People Seek A Reply To Their "Am I The Jerk?" Situations
13. AITJ For Not Wanting People With Dwarfism At My Wedding?
“I (27f) am getting married next year. I’m the only girl in a family of 4 kids and have a group chat with my 3 brothers (39, 35, and 25m).
We are close and we all joke around a lot, and of course, I’m sharing my wedding plans with them, one of them being the fact that I want a Celtic band because both me and my future husband are huge RPG and fantasy nerds.
The band will be relevant soon.
One day, I was stressed with planning and budgeting because everything is so expensive, and I mentioned that just a ceremonialist (the person to proclaim you husband and wife, doesn’t need to be ordained or a priest), even though we don’t plan to have one, can go for around 1,5k.
My oldest brother, let’s call him F (39) said “for that amount I can make a speech myself and also have two dancing dwarves on each side”. We laughed at that because it was obviously an exaggerated joke.
Fast forward a few days, F starts saying we should have a dwarf at the party, that he once went to a birthday party where they had one be there to be tossed around by guests.
I thought this was far-fetched and even if it was true, it was kinda screwed up. My other brothers thought it was funny and we left it at that.
So yesterday F sends us an audio saying “It doesn’t make sense to have a Celtic band and not have dwarves at your wedding, let me bring one” and I replied saying “you ARE NOT bringing a dwarf to my wedding”
He then said “I won’t bring one I’ll bring like three and they will be dressed as hobbits and dance around the guests and it’s gonna be so funny please let me do it it will be my wedding gift”
While this seems like a joke if he gets obsessed enough I know for a fact he might just do it – he did an entire moose head out of paper for our middle brother’s housewarming party, he spent days making it instead of giving a useful gift, because “it would be funny”.
He’s a very creative and fun guy but sometimes I think he takes things too far and doesn’t respect the wishes of those around him.
We’re having a very small wedding, only family and close friends, and as such we have limited guest space.
Anyone he brings, as a joke or not, would be considered an extra guest from the planned list, and me and my fiance would have to cover for that. Other brothers also joined on the haha funny train by saying stuff like “it’s okay small people only pay half”.
I told them I would be genuinely upset if F went through with this, and I don’t think it’s right to treat people with dwarfism like party props, and now my brothers think I’m a killjoy and that it’s not that deep.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You may want to contact these groups and tell them that your brother is off his rock and this is not what you would want at your wedding and please do not indulge him by having them show up.
The way he is going on, it sounds like it would result in someone getting hurt, or worse he is taking this to a point of no return where he is either going to end up ruining your wedding or uninvited.
You may want to put that out on the family chat that if they do, they will be asked to leave, and you will go no contact with them for the rest of their lives.
That there is no discussion or negotiations here on this issue, hard line in the sand kind of deal.
Now I know what I would do if I were you OP, and lets just say it would be a day my sibling would not forget, and probably would not talk to me for a long time afterward.
And he would be asked after that, was it worth it?” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“This is the definition of othering. Your brother and also you to some extent seem to see them as less than human, even though you know it’s bad, the way you phrase it is concerning.
They are people. I have a friend with dwarfism whose life is hard because people stare, take photos non-consensually, want pictures, and even try and pick him up without asking.
He doesn’t go out in the evenings because it’s worse around people who’ve been drinking.
Sure there are people out there with dwarfism (this is a word used in the UK by some people with the condition) who are happy to make some change out of it, but they don’t do it willingly, it can be hard to be employed, and they don’t enjoy it because it can be dangerous to be around intoxicated people who see them as their toy for the night.
Also, it contributes to the problem that people see people with dwarfism as less than human and othered.
If I went to an event where people with dwarfism were used as entertainment, I would leave.” Responsible-Range-66
Another User Comments:
“This is just exploitation at its worse. And I can’t decide who’s the bigger jerk, the people who hire little people for their own entertainment purposes or the business owner for even promoting this type of business.
But alas I’m sure if the little people are willing to be hired and employed in this fashion then such is their choice.
At the end of the day, screw the brother; he’s the jerk for forcing something on your wedding you don’t want.” Accurate_Ad_2647
12. AITJ For Calling My Stepmom A Sadist?
“I am 17 female, My dad has remarried about a year ago, and it’s been heck from the start.
For context I have two younger brothers, I work and I often help out with the bills and my two younger brothers, I do the exact chores that my father previously gave me.
My room is always clean, I do the dishes after dinner, I do the laundry every week, I am in charge of cleaning the kitchen, living room, and back patio, as well as taking our trash.
So I do what I have to do, but I don’t allow my stepmom to try and make me do more things than I already do or try to make major changes in my life.
Again I just do what I need to do so I can go on with my life.
I’m just saying this to show that I am a good kid I can admit that I really do not like my stepmom.
My dad won’t see it and constantly acts like I’m losing my mind, but my stepmom acts differently behind closed doors.
I told everyone from the beginning that I do not see her as my mom, I won’t be calling her mom, and this change with her and her four kids moving into our apartment will not change aspects of my life, I’m not a babysitter but she constantly disrespects that.
I’m not sure why, but she loves trying to “punish me” which I don’t let her do. Again, i don’t need disciplining. I’m just not happy anymore and I’m done putting on a smile to please everyone of overworking myself to feel proud of, so I do what I need to do and everyone can leave me alone.
She constantly tries to make me do more than I already do, go as far as to clean her bedroom and bathroom, pick out her kids’ clothes, buy them clothes, and gets angry if I say no.
Now to the conflict, The other day she tried coming to me telling me to call off of work to watch her kids, I told her that I won’t and I am not a babysitter.
Her kids are all twins, 2 of them 14, 2 of them 15.
She told me that “she wasn’t asking me, and if I’m not there I loose my phone, car, and laptop.
( I pay for all that) I just said I will be going, She said I won’t, don’t try arguing because my dad will “put me in check” all I said was “we’ll see.”
So like I said I went to work, I left the kids there, made them some food, and left. And she was mad, vein popping out of her forehead mad.
She started yelling at me trying to take all of my stuff but I kept them in my room and told her that I said I would not and she shouldn’t be surprised.
She got mad saying how “witchy” I was, incompetent to even babysit a couple of kids, and she can’t wait till I turn 18 to kick me out. I agreed, and she got even madder and tried saying I will be coming straight home from school.
At this point, I just accused her of being a sadist and thriving off of watching people suffer because that’s the only way I could imagine someone being such a heartless jerk to someone.
The argument was over, I went where I needed to, did what I needed to, but my dad and her have given me the silent treatment and won’t even leave dinner there for me.
So AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ! The 14 and 15-year-old twins are capable of doing everything that you did at their age which sounds like taking care of two younger siblings, cooking, cleaning, working, and paying bills that are solely your parents’ responsibility.
You should secure all paperwork and anything of value in your room. Start bringing things over to your mothers ASAP and if anyone says anything, let them know you are decluttering/donating items. That way when you are ready to go you can easily pack up and get out in one trip.
Let them know on that day you are done and will not return.
Stop financially contributing to the household! Go to a different bank, set up automatic deposits with your employer, and put everything on a debit card.
Carry as little funds in your wallet as possible. Remind him that he is the father, that you are his child and not his parent. He and your stepmother are responsible for the household.
Let her know that if you were capable of all of that responsibility at their age then they are as well. If she pushes back let her know it is not your fault her children were not raised/trained properly!
Keep only your personal area clean and your own laundry done.
Not sure if you are planning to go to college or continue full-time with the job you currently have, but if you emancipate yourself from your parents you will find that you have many benefits available to you to help you with expenses.
Good luck and get out ASAP! Worry about your brothers after you are safe and secure.” tamij1313
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Save every cent and move out as soon as you are 18.
Start getting all your important paperwork together so they can’t sabotage you.
Most importantly, you will need your Birth Certificate and Social Security Card if you don’t already have them.
If you can’t find them or they are being withheld from you, you can order copies.
You can get copies of your because by requesting it from the state where you were born.
Most state records are held in the capital of each state. Go online to the capital city website of the appropriate state and fill out a request. You will need certain info and will have to pay a small fee, generally anywhere from $10-$40.
Go to your local social security office and request the paperwork to fill out to get a copy. You might be able to do it online. There will be a small fee.
Good luck!” Bae_Mes
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Also, why the heck do her four TEENAGERS need a babysitter? Has she raised them to be so incompetent? My 11-year-old already babysits for the neighbor’s baby.
My 14-year-old has been babysitting for a few years too. My 9-year-old is fine on his own for a couple of hours. The only one who still needs a babysitter is my 5-year-old.
Make sure you hide your keys and phone and wallet when you’re home. Keep anything valuable in a safe place. Try talking to your dad separately from your stepmom again.
He sounds pathetic for not sticking up for you. Never ever clean her crap. She’s epitomizing the evil stepmother cliché.” EconomyVoice7358
11. AITJ For Telling My Sister She's Raising Her Kid To Be A Criminal?
“My sister, Evie’s, pregnancy with my nephew, Liam, was a high-risk one.
Liam got stuck in the birth canal during Evie’s labor, I still remember the panic on Evie and my brother-in-law, Leon’s, faces as we all thought Liam would not make it.
Luckily, we had an incredible team of hospital staff and Liam was completely okay. Liam is healthy but Evie has not been able to move past the experience of almost losing Liam.
Now she never enforces boundaries on Liam and her reasoning to me always is he almost died and whatever Liam did isn’t the end of the world.
My brother-in-law is a foreign service officer and often overseas for weeks or months at a time.
Evie stays at home, so she is the one raising Liam. I love my nephew but he is out of control. Liam is capable of behaving; He behaves when I or his grandparents are in charge because we give him consequences.
If he purposely breaks his cousin’s toy, for example, he receives a scolding and time out. But then if Evie is around or Liam mentions being punished to her later, Evie gets upset at us because Liam “doesn’t understand what he’s doing” and she’ll buy Liam ice cream or a toy to “make up for Auntie/Nana and Peepaw being mean to you.”
When Evie is around or Liam is at school, he is out of control. The school calls Evie almost every day because Liam believes he doesn’t need to listen to his teacher.
Liam will throw/break things if he doesn’t get his way. Other kids are afraid of Liam for this reason, which Evie claims is all of them “bullying” Liam and they and the school don’t understand Liam.
Liam expresses sadness to me because he doesn’t understand why he can’t make friends and clearly isn’t happy. Yet Evie still tries to distract Liam with toys and encourages Liam that he is perfect and it’s the whole world that is against him.
I got a call from Evie explaining that Liam had a tantrum because he wanted to eat at a specific restaurant that was closed that day. Liam threw a toy in anger and he accidentally knocked the laptop I lent him for schoolwork off the table.
Evie said she would offer to buy me a new one, as it is beyond fixing, but how I had mentioned before that it was a throwaway computer and I likely wasn’t going to use it again anyway.
Evie still wasn’t punishing Liam because he’s a rainbow baby and why would she punish a child for “expressing his feelings.” I told my sister that nobody is going to care that Liam’s her miracle baby when he grows up to be a criminal and she’s raising Liam to be a miserable and spoilt monster unless she changes.
We got into a screaming match on the phone before I hung up.
A friend of mine, Raquel, told me I was awful for saying my 7-year-old nephew would grow up to be a monster and I’ll never know the trauma Evie went through believing her child wouldn’t survive.
I know that it was traumatizing, but Evie is refusing to move past it with therapy and it’s just poisoning Liam’s upbringing. Was I in the wrong for saying what I did to Evie?
Edit: Our family has been encouraging Evie since Liam’s birth that she should seek therapy. However, Evie always insists that she doesn’t need therapy, and we can’t force Evie to go.
I have had countless gentle conversations with her about how Liam’s behavior is concerning and to try and seek therapy, but Evie insists she knows what she’s doing.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, although you may have been better off tempering your remarks.
October 6 last year, I was told I was going to have stillborn twins. I was hospitalized for most of the rest of the pregnancy and told to prepare for a long NICU stay.
For months I lived in another city far from my older kids and husband.
Luckily, things worked out. They are here safe and sound. I know exactly how your sister would’ve felt.
For months I was filled with constant worst-case scenarios from medical professionals.
So. What kind of mother would I be to take the gift and relief of getting them alive and well, and instead ruin their life by fostering a horrible personality?
To instead fail to provide a realistic sense of how the world works and that “actions lead to consequences”?
And to pretty much guarantee that because no one will ever constantly shield them from their bad behavior, basically guarantee a miserable life for them because their expectations and sense of entitlement are out of whack?
I don’t know if they necessarily become a criminal, but such a person can find no joy.” Issyswe
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, and here is a different perspective to give your sister:
Storytime!
I had a cousin in a similar situation to Liam. He was the only child and spoiled rotten. He acted like a complete jerk at every family function because he knew mommy and daddy wouldn’t let him get in trouble.
He’d hit us or steal our stuff. One time he just walked into a room with me, my brother, and another cousin, and he started screaming. When my aunt came in he told her that we’d hit him, and she began screaming at us and yelling at our parents.
That’s the kind of kid he was.
Same thing at school. Acted like a jerk, school constantly calling home, and his mom and dad defending him. They were always complaining about how the school was so unfair to him and they just didn’t “get” him.
Until…
When he was in high school, he wanted to join the football team, so his freshman year, he tried out. The problem for him was his reputation preceded him, and everyone on the team already hated him.
Now I have no idea what went down in those practices. What I do know is that eventually, a few weeks into his freshman season, he claimed his teammates beat the absolute crap out of him in the locker room and told him if he showed up at the next practice they’d make sure he physically couldn’t ever play.
I honestly thought he was full of crap until I was told by a friend that it wasn’t too far off. My friend’s cousin was a senior on that team (it was only 1 town over from us).
Apparently, they didn’t actually beat him up in the locker room like my cousin said, but they did “target” him in practices. Apparently, they even had a pool and the guy who got my cousin to quit would win the funds.
His mom (my aunt) went to the school to raise heck, but she realized what everyone else already knew: the school wasn’t going to do crap. All the football players covered for each other, my cousin had a reputation as a troublemaker, so nothing happened. My aunt was outraged at this injustice, and also apparently unaware of irony.
This is what your sister needs to understand. Eventually, your nephew is going to anger the wrong person or people. It may be someone who is bigger, angrier, or more powerful than he is, and when that happens it will end very poorly for that kid.” alt9019201
Another User Comments:
“NTJ… and I will suggest a slightly different approach. Can you try to talk with your nephew about the things that you see wrong and explained to him that maybe one of the reasons he doesn’t have friends… Of course, he will say that but my mom says is fine, you can use an analogy on the sense that “you know how some people think that vanilla is the best flavor for ice cream while others say is chocolate” or something like that… You will probably still have a couple of shouting contests with your sister about this, but once you have calm just send her a message saying that you know was a difficult birth, but he is alive now and now he is in pain… he is already vocalizing that and that unless he learns to behave he will not have friends… And being honest OP, you are right, he can finalize being a criminal, and as harsh as it sounds, maybe stage an intervention type of thing when dad is around, so he can be aware of the magnitude of the things?” CLAR10
10. AITJ For Refusing To Forgive My Old Teacher For Mistreating Me?
“I recently got a message on social media from an old elementary teacher that came to me to apologize for how she treated me when I was young. To put it simply, she was extremely racist to me for the time I attended that school and her class.
I was very young at the time this happened so I didn’t understand why I was being treated so poorly. For background, I went to an all-white elementary school and was one of the only black students in the entire school, which at the time I gave no thought to because I was 7 or 8 at the most and had no concept of race or racism.
This teacher would always talk down to me, belittle, and berate me for small mistakes any chance she got, while ignoring intentional misbehavior from the white students. Nothing I ever did was good enough for her.
Her constant belittling of me gave me self-esteem issues that I still struggle with today.
This all culminated when I went into anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction, and she refused to let me leave the gym floor to go to the nurse’s office.
Eventually, I passed out, and she completely ignored me. I was without oxygen long enough to cause me some brain damage, but I would have died on the floor that day if one of the other kids didn’t get scared and ran to the principal to get help despite the teacher telling them not to and to leave me alone because I was faking it.
I was pulled from the school afterward, and that was the last I heard about her until she contacted me through social media to apologize.
From the message she sent, she seemed very remorseful about it all and told me that she had changed and grown as a person and she sincerely wanted to apologize.
I told her flat out that I don’t forgive her. No matter how sorry she was or how much she had improved, it doesn’t change the emotional, mental, and physical scars she left on me as a child.
To be clear, I’m not saying that people can’t change or improve or that I think she was lying, she may very well have changed, but to me, it doesn’t matter.
Being sorry doesn’t entitle you to forgiveness and you can’t demand forgiveness from the people you hurt. If she changed that’s great but regardless I still don’t forgive her because there are some things that are unforgivable.
And to me, one of those things is tormenting and leaving a child on the floor to die because of their skin color. When I told her this she was miffed and asked why anyone should ever bother apologizing for something if you don’t forgive them.
I told her that apologies are supposed to be for the victim not to receive forgiveness to assuage her guilty conscience. She says I’m being unreasonable and so do a few of my friends but I don’t think I am.
I believe in change and growth but if someone you harmed doesn’t forgive you all you can do is accept it, learn from it and continue to do better in the future so that you don’t have to ask for forgiveness from people.
So AITJ for not forgiving her even if she’s changed?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
It is the wrongdoer’s job to apologize. They owe an apology (and often a whole lot more.) They have no right to anything in return for the apology.
Nothing.
Forgive if you want and if you are ready. Forgive if doing so is healthy for you. Or don’t. Whether you forgive or not is really no business of the wrongdoer.
She is owed nothing. Even if someday you do forgive this travesty of a teacher, you have no obligation to inform her of your forgiveness. If she has to live for the rest of her life knowing she was wrong and that you do not forgive her, that’s her problem and not yours.
And good heavens! Where was this and when was this? For an adult to behave this way to a child and in front of other children is an outrage. And when I consider that other adults allowed this, I’m horrified. This was all unconscionable and I’m so very, very sorry this happened to you.” PattyLouKos
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. What she did to you was unforgivable.
I had a teacher who bullied me along with the other students so relentlessly that I told my mom at age 11 I wanted to die.
I was raised in the 80s and 90s, in the Catholic Church, and I had no concept of s*****e but her actions spurred the worst in me. Ever since then, I have struggled enormously with depression, anxiety.
When an adult does something like that to a child, it cannot and should not be forgiven unless the victim is truly in a place to forgive. You do not have to be in a place to forgive.
It is not required of you, and it doesn’t even make you a better person. I know it’s OK for you to keep living your life and to not let this woman take up one more second of your time.” RadioSupply
Another User Comments:
“You know, my divorce taught me something about forgiveness that I had sort of intellectually known could be real, but I had never actually lived it. I want to tell you about it.
I spent many years after my divorce being really angry at my ex. She had been unfaithful to me, and during the divorce, she took me for everything she could.
It was a nightmare. I got very bitter. The idea of forgiving her was an anathema. I just couldn’t imagine it. And, she wasn’t asking for forgiveness.
As years went by, I got some distance, got some perspective.
I realized that something I wanted to try to avoid was becoming someone who let it define me, you know? I didn’t want my personality or life story to be that “I was wronged by this person!” There needed to be more to me than that.
And eventually, what I realized is I didn’t want to hold on to it anymore. It’s not that what she did was okay, certainly, the bad behavior was bad. But it was more that I just wanted to let go of it.
Eventually, one night a couple of years ago, I was on the phone with my ex, just walking through the city streets late at night, and I told her that I didn’t want her to be burdened by guilt.
That I didn’t want her to feel like every time she thought back on her marriage it was this big clustercrap that she regretted. So I told her that I basically forgave her for everything.
Even if she wasn’t asking for it. I just was letting it all go. And it was kind of funny, because she hadn’t asked for it, and she wasn’t ready for that.
She sort of angrily said something like, “Okay yeah, I forgive you too.” But it was clear she didn’t. She was still holding on quite strong. However, my forgiveness wasn’t conditional on her acceptance, nor was it conditional on me getting forgiveness back.
I just… wanted to let go. And what the other person did with it was completely up to them.
I think she still probably hasn’t worked through it, but I did my part, the part that I came to do, and I’m happy with the place that I’m at.
I tell you all of this because the teacher in your story is doing the same thing that I was doing, but she isn’t at the place where she is genuine yet.
The idea that you’re obligated to accept, or that you’re obligated to forgive, these are burdens she’s putting on you because she isn’t actually at a place of peace. I needed years, probably a decade before I got to a place of peace where I could just confidently say “I forgive you,” and no matter what response I got, I was okay.
This woman that you’re interacting with isn’t there yet. Something she might need to train herself to do is to say something like “I acknowledge that this might just never be okay, and I just need to live a life where I made a mistake that is never fixed.” For her to get to that place of acceptance could take a long time, maybe her whole life, maybe she never even does it.
But the bottom line is that’s for her to work on, not you. Don’t you feel burdened because she’s got something on her shoulders she needs to deal with. It’s not for you to carry.
NTJ.” gorilla_on_stilts
9. AITJ For Excluding My Cousin From The Family Trip?
You aren’t entitled to something that you refuse to pay for.
“For context, I have three cousins and we have always been really close. Jack, same age as me. Ben, one year older than me, and Mary, two years older than me.
Mary is Jack’s older sister.
Me and Ben study science and Jack has been practicing high-level tennis. Mary studies something in the ‘communications’ area, not sure exactly what. Ben, Jack, and I each have our own jobs and work hard to do our best in school too.
Since Ben and I work in IT, our salaries, even as students are good for people our age and Jack coaches tennis at a fancy club, so he also makes good salary, again, given the fact that we’re in our early twenties.
Mary is the only one who never had a job, even though she’s the oldest and arguably attends the easiest college out of us.
Now I must say we didn’t need the jobs.
Our parents didn’t ‘make us’ work. We all chose because we thought it was only normal and wanted to assist our family however we could. It was Mary’s choice not t go to work and we couldn’t help it.
So, at the end of the summer, me and the boys planned a surprise trip as a gift for our parents. Not much, just a short three days trip, but it was at this fancy resort.
Our parents were thrilled and happy and begged us to come too, even insisting on paying for us. We refused the finances, saying it would be completely the opposite of our gift. We eventually agreed to come, but booked a way cheaper hotel.
We asked Mary how does she want to handle this and she said she’s gonna come with us. Jack told her she didn’t pay and we need the funds to finish the booking.
She freaked out on us saying she doesn’t have a job like us, that her field is harder compared to ours, and all that stuff. Jack argued with her explaining he can’t understand how can communications studies can be harder than coaching and playing tennis AND holding to a college.
We took his side and a liiiitlle ganged up on her saying it’s obvious she has the easiest field, besides, she’s the oldest and it’s abnormal how she never worked one day in college.
Jack laughed at her saying we don’t all have to be IT interns or assistant coaches as students, there’s always retail or other options. She asked us to cover her share, but we literally couldn’t afford it.
In my case, it’s still a while until my payday and I have my partner’s upcoming birthday, so I just can’t spend my savings on Mary like that.
Then, Mary, the OLDEST ONE OF US, twenty-something years, went to cry to her mom.
Of course aunt stepped in and booked a room for Mary at their resort since she couldn’t find one in our hotel. Jack was fuming, but Mary said “It’s not her fault we booked without her”.
Jack retailed with “It’s not out fault you’re lazy” or something like that. Their dad took Jack’s side saying it was unfair Jack worked hard and gets lower treatment. His mom disagreed and created a huge scandal leading to them almost giving up the trip.
Mary blames me, Ben, and Jack, saying that because we didn’t cover for her, the two are fighting and we obviously disagree. So who’s the jerk here?”
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Mary shouldn’t have assumed y’all would pay for her, but dang, the way you talk about her is crappy as heck. It sounds like she doesn’t have any family support for her chosen field of study except maybe her mom, and I don’t mean financial support because people can pay for something and whisper “this is worthless, why are you doing it” at the same time.
You don’t have to pay her way, but be better to her emotionally, please.” author124
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. You don’t have to pay for someone else, but you need to fix the condescending attitude toward whatever you think isn’t hArD sCiEnCe.
As someone who studied humanities and social sciences at a school most known for engineering, you’d come across this embarrassing head-up-the-butt attitude from some students in engineering and physical sciences.
Usually, it would quickly become clear it was either a sexist jerk-hattery thing or rage when they got a C- in a class because they couldn’t write for crap or couldn’t possibly take time to actually read something.
I recall the oh-so-clever metaphor in a sad letter to the editor where some guy said he couldn’t learn to “wield [his] literary sword properly” by having to take the single required lit class outside the white, western, male canon.
We need people to do IT and medicine and scientific research, but also people who know about the arts, history, cultural studies, social sciences, and more that make life worth living.
We also desperately need people doing the hard, badly underpaid work that’s easy to ignore until everyone is mad when it isn’t done, think garbage collection, food service, and the like.
Really, everything grinds to a halt without them. It’s all important and it all has value.” adlittle
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. is there a problem with saying you can’t afford to pay for her and leaving it at that?
What did you get from bullying your supposed ‘bff,’ other than a little boost to your superiority complex? It’s REALLY easy, when someone asks you to pay for them, to just say “no, sorry” without criticizing their college and career path.
It sounds to me like you enjoyed this chance to prove to Mary once and for all how much better you were than her because you’re in “IT”.
You remind me of the annoying guys in my high school who did “coding” and made that their entire personality because you have to be oh so smart to do it.
News flash bud, I’m also a college student at a top ten university with a major in data science, a minor in computer science AND I have a job as a CS teaching assistant during the school year as well as a data science internship during the summer.
I can promise you that “IT stuff” isn’t that difficult, and I’d bet that there’s a good chance that if Mary decided to switch to your field, she would beat your condescending butts (spoken from experience, one of my friends with a communications major took one of the CS classes and totally outperformed me lol).
As long as you put in work to watch YouTube tutorials and practice coding, anyone can be good at CS, I promise. Spoken as a CS TA who saw the kids that struggled the most in the beginning end up doing very well
Answer this genuinely, if not to me, then to yourself: do you actually like Mary or do you hang out with her for the ego boost of knowing you’re better?” Commercial_Camera257
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. If one can’t afford to pay for their own ticket and accommodations like the rest of you, they shouldn’t expect someone else to pay for them.
Also, they’re the oldest crying to their parents, so they end up paying, is unacceptable behavior.
Some of my own cousins didn’t like it when I told them they have to pay for their own airfare if they ever want to travel.
(They too were older than me.)” SpeedBlitzX
8. AITJ For Choosing My Dad Over My Sisters?
“My parents had four children together my sister Amy, my brother Luke, my sister Sarah and then me. Until 2019 we had no idea there was this deep dark family secret lurking underneath the surface until a series of events happened. Then we discovered our father was not our biological father.
This was something he didn’t know either. We ended up doing paternity tests with the hope that it wasn’t true, but it was. Amy and Luke share a sperm donor while Sarah and I share one.
Our mother claimed she knew dad was infertile or at least, was not able to get her pregnant, after years of struggling to conceive and having tests done on herself.
So she decided to secretly have children with other men. One of them being our father’s own brother who is the “donor” for me and Sarah.
Dad wanted a divorce right away.
He was furious, he was broken, he was all sorts of things, and my sisters were telling him how he should look at it as sperm donation and how we just had another dad out there who could be good for us, etc. Dad said it made it worse.
My sisters were not happy. They tried everything to talk dad out the divorce, even saying his divorcing mom was saying he wasn’t glad he got us out of the “bad situation”.
Luke and I are the only two who wanted nothing to do with mom or with the sperm donors. Our sisters didn’t like that and turned on dad, saying he should be encouraging us and embracing this as just another part of our family.
He confided in me that he feels like less of a dad. Because he’s not just our dad but one of them, because someone else made us, someone else will always come into it.
I told him as far as I was concerned he’s the only dad I have, and as a daddy’s girl I could never have a relationship with someone else like ours.
My dad has not spoken to that brother since. Which made things even worse with Sarah who asked him to allow her to have “both her dads” being good with each other.
Amy and Sarah’s relationship with Luke and I is not good and now we’ve had a big fight. Amy and Sarah said dad is selfish and a jerk for what he’s done and claimed he never really loved us if he can’t be happy for us expanding his family.
We disagreed. They said we should not be talking to someone who actively doesn’t want the best for us and our newfound families. I told them I totally understood dad and to me, he was my only dad, Luke agreed. They said we couldn’t expect them to be around him after he showed how little he truly loves them.
I told them I would not choose them over dad so forget it. They were hurt and I get it. They told us we were breaking the family apart, and we were refusing to see the positive.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. The real jerk here is your mother and while your siblings do have every right to know their father they also need to understand it’s not just them going through this its all of you and your father included, and neither you nor your brother has to have a relationship with your donor because after all, that’s what they are, donors.
Your dad is the one who loved you as his own, raised you, and taught you about life and at the end of the day, he’s the one who’s always been there for you all.
He may not be your father, but he’s definitely your dad, and your sisters need to realize that they can’t force their wants as you’re all adults who make their own decisions and they don’t have to like it, but they do need to accept it.
Your mother had an affair on him more than once and what makes it even harder and even more disrespectful is she was seeing her husband’s brother, so she’s not only ruined her life now that the truths come out, but she’s ruined the life of her kids, and her husband as actions have consequences and the thing about lies is the truth eventually comes out and when it does, it’s not pretty.” G8RTOAD
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
I am so sorry that this is going on and it must hurt your dad far worse than all. A betrayal like that, especially by your mother, is wrong and horrible.
The poor guy needs a professional therapist.
If you and your brother support him, then sit him down and tell him this: Can we talk, please listen to me, and hear me.
It does not matter who the sperm donor was. That man was never a father nor anyone who is important. The only person who was important is you. You are our father, you were the dad that we needed and both of us still need in our lives.
We will never accept anyone else in that role and no matter what. And personally, there is one thing I hope that you take away from this, that as I view you as my only father and dad, I am hoping that one the day that I get married, that you are there supporting me.
And the day I have a child, that you are there to be the grandfather to them, knowing that you are a far better man than any one else so far, and have been the role model that I can only hope to find in my life one day as my spouse, who will display the qualities I have seen from you.
Then let him be, to grieve and think and decide on what he wants to be. If he hears you, then chances are he will contact you, to thank you for those words, but also to understand that you want the relationship with him and only him.
As far as your mother and siblings, let them go duck themselves, and do not invite them to the milestones in your life, let them deal with the consequences of their actions.
Your mother ruined her marriage, and this is going to cost her big time.
If it were me, I would never talk to my mother again, I would go full NC with her and any who would support her in what she did.
It was a betrayal of the worst kind.” JCWa50
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your mother and your sisters are the jerks. There is no way in heck that they could actually expect that your father would be happy with the fact that his wife had an affair on him with two different people and he’s not biologically the father of the four kids he’s raised. She had an affair twice, that y’all know of, in order to have children instead of being ethical about it.
The fact that they even think that your dad is in the wrong for wanting to divorce your mother is disgusting and the fact that your mother was unfaithful to your father with your uncle is freaking horrific.
I don’t give a crap what anybody says I don’t give a crap about anybody else’s opinions this is screwed up and there is no way in heck that anybody could consider you or your brother wrong for wanting nothing to do with your mother and sperm donors or your sisters at that point.
I’m sorry your Dad has to go through this. but your mom broke the family apart the minute she decided to be unfaithful and then continuously lie about it.” Sunbreaker65
7. AITJ For Getting Mad At My Brother For Not Knowing How To Do Anything?
It’s frustrating, sure, but the guy is barely an adult.
“My (21F) brother “T” is 19 and attends the same college as me so we live in the same area.
I’m the oldest & only daughter and T is the middle child.
Recently my mom texted me saying that T is “lonely & bored” and to hang w/ him more.
My brother has a car & more friends than me, but I invited him over for dinner. He ate like he hadn’t in months & then said all he had the past 3 days were granola bars.
My parents give him grocery change weekly.
That same week T asked me to go to a Dr. appt. w/ him because he didn’t know how to fill out the paperwork and hadn’t ever gone alone.
He told me he would cancel if I didn’t go and this appt. was for a serious issue. I went & filled out the paperwork w/ him and he knew nothing about it, including his apt.
#. (He thought it was “B,” which is his room assignment.) I waited for him outside in the heat for 2 hours. After I asked him what the Dr. said and he didn’t know.
I drove him back to his car and he didn’t know where his car was. I got frustrated & told him he needed to be more responsible & independent and he got mad & said “It’s not my fault I don’t know how to do everything” and slammed my door.
This all got me thinking about our childhood and how different T & I are. I’m very type A, got good grades, graduated college early, & studied abroad. Our youngest brother (15M) is the same.
But T has always been very lazy. He wet himself as a preteen because he didn’t want to get up to go. He couldn’t make ramen until 17. He gets bad grades because he simply does not do the work.
He is so intelligent but does not apply himself.
His first job was at the same place I already worked and he would always ask me to talk to the manager on his behalf.
When I told him no, my mom told me he was my brother & it’s his first job & I need to help him.
He does not currently have a job nor did he get one over the summer when he lived at home.
He says he doesn’t know how to apply. My parents offer him $$ to do things for them and he declines.
My parents always tell me that T doesn’t know how to do stuff and ask me to do it for him.
I am getting more & more frustrated because he has the same resources + the Internet. They say we’re “wired differently” but he doesn’t have a learning disorder. He’s just lazy & they enable him.
I’ve read about weaponized incompetence (WI) in relationships but nothing ab siblings/kids. I feel like T is using WI against us because he knows someone will do everything for him.
We even unpacked his appt. & got him groceries because we knew if not everything would stay in boxes for months.
AITJ for being frustrated?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Giving him the benefit of the doubt..
I saw a different comment from someone sharing their personal experience being sheltered and I can agree.
Basically, once my dad passed away, my mom homeschooled me from grade 5 on.
She’d get angry at me for doing things for myself. Like, when I was 14 my entire family went out for dinner, my 12-year-old niece had to cut my food for me because I genuinely did not know how.
My SIL nearly exploded on my mom.
No one ever taught me how to fill out papers, speak for myself at a restaurant or doctor’s office, I was 18.5 before I ever went some place without my mom or much older brother/SIL.
But the second I turned 18 I had to get a job so I could help support my mom.
I am independent at heart but EVERY little chore was a freaking mountain.
I had to Google the dumbest stuff, and my family made fun of me for so much of this, when I felt like they failed me.
I’m 22 now, expecting my first baby, living with my partner, every job I’ve had has been a step up… It’s HARD to recognize, accept responsibility for, and grow once you’ve had a parent puppeting you and doing EVERYTHING for you your entire life.
I still panic internally making important phone calls. Learning how to handle insurance for me and the baby has been horrific. Learning to drive and buying my first car nearly put me in the ground.
The only thing I did right the first time was that I religiously kept working, so I always had a ton of savings even while supporting my mom.
Your mom and dad failed your brother.
Now your brother is failing himself. Simple as this. I would sit your parents down and be brutally honest about things.. and refuse to keep helping your brother with anything hands-on until he shows SOME semblance of internal drive.
He was not responsible for how he was raised but he IS responsible for how he’s living now.” trinalie73
Another User Comments:
“YTJ…
Has it dawned on you that he might be ADHD and simply can’t concentrate?
Has it dawned on you that bed wetting in teens can be a sign of maltreatment or an underlying medical issue?
I agree with you that he should know his address, but undiagnosed dyslexia can make some addresses impossible to remember.
It can also be why he needs help with the medical forms.
I think there’s more going on with your brother and I think you’re just frustrated because you don’t try to understand his world in his shoes.” OhioGirl22
Another User Comments:
“ESH but you the least. There is something wrong with your brother and has been his whole life your lazy parents have done squat that I see from your post and do nothing other than enable and minimize their son’s issues and delegate his care and feeding to you.
I’m not a doctor much less a psychiatrist but somebody needs to find out what is wrong or he’s doomed. Maybe he’s deeply depressed. Maybe he has a vitamin or mineral deficiency.
Maybe some part of his brain is damaged. Something is wrong. But it is my belief that young man needs more than the kick in the pants sometimes administered to slothful and unmotivated young men by Army drill sergeants when their parents either don’t know what to do or can’t be bothered.” NanaLeonie
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, but your brother absolutely needs psychological and neurological testing. Other people have said it better than me, but this sounds far more like legitimate memory problems, executive dysfunction, social delays, etc. than WI.
Pretending you don’t know how to cook or clean so someone will do it for you is WI, but peeing yourself basically into adolescence, being unable to remember basic info like where you live, and eating the same low-effort thing for 3 weeks straight is a sign that he needs significant medical and mental health help as soon as possible.
Please talk to him and your parents about him seeing a psych professional and/or neurologist.
Also, I’m sorry that this has fallen to you and that you’re the only one in your family who hasn’t buried your head in the sand that something is wrong.
The fact that your parents are completely ignoring what’s happening with your brother while asking you to take care of him is horrible and they’re absolutely the jerk for that.
You don’t deserve that and your younger brother should not be your responsibility, especially with you being so close in age and so young as well. I hope your parents wake up soon and stop treating you like a prop to foist him off onto when he’s struggling.
Best of luck to the both of you and I hope things get better from here!” LivingHumanDisaster
6. AITJ For Evicting My Parents From Their House?
“I (F29) bought my parents’ home a year ago. I served six years in the Army from 18-24, got out, and got a good job (we live in Maryland near DC so opportunities were good).
Previously my parents and I had a very good relationship. After I got out of the service I moved in with them since rent in the DC area is ridiculous.
Previously I paid them $650 a month and did a fair share of all home upkeep and repairs. This was their suggestion, I was happy to pay more, but they told me to save up enough for my own place one day.
For the first two years, everything was copacetic. Their house is a split-level with a finished walk-out basement that consists of a bedroom and bathroom and a living room and kitchen.
Upstairs on the main floor is also a living room, kitchen, dining room, three bedrooms, and three bathrooms. The agreement was that my space was my space and if they wanted to enter they had to ask me first but they said I could come into the main house whenever I want (I still asked first though).
About two years ago my parents began treating me like some problem child. I was a good kid, academically inclined and quiet. I wasn’t into the party and drinking scene as a teenager, I kept a job after school, kept my room clean, did as they asked. I never gave them a reason to distrust me.
But in the last two years, they have given me the fifth degree every time I come home late, have people over, spend a penny (I do not spend excessively, and I have never once not paid my bills).
They’ve also been letting themselves into my apartment without asking.
Last year, my father lost his job, and I learned they weren’t paying the mortgage. I learned this when the house went into foreclosure.
My mother works but her pay isn’t enough for all the bills and I learned they were using my rent to have a good time. Dad has since gotten a job.
Knowing they couldn’t afford to buy or rent anything I used my VA loan and bought the house at a good price with the agreement the current arrangement would continue.
Once it was settled my parents never gave me a cent and their behavior as detailed above got worse. I’m paying all the bills alone now and my savings are being depleted. I’m tired of screaming and yelling and fighting and begging for help and being treated badly in return.
So I started the eviction process on them. I have been asking them to help me pay bills for several months and they’ve done nothing. I’ve got texts, emails, and hand-written notes proving I’ve been asking and that they haven’t helped. Naturally, my parents are livid and are turning our family against me.
They guilt me by saying that if I kick them out, they’ll have to live out of their car.
I’m at the point where I just don’t care anymore. I’m stressed out.
Once they leave I plan on selling the house and maybe buying a small house closer to work. Everyone who knows about this has vilified me.
AITJ?”
Another User Comments:
“I’m less inclined to think your parents were doing illegal substances and more wondering if your parents were always financially comfortable up to this point?
It’s shown that many people who experience financial insecurity initially struggle with managing their funds once they get it.
I can admit that I was in that category too. Having grown up impoverished, my mindset was to always spend it immediately before something else made it disappear. Even when it was stuff like bills and necessities.
I used to pay all of my bills immediately, fill the gas tank to my car, then buy as many groceries as I needed the very day I got paid.
After that, I’d buy things I was looking at, even if it were cheaper versions that would likely break faster because I was convinced the finances would just disappear if I didn’t.
Yet I was the one making it disappear.
Eventually, I got a handle on my finances, but not until I’d put myself in a lot of debt. I’d never gone so far as to risk homelessness, but your parents sound pretty confident that you would be bailing them out so maybe they didn’t realize they were either.
On the flip side, if they have always been the type to never have to worry about finances either, that could also be in play. It’s hard to go from a comfort level you’re accustomed to, to pinching pennies.
Regardless, NTJ. It’s time they learn how to manage their finances and you’ve given them ample opportunity to do so. They chose not to.” cryssylee90
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – A house that size can’t be cheap to maintain. You’ve done so much to keep the house from falling apart, and even bought it out before the banks took it.
Had it gone into foreclosure, you all would have been out on the street! Remind them that they owe you for having a roof over their heads. I totally agree about the eviction.
If they can’t help you pay, why should you let two freeloading parents bankrupt you while they enjoy their freedom? Let them find their own place, sell the house, and live your life.
You’ve done more than your fair share, you don’t owe them anything.
I’m sorry that the rest of your family is taking their side. If you stress that you can’t keep paying for the house on your own, cause they don’t pay any bills or utilities, hopefully, some might see your situation.
This is your house, your decision. If you can’t keep the upkeep, that’s on them, not you.” Dranemra
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents are awful and I’m glad you’re getting them out.
You should think about whether you really want to share your new address when you buy elsewhere
I’m curious about what other changes occurred around the time they began ruining your relationship.
I guarantee that it has nothing to do with you or your behavior, however, it might be helpful to you to understand why they chose to become so financially mooching and controlling.
Usually, there’s some kind of situational trigger for behavior changes in people. Often they seem to feel that they have their victim “locked in” or trapped in a situation, and your parents have been and are definitely financially mistreating you.” marking_time
5. AITJ For Refusing To Go On Vacation With My Brother Since He Won't Visit Our Dying Father?
“I (38f) took over my Dad’s (73m) care 3 years ago. I am his financial and medical POA and handle all of his affairs. Prior to that, my Dad lived alone with deteriorating health for about 10 years.
I have 3 siblings, 40m, 35m, and 32f. My oldest brother, I will call him Jason, and I both tried to help my Dad over the years, but he, unfortunately, refused to accept any help.
I want to back up a little bit and say that my Dad was mostly absent during all of our childhoods. He lived in the same home as us our entire lives, but when he was home, he would hide away in the garage or stare at the computer screen for hours.
He did not interact with us, his children.
For those years when my Dad lived alone, he was NOT properly caring for himself. He could have, he just did not.
My younger siblings have no relationship with our Dad. He is not a father figure for them, just a man like any other. My older brother holds nothing but resentment towards him for refusing to help himself or let us help him for many years.
I feel this frustration as well, but my moral compass and empathy outweigh that for me. So, I am now his essential caregiver, as he has lived in a nursing home for 3 years now.
Fast forward to now: About 6 weeks ago, Dad had surgery. The surgery went fantastic, but the recovery has not. My Dad now finds himself with a permanent trach and feeding tube and is currently in the icu on a ventilator.
He has not left the hospital since his surgery (6 weeks ago). I go to be with him almost every day, as much as I possibly can. Last weekend, it looked like he wasn’t going to make it.
Jason finally came to the hospital for 2 hours to see him. Other than that, I am the only one who has visited. It has been very difficult for me to spend all this time there and away from my children (5f, 2m).
I have asked him to visit more often since he lives just as close as I do to the hospital. He refuses to go. But While he was there, Jason invited me and my family to go to a lake cabin with him next week.
I could really use a break from all this, so I agreed. But as the time draws closer, I’m not sure I want to go. I am upset with Jason for being so cold and uncaring towards our Dad even though I understand his feelings.
I don’t have much nice to say to him right now and I don’t want to fight with him while on vacation. So I’m thinking about canceling and taking my kids to a lake closer to home.
AITA for not wanting to spend this fun time with my brother and his family right now?”
Another User Comments:
“Mildly YTJ. Jason is not doing anything wrong here and you are wrong to treat him as if he is.
You choose to do things for your father. Jason chooses not to. Both positions are equally valid, equally “moral.”
Your father was negligent of you kids, then negligent of himself, so I don’t blame Jason for not wanting to make the same effort as you.
I am mildly surprised you care enough about your father to put yourself to so much inconvenience. I can only assume it’s because it makes you feel good about yourself; in other words, you’re doing this for you, not for dad.
And a further soft YTJ, because now you are neglecting your own children to look after this old man who doesn’t really deserve it. Take a hard look at why you are doing this, take a hard look at who you should be prioritizing.
Prioritize your own kids, your partner, your siblings.” Reddit user
Another User Comments:
“Potentially NTJ, but your brother is 100% NTJ.
His complicated emotions make him not want to visit his dad that’s fine and his issue/decision.
If you feel a bit weird about this whole situation atm and don’t think now is the right time to spend a bunch of time with your brother while u have complicated emotions then that’s fine – don’t go if it’ll be bad for everyone.
Family members in poor health cause very awkward and weird situations and it’s good to prioritize your own well-being & your familial relationships – ie don’t go on a holiday w/ your bro bc you “should” and then fall out with him bc you weren’t ready to spend that much time with him.
However if you plan to not go as a “punishment” for him, or if you blame him for how he feels then YTJ. He feels how he feels bc of your dad’s behavior.
It’s really nothing to do with you & definitely not your job to police it. That would be a horrible way to react & think about his emotions.
Essentially don’t go if it’ll cause issues – this is a crappy situation and you’re a human thus illogical/weird emotions will happen sometimes.
However, still your responsibility to get through/over this and realize your brother is allowed to feel differently to you as they are a different person, and it is ridiculous to mistreat him just because he hasn’t made the same decision / reacted the same as you regarding your father.” Qu4rt
Another User Comments:
“Soft YTJ you need to realize that Jason isn’t you. He is most likely processing this on his own terms. OP You don’t really have the right to dictate his relationship with his father or lack thereof.
The man who was never there for any of you. Every day he chose himself instead of his children. And as time goes he refused help as well.
I understand you’re in a tough position and feeling a lot of emotions because your father is sick.
You’re dealing with a lot that’s clear. I just think your anger is misplaced. You say you understand where Jason is coming from but do you really? Because the way you’re coming off is clear you’re holding on to a lot of resentment for Jason who simply sounds like he’s done with all of it.
As the oldest, I can’t even begin to imagine the sacrifices he had to make. The role he had to take as your father was absent.
OP you chose to be your father’s caregiver.
It was your decision. No one forced you to do this. Alienating your brother is the jerk thing to do. Especially as he’s getting the brunt of your resentment, and judgment and not your younger siblings.
Everyone process grief differently, your way isn’t the only right way.” Chantalle22
4. AITJ For Admitting I Don't Think I'll Take Care Of My Disabled Sister When I'm Older?
“I (F17) am currently going through the college application process. My mother (F53) has been very involved throughout the entire process.
I am the oldest sibling, and my younger sister (F15) has Down Syndrome. In the Additional Information section of the Common App, my mom told me to include information about my sister and how my parents will have to put aside finances for her care in the future.
My mother looked at me and said, “You’re going to be taking care of your sister, right?” I said, “I don’t know.”
My mom has always expected me or my younger brother to be my sister’s caretaker when my parents grow old and eventually die, so this really took her aback.
She told me that she did not like my response and that this throws off everything, because now whatever little savings she has will have to go to my sister.
She started going on about something that she read about siblings not wanting to take care of their siblings but then getting mad when their parents don’t pay for their college tuition so they can pay for the disabled sibling and how the sibling getting mad doesn’t make any sense to her.
I supposed she had a point so I didn’t say anything to argue with her.
She asked me why I wouldn’t be taking care of her. I told her that I don’t feel like I can answer that question right now because I have no idea where I’m going to end up living, what job I’ll be doing, what family I’ll have, etc. She said, “Well I hoped wherever you go you’d take your sister with you,” and she also said, “If you and your brother don’t want to take care of your sister, then I really screwed up raising you.” She also threw in, “Wasn’t your dad just talking to you about only thinking about yourself?” (referring back to an argument I had with my dad earlier tonight) and I feel like that was a subtle way of her calling me selfish.
I don’t know if I’m being gaslighted or if I’m genuinely just a crappy, selfish person. I just don’t feel like I should be forced into making such a huge commitment right now when I’m only 17, and my main priority right now is graduating high school and going to college.
I know that caring for somebody with a disability is a huge financial and mental commitment, and honestly, I don’t know if I’m cut out for it. What I do know is that I don’t feel ready to make that choice right now at this point in my life as I am so young.
I also didn’t say that I absolutely would not care for my sister, I just said that I do not know. And even if I don’t end up directly caring for my sister, I still want to be able to visit her frequently.
I am not asking if my mother is the jerk in this situation, as I feel like she has a right to be upset. I just need to know if I am in the wrong here and if I should be responsible to care of my sister when we are older.”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ.
You can’t vote, drink, etc… but you’re expected to make life-altering decisions now.
Your entire life is expected to be planned around your sister, yet your mother hasn’t made plans for the eventual of her needing care beyond what they can provide.
Your someday partner/spouse is expected to also provide care/financial support as well. Your ability to work/types of work will revolve around her care. Your family plans (children) will also have to be balanced with her care – you know, what they currently have to do themselves.
Your mom is the jerk for pushing this expectation on you and your younger brother. It is her and your father’s responsibility for planning her future and appropriately working towards eventually not being there to provide for her.
Is your mom gaslighting you? Absolutely. I find her assumption that a 17-year-old and younger son to commit their future to this is crazy-
Good luck OP, but your mom needs a reality check.” BeccaUnit
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Your parents should be helping your sister develop as many life skills for independence as possible and then finding a good place for the intellectually disabled for her to live.
It’s the way to give all three of you the best quality of life. Most people – disabled or abled – want to be able to live their own life, not be their sibling’s responsibility.
There are great setups for intellectually disabled people that do things like help them find work and manage their finances and keep an eye on their health and self-care while allowing the residents as much independence and self-determination as they’re capable of managing.
As a family, you’ll still need to visit and check in and make sure she’s happy and treated well, but you wouldn’t be a primary caretaker. This sort of setup takes into account everyone’s wants and needs – it provides support for your disabled sister while also letting her lead a life of her own, surrounded by her peers and equals instead of being entirely dependent on you.
It lets you have something closer to a normal sibling relationship between you – when you make a sibling a caretaker, it often creates resentment and frustration on both sides.
It lets you have the security of knowing your sister’s needs will be met without putting the full burden of caring for her on you.
SSI and Medicaid often combine to cover most or all of the expenses of these sorts of living arrangements – typically, the home gets the whole SSI check (or the majority of it) but is responsible for all of the person’s needs (food, clothing, supervision, medical care, housing, etc).
One of the important things here is that this is for EVERYONE’S happiness and well-being – yours, your brother’s, and your sister’s.” KaliTheBlaze
Another User Comments:
“NTJ – Thing is, this is one of those situations where it’s going to feel crappy, even though it’s really not.
Children don’t make the decision to be born, and parents shouldn’t expect that children are going to take care of them, or other siblings.
You’re 17, you shouldn’t be thinking about how you’re going to care for your sister in the future, you should be thinking about your own future, if you want to go to college, boys (or girls or whomever you love/crush on), music, parties, whatever other stuff is normal for a 17-year-old.
Taking care of your sister is entirely your choice, and your parents should be making arrangements regardless of your life.
In families with a special needs child, the other children often suffer due to the financial and emotional strain the special needs child requires, and it’s not fair to them.
I’m sorry you feel crappy, but that’s social conditioning. You’re NTJ for wanting to not even think about it as a teenager. You’re human.” johnny_evil
3. AITJ For Not Wanting My Bridesmaid To Wear Makeup
“So I (26f) have two best friends who went to the same university as me, let’s call them Cheryl (27f) and Anna (27f) – not their real names. Also before anyone makes an assumption about race, we are all the same race and native to the same country.
We have all been very close friends for almost 10 years now. Anna is pretty but Cheryl is considered to be absolutely gorgeous by anyone who sees her. Cheryl is also very smart as well as athletic.
I on the other hand am very insecure about how I look, I am average looking at best and a little overweight (162 cm and 75 kg) and average at school and my job.
I also suffer from severe anxiety and depression and am in therapy. Throughout university, my parents would compare me to Cheryl and ask me why I could not be more like her because she looks like a model without even trying and also gets better grades and does other stuff like sports and art and I could not match up to her standard since I could barely get myself out of bed. Every time there is an event in our life Cheryl stands out, she is always the center of attention and I am always sidelined.
Like for example, on our graduation, Cheryl graduated magna cum laude while I barely passed, she also dressed up and put on makeup (she usually does not wear makeup at all) and my own family could not stop commenting about only her and did not even bother to congratulate me.
My parents also gave me a hard time for almost 2 years because Cheryl got a master’s degree from an Ivy League college and I would never be able to even get in.
Now I am getting married and I want to for one day in my life have all the attention on me. I also love Cheryl and Anna and want them to both be my bridesmaids.
But I know that no matter what she wears, Cheryl will stand out, especially if she dresses up. But she is very used to not wearing makeup and only rarely ever wears it anyway so I know she won’t be uncomfortable without it.
I asked Anna about it but she said I would be the jerk if I asked Cheryl to not wear makeup for a wedding and that I was being controlling.
I know that I am only jealous because of my own insecurities and issues and it is not Cheryl’s fault but WIBTJ if I asked her to not wear makeup?”
Another User Comments:
“YWBTJ.
As others have noted, your problem is not actually Cheryl, it is your monstrously cruel parents, who have persistently and continuously compared you negatively to her in a negative light for YEARS, not only making you feel bad but SPECIFICALLY making you unconsciously connect your poor friend to your unhappiness when the truth is that Cheryl has nothing to do with why you feel bad about yourself: even if there were no Cheryl, they would have just found someone else to compare you to, because it was never about her, it was about the sort of people your parents are.
As for the question at hand: even if she’s usually really low-key and doesn’t wear much makeup, this is her best friend’s wedding. Asking her not to wear makeup WILL be obvious and unkind, because it implies that you think that her looking nice is trying to show you up, instead of trying to look nice FOR you and your occasion, someone she loves.
You’d be PUNISHING SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU JUST FOR EXISTING AS HERSELF when she has NEVER done anything but be supportive of you. Literally, none of this is her fault.
Stop making any of this about Cheryl. It’s your wedding day. You are marrying someone who loves you, not Cheryl. And either before or after all this, I think you need to find a good therapist because what your parents have done to your self-esteem has grown strong roots, and you need some good tools to learn how to undo it.
YWBTJ to punish your friend for your parents’ awful behavior and the damage they have done to you. None of this has anything to do with Cheryl. All she has done is be good to you.” FoolMe1nceShameOnU
Another User Comments:
“I think I have to say NTJ. This is a tricky one because you know it’s not her fault, but it’s also affecting you so badly that you can’t just let it go and ignore your feelings.
Maybe show her this post and emphasize that you hate bringing it up to her?
But as everyone else has said, the issue here lies solely with your parents. Please try to get some help to move on from their horrible and cruel behavior!
Can you also send them a long email or something to tell them just how they’ve made you feel, and that your feelings about your wedding day are now being ruined?
But despite how they’ve made you feel about Cheryl, you’re still close enough to her to want her as your bridesmaid. That’s awesome and shows your strength of character in that you won’t let your jealousy override your love for her.
So remind yourself of that when you’re feeling down.” Original-Winter9334
Another User Comments:
“YTJ.
Insecurities suck. But at the end of the day, your insecurities are your responsibility. You say you love your friend, so why are you placing your issues on her shoulders?
If you ask her to do this, you’re no better than all the people who have been putting you down. And that’s an awful thing to do to a friend but it also means all of that nonsense wins.
If you’re so focused on how she looks that you feel the need to drag her down, your wedding is still going to be about her because that’s where your focus will be.
You have the choice to give in to the insecurities and to hurt your friend, or to rise above it, focus on healing yourself and having a beautiful day that is about your and your partner’s love.” PestoPanda674
2. AITJ For Making Our Waitress Cry?
“Coworkers and I decided to go to a chain restaurant. We’ll call it Pineapplebumblebee’s. I was hungry, it was late and the place was close to us.
I ordered hot wings because I mistakenly thought it was *************.
Our server, Ashleigh, brought us the food in a reasonable time. However, I could tell that these were boneless wings. I didn’t say anything right away because I was hungry.
So I ate one and found the breast meat shaped into a wing was tossed in the wrong sauce. It was sweet instead of spicy. Not even BBQ. Maybe honey.
I gave one to Dylan to confirm this since I had never sent food back before.
“Yeah, they screwed up your order.”
I waved Ashleigh over when I saw her.
This is the gist of the conversation.
“I got the wrong wings. These are boneless and not hot. I think it’s a honey sauce or something.”
“Oh, that’s our hot sauce.
You can tell by the color.”
“They are not hot at all. Also, I didn’t order the boneless wings. So I think I got the wrong dish.”
“I assure you the kitchen sent the correct dish.”
“It doesn’t taste correct.”
“Ok, if you got the wrong order, why did you keep eating it?”
The question rubbed me the wrong way, so I asked for a manager.
She stopped to speak with Ashleigh on the way, but I couldn’t hear them.
“Hello, what seems to be the problem?”
“I ordered hot wings and got boneless, non-hot wings.”
“We are so sorry about that. I’ll have the kitchen make a new batch of wings, and you can keep those for the table. Or, I can take them out of your way.
Is there anything else I can do?”
“Yes, Ashleigh asked me why I kept eating if it was the wrong order. I don’t think she should be questioning customers like that.”
“I will have to speak to Ashleigh.”
Dylan kept the wings. I got hungry and ate two. The new wings came out and it was basically the same sauce but with red pepper flakes or something similar.
I say goodbye to my coworkers and head to the bathroom before leaving. Ashleigh is in a little space by the bathrooms and kitchens crying and shaking.
“Are you ok?”
“My manager reamed me out. She’s never yelled at me before.”
She walked to the bathroom and so did I. I didn’t see her on my way out but when I told this story to one of my server friends she said that I was the jerk.
Servers get yelled at all the time for kitchen mistakes. Also, there was no need to mention the comment since I was already getting new wings. Was I the jerk, though?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ. Had a fast food worker pull that crap with us once. There was no meat in a burrito. None. My husband ate two bites, wondered where the heck the meat was and opened it to find no meat.
We took it up to the counter and showed the worker, who snarked that he must have liked it since he ate so much of it. I’m getting angry now, so I told her that he kept hoping the meat would show up at some point.
The extremely embarrassed manager was trying to hush her, and she goes, “I’m just trying to make light of it.” At this point, I’m ready to explode. I circled my face with my fingers and said, “Do I look like I want you to make light of it?” The manager literally shoved her away from the counter to stop her from replying and made the order right.
I hate to be that person, but service workers aren’t special. They don’t deserve to be put on some pedestal just because they’re servers. If they screw up, they deserve the consequences.
Ashleigh just learned that the hard way, that’s all.” MySquishyFishy
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. She simply asked why you kept eating them if they were wrong. I would have asked, honestly.
Being a waitress is horrible work and then dealing with customers who love to “ask for the manager.”” Lex2i
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. Servers are not the cooks. They do not take the food from the stovetop or any other part of the kitchen and plate it.
You bullied her for something that is entirely outside her control. It seems that instead of tasting the obviously WRONG order, you should have told her as she was serving that it “appears the kitchen sent out the wrong order.
Can you have the correct plate? Thank you.”” MorriganNiConn
1. AITJ For Paying My Niece $300 Less Than What We Agreed Upon?
There was definitely some sort of misunderstanding or miscommunication.
“AITJ for paying my niece $200 instead of $500?
I am part of a nonprofit and our agency needed some help with social media so I asked my niece (age 16) if she would be interested. We joined a fundraising competition for a $2500 grant.
We agreed we would pay her regardless of the amount but if we got the full $2500, $500 would be hers. I told her that she needs to track her hours so we can ensure we pay her a fair amount when all is said and done, she could say no at any point, I would help her if she got overwhelmed or had questions and I didn’t expect more than 5 to 10 hours per week.
She reached out and asked a few questions and I answered and helped her with the wording on some things. I wasn’t able to help as much as I had originally wanted, I had a lot going on.
I acknowledged this and apologized to her for not being able to help her more. I asked her to take videos I had sent to upload to TikTok and YouTube, and she told me you can’t upload premade videos to TikTok, so I told her not to worry about it.
At the end, we had only gotten $125 in donations, not surprising since I hadn’t done as much as planned. I texted that total to my niece and asked her how many hours she had tracked. She sent me a list of dates and times that totaled 11 hours.
So I paid her $200 and asked if that was ok, explaining it was about $18/hour and that it was the best we could do given the campaign didn’t even cover that.
I paid out of my own pocket as we do not have any funding.
My niece is upset saying she expected the full $500 and wouldn’t have done it if she had known it would be less.
I was surprised and asked her why she thought she would get almost $50/hour? I explained that I paid for it out of my own paycheck (not from the non-profit, I am a volunteer.) and that I don’t make that hourly rate at my day job.
I checked in with the other board members and owned up to my dropping the ball which is why I offered to pay my niece myself so she got compensation since we promised to pay her.
They agreed on the $200.
My niece is saying she regrets doing it and won’t do it again in the future. She says it isn’t her fault we didn’t get the grant, she worked hard and thought she was getting the full 500 no matter what.
I apologized again and told her I probably didn’t explain it well but that I was confused why she would expect $500 for 11 hours of work when professionals with degrees get $25-35 for this type of work in our part of the U.S.
I understand she is disappointed about not making more and not getting as much help from me and I owned my part in that.
Am I the jerk here? I definitely learned a lot and told her that but I don’t think 18/hour is a bad rate?”
Another User Comments:
“NTJ, if she thinks the $200 is too little, she can give the payment back. 16 is not too young to understand how wages works; a lot of kids have to help their households at that age.
It doesn’t even sound like she was making all the content, which is the hard part of social media management. Main advice is that in the future don’t work with this niece again.
Second is to make sure that aside from setting a weekly amount of hours and hourly wages, make sure to come up with specific deliverables (ex. upload 5 videos a week, post on TikTok once a day, send a report on what you did for the week and any challenges that came up, get xx number of followers, etc.).
A lot of teens that are trying to make their college resumes look good would have probably done this for free. I think it’s great that you offered pay, especially to a minor.
Non-profits thrive on exploitation, both from unpaid labor and underpaying employees so it’s nice to see one that tries to pay fair wages.” askfirefly
Another User Comments:
“ESH. Way more you than her.
You offered her $500 if you got the grant. You gave her $200 as consolation for not getting the grant. Unless you guaranteed her $500 or guaranteed her that her help would ensure you got the grant, then this is a helpful learning experience for everyone.
You needed to offer the $200 upfront with an extra $300 if you got the grant.
You weren’t clear enough, so it’s hard to blame her too much. She should have thought it out and not jumped to conclusions.
Why did she think the grant was guaranteed? Is she just playing on your guilt to get $300 more? She shouldn’t be shaking you down for more.” sjohnson7645
Another User Comments:
“YTJ. not only did you tell her you’d pay her for her work (which isn’t cheap to hire someone that isn’t family to do the same work) but then you tried to pull the “if I were you I wouldn’t take jobs that don’t offer guaranteed pay” card & basically try to say that you wanted to warn her against people like you taking advantage of her.
YOU DROPPED THE BALL! Not her. You admitted it. You lost those finances. You should be paying out of pocket since you are the reason it failed. She did her job.
You didn’t do yours. You’re one of those people who thinks working on social media isn’t real work, aren’t you? If you don’t think that she’s worth that & that her job wasn’t hard, then why didn’t you do it yourself?
Considering you didn’t even know how TikTok works, I think it’s safe to say that she’s an expert compared to you. You offered to pay her for her knowledge & her skill & then stiffed her when you screwed up and dropped the ball.
Like what the heck? How do you think that you’re not the jerk?
Pay the girl what you owe her, and stop trying to gaslight people into thinking you’re not a jerk.
You are. PAY PEOPLE FOR THEIR WORK OR DO IT YOURSELF!” vudumamajuju_
Another User Comments:
“I’m going to say YTJ; however, I don’t think this is really about the pay.
What I’m getting from this post is that you hired your niece because she’s family. Your niece probably expected some sort of mentorship (even if not a lot) because of the familial connection.
I am also going to assume someone was her manager or contact officer that would keep in touch with her. I would have expected her to have been introduced to other people in your agency.
Did that even happen? Did she have another contact beside you?
What I’m trying to say is that you had set her up for failure by virtue of neglect. There were expectations involved and while you say you dropped the ball, you don’t elaborate on how you did it.
Maybe as a grace you should pay the rest of the 500. A lot went wrong here (including stuff I haven’t mentioned) and one of the lessons she will take from this is that she cannot trust you to do your job.
Yes she messed up but to be honest this was doomed from the start.” Square-Tap7392
