alone, and if you are so bothered by this gift, then give it back.
You already ruined the friendship, might as well let the poor girl have her money back.
And it isn’t frivolous. First, I can’t think of much that is LESS frivolous than food. Maybe heat and water? She is giving you a gift that covers the most basic necessity, and you get to choose how to spend it.
I have gotten plenty of pretty useless gifts in my life, and a gift card for food will never be one of them.
You don’t have to spend $100 at one time, and I saw in the comments it was for a snack place, meaning you can spread it out over time or buy stuff for the holidays – you might find a present for someone else, items you can bring to holiday parties or to work potluck – or there are shelf stable items that will last for months if you even need to spend it at one time.” mfruitfly
9. AITJ For Saying My Step-Siblings Can't Join Our Family Trip?
“I (16F) am currently living with my stepfather and mother, my mother is planning to take me on a massive holiday for my graduation gift. We were talking about this during dinner and my stepfather cuts in and says ‘Oh that would be a nice family holiday’.
I never liked my stepfather or his family, to begin with so I hated this idea. His children M (15F), R (21M), and B (24M) have always disliked me since we first met.
We were planning to go to Japan for this graduation gift but japan has a lot of walking from place to place and there would be nothing my stepfather’s kids would enjoy there as we are planning to go to a lot of anime and Pokémon things there in japan.
(I’m saying this because none of my stepfather’s kids enjoys walking or any sort of anime in general, and whenever we do something they don’t like they always complain about how everything is so boring) So I tried to say how it might be a bad idea seeing as it will be quite expensive for 6 people and seeing as 4 of those will only want to stay in a hotel room and do nothing, I explained it in the nicest way I could try to get him to see that it would be a bad idea without me telling him I don’t want him or his kids there.
So after 5 minutes of me trying to explain why I don’t think it’s a good idea for him and his kids to go he absolutely blew up at me and started yelling at me and calling me a selfish brat and how my mother always does everything for me.
(My mother always misses out on all of my school reward ceremonies because of his kids, and they’re also always down for the school holidays and any other holiday we have overseas.) His reasoning for him and his kids to come along with us was ‘it would be great family bonding, plus you always have your mother to yourself’ (my mother works 6 am-7 pm most days so I never see her if she’s home because she’s normally just cooking dinner and going off to bed just to repeat this almost every day.
And when she finally gets a day off my stepfather is always doing something with her for most of the day so once again I don’t have any time to spend with her).
So AITJ for me just wanting the holiday to be me and my mother for my graduation present, and not wanting my stepfather or his kids to come?
Edit 1: My mother had a talk with my stepfather about how this was planned and that it was just going to be her and I just for a little something for not being there for my past graduations. I overheard him saying ‘well it’s unfair that she gets everything she wants and my kids get nothing.
Plus you can’t just exclude my kids, they’re your kids as well (adoptive not biological) you make enough money for you to take us all not just your biological daughter.’
My mother came to talk to me afterward about what we were now going to do because it was ‘inconsiderate to his kids and how I wouldn’t like it if they went on a holiday and left me behind’ so she suggested a cheaper option for 6 people such as Bali, so he and his kids could just stay at a resort since they wouldn’t have to do much walking.
(Bali was my stepfather’s idea because he has always wanted to go to Bali and he and his kids can just stay at the resort and not go anywhere). The problem with this is that my stepfather doesn’t have custody of me, it’s spilt between my biological father and mother.
So unless I’m 18 I most likely won’t be able to go to Bali because of the rules. (Yes I’m aware that this is in 2 years from now but we were thinking of going in September and I turn 18 in December)
My mother said that she would talk about it more in the morning but it’s now most likely that we will be going to Bali instead and I most likely won’t be able to come along. Something might change after she realizes this but I’m not 100% sure
Edit 2: I got home and got greeted by my stepfather with all my clothing and books from my room cramped into 2 small suitcases. He had open trash bags of what was hanging up on my wall. He told me to take my stuff to go live with my father because his daughter (15) has had a fight with her biological mother and she wanted somewhere to stay for a little bit while she sorted things out with her mother.
(His kids live 9 hours away from us)
I called my father in tears because I didn’t know where I was going to go. After all, his daughter already made herself at home in MY room. So my father came to pick me up and he drove me to his house while he called my mother and told her what my stepfather had just done.
I told my father about what this all was about and he was furious. He offered me a permanent place to stay since he didn’t want me to live with my stepfather anymore. My mother said that she will have a talk with my stepfather about this because he works the night shift and my mother gets home around 7:30 pm.
So I’m staying at my father’s place for tonight so we will see what tomorrow brings. (My mother was completely unaware of what happened and she had no idea that his daughter was staying in her house).”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Tell your mom she’s breaking her plans with you and letting you down. It’s your graduation gift. If she takes it back or changes it into something you don’t want, it’s no longer a gift, and you don’t want it.
It sounds like she broke her word/promise to you. I hope you tell her you hardly get to spend any one-on-one time with her, and that this is a present you would both be able to look forward to for over a year in anticipation.
But she’s just going to let her husband crash the plan, steal the vacation away from you, and then basically kick you out of it. I wish she would stand up for you. I mean, her husband can’t live without her for just a couple of weeks?
You can’t go on a different family vacation together some other time? It sounds like he’s just trying to sabotage the fun time you planned to have with your mother out of some kind of petty jealousy.
I think you should keep pressing this because there is still plenty of time to fix it.
Keep telling her it’s all you want. Don’t fold to get along. This is important to you, and if you keep letting people treat you like a doormat in order to get along, you’ll keep getting treated worse and worse.
Stand up for yourself, and insist your mother stand up for you because this one is a hill worth dying on; If she lets him ruin these plans for you, he’ll know he can get away with it every time.” RulerOfNyaNyaLand
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Flat out refuse to go, this is your gift for your accomplishments and your step-family is making it about them. Tell your mum the trip to Japan is where you want to go and if your stepdad tries to kick up a fuss let them know you’ll be staying with your bio dad or other bio family (maybe grandparents or aunts/uncles?)
Your mum sounds like she needs to stand up to her husband because he’s on a power trip, the audacity to not only dictate when your mum can have a trip with her daughter – that he’s not financially contributing to at all – but to insist she brings him and his kids, changes the location/holiday entirely, and have your mum foot the bill for everyone is outrageous.
Hands down this man would go on a trip with his sons and leave you and your mum at home, I’d definitely stick to your guns and hopefully, it will make your mum see how much control this man is having over your lives if he’s willing to let you walk out the door for defending yourself because right now he’s fighting for his family, your mums slowly giving in to him and your the only one fighting for your voice to be heard.
Address it now before the relationship with your mum gets strained because if he wins this it’ll be like this until your old enough to move out and I’d hate for there to be any resentment towards your mum because of it.” CallMeLool
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. You might want to die on this hill since it seems that your mom has missed out on other things with you for his kids. If anything, they can do Bali together, and you and her can-do Japan.
It’s not like they would be spending time with you two other than meals, so what would be the difference really if going on two trips? It also sounds like your mom is paying for everything so that is a bit more screwed up that he’s going to pull all this nonsense reasoning.
Perhaps you should lay out for your mom all the time you’ve lost out on because of her having to do for his kids instead of you. Bring up how he says you get all her time, but all her time is spent at work and the rest he hogs when she is not resting from working so much.
He can take his kids to Bali while you two go to Japan. It’s your graduation, not theirs. If they want to go somewhere when they graduate and keep pushing this, perhaps you can butt in to demand a change of plans to accommodate you.” ConfectionExtra7869
You deserve one-on-one time with your mother and if they want to go on a vacation without you...bye!! I also suspect he knows you can't go to Bali and THAT is why he chose it.
THEN, he kicks you out of your room and your house?? And your mother says she'll talk to hime tomorrow?? NO...she needs to come home as SOON as you called her and told her what he did, and shove his head through something, and then kick him out. I would NEVER let or stay with someone who treated my child like that. Ugh I'm so mad...
You deserve soooo much better. I hope your father can be what you deserve.
8. AITJ For Letting Out 10 Years' Worth Of Repressed Anger To My Mother-In-Law?
“I (27F) and my husband (29M) have been together for 10 years, I was 16 when I met my husband, and being that I had no family of my own I was excited to meet my then-partner (my now husband)’s side of the family.
The first meeting went GREAT! Nik told them I was Greek (as he was Greek and my mum’s side is) and they reacted by trying to ask me things in Greek, it was overwhelming at first.
I respectfully let them know I am not familiar with my mum’s side BUT I am always willing to learn.
Although disappointed, they all understood. To impress them, however, I learned the language enough to have small conversations, learned how to cook the food they showed me and just celebrated them like they were my own b***d family.
Until a question got raised one day, WHERE my parents were, and who raised me?
Not going into it but they were not happy AT ALL with the small information I gave them. After that I was treated TERRIBLY, any attempts at Greek they laughed at but if I stopped learning then they could talk about me in front of my face, which they frequently did, expecting me not to understand until I did understand.
They called me disgusting nicknames and even blamed me for things that I didn’t even do! I was the punching bag and although at first Nik didn’t do anything to help, he soon started stepping up for me! All this was instigated by Thea who is the most narcissistic person you could meet, very two-faced. Another couple of years go by with this bullying and his mum realized that either she joined them in bullying me or she would lose her son.
She really buckled down when I had my first son Atticus and though she didn’t stick up for me, she also didn’t join in with them anymore.
So one day, Nik’s cousin brings home a girl, a lovely girl, now this cousin is queen bee Thea’s kid and she was showered in attention and love.
She isn’t Greek but they didn’t mind, months go by and they try teaching her some Greek and it was all going well until she also shared that she went through the same state system as me! I was so worried for her but they all just smiled and laughed and said that ‘we’re your family now.’
Something in me snapped.
I had to excuse myself, with a smile on my face, and sat out the front until my husband caught on and we left. We live in the same street as my MIL so she followed us home soon after and went to have a little go at me for leaving without giving YiaYia a kiss goodbye.
I’m a very calm and patient person normally and I went OFF. I brutally unleashed on her 10 years of rage and didn’t hold back!
My husband told his mum to go home and then told me I am a jerk for blowing up at her because I am jealous of Jacobs’s partner.
I do feel bad… but I had put up with so much… I’m not sure anymore – am I the jerk for yelling 10 years’ worth of repressed rage at my MIL?
Update: Nik and I have spoken. He approached me first and apologized for his outburst at me and admitted he felt caught off guard by my explosion and responded poorly.
We had the chance to talk about change and what I want from us going forward. Nik wants to talk to YiaYia and Thea about how I am feeling and if they react poorly or make excuses he will not hear it and will join me in cutting contact until they change their ways.
Surprisingly, Jacob contacted Nik while we spent the night apart and he understands what I’m feeling and now we are catching up outside of these family gatherings (which normally doesn’t happen).
Nik’s mum understands how I feel but doesn’t want us to cut ties, she really got upset when we told her we were moving within the next year.
Nik thinks she’ll adjust but until she does we’re keeping our distance. We’re going to look into couples counseling as I obviously have issues I need to vent and maybe he can get some closure too.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
Your in-laws’ behavior is disrespectful, combative, and bullying. Screw them! They gushed over the new girl to hurt you not to welcome her.
Your husband should always have your back. It’s his job to shut this down and protect you from his toxic family.
He may be a great guy aside from this but this is a huge betrayal. He knows they have been abusive to you for ten years, but instead of taking your side, he attacks you with jealousy nonsense. You have a right to be jealous and angry.
Cut them out of your life and if your husband starts spending holidays with them instead of with you then you need a divorce attorney.
His taking their side is a betrayal, remember that.” MagicianOk6393
Another User Comments:
“NTJ at all.
You are a STRONG and INDEPENDENT human. You are raising a child and working hard and getting things done.
You can do all of that without him. He is that weight of the world on your shoulders. He didn’t stick up for you at all.
Never has done in all the years you’ve been with him. He’s sat right next to you as you endured 10 years of mistreatment and bullying and he drags you back to them over and over again to be kicked down all over again.
Does he love you? Sounds like he doesn’t even like you. What person does that to someone they ‘love’? Allows their family to take advantage of them and then when you walk away he drags you back so they can keep abusing you.
Straight up tell him he has two options. Couples counseling or divorce because you refuse to be mistreated any longer. He can either stick up for you and stand up to the mistreatment or he will lose his wife and child because you won’t allow your son to watch as his mommy is treated awfully by his own father and father’s family.
Your son is watching. Don’t allow your son to end up like your husband. Don’t let him be spineless. You’ll be watching it all happen again when he gets a partner and he allows her to be mistreated too and he drags her back to continue to be mistreated. Don’t like the cycle continuing.
Break it. Lean on your friends. Show your son that you refuse to tolerate the mistreatment and show your son how to be a kind and empathetic human being.” Namshoke
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. This is what’s known as ‘the straw that broke the camel’s back.’ Or the ANVIL, in this case, because that is such a slap in the face.
I’d be tempted to wonder if the family learned their lesson from bullying you, but not if they’ve never stopped being so awful to you, over something decent people would support and protect you over.
Decent families, never mind good ones, don’t undermine your learning a language to become closer, just so that they can gossip behind your back.
Good people do not love and support someone as they initially did with you, only to gleefully yank it all away and treat you badly you for years. This is mistreatment. I’m sorry that both you and your husband are being mistreated by this bargain-bin ‘family,’ and I’m sorry you’ve wallowed in 10 years of the ‘sunk cost fallacy’ and memories of what they COULD have been.
I’m glad you have a good therapist, OP, and I’m glad you’re able to see that you deserve better. Is your husband open to therapy, both for couples and himself? It sounds like he has a lot to unpack in his own right, especially if y’all want any hope of protecting y’all’s child.
Worst case, if he continues to be a gateway to you (and later y’all’s child) being mistreated, please weigh that single decade spent so far, and all the decades with this ‘family’ yet to come.
You are so strong for sticking up for yourself, OP.
Maybe not in the way you wanted or planned, or in a way that keeps you solely on the ‘high road,’ but life is like that. Best of luck moving forward.” Notte_di_nerezz
7. AITJ For "Ruining Christmas" By Standing Up For Myself?
“I live in the UK but I am Filipino so have grown up with the cultural expectation to essentially raise my own parents. It’s super uncommon for children to move out of their parents’ house and it’s even expected sometimes that the parents live with their child’s family when they are grown and married. Hence why it’s been super hard for me to shake off paying for everything as I’ve been made to feel ungrateful, ashamed, and guilty for it in the past. And due to childhood trauma, felt like I wanted to avoid having those feelings added on and didn’t want to be ‘banished’ from my family as they are all I have.
I expect my mother has told my uncles and aunties about this so preparing myself for even more backlash as they would probably take her side.
My sister is 17 and I managed to help her find a job so that she can start savings of her own.
I’ve always tried to drill into her head the importance of financing and saving for her future – but understand this has been hypocritical of me as I’ve not been smart finance-wise by constantly giving my mother money.
My father has been unwell for several years now (mental health issues, gambling, substance & drinking problems) and is not around.
He racked us up in a load of debt when I was 15 so since I’ve been 17, I have been making conscious sacrifices for my family. Some of these include working an average of 2-3 jobs on top of full-time studies (College and University) while paying for rent every month at my mom’s house.
Now, I (F25) left home around 2 years ago after graduating as my mom’s then-partner was abusive and a heavy drinker. He also didn’t have a job so he was living rent-free (while I paid) and would lay on the couch all day drinking.
It was a horrible environment to live in and we lived in a small city so there was nothing for me job-wise. I felt bad about leaving but also had no other choice so went to the big city and got a full-time job.
Ever since then I’ve been paying my mom’s credit card bill off every month, paying the phone bills, sending my sister an allowance every month, and also helping out when needed while also paying for my rent, student loans, car, bills, etc. Before I left, I even paid off £2000 of the credit card and I also lent her £1000 for a house deposit which she said she would give back but after a year of lying to me about property agents holding it back due to damages, she admitted she spent the money.
Due to the cost-of-living crisis, I’ve found myself struggling. I’ve made it clear that I can try to help where I can but last week, my mom texted me asking for £800 for rent. She admitted that she gambled it away and the landlord had given her 24 hours’ notice or else.
Of course, I exploded and finally stood up for myself saying that I felt used and taken advantage of. I gave her the money but also exchanged some harsh words and was very obviously angry (called her an idiot, the F word used a lot, and told her to get her life together.) Because of this, I only have enough to pay off my rent this month, pay off my cat’s castration plus food.
I cannot afford to buy new tires for my car to drive home for Christmas or even get presents so have told her I cannot and will not be coming home for Christmas.
This has caused quite a stir and my mum has now blocked my number (after I called her out for using the credit card after seeing her partying on Saturday night when apparently she had no money).
My little sister is also angry with me but she does not know the reason why we argued.
I feel super torn about this but personally think I have every right to be upset and build up some boundaries as the gambling was the last slap in the face.
However, I am from an Asian background so know there is a big expectation from me to help out my family but also think that is outdated and that I have every right to support myself and my future.
So, am I the jerk for finally having enough?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Your mom is taking advantage of you. Cut off helping her financially and take care of you. You’ve worked hard and deserve to live a comfortable, financially stable life. You’ve been an adult for some years now, but your mom can take care of herself.
If she chooses not to, that’s on her, not you. When you make the decision to stop providing for your mom, it will be hard and I would highly recommend speaking with a therapist or trusted mentor if therapy isn’t in the budget.
Your mom will exponentially up the manipulation game and you need someone in your corner to help keep you centered in reality.” the_analog_kid
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Stop enabling the gambler and her deadbeat partner. Stop paying your mother’s bills.
Tell your sister why you argued with your mother. She needs to know that her mother is not taking care of her and is taking advantage of you. Do you think your mother is telling your sister the truth about who’s paying the bills?
No! Your mother is taking the credit.
Why would you want to go visit your mother’s house for Christmas? You’ll be made to buy all the presents and the food and will likely be nagged or insulted. People like your mother are NEVER appreciative of the help they are given.
Your sister is clearly old enough to understand the truth of your situation.
It sounds like your mother is a bad parent and should not have custody of your sister. If your sister lives with you, she’ll always have a roof over her head.
Let your mother be a lay-about… soon-to-be homeless lay-about. Do not let your mother move in with you. She will never leave your gravy train. She had you. You are not responsible for her. She is an adult. She can suffer the consequences of her actions.” benfranklin-katniss
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. A lot harsh maybe. But justified.
Your mother is taking advantage of you. She knows she has you to enable her and will continue to pay her bills. She has no reason to be responsible.
I understand your frustration and it’s valid.
I also understand the concern about your cultural expectations. While you are justified to want to cut the toxic relationship and stop giving her money, I can also see why you’d feel guilty or afraid of being criticized in your culture and family and close friends for not doing what is expected of you.
However, there are things you could do to prevent her from having cash to spend on booze or gambling. Like, pay her rent directly to the landlord. Pay the bills directly to the creditor. Buy your sister the things she needs rather than sending cash.
But, I’d definitely cut off the credit cards. If they’re in your name and your mom is an authorized user, take her off and get a new credit card number issued. If she owns the card, quit paying it.
It’s extremely expensive to pay for the interest and it does nothing to help her learn to budget and live within her means.
But honestly, if you don’t want to contribute to them anymore, then you should do that without feeling guilty.
It’s your mother’s responsibility to get her act together. Until she has a reason to, she won’t. Tough love is sometimes needed. Not to mention that you’re never going to be able to prosper yourself if you give everything extra you have to her.” Gorgeous-Angelface
6. AITJ For Forgetting My Ex-Husband's Birthday?
“Bad abusive marriage ended in 2019. He has a lot of red flags for narcissistic traits. We have an 11-year-old child whom I have custody of and he sees her once a month.
He’s bounced in and out of her life but has been pretty steady the last year.
Yesterday was a big day for me. Recently started an event entertainment business and yesterday was a large mall event. The whole family is involved including my daughter who assists me.
We had a great event!
Today on the way to Disney Springs for fun, her dad calls her and he is speaking to her. She prefers speakerphone so being in the car, I can’t help of course but be listening to the very uncomfortable call for her.
He tells her it was his birthday yesterday and asks why she didn’t call. She said she didn’t know it was his birthday and he says ‘I guess your mother didn’t tell you.’ She told him no, we had a busy day yesterday and he says, ‘aren’t you going to say happy birthday to me?’ And she said it but her tone was annoyed and he get more frustrated but tried to change the subject which didn’t go well either but had nothing to do with his birthday.
I honestly forgot it was even his birthday yesterday. If I did remember, I would have reminded her to call her dad. I told her to add it to her calendar on her phone for every year so she had the reminder.
Like AITJ for not keeping track of that sort of thing? I mean he’s pulled this same stuff about his deceased dad’s birthday and the day he passed away like he expects me to remember and acknowledge it and remind our child of it.
It’s been hard trying to grey rock him to keep my own sanity and boundaries with him, so I want to make sure I’m not going too far with indifference to his antics.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. It’s inappropriate how he spoke to your daughter, she’s 11 and he’s a grown man.
But as a kid of divorced parents and raising a kid who isn’t my biokid, may I suggest you take a different approach to this? Take him and his rudeness out of it. Ask your daughter if these days are something she would like help remembering.
Ask her if there’s anything, in particular, she would like to do for the days – card, letter, gift, etc. That way you’re supporting her in her relationships, regardless of how her father is a jerk.
One thing I didn’t appreciate about my mom when I was a kid but appreciate now was that she let our relationship with our dad be ours – she’d give us money, take us shopping, and ship presents to him despite him being a major jerk who mistreated her.
She didn’t have to, and I’m sure she wasn’t ever happy to. But she let us take the lead on it.” lark_song
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. His birthday is of absolutely no concern to you anymore. He could have hinted to his daughter the days beforehand if he wanted her to acknowledge it (if she was older, she would be in the wrong to not call him, but she’s only 11, I get it).
But that wasn’t your responsibility at all. No way.” Defiant_Rule3099
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but since he uses this to try to guilt her and cause drama, maybe program it into your phone calendar to remind her next year a week ahead of time?
Or, if she has a phone/tablet, put a reminder on her device. Just a ‘set it and forget it’ reminder set to repeat yearly. Heck, buy 10 birthday cards & stamps so she has them ready to drop in the mail once a year.
Make dealing with this nonsense as simple and humdrum as possible.” Pumpkinspiciness
5. AITJ For Not Going To My In-Laws' House For The Holidays?
“My (27 M) husband, Alejandro (25 M), and I have been married for four years.
When Alejandro first introduced me to his family his father blew up. He began yelling and telling us that it was wrong and immoral to be gay. That gay people were wicked and dragged you into a lifestyle that took you down a bad road.
After a lot of shouting between Alejandro, his sisters, and his dad. His mother tried her best to diffuse the situation.
In the end, they let me stay at their house, although things were very tense. We left and each time we came back Alejandro’s father never acknowledged my presence other than a curt greeting.
I tried my best to try to start conversations with him about things that might be interesting (he works in a trade and I tried my best to look some stuff up about his specific trade and talk to him about it), but he always shot my attempts down.
Eventually, my husband and I got married. His father didn’t show up to the wedding or even call to congratulate us. Along with some other very upsetting interactions with my husband’s family, I decided I didn’t want to go back to his family’s home.
I always encouraged my husband to visit, but I myself would not go. I told my husband why and he confronted his father again about his treatment of us and our relationship (on a trip to his family’s house that I didn’t go on).
His father told him that he was a disappointment and that his lifestyle was not something he could ever support. Because of this, my husband cut off his father for a year. He didn’t speak to him or visit his family during that year (though he did see his mom and sisters without his father on a family trip).
Eventually, his father apologized to my husband and they both made up. My husband wants to visit his family for the holidays. I’ve suggested that we both go to our respective families and then meet up at my parent’s house for Christmas.
He is upset with me that I don’t want to visit his family. While I’m happy that they’ve made up, that doesn’t change how I have been treated over the past few years and how uncomfortable his dad has made me feel when I’m around.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“Would it make a difference if you got a sincere apology from his dad? If so, it’s worth pointing out to your husband that while his dad apologized to him, he still hasn’t apologized to you, and that’s necessary before you can even think about taking another stab at building a relationship.
It’s okay if the answer to that question is no – you don’t have to be willing to give him another chance, with how he has treated you.
It’s also okay if you want to have some lower-stakes meet-ups sometime in the new year and you’ll consider next Christmas as a possibility if they go well.
Christmas is a stressful day even with the most convivial family, so it’s completely reasonable to want to have a few harmonious gatherings under your belt before the big holiday.
NTJ” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ for not wanting to re-enter what has been a consistently hostile atmosphere.
I wouldn’t blame you for sticking to your guns and not visiting. However, there is a possible opportunity here for a change and a better future if you do visit. If your partner has made up with his father, that means he’s going to be a part of his life for the foreseeable future (you’re both in your 20s) and your avoiding him is just going to be a continuous source of contention in your relationship.
Moreover, if the father apologized to your partner, there may be an apology waiting for you.
It’s not an easy thing to change a lifetime of beliefs and values, and if the father is willing to make that change, it would be big of you to help him move forward.
Not an easy thing by any stretch of the imagination, but worthy things are rarely easy and in the long-term, it might be the right thing to do.” Sealchoker
Another User Comments:
“You’re clearly NTJ here, and I can absolutely feel the fear and disgust about having to face a person who has treated your own person(hood) with contempt.
Although it sounds like some things have been smoothed over by your hubs, the fear of disappointment is real.
You can choose to give it one more go and make a deal with your other half that this is your last shot.
Or not, and go directly to your family and meet up later. The stress is real, it has precedent. But if you think it’s worth one more try, after all your efforts, this would be the time to give a relationship with your in-law one more shot.
Either way, I hope you both have a most magnificent holiday!” Vera_Telco
4. AITJ For Not Apologizing To My Dad's Partner?
“I’m the oldest child; 26-year-old F and live on my own, siblings are in college.
My dad, his partner; and my siblings came to visit (I live across the country) over Thanksgiving. From the start, I could tell something was off about my dad‘s partner.
She lied about having lived in my city in the past, all it took was looking at her LinkedIn to prove this.
When I confronted her, she said ‘oh – I meant I traveled here for work.’ Also found out she lied about being a nurse – she works as a receptionist at a doctor’s office. Didn’t confront her about the second one.
So right off the bat, I think she’s a phony. They’ve only been together for 3 months. She doesn’t have kids of her own.
My siblings and I bickered throughout the trip as normal, over petty nonsense siblings fight.
My dad‘s partner was appalled at this and scolded us every time. At one point she even said ‘I can’t deal with this’ and walked out of the restaurant because my brother and I were debating politics. It wasn’t hostile, just a heated discussion.
My bro and I laughed it off and were taking pics together 5 mins later, while my dad‘s partner was still storming in the bathroom. She’s not used to being around large families. And she’s not used to being around ‘kids’ never having had any of her own.
She also kept trying to control me, like when one of my sisters and I wanted to go to a bar & she didn’t want us to go, even though my sister is 22. She went out with my dad and wanted it to be ‘just the two of them’ but then flipped when my sister and I wanted to go out because ‘how could my dad let us go after our behavior’.
Or when my phone died at their hotel and instead of calling me an Uber to get home, she told me to stand on the curb (in freezing weather) and get myself a cab at 2 am. The last night they were here was my final straw.
They ran out of beers at the concession stand at a concert we’d gone to, so I told them I was going up to the next level to get a beer. His partner goes ‘Really? Why can’t you just enjoy the show without having to drink?’ I’d drank 1 beer; she was on #4.
I lost my mind. I got into her face and asked her ‘(Name) why are your eyes so red? Maybe you’re the one that needs to hold off on the drinks. Please stay in your place and stop trying to control me, a 26-year-old.’ My dad was livid and told me to apologize.
I told him I think his partner is a witch and a phony, I’m not sorry, and went back to my seat.
My dad isn’t speaking to me until I apologize. I’m coming home soon for Christmas.
I plan on staying w my mom. I want my dad to be in my life, but I don’t like his partner one bit. I don’t like how she controls my dad, I don’t like how she talks to me like she’s my mom, and I don’t like how she lied. I don’t like how she told my dad not to call me an Uber at 2 am when it would’ve been safer and more convenient and didn’t affect her.
I did apologize to my dad. AITJ for being firm in not apologizing to his partner?”
Another User Comments:
“She did live in your city; it was a work trip. Entirely possible her work assignment kept her there for several months or a year and she considers that time ‘living in your city’.
Lying about being a nurse. Completely normal for a nurse to transition to working at the desk in a doctor’s office at some point. Or to just sit and work at the front desk as part of her job.
Your behavior makes it sound like you’re just permanently angry at your dad’s partner and you’re ready to jump down her throat for just about any reason at all.
PS. She was gently telling you that you didn’t need another drink because you were already too out of control.
YTJ” RutilatedGold
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. The outburst was immature. Why is she being held responsible for you waiting outside? Why couldn’t your dad or your other siblings call one? Given your interactions at that point, why would she agree to pay for your ride home?
Three months is too soon for a meet-the-family trip, not to mention trying to parent your very new partner’s adult children. She’s a liar and being controlling but the way you yelled makes her look like the victim in the interaction.
Your dad might be in a relationship with a manipulator who is doing her best to isolate him from his family by being as obnoxious as possible. Here’s hoping your other siblings can convince him not to rush into a commitment with her.” cassowary32
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
But I would be careful to maintain a relationship with your father. You can make it clear you and his partner don’t get along but that shouldn’t affect your relationship with him.
The reason I say be careful is that I’ve seen this firsthand in my own family and we didn’t realize it until it was too late.
She is trying to control your father and her likely intention is she’s intentionally causing these conflicts and after she’s instigated a reaction she will then act like the innocent/victim to cause a rift between you and your father.
She’ll keep doing this until only she is left and she is the only ‘trusting’ one he can turn to.” new_moony
Another User Comments:
“Everyone sucks here. You seem annoyed that she was included at all. You could have been respectful that your bickering with your siblings is uncomfortable to watch.
You and your sister could have let her have planned time alone with your dad instead of insisting on joining them at the same bar. You could have talked to your dad about the Uber/cab situation at the time.
You could consider that your problem is with him and not her, instead of blaming her for his behavior. He’s the one with the relationship with you. You could try not being so touchy about your adultness or declining to engage.
Instead, you overreacted in an aggressive, insulting manner.
Your behavior was poor and you should regret that regardless of the provocation. Your father shouldn’t have included a partner of three months in an extended family visit. He shouldn’t have reneged on his promise to order you an Uber.
He should have gone to a different bar with his partner when she needed some space. She shouldn’t try to alter family dynamics or cast stones about drinking or pipe in about every situation. You don’t have to like her but your reaction was wildly disproportionate and rude, and it’s pretty immature of you not to see that at all even though you’re a whopping 26.” no_good_namez
3. AITJ For Quitting As The Family's Caregiver?
“I am the one (I have four sisters) who’s been taking care of everything for my 81-year-old mother from finding good doctors & specialists for her, to scheduling her appts & taking her to them & brainstorming with her doctors, to dealing with the pharmacy & her meds, to helping her with financial messes & giving her legal help, to making sure she gets out shopping for what she needs or wants, & am the only one who spends any real time with her & is the one she calls whenever she needs something or is not feeling well; but the other day I found out that she had my sister make an appointment weeks ago with the funeral home & my sister took her to the appointment yesterday morning to make her arrangements, which was all intentionally kept secret from me; & my mother also informed us all that she put my oldest sister & youngest sister down as her executors.
Now my youngest sister is one who we all know would literally rob her own mother, because she has, & is why my mother needed my assistance with some legal work because my sister had an agreement to buy my mother’s house when she decided to downsize to a trailer (I was told she would sell it to me if only I had $10,000 for a downpayment, but my sister & her husband didn’t need a penny down) yet they’d lived in the house for over three years with having literally made only one payment to my mother while she was having to pay off the loan for her trailer, & on top of it my sister never switched the utilities to her name in those three years & ran up the electric bill in my mother’s name into thousands of dollars in arrears; but I stepped up with my legal skills & my sister is now paying our mother (to the tune of $850/mo) for the house & the utility bill was taken care of as well.
My oldest sister is one who, as my mother herself has said, has no backbone when it comes to standing up to anyone or to question anything, which is why my mother used to be on 7 different b***d pressure meds daily & seeing a quack but now is seeing specialists & taking one b***d pressure med daily & one ‘as needed’ for b***d pressure spikes; & my mother also says herself that this sister is only in it for herself with anything & only does for what she can get out of something.
I know this was intended as just another in the long line of slaps in the face & my mother’s narcissistic behaviors of & toward me which I’ve had to deal with (from constant badmouthing & belittling me to others behind my back as well as right in front of me, to her little comments about my size/weight, to a multitude of other digs & a lot of game playing) which I kept letting roll off my back, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.
So the other day when this news broke, I messaged all of my sisters & my mother that if others are better suited to handle her affairs in death then they can handle her affairs in life as well from here on in & that I wash my hands of all I’ve been doing & am simply done!
So… AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Caregiving is never owed. Since apparently, your mother feels your sisters are so much better at handling things, let them handle it all. Shut down communication and take care of yourself and she can deal with what she has set up.
I suspect you’ve been trying to ‘win’ your mother’s love all your life. You need to accept that you are looking down a dry well and there isn’t anything there. Please consider some counseling to help you cope with the past trauma and spend your time and energy on building a family of choice of people who will value you.” Dipping_My_Toes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ to step down from providing the support services which your mother apparently does not appreciate one iota. I suppose there’s a remote possibility your mother thinks she’s relieving you of some of the workloads of being a caretaker to her.
You’ll never know unless you talk with her about it. You’ll also not know how much your sisters manipulated her to a position where they could financially mistreat her. I do not think you are a jerk for relieving yourself of some responsibilities.
Be sure to her assorted doctors’ offices that you are no longer the contact person for her and take care of yourself.” lonnielee3
Another User Comments:
“NTJ
They are all taking advantage of you. And they can only take advantage of you if you allow it.
You knew they were snakes when you came back. What behavior do you expect from them? They are just doing what they do.
Your mother gave away her house. She insults you – the only person who actually helps her.
She doesn’t deserve your help.
It’s tough. I know. I had to go no contact with my mother in her twilight years. But I couldn’t allow her to continue to stomp on my boundaries.
I have a great life without her terrible treatment in it.
I wasn’t living my life as though I depended on an inheritance from her. You don’t need to do that. Your life will be much better with the peace of mind you have from not dealing with her negativity.” cathline
2. AITJ For Yelling At My Mom And Going To A Sleepover?
“I’m 29F and my parents are still very protective.
We’re not wealthy or live in a bad area, but we lost my sister to cancer 10 years ago. Everyone says that’s why they’re overprotective. My curfew is 9 pm. I constantly have to update them on where I am and who I’m with.
I always have to ask in advance if I can go outside (church, school, groceries), I have a car but I’m not allowed to drive. They didn’t allow me to get a driver’s license so they hired a driver for me.
Everyone says I’m lucky to have parents who care so much. But I feel like they’re manipulative and possessive.
On Nov 30, I passed my nurse licensure exam. Dec 1 was my birthday. On Dec 2, my friends all passed the exam too and decided to eat and then hang out.
We’re having fun (no booze, just 6 girls and 2 guys talking) and they suggest a sleepover to watch movies. My parents don’t like me staying out late, so at 7 pm, I asked if I can sleep over. My mom sounded weak (she was fine earlier, we last spoke at 2 pm) and she didn’t answer my question.
All she said was ‘I’m sick’ but when I asked what was wrong and if she wanted me to take her to the ER, she hung up.
20 mins later she messages me calling me a disappointment because I chose my friends over her.
I tried calling her over and over but she didn’t answer. When she finally did, I asked again if she needed anything and if she needed me to bring her to the ER. She yelled ‘No, since you chose your friends over me!’ and then hung up again.
So I left and got home at 8:20 and my mom is just sitting down, still wet from the shower. My aunt and cousin were home. I asked again what was wrong, she yelled, ‘You’re a nurse, you should know!
Can’t you see?’ I was confused because she was not bleeding, and is not having a stroke or heart attack. She’s pretty healthy for 60 with no hypertension, asthma, or diabetes. So I ask again and she says her body hurts.
I asked if I can go buy her meds and she said she bought them already but hasn’t taken them yet. So I said please take your meds, rest, and put ice compress. Then she readies to go to sleep and I ask, may I leave now or do you need anything else?
But she flips out saying that since I’m a nurse I should know automatically what she needs and that I chose her friends over her.
I don’t know, I lost it and just started yelling at her to let me live, I’ve done literally everything they wanted. I was the top of my class, student council president, and graduated with Latin honors and leadership and community service awards.
I never went to bars or clubs, I even missed classes to go with my mom whenever she wanted to go somewhere. I said I just want one night for fun. Then I packed my stuff and left for the sleepover.
Now the family says I’m wrong and rude and should go back home to apologize. I feel like I didn’t do anything wrong (aside from yelling at her and going to the overnight) but everyone said to let it pass and apologize.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, she’s guilt-tripping you and your family is too possessive of you. it’s a horrible situation to be in. You’re old enough to drive anywhere you want and go out without anyone’s permission – simply giving a heads-up to your family should be enough.
You need to set and exercise healthy boundaries like you did with the sleepover. Don’t let your mother emotionally manipulate you. She has family at home to care for her, and if she doesn’t need the ER there’s no reason for you to be there either.
Enjoy your life.” Careful_Bit_5246
Another User Comments:
“This is not overprotective – it is controlling. A 9 pm curfew is for 14-year-olds, not for those aged nearly 30. Seeking permission for sleepovers is also for 14-year-olds. Get together your birth cert, passport, etc, make sure you have money they can’t access, and make arrangements to get out.
It will be hard to leave and you may need outside support. But if you don’t you will be stuck there waiting for your life to begin and before you know it, you will be a full-time carer for both your parents and feeling even more suffocated than you do now.
Despite what they say, it is OK for you to go out, stay out all night, go dancing, kiss someone you fancy, fall in love, have your heart broken, drink – even drink too much – go traveling, drive a car and basically do anything you want to and can afford.
You have a right to live and to thrive – and also to seek out therapy and support in relation to the suffocating, controlling, and unequal relationships you have had to endure for the last nearly thirty years.
This is not normal, and despite what your friends say, you are not lucky.
They aren’t seeing your reality. You are deeply unlucky to be infantilized and micromanaged by your overbearing parents and you deserve so much more.
NTJ, OP. GET OUT.” duchessofmardi
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. They have been manipulating you for years.
You have nothing to apologize for. ‘Overprotective’ is a description of their behavior, but that does not make it acceptable behavior. You are an adult, stop ASKING for permission, and start TELLING them what you are going to do (or don’t tell them and just do it.) You don’t need their permission to live your life.
As to your mother’s illness – it was about manipulation and not about actually being sick.
You are a nurse, not a mind-reader. You do not have x-ray vision or MRI vision, so unless your mother COMMUNICATES with words, you would have no way to magically ‘see’ what is wrong.
She needs to apologize for her behavior, not you.” TrainingDearest
1. AITJ For Getting My Neighbors Evicted?
“I live in an apartment block, like 10 or so apartments next to each other in a part of town that’s known for people with low income/requires government assistance. It’s my first apartment and it’s cheap, I moved in quickly as I wanted to get away from my parents as it wasn’t helping my mental health staying with them.
The neighbors right next to me deal in a lot of sketchy things such as dealing illegal substances/stolen items this doesn’t bother me as it’s none of my business and as long as I’m left alone then they can do whatever they want.
I have dealt with people like these all my life.
Recently there have been a lot of arguments coming from the block with constant screaming, things smashing at all hours of the day, ripping security doors off the hinges, rubbish being thrown onto my little grass area in front of my door, my bin being knocked over and I saw my neighbor walking up and down with a cricket bat hitting a car in the car park, etc.
This made me think it’s time to move as I don’t want to get involved with drama like this or have my car damaged etc. and I know that calling the police will only make it worse so I reached out to the real estate agency (they are who I rent through) asking if they can help me find a rental in an area in my city that doesn’t have low-socioeconomic standards (apologies if this offends anyone).
They said they would as I have no problem paying more in rent, but apparently, this got the agency intrigued and they came for a surprise inspection and saw all the damage they had done to the inside and outside of the property and issued an eviction notice.
My other neighbor mentioned this to me as I was coming back from work and was asking if I ratted on them as they wanted to thank whoever did it.
I think I might be the jerk for the way I mentioned it to the agency as it got them intrigued because I can afford to pay more in rent but the rental rates for this area are sometimes all they can afford so I may have made them homeless.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Don’t accept the guilt that doesn’t belong to you. You didn’t break the terms of your lease by destroying property. Your neighbors did that, and that’s why they’re being evicted. Whether you brought their behavior to the landlord’s attention or not is IRRELEVANT.
You did nothing wrong, and there is no reason for you to feel guilty.
Sounds like there’s a good reason for you to feel fear, though. Definitely do not tell anyone about your conversation with the management. Just find a new place and get there as soon as possible.” zszal
Another User Comments:
“YTJ for not getting them evicted on purpose. There are no ‘social economic issues’ that can’t be solved by evicting bad neighbors. Your solution is to just move on but a lot of your neighbors don’t have that option.
You choose not to be a member of the community, and apparently, you think it’s because you think you’re better.
By all means, move if you want to live somewhere else. Who doesn’t want to upgrade if they can? But this whole attitude of ‘that’s just how they are’ is classist and terrible.” pawsplay36
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – you called because you want to move, not to blame anyone. That’s a big lesson they have to learn: if they have something to hide, they have to make sure the neighbors don’t get bothered, else wise landlords or authorities will start to ask questions or going to look at what’s on.
They snitched themselves.
But please for your own safety DO NOT tell anyone you’re going to move. People who are that stupid to not hide themselves are also stupid enough to not blame themselves and are dangerous. Act like normal and don’t go out alone in the dark.
Maybe even invest in some pepper spray or something else for self-defense.” MadMaid42
Another User Comments:
“YTJ, only because you didn’t phone up to tell the people you rent from that there are people there messing up the property. You’re an adult, they aren’t your friends, you aren’t supposed to protect them, and ‘telling’ on them isn’t snitching or ratting on them, it’s just being an adult.
If someone is smashing up security doors where I live, or smashing cars in the parking lot then you make the call to the landlord and/or cops because that person is doing criminal damage.” TwoBionicknees
